Sensei enters the classroom.

Sensei: Class, today there is no class! As the world is ending tomorrow, we must make the most of our final hours?

Chiri: What do you mean, Sensei?

Sensei pulls out an diagram of CERN and the Large Hadron Collider.

Sensei: When they switch this on tomorrow, it will create a micro black hole and the whole world will be sucked in?

Kafka: I’m sure that won’t happen, Sensei.

Chiri: It’s just a baseless speculation- no sensible person would believe in it. Remember when the world was going to end in 1999?

Sensei: If we don’t take this seriously, then the world will really end and we’ll have missed a vital opportunity to completely disregard authority.

Sensei pours out a drink of alcohol, but it falls off the desk and smashes on the floor.

Sensei: Zetsubou shita! These reports of the end of the world have left me in despair!

• Dancing lessons would have been back on Friday.
• Tickets booked for events next year are now worthless.
• Even if the world does end, we won’t know it happened.
• The new school year has begun- all those wasted applications and homework!
• We needn’t have worried about resources running out.
• All those B-movies were wrong.

What’s in Naoki’s Newspaper?

Viewers of Itazura na Kiss will have noticed that Naoki pays more attention to his newspaper than his wife, but what is it that keeps him so occupied? We decided to suggest some possible articles that might have caught his eye.

• “How to be a Complete and Utter Bastard”
• “How not to be a Complete and Utter Bastard” (he keeps rereading it in the hopes that it will make sense one day).
• “Sweater Fashions: What not to wear”
• “Wil Schultz and Major Stork’s family advice column”

Blade of the Immortal 2

“Oh, homicidal- I thought you said homosexual!”

“You are a lousy lover!”

“But his Liang was Zhuge!”

“It is not the size that matters, it’s the technique.”

“Yesterday, you got greedy and tried to have two men at once!”

“One of them was an accursed gaijin, a filthy white man!”

“No man has ever tried to Pleasure two partners at once before!”

“And that one of them was a savage was even worse!”

“Who cares as long as you conquer your partner and force them to submit?”

“You don’t even need to undress to make me think dirty thoughts about you.”

“Teenage boys, on the other hand…”

“If you want to turn STRAIGHT, then you might as well go the whole way.”

“If you are as frustrated as you say, then show me by giving me the greatest Pleasure of my life!”

“Very well- I will.”

HARD GAY corner: Final Fantasy Tactics

Deprived of the HARD GAY a boy naturally enjoys with his brothers, Ramza Beoulve turned to his best friend Delita, but their happy years together came to an end when Delita decided to pursue new methods of Pleasure. Whilst Delita tried to set events in motion to cause the largest orgy ever, Ramza travelled the land, searching for the ultimate in HARD GAY partners. Unfortunately, all too often he was branded a heretic for hurting old men who only wanted little boys, but along the way he recruited the likes of Gun user Mustadio, “Hell in bed” knight Malak and Swordsman Orlandu to satisfy him in the bedroom. In the end, however, he decided that INCEST with his sister Alma was the way to go, and rode off into the sunset.

Mini-editorial: Are we too obsessed with tagging everything?

Mini-editorial is back (for this week, anyway), and we’re here to discuss the new(-ish) phenomenon that’s swept the internet- tags! From blog posts to images, everything can now be tagged with useful keywords that make searching for what you need that much easier, but whilst I find tagging as useful as the next internet addict, I have to wonder if we’ve gone a step too far. For example, these days when I write a review for Amazon, there’s an option to add tags to that review, and I have to wonder- does anyone actually use those tags in any constructive way whatsoever? Are we now at the stage where we tag things for the sake of it? Are we cluttering up our world with useless tags just because it’s a bit of a novelty? Or will the great tag infrastructure of the world someday prove useful? Like all things, maybe we need to use tagging in moderation- in some places, it is of course highly useful, but if it brings nothing to whatever we’re doing, maybe we shouldn’t be quite so tag-happy.

Harem of the week: Kazuki (Dual)

After being sent to a parallel universe, Kazuki discovered more than a few beautiful girls were up for spending time with him- all ultimately coming to live in the same house. What else would you expect from the creator of Tenchi?

Harem

Mitsuki Sanada: The main girl who comes across from Kazuki’s home universe- the tsundere type who hates any form of competition.

Mitsuki Rara: Mitsuki’s parallel universe counterpart; although she dresses up and plays the part of the overbearing enemy queen, her natural personality is reserved and self-effacing.

D: An alien being in an artificial body, she interprets things literally and has little understanding of the nuances of human behaviour.

Yayoi: The older woman, she acts as a mentor and teacher but holds a torch for Kazuki after he saves her life.

Forget the DS- how about the Five Screen?

Are two screens just not enough? Perhaps you want a bit more challenge when it comes to keeping track of onscreen events? Then why not invest in the new Five Screen? Arranged in the shape of an open-topped cube, the Five Screen unfolds to reveal all of its screens, each of which can be configured to be a touch screen. Use screens to control your characters, keep track of enemy stats, view overworld maps and much, much more! The insanity just keeps mounting up when you try to play anything on the Five Screen!

Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei: the lost chapters

Sensei: Class, today we will be visiting all of your homes for some long overdue spring-cleaning!

The class visits various homes, chucking out everyone’s personal belongings.

Kafka: Sensei, why are we doing this?

Sensei: We need to minimise! Throw out all these useless belongings and start anew!

Chiri picks up something.

Chiri: But this might be useful someday!

Sensei: Zetsubou shita! The society that hangs onto clutter that might be useful has left me in despair!

• Keeping clothes that don’t fit you even though they’ll be out of fashion by the time you lose weight.
• Picking up free gifts and discarded items in case they might be useful at home.
• Keeping spare parts for a car or appliance you got rid of years ago.
• Keeping toys your kids have grown out of in case your friends have children.

*NEW* Anime Big Brother

As Necromancer and the internet-departed Hopeless know, Tuesday Rumble leeches some of its best ideas from random conversations with others, which is why credit goes to Hanners for this new feature. This week we’ll be meeting the first bunch of housemates, and even if, like me, you care little or nothing for the real show, I promise this will be worth the read.

Lawrence: A travelling merchant and trader, Lawrence’s desire to make a profit will no doubt manifest when he meets his fellow housemates.

Horo: Known as Horo the Wise, this wolf-girl has several lifetimes of experience and the ability to transform into a giant wolf, but will her insatiable love of apples endear her to the audience?

Kuu-chan: An ancient fox who has forgotten his or her true gender, Kuu is powerful, capricious and bound to shake things up amongst the housemates.

Allison: A young pilot with boundless energy and a definite crush on Wil- but will their extended time in close proximity enable him to finally grasp it?

Wil: An intelligent and bookish young man who might just be pulled out of his shell in the Big Brother house.

Aoki: Having taken some time off from his important work at Section Nine Mark II, will Aoki be able to put aside his dedication to reports to integrate with the housemates?

Watanuki: A young man with the ability to see spirits and a rare talent for cooking.

Doumeki: Watanuki’s schoolmate, stoic to the point of being little more than rock.

Lelouch: An ambitious young man with a unique ability to control others around him- if he can use it successfully on such an unusual group of housemates.

Heat: A member of the Embryon Tribe from Digital Devil Saga’s Junkyard, Heat has a tendency to transform into a demon when angered or just hungry.

Amatsuki 5

“…all of it kinky.”

“But sadly it all contravenes broadcast regulations, so we have to wait until later.”

“Are you ready to see my most intimate secrets?”

“This takes all the fun out of guessing, I know.”

“We can’t have HARD GAY!”

“Cross-dressing is the norm around here.”

“As is castration.”

I have to admit there are some conveniences I’d rather go without.

Er, yes…

“My knowledge of arcane Pleasure techniques has made me a sought after lover.”

“Of course, without adequate time to prepare, I might damage my partner in the heat of the moment.”

“Even though, I consider myself a master of Pleasure.”

“…just as long as my Liang is in perfect condition.”

This Week in Anime

“Watermelon, do exactly as I say or I’ll smash you with this stick!”

Shinichiro’s mother’s secret apple habit is exposed.

…but which is better? There’s only one way to find out…

“So many apples…”

“Normally you’re in and out of the bedroom in about twenty minutes.”

Phone sex, Hyper Self Pleasure and DOG all in one go?

“I’ve done it! I’ve created the ultimate cat!”

What more can I say?

Even Sunao has fallen to the apple curse.

“Oh come, there’s no way I can service this many men in one evening.”

“Hang on a moment, I’ll call Akagi and tell him there’s a match on.”

“Sir, we have a Very Close Alert!”

“Give me more details!”

“I can’t- that’s all the monitor is telling me!”

Mutant purple lemons introduced at the latest Fruit Conference.

“Cross-dressing forever!”

Oranges are pros at draining the energy of nearby life forms.

“At last- the perfect apple has been selected!”

“Mmm, crunchy.”

The Jewellery Channel is still popular even in the future.

Classic PC games: Hocus Pocus

A platformer from the mid-90s, Hocus Pocus sees you take on the role of the eponymous wizard as you attempt to save the dimensions from evil and earn enough kudos to impress both your elders and your sweetheart. Set over four episodes (the first of which is shareware) of nine levels each, Hocus Pocus is all about the usual platformer content of collecting items, earning bonuses, defeating enemies and of course facing ridiculously oversized bosses.

Although all the environments are similar (being palette-swapped mystical castles based on different themes such as Egyptian, jungle or classical European), the game is good fun throughout, although there is something of an imbalance between difficulty levels (in easy mode, you lose 4% of health per hit, but in normal this triples to 12%, and in hard it is 16%). The background music is generally catchy, making this a nice little game that will entertain beginners and experienced players alike.

Mini-editorial: Is it a blogger’s ‘duty’ to write about everything they see/watch/play?

An odd thought occurred to me some weeks ago- since I go to the trouble of maintaining my blog, should I try to make it as complete as possible by reviewing every single game, anime and manga series that passes my way? Should I make my review archive as complete as it can possibly be instead of not reviewing something because everyone else watched it years ago and I can’t bring anything new to the discussion (or even admit that I only recently caught up on it?). Obviously, it’s up to me to decide what to write on here, but does anyone else get caught up in this feeling of having a ‘duty’ to express one’s opinions whenever and wherever possible? Or is it good to enjoy a series from time to time without worrying too much about what you’re going to write about it afterwards?

Harem of the week: Tate Yuuichi (Mai-HiME manga)

Elevated in importance in the manga, Tate became the Key to releasing the power of two HiMEs.

Harem

Mai: The impossibly large breasted main HiME who ends up living with Tate.

Natsuki: The tsundere HiME who ends up living with the others after her dorm is wrecked, resulting in a high friction ménage à trios.

Shiho: A PRINCESS who turns up later in the manga.

MyAnimeList and rising divorce rates

As users of MyAnimeList.net will know, whenever you click on another users profile, you can see their compatibility with them- a simple thing, perhaps, but one rife with potential problems. For example, when you find a high compatibility with someone, you might assume that they are your destined soul mate, but a few series disagreements later, and your falling compatibility can spell the end of the relationship. Some say that MAL has become one of the prime motivators for divorce, with angered couples citing such problems as a 2 point difference in ratings for Slayers TV as grounds for separation.

Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei: the lost chapters

Sensei: There will be no class today- I’ve decided to finally kill myself!

Sensei looks around for his rope and noose, only to find that Arai has it.

Arai: I’m sorry, but you can’t have this in the classroom- it’s a health and safety risk.

Sensei: Zetsubou shita! The society that’s obsessed with safety has left me in despair!

• Stores that won’t let you buy too much paracetamol.
• Regulations that don’t let kids play outside in case they get hurt.
• Villains unable to burn the hero’s village in case of smoke inhalation.
• Parents having to sign consent forms to let teachers hug an injured child.
• Barbed wire fences banned in case they harm burglars.
• Travel pillows not allowed near pets, children, soft furnishings and sharp objects in case of damage.

Amatsuki 4

“Humans have the living touch, but robots can go for hours!”

“If you decide to sleep with me, I’d like to be called Big Boy.”

“You’re only good for Pleasure, after all.”

“In the bedroom, I will be your willing love slave.”

“Help, this blind is attacking us!”

“I can’t help but want kinky Pleasure!”

“I don’t want Pleasure from you, and she doesn’t either!”

“This is getting seriously twisted now.”

“You saw a few Liangs, but you couldn’t touch any of them.”

“If he’s as big as you say, we must take him to our beds at once!”

“He can’t really be that big, can he?”

“I’d like to, but we have to settle on a partner first.”

“And if Toki is worthy, he must be included in our Pleasure plans.”

“Haven’t I always been good enough for you?”

This Week in Anime

Apples prove important in the Tsubasa world- and indeed, they make more sense than the plot.

Lina Inverse is overwhelmed by the sheer volume of fruit in anime.

Lawrence selects the best HORSE.

Oh no, even Aria has fallen prey to evil infiltration tactics of Pizza Hut!

Grapes have moved from anime to live action.

“I ended up in hospital after tangling with this basket of fruit.”

Bananas!

…and melons!

Tomatoes!

Watermelon!

I want this kitty cup.

Chickens are great.

Dango Kazoku!

Mango!

It’s important to treat your fruit properly.

Fruit jewellery- does it get any better than this?

New Wang roll out their Italian products.

Classic PC games: Invasion of the Mutant Space Bats of Doom

Who couldn’t love a game with such a cheesy B-movie title? A reworking of the old staple Space Invaders, Space Bats is a scrolling shooter with a difference; as well as being able to move left and right, you can also manoeuvre vertically- an important asset when trying to dodge invading space bats.

Unsurprisingly, the aim of the game is to shoot your way through wave upon wave of invading bats, each with their own style of attacking- from the ‘mother bats’ who can drop babies on you to the fire bats and their deadly flaming wings. Each level consists of twenty-one rounds, including two bonus levels where you shoot at harmless orbs in an attempt to earn points and power-ups. The shareware version contains only level one, but don’t be too disappointed- levels two and three just contain harder versions of exactly the same enemies, without any attempts at additional innovation.

There are also several versions of the game available, each of which is slightly different. Depending on which version you have, you may get a two-player mode, an ‘orb game’ which solely consists of bonus levels, and either a boss ‘mother bat’ battle or no combat at all in rounds 21, 42 and 63. Some versions also contain a very easy to use cheat mode, in which setting the controller to mouse and then right clicking periodically destroys everything on screen (the game may crash if you use this on the bonus rounds).

Although simplistic, the in-game graphics have their own charm, whilst background music consists of just two tracks, both of which are fortunately rather catchy. Overall, then, this is a nice little shooter which will help you relive those retro days.

Next week I’ll cover the sequel to this game, Return of the Mutant Space Bats (don’t say you didn’t see that title coming).

Mini-editorial: categorising blogs

As we all know, the Anime Blog Awards and their associated drama, voting and what-have-you took place recently, with the whole thing being divided into different sections for newcomer, editorial, humour and so forth. Naturally, this got me to thinking- do we really need to categorise blogs at all? What about people who write about a broad variety of things without particularly specialising in any one area?

Azure Flame itself is generally regarded purely for its parody, quite ironic considering that I’ve actually posted far more reviews than parodies for many months now, and also a little disheartening- is everything non-parody on my blog simply too minor and uninteresting to be worth mentioning? Still, at least I have some recognisable gimmicks- what of those who have none? Should they suffer in obscurity because they’ve chosen to write about what takes their fancy, instead of marketing a particular style? Then again, as always, does it matter as long as they enjoy blogging?

Harem of the week: Kira and Athrun (Gundam Seed/Destiny)

In between enjoying HARD GAY with each other, Kira and Athrun managed to rack up an impressive number of girls between them, even swapping and sharing at points.

Harem

Lacus: Originally Athrun’s fiancée, later becomes attached to Kira.

Cagalli: Kira’s sister (in a convoluted sort of way), main Seed love interest for Athrun.

Lunamaria: Typically useless female pilot, admires Athrun but ends up with Shinn.

Meyrin: Lunamaria’s sister, dreams of being a useful character who gets noticed by Athrun.

Meer: Fake Lacus used by Durandal, sticks close to Athrun for a while.

Flay: Manipulative bitch queen who tries to get close to Kira so that she can then force him to risk his life in battle.

Rivals

Shinn: Angsty new hero of Destiny, desperate to usurp the old guard.

Sai: The only minor character foolish enough to have feelings for Flay.

We’ve considered this crossover before, but now is the time for the Mai franchise to take another step towards world domination with Mai-Undine! In Neo Venezia, aspiring Undines must learn to harness their gondola power in order to defend their respective companies from attack. Complete with fat cats, transformation sequences and those infamous gondola battles, Mai-Undine is the one to watch this summer!

Tsubasa Chronicle OVA1

“Well, I’ll break that promise as and when the plot demands.”

“Seeing as you’re so useless when you’re awake and all.”

“Is it a Zhuge Liang?”

“Better get our Swords out just in case.”

“The only thing that’s large and powerful around here is in my trousers.”

“If it’s HARD GAY you’re after, we’re CLAMP bishies, so expect plenty of it.”

“Well, that’s our evening sorted, then.”

“Some people have wanted her to sleep for the whole series.”

“Time for more Sword!”

“To interfere would be to spoil the plot- and anyway Fei Wong is going to kill me off shortly.”

Is this a hint that the Infinity Arc will be animated?

The Jintarou Kyle Show

Kyle: Welcome back to the Jintarou Kyle show! Before the break, we spoke to Tenma and Yakumo, two sisters living on their without their parents. Now we turn to a new family in the same situation- the Minami sisters! Everyone, please welcome Haruka onto the show!

Haruka enters.

Kyle: Your sisters are backstage, Haruka, but before we hear from them, we’d like to talk to you. Is it true that you’ve been put in the position of head of the family, even though you’re still in high school yourself?

Haruka: That’s right. I have to do all the cooking and cleaning for the family- I even gave up a chance to go abroad because I knew I had to stay and look after them.

Kyle: And where do you get your money from?

Haruka: Our parents did leave us some money in the bank, but it’s running low now- if they don’t come back soon, I’ll probably have to start looking for a job.

Kyle: Hasn’t it always been your dream to finish high school and go onto college?

Haruka: Yes…

Haruka starts crying.

Kyle: Now, let’s welcome Kana and Chiaki on the show.

Kana and Chiaki enter.

Kyle: You’ve just heard everything Haruka had to say backstage. What do you think of the situation?

Chiaki: Haruka-neesama, I’ll do everything I can to help you. I don’t want to be a burden. You’ll help too, won’t you, Kana?

Kana: Yeah, maybe.

Chiaki hits Kana.

Chiaki: Idiot!

Kyle: I think the situation in anime Japan is shameful! Parents leaving their children home alone for months and years at a time! But here at the Jintarou Kyle show, we’re here to right all the wrongs of the world, one family at a time! Haruka, we’ll do what we can to track down your parents, and help you realise your dream of going to college.

The audience cheers.

Kyle: Join us next time on the Jintarou Kyle show for “Forced to Pilot a Giant Robot- even though I’m only in junior high!”

This Week in Anime

Will the Harvest Moon nightmare never end?

Melons!

Oranges!

“…No…”

Fat cats on a diet? Has the world gone mad?

Bananas!

Apples evolve to the next level.

Aika is caught staring at Al’s bum.

As the devil’s fruit, it’s no wonder apples can lure people to hell.

Note the apples on the left hand side.

To be fair, I haven’t learned the lambada, but something seems a little wrong here.

Could this be the world’s Zhugest Liang, recreated in bread?

If this doesn’t look dodgy, I don’t know what does.

“He’d give me all types of Pleasure, no matter how kinky.”

“I may prefer peaches, but an apple a day keeps Doctor You away.”

“I’m sick of this all apple diet!”

“Sorry, but there are more apples in the fridge.”

“Who keeps fruit in the fridge?”

Classic PC games: Jazz Jackrabbit

Basically a Sonic clone for PC (complete with 3D bonus levels), Jazz Jackrabbit was a fun platformer that was actually somewhat easier than the game that inspired it. Unlike Sonic, Jazz could take multiple hits and came armed with some of the most powerful weapons a hare has ever wielded, from rapid fire missiles to rubber explosives- all necessary for his multi-planet crusade to defeat the evil turtles and rescue the hare princess.

Unfortunately, like so many games of its era, the shareware first episode was easy and enjoyable, but the levels in the full version were much harder and less satisfying. Even so, I will go back and finish them some day- perhaps.

Mini-editorial: Perfection vs. enjoyment

All anime viewers are searching for that holy grail- the perfect series that can make the likes of Aria and Dennou Coil look merely adequate. Along the way, however, we tend to watch a lot of incidental titles (crap, if you will), and sometimes the question must occur to us- isn’t it okay to watch a poorer series just for the entertainment factor? Must we always be highbrow and only watch those series with true merit, or is it okay to indulge in the guilty pleasure of a poorer series that nonetheless makes us smile? Should we hide the fact that we actually quite liked at least parts of Inukami, Dirty Pair Flash, MagiPoka and so forth? Will it make our anime habit less shameful if we pretend we’re only in it to appreciate high art? Then again, who care what we do with our spare time?

In Your Reflection

Too lazy for pictures; to be edited in later.

It’s time for the first head-to-head in a while, as we compare Slayers’ Amelia with Disgaea’s Flonne. Both operate as part of an eclectic bunch of ‘heroes’, and each has an obsession with justice and righteousness, with specialty skills in white magic.

Still missing Busou Renkin? On the off-chance that you actually are, why not imagine a world where the series has its own RPG? In the style of Star Ocean, all battles are fought in real-time, with trigger buttons used to unleash special attacks from a player’s Busou Renkin. Whether you fancy stabbing the enemy with Sunlight Heart or ripping them apart with the Valkyrie Skirt, this is the game for you.

Playable characters: Kazuki, Tokiko, Bravo, Ouka, Shusui, Papillon, Gouta

Shion no Ou 19

“He was the only man I cared about.”

Satoru gets desperate for some phone sex.

“This will help me get in the mood for my later customers.”

“You know those kinky photos we took last time? I really need copies.”

“I don’t need Pleasure today, Ayumi.”

“Hani-meijin is mine now!”

“She taught us how to use these hands for Hyper Self Pleasure!”

Dragons’ Den

Welcome to our regular feature based on the TV program of the same name, in which anime characters try to market their great idea to five fat cats of anime! President Aria made his fortune in the gondola industry of Neo Venezia, and is now CEO of a well-known company. Mikoto started her business in the capital of Wind Bloom, and is now a trusted advisor to the queen, with business partners scattered across the world. The Admiral’s first business venture was to invest in a Chinese restaurant, but a meteor threat to Earth saw her buy shares in ground and space based defence technology, which she currently administers with her protégé “The General” (aka Shogun). Mr Tibbs started his career as a tea cat for the bank, but his sound grasp of finance saw him rise up the ranks until he became one of their most prominent managers. Finally, The Cardinal is the world’s most powerful fat cat, with a wide range of business interests that ensure that he has a paw in every pie (often literally, depending on his appetite). These five cats represent some heavyweight investment clout in every sense of the word, but is any deal attractive enough to get them to roll off their backsides and shake paws with a budding entrepreneur?

The latest entrepreneur to brave the Den is Taro, a generic male with a rather interesting proposal- the sale of personal harems for men and women.

Taro: Hello everyone, I’m Taro, and I’m here to show you how you can revolutionise your life with your own personal harem! Lonely men can spice up their lives with our starter pack of Lead Girl, Tsundere, Meganekko and Maid, whilst add-on such as Sports Girl, Android, Iinchou and many more are available for purchase from our website. We also cater for the female market with specialised reverse harems of bishounen.

Admiral: This is all very interesting, but we’re cats- we aren’t really interested in human mating rituals. I’m out.

Cardinal: Actually, I am interested if I can make money from it. I can foresee this being a nice little earner.

Taro’s proposal has already caused controversy in the Den, but can he rely on the Cardinal’s interest in the product to land an offer?

Aria: Punyu? [Do you cater for people looking to land a specific partner?]

Taro: Well, we’ve really chosen to specialise in harems at the moment.

Aria: Punyu. [That’s a shame- if it can’t help me get President Hime, I’m out.]

Mikoto: To be honest, I’ve spent some time in the company of generic characters, and the idea of flooding the market with more of them frightens me. I’m out.

Three Dragons are out already, but will either the Cardinal or Mr Tibbs throw Taro a lifeline?

Cardinal: I don’t know what the others are on about- not only can we make a killing from lonely otaku with this, but we can then make generic anime series about their lives and sell related merchandise. I’d like to make you an offer.

It’s success for Taro, but will this cause the anime market to collapse from harem overload? We can only wait and see.

This Week in Anime

“In the old days, Grandpa and I would have tomato carrying races.”

Magatama make a long-awaited return.

Jaco Daniels, not to be confused with Jack Daniels.

“Oh god, I’m losing the baby!”

The true purpose of the pyramids is finally revealed- they were meant to house giant apples.

“Could this be the fabled Strawberry Mountain I’ve heard so much about?”

“Melons! Get your watermelons, parsnips and nondescript round things here!”

“Could this be- fruit?”

“One day I will live in luxury, consuming whatever fruit I wish!”

“You didn’t mean to drink the invisibility potion?”

Little did we know how important apples were to become in Spice and Wolf.

“Am I too late for the tomato carrying race?”

Sweet juicy apples…

…you can never have enough.

Maybe that’s why shinigami like them so much.

Just for DS, we now track dango!

That basket of oranges has been in so many series.

How can I order from this Zamahzon place?

Neapolitan dango.

*NEW* Classic PC Games: Traffic Department 2192

As part of a new feature, we go back in time to investigate the PC games that shaped Karura’s formative years, starting with the surprisingly influential Traffic Department 2192. Set in the future on the distant planet of Seche, TD 2192 deposits you right in the middle of the war between the native Traffic Department and the invading Vulture army; you’ll play as Lieutenant Marta Velasquez, a pilot with a sharp tongue and a chip on her shoulder, through twenty missions in the shareware version, and a further forty in the full version.

Actual game play is rather simple- in either a hoversled or helicopter, you fly around the city accomplishing the objective of either wiping out the enemy or protecting your ally. Gunning down everything in sight is usually the way forward, and since the number of maps you use is rather limited, you won’t have to worry about finding your way around. Nonetheless, it’s good fun- but what really makes the game stand out is what happens between missions, namely, the dialogue. With a somewhat crude yet surprisingly funny set of exchanges and one-liners, TD 2192 was the kind of game you couldn’t play when your parents were in the room, although admittedly by the second and third episodes both the humour and the plot had worn a little thin.

Visually, TD 2192 uses ray trace graphics for scrolling, arcade style gameplay, whilst the music is oddly catchy- especially the three tracks used in missions. It may have not been played by many, but those who try it will always remember TD 2192 with a degree of fondness.

Mini-editorial: Should the future of DVD releases lie in boxsets alone?

In the days when I was young and reckless, I would purchase single DVDs as they came out- hungrily devouring the three to five episodes on an average disc over the course of an evening or two. It was all very exciting to be at the cutting edge of the UK and sometimes US market (which admittedly wasn’t all that cutting edge compared to the latest releases from Japan), but by the time I had amassed several hundred DVDs, it occurred to me that I had perhaps spent rather a lot of money on this pursuit.

From then on, my desire for single DVDs seemed to peter out, especially when the patient were almost always rewarded with cheap boxsets that were a relief for both the bank account and the heaving shelves. Being able to marathon a whole series without long two month gaps that ensured you’d pretty much forgotten what had happened at the beginning by the time you reached the end was something of a revelation, not to mention the series where you weren’t in any rush because you’d already seen it on fansub.

With all this in mind, it seems no wonder that the market for single DVDs has declined, to the point where some series have even been pulled due to poor sales. And with 13-26 episode sets becoming increasingly popular, wouldn’t it be better to make the switch completely and save the printing and production costs of the single DVDs? Or do they still have a role as more expensive ‘comparison products’ that actually help the boxsets to sell better?

Harem of the week: Juliet (Romeo X Juliet)

Her one true love was meant to be Romeo, but she somehow amassed many more admirers in her quest to find a plot.

Harem

Romeo: Her true love, with whom she would share an angst-filled relationship.

Tybalt: Dark brooding bishounen who always appeared during Juliet’s hours of need.

Curio: Stoic Kurogane type who secretly loves Juliet but never reveals his feelings.

Francisco: Blonde playboy who hides deep feelings for Juliet.

Antonio: Obligatory shota.

Rivals

Hermione: Romeo’s fiancée- gives up on him when the plot turns against her.

Cielo: Romeo’s HORSE, and his first lover.

Like all the best entrepreneurs, President Aria built himself up from nothing, with his dream of hitting the big time beginning in his early years. Whilst roaming the back streets of Neo Venezia, Aria dreamed of the day when he would be able to afford his own hat, and resolved to find a business partner to help him achieve this mighty dream. After some consideration, he selected Akino, an undine from Himeya Company, and the pair set up their first and most enduring enterprise- Aria Company.

Although it was hard to break into a market already dominated by Himeya and Orange Planet, Aria’s business acumen and his talent for hiring the best people helped Aria Company build up a legendary reputation- and all the while a steady trickle of profits began accumulating in the president’s bank account. Even so, for an entrepreneur of Aria’s level, it was not enough- he knew he would have to branch out.

With the help of Aqua’s foremost feline power, Cait Sith, Aria began to branch out his enterprises, dealing with numerous companies and even, rumour has it, allying himself with the Neo Venezian mafia. With his charming manner and inimitable ‘punyu’, Aria became a household name, with the numerous products he endorsed gaining immense popularity.

These days, Aria has risen high enough that he likes to sit back and enjoy the fruits of his labours where possible, but don’t be fooled by his laid back attitude- behind the scenes this feline heavyweight is always popping into company meetings and keeping up with the latest developments in the business pages, and if there’s a good investment to add to his impressive portfolio, he isn’t one to pass it up.

Shion no Ou 18

“I’ve had to make do with night after night of Hyper Self Pleasure!”

“HARD GAY is serious now!”

“The strength to Pleasure many lovers in one night!”

“Ayumi, don’t even try to run away- you’re my bitch now.”

“We can observe some naked men from there.”

“I’m no longer a trap- I’m openly HARD GAY.”

“I had to come out of the closet.”

“Could it be that mere generics weren’t meant to have wild nights of Pleasure?”

Yasuoka’s wife catches him watching adult videos on his laptop.

Dragons’ Den
Welcome to our regular feature based on the TV program of the same name, in which anime characters try to market their great idea to five fat cats of anime! President Aria made his fortune in the gondola industry of Neo Venezia, and is now CEO of a well-known company. Mikoto started her business in the capital of Wind Bloom, and is now a trusted advisor to the queen, with business partners scattered across the world. The Admiral’s first business venture was to invest in a Chinese restaurant, but a meteor threat to Earth saw her buy shares in ground and space based defence technology, which she currently administers with her protégé “The General” (aka Shogun). Mr Tibbs started his career as a tea cat for the bank, but his sound grasp of finance saw him rise up the ranks until he became one of their most prominent managers. Finally, The Cardinal is the world’s most powerful fat cat, with a wide range of business interests that ensure that he has a paw in every pie (often literally, depending on his appetite). These five cats represent some heavyweight investment clout in every sense of the word, but is any deal attractive enough to get them to roll off their backsides and shake paws with a budding entrepreneur?

This week two brand new entrepreneurs have dared to brave the Den- merchant Lawrence Craft and his business partner Horo. Can they win over the Dragons with their confident sales pitch?

Lawrence: Hello Dragons, my name is Lawrence, a freelance merchant looking for a fast investment of some fifty-odd Rumione in my company. We are traders who travel across the country dealing in everything from furs and pepper to armour and even, of late, gold smuggling.

Cardinal: Gold, eh- I like the sound of that- but why do you need such a swift investment?

Lawrence: Er, well, the thing is- we’re in a bit of debt at the moment.

Mr Tibbs: Debt? Do you think the Dragons are your personal bank? I’m out!

Horo: Ah, but they do say that an entrepreneur who is in debt is also in business, don’t they?

Cardinal: Hahaha, I like your spunk!

Aria: Punyu? [Do you deliver to Neo Venezia?]

Lawrence: Not at the moment…

Horo: …but it will be easy enough to alter our trade routes.

Mikoto: What about Windbloom?

Horo: We can deliver anywhere you need.

The Admiral: Do you deal in spaceship parts?

Lawrence: I can’t say we even know what a spaceship is, but we have this armour here.

Admiral: Nice try, but I know that armour is worthless at the moment, so I’m out.

Cardinal: If I give you the money, what exactly are you going to do with it?

Lawrence: Pay off my debt, and then continue trading as normal. Of course, you’ll get a share of any future profits I make.

Mikoto: And if you go out of business?

Lawrence: I’m a main character- I can’t go out of business!

Cardinal: I have a good feeling about you two- especially the girl with the ears and tail. Please accept my investment, and may we do good business from now on.

Horo and Lawrence have managed to entice the Cardinal into investing, but will he appear in a future episode of Spice and Wolf? Tune in to find out!

This Week in Anime

Apples continue their takeover of SaiMono.

Dango and Go in the same screencap- this is just too much!

World’s largest fruit cocktail spotted.

“No apple is going to get the better of me!”

“Take heart, Shuurei- we can fight the apple invasion with the aid of these peaches!”

Shannon has a particularly disappointing HORSE session.

“Oh my god, he’s been killed by apples.”

“Here, little girl, take this delicious apple and join the revolution!”

“Now, let’s play Yu-Gi-Oh!”

“Gun may beat Knife, but Fork is the deadliest of all!”

Annual vegetable conference begins.

Tangerines are always watching us.

I have a Sony Vaio, er, I mean Avio.

Flash Game Review: The Big Red Button
All of us possess that innate desire to press the Big Red Button, and now you can do so- repeatedly. Less of a game than a clicking exercise, the idea of the Big Red Button is simply to ignore repeated warnings not to press said button, and keep on clicking it just to see what happens next. According to the game, there is also a hidden white button, but the truth of this statement has yet to be revealed.

Mini-editorial: Sticking with the formula?
When a series reaches a certain length, it gets thrust into a catch-22 situation- should it stick with the formula that got it this far, or should it try to evolve and update, possibly losing the very qualities that made it great in the first place? In order to fully examine this question, we will be delving not only into the world of anime, but also that of American TV shows, asking whether it would be better to simply cut things off in their prime.

Be it Keroro Gunso, School Rumble, Stargate SG-1 or even The Simpsons, there comes a time when you’ve used the same old format so often that the audience cannot help but tire of it. Even so, that won’t deter some of these old stalwarts; they have their setup and it’ll be a cold day in hell before they part with it. Used that joke before? Don’t worry, it was five years ago- no one will remember. Still stuck in the same old love triangle? Oh well, you can throw in a bit of development and then reset it.

Unfortunately, no matter how great something is to start with, the more you have of it, the less appealing it tastes, and indeed, those series that stick with the formula generally suffer for it, alienating their core fanbase and often turning into a tired parody of its former self. We’ve all seen it happen, but is the alternative any better?

If the static model is to be avoided, then can a series avoid death by trying to evolve and update? Old characters may be replaced with new, relationships may be developed and longstanding feuds resolved, but what are we, the viewer, left with? Gone are the very character and story dynamics that drew us to the series in the first place- instead, we have a bunch of new (and usually not very likable) characters, new adversaries and probably a few continuity errors to go with them. Did the Lead really have a previously unmentioned mother, father and brother? Was the former greatest power in the universe really a minor force compared to the new enemy? Why are we even watching this series anymore?

It seems, then, that the only answer to retaining quality is for a series to end on a high, choosing a “less is more” route. Sadly, in these days of commercialism, as long as there is money to be made, a series is more likely to simply be spun out for as long as it is profitable- regardless of the inevitable loss in quality.

Harem of the week: Samatarou (Kamisama Kazoku)
It’s hard being the son of God, and even more so when numerous women are after you- each of them possessing powers of their own.

Harem
Tenko: Samatarou’s guardian angel and main girl- has a typical on/off relationship with him.
Kumiko: The other woman at school, with more to her than meets the eye.
Meme: Samatarou’s little sister and token loli.
Misa: The sexy and troublesome older sister.
Venus: Despite being his mother, the high fanservice content of the series still qualifies her for the harem.

Rivals
Osamu: The old man still wants all the girls for himself.

The making of Azure Flame: Weekly Round-Up
In an ideal world, the Weekly Round-Up evolves naturally during the week- anime is watched when it is released, and then written about, building up an article that can be published without effort come Friday. Of course, as one can imagine, it often doesn’t work that way, with much of the viewing and writing about anime somehow accumulating until it must all be tackled on Thursday night (or, where time allows, Friday itself). Even so, once everything is finally viewed and written about (or put off until next week), the next stage is to pick out one screencap from the archives for the introduction, and then insert any amusing screencaps from the episodes themselves within the actual article.

• Each episode must begin with a 5-8 minute recap of the previous episode, and also conclude with a recap of the episode in case anyone forgets what happened.
• Flashbacks of each scene from varying points of view (i.e. negligibly different camera angles) will be heavily used.
• After each new line of dialogue, characters will ask “what did you say?”, and be treated with a flashback.
• Whenever characters ask questions relating to the past, they will be answered via flashback, even if said question is just “what did you have for breakfast this morning?”.
• After each blow, there will be a flashback so that the opponent can analyse it and choose their next move.
• Characters will frequently have flashbacks about having flashbacks.
• Every third episode will be a full-on recap episode.

Sisters of Wellber 11

Galahad decides to try the Harvest Moon life.

As with any Harvest Moon game, he has to start from scratch, on a farm that has practically nothing.

He also needs to find a bride in order to clear the game.

Angry knife gets serious.

“Sorry, but Gun beats Knife every time.”

Some say Gernia is a little unbalanced, but where is the evidence?

Stop, those are Sunrise magic mushrooms!

“Can you really survive on Hyper Self Pleasure alone?”

“That enables me to have HARD GAY!”

Dragons’ Den: The Dragonaut Boob airbag
Welcome to a new feature based on the TV program of the same name, in which anime characters try to market their great idea to five fat cats of anime! President Aria made his fortune in the gondola industry of Neo Venezia, and is now CEO of a well-known company. Mikoto started her business in the capital of Wind Bloom, and is now a trusted advisor to the queen, with business partners scattered across the world. The Admiral’s first business venture was to invest in a Chinese restaurant, but a meteor threat to Earth saw her buy shares in ground and space based defence technology, which she currently administers with her protégé “The General” (aka Shogun). Mr Tibbs started his career as a tea cat for the bank, but his sound grasp of finance saw him rise up the ranks until he became one of their most prominent managers. Finally, The Cardinal is the world’s most powerful fat cat, with a wide range of business interests that ensure that he has a paw in every pie (often literally, depending on his appetite). These five cats represent some heavyweight investment clout in every sense of the word, but is any deal attractive enough to get them to roll off their backsides and shake paws with a budding entrepreneur?

This week in the Den we have the mysterious yet well-known entrepreneur Melons, who is attempting to increase her assets by pitching a brand new product- the Dragonaut Boob Airbag. Will the soft and yielding Melons be able to impress the hard and unyielding Dragons?

Melons: Hello, my name is Melons and I represent the interests of Boobonaut: the Melonance. I’m here to pitch for investment in our new invention, the Boob Airbag. As you can see from these images, the immense size of Dragonaut Boobs makes them the perfect airbag, offering soft yet sturdy protection against shocks and impacts.

Aria: Punyu! [Can they really be that big?]

Mikoto: What about storage? These seem a little large to be stowed away in the dashboard- or indeed anywhere in the car- without suffocating the passengers.

Melons: Well, storage is an issue, but many male drivers have said that they like having them in the car.

Mikoto: I’m sure they do, but as a woman, I’m not interested- and that’s why I’m out.

Admiral: I’d like to declare myself out too.

Two Dragons are out already! Has Melons’ sexist pitch destroyed her credibility with the Dragons?

Aria: Punyu. [This isn’t the sort of image Aria Company wants to associate itself with, so I’m out.]

Cardinal: I can see great potential in your product, but at the same time when I have my underlings ram someone’s car, we don’t want them to survive, so there’s a conflict of interest there for me. I’m going to have to declare myself out- although I wouldn’t mind a sample airbag.

Only one Dragon now remains, but will the strait-laced Mr Tibbs be interested in investing in a product that will affect the reputation of his bank?

Mr Tibbs: I have to admit that I’ve been looking for ways to revitalise the image of the bank, but when I think of the consequences of associating myself with Dragonaut and hence Studio Gonzo, I have to say that it’s not in my interests.

Melons has crashed out of the Den without a single offer of investment! Will the next entrepreneur fare any better in the Den?

This Week in Anime

The future of HORSE is so terrifying that we must fight against it at all costs.

Apples reach unprecedented new sizes.

The police force tries a personal approach to recruiting with their new “I Need You!” posters.

According to a poster in the background, cats in boxes are prohibited.

These brightly coloured drinks remind me of the jelly desserts in Stargate SG-1.

Pizza Hut unveils its latest product.

In the new intense farming version of Harvest Moon, crops are grown by the hundred.

Ginko from Mushishi is spotted on Mokke.

Yes, many of us felt that way about the Bokurano anime.

I can’t help feeling that cinemas just aren’t as sophisticated as they used to be.

If in doubt, there’s always tea.

“Are you talking about…Hyper Self Pleasure?”

President Aria’s previously unknown black brother made his fortune in the thermo-logistics business.

Everyone thinks they have what it takes to become a Bartender.

“Apple or orange- which should I choose?”

Mai Tokiha reveals where she ended up after HiME ended.

Flash Game Review: The Impossible Quiz
If you like quizzes, then why not try your hand at the Impossible Quiz (or its successor), both designed to test your sanity and patience to the limit. Far from being straightforward, the Impossible Quiz is like that annoying kid in the playground that continually asks you trick questions and then treads on your toes when you get the answer wrong. Even so, there is still the compulsion to get as far as you can as you try to figure out the trick behind each question- through trial and error if nothing else. Good luck!

Mini-editorial: Blog posts- long-term vs. immediate value
Not quite a rehash of the tired old “editorial vs. episode summary” argument, the question here is about the value of a blog post versus time. Naturally, when any post first appears, it will draw attention from regular readers, aggregrator browsers and the like, but after that it slowly drops deeper and deeper into the archives, perhaps never to be read again. But which blog posts are more likely to escape internet oblivion?

The answer, of course, isn’t too hard to work out- parodies and reviews are likely to attract attention from Google searchers looking for opinions, whilst things like the weekly round-up, news posts and even Tuesday Rumble tend to be regarded more as products of that particular week. Months after it aired, no one cares about Clannad episode nine, but if they happened not to watch the series, they may want to check out a Clannad series review. Editorials are trickier to place, since it depends on their content (some topics are timeless, others are a reaction to the state of anime and the blogworld at that time).

The question then is this- should we consider the long-term value of our posts when we write them, or should we just stick with their immediate value? Does it really matter if our work sinks into the archives as long as it achieved its purpose at the time it was posted? Or is it depressing to think of the hundreds of thousands of words we poured our hearts into now lying abandoned and unread? Should we be putting our effort into something a little more permanent? Perhaps we must just go back to the old answer- we should be blogging because we enjoy it, without worrying about any higher-level reasoning behind it.

Reverse Harem of the week: Kuuya (Utawarerumono)
Determined to rival the lead and find peace through genocide, Kuuya surrounded herself with men, but ultimately failed and ended up with her mind reverting to that of a child.

Harem
Genjimaru: The wise older warrior and bodyguard.
Hien: The young and stoic one.
Hauenkua: The psychotic, gender-confused one.
Dii: The mysterious bishie who only pretends to be a part of the harem to further his own goals.
Hakuoro: The lead, Kuuya tries to recruit him but ends up joining his harem instead.

E-card: the new gaming phenomenon that’s taking over the nation
Forget Pokemon, move aside Yu-Gi-Oh!- a new card game is in town! The kids will just love E-card, a high stakes gambling game brought to you by your good friends in the yakuza! In each E-card starter set, you get a deck of cards containing Citizens, an Emperor and a Slave card, as well as special accessories to affix to your eye and ear! Gamble too much, and the pin in the accessory will penetrate the eyeball or eardrum, permanently damaging the organ. Bet against fellow players for big money, and remember- what’s a sensory organ or two amongst friends? You can play again and again and again with our special E-card sets!*

*Please wash eye and ear needles between use. Note that we cannot accept returns on used E-card sets.

Harvest Moon Ninomiya

Today we’re here to introduce a special game to you- Harvest Moon Ninomiya: Let Me Eat It!

As per usual, you have a supporting character to guide you through the tutorial section.

One new innovation in the game is the requirement of checking every single grain for quality before planting or shipping.

Cows can be kept outside in a custom-made pasture.

Sheep are also available.

New to the Harvest Moon franchise are pigs.

The game designers decide to bring us “pigs like you’ve never seen them before”.

Unfortunately, this is the only way to handle the pigs until you can afford a slaughterhouse.

Ah yes, and where would we be without the obligatory Liang joke?

Dragons’ Den: Celestial Brush
Welcome to a new feature based on the TV program of the same name, in which anime characters try to market their great idea to five fat cats of anime! President Aria made his fortune in the gondola industry of Neo Venezia, and is now CEO of a well-known company. Mikoto started her business in the capital of Wind Bloom, and is now a trusted advisor to the queen, with business partners scattered across the world. The Admiral’s first business venture was to invest in a Chinese restaurant, but a meteor threat to Earth saw her buy shares in ground and space based defence technology, which she currently administers with her protégé “The General” (aka Shogun). Mr Tibbs started his career as a tea cat for the bank, but his sound grasp of finance saw him rise up the ranks until he became one of their most prominent managers. Finally, The Cardinal is the world’s most powerful fat cat, with a wide range of business interests that ensure that he has a paw in every pie (often literally, depending on his appetite). These five cats represent some heavyweight investment clout in every sense of the word, but is any deal attractive enough to get them to roll of their backsides and shake paws with a budding entrepreneur?

Facing the Dragons this week are artist Issun and goddess Amaterasu, who are hoping for investment in their Celestial Brush. Will the Dragons be tempted by their business proposal?

Issun: Hello, I’m Issun and this furball here is Amaterasu. We’re here today asking for investment in our revolutionary Celestial Brush technology, which you can use to literally pause the world and alter it to your desires! If you buy our full package, you’ll be able to turn night into day (and vice versa), summon wind, fire, water, thunder and ice, repair broken objects, make flowers grow and much more!

Aria: Punyu? [So, what’s your pricing strategy for this?]

Issun: Well, we sell the initial brush with the Sunrise ability for 300,000 yen, and then all the other abilities are extra.

Cardinal: What about the ink?

Issun: Well, that refills naturally, but you have the option of purchasing more bottles to store it in.

Cardinal: Hmm, don’t you think you could make more money if you forced people to buy more ink instead of effectively giving it away?

The Cardinal has just pointed out a major flaw in Issun’s pricing strategy, but the entrepreneur seems undaunted.

Issun: Well, if it didn’t work this way, the world would probably under the control of the forces of darkness right now.

Mikoto: I’m very interested in this, but I’d like to know how many you’ve sold so far.

Issun: Well, er, Amaterasu has the full set, I’m learning, and Ninetails could do a bit too…

Mikoto: So, three sales so far?

Issun: I wouldn’t exactly call them sales.

Issun has just admitted that, despite some impressive boasting, he hasn’t actually sold any of his product yet! This does not go down well with the Dragons.

Mikoto: You know what- come back when you’ve actually got some sales to show me, because for now I’m out.

The Admiral: With this night and day thing, suppose I’ve just got into bed and you draw a sun? Do I have to get up and go to work?

Issun: Yes, but you can always draw a moon and make it night again.

Admiral: But that would mess up everything! I’m out!

Aria: Punyu! [Creating suns and such is a bit irresponsible, so I’m out too].

Mr Tibbs: I’m actually very interested in this- anything that gives the bank the ability to control the world must be good. I’d like to make you an offer.

Issun: Thank you very much- I’d like to accept

After a grilling in the Den, Issun walks away with an investment from Mr Tibbs! But how will our world change now that a fat cat has access to the powers of the Celestial Brush?

This Week in Anime

Painting work begins on new 1:1 scale Gunpla.

Budget cuts made at Pizza Hut’s branding department.

All foodstuffs are now to be sold in clearly labelled containers.

It’s not quite Aria, is it?

Mikoto-class cat spotted.

Generic factory produces too many units.

What an appetising looking lump of wood.

Sunrise decide to supplement ailing budget by moving into clock production.

HORSE has evolved with time.

A DOG tries to solicit customers in the blue light district.

“By your powers combined, I am Captain Planet!”

“I command you all to take up smoking!”

HARD GUNDAM.

If in doubt, just turn Super Saiyan.

Pears undertake a daring mission to infiltrate the apple basket.

Walnuts find a new niche.

Flash Game review: Light Puzzle
I’m a sucker for laser puzzles, and this little one amused me for a weekend during the Winter Olympics two years ago, so it’s way past time to point it out. As with all puzzles of this type, the idea is to get the laser beam to the target of the same colour, using whatever mirrors, beam splitters and prisms you are provided with. Naturally, it’s a simple enough task to begin with but one that gradually gets harder throughout the game’s 24 or so levels. Fear not, however, for if you get truly stuck, I have screencapped the solutions.

Mini-editorial: A few thoughts on Lain
A few weeks ago, Hige wrote about pretension, briefly mentioning his thoughts on Lain, and at the time I thought “hmm, I must say a few words about Lain too”. A series that blends the worlds of reality and the internet, Lain is one of things where you either don’t understand it but rave about how deep and complex it is, or you don’t understand it and openly admit that because of that, you couldn’t really enjoy it. Having said that, I cannot deny that there were large tracts of Lain that I didn’t understand, but whilst it is my least favourite of the four ABe series, it still has worth and merit for me.

As I said in my Sixty anime piece, Lain is anime of ‘layers’ rather than episodes- starting at the beginning in reality and slowly dropping deeper and deeper into the virtual world. Along the way, there is much to think about as the walls between reality and fantasy blur. Can consciousness exist on its own within the internet? What is the difference between one’s self and the person someone else perceives you to be, the “you” that exists only in their head? Or does the fact that people usually turn to Eva and Ghost in the Shell for these sorts of musings render Lain surplus to requirements?

That being said, should we really praise the creators for making a series so complex that viewers can barely understand it? Have they really packed it so full of that aforementioned depth and complexity that viewers must navigate their own way to meanings, or are they just so poor at presenting their ideas that the result is a mishmash of half-baked concepts?

Whatever the case, and in spite of the Michael Jackson look-alike who created the WIRED, I generally enjoyed Lain, but it will never be a series for everyone.

In Your Reflection

This week we have a head-to-head between two men from rather similar series- SaiMono’s Ensei and Twelve Kingdoms’ Shoryu (aka King En). Both men have similar appearance, along with a rough around the edges personality that belies their roles in government.

The making of Azure Flame: Screencap parody
This week we go behind the scenes to find out how a screencap parody is hewn out the rocks, polished and refined for your enjoyment. The process begins, unsurprisingly, by watching the episode (or in select cases, having someone else watch it), whilst basically spamming the screencap key to capture any potentially amusing moments. In this way, around 400 ‘raw’ screencaps will be generated.

The next step is to resize all the screencaps to 450px in width (or 225 in some cases), a task easily accomplished with either Irfanview or PhotoResize. The new, smaller screencaps are now pasted into Word, where the real work begins. Useless images are deleted, whilst amusing ones are captioned to retell the story of the episode; once all images are captioned, an introduction is written and the long process of uploading all screencaps and posting them all into Wordpress can begin.

For longer posts (100+ images), the parody will be split into two parts, although in some cases it’s had to go to three.

Okami 2
As we all know by now, when I love a game, I like to suggest improvements for the nonexistent sequel, and Okami is no exception. So, without further ado, let’s imagine what we might find in Okami 2 beyond the obvious desire for it to be an immersive, beautiful and never-ending experience.

• More skins for Amaterasu, including Ninetails and Oki’s wolf form.
• Less manual backtracking and wandering around the map due to an improved teleport system that is introduced earlier in the game.
• Harder difficulty modes for the experienced gamer.
• Increased use of the Lucky Mallet to change size.
• Unlockable versus battle mode.
• Possible PS3 version using the original photorealistic graphics.

This Week in Anime

Oranges spread to Lucky Star.

“Pineapple was an important friend- until I chopped him and served him on a plate.”

The evolution of HORSE is spotted in Neo-Verona.

Small horse tries to fight off the advent of its upgraded form.

Dodgy watch dealer gets careless by leaving out flyers in public.

“Shhh, the fruit are spying on us!”

“I never travel anywhere without my trusty watermelon!”

Strawberries face being mercilessly devoured.

The Himawari ninjas stumble upon Sunrise’s magic mushroom plantation.

Only healthy fruit can save them from the evil mushrooms.

Walnuts are back.

Flash Game Review: Orisinal

Rather than just reviewing a single game, this week I’m taking a look at a whole site of them, namely Ferry Halim’s Orisinal. At first glance, Orisinal’s many games are just yet another take on the whole jumping over obstacles and collecting items, but the difference here is that the games have their own unique and distinctive style. The graphics are soft, cute and pleasing on the eye, whilst the music is generally gentle and tranquil- these are the perfect games with which to unwind after a stressful day.

Although I haven’t yet had time to play every game on the site, my current favourite is A Dog for All Seasons, in which one must control four dogs simultaneously whilst ensuring they each jump over the balls in their respective paths- easy at first, but hard when you have eight balls in a row or different dogs facing different patterns of balls. Other worthy picks include Winter Bells (guide a rabbit with the cursor as it jumps upwards from bell to bell- easiest with a graphics tablet), Cats (get all the cats to either sit down or walk along simultaneously) and High Delivery (fill a vase with flowers whilst a balloon carries it up to heaven).

Mini-editorial: Fansites and Anipike, ye olden days
So anyway, a couple of weeks ago Hinano was talking about the old days when we had fansites everywhere, and in a burst of nostalgia I thought to myself “hell, I might as well write about that too.” For even though I haven’t been watching for that long compared to the old stalwarts (yeah, I loved Samurai Pizza Cats as a kid but I only properly got into anime in 2002), I too remember the olden days of trawling fansites and using Anipike to find yet more sites devoted to a particular series. In those days, I was mainly on the hunt for images and the odd mp3, but along the way it was easy to get distracted by randomness- everything from the Ayanami Raising Project to “colour it yourself” Tenchi line art lurked in the depths of the internet, alongside a hundred thousand shrines for various characters and pairings.

Ultimately, however, the blogging revolution brought those days to an end, and the question that must be asked is whether we miss them. Personally, despite the rose-tinted glasses with which I now view those times, my anime viewing habits have widened to encompass far more series than I was ever following in those times, and similarly my supporting material needs have changed to be fulfilled by blogs and image gallery sites. The only question that remains is to see what changes the future will bring.

Reverse Harem of the week: Haruhi Fujioka (Ouran High School Host Club)
Who better to lead a reverse harem than a reverse trap? Despite having to dress as a boy most of the time, however, Haruhi was able to win the hearts of both men and women alike.

Harem
Tamaki: Host Club ‘king’, the simplistic, over-energetic and flamboyant one. Likes to act as a father to Haruhi, although his feelings may run deeper.
Hikaru and Kaoru: Selfish twins with an air of the prankster about them. Hikaru is the more immature and hot-headed of the two.
Kyouya: The cool and calculating ‘Shadow King’.
Honey: The shota with a sweet tooth and a hidden talent for martial arts.
Mori: The quiet, stoic one.

Rival
Renge: Dating sim fanatic whose role gets pumped up in the anime- initially feels drawn to Kyouya.
Éclair: Tamaki’s fiancée and a serious rival in the final anime arc.

*NEW* The making of Azure Flame: text parody
I know no one really cares, but this is a feature I’ve wanted to do for ages, so bear with me as we delve deeper into the making of Azure Flame. This week we go behind the scenes to find out how a ‘text parody’ emerges from a blank Word document. In the olden days of Meine Liebe and Ginga Densetsu Weed, this was done by writing up an alternate version of the episode straight after watching it, but with memory being what it is, a new, more accurate method of parody had to be introduced.

In the current era, a text parody is created whilst watching the episode- regular pauses enable me to switch to Word and rewrite what is happening with a unique parody spin. Along the way, amusing screencaps are taken to spice up the action, ready to be inserted in the correct places when the parody is posted. The whole process can take anything from 45 minutes to two hours (depending on distractions), but unfortunately it can be quite draining on both energy and enthusiasm, which is why I intend to pretty much lay this style to rest in the near future.

Over at Random Curiosity, many seem to be finding it hard to occupy themselves between episodes of Clannad, especially when the series takes a week off. Now, we at Azure Flame are an understanding lot (I say we, but I really mean me), and so we’ve decided to put together some suggestions as to what you can do to ease the pain of those long waits.

• Watch other anime: I’ve been reliably informed that anime series other than Clannad do, in fact, exist, and some of them are even superior to it. Watching them will surely help the time pass.
• Rewatch old episodes: If you really can’t accept the existence of those other series, then at least watch the first half of the series again…and again…and again.
• Take up a new hobby: Fill your life with, well, activity- perchance you already have work, school or both, but there are many other things you can do to fill your time. Get out of the house more, and the wait will seem less strenuous.
• Discover manga and gaming: If you absolutely cannot leave the house, then at least make the time spent indoors interesting. Manga and gaming aren’t too dissimilar from the anime scene, so you can ease yourself into them.
• Stare at a black screen: If all else fails, try this- you never know what images you might be able to discern if you look at the blackness long enough.

Kaiji- the Room of Naked Men

“It’s not fair! I’m telling Mum!”

“It’s time for you to learn the meaning of HARD GAY, boy!”

“We don’t have time to waste!”

“Hmm, I suppose your size is acceptable.”

“Men can’t have sex with other men- can they?”

Yes, Kaiji, they can.

“Come here boy- I like the look of your tackle.”

“I like a man who’s willing to experiment.”

“Now, since it’s your first time, I won’t force you to go all the way.”

“This place is about one thing and one thing early- casual sex!”

“He’s taking me from behind!”

“All right, you had me- but now it’s my turn!”

“Take it like a man!”

Kaiji develops a foot fetish.

“I don’t want it anymore!”

Really? I hadn’t noticed.

“What cologne do you use?”

“Oh god, how did I end up in an escape pod ejected into outer space?”

Dragons’ Den: Magic CCTV and Villain Chair

Welcome to a new feature based on the TV program of the same name, in which anime characters try to market their great idea to five fat cats of anime! President Aria made his fortune in the gondola industry of Neo Venezia, and is now CEO of a well-known company. Mikoto started her business in the capital of Wind Bloom, and is now a trusted advisor to the queen, with business partners scattered across the world. The Admiral’s first business venture was to invest in a Chinese restaurant, but a meteor threat to Earth saw her buy shares in ground and space based defence technology, which she currently administers with her protégé “The General” (aka Shogun). Mr Tibbs started his career as a tea cat for the bank, but his sound grasp of finance saw him rise up the ranks until he became one of their most prominent managers. Finally, The Cardinal is the world’s most powerful fat cat, with a wide range of business interests that ensure that he has a paw in every pie (often literally, depending on his appetite). These five cats represent some heavyweight investment clout in every sense of the word, but is any deal attractive enough to get them to roll off their backsides and shake paws with a budding entrepreneur?

Next into the Den is one Fei Wong Reed, who is looking for investment in his Equipment of Evil company. Can he offer a deal tempting enough to get the Dragons interested?

Fei Wong: Greetings, fat cats! I’m here today to pitch for investment in Equipment of Evil, a company specialising in high-end equipment for archvillains. I’ve brought some samples of our products here with me today- a custom-built chair for conducting villainous activities in, and a magic CCTV with which to automatically watch the heroes’ activities. The market for this type of product is growing all the time, and if you invest, you can be part of it. Any questions?

Aria: Punyu? [How did you get to this concept?]

Fei Wong: Well, as a sufferer of frequent back pain, I knew that standing all the time wasn’t going to do me any good, but once I was in the chair, I couldn’t really do much without having a good way to watch the heroes.

Mr Tibbs: I notice your CCTV seems to be on Syaoran TV at the moment- is there any way to change that?

Fei Wong: Well, each CCTV will be tuned to a custom hero channel using our patented technology.

Mr Tibbs: I see- and is there any way to change the channel if I get bored? Say I want to take time off and just relax in front of Sky Movies- would that be possible?

Fei Wong: Unfortunately, we haven’t yet discovered any way of changing the channel.

Fei Wong’s pitch was going way, but by admitting a major flaw in his product, he has lost the interest of at least one of the Dragons.

Mr Tibbs: I’m sorry to say it, but that makes your product infinitely less attractive to me- I mean, who would spend 177 chapters of their life watching the same channel? And for that reason, I’m out.

Mr Tibbs has declared himself out- what will the other Dragons think?

The Admiral: Fei Wong, how many of these have you sold so far?

Fei Wong: Well, about, er, ten in the last year.

The Admiral: Ten?

Fei Wong: They’re custom builds with a five-hundred percent mark-up. We are making money.

The Admiral: Well yes, but I don’t believe your claim that this is a scalable business- I think you’ll shift a few, but never enough for me to make a return, and that’s the reason why I’m out.

Mikoto: Just to let you know where I am, I’m out too.

Aria: Punyu. [I've heard bad things about you in the press, and I think your negative image will reflect badly on me, so I'm out.]

Cardinal: I’m sorry, but I have to agree with everyone else’s objections; this isn’t a company I can make money on so I won’t be investing, but I would like to place an order for my own chair and CCTV.

Fei Wong: Hah, I knew you wouldn’t invest, but this is all going to plan! Farewell, suckers!

Fei Wong has left the Den without investment.

Mr Tibbs: When will he learn that that “everything’s going to plan” line doesn’t fool anyone anymore?

This Week in Anime

Apples- as endorsed by Master Keaton.

“Dad, I support apples now- get these oranges out of here.”

“It’s a fruit overload!”

For the ultimate flavourless experience, try new Bland!

“I know I swore loyalty to apples, but these peaches are mighty fine!”

Note the Mikoto-cross on the forehead of the dog.

Why do I feel like there might be the teensiest flaw in this argument?

Two MANLY men meet for some HARD GAY on the so-called “Meat Day”.

Anime World Tour- Last Exile

Welcome to the world of Prestale, where vanships roam the skies and the nobles enjoy a life of luxury and plenty even as the commoners struggle to find clean water. Fear not, however, for during your stay on our planet, the Maestro Delphine will kindly allow you to sample all of the delicacies the Guild has to offer- for a price. Be it crucifixion in roses or gladiatorial combat to the death, you can be sure that your time at the Guild will never lack for excitement!

For those on a more modest budget, however, we recommend the planetary surface package- it may not be as glamorous, but you will be able to watch vanships in flight, bet on chocobo races and much, much more!

Mini-editorial: Blogging the British way

Now apparently, the mere act of being British is enough to level up one’s blogging, and truly our allies in other countries must be wondering- how can we ever compete with those tea-sipping villains? Well, kind as I am, I have decided to put together the secrets of blogging success, and you won’t even have to emigrate to achieve them.

• Drink plenty of tea: tea is the fuel of Britain; without it, we cannot function. By sipping tea regularly, you can increase brain function and write yards of flawless, fascinating prose.
• Force everyone to speak the language: English may not be your first language, but we demand that you blog in it to demonstrate our apparent superiority and hide our inability to write in any other language. Unfortunately for all concerned, the English language has about a million words, of which the average native speaker knows 10,000- if we only know 1% of our own language, how can anyone else ever be expected to master it?
• Rename your country: Naming it “Great Britain” must truly have had an effect- try renaming your nation to something like “Fabulous Germany” or “Awesome Malaysia” to see if it helps.
• Master our culture and history by watching Blackadder- this will teach you relevant historical facts and demonstrate the use of humour, sarcasm and irony at its best.

In Your Reflection

This week sees a head-to-head between Aria’s Alice and Minami-ke’s Chiaki; both are the youngest of their respective main character groups, with a cool know-it-all attitude and a tendency to be blunt in their assessment of other people. Nonetheless, both of them can act childish at times, be it trying to get home by only walking in shadows, or naming a rock and kicking it all the way home

Amusing Search Terms

Old favourite: you toube sex

anime girls with ears: they mostly do have ears, unless they’ve been in some kind of accident.

animeblogger girl wrestling: Hmm, I wonder what my fellow female bloggers would think of taking part in such a thing.

“mechanic”+”ardavan”: Were you searching for Makai Kingdom or physics information?

anime girl free herself to Christmas: Hmm…

removing bikini: Quite simple, really.

“damned souls” naked: Naked prinnies! Shocking!

use me for sex: Don’t you think we should get to know each other first?

“rpg maker”breast: Breasts in RMXP are mere pixels.

Amusing Spam

“Zimbabwe: $10bn Cash Deal -…

Mutekede tendered her mobile phone to the court which showed five text messages she sent Kadzura after her arrest and…”

…and what happens next? It’s like my very own soap opera!

“Fundraiser focuses on ”Beginnings” -…

Silent and live auction items include VIP seats to Broadway shows; a New York City package featuring a taping of…”

Hmm…

“cuppoodles in wilkes county”

nAre these dogs that double as teacups?

“blood clot color diagram”

Red?

“Alan…

Please, you have to elaborate on this one. I remember this movie celebrity I meet that would chuckle at this….”

Alan isn’t a man to elaborate on such things.

“asked question tattoos of gypsy girl”

I don’t know what tattoos she had, to be honest. Sorry.