HITS

Kare Kano (His and Her Circumstances)
I absolutely love Kare Kano, and whilst the manga is far better than the anime, that doesn’t mean that the animated version isn’t worth a look. Sadly, Kare Kano is dogged by an animation budget so low that much of the series is stills (or even cardboard cut-outs at one point), to the point that whenever you begin watching, you cannot help feeling frustratingly divorced from the action. Nonetheless, the base brilliance of this tale of high school life, keeping up appearances and the effect of first love cannot help but shine through, and with an amazingly cheap series boxset now available, there is no excuse not to check it out.

Memorable moments: Too many to pick just one or two.

NEUTRAL

Neon Genesis Evangelion

Ah, and this is where the you-know-what hits the you-know-where. Yes, in the early days of anime fanhood, I loved Eva- I obsessed over the characters, rewatched it several times in both English and Japanese, made it my desktop and drew endless reams of fanart. Ultimately, though, whilst I still believe it has worth in getting across Anno’s message about depression and in delivering some powerful moments, as an anime series, it doesn’t work. The story meanders between giant robots, light harem and ponderous religious themes, leaving huge parts undeveloped due to its raw and unpolished state (both a strength and weakness for the series). And when we look at the main characters, what do we see- a whingy, angsty boy getting into his mother to impress his daddy; an emotionless doll and an overbearing young woman who turns out to also have a traumatic back story. Worse yet, Gainax just can’t leave it alone- instead we have to have movie remakes and increasingly ridiculous amounts of merchandise shoved down our throats. Thought those Eva soap dishes were bad enough? How about specially themed Eva juices, or figures based on what the Angels might have looked like if they were humanoid women?

I know a lot of you will want to flame me for this, but please save it for the day when I write a full “Evangelion Deconstructed” post.

Memorable moments: Shinji watching in horror as the Unit 1 autopilot goes berserk on Unit 3, Rei telling Ritsuko’s mother that Gendou calls her an old hag.

FLCL

FLCL is hard to class; after all, it is so insane that no one can truly understand what is going on, and so most end up either loving it or hating it. I think I need to watch it at least once more before coming to a final decision; there are times when the over-the-top ridiculousness of it gets annoying, but also times when it’s actually quite fun to just sit back and get taken on a crazy ride.

Memorable moments: Not a moment, but the soundtrack is rather memorable.

Gunbuster 2

Gunbuster 2 is an odd OVA; it starts out setting up one story, only to diverge off into another less satisfying one halfway through. Had it properly finished what it started instead of veering off into this new direction I would have enjoyed it a lot more, but as it stands the feeling of petering out towards the end is a little disappointing. Nonetheless, the character designs are at least bright, colourful and worthy of note.

Memorable moments: Nono demonstrating her splitting capabilities.

MISSES

Magical Shopping Arcade Abenobashi
I’ve already written about this for another article, but Abenobashi and I simply didn’t get on. Instead of being the clever parody of anime, game and film stereotypes that I had hoped for, Abenobashi descended into tiresome attempts at plot and unfunny jokes that just made me want them the whole experience to be over with quickly. The ending was also a perfect example of why Gainax are so bad at conclusions, fizzling out like a damp squib rather than bringing anything to a proper conclusion.

Mahoromatic – Automatic Maiden
Ah, Mahoro, why did I subject myself to you? Yes, it did improve slightly towards the end, but the feather-light storyline and masses of fanservice surely put it in squarely in the “why am I watching this crap?” category. Worst of all was the well-endowed teacher who seemed desperate to get it on with the main character- was I the only one who found this creepy? Surely one to miss- the trauma of episode four’s beach visit still haunts me to this day.

This Ugly Yet Beautiful World (Kono Mini)

For some reason, I had led myself to believe that this would be a serious and thought-provoking series, and so when I came to realise that it was going to be nothing more than a mediocre fanservice fest, I couldn’t help but be disappointed. Admittedly, most series have a light throwaway episode or two, but Kono Mini is effectively entirely composed of such episodes, with even the main plot proving to be an ultimately disappointing excuse to slip in the Angels that failed the auditions for Eva. In the end, the only things I really liked were the OP animation and Hikari and Akari’s character designs.

Final Thoughts
With its predilection for maid- and fanservice and its over-reliance on the legacy of Eva, Gainax is sadly not all that impressive on the content front. Nonetheless, it has managed to carve out a high profile in the minds of many anime fans, and if nothing else, it can be said to be responsible for the Unit 1 look-alikes that infest the lands of anime in the modern age.

Further Extracts from the Book of HARD GAY: Who to sleep with in Iroha world

• Akidzuki: a master of the Sword, Akidzuki is a staunch supporter of classic HARD GAY, and refuses to contemplate variations. Nonetheless, he offers the solid experience expected of a main character.
• Soutetsu: one of the pioneers of BI, Soutetsu is highly skilled, but his continual drive for new techniques may put off those who don’t like to get experimental in the bedroom.
• Shiranui: another supporter of BI, Shiranui seems to be more inclined towards women these days, but those who can offer him a good experience will surely gain his attention.
• Zagashira: an older man, and quite a pedestrian partner.
• Kanna: a master of Gun, Kanna’s skill is near unsurpassed in the realms of HARD GAY, but later in the series he is tempted to the BI side despite a bad experience with women earlier in life.
• Nakaiya: a staunch follower of the Gwakaka school of villainy, Nakaiya prefers his passion to be red hot and burning. Don’t worry about giving him a fatal dose of Pleasure- he’ll be fine by the next morning.
• Chess Piece Team: although they do contain one woman, the males of the team offer an explosive BI experience.
• Parkes: with his knowledge of English HARD GAY techniques, Parkes may not be the most attractive of partners, but he has unique skills that the Japanese partners cannot offer.
• Glover: another master of foreign HARD GAY, Glover usually prefers to save himself, but can be convinced to take action if Gun is involved.
• Enomoto: with the aphrodisiac power of the Lord’s Head, Enomoto can seduce entire armies of men in a single session, but of late he has been distracted by both BI and the idea of creating a republic with those who have mere Ezos. If you feel too small for other partners, choose him.
• Saiga: a sniper with expert knowledge of Gun. He is painstakingly meticulous in the bedroom.
• Hijikata: another supporter of pure HARD GAY, Hijikata offers a solid experience.
• Tetsunosuke: although he does not have the same prominence here as in Peacemaker, Tetsunosuke has already gained a good grasp of Sword even at his young age. Hardly a first choice partner, but good if no other options are available.
• Kakashi: a typical strong-man, intense the bedroom but rarely original or exciting.
• Katsu: ever since the death of Ryouma, Katsu seems disillusioned towards HARD GAY, with only the most skilled of partners able to catch his eye and persuade him to take them to his bed.
• Ryouma: although he is already dead by the time the series begins, Ryouma is worthy of note as a skilled man of HARD GAY who set many men on the path of true HARD GAY. He seemed disinterested in BI, yet tolerant of those who practised it.
• Okita: a sickly man, one should take care with Okita, lest he die in the throes of intense passion.
• Shoten: an old man, Shoten claims his Liang is barely functional, and is only up for the gentlest of HARD GAY sessions.
• Hario: a rough and unrefined partner in the bedroom, albeit a powerful one. Best for those who prefer intensity over finesse.
• Shinza: Shoten’s assistant, Shinza offers an extremely powerful form of HARD GAY, although Shoten will usually want to watch,

SaiMonoWarriors

Remember UtaWarriors? After playing it, the desire to turn many other series into scrolling battlers could not be denied, and the first to receive this treatment is SaiMono. SMWarriors is only in the early stages of development now, but here a few details.

Playable characters: Shuurei (broom), Ryuuki (sword), Seiran (sword), Shuuei (large sword), Kouyuu (short sword), Ryuuren (flute), Ensei (staff), Eigetsu (blunted mace, powers up into Yougetsu).

Levels: Defend the capital from generic soldiers; Foil Official Sai; Race to Sa Province; Attack on Sa palace.

Eventually more characters and individual story modes will be added.

Kono Mini Pick ‘N’ Mix Part 2

STRAIGHT holds no mysteries for Ryou.

“It’s her first night here, so let’s start out with HARD YURI.”

“Have you already had INCEST STRAIGHT with him?”

“It’s only natural when you’re two siblings living alone without parents!”

“It happens all the time in anime!”

“Don’t touch me there!”

“Did you have to be so rough?”

“It’s the only way I could get myself aroused.”

“She’ll get naked at the drop of a hat!”

This needs no caption.

A group session proves to be successful.

Random Thoughts: Griffith

This week we manage to catch Griffith/Femto of Berserk fame, in order to put a few questions to him! First up, Griffith, what are the advantages of being one of the Godhand?

Godhand is quite a literal title, you know- it means I have the Hands of the God when it comes to Hyper Self Pleasure. Even though it meant giving up my good looks and regular partners in order to achieve this state, let me assure you that it’s worth it- and the Liangs of the male Godhand are indeed extremely Zhuge.

We saw both you and Guts have HARD GAY at various points in the series, but did the two of you ever do the deed together?

Of course we did- why do you think I was so upset when he left the Band of the Hawk? So upset, in fact that I had to turn to STRAIGHT.

How do feel about the general ugliness and retro horror feel of your world?

Well, in my human form I was good looking enough to make up for all of that.

And finally, what’s the secret to lustrous and shiny hair?

Many people rely on shampoo, but I just like a good hose down with freezing cold water in the middle of a river or practise yard. You can’t beat the cooling effects of a bucketful of icy water, especially if you have a lusty young man to scrub your back.

This Week in Anime

Pears hold secret conference.

Oranges prepare to overpower limes and pineapples, but a potato rescue force is not far behind.

Raspberries gather in an abandoned orange outpost.

Fat cat raises next generation of obese felines.

Apple sacrifices itself to save its fellows from being eaten.

Monthly Awards

Anime of the month goes to the unexpectedly worthy Windy Tales, a series that belongs with the highest calibre of slice-of-life.

Manga of the month is shared between the short yet worthy Otogi Zoshi manga, and the much longer but good for entirely different reasons Berserk, which is more enjoyable than its MANLY retro gore aesthetic would seem to indicate.

Cat-drenched series of the month also goes to Windy Tales, a series where hundreds of cats can fly in the sky at any one time.

Highest Body Count of the month is shared between Berserk and Darker than Black (remember, generics don’t count as one body each).

Mid-Season Awards

The “I’m still yawning” Prize for Continuing Boredom rests with El Cazador de la Bruja, which has grown steadily worse over the last three weeks.

The On the Fence Award for a Series that I want to like but am slowly growing disillusioned with is shared between Bokurano (on hiatus) and Claymore (still watching).

The 1337est of the 1337 Award for Continuing Excellence is once again shared between SaiMono season II, Emma season II and Darker than Black.

Special Prize for Only Winter Series Still Being Watched goes to Nodame Cantabile, although technically Deltora Quest is only on hiatus…a long hiatus.

The Manly Men Award for Zhugest Liangs goes to Moonlight Mile, which I have been told is overflowing with MANLINESS.

The Pegasus Award for Raising Awareness of HORSE goes to Romeo X Juliet.

The “I Want to Live There” Award for Best Setting is shared between Romeo X Juliet and Seirei no Moribito.

The Dark and Gritty Award for Most Disappointing Series goes to the “so poor it’s not even laughably bad” SKULLMAN.

HARD GAY corner: Samurai 7

When the STRAIGHT Emperor starts gathering women and bandits infest the lands, the people of Kanna Village know that only HARD GAY samurai with swords can save them- to that end, water priestess Kirara is sent out with her gaydar to track down worthy samurai and bring them back. The final line up consists of Kanbe, a man skilled with Sword but unable to keep a lover for long; Gorobe, skilled in long range HARD GAY; Heihachi, practised in mechanical devices; Kikuchiyo, a mechanical samurai converted to increased his Pleasuring intensity; Shichroji, a master of Spear; Kyuzo, a cool and calm Sword master and Katsushiro, who learns the ways of HARD GAY as the series progresses. Over the course of 26 episodes, those whose HARD GAY is too weak to withstand the forces of STRAIGHT are weeded out, but those who refine their HARD GAY defeat the evil STRAIGHT, enabling the peasants to express any preference they wish.

OST spotlight: Noir OST2

The first Noir OST was always going to be a hard act to follow, and unfortunately, although it is solid enough, this CD just can’t live up to its predecessor. The range of tracks is geared towards quieter and scene setting themes that capture the flavours of a range of different countries across Europe and Asia, and whilst it can all get a little too slow and laboured at times, it is worth the price of admission just for the eerily haunting strains of “Salva Nos II”, an impressive reworking of the series’ “action theme” into something very different but equally worthy. Equally deserving of note is the fact that Yuki Kajiura proves with her Colosseum theme that bagpipes can actually be used in a worthwhile fashion

Notable tracks: Secret Game, Salva Nos II, Maze, Killing

Mini-editorial: Should anime fans feel compelled to support their local market?

In the UK, it is easy enough to import DVDs and manga from America (or, for those with the extra cash, Japan), but there are equally those who believe that it shouldn’t be done- that if we want our fledgling anime and manga market to flourish, we must invest in it instead. This is of course, a valid point, but for those of us who must carefully plan how to spend our disposable income in order to get the best value for money, the US market is that much more attractive- after all, an £11 good quality DVD is more appealing than a £15 inferior quality one released several months later. Of course, the quality cannot increase without an influx of money, but is it our duty as consumers to feel constrained by the bigger picture? Shouldn’t it be up to the companies themselves to make their product the best on the market (or less encouragingly, bully the alternatives out of business)? Or ultimately, does it matter if a small cadre of hardcore fans choose to import, when the bulk of more casual anime buyers will not know or care how to do so?

To be perfectly honest, I may live in England, but I actually know less about UK anime release schedules than those of the R1 DVDs or US published manga I am interested in buying (this wasn’t always the case, and I still have many R2s from the old days). I know there will be those who will grumble under their breath, but ultimately isn’t it up to the individual how they spend their money (within obvious legal constraints)? If you have the funds to “double dip” and buy both US and UK versions, or the patience and tolerance for some of the tissue paper level DVDs and casings with the occasional French or German lines in the subtitles that are seen on this side of the Atlantic, then by all means go ahead (yes, some R2s are better, but only a few), but be prepared to accept that not everyone wants to do this.

In Your Reflection

This week’s head-to-head is between Spiral’s Ayumu Narumi and Loveless’ Aoyagi Ritsuka. At the beginning of the series, both characters in a position where their older brother is missing/apparently dead, leaving them to live with a female family member. In short order, they are thrust into a clandestine underground world, with mysterious rules and unknown members, whilst retaining a link to normal life through their female schoolfriend.

Fashion Police: Maria

In the last of our Burst Angel arrests, the police have chosen to take down their most dangerous target yet- the highly impractically dressed Maria. As we can see from the picture, her “dress” not only covers an amazingly small amount of flesh, but there seems to be nothing at all holding it up at the front, resulting in a situation for potential disaster beyond even that of Sei. The legs are at least reasonably dressed, although the logic of tying a knife into one’s ponytail and having two large wings of hair must surely be questioned.

Fashion sense: D-

Amusing Search Terms

Old favourites: hard yaoi, yaoi hard, “hack pre audition”, cat on acid, “hack boss audition”

Manshiro Boy?: Welcome to the world of the Otome manga.

bursting nipples: Sounds painful.

the fourth round rumble: what is this?

EVILS vampires MANGA: Hmm, that’s specific.

.hack//roots 26+?: No, no more!

lesbian trio: Still looking for that elusive threesome.

stick hard yaoi: Stick it in.

how to put you toube in facebook: “Hello, can I put my toube in your face?”

Manga flame drawings: none her.

irohanihoheto second series: it was a good enough series, but wasn’t one season enough?

Romance of the Three Kingdoms Goes Henta: ROTK hentai?

pictures of nakade gay men: okay…

Harvest moon parody: look, Hung, people do read this kind of thing!

futanari lesbians: once again, okay…

“but for now” mid: but for now, it hasn’t been found.

anime: friends scattered: oh no, friends divided, probably in an unknown land!

A guide to a typical El Cazador episode

Even at this early stage, it is clear that El Cazador’s writers have failed to grasp the value of originality, and so I can confidently predict the pattern of at least nineteen of the next twenty episodes of the series.

1. Nadie and Ellis are driving south when bounty hunters catch up with them. In the ensuing chase or encounter, their car is crashed, and they are forced to stay in a nearby town or house.
2. Any generic the pair encounter will automatically help them, simply because they are the main character. They may also expound upon the clichéd and ultimately insignificant problems in their lives.
3. LA will film some footage of Ellis.
4. The bounty hunters catch up with the leads, and may even kidnap Ellis. Nadi goes after them, and will either shoot them in a back alley or after a GTA-style car chase.
5. Rosenberg logs onto his computer, whilst Blue Eyes takes a moment to privately say “Gwakaka, your plans will never come to pass, Rosenberg!”.
6. Nadi and Ellis get another car from somewhere and drive on through the incredibly dull cactus and dust filled desert.

Future predictions for El Cazador

Continuing with the El-C theme, the time has surely come to ask what will happen later on in the series. With Madlax in mind, we can deduce that nothing will be too ridiculous, and so here are some predictions.

• Nadie, Ellis, Lirio and LA are all different aspects of the same person. Alternatively, Ellis and LA were created from energy in the same way as matter and anti-matter, and Ellis materialised Nadie to act as a protector.
• Rosenberg is the reincarnation of Schneider, and Ricardo is the clone of his brother. Lirio is Schneider’s secret love child.
• Ellis, Lirio and LA are all destined beings raised in different circumstances. One (or two) of them must be chosen to be the controlling mind for a giant doomsday computer system.
• Everyone in El Cazador world is already dead, and Nadie and Ellis’ journey is an attempt to get to the afterlife.
• The whole series is taking place in Tsubasa bus filler world.

Kono Mini Pick ‘N’ Mix Part 1- Evil nipples abound

HARD YURI is not something to be done by halves.

These screencaps do not need exaggeration, since in typical Gainax style she did indeed walk in and see a RAGING HARD-ON.

Coming soon: world’s lamest fanservice excuses.

Akari has vigorous FISH.

“If you’re just faking it, I’m not going to be pleased!”

“I choose STRAIGHT!”

“STRAIGHT it is- now could I have a large serving to my mouth?”

“No, not HARD YURI!”

“He was the one I first had STRAIGHT with!”

“She’s giving him STRAIGHT all right!”

Short parody: Reideen and the f word

Those who watch Reideen may notice the series’ propensity for swearing, and so the time has come to construct a guide to communicating in the Reideen world. Here a few guide phrases to get you started.

Normal: Hello.

Reideen: Who the f**king hell are you?

Normal: I’m just going to the shop to get some milk.

Reideen: I’m bloody well going to the f**king shop to get some f**king milk.

Normal: It’s not looking good.

Reideen: We’re f**king royally screwed! Holy sh*t!

Normal: Last Exile is the bible.

Reideen: Last f**king Exile is the f**king bible, f**kwit!

Normal: Our breaking story tonight on the six o’clock news- kitten caught in tree!

Reideen: Our f**king story tonight on the six o’ f**king clock news- kitten f**king caught in f**king tree!

This Week in Anime

The watermelon arc begins in Kono Mini.

Who else can perfectly peel their watermelon like this?

One watermelon just isn’t enough.

For dinner tonight, we have watermelon, followed by watermelon and then a touch of watermelon to finish.

Darker than black cat emerges.

Anime Awards

Most Easily Forgotten Series of the Week: Poor Claymore, I completely and utterly forgot to watch episode 7 last week- is that a sign that I’m not as committed to the series as I thought?

1337est Character Appearance of the Week must go to Romeo X Juliet’s Tybalt, whose brief appearance at the end of episode six promised much for his character. I knew I was right to name a character in Galaxycats after him.

Best Episode of the Week is a tie between the excellent third episode of Emma season two, and the compelling sixth instalment of Darker than Black.

Anime World Tour: Romeo X Juliet

High above the streets of Neo Venezia[1] floats the aerial city of Neo Verona, a place of unsurpassed architectural beauty that will delight the eye of any tourist. For best results when taking in the breathtaking scenery, we recommend the majestic flying Pegasus, although those who prefer to travel by ground will find themselves well provided for in the horse drawn carriage department.

Visitors to Neo Verona should, however, be aware that the political situations is undergoing some turmoil at the moment, with the Montague family’s iron grip on the city causing dissent amongst the populace and some noble families. As long as you avoid the soldiers, this should not trouble you too much, although it is recommended to enter and leave the city via the north gate. Also, during your stay, do not forget to take in one of William Shakespeare’s plays; at the time of writing the players were working on “Otello”, a unique version of Othello that lacks all instances of the letter “h” in the script.

OST spotlight: Noir OST1\r\nNoir was my very first exposure to the music of Yuki Kajiura, and from the first minute I heard the haunting melodies of the series, I knew that I had to have the CD (naturally resulting in my buying the expensive Japanese version some months before Geneon inevitably released a cheaper US version). Although it doesn’t quite make it up there with the Madlax and .hack//SIGN OSTs, this CD still manages to offer a powerful selection of music, from fast paced action and tense jungle themes to haunting melodies and strong choral pieces. Whether you’re already a fan of Yuki Kajiura or just want to sample her work, this is a good place to start.

Notable tracks: Les Soldats, Canta Per Me, Melodie, Salva Nos

Mini-editorial: “How to blog”

Every so often, someone in the blogworld writes about its deficiencies, sparking a wave of articles about blogging and how to make your mark instead of sinking below the waves. Whilst some of this advice is no doubt useful, is following it to the letter really all that wise? If a blogger begins to calculate every article for maximum readership, won’t it inevitably come at the expense of his or her individual voice, and of course motivation? Everyone else may be writing about a popular series like Kanon, but if you still feel you have something to say, why should you hold back (although as Impz and Lupus once said, arguably you could just write something on Word and leave it on your hard drive if you truly don’t care about anyone else reading it)? If no one else is blogging Moonlight Mile, should you force yourself to cover it just because it’s a gap in the market. If you’re so stuck for things to say that you have to follow blogging guidelines as to the most popular topics, should you even be writing anything at all?

Ultimately, existing in the blogworld does mean that you will be influenced by what other bloggers and commenters have written, and you may well find that someone has already made a better job of that article you planned to write, or that you just have to create a response to something you’ve read. That’s all fine, but forcing yourself to cover something you have no enthusiasm, or thinking that you mustn’t write about something because someone else already has will most likely lead to a loss of both motivation and writing quality.

Harem of the week: Shiki Tohno (Lunar Legend Tsukihime)

nAs an eroge protagonist, Shiki needed plenty of girls to sleep with, but luckily he was able to make a good anime out of his exploits too.

Harem

Arcueid Brunestud: A powerful vampire with an unconventional personality, Arcueid spends many nights with Shiki and thinks of him as her own.

Akiha Tohno: Shiki’s sister, she seems strict and proper on the outside, but clearly is devoted to her brother’s wellbeing.

Hisui and Kohaku: Twin maids at the Tohno household.

Ciel: Shiki’s upperclassman and an operative for the church, she doesn’t want other women getting their hands on Shiki.

Aoko Aozaki: Comforted Shiki in the past and gave him his special glasses.

Satsuki Yumizuka: A classmate with a crush on Shiki.

Rivals

Shiki: The real Shiki Tohno, filled with murderous rage at being passed over as a main character.

Fashion Police: Amy

The fourth and final member of the Burst Angel team, Amy’s outfit doesn’t seem too troublesome at a distance, however by zooming in we can identify some problems, such as the inexplicably naked stomach and embarrassingly short skirt (and trust me, there’s even less fabric down there in the promotional and wallpaper artwork). Also, just why is the jacket so short, and what is that oversized blue thing hanging from the zip?

Fashion sense: D+

Amusing Search Terms

Old Favourites: “busou renkin + hentai”, HARD YAOI, you toube, yaoi hard, busou renkin doujinshi gallery

gay cicada: can cicadas be gay?

Motoko Aoyama hentai: ah, “classic” hentai.

get backers who does ginji love: Well, it’s obviously Ban, why else does he call him Ban-chan?

RPG Maker XP Farm Sim: There seems to be some demand for this.

gay sentai: Go, Gay Sentai!

hack perfect audition may new blog: May a new blog get that perfect audition.

BEYBLADE I SEE IT IN YOUR EYES [PART 13]: What exactly is this? I don’t remember any thirteen-parters.

animated lolicon: Nobue?

you toube tails hero: I’m almost glad you toube is back.

harvest moon rpg parody: Have you been here before?

rpgs with exp and gold: That’ll be most RPGs, then.

season 2 the fourth round rumble: Commence round four.

GINGA NAGAREBOSHI GIN RUN & JUMP GAME: Does this game actually exist?

play manga doll game: Something about this game just seems creepy and wrong.

Gantz RPG: the Gantz RPG gets through playable characters like nobody’s business.

haseo “part time job”: Yeah, I think I’ll take a part-time job as Haseo- I can get paid to stand around and angst.

gay raging hardon: Okay…

charades prompt cards: I also supply prompt cards for charades! Order them now.

anime rape: don’t Google your perverted tastes.

[1] May not actually be above Neo Venezia

Spoiler Alert: Death Note’s biggest twists shall be revealed.

It’s often said that cats and laptops don’t mix*, and here’s the reason why. Last year, my cat managed to get on top of the bookshelf and knock a heavy bronze bookend down onto my laptop, scratching the screen and denting the keyboard, whilst a few weeks ago, my aunt’s cat walked across the keyboard and managed to rip off three keys. Luckily the long-term damage from these incidents is less than you might think, but my poor J key may never be the same again- not a good key to act up when it’s also your first initial.

*may not actually be said often, or indeed at all.

A HARD GAY guide to Koutetsu Sangokushi

Need to know who’s who (and more importantly, who’s sleeping with who) in Koutetsu Sangokushi? Luckily for you, I have ‘translated’ the character guide on the Japanese site to provide you with all the juiciest gossip from the series- and if you find the embedded image too small to read, just click on it for a full size version.

Extracts from the BOOK of HARD GAY: Who to sleep with in Chevalier World

• D’Eon: A solid HARD GAY experience, but whilst his BI tendencies will excite the progressive factions, those who crave traditional HARD GAY may not be so pleased. Favours Sword.
• Robin: A Pistol user, somewhat inexperienced and confused about his sexuality. He can be powerful in the bedroom on occasion, but often lacks control and finesse. He works better as a backup in a group session than in a one-on-one situation, although he has recently been working on his Dagger.
• Durand: An accomplished lover who favours Sword in both HARD GAY and BI, Durand knows a variety of techniques and will even administer S&M if desired. Refuses to play the submissive role.
• Teillagory: His Sword may be a bit of an old antique these days, but what he lacks in stamina, Teillagory more than makes up for in experience and refined technique. Still able to handle many lovers even at his age (sometimes even whilst wearing a blindfold), Teillagory is a dependable choice for the learner.
• Robespierre: The undisputed master of both BI and HARD GAY, Robespierre has evolved to the point where he doesn’t even need the Sword in order to generate Pleasure. Lesser lovers run the risk of dying from his intense HARD GAY, but for those who can withstand it, he is the ultimate experience.
• Louis XV: Since he is getting on in years, Louis’ HARD GAY is not what it used to be, but when the King orders you into his bedroom, you can hardly refuse. Not a bad experience, just not an overwhelmingly good one either.
• The Dauphin: Although rather young and inexperienced to pique the interests of most, Auguste is a paid up member of the H.O.M.O. club. If you fancy teaching him the ins and outs of HARD GAY, or just want a submissive lover, he’s available for your pleasure.
• Broglie: Although he will readily offer Cane to anyone who asks, Broglie is to be avoided, even by the most desperate of men. Rumoured to suffer from several nasty STDs, a night with Broglie could cost you your health- or even your life.
• Giuseppe: He doesn’t really favour any give sort of HARD GAY, and is certainly nothing special on his own, but if you want a group session, he’ll make for a solid backup. Sleeping with him may also help you get closer to Robespierre.
• Voronzoff: Adept with a Sword and far more durable than you might expect, Voronzoff will take any amount of punishment in the bedroom with little complaint, but may well run away afterwards and prove hard to locate. Some say he still harbours dreams of STRAIGHT, but don’t bring that up if you wish to engage his services.
• George III: As King of England, his HARD GAY technique is polished and without fault. As with Louis, if he asks you to the bedroom, you’d better not refuse.
• Dashwood: Thanks to his age, he is an experienced master of intense Cane, and he can even offer a group session together with his underlings. Unfortunately, he puts so much energy into it that you may find he has physically aged after the session.
• Wood: Rather excitable in the bedroom, but otherwise pedestrian. He seems to prefer watching HARD GAY as opposed to actually taking part in it, but if you get a thrill out of that sort of thing, invite him along.
• Whitehead: Although he usually refuses to service anyone other than Dashwood, he can be persuaded to sample other lovers from time to time. He is silently efficient in bed, performing his duties without ever uttering a word.
• Sandwich: A Sword user who usually likes to bring generics along for a group session, Sandwich thinks a lot of his skills, but you may well find that he isn’t all he is cracked up to be. Nonetheless, he is able to take a lot of punishment without suffering any long-term ill effects.
• Orleans: A Cane user who also likes being given Sword, Orleans is a supporter of traditional HARD GAY, and will inflict S&M on anyone who professes to prefer BI. When he is dominant, he will not hesitate to be rough, but he will whimper and beg for mercy when playing the submissive.
• Peter: A bully, Peter is brutal towards anyone with a Liang smaller than his, but can easily be beaten into submission by a firm lover. He has a mortal fear of bondage games, and will do anything to avoid them.
• Bestuzhev: A middle-aged lover of dubious skill, he is extremely misogynistic and xenophobic, and so will only climb into bed with sturdy Russian men.

La Corda d’Oro 10

Tsuchiura reveals his secret BI inclinations.

“If he does, I must pursue HARD GAY with him.”

“His mother is the one who turns me on!”

“You said we would have HARD GAY!”

“Okay, okay…maybe later.”

“What’s HARD GAY?”

“I’ll tell you another time.”

“He’s messing up my HARD GAY schedule!”

“His Liang is so Zhuge that he never misses an opportunity to show it off.”

“Were you having HARD GAY with someone else?”

Short parody: This Ugly Yet Beautiful World part I

Takeru finds a girl-Hikari- in the forest.

Takeru: Wow, this is my ideal girl- and she’s naked and waiting for me! It’s like I’m the main character of an anime or something.

Monsters start randomly attacking.

(Monster: Gwakaka, I am an unused design from Eva! Fear my pointlessness!)

Takeru: Wow, I can suddenly turn into a monster for no reason! Go, Destined Powers!

Takeru defeats the monster and takes Hikari home. He tells his friends all about what happened.

Takeru: So anyway, I found this girl lying naked in the forest, but then a monster randomly attacked and I transformed and fought it.

Friend 1: Sounds plausible to me.

Friend 2: Yep, nothing outlandish there.

To be continued…or not, depending on my level of inspiration after watching episodes 6-12.

This Week in Anime

Apples are spotted in Fafner.

One unlucky candidate gets peeled.

I’m not sure what these are meant to be.

Peaches repel evil, in case you didn’t know.

Soutetsu is confident that he need not fear satsumas, although full oranges are another matter.

HARD GAY corner: Death Note
Due to his lack of HARD GAY partner, Light Yagami always felt bored at school, so much so that he occupied himself by killing off STRAIGHT people with his Death Note. In time, however, Light drew the attention of the great detective L, and the pair began a HARD GAY relationship after L spent time stalking Light and watching him on camera. Nonetheless, the good times couldn’t last, and even as Light was persuaded to try BI by the persistent Misa, L clung stubbornly to the old ways of HARD GAY, even trying to tempt both Light and Misa to his side with a confinement bondage session. Unfortunately, even when Light seemed to finally have come around to preferring L’s techniques, he reverted to BI in the middle of a session, killing an unprepared L with the intensity of his new passion.

Years later, and the arrogant Light now believes that Hyper Self Pleasure is superior to anything a mere partner could offer him. HARD GAY supporter Near attempts to persuade him otherwise, but his efforts seem fruitless- until he manages an explosive burst of HARD GAY with partner Mello that surpasses any Pleasure Light has ever experienced. Although Mello dies in the process, Light becomes so obsessed with topping that Pleasure experience that he even asks shinigami Ryuk for HARD GAY, only to die when he cannot take the pace.

OST Spotlight: Xenogears
Yasunori Mitsuda lends his not-inconsiderable skills to another worthy soundtrack, and whilst this one may not have the impact of Chrono Cross and Xenosaga, it somehow encapsulates everything you want and expect from an RPG soundtrack. There are energetic battle tracks, gentle village themes, and hints of the best styles used in other games- all together, an interesting package for game music and Mitsuda fans.

Notable tracks: Bonds of Sea and Fire, Emotions, Forest of the Black Moon, Fuse+, Leftovers of the Dreams of the Stars, Invasion, The Blue Traveller, Omen, Awakening.

Licensing Reactions

• Jigoku Shoujo (Funimation): Ah yes, Jigoku Shoujo, the series about many complex issues such as revenge, revenge…and even a spot of revenge. Whilst the original concept seemed promise, Jigoku lost everything in the execution and became a boring rehash of the same thing week after week. I wouldn’t even watch it all for free, so there’s no chance of my buying it on DVD.
• Zegapain (Bandai): There is a very good reason why ‘pain’ is in the title of this anime, and that is because it is a painful mecha series that adds nothing to the genre. Not something I intend to ever approach again.

I decided this week’s mini-editorial needed its own post, so the feature will return next week.

Harem of the Week: Tenchi Masaki- Tenchi Muyo!
One of the original kings of harem, Tenchi was a seemingly unremarkable high school student, but nonetheless beautiful alien women were the order of the day at his house.

Harem

Ryoko: The seductive, rowdy and forward space pirate who wants Tenchi for her own. A prime contender for his love in every series.

Ayeka: The high class alien princess who hides her aggressive and single-minded attitude behind a façade of sweet innocence. The second chief rival for Tenchi’s love.

Washu: The eccentric yet undoubtedly brilliant scientist who lives in a lab in the broom cupboard. In the OVA she asks Tenchi to father her children and even collects sperm samples.

Sasami: The young looking (if not chronologically) princess and loli of the group. As well as being the sweet, responsible and considerate one, she is good at cooking and general housework, and shares a quiet relationship with Tenchi.

Mihoshi: The ditzy galaxy police officer, she always seems to end up in Tenchi’s arms in the OVA, even though she seems more devoted to Kiyone in the TV series.

Kiyone: Mihoshi’s long-suffering partner, the sensible one who seems to have quiet feelings for Tenchi.

Noike: Former galaxy police officer and adopted daughter of Lady Seto, pretends to be Tenchi’s fiancée for plot reasons but later seems to develop actual feelings for him. Surprisingly efficient and good around the house.

Mayuka: Tenchi’s ‘daughter’, artificially created from the DNA of Tenchi and the demon Yuzuha in the second movie. Programmed to have unnaturally strong feelings for Tenchi.

Haruna: A former lover of Yosho’s in the third movie, ensnares Tenchi in a virtual world where she is his lover.

Rivals

Hotsuma: Briefly becomes Ryoko’s lover in the second TV series.

Seiryo Tennan: Ayeka’s betrothed in the OVA, loses face after being defeated by Tenchi in a duel.

Misao: Mihoshi’s brother- tries to rescue his sister from Tenchi’s clutches after mistakenly believing she is being held hostage in his harem.

Fashion police: Tsume

Even if we ignore the odd body proportions in this production art, Tsume still has some issues to answer for in the fashion department. In his attempt to be the ‘Hard Man’ of the series, he seems to have misplaced some fabric, lead to unsightly exposire of waist, shoulders and chest. His only redeeming quality is that this is not his true appearance.

Fashion sense: C+

Amusing Search Terms

Old favourites: bouncing breasts, PORN TOUBE, you toube, hack audition

Mai Hime Thong: Get your Mai-HiME themed thongs here! Shizuru and Natsuki versions available!

gay dragonball z: Soon to become an old favourite.

nimya meaning name: it does?

hair dye anime episode: Was that the one that aired after the Summer Days episode?

. hack haseo loves: His grunty.

“tsubasa chronicle episode 53″: It doesn’t exist, thank god.

Breeding busou renkin doujinshi: This scares me- breeding what?

the first time humans went on the moon w: Join me soon for my new history of space exploration features.

yuri bondage: Hitohira could be heading that way.

anime flame archaeologist: There’s a Flame Alchemist.

delivering eggs in harvest moon: Pick them up, and give them to people.

Le Chevalier D’Eon bi: I can see you have learned the ways of Chevalier.