Legend tells that when the land falls into ruin, four Warriors of Light will come forth, each bearing an Elemental Orb. Now, in the Kingdom of Cornelia, the ancient prophecy has finally been fulfilled, as four youthful warriors prepare to rescue their princess from the grips of the evil knight Garland. What they don’t realise is that this is just the start of a journey that will take them across the world and into confrontation with the dark god Chaos.

Given Square-Enix’s propensity for making remakes, and then remaking those remakes, it is no wonder that the original entry in their flagship series would travel from NES to PSOne to GBA and now to PSP. And along the way it has been given a complete graphical overhaul, making the idea of returning to the simplicity of nameless generics fighting enemies and restoring elemental crystals far more attractive than it might otherwise be.

Legend of the Crystals

In an age of increasing complex battle systems and new takes on the genre, Final Fantasy takes us back to what things were like in the good old days when petrol was cheap and a pound coin could get you a portion of chips, an ice cream, a cinema ticket and still leave you enough change for the bus ride home. Back in these days of heady simplicity, all an RPG had do in order to become legendary was give you four generic heroes to name, and have you traipse across a world of villages and dungeons, buying the weapons, armour and magic you need to grind your way through wave upon wave of randomly generated enemies.

At the start of the game, you get to name and customise your characters, which basically consists of picking a class for each of them out of six classes- Warrior, Thief, Monk, White Mage, Black Mage and Red Mage. Unlike later Final Fantasy games, you can’t change jobs midway through the game (although all of these jobs will upgrade to more powerful versions), so it’s important to start off with a balanced group. From this point onwards, your characters will assume the roles of the four Warriors of Light, and it will be your job to travel across the monster-infested world restoring the magical crystals and thus righting the balance of nature.

Everything about the game is pretty straightforward; at any given point, you’ll either be fighting random enemies in dungeons, stocking up on items and equipment in town, or just wandering around the world map trying to find your next destination. There are a handful of tricky enemies, but no real curveballs in terms of difficulty, so the overall experience (sans optional dungeons) will only run to around 8-10 hours, meaning you’ll be done before the nostalgia wears off and tedium starts setting in.

If that isn’t enough for you, however, there are also four bonus elemental dungeons, best attempted once your characters reach a high level. Unfortunately, there is a sting in the tail for anyone attempting to complete all of these dungeons; at the bottom of each one, there are several bosses, but each time you defeat one of the bosses, you get automatically teleported out and have to work your way back down again. Maybe this will satisfy hardcore games, but even my masochistic streak doesn’t run deep enough to make me want to grind through the same 30 level dungeon multiple times.

Story

As you might expect, Final Fantasy isn’t going to win any awards for its story, which is generic in pretty much every respect. Still, if you ever want a template for making your own RPG, I guess you could use this as a starting point.

Presentation

FFI PSP’s greatest appeal quite possibly stems from the fact that the game has been completely graphically overhauled for its latest rerelease. Whilst it must always be argued that looks aren’t everything, the fact that the old 8-bit graphics have been replaced with attractive sprites, monsters and background helps to revitalise what would otherwise just be a poor-looking, generic throwback to a past era. The character sprites are particularly pleasing, but effort has been put into giving every aspect of the game a fresh look which improves even on the efforts of previous remakes. Similarly, the in game music has been remixed, ensuring that it doesn’t sound aged and tinny.

Final Thoughts

Although it might have been considered an epic title in its time, even a classic game like Final Fantasy needs a bit of repackaging to sell it to a sophisticated modern audience, and luckily this shiny new remake achieves just that. It may be a far cry from the breadth of RPGs available to us today, but it still makes for a worthy burst of nostalgic fun that wraps up well before it outstays its welcome.

Seven years before the fateful events of Final Fantasy VII, one of the unsung heroes of that tale was facing problems of his own. Together with the legendary SOLDIER members Sephiroth and Angeal, SOLDIER Second Class Zack Fair is sent on a mission to recover Genesis, a former SOLDIER First Class who went rogue and turned against the Shinra Corporation. Determined to prove himself a true hero, Zack throws himself into his work, but he soon realises that there is far more going on behind the scenes than he ever suspected.

Given the amount of spin-offs now flooding the market, it doesn’t so much seem as if Square-Enix are flogging a dead horse so much as they’re flaying an elephant that is slowly sinking to its knees. Amidst all the dross and cheap cashing in, however, there are a few occasions when it’s no bad thing to jump on the bandwagon- and Crisis Core happens to be one of them.

Milking the franchise

Casting players in the role of the ill-fated Zack Fair, Crisis Core is one of Square-Enix’s more successful attempts to implement a more action-based battle system (Star Ocean good, FFXII bad). The story proceeds linearly across a series of chapters that fill in the gaps as regards Zack’s career, his relationships with Sephiroth, Aerith and Cloud and his eventual fate.

In battle, Zack has the usual menu of options available to him- he can execute sword attacks, block, dodges and use the usual array of Final Fantasy items. And naturally, since this is the world of FF7, he can also equip materia to give him a range of magic, command and support abilities. The system is solid, fast and furious, but on its own it wouldn’t be quite enough to make the game as addictive as it is.

On top of the basic system, the game also adds the confusingly named Digital Mind Wave (DMW), a set of three spinning reels bearing both numbers and the faces of important NPCs in the game. Powered by Soldier Points (SP) accumulated in battle, the DMW periodically stops, and, as with a conventional slot machine, the aim is to get three of a kind. Getting two or three of the same number activates special effects such as being able to cast magic for zero MP cost, or temporary immunity to getting knocked down, but the real reward comes when you match three character faces. Doing so activates a limit break related to that character- for example, Aerith provides healing and temporarily invincibility, whilst Sephiroth empowers Zack to perform a powerful multi-hit attack.

That’s not all the DMW has to offer, however; over time, it also gains Summon Mode, in which Ifrit, Shiva and selected other FF summons can make an appearance to deal out damage, and a special Chocobo Mode, where the FF ‘mascot’ characters such as Chocobo and Moogle create special effects. The DMW is also responsible for levelling up both Zack and his materia, which adds an element of chance that makes conventional grinding pointless.

When it comes to getting geared up for a mission, everything is taken care of within the menu screen- even the shops are hidden away there. For story reasons, Zack cannot change his weapon, but he is free to customise his accessory and materia setup as the player wishes. After a certain point, you also gain the ability to fuse materia, a useful ability which enables you to access powerful magic which is unavailable in the shops.

If the linearity of the main game disappoints you, then fear not, because the game has plenty in the way of optional missions, complete with a full range of rewards. Unfortunately, the sheen of this additional mode soon wears off, because in the end, they are all much the same. With so much else packed onto the UMD, there seem to be room for only a handful of maps on which missions take place, and all of them consist of battling through monsters to get to a boss enemy who must be defeated to clear the mission. And although it’s easy to initially be fooled into thinking encounters are random when on missions, you’ll soon realise that they’re triggered when Zack steps on particular spots on the map- even if you just defeated a monster in that exact place mere seconds earlier! By the time your enemies get strong enough to start spamming cheap instant death attacks, you’ll have mastered the art of hugging the walls to avoid fighting anything except the mission boss. The fact that you can’t even grind to level up for a particular mission makes the process all the more painful.

Story: we know how it must end

There aren’t that many games out there where you know that the hero is going to die an ignominious death at the end, but as anyone even vaguely acquainted with the FF7 franchise will realise, Crisis Core is one of them. The later chapters of Zack’s story are as well known as they are depressing, but in addition to that, the game also comes up with its own story that segues into the tale of Cloud’s struggle against Sephiroth in the original game.

To that end, Crisis Core expands upon the ‘One Winged Angel’ theme, introducing two more legendary SOLDIERs to stand alongside Sephiroth- the brilliant and poetic Genesis and Zack’s mentor, the stoic Angeal. Both stand at the centre of a tale of dark experiments, alien cells and false copies- and if you thought making logical sense of the original FF7 story was hard enough, you’ll be tying yourself into knots trying to make some kind of vaguely logical sense of the events of Crisis Core. It’s certainly several grades above the pointlessness of Advent Children, but if you don’t want to succumb to the same madness that claims Genesis and Sephiroth, just accept it as pure hokum from the outset.

That being said, the game does do rather well at characterisation- as the heart of the story, Zack is likeable rather than generic, and his untimely end is none the less poignant for being completely unsurprisingly. Both established characters and the ones introduced for this game are painted in bold, vibrant strokes- they may not always be the most complex of personalities, but you’ll enjoy spending time with them.

Audiovisual

Technology has come a long way since 1997, so much so that a handheld game of today such as Crisis Core looks a lot better than the once groundbreaking console title that is Final Fantasy 7. The game looks good and plays smoothly, with the only problem being that the disk space taken up by the lavish cut scenes is what forces the game to have so few map environments in which to set its many missions.

In both visuals and music, the game stays true to the style and atmosphere of the original whilst giving the presentation a once-over so that it doesn’t feel dated. Familiar locations such as Midgar and Nibelheim have been recreated well, whilst the soundtrack mixes in new material with updates of familiar themes such as a rock version of the original’s boss music, now used for epic battles against summoned monsters.

Final Thoughts

Although it’s easy to accuse it of being the latest in a long line of lazy Square-Enix cash-ins, Crisis Core is in fact an enjoyable game to play. If it can make an old cynic like me feel nostalgic for the days when FF7 was the last word in RPGs, it must be doing something right.

As a Dark Knight and the leader of the fabled Red Wings, Cecil has dedicated his entire life to serving the King of Baron- but when the king begins pursuing a policy of aggression against other nations, he begins to reconsider. Greater forces are at work in the world, and Cecil must reflect on both his loyalties and his true allies if he is to save the world itself from peril.

Back in the old days, I had tried to get on with Final Fantasy in its previous incarnations; first I had a go at the US SNES version and its laughably sanitised translation, and in due course I tried the PSOne remake, but I was never able to stick at it for long. With the release of a completely overhauled DS remake however, I was given another chance with the game- and this time I was going to see it through until the end.

The World of FF4: remade

In true Final Fantasy tradition, FF4 is a game about magical crystals and destined heroes saving the world from darkness; exactly what you would expect from the era. Originally released for SNES, FF4 was the first instalment in the series where characters actually had names and personalities (remakes aside), and although most Americans knew it as ‘FF2’ for years, it was nonetheless generally regarded with fondness. Fortunately, the remake preserves all that, but it also adds enough to draw in players both old and new to the game.

The core gameplay of FF4 is exactly as you would expect- as Cecil, you and your party run around different towns and dungeons fighting monsters and bosses via an ATB battle system. Moving the game to a dual screen layout has allowed for some changes; for example, on the field, the touch screen displays a map of the area, and as with Star Ocean 3, you can gain bonus items for completing 100% of each map. In battle, the party line-up, ATB and attack descriptions have all been moved to the lower screen; overall it ensures that the game never looks cluttered on the small screen, but there’s no real implementation of the touch screen technology (you can move around via the touch screen map, but generally it’s easier to use the D-pad).

The DS may be considered a lightweight and mainstream handheld, but one thing’s for sure- the difficulty of this game hasn’t been toned down. Spamming attack throughout the game is guaranteed not to work here, with even some normal enemies proving difficult enough to warrant developing specific strategies to deal with them. Loopholes have also been closed with regards to certain bosses, so that while there are still a few undead that can defeated by judicious use of Elixirs, most of the time you are actually going to have to think about what you’re doing. It can be challenging, but mainly in a refreshing way; battles are rarely pathetically easy or impossibly difficult, ensuring that the game never gets dull.

As well as retooling a few of the party’s unique abilities for this release, FF4 now adds an extra layer of customisability with its ‘Augments’ system. Augments are special items that bestow characters with new abilities- collect them all and you can mix and match, giving Cecil Yang’s Focus or adding Fusoya’s Bless to Rydia’s arsenal. Collecting the best Augments does require some strategic planning, but when you combine it with the ability to customise a character’s battle menu with their most used commands (imagining going straight to Cura from the top menu instead of scrolling through the White Magic menu), then you can create your own made-to-order fighting force.

Playable Characters

“You spoony bard!”

Despite the large number of playable characters in the game, FF4 is very particular about when you get to use them- basically the story determines which characters you have in your party at any time, and there’s nothing you can do about it. Your final line up for the closing chapters of the game is Cecil, Kain, Rosa, Rydia and Edge.

• Cecil (Dark Knight/Paladin): The main character, Cecil starts the game as a Dark Knight with the ability to enhance his attacks by sacrificing his own HP, but after a life-changing event, he becomes a holy Paladin. As with most main characters, Cecil is a strong swordsman who makes an excellent front-line attacker, whilst his noble Paladin nature means that he can take damage for other characters (he’ll do that automatically if they are in critical condition) and use a limited range of white magic.
• Kain (Dragoon): Cecil’s best friend (that is, when he isn’t under the influence of the enemy), Kain is the classic Dragoon- a lance user who does the most damage with his Jump attack. Launch him into the air and he’ll remain impervious to attacks until he comes crashing back down to earth, doing major damage in the process. Many recommend him for the front-line, but with only two slots in front I tend to keep him in back so that Edge can have the other front slot.
• Rosa (White Mage): Cecil’s girlfriend and the main obstacle in the way of HARD GAY bliss with Kain, Rosa is the typical healer- physically weak, but able to heal with powerful magic. She also has Holy magic in her arsenal, whilst her Pray ability now restores bother HP and MP- useful when you’ve drained her reserves through constant spell-casting.
• Rydia (Summoner): As well as having access to powerful summons (including a brand new one that you can customise and have fight in her place), Rydia is a dab hand with black magic, making her unsurpassed in the field of negative status effects and elemental damage. As a child, she also has white magic abilities, but she loses these later in the game.
• Tellah (Sage): An old man who manages to forget most of his magical abilities, regain them and then leave the party for good, Tellah makes for decent magical support, but his MP runs out too quickly. Useful while you have him, but not a character you miss when he’s gone.
• Edward (Bard): The spoony bard of the game’s most memorable line, Edward is a weakling whose special abilities include hiding from danger, but when he’s not protecting his own skin, his song skills can come in handy.
• Palom (Black Mage): Twin brother of Porom, Palom may not be able to keep his mouth shut, but fortunately he offers up some useful black magic support to Cecil during his quest to become a Paladin.
• Porom (White Mage): Palom’s twin sister, Porom is a master of white magic and can also Twincast magic with her brother. Like Palom, she is a useful support character but isn’t outstanding in the overall character line up.
• Yang (Monk): A master of fist-fighting techniques, Yang makes for a perfect front row attacker who can Focus to power up his attack, or damage an entire enemy party with his Kick. A worthy addition to any line up.
• Cid (Mechanic): In this incarnation, Cid is a large-lipped engineer with a bushy red beard who may be excellent with airships, but is generally average in battle. His one special feature is the fact that he can analyse enemy stats at no expense- basically a free Libra that you can abuse whilst he’s in your party.
• Edge (Ninja): A latecomer to the party, Edge is a ninja prince with an eye for the ladies. Typically swift and weak, he has a range of average physical and magical attacks, and makes for decent front line support.
• Fusoya (Lunarian): Another latecomer who only stays briefly, Fusoya is basically another sage, albeit with the special ability to Bless the party and thus slowly restore their MP. A useful character to fill out the numbers, but since his low defence leads to him often falling in battle, you won’t miss him once he leaves.

Extras

“Fat Chocobo!? Blasphemer! He is known here as the Godsbird.”

Although the core of the original game remains intact, there are some new features worth mentioning. For example, back in the original, a character called Namingway would periodically show up and offer to change your characters’ names. Now that the game has cut scenes with voice acting, changing names isn’t allowed, so instead Namingway travels the world, changing his name and purpose as he goes.

Also undergoing a change in function is Fat Chocobo; now that the restrictions on your inventory have been lifted, there is no need for him to be able to store items, so instead he performs a number of different tasks. As well as letting you look at the bestiary, rewatch events and listen to game music, Fat Chocobo lets you train and customise Rydia’s new custom summon, Whyt.

In the main game, Whyt can now be summoned like an Aeon to fight for Rydia, but in order to get him into a fit state for that, you’ll have to pay a visit to Fat Chocobo. The first order of business is to take Whyt’s featureless form and customise it with a simple Paint-style drawing function; this, like the Whyt training, is the only feature of the game where the stylus and touchscreen capabilities are actually needed.

Rather than training him directly, increasing Whyt’s stats is done by playing mini-games relating to the different playable characters. You can solve maths puzzles with Rydia, press the stylus down for set numbers of seconds with Rosa (the most boring of the mini-games), defeat goblins with Cecil, jump and avoid birds with Kain or attack and dodge enemies with Edge. The mini-games are mildly diverting, but since I never used Whyt in the game, I wasn’t too bothered about them.

Also added to the game are the by now obligatory New Game Plus option (although you can only play through three times before having to start a completely new game), and of course a couple of super-hard optional bosses to pit yourself against.

Story

Although Final Fantasy IV is a product of the era of destined warriors and magical crystals, it does a good job of rising above such simplicity with plenty of character development, a serving of drama and a healthy dose of tongue-in-cheek humour. FFIX fans in particular will find much to like about the world of FFIV.

Audiovisual

Visually, FFIV has been given a complete overhaul, abandoning the simplistic SNES sprites for a pseudo-3D look that is so appealing and cute that I wouldn’t be averse to seeing it used in a lot more remakes- and that’s coming from a big fan of sprites. The music is composed by Nobuo Uematsu, of course, with the usual range of familiar themes undergoing some improvement so that they don’t sound too tinny and outdated in their new home.

Final Thoughts

Final Fantasy IV has always been a solid entry into the series, but the polish given to this latest remake ensures that is both addictive and enjoyable even in this era of flashy graphics and complex battle systems. There’s no doubt that playing this is gaming time well spent- now let’s have remakes for FFV and VI as well.

Sensei enters the classroom.

Sensei: Class, today there is no class! As the world is ending tomorrow, we must make the most of our final hours?

Chiri: What do you mean, Sensei?

Sensei pulls out an diagram of CERN and the Large Hadron Collider.

Sensei: When they switch this on tomorrow, it will create a micro black hole and the whole world will be sucked in?

Kafka: I’m sure that won’t happen, Sensei.

Chiri: It’s just a baseless speculation- no sensible person would believe in it. Remember when the world was going to end in 1999?

Sensei: If we don’t take this seriously, then the world will really end and we’ll have missed a vital opportunity to completely disregard authority.

Sensei pours out a drink of alcohol, but it falls off the desk and smashes on the floor.

Sensei: Zetsubou shita! These reports of the end of the world have left me in despair!

• Dancing lessons would have been back on Friday.
• Tickets booked for events next year are now worthless.
• Even if the world does end, we won’t know it happened.
• The new school year has begun- all those wasted applications and homework!
• We needn’t have worried about resources running out.
• All those B-movies were wrong.

What’s in Naoki’s Newspaper?

Viewers of Itazura na Kiss will have noticed that Naoki pays more attention to his newspaper than his wife, but what is it that keeps him so occupied? We decided to suggest some possible articles that might have caught his eye.

• “How to be a Complete and Utter Bastard”
• “How not to be a Complete and Utter Bastard” (he keeps rereading it in the hopes that it will make sense one day).
• “Sweater Fashions: What not to wear”
• “Wil Schultz and Major Stork’s family advice column”

Blade of the Immortal 2

“Oh, homicidal- I thought you said homosexual!”

“You are a lousy lover!”

“But his Liang was Zhuge!”

“It is not the size that matters, it’s the technique.”

“Yesterday, you got greedy and tried to have two men at once!”

“One of them was an accursed gaijin, a filthy white man!”

“No man has ever tried to Pleasure two partners at once before!”

“And that one of them was a savage was even worse!”

“Who cares as long as you conquer your partner and force them to submit?”

“You don’t even need to undress to make me think dirty thoughts about you.”

“Teenage boys, on the other hand…”

“If you want to turn STRAIGHT, then you might as well go the whole way.”

“If you are as frustrated as you say, then show me by giving me the greatest Pleasure of my life!”

“Very well- I will.”

HARD GAY corner: Final Fantasy Tactics

Deprived of the HARD GAY a boy naturally enjoys with his brothers, Ramza Beoulve turned to his best friend Delita, but their happy years together came to an end when Delita decided to pursue new methods of Pleasure. Whilst Delita tried to set events in motion to cause the largest orgy ever, Ramza travelled the land, searching for the ultimate in HARD GAY partners. Unfortunately, all too often he was branded a heretic for hurting old men who only wanted little boys, but along the way he recruited the likes of Gun user Mustadio, “Hell in bed” knight Malak and Swordsman Orlandu to satisfy him in the bedroom. In the end, however, he decided that INCEST with his sister Alma was the way to go, and rode off into the sunset.

Mini-editorial: Are we too obsessed with tagging everything?

Mini-editorial is back (for this week, anyway), and we’re here to discuss the new(-ish) phenomenon that’s swept the internet- tags! From blog posts to images, everything can now be tagged with useful keywords that make searching for what you need that much easier, but whilst I find tagging as useful as the next internet addict, I have to wonder if we’ve gone a step too far. For example, these days when I write a review for Amazon, there’s an option to add tags to that review, and I have to wonder- does anyone actually use those tags in any constructive way whatsoever? Are we now at the stage where we tag things for the sake of it? Are we cluttering up our world with useless tags just because it’s a bit of a novelty? Or will the great tag infrastructure of the world someday prove useful? Like all things, maybe we need to use tagging in moderation- in some places, it is of course highly useful, but if it brings nothing to whatever we’re doing, maybe we shouldn’t be quite so tag-happy.

Harem of the week: Kazuki (Dual)

After being sent to a parallel universe, Kazuki discovered more than a few beautiful girls were up for spending time with him- all ultimately coming to live in the same house. What else would you expect from the creator of Tenchi?

Harem

Mitsuki Sanada: The main girl who comes across from Kazuki’s home universe- the tsundere type who hates any form of competition.

Mitsuki Rara: Mitsuki’s parallel universe counterpart; although she dresses up and plays the part of the overbearing enemy queen, her natural personality is reserved and self-effacing.

D: An alien being in an artificial body, she interprets things literally and has little understanding of the nuances of human behaviour.

Yayoi: The older woman, she acts as a mentor and teacher but holds a torch for Kazuki after he saves her life.

In the world of Ivalice, every child knows the tale of the War of the Lions, and the legendary hero Delita who was its foremost champion. Records are not always accurate, however, and one historian claims that the true hero of the war was not Delita but his best friend Ramza Beoulve. Delve into the past and discover the story never told- the tale of Ramza, a man who became a heretic just to protect what he believed in.

Before all the fancy battle systems of Nippon Ichi and its peers, there existed a strategy RPG that was to shape all that came after it. Bearing the Final Fantasy name, this game was a niche title whose general lack of availability doomed it to obscurity for many years, until finally it was dusted off, re-released and brought out into the light where it belonged. For obvious reasons, that game was none other than Final Fantasy Tactics.

Many years ago, I started FFT, but because I found the game so incredibly difficult I ultimately gave up and put it to one side. Ironically, however, it was not the recent PSP remake that brought it back to my attention, but a desire to play and complete all the classic PSOne RPG titles that I had, for whatever reason, missed out on in my teenage years. So it was that FFT re-entered the scene, and this time, I was going to complete it- no matter how long it took.

The world of Ivalice

Final Fantasy Tactics takes place in the world of Ivalice, a land threatened by war thanks to the ambitions of both the nobles and the Church. As Ramza, your goal is to rescue your sister from the madness, which in practical terms means moving across the world map fighting battles on different maps. The world map is a simple affair, consisting of connected points which you must travel between (it takes one day of in-game time to travel between one point and the next). Red nodes indicate that there are battles to be fought to advance the story, green nodes have been cleared but can be revisited for random battles, whilst blue nodes are towns and cities.

As well as being the obvious place in which to buy weapons and items, town also provide other services in the form of the pub and the soldier office (a few towns also have a fur shop where you can sell monster remains). The pub is the home of rumours that will explain the situation of the game and let you dispatch generic characters out to handle missions on their own, whilst the soldier office is the place to recruit new generics to bulk out your team while you wait for the story characters to join your team (remember that you can never have more than 16 playable characters at any given time, although you can dismiss units to make room for more).

As with so many other games, job classes are all in Final Fantasy Tactics, determining a character’s stats and abilities. Generic characters always join at level one with only the Squire (basic, no frills fighter) and Chemist (item user) classes open, and it is only by levelling up in these classes that better options will become available. Those familiar with the Final Fantasy franchise will be right at home with the range of classes, which includes staples like Black Mage, Priest (white mage), Summoner, Knight, Samurai and Ninja along a few more exotic options such as Dancer, Bard, Mime and Calculator (no, really). Story characters also have their own unique classes with skill sets that generics cannot learn.

Once a character is in a particular Job, you’ll need to go out and fight in order to accumulate the Job Points (JP) needed to master the abilities of that class. There are a range of command and support abilities available in each job, and it’s up to you to decide which ones to master first- bearing in mind that even using a particular item such as a potion requires you to have mastered the related abilities (that’s right- just setting the item command isn’t enough).

With all the requisite skills learned and equipment bought, the time has come to equip your characters for battle. Depending on their job, each character can equip a weapon (one or two-handed), shield, helmet, armour and accessory (not all options are available to all classes), with the game will automatically furnishing you with the best setup from your inventory unless you choose to customise. For skills, each character can set up to two command types; the one that corresponds to their job, of course, and another command from any other they have unlocked (for example, a Black Mage would obviously have Black Magic as their first command, but the second could be White Magic, Item and so forth). You can also set up to three support abilities- one relating to how you counter enemy attacks, one relating to movement (increasing range, letting you heal as move, etc) and another that lets you add extra commands such as Defend and Equip Change, gain extra JP in battle or just equip a type of weapon or armour that your job normally wouldn’t allow. Having just one slot for each support ability may seem rather restrictive, but it ensures that you have to think carefully about your choice.

Battle

With all that in mind, the time has come to head out to battle, which, in true SRPG fashion, takes place on isometric maps of varying altitude and terrain. For most battles, you are able to deploy up to five characters from your party, usually as one team, but sometimes in two squads. Unfortunately, whilst you are given an area of squares in which to place characters prior to the battle, you won’t know how these squares actually relate to the map and the enemy positions until the battle begins, which is a bit of a blow to any tactical formation you might want to make (then again, for the battles where tactical formation is that important, you’ll probably get killed and be forearmed for your subsequent attempts).

Once battle actually begins, characters get turns according to their speed, which is represented by the filling of the Charge Time (CT) gauge. Once the gauge reaches 100, a character can take their turn, with turn order visible via selecting an action and then pressing Left. As per usual, each turn lets a character move once and act once (provided they are in deep water, which prevents action), although unlike later games of the genre, if you move and haven’t acted yet, you can’t undo your move if you discover you’ve gone somewhere where no enemy is in range of your attacks. Battle objectives are of course the usual range of “defeat all enemies”, “defeat the boss” and “protect pathetically weak ally NPC who likes to make suicide attacks on the enemy”.

Whilst normal attacks and certain abilities take place immediately, spells, summons and various other special abilities require charging time of their own, meaning that several other characters may get to take their turn whilst the caster is preparing their spell. If the ability in question is targeting a particular unit, then it will always strike that unit even if they move (the only way to evade is to use the Lancer ability Jump), but if it’s aimed at a panel, then, with luck, you’ll be able to move out of the way. It’s also worth noting that most spells have a five square cross shaped area of effect and will target enemies and allies alike (the same goes for other abilities that target more than one square)- only summons differentiate enemies from allies when it comes to healing or dealing out damage.

With that in mind, it’s clear that battles require some thought, but there’s one more reason not to embark recklessly on a fight, and that’s what happens when a character dies. Excluding guest characters, as soon as someone is struck down, a three turn countdown begins, after which point they disappear, leaving behind either a treasure chest or the crystallised remains of their soul. When this happens, that character is gone forever- regardless of whether they were a named story character or your best generic. If you want to avoid this, you’ll have to revive them or finish the battle before the time is up, although conversely you’ll want this to happen to enemies so that you can pick up the items they drop and use the crystals to either inherit new abilities or replenish your HP and MP.

If human characters aren’t enough for you, then you may be pleased to learn that you can also recruit monsters using the power of a Mediator. If your Mediator is successful, the target monster will join your party and become fully playable, with the added bonus of it regularly laying eggs to add more monsters (some with better stats than the original) to the team. Unlike humans, however, monsters have a fixed skill set- they cannot equip items, learn new skills or have jobs. These limitations aside, monsters can be useful allies- especially chocobos, which have the added advantage of allowing humans to ride them.

In typical SRPG fashion, the battlefield also plays host to ‘guest characters’, ally NPCs who usually have to be protected from death at the hands of the enemy. Guest characters are often powerful, but they are also unpredictable- they’re just as likely to run away and save their own skin as to pitch in against the enemy, and when they do go on the attack, they’re as bad as the Americans for instigating friendly fire incidents in their eagerness to carve a path through to the enemy.

As well as all the usual stats, character strength in FFT is determined by three unique factors- Brave, Faith and star sign. Brave is a measure of a character’s courage and hence controls the success rate of physical attacks, whilst Faith measures a character’s belief in the supernatural and thus the success of their magical attacks; both of these stats can be raised permanently by repeated use of certain special skills. Meanwhile, star sign is important because when the in-game date matches with the dates of that sign, a character’s power is increased. That being said, the mechanics of star signs and character strength can be ignored throughout the game without too much ill effect.

In practice, what all this means is that Final Fantasy Tactics is not a game you can brute force your way through- if you don’t unlock the right classes and skills, much of the game will be hard, and even a slight change in strategy and character level can change a seemingly impossible battle into a manageable one. Even if you find most of the game a struggle, however, the last few battles are almost disappointingly easy, because once you recruit the deadly Orlandu, almost nothing can stand in your way.

My team

Ramza: As the main character, Ramza has to be at the forefront of the action, even getting the dubious pleasure of having to fight one or two story battles alone. Although his default class is Squire (an extended version of the Squire class available to generics, with some useful support abilities), you can of course take Ramza in any direction you wish- for much of the game I alternated between Monk and Knight; the former for its range of attack and healing abilities, the latter for the ability to break the weapons and armour of strong enemies.

Agrias: A Holy Knight by trade, Agrias is a robust character whenever she has a sword in her hand, but without it she can’t use her Holy Sword abilities- which is why you’d better prioritise teaching her the Equip Sword ability.

Mustadio: An Engineer with a gun specialty, Mustadio’s unique skills are rather limited, which is why I took him the route of learning Equip Gun and prioritising Chemist skills so that he could become a roving item user with a ranged attack.

Orlandu: As a knight, Orlandu has a skillset that overlaps with both Agrias and Meliadoul (another playable story character who joins up too late to be of much use). Although he only joins late in the game, Orlandu is such a powerhouse that he can carry the later battles pretty much by himself, making the end of the game generally rather easy.

Red Chocobo: The most powerful of the three chocobo types in the game (yellow, black and red), Red Chocobo doesn’t have the healing skills of the yellow, but its powerful Choco Meteor attack has been known to take down bosses on its own.

Rad: The one generic character that I’ve worked on, Rad was well-used until Orlandu came along, acting variously as a Mediator, Geomancer, Oracle and Summoner throughout the game, usually with Item as his secondary skill.

Story

A cut above the average RPG fare, Final Fantasy Tactics attempts to bring us a comparatively complex tale of church politics, intrigue and plotting, even spicing proceedings up with darker topics such as implied rape. Unfortunately, it doesn’t quite succeed- not so much through any story failings as from the fact that this version of the game is so poorly translated that it’s hard to understand any of the plot nuances. Hopefully the PSP version with its better translation has rectified this problem.

Audiovisual

Visually, Final Fantasy looks much like every other SRPG out there, using isometric maps and sprites, and despite its age, the overall look is quite pleasant- in fact, the sprites have more range of movement than some in more recent games! The background music isn’t as memorable as that of mainstream FF titles, but it still serves its purpose well enough.

Final Thoughts

A rough gem in a world that would later produce more polished titles, Final Fantasy Tactics is nonetheless a worthy game in its own right, and one that proves as addictive as the SRPGs that would follow it. Although the PSP version is all the rage at the moment, we mustn’t forget the original incarnation that started it all.

Welcome to a world where school doesn’t have to be all about textbooks and theory- if you’re inexplicably talented and mature for your age, then anyone from age 5-15 can enlist in Garden, an elite school that teaches you how to be a mercenary! From festivals to intense weapons training, the three Garden facilities (Balamb, Galbadia and Trabia) offer everything you could possibly require for those fun and wholesome formative years. You can even learn how to do more than just mindlessly attack your enemy by equipping a Guardian Force (GF) and unleashing awesome magic, summoning and item-using powers (note: some reports claim GF use can have an adverse effect on memory, but these are mere rumours with no scientific backing).

Adults and casual visitors need not despair, however, for there is plenty to occupy them too. From challenging random strangers to the widely popular card game Triple Triad to enlisting in the Galbadian army, you are bound to find something to suit your needs! Just remember that television and radio signals are severely affected by interference, so you may not be able to tune into the BBC world service.

Heroic Age revisited

“…once they find out you have this giant sex toy.”

“Who needs a lover when I have this to Pleasure me?”

“Why did I have it made out of chocolate?”

“No one must learn about my secret love of trashy teen horror flicks.”

What I love about Heroic Age is how it makes you feel up close and personal with the action.

“We’d better get them to form an oderly queue, or it’ll be chaos!”

#

“Mmm, I’d like to be first in line.”

Use of the custom paintbrush facility in GIMP enables hundreds of identical ships to be drawn in mere seconds.

“Hey, are we even on the right show?”

“Sorry, I have to rest for a moment- my backside is sore from all the kissing.”

“The camera crane is stuck again- I can’t get it to lower!”

This Week in Anime

One man tells his sad tale of servitude to the orange empire.

More to the point, what are you doing with that raccoon?

I love Oh! Edo Rocket, but scenes like this still terrify me.

“I hope no one notices I’m standing in for the real Bartender.”

Apples team up with grapes to overthrow the evil Montague.

Oranges are caught trying to illegally enter the country.

“I hear you give excellent Hyper Self Pleasure.”

“I haven’t done it in a while- I hope I’m not rusty.”

“True love- or at least true lust.”

“That is why I perfected Hyper Self Pleasure!”

Mini-editorial: Character depth- can it sometimes be too much?

In real life, people are complex- they have various facets to their personality, and it is highly unlikely that any two people would agree with or approve of each other a hundred percent of the time. Nonetheless, the medium of television often likes to render things a bit more simplistically- heroes are heroic, villains are villainous and supporting characters, well they’re lucky to get more than one or two character gimmicks.

Nonetheless, the demand for “realism” has continued to make itself known over the years, and so it has been that in due course writers have tried to add a bit more depth and complexity to their characters with the aid of back stories, ambiguity and the like. Our hero may have a bleak past of assassination and murder, our villain may simply be a misguided product of an abusive upbringing. Such gimmicks are now familiar to us, but still we must ask- is there a point where it all becomes too much. To put it succinctly, are we able to throw ourselves behind a likable character who ordered the death of millions?

To go to the example that inspired this editorial, let’s look at Roy Mustang from Fullmetal Alchemist. The Roy Mustang we see on screen is a competent officer with a wicked sense of humour and the ability to inspire great loyalty in his troops- altogether a likable character. Nonetheless, as we dig a bit into his past, we learn that he is also responsible for the deaths of innocent people- admittedly an act he committed under orders and one which he regrets, but can we ever fully put aside his complicity? Do we accept the Mustang we see in the present, embracing him as one of our favourite characters even as we gloss over his less savoury deeds?

Ultimately, then, it must come down to what we, as the viewers, want from our characters; do we wish to be challenged to feel ambivalent about them, to build relationships with them that involve some conflict and complexity of feeling? Are there some acts that cannot be forgiven, no matter how contrite or likable the perpetrator is now portrayed? Are shallow characters cliché, or is it actually comforting to have heroes who embody ideals of purity, courage and optimism, alongside pantomime-esque villains that we can boo, jeer at and generally hate without fear of political correctness? Perhaps, in the end, there is room for both in our viewing schedules.

In Your Reflection

This week we take a look at two girls who may well be identical twins- Code Geass’ CC and Darker than Black’s Amber. Aside from their remarkable physical similarities, both have special powers, an importance to the plot that doesn’t surface straightaway, and a secondary role as Pizza Hut poster girls.

Amusing Search Terms

Old favourite: www.you toube

goo toube sex : you toube was one thing, but goo toube is just plain scary.

harvest moon help two beds together: you sick, sick person- this is a game for kids!

final fantasy 7 yuffie rape game: no, that wasn’t one of the proposed spin-offs.

maria sama ga minute: In the words of Google, did you mean Maria-sama ga Miteru?

Amusing Spam

I know you were all dying to read the Spanish Viagra advert, but unfortunately it was too long to copy and paste here.

“The Intelligent Warrior Subliminal Videos | …

intelligent warrioir video series…”

I can’t wait to watch it, whatever it is.

Useless Gaming FAQ Advice

Picture the scene- you’re so hideously stuck on a game that you just have to refer to a FAQ (or you’re just lazy), but instead of the detailed strategies you were hoping for, there is a statement so blatantly obvious it need never have been written in the first place. Here are some examples of the sort of frustratingly useless gaming advice you wish you’d never read.

• In this battle, what you need to do is beat the boss if you want to win.
• If your hero is at level 99, this battle will be easier than it would have been at level 50.
• If you’ve completed every optional quest and spent eighty hours levelling up, this battle will be easy; otherwise it will be impossible. Good luck.
• In order to defeat this enemy, just keeping attacking it until its HP reaches zero.
• This battle is very difficult, but if you keep trying, you will eventually win.
• If you get game over, you will have to reload and try again.

Final Fantasy Tactics: A remake for the 21^st century

As you may or may not know, there is now a PSP remake of Final Fantasy Tactics featuring various tweaks for the gameplay and character, but let’s ignore that and imagine how we could remake the enjoyable yet often hard FFT into something more suited for the “dumbed down” modern gamer.

• Increase party limit from five to fifteen, with the ability to switch characters in and out of battle at will or if a character dies. The maximum number of recruitable characters is now 99.
• When attacked, your characters have a 100% chance of dodging the attacking and countering with a deathblow.
• Skills are easier to learn, and everyone can have simultaneous access to every skill.
• Enemies never counterattack, and whilst they are affected by terrain, all of your characters are immune to such hindrances.
• There is no longer a time delay when allies cast magic, but enemies take at least ten turns to cast.
• Auto-Life, Auto-Regen and Auto-Reflect are switched on for every boss battle.
• New characters start at the same level as the main character, regardless of when they are recruited.
• Enemy levels scale with yours, so that they are always twenty levels below you.
• Shops give away items for free.
• If your party is wiped out, they are immediately revived, whilst the enemy units take damage equal to the HP used to revive them.

Mobile Suit Gundam

Someone has a rather large ego.

“Damn him! Now I might actually have to do something!”

(“I can’t believe they’ve replaced the bartender with a guy on a screen- talk about cost cutting.”)

“Everyone, let’s play Yu-Gi-Oh!”

“Don’t you think that’s going a bit overboard?”

“…and I know it!”

“We totally didn’t borrow this design from Star Trek.”

“It’s not supposed to break down- I’m the main character!”

Someone forgot to draw in the pupils…

…but with a bit of editing, it’s all better.

Random Thoughts: Zhuge Liang

This week we talk to Zhuge Liang, historical figure and star of both the ROTK anime and Koutetsu Sangokushi! Zhuge, would you like to talk a bit about your roles in both series?

Well, in ROTK I didn’t come in until later, but that was just to stop viewers from being overcome by my awesomeness. Once I started taking an active role, ratings really soared- and for good reason. All-in-all, I’m glad we were able to bring viewers such a historically accurate account of the Three Kingdoms era.

In Koutetsu, we’re trying to do something a bit different, with emphasis on my superiority, greatness and inexplicable magical powers. Basically, the idea behind the series is just to hire as many good looking men for me to sleep with as possible, and then ad-lib a script whenever we’re filming.

Is it true that you’re all-knowing, or are you just putting it on for the cameras?

How dare you even ask such a thing!? Of course I am all knowing- I am Zhuge Liang, son of God!

Out of your many partners, who is best in the bedroom?

It’s so hard to choose- I mean you’ve got Lu Xun’s youthful and innocent vigour, which is nice, but then there are times when you just want Pleasure with an experienced lover like Zhou Yu who knows exactly how to give you what you want.

How do you justify the complete lack of women in Koutetsu Sangokushi?

Women are unimportant- I only desire MEN.

And finally, how do you feel about your name now being as a synonym for “Huge Wang”?

It seems appropriate, given my mighty size. Would you like to see it?

Uh, I think I’ll pass.

This Week in Anime

Even though it’s meant to be Yeager, from certain angles it looks like Kevin Keegan.

The Pizza Hut invasion continues in Darker than Black.

Mao certainly seems to be getting fat on Pizza Hut.

Fruit is never far from the action.

Some people will do anything for sweet, sweet peaches.

Grapes infiltrate the Great Refrigerator.

HARD GAY corner: Lodoss War TV

On his continuing quest for HARD GAY, Parn hones his Sword skills and takes on lovers both old and new, from King Kashue and the well-endowed Ashram, to “berserker in the bedroom” Orson and “master of Staff” Cecil. Meanwhile, in the land of Flaim, a young knight-in-training named Spark practises HARD GAY from a young age, eventually growing up enough to be able to take partners such as “rough and ready” Garrack and “quietly Zhuge” Aldonova. In a surprise turn of events, however, Spark heralds the emergence of a new era by turning BI and also including women in his party, forcing Parn to return to the story and show the young man that Sword is always best.

OST spotlight: Ghost in the Shell Stand Alone Complex OST 2

Yoko Kanno showcases her talent at jazz composition in this soundtrack, my favourite of all the SAC OSTs to be released so far. Whilst not every track is on the mark (one in particular consists of what sounds like bees buzzing an anthem), when the powerful strains of origa’s Rise or one of the many other powerful vocal themes are reached, all weaknesses can be forgiven.

Notable tracks: Rise, I Can’t Be Cool, Psychedelic Soul, What’s it For, Living Inside the Shell

Mini-rant: Scanlators and e-Liangs

Inspired by this post, I decided to construct a self-serving rant of my own about the difficulty of “acquiring” manga from certain scanlation groups. Now, perhaps I should become less lazy and get on with improving my Japanese to a point where I can tackle the manga raw, maybe I should bow and scrape to the people who translate series I wouldn’t be able to read otherwise, but the real annoyance is- if you’ve gone to the trouble of releasing manga (presumably for fans to read), why make it so difficult to get hold of? I don’t mind going into IRC, or having to wait a few days- what I do mind is being asked to make n posts on a forum I have little to no interest in. If I wanted to post on your forums, I would be doing so already, and I don’t take kindly to being forced to do so.

In short, someone who is illegally scanning and translating manga doesn’t really have much ground with which to feel superior to the leechers they are doing it for- and if you aren’t doing it for said leechers, don’t bother to even advertise the fact that you’ve made such a release for everyone to see.

Reverse Harem of the week: Miaka Yuki (Fushigi Yugi)

When she went to another world, she was quick to amass bishounen to protect her, with her chirpy personality proving oddly attractive to them all.

Harem

Tamahome: The main guy and one she eventually ends up, their relationship went through a lot of angst before finally overcoming even the plot.

Hotohori: The emperor and second man, Hotohori adored Miaka and even challenged Tamahome for her, but eventually settled for an offscreen role with an abruptly introduced wife.

Nuriko: A cross-dresser who developed a crush on Hotohori, he nonetheless eventually admitted that the male part of his personality loved Miaka, causing him to make the ultimate sacrifice for her.

Chichiri: A priest and magic user with a dark past; not romantically attracted to Miaka but still one of her destined bishounen.

Tasuki: A hot-headed bandit who claimed to hate women until his hidden feelings for her were exposed by an enemy spell.

Mitsukake: A quiet doctor who lost his beloved in a plague; not romantically attracted to Miaka but still one of her destined bishounen.

Chiriko: A genius shota; not romantically attracted to Miaka but still one of her destined bishounen.

Amiboshi: A member of the enemy sent to infiltrate the destined bishounen; later in the story he wants Miaka to drop out of the plot and live with him forever.

Rivals

Yui: Miaka’s best friend turned rival and enemy, she tries to steal Tamahome from her at one point in the plot.

Suboshi: His devotion to both Yui and his brother caused him to violently attack and pursue Miaka.

Soi: Her love for Nakago made her jealous when he revealed his plan to steal Miaka’s virginity

Tomo: See above.

Nakago: He became determined to steal away everything important to Miaka, from her boyfriend to her virginity.

Amusing Search Terms

Old favourite: you toube sex

fat cats: yay, somewhere out there is another supporter of flabby felines.

suikoden nude: a naked disc, bereft of packaging.

O AND I CANT DIE I HAVE AZURE INSIDE OF: this makes no sense whatsoever.

Marimite Hard Panda: The correct terminology is not Hard Panda, but merely PANDA.

“my bikini”: Coming soon from the folks at Sunrise- Mai-Bikini, a tale of fanservice and swimsuit episodes.

hentai rumble: School Rumble, 18+ version.

Happy Sangokushi: Don’t worry, be happy.

manga bleach guys action pictures: When has this blog ever covered Bleach?

Suikoden Hentai Free: Some people just never want to pay.

romeo x juliet only 19 episodes?: Then why are episodes 20-21 up at Random Curiosity?

fat stay night: Not to be confused with Fate/Stay Night, Fat Stay Night is the tale of seven obese people and their battle to lose weight.

papillion hard gay: Yep, he is.

Amusing Spam

“where get cheap ringtones for cellular one customers info cheap ringtones for cellular one customers info ?

Wow!!! Good job. Could I take some of yours triks to build my own site?”

I don’t know what my ‘triks’ are, but they don’t come cheap.

“We are immensely pleased that you have found our web page about houses for sale….”

I did? When was that?

“diet does k special work…

I don‘t agree with you in 100%, but you have covered some good points regarding this topic….”

I had to, for K Special is such a neglected topic compared to Special K.

“Hi

Your home page its great

G”night”

Short and to the point.

“anime image boards…

Cheers – I have a special offer for this site and the users….”

If it’s to stop spamming my blog, then I accept.

Welcome to a new section of the blog, one in which ranting takes a new direction as I temporarily move away from attacking anime in order to turn my attention onto games. These ‘Dark Side’ rants aren’t like the normal moans, however, for in them I shall abandon my usual writing persona to adopt a more informal ‘Dark Side’ personality, who finds even more faults than I do in my default state. And so, let the ravaging begin with that one RPG that brought many of us into the gaming fold- Final Fantasy 7.

The first FF game for Playstation, Final Fantasy 7 seems to be the game that everyone has played, and back in the day it spawned much debate and discussion, not to mention numerous threads about how Aeris could be revived using some convoluted method, or how Sephiroth was the hottest bishie ever to grace the world of gaming. Ah yes, in those early times we loved FF7 and thought it was the best, and it was only upon going back to it after years of better games that I came to realise that while I will always have a degree of fond nostalgia for it, on a scale of 1 to Phantom Brave, it isn’t really all that good.

Enter the Dark Side…
So come on, who didn’t love FF7 way back when? I know I did- it was my first RPG and I spent many a late night hacking away at it. Back then, the game seemed huge- I spent ages just getting through Midgar, and that was only the first town. I’d never seen an RPG, and this was just great- catching chocobos, equipping weapons, meeting playable characters, I loved it all.

In more recent times, however, I ended up helping my siblings with their play-through of the game, and all the lustre seemed long gone. With each passing town, I found myself thinking “I hate this part”, especially when those accursed torture devices the FF series called mini-games were involved. More often than not, characters looked like deformed Lego rejects, whilst the battle system was so slow and excruciatingly dull that all I needed to do was select attack over and over again. I still had the memories of the good times, but beyond that, it was clear the game needed to be left in the rose-tinted corridors of the past.

Characters

How cute…in a “couldn’t be bothered to find a better resolution” sort of way.

When Final Fantasy 7 begins, you find yourself in control of Cloud, a man who is desperately trying to be cool and MANLY, but who only succeeds in coming off as a complete jerk with poor fashion sense, an obsession with hair gel, and a sword so big that it surely must be compensating for a deficiency elsewhere. Worse yet, as we discover later in the game, he isn’t even the badass top-class mercenary he claims to be- instead, he was rejected and given a career as one of the blue-clad generic guys you can defeat in two hits right at the beginning of the game! It was only after some unfortunate experimentation and the death of his best friend Zack that he stole Zack’s clothes and sword (that’s right, he takes the clothes of a dead guy to wear) and convinced himself that Zack’s successful career was his own! He even gets it on with Zack’s ex-girlfriend Aeris- talk about pathetic.

Next to join the team is Barret, a hot-headed man with a gun on his arm and leader of a terrorist group trying to make a statement by blowing up reactors. Thanks to his weapon, Barret can at least inflict long range damage from the back row, but you have to wonder how he can cope with a gun in place of his arm. Doesn’t it ever overheat? How does he do up his zipper? These questions must be answered.

Third in line is Tifa, a well-endowed woman billed as Cloud’s childhood friend- at least until we find out a few more details from their past. Apparently, Cloud was so moody and antisocial even in his early years that he didn’t actually make any friends, and in fact he barely knew Tifa. Even so, in order to give hope to all the losers out there, Tifa falls in love with Cloud anyway, which proves that you can be a complete jerk and still get the girl as long as the two of you grew up in the same town.

You’d think a guy like Cloud would be lucky to score even one girl, but as it turns out, he’s quick to set his sights on another party member- the aforementioned Aeris. The last survivor of an ancient race (creatively called The Ancients), Aeris is gifted with mysterious plot powers, and also just happens to have been dating Zack at an unspecified point before the story began. Having absorbed Zack’s personality into himself, Cloud is able to make an impression on her too, but as it turns out she’s fated to get stabbed by main villain Sephiroth anyway. Unlike those who laughed at it, I actually felt a pang of emotion at seeing Aeris get stabbed the first time around, but it soon became replaced with annoyance- either I spent ages levelling her up to get her best Limit Break only to have the game throw all my work down the toilet, or I left her pathetically weak only for the game to once again screw me over by forcing me to use her in the Temple of the Ancients. This infuriating situation must be why so many people wanted to resurrect Aeris (it should also be noted that when she dies, she takes away the equipment she was wearing forever, and means that the three parties sometimes needed in the penultimate battle are one member short), but short of starting a new game, it can’t be done.

The fifth member of the team is actually the best character of them all, so utterly awesome that I even used his name as my internet identity for years. Yep, it’s Red XIII, the wolf/lion beast with fire-red fur, whose cool and calm exterior belies his fierce intellect. His name may be taken from Star Wars (with even his real name, Nanaki, said to be an anagram of Anakin), but we can forgive him this transgression due to his sheer worth in every other department. He may have been made ugly and reticent in Advent Children, but the True Red XIII has the looks and personality to go far.

Sixth to join up is Caith Sith, a remote-controlled toy cat who rides atop a giant plush moogle (as you do). In all fairness, aside from the fact that he’s controlled by a generic bad guy who initially betrays the team before deciding to wholeheartedly join the side of good, Cait Sith isn’t all that bad- his character design is quite appeal, and there’s nothing really wrong with him, it’s just that there’s no real reason to use him in battle either. He’s just one of those characters who inspires indifference when the time comes to decide just who should be on the front lines.

The final compulsory character is crabby old pilot Cid, a spear user who will ever be renowned for the line “Drink your goddamn tea!”. At home, he mistreats the woman who stopped his rocket launch to check a problem with an oxygen tank, only to find out that she was right all along, and didn’t deserve all those years of being sworn at. He also has a cigarette permanently lodged between his teeth, which somehow made it through to the US release without being changed into a lollipop.

For the truly committed, another two optional characters are available to recruit- the irritating ninja Materia Hunter Yuffie, and the dark yet cool Vincent, a tortured man who lost his one true love and got turned into a monster. Whilst Yuffie is annoying enough to steal all your material and force you to struggle through a tedious sidequest should you go anywhere near her hometown (she’ll also steal money from you if you don’t recruit her properly), Vincent at least shows promise, but his status as a side character means it isn’t properly fulfilled.

Naturally, no game would be complete without its NPCs, from those boring one-liner characters to a whole host of generically evil enemies with evil laughs and a fondness for lard in their tea (seriously). Standing at the head of the bunch is, of course, main villain Sephiroth, the silver-haired bishie who brought the leather-clad, pale-complexioned look out of the music sphere and into the world of gaming. Want to be a badass? All you need is the right look, and the tendency to turn from a reasonable if cold type into a complete psycho after finding out your father experimented on you. From then on, you must trawl across the world, dragging the head of your alien ‘mother’ with you as you massacre villages or leave them untouched on your way to a date with destroying the world. Naturally, you must always be one step ahead of the heroes, but be sure to leave them alone until they’ve levelled up enough to face you, instead strewing weaker underlings along their path to help them gain experience.

Story
From the generic to the convoluted, RPG stories have come and gone, but only FF7 offers a story so twisted that it is hard to tell how much is due to its base lack of coherence, and how much can be attributed to a translation so half-hearted that some sections simply make the barest of sense (the most memorable translation blunders include “This guy are sick” and “Off course!”).

In the world of FF7, the race known as the Ancients have all but died out, whilst the evil Shinra Company effectively controls the world, sucking life energy out of the planet with its Mako reactors whilst financing various scientific experiments. One such experiment is Sephiroth, who is injected with cells from an alien being found in a geological stratum, resulting in his eventually turning into a psychotic murderer.

After an encounter with Cloud and Zack five years prior to the start of the game, Sephiroth ‘dies’ and is either resurrected by the life energy of the planet or cloned, depending on which theory you give credence to. At this point, Sephiroth goes on a whole new killing rampage whilst his clones and Cloud (also connected to Sephiroth via experimentation) trail after him. Finally, Sephiroth obtains the Black Materia and uses it to summon a meteor to threaten the earth, in the hopes that the planet will respond and he can suck in its power to become a god for some reason. Fortunately, this meteor conveniently waits for you to complete all side quests such as chocobo breeding before reaching a critical point, and thanks to Aeris, her White Materia and a final boss battle, the Planet finds the energy to defend itself and the world is saved (although some thought humanity was destroyed until Advent Children proved otherwise).

That isn’t all there is to it, however, for other Sephiroth ‘clones’ exist, men injected with Jenova cells in order to see if it draws them to the reunion. Cloud is among these people, although with no number tattoo he is considered a failure, despite being the only person to actually reach the Reunion. Red XIII also sports a tattoo, although after this is mentioned once it is never referred to again, and seems to have no bearing on the plot from then on. Still, at least poor Red XIII turns out not to be the last of his kind when he finds an off screen mate, although where exactly she was hiding when you can go anywhere in the world by the end of the game remains a mystery.

Battle System
As with all the pre-X FF games, FF7 uses the ATB system, where both enemies and allies must stand around glaring at each other until their time bars fill up and they can move. At this point, the familiar menu comes up, enabling the player to attack, use magic or invoke any other commands at their disposal. It’s a fairly standard battle system, but in these modern times we have become so used to better and more involved ways of battling that it cannot feel anything other than slow and dull- especially as one can proceed by just selecting attack without really bothering with more advanced commands.

For those who like things a bit more complex, however, the game offers the chance to equip unique skills by way of special items known as materia. Each materia has its own set of skills, commands and stat modifications, and by placing them into a character’s weapon or armour, that character has access to the materia’s abilities and attributes. There are good points about this system, such as advanced commands like 2x and 4x-cut (attack two or four times in one attack) or interesting combinations like Added Effect+Transform (each attack now has a chance of turning your enemy into a small frog), but the materia system also comes with one big flaw- it removes pretty much all the differentiation between different characters.

Thanks to the materia system, every character is almost the same character- their only differences are the limit break attacks they can use after they take a certain amount of damage (most of which are high-powered attacks with negligibly different results anyway) and their base stats. Sadly, although a look at the menu will indeed show that Yuffie has a much higher dexterity than her peers, and that Aeris has a high magic stat at the cost of her strength, the truth remains that these stats are buried pretty deep- compared to the obvious individuality glimpsed in games where a given character has their own strengths, weaknesses and special skills, the act of equipping weapons, armour, materia and accessories effectively makes everyone much the same. All in all, I’d rather have a system where each character has their own merits, even if it means there must be utterly useless ones to balance the ‘party of 1337’ candidates.

Mini-games and sidequests: oh god, no more
I hate mini-games. Okay, so there’s a handful I like, but they’re so few and far between that for the purposes of this rant they don’t exist at all- hell, they certainly can’t be found in FF7.

• Chocobo Breeding and Racing: Alongside prinnies, grunties and the rest, I love chocobos, but when it comes to breeding and racing them, I enjoy the idea of it more than the actual facts. Yes, of course I want my own chocobo stable, but when it takes ages to catch the right sort of chocobo for breeding, and then to find the nut it needs to get in the mood, it can all get a bit tedious. Even catching a chocobo involves distracting it with greens before slaying the accompany monsters- one wrong move and the damned thing runs away.

And then there’s the process of racing them around the same two accursed courses, paying attention to speed and stamina all the while. It isn’t too hard once you get used to it, but by that time it has become so tedious and repetitive that you long for some variety in your racetracks. Worse yet, the constant shuttling between the race course and the chocobo farm, the feeding of greens in the hopes that they are actually improving the bird’s invisible stats and of course the waiting for the “you can’t breed a chocobo that just mated or was just born” message to finally go away is a formula designed to break even the most steadfast and dedicated of breeders.

If you don’t want to get your hands dirty with actual chocobo breeding, you can choose to just bet on the races, something which seems hard to get right at first, but eventually becomes easier. Even so, expect your investments to be large in terms of both time and money, and your returns to be small.

• Crazy Motorcycle: Protect your friends’ van from Shinra motorcycles by riding on your bike and beating them over the head with your sword- quite possible one of the less painful mini-games, but still drenched in a kind of endless futility.
• Wall Market: Early on in the game, Cloud must dress as a woman in order to gain entry into Don Corneo’s Wall Market mansion, a task which involves persuading a dressmaker to make you dress, not to mention some button bashing in order to win a wig in a squats competition. If you want to go even further, you must complete other mundane yet tedious fetch quest style missions in order to pick up cologne, a tiara and even some sexy lingerie. By the time you’ve accomplished all that, you’ll be happy never to look at the accursed Wall Market with its HARD GAY body builders and terrifying group bathing in the Honey Bee Inn again.
• Snowboarding: Aeris has just died and the world is in danger- what better time to go snowboarding? To be fair, this game could be quite fun if not for Cloud’s tendency to slam into everything from a tree to a snow-moogle the instant you dare to pick up some speed.
• Submarine: I loathe and despise the submarine game more than anything else in this game, because whilst it isn’t too hard after you’ve done it a few times, the stress of the first attempt always stays with you. A timed event with awful wire-frame graphics and a depressingly slow submarine trawling through a minefield in search of the enemy, the submarine game set the standard for awful mini-games for many generations to come (or at least until FFX).
• Stop that train!: In order to pick up a Huge Materia and save the town of Corel, you must fight several groups of monsters, and then button bash in order to slow a speeding train. I’ve actually never failed at this quest no matter how ineffectual my attempts to slow the train are, so it at least can’t be said to be too difficult.
• Gold Saucer: The nexus of mini-games in the FF7 universe, Gold Saucer not only hosts the chocobo racing, it also lets you replay the snowboarding, submarine and motorcycle games (why?), as well as adding some other games that can be played- all for a price, of course. Some of these, like a rock-paper-scissors style virtual battler or super dunk basketball, defy purpose, but the most notable area is the Battle Arena, in which a character must go it alone in eight increasingly harder monster battles, gaining an additional handicap in each battle. To be fair, the Battle Arena does not offer much pain beyond that of the basic battle system, but the amount of times you need to play it in order to amass the many thousands of points needed for the best prizes is just another example of how something can become when tackled repeatedly.
• Time those button bashes: At various points in the game, you must time your button presses exactly, whether to dodge rolling rocks, match your timing with an NPC, or jump onto a swinging rod. Somehow, all these instances prove to be memorable in their frustration, with specific examples of pain including a time when you must whistle for a dolphin in exactly the right place, and another instance in the same location where you have to fill your lungs to just the right amount in order to administer CPR to an NPC.
• Weapons: If all that isn’t enthralling enough, the first US release and all subsequent versions of the game include two incredibly powerful optional monsters, the Emerald and Ruby Weapons. You can either ‘cheat’ by chaining ridiculously powerful multi-hit attacks against these monsters, or if you feel like a better test of your gaming pride, you must hack away with standard attacks for hours- take your pick.
• Fort Condor: A pseudo-strategy situation in which you must spend your hard-earned cash defending a fort from endlesswaves of incredibly slow moving enemies. I managed to beat it once, but now I minimise the pain by letting my party just go in and fight the boss.

There are other side quests and secret areas to explore, but other than figuring out how to manipulate the carnivorous plants in the Ancient Forest, they lack the unique pain of the above examples.

Graphics

Behold the visuals of yesterday- and this is his more detailed form.

3D games are never destined to stand up well to the test of time, and whilst FF7 can still boast a few worthy FMVs (for some reason, the sight of chocobos racing past on the Gold Saucer date provokes an emotional reaction from me), sadly the passage of years has revealed much else to be disappointing. There are times when the characters look passable, but in other scenes they are hideously deformed polygon-deficient mutants, with huge heads and stubs instead of hands. I’d hardly expect a ten year old game to be perfect or even near realistic, but some sequences really are too hideous to behold, such as the collapse of Mideel, or Cloud falling off the bridge after fighing Air Buster.

Damn those spin-offs, will they ever end?

“…one day get some dialogue, Red XIII.”

With the world’s continuing obsession with Cloud, Sephiroth and the gang obviously providing fertile ground for additional marketing, Square-Enix realised they didn’t need to come up with new ideas when they could just keep milking old ones. Enter Advent Children, a film sequel so awful that the angry rant it inspired was too intense to even post on this blog, followed by spin-off games such as Before Crisis, Crisis Core and Dirge of Cerberus (note that the spin-offs begin with the letters A-D, leaving E-Z open for further exploitation). As we well know, there can always be too much of a good thing, and so too much of a frankly quite mediocre thing is hardly to be welcomed.

Final Thoughts
Thanks to my history with the game, I’ll never hate FF7, but whilst enough has been written about it already, the time seemed right to expound upon its many flaws. For all that this game and the FF franchise in general has done for us, the time has come to acknowledge that in terms of actual gameplay and enjoyment, they still lag behind the likes of Grandia, Suikoden, Chrono and the rest.