THE HITS

RahXephon

From the start, RahXephon was accused of being a poor man’s Evangelion (who hasn’t seen the obligatory “Eva vs. RahXephon” thread on numerous anime forums?), but despite the superficial similarities, anyone who made it at least halfway through the series had to admit that there were plenty of differences as well. Although it was perhaps a little confusing and convoluted in its attempts to mix high-concept sci-fi with an extensive cast, RahXephon remains one of those series that keeps you glued to the screen even during those points where you aren’t entirely clear what’s going on. Even the recap movie redeemed itself by adding some new footage and putting a fresh spin on this tale of mecha, romance, time warps and aliens.
Memorable moment: the flashback episode with the mud doll.

Wolf’s Rain

Before watching Wolf’s Rain, I have to admit that I wasn’t sure if I’d like it- after all, thirty episodes of “is it Paradise?”, “Well, it’s not the end of the series yet, so it can’t be” did not sound too enthralling. Fortunately, I couldn’t resist the DVD volume one plus artbox, CD and plushie combination, and once I actually got to see the series for myself, I was hooked. I’ll admit that from an objective viewpoint it isn’t perfect (I’m not going to get into those four recap episodes), but nonetheless when watching it, I’m utterly drawn in by this compelling and sometimes heart-wrenching tale. It’s one of the few series that just leaves grinning stupidly at the screen because I’m enjoying it so much.
Memorable moment: The weakened ‘Grandpa’ being hitched to a sled.

Scrapped Princess
Even though my true hope was for a pure fantasy series rather than one with the almost inevitable sci-fi elements, Scrapped Princess was still an enjoyable experience. With its likable cast, nice character designs and solid story, it may not live up to its full potential, but it is still very good.
Memorable moment: Raquel unleashing her magic.

Fullmetal Alchemist
Here is where I have to make a confession- even though I do feel that FMA is a good series, I’m just not inclined to as wholeheartedly sing its praises as practically everyone else. Discounting its slow start, the bulk of the series is solid enough, but it suffers from one major failing- a tendency to poorly mix the flippant and the serious. All too often the series would present some dramatic revelation that should have tugged at the heartstrings, only to ruin the moment by veering off into comedy; if not for this unfortunate tendency, I would rate it much more highly.
Memorable moment: Realising the origin of the Chimera in episode eight.

Kurau Phantom Memory

An unfairly neglected series that wallowed in ADV licensing limbo for over two years before finally being scheduled for release this April, Kurau has inevitably been overlooked by many through no fault of its own. The ultimate evolution of animated sci-fi, Kurau takes everything that was good about Texhnolyze, Zettai Shounen and Stand Alone Complex, and makes it even better; it may look like a simple story about two girls running away from evil researchers, but give it a chance and it will prove to be much more.
Memorable moment: The fate of the unpaired Rynax in episode sixteen.

Ouran High School Host Club

Having proven itself largely adept at more serious material, BONES ventured into comedy in 2006, with the animated version of a ‘reverse harem’ style series about a poor girl attending a school of wealthy student. Although it did sometimes skirt the realms of the tediously repetitive and over-the-top, Ouran’s sheer enthusiasm carried it through even the weaker moments and ensured that the bulk of the series was nothing less than entertaining.
Memorable moment: The carriage chase in the finale.

NEUTRALS

Angelic Layer

CLAMP’s venture into the shounen action formula was interesting if a little too fast-paced for its own good in manga form, but when it came to turning it into an anime, the producers took it a little too far in the other direction. By the time five volumes had been stretched across twenty-six episodes, even additional content and character development couldn’t disguise the fact that the pacing was now irritatingly slow in places. With this in mind, even the refreshing reliance on female characters and a lack of the more annoying shounen clichés could make Angelic Layer entirely successful.

THE MISSES

Jyu Oh Sei
Although the lush jungle setting briefly made it look promising, Jyu Oh Sei ended up going from weakness to weakness with each passing episode. At first, it was merely a generic and mediocre tale with dislikeable characters and a predictable plot, but unfortunately, worse was in store once the finale rolled around. A painful mixture of pointless plot revelations and cliché action elements, the conclusion was so poor that it not only left a bitter taste in the mouth, but it made the bulk of the series look as excellent as Mushishi in comparison.

Ayakashi Ayashi
To be fair, I only watched one episode of this, so maybe it does improve later on, but after experiencing twenty-five minutes of all-male bathhouse scenes, incomprehensible plot and giant monsters that looked disturbingly like penises, there seemed little point in continuing.

Final Thoughts
Even on closer inspection, BONES seems worthy of their reputation, but as with most things, they are far from infallible. Given what they’ve already delivered, it isn’t unreasonable to have high expectations for their upcoming works, but it would still be unwise to expect every single thing they produce to hit the mark.

I can now exclusively reveal that the reason my blog is so HARD GAY is because I have Lui chained up in my basement.

As the days became depressingly short and winter tightened its grip upon the land, I had the great idea of summarising all the 2006 series I watched in one great ‘Annual Round-Up’; hardly an original idea since everyone likes to do it, but nonetheless a course I became determined to take. Little did I realise that such an innocent decision would lead to a massive fifteen page document that took over a month to compile; in fact, if I had any sense, I would take the lazy route of posting this over several days in order to avoid having to write anything else for a week or so. Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately, depending on your perspective), I’d rather just include it all in one guide so that I can get on with writing newer and more interesting things to spice up the inevitably dull and grey January.

I shall also take this opportunity to thank necromancer, whose screencaps made many parody posts and Tuesday Rumble sections possible, as well as my blogging ‘sempai’, who can identify himself if he wishes.

For once, red is not for generally poor series, just for the ones I dropped before the end of their run (mostly because they were generally poor). Series in blue are my top picks for the year. Links lead to earlier reviews, rants and parodies of the series in question.

STILL RUNNING FROM 2005
I’m only including series I was still watching in the New Year; several others had long since been dropped by this point.

Ginga Densetsu Weed
A bloodier canine version of a shounen action series, Ginga Densetsu Weed follows the adventures of young dog Weed as he recruits allies to fight evil dog Hougen. It ranges from dull and predictable to laughable and predictable, but the parody potential and novelty of having dogs as the main characters conspired to keep me watching this right through to the end.

Final words: It’s not good to be a generic brown dog; you always get killed.

Jigoku Shoujo
When it first started, Jigoku seemed like a compelling series, the tale of people driven to such extremes that they would accept eternal damnation in order to remove their tormenters. Unfortunately, it all became a little ridiculous and far too repetitive after about four episodes- not only did the basic concept of each episode lose a lot in the execution, but there are only so many times you can watch tales of revenge before getting thoroughly bored.

Final words: Revenge is a dish best served sparingly.

Karin
Karin is a strange series; it’s too tasteless and generic to even be mediocre, but at the same time it feels like it could be good- only I can’t really quantify just what is needed to make it better. The tale of a ‘blood-making’ vampire and her slow romance with a human boy could at least have made for light entertainment, but the inclusion of irritating supporting characters and the gimmick of having blood spurt out of Karin’s nose with alarming regularity are more than a little off-putting.

Final words: No, just no.

Mai-Otome

It’s hard to believe, but there was a time when I thought Mai-Otome was actually going somewhere; an illusion that was soon dispelled as the series moved into its closing episodes. Despite the numerous flaws of this series, it somehow remains memorable, burned into the brain by hype, wasted potential and the presence of fat grey cat Mikoto.

Final words: Fat cats may improve a series, but even their furry bulk cannot compensate for a lack of plot.

Mushishi
Although I took my time starting on Mushishi, I’m glad I finally got around to watching it, since it turned out to be one of the better series of recent times. An absorbing and atmospheric folk tale-eqsue collection of stories featuring the laid-back Ginko and the myriad strange phenomena he encounters, Mushishi is recommended viewing for anyone with even a passing enjoyment of fantasy, drama and slice-of-life.

Final words: If your memory is bad, blame it on the mushi.

Noein
When it first swept onto our screens, Noein seemed to be the sci-fi series that we had all been waiting for- a mixture of complex storyline, grandiose action scenes and alternate worlds that would surely only improve as it went on…or would it? Unfortunately, the studio was so busy spending money on CG house shots that it forgot that the series actually needed a proper plot (not to mention decent animation), and so by the end, Noein became little more than a pretentious but ultimately empty series that never lived up to its early promise.

Final words: The quantum mechanics of Noein is not clever- if you want clever, then come to some theoretical physics lectures.

Rozen Maiden Traumend
Given the excellence of the first series, another season of Rozen Maiden was highly anticipated, but somehow it just couldn’t live up to what had come before. Rearranging and diverging from the manga material led to some continuity issues with the first season, whilst the plot itself had numerous pacing problems. Despite promising that the battle royale Alice Game would be getting underway right from the start, it took nine episodes to get down to business, after which the writers chickened out of going the whole way so that things could be left open for a third season. Even the new characters introduced in this season were less than inspiring, although overall the series was not a bad experience, just one that did not live up to expectations.

Final words: If you thought dolls were scary before, wait until you watch this.

Shakugan no Shana

A tale of swords and sorcery mixed with high school romance and comedy, Shana proved to be a solid enough source of light entertainment, but unfortunately turned out to be lacking beyond that. Disappointing villains and a story that proved to be flawed on close inspection ultimately prevented the Shana from reaching the heights it initially promised- whilst by no means a bad series, it was certainly in need of improvement in key areas.

Final words: urusei, urusei, urusei!

WINTER 2005/6

Ayakashi
A collection of three separate folk tales collected across eleven episodes, Ayakashi promised period horror, but in the end, it brought only contemporary boredom. What would have been perfectly enjoyable as a three episode OVA became drawn out and monotonous in TV series form, so much so that watching it was something of a struggle.

Final words: Rap OPs never work- no really, they don’t.

Binchou-tan
Having convinced myself that Binchou-tan would be sickeningly cute, I avoided watching it for a while, only to predictably regret that when it turned out to be far better than I had imagined. A series that really does embody ‘simple and sweet’ Binchou-tan is a delightful slice-of-life tale that really needs more episodes.

Final words: Unexpectedly worthy.

Ergo Proxy
To be fair, I only watched a single episode of Ergo Proxy, but I never could bring myself to continue with it. Despite the echoes of Texhnolyze, the fact I neither knew nor cared what was going on in the first episode was not much of an incentive to continue- the animation may have been slick, but that could hardly make up for the lack of comprehensibility.

Final words: When people say ‘hard sci-fi’ they must mean pretentious, nonsensical crap.

Fate/Stay Night

Admit it, you want a Caster figure too.

There was a time when Fate seemed filled with potential; yes, it had a spiky-haired hero, but it also had the incredibly worthy Rin, not to mention the prospect of a hard fought battle of wits and strength between legendary heroes and their Masters. Unfortunately, Fate never lived up to its promise, instead turning out to be a combination of insipid characters, flimsy story, and Shirou’s harem exploits.

Final words: I will make ‘True Fate’ one day.

Hanbun no Tsuki ga Noboru Sora
A short and sweet hospital-based tale of drama and romance, HanTsuki was an almost overlooked series that turned out to be a hidden gem. Within its six episodes, the series managed to weave a tale that was bittersweet, heart-warming and entirely worthy.

Final words: Natsumi is evil.

Meine Liebe Wieder
Despite promising something in the way of a plot this time, the second season of Meine Liebe turned out to be an inferior rehash of the first, featuring increased angst, more HARD GAY, additional characters and Beruze’s latest puppet duke attempting to take the throne of Kuchen. It wasn’t bad, but it could have been so much more.

Final words: Ludwig-sama is an A-ranked bishie.

REC
An oddly addictive series about the romance between a voice actress and a salaryman, REC is enjoyable while it lasts, but is over all too quickly. In retrospect, it was perhaps a bit too angst-filled, but it made for an entertaining experience while it lasted.

Final words: Umai-ki!

Shinigami no Ballad

Yet another brief series, this time about a pure white shinigami and the people she meets, SnB was filled with character pieces, but was oddly short on death. Whilst it never really had the impact that it could have done, SnB was an enjoyable series that didn’t overstay its welcome.

Final words: The RPG episode was the best one, but the series overall gains points for the winged talking cat.

Pale Cocoon
Having been told that Pale Cocoon was somewhat incomprehensible, I went into it expecting not to understand anything, only to be pleasantly surprised at how much I could actually grasp (of course, the accompanying pdf file helped). A brief yet worthy glimpse into the far future, Pale Cocoon may be short on explanations, but is nonetheless a worthy snapshot of a distant era.

Final words: Watch it now, it won’t take long.

Hellsing Ultimate
It was the event that all Hellsing fans had been waiting for- a more accurate adaptation of the manga material that would surely blow them all away. Unfortunately, having realised that I really didn’t like Hellsing all that much, this wasn’t something I was inclined to keep following.

Final words: When are we going to get a good vampire show?

SPRING 2006

.hack//Roots
Hard as it is to believe now, I was actually looking forward to .hack//Roots- I was in the middle of my Item Completion obsession phase, and somehow I convinced myself that it would be a series that married the addictive qualities of SIGN with the action and faster pace of Legend of the Twilight. After several episodes of deluding myself, however, I came to realise that Roots was not so much a case of a train wreck as of the train simply not leaving the station in the first place. Characters came and went, but the plot never arrived- in the end, it was just too boring for me to watch anymore.

Final words: The origin of the screencap parody format.

Ah! My Goddess: Sorezore no Tsubasa
I’ve said it on more than one occasion, but a second season was just too much for the Ah! My Goddess- how much can you actually squeeze out of a harem story about a regular guy living with goddesses? Admittedly, it did seem like a bit of harmless light entertainment for the first few episodes, but it soon fell into the realms of the utterly boring, especially when Peorth arrived.

Final words: Sometimes, less is more.

Air Gear
I have to admit that Oh Great’s artwork is good, but since I’m not particularly interested in nipple shots, ridiculously oversized breasts or Bob Makihara’s penis, the actual content of his manga does very little for me. An unholy fusion of Tenjho Tenge, Ikki Tousen, Beyblade and Shaman King, Air Gear is the tale of spiky-haired Ikki, his buxom companions, and the rollerblading sport of Air Trak- or to put it more succinctly, it’s complete dross. No matter how much curiosity compels you to watch this, take my advice and give it a wide berth.

Final words: With breasts like that, those girls must get backache.

Aria the Natural

The first season of Aria was excellent, but Natural goes one better by doubling the episode count and giving us a full 26 episodes of sweet and heart-warming gondola life on the planet of Aqua. From the beautiful setting to eponymous fat cat President Aria, everything about the series is right on the money in terms of creating a simple yet absorbing world. Bring on season three.

Final words: Punyu!

Disgaea
Since RPG-based series are rarely worth watching, I wasn’t really planning to investigate Disgaea- at least until I watched the trailer. An ironically hilarious take on the RPG world, Disgaea’s trailer promised much, but the actual series itself delivered all too little. As it turned out, the reason the trailer was so good was because the entire series budget had been spent on it- meaning that the episodes themselves were poorly animated cyclical repeats of the same tired and worn jokes.

Final words: Pizza in the face? Excuse me while I try to force a laugh…oh wait, I can’t.

Full Metal Panic: The Second Raid Tessa OVA
Much as I like Tessa, this OVA didn’t really do much for me; aside from a select handful which hit the mark, most of the jokes fell completely flat. It’s something you watch for completion rather than enjoyment.

Final words: Dull, dull, dull.

The Gargoyle of the Yoshinagas
The tale of the Yoshinaga family’s animated stone guardian, Gargoyle may seem like a kid’s show at first glance, but it is nonetheless a highly entertaining story. In Gargoyle’s hands, everything from battles between stone monsters to talking to flowers takes on a new vitality. It’s funny, off-kilter, and eminently worthy.

Final words: All hail Gar-san.

Gintama
I only watched the first twenty-five minutes of Gintama, but what I saw didn’t really click with me. Apparently it’s meant to be a tongue-in-cheek approach to Shounen Jump, but I just couldn’t force myself to pay attention to it.

Final words: I liked that large white animal, but nothing else drew me in.

Good Witch of the West – Astraea Testament
When it first started, Good Witch seemed to be the fantasy series we had all been waiting for; a fairytale of intrigue and romance set in a magical kingdom. Unfortunately, within the space of a few episodes, Good Witch had become so bogged down with different plotlines that it was difficult to tell where it was supposed to be going. After continuing in this manner all the way to the end, Good Witch left viewers with plenty of story threads, but not much in the way of coherence- maybe the manga is better, but I’m not about to risk wasting money on it.

Final thoughts: It’s the sample book of plot directions.

Higurashi no Naku Koro ni
It may have started as a tense psychological horror, but after the first few episodes Higurashi’s main draw was its sheer gore factor. A somewhat inconsistent series that mixed moments with greatness with more pedestrian sections, Higurashi may have only covered six of the eight game arcs, but spoilers revealed that the solution to the mystery was too obvious to be satisfying.

Final words: “It wasn’t me, I am not evil or suspicious at all.”

Hime-sama Goyoujin
Truth be told, I shouldn’t really be writing about Hime-sama- I only saw about eight minutes of the first episode, and I had so little clue as to what was going on that I couldn’t bring myself to watch anymore.

Final words: Utterly confusing.

Jyu-oh-sei
One of a rare few series which I picked up months after dropping it, Jyu-oh-sei made good parody material, but had little worth as far as entertainment went. The bulk of the series, which saw cycle-wear model Thor stranded on jungle planet Chimera, was average and predictable, but was nonetheless sheer excellence when compared to the laughably ridiculous ending. A rushed story with a nonsensical ending- if I hadn’t wanted to parody it, I would never have watched past episode four.

Final words: If you want to attain at least a shred of credibility, magical DNA is not the way to go.

Kamisama Kazoku

At first glance, Kamisama Kazoku looked to be the spiritual successor of Kamichu- a sweet and simple series about a youthful god. In fact, to borrow a phrase from a lecturer of mine, Kamisama was a very different animal- a series that ranged from juvenile to infantile in its fanservice laden lack of hilarity. After struggling all the way to the third story arc by virtue of the show’s worthiest character- Tenko- I realised that I simply could not take anymore and crumbled a mere four episodes before the end.

Final words: Look, Mama is naked in an apron!

Keroro Gunso: the Movie
Series-based anime movies are as formulaic as they come, and unfortunately the Keroro movie is no exception. There are a few entertaining moments, but not really enough to justify spending an hour of your life watching a story that has been done a thousand times before.

Final words: Giant Keroro is the worthiest aspect of this movie.

Kiba
Like Tokyo Underground, Kiba is one of those series that just seems like an inferior amalgam of numerous other series- there’s industrial word, pastoral world, summoning of destined monsters, and numerous other ideas that have been done better many times before. Roia was truly the only worthy aspect of this seemingly never-ending series- in fact, is anyone even watching it anymore?

Final words: Series and games ripped off by Kiba include Tokyo Underground, Ergo Proxy, .hack, Yu-Gi-Oh!, YuYu Hakusho, Dragonball Z, Pokemon, Hunter X Hunter Greed Island OVA, Mai-HiME, Dynasty Warriors and Suikoden.

Love GetChu!
Due to slow subbing, I have only watched four episodes of this series so far, but it has already proven itself a worthy source of light entertainment. The tale of a group of young girls trying to become voice actors, Love GetChu! does exactly what Kiba failed to achieve- it takes ideas used in earlier series, and combines them into a worthy whole. There’s a ditzy lead, standard personalities, a Maison Ikkoku style apartment and a hint of romance, but somehow it all comes together to make something enjoyable rather than tiresome.

Final words: Please sub more, or I’ll have to start on the raws.

The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya
Once an obscure series of novels, Haruhi catapulted to fame after its first episode captured the fandom, but as the series progressed, opinions became divided. Although there now exists a small but vocal “yay Haruhi great lol” group, still others (myself included) concluded the series with a more sceptical view on the whole franchise. The characters were insipid, the stories were disappointing and not at all helped by being aired in a random, non-chronological order, and the humour had all but dried up after episode three. It may have gained cult status, but I can’t help wondering why.

Final words: I did actually like the fourth novel.

Nana
The tale of two very different girls both named Nana, Nana was an interesting shoujo drama in manga form, but unfortunately the transition to anime turned it into something far more dull and boring. With the bulk of the series’ focus falling on ‘Hachi’, the less interesting of the two Nanas, Nana failed to engage the attention, and was eventually indefinitely put to one side.

Final words: Less Hachi, more Nana.

Ouran High School Host Club

The delightfully over the top story of one poor girl and six rich guys running a host club at the prestigious Ouran High School, Ouran delivered standard jokes with such infectious enthusiasm that it was impossible not to laugh at them. A fewer weaker instalments and too many episodes focusing on twin brothers Hikaru and Kaoru prevent this from being a pick of the year, but it is certainly worth watching.

Final words: Kyouya is god.

Ray the Animation

Ray is another series I dropped after a single episode, but unfortunately it didn’t really seem to merit any more. As someone with various family members in the medical field, ridiculous conditions like tumours that retreat into the heart when operated on are a bit too much to swallow, and thus this medical-themed series was not fated to last long.

Final words: Monster remains the only decent medicine-related anime.

Saiunkoku Monogatari

At first glance, SaiMono looked to be yet another period series featuring a girl and her attendant bishies, but how wrong I was. SaiMono is leagues beyond the likes of Fushigi Yuugi in terms of quality- this isn’t a reverse harem romance, it is an absorbing tale of political intrigue in the fictional country of Saiunkoku, blended with the the story of Kou Shuurei, a young woman dedicated to improving her country through breaking precedent and becoming a government official. Every episode of SaiMono is like an addictive drug, leaving you desperate for your next fix.

Final words: I need more! More, more more!

School Rumble Nigakki
After thoroughly enjoying the first season of School Rumble, I was looking forward to the continued antics of Tenma, Yakumo, Eri and the rest, but unfortunately, Nigakki failed to deliver. With its crazier humour and lack of plot progression, Nigakki soon grew stale, especially when it meandered into the realms of filler during the latter half of the season.

Final words: Please, let it end.

Simoun
I was actually looking forward to Simoun before it aired, but upon actually watching the first episode, all my expectations for the series were shattered. A poor woman’s HARD YURI version of Last Exile, Simoun features ugly snail-like craft that are not only powered by the pilots getting out of the cockpit and kissing whilst in mid-air, but also have special abilities like drawing pretty lines on the sky. With no discernible plot whatsoever, the series had to be dropped.

Final words: HARD YURI power is an eco-friendly solution to dwindling supplies of fossil fuels.

Tsubasa Chronicle season 2
Whatever it was that made Tsubasa season one so enjoyable (and in retrospect, was it really all that enjoyable?) seemed to have vanished by season two, which devolved into a slow and dull mix of lacklustre adaptations and mediocre filler, all animated in Bee Train’s trademark “stills only” style. When each episode started featuring no fewer than three insipid insert songs, it was time to put the series to rest.

Final words: Go, you filler bus! Drive along that road, carrying your passengers!

Utawarerumono

It started as a pastoral fantasy, only to slowly reveal its flaws and turn into a harem series with ill-fitting sci-fi elements, but nonetheless, somehow Utawarerumono merited its own addiction phase. The series itself was lacking, but it led into the game, the mini-game, the parodies, and sparked many ideas simply due to the potential the setting contained. Not a pick of the year, but notable for being integral to the life of this blog- even now “gwakakaka” is still going strong.

Final words: Karura and Touka are all.

xxxHOLiC
I love the darkly stylish xxxHOLiC manga, but when the time came to turn it into an anime, something seemed to go terribly wrong. The high contrast art style became a washed out version of its former self, stories were slow and filled with dull exposition scenes, and the overall result was none too tantalising. I completed the series out of loyalty to the manga, but in retrospect I would have been better off not to do so.

Finally words: This could have been so much better.

Yume Tsukai
At first glance, I thought that the story of three dream masters would be a touching slice of life piece in the vein of Kokoro Library. At second glance, I awoke to the fact that this was not the case; instead, this was a poorly animated and poorly constructed series of tales in which one of the main characters has a fetish for underage girls. Shrine of the Morning Mist simply blows it out of the water.

Final words: It could have been good, but let’s face it, it wasn’t.

Zegapain
Sunrise, when will you learn that churning out endless mecha series doesn’t necessarily mean that any of them will actually be worth watching? Apparently Zegapain improves later on, but the starving man’s Aquarion vibe given off by the first couple of episodes (not to mention the unnecessary nudity) was enough to ensure that I never actually reached those episodes.

Final words: The apples that appeared in episode one were the best characters.

SUMMER 2006

Binbou Shimai Monogatari
The evening before watching the first episode of Binbou, I read sixteen chapters of the manga, almost all of which began with a variation on “Mother died; Father ran up gambling debts and disappeared.” In case you hadn’t guessed, that is the setting for this anime about two sisters living in poverty, which is perhaps the most lifeless and half-hearted slice-of-life series that I’ve encountered. An angst-filled example of how poor the genre can be, Binbou went through the motions, but achieved nothing more.

Final words: I don’t know if you’ve heard this before, but Mother died and Father ran up debts and disappeared.

Bokura ga Ita
One of the first ever series to feature in my Weekly Round-Up, Bokura ga Ita’s tenure in my viewing schedule was nothing if not brief. A poor man’s version of Kare Kano, Bokura ga Ita featured all the angst and drama, but completely neglected the elements that would have made the series enjoyable. After struggling through a dull episode populated by dislikeable leads and a Nagato Yuki clone, I gave up on it.

Final words: Not my cup of angst.

Le Chevalier d’Eon

Despite treading perilously close to the realms of cheese, Chevalier consistently manages to deliver an absorbing historical fantasy despite its lack of much in the way of accuracy. The tale of d’Eon, a French knight who not only gets drawn into a shady underworld of magic and manipulation, but also ends up housing his sister’s soul, Chevalier’s only inconsistency in its animation, which starts well but soon goes downhill.

Chocotto Sister
Haruma has always wanted a little sister, and one Christmas, Santa delivers just that. Choco, as Haruma names her, is entirely devoted to her big brother, but unfortunately she is so completely lacking in life skills that she has to refer to a notebook. This could have been a passable slice-of-life series, but unfortunately it chose the route of excessive fanservice instead- when a series needs to use police tape as a censor, it is never a good sign.

Final words: What, you don’t like naked aprons?

Coyote Ragtime Show
Aside from its infamous turn as the “Great ANN Ad”, Coyote Ragtime Show is a series best forgotten- even the name serves a warning. A tale of MANLY men and gothlolis for every month of the year, Coyote Ragtime Show lacked anything even approximating worth; I went into it with low expectations and was still disappointed.

Final words: ADV licensed this? They think it’s good? Where is Kurau!?

FLAG
Years ago, when my supply of anime was less plentiful, Gasaraki happened to be one of the few series that I had access to. Despite appearing to be quite bland and boring on the surface, I forced myself to keep watching the series until I finally gained something of an appreciation for its intricate politics; with that in mind, I was determined to give FLAG- a similar series from the same creators- a fair chance. Unfortunately, once the novelty of having the story told through monitor stills and the lens of a camera wore off, FLAG proved to be a dull series with bland character designs and ugly mecha. I feel slightly guilty for not giving it as much of a chance as I did for Gasaraki, but then again, there’s more to watch these days.

Final words: Gritty realism with issues relevant to today’s society? Take it back, please, and come up with a phrase that’s less overused.

Hanoka
No matter how poor it was, I was confident I could sit through a series where each episode was only five minutes long, but as Hanoka went out of its way to demonstrate, that wasn’t the case. Animated in Flash, Hanoka looked like an amateur piece, complete with a generic storyline to accompany its unimpressive looks- in the end, it had to go.

Final words: Five minutes of boredom is five minutes too many.

Honey and Clover II
I loved the first season of Honey and Clover, and perhaps it was because of that that I was secretly sceptical about a second season; the last thing I wanted was for my high opinion of the series to be ruined, but unfortunately, that’s just what happened. Although it did indeed have its moments of excellence, H&C II lost points for focusing on minor character Kaoru before turning into some kind of “who gets Hagu?” dating sim (with added “Mayama the stalker”). Yes, I understand the deeper arguments behind the resolution and the characters’ choices, but it was simply handled too flippantly for me to enjoy it.

Final words: One word- disappointing.

Innocent Venus
Innocent Venus may have looked vaguely promising before it aired, but when it turned out to be a poor rehash of ideas from numerous different series (not to mention completely unable to retain the attention), the adventures of Jo, Sana and Jin had to be put aside. Thanks to this series, however, there are various unwelcome images that will forever be burned into my mind- the irritating pirate captain and his busty first mate; the Last Exile psycho killer team; blood pooling out of a man’s smashed faceplate and those ugly, ugly mecha. After the series finished airing, I did consider giving it another chance, but happily I think I’m over that phase.

Final words: I already posted this list way back when I was watching the series, but let’s refresh our memories as to the series IV ripped off- Last Exile, Wolf’s Rain, Kurau, Hunter X Hunter, Burst Angel, Mahou Shoujotai, Arc Twilight of the Spirits, Stand Alone Complex, Gasaraki, .hack//Roots.

Kemonozume
If appreciating Kenozume’s artwork is supposed to indicate some kind of superior taste, then I’m happy to call myself inferior; yes, technically it has its strengths, but on purely visceral grounds, I find it hideous. The tale of a clan of demon hunters, one of whom falls in love with demon, the relationship between Kemonozume and I was destined to be short from the moment they showed a man losing bowel control onscreen.

Final words: Sex and defecation- how mature.

Koi Suru Tenshi Angelique
With its nine brightly coloured bishies, Angelique was clearly never going to be marvellous, but I went into believing that it would at least offer up some light entertainment. Unfortunately, what I got was an insipid mess with even less plot than its sister series Haruka 8; unless watching a dull lead wandering around a castle and chatting to bishounen sounds exciting to you, be sure to avoid it.

Final words: It’s like a computer game in which you can’t ever leave the hub world and actually play a level.

Night Head Genesis

Featuring a pair of brothers pursued due to their unique psychic abilities, NHG had the potential to be a chilling and compelling series that would have been the spiritual successor to Kurau, but as it turns out, reality was far less kind. A barely comprehensible string of scenes that seemed to thinly disguise a HARD GAY propaganda piece, NHG become downright painful by its fourth episode, and was thus swiftly removed from the viewing schedule.

Final words: Give me Kurau and Christmas any day.

Otogi-jushi Akazukin TV
It was always abundantly clearer that Akazukin was aimed at a younger audience, but in the early days it nonetheless exuded a simplistic charm that was enough to keep it watchable. Unfortunately, as the series progressed with no hint of a plot outside of our fairytale-based heroes fighting magical monsters of the week, it all started becoming a little tedious. I haven’t actually dropped it yet, but I’m only a hair’s breadth away from doing so.

Final words: I hate those damned Sweet Phones.

Tsuyokiss
Tsuyokiss was one of those series I watched just because the name got stuck in my head after the “Great Tsundere Debate of 2006”. Unfortunately, after assembling a cast that was generic beyond belief, and throwing in some awful scenes about a drama club, it managed to drop into the red after just one episode. I had originally intended to watch a little more of the series, but when the subs dried up, so did what little enthusiasm I had for the series.

Final words: It may be Cool X Sweet, but it tastes more like Generic X Dull to me.

Welcome to the NHK
Just prior to watching the first episode of NHK, I finally started on the manga, and was instantly amused at its bleak comedy. As I well knew, however, Gonzo are not the best at adapting manga series into animated form, and indeed, no amount of optimism could disguise the fact that they messed up with NHK, somehow sucking out all the humour and turning it into a bland romance instead. Apparently the series improves in its second half, but I really didn’t have the will to keep watching past episode eleven.

Final words: Damn you, Gonzo, for messing up ultimate moe!

Zero no Tsukaima
Although the novels are quite entertaining, Zero no Tsukaima takes what could have been an interesting (dare I say Harry Potter-esque?) story about an Earth boy interacting with the students of a magical school and turns it into insipid, fanservice-ridden fluff. This was yet another series that I briefly toyed with picking up again, but when every cell in my body rebelled against it, I was forced to abandon that plan.

Final words: Guiche is no Tamaki.

AUTUMN 2006

Asatte no Houkou

Despite the fact that I have yet to watch the ending (which sounds quite bland from what I’ve read), I’ve tentatively given Asatte ‘Pick of the Year’ status for the ease in which it drew me into its world. It does have its flaws, but the series certainly deserves points for taking the age-old idea of having a child suddenly become an adult (and vice versa) and turning it into a compelling drama instead of playing it just for laughs.

Final words: The manga just sounds scary.

Bakumatsu Kikansetsu Irohanihoheto
The final title to earn ‘Pick of the Year’ status, Bakumatsu was not a series I could easily get into; trying to penetrate just exactly what was going in the first few episodes was pretty much beyond me. Over time, however, it began to exert an irresistible lure; from the beautiful OP and general atmosphere to the refreshing novelty of a series set in period Japan that isn’t an action or Shounen Jump title, there is much of worth here.

Final words: Like Chevalier, it takes the cheesy and transforms it into the highly worthy.

Bartender
When I first heard of a series about a bartender who helps his customers by finding their ‘destined drink’, I knew I had to watch it for the novelty alone- and I was secretly hoping that it was one of those series that sounded laughable but actually turned out to be worthy. As it turned out, Bartender was the kind of series that leads only to boredom, fidgeting and irritation- especially when you try to swallow the fact that a mere glass of a particular cocktail can radically change someone’s entire life.

Final words: I don’t even like alcohol, so I should have known I wouldn’t like this series.

Black Blood Brothers
“Oh dear” is all that can be said to the prospect of yet another series featuring a moody bishounen vampire and his unhelpful sidekicks fighting against generic evil vampires, and indeed, BBB had nothing to bring to an overworked franchise. By the third episode, it proved entirely impossible to concentrate on what was going on, and so the series had to be abandoned.

Final words: I played Go through much of episode three.

Busou Renkin

Upon learning that Busou Renkin was from the same creator as Kenshin, I was actually looking forward to it- little did I know that where Kenshin was solid and sound, BR was the dumping ground for all the mangaka’s strange and twisted ideas. A standard shounen series filled with everything from the terrifying (Papillon’s thong) to the bizarre (Moon Face), Busou Renkin is far from great, but I watch it partially for Tokiko and mostly for my parodies.

Final words: I pinned all my hopes on Moon Face, but his special technique is a big disappointment.

Code Geass- Lelouch of the Rebellion
The latest stage in the search for that elusive good mecha series, Code Geass turned out to be yet another product from the dango-addled minds at Sunrise. Despite boasting CLAMP character designs, Geass proved to be little more than Gundam Seed Destiny Remix, complete with Kira, Athrun, Lacus, Flay, Lunamaria and more (not to mention added rip-offs from various other sources). Had I known from the start that it was going to be fifty episodes, I wouldn’t have struggled with it for as long as I did.

Final words: How many times am I going to have to say that the cat was the best part of a particular series?

La Corda d’Oro

Despite my bad experiences with fellow Neoromance series Haruka and Angelique, Corda’s focus on music made it seem worthy and so it was duly tried. Despite the extreme predictability and the fact that giving the lead a magical violin amounts to little more than cheating, Corda is an enjoyable series which mixes brightly coloured bishies with an actual plot.

Final words: Behind every good natured lead are multiple bishounen backing her up.

D. Gray-man
Although there was a brief period in which D.Gray-man looked like it might be the one shounen action series I followed this season, this poor man’s FMA blew it early by killing off its most interesting character (unsurprisingly, a fat cat which I have named “Big Boss”). The series never really recovered from this loss, and by the third episode, it was clearly time to put it aside and focus on shounen series which could at least be parodied.

Final words: Why is it called D.Gray-man anyway?

Death Note
Despite my quibbles with the second half of the series, I did enjoy the Death Note manga, and therefore it might seem quite odd that I always seem so negative towards the anime. Unfortunately, the fact of the matter is that the battle of wits between Light, a student with a notebook that can kill people just by writing their name in it, and L, the detective appointed to stop him, is simply too exposition heavy to succeed in animated form. Excepting those laughably theatrical moments when Light and L seem to phase into a coloured ‘Justice Mode’, Madhouse have done the best job they can with the material, but this is really a series that needed to be told through straight prose, not animation.

Final words: Justice Mode, engage!

Ghost Hunt
In case you hadn’t already guessed, Ghost Hunt is about hunting ghosts…or at least, standing around and arguing over what to do about said ghosts. Featuring the by now familiar ‘eclectic bunch of heroes’, Ghost Hunt seemed to be nothing more than the autumn’s Ayakashi- a series that made mediocre stories even worse by playing them at 1/3 speed.

Final words: Generic by name, generic by nature.

Hataraki Man
When I first read about Hataraki Man, it sounded like it could easily become a pick of the season- what could be more enjoyable than the tale of an overworked journalist? Unfortunately, my hopes for a superior slice-of-life series were instantly shattered by the first episode, which portrayed the main character as just the sort of ‘I need a REAL MAN’ woman that I really dislike, and surrounded her with a group of dull and generic supporting characters. A single episode turned out to be more than enough.

Final words: It’s strikeout time for Moyoco Anno.

Kanon [2006]

Given how much I loved Air, I was expecting Kanon’s ‘sad girls in snow’ to elicit the same feelings of enjoyment, but unfortunately, after the first couple of episodes, it was clear that Kanon just wasn’t in the same lead. With an overly sarcastic lead whose main pastime seemed to be verbally abusing all the girls around him whilst they smiled and asked for more, Kanon proved that its main worth lay in parody.

Final words: Yuuichi is one of the foremost villains of the era.

Mai-Otome Zwei
Like the very dango that Sunrise subsists upon, Mai-Otome may not be good for the health, but an unhealthy fascination draws one back to it. The first episode of this OVA sees an evil Shadow Otome start petrifying and absorbing various main characters, whilst Queen Mashiro and Meister Arika’s bond is tested to the limit in preparation for the angst, forgiveness and destiny phases later on.

Final words: At least we got to see some fat cats.

Maria-sama ga Miteru OVA
I enjoyed the first two seasons of MariMite, but having been expecting this OVA since around March, I had pretty much lost enthusiasm by the time it finally rolled around. Episode one sees Yumi accompany Sachiko to her summer villa, only for her week of HARD YURI to be spoiled by general apathy and evil lesbians. The next episode looks like it will be better, but this one was far too standard to truly entertain.

Final words: Onee-sama!

Negima!?
Although the idea of a ten year old boy teaching a class of thirty-one junior high students was never really one that appealed to me, Negima is one of those big name titles that you have to try just to say you have. With my progress into the manga going slowly and my knowledge of the first anime season basically nonexistent, this new series seemed like an ideal place to start. Unfortunately, our relationship was never destined to be a long one- the animation may have been good, but the story left far too much to be desired. With too many insipid characters and a divergence from the very manga arcs I was interested in, Negima!? had to go.

Final words: That ferret is creepy.

Pumpkin Scissors
Gonzo series must always be watched in case they turn out to be the next Last Exile, but as Pumpkin Scissors demonstrated, most of them have no hope of ever entering the same league as Claus and Lavie’s tale. Another FMA-lite tale, this time with Blonde Heroine 10658 at its head, Pumpkin Scissors failed to inspire to such an extent that it was abandoned after the first episode. It will, however, be making a comeback in parody form.

Final words: The Pumpkin Scissors must cut through the pumpkin-esque layers of corruption like a pair of scissors. I’m not kidding.

Red Garden
Another Gonzo effort, Red Garden is effectively ‘Gantz with girls’, featuring four teenage girls who have been revived after their deaths in order to fight slavering men. Despite being drenched in angst, Red Garden looked to have an interesting mystery at its core, but with each passing revelation the truth behind it all becomes ever more laughable and ridiculous.

Final words: KEITO! KULAIR! ROSU! RACHERU!

Rozen Maiden Ouverture
Great visuals and average story were what I expected from Ouverture, and predictably, that is just what this two-part special delivered. The tale of Shinku first met Suigintou and turned her into the psychotic witch we know and love, any enjoyment Ouverture had to offer was simply overshadowed by the amount of plot holes in the Rozen Maiden story.

Final words: More explanations, less ‘wtf’, please.

Shounen Onmyouji
After a poorly subbed first episode, my time with Shounen Onmyouji seemed destined to be short, but fortunately Yoroshiku saw fight to pick up the series, and it was a given a second chance. As the title indicates, Shounen Onmyouji covers the adventures of youthful onmyouji Masahiro, grandson of Abe no Seimei. Together with his destined powers and sidekick Mokkun, Masahiro set out to battle evil foreign demons from the West, but can he prove himself worthy of being Seimei’s successor? A surprisingly fun series that is, if not gold, at least parody silver.

Final words: Imagine how good it could have been if Bishie-Seimei was the lead, and Guren wore proper clothes.

Tenpou Ibun Ayakashi Ayashi
Yet another in a long line of period series, Ayakashi Ayashi is about…well, I actually can’t recall what it was supposed to be about. The only images burned into my brain are those of a disturbingly HARD GAY male bathhouse scene and a fight between two monsters, one with a head shaped like a wang, and the other which looks like three wangs joined together. With that in mind, is it any wonder I chose not to watch past the first episode?

Final words: I should have known that a series with ‘Ayakashi’ in the title was to be avoided.

Tokimeki Memorial
As the doyen of all dating sims (not to mention the one that gets parodied most often), it seemed only right to watch Tokimeki’s long overdue anime incarnation. After just a single episode, however, all such feelings of duty had long since evaporated in the face of the fact that this series was completely and utterly crazy and random- and not in a good, Pani Poni Dash sense. Apart from the chick in the first episode, there seemed little to recommend this makeshift collection of scenes, and so it was quickly swept under the carpet.

Final words: I think I’ll stick with Ukidoki Memorial.

Yoake Mae Yori Ruriiro Na ~Crescent Love~
If you discount the sex scenes, H-game CGs always look good. Anyone got any from Jingai Makyo?

A series that I wanted to watch purely on the strength of some promo artwork, YoakeNa follows the romance between earth boy Tatsuya and Feena, princess of the Moon. Admittedly, it did start out as light fun, but as the weeks passed both the animation and story quality deteriorated to the point where each episode was more an excuse to take a nap than anything else.

Final words: I dislike the series, but I need that figure.

Looking Ahead to 2007
I had planned to try my hand at the obligatory ‘winter season preview’ post, but when I realised that my three paragraph effort would be a firefly as compared to the moon of Hung’s multi-part season preview posts, I quickly abandoned that idea in favour of putting a few words at the end here.

To be honest, the coming winter season doesn’t really look that exciting- do we really need more episodes of Angelique, FLAG and Kamisama Kazoku, much less a remake of Ikki Tousen? Despite the danger of not enjoying the most hyped series, I can’t help looking forward to trying the Ichigo Mashimaro OVA and ‘Corda but better’ Nodame Cantabile; I’m also slightly curious about Les Miserables, although fifty episodes of that does seem a bit much. The likes of ‘chibi-HiME’ Venus Versus Virus and anything dating sim or virtual girl based will most likely be avoided.

Looking further into the year, we have the disappointing news that Bokurano’s anime adaptation is being handled by ‘let’s mess up the story’ Gonzo, as well as a Spring debut for the third season of Nanoha, now with less loli. And regardless of whatever else there is to watch, there’s always more Otome Zwei and MariMite episodes- what fun…

Join me again on Tuesday for the New Year Rumble.

Indeed, as far as parody goes, Jyu-oh-sei is a veritable goldmine of material, but unfortunately, the very aspects that make it easy to make fun of also prevent it from having much in the way of entertainment value. The tale of twin cyclewear models brothers ripped from their sterile and futuristic life on the Juno colony and sent to prison planet Chimera somehow covers the entire spectrum of awfulness- from the laughably ridiculous to the downright dire, no type of mediocrity is neglected.

Spoiler Alert! The ending will be revealed…

Episodes 1-5: The Destined Hero
Every story needs a destined hero, but at the start, Jyu-oh-sei appeared to have two; what else could it do, then, than kill off Rai in his very first episode on Chimera? Poor Rai was so unimportant that he didn’t even get to return later as an enemy- all he could do was appear briefly in the OP.

Meanwhile, for Thor, events were to proceed more favourably. Protected by his main character status and a single beam knife, Thor was easily able to navigate the hazardous planet of Chimera and even defeat more experienced opponents when the plot called for it. Within the space of five episodes, he manages to recruit named allies, secure his own Ring (one of the four hierarchical settlements on the planet) and begin a quest to become Chimera’s Jyu Oh (Beast King). The Jyu Oh is the only one who can leave the planet, for when someone takes that position by defeating the other Ring leaders, the space elevator known as Dagger Pagoda magically knows to activate and let him go to Hecate, supposedly another prison planet- is it really worth the effort?

At Thor’s side are the obligatory supporting characters- Tiz, a girl who inexplicably wants to marry Thor after first catching sight of him, and Third, the manipulator of the series. Third is a man entirely devoted to the plot- through actions so blatant that the audience can see them a mile off even as the other characters fail to notice them, he makes sure that everything runs smoothly.

Unfortunately, Chimera is a world of contradictions and lack of explanations. For example, apparently men and women live separately, but where some Rings have a mixture of males and females as leaders, others seem to have separate hierarchies for male and female. Admittedly, Chimera is said to be short on females, but we only ever see about six women in the course of the show- surely there cannot be that few.

Worse yet, however, are the points which are introduced for the sole purpose of being forgotten by the next episode. In the first episode, we learn of the Wild Children who belong to no Ring, but aside from seeing their leader Zagi as a Ring leader later in the series, the actual Wild Children themselves are never referenced again. Equally pointless is the revelation that Thor has not had life-extension surgery and will only live to about twenty years of age- since we never see him reach this age, do we really need to know?

Episodes 6-9: It all turns HARD GAY
At the end of episode five, we see night finally come to Chimera and antagonist Zagi make his move against the Rings. We then skip ahead around five years or so whilst Zagi patiently waits for Thor to go through puberty- only then can he finally come forward and initiate the next arc. In order to provide a contrasting view, Zagi is interested in HARD GAY with Thor gaining independence for Chimera; he even goes so far as to attempt to alter the course of the series, although fortunately Third is there to get things back on track. In the end, Zagi must simply settle for being an inconsistent personality who switches between trying to use the leads for his own ends and accepting his place as an unimportant supporting character.

Thor, meanwhile, has issues far more important than the plot to attend to in this arc- having finally met Karin (a girl who briefly appears in the OP) he immediately falls in love with her. Unfortunately, being an OP character is no guarantee of immortality in this series, and Karin dies a scant two episodes later- just the impetus needed for Thor to defeat Zagi and become Jyu Oh. It’s almost as if someone wanted things to happen that way…which of course they did. Yes, it’s Third up to his old tricks again, but can you blame him when the series has too few episodes in which to digress?

Episodes 10-11: Call that a plot?
If the rest of the series was poor, it was nonetheless nowhere near the depths plumbed by the last two episodes, a mishmash of poorly thought out story ideas that ranged from the laughable to the perplexing. Thor has become Jyu Oh, and the time has come to leave the planet, but beyond the orbit of Chimera lies only reams of exposition and a conclusion so bad that even the series’ handful of fans could not defend it.

The future of humanity.
As hinted at earlier in the series, humanity is slowly dying out, with only Chimera proving to be a place where people actually have children without artificial intervention (perhaps a few sex education pamphlets elsewhere would have helped out). In the most convoluted of plans, therefore, anyone who became Jyu Oh was allowed to leave the planet in order to be frozen in cold storage; after all that, the genetic material of these promising human samples was somehow combined to create Thor, who as lead character just happens to be the destined saviour of the human race- in fact, stranding him on Chimera was all part of the great plan to test his worthiness.

Thor is not just a typical destined lead, however- his powers go beyond even that. Artificially implanted into a surrogate mother’s womb, he nonetheless managed to look like his ‘mother’ and ‘brother’, thanks to his ‘magical DNA’. Although it requires a not-inconsiderable stretch, I could just about live with this happening in the womb due to some kind of retrovirus, but any vague chance at credibility this plot element has is blown out of the water when adult Thor somehow ‘absorbs’ the physical characteristics of Tiz and Third after their deaths.

The ridiculousness does not end there- having gone to all this trouble to use Chimera as a breeding ground, final boss Odin and his obligatory scientist underling Dr Loki have created a system that will speed up the rotation of the planet, killing the inhabitants but apparently making it the perfect place for Thor’s descendants (it is unclear whether they will be clones or genuine offspring) to grow up in. Yes, the one planet that humanity has been able to prosper on is to be unrealistically altered by a special doomsday device created for the sole purpose of being deactivated by the main heroes.

Of course, you can’t have such a device and make it easy to switch on and off- instead, once activated, the device requires an entire episode of clichéd action elements in order to reach its central controls. Cue the final episode, a sequence of scenes surely ripped from any action film or role-playing game, in which our heroes battle successively harder enemies on their way to the control room, with lesser characters and generics sacrificing themselves so that Thor can complete the mission and escape. They aren’t entirely successful, but it hardly matters- somehow, the very plants of Chimera rise up and stop the relevant parts of the doomsday device from landing on the surface. Who needs to work when the plants will do it for you?

By this point, even Odin has had enough of the series- having decided that this whole final boss thing isn’t really for him, he inexplicably decides to scrap his life’s work in favour of letting the hero live in peace on Chimera.

Third, and final
On top of its basic story, Jyu-oh-sei’s finale seems determined to throw in some character deaths for no apparent reason whatsoever. Back on Chimera, Tiz takes a bullet to the shoulder after protecting Zagi from a random generic, only to fall down a crevasse and subsequently breathe her last (compare to Odin, who gets shot in the chest but acts as if he has barely been scratched). Pointless as Tiz’ death was, however, she was not alone- Third also meets his end in the final episode.

In case anyone hadn’t noticed how scheming and manipulative Third was, the final arc reveals him to be one of Odin’s agents who was specifically sent to Chimera to watch over Thor (this was supposed to be a test of Thor’s survival abilities, but there would have been no series if he actually had died). Third’s actions were motivated by his lifelong desire to see Earth, but upon learning that it had been destroyed 130 years ago, perhaps he just didn’t have the will to continue living. Either way, it’s hard for the audience to care about these facts when they are introduced so late in the story.

Final Thoughts
It may have only had eleven episodes to cover a series that spanned five manga volumes, but Jyu-oh-sei does an exceptionally poor job of telling its story. From its average beginning to its completely ridiculous ending, there is little to recommend this series- save yourself the pain and watch something else instead.

Last time on Jyu-oh-sei: The plot was revealed to be completely ridiculous, Odin explained his desire to become a final boss with unlimited HARD GAY partners, and certain characters switched sides for no apparent reason.

And now the conclusion…

Thor, Third, Loki and the generics prepare to enter part one of the final boss dungeon on Hecate.

Loki: It looks like Valkyrie has locked down the Ion II research centre and turned it into a special boss dungeon just for us.

(Thor: Thank god I brought all these expendable generics along.)

Thor: All right, let’s enter the facility. I’ll stand here at the back whilst the generics risk themselves by going first.

Begin Level One: Plant Panic!

Thor’s team enters the facility, only to be confronted by an overgrowth of plants from Chimera. Some generics rush ahead and get eaten by the killer plants.

Thor: Stay back! I can’t afford to lose all my generics on the first level!

Third: Equip Flamethrower!

Third burns the plants so that the party can proceed, but another generic is eaten by a Verasona.

Thor: Leave this to me, my Anti-Verasona level is high. Item Use- Grenade!

Thor lures the Verasona out with a grenade.

Thor: Now for some impressive manly antics! Third, cover me!

Third: You know, now that we all know my name, I wish people would start using it.

Thor: You can’t expect me to change my ways just for the last episode.

Thor shoots the Verasona bulb, killing it.

Thor: This must have been the boss enemy, so that means we’ve cleared level one.

Third: Don’t get complacent; there’s more to come.

The team moves on.

Level One Clear! Begin Level Two: Beast King Brawler!

On the next level, the generic Jyu Ohs are unfrozen and sent to attack the party with intense HARD GAY.

Generic: AAGH! The HARD GAY is too much for me to take!

Third: Thor, ‘shooting’ these naked men could take a while- why don’t you and the professor go on ahead?

Thor: You’re right- we can’t afford to waste time on the last episode.

Thor and Loki move on to the Jyu Oh storage room. Despite having bothered to stay behind, Third and the remaining generics finish up quickly enough to be right behind them.

Loki: Oh no, this is an infinite enemies level!

Thor: In that case, we’ll just have to cheat.

Thor shoots the pods that store the Jyu Ohs before they can revive.

Loki: What are you doing? Those are important HARD GAY samples!

Thor: Hey, I thought you said I was the most HARD GAY of them all! These nameless men cannot compare to me!

Thor kills the sleeping Jyu Ohs, only to trigger a holographic projection of the Earth.

Level Two Clear!

Loki: It’s a cutscene!

The synthesised voice of Thor’s mother is heard.

Eva/Valkyrie: Thor, you must understand that our plans of evil are not entirely pointless. Humanity must do what it can to survive, since the Earth was actually destroyed 130 years ago. In a spectacularly contrived twist of plot, it was hit by the same meteor that had previously passed by Chimera and changed its rotation speed.

Third: The Earth is gone? Are you trying to tell me that everything I’ve worked for has been completely pointless?

Thor destroys the holographic projector with some random shots that just happen to hit their target.

Thor: Join the club. Now come on, we still have several levels to complete.

Begin Level Three: Computer Chaos!

The team moves on to the computer room.

Loki: There shouldn’t be any enemies on this level. I’ll just input the code to shut down the evil final boss process.

Unfortunately, the code does not work.

Thor: There’s nothing for it- we’ll just have to destroy Valkyrie.

Loki: Wait, you can’t do that! It’ll cause an explosion, and bring down the shield so we can’t escape, and, erm, well I’m sure there’s some other important reasons as well.

Thor: For heaven’s sake, old man, just make up your mind whose side you’re on!

Third: Generics, fire at those computer panels!

The generics destroy the computer panels in front of them, which somehow takes down the whole Valkyrie system.

Level Three Clear! Begin Level Four: Mega Scramble!

Loki: What have you done?

Third: The game timer has started counting down. Our mission objective is to reach the helipad on the roof within twenty minutes.

Loki: You fool- no one could do it in less than forty!

Third: Thor’s the main character- I’m sure he’ll find a way.

Back at evil boss HQ, Odin’s underlings report to him.

Underling: Valkyrie has been destroyed! The Ball of evil and doom is moving erratically.

Odin: Damn, why isn’t everything going to plan? What did I do wrong?

Underling: Something strange is happening- there’s a huge growth of Musa on the surface!

Down on Chimera, Zagi has somehow found the strength to go outside. Tiz approaches him.

Tiz: Zagi, what are you doing?

Zagi: All I ever wanted was to be the main character- in fact, when I signed up to take part in this series, I thought I was getting the lead role. It wasn’t until episode two that I realised the series was about Thor.

Tiz: I don’t really understand what you’re talking about, but you have to get to safety. Thor would be mad at me if I let his favourite HARD GAY partner die.

Zagi: Favourite?

Tiz: Well, he didn’t kill you after your last encounter, so he must like you.

As Chen and Rada come out to get Tiz and Zagi, a random Night Ring generic appears to avenge his people.

Night Ring Generic: Damn you, Zagi! Die!

The generic fires his gun.

Tiz: Pointless Self-Sacrifice!

Tiz takes the bullet. Moments later, the ground opens up and swallows the generic, whilst Tiz and Zagi fall into the newly created crevasse.

Chen: Tiz! Why did we have to have this pointless twist?

Meanwhile, Thor and the others are climbing the maintenance ladder to the helipad when a Verasona bursts out of the wall and attacks.

Thor: I thought there were no enemies on this level! We’re going to run out of time if we have to stop for random encounters.

Loki stays behind.

Loki: Don’t worry, Thor! Run away like a man whilst I lock down this section and keep the Verasona contained!

Thor: Professor!

Third: Keep going, Thor- he’s just an unimportant character!

The party leaves Loki behind as he locks himself in with the Verasona.

Loki: Go, Thor…go and spread BI throughout the galaxy.

Odin receives a report about the Balls of evil and doom.

Underling: Four of the Balls have stopped! The other two have been blocked by the Musa roots!

Odin: Is it over yet? The plot is getting really stupid now, and I just want to go home and have a cup of tea.

At the bottom of the crevasse, Zagi cradles Tiz in his arms.

Zagi: Tiz, you can’t pointlessly die in the last episode! Pull yourself together.

Tiz: I just wanted to live out the series, but the studio couldn’t afford to pay me for the last seven minutes of this episode.

Tiz dies.

Zagi: Well, that’s one less rival for Thor’s love.

Thor and Third reach a locked door.

Thor: For some reason I can’t open it.

Third: This must be a switch puzzle…ah look, the switch is on the floor in front of us.

Third goes over to the switch, but a quake from the lower levels causes him to fall over the edge into the maintenance shaft. Fortunately, Thor catches him just in time.

Third: Thor, just let go of me! The most important thing is that the main character survives!

Thor: I won’t let go! If you die, who am I going to have HARD GAY with?

Third: I guess you won’t let go no matter what I say…after all, I was the one who introduced you to Chimera’s HARD GAY techniques and made you what you are today. Making a lengthy speech whilst hanging over the edge of this maintenance shaft isn’t ideal, I know, but I won’t get another opportunity. You see, my contract has just expired, and it’s time for me to go.

Third draws a gun and shoots himself in the head.

Thor: Third!

Now alone, Thor reaches the helipad, only to find that the helicopter is buried in a pile of rubble.

Thor: Is this it? How can I ever complete this game?

For some reason, Thor’s skin starts getting darker.

Thor: Must be my magical DNA at work.

Thor sees a vision of Tiz cosplaying as Reika from RahXephon.

Thor: Tiz, all my other partners have deserted me- you’re all I have left.

Level Four Complete! Cutscene on!

Conveniently, an aircraft of generics appears to rescue Thor.

Thor: Wait, Tiz is still down there! It makes no sense that she would be standing on top of this building in a cream dress, but we can’t leave her behind.

Thor struggles as the generics take him on board.

Some time later, Thor visits Odin, who is recuperating in bed.

Odin: I wanted to be a final boss and have HARD GAY with you, but since there’s only about three minutes of this series left, I’ve given up on all that. I’m just going to leave Chimera alone from now on.

Thor: All I ever wanted was to leave Chimera, but now I see that the plot just went downhill once I got away from there.

Down on Chimera, Chen and Rada rescue a girl who looks like Tiz.

Rada: Taking in another child?

Chen: Now that the Rings have collapsed and no one’s being sent down from above, we need to concentrate on finding home-grown partners for Thor.

Thor arrives, now with black hair- he seems to have absorbed the appearances of Third and Tiz into his own.

Thor: Your name will be Tiz. Now come with me- Daddy has something special to show you.

The end- yes, the pain is over at last!

Generic: Wow, I never imagined that you’d be so good looking.

(Thor: Is this guy trying to hit on me? He should know that I’m only interested in named characters.)

Generic: Anyway, as of now, you have been pardoned- you may leave the prison planet Chimera in order to go and live on the prison planet Hecate.

Everyone gets on the Dagger Pagoda elevator.

(Thor: This is the plot outcome I wanted, but I feel as I can hear a voice saying “don’t go”. Is it the voice of the plot?)

The elevator stops at Chimera space port. Dr. Loki is waiting.

Loki: Okay, generics, you can go now- the leads should be dealt with by named characters. Hello, everyone, I am Doctor Loki, a stereotypical researcher. Follow me to reach an Exposition Point.

The trio follow Loki, but Captain Heimdall and more generics appear.

Generic: I’m sorry, but only the main character is worthy of an audience with Odin.

Tiz: Thor, I won’t be left behind again! What if you get up to more HARD GAY behind my back?

Thor: It’ll be okay…whatever happens, I’ll still treat you in the same uncaring way.

Thor is led away.

Heimdall: Well done, Third- or should I say Lt Sigurd Heiza- you have successfully completed your assigned task of being generally manipulative and evil.

Tiz: Third!? I would never have guessed such an open and honest person could be evil.

Thor is taken to see Odin.

Odin: Ah, Thor, it’s been five years since we last met, during which time I have become older and uglier.

Thor: Odin!

Odin: Are you angry? I guess it’s not unexpected, since I did kill your parents and strand you on a hostile planet with your brother.

(Thor: I had a brother? I must have forgotten about that.)

Odin: You know, if you want to kill me, that’s fine- just as long as my final wish is carried out.

Thor: Final wish?

Odin: Why, dear boy, to be HARD GAY with you!

Thor shoves Odin away.

Thor: As if I would ever be HARD GAY with someone as old and ugly as you!

Loki: Exposition Mode on! Now seems as good a time as any to explain that our researchers have discovered that an excess of HARD GAY means that humanity will be extinct within 50 years.

Thor: Then Chimera…

Odin: It isn’t just a prison planet, it is a place in which people can become BI and breed again.

Thor: And the frozen Jyu-ohs?

Odin: They are important samples of BI, which we use to artificially breed BI offspring to be returned to Chimera.

Thor: Isn’t this all a little convoluted?

Odin: Don’t you dare criticise my ultimate plan of evil!

Thor: I get it…this is all about breeding the perfect HARD GAY partner for you, isn’t it?

Thor throws Odin to the ground. Generics appear and aim their guns at him.

Odin: Don’t shoot! He is my destined HARD GAY partner- the culmination of generations of breeding!

Thor lets go of Odin.

Odin: Yes, that’s right, Thor, you were the perfect HARD GAY man we strove to achieve. The people you thought were your parents were not even related to you- Rai was their real son. That was why he was so inferior that he had to die in the first episode.

Thor: This makes no sense- if I’m not related to mother and this brother you keep talking about, why did we look so alike?

Odin: I can explain that too; you see, to make this revelation a bit of a surprise, the special plot device known as Magic DNA made you look like your surrogate family.

Thor sinks to his knees.

Thor: I can’t believe it…to think the truth behind this series would be so ridiculous…

Odin: I’m not finished yet, for I must also mention that we always intended to test the extent of your HARD GAY and BI tendencies by sending you to Chimera to refine them- and when your parents refused, we killed them.

Thor: Mother…father…

Odin: Anyway, enough talk- the important thing is to breed from you as much as possible.

Thor: If it involves beautiful women, count me in.

Third arrives, now altered to look like a short-haired Thor.

Odin: Allow me to introduce Lt. Sigurd Heiza, known to you as Third. He originally auditioned for the part of main character, but had to alter his appearance when he was cast in a supporting role. His mission was to keep the plot moving in the right direction.

Thor: You…you killed Karin, didn’t you?

Third: Has it really taken you all that time to figure it out?

Thor: Damn, I just don’t get what this series is supposed to be about any more.

Later, Third is told he will be part of the delegation to go to Earth as he wanted.

Third: Since it’s the penultimate episode of the series, what better time to stop and have a Flashback Mode? Ever since I was young, I always wanted to go to the Earth. Although it has never been mentioned before, this is the driving force behind my character.

Loki takes Thor back to the room where Tiz is waiting.

Tiz: Thor, are you okay? Did they wear you out with HARD GAY?

Loki: From now on, he’ll be participating in all our HARD GAY experiments.

Tiz: Get out.

Loki: I’ll come for you tomorrow, Thor.

Thor and Tiz are left alone.

Thor: How could this happen? I’m the main character, but I’ve only just learned the truth behind everything in this, the penultimate episode! I may as well give up on being the lead and become a generic.

Tiz: Thor, you mustn’t become disheartened now- the series will be ending soon anyway.

Thor: You’re right. Let’s just go back to Chimera and have children.

Loki reports to Odin.

Odin: Where’s Thor?

Loki: In the cabin.

Odin: We must begin the HARD GAY DNA extraction at once, for I must make an entire generation of perfect HARD GAY partners to tend to me in my old age. After that, we must increase Chimera’s self-rotation rate.

Loki: Isn’t that an incredibly evil and pointless course of action that will kill most of the people living on Chimera?

Odin: Of course it is- you can’t be a final boss without a pointless and evil plan! If you try to stop me, I will deal with you as well!

Loki: You…I always knew you were an evil final boss, but never did I once assume that you were an evil final boss!

Loki draws a gun.

Loki: I can’t believe I slept with such an evil man! This is the last time I fire my ‘pistol’ at you!

Loki fires at Odin, who theatrically takes the bullet and falls to his knees. As if on cue, the generics only rush in after Odin has been shot. They restrain Loki.

Heimdall: Sir, are you okay?

Odin: I have sustained a bullet wound in a vital area, but nonetheless I have enough stamina left to theatrically stagger around and play the part of the final boss.

Odin goes over to his control panel and enters a simple key sequence.

Odin: Activate Ultimate Plan of Evil!

Computer: Ultimate Plan of Evil- Start!

In the cabin…

Tiz: Thor, what’s going on?

Thor: I don’t know, but it might be some kind of Ultimate Plan of Evil. Since we’re main characters, we should go and see.

They leave the cabin and run into Third.

Third: Hi guys, let’s forget all about that betraying your confidence thing and go and see what’s going on.

Thor: Sure, why not? Do you know anything about this Ultimate Plan of Evil?

Third: As a matter of fact, I do. It is a pointless and scientifically unsound plan to accelerate Chimera’s self rotation in the hopes of providing the optimal environment for raising your HARD GAY offspring.

Thor, Tiz and Third reach the control room.

Thor: What have you done? Switch it off immediately!

Odin: Idiot boy, I just switched it on! This is my Ultimate Evil Plan- I can’t be a final boss without one!

Loki: My last act of exposition shall be to tell you what to do. In order to ensure a dramatic finale, the plan cannot be switched off from here; instead, you must go to the Valkyrie on Hecate.

Thor: How long do we have?

Third: Just two hours- any longer and it would be too easy.

(Thor: At last I’ve found my destined role in the plot!)

Thor: It is clearly my duty to stop it; Third, you can come with me in case I need HARD GAY on the way there.

Third: I don’t actually obey your orders, but since I want the screen time I shall come along anyway.

Thor: Tiz, you’re just a woman so you can go back to Chimera and wait for me to save the day.

Thor gets dressed into his “Saving the Day” costume, before heading out with Third, Loki, Heimdall and some generics. They leave for Hecate on a sphere known as “The Ball”.

To be concluded…

Thor: Tiz, please let me in; all I said was that I loved Karin instead of you- I don’t know why you’re so angry about a little thing like that.

Tiz opens the door.

Tiz: Look, I understand that you’re the main character, but at least let me be your second wife.

(Thor: Now that’s what I like to hear.)

Meanwhile, Karin goes to see Zagi.

Zagi: You know, Karin, I really have to thank you. I thought I could blind Thor with the power of my HARD GAY, but in the end, it was your feminine charms that won him over.

Karin: Zagi, what is it you want with Thor? Is it just HARD GAY?

Zagi: Of course not, it’s more plot related than that. Thor is just another tool.

Karin: You really are trying to set yourself up as an antagonist by belittling the main character like that.

Zagi: I’m bad to the bone, honey.

Karin: I hate you and want to kill you; therefore the logical thing for me to do now is to passionately kiss you.

(Zagi: I still have my bad boy charm- and this black leather outfit probably doesn’t hurt, either.)

Zagi: Karin, enjoyable as this is, I’m afraid I’m going to have to loan you to Thor for a while so that you can spy on him.

Karin: You went as far as having HARD GAY with Thor, but you still don’t trust him?

Zagi: I’m an antagonist; my character description says I’m not to trust anyone.

Karin: Even me?

Zagi: Who do you love more, Karin, me or Thor?

Karin: The man I’ve loved and followed for years, or the main character I met two episodes ago- hard choice.

Zagi: I see.

Zagi leaves. Karin staggers outside in order to randomly stumble around and call for Zagi. Eventually, she catches up with a hooded man whom she believes to be Zagi, but he stabs her in the chest.

(Karin: Zagi, I should be angry that you cut my screen time short, but in my twisted logic I understand that you killed me because you love me.)

Having heard her calls, Thor and Tiz run outside and find Karin’s body.

(Thor: This can’t be happening. I finally found a woman that I liked, and she got herself killed- now I’ll have to go back to Tiz!)

(Tiz: This is perfect- my rival is gone!)

Thor confronts Zagi and attacks him, slicing open his cheek.

Zagi: Are you so jealous of me that you would try to ruin my good looks?

Somehow, everyone automatically knows to gather around.

Third: It looks like those two will be battling for the position of Jyu Oh after all. It’s almost as convenient as if I had arranged it myself, er, I mean I would never do such a thing.

Zagi draws his ‘sword’ and begins to duel with Thor.

Chen: This is bad; as a BI master, Zagi has a second sword concealed on his arm. Even the power of a main character might be enough to match that.

Thor knocks away Zagi’s ‘sword’.

Zagi: Cloak and Dagger!

Zagi tries to blind Thor with his cloak so that he can attack with the concealed blade, but it does not work.

Thor: Main Character Destiny Slash!

Thor counterattacks and slices open Zagi’s chest.

Zagi: Oh great, my outfit is ruined now.

Thor: Zagi, why did you kill Karin?

Zagi: If you had just talked to me before giving me this fatal wound, I would have been able to tell you that I didn’t kill Karin. I may be an antagonist, but I’ve always tried not to stray onto the path of fully generic evil.

Thor: If you didn’t kill her, then who did?

Thor approaches Zagi in order to find out the truth.

Zagi: I’d like to tell you, but that would spoil the suspense. I’ll give you a few clues- he’s an important HARD GAY OP character.

Zagi collapses.

Third: A new Jyu Oh is born!

Third approaches Thor.

(Thor: An important HARD GAY OP character…it couldn’t possibly be Third.)

Third: Come on, Thor, finish him off so that we can enjoy some celebratory HARD GAY.

As Third urges Thor to finish the job, Dagger Pagoda lights up.

Rada: It’s Dagger Pagoda- how does it know?

Third: Come on, Thor, it’s time to go and fulfil the original plot.

Thor: Zagi is still alive, I can’t leave him.

Third: Of course you can- we’ll just get the women to look after him whilst we fit young males enjoy some HARD GAY.

Thor: Erm, well, I’d like to look at Karin’s dead body one last time.

Third: Oh, okay then, but don’t be more than five minutes- the episode is about to end, after all.

Thor goes to say goodbye to Karin.

Thor: Karin, I don’t have any clue as to who killed you- in fact, I don’t even know what the plot of this series is supposed to be anymore. All I can do is trigger the Dagger Pagoda event and hope things work out.

Thor, Tiz and Third go to Dagger Pagoda, which opens up. As they enter, they meet three generics.

Generic: Well done, Thor Klein, you have cleared the Jyu Oh event.

To be continued.

Rada: Third, Thor and Tiz have gone again.

Third: Damn, when will they learn to stop leaving me behind- I hardly had any screen time last episode. I guess I’d better go after them.

Rada: Hey, what were you doing in here in the first place?

Third: Uh, nothing…

Third goes off to find Thor and Tiz. Meanwhile, Thor has awakened at the bottom of the ravine.

Thor: Thank goodness I’m a main character- that didn’t hurt at all. Now to find Karin.

Fortunately, Karin is only a short way away. Thor awakens her.

Thor: Thank goodness you’re uninjured.

Karin: I’m a named character too, you know- it’s just that I like randomly lying around until a man comes along to wake me up.

Back at Night Ring, Tiz is worried about Thor.

Tiz: Thor, as long as I’m not there to stop you, who knows what sort of HARD GAY activities you might get up to? You might even end up with that other woman- she is one of the few named females in the series, after all.

As soon as the blizzard eases up, Tiz rushes outside to search for Thor.

Tiz: Thor, you won’t get away from me that easily!

In the ravine, Thor tries to climb out, but the roots break under his weight.

Thor: I should have known the plot wouldn’t make it that easy. Still, these roots must have water running through them; we can survive if I cut them open.

Thor tries to cut open a root with his beam knife, but to no avail.

Thor: Damn, why did the roots that broke so easily when I climbed them suddenly attain the toughness of steel?

(Thor: I guess we’ll be okay since we’re both named OP characters, but if we spend the rest of the series in this ravine, it won’t be very interesting.)

Karin: At least you have a reason to get out of here, but now that Zagi has chosen you as his partner instead of me, I have nothing to live for.

Thor: Karin, you’ve misunderstood- just because I’m with Zagi doesn’t mean that I can’t have a relationship with you too!

Karin: That’s not what I want!

Karin uses her mini-harpoons to attack Thor.

Thor: Karin, attacking me is pointless- I’m the main character!

Thor does not even bother to dodge Karin’s attacks.

Karin: Why didn’t you evade my attacks? Surely your stats must be high enough for that.

Thor: Karin, if I wanted to I could easily defeat you, but I know the audience doesn’t want that. Besides, if truth be told, I don’t really want Zagi as my partner; someone who spends so much time attending to himself can never give the best HARD GAY to others.

(Thor: I must tread carefully here, for I want Karin to be mine.)

Karin: Just a minute ago, I wanted to kill you, but now I have changed my mind.

Thor looks over to where his beam knife has somehow become embedded in the roots. A strange moss is growing around it.

Thor: I knew the plot would provide; this soft mossy section is easy to penetrate- perhaps we can get out after all!

Thor breaks open a hole in the vines, leading to an underground, water-filled cavern.

Thor: A sealed underground cavern- somehow this means we’re saved!

Up on the surface, Zagi and his generics are randomly wandering around when Third lands beside them.

(Third: Zagi, you may be prominent in the OP, but I am still better looking than you.)

(Zagi: Third, you may have had more screen time than me, but I am more HARD GAY than you.)

Zagi: If you’re looking for Thor, he isn’t here.

Third: I thought he might have come here for HARD GAY, but I guess he wouldn’t do that when he’s got me.

Zagi: Actually, if you must know, he went out to look for my former Second. He seemed quite passionate about her, so I doubt he’ll even need you any more.

Third: Her? You had a female Second?

Zagi: Yes- you may be pure HARD GAY, but I am BI.

Third: Anyway, how long has he been gone?

Zagi: Oh, about a day or so. Anyone else would be dead by now, but since he’s the main character I guess there’s a good chance he’s still alive.

Third: Well, much as I’d like to stay and chat with you in the freezing cold, I really should go and look for him.

Third departs on his air bike. Meanwhile, Thor and Karin have made their way into the water-filled chamber.

Thor: For some reason, I know that these roots will support us as we climb out. It’ll only take two days of exhausting and back-breaking labour- shall we go?

Karin: Thor, this probably isn’t the best time to bring this up, but I actually find you attractive. I mean, five minutes ago I said that I only lived for Zagi, but the truth is, I liked you from the first moment we met.

(Thor: Thor scores again! Named females may be few and far between, but I certainly have a way with them.)

Thor: That’s good to know, er, I mean, I find you attractive too.

Karin: Thor, I’m so jealous of you; as the main character, you can get any partner you want! I wish I could be you.

Thor: I’m afraid that’s not possible, but would you settle for being a member of my harem? It’s the next best thing.

Thor and Karin kiss.

Karin: Actually, come to think of it, it’s too soon to start another relationship. I should just stay down here and angst about Zagi for a while.

Thor: Karin, I’d love to oblige you, but this is only an eleven episode series- we just don’t have time for that kind of angst.

Karin: Oh well, in that case, we should climb out.

Magic Fast Forward Mode activates, and in the very next scene, Thor and Karin have reached the surface.

Karin: That was even faster than I imagined.

Thor: That’s just one of the many advantages of sticking close to the main character. Anyway, now that we’re above ground, let’s indulge in some cheesy romantic dialogue, shall we?

Tiz appears.

(Thor: Damn that Tiz, how dare she ruin my moment with Karin?)

(Tiz: What’s he doing with another woman? When will he learn to be faithful to me?)

Tiz: Hey Thor, I’ve been randomly wandering around in the freezing cold for days just because of you!

Thor: Yes, yes, I’m sure it was terrible, but the important thing is that I’m all right.

Tiz: I can see that- were you with her all this time?

Thor: Tiz, I’m not sure how to break this to you, so I might as well be direct. I care more about this woman I met two days ago than I do about you.

Third and Chen appear. As Tiz runs away, Chen follows her.

Chen: Tiz, wait! I agreed to appear in this episode purely for the purpose of having a woman-to-woman talk with you!

Tiz: It’s just not fair. I’m already 17 years old- at this rate I’ll be an old woman before I have Thor’s child!

Chen: I know it hurts, but at times like these, you have to focus on what’s important- namely the plot. You have to stay by Thor’s side both for the sake of the story and your screen time.

Back at Night Ring, Thor, Zagi, Third and Karin confer.

Thor: I still don’t like your idea, but since I haven’t been able to come up with a better plot, I guess I’ll go along with it for now.

Zagi: In that case, we’ll talk to Juno about Chimera’s independence. You’ll go to Hecate as Jyu Oh, and I’ll be your Second. Oh, and by the way, you shouldn’t have chosen Karin over me- my HARD GAY would have been far superior to anything she could give you.

Later, Third talks privately to Thor.

Third: Thor, how can you go along with Zagi? He’s meant to be an antagonist!

Thor: Third, we’re running out of time. There are only three episodes after this, and I can’t think up a decent plot.

Third: Why not stick with the original plot of becoming Jyu Oh under your own terms?

Thor: It’s too late to bother with all that, especially if Zagi’s exposition was correct. It won’t be perfect, but we just have to finish the series as best we can.

To be continued…

Heimdall: Sir, should we begin Operation Midgard?

Odin: Ah, an evil scheme worthy of a final villain such as myself. Of course, we must go ahead with it, but more than that, I want my magic CCTV operational- it only seems to be displaying numbers at the moment.

Loki: I am a kindly scientist, so I must lodge a protest at the evilness of this plan.

Odin: Your objection is noted and duly ignored. Ah, if only Klein were here…oh wait, I was the one who ordered his death.

Back on Chimera, Thor is heading out to meet Zagi, but Tiz is waiting for him.

Tiz: Thor, you can’t head out to a boss battle alone- if you die, it’ll be game over.

Thor and Tiz ride out to Dagger Pagoda.

Tiz: We have to be careful of Zagi- he’s an outsider who doesn’t respect our pointless and arbitrary rules.

Tiz and Thor land at Dagger Pagoda and meet Zagi.

Zagi: Hey, I thought I said to come alone for some man to man HARD GAY.

Tiz: Did you really think I’d let you be HARD GAY with my husband?

Thor: It’s okay Zagi, we’ll leave the woman behind in the freezing cold snow and have a private chat.

Thor and Zagi do so.

Zagi: Thor, now that we are on our first date, I can start revealing details about my past. You see, I only actually committed a crime worthy of lesser prison planet Hecate, but whilst there, I broke into a facility of evil and saw ten generations of frozen Jyu Oh.

Thor: You bothered to count them?

Zagi: The point is that becoming Jyu Oh is worthless! You just get stuck in the deep freeze for some random reason!

Thor: No…that can’t be right! The whole plot of this series is supposed to be based around my becoming Jyu Oh and returning to the colony in triumph!

Zagi: Don’t despair, Thor, I have thought up an alternate plot- one where you and I become the HARD GAY rulers of this planet. You see, you are the only one here who I would consider worthy of my bed.

Zagi realises someone is eavesdropping and calls out. Tiz reveals herself.

Tiz: I’m sorry, Thor, but I was worried about the potential for HARD GAY…

Zagi: I have to admit that HARD GAY outside can get a little cold sometimes. Let’s go back to Night Ring and continue our ‘meeting’ there.

Tiz: Thor, you can’t go!

Thor: I’m sorry, Tiz, but the prospect of HARD GAY with Zagi intrigues me.

Thor and Zagi goes to leave, but Tiz spots some generics hiding in the cliffs.

Tiz: Thor, watch out!

Generics: Die, named character!

(Thor: For the sake of HARD GAY, I must protect Zagi!)

Thor throws Zagi to the ground just as the generics open fire. Before anyone can react further, however, the unknown woman from the OP jumps down and captures the men.

(Thor: An OP character!)

The woman orders her own generics to kill the attacking generics.

Zagi: Thor, why did you protect me? Could it be that you have feelings for me after all?

Thor: Don’t get cocky- I’m only after you for your body.

Zagi: Then I guess you’re an idiot, since there’s so much more to me than that.

The woman, Karin, reports to Zagi.

Zagi: Karin, I thought I told you this was a HARD GAY males-only meeting.

(Thor: A woman…is he BI?)

Thor, Zagi, Karin and Tiz go to Night Ring’s stronghold. As they wander through the outskirts of the Night Ring buildings, Tiz trips over a corpse.

Zagi: Oh, you’ll have to excuse the mess- I never was much good at clearing up. And in case you’re wondering, I’m not as evil as I’m made out to be- Night Ring was planning to attack us first. They should have known better than to target named OP characters. Now, Karin, take Tiz away to the women’s block; it’s time for some more HARD GAY.

Thor and Zagi go inside. Zagi prepares a drink for Thor.

Zagi: Here, try my special sake and juice mix- the perfect cocktail to kick start a night of HARD GAY.

Meanwhile, Karin takes Tiz to her room.

Karin: This is your room. Just wait here like a good girl.

Tiz: Hey, wait a minute- if you’re going back, then I should too. I love Thor as much as you love Zagi.

Karin: Everyone loves Zagi- since he is BI, it doesn’t matter to him if you’re a man or a woman.

After enjoying some HARD GAY, Thor and Zagi get down to business.

Zagi: Anyway, as I was saying earlier, I’ve been coming up with some ideas for the plot, and I’ve decided that Chimera needs to declare its independence. For that, I’ll need you as my beautiful and charismatic HARD GAY partner.

Thor: So what, you’re just using me? I am the main character, you know!

Zagi: You may be the main character, but can you really say you have any ideas better than becoming Jyu Oh and getting frozen?

Karin enters.

Karin: I’m sorry to interrupt your HARD GAY, but Ochre’s Second is getting very worried.

Thor: I suppose she’s getting jealous again. I’d better go and see to her.

After Thor leaves, Zagi slaps Karin.

Zagi: Foolish woman, how dare you disrupt the best HARD GAY I’ve ever had?

Karin: Top, that man, he isn’t right for you! He’ll use you up and throw you away once he’s bored with you!

As Zagi and Karin continue arguing, Thor returns.

Thor: Now, now, there’s no need to fight over me. I’m sure we can work out an equitable threesome.

Zagi: No, this woman should learn that sleeping with me is not a right, but a privilege. Karin, you must leave.

Karin: Zagi!

Zagi: Thor, you should go. I’m not in the mood for HARD GAY anymore.

Zagi leaves.

Karin: I- I just wanted to tell him how dangerous it is to trifle with the main character! Besides, if he becomes too obsessed with HARD GAY with you, no one else will be able to get any.

Thor: Zagi is a fickle man; although I may be flavour of the month now, I’m well aware that he’ll dump me once he’s had enough.

Karin: You idiot! Since you’re the main character, if Zagi dumps you, he’ll be the one to suffer.

Karin runs off. Thor goes to Tiz.

Tiz: Thor, what’s wrong?

Thor: It seems as if the plotline that I tried to follow for over half the series was entirely pointless. Now all I can do is agree to be HARD GAY with Zagi and see where it leads.

Tiz: Thor, I thought that you and I were an item! Let’s just settle down here and pump out a few kids.

(Thor: Tiz, you are an important named character, but I am not interested in having children with you when HARD GAY is available.)

Outside, some generics discuss the fact that Karin has gone missing.

Thor: Since I’m the main character, I’ll accept the mission of going after her. Tiz, you wait here.

Tiz: Wait, Thor…are you going after another woman this time?

Thor randomly runs off into the blizzard to find Karin.

(Thor: This shouldn’t be too hard- randomly running off is my speciality, after all.)

Indeed, in short order, Thor stumbles across Karin, who has collapsed in the storm.

Thor: Karin, go back to the stronghold- a named character shouldn’t risk themselves in this way.

Karin: What’s the point of living if Zagi won’t sleep with me?

Karin magically finds the strength to get up and start walking away again, only to step onto some thin ice. As Thor tries to rescue her, the ice cracks, and both fall into a chasm. What an exciting cliffhanger.

To be continued…

Zagi’s people (Blanc Ring) attack Night Ring. Zagi confronts its Top, Jeso.

Jeso: You won’t defeat me so easily!

Zagi: Who are you kidding? I’m an OP character, whilst this is your first appearance.

A messenger from Night Ring makes his way to Ochre Ring in order to meet up with Thor, Tiz and Third (now Top, Second and Third of Ochre Ring).

Thor: Look at me; I’ve gone through puberty; now I’m a fifteen year old MAN with a deep voice!

Tiz: And I’m all woman, with large assets.

Messenger: I bring you important plot-related information- Blanc Ring has attacked Night Ring and killed our Top. Before he died, Jeso asked me to come here and ask that the main character stand against their leader, the Blanc Wolf.

Later, Thor talks to Third.

Third: Your main character powers have really helped us out, Thor. You’ve expanded our territory, ensured that food and water are plentiful, and given our Ring the most screen time.

Thor: Don’t think that I’ve grown complacent during these few years offscreen; I still plan to become Jyu Oh.

Third: Just what I wanted to hear. Luckily for us, Blanc Ring is going after Sun Ring next. We can just sit back and take out whoever wins.

Thor: Does that sound like the sort of thing a righteous main character should do to you?

Tiz enters.

Tiz: Sorry to interrupt, but it’s time to advance the plot again. This time we need to go and meet Sun Ring’s Top at a random location. All three of us should go, leaving the Ring completely without its leaders.

Thor, Tiz and Third head out into the snow to meet Yuuki, leader of Sun Ring. They meet him in a ruined village.

Thor: I recognise this; it’s the Ruins tileset from RPG Maker…now with added snow!

Yuuki: Thor, I’m so glad to meet the main character- and I love what you’ve done to your hair.

Thor: Oh, I just made it platinum blonde so that I would be more recognisable from a distance. I’d never want to be mistaken for a generic.

Yuuki: Anyway, let’s get down to business. We need to do something about Blanc Ring; what say you and I team up to oppose their leader, the Blanc Wolf?

Thor: Hmm, your character design is more generic than I’d like, but I guess there’s no harm in it for now.

Yuuki: In that case, let’s get down to more important business. Third, I have something to ask you- are you HARD GAY?

Third: I’m afraid it hasn’t been the same ever since Chen left me.

Yuuki: Ah, I was afraid that would be the case. Well, after that last Try four years ago she had to have her leg amputated, but now she’s conveniently waiting for you in yet another abandoned village to the east.

Tiz: I can’t believe that a named OP character could lose their leg.

Yuuki: Poor Chen, she tried to be an independent woman, but in the end she had to return to the protection of men.

Yuuki’s underling enters.

Underling: Top, Chen has left already.

Yuuki: Quick, Third, you must go to her.

Third: Now that I have learnt that she lost her leg, I am no longer interested in Chen. You can have her, for it’s back to reliable old HARD GAY for me.

Thor: Third, if you keep saying things like that, you’re just going to alienate the audience. Come on, let’s go and see Chen.

Despite supposedly having started to go back, Yuuki is talking to Chen in the house she was originally waiting in.

Yuuki: Chen, there’s no need to worry. Even though you are apparently one-legged and wasting away, you still look much the same, and even have an artificial limb that we somehow procured on this backwater planet.

Chen: Yuuki, I’m just tired of everything. I don’t want to keep pumping out children.

Gunshots are heard outside.

Yuuki: Chen, be a good woman and hide upstairs.

Whilst Chen goes upstairs, Yuuki looks outside and sees that Zagi and his men have killed his generics. Whilst Chen shoots at them from upstairs, Yuuki also opens fire.

Zagi: You may kill my generics, but you won’t kill me that way! If you want to fight, let’s have a proper boss battle!

Yuuki: All right, then, let’s do this man-to-man- swords at the ready!

Yuuki draws his ‘sword’ and ‘comes’ at Zagi, who easily dodges.

Yuuki: Stop dodging and draw your sword already; that’s manlier than running away until your Musou bar is charged.

Zagi: Say what you like, but my HP is still at maximum.

Enraged, Yuuki charges at Zagi, who draws a sword at the last moment and blocks the blow.

Yuuki: So, you do have a sword after all- but that move won’t work on me twice.

(Zagi: That fool, can’t he see that I’m an OP character and he’s just some generic who was introduced this episode?)

Yuuki attacks again and breaks Zagi’s sword.

Yuuki: I’ve won! Nothing can possibly go wrong now!

Yuuki charges again, but Zagi throws his cloak over him and attacks with a hidden blade attached to his arm.

Yuuki: I’m dying, dying!

Chen: Damn you! Now I’ll have to point my gun at you but pass up the opportunity to actually shoot you.

Zagi: You’re all fools, playing by the rules of the plot. By defying those rules and doing the obvious instead, I shall be victorious.

Chen: In that case, I will have to shoot.

Zagi: I don’t think so.

As Chen goes to shoot, Zagi’s underling Kevin emerges from where he was waiting patiently, and shoots the gun out of her hand.

Zagi: Kill her.

Yuuki: No, she’s an OP character!

As Kevin fires, Yuuki magically finds the energy to block the bullets and save Chen.

Chen: Yuuki!

Yuuki: So, you really do care about me…and here I wasted my life on HARD GAY.

Zagi: Keivn, stop giving them time for fond farewells and just shoot the damn woman!

Thor, Tiz and Third appear, guns pointed at Kevin and Zagi.

Tiz: Didn’t you hear the man? You shouldn’t kill her- she’s a named OP character.

(Thor: This man is the Blanc Wolf, but with that mask obscuring the lower half of his face, I can’t be sure if he really is that man name Zagi who I met several years ago.)

Chen: Tiz, Yuuki is dead!

Tiz: Oh no, Yuuki! Let’s have an emotional moment for him, a random character who barely had ten minutes of screen time!

Thor approaches Zagi.

Thor: Breaking the rules of battle like that is unforgivable.

Zagi: Now really, you may pretend to be righteous and honourable now, but weren’t you the one who abandoned your own brother at the beginning of the series?

Zagi removes his mask.

Thor: I didn’t recognise you before, but now I can plainly see that you are Zagi!

Zagi: Thor, come and meet me alone at Dagger Pagoda tomorrow- I promise you’ll have a good time, if you know what I mean. And now, Smoke Bomb!

Zagi and his underlings escape under the cover of a smoke bomb.

Thor: Don’t shoot- he promised me some HARD GAY!

Thor and the others return home, where Thor talks to Third in his room.

Thor: I thought I’d finally got over Rai’s death, but still he haunts me. Why can’t everyone just forget about him and concentrate on me, the main character?

Third: It looks like Zagi has you confused.

Thor: The Zagi I knew for five minutes was a kind man, not a beast.

Third: Remember this, Thor- in the bedroom, all men are beasts.

To be continued…

Third: How could you do that to my beautiful face? There’ll be a bruise there now.

Thor: I didn’t want a Try! I haven’t levelled up enough to face Top yet!

Third: Levelling up is overrated. If you can’t do it now, you’ll ruin the whole plot.

Thor: If it’s so important to the plot, why don’t you fight Top?

Third: I told you; I can’t be anything other than a Third. Anyway, I didn’t just create this situation to be a manipulative bastard; I believe that your main character powers will be vital in the struggle to become Jyu Oh.

Tiz: I agree- only Thor can do it.

Rada: But what about the match? Top is at a much higher level than Thor.

Third: That’s where cheating comes in- or as I prefer to call it, ‘evening the odds’.

Third takes Thor to look around the arena he will be fighting in.

Third: Remember, we don’t want the fight to end too quickly, or the episode will run short. Just run around for a bit and let Third get the upper hand, then lure him to this conveniently placed blind spot in preparation for a cut scene that will turn the match around.

Later, Thor and Tiz go outside.

Thor: No matter what Third says, I can’t help but worry. I’ve hardly had any time to level up.

Tiz: Thor, what happened to all that main character arrogance? Top is actually the weakest of the ‘Big Four’, so you have a marginally higher chance of beating him than any of the others- especially as you studied martial arts in PE.

Leaves start falling from the Musa plants.

Tiz: This is Leaf Fall. Soon it will be time for the mating season, then Chimera’s long night of darkness and evil will begin.

The long-awaited Try finally begins. Thor and Top enter the arena.

Top: I’m not going to kill you quickly, boy; instead, I shall delay and talk a lot in order to give you a chance to make a comeback- not that that ever happens when the hero faces a minor villain.

Whilst Top and Thor stand still and wait for the ATBs to fill, Third dons a trench coat and watches from a hidden storeroom.

Third: Ah, deus ex machina, my favourite role.

Third starts assembling a sniper rifle.

(Third: With this coat and rifle, my looks are only enhanced.)

Finally, the actual fight begins.

Top: Running Charge! Rraaargh!

Thor: Swift Evasion!

Top: Second Charge! I’m coming towards you, so just stand still and let me cut you down!

Top keeps swinging his sword at Thor, who continues to dodge.

Top: Damn, your Evasion stat is pretty high.

(Thor: My stamina won’t hold, and a single hit from him could wipe out my HP, but I have to keep going until his anger bar is maxed out.)

Top: Damn you! Damn you! Damn you! I won’t be just a minor supporting character!

Thor keeps dodging until Top’s anger bar is at maximum, before switching to Attack Mode.

Top: Sword Swing #501!

Thor: Ankle attack!

Thor directs a kick towards Top’s ankle and knocks him over.

Thor: Equip Beam Knife!

Thor activates his beam knife, and starts to think about getting to the blind spot. Top: Back attack!

Top slices open Thor’s right shoulder.

(Top: Since he is the main character, I suppose I had better not target any vital areas.)

Top: Did you think I was the sort of villain who would just stand motionlessly whilst you made your plans? I’m not that stupid!

(Thor: Damn, I underestimated him.)

Thor falls to the ground.

Tiz: Thor, get up! Severe blood loss is nothing to a main character!

(Thor: She’s right.)

Thor struggles to his feet and starts staggering towards the blind spot.

Top: I could easily finish you off now, but instead I’ll stand here and laugh maniacally! Hahahahaha!

Thor makes it to the blind spot and collapse. Top finally advances on him.

(Thor: Third, where are you? I thought you were going to help me cheat!)

Just as Thor loses hope, Third fires a bullet that distracts Top.

(Third: I should leave actually killing Top up to the main character.)

Realising his chance, Thor suddenly dispels the effects of his injury and stabs Top with his beam knife. The crowd cheer as Top falls, for he was less important than the main character.

Unfortunately, the match has taken its toll on Thor, who collapses from blood loss. He is taken to his bedroom.

Rada: His blood loss was severe; I don’t even know if he can survive the night.

Tiz: Of course he’ll survive! To a main character, this is nothing more than a light scratch!

Rada: I’m sorry, but his pulse is gone.

Third: He needs CPR; let me do it!

Tiz: He my husband, so I should do it.

(Third: Damn, I was hoping for some HARD GAY. Oh well, I can still get on top of him.)

Third pushes on Thor’s chest whilst Tiz breathes into his mouth and Chen checks his pulse.

Third: You can’t die yet, Thor! We still have six episodes to go!

Chen: His pulse is back!

Tiz: He won’t die…the series can continue!

Later, Third stares outside. Chen comes to see him.

Chen: I have to go back for my HARD YURI with Ilza.

Third: Good luck.

Chen: I can see you care a great deal about Thor, but I want you to know that, HARD GAY or not, I’m going to nominate you again next mating season.

Chen leaves.

(Third: Night is coming. Soon it will get cold and we’ll all have to stop dressing in such skimpy clothes.)

Some time later, Thor wakes up to find Tiz watching over him. Third enters.

Thor: Why are you both wearing coats now?

Tiz: Night fell while you were sleeping. Cycling shorts won’t cut it in this weather.

Outside in the blizzard, Kevin and Zagi (now a Top) look at Ochre Ring.

Zagi: It looks like the first arc is over. Soon it will be time for me to attack Ochre Ring.

To be continued…