Useless Gaming FAQ Advice

Picture the scene- you’re so hideously stuck on a game that you just have to refer to a FAQ (or you’re just lazy), but instead of the detailed strategies you were hoping for, there is a statement so blatantly obvious it need never have been written in the first place. Here are some examples of the sort of frustratingly useless gaming advice you wish you’d never read.

• In this battle, what you need to do is beat the boss if you want to win.
• If your hero is at level 99, this battle will be easier than it would have been at level 50.
• If you’ve completed every optional quest and spent eighty hours levelling up, this battle will be easy; otherwise it will be impossible. Good luck.
• In order to defeat this enemy, just keeping attacking it until its HP reaches zero.
• This battle is very difficult, but if you keep trying, you will eventually win.
• If you get game over, you will have to reload and try again.

Final Fantasy Tactics: A remake for the 21^st century

As you may or may not know, there is now a PSP remake of Final Fantasy Tactics featuring various tweaks for the gameplay and character, but let’s ignore that and imagine how we could remake the enjoyable yet often hard FFT into something more suited for the “dumbed down” modern gamer.

• Increase party limit from five to fifteen, with the ability to switch characters in and out of battle at will or if a character dies. The maximum number of recruitable characters is now 99.
• When attacked, your characters have a 100% chance of dodging the attacking and countering with a deathblow.
• Skills are easier to learn, and everyone can have simultaneous access to every skill.
• Enemies never counterattack, and whilst they are affected by terrain, all of your characters are immune to such hindrances.
• There is no longer a time delay when allies cast magic, but enemies take at least ten turns to cast.
• Auto-Life, Auto-Regen and Auto-Reflect are switched on for every boss battle.
• New characters start at the same level as the main character, regardless of when they are recruited.
• Enemy levels scale with yours, so that they are always twenty levels below you.
• Shops give away items for free.
• If your party is wiped out, they are immediately revived, whilst the enemy units take damage equal to the HP used to revive them.

Mobile Suit Gundam

Someone has a rather large ego.

“Damn him! Now I might actually have to do something!”

(”I can’t believe they’ve replaced the bartender with a guy on a screen- talk about cost cutting.”)

“Everyone, let’s play Yu-Gi-Oh!”

“Don’t you think that’s going a bit overboard?”

“…and I know it!”

“We totally didn’t borrow this design from Star Trek.”

“It’s not supposed to break down- I’m the main character!”

Someone forgot to draw in the pupils…

…but with a bit of editing, it’s all better.

Random Thoughts: Zhuge Liang

This week we talk to Zhuge Liang, historical figure and star of both the ROTK anime and Koutetsu Sangokushi! Zhuge, would you like to talk a bit about your roles in both series?

Well, in ROTK I didn’t come in until later, but that was just to stop viewers from being overcome by my awesomeness. Once I started taking an active role, ratings really soared- and for good reason. All-in-all, I’m glad we were able to bring viewers such a historically accurate account of the Three Kingdoms era.

In Koutetsu, we’re trying to do something a bit different, with emphasis on my superiority, greatness and inexplicable magical powers. Basically, the idea behind the series is just to hire as many good looking men for me to sleep with as possible, and then ad-lib a script whenever we’re filming.

Is it true that you’re all-knowing, or are you just putting it on for the cameras?

How dare you even ask such a thing!? Of course I am all knowing- I am Zhuge Liang, son of God!

Out of your many partners, who is best in the bedroom?

It’s so hard to choose- I mean you’ve got Lu Xun’s youthful and innocent vigour, which is nice, but then there are times when you just want Pleasure with an experienced lover like Zhou Yu who knows exactly how to give you what you want.

How do you justify the complete lack of women in Koutetsu Sangokushi?

Women are unimportant- I only desire MEN.

And finally, how do you feel about your name now being as a synonym for “Huge Wang”?

It seems appropriate, given my mighty size. Would you like to see it?

Uh, I think I’ll pass.

This Week in Anime

Even though it’s meant to be Yeager, from certain angles it looks like Kevin Keegan.

The Pizza Hut invasion continues in Darker than Black.

Mao certainly seems to be getting fat on Pizza Hut.

Fruit is never far from the action.

Some people will do anything for sweet, sweet peaches.

Grapes infiltrate the Great Refrigerator.

HARD GAY corner: Lodoss War TV

On his continuing quest for HARD GAY, Parn hones his Sword skills and takes on lovers both old and new, from King Kashue and the well-endowed Ashram, to “berserker in the bedroom” Orson and “master of Staff” Cecil. Meanwhile, in the land of Flaim, a young knight-in-training named Spark practises HARD GAY from a young age, eventually growing up enough to be able to take partners such as “rough and ready” Garrack and “quietly Zhuge” Aldonova. In a surprise turn of events, however, Spark heralds the emergence of a new era by turning BI and also including women in his party, forcing Parn to return to the story and show the young man that Sword is always best.

OST spotlight: Ghost in the Shell Stand Alone Complex OST 2

Yoko Kanno showcases her talent at jazz composition in this soundtrack, my favourite of all the SAC OSTs to be released so far. Whilst not every track is on the mark (one in particular consists of what sounds like bees buzzing an anthem), when the powerful strains of origa’s Rise or one of the many other powerful vocal themes are reached, all weaknesses can be forgiven.

Notable tracks: Rise, I Can’t Be Cool, Psychedelic Soul, What’s it For, Living Inside the Shell

Mini-rant: Scanlators and e-Liangs

Inspired by this post, I decided to construct a self-serving rant of my own about the difficulty of “acquiring” manga from certain scanlation groups. Now, perhaps I should become less lazy and get on with improving my Japanese to a point where I can tackle the manga raw, maybe I should bow and scrape to the people who translate series I wouldn’t be able to read otherwise, but the real annoyance is- if you’ve gone to the trouble of releasing manga (presumably for fans to read), why make it so difficult to get hold of? I don’t mind going into IRC, or having to wait a few days- what I do mind is being asked to make n posts on a forum I have little to no interest in. If I wanted to post on your forums, I would be doing so already, and I don’t take kindly to being forced to do so.

In short, someone who is illegally scanning and translating manga doesn’t really have much ground with which to feel superior to the leechers they are doing it for- and if you aren’t doing it for said leechers, don’t bother to even advertise the fact that you’ve made such a release for everyone to see.

Reverse Harem of the week: Miaka Yuki (Fushigi Yugi)

When she went to another world, she was quick to amass bishounen to protect her, with her chirpy personality proving oddly attractive to them all.

Harem

Tamahome: The main guy and one she eventually ends up, their relationship went through a lot of angst before finally overcoming even the plot.

Hotohori: The emperor and second man, Hotohori adored Miaka and even challenged Tamahome for her, but eventually settled for an offscreen role with an abruptly introduced wife.

Nuriko: A cross-dresser who developed a crush on Hotohori, he nonetheless eventually admitted that the male part of his personality loved Miaka, causing him to make the ultimate sacrifice for her.

Chichiri: A priest and magic user with a dark past; not romantically attracted to Miaka but still one of her destined bishounen.

Tasuki: A hot-headed bandit who claimed to hate women until his hidden feelings for her were exposed by an enemy spell.

Mitsukake: A quiet doctor who lost his beloved in a plague; not romantically attracted to Miaka but still one of her destined bishounen.

Chiriko: A genius shota; not romantically attracted to Miaka but still one of her destined bishounen.

Amiboshi: A member of the enemy sent to infiltrate the destined bishounen; later in the story he wants Miaka to drop out of the plot and live with him forever.

Rivals

Yui: Miaka’s best friend turned rival and enemy, she tries to steal Tamahome from her at one point in the plot.

Suboshi: His devotion to both Yui and his brother caused him to violently attack and pursue Miaka.

Soi: Her love for Nakago made her jealous when he revealed his plan to steal Miaka’s virginity

Tomo: See above.

Nakago: He became determined to steal away everything important to Miaka, from her boyfriend to her virginity.

Amusing Search Terms

Old favourite: you toube sex

fat cats: yay, somewhere out there is another supporter of flabby felines.

suikoden nude: a naked disc, bereft of packaging.

O AND I CANT DIE I HAVE AZURE INSIDE OF: this makes no sense whatsoever.

Marimite Hard Panda: The correct terminology is not Hard Panda, but merely PANDA.

“my bikini”: Coming soon from the folks at Sunrise- Mai-Bikini, a tale of fanservice and swimsuit episodes.

hentai rumble: School Rumble, 18+ version.

Happy Sangokushi: Don’t worry, be happy.

manga bleach guys action pictures: When has this blog ever covered Bleach?

Suikoden Hentai Free: Some people just never want to pay.

romeo x juliet only 19 episodes?: Then why are episodes 20-21 up at Random Curiosity?

fat stay night: Not to be confused with Fate/Stay Night, Fat Stay Night is the tale of seven obese people and their battle to lose weight.

papillion hard gay: Yep, he is.

Amusing Spam

“where get cheap ringtones for cellular one customers info cheap ringtones for cellular one customers info ?

Wow!!! Good job. Could I take some of yours triks to build my own site?”

I don’t know what my ‘triks’ are, but they don’t come cheap.

“We are immensely pleased that you have found our web page about houses for sale….”

I did? When was that?

“diet does k special work…

I don‘t agree with you in 100%, but you have covered some good points regarding this topic….”

I had to, for K Special is such a neglected topic compared to Special K.

“Hi

Your home page its great

G”night”

Short and to the point.

“anime image boards…

Cheers – I have a special offer for this site and the users….”

If it’s to stop spamming my blog, then I accept.

“Let’s show Wu that Shu has the best HARD GAY!”

“For he is no match for the mighty Zhuge Liang!”

“Zhao Yun, three thousand men and their HORSES should be enough for your appetite.”

“Now, I shall arrange your HARD GAY, Zhang Fei…”

“This is what I’ve been waiting for!”

“Cooking meat” is a brand new euphemism for HARD GAY.

“In case you hadn’t already heard, I do know everything.”

“Good stuff! Cao Cao will Pleasure me tonight!”

“Liu Bei, you’ve spent the entire series running away, and so it is only right that you sit back and watch from a safe place tonight.”

“Hey, why don’t I get to be a part of the HARD GAY? Am I not allowed to see your Sword?”

“Actually, I have the perfect position for you.”

“But I’m not sure if you’ll be able to perform.”

“After all, hasn’t Cao Cao spoiled you for other men?”

“I can’t deny that I slept with him, but he was merely average in the bedroom!”

“Just tell me what sort of HARD GAY you want, and I’ll give it to you!”

“Basically, that means that you can lie about your size, or pretend it was good when it wasn’t, and no one will think any the worse of you.”

Cao Cao looks forward to some HARD GAY.

(“Hmm, what an interesting method- I can’t wait to try it out!”

Before…“This HARD GAY has to be perfect!”

And after… “ah yes, that was most pleasing.”

“I nominate you to service Huang Gai.”

“Gwakaka, I cannot possibly lose!”

“Your inevitable victory is already being threatened!”

“Foiled again! Damn you, Zhuge Liang!”

“Give them Flaming ARROW, boys!”

“Why is this happening? Why am I losing yet again?”

“It’s just not fair, damn it!”

Sometimes the simplest lines are the best ones.

Cao Cao turns to the only avenue left to him- good, reliable HORSE.

“Is the HORSE that good?”

“I was just thinking how pathetic Zhuge Liang was not to set up an ambush, gwakakaka!”

“Oh wait, they did set an ambush- how’s that for irony?”

One can truly be bowled over by the eloquence of this series.

Is anyone else getting a sense of déjà vu?

“Time for HARD GAY, Cao Cao!”

“Why do I keep getting ambushed every time I gloat about how I haven’t been ambushed?”

“I’ve been wrong twice, but this time there cannot possibly be an ambush!”

“Hello, it’s your friendly neighbourhood ambush.”

“Sir, Guan Yu was your HARD GAY lover- he will surely let you go.”

“Cao Cao, I am here for forceful HARD GAY.”

“Guan Yu, don’t you remember how gentle I was in the bedroom? Let me show you again!”

“Do not bring out your Sword- I am the one giving HARD GAY tonight!”

“Damn him- he’s going to violate my men!”

“Don’t you remember the rough HARD GAY you once had with my generals- Pleasure so intense that it killed them?”

“Just have HARD GAY with him, Father!”

“I cannot knowingly give fatal HARD GAY to him- it is not heroic.”

“And there are no episodes left for me to return and try to get revenge on those meddling heroes!”

“Wait, what am I saying? No villain worth his chair gives up this easily! Gwakakaka!”

“You couldn’t even have HARD GAY with Cao Cao? Then as punishment I shall take you by force!”

“Take me too- I love that sort of kinky stuff!”

“Don’t do it- true Pleasure comes from mutual consent!”

“After all, you do know everything.”

“Indeed I do.”

“That would ruin the story.”

“These forty-seven episodes were just a prologue!”

“…for these were chaotic times.”

“…in the nonexistent season two!”

I’ve been awfully negligent about these introductions lately, haven’t I? To make up for it, here are links to some amusing videos- Minesweeper the movie and Facebook Off. Trust me, they’re worth clicking on.

Reviewed this week: Baccano! 3, Darker than Black 20, El Cazador 20, Higurashi Kai 7, Koutetsu Sangokushi 11, Mai-Otome Zwei 4, Mononoke 4, Mushi-Uta 7, ROTK 47, RxJ 18, Seirei no Moribito 19, Sisters of Wellber 4

…and in manga: SaiMono 7, Spiral 48, Twin Spica 5+flashback

ANIME

CURRENT SERIES RANKINGS

1. Dennou Coil (1) – no more until the 25^th? Don’t make me wait!
2. SaiMono II (2) – who will win Eigetsu’s heart?
3. Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei (3) – despair!
4. Darker than Black (4) – not bad, could be better
5. Baccano! (5) – I don’t know what’s going on, but I like it
6. Mononoke (6) – what do you fear the most?
7. Mushi-Uta (7) – stabilising in the pretty good zone
8. Tetsuko no Tabi (8)- train adventures
9. Doujin Work (9) – this is becoming a guilty pleasure
10. Higurashi no Naku Koro ni Kai (10) – Hanyu makes it all better
11. Koutetsu Sangokushi (11) – pure cheese
12. Romeo X Juliet (12) – what’s the point anymore?
13. Seirei no Moribito (13) – an exercise in monotony
14. El Cazador de la Bruja (14) – useless Nadie

SLOW RANKINGS

1. Shounen Onmyouji (1)- a new episode after so long
2. Love GetChu! (3)- light entertainment
3. Sisters of Wellber (2) – Rita gets a new job
4. ROTK (4)- done and dusted <-complete!

OVA RANKINGS

1. MariMite (2)- more HARD YURI than ever
2. Mai-Otome Zwei (3)- white cat <-complete

Baccano! 3: With this episode, I have even less of a grasp of what is going on, but much like Iroha in its day, I am enjoying myself nonetheless (in fact, I’d go so far as to say that this has the potential to be better than Iroha. In this episode, we follow the threads of various characters, as criminal activities mix in with a mysterious ability to cheat death. I may not know what’s happening, but that doesn’t stop me from enjoying it.

Darker than Black 20: Another arc concludes and we’re still no closer to finding out the truth about this world; instead, the episode is spent trying to rescue Shihoko and getting to Alma. Some interesting contract remunerations are revealed, but aside from that, there’s not a huge reason to care about the deaths of yet more characters we just met. Although I’m appreciative of how this arc fleshed out Huang beyond his initial shallow and dislikeable image, it once again feels like something we should have seen nearer the beginning of the series, not six episodes from the end.

El Cazador de la Bruja 20: After nineteen slow, boring and pointless episodes of El Cazador, the twentieth episode marks a change by being…slow, boring and pointless. Having succumbed to the green-eyed monster of jealousy when he sees how close Ellis and Nadie have become, L.A. decides to enlist the police to capture and kill Nadie, only to change his mind and decide to kill her himself mere minutes later. Meanwhile, Ricardo and Lirio show up to help out, Blue Eyes appears to observe and Nadie proves herself to be so useless that even a generic can cause her to trip over a dustbin lid. Whatever immunity I had last week also seems to be breaking down, as this once again felt like about fifty minutes rather than twenty-five.

Higurashi no Naku Koro ni Kai 7: Unlike previous worlds, everything seems to be conspiring to make sure that none of our leads spirals off into a psychotic rampage- thanks to dream-memories of earlier tragedies, each takes the action needed to prevent disaster. Even so, Hanyu is sure that this world will end in failure as well, and even though detailed spoilers tell me how everything will turn out in this arc, it is still proving to be more satisfying than Higurashi has been in a long time.

Koutetsu Sangokushi 11: It cannot be denied anymore- Koutetsu Sangokushi is not just cheese, it is pure unadulterated mature cheddar. In this episode, our heroes condense the historical battle of Chi Bi into a battle against Wei’s implausible ship, the Red Cliff, and never have I seen something so unintentionally hilarious. After a lot of HARD GAY innuendo and predictable moves by our characters, our six main heroes actually get teleported inside the Sovereign’s Seal (or, as I call it, the Lord’s Cube), where they are each given magical Gundam Musou Dragoon Ranger powers, and the whole thing turns into a sentai show. As always, it’s not what I was expecting when I started this show, but the whole thing is a laugh riot.

*COMPLETE* Mai-Otome Zwei 4: I think it’s time to accept that Mai-Otome will never leave my life, but that doesn’t mean we have to be comfortable bedfellows. I want to leave the full shredding to its own dedicated post, but suffice to say that this final instalment in the Zwei OVA is basically a boss battle against the evil shadow Otome (now in the shape of giant Fumi), and Arika and Nina defeat it (Nina makes a contract with Mashiro) whilst Mai fights Kagutsuchi and the other Otome tackle nameless monsters off screen. It’s poor quality, senseless and largely pointless, but because it actually has fighting scenes, it is one of Otome’s better moments. And as if the wasn’t enough, a new prequel OVA(?) is said to be coming soon- Mai-Otome S.ifl. More on that this Sunday.

Mononoke 4: The good yet bizarre second arc of Mononoke continues in this episode (and yes, it’s definitely to be continued), as an Umizatou (basically a monstrous fish man with hideous smacking lips) boards the ship and asks everyone what their greatest fear, before showing them a disturbing and hideous illusion. By the end of the episode, we discover who brought the ship to this place and why, but on the way there’s plenty of creepy and borderline imagery to see- and to my surprise, I’m actually enjoying it.

Mushi-Uta 7: Whilst three new characters arrive in town to search for Fuyuhotaru, Asami continues to adjust to her new powers- and it seems certain that the various factions will be coming after her soon. I finally feel as if I have a somewhat more solid (if not complete) grasp of what is going on, although as before I am more drawn to the character interactions and their double lives than to the whole Bug Master aspect that I initially expected to be the most appealing element.

*COMPLETE* Romance of the Three Kingdoms 47: Well, it’s finally over, and with that this series can be put to rest. In this episode, the battle of Chi Bi concludes with the fire attack on the Wei ships, and although the narrator tells us that this is only the beginning of the Three Kingdoms era proper, as far as this series goes, it is the end of an era of mixed cheese, unintentional hilarity and stretches of boredom. No one else should ever attempt to watch it.

Romeo X Juliet 18: Francisco and Conrad have ordered some swords for the previously unmentioned mounted cavalry strike on Neo Verona, but since doing such a thing would advance the plot too far too fast, everyone decides to break off and perform one of Shakespeare’s plays (that’s the Shakespeare in the series, not the genuine article). Meanwhile, Romeo and his prisoner friends start making the abandoned village prosperous again- if this was some kind of simulation game, it might be enjoyable, but this is an anime, and right now it’s anime that’s going nowhere, and will probably continue to go nowhere right up until the end.

Seirei no Moribito 19: This week on Seirei no Moribito, the exciting crunch time continues as our characters try Sitting and Talking! Talking! Talking! Try not to fall off the edge of your seat as our undefeated heroine Balsa seats herself on a mat and takes on Tanda in the mightiest conversational battle you’ve ever seen! Tremble with fear as no fewer than Eight (that’s Eight, ladies and gentlemen) Evil Men skulk around the edge of a village and politely ask questions about our heroes! Feel the adrenalin flow as Chagum tries to Slowly Walk Away From Home with a village girl, only to meet Balsa in the Showdown of the Century! Will he run her through with her own spear so that he can go home to Mummy and Shuga, or will she easily deflect the untrained boy, slap him in the face and tell him to stop being so Damn Annoying? Find out by calling your cable provider and asking them to hook you up to Seirei no Moribito! Don’t watch this all in one go, because the excitement will Blow Your Mind!

Wellber no Monogatari ~Sisters of Wellber~ 4: It’s been a while since we had any Wellber, but now episode four has appeared, in which Rita is forced to hide in what turns out to be the red-light district. Naturally, Rita’s complete lack of understanding first sees her almost getting employed as a prostitute herself, before deciding to campaign against the evils of women selling themselves (surely a counterpart to the recent TV show Anne Widdecombe vs. Prostitution) and then ultimately leaving all the characters of the week behind to continue her mission. It’s all rather standard and not particularly exciting, but the occasionally parody-worthy nature of this show has inspired me to consider “Saturday Special”, where I parody hand-picked episodes from various series.

MANGA

Saiunkoku Monogatari 7: It’s all the way back to the first arc once again in this chapter, as Shou Taishi’s scheme is revealed and Sa Enjun takes the fall- with his life. It’s good to relive these early parts of the story in such a compact form, although it would be even better if it was getting released a bit faster. Yes, this manga may be a mere extra course to the main meals of novel and anime, but it’s still worth having around.

Spiral 48: The confrontation with Kanone is, er, still going on, but luckily for Spiral, it remains good enough that we can pretend not to notice how long this fight has been dragging on for. Ayumu and Kanone are face to face once again, but whilst Kanone is certain that nothing can deflect the predetermined future where Ayumu kills him, our hero is about to play his last few cards. Everyone will be walking an extremely thin tightrope, but if everything comes together, their plan might just come together. I’m guessing it will, but that doesn’t make it any less interesting to read.

Twin Spica 5, flashback 2: After another flashback in which Asumi nearly drowns and visits the world between life and death (complete with some familiar faces), it’s time to get on with the present story in chapter five, which sees our heroine travel to Tokyo to start her first term in Space School. I’ve seen this all before in the anime, but even so Twin Spica is good enough to make it dramatic and heart-wrenching all over again.

The answer to that, quite simply, is no, but since ending the post here would render it pointless, I really should go into more detail. As mentioned in the first review, the main draw of this series is not the plot- even Three Kingdoms fanboys will find little to appreciate in this compressed and even more edited tale of Liu Bei and his Warriors of Justice- but the fact that the combination of story and grammatically questionable subtitles made the whole thing into a laugh riot. Over the course of the series, I have tried to point out the amusement in a series of dedicated posts, but as far as actually watching it goes, it gradually became far less entertaining than the posts themselves.

The sad fact is that, whilst it only covers up to the end of the Battle of Chi Bi, ROTK’s poor quality makes forty-seven episodes of it far too much for any one person to handle. It’s amusing at first, to be sure, and even later on there are things to laugh at, but even at a rate of one episode a week (or less), the numerous dull stretches ensure that it all starts to feel like too much. When there is so much better anime out there to watch, there really is little motivation to tackle this Shu-centric attempt at conveying the general story of the Three Kingdoms, especially when you can get a far more enjoyable and equally historically accurate depiction of events from playing one of the Dynasty Warriors games.

Given the fact that it was animated some sixteen years ago, it should come as no surprise that ROTK isn’t the best looking of series. Villains are comically generic and ugly, with twitching eyes that may have as much to do with poor animation as any intentional measures, whilst heroes are equally generic, but at least have large eyes to convey their honest and open natures. From stills to looped footage, every budget saving trick in the book is used- even if you don’t particularly care about looks, it is hard to ignore how poorly drawn it is. Background music is generally bland and forgettable, whilst the OP and ED are done in a cheesy eighties style that ensures you won’t want to listen to them more than once.

Final Thoughts

Ultimately, there is no real need for anyone to watch this series, especially now that most episodes have been summarised in individual blog posts. Subjecting yourself to the series firsthand is truly an act for masochists only, for no matter how desperate you are to see Liu Bei et al in animated form, ROTK the anime really isn’t worth it.

Even as Cao Cao laughs evilly and plots his victory, Zhou Yu and the forces of Wu are preparing to move against him so that Huang Gai can give Wei the very first taste of Flaming Passion. Meanwhile, the godlike Zhuge Liang decides to invent some new HARD GAY techniques.

Zhou Yu weighs up the advantages of bondage.

Meanwhile, Cao Cao gloat over the sheer number of HARD GAY partners at his disposal.

“Now, let us sip wine and try to avoid our inevitable defeat by uttering villainous stock phrases!”

“Now, excuse me whilst I fantasise about the great HARD GAY Huang Gai and I are going to have together.”

Zhang Fei and Guan Ping discuss advanced tactics, such as attacking the enemy before they attack you.

“I don’t see why Zhou Yu should sleep with Cao Cao- I want a go with him!”

“That’s unfair- we should make it a threesome.”

Guan Yu feels jealous that Zhang Fei and Guan Ping have become a couple, leaving him out in the cold.

“And that means you’d better cut me in on your HARD GAY.”

“Me, Guan Ping and Cao Cao in a bed- and now you want to muscle in too!”

“Don’t worry, he’ll tire easily.”

After being rejected by Zhang Fei and Guan Ping, Guan Yu tries to broach the subject of HARD GAY with Liu Bei.

Naturally, Liu Bei only has eyes for Zhuge Liang, and rejects his advances.

“You know, if Zhao Yun has HARD GAY with Zhuge Liang, that leaves you free to have it with me.”

“Sorry, did you just say something, Guan Yu? I was too busy thinking about HARD GAY with Zhuge Liang.”

“Are they ready to give me HARD GAY yet?”

“Hmm, HARD GAY seems like too much of an effort at the moment.”

“How can HARD GAY ever be too much of an effort? My Sword and my badly drawn eyes need it!”

“I’m sorry, sir, but under the current circumstances the troops are just too unskilled to give you the HARD GAY you have become accustomed to.”

“They’ll never improve without practise- let’s test them out.”

“To satiate my appetite, I will need twenty boats’ worth of elite warriors- and tell the untrained ones not to penetrate too deeply in case they hurt me.”

“Yay, we’re under attack! Let’s randomly run around.”

“The enemy is attacking us- what to do, what to do…”

“They’re giving us Arrow!”

“Let’s retaliate with Spear!”

Spot the difference: circle five differences between these two images.

“I can feel their Pleasure from afar!”

“Man, that’s good!”

Let’s take a break to laugh at the grammar.

“Was it after catching sight of my Sword?”

“Of course, for I know everything.”

“Even curing Zhou Yu is nothing for one such as I.”

“What, you mean you’re a doctor on top of everything else?”

“I suppose you could put it that way, if you count my healing HARD GAY as a medical treatment.”

“It will involve HARD GAY.”

“Can any sort of HARD GAY satisfy my jaded palette?”

“I know of HARD GAY methods you could never imagine in your wildest dreams.”

“Really? You must tell me about them.”

“Here, I’ve drawn pictures of what you need to do.”

“My god! I never knew you could do it like that!”

“I also recommend some indigestion tablets.”

“By the way, I also have special magical powers.”

“Who cares about that- tell me when we can actually have this amazing HARD GAY!”

“Sorry, but I’m too busy being worshipped to service you myself.”

“Lu Su will take care of all your bedroom needs in my place.”

“Yes sir!”

“Teach it to all the troops too! I don’t want any potential partner of mine to be ignorant of this great new technique!”

“Psst…I’ve forgotten my lines- what do I say next?”

“That’s your problem- I’m off for a group Sword and Bell session! These are the rules for any prospective participants!”

“I’ve loaded your game of Harvest Moon and fed the cows for you.”

“Did you know that Cao Cao has his eye on HARD GAY with me?”

“I’d love to ram my ‘burning boats’ into his waiting ‘dock’!”

“That HARD GAY was the worst I’ve had!”

“It’s been all night, and I still don’t feel aroused!”

When Zhuge Liang prays, shooting stars fall from the heavens.

“What is this wave of HARD GAY energy?”

“Bring Zhuge Liang to me, so that I may have HARD GAY with him directly!”

“Sorry, but we’re the average ‘stupid’ brand of guard.”

“Damn you!”

“That’s the only way to have good HARD GAY!”

“I know he really wants to sleep with me, but now isn’t the time for that.”

“Fear my pointy finger of doom!”

“In HARD GAY, which is more important- quantity, or quality?”

So anyway, Kabitzin did this “Is Your Blog Good in Bed?” thing the other day (itself based on another post based on a NSFW article), and since I liked the idea of it rather a lot, I decided to shamelessly copy and begin this week’s round-up by seeing how Azure Flame measures up in the STRAIGHT department.

1. Not kissing first, or in blog terms, randomly asking other bloggers for links without introducing yourself. Fortunately, no matter how desperate I was for attention in the early days, I’m just too shy/polite/lazy/whatever to do this.
2. Ignoring the other parts of her body: hopefully everyone gets a ‘complete experience’ here; hell, Tuesday Rumble is like a blog in itself.
3. Stopping for a break: 700 posts in a year answers that question; I know I skipped out on some parodies this week, but it was because I was playing Ratchet and Clank tired.
4. Undressing her awkwardly: I do like to modify stuff a bit, but in fear of breaking my blog and because most add-ons seem pointless, it’s still fairly simple here.
5. Talking dirty: well, practically every parody is packed with innuendo, so I’ll have to plead guilty.
6. Going too fast: guilty, but mitigated by a glossary to help people understand my in-jokes for the parodies. Anyone should be able to read the reviews, and I don’t see super casual readers dropping in since you have to have an interest in anime to come here in the first place.
7. Coming too soon: I get edgy if my posts are under 400 words, so this isn’t a problem.
8. Not coming soon enough: I’ll admit it, often times my posts could be received with a tl;dr, but I just have that much to say. Disgaea needs 2,000 words, dammit!
9. Making her ride on top for ages: So far I haven’t had any guest bloggers, so this isn’t a problem.
10. Taking pictures: Yes, there are posts with up to 100 pictures, but since that’s for the purpose of captioning them they’re not there as an excuse to write.
11. Not being imaginative enough: Well, no one else has Tuesday Rumble…

Reviewed this week: Doujin Work 2, Higurashi Kai 2, ROTK 46, RxJ 14, SaiMono 13-14, Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei 1-2, Seirei 14, Zombie-Loan 2

…and in manga: Spiral volume 8, Tsubasa 160

ANIME

CURRENT SERIES RANKINGS

1. Dennou Coil (1) – S-class anime
2. Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei (-) – dark yet random humour = w1n
3. Darker than Black (2) – I love it, but I want answers
4. SaiMono II (3) – the arc surges forward again
5. Seirei no Moribito (5) – Torogai’s adventures
6. Romeo X Juliet (4) – less mush and more action
7. Doujin Work (6) – predictable but amusing
8. Sisters of Wellber (7) – needs more subbing
9. Koutetsu Sangokushi (8) – HARD GAY
10. Higurashi no Naku Koro ni Kai (11) – a new arc kicks off
11. El Cazador de la Bruja (9) – in this crazy world, flashbacks are better than the present
12. Zombie Loan (10) – too generic thus far

SLOW RANKINGS

1. Shounen Onmyouji (1)- a new episode after so long
2. Love GetChu! (2)- light entertainment
3. ROTK (3)- it’s almost over

Doujin Work 2: Having decided that she is going to make her fortune from doujinshi, Najimi sets about gathering research materials- but when you’re carrying erotic material around, it is inevitably going to lead to some embarrassing situations. Unsurprisingly, this episode relies on every related joke you could imagine, but even though you can see the laughs coming a mile off it remains amusing.

Higurashi no Naku Koro ni Kai 2: After the intense dullness of last episode, we finally get started on a new arc here, which means back to square one in terms of happy days, Satoko’s traps and everyone playing innocent childish games right before the blood begins to flow yet again. The fact that we’ve been through similar events several times before does mean that this feels like a retread of old ground, and so whilst it isn’t a bad episode, the only interesting points are noting the now open acknowledgements that Rika is the one flicking through the possible realities.

Romance of the Three Kingdoms 46: We finally reach the battle of Chi Bi in the first half of this two-part series finale (let’s get it over with already), in which Wu finalises their preparations for the fire attack on Wei, and the omnipotent scion of god Zhuge Liang summons the south-eastern wind so that the flames will carry in the right direction. Without much in the way of unintentional hilarity, this episode is a bit of a slog, but I can hardly stop now when the end is in sight.

Romeo X Juliet 14: Romeo plays the typical heroic lead yet again in this episode, which sees him sent to oversee a mine worked by criminals after daring to talk back to his father. Naturally, these harsh conditions aren’t going to dampen Romeo’s optimism as he tries to befriend ‘the lads’, all the while learning about their textbook back stories- in fact, the entire episode is basically an exercise in a realising one of the storylines in the Book of Generic Scenarios. It is at least a little more interesting than certain other recent episodes, but conversely the story has gone so far off course now that the early instalments look almost faithful to the original play in comparison.

Saiunkoku Monogatari II 13-14: I’ve finally compensated for last week’s laxity with a SaiMono double bill, in which we finally get to move away from doctors operating on sick generics to let certain named characters organise a rescue for Eigetsu and Kourin. Whilst poor Seiran is forced to lurk around in the background for screen time, Kourin gets a decent amount of attention this time around, using the skills she once employed to poison Shuurei (or at least attempt to) to get one over on her captors, before having a touching scene with her sweetheart Eigetsu. Although everything is now going so smoothly for the main characters (as a whole) that it seems almost contrived (I still have to wonder how Ryuuren knew to show up), it’s good to get out of the pacing rut that the last few episodes fell into, and I’m looking forward to seeing how Shuurei deals with the cult.

*NEW* Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei 1-2: I was a bit wary of starting this series, because whilst I wanted to like it, I was also worried that the humour might just be too Japanese to translate. Happily, my fears were unfounded, with SHAFT’s latest series about a quirky teacher and their oddball students provoking the same feelings of enjoyment that Pani Poni Dash once did. This time around, our lead is a teacher so pessimistic that he tries to kill himself every time the slightest thing goes wrong, whilst his class is anything but normal, containing as it does an overly optimistic and naïve girl, an anal retentive perfectionist, a hikkikomori and an obsessive stalker. The result is a mix of hilariously random and delightfully dark humour that doesn’t fail to disappoint, which, when coupled with a striking art style, makes for a strong series overall. My only complaint is the scary guy that appears as a censor and in other random places- whoever he is, he is more than a little sinister.

Seirei no Moribito 14: After talking with the Water People at the mystical place known as the knot, Torogai learns that the egg within Chagum is actually benign, and that the Founding History of the country is all a lie- but when the Fire People take against her having this knowledge, she finds that she may not be able to leave with it alive. Despite threatening to turn into an educational half-hour with lectures on basic geology and pseudo-history, this episode manages to entertain by relating Torogai’s adventures, which are actually far more interesting than anything Balsa has done recently. This also seems to be the first episode in a while that has actual plot development, which must surely be a good sign.

Zombie Loan 2: After a disappointing and generic first episode, Zombie-Loan is back…with a disappointing and generic second episode in which our leads investigate a zombie attacking people at school. Even though I know I’ll end up regretting it, I’m going to stick with the series for a bit in case, as I am told, it gets better later on; I know I’ve made this mistake before, but I’ve only just stopped watching eroge adaptations that “might be light fun”, so you can’t expect me to become totally reformed and flawless in one go.

MANGA

Spiral volume 8: Whilst drooling over the cover art for this volume, I had high hopes for what lay within, and fortunately, I was not disappointed. As Kanone faces off against his former friends, it becomes increasingly clear that everyone is being played by the hand of ‘god’ Kiyotaka, and that he will stop at nothing to prepare Ayumu for his future. In between enjoying the wonderful artwork and the involving storyline, there is little to complain about from this volume of Spiral, and the next one will be gratefully received whenever it turns up.

Tsubasa Chronicle 160: For those of you who have wondered about Fye’s tattoo all this time, an explanation about it is finally here- since Fye is cursed to kill anyone stronger than himself, the tattoo was there to suppress his powers and prevent their growth, so that more potentially powerful magic users would trigger the curse (effectively making Fye a living weapon against enemy spell casters). Other than that little revelation, this chapter is primarily a flashback about how Fye went from being withdrawn and miserable to adopting his better know carefree personality, prior to setting up a fight between Fye and Kurogane in the present.

The important thing is to never resist Cao Cao’s advances.

“All in the name of Pleasure.”

“Still, once the HARD GAY is over, he can look back on the memories of Cao Cao’s Sword and smile.”

“When you said you had a flaming stick to douse in my cool waters, I thought you were talking figuratively!”

“I only wanted HARD GAY with you!”

“This time I promise to give you proper HARD GAY!”

“Are you sure? Last time you let me get my Sword out and then you left me naked in the bedroom for hours!”

“Had I realised you were expecting HARD GAY, I never would have left you like that!”

“Very well, we shall speak no more of this embarrassing matter.”

“Did you hear? Zhuge Liang has invited Pang Tong into his bedchamber!”

“Your HARD GAY prowess is well known throughout the lands.”

“Ah yes, but I heard you were having some trouble in that department- have you managed to overcome it yet?”

“I can’t keep any secrets from you, can I- no matter how embarrassing they are.”

“I have taught Zhou Yu to be a good, submissive lover in the bedroom.”

“He is? That’s good to hear!”

“In the past, Zhou Yu invited me to have HARD GAY with him, but I was unsure of his skill.”

“The same goes for Cao Cao- it’s just so hard to find a man who meets my exacting standards.”

“Sir, Pang Tong has finally agreed to HARD GAY with us!”

“Really? I’ve waited and hoped for this for so long.”

“We shouldn’t waste any time- bring him to my bedchamber at once.”

“Once I take Pang Tong as my lover, I can dump Zhuge Liang!”

Zhou Yu begins seducing Pang Tong by plying him with wine.

“I, er, I mean all the men here would love to see you in my, um, their beds.”

“I can see you desperately want to sleep with me, Zhou Yu, but I can only have HARD GAY with you if you’ll agree to bondage.”

“Bondage, you say?”

Elsewhere, a party of minor characters tries to have group Pleasure without hurting each other.

Taishi Ci, in vacant and motionless mode.

“Please join our Group Pleasure.”

“I shall inform Cao Cao that group sessions have great potential.”

I’ve missed the constant references to chaos.

Cao Cao is surprised when Pang Tong arrives and asks to be his lover.

“Zhou Yu is such an old stick-in-the-mud; he promised me HARD GAY but when I suggested bondage he rejected me!”

“I can see, however, that you are a man who is open to trying new techniques.”

“Gwakakakakaka! This is the best day of my life!”

“I always used to worry that my HARD GAY wasn’t quite good enough, but now that Pang Tong himself has praised my Pleasuring skills, I can have confidence in myself.”

“Still, I’m a little worried that my men aren’t used to HARD GAY at sea.”

“If we use my chains of bondage, this won’t be a problem, and HARD GAY and HORSE can proceed as they would on land.”

“Bondage, eh?”

“I like the sound of that!”

“There’s no time to waste- I must try bondage immediately!”

Another of Pang Tong’s conquests appears.

“Are you servicing Cao Cao these days?”

“It’s true that he and I are lovers now…”

“…but it’s just sex- Liu Bei is the only man I can ever truly love.”

Cao Cao organises a mass HARD GAY session.

“What are you saying? A thousand men is nowhere near enough to satisfy my appetite!”

“Very well, then what about two thousand?”

“That’s still insufficient!”

“Plus I’ll need some lovers who are more skilled than the average generic, or I’ll get bored.”

“Oh, all right then, I’ll make it three thousand- no man can surely service more than that.”

“I must mention that many men are beginning to find Zhou Yu’s HARD GAY unsatisfactory.”

“I’m sure I can convince them to become your lovers instead.”

“You’ll have a harem, and Zhou Yu will be stuck with only Hyper Self Pleasure!”

“Damn you” was judged to be too offensive.

This week in anime, action takes a backseat to sitting and talking, or in the more daring of cases, standing and talking. At least we have the combined excellence of SaiMono, Dennou Coil and Emma to wash away the pain, especially during the wait for non-HD Darker than Black (not that the new computer can’t play them, but the old instincts remain).

Reviewed this week: Cazador 10, Claymore 11, Dennou Coil 4, Koutetsu 8, Love GetChu 7, ROTK 45, RxJ 9, SaiMono II 10, Seirei 9, Polyphonica 2, Emma II 7

…and in manga: Gunslinger Girl 28-30, Tsubasa 156

ANIME

El Cazador de la Bruja 10: Each week I say that El Cazador cannot possibly get any more boring, but somehow, each week it proves me wrong. This time around, our heroines stop off at an Amigo Tacos diner to help a generic man with a shady past that is about to catch up to him- really, it’s getting harder and harder to even pay attention, let alone begin to think about caring. Is there ever going to be any hint of a plot? Why am I even asking?

*HIATUS* Claymore 11: After barely paying attention to this episode, I have decided to put Claymore on hiatus until I come to parody it- it just isn’t engaging me enough to continue with. In this episode, Clare and the others realise that they were assigned to the team because they are the problem children of the ‘organisation’ (so shady and evil that it should be called an Organisation); cue twenty-five minutes of necessary exposition before the group splits up and goes their separate ways for the next arc; likewise, Claymore and I shall go our separate ways for a while.

Dennou Coil 4: I never thought it could happen, but Dennou Coil 4 is so good that it makes the first episode look merely average in comparison. Having introduced herself as a second Yuko, Yuko-Isako’s (Isako becomes her nickname) cold attitude in school soon earns her the ire of Daichi and his gang, who soon plan a series of pranks. What makes the episode so great is seeing Isako effortlessly foil their plots with her advanced techniques, offering yet more insights into the workings of these glasses, and raising yet more questions. Is the fact that Yasako and Isako have the same full names more than coincidence (possibly not, since the kanji are different)? Did the teacher notice or care about the pranks in class, or are her glasses just normal lenses? To what extent does a person’s self exist in the data world instead of the real one? When can I see episode 5?

Koutetsu Sangokushi 8: The HARD GAY continues in this episode, as Wu is forced to decide whether to ally with Wei or go to war with them (let’s just check the history books whilst we’re waiting shall we?) and Zhuge Liang promises to come up with an effective plan that will enable Wu to go on the offence without endangering its people. Nothing much happens in this episode, but it still proves fertile ground for parody with such lines as the transvestite Liu Bei telling Sun Quan he looks girlish.

Love GetChu! 7: I know I keep promising to watch the rest of the series raw, but in the time I haven’t been bothered to get around to it, this series from last Spring has finally had another episode subbed. It’s Yurika’s turn in the round of character development episodes we seem to be having, and with her childhood friend Atari having made his animation debut, she is more desperate than ever to become a voice actress- so much so that she ends up leaving Lambda Eight to join another company. Of course, it doesn’t take much brainpower to predict how it all pans out, but I wasn’t expecting Yurika to also be interested in the male lead, setting up a potential love triangle. Meanwhile, in the next episode we’ll finally get to Amane.

Romance of the Three Kingdoms 45: Thanks to the lengthy delays, ROTK has lost what little appeal it once had, but now that we’re so close to the end, it hardly seems worth dropping it. In this episode, we finally reach the sequence where Pang Tong ‘joins’ Wei and convinces Cao Cao to chain all his ships together so that the Wu fire attack can spread more easily. It’s hard to believe that it’s taken us so long to get to this point, leaving only two episodes for the actual fire attack at Chi Bi to occur.

Romeo X Juliet 9: The Capulet resistance has properly come together, but Francisco speaks for Gonzo when he says that it is best not to move the plot too quickly- instead we must move slowly, with plenty of angst as Montague disapproves of Romeo and Juliet tries to be more useful than her low swordsmanship skills can allow. It’s not the best episode of the series so far, but it is at least solid enough, with parody potential still high.

Saiunkoku Monogatari II 10: After the excellence of episode nine, ten struggles to live up to it, as Shuurei deals with the responsibility of overseeing the doctors and coping with the fact that she is being blamed for the disease. Fortunately, she has Ensei by her side, a character who has really come into his own over the course of the series (even if it is at the expense of Seiran’s screen time). Other scenes of note include Doctor You “shaking his booty”, and a Kourin scene in which nothing more than her appearance and bearing indicates how resolute and mature she has become.

Touching back on last episode, does Yougetsu’s coming out shorten Eigetsu’s life simply because Eigetsu isn’t in control at that point, or does it actually deplete his life at a faster life (for example, if Eigetsu had had the original twenty years and Yougetsu came out for ten, would that be Eigetsu ten, Yougetsu ten, or something like Yougetsu ten, Eigetsu eight?). Also, when Yougetsu said he would only come out when Eigetsu drank alcohol, was that a conscious choice of trigger that he chose to obey, or did he become bound to obey it, even when it isn’t in Eigetsu’s best interests for him to come out?

Seirei no Moribito 9: Whilst Balsa sends Chagum out to play with some generic children so that she can sit and talk with Tanda, in the palace, Shuga spends his time sitting and talking with people, Prince Sagum included. Sadly, any hint of action has long since departed, with even the Eight Evil Men taking a short holiday in Ireland, leaving only bland dialogue as the plot gets stuck in a stagnant whirlpool. Did it all go wrong because I prematurely labelled the series a ‘hit’ on my Production IG review?

Here we see two entries in the beard competition- the long, thing version for stroking, and the overkill five-point Dumbledore deluxe.

Shinkyoku Soukai Polyphonica 2: As feared, Polyphonica is already starting to go downhill in this episode, in which the team investigates a house where a pervert spirit may be spying on the owner whenever she undresses. Although I am compelled to keep watching by virtue of the character designs, the series is already beginning to resemble Yoake in content, a clear indication that light entertainment is about to become dull fluff- especially as we already have a beach episode next time.

Victorian Romance Emma Second Act 7: Provoked by his unexpected yet brief reunion with Emma, William decides to break off the engagement with Eleanor, provoking rumours from all corners ever before the announcement is made official. More so than in the manga, I cannot help but feel sorry for poor Eleanor, hurt as much by William’s indecision and inconsistency as by the fact that her love for him will never truly be returned. Then again, that is what makes this series so good- the fact that it can make you care about the characters in this way.

MANGA

Gunslinger Girl 28-30: The sixth volume of Gunslinger Girl gets off to a flying start in this chapter, which delves into the back story of Jean and Giuseppe before heading off on a new arc about the second generation of cyborg children. Unlike Henrietta and her peers, this group will have lighter conditioning and a complete change of appearance, and it is left to prospective handler Alessandro to pick the girl who will become the prototype for this new generation. As I said in my review of volumes 1-5, the manga continues to show no signs of slowing down, and I simply cannot get enough of it.

Tsubasa Chronicle 156: Thanks to the brevity of each chapter, I have only the vaguest idea of what Tsubasa is trying to convey in the latest chapters, in which we learn about the back story of the ‘cursed twins’ Fye and Yuuhi as they endure abandonment in a cruel empire that blames them for its adverse circumstances. Did young Fye try to kill his brother (or vice versa)? Is the Fye we know now really his brother? I have to admit that I’m more than a little confused on these points.

Despite his shifty and uneven eyes, Cao Cao promises HARD GAY to any man who isn’t foiled by the heroes at the end of the episode.

“In the meantime, here’s 500 generics to whet your appetite for a night with yours truly.”

Defecting was so much easier in those days.

No one caption really captures the possibilities of this sentence.

“Of course I do, for I am Zhuge Liang, a GREAT man who knows all.”

“Like I said, I know everything- this water functions as a non villainous magic CCTV.”

“Sorry, but I find this series unintentionally hilarious.”

“Anyway, getting back to the plot, Zhou Yu knows the two defectors are false, but he plans to sleep with them before revealing that fact.”

“We should go and watch their HARD GAY later.”

“…but in the meantime, let’s have a little session of our own.”

Huang Gai is so important that his every HARD GAY session is recorded.

He has a long history of servicing the Sun family.

“The level of the enemy’s HARD GAY continues to increase.”

“Can you think of any techniques we can use to better them?”

“Leave it to me- my HARD GAY skills won’t fail you.”

“If you wish to fool Cao Cao into believing you have discovered a new version of HARD GAY, you must bear the scars to prove it.”

“Even if I die in the throes of passion, I have lived well.”

In the end, Huang Gai is given vicious HARD GAY by way of Rod.

This drawn out scene helps to reduce the total animation needed for the episode.

Huang Gai, as glimpsed in the throes of painful Pleasure.

Zhuge Liang is forced to make do with Fishing Rod.

“I had hoped to join in the Rod.”

“Gwakakaka, Zhuge Liang is nothing compared to me!”

“This intense Rod was all I could offer them.”

“Thank you for your gentler HARD GAY- it helps to ease the pain of Rod.”

“I’m ready for HARD GAY any time.”

“Don’t go over there- this is the best spot for HARD GAY!”

“I’m not in the mood for HARD GAY at this time of night!”

“I thought Cao Cao was serviced by bold lovers at all hours of the day and night!”

“And here I was going to suggest Huang Gai as your next lover.”

“Ah yes, the man who has mastered painful Rod.”

Fei Wong’s Phrasebook saying #153.

Fei Wong’s Phrasebook saying #79.

“Okay, that’s the obligatory phrases out of the way, now let’s discuss matters of HARD GAY.”

“Of course I didn’t undress in front of Cao Cao- my Sword is too small to be seen by his eyes.”

“Huang Gai is truly an accomplished man of HARD GAY.”

“I can’t wait to sleep with him.”

“Is an old man really able to withstand me in the bedroom?”

“The last thing I want is to be foiled again! Just for one episode I’d like to win- or better yet, let’s end the episode here before I risk failure.”

May has arrived, and that can only mean that the time for pruning many of the series picked up in April is at hand. In the meantime, visit this thread to learn about the world’s most hilariously awful book.

Reviewed this week: Bokurano 3, Cazador 4, Chevalier 22-4, Claymore 5, Darker than Black 4, Heroic Age 5, Nanoha StrikerS 4, Murder Princess 2, Nodame 14, ROTK 44, SaiMono II 4, Seirei no Moribito 2-4, Sisters of Wellber 1

…and in manga: Nothing this week!

ANIME

Bokurano 3: Just as I feared, Bokurano is beginning to feel slow-paced compared to the manga (although truthfully I have to reread the earlier chapters to refresh my memory), and so whilst there is nothing really wrong with this episode, it just couldn’t grab my attention as much as I would like. The episode deals with the aftermath of the first battle in Zearth and Waku’s subsequent death, and as with Death Note I can feel myself thinking “well, it’s a bit slow now, but the next arc will surely be good”. Yes, it’s the same old reaction, but will it be the same outcome of dropping the series partway through?

El Cazador de la Bruja 4: Every episode I hold out hope that the irritating cross-dressers will not return, and each time they dash my hopes by showing up once more for no better reason than that Bee Train doesn’t seem to have come up with any better minor antagonists. This week, Nadie and Ellis take shelter from the cross-dressing bounty hunters in a convent, whilst Rosenberg acts evil and Blue Eyes provides more exposition scenes than are healthy for a single episode. I suppose the best thing that can be said about it is that the episode is more tolerable than the first three, but it still isn’t great.

*COMPLETE* Le Chevalier d’Eon 22-4: I’d already watched these three episodes in raw, but the chance to pick up on any little scraps of information I missed first time around could hardly be ignored as one of my favourite series of recent times officially draws to a close. It may have been far from perfect, and it certainly teetered on the edge of cheese more than once, but at the same time Chevalier was a compelling and addictive experience, weaving a tale of dark mysteries set in an appealing historical setting. Now, if only there could have been more arcs…

Claymore 5: As I’d hoped, Claymore takes a turn for the better as we finally begin the patented Flashback Mode arc, in which we learn how a Claymore named Teresa once found herself reluctantly taking a girl named Clare under her protection. If I was ever to break out words like “1337”, “w1n” and “awesome”, it would surely have to be for Teresa, for whilst she is hardly the most appealing or complex of characters ever to grace an anime, her cool personality and prowess in battle wins her many points for sheer style.

Darker than Black 4: Darker than Black continues to rank highly as the second two-part story draws to a close, in which we learn that Mai is a Contractor ‘in moratorium’ (a state in which the Contractor does not have to fulfil their contract, but cannot control their power), a condition that is a result of her father’s research into suppressing a Contractor’s powers. Once again, the story is an absorbing mix that perfectly blends action and exposition, whilst protagonist Li/Hei seems ever more like Seishirou as he switches between friendly ‘student’ and calculating Contractor.

Heroic Age 5: There’s only so long something can remain inoffensive before it becomes downright boring, and it seems that Heroic Age has finally reached that point. Whilst Age (now oddly endowed with girly eyelashes) fights another Nodos, the Argonaut is kept occupied with a space insect attack and the declining animation proves that the budget is being spent on Age’s transformation sequence. I don’t even know if I’ll watch next week’s episode, but I’ll leave the option open for now.

Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha StrikerS 4: If ever proof was needed that Nanoha is not a series that should be given 26 episodes for a season, then it was this episode, in which it takes no less than twenty minutes just to give the new characters their weapons (I hear that next episode is all about transformation scenes). Why are we subjected to these pointless new characters? This was supposed to be about Nanoha all grown up, not Nanoha all grown up and taking new underage lovers.

In other news, hilariously Nanoha, Fate, Hayate, Vita and Signum all have limiters on their power to stop them owning the enemy too quickly (the excuse being that so many high level mages wouldn’t be allowed in the same unit otherwise), whilst the new characters have special limiters that give them a smooth levelling up curve. Why not just define a nice levelling up curve in RPG Maker and be done with it?

*DROPPED* Murder Princess 2: You know how it is with OVAs- you tell yourself that since the episodes will be released more slowly than a TV series, you’ll be able to handle even a mediocre series by virtue of watching it slowly. Unfortunately, this is simply not always enough to erase the waste of time that some OVAs end up being, and whilst Murder Princess isn’t wholly awful, I just don’t fancy devoting another two hours of my life to watching the last four episodes.

In this instalment, we are subjected to some twenty or so minutes of dull non-events as Faris takes the place of Alita and prepares for her coronation, whilst the real Alita adopts the role of her maid Milano. Only at the very end are we given some action, and whilst it may be good when compared to the rest of the episode and Bee Train’s usual standard of action scenes, it cannot be said to be more than mediocre in the general scheme of things (and it is rather disheartening to see Doctor Dull and his two loli-robots back again). The only good point about this episode is that Faris actually respects and listens to Alita- based on the first episode I expected her to just do whatever she liked and force poor Alita to desperately make herself heard.

Nodame Cantabile 14: Graduation is over, but Chiaki’s troubles are only just beginning when his uncle calls him back to the family home- once a place of music and enjoyment, but now pervaded by a tense and stale atmosphere. Whilst not an episode that is particularly imbued with the things I like best about Nodame, nor does it contain any of the elements I tend to complain about, resulting in a solid if not outstanding effort.

Romance of the Three Kingdoms 44: It’s just as well that ROTK is coming to an end soon, because now it’s beginning to drag. With only three episodes left, it hardly seems as if the Chi Bi arc can be done justice, although expecting a series where Liu Bei is good and Zhou Yu has a twitching eye to do anything justice may be pushing it a little. Let’s just get it over with and learn a valuable lesson- no more watching this sort of retro cheese.

Saiunkoku Monogatari II 4: This week on SaiMono, oranges take on a heretofore unseen plot importance, whilst Kurou gets more lines than ever before and Reishin continues to skulk around in the background. Although solid, this wasn’t my favourite episode of the season so far, although it was entirely worth it for Hyou Riou’s first meeting with Shuurei at the end- he was immediately compelling and terrifying in equal measure.

On another note, I’d also like to see Reishin finally reveal himself to Shuurei since his skulking is getting a bit old now, although at the same time that would be an additional plot thread to deal with when there’s already plenty going on right now.

Seirei no Moribito 2-4: From its solid beginnings, SnM has turned out to be one of the strongest picks of the season, weaving an interesting story into its beautiful setting. From the hints of magic, mystery and intrigue, to action scenes so well-executed that they set a new standard for animated action, SnM has proven to be far more than it first appeared, and I’m all too eager to be taken along for the ride.

In related news, the SnM parodies will be on hiatus, since I feel there are other series in more urgent need of immediate parody attention.

*NEW* Wellber no Monogatari ~Sisters of Wellber 1: Although I wasn’t particularly planning to watch this, I ended up thinking ‘what the hell’ and trying it anyway, although I can sense that my relationship with the series may not be a long one. It’s not that the series is particularly bad, just that I already cannot bring myself to care much about what’s happening on screen as our fugitive princess and female thief set off on their journey.