How I became ‘perverted’

Maintaining a reputation can be difficult sometimes- one minute you’ve convinced everyone you’re as sweet and innocent as they come, the next you’ve gained a reputation for being a bit of a pervert. The latter isn’t true, of course, but how could such a misunderstanding have come about?

Excuses, Excuses

• “I only played that eroge because I was curious after watching the anime adaptation!”
• “I only acquired those game CGs because I like the character designs!”
• “I only read that yaoi manga because it had an interesting sounding title!”
• “These pictures of couples and naked women are just references for my drawing!”
• “I’m only looking at this adult doujin because someone sent it to me!”
• “I know this anime has adult scenes, but I’m watching it for its historical/dramatic/romantic elements!”

I just played that adult game because it had SRPG elements! I just downloaded those naked women because they looked beautiful! I’m just reading this yaoi manga because I liked the title!

Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei: the lost chapters

Sensei is at his desk, but nothing is happening.

Chiri: Sensei, the bell has rung- you should be taking class!

Sensei: There will be no class today! I must finally depart this mortal coil!

Sensei gets out a noose.

Sensei: Last night, I had a marvellous idea- something that would become my life’s work! But when I woke up this morning, I had forgotten it! There’s no point in living anymore!

Kafka: But Sensei, when we forget things, it’s just to make room for new things!

Sensei: Zetsubou shita! This world where great ideas can so easily be forgotten has left me in despair!

• Ideas you think of whilst falling asleep that are forgotten in the morning because you forgot to write them down.
• Forgetting everything you revise when you get into the exam.
• Forgetting a perfect pitch in front of potential investors.
• Freezing up in the middle of a play or recital.
• Unsaved documents lost in a computer crash.
• Priceless works lost to fire or flood.
• Geniuses dying of malnutrition because they forgot to eat.

Shaman King

Ryu receives some HARD GAY encouragement…

…along with a confession.

“I can get much more aroused than that!”

“A truly Zhuge Liang!”

“Don’t act so surprised- I told you I was large!”

Yoh discovers the joys of fetishism.

A perfect HARD GAY moment.

“I need to study those HARD GAY techniques!”

“Ryu, I’m just not into you.”

“You’re not doing it right!”

Len tries to deny any confusion over sexuality.

“Even if you’re not experienced with HARD GAY, we’ll see how it goes.”

“Man or woman, it’s all the same to you.”

Dragons’ Den

Welcome to our regular feature based on the TV program of the same name, in which anime characters try to market their great idea to five fat cats of anime! President Aria made his fortune in the gondola industry of Neo Venezia, and is now CEO of a well-known company. Mikoto started her business in the capital of Wind Bloom, and is now a trusted advisor to the queen, with business partners scattered across the world. Nyanko-sensei is a contract expert who made his fortune in the supernatural business, and whose sharp observations and ruthless manner make him a formidable businessman. Mr Tibbs started his career as a tea cat for the bank, but his sound grasp of finance saw him rise up the ranks until he became one of their most prominent managers. Finally, The Cardinal is the world’s most powerful fat cat, with a wide range of business interests that ensure that he has a paw in every pie (often literally, depending on his appetite). These five cats represent some heavyweight investment clout in every sense of the word, but is any deal attractive enough to get them to roll off their backsides and shake paws with a budding entrepreneur?

Entering the Den this week is Fai D. Flowright, an entrepreneur with an intriguing concept based around discoveries made whilst travelling.

Fai: Hello, my name is Fai, and I’m here to represent Tsubasa Enterprises. We are looking for investment in the procurement and sale of our product, the Sakura Feather. Made of pure memory, these feathers represent an amazing new power source, one that is both renewable and eco-friendly.

Mr Tibbs: When you say procurement, does that mean you aren’t actually making these?

Fai: Well, not as such, no- we just collect them.

Nyanko-sensei: And how hard is it to collect them?

Fai: It’s not without its challenges- but it’s well worth the effort. They make amazing power sources.

Cardinal: Hmm, I do have the manpower to see to their collection, but I have several questions. First, what’s to stop other people from collecting and selling the same product? Do you have an exclusivity contracts?

Fai: Well, I’m travelling with the heroes, so we always get the feathers.

Mikoto: Always? Bear in mind that we have had Fei Wong Reed in here, who I believe you may be familiar with.

Fai: Okay, there have been one or two exceptions, but we do have the monopoly on the market.

Cardinal: Fair enough, but even so, there must be a finite amount of feathers. I’m very wary of investing in a company whose worth will one day just drop to zero- unless of course you have a contingency plan?

Nyanko-sensei: Now wait a minute, I can see some potential here. Is there any way you could research or take control of actual feather production?

Fai: Erm, I…I honestly don’t know.

Aria: Punyu. [Making feathers is obviously going to cost someone their memories. I’m not comfortable with that, and so I’m out.]

Cardinal: To be honest, as you are, you are not investable. If you can find a way to maintain the exclusivity of your product and the longevity of your business, we’d be interested, but as it is, it’s not something that can be scaled to the levels we’re looking at. I think I speak for all of us when I say- I’m out.

Although most of the Dragons were interested in the product, flaws in the business model have discouraged the Dragons, leaving Fai to go home without the investment he was hoping for.

Scenes we’d like to see

Lines you’d never hear in Star Trek

“Captain, there’s a major disaster affecting the Federation- but another starship has taken care of it so we won’t be needed.”

“Everything is as it seems on this idyllic alien planet- let’s enjoy an entire episode of doing nothing.”

“Captain, I’m not going down to the planet with you- this red shirt means I’d be doomed!”

“You know what, Spock, I really can’t be bothered to save the galaxy today- let’s just leave it.”

“Cap’n, the engines are down, the dilithium crystals are shot, and there’s no way I can fix it! I’m goin’ home for the day!”

“The invading aliens don’t seem to be at all interested in Earth! They’re targeting one of the many other planets in the Federation!”

“Does anyone have a map of this place? I seem to be lost on Deck Five.”

“These alien pleasure women are an illogical nightmare, Captain- I’m completely

and utterly sexually exhausted.”

“People of Earth, we have come to share our knowledge and wisdom with you- and there is absolutely no catch! No really, this time you can trust us!”

This Week in Anime

The sight of so many lemons in anime is unprecedented.

Chop!

Squeeze!

But they won’t give up their secrets easily.

And, if given the chance, they will fight back.

HARD GAY- just say no.

When so many fruits come together, something is bound to happen…

…and indeed, within moments a fight has broken out.

“Just because fruits appear all the time in anime, there’s no need to shove it down our throats!”

“I thought everyone liked putting some ‘banana’ in their mouth.”

“Aagh, someone’s having DOG in here!”

“I feel strangely aroused.”

“No one was ever meant to see DOG!”

“Oranges and whites, get your oranges and whites here!”

“I’ll take an orange- I don’t know what whites are.”

“Smile for the camera, orange!”

That fruit basket from earlier somehow jumps series to end up here.

“Oh my god, he’s having WATERMELON!”

“Destroy this abomination at once!”

“Akagi will be along soon.”

Game World Tour: Mana Khemia

Welcome to a world where your dreams of attending a school of alchemy can finally be realised! At the dedicate Al Revis Academy, you will spend three years on campus, learning alchemic synthesis, combat training and survival skills. Unfortunately, you will not be allowed to leave campus from the time you arrive until the time you graduate, but if you do well enough in your studies, you will have plenty of free time to explore and make new friends. Just be warned- slack off in your studies and you’ll get put in detention! So don’t delay, apply to Al-Revis Academy today!

Mini-rant: Why is it always character A’s fault when character B is a complete and utter a-hole? Is it a reflection on Japanese culture?

Forgive the length of the title, but upon watching Antique Bakery episode 8, I was struck by something- how many times in anime have we seen a character complain about someone acting rudely or indifferently towards them, only to be told it’s their fault? Now, whilst I appreciate that interaction is a two-way thing, and that both sides may not be completely blameless, when we see a character acting deplorably, isn’t it the fault of that particular character? Is it merely indicative of the values of politeness, respect, obedience and so forth in Japanese culture that mean we should take it as our own fault when people treat us badly? Shouldn’t we just call them out for being the assholes that they are?

Take Leon in Kaleido Star, for example- he went as far as dropping his partner, and then Sora and May get the blame for not being trusting enough. Personally, I don’t blame them for being wary if he’s going to take it into his head to do something like that.

Harem of the week: Vayne (Mana Khemia)

A quiet and sometimes weak-willed character, Vayne started out pretty indifferent to the world, but still somehow managed to amass girls around him

Harem

Jess: The main girl, classmate and the first one to befriend Vayne when he comes to Al-Revis Academy. Suffers from a mysterious sickness.

Nikki: An outspoken catgirl with super strength and the desire to marry lots of husbands and bear lots of children.

Pamela: A ghost who resides in the school library, Pamela is whimsical and easily distracted.

Anna: A pre-teen master of swords, she is an impeccable samurai but sometimes misinterprets social situations due to her overly serious nature.

With the recent announcement of a second season of Fullmetal Alchemist coinciding with the Pope announcing seven new ‘modern’ deadly sins, it seems only natural that the two should go hand in hand. Could it be that in this new season, Ed and Al will have to battle seven new Homunculi related to these sins?

Pollution: Like a villain from Captain Planet, Pollution’s only aim is to spew noxious and damaging materials into the atmosphere. Wherever Pollution goes, animals die, plants wither and mysterious mutants turn up.

Genetic Engineering: Under the guise of a simple country doctor, Genetic Engineering carries out horrific experiments even worse than those seen at Lab 5. His aim is to improve soul transfer and chimera creation, and he is one of the few Homunculi who can use alchemy.

Obscene Riches: Bearing a remarkable physical similarity to Peter Jones of Dragons’ Den, Obscene Riches’ only goal is to make as much money as possible, even if it means bankrupting others in the process.

Taking Drugs: Usually seen lurking on a street corner, Taking Drugs can produce all kinds of mind-altering substances from within his body. His only aim is to addict as many people as possible.

Abortion: In the guise of a midwife, Abortion travels from town to town, visiting pregnant women. With a single press of her hand to a woman’s abdomen, she can dissolve the baby inside.

Paedophilia: A creepy man in an overcoat, Paedophilia has an unhealthy interest in young children, and will whisk them off at the first opportunity.

Causing Social Injustice: A knight in tarnished armour, Causing Social Injustice travels the land, wronging rights wherever he goes.

Nabari no Ou 15-16

No one said HARD GAY was safe.

“Don’t use your Liang! You’re going to rip me apart!”

“It’s no good- I just can’t control the urges!”

“I didn’t want my first time to be this way!”

“I think I love you!”

“…whether I’m STRAIGHT or HARD GAY.”

“This is what happens when you jump straight into bed with a stranger.”

“I know where the sex toys are!”

“I’d like to order Pleasure for sometime within the next seven days.”

“I know you take a while to get in the mood, but surely that should be long enough to work up to it.”

“Think of servicing us as a mission.”

“Once we have the ultimate techniques, everyone’s sex life will improve!”

*NEW* Scenes We’d Like to See

Based on the round of the same name from Mock the Week, Scenes We’d Like to See suggests an anime-related situation and then comes up with humorous suggestions. Unfortunately, we don’t have the likes of Frankie Boyle and Hugh Dennis around to help out, but we’ll try our best.

“Things a giant robot pilot would never say”

“I’m sorry, but I can’t pilot this- I haven’t had any training!”

“This robot defies the laws of physics- can’t we just use some really big guns?”

“For god’s sake, I’m only fourteen! I want to go out with my friends and buy porn magazines, not pilot some robot!”

“As a generic character who only appears in the first episode, I’m sure that I will win this battle before the main character shows up.”

“Since I went out there without a clue as to what I was doing, of course I messed up and had to be rescued by my highly trained allies.”

“I’m turning twenty-one next week.”

“I have a happy family life with absolutely nothing to complain about.”

“I am a female Gundam pilot with numerous victories and extensive battle experience.”

“I find it really hard to get the girls.”

This Week in Anime

Massive apple balloon can only be eclipsed by…

…massive ice cream balloon that doesn’t quite look like what it’s meant to be.

“At last- an orange of my own! I must crack its secrets!”

Cameraman stumbles on secret rubber duck convention.

Onegai Teacher, sponsored by T-Mobile.

Zetsubou shita!

You can’t trust an orange when it’s just been left alone like that.

“It’s an orange!”

Rubber duck takes job as impromptu censor.

Oranges and bananas may aspire to climb the dessert mountain, but can either of them break through the chocolate ceiling?

“According to this, we must report all incidences of fruit and veg in anime!”

What can be more tragic than a crushed apple?

HORSE! Get your HORSE here!

An apple a day applies even to Nekomata.

Who knew that you had to mine for strawberries?

“We’re more used to seeing strawberries, apples and oranges in anime.”

“Zetsubou shita!”

“A 9K gold hairpin set with a round brilliant cut sky blue topaz!”

Anime World Tour: Antique Bakery

Welcome to a world where cakes and HARD GAY are synonymous with each other! If you have a sweet tooth and a desire to see pretty boys who may or may not be sleeping with each other, then stop by Antique, the café that caters to all your tastes! Just watch out, however, as this world is also populated by kidnappers with a penchant for force feeding cakes to their captives.

Harem of the week: Kei Kusanagi (Onegai Teacher)

A mild-mannered young man with a disease that caused him to periodically have standstills and look 15 at age 18, Kei was nonetheless quite a hit with the ladies- especially those from outer space.

Harem

Mizuho: Kei’s alien teacher, who he ends up married to after a series of events triggered by discovering her secret. Although it is initially a marriage of convenience, they do develop feelings for each other.

Herikawa: Kei’s optimistic and good-natured classmate who obviously has unrequited feelings for him.

Ichigo: Another classmate who suffers from the same disease as Kei and hence is in fact 21 years old.

Maho: Mizuho’s little sister; she initially disapproves of Kei but later seems to develop affectionate feelings for him.

Katsuho: Mizuho’s outgoing mother, an older woman who seems interested in seducing Kei.

Welcome to our regular feature based on the TV program of the same name, in which anime characters try to market their great idea to five fat cats of anime! President Aria made his fortune in the gondola industry of Neo Venezia, and is now CEO of a well-known company. Mikoto started her business in the capital of Wind Bloom, and is now a trusted advisor to the queen, with business partners scattered across the world. The Admiral’s first business venture was to invest in a Chinese restaurant, but a meteor threat to Earth saw her buy shares in ground and space based defence technology, which she currently administers with her protégé “The General” (aka Shogun). Mr Tibbs started his career as a tea cat for the bank, but his sound grasp of finance saw him rise up the ranks until he became one of their most prominent managers. Finally, The Cardinal is the world’s most powerful fat cat, with a wide range of business interests that ensure that he has a paw in every pie (often literally, depending on his appetite). These five cats represent some heavyweight investment clout in every sense of the word, but is any deal attractive enough to get them to roll off their backsides and shake paws with a budding entrepreneur?

Braving the Den this week is John, a chef with a rather unique line of recipes to sell.

John: Hello Dragons. I’m generic chef John and I have come up with a new food line that is bound to outsell anything on the market so far! I call it the Chocolate Underground Collection!

Aria: Punyu! [Sounds great- is it a new line of rich chocolate confectionary?]

John: Uh, no- it’s actually a line of health foods based on the restrictions from Chocolate Underground. Since chocolate, vanilla, honey and pretty much every flavouring is forbidden, I’m come with a unique line of bland mushes that should satisfy every palate.

Mr Tibbs: Surely it’s possible to make tasty health foods? What about mixed fruit packs?

John: Hmm, I hadn’t considered that- but here, try this bran mush before you start complaining.

The Dragons reluctantly try John’s bran mush, but none of them seem impressed by its lack of flavour.

Mikoto: I’m not impressed by the complete lack of flavour. I don’t see this selling anywhere, and that’s why I’m out.

Aria: Punyu! [Agreed- I’m out too.]

Admiral: I made my fortune from Chinese restaurants, so I doubt there’s anyone here who knows more about food than I do- and I can tell you that you need to go back to the drawing board with this one.

Mr Tibbs: Forget the drawing board- take it straight to the bin.

Cardinal: Selling health foods to fat cats was a mistake from the start. I think I speak for all of us when I wish you a speedy farewell.

John has crashed out of the Den in flames! Will the next entrepreneur fare any better?

This Week in Anime

You can’t have a viridian cocktail without a slice of lemon.

Team A has chosen to prepare outdoor baked fish the traditional way, but impatient cooks must beware not to undercook it.

Meanwhile, Team B is preparing Unspecified Floating Brown Object Stew using a wood oven.

Members of the Orange Society have a secret meeting.

Lina tires of the prevalence of fruit in anime.

Hands up who’s thinking of that scene in Harry Potter where Sirius talks through the fireplace.

After seeing its compatriot hanged, this poor banana is about to spend its life in captivity.

If in doubt, there’s always the Harvest Moon way of life.

Don’t even ask what’s going on here.

But which is better- melons or bananas? There’s only one way to find out- FIGHT!

Melons emerge as the winner of this impromptu battle.

Why choose between different fruits when you can have them all?

Disillusioned with all the outdoor foods that are being cooked above, our critics opt for a gourmet night out instead- complete with Strawberries of Doom.

A rubber duck encourages Momoko to suggest bath HARD YURI.

“I am the destined guardian of these apples.”

“Boy, you’re wasting your life- join the orange side!”

“But beware- this is what happens to anyone who tries to leave our exclusive club.”

Anime World Tour: Toshokan Sensou

Welcome to a world where censorship protects you from all the evils that lurk in books! Never worry again that your children are indulging in unsuitable reading- everything here is safe and sanitised! We have committees working day and night to keep everything pure and acceptable to your eyes, so relax and let us take care of it! And don’t worry about those libraries- they’re just there so we can keep all the filth isolated in one place!

Harem of the week: Ukiya Shun (Gatekeepers)

As a main character with special powers, it was no wonder that Ukiya could gather women around him, but would romance take a backseat to saving the world from generic invaders?

Harem

Ruriko: The childhood friend and main girl, this tsundere hides her feelings under a veneer of anger that Ukiya remembers her as “snot-nosed Rurippe”.

Reiko: The none-too-bright rich girl.

Kaoru: The main rival, a forward girl with amazing athletic prowess.

Fei: The genius loli from China.

Yukino: The quiet and mysterious girl whose connection to the team is the only way to escape her isolated existence.

Kurogane: The smart-aleck meganekko.

]]> http://azureflame.dasaku.net/2008/08/05/tuesday-rumble-august-5th/feed/ 3 http://azureflame.dasaku.net/2008/07/22/tuesday-rumble-july-22nd/ http://azureflame.dasaku.net/2008/07/22/tuesday-rumble-july-22nd/#comments Tue, 22 Jul 2008 20:45:22 +0000 Karura http://azureflame.dasaku.net/?p=3255 Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei: the lost chapters

2-H enters the classroom, only to see that the whole place is lit by candles- Sensei is in the shadows.

Chiri: Sensei, what’s going on?

Chiri switches the light on, causing Sensei to rise up and scream.

Sensei: You mustn’t!

Maria: Sensei’s a vampire!

(Meru: Idiot.)

Sensei: Turn that light off! Class, today we must spend the entire day without relying on electricity once! Therefore, IT class is cancelled- we’ll watch an educational movie instead!

Chiri: But to watch the movie we’ll need a TV and DVD player.

Sensei: Zetsubou shita! The culture that relies so much on electricity has left me in despair!

• Can’t use TV, games consoles or computers, among other things.
• Even battery-powered laptops, mobiles and handheld gaming devices will need recharging.
• Forgotten how to cook without oven, hob and microwave.
• Water can only be boiled over a fire.
• DVDs trapped in the player until power returns.
• No lighting at night.

Amatsuki 8

“I may be huge, but this DOG will be Pleasurable.”

Hmm, does that still work these days?

“On top, maybe, but I won’t be your bitch.”

“I desire it that much!”

Amatsuki 9

Toki catches the eye of a potential HARD GAY partner.

“…already skilled in the ways of HARD GAY?”

“Why, when I was young, I barely knew of such things! How times change…”

“It’s just that you’re so damned good-looking!”

“Strip naked and prepared to be spanked!”

“Are you off to the blue light district again?”

“How many times do I have to tell you not to sleep around?”

They aren’t? My education has been sorely lacking.

The most common problem of FOX is highlighted.

Dragons’ Den

Welcome to our regular feature based on the TV program of the same name, in which anime characters try to market their great idea to five fat cats of anime! President Aria made his fortune in the gondola industry of Neo Venezia, and is now CEO of a well-known company. Mikoto started her business in the capital of Wind Bloom, and is now a trusted advisor to the queen, with business partners scattered across the world. The Admiral’s first business venture was to invest in a Chinese restaurant, but a meteor threat to Earth saw her buy shares in ground and space based defence technology, which she currently administers with her protégé “The General” (aka Shogun). Mr Tibbs started his career as a tea cat for the bank, but his sound grasp of finance saw him rise up the ranks until he became one of their most prominent managers. Finally, The Cardinal is the world’s most powerful fat cat, with a wide range of business interests that ensure that he has a paw in every pie (often literally, depending on his appetite). These five cats represent some heavyweight investment clout in every sense of the word, but is any deal attractive enough to get them to roll off their backsides and shake paws with a budding entrepreneur?

This week in the Den we have Haru and Kurama, who are here to pitch a revolutionary new form of the internet known as “The Metal”. Will the Dragons jump at the chance to be at the forefront of this technological revolution?

Kurama: Hello everyone, I’m Kurama, this is Haru, and we’re here today to pitch for investment in a brand new technological development called the Meta-Real, or Metal for short. Basically, what it allows you to do is dive into a virtual reality tailored to your choice.

Cardinal: Been there, done that.

Kurama: Ah, but this is different. Allow me to play a short video.

Kurama shows a video of the ocean-like nature of the Metal.

Aria: Punyu? [Why does it look like an ocean?]

Kurama: Well, uh, no one knows, really. But dogs have their own Metal, so presumably fat cats could too.

Mikoto: We are not fat!

Admiral: I have to admit that swimming around in a virtual ocean seems a bit too much like hard work to me- I’m out.

Kurama: But the possibilities are endless, like wish fulfilment, virtual sex and er, multiple orgasms.

Aria: Punyu! [There’s no way I can attach my name to such a seedy practice- I’m out.]

Mr Tibbs: Tell me, what sort of equipment do you need to connect to the Metal?

Kurama: Well, like Haru here, you can get yourself a cyberbrain- or you can use a special diving bell type apparatus.

Mr Tibbs: Could you tell me a little more about these cyberbrains? Would they let me log onto the bank directly?

Kurama: Yes, but you’d run the risk of having your brain hacked or your spare CPU cycles put to use by unscrupulous companies.

Mr Tibbs: Well, I have to admit that I’m unwilling to invest until those security risks are worked out, so I’m out.

Cardinal: I must admit that while I’m interested in virtual realities in general, this one does seem a little convoluted for my tastes. I understand that you were trying to be different, but I think it’s backfired- when I go online I want to relax, not literally go diving.

It seems as if the Metal isn’t a big hit in the Den- the Dragons have seen better virtual realities already. Kurama and Haru will have to leave emptyhanded.

Anime Big Brother

Maki settles into his room in the Big Brother house.

Aoki: Hey, Maki, did you bring your women’s clothes? I was hoping we could have a little dress up session later.

Maki: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Aoki: Yes you do, don’t you remember?

Maki: Shut up, Aoki!

Meanwhile, in the living room…

Allison: I love you, Wil!

Wil: Eh? Oh, that’s nice. Do you like my sweater?

Kuu-chan: Is dinner ready yet? I’m starving.

Lawrence: I’ll sell you these apples for three Thoreni silver coins.

Horo: Get away from those apples! They’re mine!

Doumeki: Watanuki, everyone’s getting hungry.

Watanuki: And I suppose you’re going to say it’s my turn to cook again? Honestly, I don’t know why I put up with this.

Doumeki: Don’t forget your apron.

Watanuki: Thanks- hey, wait a minute!

This Week in Anime

See what happens to oranges stored in the fridge.

Aagh, tangerines are taking over her brain!

Natsume Yuujinchou supports peaches!

Beyblade spotted on Wagaya no Oinari-sama.

Could this be the fruit invasion that we’ve dreaded for so long?

Agreed- that’s not suspicious at all.

Nice boat!

Tsubasa Chronicle, soon to be renamed Apple Chronicle.

Men, be sure to name your ‘weapon’ for a better Gun experience.

“You’ll use your right hand for the actual Hyper Self Pleasure.”

“This Hyper Self Pleasure isn’t working!”

Liang or Ezo, they all come under the same heading in the end.

“You’d think she’d have given up by now.”

I hate logos, images, icons and avatars! Put an end to them all!

“It’s not like we have time for full Pleasure right now.”

Pinocchio admits he’s more comfortable in the HARD GAY scene.

Anime World Tour: Chocolate Underground

Welcome to a world where voter apathy has caused the super healthy to take power! Don’t worry about sweets- chocolate, vanilla, honey and various other confections are banned, ensuring that all you’ll have to eat is a tasteless mush! You can also enjoy daily adverts and health bulletins, all of which are compulsory to ensure that you don’t accidentally miss them and regret it later! And don’t worry about rumours of secret underground facilities where they force you to eat hideous chocolate- the police are already seeking them out to make your world a safer and more tasteless place.

Reverse Harem of the week: Ange (Koi Suru Tenshi Angelique)

Other heroines may have had to make do with seven or eight bishounen, but Ange netted no fewer than nine protectors in her plot-free adventure.

Harem

Marcel: Obligatory blonde shota.

Olivie: Cross-dresser with a taste in Victorian-style fashions and bi-coloured hair.

Randy: Hot-headed, honest and open type.

Zephel: ‘Cool’ punk warrior type, becomes angered when he realises he doesn’t have a destined HARD GAY partner.

Luva: Quiet book lover; spends his days researching HARD GAY in the library.

Clavis: Calm and collected type with a semi-tragic past.

Oscar: Knight type with a fondness for HORSE.

Lumiel: Musician with HARD GAY ties to Clavis.

Julius: Blonde princely type.

Arios: Not a destined bishounen, but a wandering swordsman who randomly turns up later in the series.

Over at Random Curiosity, many seem to be finding it hard to occupy themselves between episodes of Clannad, especially when the series takes a week off. Now, we at Azure Flame are an understanding lot (I say we, but I really mean me), and so we’ve decided to put together some suggestions as to what you can do to ease the pain of those long waits.

• Watch other anime: I’ve been reliably informed that anime series other than Clannad do, in fact, exist, and some of them are even superior to it. Watching them will surely help the time pass.
• Rewatch old episodes: If you really can’t accept the existence of those other series, then at least watch the first half of the series again…and again…and again.
• Take up a new hobby: Fill your life with, well, activity- perchance you already have work, school or both, but there are many other things you can do to fill your time. Get out of the house more, and the wait will seem less strenuous.
• Discover manga and gaming: If you absolutely cannot leave the house, then at least make the time spent indoors interesting. Manga and gaming aren’t too dissimilar from the anime scene, so you can ease yourself into them.
• Stare at a black screen: If all else fails, try this- you never know what images you might be able to discern if you look at the blackness long enough.

Kaiji- the Room of Naked Men

“It’s not fair! I’m telling Mum!”

“It’s time for you to learn the meaning of HARD GAY, boy!”

“We don’t have time to waste!”

“Hmm, I suppose your size is acceptable.”

“Men can’t have sex with other men- can they?”

Yes, Kaiji, they can.

“Come here boy- I like the look of your tackle.”

“I like a man who’s willing to experiment.”

“Now, since it’s your first time, I won’t force you to go all the way.”

“This place is about one thing and one thing early- casual sex!”

“He’s taking me from behind!”

“All right, you had me- but now it’s my turn!”

“Take it like a man!”

Kaiji develops a foot fetish.

“I don’t want it anymore!”

Really? I hadn’t noticed.

“What cologne do you use?”

“Oh god, how did I end up in an escape pod ejected into outer space?”

Dragons’ Den: Magic CCTV and Villain Chair

Welcome to a new feature based on the TV program of the same name, in which anime characters try to market their great idea to five fat cats of anime! President Aria made his fortune in the gondola industry of Neo Venezia, and is now CEO of a well-known company. Mikoto started her business in the capital of Wind Bloom, and is now a trusted advisor to the queen, with business partners scattered across the world. The Admiral’s first business venture was to invest in a Chinese restaurant, but a meteor threat to Earth saw her buy shares in ground and space based defence technology, which she currently administers with her protégé “The General” (aka Shogun). Mr Tibbs started his career as a tea cat for the bank, but his sound grasp of finance saw him rise up the ranks until he became one of their most prominent managers. Finally, The Cardinal is the world’s most powerful fat cat, with a wide range of business interests that ensure that he has a paw in every pie (often literally, depending on his appetite). These five cats represent some heavyweight investment clout in every sense of the word, but is any deal attractive enough to get them to roll off their backsides and shake paws with a budding entrepreneur?

Next into the Den is one Fei Wong Reed, who is looking for investment in his Equipment of Evil company. Can he offer a deal tempting enough to get the Dragons interested?

Fei Wong: Greetings, fat cats! I’m here today to pitch for investment in Equipment of Evil, a company specialising in high-end equipment for archvillains. I’ve brought some samples of our products here with me today- a custom-built chair for conducting villainous activities in, and a magic CCTV with which to automatically watch the heroes’ activities. The market for this type of product is growing all the time, and if you invest, you can be part of it. Any questions?

Aria: Punyu? [How did you get to this concept?]

Fei Wong: Well, as a sufferer of frequent back pain, I knew that standing all the time wasn’t going to do me any good, but once I was in the chair, I couldn’t really do much without having a good way to watch the heroes.

Mr Tibbs: I notice your CCTV seems to be on Syaoran TV at the moment- is there any way to change that?

Fei Wong: Well, each CCTV will be tuned to a custom hero channel using our patented technology.

Mr Tibbs: I see- and is there any way to change the channel if I get bored? Say I want to take time off and just relax in front of Sky Movies- would that be possible?

Fei Wong: Unfortunately, we haven’t yet discovered any way of changing the channel.

Fei Wong’s pitch was going way, but by admitting a major flaw in his product, he has lost the interest of at least one of the Dragons.

Mr Tibbs: I’m sorry to say it, but that makes your product infinitely less attractive to me- I mean, who would spend 177 chapters of their life watching the same channel? And for that reason, I’m out.

Mr Tibbs has declared himself out- what will the other Dragons think?

The Admiral: Fei Wong, how many of these have you sold so far?

Fei Wong: Well, about, er, ten in the last year.

The Admiral: Ten?

Fei Wong: They’re custom builds with a five-hundred percent mark-up. We are making money.

The Admiral: Well yes, but I don’t believe your claim that this is a scalable business- I think you’ll shift a few, but never enough for me to make a return, and that’s the reason why I’m out.

Mikoto: Just to let you know where I am, I’m out too.

Aria: Punyu. [I've heard bad things about you in the press, and I think your negative image will reflect badly on me, so I'm out.]

Cardinal: I’m sorry, but I have to agree with everyone else’s objections; this isn’t a company I can make money on so I won’t be investing, but I would like to place an order for my own chair and CCTV.

Fei Wong: Hah, I knew you wouldn’t invest, but this is all going to plan! Farewell, suckers!

Fei Wong has left the Den without investment.

Mr Tibbs: When will he learn that that “everything’s going to plan” line doesn’t fool anyone anymore?

This Week in Anime

Apples- as endorsed by Master Keaton.

“Dad, I support apples now- get these oranges out of here.”

“It’s a fruit overload!”

For the ultimate flavourless experience, try new Bland!

“I know I swore loyalty to apples, but these peaches are mighty fine!”

Note the Mikoto-cross on the forehead of the dog.

Why do I feel like there might be the teensiest flaw in this argument?

Two MANLY men meet for some HARD GAY on the so-called “Meat Day”.

Anime World Tour- Last Exile

Welcome to the world of Prestale, where vanships roam the skies and the nobles enjoy a life of luxury and plenty even as the commoners struggle to find clean water. Fear not, however, for during your stay on our planet, the Maestro Delphine will kindly allow you to sample all of the delicacies the Guild has to offer- for a price. Be it crucifixion in roses or gladiatorial combat to the death, you can be sure that your time at the Guild will never lack for excitement!

For those on a more modest budget, however, we recommend the planetary surface package- it may not be as glamorous, but you will be able to watch vanships in flight, bet on chocobo races and much, much more!

Mini-editorial: Blogging the British way

Now apparently, the mere act of being British is enough to level up one’s blogging, and truly our allies in other countries must be wondering- how can we ever compete with those tea-sipping villains? Well, kind as I am, I have decided to put together the secrets of blogging success, and you won’t even have to emigrate to achieve them.

• Drink plenty of tea: tea is the fuel of Britain; without it, we cannot function. By sipping tea regularly, you can increase brain function and write yards of flawless, fascinating prose.
• Force everyone to speak the language: English may not be your first language, but we demand that you blog in it to demonstrate our apparent superiority and hide our inability to write in any other language. Unfortunately for all concerned, the English language has about a million words, of which the average native speaker knows 10,000- if we only know 1% of our own language, how can anyone else ever be expected to master it?
• Rename your country: Naming it “Great Britain” must truly have had an effect- try renaming your nation to something like “Fabulous Germany” or “Awesome Malaysia” to see if it helps.
• Master our culture and history by watching Blackadder- this will teach you relevant historical facts and demonstrate the use of humour, sarcasm and irony at its best.

In Your Reflection

This week sees a head-to-head between Aria’s Alice and Minami-ke’s Chiaki; both are the youngest of their respective main character groups, with a cool know-it-all attitude and a tendency to be blunt in their assessment of other people. Nonetheless, both of them can act childish at times, be it trying to get home by only walking in shadows, or naming a rock and kicking it all the way home

Amusing Search Terms

Old favourite: you toube sex

anime girls with ears: they mostly do have ears, unless they’ve been in some kind of accident.

animeblogger girl wrestling: Hmm, I wonder what my fellow female bloggers would think of taking part in such a thing.

“mechanic”+”ardavan”: Were you searching for Makai Kingdom or physics information?

anime girl free herself to Christmas: Hmm…

removing bikini: Quite simple, really.

“damned souls” naked: Naked prinnies! Shocking!

use me for sex: Don’t you think we should get to know each other first?

“rpg maker”breast: Breasts in RMXP are mere pixels.

Amusing Spam

“Zimbabwe: $10bn Cash Deal -…

Mutekede tendered her mobile phone to the court which showed five text messages she sent Kadzura after her arrest and…”

…and what happens next? It’s like my very own soap opera!

“Fundraiser focuses on ”Beginnings” -…

Silent and live auction items include VIP seats to Broadway shows; a New York City package featuring a taping of…”

Hmm…

“cuppoodles in wilkes county”

nAre these dogs that double as teacups?

“blood clot color diagram”

Red?

“Alan…

Please, you have to elaborate on this one. I remember this movie celebrity I meet that would chuckle at this….”

Alan isn’t a man to elaborate on such things.

“asked question tattoos of gypsy girl”

I don’t know what tattoos she had, to be honest. Sorry.

Welcome to a world where school doesn’t have to be all about textbooks and theory- if you’re inexplicably talented and mature for your age, then anyone from age 5-15 can enlist in Garden, an elite school that teaches you how to be a mercenary! From festivals to intense weapons training, the three Garden facilities (Balamb, Galbadia and Trabia) offer everything you could possibly require for those fun and wholesome formative years. You can even learn how to do more than just mindlessly attack your enemy by equipping a Guardian Force (GF) and unleashing awesome magic, summoning and item-using powers (note: some reports claim GF use can have an adverse effect on memory, but these are mere rumours with no scientific backing).

Adults and casual visitors need not despair, however, for there is plenty to occupy them too. From challenging random strangers to the widely popular card game Triple Triad to enlisting in the Galbadian army, you are bound to find something to suit your needs! Just remember that television and radio signals are severely affected by interference, so you may not be able to tune into the BBC world service.

Heroic Age revisited

“…once they find out you have this giant sex toy.”

“Who needs a lover when I have this to Pleasure me?”

“Why did I have it made out of chocolate?”

“No one must learn about my secret love of trashy teen horror flicks.”

What I love about Heroic Age is how it makes you feel up close and personal with the action.

“We’d better get them to form an oderly queue, or it’ll be chaos!”

#

“Mmm, I’d like to be first in line.”

Use of the custom paintbrush facility in GIMP enables hundreds of identical ships to be drawn in mere seconds.

“Hey, are we even on the right show?”

“Sorry, I have to rest for a moment- my backside is sore from all the kissing.”

“The camera crane is stuck again- I can’t get it to lower!”

This Week in Anime

One man tells his sad tale of servitude to the orange empire.

More to the point, what are you doing with that raccoon?

I love Oh! Edo Rocket, but scenes like this still terrify me.

“I hope no one notices I’m standing in for the real Bartender.”

Apples team up with grapes to overthrow the evil Montague.

Oranges are caught trying to illegally enter the country.

“I hear you give excellent Hyper Self Pleasure.”

“I haven’t done it in a while- I hope I’m not rusty.”

“True love- or at least true lust.”

“That is why I perfected Hyper Self Pleasure!”

Mini-editorial: Character depth- can it sometimes be too much?

In real life, people are complex- they have various facets to their personality, and it is highly unlikely that any two people would agree with or approve of each other a hundred percent of the time. Nonetheless, the medium of television often likes to render things a bit more simplistically- heroes are heroic, villains are villainous and supporting characters, well they’re lucky to get more than one or two character gimmicks.

Nonetheless, the demand for “realism” has continued to make itself known over the years, and so it has been that in due course writers have tried to add a bit more depth and complexity to their characters with the aid of back stories, ambiguity and the like. Our hero may have a bleak past of assassination and murder, our villain may simply be a misguided product of an abusive upbringing. Such gimmicks are now familiar to us, but still we must ask- is there a point where it all becomes too much. To put it succinctly, are we able to throw ourselves behind a likable character who ordered the death of millions?

To go to the example that inspired this editorial, let’s look at Roy Mustang from Fullmetal Alchemist. The Roy Mustang we see on screen is a competent officer with a wicked sense of humour and the ability to inspire great loyalty in his troops- altogether a likable character. Nonetheless, as we dig a bit into his past, we learn that he is also responsible for the deaths of innocent people- admittedly an act he committed under orders and one which he regrets, but can we ever fully put aside his complicity? Do we accept the Mustang we see in the present, embracing him as one of our favourite characters even as we gloss over his less savoury deeds?

Ultimately, then, it must come down to what we, as the viewers, want from our characters; do we wish to be challenged to feel ambivalent about them, to build relationships with them that involve some conflict and complexity of feeling? Are there some acts that cannot be forgiven, no matter how contrite or likable the perpetrator is now portrayed? Are shallow characters cliché, or is it actually comforting to have heroes who embody ideals of purity, courage and optimism, alongside pantomime-esque villains that we can boo, jeer at and generally hate without fear of political correctness? Perhaps, in the end, there is room for both in our viewing schedules.

In Your Reflection

This week we take a look at two girls who may well be identical twins- Code Geass’ CC and Darker than Black’s Amber. Aside from their remarkable physical similarities, both have special powers, an importance to the plot that doesn’t surface straightaway, and a secondary role as Pizza Hut poster girls.

Amusing Search Terms

Old favourite: www.you toube

goo toube sex : you toube was one thing, but goo toube is just plain scary.

harvest moon help two beds together: you sick, sick person- this is a game for kids!

final fantasy 7 yuffie rape game: no, that wasn’t one of the proposed spin-offs.

maria sama ga minute: In the words of Google, did you mean Maria-sama ga Miteru?

Amusing Spam

I know you were all dying to read the Spanish Viagra advert, but unfortunately it was too long to copy and paste here.

“The Intelligent Warrior Subliminal Videos | …

intelligent warrioir video series…”

I can’t wait to watch it, whatever it is.

Part I: Wu

Lu Xun: The main character, young, good-looking and virile. Having been taught by the great Zhuge Liang himself, he knows of many techniques, but he doesn’t seem to take the hint when approached by potential lovers.

Sun Ce: A rough and powerful lover, his skills are enhanced by the Lord’s Cube.

Sun Quan: A gentle, effeminate lover- prefers to be submissive.

Taishi Ci: Another rough and direct lover, prefers to use Axe. Not for those who prefer a man with a bit of finesse.

Ling Tong: An enthusiastic if not especially skilled partner, recommended only as a last resort if you can’t get anyone else.

Ling Cao: A solid and knowledgeable lover.

Lu Meng: Although he seems tentative and shy in the bedroom, Lu Meng shows some worthy Spear work once he loosens up. Beware when seducing him, as Taishi Ci considers himself to have first claim.

Zhang Zhao: An older advisor, experienced but not a particularly worthy lover.

Huang Gai: Another older lover; lack of action may have made him rusty, but with the right man his talents will blossom once again.

Gan Ning: Zhou Yu’s bitch; know for his tendency to devote himself to a single master. Show him some new techniques, and he will be putty in your hand.

Zhou Yu: One of the most HARD GAY men of the age, his Flute skills are second to none. Known for choosing his lovers carefully, he refuses to be anything other than dominant, and will not accept that there is anyone larger than him. Proceed with caution to avoid bruising his ego.

Zhou Tai: Quite possibly the long lost brother of Kanbe from Samurai 7; another older lover who is solid yet out of practice.

Zhuge Jin: A dominant lover who is skilled in the ways of Claw and Thread. Sleep with him if you wish, but be aware that he will manipulate his lovers in all sorts of way in return for Pleasure.

Lu Su: Although young and enthusiastic, Lu Su has only a Dagger and so may not prove the most satisfying experience in the bedroom. He also has the embarrassing tendency to shout out “Zhuge Liang!” no matter who he is sleeping with.

Join us next week for parts 2-3, covering Wei and Shu!

This Week in Anime

Forget Big Brother- Pizza Hut is always watching you.

“…HORSE!”

“Come to me, you big stallion!”

“Is this enough fruit for you?”

“Oh no, a yellow thing is kissing a grape!”

“Now let’s all eat some fruit!”

“Hey, when’s Akagi going to show up?”

“Fast food- you are hereby placed under arrest by the healthy fruit federation!”

“Now, Lu Xun, let me demonstrate the correct hold for the tango.”

Anime World Tour: Dennou Coil

Welcome to a future where virtual reality is literally everywhere! For a small investment in a pair of special glasses, you can see and interact with a virtual overlay of the real world. Invest in a cute cyber pet, send e-mails and phone calls to your friends and generally enjoy this next step of the internet, all for a reasonable price! Please note, however, use of illegal hacking items and encodes is strongly discouraged, whilst we would like to dispel any alarm caused by false rumours of dangerous obsolete spaces and virus programs. Rest assured that if you do see anything out of the ordinary, those in authority already know about it and will be working to correct the problem.

Mini-editorial: Recovering the spark of the early days

Veteran anime fans, join me for a moment in remembering the times when anime was new and exciting. In those times, just the sight of anime style designs was a noteworthy event, and there was something almost magical about the vast and largely unexplored world of anime- one which surely must contain the series we’d always hoped for and dreamed of in its depths.

Unfortunately, as time passes and one becomes more familiar with both anime and manga, that initial spark inevitably tends to wear away. Anime is commonplace, even overabundant, to the point where one becomes finicky, critical and less likely to try any old series that comes their way. Old series that were once cherished are now deleted or sold, and the excitement of the early days seems entirely absent. Now, I’ve already discussed the “evolution” of a fan’s relationship with anime in previous Tuesday Rumbles, but one thing I haven’t touched on is how to recover- however briefly- the feelings of embarking on something new and exciting. And since waiting for an ultimate series like Dennou Coil to come along and re-energise the old enthusiasm is something of a hit and miss venture, alternate methods must be found.

Perhaps the best way to briefly feel the magic once again is simply to try something new within the vast boundaries of one’s hobby. Visit blogs and take note of the writers’ favourite anime and manga- especially if they are titles you’ve barely heard of. If anime doesn’t inspire you, move onto manga, and if even that won’t do, try some Japanese RPGs. It may only be a temporary measure to appease a jaded palette, but even the briefest return to those simple times when you didn’t know enough to argue about the deeper symbolism of ef or analyse the characters of SaiMono must be a welcome respite.

Harem of the week: Aoyagi Ritsuka (Loveless)

He lost his memory and worried that he wasn’t the real Ritsuka, but that didn’t stop him inadvertently charming all those around him.

Harem

Aoyagi Seimei: Ritsuka’s apparently deceased brother; seemed rather close to his younger sibling and is quoted as saying he needs only a world with himself and Ritsuka.

Agatsuma Soubi: Seimei’s Fighter, now passed onto Ritsuka- the seductive older man.

Yuiko: The optimistic if none too bright classmate.

Osamu: A side story character and childhood friend.

Shoko: Ritsuka’s psychologist, wishes she was younger so that she could be closer to Ritsuka.

Rivals

Kio: Soubi’s friend- wishes Soubi would concentrate on him instead of chasing children.

Yayoi: Another classmate, he likes Yuiko even though she rejected him, and sees Ritsuka as a rival.

Amusing Search Terms

Nightmare Flames: Burn in heck!

FF7 Red XIII with tifa hentai: It disturbs me that I have a feeling I’ve seen something along these lines.

code geass hentai dougin: In the words of Google, “Did you mean code geass hentai doujin?”

how to keep yourself from being ideal in: I’m too perfect! Tell me how to act flawed!

manga diaper movie: This worries me.

how does harukanaru toki no naka de end?: Poorly.

friends forever(anime): We’ll be friends forever…wait, who are you?

blindfold anime episodes: Some episodes are better when watched whilst blindfolded, I find.

Amusing Spam

“Hello, my name is Gudvin, I like yours blog.”

Thank you, Gudvin.

“fsoft…

It can many times get wearisome to extract the acceptable grannycinema data from the poor….”

The idea of “grannycinema” both perplexes and scares me.

Since most readers on here are above the age of ten, you may or may not be aware of Club Penguin, a children’s website which I admittedly visit once or twice a fortnight to mess around on. Nonetheless, Club Penguin feels lacking in something, and so it seems to me that we must update it for the anime and gaming generation, with an all-new spin on it entitled Club Prinny. On Club Prinny, one must input a number of sins in order to generate a damned soul, which is then sewn into a prinny. After customising your prinny, you can wander around the Netherworld performing tasks to atone for your sins, and generally serving Laharl and Etna. Special events include payday (once a year) and the night of the red moon, where prinnies who have atoned for their sins can finally leave the site.

So don’t delay, play the simulation of eternal servitude for the souls of the damned today!

Kaiji 4

“HARD GAY will be revolutionised!”

“Oh no, my fantasy is turning into a tentacle rape nightmare!”

“…and yet I’m starting to feel strangely aroused.”

“That means we’re compatible!”

Random Thoughts: Zetta

This week we interview the most badass Overlord in the entire cosmos- Zetta! So, Zetta, are you really as badass as you claim, or is it all just a smokescreen?

Of course I’m that badass! Don’t ask me those kinds of questions unless you’re ready to go a few rounds and find out.

How did your career and life opportunities change once you got turned into a book? Did you have to turn over a new leaf?

Look, I’m sick of the book jokes already, okay? Yeah, being in this form isn’t ideal, but don’t think that I’m out of the game because of it. Everyone has minor setbacks, but strong people like me can easily overcome them.

Does it annoy you that you have to rely on low level battle monkeys whilst you sit on the field as a motionless book?

Part of me would love to get up close and personal with the enemy, but then again, you don’t spend years clawing your way up the ladder just to keep doing everything yourself. There’s no point having underlings if you don’t delegate the day to day work to them.

And finally, which is better- love or power?

Power, you idiot! Love is for losers.

This Week in Anime

“Look, oranges, I hate to say this, but I just don’t think our relationship is working out.”

What would life be without Pizza Hut?

“Ouch- why did you have to kick me there?”

“Take me now! I don’t care that we’re in public!”

“I will now teach you survival- Ray Mears style!”

“Tell the truth- you just hid that behind the bush earlier, didn’t you?”

“I support grapes and the revolution!”

“This fruit is not for the likes of you!—

“Oh well, I’ll make do with walnuts- they’re everywhere anyway.”

Anime World Tour: Utawarerumono

Welcome to a pastoral future of furries, simple living, gods and monsters! If you like the idea of a harem of cat, dog and foxgirls, then this is the place for you, and whilst the constant political turmoil across the continent may seem off-putting, it does ensure that you can go from nothing to owning your own country within a matter of weeks. So put your plans of conquest to the test and net yourself your own castle filled with beautiful girls- but beware of continual attack from unstable dictators!

Amusing Search Terms

women in tears anime: You beast, wanting to see women cry.

unusual pleasuring methods: Ah, you’ve come to the right place for everything from DOG to PILLAR.

azure rare playmate: Who doesn’t want a playmate?

Mai HiME doujin H-game: Sorry, my game is all-ages.

punyu movie: What is this?

anime bad angel: Bad angel- naughty!

realistic naruto: Naruto is highly realistic, isn’t it?

anime girL FROM OUTER SPACE: she’s from OUTER SPACE, I tell you!

Amusing Spam

“Instant Payday Loan…

>From what I can tell public policy managers who reside in Waterbury whimsically applaud cash advances…”

How utterly whimsical of them.

“amateur housewife…

I really do not understand why you are so on you”re point….”

Sorry, but I just have to make my point before I’m satisfied.

“free magic coin tricks…

Have heard from it before, but is indeed a very good comment. Thanks….”

Glad I could help with your free magic coin tricks.

“amateur wife…

..”

This whole business is filled with amateurs! Let’s see some professional wives.

Are you sick of using the same tired old phrases to describe melons in anime? Has Dragonaut just made it impossible to find new adjectives to accurately capture their size, bounciness and general defiance of the laws of physics? Then you need the new Systeme Internationale approved unit of melons- the hooter (htr)! Using a ranking system from 0-10, the htr scale encapsulates all the properties of melons and expresses them as a single, easy to understand number.

Sisters of Wellber 10

After the split, Tina is quick to find a new woman to warm her bed.

Note the presence of apples.

Why do relationships with one-shot characters never work out?

“…I have feelings for you!”

“I know.”

“Would you like a special gift?”

“Special gift? Didn’t we already do it tonight?”

“That was just foreplay!”

“Now let’s get down to business.”

This Week in Anime

“I have begun the Pleasure, but in order to take it to the next level, we need the fiery skills of the Russians.”

“Good- we can rely on them to offer good Pleasure.”

“These apples have been defeated!”

“But their companions in the bowl over there may want revenge!”

“So many fruits! What should we choose?”

“Nondescript orange fruit! Get your nondescript orange fruit here!”

The girls swap out apples for oranges.

Believe it or not, baskets of oranges read books when no one is around.

They also go on covert missions.

“Yes, considering I am an apple I have lived to a ripe old age- pun intended.”

Anime World Tour: Devil Lady

Welcome to a future where your wildest dreams of hideous monsters have just come true! If your thrive on danger, giant beasts and the possibility of being crushed and/or ripped apart as part of the collateral damage, then this is the place for you! Humanity is evolving, and it isn’t a pretty sight, but then science rarely is- so if you’re committed to biology and genetics, you owe it to yourself to see the next stage in human evolution! Who knows, you may even carry the Devil Beast gene yourself, in which case you too could transform at any time!

Harem of the week: Kohta (Elfen Lied)

He seemed benign enough, but his warm, friendly and spacious home was clearly designed to entrap as many women as possible.

Harem

Yuka: Kohta’s cousin, she harbours protective feelings for him, and even gets aroused by a couple of close encounters. She is continually jealous when other girls arrive on the scene.

Mayu: A homeless girl who ran away from her abusive stepfather and into Kohta’s tender arms.

Lucy/Nyu: A Diclonius with a dual personality, one simplistic and attached to Kohta, the other a cold killer who can only be stayed by her feelings for him due to their shared past.

Nana: A young and innocent Diclonius, becomes part of the harem after her “Papa” sends her away for her own safety.

Nozomi: A manga-only character who visits Kohta and Yuka; due to a bladder control problem she wears a diaper.

Amusing Search Terms

punyu movie, punyu movie free: Is this some kind of special President Aria movie?

ratchet and clank hentai, ratchet + sasha : hentai: it disturbs me that someone is looking for furry and metallic action.

busou renkin season two: don’t even suggest such a thing- besides, there’s no more manga material to base it on.

weekly around up: Is that like a Round-Up?

saga frontier time lord: I must admit there are many things I don’t remember about Saga Frontier, but I’m pretty sure The Doctor didn’t have a cameo.

Ratchet and Clank Universe

Ratchet and Clank is a great game series, but there are still ways to make it even better- and one of those ways is through R&C Universe. In this innovative game, every planet that has been featured in an R&C game up until now is available to visit, with all the races, space battles and other mini-games that you could ever wish for! Not only that, but the planets will go beyond their previous incarnations, opening up more locations and settlements for you to explore- meet Ratchet’s friends and family on Veldin, see Angela’s home and participate in the filming of all new Secret Agent Clank episodes! It’s a fully formed universe of its own, and you need never leave…

Ratchet Team Racing

nContinuing the impromptu R&C theme, let’s imagine another game the series really shouldn’t be without- Ratchet Team Racing! Whether you want to grind it up in your groundcar, join the Desert Riders’ hoverbike race or just hoverboard your way up to becoming the next Skidd McMarxx, this is the game for you. Play as Ratchet, Clank, Sasha, Angela, Qwark, Skidd, Al or Skrunch the monkey and burn the rubber in the next galactic tournament! Be warned, though, even getting from planet to planet requires you to race through space against champions like Ace Bunyon- and in the interstellar depths, anything goes!

Gundam 00 1

Here we see the brother of Rosenberg from El Cazador, complete with fetching ponytail.

And here we have the man that generic blonde shota will grow up to be.

“This Liang has nothing on my mighty ‘flagpole’.”

“Indeed, this is one of New Wang’s more disappointing products.”

The Grand Liang stretches up into space.

“Oh my god, I’ve just seen us on the big screen and we’re all so generic looking!”

Don’t you just hate when that happens?

Better than losing your manhood, at least.

Meet Haro: R2D2 edition.

Why do I feel these unpleasant Mai-Otome vibes?

This Week in Anime

Zhuge Liangs reach new proportions.

“Oh my god, I’ve produced some sort of hideous mutant!”

Strawberries return.

“I can’t be having PILLAR!”

HORSE is available even in the remotest of areas.

Today on Gintama: how to use flowers to get around topics that can’t be broadcast on TV.

Pizza Hut and Coca Cola- working together for a better future.

Limes make a rare appearance.

First we had oranges, but now apples assert their superiority.

Another juicy casualty in the ongoing fruit war.

Anime World Tour: Yokohama Kaidashi Kikou

Welcome to the quietest and most tranquil post-apocalyptic Japan you’ll ever see- much of what was once land is underwater and resources are increasingly thin on the ground, but there are many wonderful sights to see. From trees shaped like lampposts and mushrooms with faces to androids and mystical creatures, there is plenty for explorers to investigate, although there is plenty of provision for those who enjoy the quiet life as well. Stop in at Café Alpha for a nice cup of coffee and conversation, or just wander around enjoying the slower pace of life.

Mini-editorial: Forcing a community?

I meant to write about this last week, but when a lack of energy caused it to be omitted, I had to wait until now. This week, we examine the new situation ay 9rules, already summarised by Hung, one in which members are now required to actively participate in the community if they want their blogs listed on the site (leading to a mass exodus). The question is, can trying to force a community out of people who are there for another service ever work? Certainly scanlators who make people post on their forums before they can download manga only encourages spammers and those with little interest in making a long-term commitment to said forums.

Ultimately, people who want to post on a forum or message board will do so because they want to talk to like-minded people online- trying to force them to overcome apathy and disinterest can never work for long. You’ll either end up with a greatly reduced community that has no purpose other than being a clique for a few die-hards or a diluted place where nothing but the most shallow of comments are exchanged.

(This may seem hypocritical since I’m still on 9rules at the time of writing, but I’m sure in time they’ll kick me out for lack of enthusiasm.)

Harem of the Week: Yuuichi (Kanon)

As a star of his own harem diaries, it is only right that Yuuichi the sarcastic browbeater gets a turn in harem of the week to show off his successes.

Makoto: The hot-headed fox who became a human to be with her beloved; lived her human life under Yuuichi’s thumb.

Ayu: The loli who went to special measures never to grow up so that she could always appeal to Yuuichi’s love of little girls.

Nayuki: The sleepy cousin and childhood friend.

Shiori: The sick girl with a special illness that kept her off school but let her sit outside in the middle of winter wearing light clothes and a loosely wrapped scarf.

Kaori: Shiori’s sister, hides her feelings under a veneer of calm efficiency and brusqueness.

Mai: The strong but silent type who fights monsters in the school at night.

Sayuri: Mai’s best friend, generally cheerful and positive until her tragic past is revealed.

Amusing Search Terms

sou hime tides: Hmm?

inject balls: I don’t even want to imagine this as anything other than a simple lottery machine.

gay symbol: The Zhuge Liang.

light falling angel anime: D.N.Angel?

utawarerumono castle: It’s boring, don’t go there.

anime monster white: That’s specific.

government experiment gone wrong: They always do, don’t they?

angel of light and darkness anime art: sounds interesting.

RPGmakerXP nude sprites: I actually have one, but only for a template.

bikini anime: The ultimate in fanservice.

anime lu xun really gay: How many times do I have to tell you?

gaytrainingcamp: Have fun.

Amusing Spam

“Blondie girl here.

pamala anderson”

Is she any relation to Pamela Anderson?

“search engine optimization…

It can sometimes become hard to divide the valuable weight loss resource info from the inadequate….“

Indeed it can.

“If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it? — Steven Wright”

One of the better spam of recent times.