How I became ‘perverted’

Maintaining a reputation can be difficult sometimes- one minute you’ve convinced everyone you’re as sweet and innocent as they come, the next you’ve gained a reputation for being a bit of a pervert. The latter isn’t true, of course, but how could such a misunderstanding have come about?

Excuses, Excuses

• “I only played that eroge because I was curious after watching the anime adaptation!”
• “I only acquired those game CGs because I like the character designs!”
• “I only read that yaoi manga because it had an interesting sounding title!”
• “These pictures of couples and naked women are just references for my drawing!”
• “I’m only looking at this adult doujin because someone sent it to me!”
• “I know this anime has adult scenes, but I’m watching it for its historical/dramatic/romantic elements!”

I just played that adult game because it had SRPG elements! I just downloaded those naked women because they looked beautiful! I’m just reading this yaoi manga because I liked the title!

Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei: the lost chapters

Sensei is at his desk, but nothing is happening.

Chiri: Sensei, the bell has rung- you should be taking class!

Sensei: There will be no class today! I must finally depart this mortal coil!

Sensei gets out a noose.

Sensei: Last night, I had a marvellous idea- something that would become my life’s work! But when I woke up this morning, I had forgotten it! There’s no point in living anymore!

Kafka: But Sensei, when we forget things, it’s just to make room for new things!

Sensei: Zetsubou shita! This world where great ideas can so easily be forgotten has left me in despair!

• Ideas you think of whilst falling asleep that are forgotten in the morning because you forgot to write them down.
• Forgetting everything you revise when you get into the exam.
• Forgetting a perfect pitch in front of potential investors.
• Freezing up in the middle of a play or recital.
• Unsaved documents lost in a computer crash.
• Priceless works lost to fire or flood.
• Geniuses dying of malnutrition because they forgot to eat.

Shaman King

Ryu receives some HARD GAY encouragement…

…along with a confession.

“I can get much more aroused than that!”

“A truly Zhuge Liang!”

“Don’t act so surprised- I told you I was large!”

Yoh discovers the joys of fetishism.

A perfect HARD GAY moment.

“I need to study those HARD GAY techniques!”

“Ryu, I’m just not into you.”

“You’re not doing it right!”

Len tries to deny any confusion over sexuality.

“Even if you’re not experienced with HARD GAY, we’ll see how it goes.”

“Man or woman, it’s all the same to you.”

Dragons’ Den

Welcome to our regular feature based on the TV program of the same name, in which anime characters try to market their great idea to five fat cats of anime! President Aria made his fortune in the gondola industry of Neo Venezia, and is now CEO of a well-known company. Mikoto started her business in the capital of Wind Bloom, and is now a trusted advisor to the queen, with business partners scattered across the world. Nyanko-sensei is a contract expert who made his fortune in the supernatural business, and whose sharp observations and ruthless manner make him a formidable businessman. Mr Tibbs started his career as a tea cat for the bank, but his sound grasp of finance saw him rise up the ranks until he became one of their most prominent managers. Finally, The Cardinal is the world’s most powerful fat cat, with a wide range of business interests that ensure that he has a paw in every pie (often literally, depending on his appetite). These five cats represent some heavyweight investment clout in every sense of the word, but is any deal attractive enough to get them to roll off their backsides and shake paws with a budding entrepreneur?

Entering the Den this week is Fai D. Flowright, an entrepreneur with an intriguing concept based around discoveries made whilst travelling.

Fai: Hello, my name is Fai, and I’m here to represent Tsubasa Enterprises. We are looking for investment in the procurement and sale of our product, the Sakura Feather. Made of pure memory, these feathers represent an amazing new power source, one that is both renewable and eco-friendly.

Mr Tibbs: When you say procurement, does that mean you aren’t actually making these?

Fai: Well, not as such, no- we just collect them.

Nyanko-sensei: And how hard is it to collect them?

Fai: It’s not without its challenges- but it’s well worth the effort. They make amazing power sources.

Cardinal: Hmm, I do have the manpower to see to their collection, but I have several questions. First, what’s to stop other people from collecting and selling the same product? Do you have an exclusivity contracts?

Fai: Well, I’m travelling with the heroes, so we always get the feathers.

Mikoto: Always? Bear in mind that we have had Fei Wong Reed in here, who I believe you may be familiar with.

Fai: Okay, there have been one or two exceptions, but we do have the monopoly on the market.

Cardinal: Fair enough, but even so, there must be a finite amount of feathers. I’m very wary of investing in a company whose worth will one day just drop to zero- unless of course you have a contingency plan?

Nyanko-sensei: Now wait a minute, I can see some potential here. Is there any way you could research or take control of actual feather production?

Fai: Erm, I…I honestly don’t know.

Aria: Punyu. [Making feathers is obviously going to cost someone their memories. I’m not comfortable with that, and so I’m out.]

Cardinal: To be honest, as you are, you are not investable. If you can find a way to maintain the exclusivity of your product and the longevity of your business, we’d be interested, but as it is, it’s not something that can be scaled to the levels we’re looking at. I think I speak for all of us when I say- I’m out.

Although most of the Dragons were interested in the product, flaws in the business model have discouraged the Dragons, leaving Fai to go home without the investment he was hoping for.

Scenes we’d like to see

Lines you’d never hear in Star Trek

“Captain, there’s a major disaster affecting the Federation- but another starship has taken care of it so we won’t be needed.”

“Everything is as it seems on this idyllic alien planet- let’s enjoy an entire episode of doing nothing.”

“Captain, I’m not going down to the planet with you- this red shirt means I’d be doomed!”

“You know what, Spock, I really can’t be bothered to save the galaxy today- let’s just leave it.”

“Cap’n, the engines are down, the dilithium crystals are shot, and there’s no way I can fix it! I’m goin’ home for the day!”

“The invading aliens don’t seem to be at all interested in Earth! They’re targeting one of the many other planets in the Federation!”

“Does anyone have a map of this place? I seem to be lost on Deck Five.”

“These alien pleasure women are an illogical nightmare, Captain- I’m completely

and utterly sexually exhausted.”

“People of Earth, we have come to share our knowledge and wisdom with you- and there is absolutely no catch! No really, this time you can trust us!”

This Week in Anime

The sight of so many lemons in anime is unprecedented.

Chop!

Squeeze!

But they won’t give up their secrets easily.

And, if given the chance, they will fight back.

HARD GAY- just say no.

When so many fruits come together, something is bound to happen…

…and indeed, within moments a fight has broken out.

“Just because fruits appear all the time in anime, there’s no need to shove it down our throats!”

“I thought everyone liked putting some ‘banana’ in their mouth.”

“Aagh, someone’s having DOG in here!”

“I feel strangely aroused.”

“No one was ever meant to see DOG!”

“Oranges and whites, get your oranges and whites here!”

“I’ll take an orange- I don’t know what whites are.”

“Smile for the camera, orange!”

That fruit basket from earlier somehow jumps series to end up here.

“Oh my god, he’s having WATERMELON!”

“Destroy this abomination at once!”

“Akagi will be along soon.”

Game World Tour: Mana Khemia

Welcome to a world where your dreams of attending a school of alchemy can finally be realised! At the dedicate Al Revis Academy, you will spend three years on campus, learning alchemic synthesis, combat training and survival skills. Unfortunately, you will not be allowed to leave campus from the time you arrive until the time you graduate, but if you do well enough in your studies, you will have plenty of free time to explore and make new friends. Just be warned- slack off in your studies and you’ll get put in detention! So don’t delay, apply to Al-Revis Academy today!

Mini-rant: Why is it always character A’s fault when character B is a complete and utter a-hole? Is it a reflection on Japanese culture?

Forgive the length of the title, but upon watching Antique Bakery episode 8, I was struck by something- how many times in anime have we seen a character complain about someone acting rudely or indifferently towards them, only to be told it’s their fault? Now, whilst I appreciate that interaction is a two-way thing, and that both sides may not be completely blameless, when we see a character acting deplorably, isn’t it the fault of that particular character? Is it merely indicative of the values of politeness, respect, obedience and so forth in Japanese culture that mean we should take it as our own fault when people treat us badly? Shouldn’t we just call them out for being the assholes that they are?

Take Leon in Kaleido Star, for example- he went as far as dropping his partner, and then Sora and May get the blame for not being trusting enough. Personally, I don’t blame them for being wary if he’s going to take it into his head to do something like that.

Harem of the week: Vayne (Mana Khemia)

A quiet and sometimes weak-willed character, Vayne started out pretty indifferent to the world, but still somehow managed to amass girls around him

Harem

Jess: The main girl, classmate and the first one to befriend Vayne when he comes to Al-Revis Academy. Suffers from a mysterious sickness.

Nikki: An outspoken catgirl with super strength and the desire to marry lots of husbands and bear lots of children.

Pamela: A ghost who resides in the school library, Pamela is whimsical and easily distracted.

Anna: A pre-teen master of swords, she is an impeccable samurai but sometimes misinterprets social situations due to her overly serious nature.

With the recent announcement of a second season of Fullmetal Alchemist coinciding with the Pope announcing seven new ‘modern’ deadly sins, it seems only natural that the two should go hand in hand. Could it be that in this new season, Ed and Al will have to battle seven new Homunculi related to these sins?

Pollution: Like a villain from Captain Planet, Pollution’s only aim is to spew noxious and damaging materials into the atmosphere. Wherever Pollution goes, animals die, plants wither and mysterious mutants turn up.

Genetic Engineering: Under the guise of a simple country doctor, Genetic Engineering carries out horrific experiments even worse than those seen at Lab 5. His aim is to improve soul transfer and chimera creation, and he is one of the few Homunculi who can use alchemy.

Obscene Riches: Bearing a remarkable physical similarity to Peter Jones of Dragons’ Den, Obscene Riches’ only goal is to make as much money as possible, even if it means bankrupting others in the process.

Taking Drugs: Usually seen lurking on a street corner, Taking Drugs can produce all kinds of mind-altering substances from within his body. His only aim is to addict as many people as possible.

Abortion: In the guise of a midwife, Abortion travels from town to town, visiting pregnant women. With a single press of her hand to a woman’s abdomen, she can dissolve the baby inside.

Paedophilia: A creepy man in an overcoat, Paedophilia has an unhealthy interest in young children, and will whisk them off at the first opportunity.

Causing Social Injustice: A knight in tarnished armour, Causing Social Injustice travels the land, wronging rights wherever he goes.

Nabari no Ou 15-16

No one said HARD GAY was safe.

“Don’t use your Liang! You’re going to rip me apart!”

“It’s no good- I just can’t control the urges!”

“I didn’t want my first time to be this way!”

“I think I love you!”

“…whether I’m STRAIGHT or HARD GAY.”

“This is what happens when you jump straight into bed with a stranger.”

“I know where the sex toys are!”

“I’d like to order Pleasure for sometime within the next seven days.”

“I know you take a while to get in the mood, but surely that should be long enough to work up to it.”

“Think of servicing us as a mission.”

“Once we have the ultimate techniques, everyone’s sex life will improve!”

*NEW* Scenes We’d Like to See

Based on the round of the same name from Mock the Week, Scenes We’d Like to See suggests an anime-related situation and then comes up with humorous suggestions. Unfortunately, we don’t have the likes of Frankie Boyle and Hugh Dennis around to help out, but we’ll try our best.

“Things a giant robot pilot would never say”

“I’m sorry, but I can’t pilot this- I haven’t had any training!”

“This robot defies the laws of physics- can’t we just use some really big guns?”

“For god’s sake, I’m only fourteen! I want to go out with my friends and buy porn magazines, not pilot some robot!”

“As a generic character who only appears in the first episode, I’m sure that I will win this battle before the main character shows up.”

“Since I went out there without a clue as to what I was doing, of course I messed up and had to be rescued by my highly trained allies.”

“I’m turning twenty-one next week.”

“I have a happy family life with absolutely nothing to complain about.”

“I am a female Gundam pilot with numerous victories and extensive battle experience.”

“I find it really hard to get the girls.”

This Week in Anime

Massive apple balloon can only be eclipsed by…

…massive ice cream balloon that doesn’t quite look like what it’s meant to be.

“At last- an orange of my own! I must crack its secrets!”

Cameraman stumbles on secret rubber duck convention.

Onegai Teacher, sponsored by T-Mobile.

Zetsubou shita!

You can’t trust an orange when it’s just been left alone like that.

“It’s an orange!”

Rubber duck takes job as impromptu censor.

Oranges and bananas may aspire to climb the dessert mountain, but can either of them break through the chocolate ceiling?

“According to this, we must report all incidences of fruit and veg in anime!”

What can be more tragic than a crushed apple?

HORSE! Get your HORSE here!

An apple a day applies even to Nekomata.

Who knew that you had to mine for strawberries?

“We’re more used to seeing strawberries, apples and oranges in anime.”

“Zetsubou shita!”

“A 9K gold hairpin set with a round brilliant cut sky blue topaz!”

Anime World Tour: Antique Bakery

Welcome to a world where cakes and HARD GAY are synonymous with each other! If you have a sweet tooth and a desire to see pretty boys who may or may not be sleeping with each other, then stop by Antique, the café that caters to all your tastes! Just watch out, however, as this world is also populated by kidnappers with a penchant for force feeding cakes to their captives.

Harem of the week: Kei Kusanagi (Onegai Teacher)

A mild-mannered young man with a disease that caused him to periodically have standstills and look 15 at age 18, Kei was nonetheless quite a hit with the ladies- especially those from outer space.

Harem

Mizuho: Kei’s alien teacher, who he ends up married to after a series of events triggered by discovering her secret. Although it is initially a marriage of convenience, they do develop feelings for each other.

Herikawa: Kei’s optimistic and good-natured classmate who obviously has unrequited feelings for him.

Ichigo: Another classmate who suffers from the same disease as Kei and hence is in fact 21 years old.

Maho: Mizuho’s little sister; she initially disapproves of Kei but later seems to develop affectionate feelings for him.

Katsuho: Mizuho’s outgoing mother, an older woman who seems interested in seducing Kei.

Sensei enters the classroom.

Sensei: Class, today there is no class! As the world is ending tomorrow, we must make the most of our final hours?

Chiri: What do you mean, Sensei?

Sensei pulls out an diagram of CERN and the Large Hadron Collider.

Sensei: When they switch this on tomorrow, it will create a micro black hole and the whole world will be sucked in?

Kafka: I’m sure that won’t happen, Sensei.

Chiri: It’s just a baseless speculation- no sensible person would believe in it. Remember when the world was going to end in 1999?

Sensei: If we don’t take this seriously, then the world will really end and we’ll have missed a vital opportunity to completely disregard authority.

Sensei pours out a drink of alcohol, but it falls off the desk and smashes on the floor.

Sensei: Zetsubou shita! These reports of the end of the world have left me in despair!

• Dancing lessons would have been back on Friday.
• Tickets booked for events next year are now worthless.
• Even if the world does end, we won’t know it happened.
• The new school year has begun- all those wasted applications and homework!
• We needn’t have worried about resources running out.
• All those B-movies were wrong.

What’s in Naoki’s Newspaper?

Viewers of Itazura na Kiss will have noticed that Naoki pays more attention to his newspaper than his wife, but what is it that keeps him so occupied? We decided to suggest some possible articles that might have caught his eye.

• “How to be a Complete and Utter Bastard”
• “How not to be a Complete and Utter Bastard” (he keeps rereading it in the hopes that it will make sense one day).
• “Sweater Fashions: What not to wear”
• “Wil Schultz and Major Stork’s family advice column”

Blade of the Immortal 2

“Oh, homicidal- I thought you said homosexual!”

“You are a lousy lover!”

“But his Liang was Zhuge!”

“It is not the size that matters, it’s the technique.”

“Yesterday, you got greedy and tried to have two men at once!”

“One of them was an accursed gaijin, a filthy white man!”

“No man has ever tried to Pleasure two partners at once before!”

“And that one of them was a savage was even worse!”

“Who cares as long as you conquer your partner and force them to submit?”

“You don’t even need to undress to make me think dirty thoughts about you.”

“Teenage boys, on the other hand…”

“If you want to turn STRAIGHT, then you might as well go the whole way.”

“If you are as frustrated as you say, then show me by giving me the greatest Pleasure of my life!”

“Very well- I will.”

HARD GAY corner: Final Fantasy Tactics

Deprived of the HARD GAY a boy naturally enjoys with his brothers, Ramza Beoulve turned to his best friend Delita, but their happy years together came to an end when Delita decided to pursue new methods of Pleasure. Whilst Delita tried to set events in motion to cause the largest orgy ever, Ramza travelled the land, searching for the ultimate in HARD GAY partners. Unfortunately, all too often he was branded a heretic for hurting old men who only wanted little boys, but along the way he recruited the likes of Gun user Mustadio, “Hell in bed” knight Malak and Swordsman Orlandu to satisfy him in the bedroom. In the end, however, he decided that INCEST with his sister Alma was the way to go, and rode off into the sunset.

Mini-editorial: Are we too obsessed with tagging everything?

Mini-editorial is back (for this week, anyway), and we’re here to discuss the new(-ish) phenomenon that’s swept the internet- tags! From blog posts to images, everything can now be tagged with useful keywords that make searching for what you need that much easier, but whilst I find tagging as useful as the next internet addict, I have to wonder if we’ve gone a step too far. For example, these days when I write a review for Amazon, there’s an option to add tags to that review, and I have to wonder- does anyone actually use those tags in any constructive way whatsoever? Are we now at the stage where we tag things for the sake of it? Are we cluttering up our world with useless tags just because it’s a bit of a novelty? Or will the great tag infrastructure of the world someday prove useful? Like all things, maybe we need to use tagging in moderation- in some places, it is of course highly useful, but if it brings nothing to whatever we’re doing, maybe we shouldn’t be quite so tag-happy.

Harem of the week: Kazuki (Dual)

After being sent to a parallel universe, Kazuki discovered more than a few beautiful girls were up for spending time with him- all ultimately coming to live in the same house. What else would you expect from the creator of Tenchi?

Harem

Mitsuki Sanada: The main girl who comes across from Kazuki’s home universe- the tsundere type who hates any form of competition.

Mitsuki Rara: Mitsuki’s parallel universe counterpart; although she dresses up and plays the part of the overbearing enemy queen, her natural personality is reserved and self-effacing.

D: An alien being in an artificial body, she interprets things literally and has little understanding of the nuances of human behaviour.

Yayoi: The older woman, she acts as a mentor and teacher but holds a torch for Kazuki after he saves her life.

Class has begun, but Sensei is nowhere to be seen, and in his place is a crudely made replica.

Chiri: What is this?

Kaede: I can’t be taught by a fake! I’ll sue!

[Meru: What a stupid reproduction.]

Sensei appears from nowhere!

Sensei: This is the new, automated Sensei! In an age where humans are alowly being replaced by robots, we must move with the times!

Chiri pokes at the reproduction with a stick and the head falls off.

Sensei: Zetsubou shita! This world of callous automation has left me in despair!

• Automated phone systems- press one to advance.
• Self-service checkouts.
• The possibility that many TV celebrities are just androids.
• New robot that can perform surgery.
• Computers secretly gaining sentience.
• Movies about robotic rebellions.

Shion no Ou 22

Apart from the obvious Pleasure jokes, he’s complaining about injuring his hand whilst murdering Shion’s parents- obviously she should appreciate the trouble he went through.

“Pleasure! I must have more Pleasure!”

“It’s like a drug to me!”

“I want to be a part of this orgy!”

“There’s no point in holding back and not getting satisfaction.”

“Pleasure is as much about your partner as yourself.”

Dragons’ Den

Welcome to our regular feature based on the TV program of the same name, in which anime characters try to market their great idea to five fat cats of anime! President Aria made his fortune in the gondola industry of Neo Venezia, and is now CEO of a well-known company. Mikoto started her business in the capital of Wind Bloom, and is now a trusted advisor to the queen, with business partners scattered across the world. Nyanko-sensei is a contract expert who made his fortune in the supernatural business, and whose sharp observations and ruthless manner make him a formidable businessman. Mr Tibbs started his career as a tea cat for the bank, but his sound grasp of finance saw him rise up the ranks until he became one of their most prominent managers. Finally, The Cardinal is the world’s most powerful fat cat, with a wide range of business interests that ensure that he has a paw in every pie (often literally, depending on his appetite). These five cats represent some heavyweight investment clout in every sense of the word, but is any deal attractive enough to get them to roll off their backsides and shake paws with a budding entrepreneur?

Entering the Den this week is Keiichirou Tachibana, who is looking for investment in his Antique Bakery business, offering a unique mixture of delicious cakes and HARD GAY. Is the way to a Dragon’s heart through their stomach?

Tachibana: Hello, my name is Tachibana, and I’m the proprietor of Antique, a bakery offering cakes crafted by an expert Paris-trained patissier.

Mikoto: I won’t deny that we all like a good cake, but what sets your bakery apart from the thousands of others in the world?

Tachibana: Simple- no other bakery is as HARD GAY as mine.

Aria: Punyu. [That doesn’t sound like much of a selling point to me.]

Tachibana: I assure you that we appeal to the ladies too.

Tachibana puts on his best smile, but can the hard hearts of the Dragons possibly be softened?

Mikoto: Not only do you not appeal in the slightest, but as a royal cat, I can have my food delivered. What would make me want to order from your company?

Tachibana: Here, taste this.

The Dragons are offered a selection of cakes, which quickly vanish into their stomachs.

Cardinal: Hmm, not bad.

Nyanko-sensei: It’s a bit sweet for me- do you have any savoury dishes?

Tachibana: We’re about to launch our new savoury range in the New Year.

Cardinal: To be honest, the idea of investing in a bakery is interesting, but this is too HARD GAY for my image, so I’m out.

Aria: Punyu! [We already have many good cake shops in Neo Venezia, so I don’t think there’s room in the market for this.]

Mr Tibbs: Are you planning to go down the franchise route when it comes to opening more bakeries?

Tachibana: I hadn’t really thought that far ahead.

Mr Tibbs: Wait a minute- you’ve come here to ask for money from us and you don’t even have a proper business plan!? I’m disgusted, and I’m out.

Tachibana has failed to impress the Dragons, and three are out already. Will either the sceptical Mikoto or new Dragon Nyanko-sensei bite?

Mikoto: Yours is a small business, and with any luck, it will stay small- which is why I’m out.

Tachibana: Nyanko-sensei?

Nyanko-sensei: Tell me a bit about yourself- how did you get to this point?

Tachibana: Well, to be honest, I don’t like sweet things, but many years ago I was kidnapped by a man who force fed me cake. Thanks to that experience, I quit my job in the City and opened a bakery.

Nyanko-sensei: You don’t even like cakes?

Tachibana: Uh, no, not really.

Nyanko-sensei: Well, I can’t invest in someone who doesn’t believe in his own product, and that’s why I’m out.

Tachibana has lost all the Dragons, and must leave the Den with nothing. Without a sound business, even the sweetest cake won’t go down a treat with these investors.

This Week in Anime

Kazuki loses his nerve when confronted by yet another bowl of strawberries (okay, it’s the same bowl as last week).

“We are the strawberries…of DOOM!”

“Take that, strawberries of DOOM!”

During Hyper Self Pleasure, one man hasn’t grasped that you usually call out “Yes!”

Pineapple and cherry meet in a strange blue cocktail.

“His name was…Superman!”

No strawberry shall escape divine justice!

An evil rubber duck is capsized.

Zetsubou shita!

These oranges have no idea what lies in store for them.

“I can’t help it- I hate the smug looks on their faces!”

Just stop torturing those innocent oranges!

Flash Game Review: Monkey Puzzle

A game I discovered some ten years ago on the now defunct Games Domain, Monkey Puzzle is based on the typical “connect three of the same colour” game class. As the water rises, your only hope of escape is to launch different coloured coconuts into the air in an attempt to bring down the monkeys that block your path. Although the pattern of each level is identical, precise skill and timing is increasingly required as you progress in the game, and by level ten or eleven, the water is rising continuously- so woe betide anyone who makes even the tiniest of mistakes!

Harem of the week: Shinkurou Kurenai (Kurenai)

A high school student with a dangerous part-time job, Shinkurou was thrown in at the deep end when he had to become bodyguard for Murasaki, the escaped daughter of the Kuhouin family.

Harem

Murasaki: The main girl and obligatory loli. The series just about manages to make the relationship between them seem sweet rather than inappropriate.

Tamaki: Flatmate and outgoing university student with a reputation as a man-eater. Her bold personality hides deep seated insecurities.

Yamie: Goth girl who only dresses in black.

Benika: Older woman, mentor and teacher to Shinkurou.

Yayoi: Benika’s deputy, she watches over Shinkurou and Murasaki from the shadows.

Ginko: Schoolmate with a love of computers and an ability to nose out any scrap of information.

Yuno: Schoolmate and sparring partner; helps Shinkurou to train and strengthen himself.

Anime Olympics

With the real Olympics having just finished, it’s time for our favourite anime characters to step up to the plate and have a go at their own unique set of events. Highlight include-

• Trap Race: how fast can you dress as a member of the opposite sex?
• Harem relay: harem members race around the track in an attempt to get the object of their desire.
• Fat cat rollathon: fat cats roll towards their food bowls.
• Metal Diving: contestants must swim through Real Drive’s virtual reality.
• Mobile Suit race: how quickly can one Gundam pilot destroy generic mobile suits?
• Strip Fighting: high school girls battle in an attempt to see who can end up in their bra and panties the fastest.
• Swimsuit competition: obligatory.
• Special Attack Contest: who can shout the name of their attack the fastest? Who has the most ridiculous special move?

Seen any other events at the Anime Olympics? Be sure to tell us all about them!

Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei: the lost chapters

Sensei enters the classroom, more depressed than ever.

Kafka: Sensei, what’s wrong?

Sensei: I went to see my favourite actor last night!

Kafka: Isn’t that a good thing? Getting to meet your hero in the flesh!

Sensei: No- he was old!

Chiri: Meeting your heroes is always a disappointment.

Sensei: It’s not just that- he was past his prime!

Sensei gets out a noose.

Matoi: No, Sensei, don’t die without me!

Sensei: This isn’t for me! This is to kill off all actors before they get old and start losing their looks and talent! Zetsubou shita! This world where things continue past their best has left me in despair!

• Celebrities who become old and ugly.
• TV and book series that go on for so long that even their greatest fans don’t like them anymore.
• Favourite items that become old and unusable.
• Relatives who become too old and feeble to be useful.
• Old money that isn’t legal tender anymore.

Amtsuki 13

A mountain giving birth to a fox? Even I’m not that twisted.

“He was a real Countdown addict- he just couldn’t help it!”

“They specify the type of Pleasure that they want.”

Really?

“I am God! Monty Python style!”

“Now, are you an old man with a beard?”

Oh no, someone’s cracked the camera!

Ginshu has Pleasure with some giant Buddha statues from Gantz.

“Wait- are these leftover butterflies from the ending of Iroha?”

Now the world is falling apart!

Dragons’ Den

Welcome to our regular feature based on the TV program of the same name, in which anime characters try to market their great idea to five fat cats of anime! President Aria made his fortune in the gondola industry of Neo Venezia, and is now CEO of a well-known company. Mikoto started her business in the capital of Wind Bloom, and is now a trusted advisor to the queen, with business partners scattered across the world. The Admiral’s first business venture was to invest in a Chinese restaurant, but a meteor threat to Earth saw her buy shares in ground and space based defence technology, which she currently administers with her protégé “The General” (aka Shogun). Mr Tibbs started his career as a tea cat for the bank, but his sound grasp of finance saw him rise up the ranks until he became one of their most prominent managers. Finally, The Cardinal is the world’s most powerful fat cat, with a wide range of business interests that ensure that he has a paw in every pie (often literally, depending on his appetite). These five cats represent some heavyweight investment clout in every sense of the word, but is any deal attractive enough to get them to roll off their backsides and shake paws with a budding entrepreneur?

Hello and welcome to a special behind the scenes edition of Dragons’ Den. Following the first season of this fat cat rip-off of a popular BBC programme, we’ve decided to keep things fresh by introducing a new Dragon to the team! Whilst The Admiral departs for the world of book deals, speaking tours and cheap publicity, she will be replaced in the Den by Nyanko-sensei, who, whilst technically not a fat cat, looks enough like one to be let in. Nyanko-sensei is a contract expert who made his fortune in the supernatural business, and whose sharp observations and ruthless manner make him a formidable businessman. Expect to see Nyanko-sensei debut in the Den next week!

This Week in Anime

Don’t eat it- strawberries only lead to trouble!

Note the basket of fruit in the background- only a seasoned pro would spot those.

HORSE- coming indoors for your convenience.

Nonetheless, the dedicated HORSEman stills prefers to have it outside whilst stark naked.

Get those shiny strawberries away from me!

Hidamari Sketch’s rubber duck content mysteriously doubles.

“Should we really eat these strawberries of doom?”

In the world of live-action, lemons prove to be troublesome in The Scorpion King 2: Crappy Sequels Make Us Money.

Even Yoshinoya-sensei is getting in on the lemon act.

“You know they’re dangerous!”

“Aagh, reality is being warped by strawberries!”

This man is desperate to impress the food critics.

Strawberries of doom…

…followed by pizza (Hut)!

This is not a combination to be taken lightly, you fool!

What a cruel fate for a noble apple.

Flash Game Review: Chicken and Egg

I was actually looking for a different game where you have to breed chickens whilst making sure you don’t put two cocks together lest disaster occurs (if anyone knows the game I’m talking about, please link to it), but my top search result was Chicken and Egg. The object of the game is to move eggs of the same colour next to each other so that they will hatch, but naturally there are all sorts of obstacles and only a limited number of clicks per level. Although not as hard overall as other games of this type, Chicken and Egg is still a fun mix of brains and timing that will pass a few minutes now and then.

Harem of the week: Rentarou (Futakoi Alternative)

In a world with the same twins but a whole different setting to the original, Rentarou ‘Nidame’ balanced running his detective agency and fighting giant squid with meeting beautiful twins.

Sara and Sojyu: The main girls and Rentarou’s assistants- he may not know much about their past or their home life, but he knows that the three of them belong together.

Kira and Yura: Daughters of a local yakuza boss, they masquerade as “Gothloli Mask”, a crime fighting duet.

Rara and Ruru: Juvenile secret agents with some explosive moves.

Ai and Mai: The seductive older women.

Kaoruko and Sumireko

Ui and Koi

Book Promotion Special

Here at Azure Flame we like to keep you up to date with the latest developments in the anime world- everything from the Spice and Wolf trading game to the acclaimed crossover series “Mewsou Renkin”. Today, however, we’re here to advertise a new set of self-help books, written by some of the finest names in anime!

From Friendship to Marriage: A Guide to Relationships by Irie Naoki

Everyone’s favourite husband, Irie Naoki, takes us through relationships with the aid of his extensive personal experience. Learn how to impress the ladies and land that someone special with Naoki’s impeccable advice. Here are some extracts from this bestselling novel.

“Girls don’t appreciate affection, so act as coldly towards them as possible. Use their unrequited feelings for you to manipulate them into believing they’d never love anyone else, and then get married as quickly as possible. Don’t worry about the bonds of matrimony- you can treat wedlock as little more than casual dating.”

Top Class Dad by Oscar ‘Major Stork’ Whittington

The next book to hit the selves this summer is Oscar Whittington’s guide to being the perfect father- a must for all current and prospective dads!

“The best way to foster a relationship with your daughter is to abandon her at an early age and live the life of a cold-blooded murderer. When you are finally reunited with her, a simple birthday gift will be enough to mend any feelings of estrangement or dislike. The truly thoughtful dad will even go so far as to ask the love of her life to leave her for a life of undercover work.”

Love and Marriage: A Modern Perspective by Wil Schultz

A follow-up to Top Class Dad, Love and Marriage delves deeper into the process of raising a family.

“It is important not to casually say ‘I love you’ to your partner; save it for that moment when you get her pregnant and then leave her all alone. Fatherhood is enhanced by distance, so never admit to your child that you’re their parent; instead watch over them from a distance, maintaining a cool, professional relationship at all times.”

Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei: the lost chapters

Sensei enters the classroom at the beginning of another school day. He is looking particularly unkempt.

Chiri: Sensei, what happened?

[Meru: You can’t afford to look any worse than usual.]

Sensei: What’s the point of it all? Even if I bother to clean up, I’ll just get dirty again!

Kafka: So Sensei is just saving energy by not washing! How noble!

Chiri: Uh, I don’t think that’s it…

Maria: In Maria’s home country, we didn’t wash for years!

Matoi: I’ll love you no matter what, Sensei!

Sensei: Zetsubou shita! The society that places so much value on personal care has left me in despair!

• Having to wash when you’ll just get dirty again.
• Constantly needing haircuts because it keeps growing.
• Hair removal, manicures and other potentially painful processes.
• Anti-ageing creams that never work.
• Celebrities paying thousands for dodgy surgical processes.
• Getting dressed up nicely and then having to constantly get changed to do household jobs.

Amatsuki 12

This hamster must have been the brush god that never made it into the final cut of Okami.

“…for the Pokemon battles!”

“That’s not playing fair and you know it!”

“…then you’re no good to HARD GAY!”

“Exterminate!”

Toki shows extreme arrogance by calling his Liang “Master” during a Hyper Self Pleasure session.

Ignorance at its finest.

“He’s my lover!”

“Are you here for HARD GAY?”

“Sorry to disappoint, but I’ve gone STRAIGHT!”

“How could you abandon the ways of HARD GAY for mere STRAIGHT?”

“Just go and sleep with your new lover and stop bothering me!”

“Don’t turn to the STRAIGHT side!”

“Toki, you can only sleep with one person at a time.”

“Trying to sleep with everyone you meet will only end in tragedy.”

“I’m sorry- I just can’t seem to satisfy my raging libido!”

“Those days are over now that we’ve conceived the child you always wanted!”

“I won’t have you skipping out and leaving me to raise it all alone!”

Dragons’ Den

Welcome to our regular feature based on the TV program of the same name, in which anime characters try to market their great idea to five fat cats of anime! President Aria made his fortune in the gondola industry of Neo Venezia, and is now CEO of a well-known company. Mikoto started her business in the capital of Wind Bloom, and is now a trusted advisor to the queen, with business partners scattered across the world. The Admiral’s first business venture was to invest in a Chinese restaurant, but a meteor threat to Earth saw her buy shares in ground and space based defence technology, which she currently administers with her protégé “The General” (aka Shogun). Mr Tibbs started his career as a tea cat for the bank, but his sound grasp of finance saw him rise up the ranks until he became one of their most prominent managers. Finally, The Cardinal is the world’s most powerful fat cat, with a wide range of business interests that ensure that he has a paw in every pie (often literally, depending on his appetite). These five cats represent some heavyweight investment clout in every sense of the word, but is any deal attractive enough to get them to roll off their backsides and shake paws with a budding entrepreneur?

Arriving in the Den this week is Mai-Otome’s John Smith, who is hoping that his range of Otome GEMs will whet the appetites of our feline investors. Mikoto already has previous experience in this field, but will he be able to catch her eye?

Smith: Hello Dragons, my name is John Smith and I’m here to represent Otome GEMs Limited. As I’m sure you know, the jewellery market is one that continues to thrive, and we’re here to introduce a brand new range to the discerning consumer. From our generic Coral and Pearl ranges to custom high-end pieces, each Gem can be set into an earring or ring, enabling the use of special powers!

Mikoto: Been there, done that- this isn’t a profitable business, so I’m out.

Mr Tibbs: I’m actually interested, but tell me, say I wanted to buy more than one Blue Sky Sapphire, for example- would that be at all possible?

Smith: So far we’ve only been able to source one pair of each type.

Admiral: How are you manufacturing these?

Smith: Uh, we just find them.

Admiral: So you’re just a reseller then? What’s to stop me finding some GEMs and selling them myself?

Smith: Well, nothing really- but we do have an exclusive product line of in-house Slave GEMs that can be worn as pendants! They even let you control giant monsters.

Mikoto: Why don’t you tell the other Dragons how you turn into green sparkles if your monster is defeated?

Smith: …

It’s a shocking revelation, and one that has certainly soured the mood in the Den. Will any Dragon want to invest after this?

Aria: Punyu! [I think this is a ridiculous idea that won’t generate any profit, and that’s why I’m out.]

Cardinal: To be honest, in the right hands the product could have potential, but your lazy approach to production means that you’ll run your company into the ground within months. I’d invest in the product, but not in you- and that’s why I’m out.

John Smith’s dreams of marketing Otome GEMs lie in tatters! Can anyone impress our jaded investors?

This Week in Anime

“Those apples may be more dangerous than they appear.”

“Oh no, they’re floating away and I’m powerless to stop it!”

“Captured- and tasted.”

“Hyper Self Pleasure in the sea is such a great feeling!”

“Our home was infested by apples.”

A trio of food critics decides to prepare dinner.

Unfortunately, there is some disagreement over preparation.

Aagh, a mechanical tomato! What has become of the world?

“He’s only interested in Liangs on his level.”

“We desperately need HARD GAY!”

“Given the size of your Ezo, I’ll won’t get my hopes up.”

“Alert! Alert! Rival detected!”

“Gwakakaka!”

In golem competitions, it’s important to get your priorities straight.

“Swords are there to be used.”

“They really know how to do breast enlargements!”

“They fill me with dread! I can’t be in the same room as pies and cakes!”

Flash game review: Clay Kitten Shooting

We’ve all heard of clay pigeon shooting, but fewer of us have indulged in Clay Kitten Shooting; a cruel-sounding yet oddly amusing game in which one must shoot cartoon kittens as they fly across the screen. With a limited amount of shots and each level demanding more accuracy, the game is quick to become hard but highly addictive at the same time.

Harem of the week: Nozomu Futami (Futakoi)

Not content with just adding single girls to his harem, Futami specialised in attracting twins.

Harem

Kaoruko and Sumireko: The childhood friends with secret feelings for Nozomu.

Kira and Yura: The clueless rich girls who must slowly learn about normal life.

Rara and Ruru: The lolis with an open claim on Nozomu as their future husband.

Ui and Koi: The gentle animal lovers.

Ai and Mai: The seductive older women.

Sara and Sojyu: The sick girl and the tsundere.

Welcome to our regular feature based on the TV program of the same name, in which anime characters try to market their great idea to five fat cats of anime! President Aria made his fortune in the gondola industry of Neo Venezia, and is now CEO of a well-known company. Mikoto started her business in the capital of Wind Bloom, and is now a trusted advisor to the queen, with business partners scattered across the world. The Admiral’s first business venture was to invest in a Chinese restaurant, but a meteor threat to Earth saw her buy shares in ground and space based defence technology, which she currently administers with her protégé “The General” (aka Shogun). Mr Tibbs started his career as a tea cat for the bank, but his sound grasp of finance saw him rise up the ranks until he became one of their most prominent managers. Finally, The Cardinal is the world’s most powerful fat cat, with a wide range of business interests that ensure that he has a paw in every pie (often literally, depending on his appetite). These five cats represent some heavyweight investment clout in every sense of the word, but is any deal attractive enough to get them to roll off their backsides and shake paws with a budding entrepreneur?

Braving the Den this week is John, a chef with a rather unique line of recipes to sell.

John: Hello Dragons. I’m generic chef John and I have come up with a new food line that is bound to outsell anything on the market so far! I call it the Chocolate Underground Collection!

Aria: Punyu! [Sounds great- is it a new line of rich chocolate confectionary?]

John: Uh, no- it’s actually a line of health foods based on the restrictions from Chocolate Underground. Since chocolate, vanilla, honey and pretty much every flavouring is forbidden, I’m come with a unique line of bland mushes that should satisfy every palate.

Mr Tibbs: Surely it’s possible to make tasty health foods? What about mixed fruit packs?

John: Hmm, I hadn’t considered that- but here, try this bran mush before you start complaining.

The Dragons reluctantly try John’s bran mush, but none of them seem impressed by its lack of flavour.

Mikoto: I’m not impressed by the complete lack of flavour. I don’t see this selling anywhere, and that’s why I’m out.

Aria: Punyu! [Agreed- I’m out too.]

Admiral: I made my fortune from Chinese restaurants, so I doubt there’s anyone here who knows more about food than I do- and I can tell you that you need to go back to the drawing board with this one.

Mr Tibbs: Forget the drawing board- take it straight to the bin.

Cardinal: Selling health foods to fat cats was a mistake from the start. I think I speak for all of us when I wish you a speedy farewell.

John has crashed out of the Den in flames! Will the next entrepreneur fare any better?

This Week in Anime

You can’t have a viridian cocktail without a slice of lemon.

Team A has chosen to prepare outdoor baked fish the traditional way, but impatient cooks must beware not to undercook it.

Meanwhile, Team B is preparing Unspecified Floating Brown Object Stew using a wood oven.

Members of the Orange Society have a secret meeting.

Lina tires of the prevalence of fruit in anime.

Hands up who’s thinking of that scene in Harry Potter where Sirius talks through the fireplace.

After seeing its compatriot hanged, this poor banana is about to spend its life in captivity.

If in doubt, there’s always the Harvest Moon way of life.

Don’t even ask what’s going on here.

But which is better- melons or bananas? There’s only one way to find out- FIGHT!

Melons emerge as the winner of this impromptu battle.

Why choose between different fruits when you can have them all?

Disillusioned with all the outdoor foods that are being cooked above, our critics opt for a gourmet night out instead- complete with Strawberries of Doom.

A rubber duck encourages Momoko to suggest bath HARD YURI.

“I am the destined guardian of these apples.”

“Boy, you’re wasting your life- join the orange side!”

“But beware- this is what happens to anyone who tries to leave our exclusive club.”

Anime World Tour: Toshokan Sensou

Welcome to a world where censorship protects you from all the evils that lurk in books! Never worry again that your children are indulging in unsuitable reading- everything here is safe and sanitised! We have committees working day and night to keep everything pure and acceptable to your eyes, so relax and let us take care of it! And don’t worry about those libraries- they’re just there so we can keep all the filth isolated in one place!

Harem of the week: Ukiya Shun (Gatekeepers)

As a main character with special powers, it was no wonder that Ukiya could gather women around him, but would romance take a backseat to saving the world from generic invaders?

Harem

Ruriko: The childhood friend and main girl, this tsundere hides her feelings under a veneer of anger that Ukiya remembers her as “snot-nosed Rurippe”.

Reiko: The none-too-bright rich girl.

Kaoru: The main rival, a forward girl with amazing athletic prowess.

Fei: The genius loli from China.

Yukino: The quiet and mysterious girl whose connection to the team is the only way to escape her isolated existence.

Kurogane: The smart-aleck meganekko.

]]> http://azureflame.dasaku.net/2008/08/05/tuesday-rumble-august-5th/feed/ 3 http://azureflame.dasaku.net/2008/07/29/tuesday-rumble-july-29th/ http://azureflame.dasaku.net/2008/07/29/tuesday-rumble-july-29th/#comments Tue, 29 Jul 2008 19:54:23 +0000 Karura http://azureflame.dasaku.net/?p=3278

Dragons’ Den

Welcome to our regular feature based on the TV program of the same name, in which anime characters try to market their great idea to five fat cats of anime! President Aria made his fortune in the gondola industry of Neo Venezia, and is now CEO of a well-known company. Mikoto started her business in the capital of Wind Bloom, and is now a trusted advisor to the queen, with business partners scattered across the world. The Admiral’s first business venture was to invest in a Chinese restaurant, but a meteor threat to Earth saw her buy shares in ground and space based defence technology, which she currently administers with her protégé “The General” (aka Shogun). Mr Tibbs started his career as a tea cat for the bank, but his sound grasp of finance saw him rise up the ranks until he became one of their most prominent managers. Finally, The Cardinal is the world’s most powerful fat cat, with a wide range of business interests that ensure that he has a paw in every pie (often literally, depending on his appetite). These five cats represent some heavyweight investment clout in every sense of the word, but is any deal attractive enough to get them to roll off their backsides and shake paws with a budding entrepreneur?

The latest entrant to the Den is the mysterious Tailor, who has come to market a rather unique line of clothing.

Tailor: Hello, my name is Tailor and I represent the interests of the company who supplies Ikki Tousen, Sekirei and related series with clothing. I’m here to ask for investment in our special line of ‘easy-rip’ clothing. Easy rip clothes tear off at the drop of a hat, leaving the wearer clad in only their underwear.

The Admiral: We’re cats- why would we be interested in clothes?

Aria: Punyu! [Well, actually I’m a collector of hats and accessories, but I prefer ones that are durable enough for a hard day’s work in Neo Venezia.]

Mikoto: Likewise, I prefer outfits that can stand up to all the rolling around and eating I do in the course of a normal day.

Tailor: But trust me- once you try these clothes, you’ll never want to go back!

Mikoto: Sorry, but I’m not convinced, and that’s why I’m out.

Aria: Punyu! [I’m out as well].

Mr Tibbs: I’m actually rather interested to learn why the underwear doesn’t rip as well.

Tailor: Well, in order to keep within broadcast regulations, we have to make the underwear out of a super-durable fabric.

Mr Tibbs: Interesting. Now, if I’m right, don’t your paper-thin clothes mean that the customer has to keep buying replacements?

Tailor: Yes, that’s just it!

Mr Tibbs: Well, in that case I can see massive profit potential in this venture, and I would like to make you an offer.

Tailor: Really? Well, in that case, I’d love to accept your offer.

Having impressed the hard to impress Mr Tibbs, Tailor has secured the first offer from the Dragons in while. Let’s hope he puts that investment to good use for the future of crappy fanservice series.

Blade of the Immortal

Bee Train really like their red moons, don’t they?

“Today’s talking point: murder- right or wrong? Phone in with your views!”

“Why did you have to make me HARD GAY?”

“You think you’ve got problems, but I’m a woman with a Liang!”

“But I thought we were having HARD GAY!”

I thought this was a metaphor at first until I realised it was the real deal.

“I’m not in the mood for HARD GAY right now.”

“Not in the mood?”

“Too bad, because you’re going to be having it anyway!”

“Twelve? No man could have that many Liangs!”

“Oh well, even twelve Liangs will be satisfied by twenty men.”

“I can promise that all of you will die of sexual exhaustion after just one night with me!”

This Week in Anime

“Must reach…giant fruit so I can present it on…Tuesday Rumble…”

There’s just too much wrong with this page…

But what about narrative convention? Is it meaningless now?

“But which is better- pink dango, or brown dango? There’s only one way to find out- FIGHT!”

“Oh, sorry, I thought you said your arse was perfect!”

No they aren’t- they’re here to laugh when you fail.

“Any man will do, as long as he has the stamina to go a few rounds in the bedroom.”

New Wang reveals their new built-in lighting add-on.

Angry mothers decide to show men just what it’s like to give birth.

“Gwakakaka!”

Aagh, rubber duck!

These bananas were clearly found guilty of some terrible wrongdoing.

“Which is we why now say Liang and two buns.”

Dancing apple is caught on camera.

“

Serge will be publishing his own villain’s handbook- “The Seven I’s”- this autumn.

Ah, so that’s the new excuse for looking at adult magazines.

HARD YURI in action.

Flash Game Review: Crimson Room

If you like puzzles, escaping locked rooms and endless clicking, then the Crimson Room is for you! A game that requires observation and brainpower in order to ever get out, the Crimson Room is both addictive and frustrating, and once you complete it, the even harder Viridian Room awaits!

Harem of the week: Issun (Okami)

Diminutive he may be, but tiny artist Issun knew how to chat up the ladies- even if it didn’t seem to result in much actual success.

Harem

Sakuya: A tree spirit whose revealing clothing makes her an instant hit with Issun.

Rao: A priestess and ‘busty babe’ whose assets attract Issun’s attention.

Kaguya: The bamboo princess from the moon- Issun and Amaterasu rescue her from the royal palace.

Fuse: Gentle and kind leader of the Canine Warriors, although they don’t always listen to her.

Himiko: Queen of Sei-An city.

Otohime: Leader of the underwater people.

Kai: A Wep’keer girl who can transform into a dog.

Lika: A young girl with the power to make the northern volcano erupt.

2-H enters the classroom, only to see that the whole place is lit by candles- Sensei is in the shadows.

Chiri: Sensei, what’s going on?

Chiri switches the light on, causing Sensei to rise up and scream.

Sensei: You mustn’t!

Maria: Sensei’s a vampire!

(Meru: Idiot.)

Sensei: Turn that light off! Class, today we must spend the entire day without relying on electricity once! Therefore, IT class is cancelled- we’ll watch an educational movie instead!

Chiri: But to watch the movie we’ll need a TV and DVD player.

Sensei: Zetsubou shita! The culture that relies so much on electricity has left me in despair!

• Can’t use TV, games consoles or computers, among other things.
• Even battery-powered laptops, mobiles and handheld gaming devices will need recharging.
• Forgotten how to cook without oven, hob and microwave.
• Water can only be boiled over a fire.
• DVDs trapped in the player until power returns.
• No lighting at night.

Amatsuki 8

“I may be huge, but this DOG will be Pleasurable.”

Hmm, does that still work these days?

“On top, maybe, but I won’t be your bitch.”

“I desire it that much!”

Amatsuki 9

Toki catches the eye of a potential HARD GAY partner.

“…already skilled in the ways of HARD GAY?”

“Why, when I was young, I barely knew of such things! How times change…”

“It’s just that you’re so damned good-looking!”

“Strip naked and prepared to be spanked!”

“Are you off to the blue light district again?”

“How many times do I have to tell you not to sleep around?”

They aren’t? My education has been sorely lacking.

The most common problem of FOX is highlighted.

Dragons’ Den

Welcome to our regular feature based on the TV program of the same name, in which anime characters try to market their great idea to five fat cats of anime! President Aria made his fortune in the gondola industry of Neo Venezia, and is now CEO of a well-known company. Mikoto started her business in the capital of Wind Bloom, and is now a trusted advisor to the queen, with business partners scattered across the world. The Admiral’s first business venture was to invest in a Chinese restaurant, but a meteor threat to Earth saw her buy shares in ground and space based defence technology, which she currently administers with her protégé “The General” (aka Shogun). Mr Tibbs started his career as a tea cat for the bank, but his sound grasp of finance saw him rise up the ranks until he became one of their most prominent managers. Finally, The Cardinal is the world’s most powerful fat cat, with a wide range of business interests that ensure that he has a paw in every pie (often literally, depending on his appetite). These five cats represent some heavyweight investment clout in every sense of the word, but is any deal attractive enough to get them to roll off their backsides and shake paws with a budding entrepreneur?

This week in the Den we have Haru and Kurama, who are here to pitch a revolutionary new form of the internet known as “The Metal”. Will the Dragons jump at the chance to be at the forefront of this technological revolution?

Kurama: Hello everyone, I’m Kurama, this is Haru, and we’re here today to pitch for investment in a brand new technological development called the Meta-Real, or Metal for short. Basically, what it allows you to do is dive into a virtual reality tailored to your choice.

Cardinal: Been there, done that.

Kurama: Ah, but this is different. Allow me to play a short video.

Kurama shows a video of the ocean-like nature of the Metal.

Aria: Punyu? [Why does it look like an ocean?]

Kurama: Well, uh, no one knows, really. But dogs have their own Metal, so presumably fat cats could too.

Mikoto: We are not fat!

Admiral: I have to admit that swimming around in a virtual ocean seems a bit too much like hard work to me- I’m out.

Kurama: But the possibilities are endless, like wish fulfilment, virtual sex and er, multiple orgasms.

Aria: Punyu! [There’s no way I can attach my name to such a seedy practice- I’m out.]

Mr Tibbs: Tell me, what sort of equipment do you need to connect to the Metal?

Kurama: Well, like Haru here, you can get yourself a cyberbrain- or you can use a special diving bell type apparatus.

Mr Tibbs: Could you tell me a little more about these cyberbrains? Would they let me log onto the bank directly?

Kurama: Yes, but you’d run the risk of having your brain hacked or your spare CPU cycles put to use by unscrupulous companies.

Mr Tibbs: Well, I have to admit that I’m unwilling to invest until those security risks are worked out, so I’m out.

Cardinal: I must admit that while I’m interested in virtual realities in general, this one does seem a little convoluted for my tastes. I understand that you were trying to be different, but I think it’s backfired- when I go online I want to relax, not literally go diving.

It seems as if the Metal isn’t a big hit in the Den- the Dragons have seen better virtual realities already. Kurama and Haru will have to leave emptyhanded.

Anime Big Brother

Maki settles into his room in the Big Brother house.

Aoki: Hey, Maki, did you bring your women’s clothes? I was hoping we could have a little dress up session later.

Maki: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Aoki: Yes you do, don’t you remember?

Maki: Shut up, Aoki!

Meanwhile, in the living room…

Allison: I love you, Wil!

Wil: Eh? Oh, that’s nice. Do you like my sweater?

Kuu-chan: Is dinner ready yet? I’m starving.

Lawrence: I’ll sell you these apples for three Thoreni silver coins.

Horo: Get away from those apples! They’re mine!

Doumeki: Watanuki, everyone’s getting hungry.

Watanuki: And I suppose you’re going to say it’s my turn to cook again? Honestly, I don’t know why I put up with this.

Doumeki: Don’t forget your apron.

Watanuki: Thanks- hey, wait a minute!

This Week in Anime

See what happens to oranges stored in the fridge.

Aagh, tangerines are taking over her brain!

Natsume Yuujinchou supports peaches!

Beyblade spotted on Wagaya no Oinari-sama.

Could this be the fruit invasion that we’ve dreaded for so long?

Agreed- that’s not suspicious at all.

Nice boat!

Tsubasa Chronicle, soon to be renamed Apple Chronicle.

Men, be sure to name your ‘weapon’ for a better Gun experience.

“You’ll use your right hand for the actual Hyper Self Pleasure.”

“This Hyper Self Pleasure isn’t working!”

Liang or Ezo, they all come under the same heading in the end.

“You’d think she’d have given up by now.”

I hate logos, images, icons and avatars! Put an end to them all!

“It’s not like we have time for full Pleasure right now.”

Pinocchio admits he’s more comfortable in the HARD GAY scene.

Anime World Tour: Chocolate Underground

Welcome to a world where voter apathy has caused the super healthy to take power! Don’t worry about sweets- chocolate, vanilla, honey and various other confections are banned, ensuring that all you’ll have to eat is a tasteless mush! You can also enjoy daily adverts and health bulletins, all of which are compulsory to ensure that you don’t accidentally miss them and regret it later! And don’t worry about rumours of secret underground facilities where they force you to eat hideous chocolate- the police are already seeking them out to make your world a safer and more tasteless place.

Reverse Harem of the week: Ange (Koi Suru Tenshi Angelique)

Other heroines may have had to make do with seven or eight bishounen, but Ange netted no fewer than nine protectors in her plot-free adventure.

Harem

Marcel: Obligatory blonde shota.

Olivie: Cross-dresser with a taste in Victorian-style fashions and bi-coloured hair.

Randy: Hot-headed, honest and open type.

Zephel: ‘Cool’ punk warrior type, becomes angered when he realises he doesn’t have a destined HARD GAY partner.

Luva: Quiet book lover; spends his days researching HARD GAY in the library.

Clavis: Calm and collected type with a semi-tragic past.

Oscar: Knight type with a fondness for HORSE.

Lumiel: Musician with HARD GAY ties to Clavis.

Julius: Blonde princely type.

Arios: Not a destined bishounen, but a wandering swordsman who randomly turns up later in the series.

Allison and Lillia’s handbook for life

Do you have difficulty in social situations? Do you just not know what to do when put on the spot? Luckily, Allison and Wil have put together a convenient handbook that will sit snugly on your bookshelf right next to “How to Win Friends and Influence People”.

• When old men tell tall tales, don’t hesitate to believe them. Who knows, their wild stories of war-ending treasures might just be true, and if not, at least you got a nice cup of tea for your efforts.
• When suspicious old ladies offer you a cup of tea, drink it without reservation. Even if she locks you in her cellar, it shouldn’t be too hard to get out.
• When dictators attack, don’t leave it to the highly trained security guards. Remember, he’ll invariably flee for the roof of the nearest building, and then you can just blow him off with the wake from your plane.
• When mysterious majors order you to attack military trains and tanks, just go along without question. Remember, tanks are super-fast vehicles with a low rate of fire, whilst armoured trains are no match for a standard service revolver.

Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei: the lost chapters

Sensei takes his class to the canteen.

Chiri: Sensei, why are we here? It’s not lunchtime yet!

Sensei: Class, today we’re having a special lesson on how to eat difficult foods! We’ll start with spaghetti.

Sensei tries to eat some spaghetti, but it goes wrong.

Kafka: Don’t worry, Sensei- if you can’t twirl it, just cut it up.

Sensei: But that’s not acceptable in polite company! Zetsubou shita! These hard to eat foods have left me in despair!

• Precariously arranged restaurant dishes where you don’t know where to start.
• Meat that can’t be cut because the knife is too blunt.
• Unsliced bread that requires a steady hand to make a perfect slice.
• Cream puffs that leak out as you bite into them.
• Seafood and shellfish that defies access.
• Working inwards with the cutlery, only to realise it’s been mixed up to catch you out.
• Trying to spoon food on your plate and getting one bean at a time.

Shion no Ou 21

“I don’t have time for Pleasure right now!”

“…when we will have a Pleasure extravaganza!”

“I’m just going to have Hyper Self Pleasure tonight.”

“I don’t want them to catch me at it.”

“If I decide to have full Pleasure, I’ll let you know.”

“I think he did it because he was a transvestite, but everyone’s entitled to their own opinion.”

“I admit it- I practised with Hyper Self Pleasure!”

Kurenai 12

Yayoi contemplates trying a new HARD YURI technique.

“Eh? You want to get adventurous?”

“I may not be able to control it.”

“Don’t worry, I’m ready.”

“Then let me show you the heights of Pleasure!”

This Week in Anime

Thanks to loli_slayer for sending in the last two images.

Zetsubou shita! These notes have left me in despair!

Zetsubou shita! Marco’s face has left me in despair!

But which is better- small orange fruit or large green fruit? There’s only one way to find out….FIGHT!

It seems that small orange fruit has won, against all the odds.

Wide angle shots return!

From now on, Tuesday Rumble will be spotting rubber ducks as well.

World’s most athletic fat cat spotted.

“Ballroom, latin or freestyle?”

“…a Zhuge Liang?”

It was love at first sight…

…but would their relationship last?

Classic PC Games: Raptor- Call of the Shadows

Take on the role of a mercenary and battle against the forces of an evil organisation in this top scrolling shooter from 1995. With nine levels in the shareware version and additional regions to unlock in the full version, Raptor throws wave upon wave of enemies at you, from the straightforward to the fiendishly complicated. Fortunately, the more money you earn, the more you can upgrade your ship with shields and killer weapons- and if you can’t get enough first time around, then you’ll be sent back to the beginning with your bank balance intact to start saving up for the next purchase. Overall, it’s good fun, and even though it can get repetitive whilst trying to save up, it also proves addictive in brief bursts.

Harem of the week: Hino Kahoko (La Corda d’Oro)

With her magical violin, she set out to win a music competition despite having no previous experience, but along the way she would meet her fair share of musically inclined bishounen.

Harem

Tsuchiura: A good friend from the ‘normal’ section of the school, he gave up the piano and focused on soccer until the plot dictated otherwise.

Tsukimori: The cold-hearted overachiever who also studies the violin- can Kahoko melt him even a little?

Yunoki: The most popular bishounen in the school- talented, relaxed and universally adored.

Hihara: The easygoing senpai who’s a little rough around the edges.

Shimizu: The sleepy and often detached blonde-haired ‘shota’.