Crest/Banner of the Stars: the game

Can’t get enough of the Seikai universe? Then why not take control of it yourself, as the commander of the Abh Fleet? With Abh forces at your command, planets to conquer, resources to mine and the United Mankind to defeat, there’s plenty to do in this sci-fi tactical simulation. Go online and challenge other empires, or play against the computer and ensure peace in the galaxy. Commission the building of customised attack squadrons, keep planetary populations happy or just run roughshod over their wishes and risk rebellion- the power is in your hands!

Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei: the lost chapters

Sensei: Class, I don’t have a lesson plan today, so I’m just going to improvise. Everyone, get out your text books and start studying.

Chiri: Wait, you can’t do that- everything has to be done just right. Start by calling the register, then have us get our textbooks out and read!

Sensei: But it’s improvisation! It doesn’t matter how I do it.

Chiri: Even improvisation needs to have rules or everything will end up in chaos!

Sensei: Zetsubou shita! The society that imposes rules on improvisation has left me in despair!

• Strict rules for improvisation in Indian music.
• Lessons required for ‘freestyle’ dancing.
• Ad-libbing actors still having to be aware of what they’re saying.
• Unable to use any old lie when making an excuse.
• Examiners still looking for specific things after allowing students to write about whatever they want.

Wagaya no Oinari-sama 6

“…having HARD YURI.”

“Pretending to be a HARD YURI expert when I’m just as much of a beginner.”

“Are you trying to say she’s really a man?”

Yes, because we Westerners are known for just getting naked anywhere and everywhere.

What is this, Pokemon?

Toshokan Sensou 7

“Are you worthy of glimpsing my Zhuge Liang?”

Fruit sighted!

“I don’t know- get me to a bathroom quick!”

The Jintarou Kyle Show

Kyle: Hello and welcome to another edition of the Jintarou Kyle Show! This week’s topic is “Forced to pilot a giant robot…even though I’m only in junior high!” So let’s have our first guest on the show- Shinji Ikari!

Shinji emerges and sit down.

Kyle: Shinji, am I right in thinking that you were asked to pilot a giant robot at the age of only fourteen?

Shinji: That’s right- my dad asked me to do it.

Kyle: So, at an age where most boys are worrying about girls, sports and hanging out with their mates, your own father is pressuring you to get inside a giant robot and fight? That’s disgraceful!

Shinji: Well, I wanted my dad to notice me- I didn’t know how else to get his attention.

Kyle: That sounds like a cry for help to me- so let’s get Gendou Ikari on the show!

Gendou enters as the audience boos.

Kyle: Gendou, is it true that you made your own son go out and fight for the future of humanity?

Gendou: That’s right- I did it, and I’d do it again.

Kyle: Well, I think it’s disgraceful! You told our researchers that you didn’t even want to spend time with the boy- that you’d rather let him live alone than come and stay with you. This is a fourteen year old boy crying out for your love and attention, and you have just pushed him aside!

The audience claps and cheers.

Shinji: No, it’s really not all that bad- I have Misato…

Kyle: The poor boy is even too scared to confront you about it! Shall I tell you what he said to our researchers? He said that he feels too worthless and scared to even want to commit suicide!

Gendou: I-I had no idea. Son, you never told me this!

Kyle: This boy needs his father. I never said it was going to be easy to rebuild your relationship, but our show psychologist can help you work through your issues. Ladies and gentlemen- Shinji and Gendou!

Shinji and Gendou get up and leave the stage together.

Kyle: Next on the show we’ll be talking to Ayato Kamina, who was forced to leave the only life he’d ever known and live on a remote island as the pilot of the RahXephon. Stay tuned, because that’s coming after the break.

Anime Big Brother

The housemates have entered the Big Brother house, but how are they doing? Let’s check up on them.

Morning

Watanuki is the first up- he starts cooking everyone breakfast.

Doumeki: Don’t forget to make those spring rolls I like!

Watanuki: Shut up! I don’t do everything for you! Oh, if only Himawari-chan was here!

Everyone comes down for breakfast, but Horo and Kuu-chan start arguing over who gets the last apple.

Kuu-chan: Hands off that apple!

Horo: No fox is going to tell Horo the Wise what to do!

Lawrence: I have a business proposition- why don’t you split the apple 50-50?

Horo: You’re such a softie- can’t you see that with people like her you have to drive a hard bargain? I demand at least 70% of the apple!

Heat: If you guys don’t shut up, I’ll devour both of you!

(Lelouch: I could command them to shut up, but I must not waste my Geass on such a trivial thing.)

After the first day of ups and downs, our housemates are called in to talk to Big Brother.

Big Brother: So, Wil, how’s it going?

Wil: Well, things aren’t too bad, but I feel like Allison is trying to tell me something- this morning I found her in my bed with all her clothes stripped off! I don’t know what that’s all about.

Next, Big Brother has some sad news for Aoki.

Big Brother: Aoki, we have some sad news for you- your father has just died.

Aoki: Oh. Oh well, back to the house- I’m on dinner duty tonight.

Readers, you decide! Who should be evicted? Who should enter the house to take their place? Suggestions below.

This Week in Anime

Kogarashi presents new “Apple A Day” initiative.

I feel like I’m watching The Jewellery Channel. Oh, and did you know that amethyst is derived from the Greek word ‘amethystos’, meaning ‘not drunken’, because it was believed that wearing amethyst could stop you from getting drunk*? (*don’t try this at home).

Helth brand cigarettes, for a healthier cigarette.

“Such extremes of Hyper Self Pleasure!”

“Pears! Get your pears here!”

“Mmm, delicious!”

“Weaklings- can’t even hold their pears.”

“Damn, that guy is eyeing up my pears.”

“Gwakaka, he left his pears unguarded! Now’s my chance!”

If you didn’t fancy that amethyst earring, how about this oval cut loose sapphire?

I’m sorry, but of all filler weapons, this has to be one of the most stupid.

“We know that monkeys are traditionally regarded as banana lovers, but we have many other fruit to offer.”

Satoru pays for the latest session of phone sex.

The pears return- with apples on their side!

Flash Game Review: Lego Indiana Jones

Forget the disappointment of the film and try a demo of the best thing to come out of the Indy franchise- Lego Indiana Jones. This four level Flash game lets you control Indy for some side-scrolling action- hover the cursor over coins and treasure to pick them up, and click on flashing red hazards in time to dodge, jump over or otherwise avoid them. It sounds simple enough, but it actually requires decent reflexes and good timing- although luckily it’s addictive enough to make you want to complete trying until the level is mastered. After all, you have to clear levels 1-2 just to get the point where you can have Lego Indy ride on a cute Lego horse!

Harem of the week: Klein (Atelier Iris)

He may have seemed like a straightforward alchemist, but beneath it all, Klein had an eye for the ladies- after all, he could always wow them with his ‘staff’.

Harem

Lita: The female lead and main love interest- a strong-willed tsundere with a unique secret.

Norn: a youthful catgirl with a pure and innocent love for Klein.

Viola: apathetic proprietor of the local magic store- can Klein make her care about life again?

Blair: A proud young woman who opens a bakery after falling on hard times.

Hute and Villa: A pair of forward and outspoken sisters.

Arlin: A male party member who enjoys practising ‘swordplay’ with Klein.

We’ve considered this crossover before, but now is the time for the Mai franchise to take another step towards world domination with Mai-Undine! In Neo Venezia, aspiring Undines must learn to harness their gondola power in order to defend their respective companies from attack. Complete with fat cats, transformation sequences and those infamous gondola battles, Mai-Undine is the one to watch this summer!

Tsubasa Chronicle OVA1

“Well, I’ll break that promise as and when the plot demands.”

“Seeing as you’re so useless when you’re awake and all.”

“Is it a Zhuge Liang?”

“Better get our Swords out just in case.”

“The only thing that’s large and powerful around here is in my trousers.”

“If it’s HARD GAY you’re after, we’re CLAMP bishies, so expect plenty of it.”

“Well, that’s our evening sorted, then.”

“Some people have wanted her to sleep for the whole series.”

“Time for more Sword!”

“To interfere would be to spoil the plot- and anyway Fei Wong is going to kill me off shortly.”

Is this a hint that the Infinity Arc will be animated?

The Jintarou Kyle Show

Kyle: Welcome back to the Jintarou Kyle show! Before the break, we spoke to Tenma and Yakumo, two sisters living on their without their parents. Now we turn to a new family in the same situation- the Minami sisters! Everyone, please welcome Haruka onto the show!

Haruka enters.

Kyle: Your sisters are backstage, Haruka, but before we hear from them, we’d like to talk to you. Is it true that you’ve been put in the position of head of the family, even though you’re still in high school yourself?

Haruka: That’s right. I have to do all the cooking and cleaning for the family- I even gave up a chance to go abroad because I knew I had to stay and look after them.

Kyle: And where do you get your money from?

Haruka: Our parents did leave us some money in the bank, but it’s running low now- if they don’t come back soon, I’ll probably have to start looking for a job.

Kyle: Hasn’t it always been your dream to finish high school and go onto college?

Haruka: Yes…

Haruka starts crying.

Kyle: Now, let’s welcome Kana and Chiaki on the show.

Kana and Chiaki enter.

Kyle: You’ve just heard everything Haruka had to say backstage. What do you think of the situation?

Chiaki: Haruka-neesama, I’ll do everything I can to help you. I don’t want to be a burden. You’ll help too, won’t you, Kana?

Kana: Yeah, maybe.

Chiaki hits Kana.

Chiaki: Idiot!

Kyle: I think the situation in anime Japan is shameful! Parents leaving their children home alone for months and years at a time! But here at the Jintarou Kyle show, we’re here to right all the wrongs of the world, one family at a time! Haruka, we’ll do what we can to track down your parents, and help you realise your dream of going to college.

The audience cheers.

Kyle: Join us next time on the Jintarou Kyle show for “Forced to Pilot a Giant Robot- even though I’m only in junior high!”

This Week in Anime

Will the Harvest Moon nightmare never end?

Melons!

Oranges!

“…No…”

Fat cats on a diet? Has the world gone mad?

Bananas!

Apples evolve to the next level.

Aika is caught staring at Al’s bum.

As the devil’s fruit, it’s no wonder apples can lure people to hell.

Note the apples on the left hand side.

To be fair, I haven’t learned the lambada, but something seems a little wrong here.

Could this be the world’s Zhugest Liang, recreated in bread?

If this doesn’t look dodgy, I don’t know what does.

“He’d give me all types of Pleasure, no matter how kinky.”

“I may prefer peaches, but an apple a day keeps Doctor You away.”

“I’m sick of this all apple diet!”

“Sorry, but there are more apples in the fridge.”

“Who keeps fruit in the fridge?”

Classic PC games: Jazz Jackrabbit

Basically a Sonic clone for PC (complete with 3D bonus levels), Jazz Jackrabbit was a fun platformer that was actually somewhat easier than the game that inspired it. Unlike Sonic, Jazz could take multiple hits and came armed with some of the most powerful weapons a hare has ever wielded, from rapid fire missiles to rubber explosives- all necessary for his multi-planet crusade to defeat the evil turtles and rescue the hare princess.

Unfortunately, like so many games of its era, the shareware first episode was easy and enjoyable, but the levels in the full version were much harder and less satisfying. Even so, I will go back and finish them some day- perhaps.

Mini-editorial: Perfection vs. enjoyment

All anime viewers are searching for that holy grail- the perfect series that can make the likes of Aria and Dennou Coil look merely adequate. Along the way, however, we tend to watch a lot of incidental titles (crap, if you will), and sometimes the question must occur to us- isn’t it okay to watch a poorer series just for the entertainment factor? Must we always be highbrow and only watch those series with true merit, or is it okay to indulge in the guilty pleasure of a poorer series that nonetheless makes us smile? Should we hide the fact that we actually quite liked at least parts of Inukami, Dirty Pair Flash, MagiPoka and so forth? Will it make our anime habit less shameful if we pretend we’re only in it to appreciate high art? Then again, who care what we do with our spare time?

In Your Reflection

Too lazy for pictures; to be edited in later.

It’s time for the first head-to-head in a while, as we compare Slayers’ Amelia with Disgaea’s Flonne. Both operate as part of an eclectic bunch of ‘heroes’, and each has an obsession with justice and righteousness, with specialty skills in white magic.

Spice and Wolf the game

Missing Spice and Wolf? Then why not imagine what it might be like if the series had its own video game? You’ll take on the role of either Horo or Lawrence as the pair of you travel across the country trading various goods. Collect data on the best places to buy and sell different commodities and slowly build up your fortune. Spend the money on buying shops, recruiting subordinates or just unlocking extras like costumes for the world’s shapeliest wolf girl. The possibilities are endless!

Also available are several mini-games, including the chance to play as Nora and guide sheep and travellers through the wilderness, and a ‘wolf-Horo’ mode where you can fight real time battles against other wolves.

*NEW* Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei: the lost chapters

We were in so much despair over the ending of Zoku Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei that we did the only thing we could- we brought everyone’s favourite despairing teacher over to Azure Flame to continue his bleak outlook on the world. So, over to you, Itoshiki-sensei!

Sensei: Doesn’t it ever get to you how people are always getting ahead of themselves?

• Deciding on a wedding ring while you’re still single.
• Buying textbooks for a course before you apply.
• Picking a name for your website before you sort out hosting.
• Spending your inheritance while your rich aunt is still alive.
• Killing husband before taking out a life insurance policy on him.
• Planning the décor before you buy a house.
• Drafting a letter of resignation before you even get the job.

Kafka: Yes, but isn’t it good to have everything prepared just in case?

Sensei: Zetsubou shita! The society that doesn’t plan properly has left me in despair!

Amatsuki 2-3

“…through the traditional method of HARD GAY!”

“Hands off my Ezo!”

“Does he prefer S…or M?”

“Will you go out with me?”

*NEW* The Jintarou Kyle Show

Welcome to a brand new feature, in which our chat show host, Jintarou Kyle, gets to the bottom of the problems that are tearing anime families apart!

Kyle: Hello and welcome to the Jintarou Kyle show; I’m your host, Jinatarou Kyle. This week, we investigate an increasingly common phenomenon in anime- children who left to live at home without their parents. First on the show we have Tenma and Yakumo from School Rumble. So, Yakumo, am I to understand that you have to look after yourself and your sister?

Yakumo: Yes, that’s right. I do all the cooking and cleaning.

Tenma: Wait a minute- I help!

Yakumo: Nee-san, it’s best if you don’t help.

Kyle: And when was the last time you saw your parents?

Tenma: When we were in elementary school- since then we’ve been living on our own.

Kyle: And is it true that you have to sell your bodies just to afford to pay the bills and keep living in the family home?

Yakumo bursts into tears.

Yakumo: I didn’t want to tell anyone about it, but there was no other way!

Kyle: Well, we have a surprise for you today- your parents are here at the show. Come on out Mr and Mrs Tsukamoto!

The parents emerge to boos from the audience.

Kyle: As we all know, there are two sides to every story, but I think you’ve got a hell of a lot of explaining to do. Why did you leave your two daughters to fend for themselves?

Father: Oh I don’t know- everyone does it.

Kyle: “Everyone does it”. Ladies and gentlemen, there you have it- the most pathetic excuse I have ever heard. With all due respect, sir- and if you don’t mind my saying, that’s very little- what you need to do is get off your backside and take responsibility for your kids!

The audience cheers.

Kyle: Next up on the show, I’ll be talking to the Minami sisters. Ever since their parents vanished, older sister Haruka has had to single-handedly look after her two younger siblings Kana and Chiaki. We’ll be hearing more of her incredible story right after this.

To be continued…

This Week in Anime

Melons!

Aagh, everyone’s turned black and faceless!

“This magic CCTV is sufficient.”

I know this is live action, but who could resist screencapping a car driving through a pile of lemons?

The watermelon overlord plots revenge for all those of his kind who have been smashed open.

“These lemons look as if they’ve been run over by a car.”

Careful, now- apples are the Devil’s Fruit (and not in a One Piece sense).

Here we see strawberries in captivity.

“Yay, giant Purples!”

Okay, I definitely don’t want to eat this…

“Now we take a close up of strawberries in order to observe their social habits.”

Eggplants make a stand for more screentime.

Even Neo Venezia isn’t safe from the fruit.

“Care to try some mushrooms? A man from Sunrise Studio sold them to me.”

“This is just getting ridiculous now.”

“How can you say that? Fruit and anime go hand in hand!”

Okay, so maybe there are reasons why you wouldn’t want to go dancing…

HARD GAY corner: Star Ocean 3

After being stranded alone on an alien planet, Fayt Leingod was more than pleased to be rescued by the muscular arms of Cliff Fittir, who taught him the ways of being a real man. Even so, over time, Cliff was no longer enough, and so on the planet Elicoor II, Fayt began plotting how to recruit more lovers. Despite the interference of women, Fayt was able to catch the eyes of the manly Adray and the bishie Albel- even going so far as to permanently recruit Albel into his party by means of a late night encounter in Peterny Inn. Indeed, with his ‘Blade of Fury’ and his ‘Blazing Sword’, there were few who could match Fayt in the bedroom, but it was his raging libido that gave him the strength to save the universe.

Mini-rant: 50Hz is so damn slow!

It’s time for a bit of a gaming rant this week, as I go into one about the disadvantages of being in the gaming backwater that is the UK. Being the cheapskate that I am, I usually forego importing games in favour of picking up a cheap PAL copy, and all too often, the conversion from NTSC leaves much to be desired. I should be happy, then, that more and more games are offering a 60Hz mode, but it makes going back to 50Hz all that much more difficult.

The biggest offender is- and always has been- Square Enix (or just plain Square back in the old days), who seem to delight in creating poor conversions that make the 50Hz player feel like they’re gaming in some kind of treacle-filled universe. Even the real-time battle system of Star Ocean 3 feels a bit slow under these conditions (especially as I played SO2 at about 100 frames per second in parts), whilst turn-based RPGs like FFIX sometimes seem slow enough that you could do a bit of light reading between turns. Isn’t bad enough that we have to wait so long for games without having to put up with this?

Harem of the week: Okazaki Tomoya (Clannad)

He may not have got any ero-scenes, but Tomoya was still granted plenty of opportunities to add to his harem, as befits a Key lead.

Harem

Nagisa: The main girl and ultimate winner in the after story, her determination belies her weak constitution.

Kyou: The tsundere, and manga’s favourite.

Ryou: Kyou’s sister, the quieter and more amiable one.

Tomoyo: Aspiring school president, she tries to hide her immense strength.

Fuuko: Obligatory loli ghost/projection of a girl in a coma.

Kotomi: Genius girl with a tragic past.

Rivals

Akio: Nagisa’s father, very protective of his daughter.

Sunohara: A friend and almost harem member despite being male, but nonetheless has his designs on the girls in the non-HARD GAY scenario.