It’s been a year of ups and downs, of anime gems and utter disappointments- a year when I’ve alternated between craving more and feeling utterly fed up with the continuing deluge of episodes that take no account of the fact that people might have other things to do than stay in and watch all day. Nonetheless, in true years-end tradition, we must review all the new series in an Annual Round-Up, a project which I meant to periodically update through the year but ended up writing at the last minute again.

As always, red titles are those which were dropped, and blues are the picks of the year. Come back on Tuesday for the New Year Rumble, in which we take a look at the year in the life of Azure Flame.

STILL RUNNING FROM 2006

Asatte no Houkou

The beginning of the year saw the end of Asatte no Houkou, a series that had started as a strong character drama and slice-of-life piece, but lost it somewhere with its slow pacing and plot contrivances. Ultimately, the series was a ‘curate’s egg’, good in parts but sorely lacking in others.
Final words: The series may have been called ‘The Direction of the Day After Tomorrow’, but sadly the plot sometimes lacked direction.

Bakumatsu Kikansetsu Irohanihoheto

Last year, I labelled the emerging Iroha as a tentative pick of the year, but in retrospect, it was more silver than the gold tier it seemed at first. Despite remaining generally enjoyable throughout, the series got mired in a repetitive storyline, numerous historical cameos and an ending that defied sense and explanation.
Final words: Good for those who like action or historical series, but sadly not worthy of entering the hall of classics.

Busou Renkin

Ah, Busou Renkin, a series replete with cheesiness, ridiculous special abilities and Shounen Jump clichés- on the surface of it, hardly something worth writing home about, and yet an important series in its own right. A prime parody candidate, every week of Busou Renkin brought more hilarity than the creators had ever meant to include as Kazuki found himself torn between the worlds of HARD GAY, STRAIGHT and BI.
Final words: I wouldn’t actually watch the series ever again, but parodying it was a lot of fun- blogging hasn’t been the same since.

Le Chevalier d’Eon

At the end of last year, Chevalier was going strong, and it lost very little of its appeal as it moved into its closing episodes. Yes, the ending didn’t make a great deal of sense on close inspection, but with strong characters, worthy action scenes and an unfaltering sense of historical atmosphere, Chevalier remained enjoyable throughout.
Final words: Good enough to parody twice.

La Corda d’Oro

Last year, I had an optimistic view of Corda; this time around, the tale of a Neoromance reverse harem would surely have decent characters and some kind of a plot- or so I thought. Unfortunately, it was not to be- whilst our lead cheated her way through the music competition with a magical violin, the shallow supporting characters and slow pacing did nothing to disguise the general lack of substance.
Final words: Another game adaptation hardly worth writing home about.

Death Note

I enjoyed the Death Note manga, but in anime form, it wasn’t a series that could work for me- the long exposition scenes never seemed suited for an animated format, and attempts to bring the story to life only made Light seem overly theatrical under his red spotlight. After many episodes of thinking “well, the next arc will be better”, I decided to terminate my relationship with the series.
Final words: It didn’t flourish in animated format.

Kanon

As we must all know by now, after the first few episodes, Kanon failed to do much for me- Yuuichi was always too sarcastic and cruel to the girls, who were in turn too one-dimensional to do anything about it. Despite the series’ attempts to tug at the heartstrings, overall it failed to ignite for me, ending up as only another excuse for parody.
Final words: Sad girls in snow don’t make me cry.

Mai-Otome Zwei

Most trainwrecks have the grace to stop and let the rescue crew hunt for survivors, but not Mai-Otome- it just keeps rumbling on. Aside from one or two good action scenes, this whole OVA proved to be a waste of time, introducing a pointless enemy and filling every spare moment with character cameos and fanservice. There was no real reason to expect anything else, but why do I keep getting sucked into this franchise?
Final words: Why do I already know I’ll be watching the next sub-par Otome OVA?

Red Garden

Despite attempts to make its mark with a distinctive art style and a New York setting, Red Garden managed to utterly fail at either the horror or character drama it was presumably aiming for. With four angsty leads who spent most of their time whining or crying and a mystery that dragged on into a totally ridiculous conclusion, Red Garden was a largely dull experience that never rewarded the patience of those who dared to persevere with it.
Final words: Don’t bother with it. Really. It doesn’t get better later on.

Saiunkoku Monogatari

On the strength of its first season, SaiMono established itself as one of my favourites; far from the reverse harem series it first appeared, it actually proved to be an absorbing tale of intrigue, politics and character interaction as one woman chased her dream of becoming her country’s first female official. Of course, the attractive character designs don’t hurt, but to consider this series shallow just because of that would be to do it a great disservice.
Final words: I don’t see why anyone reading this blog wouldn’t have watched SaiMono yet, but if you haven’t, get to it now.

Shounen Onmyouji

A fairly generic tale of a young onymouji being sent to fight the strongest demons just because he happens to be the main character, Shounen Onmyouji was often pointless and rarely very good, but somehow managed to retain interest by having twelve spirit summons who were gradually introduced over the course of the series- and with many of them having little more than a basic appearance, the series even seemed to demand a second season in which to adapt more of the novels.
Final words: Large casts usually work against a series, but in this case it was a draw for an otherwise average series.

WINTER 2006/7
Winter is traditionally a slow month for anime, but could the fledgling 2007 break the curse of the cold months? Sadly, with only a couple of worthy series that were worth following to the end, it seemed that it could not.

Deltora Quest
Despite numerous failures, I’ve always kept my eye out for decent fantasy series, but sadly, Deltora Quest was not one of them. Despite being so packed with cliché and unintentional hilarity that it could have made a good parody candidate, the fact that the series needed to resort to budget saving flashbacks and stills as early as episode four was far from a good sign, and when the next episode proved to be even more dull and uneventful (consisting as it did of answering riddles), the series was quickly shelved, never to be touched again.
Final words: Classic fantasy in anime needs drastic reinvention.

Gakuen Utopia Manabi Straight
School comedies have always been hit or miss for me, and Manabi Straight struck right out in its first episode. With an energetic and clueless lead who somehow becomes school president, Manabi Straight didn’t do a great deal for me, and was quickly assigned to the Recycle Bin.
Final words: Not for me.

Ichigo Mashimaro OVA

Basically a continuation of the TV series, the Ichigo Mashimaro OVA offered three more episodes of Nobue and the girls’ everyday adventures. Despite dragging a little in the second episode, overall the OVA was as entertaining as the TV series, with apt observations and polished delivery and timing turning basic activities into a source of amusement and entertainment.
Final words: A nice coda for a strong TV series.

Les Miserables Shoujo Cosette
As an attempt to adapt the original novel to a fifty-episode series aimed at the younger audience, Cosette seemed determined to make life hard for itself, and the results were appropriately unspectacular. With its emphasis on the Cinderella-esque life of Cosette, the series dripped with twee sentiments and overused plotlines to the exclusion of the good parts of the story.
Final words: Almost painful in its execution.

Maria-sama ga Miteru OVA

Prior to this OVA, I liked MariMite- despite all the angst, it managed to deliver a worthy tale of school life with a sprinkling of HARD YURI. Unfortunately, it was not a format that could make the transition to fifty-minute OVA episodes with any grace- everything became terribly long, drawn out and dull, whilst the HARD YURI content took advantage of its newfound freedom to reach new and unforeseen heights.
Final words: I’ll still be trying season four, but this OVA was a major setback for the franchise.

Nodame Cantabile

The only real noteworthy TV series from the winter season (aside from Hidamari Sketch and Himawari!!, both of which I still need to start), Nodame Cantabile promised to be ‘Honey and Clover with music’, but instead became tantalisingly inconsistent. At times, its insights into its two leads- one a technical genius, the other an intuitive talent- made it compelling viewing, but all too often the off-kilter humour and wacky side characters ruined the mood, whilst an air of Shounen Jump “let’s level up and make the strongest orchestra!” always lurked in the background. Despite these flaws, however, Nodame was overall a worthwhile investment of time, and with the manga still ongoing, a second season would be welcomed.
Final words: Snatches of greatness kept the series appealing even as the wackier elements suggested switching off would be the way to go.

SPRING 2007
Spring is usually the best season for anime, and indeed there were lots of promising contenders right out of the gate. When it came to the long haul, however, which would make it to the finish line, and which would run out of steam?

Bokurano
As readers may know, I love, adore and worship the Bokurano manga, and so I was delighted to hear that it was going to be adapted into an anime…right up until the moment I heard Studio “adaptation trainwreck” Gonzo would be handling it. Nonetheless, I went into the series with an open mind, only to find disappointment with major story changes and a complete lack of tension in the pacing- worse yet, the director himself claimed that he didn’t even like the original! I took his advice and chose not to watch any more.
Final words: If someone tries to pretend this anime even existed, I shall stick my fingers in my ears and sing loudly.

Claymore

I’ve managed to upset many Claymore fans by not rating the manga very highly, but let’s face it- faults aside, I’m still reading after seventy-four chapters and I do want to know how it’s all going to turn out. The same could not be said for the anime, which bucked me off like a recalcitrant horse after a mere eleven episodes thanks to uninspiring characters, dull fight scenes and a washed out colour scheme.
Final words: Give me Berserk any day.

Darker than Black

During its early episodes, I had the highest of hopes for Darker than Black- it seemed slick, well directed and packed with the perfect mix of exposition, mystery and action. Unfortunately, despite such a strong start, the series soon began to flounder, adopting a pacing more suited to a fifty-episode series as it introduced minor characters, packed in last minute explanations and generally failed to live up to those early days. Even Yoko Kanno’s work on the music didn’t seem up to her usual high standard, ensuring that no aspect of the series really lived up to its potential.
Final words: Darker than Black it may be, but it wasn’t better than good.

Dennou Coil

Ah, Dennou Coil, how much more can I praise you? I accept that this series wasn’t perfect, but if you’ll excuse the lapse into informality, it was damn close. Never before has a series so deserved to be lavished with internet praise along the lines of 1337, awesome and w1n, all thanks to an intriguing setting and story, combined with memorable and well developed characters. Mere words alone are not enough to praise this series, which was surely the best offering of 2007.
Final words: I worship at the shrine of Dennou Coil, and encourage others to join.

El Cazador de la Bruja

Better known as “El Caza-bore”, this third instalment in Bee Train’s girls-with-guns series did indeed contain girls and guns, but not in any combination that produced action. Instead, what we got was the most dreary road trip through a version of Latin America that contained only cacti, roadside diners and various other dusty clichés. Just watching all twenty-six episodes was an effort in itself, and one I only pursued for the sake of creating a superior parody version of events.
Final words: You haven’t experienced boredom until you’ve watched El Cazador.

Heroic Age
A series about a character named Age rather than an age of heroes, Heroic Age tried to create an epic setting involving space battles, legendary tribes and the like, but somewhere along the line it all became a dull universe populated by rejects from other Xebec series. With even the cameraman opting to stay well back from the action, there seemed little reason for anyone else to try to examine it closely.
Final words: Another average offering from Xebec.

Hitohira
A series about a shy girl who gets so nervous that she can’t speak (yet somehow gets into the drama club due to her occasional ability to shout), Hitohira was something I stuck with for a mere two episodes, before deciding that it wasn’t going to bring me anything particularly worthy. With forgettable characters and hints of HARD YURI, Hitohira seemed to patch together elements of other series like Tsuyokiss and Gokujou Seitokai- hardly a recommendation.
Final words: Like its lead, Hitohira remained quiet and unnoticed.

Koutetsu Sangokushi

As a fan of the Three Kingdoms era, I was looking forward to a series that would surely present it better than the forgettable 1990s effort- but sadly, despite superior production values, Koutetsu Sangokushi was not to be that series. Although Koutetsu should be praised for focusing on the kingdom of Wu, it loses points for its extreme levels of ridiculousness, from a super-HARD GAY gender-confused cast to the inclusion of special sentai powers for the main characters- somehow I just don’t remember these things happening in the original novel.
Final words: As far as historical adaptations go, this one is just laughably ridiculous.

Lucky Star

A series that attracted both hate and adoration in adoration, Lucky Star did very little for me; I didn’t despise it, but for me it just did very little- episodes would pass by and I would sit in front of them, almost completely indifferent to them. Occasionally I would laugh, but much of the series was just white noise.
Final words: Ichigo Mashimaro and Minami-ke make everyday life amusing, but Lucky Star just rambles on and on.

Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha StrikerS
The first two seasons of Nanoha weren’t great, but they won me over with their attractive character designs and worthy action scenes; sadly, the first thing StrikerS did was to introduce new characters to an already bloated cast and throw out actual battle in favour of training against robots. Whilst the leads were forced to wear limiters to remove their God Modes, everything was left in the hands of the newbies, whilst what had once been a simple world of magical girls fighting evil became tied up in pointless bureaucracy. It may have improved later on, but after six episodes, I bailed out.
Final words: No more Nanoha for me.

Murder Princess
An OVA from Bee Train, Murder Princess told the tale of a princess and a bounty hunter who rather randomly end up swapping bodies, but unfortunately, what looked like it would at least be a mildly entertaining fantasy series was ruined by ridiculous elements such as a mad scientist and his two loli androids. In the end, even a mere six episodes of this seemed like too much.
Final words: Nice character designs, shame about the rest.

Oh! Edo Rocket

With its low profile and childish-looking character designs, Oh! Edo Rocket initially didn’t seem like something worth watching- but how wrong I was. After some positive recommendations, I reversed my position and took the plunge, and it was eminently worth it. A series so crazy that you cannot help but love it, Oh! Edo Rocket is nominally about a fireworks maker trying to create a rocket that can go to the moon, but there is much more packed into it- from secret ‘Men in Black’ with special powers to aliens, monsters and a metric ton of pop culture references. It’s crazy, hilarious, sometimes a little dark, and a cut above pretty much every other anime that relies so heavily on humour and parody.
Final words: If Dennou Coil is the best series of the year, then this one must deserve the silver medal.

Romeo X Juliet

Adaptations come from many sources, but could anime really make something out of a Shakespeare play? Whether or not it could, Gonzo was determined to try, and in their usual fashion, they glanced at the original, threw it out of the window, and created a version that involved magical trees, flying horses and an aerial city that just happened to be named Neo Verona. Despite the general lack of similarity to the original, the series started well enough, and seemed as if it would go down as inoffensive light entertainment; unfortunately, as it progressed, the plot became ever more lacking and ridiculous, whilst the leads hardly inspired one to care for their plight. In the end, it found its greatest worth in the parody arena.
Final words: Romeo X Juliet? More like Ridiculous X Joke.

Saiunkoku Monogatari II

After such a strong first series, was it any surprise that I wanted more SaiMono? Unfortunately, with subs having dried up, I had to go it alone into the domain of raws, which for such a dialogue-heavy series meant relying on Impz and usagijen to help me through. Unfortunately, this approach distances me a little from the action, so that whilst I still enjoy the series and think it is good, it just doesn’t hook me in as it did before. Is it the complex web of storyline that I can’t follow in raw, the introduction of a few too many new characters, or the decision to slow down the pacing a bit to accommodate the fact that the series is catching up with the novels?
Final words: I love it, but I want to spend more time exploring the main characters- maybe a full immersion in the world of the series is what is needed.

Sakura Taisen New York
Having enjoyed the first two Sakura Wars OVAs and the TV series, I felt it was high time to branch out into the later OVAs- only to discover that with New York, I had chosen a poor place to start. With a brand new lead and his harem of shallow girls, this failed attempt to recapture the original Sakura Taisen magic completely and utterly fell flat, forcing me to abandon it by its second episode.
Final words: The original cast cannot be bettered.

Seirei no Moribito

It had the most beautiful of settings, but after a strong early start, that ultimately seemed to be all Seirei no Moribito could offer. Although its slow and tranquil pacing satisfied some, for me it was a case of being a series where not only did nothing ever happen, but it took a long time about not happening. There were a few worthy action scenes, but the rest of the series was drenched in sitting and talking- and so many episodes of static conversation can grow stale.
Final words: Instead of making anime, let’s just sit and talk about it.

Shining Tears X Wind
RPG adaptations are renowned for not being up to much, and when the source material is reputedly “the worst RPG ever” (and its sequel), you can’t really expect much. Even so, Shining Tears somehow managed to achieve new levels of awfulness, with its pointless and forgettable leads, incongruous elements (tanks and lasers in a fantasy kingdom) and general lack of anything that can be praised. I once considered Disgaea to be the worst anime ever, but this series has taken that spot.
Final words: It was a pile of Shining Tears X Wind.

Shinkyoku Soukai Polyphonica

Despite having encountered disappointment with the likes of YoakeNa, I still found myself drawn to eroge and visual novel-based series with worthy character designs- hence my brief relationship with Polyphonica. Unfortunately, even the lovely Corticarte could not disguise the fact that Polyphonica was pretty much entirely pointless filler- and when a beach episode appeared as early as episode three, I knew it was time to bail out.
Final words: Have I learned my lesson this time? I hope so.

SKULLMAN
Skullman, Skullman, does whatever a skull can…sits motionless, on a shelf- well, you get the idea. Based on a retro manga and series, SKULLMAN was not a series well-adapted for life in the twenty-first century, and by its first episode it was already floundering. With spoilers on wikipedia recounting a miserable background and fate for the eponymous anti-hero, it hardly seemed watching any more.
Final words: He’s a man… with a skull for a head! Bet you couldn’t guess that from the title, eh?

Victorian Romance Emma Second Act

The first season of Emma was highly enjoyable, but the fact that it only covered two volumes of the manga left the story hanging. With that in mind, a second season seemed a true blessing, although ultimately it was not one that was handled as well as it could have been. Despite having a further five volumes to cover and only twelve more episodes to do it in, Second Act began with a filler episode, before proceeding to cut out large chunks of the story (although admittedly the manga storyline of Emma being kidnapped and taken to America had seemed a little farfetched at the time). All in all, it was still a highly worthy series, just not as good as it could have been.
Final words: You can’t go wrong with Emma, but this still didn’t quite live up to its potential.

Wellber no Monogatari ~Sisters of Wellber~

The tale of a thief and a princess trying to flee one country and make it to another before a deadline, Wellber was another of those series that didn’t seem to bring anything original to the table, but nonetheless appeared entertaining enough to watch. Unfortunately, elements such as predictable storylines and a talking tank conspired against it, but overall it just managed to pull through as a piece of light entertainment- not least because of the unintentional hilarity that cropped up in most episodes.
Final words: Mildly entertaining.

SUMMER 2007
In principle, summer is when everyone is enjoying themselves in the great outdoors- and so why bother to air much in the way of good anime? Still, given the poor showings of summer 2005-6, 2007 might just have the edge over them with its single digit selection.

Baccano!

With a wealth of named characters and a timeline that jumped back and forth through early 1930s America, Baccano was never the easiest series to follow, and indeed, even now I cannot say I had much of a clue what was going on throughout large chunks of it. Even so, the sheer enthusiasm and attack which the series brought to our screens was so infectious that one could not help but enjoy it- whether it was a tense shootout or just Isaac and Miria getting up to their usual antics, Baccano was always entertaining- and with many more novels left to adapt, hopes for a second season are high.
Final words: Every season needs a good historical series, and this was the summer’s candidate.

Doujin Work

A short series focusing on a young woman who believes she can make her fortune drawing doujinshi, Doujin Work was never going to be anything very special, but despite the budget animation and predictable jokes, it was somehow entertaining. And with the actual episodes running at only fourteen minutes (the rest of the time slot was taken up with a live action guide to making doujinshi), it isn’t a huge investment in time either.
Final words: Light entertainment done right.

Higurashi no Naku Koro ni Kai

After the first season, Higurashi had generally failed to impress, but having embarked upon the franchise, I felt I had to carry it through- a feeling that eroded with every week of watching Kai. Everything just felt so drawn out and over the top, especially Satoko’s situation (I would applaud the series for at least having a go at tackling the difficult subject of child abuse, but then again, is that something I really want to watch for entertainment?). Even the introduction of Hanyu to the mix couldn’t save the plot, and in the end I decided to leave the citizens of Hinamizawa to their miserable fate.
Final words: It fails in the execution.

Mononoke

Having been largely bored by Ayakashi, I approached its spin-off with caution- what if it was more of the same excruciatingly slow pacing? Nonetheless, having watched and enjoyed Requiem from the Darkness right before it started to air, I decided to take the plunge, and although Mononoke did indeed have its weak points, it turned out the be the right decision. With an intriguing lead character, unique art style and slicker direction than its predecessor, Mononoke managed to hit all the right notes for supernatural fantasy. A second season would not go amiss.
Final words: It succeeded because it didn’t have ‘Ayakashi’ in the title.

Mushi-Uta

Call me shallow, but the whole reason I wanted to watch Mushi-Uta was because the title seemed to label it as the bastard son of Mushishi and Utawarerumono. In fact, aside from a masked character who resembled Hakuoro, it bore very little resemblance to either, but after a shaky start, Mushi-Uta finally came up with the goods. Although the mixture of giant bug battles and high school life was often confusing, and in spite of the fact that I could barely get a grip on the characters’ names, the story slowly drew me in, to the extent that I even cared about the fate of a minor character. As with several other series this year, it needs a second season.
Final words: Sometimes randomly picked choices can work out well after all.

Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei

Since the blogworld once had its own Hopeless Sensei, this anime seemed almost destined to be watched, and happily it was a series well suited to SHAFT’s randomness. A classroom comedy with a twist of bleak despair, Sensei was much like any other comedy- funny when it hit the mark, but somewhat random and a little tedious when it didn’t. Coupled with a distinctive high contrast art style, it made the series memorable and unique, but not always for the right reasons.
Final words: Somewhat inconsistent, but with some highly worthy moments.

Tetsuko no Tabi
It’s hard for me to really appraise Tetsuko no Tabi since out of thirteen episodes I’ve only seen a badly subbed version of the first one, but nonetheless I’ll include it for completeness. A series based on actual train journeys, Tetsuko no Tabi had an interesting enough first episode, but without more material to work with, I can’t really form a proper opinion on this.
Final words: Won’t anyone sub this?

Zombie-Loan
DearS never looked promising, and Peach-Pit had already disappointed me with Rozen Maiden, but nonetheless for some reason I just had to try Zombie-Loan. Unfortunately, the series proved to lack much in the way of appeal, coming across only as an inferior version of xxxHOLiC and Tokyo Babylon.
Final words: CLAMP already did it better.

AUTUMN 2007
Like the spring, the autumn is meant to be replete with series worth watching, but let’s face it- Autumn 2007 was a big fat disappointment. Yes, there were some good series, but somehow the preponderance of mediocrity combined with circumstances in the outside world ensured that anime enthusiasm reached new and previously unexplored lows.

Aria the OVA ~Arietta~
For those of us who needed more Aria to keep us going, this brief OVA would have to make do between the long-finished second and upcoming third seasons. There’s not much to say about it, really, other than that it was another gentle and tranquil half-hour of life in Neo-Venezia, and in fact proved to be so worthy that I sat and watched it without even wanting to disturb my concentration by taking screencaps.
Final words: Punyu!

Clannad

I enjoyed Air and disliked Kanon, so it seemed likely that Clannad would fall somewhere in between, and indeed, so far it has. With a more likable lead than Kanon, it immediately scores over its predecessor, but unfortunately there seems to be a limit to the number of “sad girls” stories one person can swallow before becoming a little blasé about the whole thing.
Final words: It’s not bad, but I just can’t fangirl over it.

ef- a tale of memories
Whilst Owen and the others raved over it in their multi-post extravaganza, ef for me was a title that needed to be put on hiatus after episode three- the idea of someone being unable to retain their memories for more than thirteen hours was intriguing, but watching ef felt like following three different series, of which only one was worth following. I shall one day go back and watch the rest of the season in one go, but it wasn’t something where I wanted to put the effort of watching weekly.
Final words: I’ll get back to it…later.

Genshiken II
I enjoyed the first season of Genshiken, and so it seemed a foregone conclusion that the second would strike gold as well- after all, it had the rest of the original manga to work with. And indeed, Genshiken 2 quickly launched back into familiar territory, with familiar situations, character development and the sad realisation that many of our favourite personalities were graduating and moving on.
Final words: Now onwards to the manga.

Gundam 00
After Seed Destiny, my relationship with the Gundam franchise hit something of a rocky patch, so much so that it would take something far better than the usual Sunrise fare to repair it. Sadly, Gundam 00 wasn’t about to do that for me, and after a few episodes of pointless factions and a group who planned to enforce world peace by instigating wars, I decided to put the whole series on the heating element behind the normal back-burner.
Final words: Watching it can wait until 2008.

Hero Tales
With a name like ‘Hero Tales’, it was pretty obvious that this series wasn’t going to be up to much- even the FMA mangaka couldn’t really weave a good story about a boy with a destined sword. After watching an episode to assess its parody potential, I decided that even the gods of parody couldn’t expect me to watch something so boring in aid of a few laughs, and so it was put aside.
Final words: As original as its title.

Kaiji

Series dripping with GAR MANLINESS aren’t usually my thing, but having enjoyed Akagi so much, it seemed only logical to see what Madhouse could make of one of the mangaka’s other works- ‘Gambling Apocalypse Kaiji’. Whilst Kaiji is more emotional and less cold than Akagi, the twists and turns of his story are still worthy viewing- although one cannot help feeling a little sorry for poor Kaiji as his mammoth efforts in trying to win games dreamt up by sadistic yakuza only seem to result in him getting ever more in debt. I fear that twenty-six episodes won’t be enough for this series.
Final words: This series should be shown to everyone who finds themselves in danger of incurring debt.

Minami-ke

Keen for an extra dose of Ichigo Mashimaro, I went forth into Minami-ke, a similar tale about the everyday lives of three sisters. Despite trepidation that it would turn into another Lucky Star, Minami-ke had the required wit and delivery to make it entertaining rather than dull, and already a second season (albeit a retelling rather than a sequel) is set to air this January.
Final words: Forget choco cornets, melon pan and taiyaki, this year’s in-food is cream stew.

Mokke

Ever since enjoying Shrine of the Morning Mist, I’ve been on the lookout for the next entertaining silver/bronze tier supernatural series, and Mokke seems to be it. It may not be anything special, but the episodic tales of a pair of sisters- one who can see spirits, the other who gets possessed by them- has largely proven to make for enjoyable viewing, and the addition of a cat with special powers is just the icing on the cake.
Final words: Bronze tier entertainment.

Moyashimon

As the latest series to air in the vaunted noitaminA block (I know it’s ‘Animation’ spelt backwards, but it still sounds like some kind of vitamin or mineral to me), Moyashimon had a lot to live up to, but fortunately, all it needed was its uniqueness to make it a hit. Unappealing as a series about microbes may sound, when you take into account the fact that to our lead these microbes look rather cute, the whole thing takes on a new dimension; in fact, you wouldn’t go far wrong if you were to watch the series for this novelty alone. Fortunately, the rest of the content is solid enough, even if the characters are a little wacky.
Final words: I never once thought I’d say that I wanted a plushie of Aspergillus oryzae, but I want one.

Rental Magica
Where the search for supernatural light entertainment brought some successes in 2007, it also racked up a few failures, and Rental Magica was one of them. Populated by rejects from other series, Rental Magica seemed sure to at least mildly interest with its episodic tales of a company of magic users solving problems, but apart from a master of cat shikigami, there was little to engage the viewer.
Final words: Something to go back to when you have absolutely nothing else to watch.

Shakugan no Shana II

Even though I enjoyed it at the time, in retrospect the original Shakugan no Shana had a lot wrong with it- not least of which were the pointless and uninspiring villains. Even so, a second season would surely forge ahead into interesting and unknown parts of the novel series- or maybe not. For instead, Shana II decided to diverge into an uninteresting game-based tale that seemed determined to shake off all but the most devout of fans. With last season’s confession revoked and the love polygon once again taking hold, it seemed as if this was one series worth bailing out of.
Final words: There’s completion, and then there’s masochism- watching Shana II was surely the latter.

Sketchbook ~full color’S~

Every year needs a good slice-of-life series, and whilst Sketchbook was not to be in the Aria/YKK class, it was still an enjoyable series, not least because of the high volume of cats and fat chickens contained therein. Although it times it seemed as if it was trying too hard to capture a calm atmosphere that should just come naturally, Sketchbook was still worth watching, and after initially thinking little of the shy and quiet lead, after a while I began to identify with her- all too often I end up thinking a lot more than I actually end up saying (but no more! Now I shall never shut up!).
Final words: Full of cats.

And so, 2007 has shown us both good and bad (much like every year, really) and all we can do is await 2008 and the offerings it shall bring us. See you next year!

Writers’ meeting to discuss Iroha finale

It’s been a few months now, but the ridiculousness of the Iroha finale has caused it to cycle back into the limelight as we try to imagine just what was going through the writers’ heads as they plotted out the last few episodes.

Head Writer: Okay guys, we’ve got to finish up this series about the Lord’s Head- any ideas?

Writer 1: Well, why don’t we stall for time by including cameos of lots of historical characters?

Writer 2: Yeah, that’ll give those history buffs a real kick- seeing their heroes flash on and off screen for about two seconds.

Head Writer: Well, that will stall for time, but we still need to plot a finale.

Writer: Sir, shouldn’t we use the dango before that?

Head Writer: Oh yes, of course.

All the writers sniff some sweet potato dango powder.

Head Writer: Right, I’m starting to see something- a giant final boss castle!

Writer 1: Where does it come from?

Head Writer: Soutetsu summons it- with switches!

Writer 2: Switches?

Head Writer: Yeah- we can’t just have a huge castle appearing out of nowhere- that would be stupid! Instead, he’ll press switches to make it appear!

Writer 2: Okay, but what should happen in the castle?

Writer 1: Boss battles, of course! Soutetsu, Enomoto, Kakunojo…

Head Writer: Not so fast! We don’t really need a fight with Enomoto, so we’ll just have him collapsing on his desk, and as for Kakunojo- well, we’ll let Akidzuki strip her clothes off.

Writer 3: Well, I guess that will work…but what about Soutetsu?

Writer 1: We have to have a boss battle for him, right?

Head Writer: Of course! We’ll have him activate a boss area through switches and then he can fight Akidzuki!

Writer 2: Hey, the dango just gave me a great idea! Why don’t we include some random old men with giant cups?

Writer 1: I see it too! Then they can make a lightning attack that randomly destroys different parts of Japan!

Head Writer: That’s the spirit! Then at the end, the whole thing dissolves into butterflies! It’s the perfect way to get rid of the castle and let everyone live happily ever after.

Writer 1: Sounds good to me. So, is that it?

Head Writer: Yep, that’s a wrap.

Xtreme Harvest Moon: dangerous farming in extreme conditions

Ever found that Harvest Moon is just a bit too mundane and boring for your Extreme Tastes? Want to farm, but need that extra spice to really get the adrenaline flowing? The our new Xtreme series of Harvest Moon games is just what you’ve been searching for! Here are a few examples of what you can expect from this exciting new product line.

• Natural Disaster Mayhem: Every day, there is a high probability that a tidal wave, volcanic eruption, earthquake, heavy snowfall or lightning strike will completely wreck your farm, forcing you to desperately rebuild before the next disaster occurs.
• Washed Away: In this erosion nightmare, your farm is slowly falling into the sea, and you must strive to save your crops and animals each time their fields start slowly slipping away.
• Stampede: Wild animals regularly devastate your farm, forcing you to recruit villagers to shoot them. Dogs can also be raised to savage attacking creatures.
• Political Problems: your farm is in the middle of a war zone! Beware of minefields, air strikes and getting caught in the crossfire.

New Fist of the North Star OVA 3

The generic crowd brush in GIMP was used to create this scene.

“And that, my friends, is how you turn an old curtain into a fully functioning robe!”

“Is this the right way to have Axe?”

2Excuse me whilst I get undressed for HARD GAY.”

“Excellent- and now I shall take you like a man!”

“Oh yeah!”

“Man that feels good!”

“Watching HARD GAY gets me horny!”

“Come on, go a few rounds with me!”

“Don’t you know it’s rude to interrupt other people’s HARD GAY?”

“With abs like these, I can do what I want!”

Short parody: Gundam Seed Destiny

Shinn: Hello, I’m Shinn- I’m the new hero, but I’m upset and angsty because my generic family died.

Athrun: Shut up, Shinn, and let’s make the most of our screen time before Kira shows up.

Shinn: Don’t tell me to shut up! I’m the new hero!

Rey: Shinn, come and service me tonight!

Shinn: Yes, Master.

Rey: I told you to only call me that when we’re alone.

(Rey: I must persuade Shinn that Athrun is evil, lest he leave me for a new partner.)

Shinn: You know, that Athrun guy is pretty hot.

Rey: I don’t know how to break this to you, but Athrun is evil.

Shinn: He is? I hate him!

Lunamaria: Hello, I’m Lunamaria- I’d like to be useful and a good pilot, but I’m a female in a Gundam series, so that can’t happen.

Rey: Stay away from my Shinn, bitch!

Durandal: I must rid the world of anyone less bishie than I. Meer, come and dress up as Lacus for me again.

Heine: I’m Heine- I have no purpose but to tragically die shortly after meeting me!

Athrun: Heine, your HARD GAY was the best! Better than even Miguel! Let’s have a Flashback Mode to remind everyone who Miguel is!

Kira: Everyone, God Mode Kira is here! Bow to my superior skills! Justice! Freedom! Destiny!

(Athrun: Damn, Kira is here to ruin everything again.)

Kira: Special Attack! Bore Viewers With Endless Flashbacks!

The audience is defeated.

This Week in Anime

Alternate futures need alternate fruit.

One is selected for slicing.

“Now, let us bite into it and enjoy its sweetness.”

“Damn, it was bitter! Hated fruit!”

A HARD GAY symbol is outlined against the Moon (Moon!~).

Fruit that doesn’t cooperate is hung out to dry.

Let’s not even ask what this guy is doing.

Monthly Awards

The “I didn’t think it could get better but it did award” for Sheer Brilliance is awarded to Dennou Coil, to be added to its trophy cabinet of plaudits and praise.

The “Back on Track” Award for a Solid Arc Finish goes to Saiunkoku Monogatari, for recovering from its ER phase to give some good character moments.

The Dark Side of Humour for More Unstable Characters than you can shake a stick at goes to Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei, which is still proving darkly funny whenever it gets subbed.

The Mikoto Award for Lots of Cat Shots and Not Much Else goes to the “not bad, but not what it could have been” Darker than Black.

The “I don’t understand it but I like it anyway” award for confusing plot would once have gone to Mushi-Uta, but is now awarded to Baccano!

The Stylishly Supernatural Award for Slow-Paced but Intriguing Stories goes to Mononoke.

The “Finally making sense” award is at long awarded to Mushi-Uta.

The All-New Ultimate Boredom Beyond Any Boredom Experienced Before is shared between Seirei no Moribito and El Cazador, although Romeo X Juliet and selected episodes of Higurashi made a good effort at dullness.

The Mozarella Award for Pure Cheese goes to the laughably ridiculous Koutetsu Sangokushi.

The Mildly Entertaining Award for Middle of the Road series is shared between Doujin Work, Sisters of Wellber and slow-slow Shounen Onmyouji.

The Shameless Repetition Award for Repeating Events goes to Higurashi, for making us sit through slightly different versions of the same events over and over- how’s that for moneymaking?

Anime World Tour: El Cazador de la Bruja

Welcome to Central America as you’ve never seen it before! Ever since Mexico was taken over by the Amigo Taco confederacy, the place has become even more desert-like than ever before, not to mention filled with diners and dull characters of the week! Highlights include an abandoned hot spring, a collapsed mine, an old industrial site, a dilapidated inn and various other ruins! Remember though, touring these sites of interest can be very draining on the stamina, so be sure to stop by Amigo Tacos for a nutritious meal before you go!

This announcement was brought to you by Amigo Tacos- for a taco you can rely on.

OST spotlight: Asatte no Houkou

Mitsumune Shinkichi is often quoted for his work on Rozen Maiden, but he does an equally good job with Asatte no Houkou, offering a soundtrack that blends the light, breezy feel of summer with more poignant and melancholy elements. From skilled piano themes covering a range of emotions, to his trademark wind synths, each track may be short, but overall it builds a quietly magical atmosphere with some memorable highlights.

Notable tracks: Kumikyoku, Hikari no Kisetsu (TV size), Magokoro, Negai Ishi, Gikochinai Fun”iki, Sabishisa, Totsuzen no Wakare, Kokuhaku, Summer Fantasy I

Mini-editorial: Are there titles everyone should see? Are we better off for having seen them?

There seems to be an expectation that once reaches a certain level of anime fanhood, there are elementary titles that one should definitely have seen- such titles including the likes of Akira, Cowboy Bebop, Evangelion and Ghost in the Shell in its various incarnations. Not seeing them is regarded as something of a crime and perhaps even requires a lessening of one’s status- you may have seen four hundred other anime series, but without those core ones, are you truly qualified?

The question is, then- are there certain titles that everyone absolutely must see? Does it really make that much of a difference if you haven’t spent two hours of your life watching a particular movie? Does Evangelion give us an unmatched perspective on all mecha? Does the original Gundam help us see everything as it is, instead of the way our deluded minds wanted to? And, more than that, are these core titles so important by way of quality or message that not to see them would simply be criminal?

Of course, personally I am known for not including the “everyone loves them” series amongst my ultimate favourites, and whilst it can be helpful to use series that “everyone” has seen to get an idea of another fan’s relative tastes and opinions, at the end of the day, there is no anime that is going to appeal to everyone. I can, in principle, recommend the “classics” or my personal favourites, but having watched a particular handful of series or not should not be taken as the be-all and end-all of someone’s “anime fan level”. No one will suffer a grievous loss from not watching Eva or Akira, and indeed, if such things do not even run to their tastes, their time could be better spent elsewhere.

Harem of the week: Manshiro (Mai-Otome manga)

He may have had to dress as a woman, but apparently that just turned some people on.

Harem

Arika: the cheerful bumpkin, liked “innocently” sleeping in the same bed with Manshiro and became his first Otome.

Nina: Manshiro’s second Otome, the intelligent and accomplished one.

Erstin: Third in the year as far as abilities, and first in terms of breasts- Manshiro’s third Otome.

Nao: Enjoying playing in the shower with Manshiro.

Mikoto: “Investigated” Manshiro’s body on the orders of Sergey.

Rivals

Sergey: The villain of the piece; once threatened to castrate Manshiro if he stepped out of line.

Mashiro: The real Mashiro, also villainous.

Amusing Search Terms

romance of the three kingdoms hard gay: Once again, it is indeed.

mai hime manga sex: What manga were you reading?

doujin events for october 2007: Do I look like I even know these things?

sex 23: What is it with the number 23? Is it because Ritsuka’s teacher still has her ears at age 23?

who is antonio in Romeo X Juliet: I laughed at this one.

Amusing Spam

“gay anime…

I”m new to this…”

I wasn’t sure if this one was actually genuine.

“organic toothpaste, natural toothpaste, organic mouthwash, natural mouthwash, organic dental care, natural dental care…

The vital thing to remember is that you will need to be long-suffering….”

Why, are organic dental products especially painful?

“Incest Young Gay Porn…

Sorry, it just sounds like a crazy idea for me :)…”

Then don’t do it.

“We’ve noticed that customers who have expressed interest in “Tokyo Mew Mew Vol. 2: v. 2 (Tokyo Mew-Mew)” by Mia Ikumi have also ordered “Essentials of Genetic Engineering” by S.K. Jain. For this reason, you might like to know that this book is now available. You can order yours for just £51.94″

I wonder, do people who buy the same manga as me get recommendations for physics textbooks?

Soutetsu no Aquarion

Welcome to a brand new anime fusion, one that sees Soutetsu Ibaragi of Iroha take over as commander of the Aquarion team. Obsessed with finding the perfect gattai, Soutetsu invites the bishiest looking teenagers to ride on the Aquarion, but who will be worthy of “riding” with him?

Pilots

• Akidzuki: A moody teenager with the most potential. Said to be the reincarnation of a legendary samurai.
• Kanna: A HARD GAY English boy who is clearly attracted to Akidzuki.
• Kakunojo: One of the rare women on the team- she vies with Kanna for Akidzuki’s affections.
• Shiranui: Not a particularly skilled pilot despite being obsessed with Gattai.
• Ebisu: A secretive pilot with a crush on Kakunojo, provides the obligatory character death partway through the series.

El Cazador del Taco

Forget El Cazador de la Bruja, this season the one to watch is El Cazador del Taco (The Taco Hunter), an adrenalin-filled tale of action, betrayal and oh-so-delicious tacos! Following the abrupt death of Amigo Taco Manager Schneider, his adopted daughter Ellis and young delivery girl Nadie find themselves in possession of his secret recipe for Ultimate Tacos. Chased by jealous former Amigo employees and rival companies such as Rosenberg Snacks, Nadie and Ellis begin a desperate journey south, hoping to protect the secret recipe until it can be delivered safely to the new Amigo Tacos production factory.

Heroic Age

“These wide angle shots are brilliant- it means we don’t have to draw detailed characters anymore!”

“RAGING HARD-ON- Utawarerumono style!”

“I told you training monkeys for battle was a bad idea, but no, you just had to try it!”

“Monster HARD GAY!”

“Is there a battle going on, or is it just the glow of distant fireworks?”

“THIS IS SPARTA!”

“If the monkeys aren’t working, maybe it’s time to get Tom, Dick and Harry in on the action!

“Cameraman, you’re getting too close again! Pull back!”

Random Thoughts: Rin Tohsaka

This week we catch up with Rin Tohsaka of Fate/Stay Night! Rin, did you ever feel annoyed that you had to play second fiddle to an inferior character like Shirou?

We all hated it, of course- having better personalities and character designs than him, but still having to play second fiddle to his pathetic ideas of justice and women taking the back row! Still, I got my revenge in the end, although I can’t tell you the things I forced Archer in order to humiliate him.

What was your motivation behind joining Shirou’s harem?

Purely screen time- I’d do anything just to increase my exposure and thus my fanbase.

Would you mind dishing the dirt on that whole “restoring mana” scene?

Well, since you ask, let me tell you this- Saber’s muscles aren’t just for show. She can go for hours!

And finally, what are your plans for the future?

I’ve been contacted about having an important role in a project called “True Fate” (working title), but I understand the creator is busy with other things, so it’s taking a while to actually come to fruition.

This Week in Anime

Freedom- home of Cup Noodle.

Do you like Cup Noodle?

“We all love Cup Noodle!”

Victory- made possible by Cup Noodle.

Ukyo dispatches an apple on an important mission.

The animators got bored after drawing two brown dogs, and gave up before the third.

“Don’t kill me- I’m an important dog!”

“You look like a common or garden generic brown dog to me!”

“How about a lovely cup of tea?”

Beware- fruit is always watching you.

Game World Tour: Disgaea

Fancy a trip to the Netherworld? Don’t delay because you’ve convinced yourself the conditions will be hellish- we actually have plenty to offer. Make yourself at home in the comfort of Overlord’s castle, where dedicated Prinny slaves will see to your every need. Venture out in the surrounding region to enjoy picnics and day trips, with all manner of exotic wildlife to observe (note: most plant and animal life is dangerous and liable to attack, so be sure to having a working knowledge of armed combat and/or magic before going outside). See how our judicial system works by dropping in on the Dark Assembly, explore the world within an item in the Item World, or just sit back and have your injuries healed by the experts at the Netherworld Hospital (fee required).

For the rare few who find themselves dissatisfied with the service offered in the Netherworld, the Dimensional Gatekeeper offers passage to the heavenly world of Celestia and even a connection to Earth via the Stellar Graveyard.

OST spotlight: Disgaea

Tenpei Sato helps to make Disgaea what it is with his excellent soundtrack, a collection of energetic and slightly offbeat themes, from orchestral marches to an understated lullaby with just the right touch of evil. Not every track hits the mark, with Mid-Boss’s operatic stylings overstaying their welcome, but overall this soundtrack is as quirky, catchy and addictive as the game itself.

Notable tracks: Laharl-sama no Sanbika, Hell’s Whisper, Mischievous Demon’s Footfall, Hysteric Kingdom, A Dark Race Becomes Magnificent, Witch Hunting, Beautiful Round Dance, Tomo Yo, Akai Tsuki, Running Fire, Planet X

Mini-editorial: Gaming- fun or completion?

The question this week is one to be debated just for fun- when you play games, is it more about enjoying them, or playing them to completion so that you can say you’ve finished them and never touch them again? I have to admit that for me, the latter was most important for a while, and even now there are games I persevere with just for the satisfaction of knowing they are finished, but even so, the end of the “First Gaming Era”taught me that collecting and playing games just for the sake of it soon ends in disillusionment and disinterest. And after all, whilst it seems all too easy to fall into this frame of mind (especially as you are equally likely to lose interest in a game if your relationship with it drags on for too long), if you aren’t enjoying yourself, why are you spending your spare time playing games anyway?

In Your Reflection

This week we have a head-to-head between two feisty blondes- Shinku of Rozen Maiden and Rozalin from Disgaea 2. Aside from their predilection for gothloli style dark red dress, both are headstrong females who find themselves bound to the male lead via a contract, and who wish only to meet with their mysterious fathers.

Fashion Police: Cloud

Since it’s beginning to get hard to find visual resources for Arc Twilight of the Spirits, I’ve decided to move on and take a look at another fashion-starved RPG- Final Fantasy 7. First up is the lead, Cloud, and whilst he may not look too bad at first glance, there are many things we must question. Why the baggy trousers? Why the one-sided ugly tin-plate should guard? Why the lack of sleeves and pointlessly spiked gloves (they look pretty stiff, for one thing)? And most of all, why would anyone strip the dead body of their best friend and put their clothes on?

Fashion sense: D-

Amusing Search Terms

who will tenchi marry: so far, no one

romeo gay anime: He’s more into HORSE than HARD GAY, to be honest.

“SchoolMate”: ???

Asking where you can find Mai Otome Zwei: will earn you six demerits.

hard gay soldiers: That’s every soldier, then.

ROMEO AND JULIET – FREE MOVIE PICK: I pick none of them.

hard might gai otakon 2007: I don’t really recall mentioning Otakon.

man watches horse do girl: you sick pervert.

how to draw cute anime dogs: start with Potato.

bathing scene rpg: Do you really want to go to all the effort of bathing scene tilesets and sprites? Just watch a fanservice anime or something.

cross dressing anime blog: Just for the record, I don’t dress as a man.

“boss audition”: audition now and you too can be a boss!

anime blog hard: Work hard, play hard, blog hard.

bondage action figures: admit, tj, you searched for this.

rahxephon ecchi: “Would you like to see my ‘RahXephon?’”, he whispered, pulling down his trousers.

hige and blue: Bluebeard?

tenchi airship: there was an airship?

manga+cats+girls: equals manga catgirls.

Busou Renkin penis episode: although we never saw them, they were never far from the thoughts of our characters.

akane girls nude: more nudity, eh?

inspire me: why should I?

an anime that is happy: I recommend Happy McHappy’s Tale of Happiness.

beyblade hilary show breast: this is more disturbing than the other Beyblade searches.

sexy anime: “Call me Queen”.

after yaoi and yuri love: Next is…BI?

get backers gay?: Afraid so.

Shion’s Salon

Customer welfare is our highest priority at Shion’s Salon.

Welcome to Shion’s Salon, where a Higurashi style facial awaits! Experience face masks that will gently exfoliate your skin with hydrochloric acid, whilst we remove unsightly facial blemishes like your eyes, nose and lips! Observe as we whiten your teeth- after extracting them to better clean those hard to reach places! Enjoy our special needle massage, complete with free body piercings!

Once you have enjoyed your session at Shion’s salon, be sure to stop and relax in our spare stone cells, free from comfort and distraction. When the time comes to pay, we don’t even need money, for you can just as easily settle your debts by offering up your own limbs.

Book a place at Shion’s Salon today- we guarantee that your next of kin will be delighted with the service you receive!

Another satisfied customer.

Extracts from the Book of HARD GAY: Who to sleep with in SaiMono World

Shi Ryuuki: As the emperor, Ryuuki is a master of elegant and refined Sword. Said to swing both ways and be experienced in the ways of BI.

Shi Seiran: His royal blood makes him another master of Sword; however his time in exile has taught him rough and intense methods. He is able to satisfy any lover, but prefers Ensei.

Ran Shuuei: Knowledgeable in all kinds of esoteric techniques, he gets annoyed if he is not allowed to be dominant in the bedroom. Rumours claim he has mastered BI as well as HARD GAY.

Li Kouyuu: Hates women to the extent of specialising in HARD GAY. Sessions with Reishin have made him used to being submissive, but he would never openly admit that on a first date.

Rou Ensei: A rough yet passionate lover, his specialty is Staff. He works best in a group session with Seiran.

To Eigetsu/Yougetsu: A quiet and submissive lover, Eigetsu has learned his HARD GAY techniques from books rather than experience but still offers a pleasing experience for shota lovers. Feed him alcohol to turn him into the rough, aggressive and dominant Yougetsu.

Kou Shouka: His eyes are permanently closed, but he has hidden talents in the bedroom that belie his near-generic appearance.

Kou Kurou: A rigid lover who prefers standard HARD GAY techniques- not one to experiment.

Kou Reishin: A demanding lover who insists on having it his way. He likes to be called pet names in the bedroom, such as “Uncle”.

Ran Ryuuren: An eccentric lover with a fondness for trying out new fetishes; he is good for a one night stand, but shies away from long term relationships by mysteriously disappearing. A master of Flute lessons.

Kou Kijin: His mask opens at the mouth in order to better facilitate certain techniques, yet his beauty and skill is such that full HARD GAY would cause his partners to die in the throes of Pleasure.

Hyou Riou: Rumoured to be much older than he looks, Riou combines looks with experience. The lack of females in his clan means that he has mastered every possible HARD GAY technique, but he now hungers for BI.

Heki Hakumei: Still young and learning the ways of HARD GAY; somewhat angry and frustrated that the leads get more than him. Approach with caution if aiming to seduce.

Sa Enjun: A practised lover, even after his death he offered Pleasure in spectral form.

Shou Taishi: He may look old, but he can turn into a young man when Pleasure is in the offing. Take advantage of his years of experience.

Sou Taifu: A rough and aggressive lover, he likes to play bedroom games and has been known to cool the libido of an over-eager lover by throwing them into a pond.

Sa Chuushou: A chair-bound man who prefers the standard methods of HARD GAY; becomes enraged if not allowed to be dominant.

Sa Soujun: Only one step above a generic in terms of looks and technique; his Spear is adequate but he often insists on smashing wooden objects during the act of Pleasure.

Sa Sakujun: A skilled BI lover with a penchant for trying out dangerous new techniques in order to appeal to his jaded palate. Likes to savour the moment, to the extent of sometimes taking years to reach a climax.

Sa Kokujun: A weakling who only recently learned the ways of HARD GAY, he has picked up knowledge from Ensei, Eigetsu, Seiran and Ryuuren, and combines their skills into an inferior product. He is currently being indoctrinated into the ways of STRAIGHT by his wife, and so he may not be available anyway.

Sai Shou: A shrewd lover who only ever gives 80% of his full capabilities in the bedroom.

Tei Yuushun: He may look generic, but he has hidden skills that have been known to bring more powerful men to their knees.

Highlander: Search for Vengeance

“Explosions mean nothing to me- even if they are in mid-air!”

“Ah, a convenient landing point; laws of physics- suspend!”

“You don’t see this sort of thing every day now, do you?”

“Let us settle this on the wing of my plane with some efficient German Gun.”

“Mine is most definitely bigger than yours!”

“Why are bars always filled with seedy looking people? Why can’t I go and look for information in a more reputable establishment?”

Early Sword and Axe is glimpsed.

“Take this- Four-Way Spear!”

“Get this naked woman off me- I only need men!”

Random Thoughts: Soutetsu Ibaragi

After our interview with Akidzuki was published, we were contacted by Iroha’s Soutetsu Ibaragi, who wanted to set the story straight on some of the things Akidzuki said.

As the scriptwriter for the series, can you justify the series finale?

Everyone blames me for that, but I was under pressure from Sunrise to include certain ideas they had come up with during a particularly intense dango session. If you ask me, I did rather given the constraints- I had to keep the butterflies and switches in, but I was able to talk them out of the giant mushrooms.

I almost wish we could have seen that. Did you deliberately limit Akidzuki’s role to prevent the main character’s ego from getting out of hand?

Akidzuki was the main character? I always approached the series as if I was the lead.

Well then, moving on- what’s so great about BI anyway?

I can’t believe that you would question the worth of BI! It is the ultimate form of Pleasure, far beyond mere HARD GAY or STRAIGHT. BI is filled with techniques and possibilities beyond the comprehension of the mere generic- it is truly the future!

Okay, okay- so out of all the Iroha characters, which did you most want to sleep with?

I always had my eye on Akidzuki and Kanna of course, and Hijikata was a solid experience. To be honest, though, there was no one really capable of matching my prowess.

And finally, what do you think of plans to create IrohaWarriors and Iroha Tactics games in RPG Maker?

I hope I will be asked to have some creative input, and also made the strongest character.

This Week in Anime

“By the power of apples, I shall defeat thee!”

“And raise you by two bananas!”

Haseo takes on a new role as a cast member in Gunbuster 2.

Only apples can cure the pain of this washed out animation.

Persimmons continue their ascendancy.

HARD GAY corner: Gundam Seed Destiny

Desperate to quash rumours of their HARD GAY relationship, Kira and Athrun agree to separate and play at being STRAIGHT with Lacus and Cagalli respectively. Naturally, they cannot keep it up forever, with Athrun being the first one to crack when he returns to ZAFT to enjoy HARD GAY with up and coming young men Shinn and Rey.

Jealous of their HARD GAY, female pilot Lunamaria and sister Meyrin try to steal Athrun for the BI side, as does Lacus impersonator Meer Campbell. Athrun is saved from temptation by the appearance of semi-bishie male pilot Heine, but when he dies he becomes slowly disillusioned with the HARD GAY in ZAFT, eventually choosing to return to Kira’s arms.

Later, Shinn tries his own BI with Extended Human Stellar, and even falls prey to Lunamaria’s charms, much to Rey’s disgust. Fearful that his lover might actually turn to women (or worse yet, long for Athrun’s superior charms), Rey manipulates his partner with the promise of advanced HARD GAY techniques passed down by the bishie Chairman Durandal.

In time, however, both Rey and Durandal die, and Shinn, now bereft of partner, is forced to watch as Kira and Athrun have wild, passionate HARD GAY.

OST Spotlight: Windy Tales

The magic of Windy Tales can be instantly invoked by the power of this soundtrack alone, a collection of gentle piano, wind and synth that stands just as well on its own as in the context of the series. Admittedly, at times, it threatens to become a little too much like filler “muzak”, but overall the OST remains on just the right side of good, proving easy on the ears rather than dull or grating.

Notable tracks: Kaze no Hajimari, Kaze no Keiji, Kazaetachi no Kyuusoku, Kazetachi no Fuan, Kaze to Humming, Tsumetai Minamikaze, Fuujin no Ibuki, Koi Natsukaze ni Notte, Yuuhi no Iro Dake

Mini-editorial: Do we really want anime to become mainstream?

To some anime fans, it is a long-cherished dream- a world where every passing stranger knows what anime is; where DVDs and manga can easily be found in any store for bargain basement prices and merchandise litters the streets. On the surface, it may seem like a glittering reality of promise, but there are those of us who have to ask ourselves- is that really what we want?

Naturally, I’m not one to be averse to cheaper and more readily available legit goods, but I have to admit to a degree of selfishness on this point- personally, I would be happy if anime never broke into the mainstream. Yes, I know this makes me a terrible person, but it just happens to be the way I feel; there’s just something about having a hobby that isn’t infested by every bandwagon-jumping random generic out there who wants to don a pair of cat ears and scream “kawaii” every five minutes. Yes, it would be nice to have the odd real life discussion with someone who is more than an “I saw Evangelion on the Sci-Fi Channel once” fan, and it would save on explaining what anime is every time you end up in a situation where you admit to liking it, but still those initial reactions persist.

This resistance is, of course, a personal thing, but it doesn’t just come out of the blue- time and again I’ve found myself turned off franchises because of the excessive hype, and the endless shoving of them down my throat. Once, I felt fairly benign towards Harry Potter, for example, but years of cosplaying siblings and endless, pointlessly expensive merchandise has caused me to view the whole thing with emotions ranging from annoyance to disinterest. Even games which I once enjoyed lose their lustre when younger family members start continually talking about them, watching YouTube related videos and the like.

Ultimately, then, am I just pretentious and egotistical for wanting anime not to break into the mainstream? Quite probably, but aside from wanting a few tweaks, I’m happy with the way things are now. Long may we continue in a world where little kids aren’t all wearing Naruto t-shirts and throwing plastic kunai at us.

In Your Reflection

This week we see a face-off between three characters from both Code Geass and Gundam Seed- that’s right, it’s time to formally acknowledge on here that Lelouch, Suzaku and Euphemia are Athrun (with a hint of Shinn), Kira and Lacus. Yes, we’ve all known for ages, but they still deserve a brief mention in this spot.

Fashion Police: Delma

It can be hard to find appropriate clothing to wear when your skin is a hideous shade of pink, but alas, Delma makes all the wrong choices. Her lower legs and forearms are at least covered, but the scarcity of clothing elsewhere is somewhat undesirable, and relying on a purple loincloth is a big no-no- what if it comes undone in battle?

Fashion sense: F

Amusing Search Terms

Old favourites: buso renkin tokiko nude, hard yaoi, auditionsea perfect hack

darker than black nude: Did you know that Mao is naked in every episode? Now that’s extreme!

dot .hack//g.u. hentai doujinshi: Haseo X Endrance, I can see that going down.

school rumble yaoi: Or how about a spot of Harima X Hanai? Come on, we all knew that tension between them was a sign that something more was going on.

rpgmaker loli game: who gets turned on by loli sprites?

will beyblading become real: Yes- yes it will.

extreme mahjong: Beware, it’s Mahjong to the X-treme!

can beyblade kill: Yes, so don’t watch too much at once- it’s a slow and painful death akin to taking an overdose of paracetamol.

• Kureha: despite the unfortunate association with Shining Wind, I cannot help but want this.
• Himawari: I didn’t want this at first and it’s not normally the style of figure I like, but she’s just so brightly coloured, cute and energetic.
• Shenhua: the big ears are distracting but I love the costume and pose.
• Fasalina: Okay, so the boobs are totally unrealistic but I must have it- nothing shall come between me and getting this figure.

Emma parody dub: extracts

With the news that Emma has been licensed and will be released in sub only boxsets, it becomes clear that there is room for something else on the DVDs- a parody dub. Let’s take a look at what those crazy US companies might just include.

William: Yo, what’s up, Emma my girl?

Emma: Yo Bill, not much. Wanna hang out down at Crystal Palace later?

William: Sure thing, honey.

Hakim: Discount sale at Kwik-E-Mart!

Eleanor: This is such a bummer- my Bill has eyes for some maid!

Annie: Let’s teach her a lesson, boss.

Eleanor: Right on!

Bokurano alternate universe spin-offs

Welcome to a new moneymaking scheme designed to milk as much out of Bokurano as possible! In each spin-off, we focus on what might have happened in the lives of the characters if they had never become Zearth pilots.

• Waku: experience the thrills and spills as he hones his soccer skills in a desperate attempt to get into the major leagues. Will he ever play in the World Cup?
• Kodama: Now several years older, Kodama is the ruthless owner of his father’s company. Can his cruel streak ever be softened by his beautiful secretary?
• Daichi: Join him as he struggles to support his siblings through an increasingly intense schedule of assorted part-time jobs, all the while trying to get an education.
• Nakama: Can she get her fledgling needlework business off the ground, or will it all end in disaster?
• Kako: Now an adult, Kako is a lackey for the Yakuza- can he break out of the criminal underworld, or is this his ultimate fate?
• Chizu: Also an adult, Chizu must struggle with bringing up her child as a single mother whilst working in a police department designed to help women who have been the victim of rape.
• Moji: Explore the love triangle between him and his childhood friends as the trio grow up and find themselves at the same high school.
• Maki: Experience her adventures as she and her little brother get into all sorts of scrapes and mischief.
• Kirie: In the future, Kirie has put his past behind him and reinvented himself as a suave and successful playboy, but will the truth of his school days catch up with him?
• Komo: Join her as she attends music college and gives it her all in an increasingly difficult set of competitions.
• Anko: Anko has finally managed to become an idol, but is the life she dreamed of all it is cut out to be?

Shining Tears X Wind 7

Souma arranges a schedule for TANK.

“Ah, this is the life- two women to service me and I don’t even need to stir from my oversized chair.”

Somehow, Souma has earned his own office.

He’s even up to the level of mediating disputes.

Even so, it pays to have a backup job, such as playing Naruto’s understudy.

Who fancies some giant Cannon?

“This Sword is absolutely not here to compensate for any Ezo I may or may not have.”

“Oh, okay, maybe it is.”

Shinkyoku Soukai Polyphonica 2

“If you won’t join us for group Pleasure, I’ll give you a painful hand job!”

Random Thoughts: Akidzuki

This week we get up close and personal with Akidzuki from Bakumatsu Kikansetsu Irohanihoheto! Akidzuki, did you ever feel that you were short-changed as the main character due to a general lack of dialogue and development?

Of course I do, although I was lucky enough to earn myself some fangirls anyway, so even though my part in the series wasn’t much of a stretch beyond the action scenes, it wasn’t a total loss in terms of raising my profile. Now that the series is over, I might as well admit that scriptwriter Soutetsu did offer me a bigger role, but only if I promised to give him BI- which of course I wasn’t prepared to do.

We know that much of the series saw you looking for a HARD GAY partner- why didn’t you give in to BI more easily?

I did have BI a couple of times over the course of the series, but it always seemed to end in disaster. In the end, I think it’s best to stick to your principles; even if it means you have to go without in the short term, it’s better in the long run.

How can you justify the ridiculousness of the series finale?

Soutetsu was always one to leave turning in the next episode’s script until the last minute, and in the end I think he was just casting about for ideas that would fill a few pages, regardless of how much sense they made. I just showed up and played the part I was given to get paid- you’ll have to talk to Soutetsu if you want to know more.

What are your plans now that you’ve set sail for Europe?

To get as much HARD GAY as possible, of course- and maybe star in another historical series if I can.

And finally, what do you think of plans to create IrohaWarriors and Iroha Tactics games in RPG Maker?

I’m in favour of it, although I hope I get a decent role.

This Week in Anime

Bank of Scotland becomes moneylender of choice for the modern anime character.

Domino’s Pizza launches counterattack against Pizza Hut.

How about a lovely cup of tea?

Apples make their move against humanity.

Persimmons patiently await their turn in the spotlight.

Anime World Tour: Angelic Layer/Chobits

Welcome to the world of Angelic Layer, the near future with a twist. Buy your own angel and accessories and compete in Angelic Layer tournaments, then let your imagination set the limits as you telepathically control in a fight for victory! Feel the intense pride and honour of beating 4-11 year olds at a children’s game! You know you want to!

Alternatively, travel a little further into the future to avoid the Angelic Layer craze and pick up on even more advanced technology in the form of the persocom. She looks like a girl, but she’s packed with high end operating systems- you’ll never have to choose between laptops and women again!

OST spotlight: Victorian Romance Emma Second Act- Memories

If you liked the first Emma OST, then this one is a must, offering as it does more of the same. With its range of melodic piano and beautiful folk and Celtic style themes, Emma is always easy on the ears, and even the tendency to remix the main themes cannot detract from its quality.

Memorable tracks: Silhouette of a Breeze (Celtic version), Curiosity, Rondo of Lilybell (Harpsichord version), Molders, Rondo of Lilybell

Mini-editorial: Are paid for download services ever going to catch on?

Services such as iTunes may have revolutionised the legal music downloading scene, but when it comes to anime, can it do the same? Will we one day eschew the humble DVD and its successors for hard drives filled with anime, all obtained legitimately- or is that just never going to happen?

For the more hardcore of anime fans, the prospect of paying to download must surely jar with the knowledge that if they look hard enough, they can probably get much the same thing for free, and probably several months earlier at that. Aside from those motivated by conscience, curiosity, or fans who remain blissfully unaware of the shadier side of “acquisition”, there may well be little genuine, long-term interest in such services.

Even those of us who are willing and able to buy legitimate copies of our favourite series may simply not be satisfied with just having copies of the file sitting on our computers. If you’re going to hand over money, there’s a desire to be given something tangible in return, which is where DVDs come in. Even now, I prefer to have an actual CD than a mere downloaded album, and the same goes for DVDs- if I’m paying for it, I want something I can hold in my hand, preferably with some nice cover art and an insert booklet to go with it. Yes, there are issues of storage once the collection gets too massive, but that’s something that can be dealt with one way or another.

Harem of the week: Isurugi (801 TTS Airbats)

His secret shame was that he was an otaku, but when he got transferred to an all-girl squadron, none of the lovely ladies seemed to care.

Harem

Miyuki Haneda: One of the two main rivals, tries to act like a demure lead girl but can easily roused to argue or compete with Mitaka.

Arisa Mitaka: The hot-head and second of the two main rivals, not afraid to say her piece.

Yoko: The young and slightly eccentric one.

Sakura: The older woman and calmest of the group.

Fashion Police: Maru

Apologies for the small, low-resolution picture, but give the state of Maru’s dress, the Fashion Police simply could not spend any more time looking for better photographic evidence of his crimes. A prince of a distant land who somehow ends up living in a forest, Maru may own the opposition when it comes to his archery skills, but his dress leaves a lot to be desired. Aside from the fact that he is effectively half-naked, the baggy shorts are most unflattering, and the mask he occasionally wears should have been throw away when Halloween was over. The item bags aren’t exactly high fashion either, but at least it explains where he puts his items, a change from most RPG characters.

Fashion sense: F

Amusing Search Terms

bishounen troll: beauty and the beast in one package

ＡＺＵＲＥ Coherent: A coherent wave of azure light.

final fantasy 7 yuffie materia annoying: Isn’t it just?

gender bender doujin: Always with the doujins.

Romance of the Three Kingdoms Oil Painti: You can’t move for oil paintings on this blog.

saiga rifle performance: His rifle performance is pretty solid.

“keep me hanging on” cicada: Cicadas can now be trained to chirp out songs.

final fantasy 7 hi res npc: high resolution NPCs? Shouldn’t you be more concerned with the main characters first?

mai otome yuri scene: “Shizuru bent down and lightly nipped Natsuki’s ear. ‘Stop working already,’ she huskily whispered into her lover’s ear, ‘and come and show me a good time, hot stuff.’”

novastorm historical setting: Join the Novastorm blog as it goes back in time on an exciting adventure!

spiky character Shonen Onmyoji red hair: Suzaku?

Rumble fight hacks: er, yes…

jouya kanou: ???

gay azure: Azure is a colour, I don’t know if it can be gay. “Sorry, red, but I’m attracted to other shades of blue.”

gay chibi: There are chibis for everything.

BeyBlade Friendship between Tokyo &: There is no Tokyo! Only America.

mai otome doujins: I’m only interested in the fat cat ones.

ANIME GAY TV: A whole channel devoted to HARD GAY.

lesbian yuri: What other kind of yuri is there?

beyblades season 3 kai: You write one article about Beyblade, and suddenly everyone thinks you’re an expert on it.

what busou renkin character are you?: Generic Bystander #3.

spoiler for episode 26 of vampire prince: If you mean Vampire Princess Miyu, then [XXXX] turns out to be the villain.

Ryouun: Well, it looks like she isn’t dead- in fact, you could say this whole side story about her getting attacked was rather pointless.

Shiranui goes outside.

Shiranui: Why is my storyline given so little priority? Why wasn’t I the lead? More importantly, why is there a giant Lord’s Head in the sky?

Using the power of HARD GAY, Akidzuki penetrates the BI barrier protecting Final Boss Castle. From his boss chamber, Soutetsu watches.

Soutetsu: Excellent, the final level has begun! Now I will eradicate the last remnants of HARD GAY and usher in a BI future!

Akidzuki faces off against numerous generics.

(Akidzuki: I hope the old rules still apply to main characters, otherwise I won’t survive this.)

He starts giving them Sword.

Enomoto: Gwakaka, can you really oppose the will of BI with your puny HARD GAY?

Akidzuki defeats the generics, only to find himself thrust straight into a boss battle with Kakunojo.

(Akidzuki: Wait a moment, I didn’t even get the chance to save and heal.)

Akidzuki: You may be a woman, but I don’t have to hold back! If you want to be seduced by me so badly, then so be it!

Akidzuki starts giving Kakunojo Sword, skilfully stripping off her clothes layer by layer.

(Akidzuki: Hmm, I could get used to this.)

Kakunojo returns to normal.

Enomoto: No, don’t leave me! Feel the Pleasure of the Lord’s Head once more!

As Kakunojo becomes overwhelmed by the Lord’s Head, she seems about to give Akidzuki Sword.

Kakunojo: No! I don’t want this sort of raw, intense BI anymore!

At the last moment, Akidzuki uses Blade Grab to cancel Kakunojo’s attack. He sends his HARD GAY energy through her to purify the BI from both Kakunojo and Enomoto.

Enomoto: AAAGH! Why can’t I at least get a proper boss battle?

Enomoto collapses face first onto his desk and dies. The Lord’s Head leaves him.

Kakunojo: Akidzuki, I’ve learned my lesson- women were never meant to have Sword. Take mine, and use it to increase your attack stat for the final boss battle.

Soutetsu approaches the Lord’s Head.

Soutetsu: Everything I have done up to this point has essentially been meaningless, but now it is time to take on the Lord’s Head and become the final boss!

Soutetsu takes on the Lord’s Head, begging the question as to why he didn’t just do that in the first place, causing the BI level to rise. The old men who delivered the giant cups laugh.

Old Man #1: Gwakakaka, this is great! …Why are we here again?

Old Man #2: Who cares? Let’s usher in a new world order by randomly destroying parts of Japan!

BI lightning cuts across Japan, destroying random NPC houses.

Soutetsu: In the name of final bosses everywhere, I swear to get rid of this rotten world and replace it with a brand new one!

Akidzuki arrives.

Akidzuki: Soutetsu, I knew you were committed to BI, but this is ridiculous!

Soutetsu: Say that after you have tasted my blade.

Soutetsu draws his Sword and screws on a longer handle.

Soutetsu: I think you’ll find that mine’s bigger than yours.

Akidzuki: Maybe so, but I have two.

The two men go outside to a specially prepared final boss arena. AKidzuki tries to give Soutetsu Sword.

Soutetsu: Now, now, this won’t do- activate Convenient Switch #81!

Soutetsu depresses a switch that just happens to be by his feet, causing the boss arena to rise up.

Soutetsu: If you want to prove that HARD GAY is superior, try giving it to me now!

An intense Sword battle begins.

(Soutetsu: He’s not bad, although not as good as me, of course.)

(Akidzuki: My gaydar is registering off the charts! Time to bring out my second Sword!)

Akidzuki draws his other Sword and stabs Soutetsu, infecting him with HARD GAY energy and pushing out the Lord’s Head.

Akidzuki: Time to do what I couldn’t do in episode one! Double Sword Attack- seal Lord’s Head!

Akidzuki attacks the Lord’s Head with both swords.

(Lord’s Head: AAAGH, it’s episode twenty-six! I can’t make a convenient escape to come back later!)

The Lord’s Head disintegrates and Final Boss Castle starts falling back to the ground.

Soutetsu: Thank you, Akidzuki- you freed me from my uncontrollable desire for BI, and showed me that HARD GAY has worth after all. If only I could have been strong as Ryouma, who didn’t need the aphrodisiac powers of the head.

Soutetsu slips into Flashback Mode.

Ryouma: The Lord’s Head? I don’t need something like that to attain Pleasure.

Soutetsu: Are you saying that you and I can’t be BI lovers?

Ryouma: I’m afraid not, for whilst I have dabbled in BI, HARD GAY will always be my first love.

Soutetsu: Ah- that truly is a shame.

Ryouma: Ibaragi, you must be careful- if you don’t put your Zhuge Liang down once in a while, the effort of having so much BI will crush you.

Soutetsu: I’m sorry, but I need constant BI.

The Flashback Mode ends.

Soutetsu: Ryouma must have known the intense power of the Head, and how it could make BI so powerful and dangerous. And now that I have had just enough time to say my last words, I can die.

As Soutetsu dies, Final Boss Castle turns into butterflies for no logical or readily apparent reason.

Two months later, the survivors are all living happily. Having put aside his Swords, Akidzuki bids farewell to Kakunojo as he prepares to go to Europe.

Kakunojo: The troupe and I will be waiting for you to come back and have BI with us whenever you’re ready.

(Akidzuki: As if I’m going to come back to Japan for BI when I have European HARD GAY to sample!)

Kakunojo: Oh, by the way, it’s essentially irrelevant, but Yuuyama Kakunojo is only my stage name. My real name is-

The whistle of an approaching steamer interrupts her.

Akidzuki: Yeah, whatever- you can tell me next time I see you.

(Akidzuki: Like I care, although I suppose it gives the viewers something to think about.)

Akidzuki departs on his journey.

The end.

Kanna: I am finally free! Kakunojo has cleansed me of my hatred of BI and need for outdated HARD GAY, and so I am finally free to experience heights of Pleasure I never knew before!

(Akidzuki: You fool, your Gun will never be a match for my Sword!)

Their intense session continues, with both men wounding each other. They fall into the sea.

Meanwhile, Kakunojo continues to give group BI to the people of Ezo, whilst Enomoto uses Evil Stare to activate a powerful Cannon to kill the enemy.

Kakunojo: Individually, you all may have Ezos, but together we can create a BI strong enough to overwhelm our opposition!

Inside Final Boss Castle, Enomoto continues to stare, whilst Brunet talks to Soutetsu.

Brunet: I must say I’m not impressed, Soutetsu- this place is full of Ezos and I’ve barely had a line to say in weeks! As the scriptwriter, I expected more from you.

Soutetsu: I can’t help it if your character design is uninspiring and your BI is poor. You were only in this series to fulfil the requirements of history, anyway.

Brunet: That’s it! I’m out of here.

Brunet departs from the series and goes back to France with little fanfare; meanwhile, a surprisingly dry Kanna staggers back to bask in Kakunojo’s BI aura in his final moments.

(Kanna: Even though it always betrayed me, BI was secretly my true desire- I’m glad I got to have it in the end.)

Later, Ootori talks with Soutetsu.

Ootori: I understand that Katsu was one of your BI lovers, Soutetsu. I hope you’ve broken up with him by now, though, as he is too well endowed to be an ally of Ezo.

Soutetsu remains silent. Elsewhere, Shiranui and Kotoha walk home, only to be ambushed.

Generics: We hate named characters! Die!

Shiranui: Take this! Umbrella and Blowdart attack!

Generic: Aagh! How dare you use an umbrella on me?

Shiranui: Fine, then I’ll give you some Sword.

Shiranui kills the generics with Sword, but Kotoha has already been severely wounded.

Kotoha: Don’t blame Soutetsu for writing the script; he had to do what the studio wanted.

Shiranui: TAYUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Lianged men of Japan take over most of Ezo’s territory, but the final boss castle remains firm, protected by magical red lightning attacks.

(Kuroda: Damn, it’s no good- only a main character can take this on.)

Soutetsu meets up with some old men.

Old Man: We have brought you the interior decorations you ordered in the Ikea sale- five giant cups.

Soutetsu: Thank you- they were too good a bargain to pass up.

The old men begin filling the cups with BI aura, causing the whole castle to glow with BI power.

Kuroda: Damn, I’ve had enough of waiting for the main character! Charge!

Kuroda’s men shoot at the castle, but are unable to penetrate the BI aura; in response, the castle sends out waves of intense Pleasure, incapacitating them. From further away, Akidzuki approaches the castle.

(Akidzuki: What is this Pleasure? My gaydar’s going off like crazy!)

(Kakunojo: I sense a HARD GAY disturbance close by.)

The Final Boss Castle sends out magical tornadoes and tsunamis to defeat the enemy. Only Akidzuki, with his main character immunity, is able to get close.

(Akidzuki: I have replenished my HP and used the last save point outside- now the time has come to challenge Final Boss Castle.)

Akidzuki runs towards Final Boss Castle as it begins to rise up. A giant Lord’s Head appears in the sky and laughs evilly.

To be continued…

(Hijikata: By placing a personals ad, I might actually find a man who is interested in good old HARD GAY.)

Hijikata: Hey, Tetsunosuke, wouldn’t you like your photo taken too?

Tetsunosuke: Sir, placing an ad is just too embarrassing.

Hijikata: Hmm, well I suppose you don’t need a new partner anyway, since you already have me.

Hijikata goes inside to see Akidzuki.

Hijikata: Sorry for the wait- is this room okay for HARD GAY?

Akidzuki: Of course it is- I can’t thank you enough for agreeing to have HARD GAY with me.

Hijikata: It’s for my benefit as well, seeing as everyone else around here has so readily adopted BI. I just hope Soutetsu and the others don’t find out about this.

AKidzuki and Hijikata have some HARD GAY before settling down to dinner.

Hijikata: Akidzuki, I realise that this might seem rather sudden, but I was wondering if you and I could become regular partners. I don’t want to force you into a relationship, but to be honest, I can’t see that you have much choice in the matter.

Meanwhile, various generic soldiers continue to give each other Gun and Cannon. Being so small, the Ezo men are soon overwhelmed.

Hijikata: Generics with Ezos may not be able to stand up to enemy, but just wait until they taste my mighty Sword!

Hijikata charges into the enemy to give them Sword, and is rewarded with a custom white HORSE for his efforts.

Whilst Spirit of BI Kakunojo rouses the Ezo men, the troupe looks on.

Zagashira: I can’t help feeling our part in the plot is over, but even so, I cannot give up any small chance at screen time that I might have.

Elsewhere, three merchants show up to service Soutetsu, Enomoto and Ootori (Historical Figure #1).

Ootori: Thank you for coming- although I must say that your BI is a bit too slow for my liking.

Merchant: I think you’ll find that our timing was well within regulations- we do this for a living, after all. Nonetheless, if you are dissatisfied with our performance, you need not pay this time.

Ootori: Pay? How dare you treat the sacred act of Pleasure like a mere business transaction?

Later, Ootori meets with some underlings.

Ootori: We must make a point by destroying those who would dare charge for Pleasure?

Underling: Aren’t we just doing this because we’re too poor to pay for Pleasure?

Ootori: Shut up!

Underling: But what will Enomoto say about this?

Ootori: Bah, Enomoto never says anything- he just stares.

Enomoto uses Long Distance Evil Stare to infect Ootori and his men with desire. They duly go out and have fatal BI with the merchants.

Merchant: Wait, we’ll do anything you say- for free!

Underling: It’s too late! Kill them all, even the women and children- this is BI, after all!

As the merchants are slaughtered, one underling goes to give fatal Sword to a little girl, but Akidzuki magically shows up to stop him.

(Akidzuki: This type of BI is sick- time to show them some real HARD GAY.)

Zagashira and the troupe also show up, causing the underlings to run away.

(Underlings: We must get far away before they start putting on a play!)

Zagashira: Akidzuki, what are you doing in the middle of BI?

Akidzuki: No time for explanations. Here, take care of this girl I randomly rescued- I can’t be seen with women.

The next day, the surviving merchants are bound and paraded through the city whilst Ootori has HORSE.

Ootori: These men actually tried to charge for Pleasure, when here in the Ezo Republic it should be given freely to anyone who wants it!

The crowd cheers, until Hijikata arrives to disrupt the proceedings.

Hijikata: You sicken me- too cheap to even pay for BI.

Ootori: Shut up, or face the wrath of my new Evil Stare!

(Hijikata: That’s it- I’ve had it with this republic and its BI Ezos!)

Hijikata rides off to confront Enomoto.

Hijikata: Lord’s Head, reveal yourself and let me defeat you!

The Lord’s Head rises up out of Enomoto.

Lord’s Head: You fool- not only are you not the main character, but this is only episode twenty-four! How can you possibly think I could be defeated at this early stage?

Hijikata: Do you mean to say that even my Sword with its ridiculously long name won’t be enough?

Soutetsu arrives.

Soutetsu: What are you doing here? How dare you interfere with my carefully written plot?

Hijikata: You call that carefully written?

Soutetsu: That’s it- you can forget about getting any BI from me!

Hijikata goes to give Soutetsu Sword anyway, but Enomoto uses Evil Stare.

Enomoto: Get out, Hijikata- you will never again have Pleasure with us.

Hijikata leaves, and meets with Tetsunosuke.

Hijikata: There’s no point denying it any longer- I’ve had enough of trying to be BI. Contact my brother and Katsu, and ask them if they’re interested in HARD GAY with me.

Testunosuke: Sir, I could also give you-

Hijikata: Sorry, but you were just a desperation partner- I need a real man now.

Tetsunosuke cries.

A month passes, and the generic soldiers continue to give each other Cannon.

Soutetsu: We are almost to the end of episode twenty-four, and that means it is time for the final boss mission.

Bathed in BI aura, Enomoto and Kakunojo stand at the top of a tower.

Enomoto: Switch on! Create Final Boss Castle!

Inexplicably, Goryoukaku turns into a massive final boss castle.

On the battlefield, Hijikata encounters a Dynasty Warriors style gate, and gives vicious and fatal HARD GAY to all the warriors that emerge.

(Hijikata: Fools, you are merely nameless generics- no match for my named character power!)

Hijikata proceeds, only to encounter Kanna.

Hijikata: Kanna, once you and I both desired pure HARD GAY- what happened?

Kanna: BI is my destiny now.

Hijikata and Kanna start having Pleasure, but Kanna manages to fatally wound Hijikata.

Hijikata: Damn…I know the history books said this was my time to die, but why couldn’t I have been the main character?

Hijikata dies just as Akidzuki arrives on the scene.

Akidzuki: Why did you have to kill my only HARD GAY partner, Kanna? Now I will have to relieve my desires with you.

Kanna: Be my guest- be it HARD GAY or BI, I always look forward to Pleasure with you.

The two men prepare to have Pleasure.

To be continued…

Parkes: Your BI is awful- simply awful! And as for you, Kanna- I should have never let you handle my Liang! I’m thoroughly disappointed in all of you!

On deck, Kanna contemplates his watch, whilst Queen gets drunk.

(Kanna: How dare Parkes say such things about me? My Liang is far more Zhuge than his!)

(Queen: To lose my brother was one thing, but to have my BI insulted like this is awful!)

Kanna: Queen, I’m sorry. Maybe if I had been less reluctant to join in the BI, this wouldn’t have happened.

Queen: The only lover I ever wanted was Rook. We spent so many years perfecting our twincest, and now he is gone!

Kanna: You may think you have problems, but I have a tragic back story too! All my life, women have betrayed me- even the Queen herself has abandoned me now. Is it any wonder that I cannot trust BI?

Queen: Then let me show you how good BI can be.

Queen and Kanna give in to their desires, and have BI. The next day, they are re-energised, and so Kanna has Hyper Self Pleasure and Queen tries CRATE.

(Queen: I thought my sex drive died with Rook, but now I can’t get enough of it!)

On deck, Bishop and Knight also try Hyper Self Pleasure.

Knight: I guess this is all we have left now- certainly it won’t be easy to find any new partners.

Bishop: I’m ready to combine our skills for a closed BI session.

Kanna: I too have recently discovered the joys of BI- let’s go and show Enomoto just how skilled at Pleasure we really are.

In town, Akidzuki overhears generics talking about the quality of Enomoto’s BI.

Generic: I don’t care what they say- Enomoto’s Ezo and Kakunojo’s Sword are all you need for the ultimate BI!

(Akidzuki: What’s happening? Is there no one left who appreciates HARD GAY with a decent Liang?)

Two generic soldiers walk past.

Generic: Hey, I picked up this personal ad- it seems some guy called Akidzuki is looking for a partner.

Generic #2: Everyone wants a partner these days- it’s so exhausting.

Outside the city, Akidzuki finds himself consumed by HARD GAY aura.

(Akidzuki: I must find a partner now!)

Meanwhile, Soutetsu and Enomoto are having a meeting when Hijikata arrives.

Hijikata: Soutetsu, let’s not beat around the bush anymore. I want you, and I’m sick of the fact that you never show your Liang to me.

Enomoto: Perhaps the time has come to show it to you, then.

Soutetsu: Indeed, although I prefer not to do it here. Let’s go to my special bedchamber.

Soutetsu pulls back the rug and opens a hidden trapdoor. The three men go downstairs.

(Hijikata: This is it! The Pleasure I have been waiting for!)

They reach an underground chamber, with a raised platform.

Hijikata: What is this?

Soutetsu: Our bed, of course.

Hijikata: Will Enomoto be joining us, or is he just going to stare like he always does?

Enomoto becomes infused with the power of the Lord’s Head.

Enomoto: Are you saying that I’m afraid to get my Ezo out?

Soutetsu: Enomoto may only have an Ezo, but he also possesses the Lord’s Head- a powerful aphrodisiac. I can assure you that his Pleasure will be almost as good as my own. Now come, let us begin the session.

Hijikata: Ridiculous! Aphrodisiacs are no match for a decent-sized Liang! I’m not going to have BI with a small man!

Enomoto: We shall have BI!

Soutetsu rips the bed cover off.

Enomoto: Now everyone, get in!

When Hijikata still doesn’t move, Enomoto pushes the bed into the floor.

Hijikata: This is…

Soutetsu: That’s right- now the whole chamber is our bed!

Suddenly, Queen appears to give the men arrow.

Queen: You can’t call it BI unless there’s a woman involved!

Hijikata: Stay out of this! I’m trying to seduce Soutetsu!

Soutetsu: I will only consider you worthy if you first demonstrate your skill against this woman.

(Hijikata: Damn him- now I have no choice but to have BI with her.)

Hijikata gets his Sword out, only for Bishop to appear and give him Grenade, followed by Knight.

Knight: My Sword has been released from its duty- now I can sleep with whoever I want!

(Hijikata: Oh well, at least he’s a man- and he has two Swords!)

Hijikata and Knight begin having Sword. Their HARD GAY is so intense that the screen flashes red, breaking Knight’s Sword and taking his life.

(Hijikata: Damn, he wasn’t ready for the intensity of my desires.)

Soutetsu: Well done- you might be worthy of my bed after all.

Meanwhile, Bishop tries to have Grenade with Soutetsu.

Soutetsu: I am not interested in such inelegant Pleasure.

Soutetsu dodges and gives Bishop Sword from behind.

Soutetsu: Convenient Switch #1, on!

Soutetsu treads on a switch, causing the bed to rise up into the sky, with Bishop on top.

Soutetsu: Stay there, boy, and I’ll teach you a thing or two about real Pleasure!

Bishop: No way, you sadist!

Bishop jumps off.

Soutetsu: Did someone mention sadism? Convenient Switch #2, on!

A chain appears from nowhere and loops around Bishop’s neck, strangling him as he falls. He gets a Dagger out.

Soutetsu: My, my, what an unimpressive Dagger- I think our little session will have to come to an end. Convenient Switch #3, on!

The chain is pulled back up to wherever it came from, taking Bishop with it.

Whilst Enomoto continues to stare, Kanna confronts him.

Kanna: This is it, Enomoto! I’ve recently mastered BI, and I’ve come to show you how good my Pleasure can be!

Enomoto: Really? You’re welcome to take me- if you can.

Kanna tries to give Enomoto Pistol, but Enomoto’s BI aura deflects it into the wall.

Enomoto: Hmm, it seems you are too weak to penetrate me. How disappointing.

Kanna continues to try Pistol, but it keeps being deflected. Next, Queen tries Crossbow.

Queen: My years of BI experience must count for something!

Sadly, her Crossbow is also destined to miss.

Hijikata: Kanna’s over there! I must taste his Pistol for myself.

Soutetsu: Stay here with me and watch Enomoto’s mastery of advanced BI techniques- you might even learn something.

Enomoto: Flash Steps!

Enomoto continues to dodge Queen’s Crossbow whilst approaching Kanna.

Enomoto: That woman is going to dump you, you know. Be it HARD GAY or BI, you’ve always had poor choice in partners.

Queen’s Crossbow breaks, and she runs away.

Enomoto: You see? She doesn’t want you- she doesn’t think you’re good enough! Why don’t you show her just how good your BI really is?

Kanna: Yes…I must…

Hypnotised by Enomoto’s word, Kanna gives Queen fatal Pistol before coming to his senses.

Kanna: What have I done? I killed a meganekko!

(Hijikata: Look at him getting so emotional over a woman.)

Enomoto: Activate previously nonexistent elevator!

Enomoto flips a switch, and the floor under the survivors’ feet rises up, taking them to ground level. Kakunojo, still dressed as the Spirit of BI, approaches Kanna.

Kakunojo: Kanna, you have had some bad experiences with BI, but I can show you how wonderful it can be. Look, I even have a Sword.

Kanna: Mistress, I’ll do anything you say!

(Hijikata: What is this? Even Kanna has wholeheartedly turned BI!)

Enomoto gives Hijikata an Evil Stare.

(Enomoto: You cannot escape BI now, Hijikata, and as soon as night falls, I plan to give you a good taste of my Ezo!)

Later, Hijikata approaches Akidzuki.

Hijikata: Akidzuki, it may be too late for HARD GAY- BI has become too powerful.

(Akidzuki: I will never accept that!)

To be continued…

Hijikata: Akidzuki, I must thank you for giving me some good old HARD GAY, but I’m not sure if bringing you here was the right idea. This is a land of BI and Ezos, neither of which are to your tastes.

Akidzuki: Don’t worry about me- there’s always Hyper Self Pleasure to fall back on. Just promise me that you won’t try to make me have BI with you.

Akidzuki leaves, and walks through the streets of Ezo men trying to pick up women for BI, until he finally finds solitude in the hills. A blizzard blows around him

(Akidzuki: This cold blizzard will help me put my desires to one side for a while.)

At the hospital, Tetsunosuke and Kakunojo have quick BI. Tetsunosuke stares at his hands afterwards, just as Ryouun enters.

Ryouun: What’s this? Have you finally discovered the joys of BI?

Tetsunosuke: O-of course not! Men are all I need.

Meanwhile, Shiranui is working at a BI café.

Shiranui: So, what can I get you ladies?

Woman: I’ll take whatever you recommend, handsome.

Woman #2: Hey, I asked him for BI first!

Woman: Wait your turn- I asked first!

Shiranui: Now, now, ladies- save your energy for the bedroom.

Kotoha enters.

Shiranui: Tayu! I, er, totally wasn’t cheating on you with these other women.

Kotoha: Nonsense- it’s good to see you polishing your BI techniques with new partners.

Woman: She’s so attractive- maybe we should ask her for HARD YURI instead.

Shiranui: I’ll never understand women.

Boss: Trust me, boy, you should just stick with men.

(Shiranui: Oh well, at least I have the upcoming group BI with the troupe to look forward to.)

Whilst the rest of the troupe starts setting up the location for the group BI, Ezo comes under attack from enemy soldiers.

Enemy Generic: Such small men cannot be allowed to live and dilute the gene pool!

Whilst the enemy soldiers commence Gun and Sword with Ezo generics, the Historical Figures hold a meeting.

Historical Figure: I thought the cold weather would put off our better endowed enemies from trying HARD GAY with us. Some of them are so large that it could be quite distressing if they took us from the rear.

Enomoto: We came here so that our Ezos would not be laughed at! I won’t tolerate men with proper Liangs making fun of us- I must destroy them all!

Hijikata: I’ll go too.

(Hijikata: This could be my chance to get proper HARD GAY with the enemy Liangs- I’m sick of all this Ezo BI!)

Whilst Enomoto, Hijikata and their soldiers ride out, Soutetsu has quick HORSE before visiting Kakunojo.

Soutetsu: Kakunojo, it is time for you to play an important role in the plot. Here is what you must do.

Meanwhile, Akidzuki’s gaydar is triggered.

(Akidzuki: HARD GAY in a land of BI Ezos? I can’t afford to pass this up!)

As the generic soldiers continue fighting, Hijikata and Enomoto show up.

Generic: This is the chance of a lifetime! We can have HARD GAY with Hijikata and Enomoto!

As the HARD GAY becomes more intense, Akidzuki runs towards it, his Sword drawn. When he arrives, Enomoto uses Evil Stare on him.

Akidzuki: Your glare won’t work on me! I’m desperate for some good HARD GAY!

Akidzuki rushes in to give Enomoto Sword, but Kakunojo arrives to block him with her sword. The two collide in a burst of Pleasure aura that knocks away many generics.

(Kakunojo: BI is your future, Akidzuki!)

Enomoto: Gwakakakaka! Gwakakakaka! Gwakakakaka! Gwakakakaka! BI will always surpass HARD GAY!

(Hijikata: Is a BI-soaked world really what I want?)

(AKidzuki: I can’t stand to be near this much BI.)

As Akidzuki runs off, Enomoto introduces himself to Kakunojo.

Enomoto: Welcome to the team, Kakunojo- with you on our side, we can have great BI.

Soutetsu: Helping us create a new world of BI is your destiny. You must even convince Akidzuki himself that BI is the true path.

That evening, Enomoto practises staring at the sun until nightfall.

Enomoto: The time for BI is now!

Everyone cheers. Meanwhile, Kakunojo, now dressed as the Spirit of BI, addresses a crowd.

Kakunojo: The time for BI is now!

(Enomoto: Now, which lover should I choose tonight?)

Enomoto: The rulers of old chose HARD GAY as their preference, never realising that the people longed for BI! We were laughed at for our Ezos, ridiculed for wanting BI, but no longer! Now we will fashion our own types of Pleasure!

Kakunojo: For the sake of this country, let us all have BI!

Whilst a BI orgy begins, Akidzuki is alone, having Hyper Self Pleasure.

(Akidzuki: I may have tried it once or twice, but that was a mistake! I will never, ever accept BI!)

To be continued…