Sensei enters the classroom.

Sensei: Class, today there is no class! As the world is ending tomorrow, we must make the most of our final hours?

Chiri: What do you mean, Sensei?

Sensei pulls out an diagram of CERN and the Large Hadron Collider.

Sensei: When they switch this on tomorrow, it will create a micro black hole and the whole world will be sucked in?

Kafka: I’m sure that won’t happen, Sensei.

Chiri: It’s just a baseless speculation- no sensible person would believe in it. Remember when the world was going to end in 1999?

Sensei: If we don’t take this seriously, then the world will really end and we’ll have missed a vital opportunity to completely disregard authority.

Sensei pours out a drink of alcohol, but it falls off the desk and smashes on the floor.

Sensei: Zetsubou shita! These reports of the end of the world have left me in despair!

• Dancing lessons would have been back on Friday.
• Tickets booked for events next year are now worthless.
• Even if the world does end, we won’t know it happened.
• The new school year has begun- all those wasted applications and homework!
• We needn’t have worried about resources running out.
• All those B-movies were wrong.

What’s in Naoki’s Newspaper?

Viewers of Itazura na Kiss will have noticed that Naoki pays more attention to his newspaper than his wife, but what is it that keeps him so occupied? We decided to suggest some possible articles that might have caught his eye.

• “How to be a Complete and Utter Bastard”
• “How not to be a Complete and Utter Bastard” (he keeps rereading it in the hopes that it will make sense one day).
• “Sweater Fashions: What not to wear”
• “Wil Schultz and Major Stork’s family advice column”

Blade of the Immortal 2

“Oh, homicidal- I thought you said homosexual!”

“You are a lousy lover!”

“But his Liang was Zhuge!”

“It is not the size that matters, it’s the technique.”

“Yesterday, you got greedy and tried to have two men at once!”

“One of them was an accursed gaijin, a filthy white man!”

“No man has ever tried to Pleasure two partners at once before!”

“And that one of them was a savage was even worse!”

“Who cares as long as you conquer your partner and force them to submit?”

“You don’t even need to undress to make me think dirty thoughts about you.”

“Teenage boys, on the other hand…”

“If you want to turn STRAIGHT, then you might as well go the whole way.”

“If you are as frustrated as you say, then show me by giving me the greatest Pleasure of my life!”

“Very well- I will.”

HARD GAY corner: Final Fantasy Tactics

Deprived of the HARD GAY a boy naturally enjoys with his brothers, Ramza Beoulve turned to his best friend Delita, but their happy years together came to an end when Delita decided to pursue new methods of Pleasure. Whilst Delita tried to set events in motion to cause the largest orgy ever, Ramza travelled the land, searching for the ultimate in HARD GAY partners. Unfortunately, all too often he was branded a heretic for hurting old men who only wanted little boys, but along the way he recruited the likes of Gun user Mustadio, “Hell in bed” knight Malak and Swordsman Orlandu to satisfy him in the bedroom. In the end, however, he decided that INCEST with his sister Alma was the way to go, and rode off into the sunset.

Mini-editorial: Are we too obsessed with tagging everything?

Mini-editorial is back (for this week, anyway), and we’re here to discuss the new(-ish) phenomenon that’s swept the internet- tags! From blog posts to images, everything can now be tagged with useful keywords that make searching for what you need that much easier, but whilst I find tagging as useful as the next internet addict, I have to wonder if we’ve gone a step too far. For example, these days when I write a review for Amazon, there’s an option to add tags to that review, and I have to wonder- does anyone actually use those tags in any constructive way whatsoever? Are we now at the stage where we tag things for the sake of it? Are we cluttering up our world with useless tags just because it’s a bit of a novelty? Or will the great tag infrastructure of the world someday prove useful? Like all things, maybe we need to use tagging in moderation- in some places, it is of course highly useful, but if it brings nothing to whatever we’re doing, maybe we shouldn’t be quite so tag-happy.

Harem of the week: Kazuki (Dual)

After being sent to a parallel universe, Kazuki discovered more than a few beautiful girls were up for spending time with him- all ultimately coming to live in the same house. What else would you expect from the creator of Tenchi?

Harem

Mitsuki Sanada: The main girl who comes across from Kazuki’s home universe- the tsundere type who hates any form of competition.

Mitsuki Rara: Mitsuki’s parallel universe counterpart; although she dresses up and plays the part of the overbearing enemy queen, her natural personality is reserved and self-effacing.

D: An alien being in an artificial body, she interprets things literally and has little understanding of the nuances of human behaviour.

Yayoi: The older woman, she acts as a mentor and teacher but holds a torch for Kazuki after he saves her life.

Spice and Wolf the game

Missing Spice and Wolf? Then why not imagine what it might be like if the series had its own video game? You’ll take on the role of either Horo or Lawrence as the pair of you travel across the country trading various goods. Collect data on the best places to buy and sell different commodities and slowly build up your fortune. Spend the money on buying shops, recruiting subordinates or just unlocking extras like costumes for the world’s shapeliest wolf girl. The possibilities are endless!

Also available are several mini-games, including the chance to play as Nora and guide sheep and travellers through the wilderness, and a ‘wolf-Horo’ mode where you can fight real time battles against other wolves.

*NEW* Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei: the lost chapters

We were in so much despair over the ending of Zoku Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei that we did the only thing we could- we brought everyone’s favourite despairing teacher over to Azure Flame to continue his bleak outlook on the world. So, over to you, Itoshiki-sensei!

Sensei: Doesn’t it ever get to you how people are always getting ahead of themselves?

• Deciding on a wedding ring while you’re still single.
• Buying textbooks for a course before you apply.
• Picking a name for your website before you sort out hosting.
• Spending your inheritance while your rich aunt is still alive.
• Killing husband before taking out a life insurance policy on him.
• Planning the décor before you buy a house.
• Drafting a letter of resignation before you even get the job.

Kafka: Yes, but isn’t it good to have everything prepared just in case?

Sensei: Zetsubou shita! The society that doesn’t plan properly has left me in despair!

Amatsuki 2-3

“…through the traditional method of HARD GAY!”

“Hands off my Ezo!”

“Does he prefer S…or M?”

“Will you go out with me?”

*NEW* The Jintarou Kyle Show

Welcome to a brand new feature, in which our chat show host, Jintarou Kyle, gets to the bottom of the problems that are tearing anime families apart!

Kyle: Hello and welcome to the Jintarou Kyle show; I’m your host, Jinatarou Kyle. This week, we investigate an increasingly common phenomenon in anime- children who left to live at home without their parents. First on the show we have Tenma and Yakumo from School Rumble. So, Yakumo, am I to understand that you have to look after yourself and your sister?

Yakumo: Yes, that’s right. I do all the cooking and cleaning.

Tenma: Wait a minute- I help!

Yakumo: Nee-san, it’s best if you don’t help.

Kyle: And when was the last time you saw your parents?

Tenma: When we were in elementary school- since then we’ve been living on our own.

Kyle: And is it true that you have to sell your bodies just to afford to pay the bills and keep living in the family home?

Yakumo bursts into tears.

Yakumo: I didn’t want to tell anyone about it, but there was no other way!

Kyle: Well, we have a surprise for you today- your parents are here at the show. Come on out Mr and Mrs Tsukamoto!

The parents emerge to boos from the audience.

Kyle: As we all know, there are two sides to every story, but I think you’ve got a hell of a lot of explaining to do. Why did you leave your two daughters to fend for themselves?

Father: Oh I don’t know- everyone does it.

Kyle: “Everyone does it”. Ladies and gentlemen, there you have it- the most pathetic excuse I have ever heard. With all due respect, sir- and if you don’t mind my saying, that’s very little- what you need to do is get off your backside and take responsibility for your kids!

The audience cheers.

Kyle: Next up on the show, I’ll be talking to the Minami sisters. Ever since their parents vanished, older sister Haruka has had to single-handedly look after her two younger siblings Kana and Chiaki. We’ll be hearing more of her incredible story right after this.

To be continued…

This Week in Anime

Melons!

Aagh, everyone’s turned black and faceless!

“This magic CCTV is sufficient.”

I know this is live action, but who could resist screencapping a car driving through a pile of lemons?

The watermelon overlord plots revenge for all those of his kind who have been smashed open.

“These lemons look as if they’ve been run over by a car.”

Careful, now- apples are the Devil’s Fruit (and not in a One Piece sense).

Here we see strawberries in captivity.

“Yay, giant Purples!”

Okay, I definitely don’t want to eat this…

“Now we take a close up of strawberries in order to observe their social habits.”

Eggplants make a stand for more screentime.

Even Neo Venezia isn’t safe from the fruit.

“Care to try some mushrooms? A man from Sunrise Studio sold them to me.”

“This is just getting ridiculous now.”

“How can you say that? Fruit and anime go hand in hand!”

Okay, so maybe there are reasons why you wouldn’t want to go dancing…

HARD GAY corner: Star Ocean 3

After being stranded alone on an alien planet, Fayt Leingod was more than pleased to be rescued by the muscular arms of Cliff Fittir, who taught him the ways of being a real man. Even so, over time, Cliff was no longer enough, and so on the planet Elicoor II, Fayt began plotting how to recruit more lovers. Despite the interference of women, Fayt was able to catch the eyes of the manly Adray and the bishie Albel- even going so far as to permanently recruit Albel into his party by means of a late night encounter in Peterny Inn. Indeed, with his ‘Blade of Fury’ and his ‘Blazing Sword’, there were few who could match Fayt in the bedroom, but it was his raging libido that gave him the strength to save the universe.

Mini-rant: 50Hz is so damn slow!

It’s time for a bit of a gaming rant this week, as I go into one about the disadvantages of being in the gaming backwater that is the UK. Being the cheapskate that I am, I usually forego importing games in favour of picking up a cheap PAL copy, and all too often, the conversion from NTSC leaves much to be desired. I should be happy, then, that more and more games are offering a 60Hz mode, but it makes going back to 50Hz all that much more difficult.

The biggest offender is- and always has been- Square Enix (or just plain Square back in the old days), who seem to delight in creating poor conversions that make the 50Hz player feel like they’re gaming in some kind of treacle-filled universe. Even the real-time battle system of Star Ocean 3 feels a bit slow under these conditions (especially as I played SO2 at about 100 frames per second in parts), whilst turn-based RPGs like FFIX sometimes seem slow enough that you could do a bit of light reading between turns. Isn’t bad enough that we have to wait so long for games without having to put up with this?

Harem of the week: Okazaki Tomoya (Clannad)

He may not have got any ero-scenes, but Tomoya was still granted plenty of opportunities to add to his harem, as befits a Key lead.

Harem

Nagisa: The main girl and ultimate winner in the after story, her determination belies her weak constitution.

Kyou: The tsundere, and manga’s favourite.

Ryou: Kyou’s sister, the quieter and more amiable one.

Tomoyo: Aspiring school president, she tries to hide her immense strength.

Fuuko: Obligatory loli ghost/projection of a girl in a coma.

Kotomi: Genius girl with a tragic past.

Rivals

Akio: Nagisa’s father, very protective of his daughter.

Sunohara: A friend and almost harem member despite being male, but nonetheless has his designs on the girls in the non-HARD GAY scenario.

Part II: Shu

Liu Bei: A youthful lover, effeminate to the point that no one really knows his (or her) true gender. Despite his lack of experience, his uncertain sexuality should please those who like to experiment.

Zhuge Liang: God’s own son, a master in the bedroom. Few have seen him “tackle out”, and it will take someone very special to get the full HARD GAY treatment from him.

Guan Yu: A rough and direct lover, consumed by the Lord’s Sphere to the extent of becoming violent in the bedroom.

Zhang Fei: Similat to Guan Yu, only even more lacking in finesse.

Zhao Yun: A skilled and secretive lover, he likes to laugh at any partner inferior to him. Only those able to keep up with his swift technique need apply.z

Part III: Wei

Cao Cao: In any other world, Cao Cao would be refined and effeminate, but as it stands he is more masculine than the other kingdom leaders. A man who prefers unpredictability and bondage in the bedroom, a night with him may be exciting, but not necessarily for the right reasons.

Cao Ren: A rough and boorish lover, not recommended except in the most desperate of circumstances.

Zhang Liao: A quiet lover, prefers to remain submissive in the background.

Xu Zhu: Likes to cosplay as a Man in Black- bring your nurse and maid costumes for a fun, kinky night with him.

*NEW* Dragons’ Den: Death Note

Welcome to a brand new feature based on the TV program of the same name, in which anime characters try to market their great idea to five fat cats of anime! President Aria made his fortune in the gondola industry of Neo Venezia, and is now CEO of a well-known company. Mikoto started her business in the capital of Wind Bloom, and is now a trusted advisor to the queen, with business partners scattered across the world. The Admiral‘ first business venture was to invest in a Chinese restaurant, but a meteor threat to Earth saw her buy shares in ground and space based defence technology, which she currently administers with her protégé “The General” (aka Shogun). Mr Tibbs started his career as a tea cat for the bank, but his sound grasp of finance saw him rise up the ranks until he became one of their most prominent managers. Finally, The Cardinal is the world’s most powerful fat cat, with a wide range of business interests that ensure that he has a paw in every pie (often literally, depending on his appetite). These five cats represent some heavyweight investment clout in every sense of the word, but is any deal attractive enough to get them to roll off their backsides and shake paws with a budding entrepreneur?

First into the Den is Light Yagami, looking to secure investment in his new innovation, the Death Note.

Light: Hello everyone, I’d like to present my business idea- the Death Note. Basically, you write down a person’s name whilst picturing their face, and then they will die of a heart attack or other specified cause. Using this, you can quickly eliminate your business rivals and increase your profits.

Cardinal: Hmm, and how will this be better than the system I’m already using?

Light: It’s no mess, no fuss- instant killing!

Admiral: Can I ask you something? Did you actually come up with this idea yourself?

Light: Uh, no- it actually belongs to the world of shinigami.

Admiral: So any shinigami could come down to Earth and put one of these on the market?

Light: Hmm, I suppose so…

Admiral: That’s it- I’m out.

The Admiral has declared herself out already, and Light is in for more bad news when President Aria has his say.

Aria: Punyu [this sort of thing goes against my morality, so I'm out].

Aria is out, but could Mr Tibbs be about to throw Light a lifeline?

Mr Tibbs: So, Light, have you any proof that this thing can actually make money?

Light: Well, the Yotsuba group used it to great effect.

Mr Tibbs: But they were caught, weren’t they?

Light: I’m sure you’re smart enough not to get caught.

Mr Tibbs: Well, quite.

Cardinal: Would it be possible to perhaps take this product in a slightly different direction? I mean, killing people is all very well, but what if I just want to teach them a lesson? Would it be possible to make a sort of Punishment Note that just gives them an electric shock or something?

Light: I’m afraid it’s death or nothing.

Cardinal: In that case, I’m out.

Mr Tibbs: I’m going to declare myself out too.

Tibbs and the Cardinal are both out; now all of Light’s hopes rest with Mikoto. Mikoto has remained quiet throughout the negotiation, but now she is about to reveal her hand.

Mikoto: I’ve been listening to all this, and I actually like the idea. You see, there are a lot of annoying characters in Mai-Otome, and so far there’s been no way to kill them off. With your Death Note I could change all that, so I’d like to invest.

Light: I’d like to accept your offer. Hail Kira!

After a tough time in the Den, Light has walked away with the deal he wanted, but will he write the names of the Dragons down in the Death Note? We hope not, or there’ll be no follow up to this feature!

Bokurano

“I am the Bartender, here to mix you your destined drink.”

“Look, I don’t have time to go over my life story so you can decide what that drink is- just get me plain old water.”

“I’m really into shogi ever since I watched Shion no Ou!”

“Do you think I could take my shogi board business into the Dragons’ Den?”

As far as dialogue goes in this sort of situation, this has to be the worst line ever.

Gonzo reveals their next plan- a spin-off studio called Sagonzo.

Poor guy- tired out from too much HARD GAY.

“I know I said I’d given up HARD GAY, but I couldn’t resist!”

“They’ll get their Liangs out no matter how much you try to stop them.”

Yes, there’s a lot of things you can’t do when you’re dead- say stupid lines, for one.

HARD GAY corner: Atelier Iris

As an alchemist, Klein Kiesling was well versed in using his “cane”, but unfortunately, he just couldn’t seem to shake off the interest of women. At last, however, he found an older and more experienced lover in the form of Delsus, before later catching the eye of expert “swordsman” Arlin. Unfortunately, Arlin was so obsessed with his ex-lover Mull that he frequently went off for Hyper Self Pleasure instead of committing to his new partner, forcing Klein to confront Mull in battle in the hopes of removing him from the equation entirely and winning Arlin’s heart. He was even undeterred on finding out that Arlin was just a Pleasure toy created by Mull- after all, androids are programmed with multiple techniques.

This week in Anime

Hands up who remembers Quantum Leap.

“What the f*ck do you mean, I’m not allowed to f*cking swear!?”

Brown dog plots revenge for its fallen comrades.

“It would become this big!”

Is that Kyo from Fruits Basket lurking in the background?

The secret base of the tomatoes is discovered.

Advertising, anyone?

“Oranges, fresh from their traversal of the Antarctic wastes.”

“Don’t you like my new girlfriend?”

Apples find a new champion.

Mini-editorial: Do we stop being ourselves the more popular our blogs become?

When we start blogging, it is usually in a sea of obscurity- no one knows us, hardly anyone reads us, and the anonymity afforded by the net enables us to rant about what we wish without fear of reprisal on the dreaded Letter Bomb Night.

Nonetheless, as the blog draws attention from readers, aggregators and fellow bloggers, there may well be a tendency to abandon the plain-speaking of the earlier days and adopt an outlook more suited to fitting in than expressing ourselves. If all our contemporaries like Lucky Star, then how tempting it must be to either agree with them to avoid being called an insensitive idiot, or to deliberately provoke them with flaming about the series- all regardless of our actual feelings about the show.

Aside from the occasional flame-baiting by the usual suspects, however, does this sort of thing actually happen as our readers turn from faceless generics into named characters? Do we start conveniently sweeping our dissenting opinions under the rug so that everyone will like us? Do we conveniently fail to admit the guilty pleasure found from sneakily watching certain series? Or do we go the opposite way, and try to antagonise other bloggers for the sake of hits? If people want to do such things, who are we to dictate what they write on their blogs? Perhaps all we can do is respect those brave enough to sit alone at their computers and post their true opinions under an alias.

Reverse Harem of the week: Akane Motomiya (Harukanaru Toki no Naka De)

A character so useless that even in the original game all she could do was use Cheer to motivate her AI controlled party members, Akane managed to make men fall in love with her for no apparent reason.

Harem

Tenma: The possessive wife-beater, and most likely to become Akane’s boyfriend. He becomes extremely paranoid and jealous whenever she as much as looks at another man.

Shimon: The good natured and optimistic shota- voted most likely to love Akane from afar for all eternity whilst serving as Tenma’s whipping boy.

Inori: The hothead young man who initially claims to have no interest in girls.

Tomomasa: The seductive older man with an eye for the ladies.

Yasuaki: The gentle mystic whose cold professionalism hides an innocent heart.

Yorihisa: The honour-bound samurai.

Takamichi: The scribe with a mother complex- most likely to become a family man in later life.

Eisen: The gentle and innocent musician.

Akram:The demon and main villain of the piece, he has an unhealthy fascination with Akane.

Rivals

Ran: A rival priestess and Tenma’s long-lost sister.

Shirin: A female demon who adores Akram and tries to seduce Takamichi.

Sefuru: A young male half-demon who befriends Shimon.

Amusing Search Terms

“fate/stay night” anime continue: No, it must never continue!

gay yaoi: Is there any other kind?

childhood in victorian England: can be best researched on an anime blog.

Amusing Spam

“Topless Putin: Russia goes ga…

MOSCOW: Few could have predicted the squall of gossip and speculation that would follow after Russian President Vladimir Putin stripped…”

This made me laugh so much.

“POWELL…

To much to shallow. This just sounds to liberal for me. Kinda brings back some memories of dating sites….”

So sorry- let’s keep things conservative for now.

“slave porn…

free sex slave training…”

Free, you say? Hmm…

Akagi 4Kids

Great news, Akagi fans, your favourite show has been licensed- by 4Kids! After the success of Pokemon and Yu-Gi-Oh!, we decided that kids were ready for yet another gaming craze in the form of mah-jongg (or as we have decided to rename it, Tile Frenzy). In this series, plucky lead Ace (formerly known as Akagi) will bravely battle against the Gentlemen’s Club (yakuza) as he tries to prove to everyone that courage and faith are all you need to win at Tile Frenzy! Unlike Akagi, Ace doesn’t cheat- he just uses the power of friendship and destiny, and he has no fear of his opponent’s pointy fingers of death!

The main event of the show, however, must surely be the final arc, in which our plucky lead Ace wagers his mother’s precious jars of tomato soup (formerly his own blood) against a retired gentleman who wants to take over the world with the power of Tile Fenzy! You wont want to miss it!

This Week in Anime

Who needs liquor when you can get drunk on whisky bonbons?

These days, even oranges are entitled to bathe in the hotsprings.

“God bless this nondescript vegetable.”

Apples step up a notch in the ongoing fight against oranges.

Note the presence of grapes.

Apples prove to be among the more engaging characters in Romeo X Juliet.

Battle lines are drawn in the vegetable version of Risk.

“Hey, they laid on a swimming pool just for us apples.”

Titus’ loyalty to grapes can be clearly seen.

“Here, take this and join the Brotherhood of Yellow Fruit.”

HARD GAY corner: Princess Tutu

From an early age, Fakir was always HARD GAY for Mytho (a literal storybook prince), but there always seemed to be rivals for his affection- most notably their fellow students at ballet school, Rue and Duck. Nonetheless, the separation between male and female dormitories enabled Fakir to keep a close eye on Mytho, turning him into an obedient love slave.

Unfortunately, as Princess Tutu returned Mytho’s heart, he rediscovered his love of STRAIGHT and began to move away from Fakir’s affections.

“I must seduce Mytho to the ways of STRAIGHT!”

“Get away from my lover!”

Fakir finds a new lover

“If you don’t want HARD GAY with me, I won’t make you do it.”

“No, I would like to see your Liang.”

“Excellent- you have made the right choice.”

“Let’s set a date for tomorrow.”

“Don’t stand me up.”

You are so talented!”

Neko-sensei’s lessons of love

“…HARD GAY!?”

“I feel the time has come to teach you the advanced techniques.”

“How about we make it a threesome?”

“Now, to the bedroom!”

A typical night

“…to my body.”

“Just don’t start having STRAIGHT!”

Mini-editorial: Analysing the political situation in Kuchen

Usually, this mini-editorial is quite a serious and fairly relevant affair, but sometimes I just get the urge to do something completely silly and pointless- and so this week, we will be taking an in-depth look at the political situation of Kuchen, the fictional European island in Meine Liebe. As viewers of the show will know, Kuchen operates under a monarchy, with the king taking advice from appointed nobles known as the Strahl. Every season, we see a generic duke try to usurp the throne, and although we are encouraged to think of them as the villains of the piece, perhaps we should step back and consider for a moment whether this is actually the case.

After all, perhaps these dissatisfied dukes actually represent the popular opinion of the Kuchen public- that the time has come to shuck off a useless and ineffectual nobility and move into a republican age. Maybe the king, who does seem a little past his best, is a terrible ruler whose lack of ability to govern is sending the country into ruin. Is the life of luxury that our noble bishounen leads enjoy built on the backs of millions of struggling peasants? Should we, the humble viewer, abandon our support for king and country and throw our weight behind the revolution? Perhaps the villainous Beruze is merely an unsung hero wishing to lead his country to a new age- only time will tell (actually it won’t, but that seemed a good way to conclude the sentence).

In Your Reflection

This week we have a head-to-head between two moody semi-bishounen- Witch Hunter Robin’s Amon and Last Exile’s Alex Rowe. As well as being similar in appearance, they both have aloof personalities and keep their distance from the leads at the beginning of the series, only to become more central later on. They also share a voice actor in the English dub.

Amusing Search Terms

Old favourites: Romance of the Three Kingdoms Goes Hentai

“If you want do delete your site from ou: yes?

prince charming and romeo: I never thought much of Prince Charming- he was too generic and lacking in personality.

pumpkin with flames: Burn, pumpkin, burn!

anime girls with boy child: Okay…

dark maiden anime: In the name of the Maiden of Light!

Amusing Spam

“organic skin care…

It is tiring attempting to calculate the time we”ve used up looking for h2o pages….”

So we’re looking for plain old water this week?

“Eric…

i dont think you did that but that is juts me…”

That Eric, he keeps showing up here and you can’t trust him.

“hello…

will read it later…”

It annoys me when spam bots can’t take the time to read your post.

“As the world wide web continues to mass demon drawings webpages, we will work to deliver them to you….”

Good to know…I think.

Useless Gaming FAQ Advice

Picture the scene- you’re so hideously stuck on a game that you just have to refer to a FAQ (or you’re just lazy), but instead of the detailed strategies you were hoping for, there is a statement so blatantly obvious it need never have been written in the first place. Here are some examples of the sort of frustratingly useless gaming advice you wish you’d never read.

• In this battle, what you need to do is beat the boss if you want to win.
• If your hero is at level 99, this battle will be easier than it would have been at level 50.
• If you’ve completed every optional quest and spent eighty hours levelling up, this battle will be easy; otherwise it will be impossible. Good luck.
• In order to defeat this enemy, just keeping attacking it until its HP reaches zero.
• This battle is very difficult, but if you keep trying, you will eventually win.
• If you get game over, you will have to reload and try again.

Final Fantasy Tactics: A remake for the 21^st century

As you may or may not know, there is now a PSP remake of Final Fantasy Tactics featuring various tweaks for the gameplay and character, but let’s ignore that and imagine how we could remake the enjoyable yet often hard FFT into something more suited for the “dumbed down” modern gamer.

• Increase party limit from five to fifteen, with the ability to switch characters in and out of battle at will or if a character dies. The maximum number of recruitable characters is now 99.
• When attacked, your characters have a 100% chance of dodging the attacking and countering with a deathblow.
• Skills are easier to learn, and everyone can have simultaneous access to every skill.
• Enemies never counterattack, and whilst they are affected by terrain, all of your characters are immune to such hindrances.
• There is no longer a time delay when allies cast magic, but enemies take at least ten turns to cast.
• Auto-Life, Auto-Regen and Auto-Reflect are switched on for every boss battle.
• New characters start at the same level as the main character, regardless of when they are recruited.
• Enemy levels scale with yours, so that they are always twenty levels below you.
• Shops give away items for free.
• If your party is wiped out, they are immediately revived, whilst the enemy units take damage equal to the HP used to revive them.

Mobile Suit Gundam

Someone has a rather large ego.

“Damn him! Now I might actually have to do something!”

(“I can’t believe they’ve replaced the bartender with a guy on a screen- talk about cost cutting.”)

“Everyone, let’s play Yu-Gi-Oh!”

“Don’t you think that’s going a bit overboard?”

“…and I know it!”

“We totally didn’t borrow this design from Star Trek.”

“It’s not supposed to break down- I’m the main character!”

Someone forgot to draw in the pupils…

…but with a bit of editing, it’s all better.

Random Thoughts: Zhuge Liang

This week we talk to Zhuge Liang, historical figure and star of both the ROTK anime and Koutetsu Sangokushi! Zhuge, would you like to talk a bit about your roles in both series?

Well, in ROTK I didn’t come in until later, but that was just to stop viewers from being overcome by my awesomeness. Once I started taking an active role, ratings really soared- and for good reason. All-in-all, I’m glad we were able to bring viewers such a historically accurate account of the Three Kingdoms era.

In Koutetsu, we’re trying to do something a bit different, with emphasis on my superiority, greatness and inexplicable magical powers. Basically, the idea behind the series is just to hire as many good looking men for me to sleep with as possible, and then ad-lib a script whenever we’re filming.

Is it true that you’re all-knowing, or are you just putting it on for the cameras?

How dare you even ask such a thing!? Of course I am all knowing- I am Zhuge Liang, son of God!

Out of your many partners, who is best in the bedroom?

It’s so hard to choose- I mean you’ve got Lu Xun’s youthful and innocent vigour, which is nice, but then there are times when you just want Pleasure with an experienced lover like Zhou Yu who knows exactly how to give you what you want.

How do you justify the complete lack of women in Koutetsu Sangokushi?

Women are unimportant- I only desire MEN.

And finally, how do you feel about your name now being as a synonym for “Huge Wang”?

It seems appropriate, given my mighty size. Would you like to see it?

Uh, I think I’ll pass.

This Week in Anime

Even though it’s meant to be Yeager, from certain angles it looks like Kevin Keegan.

The Pizza Hut invasion continues in Darker than Black.

Mao certainly seems to be getting fat on Pizza Hut.

Fruit is never far from the action.

Some people will do anything for sweet, sweet peaches.

Grapes infiltrate the Great Refrigerator.

HARD GAY corner: Lodoss War TV

On his continuing quest for HARD GAY, Parn hones his Sword skills and takes on lovers both old and new, from King Kashue and the well-endowed Ashram, to “berserker in the bedroom” Orson and “master of Staff” Cecil. Meanwhile, in the land of Flaim, a young knight-in-training named Spark practises HARD GAY from a young age, eventually growing up enough to be able to take partners such as “rough and ready” Garrack and “quietly Zhuge” Aldonova. In a surprise turn of events, however, Spark heralds the emergence of a new era by turning BI and also including women in his party, forcing Parn to return to the story and show the young man that Sword is always best.

OST spotlight: Ghost in the Shell Stand Alone Complex OST 2

Yoko Kanno showcases her talent at jazz composition in this soundtrack, my favourite of all the SAC OSTs to be released so far. Whilst not every track is on the mark (one in particular consists of what sounds like bees buzzing an anthem), when the powerful strains of origa’s Rise or one of the many other powerful vocal themes are reached, all weaknesses can be forgiven.

Notable tracks: Rise, I Can’t Be Cool, Psychedelic Soul, What’s it For, Living Inside the Shell

Mini-rant: Scanlators and e-Liangs

Inspired by this post, I decided to construct a self-serving rant of my own about the difficulty of “acquiring” manga from certain scanlation groups. Now, perhaps I should become less lazy and get on with improving my Japanese to a point where I can tackle the manga raw, maybe I should bow and scrape to the people who translate series I wouldn’t be able to read otherwise, but the real annoyance is- if you’ve gone to the trouble of releasing manga (presumably for fans to read), why make it so difficult to get hold of? I don’t mind going into IRC, or having to wait a few days- what I do mind is being asked to make n posts on a forum I have little to no interest in. If I wanted to post on your forums, I would be doing so already, and I don’t take kindly to being forced to do so.

In short, someone who is illegally scanning and translating manga doesn’t really have much ground with which to feel superior to the leechers they are doing it for- and if you aren’t doing it for said leechers, don’t bother to even advertise the fact that you’ve made such a release for everyone to see.

Reverse Harem of the week: Miaka Yuki (Fushigi Yugi)

When she went to another world, she was quick to amass bishounen to protect her, with her chirpy personality proving oddly attractive to them all.

Harem

Tamahome: The main guy and one she eventually ends up, their relationship went through a lot of angst before finally overcoming even the plot.

Hotohori: The emperor and second man, Hotohori adored Miaka and even challenged Tamahome for her, but eventually settled for an offscreen role with an abruptly introduced wife.

Nuriko: A cross-dresser who developed a crush on Hotohori, he nonetheless eventually admitted that the male part of his personality loved Miaka, causing him to make the ultimate sacrifice for her.

Chichiri: A priest and magic user with a dark past; not romantically attracted to Miaka but still one of her destined bishounen.

Tasuki: A hot-headed bandit who claimed to hate women until his hidden feelings for her were exposed by an enemy spell.

Mitsukake: A quiet doctor who lost his beloved in a plague; not romantically attracted to Miaka but still one of her destined bishounen.

Chiriko: A genius shota; not romantically attracted to Miaka but still one of her destined bishounen.

Amiboshi: A member of the enemy sent to infiltrate the destined bishounen; later in the story he wants Miaka to drop out of the plot and live with him forever.

Rivals

Yui: Miaka’s best friend turned rival and enemy, she tries to steal Tamahome from her at one point in the plot.

Suboshi: His devotion to both Yui and his brother caused him to violently attack and pursue Miaka.

Soi: Her love for Nakago made her jealous when he revealed his plan to steal Miaka’s virginity

Tomo: See above.

Nakago: He became determined to steal away everything important to Miaka, from her boyfriend to her virginity.

Amusing Search Terms

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O AND I CANT DIE I HAVE AZURE INSIDE OF: this makes no sense whatsoever.

Marimite Hard Panda: The correct terminology is not Hard Panda, but merely PANDA.

“my bikini”: Coming soon from the folks at Sunrise- Mai-Bikini, a tale of fanservice and swimsuit episodes.

hentai rumble: School Rumble, 18+ version.

Happy Sangokushi: Don’t worry, be happy.

manga bleach guys action pictures: When has this blog ever covered Bleach?

Suikoden Hentai Free: Some people just never want to pay.

romeo x juliet only 19 episodes?: Then why are episodes 20-21 up at Random Curiosity?

fat stay night: Not to be confused with Fate/Stay Night, Fat Stay Night is the tale of seven obese people and their battle to lose weight.

papillion hard gay: Yep, he is.

Amusing Spam

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Chagum’s Spinning Coins

Ever wished for something a little more exciting than the sitting and talking of Seirei no Moribito? Then Chagum’s Spinning Coins is the one for you, an exciting tale based on the episode where Chagum plays the spinning coin game! Can young Chagum, a beginner at Spinning Coins, master the game and rise to the top in time for the upcoming world tournament? Can he defeat the evil forces hoping to use the power of Spinning Coins to take over the world? Tune in and find out!

FF7: E-Z of spin-offs

As we all know, Final Fantasy VII has spawned four money-making spin-offs lettered from A to D- Advent Children, Before Crisis, Crisis Core and Dirge of Cerberus. It is clear that is only the beginning of a whole A-Z of FF7 cash-ins, and here on Tuesday Rumble, we plan to document the future of franchise spin-offs.

Elena- A Life in the Turks: Play as Elena as she becomes a Turk and rises in the ranks.

Fort Condor: Remember how much you loved that Fort Condor mini-game of pain and excruciating slowness? Well, now you can play an entire game based on protecting Fort Condor from endless waves of enemies.

Gold Saucer: An entire game based around the mini-games at Gold Saucer, now expanded for additional “enjoyment”.

Hojo’s House of Horrors: Before he died, Hojo left a house filled with dangerous experiments, and when the security went down, they all escaped. In this action game, you must enter the house and put a stop to their rampage- for good.

Icicle Winter Olympics: The 2010 Winter Olympics are to be held at Icicle Village, and you can join in! Enter different events and try to score that elusive gold medal in snowboarding, skiing, ice skating and more!

Joe- Chocobo Champion: Play as Joe as you go from being a rookie in the chocobo racing world to the top man in the business.

Kalm Days: You have just bought a farm on the edge of Kalm Village, but can you make it into a thriving business?

Lucky Sevens: Play Cait Sith’s slot machine- infinitely!

Mog House II: A sequel to the popular Mog House game in Gold Saucer, feed moogles kupo nuts so that they can find their one true love! Look after generations of moogles as they learn to fly and impress prospective mates!

Nibelheim- The History: Play through the “missing” five years in Nibelheim history from the time the town was burned down to its current state.

Odin’s Sacrifice: Learn the history of Odin and how he became sealed in a materia in this tragic visual novel tale.

Priscilla’s Dolphin Training: Play as Priscilla and swim with the dolphins as you train them to perform tricks.

Quadra Slam: Play an exciting card game based on Triple Triad and Tetra Master, but for FF7!

Red XIII’s Tale: Play as Red XIII for five hundred years, ending at the final scene of the original game.

Seventh Heaven: Help make Tifa’s bar a thriving business in this game inspired by the likes of Burger Rush and Chocolatier.

Tifa’s School of Martial Arts: Pull off combos and become a martial artist in this free-roaming beat-’em-up.

Underwater Adventures: Explore the underwater world of FF7 in your submarine in this exciting game.

Vincent’s Valentines: In this alternate universe dating sim, Turks Academy Vincent must win the lovely Lucrecia’s heart before she gets stolen away by Hojo.

Wutai’s War: A tactical RPG based on the war that Godo and the others fought.

X Marks the Spot: Dig up treasures in sites of archaeological interest such as Bone Village. Make your way across the world in search of rare and elusive items buried deep beneath the surface!

Yuffie- Materia Hunter: Play as Yuffie and travel across the world in search of materia.

Zack’s Story: Play as Zack as he joins SOLDIER and tries to reach the highest ranks.

More Kenichi

Yep, that’s pretty much it.

“Do you think it’s more of an Ezo than a Liang?”

The monkeys that survived battle in Heroic Age have created their own how to fight books.

“I never thought I would witness HARD GAY with my own eyes!”

…or alternatively, be terrified of next time.

Kenichi is worried about the size of his Liang.

“I already gave him HARD GAY yesterday.”

“His Liang looked fine to me.”

“I will not rest until it is destroyed!”

“…about HARD GAY.”

“…and if you can Pleasure me, then I will pay you.”

“But if your climax is merely average…”

“…it will be the end of our relationship!”

“I’ve never seen one before!”

“The internet isn’t just about sex!”

“It isn’t?”

“Let’s play Yu-Gi-Oh!”

“I summon the Blue Eyes White Dragon!”

Random Thoughts: Prinny

This week we interview a generic prinny from Disgaea! Prinny, even though you are a downtrodden damned soul, do you feel that you got the last laugh by becoming a recurring presence in various Nippon Ichi games?

Dood, everyone loves prinnies! If only Etna didn’t keep taking our pay from all those games, we’d be rich!

What is it like, working under Etna?

It’s hell, dood! We work day and night for a pittance, and if we’re lucky, we don’t get exploded before the night of the red moon.

Do you get any of the proceeds from the sale of prinny plushies?

Plushies? Those are real prinnies, dood!

And finally, what do Celestian prinnies look like?

They’re white, dood, with feathery wings and haloes.

This Week in Anime

Mobile HORSE spreads to a new town.

Vegetables make a comeback after fruit domination.

All generics are seated together for convenience.

“Hey, are you eating an apple?”

“It’s my apple- stay away from it!”

“Fine, then- I’ll just make do with some naked men and this DOG.”

Fat cat is revealed to be an impostor after it deflates.

Ah, good old tea, which we English sup whilst visiting libraries and waltzing at balls.

Nuts begin their campaign.

HARD GAY corner: Heat Guy J

Daisuke Aurora first learned HARD GAY at the hands of his brother Shun and old man Shogun, but in later years, their busy schedules prevented them from having the time to service him. Fearful of having to rely on Hyper Self Pleasure, Daisuke took on a robotic lover, J, tuned to perfectly fulfil his every desire. Even when J became damaged or started to malfunction, Daisuke insisted that he be fixed, fearful of losing his ideal lover.\r\n

Thanks to the experience gained with J, Daisuke became the envy of many a man, and soon gained other lovers in the form of older man Edmundo, bishie mafia leader Clair Leonelli and Boma, a man with the face and appetites of a beast. Nonetheless, Daisuke still longed for the strong embrace of his brother, and was understandably upset to learn that not only was Shun the main villain, but that he had turned to STRAIGHT with his assistant Phia- at one point. In an attempt to show his brother the power of HARD GAY, Daisuke organised a group session with all of his lovers, even including J, who Shun had tried to reprogram for STRAIGHT. In the end, Shun was shown the error of his ways, but after tiring of his current lovers, Daisuke decided to leave the city in search of fresh Liangs.

OST spotlight: Avenger

Ali Project are often accused of being a one-trick pony, but this opportunity to provide the music for an entire series proved that when they want to, they can actually compose different themes. Although their gothic and borderline discordant style permeates the entire OST, there is still plenty of variety packed in, from fast and energetic tracks that wouldn’t be out of place in a platform or action game, to slower and more melancholy themes. The only real weak piece on the whole CD is the vocal track “MOTHER”, an almost painful slow and dull theme that lasts for over five minutes.

Notable tracks: Gesshoku Grand Guignol, Reinforcement of Happiness, Babylon Café, Death Becoming Unavailable, Taming the Young Woman, Puppeteer, Trompe-l”oeil labyrinth, The Season of Hell, Mirai no Eve

Mini-editorial: Tackling depression in entertainment- who should be saved?

Depression and entertainment hardly seem like comfortable bedfellows, but in the likes of NHK, we see characters who are suffering from various related problems that prevent them from interacting “normally” with society. The purpose of their inclusion may be for dark comedy or to view their salvation, but ultimately, how should it be handled in the long term? In real life, such problems may take months or even years of treatment, but the good thing about anime (or indeed any form of fiction) is that it doesn’t have to be realistic- it is far more satisfying to see the characters improve over the course of the series than to see them stuck in the same old rut.

Admittedly, I haven’t read the last few chapters yet, but NHK was a major offender in this regard, keeping its characters sequestered in misery and despair long after the humour of the situation had worn away. Similarly, Eva, whilst admittedly intended to reflect Anno’s own state of depression in the past, failed to “save” its characters, making them annoying and repetitive instead of people whose journey endears them to us.

In Your Reflection

This week we have a head-to-head between two silver-haired juveniles- .hack//SIGN’s Tsukasa and Get Backers’ Makubex. Both are trapped in a virtual world of sorts and aren’t particularly keen on the company of others, but each ends up as part of a group of friends.

Amusing Search Terms

This week on Amusing Search Terms, someone wonders “El Cazador yuri?”. Another person is more confident, and insists that “El Cazador de la Bruja is yuri”. They must be hoping to link up with the “lusty lesbians”, who were also on the hunt for “yuri romeo x Juliet”, “the yuri & friends incest english ver”, “yuri+manga+sex+incest” and “yuri incest”.

what romeo x juliet character are you: You are Benvolio, a person with so much time on their hands that they have to look up “what Romeo X Juliet character are you?”

“saiunkoku monogatari”"2″: For some reason putting the 2 in quotation marks amused me.

Koutetsu Sangokushi dub: Aren’t you getting ahead of yourself? It isn’t even licensed yet.

“utawarerumono” AND “Download”AND”Direct: Some people just want everything, don’t they?

rpg games were there is a fat ginga boy: What?

the best of gay: Is this an album, like “The Best Dance Music Ever… Part II”?

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Shion’s Salon

Customer welfare is our highest priority at Shion’s Salon.

Welcome to Shion’s Salon, where a Higurashi style facial awaits! Experience face masks that will gently exfoliate your skin with hydrochloric acid, whilst we remove unsightly facial blemishes like your eyes, nose and lips! Observe as we whiten your teeth- after extracting them to better clean those hard to reach places! Enjoy our special needle massage, complete with free body piercings!

Once you have enjoyed your session at Shion’s salon, be sure to stop and relax in our spare stone cells, free from comfort and distraction. When the time comes to pay, we don’t even need money, for you can just as easily settle your debts by offering up your own limbs.

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Extracts from the Book of HARD GAY: Who to sleep with in SaiMono World

Shi Ryuuki: As the emperor, Ryuuki is a master of elegant and refined Sword. Said to swing both ways and be experienced in the ways of BI.

Shi Seiran: His royal blood makes him another master of Sword; however his time in exile has taught him rough and intense methods. He is able to satisfy any lover, but prefers Ensei.

Ran Shuuei: Knowledgeable in all kinds of esoteric techniques, he gets annoyed if he is not allowed to be dominant in the bedroom. Rumours claim he has mastered BI as well as HARD GAY.

Li Kouyuu: Hates women to the extent of specialising in HARD GAY. Sessions with Reishin have made him used to being submissive, but he would never openly admit that on a first date.

Rou Ensei: A rough yet passionate lover, his specialty is Staff. He works best in a group session with Seiran.

To Eigetsu/Yougetsu: A quiet and submissive lover, Eigetsu has learned his HARD GAY techniques from books rather than experience but still offers a pleasing experience for shota lovers. Feed him alcohol to turn him into the rough, aggressive and dominant Yougetsu.

Kou Shouka: His eyes are permanently closed, but he has hidden talents in the bedroom that belie his near-generic appearance.

Kou Kurou: A rigid lover who prefers standard HARD GAY techniques- not one to experiment.

Kou Reishin: A demanding lover who insists on having it his way. He likes to be called pet names in the bedroom, such as “Uncle”.

Ran Ryuuren: An eccentric lover with a fondness for trying out new fetishes; he is good for a one night stand, but shies away from long term relationships by mysteriously disappearing. A master of Flute lessons.

Kou Kijin: His mask opens at the mouth in order to better facilitate certain techniques, yet his beauty and skill is such that full HARD GAY would cause his partners to die in the throes of Pleasure.

Hyou Riou: Rumoured to be much older than he looks, Riou combines looks with experience. The lack of females in his clan means that he has mastered every possible HARD GAY technique, but he now hungers for BI.

Heki Hakumei: Still young and learning the ways of HARD GAY; somewhat angry and frustrated that the leads get more than him. Approach with caution if aiming to seduce.

Sa Enjun: A practised lover, even after his death he offered Pleasure in spectral form.

Shou Taishi: He may look old, but he can turn into a young man when Pleasure is in the offing. Take advantage of his years of experience.

Sou Taifu: A rough and aggressive lover, he likes to play bedroom games and has been known to cool the libido of an over-eager lover by throwing them into a pond.

Sa Chuushou: A chair-bound man who prefers the standard methods of HARD GAY; becomes enraged if not allowed to be dominant.

Sa Soujun: Only one step above a generic in terms of looks and technique; his Spear is adequate but he often insists on smashing wooden objects during the act of Pleasure.

Sa Sakujun: A skilled BI lover with a penchant for trying out dangerous new techniques in order to appeal to his jaded palate. Likes to savour the moment, to the extent of sometimes taking years to reach a climax.

Sa Kokujun: A weakling who only recently learned the ways of HARD GAY, he has picked up knowledge from Ensei, Eigetsu, Seiran and Ryuuren, and combines their skills into an inferior product. He is currently being indoctrinated into the ways of STRAIGHT by his wife, and so he may not be available anyway.

Sai Shou: A shrewd lover who only ever gives 80% of his full capabilities in the bedroom.

Tei Yuushun: He may look generic, but he has hidden skills that have been known to bring more powerful men to their knees.

Highlander: Search for Vengeance

“Explosions mean nothing to me- even if they are in mid-air!”

“Ah, a convenient landing point; laws of physics- suspend!”

“You don’t see this sort of thing every day now, do you?”

“Let us settle this on the wing of my plane with some efficient German Gun.”

“Mine is most definitely bigger than yours!”

“Why are bars always filled with seedy looking people? Why can’t I go and look for information in a more reputable establishment?”

Early Sword and Axe is glimpsed.

“Take this- Four-Way Spear!”

“Get this naked woman off me- I only need men!”

Random Thoughts: Soutetsu Ibaragi

After our interview with Akidzuki was published, we were contacted by Iroha’s Soutetsu Ibaragi, who wanted to set the story straight on some of the things Akidzuki said.

As the scriptwriter for the series, can you justify the series finale?

Everyone blames me for that, but I was under pressure from Sunrise to include certain ideas they had come up with during a particularly intense dango session. If you ask me, I did rather given the constraints- I had to keep the butterflies and switches in, but I was able to talk them out of the giant mushrooms.

I almost wish we could have seen that. Did you deliberately limit Akidzuki’s role to prevent the main character’s ego from getting out of hand?

Akidzuki was the main character? I always approached the series as if I was the lead.

Well then, moving on- what’s so great about BI anyway?

I can’t believe that you would question the worth of BI! It is the ultimate form of Pleasure, far beyond mere HARD GAY or STRAIGHT. BI is filled with techniques and possibilities beyond the comprehension of the mere generic- it is truly the future!

Okay, okay- so out of all the Iroha characters, which did you most want to sleep with?

I always had my eye on Akidzuki and Kanna of course, and Hijikata was a solid experience. To be honest, though, there was no one really capable of matching my prowess.

And finally, what do you think of plans to create IrohaWarriors and Iroha Tactics games in RPG Maker?

I hope I will be asked to have some creative input, and also made the strongest character.

This Week in Anime

“By the power of apples, I shall defeat thee!”

“And raise you by two bananas!”

Haseo takes on a new role as a cast member in Gunbuster 2.

Only apples can cure the pain of this washed out animation.

Persimmons continue their ascendancy.

HARD GAY corner: Gundam Seed Destiny

Desperate to quash rumours of their HARD GAY relationship, Kira and Athrun agree to separate and play at being STRAIGHT with Lacus and Cagalli respectively. Naturally, they cannot keep it up forever, with Athrun being the first one to crack when he returns to ZAFT to enjoy HARD GAY with up and coming young men Shinn and Rey.

Jealous of their HARD GAY, female pilot Lunamaria and sister Meyrin try to steal Athrun for the BI side, as does Lacus impersonator Meer Campbell. Athrun is saved from temptation by the appearance of semi-bishie male pilot Heine, but when he dies he becomes slowly disillusioned with the HARD GAY in ZAFT, eventually choosing to return to Kira’s arms.

Later, Shinn tries his own BI with Extended Human Stellar, and even falls prey to Lunamaria’s charms, much to Rey’s disgust. Fearful that his lover might actually turn to women (or worse yet, long for Athrun’s superior charms), Rey manipulates his partner with the promise of advanced HARD GAY techniques passed down by the bishie Chairman Durandal.

In time, however, both Rey and Durandal die, and Shinn, now bereft of partner, is forced to watch as Kira and Athrun have wild, passionate HARD GAY.

OST Spotlight: Windy Tales

The magic of Windy Tales can be instantly invoked by the power of this soundtrack alone, a collection of gentle piano, wind and synth that stands just as well on its own as in the context of the series. Admittedly, at times, it threatens to become a little too much like filler “muzak”, but overall the OST remains on just the right side of good, proving easy on the ears rather than dull or grating.

Notable tracks: Kaze no Hajimari, Kaze no Keiji, Kazaetachi no Kyuusoku, Kazetachi no Fuan, Kaze to Humming, Tsumetai Minamikaze, Fuujin no Ibuki, Koi Natsukaze ni Notte, Yuuhi no Iro Dake

Mini-editorial: Do we really want anime to become mainstream?

To some anime fans, it is a long-cherished dream- a world where every passing stranger knows what anime is; where DVDs and manga can easily be found in any store for bargain basement prices and merchandise litters the streets. On the surface, it may seem like a glittering reality of promise, but there are those of us who have to ask ourselves- is that really what we want?

Naturally, I’m not one to be averse to cheaper and more readily available legit goods, but I have to admit to a degree of selfishness on this point- personally, I would be happy if anime never broke into the mainstream. Yes, I know this makes me a terrible person, but it just happens to be the way I feel; there’s just something about having a hobby that isn’t infested by every bandwagon-jumping random generic out there who wants to don a pair of cat ears and scream “kawaii” every five minutes. Yes, it would be nice to have the odd real life discussion with someone who is more than an “I saw Evangelion on the Sci-Fi Channel once” fan, and it would save on explaining what anime is every time you end up in a situation where you admit to liking it, but still those initial reactions persist.

This resistance is, of course, a personal thing, but it doesn’t just come out of the blue- time and again I’ve found myself turned off franchises because of the excessive hype, and the endless shoving of them down my throat. Once, I felt fairly benign towards Harry Potter, for example, but years of cosplaying siblings and endless, pointlessly expensive merchandise has caused me to view the whole thing with emotions ranging from annoyance to disinterest. Even games which I once enjoyed lose their lustre when younger family members start continually talking about them, watching YouTube related videos and the like.

Ultimately, then, am I just pretentious and egotistical for wanting anime not to break into the mainstream? Quite probably, but aside from wanting a few tweaks, I’m happy with the way things are now. Long may we continue in a world where little kids aren’t all wearing Naruto t-shirts and throwing plastic kunai at us.

In Your Reflection

This week we see a face-off between three characters from both Code Geass and Gundam Seed- that’s right, it’s time to formally acknowledge on here that Lelouch, Suzaku and Euphemia are Athrun (with a hint of Shinn), Kira and Lacus. Yes, we’ve all known for ages, but they still deserve a brief mention in this spot.

Fashion Police: Delma

It can be hard to find appropriate clothing to wear when your skin is a hideous shade of pink, but alas, Delma makes all the wrong choices. Her lower legs and forearms are at least covered, but the scarcity of clothing elsewhere is somewhat undesirable, and relying on a purple loincloth is a big no-no- what if it comes undone in battle?

Fashion sense: F

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Old favourites: buso renkin tokiko nude, hard yaoi, auditionsea perfect hack

darker than black nude: Did you know that Mao is naked in every episode? Now that’s extreme!

dot .hack//g.u. hentai doujinshi: Haseo X Endrance, I can see that going down.

school rumble yaoi: Or how about a spot of Harima X Hanai? Come on, we all knew that tension between them was a sign that something more was going on.

rpgmaker loli game: who gets turned on by loli sprites?

will beyblading become real: Yes- yes it will.

extreme mahjong: Beware, it’s Mahjong to the X-treme!

can beyblade kill: Yes, so don’t watch too much at once- it’s a slow and painful death akin to taking an overdose of paracetamol.

Further Extracts from the Book of HARD GAY: Who to sleep with in Iroha world

• Akidzuki: a master of the Sword, Akidzuki is a staunch supporter of classic HARD GAY, and refuses to contemplate variations. Nonetheless, he offers the solid experience expected of a main character.
• Soutetsu: one of the pioneers of BI, Soutetsu is highly skilled, but his continual drive for new techniques may put off those who don’t like to get experimental in the bedroom.
• Shiranui: another supporter of BI, Shiranui seems to be more inclined towards women these days, but those who can offer him a good experience will surely gain his attention.
• Zagashira: an older man, and quite a pedestrian partner.
• Kanna: a master of Gun, Kanna’s skill is near unsurpassed in the realms of HARD GAY, but later in the series he is tempted to the BI side despite a bad experience with women earlier in life.
• Nakaiya: a staunch follower of the Gwakaka school of villainy, Nakaiya prefers his passion to be red hot and burning. Don’t worry about giving him a fatal dose of Pleasure- he’ll be fine by the next morning.
• Chess Piece Team: although they do contain one woman, the males of the team offer an explosive BI experience.
• Parkes: with his knowledge of English HARD GAY techniques, Parkes may not be the most attractive of partners, but he has unique skills that the Japanese partners cannot offer.
• Glover: another master of foreign HARD GAY, Glover usually prefers to save himself, but can be convinced to take action if Gun is involved.
• Enomoto: with the aphrodisiac power of the Lord’s Head, Enomoto can seduce entire armies of men in a single session, but of late he has been distracted by both BI and the idea of creating a republic with those who have mere Ezos. If you feel too small for other partners, choose him.
• Saiga: a sniper with expert knowledge of Gun. He is painstakingly meticulous in the bedroom.
• Hijikata: another supporter of pure HARD GAY, Hijikata offers a solid experience.
• Tetsunosuke: although he does not have the same prominence here as in Peacemaker, Tetsunosuke has already gained a good grasp of Sword even at his young age. Hardly a first choice partner, but good if no other options are available.
• Kakashi: a typical strong-man, intense the bedroom but rarely original or exciting.
• Katsu: ever since the death of Ryouma, Katsu seems disillusioned towards HARD GAY, with only the most skilled of partners able to catch his eye and persuade him to take them to his bed.
• Ryouma: although he is already dead by the time the series begins, Ryouma is worthy of note as a skilled man of HARD GAY who set many men on the path of true HARD GAY. He seemed disinterested in BI, yet tolerant of those who practised it.
• Okita: a sickly man, one should take care with Okita, lest he die in the throes of intense passion.
• Shoten: an old man, Shoten claims his Liang is barely functional, and is only up for the gentlest of HARD GAY sessions.
• Hario: a rough and unrefined partner in the bedroom, albeit a powerful one. Best for those who prefer intensity over finesse.
• Shinza: Shoten’s assistant, Shinza offers an extremely powerful form of HARD GAY, although Shoten will usually want to watch,

SaiMonoWarriors

Remember UtaWarriors? After playing it, the desire to turn many other series into scrolling battlers could not be denied, and the first to receive this treatment is SaiMono. SMWarriors is only in the early stages of development now, but here a few details.

Playable characters: Shuurei (broom), Ryuuki (sword), Seiran (sword), Shuuei (large sword), Kouyuu (short sword), Ryuuren (flute), Ensei (staff), Eigetsu (blunted mace, powers up into Yougetsu).

Levels: Defend the capital from generic soldiers; Foil Official Sai; Race to Sa Province; Attack on Sa palace.

Eventually more characters and individual story modes will be added.

Kono Mini Pick ‘N’ Mix Part 2

STRAIGHT holds no mysteries for Ryou.

“It’s her first night here, so let’s start out with HARD YURI.”

“Have you already had INCEST STRAIGHT with him?”

“It’s only natural when you’re two siblings living alone without parents!”

“It happens all the time in anime!”

“Don’t touch me there!”

“Did you have to be so rough?”

“It’s the only way I could get myself aroused.”

“She’ll get naked at the drop of a hat!”

This needs no caption.

A group session proves to be successful.

Random Thoughts: Griffith

This week we manage to catch Griffith/Femto of Berserk fame, in order to put a few questions to him! First up, Griffith, what are the advantages of being one of the Godhand?

Godhand is quite a literal title, you know- it means I have the Hands of the God when it comes to Hyper Self Pleasure. Even though it meant giving up my good looks and regular partners in order to achieve this state, let me assure you that it’s worth it- and the Liangs of the male Godhand are indeed extremely Zhuge.

We saw both you and Guts have HARD GAY at various points in the series, but did the two of you ever do the deed together?

Of course we did- why do you think I was so upset when he left the Band of the Hawk? So upset, in fact that I had to turn to STRAIGHT.

How do feel about the general ugliness and retro horror feel of your world?

Well, in my human form I was good looking enough to make up for all of that.

And finally, what’s the secret to lustrous and shiny hair?

Many people rely on shampoo, but I just like a good hose down with freezing cold water in the middle of a river or practise yard. You can’t beat the cooling effects of a bucketful of icy water, especially if you have a lusty young man to scrub your back.

This Week in Anime

Pears hold secret conference.

Oranges prepare to overpower limes and pineapples, but a potato rescue force is not far behind.

Raspberries gather in an abandoned orange outpost.

Fat cat raises next generation of obese felines.

Apple sacrifices itself to save its fellows from being eaten.

Monthly Awards

Anime of the month goes to the unexpectedly worthy Windy Tales, a series that belongs with the highest calibre of slice-of-life.

Manga of the month is shared between the short yet worthy Otogi Zoshi manga, and the much longer but good for entirely different reasons Berserk, which is more enjoyable than its MANLY retro gore aesthetic would seem to indicate.

Cat-drenched series of the month also goes to Windy Tales, a series where hundreds of cats can fly in the sky at any one time.

Highest Body Count of the month is shared between Berserk and Darker than Black (remember, generics don’t count as one body each).

Mid-Season Awards

The “I’m still yawning” Prize for Continuing Boredom rests with El Cazador de la Bruja, which has grown steadily worse over the last three weeks.

The On the Fence Award for a Series that I want to like but am slowly growing disillusioned with is shared between Bokurano (on hiatus) and Claymore (still watching).

The 1337est of the 1337 Award for Continuing Excellence is once again shared between SaiMono season II, Emma season II and Darker than Black.

Special Prize for Only Winter Series Still Being Watched goes to Nodame Cantabile, although technically Deltora Quest is only on hiatus…a long hiatus.

The Manly Men Award for Zhugest Liangs goes to Moonlight Mile, which I have been told is overflowing with MANLINESS.

The Pegasus Award for Raising Awareness of HORSE goes to Romeo X Juliet.

The “I Want to Live There” Award for Best Setting is shared between Romeo X Juliet and Seirei no Moribito.

The Dark and Gritty Award for Most Disappointing Series goes to the “so poor it’s not even laughably bad” SKULLMAN.

HARD GAY corner: Samurai 7

When the STRAIGHT Emperor starts gathering women and bandits infest the lands, the people of Kanna Village know that only HARD GAY samurai with swords can save them- to that end, water priestess Kirara is sent out with her gaydar to track down worthy samurai and bring them back. The final line up consists of Kanbe, a man skilled with Sword but unable to keep a lover for long; Gorobe, skilled in long range HARD GAY; Heihachi, practised in mechanical devices; Kikuchiyo, a mechanical samurai converted to increased his Pleasuring intensity; Shichroji, a master of Spear; Kyuzo, a cool and calm Sword master and Katsushiro, who learns the ways of HARD GAY as the series progresses. Over the course of 26 episodes, those whose HARD GAY is too weak to withstand the forces of STRAIGHT are weeded out, but those who refine their HARD GAY defeat the evil STRAIGHT, enabling the peasants to express any preference they wish.

OST spotlight: Noir OST2

The first Noir OST was always going to be a hard act to follow, and unfortunately, although it is solid enough, this CD just can’t live up to its predecessor. The range of tracks is geared towards quieter and scene setting themes that capture the flavours of a range of different countries across Europe and Asia, and whilst it can all get a little too slow and laboured at times, it is worth the price of admission just for the eerily haunting strains of “Salva Nos II”, an impressive reworking of the series’ “action theme” into something very different but equally worthy. Equally deserving of note is the fact that Yuki Kajiura proves with her Colosseum theme that bagpipes can actually be used in a worthwhile fashion

Notable tracks: Secret Game, Salva Nos II, Maze, Killing

Mini-editorial: Should anime fans feel compelled to support their local market?

In the UK, it is easy enough to import DVDs and manga from America (or, for those with the extra cash, Japan), but there are equally those who believe that it shouldn’t be done- that if we want our fledgling anime and manga market to flourish, we must invest in it instead. This is of course, a valid point, but for those of us who must carefully plan how to spend our disposable income in order to get the best value for money, the US market is that much more attractive- after all, an £11 good quality DVD is more appealing than a £15 inferior quality one released several months later. Of course, the quality cannot increase without an influx of money, but is it our duty as consumers to feel constrained by the bigger picture? Shouldn’t it be up to the companies themselves to make their product the best on the market (or less encouragingly, bully the alternatives out of business)? Or ultimately, does it matter if a small cadre of hardcore fans choose to import, when the bulk of more casual anime buyers will not know or care how to do so?

To be perfectly honest, I may live in England, but I actually know less about UK anime release schedules than those of the R1 DVDs or US published manga I am interested in buying (this wasn’t always the case, and I still have many R2s from the old days). I know there will be those who will grumble under their breath, but ultimately isn’t it up to the individual how they spend their money (within obvious legal constraints)? If you have the funds to “double dip” and buy both US and UK versions, or the patience and tolerance for some of the tissue paper level DVDs and casings with the occasional French or German lines in the subtitles that are seen on this side of the Atlantic, then by all means go ahead (yes, some R2s are better, but only a few), but be prepared to accept that not everyone wants to do this.

In Your Reflection

This week’s head-to-head is between Spiral’s Ayumu Narumi and Loveless’ Aoyagi Ritsuka. At the beginning of the series, both characters in a position where their older brother is missing/apparently dead, leaving them to live with a female family member. In short order, they are thrust into a clandestine underground world, with mysterious rules and unknown members, whilst retaining a link to normal life through their female schoolfriend.

Fashion Police: Maria

In the last of our Burst Angel arrests, the police have chosen to take down their most dangerous target yet- the highly impractically dressed Maria. As we can see from the picture, her “dress” not only covers an amazingly small amount of flesh, but there seems to be nothing at all holding it up at the front, resulting in a situation for potential disaster beyond even that of Sei. The legs are at least reasonably dressed, although the logic of tying a knife into one’s ponytail and having two large wings of hair must surely be questioned.

Fashion sense: D-

Amusing Search Terms

Old favourites: hard yaoi, yaoi hard, “hack pre audition”, cat on acid, “hack boss audition”

Manshiro Boy?: Welcome to the world of the Otome manga.

bursting nipples: Sounds painful.

the fourth round rumble: what is this?

EVILS vampires MANGA: Hmm, that’s specific.

.hack//roots 26+?: No, no more!

lesbian trio: Still looking for that elusive threesome.

stick hard yaoi: Stick it in.

how to put you toube in facebook: “Hello, can I put my toube in your face?”

Manga flame drawings: none her.

irohanihoheto second series: it was a good enough series, but wasn’t one season enough?

Romance of the Three Kingdoms Goes Henta: ROTK hentai?

pictures of nakade gay men: okay…

Harvest moon parody: look, Hung, people do read this kind of thing!

futanari lesbians: once again, okay…

“but for now” mid: but for now, it hasn’t been found.

anime: friends scattered: oh no, friends divided, probably in an unknown land!

Gundam Pizza Hut
Many of you must have wondered where the Gundam franchise would go next, or how it could possible top the masterpiece of angst, pointless characters, flashbacks and long stretches of boredom that is commonly referred to as Gundam Seed Destiny. Fortunately, Tuesday Rumble can exclusively reveal the next title in the long-running Gundam franchise- Gundam Pizza Hut!

In a universe where numerous factions on Earth and in orbiting space colonies are in constant conflict for no good reason, delivering pizzas can be a dangerous task. After numerous pizza-carrying Zakus are destroyed, Pizza Hut designs five new mobile suits- Gundams- designed to safely deliver pizzas to all corners of the solar system. When four of the Gundams are stolen by rival pizza restaurant Domino’s Pizza, however, an epic battle begins. Can KirAthruShinn, pilot of the Cheese and Tomato Gundam, outwit the Domino pilots of the stolen Hawaiian, Olive, Pepperoni and Stuffed Crust Gundams and ensure that hungry customers get piping hot Pizza Hut? Find out on Gundam Pizza Hut!

KyoAni presents Toilet Cleaners, or A Guide to Hype
When KyoAni announces that they will be producing a new anime about the working lives of toilet cleaners, the fanboys go wild. Let’s chart their reactions.

1. At first, there is general upset- a season spent on Toilet Cleaners is one less season for Haruhi, FMP and the latest Key adaptation.

2. Nonetheless, the discord soon passes- after all, this is KyoAni, and so Toilet Cleaners is bound to be great.

3. Numerous blog posts based around promotional artwork, CMs and general anticipation of Toilet Cleaners start to infest the BlogWorld. Some people start reading the Toilet Cleaners manga in order to be prepared for the anime, whilst Hung gets upset that this will stop a.f.k. from subbing more Animal Yokocho.

4. By the time Toilet Cleaners is ready to air, the anticipation is at fever pitch. Every fanboy is thoroughly excited about this exciting anime that will expose the heretofore unseen lives of the humble toilet cleaners.

5. Episode one airs, and even those who do not know a word of Japanese rush to download the raw. Up to twenty five minutes are then spent watching it.

6. When it comes to viewers’ attention that an anime about cleaning toilets cannot be anything other than utter crap, a complete backlash occurs. In short order, everyone is posting about how awful Toilet Cleaners is and how the hype has led to disappointment.

7. Within the next week or so, a subbed version appears, episode two airs, and more people pick up the series. It now become popular to buck the trend of hating Toilet Cleaners and post about how it really isn’t that bad, and is in fact quite entertaining in places.

8. By the time the fourth episode has aired, hardly anyone cares anymore…unless of course the series does something high profile like changing director.

Reideen Pick and Mix

“I’ve finally worked out how to beat Solitaire!”

“Are you saying you want to have HORSE?”

“How many times do I have to turn you down before you’ll realise I don’t want to go out with you!?”

“But you’re the only one who can arouse me!”

“Don’t even bother to try that old line- I’m just not interested.”

New Wang’s headquarters are spotted.

“I think that will result in a better HARD GAY experience overall.”

Random Thoughts: Nanoha

This week we catch Nanoha on set during the filming of the latest episode of StrikerS! We know you’ve all been dying to hear her thoughts on this new series, so listen carefully!

So, Nanoha, you were only nine years old when you first starred in Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha. Was it difficult being a child star, especially one that so many lolicons were ogling over?
Well, although not many people know this, I’d actually already played a sixth-grader in Triangle Heart, and it was from there that I got the job for Nanoha. It was a bit strange to go back to playing a third grader, and to be honest, I always wondered why more people didn’t question the fact that it was left to a bunch of nine year olds to save the world. As for the whole lolicon issue, I honestly had no idea that kind of thing was associated with our series- I thought they were watching it because of my acting skills.

How do you answer accusations that Raising Heart is the one that does all the work in battle whilst you just stand there?
Raising Heart: That is correct- Nanoha is useless-

Nanoha: Shut up! Next question, please.

Well then, moving on to StrikerS, did you expect to be sidelined for a whole bunch of new characters that, quite frankly, no one cares about?
I guess there’s no point hiding it anymore- that tight-fisted studio weren’t willing to pay us recurring characters the fee we deserve, and we ended up in court arguing over it. Since they couldn’t exactly make the show without us with a huge backlash, we eventually came to a agreement that we would accept the lower wage but work in fewer scenes. We honestly thought that the studio would realise their folly and eventually agree to pay us more, but those skinflints just brought in a bunch of cheap to hire newcomers- can you believe it?

Could you also explain the logic between using a limiter to downgrade your impressive power?
That’s obvious, isn’t it? This series has to last twenty-six episodes, so they can’t just have us blowing away the enemy right at the beginning. Instead, we have to act like weaklings and wait for those damned newcomers to level up.

And finally, are you allowed to drop any hints as to what we can expect to see in future episodes of StrikerS?
I have to keep the specifics strictly confidential, but you can expect a lot of transformation sequences and fights against generic enemies.

This Week in Anime

Onions, potatoes and carrots decide to undergo essential bonding by going on a camping trip together.

Kenichi finds himself at the mercy of an apple infection.

The cure is swift but dangerous.

…and re-infection is always a problem.

Anime Awards

Most enjoyable flashback of the week goes to Claymore, which seems to have improved with the advent of its flashback arc.

Most forgettable OVA of the week has already been forgotten, but is a prize that deserves to be shared between Sakura Taisen New York and Murder Princess.

Widest angle scene of the week appears in Heroic Age, which gives widescreen a new meaning with its needlessly wide angled battle scenes.

HARD GAY corner: Gundam Seed
Kira and Athrun were HARD GAY partners from childhood, but a cruel fate saw them separated and forced to fight on opposing sides. Although Athrun had new lovers in the form of Yzak, Nicol and Dearka, he longed for Kira’s skilled embrace, whilst Kira’s Coordinator skills made all his Natural lovers seem unskilled- only Mu La Flaga could even come close to satisfying him.

After numerous experiments with passing lovers, and even brief dabbling in the world of STRAIGHT, Kira and Athrun were eventually able to reconcile with each other and experience a new form of HARD GAY known as ‘SEED’, but little did they know that their idyllic days were numbered.

To be continued in HARD GAY Corner: Gundam Seed Destiny.

OST spotlight: Phantom Brave
As the bonus disc that comes with the Phantom Brave game, this short CD isn’t one I would have bought on its own was it not provided. That’s not to say it is bad; in fact, the melodic orchestral blend of lilting themes often reaches quite a high standard for game music- it may not be able to challenge the greats, but it is still worthy on its own merit at times. Unfortunately, it isn’t really consistent, with some of the slower vocal ballads feeling more dull and interminable than engaging.

Notable tracks: Thinking of You, Grand Melody, Game Braker, Strange Wind, Sorrow

Licensing Reactions

• Saiunkoku Monogatari (Geneon): This isn’t unexpected since Geneon already acquired a SaiMono domain name, but now it is finally official, and whilst I love the series and want it in DVD, 39 episodes across singles will a bit too much of a strain on the budget, forcing me to wait for a boxset.

Mini-editorial: How similar should the anime and manga be?
I’ve talked about anime adaptations that have been better or worse than their original manga, but when it comes down to it, how similar should the two be? As we all know, changing the story in order to better suit the pacing of a twenty-five episode, adding in filler or changing the ending because the manga is unfinished are hardly uncommon, and yet they are also often cause for vocal complaints as a solid original story gets turned into something inferior. Then again, if the anime follows the manga exactly, no only does one become disinclined to experience the exact same story over again, but a certain amount of impatience and boredom creeps in due to knowing exactly what will come next.

Slice of life series such as Aria, Mushishi and Honey and Clover seem to be at their best when they echo the manga exactly, without ever feeling dull- and for some reason, it was the same with the faithful Hikaru no Go. Other faithful series such as the exposition-heavy Death Note, however, just feel surplus to requirements for anyone who is already familiar with the manga. On the flip side of the coin, the changes made to series such as Chobits only end up making the anime feel slower paced and more painful, perhaps because the original material is not that strong to begin with. Perhaps ultimately, this is a situation that needs to be taken on a series by series (or at least genre by genre) case, with consideration towards what works in each medium, and of course the quality of the core story.

Harem of the week: Keitaro Urashima- Love Hina
The luckless loser destined never to get into Tokyo University, Keitaro was a handed a harem of sorts by becoming manager of the Hinata Apartments, an all-female dormitory.

Harem

Naru Narusegawa: The main girl, and tsundere locked in a perpetual cycle of softening towards Keitaro and then beating up when he makes yet another unintentional faux pas.

Mitsune Konno (Kitsune): The laid back and forward older woman (in terms of attitude rather than age), has a fondness for drinking and causing trouble for others.

Kaolla Su: The eccentric inventor loli, can transform into an adult form under certain circumstances.

Shinobu: The quiet loli, shyly adores Keitaro.

Motoko Aoyama: The tough girl, a kendo expert scared to reveal a softer side.

Mutsumi: The sick girl, a childhood friend and love rival.

Sarah McDougal: Another loli, this one the aggressive and unruly type.

Rivals

Professor Noriyasu Seta: The object of Naru’s crush, and when she later turns to Keitaro, Kitsune reveals her feelings for him.

Lamba Lu: Cousin of Su, she seems to have feelings for him before giving him up to her sister Amalla.

Kentaro Sakata: An early rival for Naru’s affections until he becomes too minor to be a threat.

Fashion Police: Meg
The second entrant in our Burst Angel month of fashion diasasters, Meg illustrates what Selphie initially taught us- there are certain shades of yellow that should not be used extensively in clothing. Where Selphie wore a rag, however, Meg does at least cover herself up a bit, although much of the upper body and thighs are left exposed, with only the hideous yellow chaps attempting to compensate for a skirt so short that her panties are inevitably exposed. And above all else- why don’t her breasts pop out of the laughably small bit of fabric that is holding them in?

Fashion sense: F

Amusing Search Terms

Old favourites: busou renkin hentai, pr0n toube, you toube

romance of the three kingdoms III winxp: Not here, I’m afraid.

Ginga Densetsu Weed Theme Downloads: people actually want this as a computer theme?

rotk rpg: Can’t find ROTK III? Make your own RPG instead.

autumn flame grass: what is this?

“love slave” baka updates: Maybe try Baka Updates instead of Azure Flame?

rpg maker xp stargate: Stargate the RPG, coming soon to a galaxy near you.

On another note, I once signed up to Facebook under a fake name to look at some photos, yet people have actually been sending pokes and friend requests to that account. Does this mean that Burtholomew Ffaffington-Smythe is now a little bit more real than he used to be?

Bakumatsu Kikansetsu Irohanihoheto: Chess Piece Spin-off
If, like me, you feel that the English chess piece group needed more attention, then you’ll be happy to learn of this special spin-off series that follows their adventures. Join Queen, Knight, Rook and Bishop as they complete secret assignment on behalf of tea-drinking England- missions filled with intrigue, action and the historical setting you’ve come to know and love. Better yet, the first DVD comes with a bonus disc featuring the doujin game “IrohaWarriors”. Don’t miss it!

Build-A-Generic Workshop
Readers may be familiar with the toy store “Build A Bear Workshop”, a place where you choose your plushie, have it stuffed, name it and select clothes for it. Now, this basic concept has been extended to Build-A-Generic Workshop, a similar store that lets one order squads of generics for any occasion! From medieval soldiers to modern day city crowds, Build-A-Generic Workshop can satisfy any and all demands for generics! Here’s how the generic building process works:

1. Choose them: choose the gender and build of your generics.

2. Voice them: an optional step in which a limited amount of dialogue can be selected for the generics.

3. Dress them: choose clothing for your generics, based on what era they will be needed for.

4. Style them: select a hairstyle for your generics- Bakumatsu/Meiji era wigs are not recommended.

5. Program them: program simple looping movement sequences into the generics if necessary.

6. Deploy them: have the generics dropped into the scenes where they will be needed.

An Introduction to Shining Tears X Wind
Welcome to Shining Tears X Wind, a world so nonsensical that catgirls can appear out of nowhere and girls can pull swords out of their chests just because the hero needs a weapon. Here’s a brief overview of the wonders the first two episodes offered us, in no particular order (and excluding the dull school scenes for fear of readers dying of sheer boredom).

You know a series is going to be bad when the main character starts having an erotic scene with an ugly generic.

Oh no, the evil elves! This is about as original as Eragon.

“Excuse me, but is that a monster wang?”

“My name…is Tabby.”

“Don’t you recognise me? I’m Haseo.”

“Ever since Roots, I’ve had an insatiable desire for BI sessions with generic monsters.”

“In this land we have both Generic and HORSE.”

I think it’s fairly obvious from the episode name that this is a HARD GAY series.

Even the anime itself is amazed that anyone would watch more than one episode of this crap.

Coming soon: Man X Man.

Haseo practises his Fei Wong ‘Sword in a Hole’ Technique.

Yep, this is definitely a .hack rip-off.

Heroine’s default pose in Moping Status: battle strength 0, defence 0.

It’s been a while since we’ve had a good ‘Damn you’.

“Of course, as a Lord of Darkness, she must try again…and again…and again…”

Actually, that’s just a bowl of sake.

This Week in Anime

Apple gets peeled in Guyver.

Tomato makes rare appearance to combat overuse of apples.

The man from Del Monte reminds us all to eat five a day.

“Here’s how we turn a tomato into juice.”

“I crush the tomatoes, and they sluice down into vats.”

Anime Awards: Retooled and Revived Yet Again

Most incredible hair of the week goes to Juliet of Romeo X Juliet, who has masses of hair but somehow tucks it all away into some kind of no-space when she dresses as a boy.

New Crossover: What floats in the air above Aria’s Neo-Venezia? Could it perhaps be the aerial city, Neo Verona? With their Italian names and futuristic settings, it may well be that Romeo X Juliet and Aria are part of the same world, and that RxJ takes place in Aqua’s skies.

Anime of the Month: Whilst SaiMono takes the award once again for ongoing series, the backlog presents a winner in the form of Fafner, a series that whilst not exactly perfect, is still oddly addictive and enjoyable.

Manga of the Month: Gunslinger Girl picks up the prize for its absorbing fifth volume, but CLAMP classic Tokyo Babylon is also worthy of an honourable mention in this category.

Special- Spring Season Early Awards

The ‘I don’t remember this happening in the original play’ award for Most Creative Adaptation goes to Romeo X Juliet for putting an almost unrecognisable spin on Shakespeare’s play, but still proving enjoyable in the process.

The Gone Already Award for Fastest Dropped Series is shared jointly between the dull Hitohira and the awful Shining Tears X Wind.

The New Lows Award for Potentially Worst Anime Ever: Another award for Shining Tears X Wind, which in principle may be better than Disgaea and Hime-sama Goyoujin, but is still entirely unappealing.

The ‘Looks Promising’ Award for a Good Gonzo Adaptation: It may be too early to hand out an award like this, but for now Bokurano is holding its own.

The ‘I want it all on DVD now!’ Award for Incredible Quality from the Start goes to Darker than Black for weaving a surprisingly worthy story from the outset (and including its own darker than black cat), although of course I have long wanted all of SaiMono to be with me right now.

The ‘Breaking the Curse’ Award for an Excellent Second Season goes to SaiMono for thus far maintaining the quality that made me love the first season so much.

The ‘Upholding the Curse’ Award for a Lacklustre Third Season goes to Nanoha StrikerS for taking a formula that offered well animated light entertainment and turning it into a dull procession of insipid new characters and HARD YURI undertones.

The Sumptious Visuals Award for Quality of Setting goes to Seirei no Moribito for its beautiful settings and backdrops that almost make the story a mere extra.

The Zhuge Liang Award for most HARD GAY series should probably go to Winter Cicada since it is an actual yaoi OVA, but somehow seems more fitting for Koutetsu Sangokushi.

The Azure Flame Award for Best Parody Candidate is shared between Seirei no Moribito, El Cazador de la Bruja, Winter Cicada and Koutetsu Sangokushi.

The Bee Train Hates Action Award for most Dull Girls With Guns series is awarded to El Cazador de la Bruja for so far making every twenty minute episode feel like a laborious twenty-five hours in length.

The ‘Not Bad’ Award for most Inoffensively Average Series goes to Heroic Age, which will hopefully improve and not make me curse the time wasted watching it later on.

The ‘I know I said I would but I can’t be bothered’ Award for series I just can’t bring myself to watch must go to sola, which Hinano almost persuaded me to parody until I faced up to how boring it was going to be.

The Slow Burner Award for Most Hopeful Looking series goes to Claymore, which hasn’t had an excellent start but if manga fans are to be believed, will improve later (and yes, right now I believe them).

HARD GAY corner: Record of Lodoss War OVA
Parn always loved HARD GAY, but with his father long gone, it was only when he discovered his destiny as a Sword-wielding warrior that he learned its true possibilities. Whilst the Staff and Axe of his companions was satisfactory, however, Parn’s true love lay with King Kashue, and despite Deedlit the elf’s attempts to turn him STRAIGHT (a duty of elves in this world), his crush on Kashue was too great to be ignored.

Fortunately, the couple was able to consummate their relationship when Kashue taught him the ways of Sword, but Parn’s appetite for HARD GAY only continued to increase, leading him to challenge Ashram, the most HARD GAY man in the land. Ashram too had a female elf who wanted him to turn STRAIGHT, but by ignoring her, he was able to have mighty Sword with Parn before being consumed by a RAGING HARD-ON.

Parn was not the only man to seek HARD GAY in this world, however, with the legendary kings Beld and Fahn know as long time partners with opposing Swords whose power increased in each others presence. Unfortunately, their final HARD GAY was fatal to Fahn, and Beld himself died shortly after.

OST spotlight: Madlax OST 2
Those familiar with Yuki Kajiura’s work will recognise all the themes on this OST, which combines strains of her work on Madlax CD1 with the likes of Noir and .hack. That being said, if you can get past the degree of remix, this is actually quite a worthy compilation of tracks, featuring energetic restylings of Madlax’s key themes, and quietly poignant piano pieces.

Notable tracks: We are One, Open Your Box, Fall on You, Saints, People are People, She’s Gotta Go, Madlax

Licensing Reactions

• Zero no Tsukaima (Geneon): Even the original novel isn’t really good enough for me to want to buy it, and the anime is that much worse. After two episodes of fanservice and tiresome characters, I put this aside for good.
• Innocent Venus (ADV): Another series that didn’t last long in the viewing stakes, Innocent Venus seemed like it might be promising, but turned out to be a bland rip-off of other series that was so dull that I could barely concentrate on what was happening. All hope of worth vanished when the irritating pirate characters showed up.
• Kiba: Apparently this gets better later on, but when Zed’s generic light entertainment story proved better than Noah’s angst, it didn’t seem destined to have long term appeal.

Mini-editorial: How is the next generation of recordable media going to affect anime collectors?
With Gunbuster 2 carrying a higher price tag thanks to Bandai Visual’s attempts to erase the pricing gap between Japanese and American anime DVDs in preparation for the day when the two countries are in the same region, it’s time to start thinking about the future of buying anime. Are the lives of importers looking for the cheapest deal or the fastest release going to be greatly restricted by rising costs and region limitations? Will the situation backfire if anime becomes so unattractively expensive that everyone decides to just download everything they want? Is anyone actually all that concerned about starting to collect anime on Blu-ray or HD-DVD yet? I know that personally, DVD is good enough for me at the moment, and I see no need to wade into the next generation format wars and spend money on something that will be cheaper and offer more variety a few years down the line.

Harem of the week: Seina Yamada (Tenchi Muyo GXP)
He may have had the worst luck in the galaxy, but his ability at attracting women was surprisingly phenomenal. Unlike other harem leads, he didn’t even have to choose which girl to end up with, as he got them all.

Harem

Amane Kaunaq: The seductive older woman with large breast and a forward personality.

Kiriko Masaki: The childhood friend and strait-laced girl, natural foil to Amane.

Ryoko Balta/Erma: Tough space pirate with a soft spot for Seina, she also diguises herself as the Wau Erma in order to get more screen time.

Neju: The priestess with the body of a loli despite her seniority in years.

Fuku: A cabbit who will be able to turn into a humanoid girl when she grows up- fills in the furry contingent.

Other girls: Four spies from an alien federation who posed as Seto’s ladies in waiting and ended up marrying Seina in order to bulk out the numbers.

Rivals

Seiryo Tennan: Harbours a hatred towards humans since his defeat at the hands of Tenchi in the OVA, and considers Seina his rival and nemesis.

Fashion Police: Pai

Although her Roots form is worse, this game art is the best picture I have of Pai and so I’ll have to work from it instead. As I said in a Roots rant a while back, Pai might not seem too bad at first glance, but take a closer look and the flaws become apparent. Even discounting the bizarre style of the big hair, Pai remains too scantily clad for her own good, whilst oddly shaped accessories like the pouches on her legs simply defy reason or explanation. She wins a few points for her ‘sexy meganekko’ upper body, but promptly loses them again when we turn to Roots and discovers that she looks like a man in drag under Bee Train’s ministrations.

Fashion sense: D- (game), E (anime)

Amusing Search Terms

Old favourites: Hack Perfect Audition, you toube sex, bouncing breasts, “A Three” doujin

anime swap bodies episode: Murder Princess, or one of the other ‘hilarious’ examples of this (so hilarious, in fact, that I cannot recall them right now)?

What do you think Light Yagami is suffer: A lack of a sense of humour.

Utawarerumono H-game?: Yes, it is.

trio lesbian: The shy meganekko, the angsty girl and the dominant girl.

weed season 3 coming?: Maybe you should wait for season 2 first.

rpg bouncing breasts: Fear my attack- Boob of Death!

yuri bondage: the yuri fangirls are out in force this week.

Harvest Moon how to cook animals: Poor cows, sheep and chickens! Sorry, but as a game marketed at the younger audience you can’t just push your animals into the refrigerator.

rmxp gundam seed sprites: I did say something about making sprites on request, didn’t I? But that’s only for people who comment.

tokiko nude buso renkin: Beats Papillon nude, I guess.

reading rumble: Is this a printed version of Tuesday Rumble? Or some sort of battle where participants beat each other over the heads with books?

is azure kite gay: Excuse me whilst I actually laugh out loud.

harvest moon magical moments egg festiva: Ah, those magical moments…wait, my game doesn’t have an egg festival.

yuri rape: oh dear, they’re getting more perverted.

mosters niples: if you’re going to search for something like that, at least learn how to spell.

gay yaoi: Wouldn’t STRAIGHT yaoi be something of a contradiction?