Anyway, the advantages of attending dance lessons are as follows-

• Women will always, always outnumber men at the lessons. That means you get your pick of single ladies (note: do not try to compete with the good looking male instructor).
• Women will be impressed if you can dance, since it’s a rare skill among men.
• If all goes well, you’ll know how to dance in plenty of time for your wedding.

Ideas for Phantom Brave 2

I know manga disagrees, but I enjoyed Phantom Brave, and yet the basic system was also in need of some improvements. Here are a few suggestions for making Phantom Brave 2, without simply answering “Makai Kingdom”

• Bring back ranged attackers; seriously, what was with the lack of gunners and proper archers (I can hardly count an archer who only has a bow attack when unequipped).
• Add riding animals such as horses for characters to get on and increase their range/attacks.
• Make it easier for a character to extend the number of turns they are on the field through levelling up.
• Encourage use of Putty and Owl types by creating optional maps where only those classes can be used.
• Increase the number of available Boar type classes.

Bokurano: Gonzo endings predicted

By now, we all know that the Bokurano director doesn’t want to permanently kill off all the children, and that as long as it doesn’t involve magic, the mangaka doesn’t mind if the ending is changed. With that in mind, let’s try to guess at how it will turn out.

• The prize for winning the game is to reset the world to how it was at the beginning, or to revive the players (who cares about dead generics).
• When the players signed the contract, they actually fell unconscious and were put into a VR simulation. At the end, they all emerge from pods.
• There is a parallel universe where they are all alive and living happy lives.
• Everyone is just unconscious and sealed inside Zearth until the end.
• It was all a dream Kokopelli had in the shower.

Ayakashi Ayashi

Generic #1 expresses his HARD GAY preference.

“Attractive as you are, I won’t give in to my desire!”

“Could this be a rare woman?”

“Nope, I’m a man too!”

“You can upgrade your Rod as much you want, but it won’t improve your HARD GAY.”

“Usually you just get straight down to the Pleasure.”

The first enemy, Giant Wang, appears.

Monster Pleasure begins.

Giant Wang faces off against another enemy, Multi-Wang.

“Is he our destined HARD GAY partner?”

Monster Pleasure gets taken to the next level.

“I must join in with some Cannon!”

“I told you no good would come of this sort of HARD GAY!”

Giant Wang is defeated.

Multi-Wang strikes again.

Random Thoughts: Shion

This week, we talk to Shion from the Xenosaga games. Shion, can you explain how you got to be a first-class scientist when you seem to be largely incompetent?

Head scientists don’t need to be competent *laughs*- we just let our underlings do the work and take credit for it. Anyway, I initially got my job because my character design was much less generic than anyone else’s.

How do you explain how your character design shifted so much?

Jealous, aren’t you? I just spent some skill points on levelling up my appearance.

Did you create KOS-MOS just for HARD YURI?

No, no- of course not! …How did you know? Did you find the photos? I swear I was only trying that bondage gear on!

Do you ever wish the games had been created as they were initially envisioned, in six spacetime-spanning parts?

No, because then I would have only been in the first game, and I would never have got the appearance upgrade.

And finally- are hot pants the answer to the Xenosaga universe?

Yes- yes they are.

This Week in Anime

“Mmm, good apple.”

“Crispy and sweet.”

Oranges find a new guardian to protect their stronghold.

Don’t like oranges? Try some lemons.

Forget Cup Noodle- try some Cat Noodle.

“I shall prove myself worthy of these olives and meat buns!”

“So I just put it in the backside here, right?”

The Pizza Hut era in Darker than Black begins.

Fruits band together to make an assault on meat.

“Looks like the horse is ready and waiting.”

July Anime Awards

The “Best Anime Ever” for Consistent Quality in the Face of Declining Standards Elsewhere goes to Dennou Coil, the new best anime ever.

The Darkly Comical Award for Finding Amusement in Suicide Attempts goes to Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei for its bleak humour.

The ER Award for Longest Medical Arc goes to Saiunkoku Monogatari II.

The “Where are the Answers?” Award for Frustrating Lack of Plot Development goes to Darker than Black.

The “What the Hell is Going On?” Award for a Complete Lack of Sense goes to Mushi-Uta.

The Rail Adventures Award for Train Otaku goes to Tetsuko no Tabi.

The Predictably Amusing Award for Mild Entertainment goes to Doujin Work.

The Insomniac Cure for Dullness is shared between Seirei no Moribito and El Cazador de la Bruja. Watching the former before bed the other night was a good way to induce tiredness.

The On the Rails Award for Standard Adventures goes to Romeo X Juliet and its mining arc.

The HARD GAY Award for Effeminate Males is still held by Koutetsu Sangokushi.

The Inoffensive Award for, well, Inoffensiveness goes to Higurashi no Naku Koro ni Kai.

HARD YURI corner: Kaleido Star New Wings

Having lost her HARD YURI lover, Sora has to resort to Hyper Self Pleasure until Kalos arranges for her to have STRAIGHT with a new performer, Leon. Unfortunately, Leon decides that rival May is better at STRAIGHT, and Sora is left to continue her Self Pleasure. In desperation, she returns to Layla and even tries Yuri as a partner, but despite her continuing cheerfulness, she cannot land a permanent partner. After much training, however, she is finally worthy of Leon, but choosing him will mean giving up HARD YURI forever in favour of STRAIGHT…

OST spotlight: Fantastic Children

As excellent as the series it accompanies, the Fantastic Children OST uses haunting piano and cello themes alongside some Celtic-style tracks to weave a melancholy and poignant atmosphere. Even if you haven’t watched the series yet (and if you haven’t, why not?), this OST is a must-listen.

Notable tracks: Voyage (Cello version), Befort no Kodomo-tachi, Helga, Helga no Zensei, Helga (Cello version), Sentou, Mizu no Madoromi

Mini-editorial: Acquisition above enjoyment

There comes a stage in every collector’s life where you find yourself buying items at a rate faster than you can appreciate them, be it manga, anime or games. When this happens, one has so many unfinished games, unwatched DVDs or unread books that it isn’t hard to lose interest entirely- after the brief flicker of getting something good in the post, the item in question is merely tossed into the nearest shelf and abandoned. Is this phase inevitable, or will we always end up in a state of buying things to have them rather than to use them? Can we ever recapture the old feelings, even if it means a break from that hobby? I know this factor contributed to the close of my first gaming era, and so in this era, I’m only going to buy games once I’ve finished or definitively abandoned the ones I have.

Harem of the week: Cloud Strife (Final Fantasy 7)

A man of few words and so few accomplishments that he had to claim his best friend’s memories for his own, Cloud nonetheless exuded some kind of pull over women.

Harem

Aeris: The quiet and innocent flower girl with mystical powers, predisposed towards Cloud due to her attraction to Zack.

Tifa: The childhood friend with large “melons”.

Priscilla: The young animal lover who instantly vows to marry Cloud.

Jessie: The chirpy freedom fighter with a penchant for disguises and fake IDs.

Yuffie: The headstrong teen ninja with a flippant attitude.

Barret: He may be a man, but you can go on a date with him at Gold Saucer. He may or may not like giving Cloud “gun”.

Don Corneo: Can be enticed to pick a cross dressing Cloud to spend the night with him, and may even try to land a kiss on him.

Rivals

Zack: Basically Cloud!Original version, he got the girl long before Cloud ever got his hands on her.

Fashion Police: Laharl

Sorry, Disgaea, but the time has come to send the Fashion Police into the Netherworld, and their first target is none other than demon Overlord Laharl. Although a flowing scarf can be used to compensate for a multitude of sins, nothing can completely erase Laharl’s crime of fabric (or rather lack of it). Yes, taken on their own the shorts and shoes are not too bad, but when reconciled with the fact that there’s a lot of skin showing and not really much else to the outfit, the time comes to declare that the heat of the Netherworld is nothing compared to looking well turned-out and presentable.

Fashion sense: D

Amusing Search Terms

You toube is back! I feel as if I’ve been reunited with an old friend.

azure alternative: Offering an alternative to Azure Flame- not reading Azure Flame.

pink toube: Only pink videos allowed

romance, words, thoughts: “I love you”

nanoha parodies: Always wanting more parody.

RPG maker beyblade sprites: Once you mention it, Beyblade never fully goes away

Added a new parody movie to the movies s: Did you? Good for you.

rpg maker xp resources blood: Actually, I did work on some blood splatters a while ago.

virtual sex: Let’s all have a good laugh

watch tenchi forever online: I know they mean the film Tenchi Forever, but it amuses me to think that they want the ability to watch Tenchi indefinitely.

techniques to give a gay man pleasure: As I said before, he likes it from behind.

.hack// incest: Also known as Legend of the Twilight.

anime having sex: Anime can have sex now? Is manga its partner?

“foreign demons”: damn those foreign demons.

what is the code for azure flame: Use the secret knock to gain access to our headquarters.

yuri sora festival: What is this?

toki packaging: Packaging for a clock?

great doctor in romance three kingdoms: This makes me think that Doctor Who is going to visit the Three Kingdoms era…actually, that’s not a bad idea.

anime desire angel: Heavenly Pleasure.

touka broken utawarriors: How can Touka be broken?

gundam seed gay: You know the reason Kira never touched Lacus was because he wanted Athrun.

manga art large boobs: Tenjho Tenge.

gay bold: Better than gay italic.

runner: how does this simple one word search reach my blog?

Fei Wong’s Villain Phrasebook

Greetings, aspiring villains of the week, month and series! Have you ever found yourself stuck for something to say in a tense situation? If so, Fei Wong’s Villain’s Phrasebook was written for you, and to show you how useful it can be, Tuesday Rumble has been given permission to print an extract from the book as special preview.

When things go wrong

Remember, you must never seem to have made a mistake, no matter how poor your judgement was in any given situation. To that end, use these catch-all phrases to shift blame away from yourself.

• “You may have won this time, Hero, but no matter- everything is going to plan!”: try to instil the impression that you know what you are doing by pretending that events are all proceeding in accordance with a higher-order plan that only you can understand.
• “You may think you have won, but this is just the outcome I hoped for!”: A stronger version of the above.
• “So, you foiled my plans for now, but I won’t give up so easily!”: sometimes, even the most skilled bluffer cannot cover up a blunder. In this case, admit your mistake but make up for it with unshakeable determination.
• “This didn’t play out as imagined, but no matter- in the end, I will be victorious!”: similarly, you can pretend that there is simply no need to sweat the small stuff- the means are unimportant since the outcome will be to your advantage.

Dealing with underlings

Underling incompetence is something you will inevitably come across, and you must be prepared to deal with it. One method is to simply kill the offending minion, but if you wish to let them live, you must have a good phrase with which to do it.

• “I will give you another chance, but mark my words- fail me again and your will adorn a spike on the castle gates”: threats of physical violence are an invaluable motivational aid- feel free to be creative and replace the second half of the sentence with your favourite punishment.

• “I will give you a new weapon with which to complete your task, but this time, I expect results!” A catch-all phrase for upgrading the underling with your latest device or transformation.

• “Remember, the lives of your family depend on your success.”: if the underling cares little for their own safety, motivate them by threatening their nearest and dearest.

• “If you ever want to see your son again, do exactly as I say!”: similar to the above- use variations on this phrase to “encourage” an underling who has started to sympathise with the heroes.

Explaining your goals

Any villain worth his salt should be able to set forth his aims in a clear and coherent manner, and these phrases will help you do just that.

• “This world is in chaos and disorder; I must replace it with a new and better one.”: the perfect excuse for destroying the world.
• “Humanity has become tainted and corrupt; they need a new order.”: insist that you are taking action for the good of everyone.
• “This is my centuries-old destiny.”: if in doubt, just shift the blame to the people who came before you- you are merely fulfilling their wishes.

We hope you have found these extracts useful, and encourage you to order your copy of Mr F.W. Reed’s work from your local bookseller.

How to spot a Darker than Black cat

As felines become ever more powerful in our world, it becomes imperative to know how to tell between an ordinary and fairly harmless black cat, and a powerful darker than black cat. Here are a few tips to help you identify whether your cat is merely black, or a sinister darker shade of black.

• Observe your cat in a dark room- if it seems to form a hole in space into which you will inevitably drawn into, it is darker than black.
• A DtB cat is more intelligent than an average cat, since it is linked to a wireless network containing part of its consciousness.
• DtB cats are especially lazy, and will tend to grow fatter over time (may require long term observation).
• DtB cats are also particularly evil, and have acquired a taste for human flesh. Observe your cat when it is in a playful mood- will it react to cat toys and pieces of clothing, or does it only go after human flesh?

Nodame Cantabile 21

Such baseless accusations.

“Did you like your first taste of HARD GAY?”

“Seduced by my manly charms, he gave himself up to bliss.”

“It was the best HARD GAY of my life!”

“If only I was more than a passing character of little plot importance.”

Nodame’s piano somehow transports to a psychedelic location.

Koutetsu Sangokushi no Go

“He’s the best Go player I’ve ever met- a 9-dan!”

“For within it dwells the spirit of Fujiwara-no-Sai!”

“I love Go, and yet there is more to it than a mere game.”

“…perhaps he must study shogi.”

“He was obsessed with the game.”

Random Thoughts: Athrun

This week we chat to Athrun of Gundam Seed and Destiny fame. So, Athrun, did you ever feel annoyed that you were cheated of screen time and God Mode in favour of Kira?

Of course I did! I am much bishier than he is, and an all-round superior person, but those damned writers forced me to play second fiddle to him!\r\n

So, your HARD GAY feelings towards him don’t extend across your professional lives, then?

Who said anything about being HARD GAY for Kira?

Oh, come on, everyone can see it- and no STRAIGHT man would pilot a pink Gundam.

How dare you make such accusations? Didn’t you see me with Cagalli, Lunamaria and Meyrin? I’m a real ladykiller!

I think they call this denial, but anyway, moving on…how do you justify the awfulness of Destiny?

I don’t see why I should justify it- I did the best with the material I was given, but those damned writers wanted to focus on Kira and angsty Shinn.

And I suppose the flashbacks were to help us all remember what happened last episode, in case we had forgotten.

Yeah, that’s right…now if you’ll excuse me, I have a date with Kira…er, I mean an entirely MANLY outing where we discuss girls and drinking and stuff like that. Goodbye.

This Week in Anime

Shirley (from the manga of the same name) reveals that she was a previous owner of a Rozen Maiden.

Where some villains rely on the Bank of Scotland, others prefer English money.

Kou family conference on the best techniques for disabling oranges is held in SaiMono.

“Greens to Base: we have successfully infiltrated the Red basket.”

Al offers backup to the Reds by taking out a Green agent.

I couldn’t have said it better myself.

“Now, which one shall I choose?”

“Hands off- those apples are more important than you are!”

“No, don’t put them in the mixer! They’ve done nothing wrong!”

Magatamas make a return appearance.

HARD YURI corner: Devil Lady

Jun Fudou always enjoyed HARD YURI with her friend Kazumi, but when the enigmatic Asuka Ran showed her the ways of bestiality, she became torn between the two. Desperate to keep her lover, Kazumi moved in with Jun and even suggested that they buy a double bed, although Jun sidestepped this by ordering a bunk bed.

Soon, Jun settled into a routine of pleasuring Kazumi by day and having bestial HARD YURI with Asuka by night, but it was a situation that could not last- especially as various male admirers continually tried to tempt her to BI. After various events, Kazumi finally learned bestiality in order to be closer to Jun, but died shortly after, leaving Jun to Asuka. Asuka revealed that she was the ultimate HARD YURI dream- a woman with a Zhuge Liang- but after she violently raped Jun, Jun realised she actually preferred Kazumi’s gentle touch all along. With this in mind, she killed Asuka in one last intense session of BEAST, and prepared to start a new life- hopefully finding a new lover along the way as all her male and female admirers had long since been killed.

OST spotlight: Final Fantasy VIII

Another step up from the preceding Final Fantasy OST, FF8 starts well enough with some memorable themes, but unfortunately becomes distinctly average by the end of its four disc selection. Several tracks appear to have a slightly different arrangement than their in-game versions, making them more suited for listening to outside the context of the game; all of them are synth heavy, however, although with more complex instrumentation than FF6-7. Looping is less of an issue here, although in its place the key themes are remixed many times.

Notable tracks: Liberi Fatali, Balamb Garden, Blue Fields, Don’t Be Afraid, The Landing, Force Your Way, The Man With the Machine Gun, The Extreme

Worthiness: It’s heavy on synths and remixes, but in true FF tradition it delivers some decent themes.

Mini-editorial: The dangers of pretension

It is tempting to become pretentious when talking about anything- given the right mix of rhetoric and high-sounding phrases, anyone can sound educated enough to scare off their peers. Indeed, some interesting discussion can arise out of this sort of post, but when it comes down to it, perhaps we shouldn’t lose sight of the fact that anime is not the most high brow subject matter. After all, for every Mushishi there are all too many Mahoromatics and World of Narues- light entertainment intended purely as titillation. And when you come down to it, are we writing about anything more than nice-looking cartoons designed to entertain viewers and fill half hour slots on television? To quote from Animation Runner Kuromi, “we’re not making high art- this is business”.

The point, then, is that while it may indeed be interesting to make in-depth studies and overanalyse everything, we should equally not take it all too seriously. If we can’t step back once in a while and just look at our hobby from an outside point of view, we may well end up getting too wrapped in it for our own good.

Harem of the week: Takayuki Narumi (Kimi ga Nozomu Eien)

When your first girlfriend ends up in a coma, the solution to your angst is clear- assemble a harem of devoted women to permeate every corner of your life.

Harem

Haruka: The original girlfriend and ditzy type; ends up in a coma for three years before awakening without being told how much time has passed.

Mitsuki: The rival who always had feelings for the lead, takes Haruka’s place as main girlfriend when her friend falls into a coma.

Akane: Haruka’s younger sister, has hidden feelings for Takayuki.

Ayu and Mayu: The work colleagues, one rude and outspoken, the other quiet and klutzy.

Nurses: Three nurses at Haruka’s hospital, comprising the sick loli, the sexy older woman and the shy student.

Rivals

Shinji: Former school friend with feelings for Mitsuki.

Fashion Police: Bebedora

Compared to some of the other Arc TOS designs, Bebedora may not seem too bad, but take a closer look and you have to question what the designer was smoking. Even discounting the worrying predominance of pink, the yoghurt-pot hat that covers the top half of the head and the oversized shoes, we must ask- why is there a mouth in her dress? Worse yet, in combat the mouth can actually open and close, dispensing items if needed.\r\n

Fashion sense: E

Amusing Search Terms

It seems the reason “you toube” doesn’t appear anymore is that Google now automatically gives the results for searching for “YouTube”€ instead.

hunter x hunter Chimera Ant video: how can you have a video of something that was never animated?

self pleasure techniques: lol, hahaha, lmao, etc

sex 23: what’s the 23 for? Is it the searcher’s age, the number of people they wish to do it with, or a class like “Home Improvement 101″?

romeo benvolio gay: Benvolio can only dream of stealing Romeo away from his HORSE.

Koutetsu Sangokushi gay?: Surely not.

girls hard nipples: How can I be anywhere near the top results for this search

live lolicon: :\

barren wasteland: I didn’t think my blog was that bad.

anime kos-mos naked +photos: you do know she’s only programmed for HARD YURI with Shion, right?

The lesson we must learn from this week is not to write Tuesday Rumble at the very last minute- but would you have noticed if I hadn”t mentioned it?

A guide to WOOD

Whilst the better characters take down the enemy soldiers, Hakuoro prepares himself for battle with that deadliest of foes- inanimate WOOD.

Ever since it made its debut appearance in Utawarerumono, WOOD (as opposed to plain old wood) has proven itself of a silent yet undeniable importance in the worlds of anime and gaming. Here’s a brief guide to its uses and appearances.

• In SRPGs, obstacles made of WOOD often appear, and have a variety of uses, from blocking the progress of your units to acting as equippable items. As much as it can be a deadly foe, WOOD can also be a powerful ally- for example, in Phantom Brave one can do damage in the hundreds with merely a wooden crate equipped.
• WOOD’s presence in anime tends to be more silent and unobtrusive, but even so it seems to provoke the ire of certain characters. SaiMono’s Soujun detested WOOD after he realised it was more erudite and attractive than he was, and often smashed tables and chairs for no reason. Other characters will often smash wooden objects in the heat of the moment.
• WOOD takes on especial importance in the world of Harvest Moon, where Anton must learn to chop it with his axe- out of need rather than any personal grudge. Similarly, RTS games such as Warcraft rely on units chopping WOOD for lumber.
• In fantasy worlds such as that of FFIX, advanced technology is not permitted- unless of course it is made of WOOD. Even airships can be made of it.

Parodying SaiMono Fanfiction

• Ryuuki stared out at the practice field with undisguised lust. Seien ani-ue had been the first one to enter his lonely life to show him that Pleasure could be gentle, and now that they had found each other again, he longed to pick up where they had left off. Drinking in his brother’s rippling muscles, the Emperor found his gaze drawn inevitably downwards, and felt a thrill of pleasure when he imagined being impaled on Seiran’s mighty Sword.
• “Ouch!”exclaimed Seiran as Ensei got out his weapon. “Your Staff is far too long to be waving it around like that!”

“I’m sorry,” replied Ensei, “but it’s been so long since we were last alone like this- you can’t blame me for not being able to control myself.”

• Staring down at his naked body, Eigetsu tried to console himself. “The situation isn’t so bad that I’ve had to resort to Hyper Self Pleasure, it really isn’t. I’m just satisfying Yougetsu’s desires, that’s all.”
• Reishin had waited so long for this day- in fact, it was the only reason he had taken the boy in in the first place. He had carefully supervised Kouyuu’s growth and development, ensuring that the young man never grew too interested in women; in fact, he was utterly delighted that Kouyuu seemed to actively dislike them. And now the time had come for all his hard work to pay off. “Draw your Sword, boy,” he commanded his adoptive son, “and we’ll see how much of a man you are.”

Shining Tears X Wind 4

If only the weather was so easily controlled in this world.

Wait a minute- wasn’t this a fantasy world?

“You may know it as technology, but demonic alchemy sounds more evil.”

From out of nowhere, a laser cannon appears.

Quite. Now can the series end, please?

There’s always a Lord of Chaos causing trouble somewhere.

Commence Souma’s Question Time!

Next episode: some Elf on Elf action.

Random Thoughts: Anna

This week, we catch up with Anna from Chevalier!

Anna, was it ever hard being the fiancée of a man who was so obviously HARD GAY?

Sorry, could you repeat the question? I thought I heard you say that d’Eon was HARD GAY, which can’t possibly be true.

Oh, sorry, my mistake. Well then, how did you feel when d’Eon and the others left you in France with barely any screen time?

Well, I had to come up with reasons for screen time, like writing letters to him and making sure to be in the background of any plot-related scenes back in France. It wasn’t ideal, but I did the best I could; I just don’t understand why d’Eon never wrote back to me.

I hope you don’t mind my bringing up painful memories, but why didn’t you run from Louis when he was slowly walking towards you with his sword in hand?

I was going to run away, but the director called me to say my contract with the show was up, and I was just so shocked that I couldn’t move.

And finally, what happened to your plans for a spin-off show with the Dauphin?

Oh, that’s still in the works, but Broglie seems to be delaying the process for some reason.

This Week in Anime

Shameless advertising in El-Cazador as the Noir and Madlax buildings are spotted (offering female Sword and Coca-Cola respectively).

“These fruits are just trying to live!”

“My magic CCTV setup is ranked among the best in the world!”

conference between grapes and lemons (as mediated by an apple) is rudely interrupted.

Oranges arrive in SaiMono land.

Anime Awards

Slowest subbed anime of the era goes to Love GetChu, for being behind series subbed this year.

Most sitting and talking of the week goes to Seirei no Moribito, as it continues to keep exposition as its stock in trade.

HARD YURI corner: Kaleido Star

When Sora Naegino joins the Kaleido Stage, she quickly learns the ways of American HARD YURI. Whilst contenting herself with partners Mia and Anna, Sora lusts after star Layla Hamilton, and after a great effort, manages to gain her recognition, tearing her away from a STRAIGHT relationship with Yuri Killian. Sora and Layla enjoy a brief yet pleasurable partnership before Layla injures herself in the bedroom, forcing her to retire from HARD YURI.

Whilst searching for a new partner, Sora once again makes do with her friends, as well as child prodigy Rosetta. Will she find happiness with a new HARD YURI partner, or has the time come to go STRAIGHT? Find out when New Wings makes it into HARD YURI corner.

OST spotlight: Bakumatsu Kikansetsu Irohanihoheto OST 2

A series second OST always has a hard job in following the first, but Iroha does a good job, offering a solid soundtrack that pretty much equals the first. With its period flavour and mix of atmospheric action tracks and slower pieces, Iroha continues to evoke the best of other soundtracks such as the Uta game and SaiMono, whilst standing above both those examples. There’s still the obligatory remix of the main theme, but if you enjoyed the first OST, the second is required listening.\r\n

Notable tracks: Kumikyoku Irohanihoheto ~Soutetsu~Youjirou~Kakunojou, Kouya Ruten TV Size, Yami no Kodou, Tsurugi no Sadame, Houkai

Mini-editorial: No room for B and C titles?

A couple of weeks ago, ADV told us there was no room financially to license B and C grade anime titles, a fact I made fun of on Sunday when we learned that they had licensed Xenosaga. Whilst it is obvious that no company would want to license something they would most likely make a loss on, the irony of ADV saying this is laughable at best. What kind of person considers Samurai Gun, Yugo the Negotiator, Coyote Ragtime Show, Gokujou Seitokai and Xenosaga A grade titles? Pumpkin Scissors and Red Garden at least have the name Gonzo behind them, regardless of their actual quality, but can ADV really be said to be harvesting the cream of the crop? Yes, they are putting out some very good titles, such as PPD, Chevalier, Kurau (which I would consider A-grade, but was treated poorly in terms of waiting three years after licensing to get released) and now Air, but it seems clear that despite what they say, ADV have far from learned their lesson about not licensing any old crap. Then again, what can we expect from the instigators of the Hurai Suzumiya incident?

Harem of the week: Daisuke Niwa (DNAngel)

As if periodically turning into a Phantom Thief after his fourteenth birthday wasn’t enough, Daisuke just didn’t seem to know which girl to choose- and it didn’t help that there was a boy after his affections too.

Harem

Riku Harada: The quiet and stoic one- comes from behind to steal our hero’s heart.

Mio Hio: The annoying and flamboyant one with a tendency to slip into Engrish; an artificially created life form whose feelings for Daisuke enable her to perform a bit of dues ex machine at the end.

Towa: The Eternal Guide and (much) older woman, becomes the Niwa family’s maid and also seems interested in Daisuke’s grandfather.

Risa Harada: The initial lead girl, usually quite shallow and selfish.

Satoshi Hiwatari: He may be male, but he seems to have an interest in staying close to Daisuke.

Rivals

Dark: The Phantom Thief who resides in Daisuke’s body, plays with Risa’s affections.

Krad: Dark’s nemesis, not so much interested in girls as just causing trouble.

Takeshi Saehara: Daisuke’s friend and classmate; quickly gets a crush on Mio.

Fashion Police: Darc

This week the Fashion Police have started their cleanup of the Arc: Twilight of the Spirits world, beginning with the half-human, half-Deimos anti-hero Darc. Not blessed with the best of looks to begin with thanks to his mixed heritage, choosing a questionable mixture of sandals, armour that protects the chest even as it leaves the abdomen exposed, and some sort of scarf/beach towel combination that passes as a kilt. The poor guy did try to redeem himself with wings in the first chapter of the game, but sadly they got ripped off.

Fashion sense: F

Amusing Search Terms

Old favourites: hard yaoi, yaoi episode hard, you toube sex gay, ship videos you toube

badass manly anime review marimite: MariMite, a show truly overflowing with testosterone.

hige nipples: Hige, someone’s after your nipples.

“amigo tacos” nadie: See the power of advertising- now everyone wants a taste of Taco Taco Tacos, Oishii Tacos.

underage lovers: keep your tastes to yourself.

“Yu Gi Oh”+card+appraisals+current: Yep, that’s me, a veritable fountain of up to the minute Yu-Gi-Oh information.

Lost episode 24 ending theme: Wait, shouldn’t you at least have gone to my other blog? Not that it has music information.

flamed tops boys were: don’t kept me in suspense!

Harvest moon – How do you pick up the di: Diaper? Diamond? Diplodocus?

magical gril lyrical: Coming soon, Magical Grill George Foreman!

flame work maker/ Flame word maker: Eh?

bishie deck the halls: Deck the halls with A-rank bishies, lalalala lala lala.

dark days anime: Those were dark days, almost chaotic, one might say.

+school rumble +yuri: Ah yes, that simmering attraction between Mai and Sarah.

anime cleaners: An exciting tale of cleaners, told across 26 episodes. Will they scrub the toilet first, or leave that task until later?

anime year ago: We have regular years, and anime years.

fate stay night h-scene sound: You sick pervert, you just want to hear Rin moan, don’t you?

.hack//gu Yuri: Come on, surely there are better places to look for yuri.

how to pleasure a gay lover: He likes it from behind.

rotk hentai: “Yes, your Liang is certainly Zhuge,” whispered a pleased Liu Bei…

self-pleasure art: I may have started drawing again, but not that.

White Screens, Stills and 0kb episodes- the future of anime according to Bee Train
Tired of anime that has all that confusing and hard to keep up with content like dialogue, movement and action? Fear not, for Bee Train sympathises with you, and is doing their utmost to spearhead a new generation of animated series that will surely appeal to those looking for a more manageable experience! Here are some of their upcoming projects:

• Watching Black Paint Dry: An exciting 26 episode epic about paint drying! Will the paint be dry by the end of the series? Will it make any discernible difference to what we see onscreen? The only way to find out is to watch the whole thing!
• The Space Between the Panels: An epic tale that tries a creative new version of manga adaptation- instead of adapting the content of each manga panel, this series shows us what goes on in the white space between each manga panel! The series will be scored by Yuki Kajiura, with That Same Old OP You’ve Heard A Hundred Times Before performed by Ali Project.

Every Bee Train project will be available to acquire from its official website, in convenient 0kb files that download instantly, and do not take up any space on your hard drive! Don’t miss out!

How to be a female action character
A couple of weeks ago we learned what it takes to become a female mecha pilot, but what about female characters in action series? There’s no time like the present to investigate their role further.

• There are two classes for female characters to fall into in action series; either she must be a childhood friend who pines after the lead despite his blatant lack of romantic interest in her, or she is a bitchy ‘tough girl’ who is renowned for her strength but rarely wins on screen.
• The tough girl will always lose when fighting against named male characters, and indeed after the first episode her only on screen victories will be against generics or other women.
• Although she may have received many years more training than the lead, she will always be much weaker than him, his hot-headed best friend and his icy cool rival.
• Any decision that a female character makes will always be the incorrect one and so she will usually be overruled by the wiser main characters and told to stay at home and look after some defenceless generics. If she chooses to defy these orders and go out and fight, she will be kidnapped by a general of evil, forcing the heroes to go and rescue her.
• Any female allowed on the battlefield with any sort of regularity will usually be a healer or white mage type. At a stretch, she may be able to communicate with animals and allow them to protect her.
• If the female is a (twin) sister to one of the important male characters, it will always be the male who receives the Destined Plot Powers. The female’s job is to heal him and provide support- he can fight without her, but she only exists to back him up.

Nodame Cantabile 12

“It was just one ‘piano’, but when we reached a ‘crescendo’ I felt as if I was experiencing a whole orchestra!”

“Or to put it more plainly, that STRAIGHT was good.”

“Thank you for satisfying my needs.”

“I’m the main character- I can sleep with who I like!”

Heroic Age 4

“…with a healthy dose of BI.”

“It takes me a while to get the motor running these days, so just be patient.”

“If we did, these would become chaotic times, not unlike the Three Kingdoms.”

Random Thoughts: Dii

You’ve gained a certain notoriety for remaining largely silent during your early anime appearances? Was there any reason why you chose not to speak?

…

Sorry, just teasing you; what I actually want to say is that they didn’t hire a voice actor for me until later in the series in order to save on costs, so I obviously couldn’t say anything until then. I have to say that I wish they’d chosen a better VA for me, but again that was a budget decision.

Do you ever feel jealous that Hakuoro, who was clearly the less worthy of the two of you, got the better deal in terms of playability and screen time?

I can’t say I’m exactly pleased that the inferior half of Witsurnamitea got all the attention, but what did make me happy was that I was still able to build up a fanbase. Thanks to that, I was able to really shine in Utawarriors, and hopefully this is a good sign that I’ll have a solid following for future projects.

What exactly was the point of your actions anyway?

None whatsoever, really- the creators wanted a final boss, I auditioned for the role and got it. The way I see it, Dii probably wanted to create a HARD GAY world and felt a little frustrated at Hakuoro for turning STRAIGHT with all those beautiful women. Getting into make-up for Monster Dii was a real pain, though; they’ve actually sold my costume to Age in Heroic Age now, and I don’t envy him one bit for having to use it from the very first episode.

How do you feel about being made the chibi mascot of Tuesday Rumble?

Any publicity is good publicity, I always say- although the more I look at that image, the more I realise that I should have worn better clothes for Uta.

And finally, what are your plans for the future?

I’ll keep hosting Tuesday Rumble in chibi form, obviously, and hopefully those phone calls for the True Utawarerumono and Utawarerumono Empires will come through soon.

This Week in Anime

Pair of apples caught having secret affair.

Apple takes one small step into space.

“Apple, you and I have made one giant leap for our respective species.”

Argento Soma- were apples the main characters?

Anime Awards

Darkest Black Cat of the Week can only be Mao from Darker than Black, the series that taught us that there are colours darker than black.

Most Boring Episode of the Week goes to El Cazador de la Bruja, for any of the weeks in which it has aired so far.

Most Tangled Storyline of the Week goes to Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicle, as the manga takes yet more twists and turns.

HARD YURI corner: Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha
When Nanoha became a magical girl, it was the first sign that HARD YURI was about to enter her life. First she found herself pitted against fellow magical girl Fate and her HARD YURI familiar Arf, but after Fate was released from being submissive to her mother, she was able to choose Nanoha as a lover.

Over the coming season, however, the pair realised that they needed new lovers, and so they made an effort to recruit new faces in the form of Hayate and her guardians. Whilst Signum showed clear attraction to Fate, Vita pursued Nanoha, whilst Hayate proved to be the glue that bound the HARD YURI team together.

Now, in the latest season, Fate, Nanoha and Hayate have become so strong that they must place a limiter on their HARD YURI in order to prevent themselves killing weaker partners. Now, with their jaded tastes forcing them to pursue new partners, they accept Subaru, Teana and other newcomers into their team. Will this new HARD YURI prove successful?

OST Spotlight: Chrono Trigger
Yasunori Mitsuda’s work on this may not be up to the level of his Chrono Cross OST, but this soundtrack is one of the worthier ones from the SNES era. Its 16-bit origins translate to a lot of synth and a heavily electronic feel but the majority of the soundtrack is solid enough, with a sprinkling of more memorable themes. The slower, more poignant and mystical tracks are probably the strongest, with the comical and military style themes coming off as weaker. Expect a fair amount of remix, however.

Notable tracks: Memories of Green, Wind Scene, Secret of the Forest, Battle, The Brink of Time, Time Circuits, Chrono and Marle ~Far Off Promise~, World Revolution, To Far Away Times

Mini-editorial: Growing out or Moving on?
It isn’t uncommon to get bored with a particular hobby or want to take a break from it (see my continual references to the gaming era), but when it comes to anime, let’s quibble over semantics- should it be said that someone has ‘grown out of it’ or that they just ‘moved on’? Although it ultimately doesn’t make any difference, saying that one has ‘grown out of it’ intimates that anime is ultimately a kiddy pursuit that everyone will eventually tire of as they mature, rather than simply being a hobby that some will keep up with and others will tire of. Admittedly, a lot of anime is aimed at a younger audience, but even so, is it fair to label it as a hobby for someone who hasn’t really grown up yet, and assume an air of superiority because one is now watching less anime? Is it just that people who still watch a lot of anime don’t want to feel bad about spending time on an effectively pointless pursuit?

Licensing Reactions

• Air (ADV): No one can know how much I have wanted Air on DVD, so I will be snapping this up when it arrives- although I may forego the movie, which I didn’t enjoy as much.

In Your Reflection

This week we look at the visually impaired CLAMP heroes that infamously caused Hopeless’ blog to be picked up by an optician blog aggregator. I may have missed some out through lack of memory, but I’m sure commenters will rectify that. Expect spoilers.

First up, Tsubasa’s Fye, who loses an eye to Syaoran-clone and then trades the sight in his other eye to get back to his home world.

Tokyo Babylon and X/1999’s Subaru loses the sight in one eye after Fuma takes it in order to fulfil his wish of being like Seishirou. He eventually replaces it with Seishirou’s eye.

Also from Tokyo Babylon and X/1999, Seishirou loses the sight in one eye after being stabbed whilst protecting Subaru from an attacker.

Syaoran-real loses one eye when it is given to Syaoran-clone, leaving them each of them blind in one eye (until the clone steals Fye’s eye).

Watanuki loses the sight in one eye to divert a spider’s curse from his beloved Doumeki, but afterwards Doumeki gives half the vision in that eye to him.

Fashion Police: Jo (Burst Angel)

The Fashion Police have finally knocked on the door of Burst Angel, and first to be arrested is Jo. Although she doesn’t look too bad in action and when wearing her red jacket (not picture), with it off, a distressing lack of fabric is revealed. The top is basically a brief triangle, whilst the shorts are all too brief. I guess her special abilities are the reason she doesn’t get cold.

Fashion sense: D

Amusing Search Terms

Old favourites: you toube sex, Busou Renkin hentai, ” hack perfect audition sea

shishi dog tattoo: Come to Azure Flame, tattoo heaven.

hard yaoi: I only mentioned this once, and now I get consistent searches for it.

she detonates explosives: Do I?

azure startup disc: You now need a special startup disc in order to load my blog.

Tokiko sex: Soon to be an old favourite.

detective school Q: Another series I have never mentioned.

I’ve been reading Viz’s release of the Hikaru no Go manga, and although I’m opposed to edits in general, the ones here are amusing by virtue of their half-heartedness. For example, in the scene where Kaga stubs out his cigarette on a Go board, they can’t seem to decide if it’s okay for it to be a cigarette or whether he “put out his gum” (you can smoke chewing gum now?). On another occasion, his cigarette is changed to a firecracker he just happened to be setting off for no reason, but the teacher calls him a “gum chewing brat”, whilst still other scenes of smokers are left as they are. So, are cigarettes evil, or is it firecrackers and gum that are leading our kids down the wrong path? You decide, for Viz cannot.

Harvest Moon O
Farming has been the duty of the Anton line ever since the original Grandpa Anton left his farm to his grandson, but how is that multiple generations of Antons can live in the same town and interact with the same group of people? The answer lies in Harvest Moon O- like Paradigm City of Big O, Mineral Town, Fogert-Me-Not Valley and Flowerbud Valley are all effectively stages on which similar events play out over and over again. Each time a new Anton (or Antonia) agrees to farm, the town is reset and he is forced to remain within its confines until he has built a successful farm, married and had a child. Upon his death, the town resets again, but since the system is constantly updating and refining, the reset town is usually a little bit more advanced, with the eventual goal being to breed the ultimate farmer who can handle the highest level of farming simulation. So, if you’ve ever wondered what that eternally locked shed on the farm in A Wonderful Life is for, the answer is here- it is the control room for the town simulation.

The Chevalier Death Awards

• The Getting In Early Award for Dying Before the Series Even Began: Whilst Belle was already in skull form by the time we met her, the winner can only be Lia, whose death provided the impetus for the entire series even as her spirit borrowed d’Eon’s body.
• The “My Contract Ran Out” Award for Dying From Non-Serious Wounds: The prize goes to Robespierre, who didn’t really seem to be that seriously wounded from being stabbed by Broglie, but bade farewell to his comrades and departed for the next world anyway. Amazingly enough, Robespierre had already come through an earlier death without too much trouble.
• The Gargoyle Award for Dying After Becoming a Grey Monster: Although early casualty Bernice is a runner-up in this department, he cannot match up to the agonising end experienced by poor Durand.
• The “I’m not Dead Yet” Award for Comically Villainous End: Saint-Germain is the winner here for somehow turning into a Gargoyle, digging his way out of a ton of rubble, and appearing in the final episode for no real reason.
• The “Why Did I Sleep With Broglie?” Award for Dying from a Disfiguring Condition: Louis XV wins here after ill-advisedly having HARD GAY with Broglie opening the BOOK.
• The “My Lovers Betrayed Me” Award for Being Killed by Gargoyles: Gargoyle attacks were common in the early episodes, but only Empress Elizabeth suffered fatally for sitting down to dinner with some suspiciously grey men.
• The “I Bribed the Director” Award for Dying Many Episodes After Everyone Thought He Would: This award can only go to Voronzoff, who managed to stay alive far often than his mid-boss role would have indicated.
• The Death in Dignity Award for Taking Poison: Unlike the gory deaths of many of the other characters, Marie was able to enjoy a quieter end after sipping the poisoned wine prepared by Louis.
• The Farewell Limbs Award for Being an Early Enemy of the Week: A prize that can only go to Caron, a man who existed merely to be an opponent of the week and consequently get killed by Lia.
• The “I Took the Head out of Whitehead” Award for Explosively Losing One’s Head: Unsurprisingly, Paul Whitehead wins this award after Robespierre causes his head to explode.
• The “Come and Get Me, Then” Award for Standing Around and Waiting to Be Killed: Anna walks away with the prize (or would if she were alive) after standing motionless whilst Louis slowly walked towards her and ended her life.
• The “It Can Take Up to Fifteen Minutes to Die” Award for Getting Hanged: Despite his generally dislikeable nature, who couldn’t feel a pang of sorrow for poor Peter as he was tearfully led away to face the hangman’s noose.
• The “Save the Last Dance for Me” Award for Taking a Bullet for One’s Master: Teillagory lost his life in a bizarre waltz as he threw himself in the path of a bullet meant for Orleans.
• The Guillotine Award for Falling to the Classic French Execution Method: Robin-Robespierre met his end at the blade of the guillotine, just as history dictated.
• The “Where’s the Anti-Aging Cream?” Award For Dying After Becoming Amazing Wrinkled Within the Space of One Episode: After sparring with Robespierre in a Book vs. Cane duel, Dashwood seemed to have the upper hand, but he couldn’t contend with rapid aging and the Hellscape spell.
• The “It Was My Time” Award for Dying in an Uninteresting Way Compared to Everyone Else: An award created for Pompadour, who was killed by Robespierre in a decidedly non-flashy fashion.

GetBackers Pick ‘N’ Mix Part One

“My hard drive has corrupted, and all my porn is lost!”

“Ah, I remember when little Makubex first found that adult website.”

HARD GAY comes at a price.

“Call that a Zhuge Liang? It’s barely a Liang!”

Ban promises to pleasure the latest client all by himself.

“You aren’t very well-endowed, are you?”

“I hope you don’t mind having HARD GAY in here, but we don’t want other people to know we’re really men in disguise.”

“So, what sort of HARD GAY do you want?”

“Technically, we shouldn’t even be asking for it from you, but…”

“With our work schedule, we don’t have much choice other than to ask you.”

“Yes, that’s what my lovers nickname me.”

Short parody: Fushigi Yuugi

(Miaka: I love Tamahome, but I don’t deserve to be with him, so I’ll just run away and try to solve everything on my own, thus making everyone worry and probably getting caught in the process.)

Miaka is caught the instant she steps away from her Celestial Warriors.

Nakago: Gwakaka, your warriors are no match for me! Not even Tamahome can match my bishie good looks!

Yui: I hate you, Miaka, because not only did you fail to teleport over and save me from some generic men, but you dared to take Tamahome away from me!

Miaka: How can you have feelings for Tamahome? You barely know him!

Yui: I could ask the same of you.

Miaka: Ah, touché.

The Celestial Warriors arrive to rescue Miaka. Tamahome challenges Nakago.

Nakago: Foolish boy, you are no match for me!

Tamahome: Think again, Nakago! Not only is Chichiri’s magic somehow protecting me, but I have Miaka’s love and the power of love on my side!

Nakago: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Miaka is rescued.

Tamahome: I love you, Miaka.

Miaka: I’m sorry, but I don’t love you.

(Miaka: If I admit to our love, something will go wrong, so I’ll just make him miserable.)

(Tamahome: Oh no! I had better go and angst now)

Miaka: I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it- I really do love you.

Tamahome: Well, now I’m not so sure we should get together.

(Miaka: He doesn’t love me after all! I must angst.)

Tamahome: Sorry, I was being a jerk just then. I love you, Miaka.

Miaka: Tamahome!

Tamahome: Miaka!

Miaka: Tamahome!

Tamahome: Miaka!

Hotohori: I love you too, Miaka, but since I don’t have a chance with you, I’ll just marry this random woman whilst you leave me behind in part two of the series..

Nuriko: I love you, Hotohori, but since I can’t decide whether I’m HARD GAY, BI or STRAIGHT, I also love Miaka.

Chichiri: I’m not bishie enough to be a love interest, although I was quite good looking in flashback.

Tasuki: I’m HARD GAY for Koji, but I also secretly wish to turn BI and take Miaka for my own.

Mitsukake: I have a tragic doomed love backstory, but am too generic to have much additional development.

Chiriko: I’m too young to have a personality!

On the Seiryu side…

Yui: I love you, Tamahome!

Nakago: I shall pretend to love you, Yui, whilst jumping into bed with Soi to replenish my ‘mana’.

Soi: I love you, Nakago.

Tomo: I love you, Nakago!

Amiboshi: I love you, Miaka!

Suboshi: I love you, Yui, although I am also HARD GAY for my twin brother!

Miboshi: I am just generic and evil.

Ashitare: Grrr.

The history of fruit in anime
Apples may be the world leaders in animated fruit, but even as they try to solidify their power base, other fruits are seeking to dislodge them from the top spot. Whilst bananas use their suggestive nature (Sakura Diaries) to gain power, lemons rely on their bitterness (Red Garden, Nodame Cantabile) and others like oranges (Argento Soma) and grapes (SaiMono) merely wait quietly in the background. Are any of them a match for the mighty apple?

Random trivia: In order to get the same ‘goodness’ and nutritional value as you would have by eating one orange and one tomato fifty or so years ago, you must consume six modern oranges and ten modern tomatoes. Eat up.

HARD YURI corner: Mai-Otome
At Garderobe Academy, young women who wish to forget about men and become full-fledges students of HARD YURI are invited to come and study under the most HARD YURI couple on the planet- Natsuki and Shizuru. Girls are accepted after demonstrating their ability to satisfy their teachers and upperclasswomen (Chie is especially demanding, but pity the girl who gets Maria), and progress through the school by providing extraordinary service in the bedroom.

Unfortunately, all is not well in Otome world, for men such as Sergey Wang have been tasked with subverting girls from the path of HARD YURI, and turning them STRAIGHT with the help of their Zhuge Liangs. Can the likes of Arika and Nina discover the HARD YURI joys of a bath scene with Erstin, or will Sergey win them over with his mighty Wang?

OST Spotlight: Kurau Phantom Memory OST2: Crimson
Whilst it can be hardly denied that the second Kurau OST contains some remix, the quality does not suffer for it. There are times when the slower themes run the risk of blending into the background, but give them your full attention and the quality of composition really begins to stand out, ensuring that this is another blend of beautiful and haunting music that stands proudly alongside the first OST.

Notable tracks: The Power, Moonlight ~Essence~, Tomorrow’s Treasures, Drag Racer, Daily Life ~Heartfelt~, Moonlight ~Farewell~

Mini-rant: Does it really always have to have a deeper meaning?
I don’t know about you, but I still have memories of the English lessons of my school days, and one thing I recall is how, when analysing poetry, I couldn’t help wondering if we were just pulling stuff out of our backsides reading things into it that the original writer had never once intended to convey. Similarly, when it comes to anime, some reviewers seem to think it appropriate to try to over-analyse and ascribe so-called ‘social commentary’ to almost every series they watch. Is such a practice really necessary? Is it their way of justifying the fact that they watch anime to family members and ‘outsiders’ who would otherwise think they were wasting their lives in front of ‘cartoons’?

Whatever the case, whilst there are a handful of series that touch on current events (such as the terrorist situation in 2^nd Gig) or perhaps have something deeper to say about society, this certainly can’t be said about the vast majority of anime- and ultimately, what is wrong with that? Anime is marketed as a form of entertainment, and therefore, if anything, it should act as a bit of escapism. Is S-Cry-ed a tale of shifting political tides between a powerful mainland and an island struggling to forge its own identity, or just an excuse for men with special powers to beat each other up? Is Elfen Lied a harrowing tale of the mistreatment of children, or a gore-fest punctuated with fanservice and harem elements? Is Gantz a scathing commentary on the state of contemporary society, or a young man’s fantasy world of big guns and big breasts? Even if the answers lie somewhere in between, we should take care not to aggrandise the motives of a series to the extent that we make it something it was never meant to be. So just sit back, relax, and accept that while anime can indeed be very good, it isn’t really meant to be high art. And if you still want social commentary, why not try a topical news show instead?

In Your Reflection

This week we have a three-way comparison between three pale-haired girls who aren’t quite what they seem- Aquarion’s Rena, Mai-HiME’s Mashiro and Karin’s Anju. Whilst Rena is wheelchair-bound with occasional vampiric tendencies, Mashiro is wheelchair-bound and possessed of her own secrets, and Anju, whilst more mobile (at least at night), is a vampire

Fashion police: Ender

We return to .hack//Roots for a second time to pick on Ender, a villainess with a predilection for showing off more flesh than we ever needed to see. As well as making a rather dull choice of darker colours for her entire costume, Ender’s asymmetrical outfit leaves us to choose between bad and worse- bad being the bizarrely shaped armour and metal thong, and worse being the lack of effort put into her exposed right hand side. Fortunately for us all, she soon switches to using another player character, even if that is ManPai.

Fashion sense: D-

Amusing Search Terms

The old favourites: lolicon, you toube, bouncing breasts

moe kare scanlation: I don’t even know what this is.

“knight of justice”: that’s me- oh wait, it isn’t.

Under Flame manga: Ah yes, that well known manga.

anime love: Love in anime, or love of anime?

Pr0N TOUBE 15: There were 14 others?

Yu-Gi-Oh!: The Night Before: ‘Twas the night before Yu-Gi-Oh, and all through the house, not a card gamer was playing, not even Yugi Mutou…oh, you get the idea.

hack harvestmoon: Stop trying to hack it- unless of course you have a cheat to switch off those damned hurricanes and blizzards.

watch shows of dragonball z: Are you sure you want to?

harvest moon wonderful life otaku: Can you actually be a Harvest Moon otaku? Do you have to dress like an Anton every day and tend to imaginary animals?

noir we had to let you have it

carol vorderman my q: Ah yes, I am the prime internet source for Carol Vorderman.

gay dragonball z: Did you see how Goku was looking at Vegeta? They’ll be comparing their “Super Saiyan muscles” in the bedroom tonight, I’ll wager.

what was the phases of the moon on march: Moon~!

fate stay night visual novel screens: You naughty boy, you want to look at Rin naked, don’t you? Or is it Saber that floats your boat?

diary multi year: Azure Flame will soon be releasing custom multi-year diaries for its users. These diaries are special in that they are invisible and use no materials to create.

large anime doll makers: The thought of a giant Kanaria in my home scares me.

stratos 4 doujinshi: I’ll only make a doujin if it stars the Admiral, and she’s a bit too fat to fit into a manga panel.

chokotto sister nudity: Just download any chapter, really.

.hack//roots tabby -nude -naked –profani: “Quick, let’s look up as many rude things as possible before Mum and Dad get back!”

Stratos 4: The Admiral

Fat cat fans- rejoice at the release of this new Stratos 4 OVA, starring The Admiral herself! As this OVA reveals, the series’ chubby feline is actually a real admiral, and now it is up to her to save the earth from the largest meteor yet- by going up into space. With General/Shogun as her co-pilot, The Admiral will brave high altitudes in her experimental new ship, boldly going where no cat has gone before! Look forward to it!

Red Garden: Setting the bar for angst
Want to know the best excuses and situations for angst? Look no further.

1. Your mother is ill and your father is working away from home, forcing you to look after your increasingly irritating siblings.
2. The man you like is actually evil, whilst your HARD YURI sorority fellows are continually checking on your activities.
3. You find all your friends irritating and shallow no matter what they do, but in order to get decent conversation, you must drink bitter coffee with your teacher and get accused of having an affair with him.
4. You barely have enough money to pay the rent, but pride insists that you quit your job (only to return later), live away from your father (but borrow money from your brother) and skip classes since education and qualifications could not possibly land you a job better than flipping burgers.
5. Your previously nameless and generally bland brother has just died, but you must continue to fight despite the hindrance of your oversized lips.
6. Your cousin is dead and your sister is dying, but since you are surrounded by an evil faction, all you can do is be evil.

Zipang Pick ‘n’ Mix

The generics sense that a HARD GAY encounter may be imminent.

The named characters remain evasive for fear of having to invite the generics into their bed.

“Your HARD GAY is now most impressive.”

“The only way to find out is to go to the bedroom and try them for ourselves.”

“Before that, I have to know if you are even up to the task of matching me in the bedroom.”

“I would hate for either one of us to die because of improperly performed HARD GAY.”

This one says it all.

Short parody: Escaflowne

Allen: I am bishie and I think I love you, Hitomi- what more do you need?

Hitomi: I’m sorry, but I prefer Van.

(Van: Damn women- the only lover I need is the Escaflowne itself).

A report comes in that a town has been attacked.

Hitomi: Oh no, it’s all my fault!

Allen: Damn, my lottery ticket wasn’t a winning one.

Hitomi: I’m so sorry, it was all my fault!

Van: You know, I never did get that toy sword I wanted as a child.

Hitomi: That was my fault too! Everything that has ever gone wrong in the history of humanity happened because of me!

Van: You know, maybe we should deal with your ego issues before we continue this quest.

The history of the moon in anime
Although it is most often confined to a presence in still shots, the moon has always held importance in anime. From wars between the Earth and the moon in the likes of YoakeNa and Turn A Gundam to visiting bases on the moon in Kurau and Planetes, the satellite remains the closest and more convenient place for off-world activities in science fiction. Perhaps surprisingly, however, the moon has also brought its legacy to Earth in the form of Busou Renkin’s Moonface (aka Lunar Nicholai), a man whose head can resemble any of the phases of the moon.

HARD YURI corner: Red Garden
Thanks to her insatiable love of HARD YURI, Lise took four separate lovers- Claire, Rose, Rachel and Kate. Following her death, the other four turned to each to form a HARD YURI unit, unaware that they were not mere HARD YURI lovers, but resurrected young women tasked with fighting men so that HARD YURI could flourish. Although they were initially scared to become experimental in their intense bedroom encounters, at the urging of their pimps Lula and JC, they learned to become more daring with their HARD YURI, with even the quiet and submissive Rose showing some spirit.

Unfortunately, everyone around them remains jealous of their HARD YURI bond, forcing them to stand up to young men fearful of HARD YURI and the HARD YURI members of the school’s Grace. Can their love survive?

OST Spotlight: Sousei no Aquarion OST 1
Yoko Kanno is certainly one of the most well known names as far as anime music goes, but when it comes to praising her work, the Aquarion soundtrack has yet to receive the attention it deserves. Although this OST is more skewed towards the classical side of her work, Kanno’s skill is still very much in evidence, proving that classical-style anime music does not have to be dull, repetitive or restricted to piano and strings. Alongside the slower and more grandiose themes, there is a healthy mix of catchy faster-paced tracks that carry the listener along for the ride. A strong offering, and one that is highly recommended to anyone who listens to anime music, however infrequently.

Notable tracks: Sousei no Aquarion (onii-sama to), Macho Battle, Max Bomber Girl, Michelle, Kikaitenshi Aquarion, Brown Horses, Dragon Reika, Pride~journey of grief, Omna Magni

Licensing Reactions

• Higurashi no Naku Koro ni (Geneon): Although it’s possible that they also have MariMite, SaiMono and Nanoha, I won’t talk about those until it’s official; however, as the presumable answer to the ANN competition, Higurashi at least must be a sure thing. Although I was temporarily won over by the creepy first arc and the goriness of Shion’s rampage, in retrospect Higurashi simply had too many weak points to be worth investing in.

Mini-rant: What’s my license?
Ah, who doesn’t remember the good old days? Chocolate bars were bigger, the internet was slower, and companies actually came out and told us which series they had licensed. In this new age, however, that is no longer the case- instead we have to be subjected to tedious viral marketing campaigns and “Guess the license” competitions at Anime News Network. Now, whilst this may have been an interesting gimmick to some when it first started, it seems I’m not the only one to be getting thoroughly fed up with it by now. All I care about is what has and hasn’t been licensed, so just announce it already! Do we expect to see “guess where the rapist struck?” or “which crime do you think this man committed?” on the news? Admittedly, anime licensing is less important, but do we really need to jump through hoops just to learn when a particular series is coming out on DVD? Just tell me straight how much to pay and when to pay it (if it is indeed worth buying at all)- that’s all I need to know.

In Your Reflection

This week’s head to head is between Chrono Crusade’s Joshua and Scrapped Princess’ Forsyth. Both are the blond haired brothers of the respective female leads, who are essentially good natured but have been forced by circumstances to live with the leads’ enemies.

Fashion police: Peorth
Ah, Peorth, I like your hairstyle, but why did you have to dress like a bondage queen? No doubt many people like it that way, and I have to admit it doesn’t look too bad if you glance at it out of the corner of your eye, but sadly, it doesn’t stand up to close inspection. The basic black bikini would be fine for a swimsuit episode, but aside from the fact that it looks a little too chilly and revealing for day to day wear, it is only made worse by the hideous orange buckle and strap combination (luckily she’s a goddess so we don’t have to worry about its defiance of the laws of physics). Unfortunately, the fingerless gloves and short boots in the same colour just serve to make the overall effect worse.

Fashion sense: D

Amusing Search Terms

ONE TOO MANY: Better cut back.

how to save in the diary on harvest moon: Sorry, but I can’t believe that someone is so incapable as to be unable to save their game in Harvest Moon.

Summer Days Episode: Ah yes, I remember that exact episode.

mai breast: Coming soon, Mai-Breast- all fanservice and no plot! Oh wait, that was Mai-Otome.

word round up: In the Word Round-Up, I review the most commonly used phrases of the week, such as “Hello”, “I’m fine”, and “I promise it will be done by next week”.

December 1^st: A truly great day, December 1^st, for it is the first of December. Don’t tell anyone I told you, though.

“Love it or loathe it”: marmite?

sei4C: I wish I could say something witty about this.

NOIR / WE HAD TO LET YOU HAVE IT: This must be a line from the HARD YURI Noir sequel.

game maker sprite flames: Will RPG Maker sprite Robespierre do?

Lolicon: it’s getting popular again, to the extent of 50 searches on some days.

you toube basketball: It’s good to see you toube continuing to evolve.

large boobs: more H-cup.

Busou renkin hentai doujins: No, please…no.

how can use my audition perfect hack: I don’t know.

Harvest Moon gay love: Anton loves his wife, his horse and his chickens, but not other men.

auditionsea cash hack: Did I hear you say cash?

game characters: How specific.

My Meine Liebe Wieder: Yours? Are you the creator?

Dangerous love: Is it worth the risk?

This week I have some advice that will probably be of no use whatsoever to most of the people who read this- never let yourself get into a situation where you have to dance with a fat old lady who completely lacks any sense of rhythm. Also, should you happen to be the child of such an old lady and come to think it would be nice to take her dancing with you and your partner- don’t do it. Remember, some poor sap will have to dance with her.

The anime guide to wooing your beloved
Last week, I completely forgot about Valentine’s Day until after Tuesday Rumble had been written, so unfortunately, I was unable to include anything relevant. Never one to pass up an opportunity, however, I went to the effort of contacting a select group of anime and game characters so that they could give essential advice to those wishing to impress the object of their affections.

Anton (Harvest Moon): I’ve never had any difficulties with love, so I don’t really get what all the fuss is about. Every day I just pick some random flowers that are growing in the local area and present them to Popuri- it took a mere two seasons of this to increase her affections for me to their maximum level. We have never even been on a date or talked about anything other than the most superficial of topics, but even so, she has agreed to marry me.

Harima Kenji (School Rumble): I have to admit that I’m still having trouble winning Tenma-chan’s heart, but the method I recommend is to draw a manga of the prospective relationship between you and your beloved. Once she reads it, love will surely follow.

Tenchi Masaki (Tenchi Muyo!): I have to admit I’ve never really had to do anything to attract the girls; if anything, I need methods to keep them away! My advice is just be yourself, and the more average you are, the more likely it is that the girls will like you.

Hakuoro (Utawarerumono): The key to love is to be ambitious- never think that you have enough women until you have slept with every member of the opposite sex around. Jealousy is always a problem, but by keeping them in separate wings of your well-appointed castle, this can be minimised. If you need male assistants to take care of trivialities such as running an empire, make sure they are all HARD GAY men who will be uninterested in stealing your women away.

Yuuichi Aizawa (Kanon): Some men prefer to have multiple women at the same time, but I have discovered that the optimum method is to have an arc with each of them in turn- once you have got all the use you can out of the girl, she can be discarded as you move on to the next one. If you are especially, she will die or otherwise leave the story and you won’t have to worry about her sabotaging your chances with the next girl. Remember, there’s no need to worry about treating her well; just make her feel like an inferior being who should consider herself privileged to be able to spend precious time with you.

Emiya Shirou (Fate/Stay Night): Despite what others say, I have found the most important thing is to maintain a high level of cohesion between your various harem members. Invite each girl to live with you as soon as you can- only in such intimate circumstances can your relationship be tested to the limit (not to mention the opportunities it provides for sneaking into their bedrooms at night).

Introducing…Eva Burger
We’ve just seen the launch of special Eva-themed drinks, but where can the franchise go from here in its attempts to prise money from our wallets? The answer, of course, is to launch a new chain of fast food restaurants- Eva Burger. With eighteen branches, each named and themed after a different Angel, Eva Burger offers an utterly new fast food experience (or at least a conventional fast food experience cunningly disguised with papier maché and costumes). Staff are required to wear plugsuits or NERV uniforms, whilst ketchup and straws are dispensed from a large Unit 1, and trash cans are shaped like Unit 0. Meals include the following-

• The Gendo Burger: a mysterious burger with a special secret sauce recipe that no one can quite figure out.
• The Rei Meal: as tasteless as the cardboard and Styrofoam it is made out of.
• The Asuka Meal: uncomfortably hot and spicy.
• The Shinji Meal: the standard meal set, each has a different defect- from misshapen burgers to missing fries.
• Misato Nuggets: they look normal, but every so often you get one with a strange taste.

More options will become available as the popularity of Eva Burger increases. Future menu choices include the Ritsuko Shake, the Kaji Breakfast and Toji Ice Cream.

Death Note 17

Soichiro chooses a secluded place in which to seduce his lovers.

L reveals his new Bondage Special to Light.

“I didn’t realise you were HARD GAY.”

L explains that he is not willing to let Misa have Light to herself.

“I already told you I had another lover.”

Mogi reacts badly after reading the latest parodies on Azure Flame.

Light explains that there certain acts he considers too obscene to carry out.

L is understandably disappointed at being denied the opportunity to try those techniques.

“Short Parody: Deltora Quest” has been cancelled after I randomly decided to give it a full parody.

The history of fat cats in anime
Weekly Awards have now been changed to Monthly Awards. For now, the interim weeks will contain this “History of…in anime” feature.

Although the obese feline was often a background staple in anime series, it was only with the rise of Stratos 4 that they truly gained prominence as a huggable character type. The pioneer in this field was The Admiral, a lazy grey and white cat who gained weight through years of eating leftovers from the Chinese restaurant that serves as her home. Although The Admiral did not, as was initially hoped, prove to be a real admiral trapped in cat form who saved the day at the end of the series, she proved to be an ambassador for fat cats, raising their profile everywhere. She even adopted an apprentice, The General (aka Shogun), a small white kitten who she hopes to fatten up and raise as her successor.

After this strong start, 2005 proved to be a watershed year for fat cats in anime, bringing us not only Mikoto of Mai-Otome, but also President Aria. With a new and huggable shape that defied the laws of biology, Mikoto was truly the highlight of Mai-Otome, even proving to be just one member of a whole species of this new type of chubby grey feline. As if she wasn’t huggable enough, the bizarre form of Martian cat President Aria brought still more converts to the side of fat cats, with his distinctive ‘punyu’ winning over the hearts of many.

Despite the subsequent lack of any really high profile kitties to add to the roster, fat cats continue to make their influence felt throughout anime with cameo appearances such as that of ‘Big Boss’ in D.Gray-man. Even when their furry bulk is not filling our screens, images and plushies ensure that they will never be forgotten.

HARD YURI corner: Noir
With HARD YURI skills so intense that they usually ended up killing their lovers, Kirika Yuumura and Mireille Bouquet were forced to live alone, at least until they met each other. Despite Mireille’s jealousy over Kirika’s superior HARD YURI skills and her subsequent need to continually put her new lover in her place, the couple commenced a life of HARD YURI under the code name Noir, sleeping together at night and killing men (a threat to HARD YURI) by day.

What they did not realise, however, was that their actions were all part of a plan set in motion by Altena, a woman who defied the generic males of her organisation in her efforts to bring HARD YURI back to prominence. In order to spice things up, Altena decided to encourage a threesome by sending HARD YURI devotee Chloe to Kirika and Mireille. Eager to see how their relationship dynamics would evolve, Altena manipulated the lives of these three women, eager to see whether Kirika would end up with Mireille or Chloe.

In the end, however, despite Chloe’s unique HARD YURI skills, Kirika chose to be with Mireille, and the pair even killed Altena lest she force them to become her sex slaves. Now the official queens of HARD YURI, Kirika and Mireille stepped out in a new world- but will the men of this world accept their love, or will they try to infect it with STRAIGHT and BI?

Licensing Reactions

• Karin (Geneon): Given that Tokyopop had already picked up the manga, this license wasn’t a big surprise, but this mediocre mix of comedy, romance and spurting blood isn’t something I plan to pick up on DVD. As I said in my annual round up, Karin was one of those series that seemed like it could have been good if it was just a little different, but it was hard to pinpoint what exactly needed to be changed.

Mini-rant: What Golden Age?
Following on the heels of last week’s rant, this week examines the claim that anime has only got worse in recent years. According to the proponents of this theory, once anime was in a Golden Age where classics such as Eva and Akira littered the floor, whereas these days it’s all about fanservice and lolis.

Now, whilst 2007 may not be the best year to argue this point, given the lack of anything truly outstanding thus far, still I feel the time has come to argue against this so-called Golden Age. Putting aside my personal feelings that Eva and Akira aren’t really all they’re cracked up to be (such things can be covered in a future piece), let’s not forget that those years saw their fair share of forgettable series, most of which have happily fallen under the radars of most. From the laughable cheese of ROTK to the gratuitous sex and violence of sci-fi OVAs such as A.D. Police, the past year had plenty of series that deserve burning on a pyre far more than burning to disc.

Now, let’s take a look at 2005-6; once again, there was a lot of crap, but even so, these were not years totally devoid of hope- after all, these were the years that brought us the likes of Aria, Mushishi, Saiunkoku Monogatari and Le Chevalier d’Eon, to name but a few. There may be more anime around now, and certainly more that is readily available to international viewers via DVDs and ‘acquisition’, but as I mentioned last week, there is still a select proportion that is good, and a lot that is average, mediocre or downright awful (who wants to be the first commenter to mention Sturgeon’s Law). In the end, this is true of both the past and the present; the past may seem better due to the fuzziness of memory or the less stringent tastes you may have held then, but there really were no ‘good old days’. Try focusing on the worth to be found from more recent offerings as well.

OST Spotlight: Last Exile OST 1
Dolce Triade and Hitomi Kuroishi come together to create this strong orchestral soundtrack, which has its flaws, but still contains enough strengths to merit investigation. Whilst it falls down on its brass led military themes and slow vocal numbers, this OST also includes some well composed pieces that perfectly capture the sensation of both making a living on the surface and flying against the wind in a tiny vanship.

Notable tracks: Cloud Age Symphony, Flyin’ to Fly, Over the Sky

In Your Reflection

This week’s head to head is a battle of butlers between Keroro Gunso’s Paul and School Rumble’s Nakamura. Both now serve as butlers to the household of the series’ respective rich girls, but each has a military background and still takes enjoyment in combat situations.

Fashion police: Tidus

Whilst he does have to be given some credit for the complexity of his uniform, unfortunately, when it comes to the actual content, Tidus cannot deliver. As if the bare chest wasn’t bad enough, the sides of his jacket are also cut too short, and when combined with his cut-offs, it leaves altogether too much flesh showing. Even with the black base, mixing together three bright primary colours is also too much for the eyes, especially in his CG form, where the yellow is even more prominent. Looking even more closely, we must question the design of his arm guard, not to mention the way his trousers seem to unzip in segments. All in all, a sports uniform turned into something quite bizarrely hideous.

Fashion sense: D-

Amusing Search Terms

Lolicon: you just clicked looking for lolicon, didn’t you? There isn’t any on this blog, so try again.

audition+hacker, audition perfect hack, download free hack perfect auditionsea, getting hack audition: the mystery persists.

hack of harvest moon back to nature: In the hacked version, Anton is invincible.

fate stay nigth season 2 review: There’s a second season?

torture: watching a 26 episode marathon of .hack//Roots should fit the bill.

large boobs: try drinking some milk.

you toube: If you Google this, you will now find Azure Flame in third and fourth position. Now if only I could be that highly ranked for things I actually do write about.

Saiunkoku Monogatari fanfiction: ‘Seiran gazed into the liquid brown eyes of his lover… “What are you doing with that horse?” asked Ensei.’

A romance of three Kingdoms CCTV

top love hina: Top of what?

acid trip: Cat Soup.

miguel ayman: At long last, Miguel is gaining the recognition he deserves

Reading entire volumes of Kare Kano at once has made me forget that I can’t always do that with lesser series unless I want to end up with a headache. Maybe it’s something to do with the layout or typesetting of certain series, but it can become a strain to read more than a few chapters of them, even if the actual content is not too bad (regardless of whether I’m reading from a book or the computer screen).

How to make friends the anime way
Think you know how to make friends? Think again, for no matter how many people you have become acquainted with, you probably still aren’t familiar with the tried and tested method of building up bosom buddies the anime way. So, ditch all your current friends and start again- I can guarantee you it won’t be worth it!

1. No matter how many people you encounter in the course of your daily life, it is inadvisable to interact with more than a handful of them. You may become good friends with two or three people, but do not even so much as think about talking with any others.
2. If you are a girl, you may have two friends- a quiet meganekko and a bubbly best friend are preferred, but if these two are unavailable you may opt for a brash sportswoman or a smart-aleck loli instead. A clueless rich girl can be cultivated as an acquaintance later in the series if required.
3. Males are allowed up to three male friends; the first two must be a hothead and a calm glasses wearing pervert, whilst the third is so completely lacking in personality that few even remember his name. If you are a shounen hero, you are also allowed to have a childhood female friend who is secretly in love with you.
4. If, at any point, you spurn these friends in favour of following plot-related pursuits, everything in your life will immediately go wrong (the power of friendship is not to be sniffed at). Fortunately, once you reach your lowest ebb, your friends will appear at your side to comfort and defend you, and you will make up with them. From this point onwards, your friends may not get any screen time, but they will remain steadfast and loyal.

Harvest Moon: A Life on the Farm
As video games and their respective consoles develop, so too does the Harvest Moon series of games, until one day the games will be akin to real time 3D immersion simulators. One proposed step along that path is Harvest Moon: A Life on the Farm, which is more tedious and more repetitive than any of the games that preceded it.

1. Your character now has to take better care of himself. You must go indoors to eat three times a day, carry a bottle of water in your inventory in case he gets thirsty and take him to the bathroom when he needs to relieve himself.
2. Miracle potions have been entirely removed in favour of breeding male and female animals. Breeding is restricted by the ovulation of the female, and so careful attention must be paid to dates. Breeding too much from one animal can cause exhaustion, whilst the rich farmer will be able to afford artificial insemination.
3. All animals must now be cleaned out, and given water as well as food. Even the dog and horse will now need feeding, whilst the horse may require a rug in winter.
4. Even useless animals can now breeding, bogging down your farm with yet more useless animals.
5. Crops can wilt or rot if not tended to properly.
6. Animals may escape if fences are not secure (fences rot almost daily, forcing you to replace them). Wild animals such as foxes will also appear to attack your livestock.
7. The villagers regularly gossip about you, so any misstep or indiscretion will become public knowledge, and they will all like you less. If they really hate you, you will not be able to buy goods.
8. If you get married, your wife forces you to have a large family. All of your children will be high maintenance, requiring expensive gifts in return for sitting around in your house all day doing nothing.
9. If you have the misfortune to die, your ghost will be tied to the farm forever.

La Corda d’Oro 6

Kahoko decides to give HARD YURI a try.

Fuyumi is only too glad to oblige.

“Could these be the first stirrings of true HARD YURI?”

Soon after discovering HARD YURI, Kahoko wonders whether she should move on to BI.

Hihara admits that he is starting to become attracted to girls.

“They don’t have Zhuge Liangs.”

“You were BI, and you never told me?”

Short parody: Scrapped Princess

Generics search for Pacifica.

Generics: Everyone, look for characters with detailed designs!

Pacifica: Hey, everyone, maybe if we dressed like generics, no one would notice us.

Raquel: Uh, actually…these are the only clothes we have.

Chris arrives.

Chris: I’m here to kill the Scrapped Princess!

Pacifica: Shannon, Raquel, fight this man whilst I stand back!

Shannon: Don’t you dare harm us, we’re the main characters!

Chris: Oh, you are? I’d better let you go, then.

Leopold arrives.

Leopold: Never fear, Leo’s here! I’ll protect you all from evils, like that Scrapped Princess!

Shannon: Do you have any clue what’s going on?

Leopold: I may not know much about the plot, but I do have a horse!

Later on the journey, Pacifica needs help from former enemy, Keydarf.

Pacifica: I’ll cut off my hand in exchange for your help if that’s what it takes.

Keydarf: Well, I was trying to kill you the other day, but when I found out that you were the main character, I realised I’d better help you instead.

Zefiris appears.

Zefiris: Shannon, I will be your deus ex machina power when the plot calls for it, but whatever happens, we must not defeat our enemies too quickly.

Shannon: I understand; let’s just defeat one now and leave the rest for episode twenty-four.

At Natalie’s fortress…

Senes: Greetings, I am the Beast Princess of HARD YURI; I even have the meganekko underling to prove it.

Natalie: Enough of that, it is time for exposition. Pacifica, you are the destined main character with the power to change the world.

Shannon: We already knew she was the main character- why do you think this series is called Scrapped Princess?

Pacifica: I’ve been on the run for years, but I never did bother to learn how to fight or use magic!

Natalie: That is to be expected, since practically every named character has a gene that compels them to protect you. It is called the ‘She’s the Main Character and Must Live’ gene, or Guardian gene for short.

Shannon: Genetics? Isn’t this a fantasy series?

Natalie: Foolish boy, didn’t you know that most fantasy worlds are just far future versions of Earth with a sci-fi backstory?

Shannon: Not again…

The Peacemakers visit Celia Mauser.

Cz: We would like permission to use our most powerful forms.

Celia: Nonsense- if I release the limiter on your powers, you might actually defeat the heroes!

Weekly Awards

Apples of the Week: This week, apples have been spotted in Otogi-jushi Akazukin, leading to suspicions that the appropriately named Ringo (apple) may be a ringleader in the evil apple plot to take over the fruit universe. Apples are also briefly glimpsed in the Hitsuji no Uta OVA.

Other Fruit of the Week: Actually a holdover from last week, Akazukin also saw a valley of strawberries.

Brown Animals of the Week: Last year was all about the generic brown dogs of Ginga Densetsu, but the torch has now been passed to the brown horses of Saiunkoku Monogatari and Scrapped Princess.

Fei Wong Follower of the Week: As Fei Wong’s ‘How to Be a Villain’ and ‘Villain’s Phrasebook’ debut on the bestseller list, it is time to point out three of his devoted followers- Iroha’s Nakaiya, ROTK’s Cao Cao and SaiMono’s Sa Chuushou.

OP of the Week: Twin Spica returns to prominence with an award for its OP, Venus Say.

HARD YURI corner: Madlax
After her father tried to kill her at age five, Margaret Burton realised the dangers of men, and created a HARD YURI protector- Madlax- to defend her. Unfortunately, she also lost all memory of this incident, and Madlax and Margaret ended up going their separate ways.

Nonetheless, neither girl was to go short on HARD YURI. Margaret engaged a maid, Eleanor, to see to her most vital HARD YURI needs, and was even able to attain tuition from the queen of HARD YURI herself, Vanessa Renee. Madlax, meanwhile, was to be even luckier; as the crystallisation of Margaret’s HARD YURI powers, she was able to make any woman fall in love with her. Rival Limelda and the mysterious Nahal both felt themselves inexorably drawn to Madlax’s charms, and even Vanessa herself engaged her as a HARD YURI lover under the guise of hiring a bodyguard.

When the evil Friday Monday tried to fight back against the HARD YURI by creating world of HARD GAY, all the females of the series were forced to unite against him. Even under the direction of bedroom observer Quanzitta, several lost their lives in the intense HARD YURI that followed, but thankfully the evil men were vanquished in the process. At this point, Margaret could have chosen to reunite with Madlax, but after realising that HARD YURI requires two people, she decided that it was beneficial to them both to remain separate. Margaret also took the third part of herself, Laetitia, home to train her in the ways of HARD YURI; other partners may die, but with the power to split oneself into multiple people, Margaret would never be left without a lover.

Licensing Reactions

• Mai-Otome (Bandai): Well, it had to happen eventually, but I can say here and now that I won’t be buying the train wreck that was Otome unless each volume comes with a custom plush Mikoto (please Bandai, release custom plush Mikotos…).

Mini-editorial: Nothing like the first time
Watching or reading a series for the first time is, by definition, something we can never repeat (at least without the aid of memory erasure). Once we have done so, however, what sort of value is to be found in revisiting that series? The element of surprise, so vital to many stories, is now long gone, and in its place, there is only the replay of events we have already experienced.

Still, whilst the first time has its advantages for many series, there are those that may well benefit from being seen a second time. Knowing exactly where the plot is (or isn’t) going removes an element of impatience; instead of worrying over how the story is going to pace itself or where it will end up, one can simply go with the flow. Would knowing that Mai-Otome isn’t going to become what we envisioned it to be when watching it the first time make a rewatch less painful? Does the fact that the Fruits Basket anime only tells part of the story become easier to bear once you know that is the case?

Of course, there are series that benefit from a rewatch for different reasons- namely those where we can better appreciate a big reveal by going back and noticing all the little clues that we overlooked first time. Naturally, our experience of the series will be different from the first time, but it will be worthy for different reasons, thus adding an extra dimension to our enjoyment. On the flip side, however, such reveals may taint what came before- for example, can we like character x as much second time around when we know what he or she is going to do later in the series?

My actual reason for going on about this is to put it into the context of reviewing; when given the task of reviewing a single DVD of a series, the person who has seen later episodes and the one who hasn’t will inevitably have a different perspective on those four or so episodes. Should the former person ‘pretend’ not to have seen later episodes and try to write as if they too are seeing the episodes for the first time, or should they accept their position and write along the lines of “these episodes may be slow, but the pace will pick up later on”? Aside from not giving away spoilers, there is probably no definitive answer to such questions, but it is certainly something to think about when writing or reading a review.

OST Spotlight: Madlax OST 1
Say what you like about Madlax the anime (as I intend to in an upcoming rant), but rest assured that regardless of its other issues, the music is top quality. Yuki Kajiura lends her distinctive style to the series, creating a compelling mix that perfectly complements the series- from fast-paced battles in the jungles of Gazth-Sonika to eerie and mysterious themes that characterise the unfolding mystery, in many ways, the music tells the story of the series far better than the actual writers do.

Notable tracks: Galza, Nowhere, A Pursuit, Margaret, Hitomi no Kakera TV Edit

In Your Reflection

This week’s head to head is between Misato Katsuragi of Neon Genesis Evangelion and Sayaka Kisaragi from Stratos 4. As well as their physical similarities, both women work under the commander and take care of the day to day operations and missions on their base, but know how to relax on their time off. Each has romantic issues relating to co-workers, however, with Misato pursuing old flame Kaji whilst Sayaka dreams of hooking up with Kazuma.

Fashion police

Having arrested fellow party member Selphie, this week the Fashion Police turn their attention to Zell Dincht of Final Fantasy 8. Aside from choosing an uninspiring combination of colours that could have used more black and less blue, Zell loses an infinity point for his cut-offs- he may have intended to look ‘cool’, but it actually seems as if he has outgrown a pair of trousers he wore as a child, but has not yet bothered to change them. The same can be said of his jacket, whilst his hair certainly does not need those front spikes, and the tattoo isn’t going to fool anyone into thinking he has street cred.

Fashion Sense: E

Amusing Search Terms

hack audition sea, audition sea hack, cash hack for auditionsea: not so prominent this week- either that or my brain is failing to register it.

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uri must start with: U?