Class has begun, but Sensei is nowhere to be seen, and in his place is a crudely made replica.

Chiri: What is this?

Kaede: I can’t be taught by a fake! I’ll sue!

[Meru: What a stupid reproduction.]

Sensei appears from nowhere!

Sensei: This is the new, automated Sensei! In an age where humans are alowly being replaced by robots, we must move with the times!

Chiri pokes at the reproduction with a stick and the head falls off.

Sensei: Zetsubou shita! This world of callous automation has left me in despair!

• Automated phone systems- press one to advance.
• Self-service checkouts.
• The possibility that many TV celebrities are just androids.
• New robot that can perform surgery.
• Computers secretly gaining sentience.
• Movies about robotic rebellions.

Shion no Ou 22

Apart from the obvious Pleasure jokes, he’s complaining about injuring his hand whilst murdering Shion’s parents- obviously she should appreciate the trouble he went through.

“Pleasure! I must have more Pleasure!”

“It’s like a drug to me!”

“I want to be a part of this orgy!”

“There’s no point in holding back and not getting satisfaction.”

“Pleasure is as much about your partner as yourself.”

Dragons’ Den

Welcome to our regular feature based on the TV program of the same name, in which anime characters try to market their great idea to five fat cats of anime! President Aria made his fortune in the gondola industry of Neo Venezia, and is now CEO of a well-known company. Mikoto started her business in the capital of Wind Bloom, and is now a trusted advisor to the queen, with business partners scattered across the world. Nyanko-sensei is a contract expert who made his fortune in the supernatural business, and whose sharp observations and ruthless manner make him a formidable businessman. Mr Tibbs started his career as a tea cat for the bank, but his sound grasp of finance saw him rise up the ranks until he became one of their most prominent managers. Finally, The Cardinal is the world’s most powerful fat cat, with a wide range of business interests that ensure that he has a paw in every pie (often literally, depending on his appetite). These five cats represent some heavyweight investment clout in every sense of the word, but is any deal attractive enough to get them to roll off their backsides and shake paws with a budding entrepreneur?

Entering the Den this week is Keiichirou Tachibana, who is looking for investment in his Antique Bakery business, offering a unique mixture of delicious cakes and HARD GAY. Is the way to a Dragon’s heart through their stomach?

Tachibana: Hello, my name is Tachibana, and I’m the proprietor of Antique, a bakery offering cakes crafted by an expert Paris-trained patissier.

Mikoto: I won’t deny that we all like a good cake, but what sets your bakery apart from the thousands of others in the world?

Tachibana: Simple- no other bakery is as HARD GAY as mine.

Aria: Punyu. [That doesn’t sound like much of a selling point to me.]

Tachibana: I assure you that we appeal to the ladies too.

Tachibana puts on his best smile, but can the hard hearts of the Dragons possibly be softened?

Mikoto: Not only do you not appeal in the slightest, but as a royal cat, I can have my food delivered. What would make me want to order from your company?

Tachibana: Here, taste this.

The Dragons are offered a selection of cakes, which quickly vanish into their stomachs.

Cardinal: Hmm, not bad.

Nyanko-sensei: It’s a bit sweet for me- do you have any savoury dishes?

Tachibana: We’re about to launch our new savoury range in the New Year.

Cardinal: To be honest, the idea of investing in a bakery is interesting, but this is too HARD GAY for my image, so I’m out.

Aria: Punyu! [We already have many good cake shops in Neo Venezia, so I don’t think there’s room in the market for this.]

Mr Tibbs: Are you planning to go down the franchise route when it comes to opening more bakeries?

Tachibana: I hadn’t really thought that far ahead.

Mr Tibbs: Wait a minute- you’ve come here to ask for money from us and you don’t even have a proper business plan!? I’m disgusted, and I’m out.

Tachibana has failed to impress the Dragons, and three are out already. Will either the sceptical Mikoto or new Dragon Nyanko-sensei bite?

Mikoto: Yours is a small business, and with any luck, it will stay small- which is why I’m out.

Tachibana: Nyanko-sensei?

Nyanko-sensei: Tell me a bit about yourself- how did you get to this point?

Tachibana: Well, to be honest, I don’t like sweet things, but many years ago I was kidnapped by a man who force fed me cake. Thanks to that experience, I quit my job in the City and opened a bakery.

Nyanko-sensei: You don’t even like cakes?

Tachibana: Uh, no, not really.

Nyanko-sensei: Well, I can’t invest in someone who doesn’t believe in his own product, and that’s why I’m out.

Tachibana has lost all the Dragons, and must leave the Den with nothing. Without a sound business, even the sweetest cake won’t go down a treat with these investors.

This Week in Anime

Kazuki loses his nerve when confronted by yet another bowl of strawberries (okay, it’s the same bowl as last week).

“We are the strawberries…of DOOM!”

“Take that, strawberries of DOOM!”

During Hyper Self Pleasure, one man hasn’t grasped that you usually call out “Yes!”

Pineapple and cherry meet in a strange blue cocktail.

“His name was…Superman!”

No strawberry shall escape divine justice!

An evil rubber duck is capsized.

Zetsubou shita!

These oranges have no idea what lies in store for them.

“I can’t help it- I hate the smug looks on their faces!”

Just stop torturing those innocent oranges!

Flash Game Review: Monkey Puzzle

A game I discovered some ten years ago on the now defunct Games Domain, Monkey Puzzle is based on the typical “connect three of the same colour” game class. As the water rises, your only hope of escape is to launch different coloured coconuts into the air in an attempt to bring down the monkeys that block your path. Although the pattern of each level is identical, precise skill and timing is increasingly required as you progress in the game, and by level ten or eleven, the water is rising continuously- so woe betide anyone who makes even the tiniest of mistakes!

Harem of the week: Shinkurou Kurenai (Kurenai)

A high school student with a dangerous part-time job, Shinkurou was thrown in at the deep end when he had to become bodyguard for Murasaki, the escaped daughter of the Kuhouin family.

Harem

Murasaki: The main girl and obligatory loli. The series just about manages to make the relationship between them seem sweet rather than inappropriate.

Tamaki: Flatmate and outgoing university student with a reputation as a man-eater. Her bold personality hides deep seated insecurities.

Yamie: Goth girl who only dresses in black.

Benika: Older woman, mentor and teacher to Shinkurou.

Yayoi: Benika’s deputy, she watches over Shinkurou and Murasaki from the shadows.

Ginko: Schoolmate with a love of computers and an ability to nose out any scrap of information.

Yuno: Schoolmate and sparring partner; helps Shinkurou to train and strengthen himself.

Anime Olympics

With the real Olympics having just finished, it’s time for our favourite anime characters to step up to the plate and have a go at their own unique set of events. Highlight include-

• Trap Race: how fast can you dress as a member of the opposite sex?
• Harem relay: harem members race around the track in an attempt to get the object of their desire.
• Fat cat rollathon: fat cats roll towards their food bowls.
• Metal Diving: contestants must swim through Real Drive’s virtual reality.
• Mobile Suit race: how quickly can one Gundam pilot destroy generic mobile suits?
• Strip Fighting: high school girls battle in an attempt to see who can end up in their bra and panties the fastest.
• Swimsuit competition: obligatory.
• Special Attack Contest: who can shout the name of their attack the fastest? Who has the most ridiculous special move?

Seen any other events at the Anime Olympics? Be sure to tell us all about them!

Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei: the lost chapters

Sensei enters the classroom, more depressed than ever.

Kafka: Sensei, what’s wrong?

Sensei: I went to see my favourite actor last night!

Kafka: Isn’t that a good thing? Getting to meet your hero in the flesh!

Sensei: No- he was old!

Chiri: Meeting your heroes is always a disappointment.

Sensei: It’s not just that- he was past his prime!

Sensei gets out a noose.

Matoi: No, Sensei, don’t die without me!

Sensei: This isn’t for me! This is to kill off all actors before they get old and start losing their looks and talent! Zetsubou shita! This world where things continue past their best has left me in despair!

• Celebrities who become old and ugly.
• TV and book series that go on for so long that even their greatest fans don’t like them anymore.
• Favourite items that become old and unusable.
• Relatives who become too old and feeble to be useful.
• Old money that isn’t legal tender anymore.

Amtsuki 13

A mountain giving birth to a fox? Even I’m not that twisted.

“He was a real Countdown addict- he just couldn’t help it!”

“They specify the type of Pleasure that they want.”

Really?

“I am God! Monty Python style!”

“Now, are you an old man with a beard?”

Oh no, someone’s cracked the camera!

Ginshu has Pleasure with some giant Buddha statues from Gantz.

“Wait- are these leftover butterflies from the ending of Iroha?”

Now the world is falling apart!

Dragons’ Den

Welcome to our regular feature based on the TV program of the same name, in which anime characters try to market their great idea to five fat cats of anime! President Aria made his fortune in the gondola industry of Neo Venezia, and is now CEO of a well-known company. Mikoto started her business in the capital of Wind Bloom, and is now a trusted advisor to the queen, with business partners scattered across the world. The Admiral’s first business venture was to invest in a Chinese restaurant, but a meteor threat to Earth saw her buy shares in ground and space based defence technology, which she currently administers with her protégé “The General” (aka Shogun). Mr Tibbs started his career as a tea cat for the bank, but his sound grasp of finance saw him rise up the ranks until he became one of their most prominent managers. Finally, The Cardinal is the world’s most powerful fat cat, with a wide range of business interests that ensure that he has a paw in every pie (often literally, depending on his appetite). These five cats represent some heavyweight investment clout in every sense of the word, but is any deal attractive enough to get them to roll off their backsides and shake paws with a budding entrepreneur?

Hello and welcome to a special behind the scenes edition of Dragons’ Den. Following the first season of this fat cat rip-off of a popular BBC programme, we’ve decided to keep things fresh by introducing a new Dragon to the team! Whilst The Admiral departs for the world of book deals, speaking tours and cheap publicity, she will be replaced in the Den by Nyanko-sensei, who, whilst technically not a fat cat, looks enough like one to be let in. Nyanko-sensei is a contract expert who made his fortune in the supernatural business, and whose sharp observations and ruthless manner make him a formidable businessman. Expect to see Nyanko-sensei debut in the Den next week!

This Week in Anime

Don’t eat it- strawberries only lead to trouble!

Note the basket of fruit in the background- only a seasoned pro would spot those.

HORSE- coming indoors for your convenience.

Nonetheless, the dedicated HORSEman stills prefers to have it outside whilst stark naked.

Get those shiny strawberries away from me!

Hidamari Sketch’s rubber duck content mysteriously doubles.

“Should we really eat these strawberries of doom?”

In the world of live-action, lemons prove to be troublesome in The Scorpion King 2: Crappy Sequels Make Us Money.

Even Yoshinoya-sensei is getting in on the lemon act.

“You know they’re dangerous!”

“Aagh, reality is being warped by strawberries!”

This man is desperate to impress the food critics.

Strawberries of doom…

…followed by pizza (Hut)!

This is not a combination to be taken lightly, you fool!

What a cruel fate for a noble apple.

Flash Game Review: Chicken and Egg

I was actually looking for a different game where you have to breed chickens whilst making sure you don’t put two cocks together lest disaster occurs (if anyone knows the game I’m talking about, please link to it), but my top search result was Chicken and Egg. The object of the game is to move eggs of the same colour next to each other so that they will hatch, but naturally there are all sorts of obstacles and only a limited number of clicks per level. Although not as hard overall as other games of this type, Chicken and Egg is still a fun mix of brains and timing that will pass a few minutes now and then.

Harem of the week: Rentarou (Futakoi Alternative)

In a world with the same twins but a whole different setting to the original, Rentarou ‘Nidame’ balanced running his detective agency and fighting giant squid with meeting beautiful twins.

Sara and Sojyu: The main girls and Rentarou’s assistants- he may not know much about their past or their home life, but he knows that the three of them belong together.

Kira and Yura: Daughters of a local yakuza boss, they masquerade as “Gothloli Mask”, a crime fighting duet.

Rara and Ruru: Juvenile secret agents with some explosive moves.

Ai and Mai: The seductive older women.

Kaoruko and Sumireko

Ui and Koi

Book Promotion Special

Here at Azure Flame we like to keep you up to date with the latest developments in the anime world- everything from the Spice and Wolf trading game to the acclaimed crossover series “Mewsou Renkin”. Today, however, we’re here to advertise a new set of self-help books, written by some of the finest names in anime!

From Friendship to Marriage: A Guide to Relationships by Irie Naoki

Everyone’s favourite husband, Irie Naoki, takes us through relationships with the aid of his extensive personal experience. Learn how to impress the ladies and land that someone special with Naoki’s impeccable advice. Here are some extracts from this bestselling novel.

“Girls don’t appreciate affection, so act as coldly towards them as possible. Use their unrequited feelings for you to manipulate them into believing they’d never love anyone else, and then get married as quickly as possible. Don’t worry about the bonds of matrimony- you can treat wedlock as little more than casual dating.”

Top Class Dad by Oscar ‘Major Stork’ Whittington

The next book to hit the selves this summer is Oscar Whittington’s guide to being the perfect father- a must for all current and prospective dads!

“The best way to foster a relationship with your daughter is to abandon her at an early age and live the life of a cold-blooded murderer. When you are finally reunited with her, a simple birthday gift will be enough to mend any feelings of estrangement or dislike. The truly thoughtful dad will even go so far as to ask the love of her life to leave her for a life of undercover work.”

Love and Marriage: A Modern Perspective by Wil Schultz

A follow-up to Top Class Dad, Love and Marriage delves deeper into the process of raising a family.

“It is important not to casually say ‘I love you’ to your partner; save it for that moment when you get her pregnant and then leave her all alone. Fatherhood is enhanced by distance, so never admit to your child that you’re their parent; instead watch over them from a distance, maintaining a cool, professional relationship at all times.”

Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei: the lost chapters

Sensei enters the classroom at the beginning of another school day. He is looking particularly unkempt.

Chiri: Sensei, what happened?

[Meru: You can’t afford to look any worse than usual.]

Sensei: What’s the point of it all? Even if I bother to clean up, I’ll just get dirty again!

Kafka: So Sensei is just saving energy by not washing! How noble!

Chiri: Uh, I don’t think that’s it…

Maria: In Maria’s home country, we didn’t wash for years!

Matoi: I’ll love you no matter what, Sensei!

Sensei: Zetsubou shita! The society that places so much value on personal care has left me in despair!

• Having to wash when you’ll just get dirty again.
• Constantly needing haircuts because it keeps growing.
• Hair removal, manicures and other potentially painful processes.
• Anti-ageing creams that never work.
• Celebrities paying thousands for dodgy surgical processes.
• Getting dressed up nicely and then having to constantly get changed to do household jobs.

Amatsuki 12

This hamster must have been the brush god that never made it into the final cut of Okami.

“…for the Pokemon battles!”

“That’s not playing fair and you know it!”

“…then you’re no good to HARD GAY!”

“Exterminate!”

Toki shows extreme arrogance by calling his Liang “Master” during a Hyper Self Pleasure session.

Ignorance at its finest.

“He’s my lover!”

“Are you here for HARD GAY?”

“Sorry to disappoint, but I’ve gone STRAIGHT!”

“How could you abandon the ways of HARD GAY for mere STRAIGHT?”

“Just go and sleep with your new lover and stop bothering me!”

“Don’t turn to the STRAIGHT side!”

“Toki, you can only sleep with one person at a time.”

“Trying to sleep with everyone you meet will only end in tragedy.”

“I’m sorry- I just can’t seem to satisfy my raging libido!”

“Those days are over now that we’ve conceived the child you always wanted!”

“I won’t have you skipping out and leaving me to raise it all alone!”

Dragons’ Den

Welcome to our regular feature based on the TV program of the same name, in which anime characters try to market their great idea to five fat cats of anime! President Aria made his fortune in the gondola industry of Neo Venezia, and is now CEO of a well-known company. Mikoto started her business in the capital of Wind Bloom, and is now a trusted advisor to the queen, with business partners scattered across the world. The Admiral’s first business venture was to invest in a Chinese restaurant, but a meteor threat to Earth saw her buy shares in ground and space based defence technology, which she currently administers with her protégé “The General” (aka Shogun). Mr Tibbs started his career as a tea cat for the bank, but his sound grasp of finance saw him rise up the ranks until he became one of their most prominent managers. Finally, The Cardinal is the world’s most powerful fat cat, with a wide range of business interests that ensure that he has a paw in every pie (often literally, depending on his appetite). These five cats represent some heavyweight investment clout in every sense of the word, but is any deal attractive enough to get them to roll off their backsides and shake paws with a budding entrepreneur?

Arriving in the Den this week is Mai-Otome’s John Smith, who is hoping that his range of Otome GEMs will whet the appetites of our feline investors. Mikoto already has previous experience in this field, but will he be able to catch her eye?

Smith: Hello Dragons, my name is John Smith and I’m here to represent Otome GEMs Limited. As I’m sure you know, the jewellery market is one that continues to thrive, and we’re here to introduce a brand new range to the discerning consumer. From our generic Coral and Pearl ranges to custom high-end pieces, each Gem can be set into an earring or ring, enabling the use of special powers!

Mikoto: Been there, done that- this isn’t a profitable business, so I’m out.

Mr Tibbs: I’m actually interested, but tell me, say I wanted to buy more than one Blue Sky Sapphire, for example- would that be at all possible?

Smith: So far we’ve only been able to source one pair of each type.

Admiral: How are you manufacturing these?

Smith: Uh, we just find them.

Admiral: So you’re just a reseller then? What’s to stop me finding some GEMs and selling them myself?

Smith: Well, nothing really- but we do have an exclusive product line of in-house Slave GEMs that can be worn as pendants! They even let you control giant monsters.

Mikoto: Why don’t you tell the other Dragons how you turn into green sparkles if your monster is defeated?

Smith: …

It’s a shocking revelation, and one that has certainly soured the mood in the Den. Will any Dragon want to invest after this?

Aria: Punyu! [I think this is a ridiculous idea that won’t generate any profit, and that’s why I’m out.]

Cardinal: To be honest, in the right hands the product could have potential, but your lazy approach to production means that you’ll run your company into the ground within months. I’d invest in the product, but not in you- and that’s why I’m out.

John Smith’s dreams of marketing Otome GEMs lie in tatters! Can anyone impress our jaded investors?

This Week in Anime

“Those apples may be more dangerous than they appear.”

“Oh no, they’re floating away and I’m powerless to stop it!”

“Captured- and tasted.”

“Hyper Self Pleasure in the sea is such a great feeling!”

“Our home was infested by apples.”

A trio of food critics decides to prepare dinner.

Unfortunately, there is some disagreement over preparation.

Aagh, a mechanical tomato! What has become of the world?

“He’s only interested in Liangs on his level.”

“We desperately need HARD GAY!”

“Given the size of your Ezo, I’ll won’t get my hopes up.”

“Alert! Alert! Rival detected!”

“Gwakakaka!”

In golem competitions, it’s important to get your priorities straight.

“Swords are there to be used.”

“They really know how to do breast enlargements!”

“They fill me with dread! I can’t be in the same room as pies and cakes!”

Flash game review: Clay Kitten Shooting

We’ve all heard of clay pigeon shooting, but fewer of us have indulged in Clay Kitten Shooting; a cruel-sounding yet oddly amusing game in which one must shoot cartoon kittens as they fly across the screen. With a limited amount of shots and each level demanding more accuracy, the game is quick to become hard but highly addictive at the same time.

Harem of the week: Nozomu Futami (Futakoi)

Not content with just adding single girls to his harem, Futami specialised in attracting twins.

Harem

Kaoruko and Sumireko: The childhood friends with secret feelings for Nozomu.

Kira and Yura: The clueless rich girls who must slowly learn about normal life.

Rara and Ruru: The lolis with an open claim on Nozomu as their future husband.

Ui and Koi: The gentle animal lovers.

Ai and Mai: The seductive older women.

Sara and Sojyu: The sick girl and the tsundere.

Dragons’ Den

Welcome to our regular feature based on the TV program of the same name, in which anime characters try to market their great idea to five fat cats of anime! President Aria made his fortune in the gondola industry of Neo Venezia, and is now CEO of a well-known company. Mikoto started her business in the capital of Wind Bloom, and is now a trusted advisor to the queen, with business partners scattered across the world. The Admiral’s first business venture was to invest in a Chinese restaurant, but a meteor threat to Earth saw her buy shares in ground and space based defence technology, which she currently administers with her protégé “The General” (aka Shogun). Mr Tibbs started his career as a tea cat for the bank, but his sound grasp of finance saw him rise up the ranks until he became one of their most prominent managers. Finally, The Cardinal is the world’s most powerful fat cat, with a wide range of business interests that ensure that he has a paw in every pie (often literally, depending on his appetite). These five cats represent some heavyweight investment clout in every sense of the word, but is any deal attractive enough to get them to roll off their backsides and shake paws with a budding entrepreneur?

The latest entrant to the Den is the mysterious Tailor, who has come to market a rather unique line of clothing.

Tailor: Hello, my name is Tailor and I represent the interests of the company who supplies Ikki Tousen, Sekirei and related series with clothing. I’m here to ask for investment in our special line of ‘easy-rip’ clothing. Easy rip clothes tear off at the drop of a hat, leaving the wearer clad in only their underwear.

The Admiral: We’re cats- why would we be interested in clothes?

Aria: Punyu! [Well, actually I’m a collector of hats and accessories, but I prefer ones that are durable enough for a hard day’s work in Neo Venezia.]

Mikoto: Likewise, I prefer outfits that can stand up to all the rolling around and eating I do in the course of a normal day.

Tailor: But trust me- once you try these clothes, you’ll never want to go back!

Mikoto: Sorry, but I’m not convinced, and that’s why I’m out.

Aria: Punyu! [I’m out as well].

Mr Tibbs: I’m actually rather interested to learn why the underwear doesn’t rip as well.

Tailor: Well, in order to keep within broadcast regulations, we have to make the underwear out of a super-durable fabric.

Mr Tibbs: Interesting. Now, if I’m right, don’t your paper-thin clothes mean that the customer has to keep buying replacements?

Tailor: Yes, that’s just it!

Mr Tibbs: Well, in that case I can see massive profit potential in this venture, and I would like to make you an offer.

Tailor: Really? Well, in that case, I’d love to accept your offer.

Having impressed the hard to impress Mr Tibbs, Tailor has secured the first offer from the Dragons in while. Let’s hope he puts that investment to good use for the future of crappy fanservice series.

Blade of the Immortal

Bee Train really like their red moons, don’t they?

“Today’s talking point: murder- right or wrong? Phone in with your views!”

“Why did you have to make me HARD GAY?”

“You think you’ve got problems, but I’m a woman with a Liang!”

“But I thought we were having HARD GAY!”

I thought this was a metaphor at first until I realised it was the real deal.

“I’m not in the mood for HARD GAY right now.”

“Not in the mood?”

“Too bad, because you’re going to be having it anyway!”

“Twelve? No man could have that many Liangs!”

“Oh well, even twelve Liangs will be satisfied by twenty men.”

“I can promise that all of you will die of sexual exhaustion after just one night with me!”

This Week in Anime

“Must reach…giant fruit so I can present it on…Tuesday Rumble…”

There’s just too much wrong with this page…

But what about narrative convention? Is it meaningless now?

“But which is better- pink dango, or brown dango? There’s only one way to find out- FIGHT!”

“Oh, sorry, I thought you said your arse was perfect!”

No they aren’t- they’re here to laugh when you fail.

“Any man will do, as long as he has the stamina to go a few rounds in the bedroom.”

New Wang reveals their new built-in lighting add-on.

Angry mothers decide to show men just what it’s like to give birth.

“Gwakakaka!”

Aagh, rubber duck!

These bananas were clearly found guilty of some terrible wrongdoing.

“Which is we why now say Liang and two buns.”

Dancing apple is caught on camera.

“

Serge will be publishing his own villain’s handbook- “The Seven I’s”- this autumn.

Ah, so that’s the new excuse for looking at adult magazines.

HARD YURI in action.

Flash Game Review: Crimson Room

If you like puzzles, escaping locked rooms and endless clicking, then the Crimson Room is for you! A game that requires observation and brainpower in order to ever get out, the Crimson Room is both addictive and frustrating, and once you complete it, the even harder Viridian Room awaits!

Harem of the week: Issun (Okami)

Diminutive he may be, but tiny artist Issun knew how to chat up the ladies- even if it didn’t seem to result in much actual success.

Harem

Sakuya: A tree spirit whose revealing clothing makes her an instant hit with Issun.

Rao: A priestess and ‘busty babe’ whose assets attract Issun’s attention.

Kaguya: The bamboo princess from the moon- Issun and Amaterasu rescue her from the royal palace.

Fuse: Gentle and kind leader of the Canine Warriors, although they don’t always listen to her.

Himiko: Queen of Sei-An city.

Otohime: Leader of the underwater people.

Kai: A Wep’keer girl who can transform into a dog.

Lika: A young girl with the power to make the northern volcano erupt.

Crest/Banner of the Stars: the game

Can’t get enough of the Seikai universe? Then why not take control of it yourself, as the commander of the Abh Fleet? With Abh forces at your command, planets to conquer, resources to mine and the United Mankind to defeat, there’s plenty to do in this sci-fi tactical simulation. Go online and challenge other empires, or play against the computer and ensure peace in the galaxy. Commission the building of customised attack squadrons, keep planetary populations happy or just run roughshod over their wishes and risk rebellion- the power is in your hands!

Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei: the lost chapters

Sensei: Class, I don’t have a lesson plan today, so I’m just going to improvise. Everyone, get out your text books and start studying.

Chiri: Wait, you can’t do that- everything has to be done just right. Start by calling the register, then have us get our textbooks out and read!

Sensei: But it’s improvisation! It doesn’t matter how I do it.

Chiri: Even improvisation needs to have rules or everything will end up in chaos!

Sensei: Zetsubou shita! The society that imposes rules on improvisation has left me in despair!

• Strict rules for improvisation in Indian music.
• Lessons required for ‘freestyle’ dancing.
• Ad-libbing actors still having to be aware of what they’re saying.
• Unable to use any old lie when making an excuse.
• Examiners still looking for specific things after allowing students to write about whatever they want.

Wagaya no Oinari-sama 6

“…having HARD YURI.”

“Pretending to be a HARD YURI expert when I’m just as much of a beginner.”

“Are you trying to say she’s really a man?”

Yes, because we Westerners are known for just getting naked anywhere and everywhere.

What is this, Pokemon?

Toshokan Sensou 7

“Are you worthy of glimpsing my Zhuge Liang?”

Fruit sighted!

“I don’t know- get me to a bathroom quick!”

The Jintarou Kyle Show

Kyle: Hello and welcome to another edition of the Jintarou Kyle Show! This week’s topic is “Forced to pilot a giant robot…even though I’m only in junior high!” So let’s have our first guest on the show- Shinji Ikari!

Shinji emerges and sit down.

Kyle: Shinji, am I right in thinking that you were asked to pilot a giant robot at the age of only fourteen?

Shinji: That’s right- my dad asked me to do it.

Kyle: So, at an age where most boys are worrying about girls, sports and hanging out with their mates, your own father is pressuring you to get inside a giant robot and fight? That’s disgraceful!

Shinji: Well, I wanted my dad to notice me- I didn’t know how else to get his attention.

Kyle: That sounds like a cry for help to me- so let’s get Gendou Ikari on the show!

Gendou enters as the audience boos.

Kyle: Gendou, is it true that you made your own son go out and fight for the future of humanity?

Gendou: That’s right- I did it, and I’d do it again.

Kyle: Well, I think it’s disgraceful! You told our researchers that you didn’t even want to spend time with the boy- that you’d rather let him live alone than come and stay with you. This is a fourteen year old boy crying out for your love and attention, and you have just pushed him aside!

The audience claps and cheers.

Shinji: No, it’s really not all that bad- I have Misato…

Kyle: The poor boy is even too scared to confront you about it! Shall I tell you what he said to our researchers? He said that he feels too worthless and scared to even want to commit suicide!

Gendou: I-I had no idea. Son, you never told me this!

Kyle: This boy needs his father. I never said it was going to be easy to rebuild your relationship, but our show psychologist can help you work through your issues. Ladies and gentlemen- Shinji and Gendou!

Shinji and Gendou get up and leave the stage together.

Kyle: Next on the show we’ll be talking to Ayato Kamina, who was forced to leave the only life he’d ever known and live on a remote island as the pilot of the RahXephon. Stay tuned, because that’s coming after the break.

Anime Big Brother

The housemates have entered the Big Brother house, but how are they doing? Let’s check up on them.

Morning

Watanuki is the first up- he starts cooking everyone breakfast.

Doumeki: Don’t forget to make those spring rolls I like!

Watanuki: Shut up! I don’t do everything for you! Oh, if only Himawari-chan was here!

Everyone comes down for breakfast, but Horo and Kuu-chan start arguing over who gets the last apple.

Kuu-chan: Hands off that apple!

Horo: No fox is going to tell Horo the Wise what to do!

Lawrence: I have a business proposition- why don’t you split the apple 50-50?

Horo: You’re such a softie- can’t you see that with people like her you have to drive a hard bargain? I demand at least 70% of the apple!

Heat: If you guys don’t shut up, I’ll devour both of you!

(Lelouch: I could command them to shut up, but I must not waste my Geass on such a trivial thing.)

After the first day of ups and downs, our housemates are called in to talk to Big Brother.

Big Brother: So, Wil, how’s it going?

Wil: Well, things aren’t too bad, but I feel like Allison is trying to tell me something- this morning I found her in my bed with all her clothes stripped off! I don’t know what that’s all about.

Next, Big Brother has some sad news for Aoki.

Big Brother: Aoki, we have some sad news for you- your father has just died.

Aoki: Oh. Oh well, back to the house- I’m on dinner duty tonight.

Readers, you decide! Who should be evicted? Who should enter the house to take their place? Suggestions below.

This Week in Anime

Kogarashi presents new “Apple A Day” initiative.

I feel like I’m watching The Jewellery Channel. Oh, and did you know that amethyst is derived from the Greek word ‘amethystos’, meaning ‘not drunken’, because it was believed that wearing amethyst could stop you from getting drunk*? (*don’t try this at home).

Helth brand cigarettes, for a healthier cigarette.

“Such extremes of Hyper Self Pleasure!”

“Pears! Get your pears here!”

“Mmm, delicious!”

“Weaklings- can’t even hold their pears.”

“Damn, that guy is eyeing up my pears.”

“Gwakaka, he left his pears unguarded! Now’s my chance!”

If you didn’t fancy that amethyst earring, how about this oval cut loose sapphire?

I’m sorry, but of all filler weapons, this has to be one of the most stupid.

“We know that monkeys are traditionally regarded as banana lovers, but we have many other fruit to offer.”

Satoru pays for the latest session of phone sex.

The pears return- with apples on their side!

Flash Game Review: Lego Indiana Jones

Forget the disappointment of the film and try a demo of the best thing to come out of the Indy franchise- Lego Indiana Jones. This four level Flash game lets you control Indy for some side-scrolling action- hover the cursor over coins and treasure to pick them up, and click on flashing red hazards in time to dodge, jump over or otherwise avoid them. It sounds simple enough, but it actually requires decent reflexes and good timing- although luckily it’s addictive enough to make you want to complete trying until the level is mastered. After all, you have to clear levels 1-2 just to get the point where you can have Lego Indy ride on a cute Lego horse!

Harem of the week: Klein (Atelier Iris)

He may have seemed like a straightforward alchemist, but beneath it all, Klein had an eye for the ladies- after all, he could always wow them with his ‘staff’.

Harem

Lita: The female lead and main love interest- a strong-willed tsundere with a unique secret.

Norn: a youthful catgirl with a pure and innocent love for Klein.

Viola: apathetic proprietor of the local magic store- can Klein make her care about life again?

Blair: A proud young woman who opens a bakery after falling on hard times.

Hute and Villa: A pair of forward and outspoken sisters.

Arlin: A male party member who enjoys practising ‘swordplay’ with Klein.

• Fat cats: really, what better reason could there be to watch a series than because it has overweight felines in it? It was this that brought me to Stratos 4, and kept me going with Mai-Otome.
• Title: if the mere title of a series sounds interesting, or simply vaguely like something that I already like, I feel oddly drawn to it.
• Music: a good OP sequence or soundtrack is a sure-fire way to draw one into watching a particular series.
• Promotional artwork: likewise, I’m a sucker for a nice character design, although after various eroge adaptations I’ve learned to be more wary.

So, does anyone else experience this, or am I alone in my strange need to pick series based on such flimsy reasoning?

Sisters of Wellber 13

Gernia offers a perfectly logical reason for murdering women with blue eyes.

“What else could I do except re-enact the ending of School Days?”

Erm, I hate to say this- but you’re talking to a doll.

“I shall not permit any man with a Zhuger Liang than mine to live!”

“Won’t you stay for a cup of tea?”

“Sorry, Gernia, but it’s HARD GAY time!”

Here we see the characters escaping from the burning castle by having their tower shot down- don’t try this at home.

Dragons’ Den
Welcome to our regular feature based on the TV program of the same name, in which anime characters try to market their great idea to five fat cats of anime! President Aria made his fortune in the gondola industry of Neo Venezia, and is now CEO of a well-known company. Mikoto started her business in the capital of Wind Bloom, and is now a trusted advisor to the queen, with business partners scattered across the world. The Admiral’s first business venture was to invest in a Chinese restaurant, but a meteor threat to Earth saw her buy shares in ground and space based defence technology, which she currently administers with her protégé “The General” (aka Shogun). Mr Tibbs started his career as a tea cat for the bank, but his sound grasp of finance saw him rise up the ranks until he became one of their most prominent managers. Finally, The Cardinal is the world’s most powerful fat cat, with a wide range of business interests that ensure that he has a paw in every pie (often literally, depending on his appetite). These five cats represent some heavyweight investment clout in every sense of the word, but is any deal attractive enough to get them to roll off their backsides and shake paws with a budding entrepreneur?

Next into the Den is Roger Smith from Big O, who is here to sell his unique selection of gadgets. The Dragons are known for liking technology which makes life easier for them, but will Roger’s selection of goodies tickle their fancy?

Roger: Hello Dragons, I’m Roger Smith and I’m here to ask for investment in my unique selection of gadgets, including the colour-change armoured car, the jet propelled suitcase, the wristwatch communicator and our main product, the Big O.

Cardinal: Hmm, I’m very interested in the armoured car, but how does the deal work? Do we get a share in all these products, as well as any future ones developed by your company?

Roger: Right now, I’m pitching for the products you see in front of you- we’d have to negotiate anything else on a case-by-case basis.

Aria: Punyu? [How much time do you intend to spend on developing new products and marketing the existing ones?]

Roger: Well, marketing is basically handled by going out in Big O and fighting giant monsters- it’s hard work, but pretty high profile.

Mikoto: Hmm, I’d like to hire you to fight the giant monsters that keep showing up in and around Wind Bloom.

Roger has an offer already, but will any of the other Dragons offer a more tempting deal?

Admiral: Actually, I’d like to use the Big O to defend the Earth against meteors.

Mr Tibbs: I hear that he once defended a bank against having its printing plates stolen, so I’m interested too.

The Cardinal: I would also like to express my interest.

Aria: Punyu. [I’ll make this easy for you- this isn’t something I can sell in Neo Venezia, so I’m out.]

Four Dragons have now made offers, but which will Roger choose?

Roger: I’d like to thank you all for your offers, and I’m sure we can work out something where we all benefit.

With his negotiation skills standing him in good stead, Roger is on the verge of making a record-breaking deal in the Den! Will the next entrepreneur fare as well?

This Week in Anime

Ever since they took centre stage in Romeo X Juliet, anime characters have been keeping a close watch on grape affairs.

New mecha design comes with inbuilt ‘melons’

Lemon trio enjoys a romantic lunch.

An apple reconnaissance squad is caught and confined to a basket after a failed mission.

How many times do I have to remind you not to get gremlins wet?

Fruit basket spotted hiding amongst the flowers.

“I have to admit I’m getting sick and tired of the apple diet.”

“Must…finish…shogi…game…before…I…die…”

Ogiue tries some Disgaea cosplay.

Another orange returns from the Antarctic mission.

Who needs an Apple when you can have a Cherry?

“Noooo- why did you eat so much cherry pie?”

“Yeah, he’s a novice at HARD GAY.”

Another victim of cherry pie addiction is discovered.

“…we won’t improve our waltz if we don’t practice every day.”

Kaiji auditions for a role in the new Alien movie.

“Coming soon to cable and satellite- When Big Butts Go Wrong.”

Flash Game Review: Chocolatier
If you love chocolate, what could be more fun than trying to revive a world renowned chocolate company? Well, lots of things, actually, but Chocolatier (deluxe trial – crippled free version) is an interesting diversion. The idea of the game is to restore the former greatness of a chocolate company by travelling the world, collecting ingredients and recipes, and then going back to your factory to create delicious products for sale. This story mode makes up half the game play, but the full version also allows you to go into the factory and set the rate of chocolate production by firing ingredients into the machine in the right proportion- the more complete sets you make, the faster the automatic production rate will be. It is this combination of action/puzzle and story mode elements that makes the game so fun, although it can sometimes be irritating when you don’t know where to go to advance the story, or you can’t remember which city to visit to pick up the cacao beans you need (especially as specialty ingredients deteriorate over time, and each ship journey to a new port costs precious cash). Nonetheless, despite these slight annoyances, the ability to play a game about delicious chocolate is well worth indulging in.

Mini-rant: Why I hate the castle levels on Samurai Warriors
Forget pseudo-intellectual arguments; this week I need to have a good old rant, unsurprisingly about the titular castle levels in Samurai Warriors. Now in fact, I haven’t played Samurai Warriors in a while, but my hatred of the castle levels remains strong, and for that reason, I shall not shy away from complaining about them.

As most will already know, the –Warriors (aka –Musou) series of games are all based on one simple gameplay idea- taking a named character and carving up hordes of enemy troops on level upon level. So far, so good- it may be repetitive, but it also happens to be highly addictive, so much so that dedicated fans will buy add-ons and minor upgrades of what is effectively the same game time after time. Unfortunately, when it came to the Samurai Warriors series, the developers decided to add a little variety- in the form of indoor ‘castle levels’.

Castle levels bring a whole new brand of evil to the game, for not only are they more strictly timed than outdoor levels (and completely lacking in the option to save in-level), but they also seem to have been designed by a uniquely cruel bunch of sadists. Whilst the time ominously ticks down in the upper right hand corner, you find yourself trapped in a maze-like construction of identical rooms, all filled with enemies and generals. You must hack and slash your way through multiple floors of the castle- all the while trying to avoid such innovations as spiked floors and various other traps- in a desperate attempt to complete the level before either your time runs out, or your precious health bar depletes to zero. You can’t even enjoy the wholesale slaughter of generics, because the stress of the time bar forces you to devote your energies to running away so that you can get through the level as quickly as possible- although of course if you then fail to kill a particular general, you’ll probably have to go back and find him to open up the passageway onwards.

Much as they were meant to be a refreshing new angle on gameplay, then, the verdict on castle levels can only be a harsh one- the are neither fun nor enjoyable, merely an evil that must be cleared as quickly as possible, and then left well alone.

Reverse Harem of the week: Kou Shuurei (Saiukoku Monogatari)
In the Land of Many Coloured Bishies, the brave and idealistic Kou Shuurei was able to amass quite a harem, whilst still leaving men over for the other female characters to choose from.

Harem
Ryuuki: Emperor of Saiunkoku, Ryuuki falls in love with Shuurei when she first comes to the palace, and pursues her from then on.
Seiran: Childhood friend and protector.
Ensei: The rough around the edges older man who is solid, dependable and supportive.
Kouyuu: Claims to hate women, but is a candidate for an arranged marriage with Shuurei.
Reishin: Shuurei’s uncle, he has an overprotectiveness towards his niece that includes vowing to marry her to keep her safe from other men.
Ryuuren: An eccentric genius who considers Shuurei one of his soul friends.
Sakujun: A creepy bishounen who falls for Shuurei’s innocent charms.
Santa: A minor character and possible arranged marriage candidate.
Tan-tan: Accompanies Shuurei in the latest arcs, his job is to counter her naïveté by showing her how the world really works.

Rivals
Jyuusan-hime: The ‘thirteenth princess’ of the Ran clan, a proposed bride for Ryuuki.

Like all the best entrepreneurs, President Aria built himself up from nothing, with his dream of hitting the big time beginning in his early years. Whilst roaming the back streets of Neo Venezia, Aria dreamed of the day when he would be able to afford his own hat, and resolved to find a business partner to help him achieve this mighty dream. After some consideration, he selected Akino, an undine from Himeya Company, and the pair set up their first and most enduring enterprise- Aria Company.

Although it was hard to break into a market already dominated by Himeya and Orange Planet, Aria’s business acumen and his talent for hiring the best people helped Aria Company build up a legendary reputation- and all the while a steady trickle of profits began accumulating in the president’s bank account. Even so, for an entrepreneur of Aria’s level, it was not enough- he knew he would have to branch out.

With the help of Aqua’s foremost feline power, Cait Sith, Aria began to branch out his enterprises, dealing with numerous companies and even, rumour has it, allying himself with the Neo Venezian mafia. With his charming manner and inimitable ‘punyu’, Aria became a household name, with the numerous products he endorsed gaining immense popularity.

These days, Aria has risen high enough that he likes to sit back and enjoy the fruits of his labours where possible, but don’t be fooled by his laid back attitude- behind the scenes this feline heavyweight is always popping into company meetings and keeping up with the latest developments in the business pages, and if there’s a good investment to add to his impressive portfolio, he isn’t one to pass it up.

Shion no Ou 18

“I’ve had to make do with night after night of Hyper Self Pleasure!”

“HARD GAY is serious now!”

“The strength to Pleasure many lovers in one night!”

“Ayumi, don’t even try to run away- you’re my bitch now.”

“We can observe some naked men from there.”

“I’m no longer a trap- I’m openly HARD GAY.”

“I had to come out of the closet.”

“Could it be that mere generics weren’t meant to have wild nights of Pleasure?”

Yasuoka’s wife catches him watching adult videos on his laptop.

Dragons’ Den
Welcome to our regular feature based on the TV program of the same name, in which anime characters try to market their great idea to five fat cats of anime! President Aria made his fortune in the gondola industry of Neo Venezia, and is now CEO of a well-known company. Mikoto started her business in the capital of Wind Bloom, and is now a trusted advisor to the queen, with business partners scattered across the world. The Admiral’s first business venture was to invest in a Chinese restaurant, but a meteor threat to Earth saw her buy shares in ground and space based defence technology, which she currently administers with her protégé “The General” (aka Shogun). Mr Tibbs started his career as a tea cat for the bank, but his sound grasp of finance saw him rise up the ranks until he became one of their most prominent managers. Finally, The Cardinal is the world’s most powerful fat cat, with a wide range of business interests that ensure that he has a paw in every pie (often literally, depending on his appetite). These five cats represent some heavyweight investment clout in every sense of the word, but is any deal attractive enough to get them to roll off their backsides and shake paws with a budding entrepreneur?

This week two brand new entrepreneurs have dared to brave the Den- merchant Lawrence Craft and his business partner Horo. Can they win over the Dragons with their confident sales pitch?

Lawrence: Hello Dragons, my name is Lawrence, a freelance merchant looking for a fast investment of some fifty-odd Rumione in my company. We are traders who travel across the country dealing in everything from furs and pepper to armour and even, of late, gold smuggling.

Cardinal: Gold, eh- I like the sound of that- but why do you need such a swift investment?

Lawrence: Er, well, the thing is- we’re in a bit of debt at the moment.

Mr Tibbs: Debt? Do you think the Dragons are your personal bank? I’m out!

Horo: Ah, but they do say that an entrepreneur who is in debt is also in business, don’t they?

Cardinal: Hahaha, I like your spunk!

Aria: Punyu? [Do you deliver to Neo Venezia?]

Lawrence: Not at the moment…

Horo: …but it will be easy enough to alter our trade routes.

Mikoto: What about Windbloom?

Horo: We can deliver anywhere you need.

The Admiral: Do you deal in spaceship parts?

Lawrence: I can’t say we even know what a spaceship is, but we have this armour here.

Admiral: Nice try, but I know that armour is worthless at the moment, so I’m out.

Cardinal: If I give you the money, what exactly are you going to do with it?

Lawrence: Pay off my debt, and then continue trading as normal. Of course, you’ll get a share of any future profits I make.

Mikoto: And if you go out of business?

Lawrence: I’m a main character- I can’t go out of business!

Cardinal: I have a good feeling about you two- especially the girl with the ears and tail. Please accept my investment, and may we do good business from now on.

Horo and Lawrence have managed to entice the Cardinal into investing, but will he appear in a future episode of Spice and Wolf? Tune in to find out!

This Week in Anime

Apples continue their takeover of SaiMono.

Dango and Go in the same screencap- this is just too much!

World’s largest fruit cocktail spotted.

“No apple is going to get the better of me!”

“Take heart, Shuurei- we can fight the apple invasion with the aid of these peaches!”

Shannon has a particularly disappointing HORSE session.

“Oh my god, he’s been killed by apples.”

“Here, little girl, take this delicious apple and join the revolution!”

“Now, let’s play Yu-Gi-Oh!”

“Gun may beat Knife, but Fork is the deadliest of all!”

Annual vegetable conference begins.

Tangerines are always watching us.

I have a Sony Vaio, er, I mean Avio.

Flash Game Review: The Big Red Button
All of us possess that innate desire to press the Big Red Button, and now you can do so- repeatedly. Less of a game than a clicking exercise, the idea of the Big Red Button is simply to ignore repeated warnings not to press said button, and keep on clicking it just to see what happens next. According to the game, there is also a hidden white button, but the truth of this statement has yet to be revealed.

Mini-editorial: Sticking with the formula?
When a series reaches a certain length, it gets thrust into a catch-22 situation- should it stick with the formula that got it this far, or should it try to evolve and update, possibly losing the very qualities that made it great in the first place? In order to fully examine this question, we will be delving not only into the world of anime, but also that of American TV shows, asking whether it would be better to simply cut things off in their prime.

Be it Keroro Gunso, School Rumble, Stargate SG-1 or even The Simpsons, there comes a time when you’ve used the same old format so often that the audience cannot help but tire of it. Even so, that won’t deter some of these old stalwarts; they have their setup and it’ll be a cold day in hell before they part with it. Used that joke before? Don’t worry, it was five years ago- no one will remember. Still stuck in the same old love triangle? Oh well, you can throw in a bit of development and then reset it.

Unfortunately, no matter how great something is to start with, the more you have of it, the less appealing it tastes, and indeed, those series that stick with the formula generally suffer for it, alienating their core fanbase and often turning into a tired parody of its former self. We’ve all seen it happen, but is the alternative any better?

If the static model is to be avoided, then can a series avoid death by trying to evolve and update? Old characters may be replaced with new, relationships may be developed and longstanding feuds resolved, but what are we, the viewer, left with? Gone are the very character and story dynamics that drew us to the series in the first place- instead, we have a bunch of new (and usually not very likable) characters, new adversaries and probably a few continuity errors to go with them. Did the Lead really have a previously unmentioned mother, father and brother? Was the former greatest power in the universe really a minor force compared to the new enemy? Why are we even watching this series anymore?

It seems, then, that the only answer to retaining quality is for a series to end on a high, choosing a “less is more” route. Sadly, in these days of commercialism, as long as there is money to be made, a series is more likely to simply be spun out for as long as it is profitable- regardless of the inevitable loss in quality.

Harem of the week: Samatarou (Kamisama Kazoku)
It’s hard being the son of God, and even more so when numerous women are after you- each of them possessing powers of their own.

Harem
Tenko: Samatarou’s guardian angel and main girl- has a typical on/off relationship with him.
Kumiko: The other woman at school, with more to her than meets the eye.
Meme: Samatarou’s little sister and token loli.
Misa: The sexy and troublesome older sister.
Venus: Despite being his mother, the high fanservice content of the series still qualifies her for the harem.

Rivals
Osamu: The old man still wants all the girls for himself.

The making of Azure Flame: Weekly Round-Up
In an ideal world, the Weekly Round-Up evolves naturally during the week- anime is watched when it is released, and then written about, building up an article that can be published without effort come Friday. Of course, as one can imagine, it often doesn’t work that way, with much of the viewing and writing about anime somehow accumulating until it must all be tackled on Thursday night (or, where time allows, Friday itself). Even so, once everything is finally viewed and written about (or put off until next week), the next stage is to pick out one screencap from the archives for the introduction, and then insert any amusing screencaps from the episodes themselves within the actual article.

• Each episode must begin with a 5-8 minute recap of the previous episode, and also conclude with a recap of the episode in case anyone forgets what happened.
• Flashbacks of each scene from varying points of view (i.e. negligibly different camera angles) will be heavily used.
• After each new line of dialogue, characters will ask “what did you say?”, and be treated with a flashback.
• Whenever characters ask questions relating to the past, they will be answered via flashback, even if said question is just “what did you have for breakfast this morning?”.
• After each blow, there will be a flashback so that the opponent can analyse it and choose their next move.
• Characters will frequently have flashbacks about having flashbacks.
• Every third episode will be a full-on recap episode.

Sisters of Wellber 11

Galahad decides to try the Harvest Moon life.

As with any Harvest Moon game, he has to start from scratch, on a farm that has practically nothing.

He also needs to find a bride in order to clear the game.

Angry knife gets serious.

“Sorry, but Gun beats Knife every time.”

Some say Gernia is a little unbalanced, but where is the evidence?

Stop, those are Sunrise magic mushrooms!

“Can you really survive on Hyper Self Pleasure alone?”

“That enables me to have HARD GAY!”

Dragons’ Den: The Dragonaut Boob airbag
Welcome to a new feature based on the TV program of the same name, in which anime characters try to market their great idea to five fat cats of anime! President Aria made his fortune in the gondola industry of Neo Venezia, and is now CEO of a well-known company. Mikoto started her business in the capital of Wind Bloom, and is now a trusted advisor to the queen, with business partners scattered across the world. The Admiral’s first business venture was to invest in a Chinese restaurant, but a meteor threat to Earth saw her buy shares in ground and space based defence technology, which she currently administers with her protégé “The General” (aka Shogun). Mr Tibbs started his career as a tea cat for the bank, but his sound grasp of finance saw him rise up the ranks until he became one of their most prominent managers. Finally, The Cardinal is the world’s most powerful fat cat, with a wide range of business interests that ensure that he has a paw in every pie (often literally, depending on his appetite). These five cats represent some heavyweight investment clout in every sense of the word, but is any deal attractive enough to get them to roll off their backsides and shake paws with a budding entrepreneur?

This week in the Den we have the mysterious yet well-known entrepreneur Melons, who is attempting to increase her assets by pitching a brand new product- the Dragonaut Boob Airbag. Will the soft and yielding Melons be able to impress the hard and unyielding Dragons?

Melons: Hello, my name is Melons and I represent the interests of Boobonaut: the Melonance. I’m here to pitch for investment in our new invention, the Boob Airbag. As you can see from these images, the immense size of Dragonaut Boobs makes them the perfect airbag, offering soft yet sturdy protection against shocks and impacts.

Aria: Punyu! [Can they really be that big?]

Mikoto: What about storage? These seem a little large to be stowed away in the dashboard- or indeed anywhere in the car- without suffocating the passengers.

Melons: Well, storage is an issue, but many male drivers have said that they like having them in the car.

Mikoto: I’m sure they do, but as a woman, I’m not interested- and that’s why I’m out.

Admiral: I’d like to declare myself out too.

Two Dragons are out already! Has Melons’ sexist pitch destroyed her credibility with the Dragons?

Aria: Punyu. [This isn’t the sort of image Aria Company wants to associate itself with, so I’m out.]

Cardinal: I can see great potential in your product, but at the same time when I have my underlings ram someone’s car, we don’t want them to survive, so there’s a conflict of interest there for me. I’m going to have to declare myself out- although I wouldn’t mind a sample airbag.

Only one Dragon now remains, but will the strait-laced Mr Tibbs be interested in investing in a product that will affect the reputation of his bank?

Mr Tibbs: I have to admit that I’ve been looking for ways to revitalise the image of the bank, but when I think of the consequences of associating myself with Dragonaut and hence Studio Gonzo, I have to say that it’s not in my interests.

Melons has crashed out of the Den without a single offer of investment! Will the next entrepreneur fare any better in the Den?

This Week in Anime

The future of HORSE is so terrifying that we must fight against it at all costs.

Apples reach unprecedented new sizes.

The police force tries a personal approach to recruiting with their new “I Need You!” posters.

According to a poster in the background, cats in boxes are prohibited.

These brightly coloured drinks remind me of the jelly desserts in Stargate SG-1.

Pizza Hut unveils its latest product.

In the new intense farming version of Harvest Moon, crops are grown by the hundred.

Ginko from Mushishi is spotted on Mokke.

Yes, many of us felt that way about the Bokurano anime.

I can’t help feeling that cinemas just aren’t as sophisticated as they used to be.

If in doubt, there’s always tea.

“Are you talking about…Hyper Self Pleasure?”

President Aria’s previously unknown black brother made his fortune in the thermo-logistics business.

Everyone thinks they have what it takes to become a Bartender.

“Apple or orange- which should I choose?”

Mai Tokiha reveals where she ended up after HiME ended.

Flash Game Review: The Impossible Quiz
If you like quizzes, then why not try your hand at the Impossible Quiz (or its successor), both designed to test your sanity and patience to the limit. Far from being straightforward, the Impossible Quiz is like that annoying kid in the playground that continually asks you trick questions and then treads on your toes when you get the answer wrong. Even so, there is still the compulsion to get as far as you can as you try to figure out the trick behind each question- through trial and error if nothing else. Good luck!

Mini-editorial: Blog posts- long-term vs. immediate value
Not quite a rehash of the tired old “editorial vs. episode summary” argument, the question here is about the value of a blog post versus time. Naturally, when any post first appears, it will draw attention from regular readers, aggregrator browsers and the like, but after that it slowly drops deeper and deeper into the archives, perhaps never to be read again. But which blog posts are more likely to escape internet oblivion?

The answer, of course, isn’t too hard to work out- parodies and reviews are likely to attract attention from Google searchers looking for opinions, whilst things like the weekly round-up, news posts and even Tuesday Rumble tend to be regarded more as products of that particular week. Months after it aired, no one cares about Clannad episode nine, but if they happened not to watch the series, they may want to check out a Clannad series review. Editorials are trickier to place, since it depends on their content (some topics are timeless, others are a reaction to the state of anime and the blogworld at that time).

The question then is this- should we consider the long-term value of our posts when we write them, or should we just stick with their immediate value? Does it really matter if our work sinks into the archives as long as it achieved its purpose at the time it was posted? Or is it depressing to think of the hundreds of thousands of words we poured our hearts into now lying abandoned and unread? Should we be putting our effort into something a little more permanent? Perhaps we must just go back to the old answer- we should be blogging because we enjoy it, without worrying about any higher-level reasoning behind it.

Reverse Harem of the week: Kuuya (Utawarerumono)
Determined to rival the lead and find peace through genocide, Kuuya surrounded herself with men, but ultimately failed and ended up with her mind reverting to that of a child.

Harem
Genjimaru: The wise older warrior and bodyguard.
Hien: The young and stoic one.
Hauenkua: The psychotic, gender-confused one.
Dii: The mysterious bishie who only pretends to be a part of the harem to further his own goals.
Hakuoro: The lead, Kuuya tries to recruit him but ends up joining his harem instead.

Simoun DS
As we’ve seen recently, there’s a game for everything, but that doesn’t mean that we don’t have room for more. One significant omission is a Simoun game for DS, a combination of dating sim and action game. You take on the role of a young sibylla who has just been assigned to Chor Tempest; off-duty you can chat to your fellow sibylla and try to build up relationship points with them, and then when the time comes for battle, you and your chosen pair can take to the skies. Your relationship score will affect your stamina in battle, whilst special Ri Maajon moves can be drawn with the stylus, unleashing the true power of the Simoun! Does anyone have the drawing power to manage the legendary Emerald Ri Maajon? Find out when Simoun DS hits the streets!

Shion no Ou 16

Man…

…or woman?

“It was fun while it lasted, but people are starting to give me funny looks.”

“I will teach you what it means to be a man…”

“…through constant HARD GAY!”

“It will hurt at first, but in time it will become pleasurable.”

“Just watch what I do, and you’ll soon pick up the technique.”

“Now, prepare to feast your eyes on my Zhuge Liang!”

Dragons’ Den: The Kaiji Gambling Experience
Welcome to a new feature based on the TV program of the same name, in which anime characters try to market their great idea to five fat cats of anime! President Aria made his fortune in the gondola industry of Neo Venezia, and is now CEO of a well-known company. Mikoto started her business in the capital of Wind Bloom, and is now a trusted advisor to the queen, with business partners scattered across the world. The Admiral’s first business venture was to invest in a Chinese restaurant, but a meteor threat to Earth saw her buy shares in ground and space based defence technology, which she currently administers with her protégé “The General” (aka Shogun). Mr Tibbs started his career as a tea cat for the bank, but his sound grasp of finance saw him rise up the ranks until he became one of their most prominent managers. Finally, The Cardinal is the world’s most powerful fat cat, with a wide range of business interests that ensure that he has a paw in every pie (often literally, depending on his appetite). These five cats represent some heavyweight investment clout in every sense of the word, but is any deal attractive enough to get them to roll off their backsides and shake paws with a budding entrepreneur?

The latest entrepreneurs to brave the Den are business partners Tonegawa and Kaji, who are looking to sell what they call “the Kaiji Gambling Experience”. Events-based companies are notoriously hard to work with, so will they have that something special the Dragons are looking for?

Tonegawa: Greetings, Dragons, today we have a unique business proposition for you- the Kaiji Gambling Experience! Our company offers a range of games aimed at those in deep debt, all designed to give them the hope of paying off their creditors. So far we have released Restricted Rock-Paper-Scissors, the Human Derby and E-Card, all of which Kaiji here has participated in.

Cardinal: Ah yes, I’m familiar with those events.

Tonegawa: Our hope is that, with your investment, we can expand the scope of our company, perhaps bringing out more games and of course reaching more people.

Mikoto: Well, debt is at an all-time high in Windbloom, so I have to admit that the market is there for it, but wouldn’t it be better to focus on selling one product rather than diversifying so much that you overstretch yourself?

Kaiji: Each game naturally leads onto the next- it’s like one huge product, really.

Aria: Punyu? [Could you explain these games to us in more detail?]

Tonegawa: Of course.

Having made his initial pitch, Tonegawa offers the Dragons the detail they need by showing them a range of video clips.

Aria: Punyu! [This looks rather dangerous and inhumane, so I’m out.]

Mr Tibbs: I’m not sure the bank and I really want to solve the problem of debt, so I’m out as well.

Two Dragons are already out! Can Tonegawa and Kaiji persuade the remaining three that they really are worth investing in?

Admiral: The thing that worries me is the high death rate- surely it damages your long-term profits to decimate the market?

Cardinal: Now, now, casualties are only to be expected. Tonegawa, I love your idea and I’d like to make you an offer.

Tonegawa: We’d be happy to have you on board.

Tonegawa’s games have appealed to the Cardinal’s ruthless streak, landing him with an offer from arguably the most powerful Dragon of the group. Well done.

This Week in Anime

Now presenting- the Turn A moustache.

Young Haruhi cosplayer explains how she got the look just right,

Forget Starbucks- all the cool people are going to Starbobs.

“I support bananas!”

“This is how you show those apples who’s boss!”

These days it’s possible to buy anything- even your own personal loli.

Is this Shaman King or Ren and Stimpy?

Grapes prepare to escape the fruit bowl.

“We aren’t HARD GAY, we’re just experimenting!”

“Yeah, and I’m actually reading Go strategy, not sneakily looking at porn.”

“Don’t be afraid to embrace your HARD GAY side!”

President Aria invests in the bowling industry.

“The discerning man drinks Boozer.”

Prepare for the brand new series- Athrun no Go!

No, not more Harvest Moon!

“I have mastered the game of Fantavision, and enlarged my Kadoya!”

Dog counsellor proves popular.

Flash Game Review: Eyezmaze
I first discovered Eyezmaze when someone started a forum thread on the Grow Cube game, and from then on, I was addicted. The Grow games remain my favourite offering on the site- the basic premise behind all of them is that you add components in a certain order so that they all reach their maximum level- a seemingly simple task that can sometimes be fiendishly difficult. The other games are of the more straightforward colour-matching/catch falling objects class, although the Chronon puzzle remains memorable for its seeming impossibility.

Reverse Harem of the week: Himeno Awayuki (Pretear)
Yet another in a long line of destined magical girls, Himeno not only became the legendary Pretear, but also gained the services of seven Leafe Knights, a group of bishies and shota whom she had to “prete” (fuse) with in order to use magical powers. Any excuse for it, eh?

Harem
Hayate: The brooding main love interest- tall, dark, handsome and taciturn.
Sasame: The carefree and laid back one, who harbours his own secrets.
Go: The straightforward strong man of the group.
Kei: The vain, effeminate narcissist.
Mannen: Oldest of the shota, the cool and pragmatic one.
Hajime: The second shota, the unmemorable, bookish type.
Shin: The quintessential blonde shota.

Rivals
Mawata: One of Himeno’s two stepsisters; the quiet, troubled one who wanders around angsting.
Mayune: The other stepsister; a comic relief character who continually tries to seduce the male characters.
Takiko: The “Princess of Disaster” and previous Pretear, with romantic links to both Hayate and Sasame.

The making of Azure Flame: Tuesday Rumble
In an oddly circular turn of events, in this Tuesday Rumble we will discuss how Tuesday Rumble is created. The first stage is generating ideas, which occurs through random trains of thought, MSN conversations and throwaway comments on other blogs. These ideas are all written down in a special Word document, which also lists the various articles in the right order for consistency.

Each week, the top ideas for each section are transferred to the current Tuesday Rumble, in the following order-

“Main article”- random ideas based on the world of anime and manga. I used to do two per week, but now it’s down to one.

Screencap parody- based on whatever screencaps I saved to the appropriate folder

Short parody/Random Thoughts/Dragons’ Den

This Week in Anime

HARD GAY/HARD YURI Corners/Anime or Game World Tour/Flash Game Review

OST Spotlight (not currently featuring)

Mini-rant/editorial

In Your Reflection/Harem of the Week

Fashion Police (not currently featuring)

The making of Azure Flame/Amusing Search Terms+Spam

Now the individual sections can be worked on over the weekend or on Monday and Tuesday, until the finished product is ready to be released. Sadly, tiredness, lack of time and the dreaded lack of internet can all conspire to make sure that some weeks have to go without a Tuesday Rumble.

E-card: the new gaming phenomenon that’s taking over the nation
Forget Pokemon, move aside Yu-Gi-Oh!- a new card game is in town! The kids will just love E-card, a high stakes gambling game brought to you by your good friends in the yakuza! In each E-card starter set, you get a deck of cards containing Citizens, an Emperor and a Slave card, as well as special accessories to affix to your eye and ear! Gamble too much, and the pin in the accessory will penetrate the eyeball or eardrum, permanently damaging the organ. Bet against fellow players for big money, and remember- what’s a sensory organ or two amongst friends? You can play again and again and again with our special E-card sets!*

*Please wash eye and ear needles between use. Note that we cannot accept returns on used E-card sets.

Harvest Moon Ninomiya

Today we’re here to introduce a special game to you- Harvest Moon Ninomiya: Let Me Eat It!

As per usual, you have a supporting character to guide you through the tutorial section.

One new innovation in the game is the requirement of checking every single grain for quality before planting or shipping.

Cows can be kept outside in a custom-made pasture.

Sheep are also available.

New to the Harvest Moon franchise are pigs.

The game designers decide to bring us “pigs like you’ve never seen them before”.

Unfortunately, this is the only way to handle the pigs until you can afford a slaughterhouse.

Ah yes, and where would we be without the obligatory Liang joke?

Dragons’ Den: Celestial Brush
Welcome to a new feature based on the TV program of the same name, in which anime characters try to market their great idea to five fat cats of anime! President Aria made his fortune in the gondola industry of Neo Venezia, and is now CEO of a well-known company. Mikoto started her business in the capital of Wind Bloom, and is now a trusted advisor to the queen, with business partners scattered across the world. The Admiral’s first business venture was to invest in a Chinese restaurant, but a meteor threat to Earth saw her buy shares in ground and space based defence technology, which she currently administers with her protégé “The General” (aka Shogun). Mr Tibbs started his career as a tea cat for the bank, but his sound grasp of finance saw him rise up the ranks until he became one of their most prominent managers. Finally, The Cardinal is the world’s most powerful fat cat, with a wide range of business interests that ensure that he has a paw in every pie (often literally, depending on his appetite). These five cats represent some heavyweight investment clout in every sense of the word, but is any deal attractive enough to get them to roll of their backsides and shake paws with a budding entrepreneur?

Facing the Dragons this week are artist Issun and goddess Amaterasu, who are hoping for investment in their Celestial Brush. Will the Dragons be tempted by their business proposal?

Issun: Hello, I’m Issun and this furball here is Amaterasu. We’re here today asking for investment in our revolutionary Celestial Brush technology, which you can use to literally pause the world and alter it to your desires! If you buy our full package, you’ll be able to turn night into day (and vice versa), summon wind, fire, water, thunder and ice, repair broken objects, make flowers grow and much more!

Aria: Punyu? [So, what’s your pricing strategy for this?]

Issun: Well, we sell the initial brush with the Sunrise ability for 300,000 yen, and then all the other abilities are extra.

Cardinal: What about the ink?

Issun: Well, that refills naturally, but you have the option of purchasing more bottles to store it in.

Cardinal: Hmm, don’t you think you could make more money if you forced people to buy more ink instead of effectively giving it away?

The Cardinal has just pointed out a major flaw in Issun’s pricing strategy, but the entrepreneur seems undaunted.

Issun: Well, if it didn’t work this way, the world would probably under the control of the forces of darkness right now.

Mikoto: I’m very interested in this, but I’d like to know how many you’ve sold so far.

Issun: Well, er, Amaterasu has the full set, I’m learning, and Ninetails could do a bit too…

Mikoto: So, three sales so far?

Issun: I wouldn’t exactly call them sales.

Issun has just admitted that, despite some impressive boasting, he hasn’t actually sold any of his product yet! This does not go down well with the Dragons.

Mikoto: You know what- come back when you’ve actually got some sales to show me, because for now I’m out.

The Admiral: With this night and day thing, suppose I’ve just got into bed and you draw a sun? Do I have to get up and go to work?

Issun: Yes, but you can always draw a moon and make it night again.

Admiral: But that would mess up everything! I’m out!

Aria: Punyu! [Creating suns and such is a bit irresponsible, so I’m out too].

Mr Tibbs: I’m actually very interested in this- anything that gives the bank the ability to control the world must be good. I’d like to make you an offer.

Issun: Thank you very much- I’d like to accept

After a grilling in the Den, Issun walks away with an investment from Mr Tibbs! But how will our world change now that a fat cat has access to the powers of the Celestial Brush?

This Week in Anime

Painting work begins on new 1:1 scale Gunpla.

Budget cuts made at Pizza Hut’s branding department.

All foodstuffs are now to be sold in clearly labelled containers.

It’s not quite Aria, is it?

Mikoto-class cat spotted.

Generic factory produces too many units.

What an appetising looking lump of wood.

Sunrise decide to supplement ailing budget by moving into clock production.

HORSE has evolved with time.

A DOG tries to solicit customers in the blue light district.

“By your powers combined, I am Captain Planet!”

“I command you all to take up smoking!”

HARD GUNDAM.

If in doubt, just turn Super Saiyan.

Pears undertake a daring mission to infiltrate the apple basket.

Walnuts find a new niche.

Flash Game review: Light Puzzle
I’m a sucker for laser puzzles, and this little one amused me for a weekend during the Winter Olympics two years ago, so it’s way past time to point it out. As with all puzzles of this type, the idea is to get the laser beam to the target of the same colour, using whatever mirrors, beam splitters and prisms you are provided with. Naturally, it’s a simple enough task to begin with but one that gradually gets harder throughout the game’s 24 or so levels. Fear not, however, for if you get truly stuck, I have screencapped the solutions.

Mini-editorial: A few thoughts on Lain
A few weeks ago, Hige wrote about pretension, briefly mentioning his thoughts on Lain, and at the time I thought “hmm, I must say a few words about Lain too”. A series that blends the worlds of reality and the internet, Lain is one of things where you either don’t understand it but rave about how deep and complex it is, or you don’t understand it and openly admit that because of that, you couldn’t really enjoy it. Having said that, I cannot deny that there were large tracts of Lain that I didn’t understand, but whilst it is my least favourite of the four ABe series, it still has worth and merit for me.

As I said in my Sixty anime piece, Lain is anime of ‘layers’ rather than episodes- starting at the beginning in reality and slowly dropping deeper and deeper into the virtual world. Along the way, there is much to think about as the walls between reality and fantasy blur. Can consciousness exist on its own within the internet? What is the difference between one’s self and the person someone else perceives you to be, the “you” that exists only in their head? Or does the fact that people usually turn to Eva and Ghost in the Shell for these sorts of musings render Lain surplus to requirements?

That being said, should we really praise the creators for making a series so complex that viewers can barely understand it? Have they really packed it so full of that aforementioned depth and complexity that viewers must navigate their own way to meanings, or are they just so poor at presenting their ideas that the result is a mishmash of half-baked concepts?

Whatever the case, and in spite of the Michael Jackson look-alike who created the WIRED, I generally enjoyed Lain, but it will never be a series for everyone.

In Your Reflection

This week we have a head-to-head between two men from rather similar series- SaiMono’s Ensei and Twelve Kingdoms’ Shoryu (aka King En). Both men have similar appearance, along with a rough around the edges personality that belies their roles in government.

The making of Azure Flame: Screencap parody
This week we go behind the scenes to find out how a screencap parody is hewn out the rocks, polished and refined for your enjoyment. The process begins, unsurprisingly, by watching the episode (or in select cases, having someone else watch it), whilst basically spamming the screencap key to capture any potentially amusing moments. In this way, around 400 ‘raw’ screencaps will be generated.

The next step is to resize all the screencaps to 450px in width (or 225 in some cases), a task easily accomplished with either Irfanview or PhotoResize. The new, smaller screencaps are now pasted into Word, where the real work begins. Useless images are deleted, whilst amusing ones are captioned to retell the story of the episode; once all images are captioned, an introduction is written and the long process of uploading all screencaps and posting them all into Wordpress can begin.

For longer posts (100+ images), the parody will be split into two parts, although in some cases it’s had to go to three.