How I became ‘perverted’

Maintaining a reputation can be difficult sometimes- one minute you’ve convinced everyone you’re as sweet and innocent as they come, the next you’ve gained a reputation for being a bit of a pervert. The latter isn’t true, of course, but how could such a misunderstanding have come about?

Excuses, Excuses

• “I only played that eroge because I was curious after watching the anime adaptation!”
• “I only acquired those game CGs because I like the character designs!”
• “I only read that yaoi manga because it had an interesting sounding title!”
• “These pictures of couples and naked women are just references for my drawing!”
• “I’m only looking at this adult doujin because someone sent it to me!”
• “I know this anime has adult scenes, but I’m watching it for its historical/dramatic/romantic elements!”

I just played that adult game because it had SRPG elements! I just downloaded those naked women because they looked beautiful! I’m just reading this yaoi manga because I liked the title!

Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei: the lost chapters

Sensei is at his desk, but nothing is happening.

Chiri: Sensei, the bell has rung- you should be taking class!

Sensei: There will be no class today! I must finally depart this mortal coil!

Sensei gets out a noose.

Sensei: Last night, I had a marvellous idea- something that would become my life’s work! But when I woke up this morning, I had forgotten it! There’s no point in living anymore!

Kafka: But Sensei, when we forget things, it’s just to make room for new things!

Sensei: Zetsubou shita! This world where great ideas can so easily be forgotten has left me in despair!

• Ideas you think of whilst falling asleep that are forgotten in the morning because you forgot to write them down.
• Forgetting everything you revise when you get into the exam.
• Forgetting a perfect pitch in front of potential investors.
• Freezing up in the middle of a play or recital.
• Unsaved documents lost in a computer crash.
• Priceless works lost to fire or flood.
• Geniuses dying of malnutrition because they forgot to eat.

Shaman King

Ryu receives some HARD GAY encouragement…

…along with a confession.

“I can get much more aroused than that!”

“A truly Zhuge Liang!”

“Don’t act so surprised- I told you I was large!”

Yoh discovers the joys of fetishism.

A perfect HARD GAY moment.

“I need to study those HARD GAY techniques!”

“Ryu, I’m just not into you.”

“You’re not doing it right!”

Len tries to deny any confusion over sexuality.

“Even if you’re not experienced with HARD GAY, we’ll see how it goes.”

“Man or woman, it’s all the same to you.”

Dragons’ Den

Welcome to our regular feature based on the TV program of the same name, in which anime characters try to market their great idea to five fat cats of anime! President Aria made his fortune in the gondola industry of Neo Venezia, and is now CEO of a well-known company. Mikoto started her business in the capital of Wind Bloom, and is now a trusted advisor to the queen, with business partners scattered across the world. Nyanko-sensei is a contract expert who made his fortune in the supernatural business, and whose sharp observations and ruthless manner make him a formidable businessman. Mr Tibbs started his career as a tea cat for the bank, but his sound grasp of finance saw him rise up the ranks until he became one of their most prominent managers. Finally, The Cardinal is the world’s most powerful fat cat, with a wide range of business interests that ensure that he has a paw in every pie (often literally, depending on his appetite). These five cats represent some heavyweight investment clout in every sense of the word, but is any deal attractive enough to get them to roll off their backsides and shake paws with a budding entrepreneur?

Entering the Den this week is Fai D. Flowright, an entrepreneur with an intriguing concept based around discoveries made whilst travelling.

Fai: Hello, my name is Fai, and I’m here to represent Tsubasa Enterprises. We are looking for investment in the procurement and sale of our product, the Sakura Feather. Made of pure memory, these feathers represent an amazing new power source, one that is both renewable and eco-friendly.

Mr Tibbs: When you say procurement, does that mean you aren’t actually making these?

Fai: Well, not as such, no- we just collect them.

Nyanko-sensei: And how hard is it to collect them?

Fai: It’s not without its challenges- but it’s well worth the effort. They make amazing power sources.

Cardinal: Hmm, I do have the manpower to see to their collection, but I have several questions. First, what’s to stop other people from collecting and selling the same product? Do you have an exclusivity contracts?

Fai: Well, I’m travelling with the heroes, so we always get the feathers.

Mikoto: Always? Bear in mind that we have had Fei Wong Reed in here, who I believe you may be familiar with.

Fai: Okay, there have been one or two exceptions, but we do have the monopoly on the market.

Cardinal: Fair enough, but even so, there must be a finite amount of feathers. I’m very wary of investing in a company whose worth will one day just drop to zero- unless of course you have a contingency plan?

Nyanko-sensei: Now wait a minute, I can see some potential here. Is there any way you could research or take control of actual feather production?

Fai: Erm, I…I honestly don’t know.

Aria: Punyu. [Making feathers is obviously going to cost someone their memories. I’m not comfortable with that, and so I’m out.]

Cardinal: To be honest, as you are, you are not investable. If you can find a way to maintain the exclusivity of your product and the longevity of your business, we’d be interested, but as it is, it’s not something that can be scaled to the levels we’re looking at. I think I speak for all of us when I say- I’m out.

Although most of the Dragons were interested in the product, flaws in the business model have discouraged the Dragons, leaving Fai to go home without the investment he was hoping for.

Scenes we’d like to see

Lines you’d never hear in Star Trek

“Captain, there’s a major disaster affecting the Federation- but another starship has taken care of it so we won’t be needed.”

“Everything is as it seems on this idyllic alien planet- let’s enjoy an entire episode of doing nothing.”

“Captain, I’m not going down to the planet with you- this red shirt means I’d be doomed!”

“You know what, Spock, I really can’t be bothered to save the galaxy today- let’s just leave it.”

“Cap’n, the engines are down, the dilithium crystals are shot, and there’s no way I can fix it! I’m goin’ home for the day!”

“The invading aliens don’t seem to be at all interested in Earth! They’re targeting one of the many other planets in the Federation!”

“Does anyone have a map of this place? I seem to be lost on Deck Five.”

“These alien pleasure women are an illogical nightmare, Captain- I’m completely

and utterly sexually exhausted.”

“People of Earth, we have come to share our knowledge and wisdom with you- and there is absolutely no catch! No really, this time you can trust us!”

This Week in Anime

The sight of so many lemons in anime is unprecedented.

Chop!

Squeeze!

But they won’t give up their secrets easily.

And, if given the chance, they will fight back.

HARD GAY- just say no.

When so many fruits come together, something is bound to happen…

…and indeed, within moments a fight has broken out.

“Just because fruits appear all the time in anime, there’s no need to shove it down our throats!”

“I thought everyone liked putting some ‘banana’ in their mouth.”

“Aagh, someone’s having DOG in here!”

“I feel strangely aroused.”

“No one was ever meant to see DOG!”

“Oranges and whites, get your oranges and whites here!”

“I’ll take an orange- I don’t know what whites are.”

“Smile for the camera, orange!”

That fruit basket from earlier somehow jumps series to end up here.

“Oh my god, he’s having WATERMELON!”

“Destroy this abomination at once!”

“Akagi will be along soon.”

Game World Tour: Mana Khemia

Welcome to a world where your dreams of attending a school of alchemy can finally be realised! At the dedicate Al Revis Academy, you will spend three years on campus, learning alchemic synthesis, combat training and survival skills. Unfortunately, you will not be allowed to leave campus from the time you arrive until the time you graduate, but if you do well enough in your studies, you will have plenty of free time to explore and make new friends. Just be warned- slack off in your studies and you’ll get put in detention! So don’t delay, apply to Al-Revis Academy today!

Mini-rant: Why is it always character A’s fault when character B is a complete and utter a-hole? Is it a reflection on Japanese culture?

Forgive the length of the title, but upon watching Antique Bakery episode 8, I was struck by something- how many times in anime have we seen a character complain about someone acting rudely or indifferently towards them, only to be told it’s their fault? Now, whilst I appreciate that interaction is a two-way thing, and that both sides may not be completely blameless, when we see a character acting deplorably, isn’t it the fault of that particular character? Is it merely indicative of the values of politeness, respect, obedience and so forth in Japanese culture that mean we should take it as our own fault when people treat us badly? Shouldn’t we just call them out for being the assholes that they are?

Take Leon in Kaleido Star, for example- he went as far as dropping his partner, and then Sora and May get the blame for not being trusting enough. Personally, I don’t blame them for being wary if he’s going to take it into his head to do something like that.

Harem of the week: Vayne (Mana Khemia)

A quiet and sometimes weak-willed character, Vayne started out pretty indifferent to the world, but still somehow managed to amass girls around him

Harem

Jess: The main girl, classmate and the first one to befriend Vayne when he comes to Al-Revis Academy. Suffers from a mysterious sickness.

Nikki: An outspoken catgirl with super strength and the desire to marry lots of husbands and bear lots of children.

Pamela: A ghost who resides in the school library, Pamela is whimsical and easily distracted.

Anna: A pre-teen master of swords, she is an impeccable samurai but sometimes misinterprets social situations due to her overly serious nature.

Spice and Wolf the game

Missing Spice and Wolf? Then why not imagine what it might be like if the series had its own video game? You’ll take on the role of either Horo or Lawrence as the pair of you travel across the country trading various goods. Collect data on the best places to buy and sell different commodities and slowly build up your fortune. Spend the money on buying shops, recruiting subordinates or just unlocking extras like costumes for the world’s shapeliest wolf girl. The possibilities are endless!

Also available are several mini-games, including the chance to play as Nora and guide sheep and travellers through the wilderness, and a ‘wolf-Horo’ mode where you can fight real time battles against other wolves.

*NEW* Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei: the lost chapters

We were in so much despair over the ending of Zoku Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei that we did the only thing we could- we brought everyone’s favourite despairing teacher over to Azure Flame to continue his bleak outlook on the world. So, over to you, Itoshiki-sensei!

Sensei: Doesn’t it ever get to you how people are always getting ahead of themselves?

• Deciding on a wedding ring while you’re still single.
• Buying textbooks for a course before you apply.
• Picking a name for your website before you sort out hosting.
• Spending your inheritance while your rich aunt is still alive.
• Killing husband before taking out a life insurance policy on him.
• Planning the décor before you buy a house.
• Drafting a letter of resignation before you even get the job.

Kafka: Yes, but isn’t it good to have everything prepared just in case?

Sensei: Zetsubou shita! The society that doesn’t plan properly has left me in despair!

Amatsuki 2-3

“…through the traditional method of HARD GAY!”

“Hands off my Ezo!”

“Does he prefer S…or M?”

“Will you go out with me?”

*NEW* The Jintarou Kyle Show

Welcome to a brand new feature, in which our chat show host, Jintarou Kyle, gets to the bottom of the problems that are tearing anime families apart!

Kyle: Hello and welcome to the Jintarou Kyle show; I’m your host, Jinatarou Kyle. This week, we investigate an increasingly common phenomenon in anime- children who left to live at home without their parents. First on the show we have Tenma and Yakumo from School Rumble. So, Yakumo, am I to understand that you have to look after yourself and your sister?

Yakumo: Yes, that’s right. I do all the cooking and cleaning.

Tenma: Wait a minute- I help!

Yakumo: Nee-san, it’s best if you don’t help.

Kyle: And when was the last time you saw your parents?

Tenma: When we were in elementary school- since then we’ve been living on our own.

Kyle: And is it true that you have to sell your bodies just to afford to pay the bills and keep living in the family home?

Yakumo bursts into tears.

Yakumo: I didn’t want to tell anyone about it, but there was no other way!

Kyle: Well, we have a surprise for you today- your parents are here at the show. Come on out Mr and Mrs Tsukamoto!

The parents emerge to boos from the audience.

Kyle: As we all know, there are two sides to every story, but I think you’ve got a hell of a lot of explaining to do. Why did you leave your two daughters to fend for themselves?

Father: Oh I don’t know- everyone does it.

Kyle: “Everyone does it”. Ladies and gentlemen, there you have it- the most pathetic excuse I have ever heard. With all due respect, sir- and if you don’t mind my saying, that’s very little- what you need to do is get off your backside and take responsibility for your kids!

The audience cheers.

Kyle: Next up on the show, I’ll be talking to the Minami sisters. Ever since their parents vanished, older sister Haruka has had to single-handedly look after her two younger siblings Kana and Chiaki. We’ll be hearing more of her incredible story right after this.

To be continued…

This Week in Anime

Melons!

Aagh, everyone’s turned black and faceless!

“This magic CCTV is sufficient.”

I know this is live action, but who could resist screencapping a car driving through a pile of lemons?

The watermelon overlord plots revenge for all those of his kind who have been smashed open.

“These lemons look as if they’ve been run over by a car.”

Careful, now- apples are the Devil’s Fruit (and not in a One Piece sense).

Here we see strawberries in captivity.

“Yay, giant Purples!”

Okay, I definitely don’t want to eat this…

“Now we take a close up of strawberries in order to observe their social habits.”

Eggplants make a stand for more screentime.

Even Neo Venezia isn’t safe from the fruit.

“Care to try some mushrooms? A man from Sunrise Studio sold them to me.”

“This is just getting ridiculous now.”

“How can you say that? Fruit and anime go hand in hand!”

Okay, so maybe there are reasons why you wouldn’t want to go dancing…

HARD GAY corner: Star Ocean 3

After being stranded alone on an alien planet, Fayt Leingod was more than pleased to be rescued by the muscular arms of Cliff Fittir, who taught him the ways of being a real man. Even so, over time, Cliff was no longer enough, and so on the planet Elicoor II, Fayt began plotting how to recruit more lovers. Despite the interference of women, Fayt was able to catch the eyes of the manly Adray and the bishie Albel- even going so far as to permanently recruit Albel into his party by means of a late night encounter in Peterny Inn. Indeed, with his ‘Blade of Fury’ and his ‘Blazing Sword’, there were few who could match Fayt in the bedroom, but it was his raging libido that gave him the strength to save the universe.

Mini-rant: 50Hz is so damn slow!

It’s time for a bit of a gaming rant this week, as I go into one about the disadvantages of being in the gaming backwater that is the UK. Being the cheapskate that I am, I usually forego importing games in favour of picking up a cheap PAL copy, and all too often, the conversion from NTSC leaves much to be desired. I should be happy, then, that more and more games are offering a 60Hz mode, but it makes going back to 50Hz all that much more difficult.

The biggest offender is- and always has been- Square Enix (or just plain Square back in the old days), who seem to delight in creating poor conversions that make the 50Hz player feel like they’re gaming in some kind of treacle-filled universe. Even the real-time battle system of Star Ocean 3 feels a bit slow under these conditions (especially as I played SO2 at about 100 frames per second in parts), whilst turn-based RPGs like FFIX sometimes seem slow enough that you could do a bit of light reading between turns. Isn’t bad enough that we have to wait so long for games without having to put up with this?

Harem of the week: Okazaki Tomoya (Clannad)

He may not have got any ero-scenes, but Tomoya was still granted plenty of opportunities to add to his harem, as befits a Key lead.

Harem

Nagisa: The main girl and ultimate winner in the after story, her determination belies her weak constitution.

Kyou: The tsundere, and manga’s favourite.

Ryou: Kyou’s sister, the quieter and more amiable one.

Tomoyo: Aspiring school president, she tries to hide her immense strength.

Fuuko: Obligatory loli ghost/projection of a girl in a coma.

Kotomi: Genius girl with a tragic past.

Rivals

Akio: Nagisa’s father, very protective of his daughter.

Sunohara: A friend and almost harem member despite being male, but nonetheless has his designs on the girls in the non-HARD GAY scenario.

• Fat cats: really, what better reason could there be to watch a series than because it has overweight felines in it? It was this that brought me to Stratos 4, and kept me going with Mai-Otome.
• Title: if the mere title of a series sounds interesting, or simply vaguely like something that I already like, I feel oddly drawn to it.
• Music: a good OP sequence or soundtrack is a sure-fire way to draw one into watching a particular series.
• Promotional artwork: likewise, I’m a sucker for a nice character design, although after various eroge adaptations I’ve learned to be more wary.

So, does anyone else experience this, or am I alone in my strange need to pick series based on such flimsy reasoning?

Sisters of Wellber 13

Gernia offers a perfectly logical reason for murdering women with blue eyes.

“What else could I do except re-enact the ending of School Days?”

Erm, I hate to say this- but you’re talking to a doll.

“I shall not permit any man with a Zhuger Liang than mine to live!”

“Won’t you stay for a cup of tea?”

“Sorry, Gernia, but it’s HARD GAY time!”

Here we see the characters escaping from the burning castle by having their tower shot down- don’t try this at home.

Dragons’ Den
Welcome to our regular feature based on the TV program of the same name, in which anime characters try to market their great idea to five fat cats of anime! President Aria made his fortune in the gondola industry of Neo Venezia, and is now CEO of a well-known company. Mikoto started her business in the capital of Wind Bloom, and is now a trusted advisor to the queen, with business partners scattered across the world. The Admiral’s first business venture was to invest in a Chinese restaurant, but a meteor threat to Earth saw her buy shares in ground and space based defence technology, which she currently administers with her protégé “The General” (aka Shogun). Mr Tibbs started his career as a tea cat for the bank, but his sound grasp of finance saw him rise up the ranks until he became one of their most prominent managers. Finally, The Cardinal is the world’s most powerful fat cat, with a wide range of business interests that ensure that he has a paw in every pie (often literally, depending on his appetite). These five cats represent some heavyweight investment clout in every sense of the word, but is any deal attractive enough to get them to roll off their backsides and shake paws with a budding entrepreneur?

Next into the Den is Roger Smith from Big O, who is here to sell his unique selection of gadgets. The Dragons are known for liking technology which makes life easier for them, but will Roger’s selection of goodies tickle their fancy?

Roger: Hello Dragons, I’m Roger Smith and I’m here to ask for investment in my unique selection of gadgets, including the colour-change armoured car, the jet propelled suitcase, the wristwatch communicator and our main product, the Big O.

Cardinal: Hmm, I’m very interested in the armoured car, but how does the deal work? Do we get a share in all these products, as well as any future ones developed by your company?

Roger: Right now, I’m pitching for the products you see in front of you- we’d have to negotiate anything else on a case-by-case basis.

Aria: Punyu? [How much time do you intend to spend on developing new products and marketing the existing ones?]

Roger: Well, marketing is basically handled by going out in Big O and fighting giant monsters- it’s hard work, but pretty high profile.

Mikoto: Hmm, I’d like to hire you to fight the giant monsters that keep showing up in and around Wind Bloom.

Roger has an offer already, but will any of the other Dragons offer a more tempting deal?

Admiral: Actually, I’d like to use the Big O to defend the Earth against meteors.

Mr Tibbs: I hear that he once defended a bank against having its printing plates stolen, so I’m interested too.

The Cardinal: I would also like to express my interest.

Aria: Punyu. [I’ll make this easy for you- this isn’t something I can sell in Neo Venezia, so I’m out.]

Four Dragons have now made offers, but which will Roger choose?

Roger: I’d like to thank you all for your offers, and I’m sure we can work out something where we all benefit.

With his negotiation skills standing him in good stead, Roger is on the verge of making a record-breaking deal in the Den! Will the next entrepreneur fare as well?

This Week in Anime

Ever since they took centre stage in Romeo X Juliet, anime characters have been keeping a close watch on grape affairs.

New mecha design comes with inbuilt ‘melons’

Lemon trio enjoys a romantic lunch.

An apple reconnaissance squad is caught and confined to a basket after a failed mission.

How many times do I have to remind you not to get gremlins wet?

Fruit basket spotted hiding amongst the flowers.

“I have to admit I’m getting sick and tired of the apple diet.”

“Must…finish…shogi…game…before…I…die…”

Ogiue tries some Disgaea cosplay.

Another orange returns from the Antarctic mission.

Who needs an Apple when you can have a Cherry?

“Noooo- why did you eat so much cherry pie?”

“Yeah, he’s a novice at HARD GAY.”

Another victim of cherry pie addiction is discovered.

“…we won’t improve our waltz if we don’t practice every day.”

Kaiji auditions for a role in the new Alien movie.

“Coming soon to cable and satellite- When Big Butts Go Wrong.”

Flash Game Review: Chocolatier
If you love chocolate, what could be more fun than trying to revive a world renowned chocolate company? Well, lots of things, actually, but Chocolatier (deluxe trial – crippled free version) is an interesting diversion. The idea of the game is to restore the former greatness of a chocolate company by travelling the world, collecting ingredients and recipes, and then going back to your factory to create delicious products for sale. This story mode makes up half the game play, but the full version also allows you to go into the factory and set the rate of chocolate production by firing ingredients into the machine in the right proportion- the more complete sets you make, the faster the automatic production rate will be. It is this combination of action/puzzle and story mode elements that makes the game so fun, although it can sometimes be irritating when you don’t know where to go to advance the story, or you can’t remember which city to visit to pick up the cacao beans you need (especially as specialty ingredients deteriorate over time, and each ship journey to a new port costs precious cash). Nonetheless, despite these slight annoyances, the ability to play a game about delicious chocolate is well worth indulging in.

Mini-rant: Why I hate the castle levels on Samurai Warriors
Forget pseudo-intellectual arguments; this week I need to have a good old rant, unsurprisingly about the titular castle levels in Samurai Warriors. Now in fact, I haven’t played Samurai Warriors in a while, but my hatred of the castle levels remains strong, and for that reason, I shall not shy away from complaining about them.

As most will already know, the –Warriors (aka –Musou) series of games are all based on one simple gameplay idea- taking a named character and carving up hordes of enemy troops on level upon level. So far, so good- it may be repetitive, but it also happens to be highly addictive, so much so that dedicated fans will buy add-ons and minor upgrades of what is effectively the same game time after time. Unfortunately, when it came to the Samurai Warriors series, the developers decided to add a little variety- in the form of indoor ‘castle levels’.

Castle levels bring a whole new brand of evil to the game, for not only are they more strictly timed than outdoor levels (and completely lacking in the option to save in-level), but they also seem to have been designed by a uniquely cruel bunch of sadists. Whilst the time ominously ticks down in the upper right hand corner, you find yourself trapped in a maze-like construction of identical rooms, all filled with enemies and generals. You must hack and slash your way through multiple floors of the castle- all the while trying to avoid such innovations as spiked floors and various other traps- in a desperate attempt to complete the level before either your time runs out, or your precious health bar depletes to zero. You can’t even enjoy the wholesale slaughter of generics, because the stress of the time bar forces you to devote your energies to running away so that you can get through the level as quickly as possible- although of course if you then fail to kill a particular general, you’ll probably have to go back and find him to open up the passageway onwards.

Much as they were meant to be a refreshing new angle on gameplay, then, the verdict on castle levels can only be a harsh one- the are neither fun nor enjoyable, merely an evil that must be cleared as quickly as possible, and then left well alone.

Reverse Harem of the week: Kou Shuurei (Saiukoku Monogatari)
In the Land of Many Coloured Bishies, the brave and idealistic Kou Shuurei was able to amass quite a harem, whilst still leaving men over for the other female characters to choose from.

Harem
Ryuuki: Emperor of Saiunkoku, Ryuuki falls in love with Shuurei when she first comes to the palace, and pursues her from then on.
Seiran: Childhood friend and protector.
Ensei: The rough around the edges older man who is solid, dependable and supportive.
Kouyuu: Claims to hate women, but is a candidate for an arranged marriage with Shuurei.
Reishin: Shuurei’s uncle, he has an overprotectiveness towards his niece that includes vowing to marry her to keep her safe from other men.
Ryuuren: An eccentric genius who considers Shuurei one of his soul friends.
Sakujun: A creepy bishounen who falls for Shuurei’s innocent charms.
Santa: A minor character and possible arranged marriage candidate.
Tan-tan: Accompanies Shuurei in the latest arcs, his job is to counter her naïveté by showing her how the world really works.

Rivals
Jyuusan-hime: The ‘thirteenth princess’ of the Ran clan, a proposed bride for Ryuuki.

Crocheting: the manga

Tuesday Rumble is a piece traditionally inspired by random comments from others, and so today I would like to draw on the words of 0rion from Epic Win’s Kaiji 12-14 post-

“Fukumoto is a frickin’ genius! He could probably make a crocheting contest seem gripping and intense”

With this in mind, there seemed no better time to imagine a world where he had indeed created such a crocheting manga- and so I present to you “Crochet Master Gon”, a tale of daring and betrayal in the world of crochet.

Once the province of grannies and people with nothing better to do, crochet has somehow become popular amongst the yakuza, who take their lace doilies and table cloths very seriously- so much so that they aren’t impressed when twenty-three year old Gon starts muscling in on their territory. With his bold new patterns and designs, Gon threatens to shake the very foundations of the crochet world, forcing the best of the yakuza to challenge him to crochet duels- man on man, needle on needle.

Upcoming arcs include-

• Doily arc: In the village hall, Gon and the yakuza sit in silence creating their lace doilies. The first person to make a sound will be disqualified, but other than that, anything goes- who will give in?
• Lace escape: Gon and his rivals must descend the sheer outer face of a high rise hotel using only crochet stitches to slowly let themselves down. Should Gon make a rope to get down quickly, or will he crochet a hammock to carry an injured friend?
• Ultimate pattern: Gon faces off against a powerful boss who insists that he follows a complicated pattern perfectly- for each mistake, a punishment game must be played.

Look out for this exciting new manga, to be followed by an anime adaptation from Madhouse- you won’t want to miss a second of nail-biting crochet action!

Shion no Ou 11

“Girl-on-girl action with three in a bed? This I gotta see!”

“Don’t worry, all the perverts out there can log onto our premium rate streaming video service.”

Ayumi worries that this HARD YURI Pleasure session will expose his status as a trap.

The pimp awaits his women.

Dragons’ Den: The Harvest Moon Experience
Welcome to a new feature based on the TV program of the same name, in which anime characters try to market their great idea to five fat cats of anime! President Aria made his fortune in the gondola industry of Neo Venezia, and is now CEO of a well-known company. Mikoto started her business in the capital of Wind Bloom, and is now a trusted advisor to the queen, with business partners scattered across the world. The Admiral’s first business venture was to invest in a Chinese restaurant, but a meteor threat to Earth saw her buy shares in ground and space based defence technology, which she currently administers with her protégé “The General” (aka Shogun). Mr Tibbs started his career as a tea cat for the bank, but his sound grasp of finance saw him rise up the ranks until he became one of their most prominent managers. Finally, The Cardinal is the world’s most powerful fat cat, with a wide range of business interests that ensure that he has a paw in every pie (often literally, depending on his appetite). These five cats represent some heavyweight investment clout in every sense of the word, but is any deal attractive enough to get them to roll of their backsides and shake paws with a budding entrepreneur?

Our latest entrant into the Den is farmer Anton from Grunty Farm, who has already made a name for himself with his successful farming business. Can his latest proposal win over the Dragons?

Anton: Hello, my name is Anton, and I’m here today to advertise the Harvest Moon experience. With this unique opportunity, customers can actually see what it’s like to run their own farm- we give them some seeds and an empty plot of land, and tell them to get started. We’ve already had some high profile customers such as Romeo of Romeo X Juliet, but we’re now looking to take our business to the next level with the aid of your investment.

Mikoto: Why would anyone want to bother with farming? I mean, you have to water all the crops and feed all the animals- and just when you’ve got it all over with and gone to bed, it’s time to get up and do it all again!

Anton: But that’s exactly what people like about it- the feeling of building up something and then tending to it in every stage of its development.

Mikoto: Anton, listen to me- I’ve read your diary and I know how much you hated the monotony too, so I’m out.

Mikoto is out already! Can Anton convince anyone that his idea is worth investing in?

Mr Tibbs: Look, Anton, as a banking sort of cat I like to stay indoors- I really don’t think an outdoor investment is for me, so I’m also out.

Anton: Okay.

Aria: Punyu? [How many people do you think will be interested in this?]

Anton: Well, with the right marketing strategy, I’m sure many people will want to give it a go.

Admiral: You know, the way I see it, this is just an excuse to get people to run your farm for you.

Anton: Of course not! I genuinely want to give people a new, unique experience.

Cardinal: You know, I’m actually quite intrigued by this idea, and I’d certainly like to come onboard to help you think up new ideas and experiences beyond the basic Harvest Moon choices. All I’ll want in return is a healthy supply of meat from the farm.

Anton: Well, uh, I’m not actually allowed to slaughter my animals…

The Cardinal has made a generous offer, but Anton seems unwilling to negotiate! Is this the end of his time in the Den?

Cardinal: In that case, I think I can safely say that you won’t be getting any of us fat cats interested in your business, and so I’m also out.

Anton has failed to sell the Harvest Moon experience to the Dragons! Is there a market for real-life farming situations?

This Week in Anime

Go board spotted in Oh! Edo Rocket.

Pizza Hut continues to exert its hold over Darker than Black.

Amber tries to change her co-stars’ pizza-eating ways by introducing them to healthy apples.

New portable alternative to HORSE is discovered.

Melons prove to be a hit in Gash Bell.

Various fruits ally to recruit a new human agent.

Rubber duck prepares to commence a long, lonely journey out to sea.

Another person falls to the evils of grapes.

Oranges begin their takeover of Lucky Star.

An exclusive preview of the next arc of Akagi is screened.

*NEW* Flash Game Review: Yellow Out

I can’t help it- people show me Flash games and for brief periods of time I become addicted to them. For that reason, I must introduce them to everyone via Tuesday Rumble, starting with this puzzle game- Yellow Out. The aim of the game is to move cars back and forth in order to get the yellow car out of the parking lot, and the fewer moves you take to achieve this, the more points you’ll earn. There are sixty levels to complete, and happily if you have to shut down your computer or quickly close your window because the boss might see you, you can pick which level you want to start from (although you’ll lose all your accumulated points). Difficulty ranges from the straightforward to the frustrating, but sadly once you’ve done all sixty levels (which took me a few hours in between doing other stuff), there’s little incentive to play again. Still, it’s fun while it lasts.

Mini-rant: Gaming on mobile- what’s the point?
Last summer, in the grip of Ratchet and Clank fever, I bought R&C: Going Mobile for my mobile phone. Several minutes later, and my inability to perform simple wall jumps and swing-shot manoeuvres on level one brought my relationship with the newly purchased game to a swift yet definite demise. And I couldn’t help wondering- apart from the old classics like Snake, what exactly is there to be gained from trying to play games on your mobile?

To quote from Blackadder, “today’s fashion is towards the tiny”, and indeed the minuscule keypad of a mobile phone is hardly the place to be coordinating complex button combinations whilst squinting at tiny characters on the screen. If one desires handheld gaming, then just invest in a DS or PSP and some real games to play on them (finances permitting, of course). Perhaps I’m just bitter at having a bad experience, but let’s get real here- let’s leave mobiles to perform the function they were originally intended for.

Harem of the week: Aya Mikage (Ceres, Celestial Legend)
Since her body contained both her own soul and that of her tennyo ancestor Ceres, Aya was double the woman most others could aspire to be.

Harem
Toya: The main man in the harem, Toya was the sexy mysterious bishounen who turned out not only to be not even human, but who was actually born to find Aya.
Yuhi Aogiri: The ‘nice guy’ who always ends up being ‘just good friends’ with the lead girl.
Aki/Mikagi: Aya’s brother, he became infected with feelings of siscon after the feelings of his ancestor Mikagi took over his mind.
Kei: A manga-only character who came onto Aya.

Amusing Search Terms- now with 90% less perversion
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“burst angel” sei “her breasts: have a tendency to fall out.

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what happen on october 12th?: Well, I seem to have posted a weekly round-up, I might have gone dancing, it’s all good…

The Higurashi Cookbook

With the numerous cookbooks and cooking shows on TV, it can be hard for novice chefs to know just where they should start. Worry no longer, however, for we have just the solution- in the form of the comprehensive and easy to use Higurashi Cookbook! And here on Tuesday Rumble, we have been given exclusive permission to reprint extracts from this, the newest contender on the culinary literature market.

• Now remember, when making snacks, be sure to push the needles in as far as they will go. The last thing you need is your hapless victims realising what they are about to bite into.
• Bitter-tasting poisons add a nice spice to the traditional bento box, and should be readily employed alongside more conventional sauces and flavourings.
• When preparing meat, be sure to use a nice, sharp cleaver. There’s nothing more rewarding than chopping it up into nice, small chunks. Also note that rare steak is in this season; the bloodier the better.
• The Oyashiro-sama platter requires extensive preparation, but once you get the knack of disembowelling the animal, you will be well on your way to preparing this most rare of delicacies.
• Don’t throw away those bits and pieces left over after a nice long torture session- toss them all into the pot and boil them all up for a tasty soup.

Pick up these and other handy food preparation tips in the Higurashi Cookbook- on sale now from all good retailers!

The Nice Boat Panel

Especially for this week’s Tuesday Rumble, we showed the ‘nice boat’ replacement for School Days 12 to a test audience, who were specifically told that this was the real final episode. Let’s see their reactions.

A: If you ask me, this was the best episode of the series, although I think the studio was quite bold to switch to entirely live action.

B: Yes, it certainly beats everything Gainax has come up with.

C: I don’t know about you guys, but I had a hard time making out the characters, who I assume were meant to be inside the boat.

B: What was that boat all about anyway? Was it meant to be a metaphor for something?

A: Of course it was! Couldn’t you see that it symbolised how the leads had thrown away their youthful innocence in favour of short-term gratification?

C: I thought it was a ferry taking Makoto across the Styx.

A: No, no, that’s way too obvious- you’ve got to look deeper.

B: Hey, you don’t think that this wasn’t actually the final episode of School Days, do you?

A: Don’t be stupid! This ending fits the series perfectly!

At this point, our panel is told the truth

A: Oh… [signs off]

B: Wow, the real ending has a nice boat too!

C: Which was the real ending again?

Sister of Wellber 8

“Give me HARD GAY!”

“Ah thank you, and what a worthy sword it is too.”

“It is completely alien to those of us who prefer men.”

“And now I suppose you want something in return for the HARD GAY.”

“Oh come on, we’ve had HARD GAY ever since we were children.”

“But since then, it’s been hard to find the time.”

“And now that you are carrying my child, you probably won’t want to do it too often.”

“You fool- my Sword is more than a match for yours even if I am pregnant!”

“Feel my Blade!”

“Oh yes, that’s good!”

“And now for the climax!”

“Ah yes, HARD GAY is truly for me- in fact, I hate women so much that I have started murdering them.”

Meanwhile, Tina is ready for some HARD YURI.

“Just get undressed already!”

“He fears that the Prince is overexerting himself, and that it may damage the baby.”

No mention of this series would be complete without a touch of HORSE.

Random Thoughts: Alphonse Elric

This week we talk to Al of Fullmetal Alchemist! Al, how did you feel when you landed your breakout role- and were then told that you’d be spending the series as a suit of armour?

Well, of course it wasn’t quite what I imagined, but sometimes you have to take a chance and work with what you’re given. I think it turned out well overall, and it’s certainly made me a household name, even if no one ever seems to buy my merchandise. I mean come on people, please at least get one of my die-cut key rings.

Did you ever think of using your uniqueness to your advantage to land roles in other series as a mech?

It’s funny that you should ask that, because I did go on Utawarerumono for a bit- I was Kuuya’s Avu Kamuu, and the guys from Lab 5 played Hien and Hau’s armours. You might have also spotted me on Busou Renkin, but I didn’t want to take too many roles because there’s always a danger of being typecast.

Ah yes, of course. Do you think you’ll ever go down the armour route again, or are you happy in your own body?

I’m very happy with my work as a suit of armour, but in my mind that’s over and done with now. I want to see what I can do with my own strength, instead of being picked because I happen to be large and metallic.

Did you ever think it was more than coincidence that come rain or shine, your blood seal never washed away?

I was worried about that at first, and because the producers wanted that emotion in my performance, they never really reassured me. I think it really honed my performance, but in retrospect I realise they wouldn’t let one of their stars get killed on set.

And finally, do you have any juicy secrets about Ed that you’d like to reveal to us?

Nii-san would kill me if I said anything!

This Week in Anime

“Friends, I am here to save you.”

“I know I suggested experimenting with Mallet, but this isn’t quite what I had in mind.”

“Tea!? I hate tea!”

Note the cross-shape on the cat’s face, a clear indication of a Mikoto-type.

“So anyway, like I was saying- these apples are nutritious and delicious!”

A new Fruit Alliance is formed.

Anime World Tour: Higurashi no Naku Koro ni

Welcome to Hinamizawa, a quiet 1980s village perfect for taking a relaxing break from the stress of modern city life! Enjoy the sights and sounds of this unique village, and stay for our annual Watanagashi festival, featuring good food, good fun and dancing from our own Furude Rika! Visit Hinamizawa now, and enjoy wholesome fun for everyone!

Please note: in most a scant handful of insignificant realities, there is a chance that you may get bloodily murdered by the psychotic residents. We are required by law to warn you of this, but in truth the risk is very real minimal and will most likely end in your death not affect your stay.

OST spotlight: Makai Kingdom

As I said yesterday, Makai Kingdom was bereft of the input of composer Tenpei Sato, but whilst this makes it weaker than the average NIS game soundtrack, it isn’t as bad as everyone makes out. Admittedly, there’s a lot of looping and stretches of filler tracks, but nonetheless the music manages to retain that quirky Netherworld atmosphere, and it even tosses in some catchy action themes along the way. It’s perfect music for easy background listening- not worthy of the bulk of your attention, but a nice accompaniment to whatever work you may be doing at the time.

Notable tracks: The Devil’s Entrance, Darkness Darkness, Alexander the God of Destruction, Makai Fusion, Quiet Tension

Mini-rant: Answering back to Answerman

Answerman has angried up my blood for a long time, but never before did I feel compelled to write about it- until today (or rather last week, but I ran out of time). He’s always been grumpy, grouchy and inclined to jump down the throats of people who dare to disagree with him and the Great ANN-ADV Alliance, but finally the balance has been tipped by ill-timed venturing onto the forums. Like a troll with the power and right to be there, Answerman moves between threads, ready to spread sarcastic comments wherever he goes. Now personally, I couldn’t care less whether not his opinion coincides with mine- what really gets on my wick, so to speak, is the way he so takes against anyone who doesn’t appreciate that he is right and all-knowing. Worse yet, whenever he writes a filler column revisiting old questions and answers, he routinely admits that he either lied or didn’t know what he was talking about- quite ironic for someone who puts himself on such a pedestal.

Anyway, for the good of all I tend not to read Answerman anymore, but I just had to write this self-indulgent little rant, and now let us imagine Answerman’s reply were he to read this-

“Oh whoop-de-do, I got flamed by some wannabe writer from an insignificant blog at the back end of the internet- I really will be losing sleep tonight! Go and get a life, sister- you don’t like me, deal with it. And don’t put words into my mouth, you aren’t the remotest bit funny.”

In Your Reflection

This week, we see a head-to-head between two black and white pairs of creatures- the Mokonas from Tsubasa/xxxHOliC and the Usas from Magical Pokan. Both are paired magical creatures with special abilities and a generally laid back attitude, although the Mokonas are somewhat more impressive in that they can talk, move items between dimensions and even have their own plushies.

Amusing Search Terms

Old favourites: Romance of the Three Kingdoms Goes Hentai

december may romance: it’s not really the time of year for that.

anime expecting mother: erm, okay…

when did claymore go downhill: It was around about the OP, I feel.

garra and naruto making out: Sometimes you just have to laugh.

x parodies: For x, insert parody title here.

manga+face of emotion+rpg maker: It’s like some sort of bizarre word association.

lu xun x gan ning: Oh come on, Gan Ning is Zhou Yu’s bitch and everyone knows it.

anime watches girls: it does?

fat anime girls: all I can say is “hmm”

“ways of hard gay”: Yes, you must learn the ways.

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Eric knows how to lay it down, he da man, brudda.

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That just about covers it, then.

Useless Gaming FAQ Advice

Picture the scene- you’re so hideously stuck on a game that you just have to refer to a FAQ (or you’re just lazy), but instead of the detailed strategies you were hoping for, there is a statement so blatantly obvious it need never have been written in the first place. Here are some examples of the sort of frustratingly useless gaming advice you wish you’d never read.

• In this battle, what you need to do is beat the boss if you want to win.
• If your hero is at level 99, this battle will be easier than it would have been at level 50.
• If you’ve completed every optional quest and spent eighty hours levelling up, this battle will be easy; otherwise it will be impossible. Good luck.
• In order to defeat this enemy, just keeping attacking it until its HP reaches zero.
• This battle is very difficult, but if you keep trying, you will eventually win.
• If you get game over, you will have to reload and try again.

Final Fantasy Tactics: A remake for the 21^st century

As you may or may not know, there is now a PSP remake of Final Fantasy Tactics featuring various tweaks for the gameplay and character, but let’s ignore that and imagine how we could remake the enjoyable yet often hard FFT into something more suited for the “dumbed down” modern gamer.

• Increase party limit from five to fifteen, with the ability to switch characters in and out of battle at will or if a character dies. The maximum number of recruitable characters is now 99.
• When attacked, your characters have a 100% chance of dodging the attacking and countering with a deathblow.
• Skills are easier to learn, and everyone can have simultaneous access to every skill.
• Enemies never counterattack, and whilst they are affected by terrain, all of your characters are immune to such hindrances.
• There is no longer a time delay when allies cast magic, but enemies take at least ten turns to cast.
• Auto-Life, Auto-Regen and Auto-Reflect are switched on for every boss battle.
• New characters start at the same level as the main character, regardless of when they are recruited.
• Enemy levels scale with yours, so that they are always twenty levels below you.
• Shops give away items for free.
• If your party is wiped out, they are immediately revived, whilst the enemy units take damage equal to the HP used to revive them.

Mobile Suit Gundam

Someone has a rather large ego.

“Damn him! Now I might actually have to do something!”

(”I can’t believe they’ve replaced the bartender with a guy on a screen- talk about cost cutting.”)

“Everyone, let’s play Yu-Gi-Oh!”

“Don’t you think that’s going a bit overboard?”

“…and I know it!”

“We totally didn’t borrow this design from Star Trek.”

“It’s not supposed to break down- I’m the main character!”

Someone forgot to draw in the pupils…

…but with a bit of editing, it’s all better.

Random Thoughts: Zhuge Liang

This week we talk to Zhuge Liang, historical figure and star of both the ROTK anime and Koutetsu Sangokushi! Zhuge, would you like to talk a bit about your roles in both series?

Well, in ROTK I didn’t come in until later, but that was just to stop viewers from being overcome by my awesomeness. Once I started taking an active role, ratings really soared- and for good reason. All-in-all, I’m glad we were able to bring viewers such a historically accurate account of the Three Kingdoms era.

In Koutetsu, we’re trying to do something a bit different, with emphasis on my superiority, greatness and inexplicable magical powers. Basically, the idea behind the series is just to hire as many good looking men for me to sleep with as possible, and then ad-lib a script whenever we’re filming.

Is it true that you’re all-knowing, or are you just putting it on for the cameras?

How dare you even ask such a thing!? Of course I am all knowing- I am Zhuge Liang, son of God!

Out of your many partners, who is best in the bedroom?

It’s so hard to choose- I mean you’ve got Lu Xun’s youthful and innocent vigour, which is nice, but then there are times when you just want Pleasure with an experienced lover like Zhou Yu who knows exactly how to give you what you want.

How do you justify the complete lack of women in Koutetsu Sangokushi?

Women are unimportant- I only desire MEN.

And finally, how do you feel about your name now being as a synonym for “Huge Wang”?

It seems appropriate, given my mighty size. Would you like to see it?

Uh, I think I’ll pass.

This Week in Anime

Even though it’s meant to be Yeager, from certain angles it looks like Kevin Keegan.

The Pizza Hut invasion continues in Darker than Black.

Mao certainly seems to be getting fat on Pizza Hut.

Fruit is never far from the action.

Some people will do anything for sweet, sweet peaches.

Grapes infiltrate the Great Refrigerator.

HARD GAY corner: Lodoss War TV

On his continuing quest for HARD GAY, Parn hones his Sword skills and takes on lovers both old and new, from King Kashue and the well-endowed Ashram, to “berserker in the bedroom” Orson and “master of Staff” Cecil. Meanwhile, in the land of Flaim, a young knight-in-training named Spark practises HARD GAY from a young age, eventually growing up enough to be able to take partners such as “rough and ready” Garrack and “quietly Zhuge” Aldonova. In a surprise turn of events, however, Spark heralds the emergence of a new era by turning BI and also including women in his party, forcing Parn to return to the story and show the young man that Sword is always best.

OST spotlight: Ghost in the Shell Stand Alone Complex OST 2

Yoko Kanno showcases her talent at jazz composition in this soundtrack, my favourite of all the SAC OSTs to be released so far. Whilst not every track is on the mark (one in particular consists of what sounds like bees buzzing an anthem), when the powerful strains of origa’s Rise or one of the many other powerful vocal themes are reached, all weaknesses can be forgiven.

Notable tracks: Rise, I Can’t Be Cool, Psychedelic Soul, What’s it For, Living Inside the Shell

Mini-rant: Scanlators and e-Liangs

Inspired by this post, I decided to construct a self-serving rant of my own about the difficulty of “acquiring” manga from certain scanlation groups. Now, perhaps I should become less lazy and get on with improving my Japanese to a point where I can tackle the manga raw, maybe I should bow and scrape to the people who translate series I wouldn’t be able to read otherwise, but the real annoyance is- if you’ve gone to the trouble of releasing manga (presumably for fans to read), why make it so difficult to get hold of? I don’t mind going into IRC, or having to wait a few days- what I do mind is being asked to make n posts on a forum I have little to no interest in. If I wanted to post on your forums, I would be doing so already, and I don’t take kindly to being forced to do so.

In short, someone who is illegally scanning and translating manga doesn’t really have much ground with which to feel superior to the leechers they are doing it for- and if you aren’t doing it for said leechers, don’t bother to even advertise the fact that you’ve made such a release for everyone to see.

Reverse Harem of the week: Miaka Yuki (Fushigi Yugi)

When she went to another world, she was quick to amass bishounen to protect her, with her chirpy personality proving oddly attractive to them all.

Harem

Tamahome: The main guy and one she eventually ends up, their relationship went through a lot of angst before finally overcoming even the plot.

Hotohori: The emperor and second man, Hotohori adored Miaka and even challenged Tamahome for her, but eventually settled for an offscreen role with an abruptly introduced wife.

Nuriko: A cross-dresser who developed a crush on Hotohori, he nonetheless eventually admitted that the male part of his personality loved Miaka, causing him to make the ultimate sacrifice for her.

Chichiri: A priest and magic user with a dark past; not romantically attracted to Miaka but still one of her destined bishounen.

Tasuki: A hot-headed bandit who claimed to hate women until his hidden feelings for her were exposed by an enemy spell.

Mitsukake: A quiet doctor who lost his beloved in a plague; not romantically attracted to Miaka but still one of her destined bishounen.

Chiriko: A genius shota; not romantically attracted to Miaka but still one of her destined bishounen.

Amiboshi: A member of the enemy sent to infiltrate the destined bishounen; later in the story he wants Miaka to drop out of the plot and live with him forever.

Rivals

Yui: Miaka’s best friend turned rival and enemy, she tries to steal Tamahome from her at one point in the plot.

Suboshi: His devotion to both Yui and his brother caused him to violently attack and pursue Miaka.

Soi: Her love for Nakago made her jealous when he revealed his plan to steal Miaka’s virginity

Tomo: See above.

Nakago: He became determined to steal away everything important to Miaka, from her boyfriend to her virginity.

Amusing Search Terms

Old favourite: you toube sex

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O AND I CANT DIE I HAVE AZURE INSIDE OF: this makes no sense whatsoever.

Marimite Hard Panda: The correct terminology is not Hard Panda, but merely PANDA.

“my bikini”: Coming soon from the folks at Sunrise- Mai-Bikini, a tale of fanservice and swimsuit episodes.

hentai rumble: School Rumble, 18+ version.

Happy Sangokushi: Don’t worry, be happy.

manga bleach guys action pictures: When has this blog ever covered Bleach?

Suikoden Hentai Free: Some people just never want to pay.

romeo x juliet only 19 episodes?: Then why are episodes 20-21 up at Random Curiosity?

fat stay night: Not to be confused with Fate/Stay Night, Fat Stay Night is the tale of seven obese people and their battle to lose weight.

papillion hard gay: Yep, he is.

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I don’t know what my ‘triks’ are, but they don’t come cheap.

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If it’s to stop spamming my blog, then I accept.

A guide to anime hair

Anime hair is a strange thing- it completely refuses to obey the normal laws of physics, requiring a whole new set of regulations to be written out for it.\

• Don’t worry about dye- exotic and unlikely colours can and will grow naturally. In fact, in some worlds they are more prevalent than normal hair colours. Bi- or even tri-coloured styles are also possible.
• Hair will only ever grow if the plot demands it; otherwise it just remains in the exact same style indefinitely.
• White or silver hair is not a sign of age, and is in fact desirable if you wish to look evil and mysterious.
• Hair is extremely difficult to damage, to the point where only the most damaging and stressful of situations can have any effect on it.
• When cutting one’s hair, it is imperative to just hack at it with a knife- somehow it will automatically fall into a perfect style.

Starting out in an MMORPG

You’ve just signed up for the latest and greatest MMORPG, and what you want to do now is play, right? Unfortunately for you, the creators have devised a method to ensure that you spend plenty of time and money on the game before you even get to attack your first slime.

• Installing the basic game must take at least 3-5 hours, after which you must download no fewer than three massive update packs. Trying to pause these updates and resume later will usually result in a crash that forces you to start again from the beginning.
• Once you are finally ready to log on, you must create a character from an extensive range of custom classes, as well as choose from a wide range of weapons and armour. For the indecisive, it could take up to three weeks just to settle on all the many customisable options.
• Before actually playing, you must complete a compulsory tutorial field consisting of ten separate missions.

Nodame Cantabile 16

“Are you interested in ‘blowing’ ‘instruments’?”

“This harisen is a representation of my Liang!”

“It has turned many pianists into men.”

“Their first time was painful, but they all thanked me once they had done it.”

“Except for one person, who may have been STRAIGHT.”

Nodame Cantabile 20

The purple roses signify HARD GAY attraction.

“I can’t wait any longer- I need HARD GAY with you!”

“What? Did you just say HARD GAY?”

“Stop teasing me and get your Liang out!”

Short parody: Kaleido Star New Wings

New characters Leon and May arrive.

Leon: Look at my long, lustrous hair- no one is as bishie as me. Sora, you may have completed the Legendary Great Manoeuvre, but you are nothing compared to me- get off the stage.

May: I just got here, but I’m already better than you, Sora! I’m going to be the next star!

Sora: Wait a minute- I’m the main character!

Fool: I’m sorry, but it is time for your angst arc.

Sora and May compete against each other.

Sora: It’s no good- even after proving myself a true star last year, I’m still not a true star!

Leon: Last year you got through on main character destiny alone, but when it comes to basic strength, you are still lacking. Since everyone else here is generic or a supporting character, I shall choose May to be my partner instead.

May: Yay, I’m on stage!

Leon: Oh, by the way, I’m a complete jerk who likes to mess with my partner by randomly dropping her.

Leon drops May, causing both her and Sora not to trust him.

Layla: Hello, I’m randomly back to dispense advice. Sora, even though Leon is a complete jerk, it’s somehow your fault.

Leon and May go to the Circus Festival. Sora decides to see if she can go with Yuri.

Yuri: I know I was evil last season, but that’s water under the bridge- now I’m your friend again.

Sora: Wait, this is only the season halfway point- I can’t win just yet. Instead I must forfeit the competition and enter an angst arc.

Sora goes back to Japan for some angst, before realising her place is on the stage.

Sora: I always thought my place was on the stage, but now I know my place is most certainly on the stage! Not just any stage, though, but a happy fun one full of sunshine and laughter.

Sora returns to Kaleido Stage, but her contract has been terminated.

Sora: It’s okay- I’ll do odd jobs for free! Who cars about living expenses?

Kalos: Fine- it’s just until the plot lets me hire you again, anyway.

Leon: I never respected you before, Sora, but now I see that you may be destined partner after all!

May: Hey, what about me?

Leon: Who are you again?

Leon and Sora start practising for this season’s ultimate move- the Angel’s Manoeuvre.

Fool: If you master this, you will be a True Star!

Sora: What about the Legendary Great Manoeuvre?

Fool: What’s that?

After much training, the Angel’s Manoeuvre is ready, but Layla and Yuri appear to challenge Sora and Leon.

Layla: I know I quit the stage ages ago, but I have randomly returned to challenge you, Sora!

The challenge begins.

Mia: It’s no good- Layla may have years more training, but she lacks Main Character Destiny.

Layla: Sora, you have surpassed me, as a main character should. Now I can retire- again.

This Week in Anime

HORSE is ready and waiting for anyone who wants it.

Clare gets a taste of giant apple.

Red apples are smaller, but by travelling in groups they can hold their own against their giant green cousins.

All sorts of fruits have taken to using this group tactic in order to defend against Big Green.

This is how to conclusively deal with an apple.

June Anime Awards

The Finally Finished Award for Completed Subbing goes to Aria the Natural for coming to an end almost nine months after the series finished airing- at least it was well worth the wait.

The Better than 1337 Award for Consistent Excellence is shared between Darker than Black, Dennou Coil and Emma II.

The Mediocre Looks Good Compared to this Award goes to El Cazador de la Bruja, which might have started improving over the last couple of weeks, but can be said to be exhibiting much in the way of quality.

The Gender Bender Award for Blatant HARD GAY Cross Dressing goes to Koutetstu Sangokushi for its characters of relaxed and undefined gender (what is Liu Bei? Is it a man or a woman?).

The Sumptuous Setting Award for Superior Architecture goes tro Romeo X Juliet, which boasts a nice setting even as we grieve over the loss of HORSE.

The Mustn’t Catch Up Award for Slowing the Pace goes to Saiunkoku Monogatari, as the anime puts on the brakes to prevent itself from catching up with the novels.

The I’ll Read the Manga Instead Award for Losing All Momentum goes to Claymore, now on hiatus after the dull episode eleven as I switch to the manga.

The Where’s The Plot Award for Stagnation goes to Seirei no Moribito, now mired in filler at this early stage.

Anime World Tour: Hunter X Hunter

Welcome to the weird and wonderful world of HxH, a place of bizarre creatures and powerful warriors. To get the most out of this world, learn to control the life energy known as Nen and become a Hunter by passing the yearly exam (details vary each year, so don’t expect any tips). Your Hunter license will earn you access to most places in the world, enabling you to dominate the Celestial Arena battle tower, or test your skills on real life “video game”Greed Island. Be warned, though, the world is currently under threat from the deadly Chimera Ants, so caution is advised when visiting.

OST Spotlight: Final Fantasy VII

Although this is styled along the same lines as the FF6 OST, the move to Playstation sees the music taken to the next level with some slightly more complex themes. As is often the case, the energetic battle music and poignant slower themes are the most memorable, whilst the military style tracks are the weakest. It’s somewhat rough around the edges, and can’t really match up to the later FF OSTs, but amidst some of the more pedestrian looping themes, a rare gem emerges. You’ll probably want to pick and choose your favourites instead of listening to the whole thing over and over.

Notable tracks: Prelude, Fighting, Flowers Blooming in the Church, Still More Fighting, Electric de Chocobo, J-E-N-O-V-A, Aeris’ theme, Jenova Absolute

Mini-rant: Damn you, Manga Entertainment

I rarely buy UK Region 2 DVDs anymore, but I do rent them regularly, and so it is that I must rant about the annoying defects in quality on DVDs released by Manga Entertainment- a company who promised to put in quality control in 2006 as if it was some new and innovative concept, but who actually showed no improvement even after that point.

For those who prefer dubs, Manga will not seem too bad, but switch to the subtitles, and problems begin to crop up. For starters, on-screen text is rarely translated, meaning that important plot points may well be left incomprehensible to the vast majority of viewers. What subtitles are proved are all too often riddled with errors such as inconsistent naming, whilst the now-infamous fifth volume of GITS: SAC has the text encased in irritating black bars- an error that was not even fixed in the thinpak release as promised.

Such annoyances may seem small, and indeed there are bigger things to worry about in the world, but after watching several Manga Ent. DVDs in a row, their lax approach to subtitle quality can become hard to ignore. Is it no wonder that people continue to import?

In Your Reflection

This week we take a look at two similar villains- Cell from Dragonball Z, and King from the Chimera Ant arc of Hunter X Hunter. Aside from their physical similarities, both are designed to be superior beings effectively completed from “lesser” allies (Cell needed to absorb two androids, King was born from Queen), who the heroes must eventually fight.

Fashion Police: Kharg

Last week his brother came under fire, but this time around we look at Arc: Twilight of the Spirits’Kharg, who may have gotten away with a more human appearance, but who has little in the way of dress sense. The arm guards and boots may be more dull than offensive, but choice of colours in the tunic leaves little to be desired, and the less said about those hideous shorts, the better. Why must heroes insist on wearing these schoolboy length shorts?

Fashion sense: E

Amusing Search Terms

Old favourites: rumble roses doujinshi, hard yaoi, you toube, your toube

azureflame romance: tj han is looking for romance among the female bloggers again.

common puny owl archer “phantom brave”: Make up your mind, although I commend you for playing Phantom Brave.

hard gay costume: Take your pick, but make sure it unbuttons at the rear.

.Hack G.U. hentai: Again?

how to start a diary farm: A diary about the farm, or a farm where one grows diaries?

Removing a bikini: shouldn’t be too hard if you’re the one wearing it, otherwise I can’t guarantee your safety.

yugi meto: Yugi Mutou perhaps?

were to by beyblade: u mite want 2 trie a shoppe.

anime episodes- blindfold: I don’t know if there’s much point watching anime blindfolded, although it would improve certain series.

h scenes utawarerumono walkthrough: Everyone wants those H-scenes, you perverts.

Ginga densetsu weed gay: Now, now, that was one parody where I didn’t even mentione HARD GAY.

shishi dog tattoo: My secret career as a tattoo artist continues.

anime blog maker: A brand new technology, Anime Blog Maker enables you to put in a few keywords and generate a complete anime blog with minimal effort! Throw out Wordpress and install it today!

Initiation Harem: Someone wants some harem action.

ginga densetsu weed party stuff: Hey, want to come to my Weed themed party? We’re all going to dress as brown dogs.

old romance games where girls are the bo: If only Wordpress recorded the complete sentence.

“pipe fox” plushie: How cute.

meaning of cat soup: Cat Soup only has meaning when one is taking mind-altering substances.

anime with magical violin: That’ll be La Corda d’Oro then, unless there are more magical violins out there.

gay-and-horse: HARD GAY and HORSE- every man’s ideal combination.

spells to repel evil: Evil begone!

dragon ball z hard yaoi: Someone’s really into this.

best beyblades spinning tops: Let’s Beyblade!

There’s something to be said for cheat saving using an emulator, and that is that it makes games a lot easier for lazy people like me. With it, the Cave of Trials in Star Ocean 2 becomes infinitely less painful, whilst in Harvest Moon hurricanes and blizzards can be avoided without having to replay an entire day.

Harvest Moon: Fusion

Can’t get enough of Harvest Moon? Ever wished that Grandpa Anton could lend some of his massive wealth to the up and coming young Anton to help him on his way? Ever wanted your Forget-Me-Not Valley Anton to be able to take a day trip to Mineral Town and see where it all began? Well, now you can, with Harvest Moon: Fusion! When the game begins, you play as the very first Anton from the SNES version of Harvest, but as time goes on, the game evolves into the later versions, unlocking new areas and more modern farming techniques. In time, you can even commission a time machine to be built for your house, which will enable you to go back and help Grandpa on his farm, or summon him to come forward and hand over that spare Corn Kai’s been bugging you for.

The Wandering Fansubber
His name is unknown, his purpose semi-pointless…he is the Wandering Fansubber. Traversing through the land of raw anime and manga, he will suddenly pick up something that is to his taste and translate it, completely out of order with what has been done so far. From later chapters of Mushishi to recent episodes of Gintama, he will tackle them all- but no one knows where he comes from or why he does it. His glimpses into the future of such series are interesting, but just as he whets the appetite, he vanishes into the mists, leaving others to catch up and fill in the gaps.

GetBackers Pick ‘N’ Mix Part Two

“Looks like Shidou has been ensnared by a woman.”

“He won’t be able to get much HARD GAY from now on.”

“I’m going to have STRAIGHT?”

“Yep, that’s right.”

“Well, I guess there’s no choice.”

“That Liang is so Zhuge!”

“Weren’t you guys having MONKEY?”

Back to the nurses, and both Ban and Shidou are having some rough HARD GAY at their hands.

“We need more HARD GAY!”

“With cross-dressers like these, the quality of the HARD GAY is payment in itself.”

One nurse isn’t as good at disguising himself or his intentions as the others are.

Short parody: Good Witch revisited

Firiel: I love you, Roux!

Roux: You are useless, Firiel. Now get out so that I can have HARD GAY with someone.

Firiel: But I’m the main character, and destined to be queen some day!

Adale: Actually, you’re fairly irrelevant in this whole succession thing- it’s between Leandra and me. When I win, I hope to write many books and sit here doing nothing.

Leandra: No, I must win! With my beautiful dress and love of HARD YURI, I’m a shoe-in.

Riez: Gwakaka, I am evil, for I shall clutch a book and turn green! Oh wait, that never actually happens. Well, never mind, for I am evil!

Firiel: You know, you might want to rethink your position.

Riez: Oh no, I have been defeated!

The party proceeds to the tower.

King: Fear me, for I am the king!

Roux: This country has a king?

King: Well, I, er, don’t get out much. I should also mention that I am such a low-profile king that I even lead a secret organisation that opposes the crown.

Roux: Look, a frog!

Roux throws a frog at the king.

King: Oh no, a frog! I am defeated!

Everyone moves ahead to meet the queen.

Firiel: Wow, there’s actually a queen. I wondered who was ruling the country.

Queen: This country has gone to ruin because it needs a strong ruler, but I’m only the queen, so what can I do?

Firiel: It’s not too late! You can still make a difference.

Queen: Oh, so I can. Thank you, young Firiel, for you have shown me the light.

Earthquakes etc begin outside as the Mahiru Star starts causing the end of the world. Bard appears.

Bard: I know it’s the end of the series, but please give humanity another chance!

The end of the world is immediately averted.

Monthly Awards

Anime of the Month: Without any ‘instant classics’ to call upon this month, the award falls to Akagi, a surprisingly enjoyable series that finally made it out of the backlog and onto the watched list.

Manga of the Month: The award must be shared this month, between Hikaru no Go, which proves equally addictive on reread, and X/1999, which is finally on catch-up.

Fruit Spotted!: Apples show up in Ceres and Busou Renkin, whilst Argento Soma continues the trend of being a front line advertisement for fruit (back in those days product placement was healthier).

Mushroom Spotted: A poisonous mushroom is seen in Iroha- could it be the sort that Sunrise use for their special trips?

Special- Autumn Season Awards

With most Autumn 2006 series now having finished or being on the verge of conclusion, the time has come to hand out a few awards.

• The “No More Crotch Shots” Award for Most Manservice goes to Busou Renkin. It could have won the award by virtue of Papillon’s mankini alone, but it also chose to let the other male protagonists in on the act with their size comparisons and urinal scenes.
• The “Is It Over Yet?” Award for Most Boring Series goes to Red Garden, although arguably other series were more boring as they were dropped long ago.
• The “7.5/10” Award for Series that Didn’t Quite Make Pick of the Year goes to Bakumatsu Kikansetsu Irohanihoheto for starting out incomprehensible, evolving into absorbingly atmospheric, and then declining in its latter half.
• The “What Happens Next” Award for Most Painfully Predictable Series would go to Les Miserables if it was eligible, but instead is handed to La Corda d’Oro, which I once liked but soon came to change my mind about.
• The “Everyone Else Liked it but I didn’t” Award for Most Hyped Series is shared between Death Note and Kanon.
• The “What is that?” Award for a Practically Unheard of series goes to Shounen Onmyouji, although it has gained a little recognition after being licensed.

HARD GAY corner: Gankutsuou
Edmond Dantes once enjoyed a life of BI with his friend Mondego and fiancé Mercedes, but when Mondego became jealous of the size of Edmond’s Zhuge Liang, he teamed up with two other small men, Villefort and Danglars, to have Edmond imprisoned.

Years later, and Mondego (now Morcerf) and his cohorts have become successful men of STRAIGHT, their HARD GAY past now put behind them. Nonetheless, HARD GAY remains popular with the younger generation, with even Morcerf’s son Albert sharing a ‘special bond’ with his best friend Franz d’Epinay. As per custom, both have fiancées in attempt to disguise their HARD GAY leanings, but their inner circle of friends is well aware of the truth.

Meanwhile, in prison, Dantes has learned the secrets of advanced HARD GAY from a being known as Gankutsuou, and in time he escapes, intent on revenge. Returning to Paris as the unrecognisable Count of Monte Cristo, he soon strikes up a friendship with Albert, wowing the young man with his incredible HARD GAY. Even as Albert falls for the Count, however, he has no idea that Dantes is less focused on him than he is on exposing the HARD GAY that festers beneath the STRAIGHT façade of Parisian society…

OST Spotlight : Xenosaga I
Marking a change from Yasunori Mitsuda’s usual heavily Celtic themes, Xenosaga retains the essence of his style whilst producing something more grandiose and sweeping- worthy of the space epic that this first game promised to us. Admittedly, the first couple of times I listened to this I did not it find it particularly worthy, but over time it has begun to grow on me, capturing as it does a range of emotions from quiet reflection and the eeriness of the unknown to intense clashes against the majestic backdrop of space.

Notable tracks: Prologue, Battle, Rising Emotions, Battling KOS-MOS, Life or Death, Breaking Spaceship Pursuit, Durandal, Invasion Inside and Enemy Ship, Warmth, Insecurity, Beach of Nothingness, Panic, Omega, Last Battle

Mini-rant: How can you have an objective review?
Well, I was initially going to write about that whole KeyAni drama that flared up last week, but after a moment’s thought I realised that a) this post sums my thoughts up nicely and b) I don’t really give a damn about a flame war that effectively revolves around three KyoAni series I don’t like much anyway.

Anyway, to get back on track, this week I discuss another pet peeve of reviewing- namely, the idea that some people seem to have that reviews should be objective. This is an idea I’ve seen a few reviewers discuss on forums or elsewhere, but what exactly does it mean? I can understand a reviewer perhaps not wanting their dislike of a particular genre from stopping them giving an individual series a fair chance, but even so, an ‘objective review’ is a particularly paradoxical idea- after all, a review, is in essence an opinion, and provided you can justify that opinion, surely that is all that is needed? Why attempt to write from a viewpoint other than the only one you can reliably depend on to know accurately?

That is all I really wanted to say this time around, but next week I promise to stop ranting about reviewers for long enough to talk about something else.

Harem of the Week: Akito Tenkawa (Martian Successor Nadesico)
He just wanted to be a cook, but he reckoned without the circumstances that would not only make him an Aestivalis pilot, but ensure that numerous women would be after him.

Harem

Yurika Misumaru: Captain of the Nadesico, and a childhood friend of Akito, she is the lead girl in the harem.

Megumi Reinard: The other woman, Megumi may seem quiet and sweet, but she pursues Akito with incredible ferocity, continually butting heads with the captain.

Ryoko Subaru: The tsundere, Ryoko acts like a tomboy most of the time, but her feelings for Akito grow more apparent as time goes on.

Haruka Minato (manga only): In the manga, Haruka becomes Akito’s girlfriend after he is blinded, although she is not always impressed with his attitude.

Kaguya Onkirimaru (manga only): In the manga, she is the other woman in a Yurika-Kaguya-Akito love triangle, having grown up with the pair of them on Mars and competed for Akito’s affections.

Inez Fressange: She has a soft spot for Akito due to a shared event in their past.

Ruri Hoshino: The genius loli, she only seems able to act more human around Akito, although he is more of a big brother than a love interest.

Rivals

Jun Aoi: Remains steadfastly in love with Yurika despite the fact that she thinks of him only as a friend.

Akatsuki Nagare: Annoyed at Akito’s success with the ladies, he constantly threatens to start dating Yurika.

Fashion police: Ueki

The spokesperson for all male characters with boring uniforms, Ueki takes things to a new level of dull with his standard white shirt and black trousers- there’s not even a hint of originality in his footwear or undershirt. Even his hair is the trademark shounen short and spiky, although at least it is green, which makes a change.

Fashion sense: N/A- it’s too dull to even grade.

Amusing Search Terms

Old favourites: lolicon (50+ searches per day), you toube, Bouncing Breasts, audition hack, large boobs, you toube sex

rpg maker making flame: Here’s how to do it- work on RPG Maker for long enough to become so annoyed and frustrated that you want to set fire to things.

Harvest Moon how do I make noodles: Actually this is a perfect valid thing to want to know, but it just amused me.

anime hair: I don’t know if they still sell it, but there was a “manga hair gel” on the market a couple of years back. Style your hair like Yugi Mutou from Yu-Gi-Oh!

anime + blog + “her control”: Yes, this blog is under my control.

mai-hime 4 tentacle: Four tentacles? Some people are just greedy.

rmxp yugioh resources: Try ripping the sprites from the GBA game.

Fate Stay Night threesome: Last week I wondered if the searcher wanted Rin or Saber, but I guess the answer was both.

“busou renkin hentai”: There’s really no hope for people who want to see Papillon’s Zhuge Liang.

Release Mai Otome zwei episode 3: It’s not up to me.

chevalier, etiquette: The first rule of being a chevalier is to always have HARD GAY with your comrades.

code geass keroro: Interesting crossover idea.

Maria-sama ga miteru summer: Wouldn’t it be great if this was the sequel to MariMite Spring?

otome complex: “Help me, I’m in love with Shizuru!”

haseo has a harem: I prefer to think of them more as casual lovers.

the moon diary from 2 march 2007: Moon~

manga smile: Smile for the cameras.

romance of 3 kingdom sprite: What am I, Spriteland?

DBZ 2007 episodes: None.

reika mode: Entering Reika Mode- bad luck on.

masahiro means: Main character of Shounen Onmyouji

Wool from hack: You can now hack into people’s wardrobes and steal their woollen garments. Beware, owners of knitted jumpers.

what did the moon look like on March 23r: Look, I’m not a phases of the moon blog, although on second thought that would be an easy blog to run.

buy order moe kare: Not here, but feel free to send me money anyway.

“RPG Maker XP” rin: Which Rin? I’m thinking Tohsaka but there are so many.

kanon mai threesome: Ah, someone else is looking for a threesome.

student character of rpgmakerxp: I am a student of RPG Maker XP.

“out of sequence”: Better get back in sequence.

stratos 4 doujin: Not again.

shounen onmyouji nudity: Mokkun is naked, I tell you! He has no clothes on!

gay anime: Take your pick.

anime i’ll go gay for you! hard gay!: Isn’t this a Dokuro-chan quote?

strangling her anime episode: It’s not nice to strangle other people’s anime episodes.

]]> http://azureflame.dasaku.net/2007/03/27/tuesday-rumble-march-27th/feed/ 2 http://azureflame.dasaku.net/2007/03/20/tuesday-rumble-march-20th/ http://azureflame.dasaku.net/2007/03/20/tuesday-rumble-march-20th/#comments Tue, 20 Mar 2007 12:00:16 +0000 Karura http://azureflame.ikimashou.net/?p=127 Spoiler Alert! Harvest Moon O gives away the ending of Big O, and it shouldn’t take a genius to realise the Chevalier Death Awards are going to be intensely spoilerific.

I’ve been reading Viz’s release of the Hikaru no Go manga, and although I’m opposed to edits in general, the ones here are amusing by virtue of their half-heartedness. For example, in the scene where Kaga stubs out his cigarette on a Go board, they can’t seem to decide if it’s okay for it to be a cigarette or whether he “put out his gum” (you can smoke chewing gum now?). On another occasion, his cigarette is changed to a firecracker he just happened to be setting off for no reason, but the teacher calls him a “gum chewing brat”, whilst still other scenes of smokers are left as they are. So, are cigarettes evil, or is it firecrackers and gum that are leading our kids down the wrong path? You decide, for Viz cannot.

Harvest Moon O
Farming has been the duty of the Anton line ever since the original Grandpa Anton left his farm to his grandson, but how is that multiple generations of Antons can live in the same town and interact with the same group of people? The answer lies in Harvest Moon O- like Paradigm City of Big O, Mineral Town, Fogert-Me-Not Valley and Flowerbud Valley are all effectively stages on which similar events play out over and over again. Each time a new Anton (or Antonia) agrees to farm, the town is reset and he is forced to remain within its confines until he has built a successful farm, married and had a child. Upon his death, the town resets again, but since the system is constantly updating and refining, the reset town is usually a little bit more advanced, with the eventual goal being to breed the ultimate farmer who can handle the highest level of farming simulation. So, if you’ve ever wondered what that eternally locked shed on the farm in A Wonderful Life is for, the answer is here- it is the control room for the town simulation.

The Chevalier Death Awards

• The Getting In Early Award for Dying Before the Series Even Began: Whilst Belle was already in skull form by the time we met her, the winner can only be Lia, whose death provided the impetus for the entire series even as her spirit borrowed d’Eon’s body.
• The “My Contract Ran Out” Award for Dying From Non-Serious Wounds: The prize goes to Robespierre, who didn’t really seem to be that seriously wounded from being stabbed by Broglie, but bade farewell to his comrades and departed for the next world anyway. Amazingly enough, Robespierre had already come through an earlier death without too much trouble.
• The Gargoyle Award for Dying After Becoming a Grey Monster: Although early casualty Bernice is a runner-up in this department, he cannot match up to the agonising end experienced by poor Durand.
• The “I’m not Dead Yet” Award for Comically Villainous End: Saint-Germain is the winner here for somehow turning into a Gargoyle, digging his way out of a ton of rubble, and appearing in the final episode for no real reason.
• The “Why Did I Sleep With Broglie?” Award for Dying from a Disfiguring Condition: Louis XV wins here after ill-advisedly having HARD GAY with Broglie opening the BOOK.
• The “My Lovers Betrayed Me” Award for Being Killed by Gargoyles: Gargoyle attacks were common in the early episodes, but only Empress Elizabeth suffered fatally for sitting down to dinner with some suspiciously grey men.
• The “I Bribed the Director” Award for Dying Many Episodes After Everyone Thought He Would: This award can only go to Voronzoff, who managed to stay alive far often than his mid-boss role would have indicated.
• The Death in Dignity Award for Taking Poison: Unlike the gory deaths of many of the other characters, Marie was able to enjoy a quieter end after sipping the poisoned wine prepared by Louis.
• The Farewell Limbs Award for Being an Early Enemy of the Week: A prize that can only go to Caron, a man who existed merely to be an opponent of the week and consequently get killed by Lia.
• The “I Took the Head out of Whitehead” Award for Explosively Losing One’s Head: Unsurprisingly, Paul Whitehead wins this award after Robespierre causes his head to explode.
• The “Come and Get Me, Then” Award for Standing Around and Waiting to Be Killed: Anna walks away with the prize (or would if she were alive) after standing motionless whilst Louis slowly walked towards her and ended her life.
• The “It Can Take Up to Fifteen Minutes to Die” Award for Getting Hanged: Despite his generally dislikeable nature, who couldn’t feel a pang of sorrow for poor Peter as he was tearfully led away to face the hangman’s noose.
• The “Save the Last Dance for Me” Award for Taking a Bullet for One’s Master: Teillagory lost his life in a bizarre waltz as he threw himself in the path of a bullet meant for Orleans.
• The Guillotine Award for Falling to the Classic French Execution Method: Robin-Robespierre met his end at the blade of the guillotine, just as history dictated.
• The “Where’s the Anti-Aging Cream?” Award For Dying After Becoming Amazing Wrinkled Within the Space of One Episode: After sparring with Robespierre in a Book vs. Cane duel, Dashwood seemed to have the upper hand, but he couldn’t contend with rapid aging and the Hellscape spell.
• The “It Was My Time” Award for Dying in an Uninteresting Way Compared to Everyone Else: An award created for Pompadour, who was killed by Robespierre in a decidedly non-flashy fashion.

GetBackers Pick ‘N’ Mix Part One

“My hard drive has corrupted, and all my porn is lost!”

“Ah, I remember when little Makubex first found that adult website.”

HARD GAY comes at a price.

“Call that a Zhuge Liang? It’s barely a Liang!”

Ban promises to pleasure the latest client all by himself.

“You aren’t very well-endowed, are you?”

“I hope you don’t mind having HARD GAY in here, but we don’t want other people to know we’re really men in disguise.”

“So, what sort of HARD GAY do you want?”

“Technically, we shouldn’t even be asking for it from you, but…”

“With our work schedule, we don’t have much choice other than to ask you.”

“Yes, that’s what my lovers nickname me.”

Short parody: Fushigi Yuugi

(Miaka: I love Tamahome, but I don’t deserve to be with him, so I’ll just run away and try to solve everything on my own, thus making everyone worry and probably getting caught in the process.)

Miaka is caught the instant she steps away from her Celestial Warriors.

Nakago: Gwakaka, your warriors are no match for me! Not even Tamahome can match my bishie good looks!

Yui: I hate you, Miaka, because not only did you fail to teleport over and save me from some generic men, but you dared to take Tamahome away from me!

Miaka: How can you have feelings for Tamahome? You barely know him!

Yui: I could ask the same of you.

Miaka: Ah, touché.

The Celestial Warriors arrive to rescue Miaka. Tamahome challenges Nakago.

Nakago: Foolish boy, you are no match for me!

Tamahome: Think again, Nakago! Not only is Chichiri’s magic somehow protecting me, but I have Miaka’s love and the power of love on my side!

Nakago: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Miaka is rescued.

Tamahome: I love you, Miaka.

Miaka: I’m sorry, but I don’t love you.

(Miaka: If I admit to our love, something will go wrong, so I’ll just make him miserable.)

(Tamahome: Oh no! I had better go and angst now)

Miaka: I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it- I really do love you.

Tamahome: Well, now I’m not so sure we should get together.

(Miaka: He doesn’t love me after all! I must angst.)

Tamahome: Sorry, I was being a jerk just then. I love you, Miaka.

Miaka: Tamahome!

Tamahome: Miaka!

Miaka: Tamahome!

Tamahome: Miaka!

Hotohori: I love you too, Miaka, but since I don’t have a chance with you, I’ll just marry this random woman whilst you leave me behind in part two of the series..

Nuriko: I love you, Hotohori, but since I can’t decide whether I’m HARD GAY, BI or STRAIGHT, I also love Miaka.

Chichiri: I’m not bishie enough to be a love interest, although I was quite good looking in flashback.

Tasuki: I’m HARD GAY for Koji, but I also secretly wish to turn BI and take Miaka for my own.

Mitsukake: I have a tragic doomed love backstory, but am too generic to have much additional development.

Chiriko: I’m too young to have a personality!

On the Seiryu side…

Yui: I love you, Tamahome!

Nakago: I shall pretend to love you, Yui, whilst jumping into bed with Soi to replenish my ‘mana’.

Soi: I love you, Nakago.

Tomo: I love you, Nakago!

Amiboshi: I love you, Miaka!

Suboshi: I love you, Yui, although I am also HARD GAY for my twin brother!

Miboshi: I am just generic and evil.

Ashitare: Grrr.

The history of fruit in anime
Apples may be the world leaders in animated fruit, but even as they try to solidify their power base, other fruits are seeking to dislodge them from the top spot. Whilst bananas use their suggestive nature (Sakura Diaries) to gain power, lemons rely on their bitterness (Red Garden, Nodame Cantabile) and others like oranges (Argento Soma) and grapes (SaiMono) merely wait quietly in the background. Are any of them a match for the mighty apple?

Random trivia: In order to get the same ‘goodness’ and nutritional value as you would have by eating one orange and one tomato fifty or so years ago, you must consume six modern oranges and ten modern tomatoes. Eat up.

HARD YURI corner: Mai-Otome
At Garderobe Academy, young women who wish to forget about men and become full-fledges students of HARD YURI are invited to come and study under the most HARD YURI couple on the planet- Natsuki and Shizuru. Girls are accepted after demonstrating their ability to satisfy their teachers and upperclasswomen (Chie is especially demanding, but pity the girl who gets Maria), and progress through the school by providing extraordinary service in the bedroom.

Unfortunately, all is not well in Otome world, for men such as Sergey Wang have been tasked with subverting girls from the path of HARD YURI, and turning them STRAIGHT with the help of their Zhuge Liangs. Can the likes of Arika and Nina discover the HARD YURI joys of a bath scene with Erstin, or will Sergey win them over with his mighty Wang?

OST Spotlight: Kurau Phantom Memory OST2: Crimson
Whilst it can be hardly denied that the second Kurau OST contains some remix, the quality does not suffer for it. There are times when the slower themes run the risk of blending into the background, but give them your full attention and the quality of composition really begins to stand out, ensuring that this is another blend of beautiful and haunting music that stands proudly alongside the first OST.

Notable tracks: The Power, Moonlight ~Essence~, Tomorrow’s Treasures, Drag Racer, Daily Life ~Heartfelt~, Moonlight ~Farewell~

Mini-rant: Does it really always have to have a deeper meaning?
I don’t know about you, but I still have memories of the English lessons of my school days, and one thing I recall is how, when analysing poetry, I couldn’t help wondering if we were just pulling stuff out of our backsides reading things into it that the original writer had never once intended to convey. Similarly, when it comes to anime, some reviewers seem to think it appropriate to try to over-analyse and ascribe so-called ‘social commentary’ to almost every series they watch. Is such a practice really necessary? Is it their way of justifying the fact that they watch anime to family members and ‘outsiders’ who would otherwise think they were wasting their lives in front of ‘cartoons’?

Whatever the case, whilst there are a handful of series that touch on current events (such as the terrorist situation in 2^nd Gig) or perhaps have something deeper to say about society, this certainly can’t be said about the vast majority of anime- and ultimately, what is wrong with that? Anime is marketed as a form of entertainment, and therefore, if anything, it should act as a bit of escapism. Is S-Cry-ed a tale of shifting political tides between a powerful mainland and an island struggling to forge its own identity, or just an excuse for men with special powers to beat each other up? Is Elfen Lied a harrowing tale of the mistreatment of children, or a gore-fest punctuated with fanservice and harem elements? Is Gantz a scathing commentary on the state of contemporary society, or a young man’s fantasy world of big guns and big breasts? Even if the answers lie somewhere in between, we should take care not to aggrandise the motives of a series to the extent that we make it something it was never meant to be. So just sit back, relax, and accept that while anime can indeed be very good, it isn’t really meant to be high art. And if you still want social commentary, why not try a topical news show instead?

In Your Reflection

This week we have a three-way comparison between three pale-haired girls who aren’t quite what they seem- Aquarion’s Rena, Mai-HiME’s Mashiro and Karin’s Anju. Whilst Rena is wheelchair-bound with occasional vampiric tendencies, Mashiro is wheelchair-bound and possessed of her own secrets, and Anju, whilst more mobile (at least at night), is a vampire

Fashion police: Ender

We return to .hack//Roots for a second time to pick on Ender, a villainess with a predilection for showing off more flesh than we ever needed to see. As well as making a rather dull choice of darker colours for her entire costume, Ender’s asymmetrical outfit leaves us to choose between bad and worse- bad being the bizarrely shaped armour and metal thong, and worse being the lack of effort put into her exposed right hand side. Fortunately for us all, she soon switches to using another player character, even if that is ManPai.

Fashion sense: D-

Amusing Search Terms

The old favourites: lolicon, you toube, bouncing breasts

moe kare scanlation: I don’t even know what this is.

“knight of justice”: that’s me- oh wait, it isn’t.

Under Flame manga: Ah yes, that well known manga.

anime love: Love in anime, or love of anime?

Pr0N TOUBE 15: There were 14 others?

Yu-Gi-Oh!: The Night Before: ‘Twas the night before Yu-Gi-Oh, and all through the house, not a card gamer was playing, not even Yugi Mutou…oh, you get the idea.

hack harvestmoon: Stop trying to hack it- unless of course you have a cheat to switch off those damned hurricanes and blizzards.

watch shows of dragonball z: Are you sure you want to?

harvest moon wonderful life otaku: Can you actually be a Harvest Moon otaku? Do you have to dress like an Anton every day and tend to imaginary animals?

noir we had to let you have it

carol vorderman my q: Ah yes, I am the prime internet source for Carol Vorderman.

gay dragonball z: Did you see how Goku was looking at Vegeta? They’ll be comparing their “Super Saiyan muscles” in the bedroom tonight, I’ll wager.

what was the phases of the moon on march: Moon~!

fate stay night visual novel screens: You naughty boy, you want to look at Rin naked, don’t you? Or is it Saber that floats your boat?

diary multi year: Azure Flame will soon be releasing custom multi-year diaries for its users. These diaries are special in that they are invisible and use no materials to create.

large anime doll makers: The thought of a giant Kanaria in my home scares me.

stratos 4 doujinshi: I’ll only make a doujin if it stars the Admiral, and she’s a bit too fat to fit into a manga panel.

chokotto sister nudity: Just download any chapter, really.

.hack//roots tabby -nude -naked –profani: “Quick, let’s look up as many rude things as possible before Mum and Dad get back!”

Stratos 4: The Admiral

Fat cat fans- rejoice at the release of this new Stratos 4 OVA, starring The Admiral herself! As this OVA reveals, the series’ chubby feline is actually a real admiral, and now it is up to her to save the earth from the largest meteor yet- by going up into space. With General/Shogun as her co-pilot, The Admiral will brave high altitudes in her experimental new ship, boldly going where no cat has gone before! Look forward to it!

Red Garden: Setting the bar for angst
Want to know the best excuses and situations for angst? Look no further.

1. Your mother is ill and your father is working away from home, forcing you to look after your increasingly irritating siblings.
2. The man you like is actually evil, whilst your HARD YURI sorority fellows are continually checking on your activities.
3. You find all your friends irritating and shallow no matter what they do, but in order to get decent conversation, you must drink bitter coffee with your teacher and get accused of having an affair with him.
4. You barely have enough money to pay the rent, but pride insists that you quit your job (only to return later), live away from your father (but borrow money from your brother) and skip classes since education and qualifications could not possibly land you a job better than flipping burgers.
5. Your previously nameless and generally bland brother has just died, but you must continue to fight despite the hindrance of your oversized lips.
6. Your cousin is dead and your sister is dying, but since you are surrounded by an evil faction, all you can do is be evil.

Zipang Pick ‘n’ Mix

The generics sense that a HARD GAY encounter may be imminent.

The named characters remain evasive for fear of having to invite the generics into their bed.

“Your HARD GAY is now most impressive.”

“The only way to find out is to go to the bedroom and try them for ourselves.”

“Before that, I have to know if you are even up to the task of matching me in the bedroom.”

“I would hate for either one of us to die because of improperly performed HARD GAY.”

This one says it all.

Short parody: Escaflowne

Allen: I am bishie and I think I love you, Hitomi- what more do you need?

Hitomi: I’m sorry, but I prefer Van.

(Van: Damn women- the only lover I need is the Escaflowne itself).

A report comes in that a town has been attacked.

Hitomi: Oh no, it’s all my fault!

Allen: Damn, my lottery ticket wasn’t a winning one.

Hitomi: I’m so sorry, it was all my fault!

Van: You know, I never did get that toy sword I wanted as a child.

Hitomi: That was my fault too! Everything that has ever gone wrong in the history of humanity happened because of me!

Van: You know, maybe we should deal with your ego issues before we continue this quest.

The history of the moon in anime
Although it is most often confined to a presence in still shots, the moon has always held importance in anime. From wars between the Earth and the moon in the likes of YoakeNa and Turn A Gundam to visiting bases on the moon in Kurau and Planetes, the satellite remains the closest and more convenient place for off-world activities in science fiction. Perhaps surprisingly, however, the moon has also brought its legacy to Earth in the form of Busou Renkin’s Moonface (aka Lunar Nicholai), a man whose head can resemble any of the phases of the moon.

HARD YURI corner: Red Garden
Thanks to her insatiable love of HARD YURI, Lise took four separate lovers- Claire, Rose, Rachel and Kate. Following her death, the other four turned to each to form a HARD YURI unit, unaware that they were not mere HARD YURI lovers, but resurrected young women tasked with fighting men so that HARD YURI could flourish. Although they were initially scared to become experimental in their intense bedroom encounters, at the urging of their pimps Lula and JC, they learned to become more daring with their HARD YURI, with even the quiet and submissive Rose showing some spirit.

Unfortunately, everyone around them remains jealous of their HARD YURI bond, forcing them to stand up to young men fearful of HARD YURI and the HARD YURI members of the school’s Grace. Can their love survive?

OST Spotlight: Sousei no Aquarion OST 1
Yoko Kanno is certainly one of the most well known names as far as anime music goes, but when it comes to praising her work, the Aquarion soundtrack has yet to receive the attention it deserves. Although this OST is more skewed towards the classical side of her work, Kanno’s skill is still very much in evidence, proving that classical-style anime music does not have to be dull, repetitive or restricted to piano and strings. Alongside the slower and more grandiose themes, there is a healthy mix of catchy faster-paced tracks that carry the listener along for the ride. A strong offering, and one that is highly recommended to anyone who listens to anime music, however infrequently.

Notable tracks: Sousei no Aquarion (onii-sama to), Macho Battle, Max Bomber Girl, Michelle, Kikaitenshi Aquarion, Brown Horses, Dragon Reika, Pride~journey of grief, Omna Magni

Licensing Reactions

• Higurashi no Naku Koro ni (Geneon): Although it’s possible that they also have MariMite, SaiMono and Nanoha, I won’t talk about those until it’s official; however, as the presumable answer to the ANN competition, Higurashi at least must be a sure thing. Although I was temporarily won over by the creepy first arc and the goriness of Shion’s rampage, in retrospect Higurashi simply had too many weak points to be worth investing in.

Mini-rant: What’s my license?
Ah, who doesn’t remember the good old days? Chocolate bars were bigger, the internet was slower, and companies actually came out and told us which series they had licensed. In this new age, however, that is no longer the case- instead we have to be subjected to tedious viral marketing campaigns and “Guess the license” competitions at Anime News Network. Now, whilst this may have been an interesting gimmick to some when it first started, it seems I’m not the only one to be getting thoroughly fed up with it by now. All I care about is what has and hasn’t been licensed, so just announce it already! Do we expect to see “guess where the rapist struck?” or “which crime do you think this man committed?” on the news? Admittedly, anime licensing is less important, but do we really need to jump through hoops just to learn when a particular series is coming out on DVD? Just tell me straight how much to pay and when to pay it (if it is indeed worth buying at all)- that’s all I need to know.

In Your Reflection

This week’s head to head is between Chrono Crusade’s Joshua and Scrapped Princess’ Forsyth. Both are the blond haired brothers of the respective female leads, who are essentially good natured but have been forced by circumstances to live with the leads’ enemies.

Fashion police: Peorth
Ah, Peorth, I like your hairstyle, but why did you have to dress like a bondage queen? No doubt many people like it that way, and I have to admit it doesn’t look too bad if you glance at it out of the corner of your eye, but sadly, it doesn’t stand up to close inspection. The basic black bikini would be fine for a swimsuit episode, but aside from the fact that it looks a little too chilly and revealing for day to day wear, it is only made worse by the hideous orange buckle and strap combination (luckily she’s a goddess so we don’t have to worry about its defiance of the laws of physics). Unfortunately, the fingerless gloves and short boots in the same colour just serve to make the overall effect worse.

Fashion sense: D

Amusing Search Terms

ONE TOO MANY: Better cut back.

how to save in the diary on harvest moon: Sorry, but I can’t believe that someone is so incapable as to be unable to save their game in Harvest Moon.

Summer Days Episode: Ah yes, I remember that exact episode.

mai breast: Coming soon, Mai-Breast- all fanservice and no plot! Oh wait, that was Mai-Otome.

word round up: In the Word Round-Up, I review the most commonly used phrases of the week, such as “Hello”, “I’m fine”, and “I promise it will be done by next week”.

December 1^st: A truly great day, December 1^st, for it is the first of December. Don’t tell anyone I told you, though.

“Love it or loathe it”: marmite?

sei4C: I wish I could say something witty about this.

NOIR / WE HAD TO LET YOU HAVE IT: This must be a line from the HARD YURI Noir sequel.

game maker sprite flames: Will RPG Maker sprite Robespierre do?

Lolicon: it’s getting popular again, to the extent of 50 searches on some days.

you toube basketball: It’s good to see you toube continuing to evolve.

large boobs: more H-cup.

Busou renkin hentai doujins: No, please…no.

how can use my audition perfect hack: I don’t know.

Harvest Moon gay love: Anton loves his wife, his horse and his chickens, but not other men.

auditionsea cash hack: Did I hear you say cash?

game characters: How specific.

My Meine Liebe Wieder: Yours? Are you the creator?

Dangerous love: Is it worth the risk?