(UK readers, a new series of the real Dragons’ Den begins next Monday at 9pm on BBC2.)

Welcome to our regular feature based on the TV program of the same name, in which anime characters try to market their great idea to five fat cats of anime! President Aria made his fortune in the gondola industry of Neo Venezia, and is now CEO of a well-known company. Mikoto started her business in the capital of Wind Bloom, and is now a trusted advisor to the queen, with business partners scattered across the world. The Admiral’s first business venture was to invest in a Chinese restaurant, but a meteor threat to Earth saw her buy shares in ground and space based defence technology, which she currently administers with her protégé “The General” (aka Shogun). Mr Tibbs started his career as a tea cat for the bank, but his sound grasp of finance saw him rise up the ranks until he became one of their most prominent managers. Finally, The Cardinal is the world’s most powerful fat cat, with a wide range of business interests that ensure that he has a paw in every pie (often literally, depending on his appetite). These five cats represent some heavyweight investment clout in every sense of the word, but is any deal attractive enough to get them to roll off their backsides and shake paws with a budding entrepreneur?

Making his way to the Den today are Himitsu’s Aoki and Maki, who are here in an attempt to franchise the device used at their workplace- the MRI scanner! Will the Dragons be interested in this revolutionary new application of the technology that enables the user to probe the minds of the dead?

Aoki: Hello, I’m Aoki-

Maki: Shut up, Aoki- let me do the talking. My name is Maki, and I’m here to pitch for investment in our new franchise centred on the MRI scanner. With this device, we can scan the brains of the dead and see the same images they did.

Mr Tibbs: Can I just ask you something- why are you dressed as a woman?

Maki: Er, it’s for a mission.

Aoki: Hey, I thought you said it was for a special treat later.

Maki: For the last time, Aoki, shut up!

Cardinal: The good thing about the dead is that they can’t reveal my secrets, er, I mean any crucial secrets. I most certainly won’t be investing in this.

Aria: Punyu? [Could you perhaps explain the science behind this? I don’t really understand how magnetic resonance imaging lets you see the thoughts of the dead.]

Aoki: Well, uh, neither do we-

Maki: That’s a trade secret! Look, is no one interested in seeing through the eyes of a dead person?

Mikoto: Well, no one ever dies in Mai-Otome- no one important, anyway- so it doesn’t make much difference. I’m out.

Dodgy science and a lack of application have lost most of the Dragons already. Will Maki and Aoki be able to rekindle their interest?

Admiral: So, you’re looking to sell this as a franchise?

Maki: That’s right- you pay us large wads of cash, and then we give you your own kit to start scanning dead brain.

Admiral: And how will the franchisee actually make a profit?

Maki: That’s up to them- we can’t be expected to think of everything!

Admiral: Well, I think I speak for all of us when we say that you’re sloppy, unprepared and unimpressive- I’m out.

Mr Tibbs: Maybe if you ditch Aoki, dress like a man and get a solid business plan, I’d be tempted to invest, but until then, I’m out.

It’s a disaster in the Den for Aoki and Maki, who will have to return to their day job at Section Nine- and no, that’s not the Section Nine with the lovely Ms Motoko Kusanagi.

Amatsuki 7

Kuchiha suggests STRAIGHT with a splash of DOG.

“Everyone knows that boys sleep with other boys.”

“Fine, go and be HARD GAY with your boyfriend!”

“I just can’t bear the thought of turning STRAIGHT!”

“Well, couldn’t we at least try some BI?”

“Now, let’s wash away all talk of STRAIGHT and BI with some good old HARD GAY.”

Don’t you just love moments like these, especially if they’re in slow-motion?

“What kind of rough HARD GAY is that?”

“You were the one who told me to get into it!”

Anime Big Brother

Big Brother: The time has come for me to read out the nominations for eviction. For being too stupid, we have Wil and Aoki; for being too stoic, Doumeki and for threatening to devour all the housemates, we have Heat. One of you will be leaving at the end of this paragraph, but for now, would you like to share a few words with your audience?

Doumeki: You can’t evict me without Watanuki- who will cook my lunch?

Watanuki: Why, you-!

Wil: I’m not stupid, I’m top of my class!

Allison: Then why can’t you tell I’m in love with you?

Wil: Sorry, Allison, did you say something?

Aoki: Oh, I’m up for eviction- oh well, back to the crossword. Hmm, three letters- “four legged animal that goes ‘moo’”. There’s a ‘C’ at the beginning- any ideas?

Heat: Shut up! I’ll devour you all!

Big Brother: Thank you. And now, the housemate who will be leaving is….Heat!

Heat transforms into Agni, roars and beats his chest.

Big Brother: In Heat’s place, the next person to join the Big Brother house is Maki from Himitsu! Look forward to it!

(Aoki: It’s as good as Sister, but hopefully he’ll bring his cross-dressing kit.)

This Week in Anime

Is that some kind of apple in the bottom left hand corner?

“NOOO!!! Don’t turn us into juice!”

We learn how the rubber duck came to the Hidamari Apartments.

Take note here, because these represent the strawberry cakes of doom that appear in Antique Bakery.

“All hail Tequila, our new god!”

Healthy cigarettes…

…amazing make-up…

…is there nothing these products can’t do?

Tomatoes are caught lounging on the vine.

Handling four Zhuge Liangs can be exhausting.

“HARD YURI only from here on.”

An epic tale of a boy with a monkey tail who gains shinigami powers and uses them to found his own pirate crew.

“But don’t worry- it’ll be pleasurable.”

Hey, who’s been eating the watermelon?

Here we see the legendary apple shrine.

Banana overload!

Mmm, tasty.

Aagh, a rubber duck of doom is floating silently towards you! Get out of there!

Faceless returns.

“You saw the legendary Golden Wang?”

Classic PC games: Alley Cat

As a cat lover, the chance to play as a cat couldn’t be passed up, even if it meant turning to a rather inferior and frustrating game. You take on the role of the titular alley cat, and your first goal is to avoid being eaten by dogs by jumping onto the dustbins on your street. From there, you must avoid more obstacles try to get into an open window, wherein a mini-game will commence within the rooms. These games usually involve avoiding more dangers, with one in particular requiring you to collect fish underwater without running out of air. Once the game is over, you get chucked outside again, but persevere and you might just find love with a lady cat. The graphics are simplistic, the game frustrating, but Alley Cat is nonetheless one of those titles that stick in the mind just for sheer effort.

In Your Reflection

In the latest of the increasingly rare head-to-heads, we compare Renton and Eureka from Eureka Seven with Seikichi and Sora from Oh! Edo Rocket. In both cases, we have a hot-headed and determined young man who defies the authorities, and the mysterious female love interest with a very special secret.

We’ve considered this crossover before, but now is the time for the Mai franchise to take another step towards world domination with Mai-Undine! In Neo Venezia, aspiring Undines must learn to harness their gondola power in order to defend their respective companies from attack. Complete with fat cats, transformation sequences and those infamous gondola battles, Mai-Undine is the one to watch this summer!

Tsubasa Chronicle OVA1

“Well, I’ll break that promise as and when the plot demands.”

“Seeing as you’re so useless when you’re awake and all.”

“Is it a Zhuge Liang?”

“Better get our Swords out just in case.”

“The only thing that’s large and powerful around here is in my trousers.”

“If it’s HARD GAY you’re after, we’re CLAMP bishies, so expect plenty of it.”

“Well, that’s our evening sorted, then.”

“Some people have wanted her to sleep for the whole series.”

“Time for more Sword!”

“To interfere would be to spoil the plot- and anyway Fei Wong is going to kill me off shortly.”

Is this a hint that the Infinity Arc will be animated?

The Jintarou Kyle Show

Kyle: Welcome back to the Jintarou Kyle show! Before the break, we spoke to Tenma and Yakumo, two sisters living on their without their parents. Now we turn to a new family in the same situation- the Minami sisters! Everyone, please welcome Haruka onto the show!

Haruka enters.

Kyle: Your sisters are backstage, Haruka, but before we hear from them, we’d like to talk to you. Is it true that you’ve been put in the position of head of the family, even though you’re still in high school yourself?

Haruka: That’s right. I have to do all the cooking and cleaning for the family- I even gave up a chance to go abroad because I knew I had to stay and look after them.

Kyle: And where do you get your money from?

Haruka: Our parents did leave us some money in the bank, but it’s running low now- if they don’t come back soon, I’ll probably have to start looking for a job.

Kyle: Hasn’t it always been your dream to finish high school and go onto college?

Haruka: Yes…

Haruka starts crying.

Kyle: Now, let’s welcome Kana and Chiaki on the show.

Kana and Chiaki enter.

Kyle: You’ve just heard everything Haruka had to say backstage. What do you think of the situation?

Chiaki: Haruka-neesama, I’ll do everything I can to help you. I don’t want to be a burden. You’ll help too, won’t you, Kana?

Kana: Yeah, maybe.

Chiaki hits Kana.

Chiaki: Idiot!

Kyle: I think the situation in anime Japan is shameful! Parents leaving their children home alone for months and years at a time! But here at the Jintarou Kyle show, we’re here to right all the wrongs of the world, one family at a time! Haruka, we’ll do what we can to track down your parents, and help you realise your dream of going to college.

The audience cheers.

Kyle: Join us next time on the Jintarou Kyle show for “Forced to Pilot a Giant Robot- even though I’m only in junior high!”

This Week in Anime

Will the Harvest Moon nightmare never end?

Melons!

Oranges!

“…No…”

Fat cats on a diet? Has the world gone mad?

Bananas!

Apples evolve to the next level.

Aika is caught staring at Al’s bum.

As the devil’s fruit, it’s no wonder apples can lure people to hell.

Note the apples on the left hand side.

To be fair, I haven’t learned the lambada, but something seems a little wrong here.

Could this be the world’s Zhugest Liang, recreated in bread?

If this doesn’t look dodgy, I don’t know what does.

“He’d give me all types of Pleasure, no matter how kinky.”

“I may prefer peaches, but an apple a day keeps Doctor You away.”

“I’m sick of this all apple diet!”

“Sorry, but there are more apples in the fridge.”

“Who keeps fruit in the fridge?”

Classic PC games: Jazz Jackrabbit

Basically a Sonic clone for PC (complete with 3D bonus levels), Jazz Jackrabbit was a fun platformer that was actually somewhat easier than the game that inspired it. Unlike Sonic, Jazz could take multiple hits and came armed with some of the most powerful weapons a hare has ever wielded, from rapid fire missiles to rubber explosives- all necessary for his multi-planet crusade to defeat the evil turtles and rescue the hare princess.

Unfortunately, like so many games of its era, the shareware first episode was easy and enjoyable, but the levels in the full version were much harder and less satisfying. Even so, I will go back and finish them some day- perhaps.

Mini-editorial: Perfection vs. enjoyment

All anime viewers are searching for that holy grail- the perfect series that can make the likes of Aria and Dennou Coil look merely adequate. Along the way, however, we tend to watch a lot of incidental titles (crap, if you will), and sometimes the question must occur to us- isn’t it okay to watch a poorer series just for the entertainment factor? Must we always be highbrow and only watch those series with true merit, or is it okay to indulge in the guilty pleasure of a poorer series that nonetheless makes us smile? Should we hide the fact that we actually quite liked at least parts of Inukami, Dirty Pair Flash, MagiPoka and so forth? Will it make our anime habit less shameful if we pretend we’re only in it to appreciate high art? Then again, who care what we do with our spare time?

In Your Reflection

Too lazy for pictures; to be edited in later.

It’s time for the first head-to-head in a while, as we compare Slayers’ Amelia with Disgaea’s Flonne. Both operate as part of an eclectic bunch of ‘heroes’, and each has an obsession with justice and righteousness, with specialty skills in white magic.

E-card: the new gaming phenomenon that’s taking over the nation
Forget Pokemon, move aside Yu-Gi-Oh!- a new card game is in town! The kids will just love E-card, a high stakes gambling game brought to you by your good friends in the yakuza! In each E-card starter set, you get a deck of cards containing Citizens, an Emperor and a Slave card, as well as special accessories to affix to your eye and ear! Gamble too much, and the pin in the accessory will penetrate the eyeball or eardrum, permanently damaging the organ. Bet against fellow players for big money, and remember- what’s a sensory organ or two amongst friends? You can play again and again and again with our special E-card sets!*

*Please wash eye and ear needles between use. Note that we cannot accept returns on used E-card sets.

Harvest Moon Ninomiya

Today we’re here to introduce a special game to you- Harvest Moon Ninomiya: Let Me Eat It!

As per usual, you have a supporting character to guide you through the tutorial section.

One new innovation in the game is the requirement of checking every single grain for quality before planting or shipping.

Cows can be kept outside in a custom-made pasture.

Sheep are also available.

New to the Harvest Moon franchise are pigs.

The game designers decide to bring us “pigs like you’ve never seen them before”.

Unfortunately, this is the only way to handle the pigs until you can afford a slaughterhouse.

Ah yes, and where would we be without the obligatory Liang joke?

Dragons’ Den: Celestial Brush
Welcome to a new feature based on the TV program of the same name, in which anime characters try to market their great idea to five fat cats of anime! President Aria made his fortune in the gondola industry of Neo Venezia, and is now CEO of a well-known company. Mikoto started her business in the capital of Wind Bloom, and is now a trusted advisor to the queen, with business partners scattered across the world. The Admiral’s first business venture was to invest in a Chinese restaurant, but a meteor threat to Earth saw her buy shares in ground and space based defence technology, which she currently administers with her protégé “The General” (aka Shogun). Mr Tibbs started his career as a tea cat for the bank, but his sound grasp of finance saw him rise up the ranks until he became one of their most prominent managers. Finally, The Cardinal is the world’s most powerful fat cat, with a wide range of business interests that ensure that he has a paw in every pie (often literally, depending on his appetite). These five cats represent some heavyweight investment clout in every sense of the word, but is any deal attractive enough to get them to roll of their backsides and shake paws with a budding entrepreneur?

Facing the Dragons this week are artist Issun and goddess Amaterasu, who are hoping for investment in their Celestial Brush. Will the Dragons be tempted by their business proposal?

Issun: Hello, I’m Issun and this furball here is Amaterasu. We’re here today asking for investment in our revolutionary Celestial Brush technology, which you can use to literally pause the world and alter it to your desires! If you buy our full package, you’ll be able to turn night into day (and vice versa), summon wind, fire, water, thunder and ice, repair broken objects, make flowers grow and much more!

Aria: Punyu? [So, what’s your pricing strategy for this?]

Issun: Well, we sell the initial brush with the Sunrise ability for 300,000 yen, and then all the other abilities are extra.

Cardinal: What about the ink?

Issun: Well, that refills naturally, but you have the option of purchasing more bottles to store it in.

Cardinal: Hmm, don’t you think you could make more money if you forced people to buy more ink instead of effectively giving it away?

The Cardinal has just pointed out a major flaw in Issun’s pricing strategy, but the entrepreneur seems undaunted.

Issun: Well, if it didn’t work this way, the world would probably under the control of the forces of darkness right now.

Mikoto: I’m very interested in this, but I’d like to know how many you’ve sold so far.

Issun: Well, er, Amaterasu has the full set, I’m learning, and Ninetails could do a bit too…

Mikoto: So, three sales so far?

Issun: I wouldn’t exactly call them sales.

Issun has just admitted that, despite some impressive boasting, he hasn’t actually sold any of his product yet! This does not go down well with the Dragons.

Mikoto: You know what- come back when you’ve actually got some sales to show me, because for now I’m out.

The Admiral: With this night and day thing, suppose I’ve just got into bed and you draw a sun? Do I have to get up and go to work?

Issun: Yes, but you can always draw a moon and make it night again.

Admiral: But that would mess up everything! I’m out!

Aria: Punyu! [Creating suns and such is a bit irresponsible, so I’m out too].

Mr Tibbs: I’m actually very interested in this- anything that gives the bank the ability to control the world must be good. I’d like to make you an offer.

Issun: Thank you very much- I’d like to accept

After a grilling in the Den, Issun walks away with an investment from Mr Tibbs! But how will our world change now that a fat cat has access to the powers of the Celestial Brush?

This Week in Anime

Painting work begins on new 1:1 scale Gunpla.

Budget cuts made at Pizza Hut’s branding department.

All foodstuffs are now to be sold in clearly labelled containers.

It’s not quite Aria, is it?

Mikoto-class cat spotted.

Generic factory produces too many units.

What an appetising looking lump of wood.

Sunrise decide to supplement ailing budget by moving into clock production.

HORSE has evolved with time.

A DOG tries to solicit customers in the blue light district.

“By your powers combined, I am Captain Planet!”

“I command you all to take up smoking!”

HARD GUNDAM.

If in doubt, just turn Super Saiyan.

Pears undertake a daring mission to infiltrate the apple basket.

Walnuts find a new niche.

Flash Game review: Light Puzzle
I’m a sucker for laser puzzles, and this little one amused me for a weekend during the Winter Olympics two years ago, so it’s way past time to point it out. As with all puzzles of this type, the idea is to get the laser beam to the target of the same colour, using whatever mirrors, beam splitters and prisms you are provided with. Naturally, it’s a simple enough task to begin with but one that gradually gets harder throughout the game’s 24 or so levels. Fear not, however, for if you get truly stuck, I have screencapped the solutions.

Mini-editorial: A few thoughts on Lain
A few weeks ago, Hige wrote about pretension, briefly mentioning his thoughts on Lain, and at the time I thought “hmm, I must say a few words about Lain too”. A series that blends the worlds of reality and the internet, Lain is one of things where you either don’t understand it but rave about how deep and complex it is, or you don’t understand it and openly admit that because of that, you couldn’t really enjoy it. Having said that, I cannot deny that there were large tracts of Lain that I didn’t understand, but whilst it is my least favourite of the four ABe series, it still has worth and merit for me.

As I said in my Sixty anime piece, Lain is anime of ‘layers’ rather than episodes- starting at the beginning in reality and slowly dropping deeper and deeper into the virtual world. Along the way, there is much to think about as the walls between reality and fantasy blur. Can consciousness exist on its own within the internet? What is the difference between one’s self and the person someone else perceives you to be, the “you” that exists only in their head? Or does the fact that people usually turn to Eva and Ghost in the Shell for these sorts of musings render Lain surplus to requirements?

That being said, should we really praise the creators for making a series so complex that viewers can barely understand it? Have they really packed it so full of that aforementioned depth and complexity that viewers must navigate their own way to meanings, or are they just so poor at presenting their ideas that the result is a mishmash of half-baked concepts?

Whatever the case, and in spite of the Michael Jackson look-alike who created the WIRED, I generally enjoyed Lain, but it will never be a series for everyone.

In Your Reflection

This week we have a head-to-head between two men from rather similar series- SaiMono’s Ensei and Twelve Kingdoms’ Shoryu (aka King En). Both men have similar appearance, along with a rough around the edges personality that belies their roles in government.

The making of Azure Flame: Screencap parody
This week we go behind the scenes to find out how a screencap parody is hewn out the rocks, polished and refined for your enjoyment. The process begins, unsurprisingly, by watching the episode (or in select cases, having someone else watch it), whilst basically spamming the screencap key to capture any potentially amusing moments. In this way, around 400 ‘raw’ screencaps will be generated.

The next step is to resize all the screencaps to 450px in width (or 225 in some cases), a task easily accomplished with either Irfanview or PhotoResize. The new, smaller screencaps are now pasted into Word, where the real work begins. Useless images are deleted, whilst amusing ones are captioned to retell the story of the episode; once all images are captioned, an introduction is written and the long process of uploading all screencaps and posting them all into Wordpress can begin.

For longer posts (100+ images), the parody will be split into two parts, although in some cases it’s had to go to three.

Over at Random Curiosity, many seem to be finding it hard to occupy themselves between episodes of Clannad, especially when the series takes a week off. Now, we at Azure Flame are an understanding lot (I say we, but I really mean me), and so we’ve decided to put together some suggestions as to what you can do to ease the pain of those long waits.

• Watch other anime: I’ve been reliably informed that anime series other than Clannad do, in fact, exist, and some of them are even superior to it. Watching them will surely help the time pass.
• Rewatch old episodes: If you really can’t accept the existence of those other series, then at least watch the first half of the series again…and again…and again.
• Take up a new hobby: Fill your life with, well, activity- perchance you already have work, school or both, but there are many other things you can do to fill your time. Get out of the house more, and the wait will seem less strenuous.
• Discover manga and gaming: If you absolutely cannot leave the house, then at least make the time spent indoors interesting. Manga and gaming aren’t too dissimilar from the anime scene, so you can ease yourself into them.
• Stare at a black screen: If all else fails, try this- you never know what images you might be able to discern if you look at the blackness long enough.

Kaiji- the Room of Naked Men

“It’s not fair! I’m telling Mum!”

“It’s time for you to learn the meaning of HARD GAY, boy!”

“We don’t have time to waste!”

“Hmm, I suppose your size is acceptable.”

“Men can’t have sex with other men- can they?”

Yes, Kaiji, they can.

“Come here boy- I like the look of your tackle.”

“I like a man who’s willing to experiment.”

“Now, since it’s your first time, I won’t force you to go all the way.”

“This place is about one thing and one thing early- casual sex!”

“He’s taking me from behind!”

“All right, you had me- but now it’s my turn!”

“Take it like a man!”

Kaiji develops a foot fetish.

“I don’t want it anymore!”

Really? I hadn’t noticed.

“What cologne do you use?”

“Oh god, how did I end up in an escape pod ejected into outer space?”

Dragons’ Den: Magic CCTV and Villain Chair

Welcome to a new feature based on the TV program of the same name, in which anime characters try to market their great idea to five fat cats of anime! President Aria made his fortune in the gondola industry of Neo Venezia, and is now CEO of a well-known company. Mikoto started her business in the capital of Wind Bloom, and is now a trusted advisor to the queen, with business partners scattered across the world. The Admiral’s first business venture was to invest in a Chinese restaurant, but a meteor threat to Earth saw her buy shares in ground and space based defence technology, which she currently administers with her protégé “The General” (aka Shogun). Mr Tibbs started his career as a tea cat for the bank, but his sound grasp of finance saw him rise up the ranks until he became one of their most prominent managers. Finally, The Cardinal is the world’s most powerful fat cat, with a wide range of business interests that ensure that he has a paw in every pie (often literally, depending on his appetite). These five cats represent some heavyweight investment clout in every sense of the word, but is any deal attractive enough to get them to roll off their backsides and shake paws with a budding entrepreneur?

Next into the Den is one Fei Wong Reed, who is looking for investment in his Equipment of Evil company. Can he offer a deal tempting enough to get the Dragons interested?

Fei Wong: Greetings, fat cats! I’m here today to pitch for investment in Equipment of Evil, a company specialising in high-end equipment for archvillains. I’ve brought some samples of our products here with me today- a custom-built chair for conducting villainous activities in, and a magic CCTV with which to automatically watch the heroes’ activities. The market for this type of product is growing all the time, and if you invest, you can be part of it. Any questions?

Aria: Punyu? [How did you get to this concept?]

Fei Wong: Well, as a sufferer of frequent back pain, I knew that standing all the time wasn’t going to do me any good, but once I was in the chair, I couldn’t really do much without having a good way to watch the heroes.

Mr Tibbs: I notice your CCTV seems to be on Syaoran TV at the moment- is there any way to change that?

Fei Wong: Well, each CCTV will be tuned to a custom hero channel using our patented technology.

Mr Tibbs: I see- and is there any way to change the channel if I get bored? Say I want to take time off and just relax in front of Sky Movies- would that be possible?

Fei Wong: Unfortunately, we haven’t yet discovered any way of changing the channel.

Fei Wong’s pitch was going way, but by admitting a major flaw in his product, he has lost the interest of at least one of the Dragons.

Mr Tibbs: I’m sorry to say it, but that makes your product infinitely less attractive to me- I mean, who would spend 177 chapters of their life watching the same channel? And for that reason, I’m out.

Mr Tibbs has declared himself out- what will the other Dragons think?

The Admiral: Fei Wong, how many of these have you sold so far?

Fei Wong: Well, about, er, ten in the last year.

The Admiral: Ten?

Fei Wong: They’re custom builds with a five-hundred percent mark-up. We are making money.

The Admiral: Well yes, but I don’t believe your claim that this is a scalable business- I think you’ll shift a few, but never enough for me to make a return, and that’s the reason why I’m out.

Mikoto: Just to let you know where I am, I’m out too.

Aria: Punyu. [I've heard bad things about you in the press, and I think your negative image will reflect badly on me, so I'm out.]

Cardinal: I’m sorry, but I have to agree with everyone else’s objections; this isn’t a company I can make money on so I won’t be investing, but I would like to place an order for my own chair and CCTV.

Fei Wong: Hah, I knew you wouldn’t invest, but this is all going to plan! Farewell, suckers!

Fei Wong has left the Den without investment.

Mr Tibbs: When will he learn that that “everything’s going to plan” line doesn’t fool anyone anymore?

This Week in Anime

Apples- as endorsed by Master Keaton.

“Dad, I support apples now- get these oranges out of here.”

“It’s a fruit overload!”

For the ultimate flavourless experience, try new Bland!

“I know I swore loyalty to apples, but these peaches are mighty fine!”

Note the Mikoto-cross on the forehead of the dog.

Why do I feel like there might be the teensiest flaw in this argument?

Two MANLY men meet for some HARD GAY on the so-called “Meat Day”.

Anime World Tour- Last Exile

Welcome to the world of Prestale, where vanships roam the skies and the nobles enjoy a life of luxury and plenty even as the commoners struggle to find clean water. Fear not, however, for during your stay on our planet, the Maestro Delphine will kindly allow you to sample all of the delicacies the Guild has to offer- for a price. Be it crucifixion in roses or gladiatorial combat to the death, you can be sure that your time at the Guild will never lack for excitement!

For those on a more modest budget, however, we recommend the planetary surface package- it may not be as glamorous, but you will be able to watch vanships in flight, bet on chocobo races and much, much more!

Mini-editorial: Blogging the British way

Now apparently, the mere act of being British is enough to level up one’s blogging, and truly our allies in other countries must be wondering- how can we ever compete with those tea-sipping villains? Well, kind as I am, I have decided to put together the secrets of blogging success, and you won’t even have to emigrate to achieve them.

• Drink plenty of tea: tea is the fuel of Britain; without it, we cannot function. By sipping tea regularly, you can increase brain function and write yards of flawless, fascinating prose.
• Force everyone to speak the language: English may not be your first language, but we demand that you blog in it to demonstrate our apparent superiority and hide our inability to write in any other language. Unfortunately for all concerned, the English language has about a million words, of which the average native speaker knows 10,000- if we only know 1% of our own language, how can anyone else ever be expected to master it?
• Rename your country: Naming it “Great Britain” must truly have had an effect- try renaming your nation to something like “Fabulous Germany” or “Awesome Malaysia” to see if it helps.
• Master our culture and history by watching Blackadder- this will teach you relevant historical facts and demonstrate the use of humour, sarcasm and irony at its best.

In Your Reflection

This week sees a head-to-head between Aria’s Alice and Minami-ke’s Chiaki; both are the youngest of their respective main character groups, with a cool know-it-all attitude and a tendency to be blunt in their assessment of other people. Nonetheless, both of them can act childish at times, be it trying to get home by only walking in shadows, or naming a rock and kicking it all the way home

Amusing Search Terms

Old favourite: you toube sex

anime girls with ears: they mostly do have ears, unless they’ve been in some kind of accident.

animeblogger girl wrestling: Hmm, I wonder what my fellow female bloggers would think of taking part in such a thing.

“mechanic”+”ardavan”: Were you searching for Makai Kingdom or physics information?

anime girl free herself to Christmas: Hmm…

removing bikini: Quite simple, really.

“damned souls” naked: Naked prinnies! Shocking!

use me for sex: Don’t you think we should get to know each other first?

“rpg maker”breast: Breasts in RMXP are mere pixels.

Amusing Spam

“Zimbabwe: $10bn Cash Deal -…

Mutekede tendered her mobile phone to the court which showed five text messages she sent Kadzura after her arrest and…”

…and what happens next? It’s like my very own soap opera!

“Fundraiser focuses on ”Beginnings” -…

Silent and live auction items include VIP seats to Broadway shows; a New York City package featuring a taping of…”

Hmm…

“cuppoodles in wilkes county”

nAre these dogs that double as teacups?

“blood clot color diagram”

Red?

“Alan…

Please, you have to elaborate on this one. I remember this movie celebrity I meet that would chuckle at this….”

Alan isn’t a man to elaborate on such things.

“asked question tattoos of gypsy girl”

I don’t know what tattoos she had, to be honest. Sorry.

Welcome to a world where school doesn’t have to be all about textbooks and theory- if you’re inexplicably talented and mature for your age, then anyone from age 5-15 can enlist in Garden, an elite school that teaches you how to be a mercenary! From festivals to intense weapons training, the three Garden facilities (Balamb, Galbadia and Trabia) offer everything you could possibly require for those fun and wholesome formative years. You can even learn how to do more than just mindlessly attack your enemy by equipping a Guardian Force (GF) and unleashing awesome magic, summoning and item-using powers (note: some reports claim GF use can have an adverse effect on memory, but these are mere rumours with no scientific backing).

Adults and casual visitors need not despair, however, for there is plenty to occupy them too. From challenging random strangers to the widely popular card game Triple Triad to enlisting in the Galbadian army, you are bound to find something to suit your needs! Just remember that television and radio signals are severely affected by interference, so you may not be able to tune into the BBC world service.

Heroic Age revisited

“…once they find out you have this giant sex toy.”

“Who needs a lover when I have this to Pleasure me?”

“Why did I have it made out of chocolate?”

“No one must learn about my secret love of trashy teen horror flicks.”

What I love about Heroic Age is how it makes you feel up close and personal with the action.

“We’d better get them to form an oderly queue, or it’ll be chaos!”

#

“Mmm, I’d like to be first in line.”

Use of the custom paintbrush facility in GIMP enables hundreds of identical ships to be drawn in mere seconds.

“Hey, are we even on the right show?”

“Sorry, I have to rest for a moment- my backside is sore from all the kissing.”

“The camera crane is stuck again- I can’t get it to lower!”

This Week in Anime

One man tells his sad tale of servitude to the orange empire.

More to the point, what are you doing with that raccoon?

I love Oh! Edo Rocket, but scenes like this still terrify me.

“I hope no one notices I’m standing in for the real Bartender.”

Apples team up with grapes to overthrow the evil Montague.

Oranges are caught trying to illegally enter the country.

“I hear you give excellent Hyper Self Pleasure.”

“I haven’t done it in a while- I hope I’m not rusty.”

“True love- or at least true lust.”

“That is why I perfected Hyper Self Pleasure!”

Mini-editorial: Character depth- can it sometimes be too much?

In real life, people are complex- they have various facets to their personality, and it is highly unlikely that any two people would agree with or approve of each other a hundred percent of the time. Nonetheless, the medium of television often likes to render things a bit more simplistically- heroes are heroic, villains are villainous and supporting characters, well they’re lucky to get more than one or two character gimmicks.

Nonetheless, the demand for “realism” has continued to make itself known over the years, and so it has been that in due course writers have tried to add a bit more depth and complexity to their characters with the aid of back stories, ambiguity and the like. Our hero may have a bleak past of assassination and murder, our villain may simply be a misguided product of an abusive upbringing. Such gimmicks are now familiar to us, but still we must ask- is there a point where it all becomes too much. To put it succinctly, are we able to throw ourselves behind a likable character who ordered the death of millions?

To go to the example that inspired this editorial, let’s look at Roy Mustang from Fullmetal Alchemist. The Roy Mustang we see on screen is a competent officer with a wicked sense of humour and the ability to inspire great loyalty in his troops- altogether a likable character. Nonetheless, as we dig a bit into his past, we learn that he is also responsible for the deaths of innocent people- admittedly an act he committed under orders and one which he regrets, but can we ever fully put aside his complicity? Do we accept the Mustang we see in the present, embracing him as one of our favourite characters even as we gloss over his less savoury deeds?

Ultimately, then, it must come down to what we, as the viewers, want from our characters; do we wish to be challenged to feel ambivalent about them, to build relationships with them that involve some conflict and complexity of feeling? Are there some acts that cannot be forgiven, no matter how contrite or likable the perpetrator is now portrayed? Are shallow characters cliché, or is it actually comforting to have heroes who embody ideals of purity, courage and optimism, alongside pantomime-esque villains that we can boo, jeer at and generally hate without fear of political correctness? Perhaps, in the end, there is room for both in our viewing schedules.

In Your Reflection

This week we take a look at two girls who may well be identical twins- Code Geass’ CC and Darker than Black’s Amber. Aside from their remarkable physical similarities, both have special powers, an importance to the plot that doesn’t surface straightaway, and a secondary role as Pizza Hut poster girls.

Amusing Search Terms

Old favourite: www.you toube

goo toube sex : you toube was one thing, but goo toube is just plain scary.

harvest moon help two beds together: you sick, sick person- this is a game for kids!

final fantasy 7 yuffie rape game: no, that wasn’t one of the proposed spin-offs.

maria sama ga minute: In the words of Google, did you mean Maria-sama ga Miteru?

Amusing Spam

I know you were all dying to read the Spanish Viagra advert, but unfortunately it was too long to copy and paste here.

“The Intelligent Warrior Subliminal Videos | …

intelligent warrioir video series…”

I can’t wait to watch it, whatever it is.

Akagi 4Kids

Great news, Akagi fans, your favourite show has been licensed- by 4Kids! After the success of Pokemon and Yu-Gi-Oh!, we decided that kids were ready for yet another gaming craze in the form of mah-jongg (or as we have decided to rename it, Tile Frenzy). In this series, plucky lead Ace (formerly known as Akagi) will bravely battle against the Gentlemen’s Club (yakuza) as he tries to prove to everyone that courage and faith are all you need to win at Tile Frenzy! Unlike Akagi, Ace doesn’t cheat- he just uses the power of friendship and destiny, and he has no fear of his opponent’s pointy fingers of death!

The main event of the show, however, must surely be the final arc, in which our plucky lead Ace wagers his mother’s precious jars of tomato soup (formerly his own blood) against a retired gentleman who wants to take over the world with the power of Tile Fenzy! You wont want to miss it!

This Week in Anime

Who needs liquor when you can get drunk on whisky bonbons?

These days, even oranges are entitled to bathe in the hotsprings.

“God bless this nondescript vegetable.”

Apples step up a notch in the ongoing fight against oranges.

Note the presence of grapes.

Apples prove to be among the more engaging characters in Romeo X Juliet.

Battle lines are drawn in the vegetable version of Risk.

“Hey, they laid on a swimming pool just for us apples.”

Titus’ loyalty to grapes can be clearly seen.

“Here, take this and join the Brotherhood of Yellow Fruit.”

HARD GAY corner: Princess Tutu

From an early age, Fakir was always HARD GAY for Mytho (a literal storybook prince), but there always seemed to be rivals for his affection- most notably their fellow students at ballet school, Rue and Duck. Nonetheless, the separation between male and female dormitories enabled Fakir to keep a close eye on Mytho, turning him into an obedient love slave.

Unfortunately, as Princess Tutu returned Mytho’s heart, he rediscovered his love of STRAIGHT and began to move away from Fakir’s affections.

“I must seduce Mytho to the ways of STRAIGHT!”

“Get away from my lover!”

Fakir finds a new lover

“If you don’t want HARD GAY with me, I won’t make you do it.”

“No, I would like to see your Liang.”

“Excellent- you have made the right choice.”

“Let’s set a date for tomorrow.”

“Don’t stand me up.”

You are so talented!”

Neko-sensei’s lessons of love

“…HARD GAY!?”

“I feel the time has come to teach you the advanced techniques.”

“How about we make it a threesome?”

“Now, to the bedroom!”

A typical night

“…to my body.”

“Just don’t start having STRAIGHT!”

Mini-editorial: Analysing the political situation in Kuchen

Usually, this mini-editorial is quite a serious and fairly relevant affair, but sometimes I just get the urge to do something completely silly and pointless- and so this week, we will be taking an in-depth look at the political situation of Kuchen, the fictional European island in Meine Liebe. As viewers of the show will know, Kuchen operates under a monarchy, with the king taking advice from appointed nobles known as the Strahl. Every season, we see a generic duke try to usurp the throne, and although we are encouraged to think of them as the villains of the piece, perhaps we should step back and consider for a moment whether this is actually the case.

After all, perhaps these dissatisfied dukes actually represent the popular opinion of the Kuchen public- that the time has come to shuck off a useless and ineffectual nobility and move into a republican age. Maybe the king, who does seem a little past his best, is a terrible ruler whose lack of ability to govern is sending the country into ruin. Is the life of luxury that our noble bishounen leads enjoy built on the backs of millions of struggling peasants? Should we, the humble viewer, abandon our support for king and country and throw our weight behind the revolution? Perhaps the villainous Beruze is merely an unsung hero wishing to lead his country to a new age- only time will tell (actually it won’t, but that seemed a good way to conclude the sentence).

In Your Reflection

This week we have a head-to-head between two moody semi-bishounen- Witch Hunter Robin’s Amon and Last Exile’s Alex Rowe. As well as being similar in appearance, they both have aloof personalities and keep their distance from the leads at the beginning of the series, only to become more central later on. They also share a voice actor in the English dub.

Amusing Search Terms

Old favourites: Romance of the Three Kingdoms Goes Hentai

“If you want do delete your site from ou: yes?

prince charming and romeo: I never thought much of Prince Charming- he was too generic and lacking in personality.

pumpkin with flames: Burn, pumpkin, burn!

anime girls with boy child: Okay…

dark maiden anime: In the name of the Maiden of Light!

Amusing Spam

“organic skin care…

It is tiring attempting to calculate the time we”ve used up looking for h2o pages….”

So we’re looking for plain old water this week?

“Eric…

i dont think you did that but that is juts me…”

That Eric, he keeps showing up here and you can’t trust him.

“hello…

will read it later…”

It annoys me when spam bots can’t take the time to read your post.

“As the world wide web continues to mass demon drawings webpages, we will work to deliver them to you….”

Good to know…I think.

The news that Clannad’s widescreen version would not premiere until a month after its 4×3 showing has angered many, and by looking at the screencap above, we can see why- no one wants to miss out on views of desks and classroom windows. That being said, let’s just imagine what sort of delights might be available in those hidden sections.

• Gratuitous fanservice.
• Hidden anime-only characters!
• Snipers trying to pick off the main characters.
• Fat cats.
• Papillon in a thong.

Kaiji rips off Yu-Gi-Oh! For shame!

It has come to our attention that the gambling anime Kaiji, which just started airing, is not as original as it seems- it is actually a rip-off of Yu-Gi-Oh! Let’s parody the first two episodes whilst we look at the evidence.

Hey, what’s my laptop doing on here?

He does have a point…

“I’ll tell you what I want- what I really, really want.”

On Kaiji, Kaiji is forced to go on a mysterious ship in order to erase his debts, whilst in the first arc of Yu-Gi-Oh, Yugi took a mysterious ship to Duellist Island to get his grandfather’s soul back.

Admittedly, in Yu-Gi-Oh the ship was floating through the depths of heck.

Wait, isn’t that a Nippon Ichi SRPG spell for curing status effects?

Any excuse to frisk a fit male body.

“Listen very carefully, I will say this only once.”

These stars greatly resemble the star chips used on Duellist Island.

They’re even playing card games to win stars!

“But- but Yu-Gi-Oh is all about the power of friendship!”

Yep, this is definitely just like Yu-Gi-Oh.

Random Thoughts: Furude Rika\r\nThis week, we interview Furude Rika from Higurashi, and spoilers will most certainly be involved! So, Rika, what was it like living the same events over and over again?

Incredibly boring, if it must be known, and of course getting killed over and over isn’t nice. When I took this job, I had no idea how repetitive it was going to be, but at least it’s made me famous.

Does it ever disturb you that technically you’re an ancient person stuck in the body of a child?

Of course it does- I want to grow up, damn it!

All your friends got to go on killing sprees- didn’t you ever wish that you could do the same to relieve the stress?

Many times, but then I realised that everything would just reset once I was done.

Don’t you think “Himanizawa Syndrome” is a bit ridiculous?

Don’t even ask me to defend the writers on that one.

And finally, how do you really feel about Satoko?

Don’t get me started- I have never met a character more annoying in both her happy and miserable arcs. If you must know, I was the one who secretly encouraged the town to hate her, and when I was pretending to be her friend, I was really just isolating her from everyone else.

This Week in Anime

It’s like every series has to have a bartender these days.

Mmm…strawberries.

I never knew I had my own bar…

Oranges are evolving personalities of their own.

Even so, it isn’t helping them to win the war.

Anime World Tour: Akagi

Welcome to a world filled to the brim with GAR and MANLINESS, so much so that even women would grow a pair if they entered it. In this yakuza-dominated world, the main (and indeed only) pastime to indulge in is mah-jongg, and for those of you who have already mastered the normal game, fear not, for there are all sorts of crooked and fixed matches to participate in. Whether you fancy trying to outsmart your opponent with glass tiles, bet your own lifeblood on a match, or just switch their hand when they aren’t looking, we have every variation of mah

In Your Reflection

This week we have a head-to-head between two quiet young women- Maggie from R.O.D. the TV and Sakaki from Azumanga Daioh. Both are good-natured yet somewhat introverted, and totally committed to their most beloved pastime (books for Maggie, cute things for Sakaki).

Amusing Search Terms

This week, a misguided but conservation-minded internet user asks “Are Wolves Going Extinct?”. A question worth looking into, indeed, but other people have more pressing queries, such as “Is Koutetsu Sangokushi Gay?”.

Old favourites: Romance of the Three Kingdoms Goes Hentai

Full moon wo sagashite animated banners: not here, sorry.

The samaga com: Am I stupid for completely failing to grasp what this is?

ANIME BABY ANIME: yeah baby, anime!

good charm school witch storys: might as well fit everything you want into one anime.

“Ikkitousen ” NAKED: I love the way “naked” is capitalised to add emphasis.

what Mercutio looked like from Romeo and: Who’s Mercutio again? …(yeah, that was irony- it’s like goldy and bronzy, only made of iron).

harvest moon were is the gods drop: Er, don’t look at me.

anime(dreams vs. reality): I dream of the perfect anime…

I have seen the end and no one survived,: oh noes! The end is nigh!

Amusing Spam

“Jessie…

I”m going to look into this and let you know what I find….”

Good for you.

“PianoKawai…

…”

How cute…a piano.

“libido for women…

It is wearisome striving to compute the hours we”ve invested searching for libido articles….”

And sometimes, spam just makes me laugh.

The Higurashi Cookbook

With the numerous cookbooks and cooking shows on TV, it can be hard for novice chefs to know just where they should start. Worry no longer, however, for we have just the solution- in the form of the comprehensive and easy to use Higurashi Cookbook! And here on Tuesday Rumble, we have been given exclusive permission to reprint extracts from this, the newest contender on the culinary literature market.

• Now remember, when making snacks, be sure to push the needles in as far as they will go. The last thing you need is your hapless victims realising what they are about to bite into.
• Bitter-tasting poisons add a nice spice to the traditional bento box, and should be readily employed alongside more conventional sauces and flavourings.
• When preparing meat, be sure to use a nice, sharp cleaver. There’s nothing more rewarding than chopping it up into nice, small chunks. Also note that rare steak is in this season; the bloodier the better.
• The Oyashiro-sama platter requires extensive preparation, but once you get the knack of disembowelling the animal, you will be well on your way to preparing this most rare of delicacies.
• Don’t throw away those bits and pieces left over after a nice long torture session- toss them all into the pot and boil them all up for a tasty soup.

Pick up these and other handy food preparation tips in the Higurashi Cookbook- on sale now from all good retailers!

The Nice Boat Panel

Especially for this week’s Tuesday Rumble, we showed the ‘nice boat’ replacement for School Days 12 to a test audience, who were specifically told that this was the real final episode. Let’s see their reactions.

A: If you ask me, this was the best episode of the series, although I think the studio was quite bold to switch to entirely live action.

B: Yes, it certainly beats everything Gainax has come up with.

C: I don’t know about you guys, but I had a hard time making out the characters, who I assume were meant to be inside the boat.

B: What was that boat all about anyway? Was it meant to be a metaphor for something?

A: Of course it was! Couldn’t you see that it symbolised how the leads had thrown away their youthful innocence in favour of short-term gratification?

C: I thought it was a ferry taking Makoto across the Styx.

A: No, no, that’s way too obvious- you’ve got to look deeper.

B: Hey, you don’t think that this wasn’t actually the final episode of School Days, do you?

A: Don’t be stupid! This ending fits the series perfectly!

At this point, our panel is told the truth

A: Oh… [signs off]

B: Wow, the real ending has a nice boat too!

C: Which was the real ending again?

Sister of Wellber 8

“Give me HARD GAY!”

“Ah thank you, and what a worthy sword it is too.”

“It is completely alien to those of us who prefer men.”

“And now I suppose you want something in return for the HARD GAY.”

“Oh come on, we’ve had HARD GAY ever since we were children.”

“But since then, it’s been hard to find the time.”

“And now that you are carrying my child, you probably won’t want to do it too often.”

“You fool- my Sword is more than a match for yours even if I am pregnant!”

“Feel my Blade!”

“Oh yes, that’s good!”

“And now for the climax!”

“Ah yes, HARD GAY is truly for me- in fact, I hate women so much that I have started murdering them.”

Meanwhile, Tina is ready for some HARD YURI.

“Just get undressed already!”

“He fears that the Prince is overexerting himself, and that it may damage the baby.”

No mention of this series would be complete without a touch of HORSE.

Random Thoughts: Alphonse Elric

This week we talk to Al of Fullmetal Alchemist! Al, how did you feel when you landed your breakout role- and were then told that you’d be spending the series as a suit of armour?

Well, of course it wasn’t quite what I imagined, but sometimes you have to take a chance and work with what you’re given. I think it turned out well overall, and it’s certainly made me a household name, even if no one ever seems to buy my merchandise. I mean come on people, please at least get one of my die-cut key rings.

Did you ever think of using your uniqueness to your advantage to land roles in other series as a mech?

It’s funny that you should ask that, because I did go on Utawarerumono for a bit- I was Kuuya’s Avu Kamuu, and the guys from Lab 5 played Hien and Hau’s armours. You might have also spotted me on Busou Renkin, but I didn’t want to take too many roles because there’s always a danger of being typecast.

Ah yes, of course. Do you think you’ll ever go down the armour route again, or are you happy in your own body?

I’m very happy with my work as a suit of armour, but in my mind that’s over and done with now. I want to see what I can do with my own strength, instead of being picked because I happen to be large and metallic.

Did you ever think it was more than coincidence that come rain or shine, your blood seal never washed away?

I was worried about that at first, and because the producers wanted that emotion in my performance, they never really reassured me. I think it really honed my performance, but in retrospect I realise they wouldn’t let one of their stars get killed on set.

And finally, do you have any juicy secrets about Ed that you’d like to reveal to us?

Nii-san would kill me if I said anything!

This Week in Anime

“Friends, I am here to save you.”

“I know I suggested experimenting with Mallet, but this isn’t quite what I had in mind.”

“Tea!? I hate tea!”

Note the cross-shape on the cat’s face, a clear indication of a Mikoto-type.

“So anyway, like I was saying- these apples are nutritious and delicious!”

A new Fruit Alliance is formed.

Anime World Tour: Higurashi no Naku Koro ni

Welcome to Hinamizawa, a quiet 1980s village perfect for taking a relaxing break from the stress of modern city life! Enjoy the sights and sounds of this unique village, and stay for our annual Watanagashi festival, featuring good food, good fun and dancing from our own Furude Rika! Visit Hinamizawa now, and enjoy wholesome fun for everyone!

Please note: in most a scant handful of insignificant realities, there is a chance that you may get bloodily murdered by the psychotic residents. We are required by law to warn you of this, but in truth the risk is very real minimal and will most likely end in your death not affect your stay.

OST spotlight: Makai Kingdom

As I said yesterday, Makai Kingdom was bereft of the input of composer Tenpei Sato, but whilst this makes it weaker than the average NIS game soundtrack, it isn’t as bad as everyone makes out. Admittedly, there’s a lot of looping and stretches of filler tracks, but nonetheless the music manages to retain that quirky Netherworld atmosphere, and it even tosses in some catchy action themes along the way. It’s perfect music for easy background listening- not worthy of the bulk of your attention, but a nice accompaniment to whatever work you may be doing at the time.

Notable tracks: The Devil’s Entrance, Darkness Darkness, Alexander the God of Destruction, Makai Fusion, Quiet Tension

Mini-rant: Answering back to Answerman

Answerman has angried up my blood for a long time, but never before did I feel compelled to write about it- until today (or rather last week, but I ran out of time). He’s always been grumpy, grouchy and inclined to jump down the throats of people who dare to disagree with him and the Great ANN-ADV Alliance, but finally the balance has been tipped by ill-timed venturing onto the forums. Like a troll with the power and right to be there, Answerman moves between threads, ready to spread sarcastic comments wherever he goes. Now personally, I couldn’t care less whether not his opinion coincides with mine- what really gets on my wick, so to speak, is the way he so takes against anyone who doesn’t appreciate that he is right and all-knowing. Worse yet, whenever he writes a filler column revisiting old questions and answers, he routinely admits that he either lied or didn’t know what he was talking about- quite ironic for someone who puts himself on such a pedestal.

Anyway, for the good of all I tend not to read Answerman anymore, but I just had to write this self-indulgent little rant, and now let us imagine Answerman’s reply were he to read this-

“Oh whoop-de-do, I got flamed by some wannabe writer from an insignificant blog at the back end of the internet- I really will be losing sleep tonight! Go and get a life, sister- you don’t like me, deal with it. And don’t put words into my mouth, you aren’t the remotest bit funny.”

In Your Reflection

This week, we see a head-to-head between two black and white pairs of creatures- the Mokonas from Tsubasa/xxxHOliC and the Usas from Magical Pokan. Both are paired magical creatures with special abilities and a generally laid back attitude, although the Mokonas are somewhat more impressive in that they can talk, move items between dimensions and even have their own plushies.

Amusing Search Terms

Old favourites: Romance of the Three Kingdoms Goes Hentai

december may romance: it’s not really the time of year for that.

anime expecting mother: erm, okay…

when did claymore go downhill: It was around about the OP, I feel.

garra and naruto making out: Sometimes you just have to laugh.

x parodies: For x, insert parody title here.

manga+face of emotion+rpg maker: It’s like some sort of bizarre word association.

lu xun x gan ning: Oh come on, Gan Ning is Zhou Yu’s bitch and everyone knows it.

anime watches girls: it does?

fat anime girls: all I can say is “hmm”

“ways of hard gay”: Yes, you must learn the ways.

Amusing Spam

“Jack…

Nice!…”

Yeah, Jack does do some good work.

“stimulate libido…

Locating the top women health info is not easy….”

It can’t be easy, or else you wouldn’t have ended up on an anime blog.

“fat loss 4 idiots review…

It is legitimate that getting true info on this subject can be difficult….”

Damn those idiots!

“Eric…

In a recent study, researchers at Indiana University examined the behavior of men and women during a speed-dating session and came up with some not-so-surprising findings…”

Really? Tell me more!

“hair loss in young women…

It is so important that we in the younger generation and our children learn from first hand experiences..thanks again…..”

Yet we must also respect our wise balding elders.

“Work from home jobs…

”Real Work At Home Job That Pays $150 – $2,000 a day. …”

What is it- prostitution?

“Eric…

I like the way you have layed it down in this post thanks….”

Eric knows how to lay it down, he da man, brudda.

“games of free online sex anime…

The best online dating site Adult Dating Personals, live out your sexual fantasies and discover a new playmate online or adult swingers, whether you are looking for a one night stand, or casual sex encounters. http:…”

Hahaha…is all I have to say.

“poker chip sets cheap…

A great deal of the web sites that you will uncover dealing with this matter are very knowledgeable, while many are not….”

That just about covers it, then.

Shounen Onmyouji X Dennou Coil

An unlikely pairing, perhaps, but this crossover was suggested with but one aim in mind- the alliance of Isako and Kazane. Whilst Isako takes the role of chief villain in the series, Kazane becomes her loyal underling, and together the two girls achieve the one thing most villains cannot- they actually manage to take over the world. Can anyone stand against the combination of futuristic encoder techniques and the onmyou magic of historical fantasy? Find out on Dennou Onmyouji, aka Shounen Coil!

Ridiculous gaming challenges

• Final Fantasy 7: Complete game with initial equipment, no materia and if possible no item use or levelling up.
• Final Fantasy 8: Complete game with no junctioning, weapon remodelling or advanced limit breaks (i.e. ones that require special items or weapon upgrades to learn).
• Disgaea: Complete game with only story characters and prinnies, or for an added challenge, only prinnies.
• Phantom Brave: Complete game with only Marona- no confining allowed. Weaker gamers may heal and buy weapons on the island.
• Ratchet and Clank: Complete games with only the wrench, except where a specific weapon or gadget is absolutely necessary to advance the series.
• .hack: Complete all four games with Kite alone (with initial equipment), except for when other characters must come along to advance the story. For added challenge, do not use items or skills, and only save at the end of each game. Grunties are not allowed.
• Final Fantasy Tactics: Complete game with only story characters and the generics you are given at the beginning of the game; or better yet, with only Ramza and guest characters (you may bring out one more character when two squads are needed). No class changes are allowed.
• Final Fantasy X: Complete game without using the Sphere Grid at all. Summons are not allowed.
• Final Fantasy X-2: Complete game with default dresspheres.
• Legend of Dragoon: Complete game without Additions or Dragoon transformations.

Shining Tears X Wind 9

Of course you can, that’s the essence of HARD GAY.

“I’ll have sex with anything that’s got a pulse!”

“Take my giant Sword!”

Ah, another suggestive title.

When Fruit Attack

First a pineapple launches its assault.

“Counterattack!”

“Don’t tell me it’s embarrassing to be seen fighting fruit!”

“See how you like it!”

Bananas rise up for the second wave.

“We’re sick of being in so many banana peel jokes! How do you think we feel when the poor sap treads on us?”

“…even these fruit are deadly.”

Random Thoughts: Liu Bei

Following our exclusive interview with Zhuge Liang, we were given the chance to talk to Liu Bei himself! Liu Bei, how do you respond to accusations that your role in the Three Kingdoms era has been exaggerated to make you seem more righteous?

How dare you even suggest that my adventures in the novel and ROTK anime are less than one hundred percent realistic!? They are an exact portrayal of honourable and righteous nature, for I, Liu Bei, can do no wrong!

You did spend rather a lot of time in ROTK running away, though.

It’s called strategy- were I a lesser man, I would call you an asinine fool right now, but I am too kindly for that.

Ah yes, of course- but if you are indeed as honourable as you claim, why did you dash your son to the ground after Zhao Yun went to the effort of rescuing him?

I can make any number of children, but Zhao Yun is the one of a kind lover no man wants to surrender easily. Ah, the nights spent impaled on his Spear- good times, good times.

Okay then, moving on- why do you look so much like a girl in Koutetsu Sangokushi? Are you in fact meant to be a woman in that series?

Look, I’ll level with you- the royalties from Dynasty Warriors aren’t all that great now that there are so many playable characters, and my last steady employment was in a 1991 anime. If I’m getting paid, then I’ll wear any costume- even chest padding and a pink afro.

And finally- is Zhuge Liang really all that Zhuge?\r\nHe’s Zhuger than you can imagine.\r\n\r\n

This Week in Anime

Tomato suffers unfortunate fate.

Plush prinnies spotted.

Vegetables have a conference.

“Which vegetables should I choose?”

“Let’s go with these Sunrise-grown magic mushrooms!”

“Get your nondescript red fruit here!”

Darker than Black- an equal opportunities advertiser for fast food franchises.

No matter who or what you are, fruit is always watching you.

“Yeah, I caught these oranges trying to sneak in to our home.”

A new record is set for coffee milk drinking.

Anime World Tour: Koutetsu Sangokushi

Journey back to a very unique interpretation of 3^rd century China, one which will let you view your beloved Three Kingdoms era in a whole new light. In this alternate world, women have been replaced with good looking and virile young men, all seeking to get in bed with each other- and what’s more, they even have special magic devices to enhance their HARD GAY! Whether you fancy the flower gardens of Wu, the castle pleasure boats of Wei, or the gentle riversides or Shu, we have settings and men to suit every single taste! Sadly, however, we cannot admit women into our Pleasure paradise- please apply elsewhere.

OST spotlight: Final Fantasy X

Nobuo Uematsu is joined by two other composers on this soundtrack, resulting in a score that is “the same but different” as compared to its predecessors- the FF feel remains, but now there is a higher proportion of bold brass-led themes, and even an attempt at heavy metal. It is in the more introspective pieces that the OST does its best, however, with some simple yet memorable piano pieces standing out from the crowd. A fitting soundtrack to mark how FFX made the transition to a new console whilst retaining links to what had come before.

Notable tracks: To Zanarkand, Normal Battle, Summoned, Silence Before the Storm, The Splendid Performance, Brass de Chocobo, Attack, Path of Repentance, Suteki da ne, Decisive Battle, Ending Theme

Mini-editorial: spoiled by subs?

Although it may seem unfashionable to dig up that old subs vs. dubs issue, this week I want to follow on from the comments here to ask if an increased exposure to subbed anime lowers one’s tolerance for dubs, and if one can (or would even want to) go back.

Now, back in the early years of my proper anime addiction, slow internet at home and university rules on peer-to-peer programs meant that fansubs were neglected, leaving DVDs and TV broadcasts as my primary form of exposure. Back in those days, I would happily watch most dubs with little complaint, only switching to Japanese audio on the second viewing for DVDs.

In time, however, all that changed- combined exposure to fansubs and some awful dubs (Tenjho Tenge, for one), saw me switching to the Japanese audio immediately, to the point where it seemed wrong to even accidentally hear a line of English audio. Voice acting which had once been acceptable or even pleasing to the ears was now grating and painful to experience, and the thought of watching English language broadcasts on TV nigh untenable. Somehow, it didn’t seem so bad when playing games, but anime was now to be experienced in Japanese only.

Ultimately, then, are Japanese voice actors so much better than their English counterparts that listening them is akin to tasting fresh bread after years of stale toast, preventing one from ever going back? Is it just that the budget for dubbing anime is too low to allow for higher standards to be achieved? Do we get so tired of the same old set of voices that we simply cannot countenance hearing them over and over? Is it just better to always listen to things in their original language where possible (after all, would anyone want to try the likes of The Simpsons in Japanese for more than novelty purposes?).

In Your Reflection

This week we have a head-to-head between two mysterious red-haired bishies- Toya from Ceres, Celestial Legend and Mansairaku from the Tokyo arc of Otogi Zoshi. Both have a romantic connection with the female lead, and start off assisting her (or simply appearing) in the background before stepping forward to take a more active role in the plot.

Amusing Search Terms

sidekick 2 designs: what was wrong with sidekick 1?

pumpkin flames: Burn those pumpkins!

Maria-sama Hard Panda: Again?

manga and anime women in black and white: Colour is the devil’s tool.

how to use rpg maker: such a simple request can lead to great hardship, believe me.

free gay anime parodies: Free? You mean I should start charging?

Last news about hunterxhunter ova 5: I’d wait for OVA4 first.

“anime blog” “captured”: “Bad news, sir, we have been captured by the enemy and forced to blog only boring shows!”

Amusing Spam- now rated R

“Hi

It is healthy, I shall come on your site more often, thank.”

Reading Azure Flame- now proven beneficial to your health! Throw out those diets and exercise programs!

“Burt Bicknell…

I guess the thing that upsets me about commercial pet food is that I can”t control what’’s in it … exactly.

I notice that Piper gets a really runny nose whenever she Is eating commercial dog food (hiiiigh percentages of corn or wheat), or if I …”

Burt, I completely agree…wait, I don’t even own a dog.

“junior tijned…

We encourage you to take some added time checking out gay fuck information….”

I had to laugh out loud at this one, especially when they followed up with an advisory to check out dick “information”.

“Loans Payday…

You can expect that personal financial advisors who travel in Sacramento semioccasionally endorse cash loans…”

Shocking.

“Jessie…

I have a thing for women with authority. I believe in equality in relationships. A chick who is too passive, who never takes charge of a situation and who waits for me to make all the decisions make…”

You won’t be interested in Belldandy, then.

“Free Anal Porn Videos…

Sorry, it just sounds like a crazy idea for me :)…”

Yeah, I mean come on- free!? People will pay through the nose for this stuff!

“Priscella seem ten time clare level how will she deal.?” From this immortal comment would evolve the idea for Claymore: Blackjack version, in which Clare must face off against Priscilla in a no holds barred game of cards! Claymore Blackjack isn’t like the ordinary game, however, because when you lose, you have to give up a limb! Join Clare as she defeats Yoma with the power of twenty-one, and discover the real reaon why episode twenty-two is called “bust”!

Tips for using Beyblade to take over the world

A few months ago, I got some amusing Beyblade-related search terms, including one about the possibility of Beyblade taking over the world. Since this idea amused me, I decided it was best to put together some tips to help aspiring Beybladers overcome trivialities like political and military might in their bid to dominate the planet.

• You might think that it was best to at least buy as many Beyblades as possible, but doing so is not the right way to approach this- instead, you must buy a single Beyblade and work day and night on upgrading and improving it.
• Next, you must enter various Beyblade tournaments. By vanquishing under-tens in a children’s game, you will gain power and influence vital to your appearance on the world stage.
• Once you have made a name for yourself, you must open an academy to train prospective young Beybladers to become your loyal warriors. Don’t worry about giving them a balanced curriculum- no one will complain if they just Beyblade all day. Even their parents will not lift a finger, no matter how badly you treat their children.
• Once your warriors have won yet more Beyblading tournaments, you will be ready to claim your dominance over the planet. If anyone questions you, respond to their insolence with the force of a few tens of spinning tops.
• Sit back and relax as you enjoy your time in power- or alternately in the mental institution where you have just been taken for rehabilitation.

Camera Perv Redefined

“Hey, camera, I can always confide in you.”

“Humans are nothing- only my beloved camera is worthy.”

“People said it was unhealthy to love a camera this much, but what do they know?”

“Here’s how it goes- you place your Cannons in, and then remove them promptly.”

“Aagh, my Liang is gone!”

Short parody: Wellber so far

Rita goes on the run with Tina.

Tina: We can’t get anywhere with you looking like that.

Rita: Fine- I’ll cut my hair so that no one can recognise me!

Galahad: Wait up! I’m a named character, so you have to let me capture you!

Tina: Galahad, you cannot stand against the combined forces of HORSE and TANK!

Galahad: Aagh, I am defeated- but I will be back next week!

Rita ends up in a red light district, where she accidentally takes a job as a prostitute.

Rita: So we dress up nicely and sit and hold hands with the boys? Doesn’t seem too bad to me.

Mistress: You idiot- you’re supposed to have STRAIGHT with them!

Rita: I hate STRAIGHT- that’s why I stabbed my fiancé and ran off for HARD YURI! I must make a stand for women forced into STRAIGHT!

Prostitute: I wouldn’t bother, since you’re going to be leaving by the end of the episode, and we don’t even have names.

Rita: Good point- farewell.

Galahad pursues the leads to the border but is unable to stop them passing through.

Galahad: Damn it, foiled again! I’ll get you next time!

After everyone is separated in a blizzard, Rita and Galahad end up in a mountain lodge together.

Galahad: I hate you for killing my HARD GAY partner!

Rita: I can explain everything with Flashback Mode! He tried to force me to have STRAIGHT with him!

Galahad: I counter with cheerful flashbacks of our HARD GAY early days together, before he wore glasses!

Rita: Can’t you see- it was the glasses that made him evil!

To be continued…possibly.

This Week in Anime

Why have Cannon when you can have Guncannon?

The newest member of the Apple Affiliates reports in.

“Apple, what should I do?”

A shocking display of DOG is seen in public.

A sturdy HORSE is needed for advanced users.

“You were having HORSE!?”

A wall of generics is used to generate shielding.

“I may be a mere bookstore owner now, but if I sit in a chair and stroke a cat, I too can be a villain someday!”

Cabbages make a defensive formation.

OST spotlight: El Cazador de la Bruja OST 1

Yuki Kajiura’s latest work retains her usual style of lilting melodies, Celtic themes and a few faster paced action pieces, but this time round it just doesn’t have the same impact. It’s not so much that we’ve heard a lot of it before, but that the more original parts aren’t up to the level of Kajiura’s comfort zone tracks. The harmonica led Central American style themes may suit the setting of the series, but it sadly evokes the dry, dusty cactus-filled deserts that dominate this monotonously dull series. Kajiura fans will want it nonetheless, but I just can’t put it in the .hack/Tsubasa/Madlax/Noir bracket.

Notable tracks: Nadie, Hit it and Run!, El Cazador, Forest

Mini-editorial: Eye candy- embarrassing?

In our attempts to make anime seem a more respectable pastime, we may well wax lyrical about the depth and complexity of storytelling and character development, but is it “wrong” to be drawn to it by virtue of its visual appeal? Anime is, after all, a primarily visual medium, and so surely there can be nothing wrong with a healthy admiration for a well designed character, especially if your interests lie towards the artistic.

Naturally, there is a degree of folly in picking anime to watch due to their character designs alone (as well I know), but there seems to be a stigma attached to wholeheartedly appreciating the beautiful artwork and character designs that anime has to offer. To do so is shallow, say its detractors, but when sight is such an important sense to humans, there should be no embarrassment in drinking in a bit of eye candy. Artwork is not the be all and end all, but nor should it be discounted as meaningless.

In Your Reflection

This week, we examine a classical female partnership that has endured over many series- the feisty, loud and hotheaded redhead and her calmer purple haired sidekick, who is either quietly competent, a stuck-up alien princess, or both.

First up we have Excel and Hyatt from Excel Saga- Excel is the impulsive and incompetent leader of the partnership, whilst Hyatt is the quiet, self-effacing alien princess who gets things done in between periodically dying of a terminal illness.

Next up are Kei and Yuri from Dirty Pair Flash- once again, Kei is the impulsive one, whilst Yuri is calmer, a bit stuck up and more interested in dating than work.

The third pair is Éclair and Lumiere from Kiddy Grade in their default bodies- once again, Éclair is the action-orientated one of the pair, whilst Lumiere is the quieter backup.

Fourth up are Lina and Naga from the Slayers OVAs- this time round Lina is the more competent one, but Naga retains the selfish and stuck up attitude.

Finally, we have Najica and Lila from Najica Blitz Tactics- Najica is the confident and in charge one, but as an android Lila is quietly skilled.

Amusing Search Terms

Old favourites: you toube sex

happy and anime: if you’re happy and…er, anime…clap your hands!

rpg maker XP side: Do not underestimate the power of the RPG Maker XP side.

animated manga: Also known as anime.

berserk manga trolls: I wasn’t sure if they were looking for trolls in the Berserk manga, or people who had gone berserk whilst trolling manga sites.

rpg maker xp how to make pets: I want to Summon Bird, a la Star Ocean 2.

teen anime: Anime in that awkward phase.

rpg maker “doctor who”: Again with the Doctor Who RPGs.

pumpkin scissors nhk parodies hentai: I have PS parodies, but no NHK hentai.

Amusing Spam

“Grand-Pianos.org…

Hello ;) Thanks heaps for this!… if anyone else has anything, it would be much appreciated. Great website Super Piano Links”

This week saw the advent of a new and inexplicable type of spam- piano ads.

“Eric…

Googled for something completely different, but found your page…and have to say thanks. nice read….”

Nice work, Eric, keep bringing them in…wait, who the hell is Eric?

“erectile…

Need Viagra? Not anymore after you check this website!…”

This just made me laugh.

“bad breath in cats…

I don”t understand it….”

Poor cats, they need our understanding.

“naruto movie…

I saw this domain for sale, according to the appraisals, its worth over $5000.00 usd. It has just the perfect amount of keywords….”

Good for you.

“œtijned…

As the web continues to mass gay pride websites, we”ll strive to organize them to you….”

and

“try omega 3 fish oil…

As the WWW continues to expand natures bounty omega 3 fish oil capsules guidance, we will strive to organize them to you….”

Gay pride or omega 3 fish oils- take your pick.