How I became ‘perverted’

Maintaining a reputation can be difficult sometimes- one minute you’ve convinced everyone you’re as sweet and innocent as they come, the next you’ve gained a reputation for being a bit of a pervert. The latter isn’t true, of course, but how could such a misunderstanding have come about?

Excuses, Excuses

• “I only played that eroge because I was curious after watching the anime adaptation!”
• “I only acquired those game CGs because I like the character designs!”
• “I only read that yaoi manga because it had an interesting sounding title!”
• “These pictures of couples and naked women are just references for my drawing!”
• “I’m only looking at this adult doujin because someone sent it to me!”
• “I know this anime has adult scenes, but I’m watching it for its historical/dramatic/romantic elements!”

I just played that adult game because it had SRPG elements! I just downloaded those naked women because they looked beautiful! I’m just reading this yaoi manga because I liked the title!

Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei: the lost chapters

Sensei is at his desk, but nothing is happening.

Chiri: Sensei, the bell has rung- you should be taking class!

Sensei: There will be no class today! I must finally depart this mortal coil!

Sensei gets out a noose.

Sensei: Last night, I had a marvellous idea- something that would become my life’s work! But when I woke up this morning, I had forgotten it! There’s no point in living anymore!

Kafka: But Sensei, when we forget things, it’s just to make room for new things!

Sensei: Zetsubou shita! This world where great ideas can so easily be forgotten has left me in despair!

• Ideas you think of whilst falling asleep that are forgotten in the morning because you forgot to write them down.
• Forgetting everything you revise when you get into the exam.
• Forgetting a perfect pitch in front of potential investors.
• Freezing up in the middle of a play or recital.
• Unsaved documents lost in a computer crash.
• Priceless works lost to fire or flood.
• Geniuses dying of malnutrition because they forgot to eat.

Shaman King

Ryu receives some HARD GAY encouragement…

…along with a confession.

“I can get much more aroused than that!”

“A truly Zhuge Liang!”

“Don’t act so surprised- I told you I was large!”

Yoh discovers the joys of fetishism.

A perfect HARD GAY moment.

“I need to study those HARD GAY techniques!”

“Ryu, I’m just not into you.”

“You’re not doing it right!”

Len tries to deny any confusion over sexuality.

“Even if you’re not experienced with HARD GAY, we’ll see how it goes.”

“Man or woman, it’s all the same to you.”

Dragons’ Den

Welcome to our regular feature based on the TV program of the same name, in which anime characters try to market their great idea to five fat cats of anime! President Aria made his fortune in the gondola industry of Neo Venezia, and is now CEO of a well-known company. Mikoto started her business in the capital of Wind Bloom, and is now a trusted advisor to the queen, with business partners scattered across the world. Nyanko-sensei is a contract expert who made his fortune in the supernatural business, and whose sharp observations and ruthless manner make him a formidable businessman. Mr Tibbs started his career as a tea cat for the bank, but his sound grasp of finance saw him rise up the ranks until he became one of their most prominent managers. Finally, The Cardinal is the world’s most powerful fat cat, with a wide range of business interests that ensure that he has a paw in every pie (often literally, depending on his appetite). These five cats represent some heavyweight investment clout in every sense of the word, but is any deal attractive enough to get them to roll off their backsides and shake paws with a budding entrepreneur?

Entering the Den this week is Fai D. Flowright, an entrepreneur with an intriguing concept based around discoveries made whilst travelling.

Fai: Hello, my name is Fai, and I’m here to represent Tsubasa Enterprises. We are looking for investment in the procurement and sale of our product, the Sakura Feather. Made of pure memory, these feathers represent an amazing new power source, one that is both renewable and eco-friendly.

Mr Tibbs: When you say procurement, does that mean you aren’t actually making these?

Fai: Well, not as such, no- we just collect them.

Nyanko-sensei: And how hard is it to collect them?

Fai: It’s not without its challenges- but it’s well worth the effort. They make amazing power sources.

Cardinal: Hmm, I do have the manpower to see to their collection, but I have several questions. First, what’s to stop other people from collecting and selling the same product? Do you have an exclusivity contracts?

Fai: Well, I’m travelling with the heroes, so we always get the feathers.

Mikoto: Always? Bear in mind that we have had Fei Wong Reed in here, who I believe you may be familiar with.

Fai: Okay, there have been one or two exceptions, but we do have the monopoly on the market.

Cardinal: Fair enough, but even so, there must be a finite amount of feathers. I’m very wary of investing in a company whose worth will one day just drop to zero- unless of course you have a contingency plan?

Nyanko-sensei: Now wait a minute, I can see some potential here. Is there any way you could research or take control of actual feather production?

Fai: Erm, I…I honestly don’t know.

Aria: Punyu. [Making feathers is obviously going to cost someone their memories. I’m not comfortable with that, and so I’m out.]

Cardinal: To be honest, as you are, you are not investable. If you can find a way to maintain the exclusivity of your product and the longevity of your business, we’d be interested, but as it is, it’s not something that can be scaled to the levels we’re looking at. I think I speak for all of us when I say- I’m out.

Although most of the Dragons were interested in the product, flaws in the business model have discouraged the Dragons, leaving Fai to go home without the investment he was hoping for.

Scenes we’d like to see

Lines you’d never hear in Star Trek

“Captain, there’s a major disaster affecting the Federation- but another starship has taken care of it so we won’t be needed.”

“Everything is as it seems on this idyllic alien planet- let’s enjoy an entire episode of doing nothing.”

“Captain, I’m not going down to the planet with you- this red shirt means I’d be doomed!”

“You know what, Spock, I really can’t be bothered to save the galaxy today- let’s just leave it.”

“Cap’n, the engines are down, the dilithium crystals are shot, and there’s no way I can fix it! I’m goin’ home for the day!”

“The invading aliens don’t seem to be at all interested in Earth! They’re targeting one of the many other planets in the Federation!”

“Does anyone have a map of this place? I seem to be lost on Deck Five.”

“These alien pleasure women are an illogical nightmare, Captain- I’m completely

and utterly sexually exhausted.”

“People of Earth, we have come to share our knowledge and wisdom with you- and there is absolutely no catch! No really, this time you can trust us!”

This Week in Anime

The sight of so many lemons in anime is unprecedented.

Chop!

Squeeze!

But they won’t give up their secrets easily.

And, if given the chance, they will fight back.

HARD GAY- just say no.

When so many fruits come together, something is bound to happen…

…and indeed, within moments a fight has broken out.

“Just because fruits appear all the time in anime, there’s no need to shove it down our throats!”

“I thought everyone liked putting some ‘banana’ in their mouth.”

“Aagh, someone’s having DOG in here!”

“I feel strangely aroused.”

“No one was ever meant to see DOG!”

“Oranges and whites, get your oranges and whites here!”

“I’ll take an orange- I don’t know what whites are.”

“Smile for the camera, orange!”

That fruit basket from earlier somehow jumps series to end up here.

“Oh my god, he’s having WATERMELON!”

“Destroy this abomination at once!”

“Akagi will be along soon.”

Game World Tour: Mana Khemia

Welcome to a world where your dreams of attending a school of alchemy can finally be realised! At the dedicate Al Revis Academy, you will spend three years on campus, learning alchemic synthesis, combat training and survival skills. Unfortunately, you will not be allowed to leave campus from the time you arrive until the time you graduate, but if you do well enough in your studies, you will have plenty of free time to explore and make new friends. Just be warned- slack off in your studies and you’ll get put in detention! So don’t delay, apply to Al-Revis Academy today!

Mini-rant: Why is it always character A’s fault when character B is a complete and utter a-hole? Is it a reflection on Japanese culture?

Forgive the length of the title, but upon watching Antique Bakery episode 8, I was struck by something- how many times in anime have we seen a character complain about someone acting rudely or indifferently towards them, only to be told it’s their fault? Now, whilst I appreciate that interaction is a two-way thing, and that both sides may not be completely blameless, when we see a character acting deplorably, isn’t it the fault of that particular character? Is it merely indicative of the values of politeness, respect, obedience and so forth in Japanese culture that mean we should take it as our own fault when people treat us badly? Shouldn’t we just call them out for being the assholes that they are?

Take Leon in Kaleido Star, for example- he went as far as dropping his partner, and then Sora and May get the blame for not being trusting enough. Personally, I don’t blame them for being wary if he’s going to take it into his head to do something like that.

Harem of the week: Vayne (Mana Khemia)

A quiet and sometimes weak-willed character, Vayne started out pretty indifferent to the world, but still somehow managed to amass girls around him

Harem

Jess: The main girl, classmate and the first one to befriend Vayne when he comes to Al-Revis Academy. Suffers from a mysterious sickness.

Nikki: An outspoken catgirl with super strength and the desire to marry lots of husbands and bear lots of children.

Pamela: A ghost who resides in the school library, Pamela is whimsical and easily distracted.

Anna: A pre-teen master of swords, she is an impeccable samurai but sometimes misinterprets social situations due to her overly serious nature.

With the recent announcement of a second season of Fullmetal Alchemist coinciding with the Pope announcing seven new ‘modern’ deadly sins, it seems only natural that the two should go hand in hand. Could it be that in this new season, Ed and Al will have to battle seven new Homunculi related to these sins?

Pollution: Like a villain from Captain Planet, Pollution’s only aim is to spew noxious and damaging materials into the atmosphere. Wherever Pollution goes, animals die, plants wither and mysterious mutants turn up.

Genetic Engineering: Under the guise of a simple country doctor, Genetic Engineering carries out horrific experiments even worse than those seen at Lab 5. His aim is to improve soul transfer and chimera creation, and he is one of the few Homunculi who can use alchemy.

Obscene Riches: Bearing a remarkable physical similarity to Peter Jones of Dragons’ Den, Obscene Riches’ only goal is to make as much money as possible, even if it means bankrupting others in the process.

Taking Drugs: Usually seen lurking on a street corner, Taking Drugs can produce all kinds of mind-altering substances from within his body. His only aim is to addict as many people as possible.

Abortion: In the guise of a midwife, Abortion travels from town to town, visiting pregnant women. With a single press of her hand to a woman’s abdomen, she can dissolve the baby inside.

Paedophilia: A creepy man in an overcoat, Paedophilia has an unhealthy interest in young children, and will whisk them off at the first opportunity.

Causing Social Injustice: A knight in tarnished armour, Causing Social Injustice travels the land, wronging rights wherever he goes.

Nabari no Ou 15-16

No one said HARD GAY was safe.

“Don’t use your Liang! You’re going to rip me apart!”

“It’s no good- I just can’t control the urges!”

“I didn’t want my first time to be this way!”

“I think I love you!”

“…whether I’m STRAIGHT or HARD GAY.”

“This is what happens when you jump straight into bed with a stranger.”

“I know where the sex toys are!”

“I’d like to order Pleasure for sometime within the next seven days.”

“I know you take a while to get in the mood, but surely that should be long enough to work up to it.”

“Think of servicing us as a mission.”

“Once we have the ultimate techniques, everyone’s sex life will improve!”

*NEW* Scenes We’d Like to See

Based on the round of the same name from Mock the Week, Scenes We’d Like to See suggests an anime-related situation and then comes up with humorous suggestions. Unfortunately, we don’t have the likes of Frankie Boyle and Hugh Dennis around to help out, but we’ll try our best.

“Things a giant robot pilot would never say”

“I’m sorry, but I can’t pilot this- I haven’t had any training!”

“This robot defies the laws of physics- can’t we just use some really big guns?”

“For god’s sake, I’m only fourteen! I want to go out with my friends and buy porn magazines, not pilot some robot!”

“As a generic character who only appears in the first episode, I’m sure that I will win this battle before the main character shows up.”

“Since I went out there without a clue as to what I was doing, of course I messed up and had to be rescued by my highly trained allies.”

“I’m turning twenty-one next week.”

“I have a happy family life with absolutely nothing to complain about.”

“I am a female Gundam pilot with numerous victories and extensive battle experience.”

“I find it really hard to get the girls.”

This Week in Anime

Massive apple balloon can only be eclipsed by…

…massive ice cream balloon that doesn’t quite look like what it’s meant to be.

“At last- an orange of my own! I must crack its secrets!”

Cameraman stumbles on secret rubber duck convention.

Onegai Teacher, sponsored by T-Mobile.

Zetsubou shita!

You can’t trust an orange when it’s just been left alone like that.

“It’s an orange!”

Rubber duck takes job as impromptu censor.

Oranges and bananas may aspire to climb the dessert mountain, but can either of them break through the chocolate ceiling?

“According to this, we must report all incidences of fruit and veg in anime!”

What can be more tragic than a crushed apple?

HORSE! Get your HORSE here!

An apple a day applies even to Nekomata.

Who knew that you had to mine for strawberries?

“We’re more used to seeing strawberries, apples and oranges in anime.”

“Zetsubou shita!”

“A 9K gold hairpin set with a round brilliant cut sky blue topaz!”

Anime World Tour: Antique Bakery

Welcome to a world where cakes and HARD GAY are synonymous with each other! If you have a sweet tooth and a desire to see pretty boys who may or may not be sleeping with each other, then stop by Antique, the café that caters to all your tastes! Just watch out, however, as this world is also populated by kidnappers with a penchant for force feeding cakes to their captives.

Harem of the week: Kei Kusanagi (Onegai Teacher)

A mild-mannered young man with a disease that caused him to periodically have standstills and look 15 at age 18, Kei was nonetheless quite a hit with the ladies- especially those from outer space.

Harem

Mizuho: Kei’s alien teacher, who he ends up married to after a series of events triggered by discovering her secret. Although it is initially a marriage of convenience, they do develop feelings for each other.

Herikawa: Kei’s optimistic and good-natured classmate who obviously has unrequited feelings for him.

Ichigo: Another classmate who suffers from the same disease as Kei and hence is in fact 21 years old.

Maho: Mizuho’s little sister; she initially disapproves of Kei but later seems to develop affectionate feelings for him.

Katsuho: Mizuho’s outgoing mother, an older woman who seems interested in seducing Kei.