RPG Maker: Perfect Edition

As we all know, the best edition of RPG Maker would be one that could read your mind and create a game based on your imagination, but in the meantime, let’s come up with a few ideas that would make RPG making easier.

• Tilesets and resources for numerous different settings, including modern, futuristic, Japan, period Europe, India, Middle Eastern and Native American.
• Full support for 2D, 3D and isometric games.
• A selection of battle systems covering almost every RPG, action RPG, platformer, fighting game and simulation game imaginable.
• Read made animations for every sort of physical and magical attack.
• Numerous pre-made events, as well as more move options that actually work.
• Fully customisable message windows (with minimal effort and scripting).
• Inbuilt support for summon monsters and exotic job classes.

Fist of the Blue Sky

Observe the muscular MANLINESS.

Sakura petals are always a sign of HARD GAY.

“No, you don’t put the Cane there!”

“We can surely fit in some HARD GAY.”

“Did you know you can get high on chalk?”

MANLY affection.

“I’ve never had Finger before!”

“We haven’t reached a climax yet!”

“It is called a condom.”

MANLY affection, redux.

“They all have dirty minds!”

Short parody: Tokyo Mew Mew A La Mode

Berry is introduced.

Berry: Hello, I’m Berry! I’m the new main character now that Ichigo is gone!

Tasuku: And I’m Tasuku, the obligatory love interest!

Berry: Now, there was too much angst last time because the main guy didn’t know the lead was a magical girl, so you might as well find out straightaway.

Tasuku: Berry, shut up- stories like this need angst!

Berry: Oh well, let’s angst over the fact that we both want to become more than childhood friends.

Mint etc: Hey, what about us? We went through seven volumes with hardly any development and now we’re getting shafted too!

Zakuro: Looks like it- they’re even making us all randomly transfer to Berry’s school.

Pudding: This makes no sense anymore!

Berry: Shut up- you’re destined to be supporting characters forever!

(Kish: At least you got page time.)

The new enemy, the Saint Rose Crusaders, arrive.

Saint Rose Crusaders: Gwakaka, we are the new evil! We have many members, but absolutely no development, and no reason to exist!

Ichigo returns.

Ichigo: I heard someone was taking over as main character! I can’t let that happen, so I’m back!

The Saint Rose Crusaders commence their evil plan.

Saint Rose Crusader #1: I’ve come up with a most excellent plan! First, I’ll use subliminal messages to make everyone love Tokyo Mew Mew, and then I’ll change the messages so that they all hate them instead!

Saint Rose Crusader #2: Why don’t we just skip straight to the part where we make everyone hate them?

Saint Rose Crusader #1: Shut up! Why do you have to ruin everything with common sense?

The evil plan is put into place, and generics start shouting abuse at the Mew Mews.

Berry: No, this is wrong! Power of Love!

Ichigo: Who are you, Flonne?

Mint: Look, the power of love is affecting everyone!

Generics: I feel love for everything!

Saint Rose Crusader Leader: Damn, my pointless and ineffectual plans were completely pointless and ineffectual! Now I see that love is the answer!

The end.

This Week in Anime

\r\nAnyone can make up for small size with a giant wang-shaped desk.\r\n\r\n

“The Apocalypse is coming- I must gather lettuces!”

“Why do you never consider the feelings of these apples and pears?”

“Quick oranges, get into the box- this is an apple-only town!”

“Your apples pass the inspection.”

“They do?”

“Flying apple- go!”

“Such attacks do not faze me.”

“Exquisite.”

“Get that HORSE ready pronto!”

September Anime Awards

The “I pledge my soul to you” award for best anime ever goes to Dennou Coil, which only improves with every passing week.

The golden tanuki award for interesting new characters goes to SaiMono, for successfully introducing two more personalities into an already rather large cast.

The “this show has everything” award goes to first-time award winner Oh! Edo Rocket.

The “I don’t understand it but I like it anyway” award for confusing plot is awarded to Baccano! for the second month in a row.

The “I’m in Despair!” award for lack of subs goes to Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei, although a slow catch-up is beginning.

The Second Monthly Ultimate Boredom Beyond Any Boredom Experienced Before award is given to El Cazador, although Seirei is trying hard to regain the trophy.

The second stylish supernatural horror award goes to Mononoke, which far surpasses its predecessor.

The “it all went downhill” award for inducing a complete lack of caring goes to Darker than Black.

The pointless episode award goes to Shounen Onmyouji episode eighteen for its lack of relevance to the main plot.

OST spotlight: Ghost in the Shell Stand Alone Complex Be Human

Stand Alone Complex is known for its excellent music, but this CD takes a rather unique approach by focusing on so-called “Tachikoma themes”, such as those from Tachikoma Days. As well as a predominance of beeps, dial tones and the like, the CD covers a wide variety of tracks, from pseudo-classical to samba carnival and even a theme that wouldn’t sound out of place as Bleach OP. The result is a somewhat quirky mixed bag that can be rather hit-and-miss, but which will still be a necessary purchase for SAC and Yoko Kanno fans.

Notable tracks: Be Human, Trip City, Rocky wa Dokko?, Spotter

Reverse Harem of the week: Ichigo Momomiya (Tokyo Mew Mew)

Part-time catgirl, café-worker and defender of the Earth, Ichigo nonetheless had the time to accrue a harem worthy of any magical girl.

Harem

Masaya Aoyama: The “main guy”; Ichigo loved him from the start but nonetheless had to go through the usual phases of angst due to hiding her magical girl identity.

Ryou Shirogane: The cool and calm genius; usually rude to Ichigo but nonetheless goes out of his way to protect her.

Blue Knight: A mysterious warrior who appears to save Ichigo- could he be someone close to her?

Kish: One of the invading aliens, a cheeky prankster with a soft spot for Ichigo.

Amusing Search Terms

Old favourites: Romance of the Three Kingdoms Goes Hentai, you toube star wars

danny phantom anime: Aside from the fact that it’s a US cartoon, how did such a search even reach this blog?

fate/stay night review otaku: Only otaku can be trusted to review Fate.

hentai ad libs: Just make it up as you go along- “oh yes!”.

buso renkin censor 25: Ban this filth!

demonic skulls: I prefer Prism and Galaxy Skulls myself.

manga flames: Manga about flames, or people flaming manga?

waiting… for something that might not: …show up in a Google search.

hentai, manga, download, blog, September: Some people want it all.

how many claymore manga are there: One- it’s called Claymore.

grow fruit in “rpg maker xp”: This is going to be one exciting game.

fat anime: I prefer fat cats.

“trick flower” episode: Who knew Harvest Moon flowers had their own episode?

pleasure shadow gay: I am unfamiliar with SHADOW GAY.

ZIPANG MOVIE+OVA: There’s an anime and manga, but no movie and OVA.

Amusing Spam

“Fountains&Gardens…

I do agree with you here, but still you have to try to see it from other angles….”

It’s hard, you know- I just feel so strongly about fountains and gardens.

“7g brindavan colony ringtones information

The information is successfully classified. Reasonable structure of a site.”

If it’s classified, how am I supposed to read it?

“Hello

Such is life.

cialis levitra”

Now this is what spam should be about- simple and direct.

“muscleman…

The normal everyday fellow would might feel that spending the time to acquire information on this matter is a waste of time….”

True, for he probably won’t become a muscleman.

“anime image…

Hi – maybe this site will help get the message out….”

Everyone, spread the word! Anime image!

“There have been many blogs in my mind which allowed you to ponder upon sundry types of thing which you will be at,though not now.I guess such types of blogs should be raised in blog world including this one.”

This guy listens to the blogs in his mind, and they tell him what to do. Just fyi, this comment was for penis enlargement, and somehow got past Spam Karma 2.

“Priscella seem ten time clare level how will she deal.?” From this immortal comment would evolve the idea for Claymore: Blackjack version, in which Clare must face off against Priscilla in a no holds barred game of cards! Claymore Blackjack isn’t like the ordinary game, however, because when you lose, you have to give up a limb! Join Clare as she defeats Yoma with the power of twenty-one, and discover the real reaon why episode twenty-two is called “bust”!

Tips for using Beyblade to take over the world

A few months ago, I got some amusing Beyblade-related search terms, including one about the possibility of Beyblade taking over the world. Since this idea amused me, I decided it was best to put together some tips to help aspiring Beybladers overcome trivialities like political and military might in their bid to dominate the planet.

• You might think that it was best to at least buy as many Beyblades as possible, but doing so is not the right way to approach this- instead, you must buy a single Beyblade and work day and night on upgrading and improving it.
• Next, you must enter various Beyblade tournaments. By vanquishing under-tens in a children’s game, you will gain power and influence vital to your appearance on the world stage.
• Once you have made a name for yourself, you must open an academy to train prospective young Beybladers to become your loyal warriors. Don’t worry about giving them a balanced curriculum- no one will complain if they just Beyblade all day. Even their parents will not lift a finger, no matter how badly you treat their children.
• Once your warriors have won yet more Beyblading tournaments, you will be ready to claim your dominance over the planet. If anyone questions you, respond to their insolence with the force of a few tens of spinning tops.
• Sit back and relax as you enjoy your time in power- or alternately in the mental institution where you have just been taken for rehabilitation.

Camera Perv Redefined

“Hey, camera, I can always confide in you.”

“Humans are nothing- only my beloved camera is worthy.”

“People said it was unhealthy to love a camera this much, but what do they know?”

“Here’s how it goes- you place your Cannons in, and then remove them promptly.”

“Aagh, my Liang is gone!”

Short parody: Wellber so far

Rita goes on the run with Tina.

Tina: We can’t get anywhere with you looking like that.

Rita: Fine- I’ll cut my hair so that no one can recognise me!

Galahad: Wait up! I’m a named character, so you have to let me capture you!

Tina: Galahad, you cannot stand against the combined forces of HORSE and TANK!

Galahad: Aagh, I am defeated- but I will be back next week!

Rita ends up in a red light district, where she accidentally takes a job as a prostitute.

Rita: So we dress up nicely and sit and hold hands with the boys? Doesn’t seem too bad to me.

Mistress: You idiot- you’re supposed to have STRAIGHT with them!

Rita: I hate STRAIGHT- that’s why I stabbed my fiancé and ran off for HARD YURI! I must make a stand for women forced into STRAIGHT!

Prostitute: I wouldn’t bother, since you’re going to be leaving by the end of the episode, and we don’t even have names.

Rita: Good point- farewell.

Galahad pursues the leads to the border but is unable to stop them passing through.

Galahad: Damn it, foiled again! I’ll get you next time!

After everyone is separated in a blizzard, Rita and Galahad end up in a mountain lodge together.

Galahad: I hate you for killing my HARD GAY partner!

Rita: I can explain everything with Flashback Mode! He tried to force me to have STRAIGHT with him!

Galahad: I counter with cheerful flashbacks of our HARD GAY early days together, before he wore glasses!

Rita: Can’t you see- it was the glasses that made him evil!

To be continued…possibly.

This Week in Anime

Why have Cannon when you can have Guncannon?

The newest member of the Apple Affiliates reports in.

“Apple, what should I do?”

A shocking display of DOG is seen in public.

A sturdy HORSE is needed for advanced users.

“You were having HORSE!?”

A wall of generics is used to generate shielding.

“I may be a mere bookstore owner now, but if I sit in a chair and stroke a cat, I too can be a villain someday!”

Cabbages make a defensive formation.

OST spotlight: El Cazador de la Bruja OST 1

Yuki Kajiura’s latest work retains her usual style of lilting melodies, Celtic themes and a few faster paced action pieces, but this time round it just doesn’t have the same impact. It’s not so much that we’ve heard a lot of it before, but that the more original parts aren’t up to the level of Kajiura’s comfort zone tracks. The harmonica led Central American style themes may suit the setting of the series, but it sadly evokes the dry, dusty cactus-filled deserts that dominate this monotonously dull series. Kajiura fans will want it nonetheless, but I just can’t put it in the .hack/Tsubasa/Madlax/Noir bracket.

Notable tracks: Nadie, Hit it and Run!, El Cazador, Forest

Mini-editorial: Eye candy- embarrassing?

In our attempts to make anime seem a more respectable pastime, we may well wax lyrical about the depth and complexity of storytelling and character development, but is it “wrong” to be drawn to it by virtue of its visual appeal? Anime is, after all, a primarily visual medium, and so surely there can be nothing wrong with a healthy admiration for a well designed character, especially if your interests lie towards the artistic.

Naturally, there is a degree of folly in picking anime to watch due to their character designs alone (as well I know), but there seems to be a stigma attached to wholeheartedly appreciating the beautiful artwork and character designs that anime has to offer. To do so is shallow, say its detractors, but when sight is such an important sense to humans, there should be no embarrassment in drinking in a bit of eye candy. Artwork is not the be all and end all, but nor should it be discounted as meaningless.

In Your Reflection

This week, we examine a classical female partnership that has endured over many series- the feisty, loud and hotheaded redhead and her calmer purple haired sidekick, who is either quietly competent, a stuck-up alien princess, or both.

First up we have Excel and Hyatt from Excel Saga- Excel is the impulsive and incompetent leader of the partnership, whilst Hyatt is the quiet, self-effacing alien princess who gets things done in between periodically dying of a terminal illness.

Next up are Kei and Yuri from Dirty Pair Flash- once again, Kei is the impulsive one, whilst Yuri is calmer, a bit stuck up and more interested in dating than work.

The third pair is Éclair and Lumiere from Kiddy Grade in their default bodies- once again, Éclair is the action-orientated one of the pair, whilst Lumiere is the quieter backup.

Fourth up are Lina and Naga from the Slayers OVAs- this time round Lina is the more competent one, but Naga retains the selfish and stuck up attitude.

Finally, we have Najica and Lila from Najica Blitz Tactics- Najica is the confident and in charge one, but as an android Lila is quietly skilled.

Amusing Search Terms

Old favourites: you toube sex

happy and anime: if you’re happy and…er, anime…clap your hands!

rpg maker XP side: Do not underestimate the power of the RPG Maker XP side.

animated manga: Also known as anime.

berserk manga trolls: I wasn’t sure if they were looking for trolls in the Berserk manga, or people who had gone berserk whilst trolling manga sites.

rpg maker xp how to make pets: I want to Summon Bird, a la Star Ocean 2.

teen anime: Anime in that awkward phase.

rpg maker “doctor who”: Again with the Doctor Who RPGs.

pumpkin scissors nhk parodies hentai: I have PS parodies, but no NHK hentai.

Amusing Spam

“Grand-Pianos.org…

Hello ;) Thanks heaps for this!… if anyone else has anything, it would be much appreciated. Great website Super Piano Links”

This week saw the advent of a new and inexplicable type of spam- piano ads.

“Eric…

Googled for something completely different, but found your page…and have to say thanks. nice read….”

Nice work, Eric, keep bringing them in…wait, who the hell is Eric?

“erectile…

Need Viagra? Not anymore after you check this website!…”

This just made me laugh.

“bad breath in cats…

I don”t understand it….”

Poor cats, they need our understanding.

“naruto movie…

I saw this domain for sale, according to the appraisals, its worth over $5000.00 usd. It has just the perfect amount of keywords….”

Good for you.

“œtijned…

As the web continues to mass gay pride websites, we”ll strive to organize them to you….”

and

“try omega 3 fish oil…

As the WWW continues to expand natures bounty omega 3 fish oil capsules guidance, we will strive to organize them to you….”

Gay pride or omega 3 fish oils- take your pick.

Writers’ meeting to discuss Iroha finale

It’s been a few months now, but the ridiculousness of the Iroha finale has caused it to cycle back into the limelight as we try to imagine just what was going through the writers’ heads as they plotted out the last few episodes.

Head Writer: Okay guys, we’ve got to finish up this series about the Lord’s Head- any ideas?

Writer 1: Well, why don’t we stall for time by including cameos of lots of historical characters?

Writer 2: Yeah, that’ll give those history buffs a real kick- seeing their heroes flash on and off screen for about two seconds.

Head Writer: Well, that will stall for time, but we still need to plot a finale.

Writer: Sir, shouldn’t we use the dango before that?

Head Writer: Oh yes, of course.

All the writers sniff some sweet potato dango powder.

Head Writer: Right, I’m starting to see something- a giant final boss castle!

Writer 1: Where does it come from?

Head Writer: Soutetsu summons it- with switches!

Writer 2: Switches?

Head Writer: Yeah- we can’t just have a huge castle appearing out of nowhere- that would be stupid! Instead, he’ll press switches to make it appear!

Writer 2: Okay, but what should happen in the castle?

Writer 1: Boss battles, of course! Soutetsu, Enomoto, Kakunojo…

Head Writer: Not so fast! We don’t really need a fight with Enomoto, so we’ll just have him collapsing on his desk, and as for Kakunojo- well, we’ll let Akidzuki strip her clothes off.

Writer 3: Well, I guess that will work…but what about Soutetsu?

Writer 1: We have to have a boss battle for him, right?

Head Writer: Of course! We’ll have him activate a boss area through switches and then he can fight Akidzuki!

Writer 2: Hey, the dango just gave me a great idea! Why don’t we include some random old men with giant cups?

Writer 1: I see it too! Then they can make a lightning attack that randomly destroys different parts of Japan!

Head Writer: That’s the spirit! Then at the end, the whole thing dissolves into butterflies! It’s the perfect way to get rid of the castle and let everyone live happily ever after.

Writer 1: Sounds good to me. So, is that it?

Head Writer: Yep, that’s a wrap.

Xtreme Harvest Moon: dangerous farming in extreme conditions

Ever found that Harvest Moon is just a bit too mundane and boring for your Extreme Tastes? Want to farm, but need that extra spice to really get the adrenaline flowing? The our new Xtreme series of Harvest Moon games is just what you’ve been searching for! Here are a few examples of what you can expect from this exciting new product line.

• Natural Disaster Mayhem: Every day, there is a high probability that a tidal wave, volcanic eruption, earthquake, heavy snowfall or lightning strike will completely wreck your farm, forcing you to desperately rebuild before the next disaster occurs.
• Washed Away: In this erosion nightmare, your farm is slowly falling into the sea, and you must strive to save your crops and animals each time their fields start slowly slipping away.
• Stampede: Wild animals regularly devastate your farm, forcing you to recruit villagers to shoot them. Dogs can also be raised to savage attacking creatures.
• Political Problems: your farm is in the middle of a war zone! Beware of minefields, air strikes and getting caught in the crossfire.

New Fist of the North Star OVA 3

The generic crowd brush in GIMP was used to create this scene.

“And that, my friends, is how you turn an old curtain into a fully functioning robe!”

“Is this the right way to have Axe?”

2Excuse me whilst I get undressed for HARD GAY.”

“Excellent- and now I shall take you like a man!”

“Oh yeah!”

“Man that feels good!”

“Watching HARD GAY gets me horny!”

“Come on, go a few rounds with me!”

“Don’t you know it’s rude to interrupt other people’s HARD GAY?”

“With abs like these, I can do what I want!”

Short parody: Gundam Seed Destiny

Shinn: Hello, I’m Shinn- I’m the new hero, but I’m upset and angsty because my generic family died.

Athrun: Shut up, Shinn, and let’s make the most of our screen time before Kira shows up.

Shinn: Don’t tell me to shut up! I’m the new hero!

Rey: Shinn, come and service me tonight!

Shinn: Yes, Master.

Rey: I told you to only call me that when we’re alone.

(Rey: I must persuade Shinn that Athrun is evil, lest he leave me for a new partner.)

Shinn: You know, that Athrun guy is pretty hot.

Rey: I don’t know how to break this to you, but Athrun is evil.

Shinn: He is? I hate him!

Lunamaria: Hello, I’m Lunamaria- I’d like to be useful and a good pilot, but I’m a female in a Gundam series, so that can’t happen.

Rey: Stay away from my Shinn, bitch!

Durandal: I must rid the world of anyone less bishie than I. Meer, come and dress up as Lacus for me again.

Heine: I’m Heine- I have no purpose but to tragically die shortly after meeting me!

Athrun: Heine, your HARD GAY was the best! Better than even Miguel! Let’s have a Flashback Mode to remind everyone who Miguel is!

Kira: Everyone, God Mode Kira is here! Bow to my superior skills! Justice! Freedom! Destiny!

(Athrun: Damn, Kira is here to ruin everything again.)

Kira: Special Attack! Bore Viewers With Endless Flashbacks!

The audience is defeated.

This Week in Anime

Alternate futures need alternate fruit.

One is selected for slicing.

“Now, let us bite into it and enjoy its sweetness.”

“Damn, it was bitter! Hated fruit!”

A HARD GAY symbol is outlined against the Moon (Moon!~).

Fruit that doesn’t cooperate is hung out to dry.

Let’s not even ask what this guy is doing.

Monthly Awards

The “I didn’t think it could get better but it did award” for Sheer Brilliance is awarded to Dennou Coil, to be added to its trophy cabinet of plaudits and praise.

The “Back on Track” Award for a Solid Arc Finish goes to Saiunkoku Monogatari, for recovering from its ER phase to give some good character moments.

The Dark Side of Humour for More Unstable Characters than you can shake a stick at goes to Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei, which is still proving darkly funny whenever it gets subbed.

The Mikoto Award for Lots of Cat Shots and Not Much Else goes to the “not bad, but not what it could have been” Darker than Black.

The “I don’t understand it but I like it anyway” award for confusing plot would once have gone to Mushi-Uta, but is now awarded to Baccano!

The Stylishly Supernatural Award for Slow-Paced but Intriguing Stories goes to Mononoke.

The “Finally making sense” award is at long awarded to Mushi-Uta.

The All-New Ultimate Boredom Beyond Any Boredom Experienced Before is shared between Seirei no Moribito and El Cazador, although Romeo X Juliet and selected episodes of Higurashi made a good effort at dullness.

The Mozarella Award for Pure Cheese goes to the laughably ridiculous Koutetsu Sangokushi.

The Mildly Entertaining Award for Middle of the Road series is shared between Doujin Work, Sisters of Wellber and slow-slow Shounen Onmyouji.

The Shameless Repetition Award for Repeating Events goes to Higurashi, for making us sit through slightly different versions of the same events over and over- how’s that for moneymaking?

Anime World Tour: El Cazador de la Bruja

Welcome to Central America as you’ve never seen it before! Ever since Mexico was taken over by the Amigo Taco confederacy, the place has become even more desert-like than ever before, not to mention filled with diners and dull characters of the week! Highlights include an abandoned hot spring, a collapsed mine, an old industrial site, a dilapidated inn and various other ruins! Remember though, touring these sites of interest can be very draining on the stamina, so be sure to stop by Amigo Tacos for a nutritious meal before you go!

This announcement was brought to you by Amigo Tacos- for a taco you can rely on.

OST spotlight: Asatte no Houkou

Mitsumune Shinkichi is often quoted for his work on Rozen Maiden, but he does an equally good job with Asatte no Houkou, offering a soundtrack that blends the light, breezy feel of summer with more poignant and melancholy elements. From skilled piano themes covering a range of emotions, to his trademark wind synths, each track may be short, but overall it builds a quietly magical atmosphere with some memorable highlights.

Notable tracks: Kumikyoku, Hikari no Kisetsu (TV size), Magokoro, Negai Ishi, Gikochinai Fun”iki, Sabishisa, Totsuzen no Wakare, Kokuhaku, Summer Fantasy I

Mini-editorial: Are there titles everyone should see? Are we better off for having seen them?

There seems to be an expectation that once reaches a certain level of anime fanhood, there are elementary titles that one should definitely have seen- such titles including the likes of Akira, Cowboy Bebop, Evangelion and Ghost in the Shell in its various incarnations. Not seeing them is regarded as something of a crime and perhaps even requires a lessening of one’s status- you may have seen four hundred other anime series, but without those core ones, are you truly qualified?

The question is, then- are there certain titles that everyone absolutely must see? Does it really make that much of a difference if you haven’t spent two hours of your life watching a particular movie? Does Evangelion give us an unmatched perspective on all mecha? Does the original Gundam help us see everything as it is, instead of the way our deluded minds wanted to? And, more than that, are these core titles so important by way of quality or message that not to see them would simply be criminal?

Of course, personally I am known for not including the “everyone loves them” series amongst my ultimate favourites, and whilst it can be helpful to use series that “everyone” has seen to get an idea of another fan’s relative tastes and opinions, at the end of the day, there is no anime that is going to appeal to everyone. I can, in principle, recommend the “classics” or my personal favourites, but having watched a particular handful of series or not should not be taken as the be-all and end-all of someone’s “anime fan level”. No one will suffer a grievous loss from not watching Eva or Akira, and indeed, if such things do not even run to their tastes, their time could be better spent elsewhere.

Harem of the week: Manshiro (Mai-Otome manga)

He may have had to dress as a woman, but apparently that just turned some people on.

Harem

Arika: the cheerful bumpkin, liked “innocently” sleeping in the same bed with Manshiro and became his first Otome.

Nina: Manshiro’s second Otome, the intelligent and accomplished one.

Erstin: Third in the year as far as abilities, and first in terms of breasts- Manshiro’s third Otome.

Nao: Enjoying playing in the shower with Manshiro.

Mikoto: “Investigated” Manshiro’s body on the orders of Sergey.

Rivals

Sergey: The villain of the piece; once threatened to castrate Manshiro if he stepped out of line.

Mashiro: The real Mashiro, also villainous.

Amusing Search Terms

romance of the three kingdoms hard gay: Once again, it is indeed.

mai hime manga sex: What manga were you reading?

doujin events for october 2007: Do I look like I even know these things?

sex 23: What is it with the number 23? Is it because Ritsuka’s teacher still has her ears at age 23?

who is antonio in Romeo X Juliet: I laughed at this one.

Amusing Spam

“gay anime…

I”m new to this…”

I wasn’t sure if this one was actually genuine.

“organic toothpaste, natural toothpaste, organic mouthwash, natural mouthwash, organic dental care, natural dental care…

The vital thing to remember is that you will need to be long-suffering….”

Why, are organic dental products especially painful?

“Incest Young Gay Porn…

Sorry, it just sounds like a crazy idea for me :)…”

Then don’t do it.

A guide to anime hair

Anime hair is a strange thing- it completely refuses to obey the normal laws of physics, requiring a whole new set of regulations to be written out for it.\

• Don’t worry about dye- exotic and unlikely colours can and will grow naturally. In fact, in some worlds they are more prevalent than normal hair colours. Bi- or even tri-coloured styles are also possible.
• Hair will only ever grow if the plot demands it; otherwise it just remains in the exact same style indefinitely.
• White or silver hair is not a sign of age, and is in fact desirable if you wish to look evil and mysterious.
• Hair is extremely difficult to damage, to the point where only the most damaging and stressful of situations can have any effect on it.
• When cutting one’s hair, it is imperative to just hack at it with a knife- somehow it will automatically fall into a perfect style.

Starting out in an MMORPG

You’ve just signed up for the latest and greatest MMORPG, and what you want to do now is play, right? Unfortunately for you, the creators have devised a method to ensure that you spend plenty of time and money on the game before you even get to attack your first slime.

• Installing the basic game must take at least 3-5 hours, after which you must download no fewer than three massive update packs. Trying to pause these updates and resume later will usually result in a crash that forces you to start again from the beginning.
• Once you are finally ready to log on, you must create a character from an extensive range of custom classes, as well as choose from a wide range of weapons and armour. For the indecisive, it could take up to three weeks just to settle on all the many customisable options.
• Before actually playing, you must complete a compulsory tutorial field consisting of ten separate missions.

Nodame Cantabile 16

“Are you interested in ‘blowing’ ‘instruments’?”

“This harisen is a representation of my Liang!”

“It has turned many pianists into men.”

“Their first time was painful, but they all thanked me once they had done it.”

“Except for one person, who may have been STRAIGHT.”

Nodame Cantabile 20

The purple roses signify HARD GAY attraction.

“I can’t wait any longer- I need HARD GAY with you!”

“What? Did you just say HARD GAY?”

“Stop teasing me and get your Liang out!”

Short parody: Kaleido Star New Wings

New characters Leon and May arrive.

Leon: Look at my long, lustrous hair- no one is as bishie as me. Sora, you may have completed the Legendary Great Manoeuvre, but you are nothing compared to me- get off the stage.

May: I just got here, but I’m already better than you, Sora! I’m going to be the next star!

Sora: Wait a minute- I’m the main character!

Fool: I’m sorry, but it is time for your angst arc.

Sora and May compete against each other.

Sora: It’s no good- even after proving myself a true star last year, I’m still not a true star!

Leon: Last year you got through on main character destiny alone, but when it comes to basic strength, you are still lacking. Since everyone else here is generic or a supporting character, I shall choose May to be my partner instead.

May: Yay, I’m on stage!

Leon: Oh, by the way, I’m a complete jerk who likes to mess with my partner by randomly dropping her.

Leon drops May, causing both her and Sora not to trust him.

Layla: Hello, I’m randomly back to dispense advice. Sora, even though Leon is a complete jerk, it’s somehow your fault.

Leon and May go to the Circus Festival. Sora decides to see if she can go with Yuri.

Yuri: I know I was evil last season, but that’s water under the bridge- now I’m your friend again.

Sora: Wait, this is only the season halfway point- I can’t win just yet. Instead I must forfeit the competition and enter an angst arc.

Sora goes back to Japan for some angst, before realising her place is on the stage.

Sora: I always thought my place was on the stage, but now I know my place is most certainly on the stage! Not just any stage, though, but a happy fun one full of sunshine and laughter.

Sora returns to Kaleido Stage, but her contract has been terminated.

Sora: It’s okay- I’ll do odd jobs for free! Who cars about living expenses?

Kalos: Fine- it’s just until the plot lets me hire you again, anyway.

Leon: I never respected you before, Sora, but now I see that you may be destined partner after all!

May: Hey, what about me?

Leon: Who are you again?

Leon and Sora start practising for this season’s ultimate move- the Angel’s Manoeuvre.

Fool: If you master this, you will be a True Star!

Sora: What about the Legendary Great Manoeuvre?

Fool: What’s that?

After much training, the Angel’s Manoeuvre is ready, but Layla and Yuri appear to challenge Sora and Leon.

Layla: I know I quit the stage ages ago, but I have randomly returned to challenge you, Sora!

The challenge begins.

Mia: It’s no good- Layla may have years more training, but she lacks Main Character Destiny.

Layla: Sora, you have surpassed me, as a main character should. Now I can retire- again.

This Week in Anime

HORSE is ready and waiting for anyone who wants it.

Clare gets a taste of giant apple.

Red apples are smaller, but by travelling in groups they can hold their own against their giant green cousins.

All sorts of fruits have taken to using this group tactic in order to defend against Big Green.

This is how to conclusively deal with an apple.

June Anime Awards

The Finally Finished Award for Completed Subbing goes to Aria the Natural for coming to an end almost nine months after the series finished airing- at least it was well worth the wait.

The Better than 1337 Award for Consistent Excellence is shared between Darker than Black, Dennou Coil and Emma II.

The Mediocre Looks Good Compared to this Award goes to El Cazador de la Bruja, which might have started improving over the last couple of weeks, but can be said to be exhibiting much in the way of quality.

The Gender Bender Award for Blatant HARD GAY Cross Dressing goes to Koutetstu Sangokushi for its characters of relaxed and undefined gender (what is Liu Bei? Is it a man or a woman?).

The Sumptuous Setting Award for Superior Architecture goes tro Romeo X Juliet, which boasts a nice setting even as we grieve over the loss of HORSE.

The Mustn’t Catch Up Award for Slowing the Pace goes to Saiunkoku Monogatari, as the anime puts on the brakes to prevent itself from catching up with the novels.

The I’ll Read the Manga Instead Award for Losing All Momentum goes to Claymore, now on hiatus after the dull episode eleven as I switch to the manga.

The Where’s The Plot Award for Stagnation goes to Seirei no Moribito, now mired in filler at this early stage.

Anime World Tour: Hunter X Hunter

Welcome to the weird and wonderful world of HxH, a place of bizarre creatures and powerful warriors. To get the most out of this world, learn to control the life energy known as Nen and become a Hunter by passing the yearly exam (details vary each year, so don’t expect any tips). Your Hunter license will earn you access to most places in the world, enabling you to dominate the Celestial Arena battle tower, or test your skills on real life “video game”Greed Island. Be warned, though, the world is currently under threat from the deadly Chimera Ants, so caution is advised when visiting.

OST Spotlight: Final Fantasy VII

Although this is styled along the same lines as the FF6 OST, the move to Playstation sees the music taken to the next level with some slightly more complex themes. As is often the case, the energetic battle music and poignant slower themes are the most memorable, whilst the military style tracks are the weakest. It’s somewhat rough around the edges, and can’t really match up to the later FF OSTs, but amidst some of the more pedestrian looping themes, a rare gem emerges. You’ll probably want to pick and choose your favourites instead of listening to the whole thing over and over.

Notable tracks: Prelude, Fighting, Flowers Blooming in the Church, Still More Fighting, Electric de Chocobo, J-E-N-O-V-A, Aeris’ theme, Jenova Absolute

Mini-rant: Damn you, Manga Entertainment

I rarely buy UK Region 2 DVDs anymore, but I do rent them regularly, and so it is that I must rant about the annoying defects in quality on DVDs released by Manga Entertainment- a company who promised to put in quality control in 2006 as if it was some new and innovative concept, but who actually showed no improvement even after that point.

For those who prefer dubs, Manga will not seem too bad, but switch to the subtitles, and problems begin to crop up. For starters, on-screen text is rarely translated, meaning that important plot points may well be left incomprehensible to the vast majority of viewers. What subtitles are proved are all too often riddled with errors such as inconsistent naming, whilst the now-infamous fifth volume of GITS: SAC has the text encased in irritating black bars- an error that was not even fixed in the thinpak release as promised.

Such annoyances may seem small, and indeed there are bigger things to worry about in the world, but after watching several Manga Ent. DVDs in a row, their lax approach to subtitle quality can become hard to ignore. Is it no wonder that people continue to import?

In Your Reflection

This week we take a look at two similar villains- Cell from Dragonball Z, and King from the Chimera Ant arc of Hunter X Hunter. Aside from their physical similarities, both are designed to be superior beings effectively completed from “lesser” allies (Cell needed to absorb two androids, King was born from Queen), who the heroes must eventually fight.

Fashion Police: Kharg

Last week his brother came under fire, but this time around we look at Arc: Twilight of the Spirits’Kharg, who may have gotten away with a more human appearance, but who has little in the way of dress sense. The arm guards and boots may be more dull than offensive, but choice of colours in the tunic leaves little to be desired, and the less said about those hideous shorts, the better. Why must heroes insist on wearing these schoolboy length shorts?

Fashion sense: E

Amusing Search Terms

Old favourites: rumble roses doujinshi, hard yaoi, you toube, your toube

azureflame romance: tj han is looking for romance among the female bloggers again.

common puny owl archer “phantom brave”: Make up your mind, although I commend you for playing Phantom Brave.

hard gay costume: Take your pick, but make sure it unbuttons at the rear.

.Hack G.U. hentai: Again?

how to start a diary farm: A diary about the farm, or a farm where one grows diaries?

Removing a bikini: shouldn’t be too hard if you’re the one wearing it, otherwise I can’t guarantee your safety.

yugi meto: Yugi Mutou perhaps?

were to by beyblade: u mite want 2 trie a shoppe.

anime episodes- blindfold: I don’t know if there’s much point watching anime blindfolded, although it would improve certain series.

h scenes utawarerumono walkthrough: Everyone wants those H-scenes, you perverts.

Ginga densetsu weed gay: Now, now, that was one parody where I didn’t even mentione HARD GAY.

shishi dog tattoo: My secret career as a tattoo artist continues.

anime blog maker: A brand new technology, Anime Blog Maker enables you to put in a few keywords and generate a complete anime blog with minimal effort! Throw out Wordpress and install it today!

Initiation Harem: Someone wants some harem action.

ginga densetsu weed party stuff: Hey, want to come to my Weed themed party? We’re all going to dress as brown dogs.

old romance games where girls are the bo: If only Wordpress recorded the complete sentence.

“pipe fox” plushie: How cute.

meaning of cat soup: Cat Soup only has meaning when one is taking mind-altering substances.

anime with magical violin: That’ll be La Corda d’Oro then, unless there are more magical violins out there.

gay-and-horse: HARD GAY and HORSE- every man’s ideal combination.

spells to repel evil: Evil begone!

dragon ball z hard yaoi: Someone’s really into this.

best beyblades spinning tops: Let’s Beyblade!

There’s something to be said for cheat saving using an emulator, and that is that it makes games a lot easier for lazy people like me. With it, the Cave of Trials in Star Ocean 2 becomes infinitely less painful, whilst in Harvest Moon hurricanes and blizzards can be avoided without having to replay an entire day.

Harvest Moon: Fusion

Can’t get enough of Harvest Moon? Ever wished that Grandpa Anton could lend some of his massive wealth to the up and coming young Anton to help him on his way? Ever wanted your Forget-Me-Not Valley Anton to be able to take a day trip to Mineral Town and see where it all began? Well, now you can, with Harvest Moon: Fusion! When the game begins, you play as the very first Anton from the SNES version of Harvest, but as time goes on, the game evolves into the later versions, unlocking new areas and more modern farming techniques. In time, you can even commission a time machine to be built for your house, which will enable you to go back and help Grandpa on his farm, or summon him to come forward and hand over that spare Corn Kai’s been bugging you for.

The Wandering Fansubber
His name is unknown, his purpose semi-pointless…he is the Wandering Fansubber. Traversing through the land of raw anime and manga, he will suddenly pick up something that is to his taste and translate it, completely out of order with what has been done so far. From later chapters of Mushishi to recent episodes of Gintama, he will tackle them all- but no one knows where he comes from or why he does it. His glimpses into the future of such series are interesting, but just as he whets the appetite, he vanishes into the mists, leaving others to catch up and fill in the gaps.

GetBackers Pick ‘N’ Mix Part Two

“Looks like Shidou has been ensnared by a woman.”

“He won’t be able to get much HARD GAY from now on.”

“I’m going to have STRAIGHT?”

“Yep, that’s right.”

“Well, I guess there’s no choice.”

“That Liang is so Zhuge!”

“Weren’t you guys having MONKEY?”

Back to the nurses, and both Ban and Shidou are having some rough HARD GAY at their hands.

“We need more HARD GAY!”

“With cross-dressers like these, the quality of the HARD GAY is payment in itself.”

One nurse isn’t as good at disguising himself or his intentions as the others are.

Short parody: Good Witch revisited

Firiel: I love you, Roux!

Roux: You are useless, Firiel. Now get out so that I can have HARD GAY with someone.

Firiel: But I’m the main character, and destined to be queen some day!

Adale: Actually, you’re fairly irrelevant in this whole succession thing- it’s between Leandra and me. When I win, I hope to write many books and sit here doing nothing.

Leandra: No, I must win! With my beautiful dress and love of HARD YURI, I’m a shoe-in.

Riez: Gwakaka, I am evil, for I shall clutch a book and turn green! Oh wait, that never actually happens. Well, never mind, for I am evil!

Firiel: You know, you might want to rethink your position.

Riez: Oh no, I have been defeated!

The party proceeds to the tower.

King: Fear me, for I am the king!

Roux: This country has a king?

King: Well, I, er, don’t get out much. I should also mention that I am such a low-profile king that I even lead a secret organisation that opposes the crown.

Roux: Look, a frog!

Roux throws a frog at the king.

King: Oh no, a frog! I am defeated!

Everyone moves ahead to meet the queen.

Firiel: Wow, there’s actually a queen. I wondered who was ruling the country.

Queen: This country has gone to ruin because it needs a strong ruler, but I’m only the queen, so what can I do?

Firiel: It’s not too late! You can still make a difference.

Queen: Oh, so I can. Thank you, young Firiel, for you have shown me the light.

Earthquakes etc begin outside as the Mahiru Star starts causing the end of the world. Bard appears.

Bard: I know it’s the end of the series, but please give humanity another chance!

The end of the world is immediately averted.

Monthly Awards

Anime of the Month: Without any ‘instant classics’ to call upon this month, the award falls to Akagi, a surprisingly enjoyable series that finally made it out of the backlog and onto the watched list.

Manga of the Month: The award must be shared this month, between Hikaru no Go, which proves equally addictive on reread, and X/1999, which is finally on catch-up.

Fruit Spotted!: Apples show up in Ceres and Busou Renkin, whilst Argento Soma continues the trend of being a front line advertisement for fruit (back in those days product placement was healthier).

Mushroom Spotted: A poisonous mushroom is seen in Iroha- could it be the sort that Sunrise use for their special trips?

Special- Autumn Season Awards

With most Autumn 2006 series now having finished or being on the verge of conclusion, the time has come to hand out a few awards.

• The “No More Crotch Shots” Award for Most Manservice goes to Busou Renkin. It could have won the award by virtue of Papillon’s mankini alone, but it also chose to let the other male protagonists in on the act with their size comparisons and urinal scenes.
• The “Is It Over Yet?” Award for Most Boring Series goes to Red Garden, although arguably other series were more boring as they were dropped long ago.
• The “7.5/10” Award for Series that Didn’t Quite Make Pick of the Year goes to Bakumatsu Kikansetsu Irohanihoheto for starting out incomprehensible, evolving into absorbingly atmospheric, and then declining in its latter half.
• The “What Happens Next” Award for Most Painfully Predictable Series would go to Les Miserables if it was eligible, but instead is handed to La Corda d’Oro, which I once liked but soon came to change my mind about.
• The “Everyone Else Liked it but I didn’t” Award for Most Hyped Series is shared between Death Note and Kanon.
• The “What is that?” Award for a Practically Unheard of series goes to Shounen Onmyouji, although it has gained a little recognition after being licensed.

HARD GAY corner: Gankutsuou
Edmond Dantes once enjoyed a life of BI with his friend Mondego and fiancé Mercedes, but when Mondego became jealous of the size of Edmond’s Zhuge Liang, he teamed up with two other small men, Villefort and Danglars, to have Edmond imprisoned.

Years later, and Mondego (now Morcerf) and his cohorts have become successful men of STRAIGHT, their HARD GAY past now put behind them. Nonetheless, HARD GAY remains popular with the younger generation, with even Morcerf’s son Albert sharing a ‘special bond’ with his best friend Franz d’Epinay. As per custom, both have fiancées in attempt to disguise their HARD GAY leanings, but their inner circle of friends is well aware of the truth.

Meanwhile, in prison, Dantes has learned the secrets of advanced HARD GAY from a being known as Gankutsuou, and in time he escapes, intent on revenge. Returning to Paris as the unrecognisable Count of Monte Cristo, he soon strikes up a friendship with Albert, wowing the young man with his incredible HARD GAY. Even as Albert falls for the Count, however, he has no idea that Dantes is less focused on him than he is on exposing the HARD GAY that festers beneath the STRAIGHT façade of Parisian society…

OST Spotlight : Xenosaga I
Marking a change from Yasunori Mitsuda’s usual heavily Celtic themes, Xenosaga retains the essence of his style whilst producing something more grandiose and sweeping- worthy of the space epic that this first game promised to us. Admittedly, the first couple of times I listened to this I did not it find it particularly worthy, but over time it has begun to grow on me, capturing as it does a range of emotions from quiet reflection and the eeriness of the unknown to intense clashes against the majestic backdrop of space.

Notable tracks: Prologue, Battle, Rising Emotions, Battling KOS-MOS, Life or Death, Breaking Spaceship Pursuit, Durandal, Invasion Inside and Enemy Ship, Warmth, Insecurity, Beach of Nothingness, Panic, Omega, Last Battle

Mini-rant: How can you have an objective review?
Well, I was initially going to write about that whole KeyAni drama that flared up last week, but after a moment’s thought I realised that a) this post sums my thoughts up nicely and b) I don’t really give a damn about a flame war that effectively revolves around three KyoAni series I don’t like much anyway.

Anyway, to get back on track, this week I discuss another pet peeve of reviewing- namely, the idea that some people seem to have that reviews should be objective. This is an idea I’ve seen a few reviewers discuss on forums or elsewhere, but what exactly does it mean? I can understand a reviewer perhaps not wanting their dislike of a particular genre from stopping them giving an individual series a fair chance, but even so, an ‘objective review’ is a particularly paradoxical idea- after all, a review, is in essence an opinion, and provided you can justify that opinion, surely that is all that is needed? Why attempt to write from a viewpoint other than the only one you can reliably depend on to know accurately?

That is all I really wanted to say this time around, but next week I promise to stop ranting about reviewers for long enough to talk about something else.

Harem of the Week: Akito Tenkawa (Martian Successor Nadesico)
He just wanted to be a cook, but he reckoned without the circumstances that would not only make him an Aestivalis pilot, but ensure that numerous women would be after him.

Harem

Yurika Misumaru: Captain of the Nadesico, and a childhood friend of Akito, she is the lead girl in the harem.

Megumi Reinard: The other woman, Megumi may seem quiet and sweet, but she pursues Akito with incredible ferocity, continually butting heads with the captain.

Ryoko Subaru: The tsundere, Ryoko acts like a tomboy most of the time, but her feelings for Akito grow more apparent as time goes on.

Haruka Minato (manga only): In the manga, Haruka becomes Akito’s girlfriend after he is blinded, although she is not always impressed with his attitude.

Kaguya Onkirimaru (manga only): In the manga, she is the other woman in a Yurika-Kaguya-Akito love triangle, having grown up with the pair of them on Mars and competed for Akito’s affections.

Inez Fressange: She has a soft spot for Akito due to a shared event in their past.

Ruri Hoshino: The genius loli, she only seems able to act more human around Akito, although he is more of a big brother than a love interest.

Rivals

Jun Aoi: Remains steadfastly in love with Yurika despite the fact that she thinks of him only as a friend.

Akatsuki Nagare: Annoyed at Akito’s success with the ladies, he constantly threatens to start dating Yurika.

Fashion police: Ueki

The spokesperson for all male characters with boring uniforms, Ueki takes things to a new level of dull with his standard white shirt and black trousers- there’s not even a hint of originality in his footwear or undershirt. Even his hair is the trademark shounen short and spiky, although at least it is green, which makes a change.

Fashion sense: N/A- it’s too dull to even grade.

Amusing Search Terms

Old favourites: lolicon (50+ searches per day), you toube, Bouncing Breasts, audition hack, large boobs, you toube sex

rpg maker making flame: Here’s how to do it- work on RPG Maker for long enough to become so annoyed and frustrated that you want to set fire to things.

Harvest Moon how do I make noodles: Actually this is a perfect valid thing to want to know, but it just amused me.

anime hair: I don’t know if they still sell it, but there was a “manga hair gel” on the market a couple of years back. Style your hair like Yugi Mutou from Yu-Gi-Oh!

anime + blog + “her control”: Yes, this blog is under my control.

mai-hime 4 tentacle: Four tentacles? Some people are just greedy.

rmxp yugioh resources: Try ripping the sprites from the GBA game.

Fate Stay Night threesome: Last week I wondered if the searcher wanted Rin or Saber, but I guess the answer was both.

“busou renkin hentai”: There’s really no hope for people who want to see Papillon’s Zhuge Liang.

Release Mai Otome zwei episode 3: It’s not up to me.

chevalier, etiquette: The first rule of being a chevalier is to always have HARD GAY with your comrades.

code geass keroro: Interesting crossover idea.

Maria-sama ga miteru summer: Wouldn’t it be great if this was the sequel to MariMite Spring?

otome complex: “Help me, I’m in love with Shizuru!”

haseo has a harem: I prefer to think of them more as casual lovers.

the moon diary from 2 march 2007: Moon~

manga smile: Smile for the cameras.

romance of 3 kingdom sprite: What am I, Spriteland?

DBZ 2007 episodes: None.

reika mode: Entering Reika Mode- bad luck on.

masahiro means: Main character of Shounen Onmyouji

Wool from hack: You can now hack into people’s wardrobes and steal their woollen garments. Beware, owners of knitted jumpers.

what did the moon look like on March 23r: Look, I’m not a phases of the moon blog, although on second thought that would be an easy blog to run.

buy order moe kare: Not here, but feel free to send me money anyway.

“RPG Maker XP” rin: Which Rin? I’m thinking Tohsaka but there are so many.

kanon mai threesome: Ah, someone else is looking for a threesome.

student character of rpgmakerxp: I am a student of RPG Maker XP.

“out of sequence”: Better get back in sequence.

stratos 4 doujin: Not again.

shounen onmyouji nudity: Mokkun is naked, I tell you! He has no clothes on!

gay anime: Take your pick.

anime i’ll go gay for you! hard gay!: Isn’t this a Dokuro-chan quote?

strangling her anime episode: It’s not nice to strangle other people’s anime episodes.

]]> http://azureflame.dasaku.net/2007/03/27/tuesday-rumble-march-27th/feed/ 2 http://azureflame.dasaku.net/2007/03/20/tuesday-rumble-march-20th/ http://azureflame.dasaku.net/2007/03/20/tuesday-rumble-march-20th/#comments Tue, 20 Mar 2007 12:00:16 +0000 Karura http://azureflame.ikimashou.net/?p=127 Spoiler Alert! Harvest Moon O gives away the ending of Big O, and it shouldn’t take a genius to realise the Chevalier Death Awards are going to be intensely spoilerific.

I’ve been reading Viz’s release of the Hikaru no Go manga, and although I’m opposed to edits in general, the ones here are amusing by virtue of their half-heartedness. For example, in the scene where Kaga stubs out his cigarette on a Go board, they can’t seem to decide if it’s okay for it to be a cigarette or whether he “put out his gum” (you can smoke chewing gum now?). On another occasion, his cigarette is changed to a firecracker he just happened to be setting off for no reason, but the teacher calls him a “gum chewing brat”, whilst still other scenes of smokers are left as they are. So, are cigarettes evil, or is it firecrackers and gum that are leading our kids down the wrong path? You decide, for Viz cannot.

Harvest Moon O
Farming has been the duty of the Anton line ever since the original Grandpa Anton left his farm to his grandson, but how is that multiple generations of Antons can live in the same town and interact with the same group of people? The answer lies in Harvest Moon O- like Paradigm City of Big O, Mineral Town, Fogert-Me-Not Valley and Flowerbud Valley are all effectively stages on which similar events play out over and over again. Each time a new Anton (or Antonia) agrees to farm, the town is reset and he is forced to remain within its confines until he has built a successful farm, married and had a child. Upon his death, the town resets again, but since the system is constantly updating and refining, the reset town is usually a little bit more advanced, with the eventual goal being to breed the ultimate farmer who can handle the highest level of farming simulation. So, if you’ve ever wondered what that eternally locked shed on the farm in A Wonderful Life is for, the answer is here- it is the control room for the town simulation.

The Chevalier Death Awards

• The Getting In Early Award for Dying Before the Series Even Began: Whilst Belle was already in skull form by the time we met her, the winner can only be Lia, whose death provided the impetus for the entire series even as her spirit borrowed d’Eon’s body.
• The “My Contract Ran Out” Award for Dying From Non-Serious Wounds: The prize goes to Robespierre, who didn’t really seem to be that seriously wounded from being stabbed by Broglie, but bade farewell to his comrades and departed for the next world anyway. Amazingly enough, Robespierre had already come through an earlier death without too much trouble.
• The Gargoyle Award for Dying After Becoming a Grey Monster: Although early casualty Bernice is a runner-up in this department, he cannot match up to the agonising end experienced by poor Durand.
• The “I’m not Dead Yet” Award for Comically Villainous End: Saint-Germain is the winner here for somehow turning into a Gargoyle, digging his way out of a ton of rubble, and appearing in the final episode for no real reason.
• The “Why Did I Sleep With Broglie?” Award for Dying from a Disfiguring Condition: Louis XV wins here after ill-advisedly having HARD GAY with Broglie opening the BOOK.
• The “My Lovers Betrayed Me” Award for Being Killed by Gargoyles: Gargoyle attacks were common in the early episodes, but only Empress Elizabeth suffered fatally for sitting down to dinner with some suspiciously grey men.
• The “I Bribed the Director” Award for Dying Many Episodes After Everyone Thought He Would: This award can only go to Voronzoff, who managed to stay alive far often than his mid-boss role would have indicated.
• The Death in Dignity Award for Taking Poison: Unlike the gory deaths of many of the other characters, Marie was able to enjoy a quieter end after sipping the poisoned wine prepared by Louis.
• The Farewell Limbs Award for Being an Early Enemy of the Week: A prize that can only go to Caron, a man who existed merely to be an opponent of the week and consequently get killed by Lia.
• The “I Took the Head out of Whitehead” Award for Explosively Losing One’s Head: Unsurprisingly, Paul Whitehead wins this award after Robespierre causes his head to explode.
• The “Come and Get Me, Then” Award for Standing Around and Waiting to Be Killed: Anna walks away with the prize (or would if she were alive) after standing motionless whilst Louis slowly walked towards her and ended her life.
• The “It Can Take Up to Fifteen Minutes to Die” Award for Getting Hanged: Despite his generally dislikeable nature, who couldn’t feel a pang of sorrow for poor Peter as he was tearfully led away to face the hangman’s noose.
• The “Save the Last Dance for Me” Award for Taking a Bullet for One’s Master: Teillagory lost his life in a bizarre waltz as he threw himself in the path of a bullet meant for Orleans.
• The Guillotine Award for Falling to the Classic French Execution Method: Robin-Robespierre met his end at the blade of the guillotine, just as history dictated.
• The “Where’s the Anti-Aging Cream?” Award For Dying After Becoming Amazing Wrinkled Within the Space of One Episode: After sparring with Robespierre in a Book vs. Cane duel, Dashwood seemed to have the upper hand, but he couldn’t contend with rapid aging and the Hellscape spell.
• The “It Was My Time” Award for Dying in an Uninteresting Way Compared to Everyone Else: An award created for Pompadour, who was killed by Robespierre in a decidedly non-flashy fashion.

GetBackers Pick ‘N’ Mix Part One

“My hard drive has corrupted, and all my porn is lost!”

“Ah, I remember when little Makubex first found that adult website.”

HARD GAY comes at a price.

“Call that a Zhuge Liang? It’s barely a Liang!”

Ban promises to pleasure the latest client all by himself.

“You aren’t very well-endowed, are you?”

“I hope you don’t mind having HARD GAY in here, but we don’t want other people to know we’re really men in disguise.”

“So, what sort of HARD GAY do you want?”

“Technically, we shouldn’t even be asking for it from you, but…”

“With our work schedule, we don’t have much choice other than to ask you.”

“Yes, that’s what my lovers nickname me.”

Short parody: Fushigi Yuugi

(Miaka: I love Tamahome, but I don’t deserve to be with him, so I’ll just run away and try to solve everything on my own, thus making everyone worry and probably getting caught in the process.)

Miaka is caught the instant she steps away from her Celestial Warriors.

Nakago: Gwakaka, your warriors are no match for me! Not even Tamahome can match my bishie good looks!

Yui: I hate you, Miaka, because not only did you fail to teleport over and save me from some generic men, but you dared to take Tamahome away from me!

Miaka: How can you have feelings for Tamahome? You barely know him!

Yui: I could ask the same of you.

Miaka: Ah, touché.

The Celestial Warriors arrive to rescue Miaka. Tamahome challenges Nakago.

Nakago: Foolish boy, you are no match for me!

Tamahome: Think again, Nakago! Not only is Chichiri’s magic somehow protecting me, but I have Miaka’s love and the power of love on my side!

Nakago: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Miaka is rescued.

Tamahome: I love you, Miaka.

Miaka: I’m sorry, but I don’t love you.

(Miaka: If I admit to our love, something will go wrong, so I’ll just make him miserable.)

(Tamahome: Oh no! I had better go and angst now)

Miaka: I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it- I really do love you.

Tamahome: Well, now I’m not so sure we should get together.

(Miaka: He doesn’t love me after all! I must angst.)

Tamahome: Sorry, I was being a jerk just then. I love you, Miaka.

Miaka: Tamahome!

Tamahome: Miaka!

Miaka: Tamahome!

Tamahome: Miaka!

Hotohori: I love you too, Miaka, but since I don’t have a chance with you, I’ll just marry this random woman whilst you leave me behind in part two of the series..

Nuriko: I love you, Hotohori, but since I can’t decide whether I’m HARD GAY, BI or STRAIGHT, I also love Miaka.

Chichiri: I’m not bishie enough to be a love interest, although I was quite good looking in flashback.

Tasuki: I’m HARD GAY for Koji, but I also secretly wish to turn BI and take Miaka for my own.

Mitsukake: I have a tragic doomed love backstory, but am too generic to have much additional development.

Chiriko: I’m too young to have a personality!

On the Seiryu side…

Yui: I love you, Tamahome!

Nakago: I shall pretend to love you, Yui, whilst jumping into bed with Soi to replenish my ‘mana’.

Soi: I love you, Nakago.

Tomo: I love you, Nakago!

Amiboshi: I love you, Miaka!

Suboshi: I love you, Yui, although I am also HARD GAY for my twin brother!

Miboshi: I am just generic and evil.

Ashitare: Grrr.

The history of fruit in anime
Apples may be the world leaders in animated fruit, but even as they try to solidify their power base, other fruits are seeking to dislodge them from the top spot. Whilst bananas use their suggestive nature (Sakura Diaries) to gain power, lemons rely on their bitterness (Red Garden, Nodame Cantabile) and others like oranges (Argento Soma) and grapes (SaiMono) merely wait quietly in the background. Are any of them a match for the mighty apple?

Random trivia: In order to get the same ‘goodness’ and nutritional value as you would have by eating one orange and one tomato fifty or so years ago, you must consume six modern oranges and ten modern tomatoes. Eat up.

HARD YURI corner: Mai-Otome
At Garderobe Academy, young women who wish to forget about men and become full-fledges students of HARD YURI are invited to come and study under the most HARD YURI couple on the planet- Natsuki and Shizuru. Girls are accepted after demonstrating their ability to satisfy their teachers and upperclasswomen (Chie is especially demanding, but pity the girl who gets Maria), and progress through the school by providing extraordinary service in the bedroom.

Unfortunately, all is not well in Otome world, for men such as Sergey Wang have been tasked with subverting girls from the path of HARD YURI, and turning them STRAIGHT with the help of their Zhuge Liangs. Can the likes of Arika and Nina discover the HARD YURI joys of a bath scene with Erstin, or will Sergey win them over with his mighty Wang?

OST Spotlight: Kurau Phantom Memory OST2: Crimson
Whilst it can be hardly denied that the second Kurau OST contains some remix, the quality does not suffer for it. There are times when the slower themes run the risk of blending into the background, but give them your full attention and the quality of composition really begins to stand out, ensuring that this is another blend of beautiful and haunting music that stands proudly alongside the first OST.

Notable tracks: The Power, Moonlight ~Essence~, Tomorrow’s Treasures, Drag Racer, Daily Life ~Heartfelt~, Moonlight ~Farewell~

Mini-rant: Does it really always have to have a deeper meaning?
I don’t know about you, but I still have memories of the English lessons of my school days, and one thing I recall is how, when analysing poetry, I couldn’t help wondering if we were just pulling stuff out of our backsides reading things into it that the original writer had never once intended to convey. Similarly, when it comes to anime, some reviewers seem to think it appropriate to try to over-analyse and ascribe so-called ‘social commentary’ to almost every series they watch. Is such a practice really necessary? Is it their way of justifying the fact that they watch anime to family members and ‘outsiders’ who would otherwise think they were wasting their lives in front of ‘cartoons’?

Whatever the case, whilst there are a handful of series that touch on current events (such as the terrorist situation in 2^nd Gig) or perhaps have something deeper to say about society, this certainly can’t be said about the vast majority of anime- and ultimately, what is wrong with that? Anime is marketed as a form of entertainment, and therefore, if anything, it should act as a bit of escapism. Is S-Cry-ed a tale of shifting political tides between a powerful mainland and an island struggling to forge its own identity, or just an excuse for men with special powers to beat each other up? Is Elfen Lied a harrowing tale of the mistreatment of children, or a gore-fest punctuated with fanservice and harem elements? Is Gantz a scathing commentary on the state of contemporary society, or a young man’s fantasy world of big guns and big breasts? Even if the answers lie somewhere in between, we should take care not to aggrandise the motives of a series to the extent that we make it something it was never meant to be. So just sit back, relax, and accept that while anime can indeed be very good, it isn’t really meant to be high art. And if you still want social commentary, why not try a topical news show instead?

In Your Reflection

This week we have a three-way comparison between three pale-haired girls who aren’t quite what they seem- Aquarion’s Rena, Mai-HiME’s Mashiro and Karin’s Anju. Whilst Rena is wheelchair-bound with occasional vampiric tendencies, Mashiro is wheelchair-bound and possessed of her own secrets, and Anju, whilst more mobile (at least at night), is a vampire

Fashion police: Ender

We return to .hack//Roots for a second time to pick on Ender, a villainess with a predilection for showing off more flesh than we ever needed to see. As well as making a rather dull choice of darker colours for her entire costume, Ender’s asymmetrical outfit leaves us to choose between bad and worse- bad being the bizarrely shaped armour and metal thong, and worse being the lack of effort put into her exposed right hand side. Fortunately for us all, she soon switches to using another player character, even if that is ManPai.

Fashion sense: D-

Amusing Search Terms

The old favourites: lolicon, you toube, bouncing breasts

moe kare scanlation: I don’t even know what this is.

“knight of justice”: that’s me- oh wait, it isn’t.

Under Flame manga: Ah yes, that well known manga.

anime love: Love in anime, or love of anime?

Pr0N TOUBE 15: There were 14 others?

Yu-Gi-Oh!: The Night Before: ‘Twas the night before Yu-Gi-Oh, and all through the house, not a card gamer was playing, not even Yugi Mutou…oh, you get the idea.

hack harvestmoon: Stop trying to hack it- unless of course you have a cheat to switch off those damned hurricanes and blizzards.

watch shows of dragonball z: Are you sure you want to?

harvest moon wonderful life otaku: Can you actually be a Harvest Moon otaku? Do you have to dress like an Anton every day and tend to imaginary animals?

noir we had to let you have it

carol vorderman my q: Ah yes, I am the prime internet source for Carol Vorderman.

gay dragonball z: Did you see how Goku was looking at Vegeta? They’ll be comparing their “Super Saiyan muscles” in the bedroom tonight, I’ll wager.

what was the phases of the moon on march: Moon~!

fate stay night visual novel screens: You naughty boy, you want to look at Rin naked, don’t you? Or is it Saber that floats your boat?

diary multi year: Azure Flame will soon be releasing custom multi-year diaries for its users. These diaries are special in that they are invisible and use no materials to create.

large anime doll makers: The thought of a giant Kanaria in my home scares me.

stratos 4 doujinshi: I’ll only make a doujin if it stars the Admiral, and she’s a bit too fat to fit into a manga panel.

chokotto sister nudity: Just download any chapter, really.

.hack//roots tabby -nude -naked –profani: “Quick, let’s look up as many rude things as possible before Mum and Dad get back!”

Spoiler Alert: Don’t read HARD GAY corner if you want to keep your knowledge of Gungrave a blank slate.

It’s been well over half a year since Tuesday Rumble first began, and to my surprise, it has not only survived all this time, but has even managed to evolve far beyond my initial expectations (and there are still new features in progress that I have yet to reveal). Unfortunately, in its own way, TR is starting to take over- one article can sometimes be as long as a full blog post.

Fat Cats and Pizza Hut

Ever wondered who the masterminds behind the Pizza Hut takeover of the world were? Look no further, for the culprits have been found- and they are none other than fat cats! The link between chubby felines and Italian food has long been right in front of us- not only do we have President Aria himself residing in a Martian recreation of Venice, but most readers will surely recall Garfield and his love of lasagne. Now, these huggable fiends have taken it to the next level, seeking to use Pizza Hut to cement their control over human society. Agents such as the cat in Code Geass ensure that Pizza Hut becomes ingrained in our very way of life, with all the profits going to high ranking fat cats such as the mysterious Cardinal from Alias. Readers be warned- every penny you spend on Pizza Hat is lining the metaphorical pockets of our soon to be furry overlords.

Ikki Tousen: Boob of Death
In the world of Ikki Tousen, clothes are made of tissue paper, undergarments from heavy duty reinforced polymers, and the deadliest weapon of all is not the fist, but the breast. Welcome to Boob of Death, the next evolution in the Ikki Tousen franchise, a series where the plot isn’t just an excuse to show off some assets- the story is the assets!

In the BoD universe, a new form of martial arts has been developed, which uses the breast itself to do the fighting. From causing a fatal nosebleed or asphyxiating one’s opponent by pressing them into the chest to administering a ‘melon’ clobbering or using the vibrations to create energy waves, there is no end to the ways in which these H-cup assets can be employed in battle. Look forward to it!

Red Garden 19: Paula’s Confession
“I imagined you sleeping with other women.”

“…to other lovers.”

“Of course, if you were in my bed at midnight, things would be different.”

“I feared the intensity of my feelings would drive you away.”

“You just wanted my body!”

“I need you for HARD YURI.”

“And so you must be mine- and mine alone.”

Look- I’m not making it up.

Elsewhere, the foreman is impressed with Rose’s father’s HARD GAY.

“You’ve slept with me even when you didn’t have to.”

“Here’s a little kickback, and I’ll, uh, see you tonight, okay?”

Short Parody: Harvest Moon- The Rebellious Teenage Years

In Harvest Moon: A Wonderful Life, your character’s child grows up throughout the course of the game, and the manual warns you to be wary of those rebellious teenage years. I haven’t quite reached that point in the game yet, but let’s imagine a worst case scenario for it.

Anton tries to give Antonia a flower.

Antonia: Dad, I don’t want some dumb flower you just picked up off the ground. Why can’t you buy me a mobile phone or something?

Anton: This is a farming village- where am I supposed to get a mobile phone?

Antonia: I don’t know, why don’t you try going into the city for once in your life? Oh, I forgot, it’s game over for you if you ever leave this dull place; well then, how about ordering one for me off TV Shopping- it’s only 98,000G.

Anton: I can’t afford to buy things from TV Shopping! I have to eat wild flowers just so that I can earn enough to buy fodder for the animals!

Antonia: Yeah, well that’s your fault for becoming a farmer! All my friends always boast about their dads have such cool jobs like being a lawyer or a doctor, and I’m too embarrassed to tell them that mine’s a farmer.

Anton: There’s nothing wrong with being a farmer- many generations of Antons have run farms.

Antonia: So what? You don’t even have a car- instead you have to ride around everywhere on that stupid horse. How am I supposed to get a lift into town to meet my boyfriend?

Anton: You have a boyfriend? Aren’t you a bit young for that?

Antonia: Get with the times, Dad. Hugh is a much better guy than you are, and he doesn’t give me stupid flowers every day like you did for Mum. He even has cool clothes- not like your four outfits that you wear every single year. Those clothes of yours are so 2005, and the food you cook is even worse! Who wants to eat Yam Soup?

Anton: That’s enough, young lady- you’re grounded!

Antonia: Yeah, like, whatever. Just wait until I’m old enough to get out of this dump.

The history of apples in anime

They may be silent, but apples have been a key part of anime for years, often showing up in the background or being eaten by characters. Tokyo Mew Mew, Zegapain, Deltora Quest, Tsubasa Chronicle, Gargoyle, Koi Kaze and Oniisama E are but a few of the series that have seen at least glimpses of apples in either foreground or background, and this range of names just shows us how many different situations they can appear in.

The first really big break for apples came in Death Note, however; first the manga showed us how shinigami Ryuk’s addiction to them was similar to human cravings for cigarettes or alcohol, and then the anime took it to the next level by including apples prominently in the first OP. From then on, the profile of the humble apple was raised, and all the groundwork they had laid over the years became clear to even the most casual of observers. We may have thought otherwise for many years, but one fact is now clear- apples are the true stars of anime.

HARD GAY corner: Gungrave
Ever since they first met as children, Brandon and Harry knew that they were destined HARD GAY partners- one talkative and ambitious, the other quiet and loyal. Even so, they knew that the key to not getting bored with each other was to take other lovers, and so it was that they started off by forming a street gang in order to create a more varied experience.

Unfortunately, the other gang members were eventually killed, forcing Brandon and Harry to join up with Millennion, an intensely HARD GAY group led by Big Daddy (so named due to the size of his Zhuge Liang). As Brandon and Harry worked their way up through the ranks of Millennion over the years, they came to discover all kinds of HARD GAY lovers- most notably Bear Walken (a real ‘bear’ in the bedroom), Balladbird Lee (a swift and precise lover), Bob Poundmax and Bunjie Kugashiro- but unfortunately, this situation was not to last. Even as Brandon found love with Big Daddy, Harry not only discovered the exciting nature of CORPSE with re-animated lovers, but decided that there should be no end to his HARD GAY ambitions.

Inevitably, Brandon and Harry clashed, ending in Brandon’s death after a bout of Pistol. In order to put this behind him, Harry took control of Millennion and convinced his underlings to become ‘Superiorised’, a process which refined them into the ultimate lovers. Meanwhile, jilted lover Brandon was brought back from the dead, at which point he vowed to get revenge on Harry. As it turned out, however, after intense HARD GAY encounters with Harry’s underlings, he began to recall all the good times he had had with his old friend, and in the end, the pair decided to declare their feelings for each other and end it all in one last intense session…

OST Spotlight: Sousei no Aquarion OST 2
Last week I talked about the first Aquarion soundtrack, and if that sounded good to you, you’ll be pleased to know that this CD offers more of the same. As to be expected, there is a degree of remix, but aside from a slightly higher proportion of slower songs, this maintains the standard set by OST1 and even throws in a few more must-listen tracks. An essential purchase or acquisition for all Yoko Kanno fans.

Notable tracks: Go Tight, Cyberfolk Music, Dribble Dribble, Nike 15sai, Genesis of Aquarion

Licensing Reactions

• Shounen Onmyouji (Geneon): A license that was refreshingly announced without much fanfare (probably since it will only be of interest to about ten people), Shounen Onmyouji isn’t a good enough show for me to be rushing out and buying the DVDs straightaway, but maybe if a thinpak appears at some point down the line, I might get that. Then again, if there happens to be a Mokkun plushie packaged as a DVD extra, I could rethink my position for at least one volume.

Mini-editorial: The value of single volume reviews
Although there’s more flexibility to write about what you want on a blog, volume by volume reviews of DVDs and manga are the lifeblood of most anime review websites- after all, boxsets aside, that’s what the companies send you to review, and they probably wouldn’t be too pleased if you just let the volumes pile up for months before writing anything. Even so, to the casual reader, how useful is a review that only covers a small percentage of the entire series?

Now, admittedly both the initial and final volumes and their respective first and last impressions can be a useful guide, but when you haven’t seen a series and want a quick idea of whether to spend your hard earned cash on it, seven or so separate reviews for that series may simply seem like too much hard work to sift through in order to gather an overall picture. Instead, it probably sounds infinitely easier to read a complete series review to more effectively get an impression of it.

That is not to say single volume reviews are completely without merit; after all, it can be interesting to delve into more specifics than a blanket review would allow- and if it’s well written, you may want to read it regardless of how relevant the content is to you. Unfortunately, the long-term appeal is a lot more limited; with the passing of time, many more people are likely to come and read your Last Exile series review than they are your Last Exile #5 review- and anyone who hasn’t first watched volumes 1-4 isn’t likely to touch it all.

At the end of the day, single volume reviews aren’t likely to go away any time soon, but aside from perhaps the aforementioned initial and final volume pieces, their overall value and effectiveness to the readership seems somewhat less than complete series reviews. Is this something review websites like AoD and ANN should take into account- should they even come up with ways to integrate disparate reviews so that they can be displayed in a more cohesive way for those who want a general impression? Or should readers just accept that they won’t get that sort of content from those websites, and resign themselves to searching elsewhere? Perhaps a series review should be written at the end, with links to the original single volume reviews for those looking for more detail.

Harem of the week: Shugo Kunisaki- .hack//Legend of the Twilight
His goal is to become a hero in The World, and that means he needs women around to help him with such trivialities as levelling up and completing quests. Once he can accomplish these tasks on his own, they can sit back and admire him.

Harem

Rena: Twincest alert! Why else have your sister play as BlackRose than to stare at her exposed virtual flesh? For her part, Rena is fond of calling for her Onii-chan a lot, and seems to be a useless player despite secretly levelling up.

Mireille: In the real world she’s four years old, covering the loli requirements, whilst playing as a chirpy rare item hunter in the vein of her mother.

Ouka: The seductive older woman, she’s an accomplished warrior online, and can even transform into a wolf.

Hotaru: The quiet, shy and essentially helpless one- even though she’s a Wavemaster she relies on magic scrolls in order to cast spells. And before anyone chimes in and says her player is a male, that only happened in a CD drama, so it’s not canon.

Rivals

Balmung: His bishie charms entrance Rena right from the start; although Shugo seems to have the upper hand in the long haul, he presents a threat throughout the series.

Komiyama: A classmate determined to claim Rena for his own; luckily he’s fairly incompetent.

Fashion police

This week we take a look at Haseo in his Twin Blade attire (his other forms can be considered on a future occasion). To be fair, the lower half of his costume is not too bad, despite the odd gold and black contraption at the back, but once we move upwards, the problems begin. As if the bare tattooed chest wasn’t bad enough, Haseo has chosen to expose his shoulders as well, keeping up the .hack tradition of exposing as much unnecessary flesh as possible. The wrist guards are also slightly suspect, with their bulkiness seeming out of place compared to his slim arms.

In game form, the major difference is that there are more buckled straps, whilst the back of the hair is flatter, resulting in a worse hairstyle overall.

Fashion sense: C- (anime), D+ (game)

Amusing Search Terms

bouncing breasts: Try ADV’s patented Jiggle Meter.

you toube, you toube tsubasa, you toube sex: Porn, or Tsubasa Chronicle? You decide.

lolicon: Still popular.

big o new opening: My corrupt mind sees all sorts of possibilities in this innocent search.

danbooru alternative: Go and find one of the many other blogs who actually wrote about this.

dare to have sex: Be responsible, kids.

raw manga hop step jump: I’m neither Jeff Lawson nor a raw manga reader…sorry.

Stratos 4: The Admiral

Fat cat fans- rejoice at the release of this new Stratos 4 OVA, starring The Admiral herself! As this OVA reveals, the series’ chubby feline is actually a real admiral, and now it is up to her to save the earth from the largest meteor yet- by going up into space. With General/Shogun as her co-pilot, The Admiral will brave high altitudes in her experimental new ship, boldly going where no cat has gone before! Look forward to it!

Red Garden: Setting the bar for angst
Want to know the best excuses and situations for angst? Look no further.

1. Your mother is ill and your father is working away from home, forcing you to look after your increasingly irritating siblings.
2. The man you like is actually evil, whilst your HARD YURI sorority fellows are continually checking on your activities.
3. You find all your friends irritating and shallow no matter what they do, but in order to get decent conversation, you must drink bitter coffee with your teacher and get accused of having an affair with him.
4. You barely have enough money to pay the rent, but pride insists that you quit your job (only to return later), live away from your father (but borrow money from your brother) and skip classes since education and qualifications could not possibly land you a job better than flipping burgers.
5. Your previously nameless and generally bland brother has just died, but you must continue to fight despite the hindrance of your oversized lips.
6. Your cousin is dead and your sister is dying, but since you are surrounded by an evil faction, all you can do is be evil.

Zipang Pick ‘n’ Mix

The generics sense that a HARD GAY encounter may be imminent.

The named characters remain evasive for fear of having to invite the generics into their bed.

“Your HARD GAY is now most impressive.”

“The only way to find out is to go to the bedroom and try them for ourselves.”

“Before that, I have to know if you are even up to the task of matching me in the bedroom.”

“I would hate for either one of us to die because of improperly performed HARD GAY.”

This one says it all.

Short parody: Escaflowne

Allen: I am bishie and I think I love you, Hitomi- what more do you need?

Hitomi: I’m sorry, but I prefer Van.

(Van: Damn women- the only lover I need is the Escaflowne itself).

A report comes in that a town has been attacked.

Hitomi: Oh no, it’s all my fault!

Allen: Damn, my lottery ticket wasn’t a winning one.

Hitomi: I’m so sorry, it was all my fault!

Van: You know, I never did get that toy sword I wanted as a child.

Hitomi: That was my fault too! Everything that has ever gone wrong in the history of humanity happened because of me!

Van: You know, maybe we should deal with your ego issues before we continue this quest.

The history of the moon in anime
Although it is most often confined to a presence in still shots, the moon has always held importance in anime. From wars between the Earth and the moon in the likes of YoakeNa and Turn A Gundam to visiting bases on the moon in Kurau and Planetes, the satellite remains the closest and more convenient place for off-world activities in science fiction. Perhaps surprisingly, however, the moon has also brought its legacy to Earth in the form of Busou Renkin’s Moonface (aka Lunar Nicholai), a man whose head can resemble any of the phases of the moon.

HARD YURI corner: Red Garden
Thanks to her insatiable love of HARD YURI, Lise took four separate lovers- Claire, Rose, Rachel and Kate. Following her death, the other four turned to each to form a HARD YURI unit, unaware that they were not mere HARD YURI lovers, but resurrected young women tasked with fighting men so that HARD YURI could flourish. Although they were initially scared to become experimental in their intense bedroom encounters, at the urging of their pimps Lula and JC, they learned to become more daring with their HARD YURI, with even the quiet and submissive Rose showing some spirit.

Unfortunately, everyone around them remains jealous of their HARD YURI bond, forcing them to stand up to young men fearful of HARD YURI and the HARD YURI members of the school’s Grace. Can their love survive?

OST Spotlight: Sousei no Aquarion OST 1
Yoko Kanno is certainly one of the most well known names as far as anime music goes, but when it comes to praising her work, the Aquarion soundtrack has yet to receive the attention it deserves. Although this OST is more skewed towards the classical side of her work, Kanno’s skill is still very much in evidence, proving that classical-style anime music does not have to be dull, repetitive or restricted to piano and strings. Alongside the slower and more grandiose themes, there is a healthy mix of catchy faster-paced tracks that carry the listener along for the ride. A strong offering, and one that is highly recommended to anyone who listens to anime music, however infrequently.

Notable tracks: Sousei no Aquarion (onii-sama to), Macho Battle, Max Bomber Girl, Michelle, Kikaitenshi Aquarion, Brown Horses, Dragon Reika, Pride~journey of grief, Omna Magni

Licensing Reactions

• Higurashi no Naku Koro ni (Geneon): Although it’s possible that they also have MariMite, SaiMono and Nanoha, I won’t talk about those until it’s official; however, as the presumable answer to the ANN competition, Higurashi at least must be a sure thing. Although I was temporarily won over by the creepy first arc and the goriness of Shion’s rampage, in retrospect Higurashi simply had too many weak points to be worth investing in.

Mini-rant: What’s my license?
Ah, who doesn’t remember the good old days? Chocolate bars were bigger, the internet was slower, and companies actually came out and told us which series they had licensed. In this new age, however, that is no longer the case- instead we have to be subjected to tedious viral marketing campaigns and “Guess the license” competitions at Anime News Network. Now, whilst this may have been an interesting gimmick to some when it first started, it seems I’m not the only one to be getting thoroughly fed up with it by now. All I care about is what has and hasn’t been licensed, so just announce it already! Do we expect to see “guess where the rapist struck?” or “which crime do you think this man committed?” on the news? Admittedly, anime licensing is less important, but do we really need to jump through hoops just to learn when a particular series is coming out on DVD? Just tell me straight how much to pay and when to pay it (if it is indeed worth buying at all)- that’s all I need to know.

In Your Reflection

This week’s head to head is between Chrono Crusade’s Joshua and Scrapped Princess’ Forsyth. Both are the blond haired brothers of the respective female leads, who are essentially good natured but have been forced by circumstances to live with the leads’ enemies.

Fashion police: Peorth
Ah, Peorth, I like your hairstyle, but why did you have to dress like a bondage queen? No doubt many people like it that way, and I have to admit it doesn’t look too bad if you glance at it out of the corner of your eye, but sadly, it doesn’t stand up to close inspection. The basic black bikini would be fine for a swimsuit episode, but aside from the fact that it looks a little too chilly and revealing for day to day wear, it is only made worse by the hideous orange buckle and strap combination (luckily she’s a goddess so we don’t have to worry about its defiance of the laws of physics). Unfortunately, the fingerless gloves and short boots in the same colour just serve to make the overall effect worse.

Fashion sense: D

Amusing Search Terms

ONE TOO MANY: Better cut back.

how to save in the diary on harvest moon: Sorry, but I can’t believe that someone is so incapable as to be unable to save their game in Harvest Moon.

Summer Days Episode: Ah yes, I remember that exact episode.

mai breast: Coming soon, Mai-Breast- all fanservice and no plot! Oh wait, that was Mai-Otome.

word round up: In the Word Round-Up, I review the most commonly used phrases of the week, such as “Hello”, “I’m fine”, and “I promise it will be done by next week”.

December 1^st: A truly great day, December 1^st, for it is the first of December. Don’t tell anyone I told you, though.

“Love it or loathe it”: marmite?

sei4C: I wish I could say something witty about this.

NOIR / WE HAD TO LET YOU HAVE IT: This must be a line from the HARD YURI Noir sequel.

game maker sprite flames: Will RPG Maker sprite Robespierre do?

Lolicon: it’s getting popular again, to the extent of 50 searches on some days.

you toube basketball: It’s good to see you toube continuing to evolve.

large boobs: more H-cup.

Busou renkin hentai doujins: No, please…no.

how can use my audition perfect hack: I don’t know.

Harvest Moon gay love: Anton loves his wife, his horse and his chickens, but not other men.

auditionsea cash hack: Did I hear you say cash?

game characters: How specific.

My Meine Liebe Wieder: Yours? Are you the creator?

Dangerous love: Is it worth the risk?