In ancient China, there exists an artefact of great power that could change the fate of a nation- the Sovereign’s Seal. Sun Ce, leader of the kingdom of Wu, decides to pursue the seal, hoping that it will tip the balance of his war with the rival kingdom of Wei. But using the Seal comes with a cost, and it falls to Lu Xun, protégée of the legendary Zhuge Liang, to fulfil his family’s duty of protecting it.

It’s no secret that I’m easily drawn to anything Three Kingdoms related, and with the 1991 anime having proven to span a range from laughably poor to just plain awful, the promise of a brand new series in 2007 seemed too good to pass up- especially as it seems to focus on my favourite and all-too-often glossed over kingdom of Wu. With that in mind, I had high expectations for Koutetsu before it aired- even going so far as to download and translate the character map on the official website in preparation for the day when it finally aired.

Sadly, for all that I was anticipating it, Koutetsu Sangokushi was about to prove that the only worth it had lay in the realms of the unintentionally amusing. Within the space of a few episodes it became clear that the series was less concerned with telling a good story than it was with appealing to all the fujoshi out there. Not only were HARD GAY pairings and possibilities readily apparent to even the most untrained of eyes, but despite the fact that all the characters were male, many of them seemed inclined to dress as women- in particular Ling Tong, Sun Quan, Cao Cao and Liu Bei appeared to have been taking regular oestrogen supplements. If you didn’t happen to know that historically these figures were indeed male, you might be forgiven for thinking that they were meant to be women.

Character design irregularities aside, Koutetsu had much more to offer- all of it in the realms of the ridiculous. The historical setting and even the laws of physics themselves were of no concern to the writers, who were quick to turn hero Lu Xun into a destined warrior with the ability to transform and equip the arm-encasing Flame Armour, a weapon not unlike the Alters seen in S-Cry-Ed. In fact, in an episode where Wei somehow shoots thousands of slow arrows at the Wu capital from no visible source, our bold hero flies up into the sky and destroys them in much the same way that a Gundam might slice through generic mobile suits.

As it turns out, this rather laughable scene was only to prepare us for what was to come, as new named characters were introduced. Joining Lu Xun in the defence of justice were his would-be lover Ling Tong, “brawn but no brains” Taishi Ci and new Wu army recruits Zhuge Jin and Lu Meng. The latter two only signed up to take civil servant style roles, but apparently in this particular reality, being a civil servant involves the same amount of combat as being a front-line warrior.

Next to join the team was none other than pirate Gan Ning, who is lured away from his cruel yet dominant lover and master by the promise of wild nights with Zhou Yu and his flute. With this addition to the ranks, our set of main characters is not only completed, but given the amusing name “The Six Steeds”- clearly an indication that they are all hung like horses. Forget the army of Wu and its experienced advisors- the Six Steeds will always be there to save the day!

With our heroes all in place, the time had come to forge ahead to the next arc- the battle of Chi Bi (aka Red Cliffs). Those who are familiar with the era will recall that Chi Bi was quite a complex affair, involving an alliance between Shu and Wu to launch a fire attack on Wei’s fleet. Clearly, such a thing was too much for the writers to grasp, because they decided to simplify it considerably- transforming an important historical event into a one night assault on an unrealistically huge boat called Chi Bi. Such a boat was large enough to house several floors and even a palatial garden, but for all that it only needed to be crewed by a few named characters.

These named characters (who include in their number Xu Zhu, inexplicably wearing sunglasses centuries before their invention) were of course to form the bosses for this arc, which was to ultimately see the awakening of sentai powers in the Six Steeds. In a laughably stupid turn of events, all six of them gain destined “Pleasure Ranger” powers, enabling them to transform their weapons and glow with coloured energy. If the sense of the series had been questionable before, this turn of events was to see it depart entirely- how could anyone take it seriously now?

Even so, at least the battle of Chi Bi had a vague plot and a basis in history, because what was to come in the second half of the series was to overshadow all that had gone before. For reasons best known to himself, Zhuge Liang decides to contradict everything he did in the first half of the series by allying himself with Liu Bei to create the kingdom of Shu; fair enough, one might say, given historical events, but I hardly think that the real Shu was run by a pink-haired effeminate shota with a desire to turn the world into a flower garden.

If you’re mystified by that last sentence, then allow me to explain- you see, Liu Bei is a man (and I use that word loosely) who believes that food is the root cause of all suffering, and that the only way to world peace is to burn down villages and make everyone toil in the field planting immense flower gardens. It’s a rationale that makes the oft-used anime concept of finding peace through invasion and genocide look well-reasoned, but nonetheless no one ever gains the courage to put a stop to it by pointing out the flaws in Liu Bei’s reasoning. Instead, Zhuge Liang encourages him on his way, even creating a special sphere filled with HARD GAY energy to enhance the power of the Shu warriors.

Thanks to this enhancement, our Pleasure Ranger heroes have minions of darkness to foil every week, starting with the unfortunate Guan Yu. So consumed is he by the HARD GAY energy that after several uses he actually transforms into some kind of giant horse mecha for our heroes to battle against. Even as the audience finds itself caught in a mix of revulsion and amusement, however, Taishi Ci loses his life in a pointless attempt to destroy the beast, which ultimately only delays him for an episode or so.

In true sentai fashion, the supporting characters are useless compared to Lu Xun, who, despite having broken his magical Flame Armour a scant few episodes before, somehow magically restores it in time to defeat Guan Yu and turn the hideous horse monster back into a human. Unfortunately for Guan Yu, his fate is sealed anyway, and he ends up giving his life to stop Zhang Fei turning into an equally ridiculous animal mecha.

By this point, much of a dubious nature had occurred, and anyone who believed that the series could possibly offer up a sensible conclusion was either deranged or delusional. Equally unbalanced were the writers, who seemed keen to present some kind of coup of grace in the form of an ending so completely and utterly stupid that it would make everything that had come before seem sensible and well-plotted.

Having inexplicably defected to Shu and the side of evil some time before, in the final batch of episodes, Zhuge Liang plays his trump card, forcibly using his HARD GAY spheres to turn Liu Bei into some kind of Yu-Gi-Oh dragon hell-bent on avenging the loss of his brothers. To that end, said dragon flies across China and manages to disable the country of Wei with laughter with bursts of frozen breath. Next, he turns his attention to Wu, and despite the best efforts of the Pleasure Rangers, everyone except Sun Quan and Liu Bei end up encased in ice. I’m sure you’re laughing by now, so take care not to spit coffee all over the keyboard.

Anyway, after an episode or so of Sun Quan and Lu Xun enjoying their HARD GAY honeymoon in the land of ice, the moment of the ultimate showdown finally arrives. Using his destined powers of flame, Lu Xun easily foils Liu Bei and melts all of China, leaving only final boss Zhuge Liang to face. It is here that the series steps off the edge into complete and utter nonsense, as we learn that an evil meteor not unlike those of Final Fantasy 7, Mai-HiME and Good Witch of the West is threatening the planet, and that Zhuge chose to turn himself into the ultimate evil so that Lu Xun could in turn become the ultimate good (don’t try to follow the logic here, there isn’t any).

Fortunately for all concerned, Zhuge’s plan to turn evil by dyeing his hair jet black appears to work, triggering an Otome transformation in Lu Xun and enabling him to fly into space and single-handedly destroy the meteor. Sadly, the intense Pleasure levels involved take their toll on Zhuge Liang, who starts dissolving, at least until Lu Xun somehow saves him by shoving the Sovereign’s Seal (or as I call it, the Lord’s Cube) into himself and thus absorbing the source of all Koutetsu’s HARD GAY. Of course, no one man can endure such levels of HARD GAY, and so Lu Xun ultimately explodes, leaving Zhuge Liang to continue on to other, better projects. At this point you might be wondering what the point of it all was, but sadly I cannot provide any explanations- answers on a postcard, please.

And with that, the story has been picked to pieces, but what review would be complete without some mention of the presentation side of things? As far as character designs go, everything from ridiculously effeminate pretty boy to muscle-bound macho seems to be acceptable, and whilst effort has clearly gone into detail, many of the designs are hard to swallow (sunglasses? zippers? pink hair? This is the third century!). The animation itself is highly inconsistent, ranging from solid to budget-saving in terms of movement and level of detail. Background music is decent yet unremarkable, whilst the OP reaches new levels of HARD GAY.

Final Thoughts
Koutetsu Sangokushi is one of those series that you watch not for straightforward enjoyment, but because you feel a need to see just how ridiculous it can get- for whilst it started out as mildly entertaining, it soon descends into the depths of stupidity. Fortunately for anyone who has yet to try it, there is no longer any need to actually watch the series- you can just read my parodies of it instead.
Tier: White-

Zhuge Liang: Come, Lu Xun, show me that there is at least one man in this land worthy of being my partner. In the meantime, I shall randomly burn everything, just as any good final boss should do!

Whilst the other Pleasure Rangers fight off the burning meteors that are falling on China, Lu Xun (who is back to being Ranger Red) heads for Zhuge Liang.

Sun Quan: I’m about as useful in battle as that guy in Captain Planet who had the Heart power, so I’ll just stay here and pray for everyone.

Zhuge Liang: This world is corrupt, and must be destroyed!

Lu Xun: How can you say that? I mean, I thought I was angsty and full of despair, but you really do have problems!

Zhuge Liang: Shut up! You can forget any chance of seeing my sword now!

Lu Xun: You know what- I don’t care? I’m sick of being told how big you are and then never getting any! Initiate boss battle, phase one!

Lu Xun begins attacking Zhuge Liang, who counters with dark energy blasts.

Zhuge Liang: You fool! I have summoned the Red Star Meteor, the same evil that a thousand bosses have used in their attempts to destroy the world! Oh, and by the way- I killed your family too!

Lu Xun: What!? How much more clichéd can this get?

Zhuge Liang: All I wanted was the HARD GAY power of the Lord’s Cube, but when I realised there was no man worthy enough to sleep with me, I decided to just destroy the world and be done with it!

Lu Xun: But…I thought you loved me!

Zhuge Liang: Fool- I only ever loved myself! Now commence boss battle, phase two!

Zhuge Liang transforms into Dark Zhuge. In response, Lu Xun transforms into the Inferno Ruby Otome.

Lu Xun: Butterfly Inferno Charge!

Lu Xun flies into space and destroys the meteor Zhuge Liang had summoned. Sun Quan and the other Pleasure Rangers are somehow transported to a featureless world.

Sun Quan: What’s going on? Could this be the most ridiculous final episode since Bakumatsu Kikansetsu Irohanihoheto?

Ling Tong: I think so- I mean, we seem to be inside the Lord’s Cube.

Dark Zhuge approaches.

Zhuge Liang: Oh, hello everyone, fancy meeting you here.

Otome Lu Xun also appears.

Lu Xun: Everyone, you’re here!

(Lu Xun: Now they’ll know of my secret Otome habit! What should I do?)

Zhuge Liang: It seems you saved the world after all- oh well, you win some, you lose some.

Dark Zhuge begins to dissolve into sparkles.

Zhuge Jin: Everyone’s probably wondering what’s going on, so let’s break off for some exposition. You see, Lu Xun needed the power of the ultimate light to defeat the meteor that would have destroyed our world, but he couldn’t access it until Zhuge Liang became the ultimate darkness. In other words, this was all planned out!

Lu Xun: I knew it! Master wasn’t really evil at all!

Lu Xun and Zhuge Liang embrace.

Zhuge Liang: Well done, Lu Xun- you have saved the world.

Zhuge Jin: Don’t die, brother! We could still have great HARD GAY together!

Zhuge Liang: It’s too late for me- for in my desperation for a partner I ruined my Sword with excessive Hyper Self Pleasure.

Lu Xun: But Master, all I ever wanted was to see it!

Zhuge Liang: It was the Lord’s Cube- it made the Pleasure too intense for mortal flesh to endure.

Lu Xun: Then I must destroy it, so that no other man has to suffer thus!

Lu Xun grabs the core of the Lord’s Cube and shoves it into himself.

Zhuge Liang: NO! You mustn’t endure the intense Pleasure!

Lu Xun: I have to do this, to save everyone else from it!

Lu Xun explodes in a massive burst of Pleasure that leaves him naked and glowing; a sort of Pleasure nuclear bomb, if you will. He then dissolves into golden sparkles.

Zhuge Liang: Lu Xun, you weren’t meant to die! I would have eventually shown you my Sword, you know!

Zhuge Liang continues on his way alone, leaving the Pleasure Rangers and Sun Quan behind to wonder what the point of the whole series was.

THE END.

Reviewed this week: Aria the Origination 6, Clannad 17, Gunslinger Girl Il Teatrino 5, Kaiji 17-18, Koutetsu Sangokushi 23-5, Minami-ke Okawari 6, Mnemosyne 1, Mokke 15, SaiMono II 35, Shigofumi 5, Shion no Ou 15, Sketchbook 12, Spice and Wolf 6

…and in manga: Loveless 9.3-5, Moyashimon 1, Shion no Ou 1-12, Spice and Wolf 5, Twin Spica 6-7

ANIME

CURRENT SERIES RANKINGS

1. Aria the Origination (1) – the Single life
2. Spice and Wolf (2) – wolf in the sewers
3. Kaiji (5) – ざわ, ざわ…
4. SaiMono II (4) – Ran clan
5. Shigofumi (3) – Schrödinger the cat
6. Zoku Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei (6) – mind-altering drug
7. Persona Trinity Soul (8)- Mushi-Uta’s successor
8. Shion no Ou (12) – die, Satoru!
9. Minami-ke Okawari (7)- not quite the same
10. Gunslinger Girl- Il teatrino (10)- Marco
11. Clannad (11) – drop kick
12. Mokke (13)- rainy season

SLOW RANKINGS

1. Sketchbook ~full color’S~ (-) – lots of cats
2. Tetsuko no Tabi (1)- is this ever going to be subbed?
3. Sisters of Wellber (2) – predictable but fun
4. Himawari!! (3) – needs less plot
5. Shounen Onmyouji (4)- mediocre
6. Love GetChu! (5)- light entertainment
7. Koutetsu Sangokushi (6) – purely ridiculous <-complete!

Aria the Origination 6: How does the perfect Alicia-san deal with Akari’s mistakes and clumsiness? It’s a question that Alice wants to know the answer to, but will spying on the goddess of perfection give any clues? Whatever the case, the results make for entertaining and President Aria-filled viewing, although things continually going wrong for Akari at the beginning seemed a bit of a back step- over these last few episodes we’ve seen her start to mature and grow up, so to have her being all clumsy and ditzy is a bit disappointing.

“I’ll get you this time, Aria-shachou!”

Clannad 17: It’s a fusion of storylines this week as we switch from Kyou/Ryou to Tomoyo in the space of an episode, whilst Nagisa drops out for a while due to illness. Unfortunately, I’m at the stage where I only want to see Nagisa’s storyline, so this filler-ish episode didn’t really do much for me- it passes the time, but achieves little more.

Gunslinger Girl –Il Teatrino 5: This episode covers a manga chapter I read a while ago, in which Marco’s ex-girlfriend Patricia teams up with a reporter to find the truth behind the Social Welfare Agency. As you’ll have heard me say quite often by now, the manga already did it better, and the need to ‘recap’ Artland’s version of flashback scenes that Madhouse already did better didn’t really help the pacing at all.

Kaiji 17-18: After having to go without it for a bit, Kaiji and E-card are back with a vengeance, and our intrepid hero seems determined to risk his eardrum against the unflappable Tonegawa. Unfortunately, Kaiji can’t seem to gain the edge in this psychological battle, making for a white knuckle ride as that pin moves ever closer to his eardrum. Narrative convention says that Kaiji must ultimately triumph, but right now that seems a distant dream- and all we can do is wait impatiently to see what happens next.

*COMPLETE* Koutetsu Sangokushi 23-5: At last the HARD GAY nightmare has ended, with Lu Xun inevitably defeating both the Liu Bei dragon and the evil meteor that was about to destroy the world (no, I’m not getting my shows mixed up). Of course, by this point, no ridiculousness seemed too much, with the writers indulging their desires to write some sort of sentai/Otome style conclusion. All I can say is that I will enjoy reviewing this.

Minami-ke Okawari 6: It’s a snowy day in the Minami neighbourhood, which means the girls are stuck at home- not too bad a prospect, perhaps, if not for the fact that they have no electricity, no gas and only odds and ends to eat. Again, this episode doesn’t really inspire the love that the first season did, not least because of the focus on dull new character Fuyuki- let’s get back to the personalities that enlivened the first season.

*NEW* Mnemosyne 1: I’d like to post a fangirl alert here, because to my surprise, I totally fell in love with Mnemosyne after just one 45 minute episode. With everything from a fat cat to Alias style action, Mnemosyne would have been strong under any circumstances, but to cap it all off we have Asogi Rin, a lead with looks, attitude and invulnerability- I love her already. The animation is also so slick that you won’t even hear me complaining about fanservice and ‘evil’ nipples- just bring me episode two.

Mokke 15: It’s the rainy season, and Shizuru is feeling depressed because at this time of year she can see even more supernatural phenomena than ever. It’s this kind of miserable attitude that typifies the series as a whole, but at least by the end Shizuru learns to cheer up a little, and maybe we can hope that that’s a good sign for the future

Saiunkoku Monogatari II 35: The series picks up again in this episode, as we delve into Jyuusan-hime’s tragic past, meet another character in the form of the Ran province governor and see Ryuuki get depressed as he wonders if he is worthy enough to be king. With all these threads being woven in, it is rather sad to realise that there are only four episodes left, but without any new novel material until May, this is the way it has to be.

Ryuuren shows off this spring’s new fashions.

Shigofumi 5: In a rather bizarre turn of events, both Fumika and fellow mail carrier Chiaki are assigned to deliver a Shigofumi to a cat in this episode, something even I, as a cat lover, wouldn’t bother to do (like the cat even cares about you when you’re no longer able to feed it). I’m also a little weary of cats being named Schrödinger- trust me, once you’ve studied many-particle quantum mechanics, such jokes lose their sheen.

Anyway, light feline stories aside, the episode does provide more insights into Fumika’s Kanon-esque situation, leading to a solid episode if not one that can recapture that brilliant opening arc (can anything?).

Shion no Ou 15: This sort of shogi-filled episode is exactly why I’m watching Shion no Ou, and so I have no complaints about watching the tense match between Shion and her father. When the series focuses on shogi rather than the murder case, I find myself becoming addicted to it as I once did to Hikaru no Go, ensuring that I continue to crave more- and the icing on the cake this week was that Satoru actually got ‘pwned’ by Shion’s father, which always guarantees satisfaction.

Sketchbook ~full color’S 12: In the penultimate episode of the series Sora and her friends head into the city to buy art supplies, and whilst they all invest in new sketchbooks, Sora can’t help thinking about the dynamics of brother-sister relationships. Again, the series tries a little too hard to achieve what Aria can accomplish without any apparent effort, but this is the kind of inoffensively enjoyable episode that the word ‘nice’ was made for.

Spice and Wolf 6: When Horo and Lawrence reach a dead end in the sewers, there’s only one thing for our heroine to do- switch to her immense wolf form. Just as Horo craves apples, so do I crave more and more from this series, and whilst this wasn’t my favourite episode thus far, I still greatly enjoyed it. We can’t be halfway through already- I refuse to believe it.

MANGA

Loveless vol 9 chapters 3-5: After a couple of chapters of downtime in which Soubi and Ritsuka kick back and visit a shrine for the New Year, the latest chapter gets the main story back on track, revealing the names of the Septimal Moon members (not that it means much), and preparing the story to move ahead. Ritsuka wants to forgive Seimei and bring him home, but can everything his brother’s done really be erased that easily?

*NEW* Moyashimon 1: The time has come to pick up Moyashimon, although as I suspected, the first chapter of the manga is basically the same as what we saw in the first episode of the anime- albeit with rougher artwork (the hairstyles in particular seem oddly amateur). Even so, the temptation with this manga, as with so many others, is to eventually move past what we saw in this anime and breach original territory.

*CATCH-UP* Shion no Ou 1-12: As with Moyashimon above, the Shion no Ou manga has proven to be largely the same as the anime, with these first two volumes taking us up to Satoru’s introduction to the story. Nonetheless, whilst I am in the grip of my odd addiction to this series, having the manga to read will help with the cravings.

Spice and Wolf 5: The manga continues to follow the same course as the anime in this chapter, which covers the sale of the marten/ermine furs and the beginning of the silver coin investigation. Of course, with the beautiful artwork and some additional summary pages talking about the original novels, I have no intention of complaining about covering the same material again.

Twin Spica 6-7: Volume two continues apace as Asumi settles down in space school, only to attract the attention of the evil teacher ‘Beruze’- quite possibly my least favourite aspect of the series. We’re still deep within anime territory, but as it’s been a while since I watched it, that’s no big problem.

Zhuge Liang: Lord’s Cube, please tell me the name of the one worthy to see my might weapon- is it Lu Xun or Liu Bei?

Meanwhile, the Liu Bei dragon attacks Lu Xun and Sun Quan.

Liu Bei: Die, and let me become the main character! All Iever wanted was love and peace- that’s why I’ve just wiped out half of China with my mighty dragon!

Lu Xun: Wait- I’m sure we can work things out!

Liu Bei: Never! Give me back my precious flowers! Frozen Breath!

Liu Bei starts freezing Lu Xun, which takes much longer than usual due to the latter’s main character status.

Lu Xun: Counter! Intense and Inexplicable HARD GAY Destined Powers!

Lu Xun draws his sword, flooding the area with a HARD GAY aura.

Lu Xun: By the power of HARD GAY, I will restore this world to the way it should be!

Liu Bei: Why bother? This world will only fall into corruption and chaos- better to destroy it than to carry on!

Lu Xun: Listen to yourself- that’s final boss talk!

Liu Bei: Well, what do you expect- I am the final boss! And unless I’m very much mistaken, you don’t even have any other party members with which to face me!

As Zhuge Liang watches from his magic CCTV, Lu Xun is knocked down by Liu Bei’s freezing breath.

Sun Quan: No! The main character can’t die in the penultimate episode!

Lu Xun is trapped in the featureless blackness again, assailed by flashbacks.

Lu Xun: ZETSUBOU SHITA! Someone help me, I’m in despair!

Liu Bei causes a rain of petals to fall.

Liu Bei: Everything’s just so depressing, isn’t it? I mean, look at this place- some idiot’s gone and turned the whole thing to ice. And then there’s you, Sun Quan- you don’t even have a Sword! I wish I had been brave enough to have the operation like you did.

(Sun Quan: Why does everyone keep thinking I’m really a woman?)

The Liu Bei dragon blows freezing wind at Sun Quan, causing Lu Xun to stir.

Liu Bei: What do you think of my petals, Lu Xun? I’ve always thought that when you want to kill someone, you should say it with flowers!

Sun Quan: Don’t listen to him! You are the main character! You must inevitably triumph!

Liu Bei: Shut up! I should be the main character!

Sun Quan starts glowing with HARD GAY energy. The Liu Bei dragon knocks him down with an especially powerful blast, although moments later he appears to be standing again with only minimal damage to his clothing.

Lu Xun: Damn you! Activate Pleasure Powers- Ranger Red!

Liu Bei: Frozen Blast!

Lu Xun: Flaming Passion! Melt the ice and magically restore the land!

Somehow the land is thawed and all greenery emerges unharmed.

Lu Xun: Cut scene power! Finishing blow!

Lu Xun sends off a wave of crimson energy that vaporises the Liu Bei dragon. Liu Bei’s naked body falls to the ground.

Liu Bei: Hmm, I appear to have the chest of a man- perhaps the question of my gender can finally be laid to rest.

(Lu Xun: Not until we take that blanket off your lower half, methinks.)

Lu Xun hands Liu Bei a pair of magical orbs containing the faces of Guan Yu and Zhang Fei.

Liu Bei: These are- the limited edition Dynasty Warriors collectable paperweights! You must have bought them from eBay- and after everything I did to you.

Lu Xun: What, freezing my friends and destroying my country? Why, that’s hardly worth mentioning- and besides, how can anyone take that haircut of yours seriously?

After watching this scene from afar, Zhuge Liang makes the sky turn dark before appearing as a giant projection of himself.

Liu Bei: Well, it looks like I didn’t even qualify as the final boss, let alone make it all the way to main character.

Liu Bei dies.

Lu Xun: Not again! I’m in despair!

Lu Xun is enveloped in blue HARD GAY energy.

Lu Xun: Power up to Ranger Sapphire!

Zhuge Liang: I am the final boss! Summon Meteor!

Fiery meteors rain down upon the land. Meanwhile, the newly thawed Pleasure Rangers power up.

Lu Xun: Everyone’s alive! It’s time for the final battle!

To be continued…

Zhuge Liang: Poor little boy, all alone without even a backdrop, Come to me, and I will show you the ways of men- it will hurt at first, but in time I’m sure you’ll come to enjoy it.

Meanwhile, Liu Bei plays alone in the frozen wasteland.

Liu Bei: Playing with the frozen men, having so much fun- wait a minute, Lu Xun isn’t here! I can’t become the main character until I get rid of him!

Meanwhile, Lu Xun has run off with Sun Quan.

Lu Xun: Don’t worry, my Lord, in a few days we’re bound to find some nomads I can leave you with; then I can go and be heroic by myself.

Sun Quan: What can any man accomplish by himself? Does it not take two for Pleasure?

Lu Xun: Oh, don’t worry about me.

(Lu Xun: How can I even begin to explain about Hyper Self Pleasure?)

The Liu Bei dragon continues to search for Lu Xun, but only finds Zhao Yun.

Zhao Yun: Ah, my Lord, you look different somehow- have you changed your hairstyle?

Liu Bei: Fool! I’m looking for Lu Xun so that I can finish him off and become the main character.

Zhao Yun: Hmm, I believe Zhuge Liang is next in line for the post of main character.

Liu Bei: Then I’ll just have to find him too! And when I do, he can show me that mighty weapon he’s always boasting about!

Zhao Yun: So, you want to see him too.

Liu Bei: Of course! And then I will preserve his wondrous implement by encasing it in ice forever!

Liu Bei flies away.

Zhao Yun: Wow, turning into a dragon really hasn’t been good for his mental state. Doesn’t he know that Zhuge’s flaming passion would melt through any ice?

That night, Lu Xun and Sun Quan camp out under the stars.

(Sun Quan: He seems unwilling to initiate Pleasure. I must try to seduce him.)

Sun Quan gets Lu Xun’s attention by burning his hand.

Lu Xun: My Lord! You must be careful!

Sun Quan: Ah, fancy meeting you- do you come here often? Please, tell me more about yourself.

Lu Xun: There’s not much to tell, really- when I was young, Master took me in and taught me many things, such as how to cook and clean for him, and how to take Pleasure from behind.

(Sun Quan: Damn, why is he so obsessed with Zhuge Liang? It makes it almost impossible for another man to score with him!)

Sun Quan: Hmm, maybe you’d better get some sleep.

Lu Xun: But I’ll have bad dreams and the monster under the bed might get me!

Sun Quan starts stroking Lu Xun’s hair.

Sun Quan: Well then, I know some other things we can do in bed…

The next day, the couple start searching for food. Sun Quan picks a generic leaf.

Sun Quan: What about this tasty-looking leaf?

Lu Xun: Get serious- it’s a leaf.

Later, Lu Xun practises alone with his ‘sword’.

(Lu Xun: Master, once I leave Sun Quan, I shall finally see your mighty weapon and service it with my own two hands!)

Lu Xun is overcome by feelings of Pleasure for Zhuge Liang.

That night, Sun Quan tries to seduce Lu Xun again.

Sun Quan: Let’s look at the stars and see if we can find a constellation of two men, or perhaps a giant Sword.

(Sun Quan: Could my flirting be any more obvious?)

(Lu Xun: I never before realised…how much I love my master!)

The next day, they continue their journey.

Sun Quan: Oh, by the way, Lu Xun, I got you a present.

Lu Xun: You did? What is it?

Sun Quan: A tree- I planted it for you at our last campsite.

(Lu Xun: What an awful present- I was hoping for money or some saucy pictures.)

Lu Xun: Er, thank you.

Sun Quan: It’s a great gift, don’t you think, for whilst it is unlikely that the people of the future will remember us and make games and anime series loosely based on our lives, this generic tree will live on.

Finally, the couple reach a frozen plain.

Lu Xun: All right, looks like it’s time for us to part ways.

Sun Quan: You can’t just leave me here in the middle of nowhere!

Lu Xun: Oh, I’m sure some nomads will be along eventually- and besides, it’s almost the end of the episode.

Sun Quan: But I want you! Don’t leave me behind.

Lu Xun: Just because everyone else in this series is HARD GAY doesn’t mean that you have to force yourself to conform. I’ve always suspected you might secretly be STRAIGHT, or a woman.

(Sun Quan: What a cruel way to reject someone!)

The Liu Bei dragon suddenly appears.

To be continued…

I’m not being lazy by posting this late; I just haven’t been able to get on the internet all weekend.

Reviewed this week: Aria the Origination 5, Clannad 15-16, Gunslinger Girl Il Teatrino 4, Koutetsu Sangokushi 21-2, Minami-ke Okawari 5, Mokke 14, Persona 5, SaiMono II 34, Shigofumi 4, Shion no Ou 14, Spice and Wolf 5

…and in manga: Claymore 77, REC 37, Spiral 67-8, Tsubasa 182

ANIME

CURRENT SERIES RANKINGS

1. Aria the Origination (1) – the Single life
2. Spice and Wolf (2) – wolf in the sewers
3. Shigofumi (3) – man-hater
4. SaiMono II (4) – Ran clan
5. Kaiji (5) – zawa, zawa
6. Zoku Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei (6) – mind-altering drug
7. Minami-ke Okawari (7)- not quite the same
8. Persona Trinity Soul (8)- Mushi-Uta’s successor
9. Sketchbook ~full color’S~ (9) – lots of cats
10. Gunslinger Girl- Il teatrino (10)- Pinocchio
11. Clannad (11) – the world is made of invisible harps
12. Shion no Ou (12) – die, Satoru!
13. Mokke (13)- magical staff

SLOW RANKINGS

1. Tetsuko no Tabi (1)- is this ever going to be subbed?
2. Sisters of Wellber (2) – predictable but fun
3. Himawari!! (3) – needs less plot
4. Shounen Onmyouji (5)- mediocre
5. Love GetChu! (6)- light entertainment
6. Koutetsu Sangokushi (4) – purely ridiculous

Aria the Origination 5: I can’t help the fangirling, I really can’t, for I love Aria so much. In this episode, Aika becomes depressed after seeing Athena and Alicia’s godly skills in action- if that’s what it takes to be a Prima, will she ever make it? Only a Flashback Mode story from Akira (looking rather snazzy with a new hairstyle and an injection of animation budget) can allay her fears, but it also gives us viewers something to think about. There’s almost inevitably a point in your life when it becomes difficult to graduate from one thing and go onto another, so who can’t sympathise with Aika (and in the past, Akira)? Aria, I will love and worship you forever if you will just let me live and work in Neo Venezia.

Clannad 15-16: I’m not sure why I forgot to write about Clannad last week; perhaps it’s some sort of side effect of trying to forget about Fuuko despite the creators’ insistence that she be shoehorned in at every opportunity (way to take away any meaning her story might have had). In the meantime, Kyou is busy ruining any potentially romantic moments between Tomoya and Nagisa, whilst the named characters use the power of destiny to challenge the basketball team to a three-on-three match- if they win, the Theatre Club can get an advisor. Somehow I can’t bring myself to care too much.

Gunslinger Girl –Il Teatrino 4: Angelica is back in action this episode, but with an uncertain recovery and an addiction to pills, can she really help out in the latest mission? I have to admit that this was a better episode than the last few, but the all-new Marco seems a little too boorish and one-dimensional compared to his previous incarnation- can this really be the same Marco who created “The Prince of the Land of Pasta”?

Koutetsu Sangokushi 21-2: Guan Yu the horse monster has been vanquished, but this isn’t the end- first Zhang Fei goes on a HARD GAY rampage to avenge his brother, before Liu Bei takes the ridiculousness to still higher levels by somehow transforming into a giant ice dragon. Angry at not being selected for Yu-Gi-Oh, the dragon freezes a Wei stronghold before assaulting Wu and effectively taking out most of the named characters- what can Lu Xun do against this God Mode boss?

Minami-ke Okawari 5: Kana and Chiaki find themselves in trouble when they break a glass rabbit pendant belonging to Haruka- can they fix it or find a replacement before she comes home and discovers what they’ve done? All in all, this was a very predictable episode that basically repeated a pattern we’ve seen many times before, rendering it fairly entertaining but still not up to the level of the first season.

Mokke 14: It’s another average tale of the supernatural in this episode as Mizuki finds a staff that she believes will give her magical power- but what are the consequences of relying on such an artefact? As ever, it’s a pretty predictable and on-the-rails piece- more something you watch to pass the time than something you must prioritise.

Wait, didn’t we already have Mushishi and Mushi-Uta?

Persona Trinity Soul 5: Things are starting to make a bit more sense as Persona moves into its fifth episode, with more named characters gaining Personas and the action content taking off. The winter setting is making all the school scenes somehow reminiscent of Kanon, but this comparison aside, the series remains watchable if not outstanding.

Saiunkoku Monogatari II 34: The series is picking up again as the Ran arc gets properly underway- Shuuei is back home with the bittersweet attention from his brother’s wife, whilst Ensei is about to step up for some more screen time, even indicating that he too might have feelings for Shuurei (I see them more as a love born from admiration and respect than outright romantic feelings). It’s sad that there are only five episodes left, but better that than reams of filler.

Shigofumi 4: It seems as if nothing can top Shigofumi’s opening arc, but nonetheless this is another strong and welcome entry into the series’ logbook, revealing a little more about Fumika’s past, introducing a second mail carrier and fitting in a whole new one-off storyline about a girl who receives a Shigofumi from her estranged mother. The “my mother ran off with another man so I must turn HARD YURI” angle has perhaps been a little overdone in recent times, but I’m still enjoying the series; on an unrelated note, the soundtrack is worthy of note too.

Shion no Ou 14: I hate Satoru so much- he’s just the kind of annoyingly smug and manipulative little bastard you want to punch in the kidneys. When he’s not trying to expose traps or shed his blood all over a kifu, he’s busy mocking everyone and bullying poor Shion, and for what? Is he angry because his character design is so generic? Does he want a bigger role, maybe a bigger Liang? Either way, I hope his comeuppance is just around the corner, because the last thing I need is to punch through the screen of my laptop in an attempt to land a blow on his face.

Spice and Wolf 5: With Horo captured, Lawrence and his allies have to undertake a mission to rescue her- all the while trying to keep the upper hand with regards to their position and financial dealings. Much as I love this series, I have to admit that this instalment did suffer a little from ‘episode five syndrome’, but again there were some touching character moments as we again saw that even Horo the Wise isn’t invulnerable. Based on the preview, however, we might get to see her wolf form properly next week, which should be interesting.

MANGA

Claymore 77: With Galatea impaled and Miata deep in her own mental instability, only Clarice is still able to fight, but what sort of chance is the weakest Claymore going to have against an Awakened One? Under these conditions, the conclusion of this chapter is pretty predictable, but it’s a solid enough entry in the story nonetheless.

REC 37: As was inevitable since the beginning of her arc, Ao finally patches things up with Aka and cancels her claim on Matsumaru in this chapter, marking a predictable end to a predictable story. It’s times like this when I wonder what the true worth of reading this manga actually is- every arc follows exactly the same pattern, and no doubt it will long continue to do so.

Spiral 67-8: Volume fourteen of Spiral gets underway with these two chapters, in which the identical DNA of Kiyotaka&Ayumu and Yaiba&Hizumi is explored further whilst the endgame draws ever closer. I’ve already read what happens in this section of the story, but despite some disappointment at this whole story arc, I must continue with the series until the end.

Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicle 182: Kurogane gets a whole chapter in which to bid farewell to Tomoyo and pick up his father’s sword this time around, before everyone changes back into their initial costumes in order to visit Fei Wong in his sealed off timespace. In fact, that’s pretty much all that happens here, a sure sign that CLAMP will be dragging out every aspect of this series’ development for a long, long, long time to come. Then again, what did we expect?

Liu Bei: Damn those accursed Pleasure Rangers! Zhuge Liang, give me the HARD GAY power needed to defeat them!

Zhuge Liang: Certainly, my Lord.

Zhuge Liang uses the Lord’s Cube to infuse Liu Bei with HARD GAY energy; somehow in the process a boss monster is produced- a dragon with Liu Bei junctioned to its head.

Meanwhile, at Wu palace, Wei’s Zhang Liao comes charging in. He is taken to see Sun Quan.

Zhuge Jin: This must have something to do with Liu Bei- I bet he’s gone on a Pleasure rampage.

(Lu Xun: Master, what have you done? You’ve corrupted everyone with HARD GAY energy!)

Meanwhile, Zhang Liao makes his report.

Lu Meng: What are you doing here- aren’t we supposed to be enemies?

Zhang Liao: That was so last month- besides, there’s only time to resolve the Liu Bei storyline now. Anyway, I have bad news to report- when we went to attack Shu, a frigid wind stripped us of our desires for warming HARD GAY, and the whole army froze to death!

Sun Quan: We must fight this enemy of Pleasure!

As if on cue, Wu is assailed by a cold, frigid wind. Sun Quan talks with Zhang Zhao.

Sun Quan: Even though you are only a minor character, I want you to know that your off screen Pleasure teachings have always been of use to me.

Zhang Zhao: If only I had been a frontline soldier instead of a highly ranked civil advisor, I might have had more screen time!

The generics of Wu are evacuated from the capital.

Lu Xun: Master, why are you doing all this? None of it makes any sense!

Sun Quan: It may be that he is testing you- and if you prove worthy, you will finally see his mighty endowment.

Later, the Pleasure Rangers are waiting when the Liu Bei Dragon arrives. It looks like something out of Yu-Gi-Oh!.

Lu Xun: By the powers of love and friendship- Pleasure Rangers, move out!

Liu Bei: Frozen Breath!

Lu Xun: Blazing Shield!

Zhuge Jin: His power level is off the charts!

Lu Meng: There has to be a weakness! Bosses always have one weak point!

The Pleasure Rangers try a team attack, but the dragon deflects it.

Lu Meng: Lu Xun, you must retreat! The main character has to survive until the very end!

Whilst the other Pleasure Rangers attack, Lu Xun runs away.

Liu Bei: How dare you disrespect the final boss by running away? I’ll get you!

Zhuge Jin: Not so fast! We supporting characters need our time in the spotlight too, even if we are ultimately useless!

Meanwhile, Zhuge Liang is conducting a ritual to seal away the power of the Lord’s Cube, turning the Pleasure Rangers back to normal.

Liu Bei: Gwakaka, I cannot be defeated!

Liu Bei stabs Zhuge Jin.

(Zhuge Jin: NOOOOOOOOO!!! I never even got to sleep with Lu Xun!)

Liu Bei: Frozen Breath!

Ling Tong is hit by the blast. Gan Ning takes him out of harm’s way, but he dies of the cold.

Lu Meng: It’s just as Zhang Liao said- these frigid blasts are counteracting our Pleasure powers!

Using his searchlights, the Liu Bei dragon tracks down the remaining Pleasure Rangers.

Liu Bei: Take this! Frozen power of flashbacks!

Lu Meng is transfixed by a vision of Taishi Ci and gets frozen in a block of ice. Now only Gan Ning is left. He shoots an arrow to warn Lu Xun.

Gan Ning: It doesn’t matter if I die, because Zhou Yu is waiting for me in heaven!

The Liu Bei dragon heads for the capital and starts firing lasers and ice blasts at it. Lu Xun and Sun Quan take refuge in the basement whilst everyone else gets killed.

Lu Xun: What’s happening? I didn’t think this was going to be ‘everybody dies’ series!

After an hour or so they emerge to a world of frozen figures. Lu Xun spots his fellow Pleasure Rangers, now encased in ice.

Lu Xun: Angst Mode! The loss of my friends has left me in despair!

To be continued…

Guan Yu: Don’t you hate me? I mean, it was my turning into a horse monster that tipped this series over the edge into complete and utter ridiculousness.

Lu Xun: I shouldn’t worry, it was heading that way from the start. We shouldn’t blame ourselves when the writers are the ones at fault!

Meanwhile, Liu Bei is having a tantrum.

Liu Bei: Why am I being cast as the villain in this series? Everyone knows I’m righteous and good!

Upon seeing this, Zhang Fei realises that he must save Guan Yu by using the power of the Lord’s Sphere.

Zhang Fei: HARD GAY energy, flow into me- even if I end up turning into a ridiculous monster it will be worth it!

Zhuge Liang watches as Zhang Fei zooms off into the distance.

Zhuge Liang: Alas, any lover not worthy of my charms must be gotten rid of in this way. Zhao Yun, here is another dose of the mighty aphrodisiac that turned Guan Yu into a raging HORSE- use it as you wish.

Zhao Yun: But won’t the viewers become disillusioned if we use exactly the same trick twice in a row?

Zhuge Liang: Use it, boy, and I will show you why they nicknamed me “Huge Wang”.

Zhao Yun eagerly departs. Meanwhile, the Pleasure Rangers are preparing for Zhang Fei’s inevitable arrival.

Lu Meng: Guan Yu, your fate has been decided.

Guan Yu: Am I to be executed?

Lu Meng: Our Lord wishes to see you- if you can Pleasure him sufficiently, you may yet be spared.

Lu Meng and Lu Xun take Guan Yu outside to see Sun Quan.

Lu Xun: Lord Sun Quan is an amazing person- outwardly he seems so weak, and yet he is like an animal in the bedroom.

Sun Quan: Lu Meng, now that you’ve dragged Guan Yu all the way out to see me, you can reveal his fate.

Lu Meng: Guan Yu, you have been sentenced to punishment by Harvest Moon! You must take control of this barren, lifeless earth and transform it into a working farm within three years!

Guan Yu: I must protest! Who needs something useless like a farm when we could turn this into a massive flower garden of no practical use?

Sun Quan: Ah, let me just explain the teensy flaws in that argument. You see, people can’t eat flowers.

Guan Yu: Hmm, I guess you do have a point.

Guan Yu thinks back to when he met Zhang Fei and they fought over a watermelon the latter had stolen until Liu Bei broke up the fight.

Liu Bei: See how food causes fighting? We should abolish food in favour of flowers, which are peaceful and beautiful.

Back in the present…

Guan Yu: Just where exactly did we go wrong? I can’t seem to pinpoint the exact moment.

After half an episode, Zhang Fei finally reaches the Wu stronghold.

Gan Ning: Ranger Orange! Flare Arrow!

Ling Tong: Ranger Blue! Frontal assault!

Zhuge Jin: Ranger Green! Claw Swipe!

Zhang Fei: Counterattack! Energy Shield!

Zhang Fei easily deflects their attacks.

Lu Xun: You might be able to hold your own against supporting characters, but let’s see how you do against the lead! Ranger Red, power up!

Lu Xun and Zhang Fei commence battle.

Guan Yu: Sun Quan, I thank you for the Harvest Moon offer, but I must decline- for only I can save Zhang Fei from these raging HARD GAY impulses.

Zhang Fei throws his ‘balls’ at Lu Xun, but Guan Yu arrives in time to intercept them. The two ‘brothers’ engage in intense HARD GAY.

Guan Yu: Brother, for your sake I will quench your insatiable desires by giving my life in one last session of HARD GAY!

Guan Yu dies bringing Zhang Fei back to normal.

Zhang Fei: Guan Yu!!!!

Lu Xun: Angst Mode! I’m in despair!

Zhang Fei: This is all Zhuge Liang’s fault! There are some forms of HARD GAY that man was never meant to know about!

Zhao Yun appears from nowhere.

Zhao Yun: We’ll see about that! Open wide!

Zhao Yun forces the aphrodisiac on Zhang Fei. In another room, the Pleasure Rangers wait for him.

Lu Xun: Lu Meng, did you plan to recruit Zhang Fei from the start?

Lu Meng: Not really, but when I saw the size of his Sword, I knew he would be a great addition to the group.

Zhang Fei enters.

Ling Tong: About time- we’ve all been waiting for you to service us.

Unfortunately, the aphrodisiac has turned him into a sex-starved beast.

Lu Xun: Why? Why did you take drugs when we could have had great HARD GAY without them?

Zhang Fei: I didn’t want to- AAAGGHHH!!!!

Zhang Fei resists the power of the aphrodisiac and ends up turning into purple sparkles.

Lu Xun: Not again! I’m in despair!

Back at the Shu palace, Zhuge Liang informs Liu Bei of recent events.

Zhuge Liang: Well, it looks like Guan Yu and Zhang Fei are dead- it’s just you and me now, my Lord.

To be continued…

Reviewed this week: Aria the Origination 4, Gunslinger Girl- Il Teatrino 3, Kaiji 16, Koutetsu 19-20, Minami-ke Okawari 2-4, Mokke 11-13, Persona 4, RxJ 24, SaiMono II 33, Shigofumi 3, Shion no Ou 12-13, Sketchbook 11, Spice and Wolf 4, Zoku Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei 3

…and in manga: Nodame 100-106, Sketchbook 1-5, Three 1, Tsubasa 181

ANIME

CURRENT SERIES RANKINGS

1. Aria the Origination (1) – the Single life
2. Spice and Wolf (2) –wolf at the door
3. Shigofumi (3) – felt like jumping
4. SaiMono II (4) – too many characters
5. Kaiji (5) – zawa, zawa
6. Zoku Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei (7) – mind-altering drug
7. Minami-ke Okawari (9)- not quite the same
8. Persona Trinity Soul (10)- Mushi-Uta’s successor
9. Sketchbook ~full color’S~ (8) – lots of cats
10. Gunslinger Girl- Il teatrino (11)- Pinocchio
11. Clannad (12) – the world is made of invisible harps
12. Shion no Ou (13) – tournament time
13. Mokke (14)- magical cat

SLOW RANKINGS

1. Tetsuko no Tabi (2)- is this ever going to be subbed?
2. Sisters of Wellber (3) – predictable but fun
3. Himawari!! (4) – needs less plot
4. Koutetsu Sangokushi (5) – pure HARD GAY
5. Shounen Onmyouji (6)- mediocre
6. Love GetChu! (7)- light entertainment
7. Romeo X Juliet (8) – WOOD <- complete!

Aria the Origination 4: I think we’ve already established that I love Aria, but once again this episode affirms that love. Since Alice and Aika are busy, Akari has a day off from her usual schedule, and so Alicia suggests that she try her skills at the Traghetto, an event where Singles can pair up and take people out. To that end, Akari meets three one-shot Singles who show us just how hard it is to make it all the way to Prima, although it seems as if our lead might just have the skills to do it. I love Aria even when it goes nowhere, but to see Akari slowly growing up is an especial treat- much as I never want this to end, it will be great to see her come into her own and presumably become a great Prima at the end.

Gunslinger Girl- Il Teatrino 3: As the Pinocchio arc continues, I’m left with mixed feelings- there are times when I can see through to the original brilliance of the manga, but then the anime goes and throws it away with its poor production values and inexpert presentation. I feel that this is the point where I must accept that it will never live up to either the manga or the first anime season and just try to watch it as if it was a separate entity of bronze level.

Kaiji 16: E-card starts to get underway in this episode, as Tonegawa explains the rules and plays his first couple of hands against Kaiji. The game is simple enough but with an element of psychological strategy that should make the arc as gripping as ever- especially when Kaiji must bet his eye or ear if he wants to rake in the big money. I’m sure this game will be a big hit with the kids.

Koutetsu Sangokushi 19-20: I really didn’t think this series could get any more ridiculous, but I had to quickly revise my position after the events of these two episodes, in which an excess of HARD GAY power turns Guan Yu into a giant mechanical horse monster which then goes on a rampage after our heroes. I think we can safely say that all pretence of a plot has long since gone out of the window- in its plce, we can laugh at the new heights of ridiculousness this series is prepared to go to.

Minami-ke Okawari 2-4: Although the changes in tone still feel a little jarring, I’m settling into the second season of Minami-ke a little more- underneath the cosmetic changes and breast enhancements for Haruka, the same quality of amusement is there. In these three episodes, we see the Minami sisters and their friends visit a bathhouse, enjoy a ‘pyjama festival’ and unwillingly participate

Mokke 11-13: With three more episodes under my belt, I can now clearly see my problem with Mokke- it just makes the supernatural so unappealing. Instead of being able to enjoy these phenomena, they’re wreathed in doom and gloom, whilst Grandpa is basically a miserable old bastard 95% of the time. Anyway, within those restrictions, this trio of episodes bring us more one-off stories- first Mizuki and Shizuru encounter a one-eyed demon of bad luck, then Mizuki is inconvenienced by a possessed bridge, before finally one of Shizuru’s classmates takes a romantic interest in her and ends up gaining the assistance of a perverted little man-creature. It’s all very standard, and whilst not especially poor, it is the weakest of the non-slow series I’m following right now.

Persona Trinity Soul 4: Ah, Persona, I’m drawn to you despite not knowing what’s going on, although my suspicions about Jun being possessed by the spirit of his dead twin seem to be correct. Compared to previous episodes, this one slows down the pace a lot, preferring to focus on mystery and character introspection than action and Shadow-stripping, but it’s all good.

*COMPLETE* Romeo X Juliet 24: I’ve finally bothered to watch the final episode of RxJ, and it was as disappointing as expected- after some overtures towards the customary final boss battle, Romeo is killed and Juliet turns into WOOD, whilst all the supporting characters live happily ever after. Consider me unimpressed.

Saiunkoku Monogatari II 33: With Shuurei’s help, Shuuei manages to make it out of the city, but now all the supporting characters are getting worried about screen time, resulting in discussions, hints to conspiracies and Ryuuki’s inevitable attempts to avoid discussing marriage. Such a dialogue heavy episode can’t really be enjoyed raw by someone of my level (especially when I’m impatient to see more of the Ran family), but there are still some entertaining moments when Ryuuki, Seiran and Ensei get a look in (am I the only one struggling with all these new faces?).

“You cannot treat the main character in this way!”

Shigofumi 3: Although the last minute editing led to a rather jarring hostage situation in which the perpetrator spent all his time apparently unarmed and indeed lacking any body below the neck, I still enjoyed this episode of Shigofumi. Whilst the main story concerns a father desperate to find out why his son suddenly committed suicide, the ending also seems to probe into Fumika’s past, indicating that she may not have always been a mail-carrier. Bring on the next episode.

Shion no Ou 12-13: Even though it hasn’t particularly improved, I’m becoming oddly addicted to Shion no Ou- possibly in the same way that unappetising sweets can become more-ish if you eat enough of them. In this pair of episodes, the tournament continues with all three girls getting soundly defeated, only to get a convenient second chance in a later match against some generics. Whilst Satoru appears to be showing his colours as a creepy sadist with a penchant for stirring up trouble, episode thirteen ends on a cliff-hanger that might just see Ayumi’s trap status blown for good. Well, on balance it probably won’t be, but at least it provides an impetus to say “yay, episode fourteen! Now!”

No, not as yet.

Sketchbook ~full color’S~ 11: Another episode of Sketchbook is here, and happily it is as cat-filled as promised, as our feline heroes try to think of a way to convince Sora (who is sick at home with a cold) that cats really don’t want to eat expired food. A simple enough premise, perhaps, but with cats as cute and fluffy as these ones, one I’m willing to sit and watch.

Spice and Wolf 4: Be it action or character moments, Spice and Wolf keeps me deftly in the palm of its hand, and with the silver coin conspiracy heating up, there’s plenty of both in this episode- which ends with Horo on the verge of getting captured by a rival company and apparently recognising a familiar face. The highlight of the episode must surely be Horo’s speech on loneliness- a sure reminder that no matter how old and wise you are, it’s never pleasant to go it alone. Even I wanted to hug her at that point.

Zoku Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei 3: The pattern for this new season appears to be that the first eight minutes are where SHAFT has free rein to delve into their hallucinogenic stores and deliver utter craziness that only those with a particular mindset can enjoy, before settling back into more season one-like levels for the rest of the episode. After the aforementioned craziness, the episode moves into ‘duties that aren’t really duties’ (such as updating one’s blog with a weekly round-up every Friday) and the need to counter casual revelations of big events with momentous revelations of trivial ones. Enjoyable stuff indeed- if you take your magic mushrooms first.

MANGA

Nodame Cantabile 100-106: Another volume down the line, and Nodame and Chiaki are being drawn apart by their respective work schedules, so much so that Chiaki decides to move out and rent a new place. Will they inevitably be drawn back together, or is it best for each of them to follow their own paths? In between the continuing development of our two leads, some time is also devoted to piano genius Rui, who must herself decide on her future- even if it isn’t what her mother wants for her.

*NEW* Sketchbook 1-5: As part of the ‘start new manga in 2008’ drive, Sketchbook has become one of the first titles to be delved into- the original manga, of course, from which the full color’S anime is adapted. In true 4-koma style this manga is a bit hit-and-miss- sometimes a joke or observation will hit its mark, but at other times either the timing is poor or something gets lost in translation and it falls a little flat. I think I prefer the anime overall, but I will continue to read the manga anyway.

*NEW* Three 1: I wasn’t actually intending to start this, but since the first chapter came zipped with Tennai 31, it seemed a waste not to read it. My second Fuyumi Soryo title (the first being Eternal Sabbath), Three introduces a young girl striving to become an idol, her brooding rock star cousin and a boy with the indefinable ‘magic’ needed to become a true star. So far, so cliché, but it should make for a solid read if not a particularly outstanding one.

Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicle 181: A bit more exposition avoids the need for anything to really happen in this chapter, which reveals that Fei Wong is in Clow Country after all, whilst not really doing much else except show off CLAMP’s drawing skills. Apparently, however, the price for journeying further onwards has already been paid when someone gave up his memories- am I right in thinking this might be Watanuki? Perhaps I should get back to reading xxxHOLiC, if I can recall where I left off.

Zhang Fei: Zhuge Liang, where did you send Guan Yu? It’s getting late and I need him to warm my bed.

Zhuge Liang: Sorry, but I’ve been too busy admiring myself to know where he is- he could have turned into a raging horse monster for all I know.

Zhang Fei: Horse monster? Damn you and your Lord’s Cube- I knew it was bad for the body!

Zhang Fei runs off to find Guan Yu.

Liu Bei: Where’s Zhang Fei off to?

Zhuge Liang: Oh, he’s just gone to help the horse monster, er, I mean Guan Yu. More importantly, this means that you and I are alone here- what say we retire to the bedroom?

Meanwhile, the remaining Pleasure Rangers are camped out in the woods. As usual, Gan Ning gives himself Flute whilst Lu Xun remains in Angst Mode.

Ling Tong: Stop giving yourself Flute, Gan Ning, and service someone else for once!

Zhuge Jin: Don’t force him- it takes a man a while to master Flute.

Gan Ning: To be honest, after Zhou Yu died, I’ve lost interest in other men.

Zhuge Jin: Well, at least we have Lu Meng- he’ll do it with anyone.

As if on cue, Lu Meng calls everyone over. After a night of HARD GAY, they continue their journey.

Ling Tong: Everything’s gone wrong! We’re supposed to be the Six MANLY Steeds, but now there are only five of us! Someone’s going to end up without a partner!

Somehow, Sun Quan randomly appears before them.

Sun Quan: Did I hear something about there being a shortage of men? Perhaps I can help.

Everyone sits down on a nice comfortable rock outcropping in the middle of nowhere.

Lu Meng: Well, this is a surprise.

Sun Quan: I’m fed up with just wandering around the palace gardens doing absolutely nothing of plot importance- I want to do something constructive!

Ling Tong: All right! Now let’s get back to the palace and have a wander round the gardens.

Everyone is delighted to have Sun Quan as a new regular HARD GAY partner.

Generic: My Lord, Guan Yu has turned into a monster and gone on a rampage!

Ling Tong: What? So Taishi Ci basically died for nothing?

Lu Meng: Yep, pretty much, but luckily I have a cunning plan that I borrowed from Utawarerumono. What we’ll do is lure Guan Yu onto some wet marshland, and then when he sinks in we can each attack him and share the EXP. Well, everyone except you, Lu Xun- you’ve lost your Ranger powers and can’t participate.

Lu Xun: What the hell? I’m the main character!

Lu Meng: Oh shut up, you angsty little brat.

Lu Xun: Angsty!? This cruel and insensitive world has left me in despair!

Lu Xun goes off to angst by himself, but Sun Quan follows him.

Lu Xun: I just can’t help it, I’m obsessed with Zhuge Liang. All I want is to see his mighty weapon!

Sun Quan: It’s an understandable desire, really, but you won’t ever be happy unless you act on it.

The Guan Yu horse monster slowly approaches the marshy area- it is time for the Pleasure Rangers to act.

Ling Tong: Ranger Blue! Boomerang Strike!

Guan Yu is lured into the marsh, where he sinks down.

Zhuge Jin: Ranger Green! Spider Web!

Zhuge Jin traps Guan Yu in an energy web.

Gan Ning: Ranger Orange! Flare Arrow!

Guan Yu: Gwakaka, such preliminary strikes cannot finish me off!

Lu Meng: It’s my turn! Ranger Turquoise! Revenge Strike! This is for Taishi Ci!

Lu Meng finishes off Guan Yu…or so it seems, until he rises up yet again.

Sun Quan: He’s being driven by the burning passion of HARD GAY! There may be no stopping him! Lu Xun, run away!

Lu Xun: I can’t run away- only a main character can finish off such a high profile enemy! Restore powers- Ranger Red! Ultimate Finishing Blow!

Lu Xun somehow regains his powers and uses them to finally defeat the horse monster, restoring Guan Yu to human form.

To be continued…