Anime Nano: the RPG

The other day, a random remark on the Anime Nano forums gave birth to the idea of it being an MMORPG rather than a blog aggregator, and of course, me being me, I couldn’t help but think “where better to explore this idea than Tuesday Rumble?”. So, without further ado, let us explore Anime Nano: the RPG!

Choose your class: The first thing to do is invest your start-up points in creating a character. The cheapest class to create is Lurker, but with a little more effort you can go for Commenter instead. Purchase your own home base (blog), and your class immediately goes up to Blogger.

Tweak your stats: The next thing to do is assign bonus points to the various stats. Available stats include “Pretentious Elitist”, “Screencap Frenzy”, “Blow-by-Blow Summariser”, “Overanalyser”, “Straight Reviewer”, “Flame Baiter” and “Merchandise Whore”.

Time to play!: Now you are finally ready to step into the world of Anime Nano: the RPG. Much of the game is spent in blogging dungeons, using your abilities to hack and slash at endless waves of Flamers, Spammers and Trolls. The number of successive combo attacks you are able to perform in battle is determined by the number of hits your blog receives divided by one hundred; if you don’t have a blog, you can only ever perform a single hit combo.

Advanced Play: For those familiar with the game’s system, there are other, more advanced game play options to exploit. Form a permanent party by recruiting other writers to your blog, or a temporary one for multi-blog articles. Form trading alliances with links, or even declare war on other blogs. Whatever you do, avoid getting hit with the Hiatus status effect, since it usually leads to a slow and painful death.

Romeo X Juliet: X-treme(-ly over the top) version

After the revelations of episode seventeen, the time came to wonder- just how many more twists could the Romeo X Juliet anime throw our way? The only way forward, of course, was to delve deeper and come up with some of the more outlandish ideas the writers may still have in store.

• Romeo and Juliet are actually (half) brother and sister, making their entire love story completely incestuous.
• Hermione is actually Juliet’s half-sister, or at the least an adopted commoner who was switched at birth with Emilia.
• Cordelia (or perhaps Reagan) is the real Juliet, and Juliet is just a random generic.
• Antonio, Curio and Francisco are all Montague’s illegitimate sons.
• Romeo is not Montague’s son at all, since Portia had a one night stand with Conrad.

Reideen Again

“Look, girls!”

“Huh, who cares?”

“Well, there’s one other place, but it isn’t what you’d call practical or comfortable.”

“Yeah, Jack Squat’s a great guy, unlike his better known yet more offensive cousin.”

“Let’s have Pleasure!”

A new form of Hyper Self Pleasure is developed, code-named God Bird.

(”Did he break his arm having Hyper Self Pleasure?”)

It wouldn’t be Reideen without the damn swearing.

Even so, some people are trying to tone it down.

“Someone went and used a Qwack-o-Ray on us!”

Random Thoughts: Shinji, Asuka and Rei

With the upcoming release of the Rebuild of Evangelion movie, we decided to interview Shinji, Asuka and Rei on their hopes for the new movie series.

So, guys, what changes would you like to see in this remake?

Shinji: I definitely want to be kicking more backside! Let’s stop with this whole whiny Daddy’s boy thing and get me out there beating up bad guys with the best of them!\r\n

Rei: I’d like to actually have some skills instead of training for months and still having the lowest synch ratio.

Asuka: I should totally be the star this time around!

When you look back on the original series, do you feel that it has held up well, or was it even any good in the first place?

Shinji: I think mistakes were made and some things went wrong, but the fact that we were able to capture the public imagination so much has got to count for something.

Rei: I don’t care either way, really.

Asuka: if you ask me, everything went downhill when Shinji’s synch ratio overtook mine. Before that, I was in charge and everything was cruising along smoothly.

Has Eva’s continued popularity helped or hindered your careers?

Shinji: I’ve never really been able to escape the typecasting, which is a shame because I really wanted to try my hand at the whole outgoing shounen hero thing.

Rei: It was really a boon for my career- I got some choice roles like the part of Yuki Nagato on Haruhi, for example.

Asuka: I don’t know why, but everyone really goes for the Rei type- I can’t seem to get out of her shadow.

How would you respond to the people who say “enough is enough, let the damn franchise end already?

Shinji: I’m just glad I got to do something different in Angelic Days, which wouldn’t have been possible if the franchise hadn’t ballooned the way it did.

Rei: The revenue generated from PVC figure sales is really helping my bank balance, even if Gainax and the sculptors take a healthy cut of the profits.

Asuka: Enough is never enough! I’m never giving ground to those up and coming newbies!

Now for the individual questions. Shinji, can you shed some light on your apparent father complex?

Shinji: I do not have a father complex! I’m telling my dad about this!

Rei, was your emotionless performance a challenge to your skills, or did you long for more of a stretch?

Rei: At the time, I really wanted to be able to cut loose and show my emotions a bit more, but now I’m glad I played it the way I did, because it’s made me a really memorable character. Anyone can be a silly little girl, but playing it cool is a lot harder.

Asuka: I hope you weren’t referring to me just then!

Asuka, how did you react when you found out your character’s depressing back story?\r\nAsuka: It was a bit of a comedown- all this time I’d been feeling superior to the other two, and then it turned out I was as messed up as they were!

Well, thank you- we hope to have all of you back for more interviews.

This Week in Anime

Here we see fruit in its natural habitat.

An innocent slice of orange is impaled on the edge of a glass by an apple supporter.

“Just a little further…I can make it out of here!”

Heroic Age maintains its reputation for wide-wide-wide-angle shots.

Fat cat checks in on developments in Kaleido Star.

Nut forces threaten to overwhelm our leads.

Anime World Tour: Record of Lodoss War

Ever fancied dropping in on a world of classic fantasy? Why not try the so-called “cursed island” of Lodoss? Learn magic and swordsmanship from some bona fide heroes, visit classical kingdoms, meet dragons both good and evil and learn the secrets of elves and dwarves with our all inclusive trip to Lodoss Isle! Worship at the shrine of Marfa, participate in one of the many chaotic wars that plague the Isle, attend parties held by legendary kings and fulfil all your classic fantasy desires in one go! Who know, you may even find yourself on a heroic quest of your own!

OST spotlight: Heat Guy J

Heat Guy J is an odd soundtrack indeed, combining elements I usually wouldn’t have time for, such as looping and often random electronic themes, bagpipes and the dreaded J-rock to make something that actually has some catchy themes. I have to admit that there are stretches where you’ll just blank out and not really listen to it, but the sheer energy with which its quirky and often discordant themes are presented is enough to make it extremely catchy in places. One to at least try out, even if it doesn’t really suit your tastes, not to mention oddly reminiscent of the Noir and RahXephon music at times.

Notable tracks: Tribe, Rainbow Gate Park, Backstreet Guys, Black Box

Mini-editorial: Does commercialism exclude art?

A rather pretentious sounding title if you will, but let’s just go with it for the moment- do the needs of fulfilling an order for twenty-six (or however many) animated episodes on a given budget (whilst getting ratings and selling merchandise in the process) prevent any sort of artistic vision from being realised? Even if one retains the core essence of the original concept, does compromise prevent it from being the True Series it could have been? Is the integrity of a piece always destined to ever be compromised by the desire to pander to the audience? Can any anime, apart from perhaps Voices of a Distant Star, be said to be proper “art”, undiluted by the need to make money?

Then again, is making it for an audience merely a key element in the creation of so-called art? Aren’t plays written for people to come and watch, paintings created to sell and put on exhibition? Does it matter if a few elements are changed, as long as we can communicate the core essence of our vision to others? Can we possibly hope to use this line of argument to justify the creation of a model kit seller like Gundam Seed Destiny?

In the end, as we learn from Animation Runner Kuromi, the vast majority of anime is not meant to be high art, it’s just business. But if we can appreciate artistic qualities within it, does it really matter how they came about?

Harem of the week: Ayato Kamina (RahXephon)

The slowed down time of Tokyo Jupiter may have messed up his life, but Ayato was still able to connect with women from both his past and present.

Harem

Reika: The mysterious girl who guides the plot whilst having a deeper significance.

Megumi Shitow: The energetic and argumentative “friend your own age” type.

Haruka Shitow: The older woman, also with plot significance.

Quon: The second mysterious girl, fond of talking in riddles.

Fashion Police: Shigure

This week, the Fashion Police are after Kenichi’s Shigure for a double offence, starting with her default outfit. Her hair is at least nice and she does carry her costume off with confidence, but seriously, what’s up with that fishnet top and cerise tunice, not to mention the fact that certain screenshots seem to indicate that she isn’t in the habit of donning underwear?

Then we move onto this, her revealing “bandages only” swimsuit, surely in danger of unravelling whenever she performs strenuous martial arts.

Fashion sense: C

Amusing Search Terms

Old favourites: bouncing breasts

virtual sex: At least search for the real thing.

rpg maker 2003 harry potter games: Anything has to be better than EA’s efforts.

utawarerumono sex scenes download: You want them and don’t have them, I don’t care about them and have them on my computer. And no, I’m not uploading them.

tyou toube porn: is this the next evolution of you toube?

anime panty shot: These days, this seems tame.

walkthrough ( puzzle ARIMASU ): ???

super b train: Go! Super B Train! Gattai!

all grunty: It’s all grunty, all the time!

azure- nude.net: Is this domain taken? Will I get more hits if I use it?

gay movie maker: A very specialised version of Windows Movie Maker, it turns any movie into a gay love scene.

“marie zhuge”: A distant descendant of Liang himself.

evil teenager anime: Damn those evil teens.

Back by Popular Complete Lack of Demand, Amusing Spam

“were to sky dive…

The period of perpetually digging up dependable opinions having to do with this topic have ended….”

I agree, it’s time to stop investigating where to sky dive and just stick with the places other people used.

“emeraldrocks…

Once you totally appreciate this, you will be able to work more effectively….”

I hope so.

“home business…

Sometimes, you”ll become overwhelmed by the enormous quantity of attitude information out there….”

Yeah, I know.

“Our ambition is to point you in the right direction for sex investigation….”

Good for you.

“vegetable diet soup…

The normal everyday fellow would be under the impression that investing the time to obtain intellect on this topic of interest is a waste of resources….”

But vegetable diet soup is such a worthy topic! I have so much more to say about it

“fast weight loss diets…

It can occasionally get difficile to set apart the valuable diet soda info from the bad….”

I agree, there’s just so much information about diet soda out there.

“hallo everybody users of site azureflame.ikimashou.net I not so a long ago I live in Oshkosh

and so, that I divided with dear a man, Paul/Lisa – Craigkon, and now try to find him, last that I know so it that he lives in citi, and often vi

sits the resources of type your azureflame.ikimashou.net, names on itself Leeporkon

, if suddenly will see this nik write that this man contacted with me . I very much I miss without socializing with this man.To reason wanted to say thank you and to wish successes to the team of developments and web masters your resource. So to hold boys. Only little request of,sdelayte more graphic arts on pages on a subject”

I got several spam of this type, all looking for a different person.

“The plan of bonification of Telextreme is fantastic, therefore with few indications you can form a net of distribution of much success and excellent financial return. Visit:”

I so want to be a part of this…whatever it is.

Ever felt that there wasn’t enough to Chevalier? Maybe you just wanted the HARD GAY scenes to be shown onscreen? If that’s the case, then you won’t want to miss this exclusive look at the scenes that never made it into the broadcast version.

Scenes included:

• Orleans’ final HARD GAY with Broglie.
• An extended flashback about the intimate relationship Teillagory had with his son.
• A lengthier explanation as to why Robespierre suddenly had to leave this world.
• Teillagory training young d’Eon and Lia with his old antique.
• A hilarious “light” segment in which d’Eon desperately tries to avoid Anna’s pursuit through the city.
• Increased screen time and back story for Giuseppe and Lorenza.
• More convenient escapes by carriage.

Sadly, Louis and Broglie doing the deed will never be made available, due to potential audience trauma.

Disgaea: Pizza Version

Remember Pizza Shack’s Teriyaki Pizza, or that “hilarious” pizza in the face incident in the anime? With these in mind, it seems clear that Disgaea should be the latest franchise to gain a “Pizza version”.

In Disgaea-Pizza version, Prince Laharl awakens from a two-year nap to find that the pizza industry has gone to hell. Desperate to bring order back to the chaos, Laharl vows to build a pizza empire unlike any ever seen before. By recruiting new characters and their knowledge of recipes and pizza-making techniques, Laharl can build up his pizza company, participating in “pizza contest” battles along the way, in which his party must rush to assemble fast food orders before the enemy destroys all the ingredients. Lose, and game over is signalled by a pizza in the face.

Nana

“My on/off switch is there.”

“Stop resisting and just fondle my breasts!”

“Friends always do this kind of thing.”

“Maybe if we were in private, I would grope you.”

“Just do what I say, or I’ll tell everyone here that you have an Ezo!”

“It’s a proper Liang!”

“Newsflash- women don’t have Liangs in the first place.”

Random Thoughts: Ash

This week we talk to Ash from Phantom Brave! Ash, did you ever feel annoyed at being a main character who died in the first scene?

Dying is always a bummer, but when you think that it could have been the end of my career, I’m happy that I was able to accomplish so much even after my demise. I hope that this will inspire others not to give up just because they were killed off.

You can be honest here- how do you cope with Marona’s endless optimism?

I do wish she’d think of herself a bit more, but her attitude is all part of her charm. I’d say it’s because of the differences in our personalities that the two of us work so well together.

How did you come up with your battle cry?

Do you like it? I spent a while thinking it up, and I was just delighted when I got the chance to finally start using it in battle. “You’ll go no further- for her sake, I will not fail!”

How do you rank yourself against the other Nippon Ichi lead characters?

The girls are great, of course, but when it comes to the guys we have a bit of a rivalry going on. I’m pretty sure I’ve got the edge over that arrogant Laharl and heroic Adell- and as for Zetta, well, he’s a book!

And finally, what would your feelings be if a sequel to Phantom Brave was announced?

I get the feeling Nippon Ichi have told our story, and that if they made a sequel it would have new leads, but as long as I got invited back for a guest appearance I’d be happy.

This Week in Anime

The love-child of Mokona and Moo-chan is revealed.

Sharing apples is a good way to get to know someone.

Once you become a princess, HORSE is readily available.

Ray Mears offers some more survival tips.

Anime World Tour: Chrono Crusade

Welcome to the Roaring Twenties, although perhaps not quite as you read about them! If you thought it was all about Prohibition, gangland wars and dancing the Charleston, then think again, because here in the good old US of A we also have a brand new pastime- summoning demons! Anyone wishing to dabble in the demonic arts should take care, however, for these fiendish beasts have a mind of their own- be sure to bring along plenty of holy objects and sacred bullets to make sure they do your bidding. Prospective visitors are also warned to be on the lookout for a young blonde nun named Rosette Christopher, since all reports indicate that the chances of personal injury are greatly increased in her presence. Please exercise caution, but don’t be put off from visiting- after all, where else can you hear the angelic tones of Azmaria?

Mini-editorial: Pride, Depth and Entertainment, a.k.a. commenting on dorama from a safe distance

Blogging dorama comes and goes, and over the past week it has condensed around two ideas- first the question of whether we should be proud of our anime viewing, and second the Owen-inspired mess of whether anime is deep or entertaining. As part of the ongoing mission of keeping this section relevant, let’s briefly deal with them both.

First, the issue of pride- should we openly embrace our love of our hobby, or should we hide it away like the otaku losers we all are? Does the fact that anime is, as Drm calls it “a slightly better cartoon” often aimed at young people mean that we must hide our association with it away? Can one really ogle the large “melons” in the likes of Tenjho Tenge and then try to convince the acquaintances who already think that it’s all Pokemon and tentacles that you aren’t immature, perverted or both?

Personally, if someone asks me about my hobbies, I probably will mention anime- the only reason not to is because I can’t be bothered to explain what it is (yet again). I’m not going to go on about it all the time or force it down people’s throats, but if it comes up in conversation, then so be it. Of course, there are some things that still don’t seem right to be admitted in casual conversation, such as writing HARD GAY parodies or playing eroge, but ultimately, whilst losers can watch anime, watching anime cannot magically make you a loser.

And so we move onto the whole talked to death “deep or entertaining”, to which we can conclude that whilst all anime is intended to be entertaining (although you’d have to go pretty far to find someone who is genuinely entertained by Shining Tears X Wind), only a small fraction of it will ever be thought-provoking and “deep”. In the end, though, the important thing is to enjoy it- else why are you watching it?

In Your Reflection

This week we see a head-to-head between two blonde beauties- R.O.D. TV’s Michelle and Aria’s Michelle. Both are gentle, soft-spoken and optimistic, but are able to inspire the respect of everyone around them.

Fashion Police: Adell

This week, the Fashion Police are in pursuit of this individual- the main character of Disgaea 2. Everything about him seems to be a poor fashion choice- the sleeveless shirt with huge collar, the inexplicably large tie, the pointless belt, the baggy trousers, the bare shoulders, the wrist guards and the loafers- why, why, why?

Fashion sense: D-

Amusing Search Terms

Mai-Otome diaper: Mai-Otome themed diapers? Now that’s going too far.

Naisho No Count: What? Is this a manga?

tsubasa reservoir chronicle convoluted

tenitsu x suzaku: Now, now…Suzaku is clearly HARD GAY.

iroha caitsith English: When do Iroha and Cait Sith go together?

sex rumble rumble rumble: Get ready to rumble!

tsubasa broglie: Chevalier Chronicle

Animes having sex: I told you before- anime can’t have sex.

hard gay without his glasses: We don’t deal with Hard Gay here, only HARD GAY.

photobucket h-game: Right…

CLAMP Tsubasa Acid Tokyo Cover: Sometimes I wonder if CLAMP really are on acid.

harvest moon year 2007: Imagine playing Harvest Moon for 2007 game years. I’ve sworn to never play again after only 3 years.

gay dynasty warriors: Zhang He.

anime resimleri: Another “what?” is in order.

]]> http://azureflame.dasaku.net/2007/08/07/tuesday-rumble-august-7th/feed/ 4 http://azureflame.dasaku.net/2007/07/31/tuesday-rumble-july-31st/ http://azureflame.dasaku.net/2007/07/31/tuesday-rumble-july-31st/#comments Tue, 31 Jul 2007 10:43:32 +0000 Karura http://azureflame.ikimashou.net/2007/07/31/tuesday-rumble-july-31st/ (For some reason, the anime blog scene has been overtaken with ideas about how to find love (in the 3D sense), and so I will impart a small bit of advice to the guys- go to dance lessons. I know you’ll now be thinking how much less appealing this is than some MANLY team sport, but let’s just think for a moment about which sounds more HARD GAY- getting into a close hold with a (hopefully) beautiful woman, or getting naked in the locker room showers with ten other guys?

Anyway, the advantages of attending dance lessons are as follows-

• Women will always, always outnumber men at the lessons. That means you get your pick of single ladies (note: do not try to compete with the good looking male instructor).
• Women will be impressed if you can dance, since it’s a rare skill among men.
• If all goes well, you’ll know how to dance in plenty of time for your wedding.

Ideas for Phantom Brave 2

I know manga disagrees, but I enjoyed Phantom Brave, and yet the basic system was also in need of some improvements. Here are a few suggestions for making Phantom Brave 2, without simply answering “Makai Kingdom”

• Bring back ranged attackers; seriously, what was with the lack of gunners and proper archers (I can hardly count an archer who only has a bow attack when unequipped).
• Add riding animals such as horses for characters to get on and increase their range/attacks.
• Make it easier for a character to extend the number of turns they are on the field through levelling up.
• Encourage use of Putty and Owl types by creating optional maps where only those classes can be used.
• Increase the number of available Boar type classes.

Bokurano: Gonzo endings predicted

By now, we all know that the Bokurano director doesn’t want to permanently kill off all the children, and that as long as it doesn’t involve magic, the mangaka doesn’t mind if the ending is changed. With that in mind, let’s try to guess at how it will turn out.

• The prize for winning the game is to reset the world to how it was at the beginning, or to revive the players (who cares about dead generics).
• When the players signed the contract, they actually fell unconscious and were put into a VR simulation. At the end, they all emerge from pods.
• There is a parallel universe where they are all alive and living happy lives.
• Everyone is just unconscious and sealed inside Zearth until the end.
• It was all a dream Kokopelli had in the shower.

Ayakashi Ayashi

Generic #1 expresses his HARD GAY preference.

“Attractive as you are, I won’t give in to my desire!”

“Could this be a rare woman?”

“Nope, I’m a man too!”

“You can upgrade your Rod as much you want, but it won’t improve your HARD GAY.”

“Usually you just get straight down to the Pleasure.”

The first enemy, Giant Wang, appears.

Monster Pleasure begins.

Giant Wang faces off against another enemy, Multi-Wang.

“Is he our destined HARD GAY partner?”

Monster Pleasure gets taken to the next level.

“I must join in with some Cannon!”

“I told you no good would come of this sort of HARD GAY!”

Giant Wang is defeated.

Multi-Wang strikes again.

Random Thoughts: Shion

This week, we talk to Shion from the Xenosaga games. Shion, can you explain how you got to be a first-class scientist when you seem to be largely incompetent?

Head scientists don’t need to be competent *laughs*- we just let our underlings do the work and take credit for it. Anyway, I initially got my job because my character design was much less generic than anyone else’s.

How do you explain how your character design shifted so much?

Jealous, aren’t you? I just spent some skill points on levelling up my appearance.

Did you create KOS-MOS just for HARD YURI?

No, no- of course not! …How did you know? Did you find the photos? I swear I was only trying that bondage gear on!

Do you ever wish the games had been created as they were initially envisioned, in six spacetime-spanning parts?

No, because then I would have only been in the first game, and I would never have got the appearance upgrade.

And finally- are hot pants the answer to the Xenosaga universe?

Yes- yes they are.

This Week in Anime

“Mmm, good apple.”

“Crispy and sweet.”

Oranges find a new guardian to protect their stronghold.

Don’t like oranges? Try some lemons.

Forget Cup Noodle- try some Cat Noodle.

“I shall prove myself worthy of these olives and meat buns!”

“So I just put it in the backside here, right?”

The Pizza Hut era in Darker than Black begins.

Fruits band together to make an assault on meat.

“Looks like the horse is ready and waiting.”

July Anime Awards

The “Best Anime Ever” for Consistent Quality in the Face of Declining Standards Elsewhere goes to Dennou Coil, the new best anime ever.

The Darkly Comical Award for Finding Amusement in Suicide Attempts goes to Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei for its bleak humour.

The ER Award for Longest Medical Arc goes to Saiunkoku Monogatari II.

The “Where are the Answers?” Award for Frustrating Lack of Plot Development goes to Darker than Black.

The “What the Hell is Going On?” Award for a Complete Lack of Sense goes to Mushi-Uta.

The Rail Adventures Award for Train Otaku goes to Tetsuko no Tabi.

The Predictably Amusing Award for Mild Entertainment goes to Doujin Work.

The Insomniac Cure for Dullness is shared between Seirei no Moribito and El Cazador de la Bruja. Watching the former before bed the other night was a good way to induce tiredness.

The On the Rails Award for Standard Adventures goes to Romeo X Juliet and its mining arc.

The HARD GAY Award for Effeminate Males is still held by Koutetsu Sangokushi.

The Inoffensive Award for, well, Inoffensiveness goes to Higurashi no Naku Koro ni Kai.

HARD YURI corner: Kaleido Star New Wings

Having lost her HARD YURI lover, Sora has to resort to Hyper Self Pleasure until Kalos arranges for her to have STRAIGHT with a new performer, Leon. Unfortunately, Leon decides that rival May is better at STRAIGHT, and Sora is left to continue her Self Pleasure. In desperation, she returns to Layla and even tries Yuri as a partner, but despite her continuing cheerfulness, she cannot land a permanent partner. After much training, however, she is finally worthy of Leon, but choosing him will mean giving up HARD YURI forever in favour of STRAIGHT…

OST spotlight: Fantastic Children

As excellent as the series it accompanies, the Fantastic Children OST uses haunting piano and cello themes alongside some Celtic-style tracks to weave a melancholy and poignant atmosphere. Even if you haven’t watched the series yet (and if you haven’t, why not?), this OST is a must-listen.

Notable tracks: Voyage (Cello version), Befort no Kodomo-tachi, Helga, Helga no Zensei, Helga (Cello version), Sentou, Mizu no Madoromi

Mini-editorial: Acquisition above enjoyment

There comes a stage in every collector’s life where you find yourself buying items at a rate faster than you can appreciate them, be it manga, anime or games. When this happens, one has so many unfinished games, unwatched DVDs or unread books that it isn’t hard to lose interest entirely- after the brief flicker of getting something good in the post, the item in question is merely tossed into the nearest shelf and abandoned. Is this phase inevitable, or will we always end up in a state of buying things to have them rather than to use them? Can we ever recapture the old feelings, even if it means a break from that hobby? I know this factor contributed to the close of my first gaming era, and so in this era, I’m only going to buy games once I’ve finished or definitively abandoned the ones I have.

Harem of the week: Cloud Strife (Final Fantasy 7)

A man of few words and so few accomplishments that he had to claim his best friend’s memories for his own, Cloud nonetheless exuded some kind of pull over women.

Harem

Aeris: The quiet and innocent flower girl with mystical powers, predisposed towards Cloud due to her attraction to Zack.

Tifa: The childhood friend with large “melons”.

Priscilla: The young animal lover who instantly vows to marry Cloud.

Jessie: The chirpy freedom fighter with a penchant for disguises and fake IDs.

Yuffie: The headstrong teen ninja with a flippant attitude.

Barret: He may be a man, but you can go on a date with him at Gold Saucer. He may or may not like giving Cloud “gun”.

Don Corneo: Can be enticed to pick a cross dressing Cloud to spend the night with him, and may even try to land a kiss on him.

Rivals

Zack: Basically Cloud!Original version, he got the girl long before Cloud ever got his hands on her.

Fashion Police: Laharl

Sorry, Disgaea, but the time has come to send the Fashion Police into the Netherworld, and their first target is none other than demon Overlord Laharl. Although a flowing scarf can be used to compensate for a multitude of sins, nothing can completely erase Laharl’s crime of fabric (or rather lack of it). Yes, taken on their own the shorts and shoes are not too bad, but when reconciled with the fact that there’s a lot of skin showing and not really much else to the outfit, the time comes to declare that the heat of the Netherworld is nothing compared to looking well turned-out and presentable.

Fashion sense: D

Amusing Search Terms

You toube is back! I feel as if I’ve been reunited with an old friend.

azure alternative: Offering an alternative to Azure Flame- not reading Azure Flame.

pink toube: Only pink videos allowed

romance, words, thoughts: “I love you”

nanoha parodies: Always wanting more parody.

RPG maker beyblade sprites: Once you mention it, Beyblade never fully goes away

Added a new parody movie to the movies s: Did you? Good for you.

rpg maker xp resources blood: Actually, I did work on some blood splatters a while ago.

virtual sex: Let’s all have a good laugh

watch tenchi forever online: I know they mean the film Tenchi Forever, but it amuses me to think that they want the ability to watch Tenchi indefinitely.

techniques to give a gay man pleasure: As I said before, he likes it from behind.

.hack// incest: Also known as Legend of the Twilight.

anime having sex: Anime can have sex now? Is manga its partner?

“foreign demons”: damn those foreign demons.

what is the code for azure flame: Use the secret knock to gain access to our headquarters.

yuri sora festival: What is this?

toki packaging: Packaging for a clock?

great doctor in romance three kingdoms: This makes me think that Doctor Who is going to visit the Three Kingdoms era…actually, that’s not a bad idea.

anime desire angel: Heavenly Pleasure.

touka broken utawarriors: How can Touka be broken?

gundam seed gay: You know the reason Kira never touched Lacus was because he wanted Athrun.

manga art large boobs: Tenjho Tenge.

gay bold: Better than gay italic.

runner: how does this simple one word search reach my blog?

“We’ve noticed that customers who have expressed interest in “Tokyo Mew Mew Vol. 2: v. 2 (Tokyo Mew-Mew)” by Mia Ikumi have also ordered “Essentials of Genetic Engineering” by S.K. Jain. For this reason, you might like to know that this book is now available. You can order yours for just £51.94″

I wonder, do people who buy the same manga as me get recommendations for physics textbooks?

Soutetsu no Aquarion

Welcome to a brand new anime fusion, one that sees Soutetsu Ibaragi of Iroha take over as commander of the Aquarion team. Obsessed with finding the perfect gattai, Soutetsu invites the bishiest looking teenagers to ride on the Aquarion, but who will be worthy of “riding” with him?

Pilots

• Akidzuki: A moody teenager with the most potential. Said to be the reincarnation of a legendary samurai.
• Kanna: A HARD GAY English boy who is clearly attracted to Akidzuki.
• Kakunojo: One of the rare women on the team- she vies with Kanna for Akidzuki’s affections.
• Shiranui: Not a particularly skilled pilot despite being obsessed with Gattai.
• Ebisu: A secretive pilot with a crush on Kakunojo, provides the obligatory character death partway through the series.

El Cazador del Taco

Forget El Cazador de la Bruja, this season the one to watch is El Cazador del Taco (The Taco Hunter), an adrenalin-filled tale of action, betrayal and oh-so-delicious tacos! Following the abrupt death of Amigo Taco Manager Schneider, his adopted daughter Ellis and young delivery girl Nadie find themselves in possession of his secret recipe for Ultimate Tacos. Chased by jealous former Amigo employees and rival companies such as Rosenberg Snacks, Nadie and Ellis begin a desperate journey south, hoping to protect the secret recipe until it can be delivered safely to the new Amigo Tacos production factory.

Heroic Age

“These wide angle shots are brilliant- it means we don’t have to draw detailed characters anymore!”

“RAGING HARD-ON- Utawarerumono style!”

“I told you training monkeys for battle was a bad idea, but no, you just had to try it!”

“Monster HARD GAY!”

“Is there a battle going on, or is it just the glow of distant fireworks?”

“THIS IS SPARTA!”

“If the monkeys aren’t working, maybe it’s time to get Tom, Dick and Harry in on the action!

“Cameraman, you’re getting too close again! Pull back!”

Random Thoughts: Rin Tohsaka

This week we catch up with Rin Tohsaka of Fate/Stay Night! Rin, did you ever feel annoyed that you had to play second fiddle to an inferior character like Shirou?

We all hated it, of course- having better personalities and character designs than him, but still having to play second fiddle to his pathetic ideas of justice and women taking the back row! Still, I got my revenge in the end, although I can’t tell you the things I forced Archer in order to humiliate him.

What was your motivation behind joining Shirou’s harem?

Purely screen time- I’d do anything just to increase my exposure and thus my fanbase.

Would you mind dishing the dirt on that whole “restoring mana” scene?

Well, since you ask, let me tell you this- Saber’s muscles aren’t just for show. She can go for hours!

And finally, what are your plans for the future?

I’ve been contacted about having an important role in a project called “True Fate” (working title), but I understand the creator is busy with other things, so it’s taking a while to actually come to fruition.

This Week in Anime

Freedom- home of Cup Noodle.

Do you like Cup Noodle?

“We all love Cup Noodle!”

Victory- made possible by Cup Noodle.

Ukyo dispatches an apple on an important mission.

The animators got bored after drawing two brown dogs, and gave up before the third.

“Don’t kill me- I’m an important dog!”

“You look like a common or garden generic brown dog to me!”

“How about a lovely cup of tea?”

Beware- fruit is always watching you.

Game World Tour: Disgaea

Fancy a trip to the Netherworld? Don’t delay because you’ve convinced yourself the conditions will be hellish- we actually have plenty to offer. Make yourself at home in the comfort of Overlord’s castle, where dedicated Prinny slaves will see to your every need. Venture out in the surrounding region to enjoy picnics and day trips, with all manner of exotic wildlife to observe (note: most plant and animal life is dangerous and liable to attack, so be sure to having a working knowledge of armed combat and/or magic before going outside). See how our judicial system works by dropping in on the Dark Assembly, explore the world within an item in the Item World, or just sit back and have your injuries healed by the experts at the Netherworld Hospital (fee required).

For the rare few who find themselves dissatisfied with the service offered in the Netherworld, the Dimensional Gatekeeper offers passage to the heavenly world of Celestia and even a connection to Earth via the Stellar Graveyard.

OST spotlight: Disgaea

Tenpei Sato helps to make Disgaea what it is with his excellent soundtrack, a collection of energetic and slightly offbeat themes, from orchestral marches to an understated lullaby with just the right touch of evil. Not every track hits the mark, with Mid-Boss’s operatic stylings overstaying their welcome, but overall this soundtrack is as quirky, catchy and addictive as the game itself.

Notable tracks: Laharl-sama no Sanbika, Hell’s Whisper, Mischievous Demon’s Footfall, Hysteric Kingdom, A Dark Race Becomes Magnificent, Witch Hunting, Beautiful Round Dance, Tomo Yo, Akai Tsuki, Running Fire, Planet X

Mini-editorial: Gaming- fun or completion?

The question this week is one to be debated just for fun- when you play games, is it more about enjoying them, or playing them to completion so that you can say you’ve finished them and never touch them again? I have to admit that for me, the latter was most important for a while, and even now there are games I persevere with just for the satisfaction of knowing they are finished, but even so, the end of the “First Gaming Era”taught me that collecting and playing games just for the sake of it soon ends in disillusionment and disinterest. And after all, whilst it seems all too easy to fall into this frame of mind (especially as you are equally likely to lose interest in a game if your relationship with it drags on for too long), if you aren’t enjoying yourself, why are you spending your spare time playing games anyway?

In Your Reflection

This week we have a head-to-head between two feisty blondes- Shinku of Rozen Maiden and Rozalin from Disgaea 2. Aside from their predilection for gothloli style dark red dress, both are headstrong females who find themselves bound to the male lead via a contract, and who wish only to meet with their mysterious fathers.

Fashion Police: Cloud

Since it’s beginning to get hard to find visual resources for Arc Twilight of the Spirits, I’ve decided to move on and take a look at another fashion-starved RPG- Final Fantasy 7. First up is the lead, Cloud, and whilst he may not look too bad at first glance, there are many things we must question. Why the baggy trousers? Why the one-sided ugly tin-plate should guard? Why the lack of sleeves and pointlessly spiked gloves (they look pretty stiff, for one thing)? And most of all, why would anyone strip the dead body of their best friend and put their clothes on?

Fashion sense: D-

Amusing Search Terms

who will tenchi marry: so far, no one

romeo gay anime: He’s more into HORSE than HARD GAY, to be honest.

“SchoolMate”: ???

Asking where you can find Mai Otome Zwei: will earn you six demerits.

hard gay soldiers: That’s every soldier, then.

ROMEO AND JULIET – FREE MOVIE PICK: I pick none of them.

hard might gai otakon 2007: I don’t really recall mentioning Otakon.

man watches horse do girl: you sick pervert.

how to draw cute anime dogs: start with Potato.

bathing scene rpg: Do you really want to go to all the effort of bathing scene tilesets and sprites? Just watch a fanservice anime or something.

cross dressing anime blog: Just for the record, I don’t dress as a man.

“boss audition”: audition now and you too can be a boss!

anime blog hard: Work hard, play hard, blog hard.

bondage action figures: admit, tj, you searched for this.

rahxephon ecchi: “Would you like to see my ‘RahXephon?’”, he whispered, pulling down his trousers.

hige and blue: Bluebeard?

tenchi airship: there was an airship?

manga+cats+girls: equals manga catgirls.

Busou Renkin penis episode: although we never saw them, they were never far from the thoughts of our characters.

akane girls nude: more nudity, eh?

inspire me: why should I?

an anime that is happy: I recommend Happy McHappy’s Tale of Happiness.

beyblade hilary show breast: this is more disturbing than the other Beyblade searches.

sexy anime: “Call me Queen”.

after yaoi and yuri love: Next is…BI?

get backers gay?: Afraid so.

Fei Wong’s Villain Phrasebook

Greetings, aspiring villains of the week, month and series! Have you ever found yourself stuck for something to say in a tense situation? If so, Fei Wong’s Villain’s Phrasebook was written for you, and to show you how useful it can be, Tuesday Rumble has been given permission to print an extract from the book as special preview.

When things go wrong

Remember, you must never seem to have made a mistake, no matter how poor your judgement was in any given situation. To that end, use these catch-all phrases to shift blame away from yourself.

• “You may have won this time, Hero, but no matter- everything is going to plan!”: try to instil the impression that you know what you are doing by pretending that events are all proceeding in accordance with a higher-order plan that only you can understand.
• “You may think you have won, but this is just the outcome I hoped for!”: A stronger version of the above.
• “So, you foiled my plans for now, but I won’t give up so easily!”: sometimes, even the most skilled bluffer cannot cover up a blunder. In this case, admit your mistake but make up for it with unshakeable determination.
• “This didn’t play out as imagined, but no matter- in the end, I will be victorious!”: similarly, you can pretend that there is simply no need to sweat the small stuff- the means are unimportant since the outcome will be to your advantage.

Dealing with underlings

Underling incompetence is something you will inevitably come across, and you must be prepared to deal with it. One method is to simply kill the offending minion, but if you wish to let them live, you must have a good phrase with which to do it.

• “I will give you another chance, but mark my words- fail me again and your will adorn a spike on the castle gates”: threats of physical violence are an invaluable motivational aid- feel free to be creative and replace the second half of the sentence with your favourite punishment.

• “I will give you a new weapon with which to complete your task, but this time, I expect results!” A catch-all phrase for upgrading the underling with your latest device or transformation.

• “Remember, the lives of your family depend on your success.”: if the underling cares little for their own safety, motivate them by threatening their nearest and dearest.

• “If you ever want to see your son again, do exactly as I say!”: similar to the above- use variations on this phrase to “encourage” an underling who has started to sympathise with the heroes.

Explaining your goals

Any villain worth his salt should be able to set forth his aims in a clear and coherent manner, and these phrases will help you do just that.

• “This world is in chaos and disorder; I must replace it with a new and better one.”: the perfect excuse for destroying the world.
• “Humanity has become tainted and corrupt; they need a new order.”: insist that you are taking action for the good of everyone.
• “This is my centuries-old destiny.”: if in doubt, just shift the blame to the people who came before you- you are merely fulfilling their wishes.

We hope you have found these extracts useful, and encourage you to order your copy of Mr F.W. Reed’s work from your local bookseller.

How to spot a Darker than Black cat

As felines become ever more powerful in our world, it becomes imperative to know how to tell between an ordinary and fairly harmless black cat, and a powerful darker than black cat. Here are a few tips to help you identify whether your cat is merely black, or a sinister darker shade of black.

• Observe your cat in a dark room- if it seems to form a hole in space into which you will inevitably drawn into, it is darker than black.
• A DtB cat is more intelligent than an average cat, since it is linked to a wireless network containing part of its consciousness.
• DtB cats are especially lazy, and will tend to grow fatter over time (may require long term observation).
• DtB cats are also particularly evil, and have acquired a taste for human flesh. Observe your cat when it is in a playful mood- will it react to cat toys and pieces of clothing, or does it only go after human flesh?

Nodame Cantabile 21

Such baseless accusations.

“Did you like your first taste of HARD GAY?”

“Seduced by my manly charms, he gave himself up to bliss.”

“It was the best HARD GAY of my life!”

“If only I was more than a passing character of little plot importance.”

Nodame’s piano somehow transports to a psychedelic location.

Koutetsu Sangokushi no Go

“He’s the best Go player I’ve ever met- a 9-dan!”

“For within it dwells the spirit of Fujiwara-no-Sai!”

“I love Go, and yet there is more to it than a mere game.”

“…perhaps he must study shogi.”

“He was obsessed with the game.”

Random Thoughts: Athrun

This week we chat to Athrun of Gundam Seed and Destiny fame. So, Athrun, did you ever feel annoyed that you were cheated of screen time and God Mode in favour of Kira?

Of course I did! I am much bishier than he is, and an all-round superior person, but those damned writers forced me to play second fiddle to him!\r\n

So, your HARD GAY feelings towards him don’t extend across your professional lives, then?

Who said anything about being HARD GAY for Kira?

Oh, come on, everyone can see it- and no STRAIGHT man would pilot a pink Gundam.

How dare you make such accusations? Didn’t you see me with Cagalli, Lunamaria and Meyrin? I’m a real ladykiller!

I think they call this denial, but anyway, moving on…how do you justify the awfulness of Destiny?

I don’t see why I should justify it- I did the best with the material I was given, but those damned writers wanted to focus on Kira and angsty Shinn.

And I suppose the flashbacks were to help us all remember what happened last episode, in case we had forgotten.

Yeah, that’s right…now if you’ll excuse me, I have a date with Kira…er, I mean an entirely MANLY outing where we discuss girls and drinking and stuff like that. Goodbye.

This Week in Anime

Shirley (from the manga of the same name) reveals that she was a previous owner of a Rozen Maiden.

Where some villains rely on the Bank of Scotland, others prefer English money.

Kou family conference on the best techniques for disabling oranges is held in SaiMono.

“Greens to Base: we have successfully infiltrated the Red basket.”

Al offers backup to the Reds by taking out a Green agent.

I couldn’t have said it better myself.

“Now, which one shall I choose?”

“Hands off- those apples are more important than you are!”

“No, don’t put them in the mixer! They’ve done nothing wrong!”

Magatamas make a return appearance.

HARD YURI corner: Devil Lady

Jun Fudou always enjoyed HARD YURI with her friend Kazumi, but when the enigmatic Asuka Ran showed her the ways of bestiality, she became torn between the two. Desperate to keep her lover, Kazumi moved in with Jun and even suggested that they buy a double bed, although Jun sidestepped this by ordering a bunk bed.

Soon, Jun settled into a routine of pleasuring Kazumi by day and having bestial HARD YURI with Asuka by night, but it was a situation that could not last- especially as various male admirers continually tried to tempt her to BI. After various events, Kazumi finally learned bestiality in order to be closer to Jun, but died shortly after, leaving Jun to Asuka. Asuka revealed that she was the ultimate HARD YURI dream- a woman with a Zhuge Liang- but after she violently raped Jun, Jun realised she actually preferred Kazumi’s gentle touch all along. With this in mind, she killed Asuka in one last intense session of BEAST, and prepared to start a new life- hopefully finding a new lover along the way as all her male and female admirers had long since been killed.

OST spotlight: Final Fantasy VIII

Another step up from the preceding Final Fantasy OST, FF8 starts well enough with some memorable themes, but unfortunately becomes distinctly average by the end of its four disc selection. Several tracks appear to have a slightly different arrangement than their in-game versions, making them more suited for listening to outside the context of the game; all of them are synth heavy, however, although with more complex instrumentation than FF6-7. Looping is less of an issue here, although in its place the key themes are remixed many times.

Notable tracks: Liberi Fatali, Balamb Garden, Blue Fields, Don’t Be Afraid, The Landing, Force Your Way, The Man With the Machine Gun, The Extreme

Worthiness: It’s heavy on synths and remixes, but in true FF tradition it delivers some decent themes.

Mini-editorial: The dangers of pretension

It is tempting to become pretentious when talking about anything- given the right mix of rhetoric and high-sounding phrases, anyone can sound educated enough to scare off their peers. Indeed, some interesting discussion can arise out of this sort of post, but when it comes down to it, perhaps we shouldn’t lose sight of the fact that anime is not the most high brow subject matter. After all, for every Mushishi there are all too many Mahoromatics and World of Narues- light entertainment intended purely as titillation. And when you come down to it, are we writing about anything more than nice-looking cartoons designed to entertain viewers and fill half hour slots on television? To quote from Animation Runner Kuromi, “we’re not making high art- this is business”.

The point, then, is that while it may indeed be interesting to make in-depth studies and overanalyse everything, we should equally not take it all too seriously. If we can’t step back once in a while and just look at our hobby from an outside point of view, we may well end up getting too wrapped in it for our own good.

Harem of the week: Takayuki Narumi (Kimi ga Nozomu Eien)

When your first girlfriend ends up in a coma, the solution to your angst is clear- assemble a harem of devoted women to permeate every corner of your life.

Harem

Haruka: The original girlfriend and ditzy type; ends up in a coma for three years before awakening without being told how much time has passed.

Mitsuki: The rival who always had feelings for the lead, takes Haruka’s place as main girlfriend when her friend falls into a coma.

Akane: Haruka’s younger sister, has hidden feelings for Takayuki.

Ayu and Mayu: The work colleagues, one rude and outspoken, the other quiet and klutzy.

Nurses: Three nurses at Haruka’s hospital, comprising the sick loli, the sexy older woman and the shy student.

Rivals

Shinji: Former school friend with feelings for Mitsuki.

Fashion Police: Bebedora

Compared to some of the other Arc TOS designs, Bebedora may not seem too bad, but take a closer look and you have to question what the designer was smoking. Even discounting the worrying predominance of pink, the yoghurt-pot hat that covers the top half of the head and the oversized shoes, we must ask- why is there a mouth in her dress? Worse yet, in combat the mouth can actually open and close, dispensing items if needed.\r\n

Fashion sense: E

Amusing Search Terms

It seems the reason “you toube” doesn’t appear anymore is that Google now automatically gives the results for searching for “YouTube”€ instead.

hunter x hunter Chimera Ant video: how can you have a video of something that was never animated?

self pleasure techniques: lol, hahaha, lmao, etc

sex 23: what’s the 23 for? Is it the searcher’s age, the number of people they wish to do it with, or a class like “Home Improvement 101″?

romeo benvolio gay: Benvolio can only dream of stealing Romeo away from his HORSE.

Koutetsu Sangokushi gay?: Surely not.

girls hard nipples: How can I be anywhere near the top results for this search

live lolicon: :\

barren wasteland: I didn’t think my blog was that bad.

anime kos-mos naked +photos: you do know she’s only programmed for HARD YURI with Shion, right?

Shion’s Salon

Customer welfare is our highest priority at Shion’s Salon.

Welcome to Shion’s Salon, where a Higurashi style facial awaits! Experience face masks that will gently exfoliate your skin with hydrochloric acid, whilst we remove unsightly facial blemishes like your eyes, nose and lips! Observe as we whiten your teeth- after extracting them to better clean those hard to reach places! Enjoy our special needle massage, complete with free body piercings!

Once you have enjoyed your session at Shion’s salon, be sure to stop and relax in our spare stone cells, free from comfort and distraction. When the time comes to pay, we don’t even need money, for you can just as easily settle your debts by offering up your own limbs.

Book a place at Shion’s Salon today- we guarantee that your next of kin will be delighted with the service you receive!

Another satisfied customer.

Extracts from the Book of HARD GAY: Who to sleep with in SaiMono World

Shi Ryuuki: As the emperor, Ryuuki is a master of elegant and refined Sword. Said to swing both ways and be experienced in the ways of BI.

Shi Seiran: His royal blood makes him another master of Sword; however his time in exile has taught him rough and intense methods. He is able to satisfy any lover, but prefers Ensei.

Ran Shuuei: Knowledgeable in all kinds of esoteric techniques, he gets annoyed if he is not allowed to be dominant in the bedroom. Rumours claim he has mastered BI as well as HARD GAY.

Li Kouyuu: Hates women to the extent of specialising in HARD GAY. Sessions with Reishin have made him used to being submissive, but he would never openly admit that on a first date.

Rou Ensei: A rough yet passionate lover, his specialty is Staff. He works best in a group session with Seiran.

To Eigetsu/Yougetsu: A quiet and submissive lover, Eigetsu has learned his HARD GAY techniques from books rather than experience but still offers a pleasing experience for shota lovers. Feed him alcohol to turn him into the rough, aggressive and dominant Yougetsu.

Kou Shouka: His eyes are permanently closed, but he has hidden talents in the bedroom that belie his near-generic appearance.

Kou Kurou: A rigid lover who prefers standard HARD GAY techniques- not one to experiment.

Kou Reishin: A demanding lover who insists on having it his way. He likes to be called pet names in the bedroom, such as “Uncle”.

Ran Ryuuren: An eccentric lover with a fondness for trying out new fetishes; he is good for a one night stand, but shies away from long term relationships by mysteriously disappearing. A master of Flute lessons.

Kou Kijin: His mask opens at the mouth in order to better facilitate certain techniques, yet his beauty and skill is such that full HARD GAY would cause his partners to die in the throes of Pleasure.

Hyou Riou: Rumoured to be much older than he looks, Riou combines looks with experience. The lack of females in his clan means that he has mastered every possible HARD GAY technique, but he now hungers for BI.

Heki Hakumei: Still young and learning the ways of HARD GAY; somewhat angry and frustrated that the leads get more than him. Approach with caution if aiming to seduce.

Sa Enjun: A practised lover, even after his death he offered Pleasure in spectral form.

Shou Taishi: He may look old, but he can turn into a young man when Pleasure is in the offing. Take advantage of his years of experience.

Sou Taifu: A rough and aggressive lover, he likes to play bedroom games and has been known to cool the libido of an over-eager lover by throwing them into a pond.

Sa Chuushou: A chair-bound man who prefers the standard methods of HARD GAY; becomes enraged if not allowed to be dominant.

Sa Soujun: Only one step above a generic in terms of looks and technique; his Spear is adequate but he often insists on smashing wooden objects during the act of Pleasure.

Sa Sakujun: A skilled BI lover with a penchant for trying out dangerous new techniques in order to appeal to his jaded palate. Likes to savour the moment, to the extent of sometimes taking years to reach a climax.

Sa Kokujun: A weakling who only recently learned the ways of HARD GAY, he has picked up knowledge from Ensei, Eigetsu, Seiran and Ryuuren, and combines their skills into an inferior product. He is currently being indoctrinated into the ways of STRAIGHT by his wife, and so he may not be available anyway.

Sai Shou: A shrewd lover who only ever gives 80% of his full capabilities in the bedroom.

Tei Yuushun: He may look generic, but he has hidden skills that have been known to bring more powerful men to their knees.

Highlander: Search for Vengeance

“Explosions mean nothing to me- even if they are in mid-air!”

“Ah, a convenient landing point; laws of physics- suspend!”

“You don’t see this sort of thing every day now, do you?”

“Let us settle this on the wing of my plane with some efficient German Gun.”

“Mine is most definitely bigger than yours!”

“Why are bars always filled with seedy looking people? Why can’t I go and look for information in a more reputable establishment?”

Early Sword and Axe is glimpsed.

“Take this- Four-Way Spear!”

“Get this naked woman off me- I only need men!”

Random Thoughts: Soutetsu Ibaragi

After our interview with Akidzuki was published, we were contacted by Iroha’s Soutetsu Ibaragi, who wanted to set the story straight on some of the things Akidzuki said.

As the scriptwriter for the series, can you justify the series finale?

Everyone blames me for that, but I was under pressure from Sunrise to include certain ideas they had come up with during a particularly intense dango session. If you ask me, I did rather given the constraints- I had to keep the butterflies and switches in, but I was able to talk them out of the giant mushrooms.

I almost wish we could have seen that. Did you deliberately limit Akidzuki’s role to prevent the main character’s ego from getting out of hand?

Akidzuki was the main character? I always approached the series as if I was the lead.

Well then, moving on- what’s so great about BI anyway?

I can’t believe that you would question the worth of BI! It is the ultimate form of Pleasure, far beyond mere HARD GAY or STRAIGHT. BI is filled with techniques and possibilities beyond the comprehension of the mere generic- it is truly the future!

Okay, okay- so out of all the Iroha characters, which did you most want to sleep with?

I always had my eye on Akidzuki and Kanna of course, and Hijikata was a solid experience. To be honest, though, there was no one really capable of matching my prowess.

And finally, what do you think of plans to create IrohaWarriors and Iroha Tactics games in RPG Maker?

I hope I will be asked to have some creative input, and also made the strongest character.

This Week in Anime

“By the power of apples, I shall defeat thee!”

“And raise you by two bananas!”

Haseo takes on a new role as a cast member in Gunbuster 2.

Only apples can cure the pain of this washed out animation.

Persimmons continue their ascendancy.

HARD GAY corner: Gundam Seed Destiny

Desperate to quash rumours of their HARD GAY relationship, Kira and Athrun agree to separate and play at being STRAIGHT with Lacus and Cagalli respectively. Naturally, they cannot keep it up forever, with Athrun being the first one to crack when he returns to ZAFT to enjoy HARD GAY with up and coming young men Shinn and Rey.

Jealous of their HARD GAY, female pilot Lunamaria and sister Meyrin try to steal Athrun for the BI side, as does Lacus impersonator Meer Campbell. Athrun is saved from temptation by the appearance of semi-bishie male pilot Heine, but when he dies he becomes slowly disillusioned with the HARD GAY in ZAFT, eventually choosing to return to Kira’s arms.

Later, Shinn tries his own BI with Extended Human Stellar, and even falls prey to Lunamaria’s charms, much to Rey’s disgust. Fearful that his lover might actually turn to women (or worse yet, long for Athrun’s superior charms), Rey manipulates his partner with the promise of advanced HARD GAY techniques passed down by the bishie Chairman Durandal.

In time, however, both Rey and Durandal die, and Shinn, now bereft of partner, is forced to watch as Kira and Athrun have wild, passionate HARD GAY.

OST Spotlight: Windy Tales

The magic of Windy Tales can be instantly invoked by the power of this soundtrack alone, a collection of gentle piano, wind and synth that stands just as well on its own as in the context of the series. Admittedly, at times, it threatens to become a little too much like filler “muzak”, but overall the OST remains on just the right side of good, proving easy on the ears rather than dull or grating.

Notable tracks: Kaze no Hajimari, Kaze no Keiji, Kazaetachi no Kyuusoku, Kazetachi no Fuan, Kaze to Humming, Tsumetai Minamikaze, Fuujin no Ibuki, Koi Natsukaze ni Notte, Yuuhi no Iro Dake

Mini-editorial: Do we really want anime to become mainstream?

To some anime fans, it is a long-cherished dream- a world where every passing stranger knows what anime is; where DVDs and manga can easily be found in any store for bargain basement prices and merchandise litters the streets. On the surface, it may seem like a glittering reality of promise, but there are those of us who have to ask ourselves- is that really what we want?

Naturally, I’m not one to be averse to cheaper and more readily available legit goods, but I have to admit to a degree of selfishness on this point- personally, I would be happy if anime never broke into the mainstream. Yes, I know this makes me a terrible person, but it just happens to be the way I feel; there’s just something about having a hobby that isn’t infested by every bandwagon-jumping random generic out there who wants to don a pair of cat ears and scream “kawaii” every five minutes. Yes, it would be nice to have the odd real life discussion with someone who is more than an “I saw Evangelion on the Sci-Fi Channel once” fan, and it would save on explaining what anime is every time you end up in a situation where you admit to liking it, but still those initial reactions persist.

This resistance is, of course, a personal thing, but it doesn’t just come out of the blue- time and again I’ve found myself turned off franchises because of the excessive hype, and the endless shoving of them down my throat. Once, I felt fairly benign towards Harry Potter, for example, but years of cosplaying siblings and endless, pointlessly expensive merchandise has caused me to view the whole thing with emotions ranging from annoyance to disinterest. Even games which I once enjoyed lose their lustre when younger family members start continually talking about them, watching YouTube related videos and the like.

Ultimately, then, am I just pretentious and egotistical for wanting anime not to break into the mainstream? Quite probably, but aside from wanting a few tweaks, I’m happy with the way things are now. Long may we continue in a world where little kids aren’t all wearing Naruto t-shirts and throwing plastic kunai at us.

In Your Reflection

This week we see a face-off between three characters from both Code Geass and Gundam Seed- that’s right, it’s time to formally acknowledge on here that Lelouch, Suzaku and Euphemia are Athrun (with a hint of Shinn), Kira and Lacus. Yes, we’ve all known for ages, but they still deserve a brief mention in this spot.

Fashion Police: Delma

It can be hard to find appropriate clothing to wear when your skin is a hideous shade of pink, but alas, Delma makes all the wrong choices. Her lower legs and forearms are at least covered, but the scarcity of clothing elsewhere is somewhat undesirable, and relying on a purple loincloth is a big no-no- what if it comes undone in battle?

Fashion sense: F

Amusing Search Terms

Old favourites: buso renkin tokiko nude, hard yaoi, auditionsea perfect hack

darker than black nude: Did you know that Mao is naked in every episode? Now that’s extreme!

dot .hack//g.u. hentai doujinshi: Haseo X Endrance, I can see that going down.

school rumble yaoi: Or how about a spot of Harima X Hanai? Come on, we all knew that tension between them was a sign that something more was going on.

rpgmaker loli game: who gets turned on by loli sprites?

will beyblading become real: Yes- yes it will.

extreme mahjong: Beware, it’s Mahjong to the X-treme!

can beyblade kill: Yes, so don’t watch too much at once- it’s a slow and painful death akin to taking an overdose of paracetamol.

• Kureha: despite the unfortunate association with Shining Wind, I cannot help but want this.
• Himawari: I didn’t want this at first and it’s not normally the style of figure I like, but she’s just so brightly coloured, cute and energetic.
• Shenhua: the big ears are distracting but I love the costume and pose.
• Fasalina: Okay, so the boobs are totally unrealistic but I must have it- nothing shall come between me and getting this figure.

Emma parody dub: extracts

With the news that Emma has been licensed and will be released in sub only boxsets, it becomes clear that there is room for something else on the DVDs- a parody dub. Let’s take a look at what those crazy US companies might just include.

William: Yo, what’s up, Emma my girl?

Emma: Yo Bill, not much. Wanna hang out down at Crystal Palace later?

William: Sure thing, honey.

Hakim: Discount sale at Kwik-E-Mart!

Eleanor: This is such a bummer- my Bill has eyes for some maid!

Annie: Let’s teach her a lesson, boss.

Eleanor: Right on!

Bokurano alternate universe spin-offs

Welcome to a new moneymaking scheme designed to milk as much out of Bokurano as possible! In each spin-off, we focus on what might have happened in the lives of the characters if they had never become Zearth pilots.

• Waku: experience the thrills and spills as he hones his soccer skills in a desperate attempt to get into the major leagues. Will he ever play in the World Cup?
• Kodama: Now several years older, Kodama is the ruthless owner of his father’s company. Can his cruel streak ever be softened by his beautiful secretary?
• Daichi: Join him as he struggles to support his siblings through an increasingly intense schedule of assorted part-time jobs, all the while trying to get an education.
• Nakama: Can she get her fledgling needlework business off the ground, or will it all end in disaster?
• Kako: Now an adult, Kako is a lackey for the Yakuza- can he break out of the criminal underworld, or is this his ultimate fate?
• Chizu: Also an adult, Chizu must struggle with bringing up her child as a single mother whilst working in a police department designed to help women who have been the victim of rape.
• Moji: Explore the love triangle between him and his childhood friends as the trio grow up and find themselves at the same high school.
• Maki: Experience her adventures as she and her little brother get into all sorts of scrapes and mischief.
• Kirie: In the future, Kirie has put his past behind him and reinvented himself as a suave and successful playboy, but will the truth of his school days catch up with him?
• Komo: Join her as she attends music college and gives it her all in an increasingly difficult set of competitions.
• Anko: Anko has finally managed to become an idol, but is the life she dreamed of all it is cut out to be?

Shining Tears X Wind 7

Souma arranges a schedule for TANK.

“Ah, this is the life- two women to service me and I don’t even need to stir from my oversized chair.”

Somehow, Souma has earned his own office.

He’s even up to the level of mediating disputes.

Even so, it pays to have a backup job, such as playing Naruto’s understudy.

Who fancies some giant Cannon?

“This Sword is absolutely not here to compensate for any Ezo I may or may not have.”

“Oh, okay, maybe it is.”

Shinkyoku Soukai Polyphonica 2

“If you won’t join us for group Pleasure, I’ll give you a painful hand job!”

Random Thoughts: Akidzuki

This week we get up close and personal with Akidzuki from Bakumatsu Kikansetsu Irohanihoheto! Akidzuki, did you ever feel that you were short-changed as the main character due to a general lack of dialogue and development?

Of course I do, although I was lucky enough to earn myself some fangirls anyway, so even though my part in the series wasn’t much of a stretch beyond the action scenes, it wasn’t a total loss in terms of raising my profile. Now that the series is over, I might as well admit that scriptwriter Soutetsu did offer me a bigger role, but only if I promised to give him BI- which of course I wasn’t prepared to do.

We know that much of the series saw you looking for a HARD GAY partner- why didn’t you give in to BI more easily?

I did have BI a couple of times over the course of the series, but it always seemed to end in disaster. In the end, I think it’s best to stick to your principles; even if it means you have to go without in the short term, it’s better in the long run.

How can you justify the ridiculousness of the series finale?

Soutetsu was always one to leave turning in the next episode’s script until the last minute, and in the end I think he was just casting about for ideas that would fill a few pages, regardless of how much sense they made. I just showed up and played the part I was given to get paid- you’ll have to talk to Soutetsu if you want to know more.

What are your plans now that you’ve set sail for Europe?

To get as much HARD GAY as possible, of course- and maybe star in another historical series if I can.

And finally, what do you think of plans to create IrohaWarriors and Iroha Tactics games in RPG Maker?

I’m in favour of it, although I hope I get a decent role.

This Week in Anime

Bank of Scotland becomes moneylender of choice for the modern anime character.

Domino’s Pizza launches counterattack against Pizza Hut.

How about a lovely cup of tea?

Apples make their move against humanity.

Persimmons patiently await their turn in the spotlight.

Anime World Tour: Angelic Layer/Chobits

Welcome to the world of Angelic Layer, the near future with a twist. Buy your own angel and accessories and compete in Angelic Layer tournaments, then let your imagination set the limits as you telepathically control in a fight for victory! Feel the intense pride and honour of beating 4-11 year olds at a children’s game! You know you want to!

Alternatively, travel a little further into the future to avoid the Angelic Layer craze and pick up on even more advanced technology in the form of the persocom. She looks like a girl, but she’s packed with high end operating systems- you’ll never have to choose between laptops and women again!

OST spotlight: Victorian Romance Emma Second Act- Memories

If you liked the first Emma OST, then this one is a must, offering as it does more of the same. With its range of melodic piano and beautiful folk and Celtic style themes, Emma is always easy on the ears, and even the tendency to remix the main themes cannot detract from its quality.

Memorable tracks: Silhouette of a Breeze (Celtic version), Curiosity, Rondo of Lilybell (Harpsichord version), Molders, Rondo of Lilybell

Mini-editorial: Are paid for download services ever going to catch on?

Services such as iTunes may have revolutionised the legal music downloading scene, but when it comes to anime, can it do the same? Will we one day eschew the humble DVD and its successors for hard drives filled with anime, all obtained legitimately- or is that just never going to happen?

For the more hardcore of anime fans, the prospect of paying to download must surely jar with the knowledge that if they look hard enough, they can probably get much the same thing for free, and probably several months earlier at that. Aside from those motivated by conscience, curiosity, or fans who remain blissfully unaware of the shadier side of “acquisition”, there may well be little genuine, long-term interest in such services.

Even those of us who are willing and able to buy legitimate copies of our favourite series may simply not be satisfied with just having copies of the file sitting on our computers. If you’re going to hand over money, there’s a desire to be given something tangible in return, which is where DVDs come in. Even now, I prefer to have an actual CD than a mere downloaded album, and the same goes for DVDs- if I’m paying for it, I want something I can hold in my hand, preferably with some nice cover art and an insert booklet to go with it. Yes, there are issues of storage once the collection gets too massive, but that’s something that can be dealt with one way or another.

Harem of the week: Isurugi (801 TTS Airbats)

His secret shame was that he was an otaku, but when he got transferred to an all-girl squadron, none of the lovely ladies seemed to care.

Harem

Miyuki Haneda: One of the two main rivals, tries to act like a demure lead girl but can easily roused to argue or compete with Mitaka.

Arisa Mitaka: The hot-head and second of the two main rivals, not afraid to say her piece.

Yoko: The young and slightly eccentric one.

Sakura: The older woman and calmest of the group.

Fashion Police: Maru

Apologies for the small, low-resolution picture, but give the state of Maru’s dress, the Fashion Police simply could not spend any more time looking for better photographic evidence of his crimes. A prince of a distant land who somehow ends up living in a forest, Maru may own the opposition when it comes to his archery skills, but his dress leaves a lot to be desired. Aside from the fact that he is effectively half-naked, the baggy shorts are most unflattering, and the mask he occasionally wears should have been throw away when Halloween was over. The item bags aren’t exactly high fashion either, but at least it explains where he puts his items, a change from most RPG characters.

Fashion sense: F

Amusing Search Terms

bishounen troll: beauty and the beast in one package

ＡＺＵＲＥ Coherent: A coherent wave of azure light.

final fantasy 7 yuffie materia annoying: Isn’t it just?

gender bender doujin: Always with the doujins.

Romance of the Three Kingdoms Oil Painti: You can’t move for oil paintings on this blog.

saiga rifle performance: His rifle performance is pretty solid.

“keep me hanging on” cicada: Cicadas can now be trained to chirp out songs.

final fantasy 7 hi res npc: high resolution NPCs? Shouldn’t you be more concerned with the main characters first?

mai otome yuri scene: “Shizuru bent down and lightly nipped Natsuki’s ear. ‘Stop working already,’ she huskily whispered into her lover’s ear, ‘and come and show me a good time, hot stuff.’”

novastorm historical setting: Join the Novastorm blog as it goes back in time on an exciting adventure!

spiky character Shonen Onmyoji red hair: Suzaku?

Rumble fight hacks: er, yes…

jouya kanou: ???

gay azure: Azure is a colour, I don’t know if it can be gay. “Sorry, red, but I’m attracted to other shades of blue.”

gay chibi: There are chibis for everything.

BeyBlade Friendship between Tokyo &: There is no Tokyo! Only America.

mai otome doujins: I’m only interested in the fat cat ones.

ANIME GAY TV: A whole channel devoted to HARD GAY.

lesbian yuri: What other kind of yuri is there?

beyblades season 3 kai: You write one article about Beyblade, and suddenly everyone thinks you’re an expert on it.

what busou renkin character are you?: Generic Bystander #3.

spoiler for episode 26 of vampire prince: If you mean Vampire Princess Miyu, then [XXXX] turns out to be the villain.

A guide to anime hair

Anime hair is a strange thing- it completely refuses to obey the normal laws of physics, requiring a whole new set of regulations to be written out for it.\

• Don’t worry about dye- exotic and unlikely colours can and will grow naturally. In fact, in some worlds they are more prevalent than normal hair colours. Bi- or even tri-coloured styles are also possible.
• Hair will only ever grow if the plot demands it; otherwise it just remains in the exact same style indefinitely.
• White or silver hair is not a sign of age, and is in fact desirable if you wish to look evil and mysterious.
• Hair is extremely difficult to damage, to the point where only the most damaging and stressful of situations can have any effect on it.
• When cutting one’s hair, it is imperative to just hack at it with a knife- somehow it will automatically fall into a perfect style.

Starting out in an MMORPG

You’ve just signed up for the latest and greatest MMORPG, and what you want to do now is play, right? Unfortunately for you, the creators have devised a method to ensure that you spend plenty of time and money on the game before you even get to attack your first slime.

• Installing the basic game must take at least 3-5 hours, after which you must download no fewer than three massive update packs. Trying to pause these updates and resume later will usually result in a crash that forces you to start again from the beginning.
• Once you are finally ready to log on, you must create a character from an extensive range of custom classes, as well as choose from a wide range of weapons and armour. For the indecisive, it could take up to three weeks just to settle on all the many customisable options.
• Before actually playing, you must complete a compulsory tutorial field consisting of ten separate missions.

Nodame Cantabile 16

“Are you interested in ‘blowing’ ‘instruments’?”

“This harisen is a representation of my Liang!”

“It has turned many pianists into men.”

“Their first time was painful, but they all thanked me once they had done it.”

“Except for one person, who may have been STRAIGHT.”

Nodame Cantabile 20

The purple roses signify HARD GAY attraction.

“I can’t wait any longer- I need HARD GAY with you!”

“What? Did you just say HARD GAY?”

“Stop teasing me and get your Liang out!”

Short parody: Kaleido Star New Wings

New characters Leon and May arrive.

Leon: Look at my long, lustrous hair- no one is as bishie as me. Sora, you may have completed the Legendary Great Manoeuvre, but you are nothing compared to me- get off the stage.

May: I just got here, but I’m already better than you, Sora! I’m going to be the next star!

Sora: Wait a minute- I’m the main character!

Fool: I’m sorry, but it is time for your angst arc.

Sora and May compete against each other.

Sora: It’s no good- even after proving myself a true star last year, I’m still not a true star!

Leon: Last year you got through on main character destiny alone, but when it comes to basic strength, you are still lacking. Since everyone else here is generic or a supporting character, I shall choose May to be my partner instead.

May: Yay, I’m on stage!

Leon: Oh, by the way, I’m a complete jerk who likes to mess with my partner by randomly dropping her.

Leon drops May, causing both her and Sora not to trust him.

Layla: Hello, I’m randomly back to dispense advice. Sora, even though Leon is a complete jerk, it’s somehow your fault.

Leon and May go to the Circus Festival. Sora decides to see if she can go with Yuri.

Yuri: I know I was evil last season, but that’s water under the bridge- now I’m your friend again.

Sora: Wait, this is only the season halfway point- I can’t win just yet. Instead I must forfeit the competition and enter an angst arc.

Sora goes back to Japan for some angst, before realising her place is on the stage.

Sora: I always thought my place was on the stage, but now I know my place is most certainly on the stage! Not just any stage, though, but a happy fun one full of sunshine and laughter.

Sora returns to Kaleido Stage, but her contract has been terminated.

Sora: It’s okay- I’ll do odd jobs for free! Who cars about living expenses?

Kalos: Fine- it’s just until the plot lets me hire you again, anyway.

Leon: I never respected you before, Sora, but now I see that you may be destined partner after all!

May: Hey, what about me?

Leon: Who are you again?

Leon and Sora start practising for this season’s ultimate move- the Angel’s Manoeuvre.

Fool: If you master this, you will be a True Star!

Sora: What about the Legendary Great Manoeuvre?

Fool: What’s that?

After much training, the Angel’s Manoeuvre is ready, but Layla and Yuri appear to challenge Sora and Leon.

Layla: I know I quit the stage ages ago, but I have randomly returned to challenge you, Sora!

The challenge begins.

Mia: It’s no good- Layla may have years more training, but she lacks Main Character Destiny.

Layla: Sora, you have surpassed me, as a main character should. Now I can retire- again.

This Week in Anime

HORSE is ready and waiting for anyone who wants it.

Clare gets a taste of giant apple.

Red apples are smaller, but by travelling in groups they can hold their own against their giant green cousins.

All sorts of fruits have taken to using this group tactic in order to defend against Big Green.

This is how to conclusively deal with an apple.

June Anime Awards

The Finally Finished Award for Completed Subbing goes to Aria the Natural for coming to an end almost nine months after the series finished airing- at least it was well worth the wait.

The Better than 1337 Award for Consistent Excellence is shared between Darker than Black, Dennou Coil and Emma II.

The Mediocre Looks Good Compared to this Award goes to El Cazador de la Bruja, which might have started improving over the last couple of weeks, but can be said to be exhibiting much in the way of quality.

The Gender Bender Award for Blatant HARD GAY Cross Dressing goes to Koutetstu Sangokushi for its characters of relaxed and undefined gender (what is Liu Bei? Is it a man or a woman?).

The Sumptuous Setting Award for Superior Architecture goes tro Romeo X Juliet, which boasts a nice setting even as we grieve over the loss of HORSE.

The Mustn’t Catch Up Award for Slowing the Pace goes to Saiunkoku Monogatari, as the anime puts on the brakes to prevent itself from catching up with the novels.

The I’ll Read the Manga Instead Award for Losing All Momentum goes to Claymore, now on hiatus after the dull episode eleven as I switch to the manga.

The Where’s The Plot Award for Stagnation goes to Seirei no Moribito, now mired in filler at this early stage.

Anime World Tour: Hunter X Hunter

Welcome to the weird and wonderful world of HxH, a place of bizarre creatures and powerful warriors. To get the most out of this world, learn to control the life energy known as Nen and become a Hunter by passing the yearly exam (details vary each year, so don’t expect any tips). Your Hunter license will earn you access to most places in the world, enabling you to dominate the Celestial Arena battle tower, or test your skills on real life “video game”Greed Island. Be warned, though, the world is currently under threat from the deadly Chimera Ants, so caution is advised when visiting.

OST Spotlight: Final Fantasy VII

Although this is styled along the same lines as the FF6 OST, the move to Playstation sees the music taken to the next level with some slightly more complex themes. As is often the case, the energetic battle music and poignant slower themes are the most memorable, whilst the military style tracks are the weakest. It’s somewhat rough around the edges, and can’t really match up to the later FF OSTs, but amidst some of the more pedestrian looping themes, a rare gem emerges. You’ll probably want to pick and choose your favourites instead of listening to the whole thing over and over.

Notable tracks: Prelude, Fighting, Flowers Blooming in the Church, Still More Fighting, Electric de Chocobo, J-E-N-O-V-A, Aeris’ theme, Jenova Absolute

Mini-rant: Damn you, Manga Entertainment

I rarely buy UK Region 2 DVDs anymore, but I do rent them regularly, and so it is that I must rant about the annoying defects in quality on DVDs released by Manga Entertainment- a company who promised to put in quality control in 2006 as if it was some new and innovative concept, but who actually showed no improvement even after that point.

For those who prefer dubs, Manga will not seem too bad, but switch to the subtitles, and problems begin to crop up. For starters, on-screen text is rarely translated, meaning that important plot points may well be left incomprehensible to the vast majority of viewers. What subtitles are proved are all too often riddled with errors such as inconsistent naming, whilst the now-infamous fifth volume of GITS: SAC has the text encased in irritating black bars- an error that was not even fixed in the thinpak release as promised.

Such annoyances may seem small, and indeed there are bigger things to worry about in the world, but after watching several Manga Ent. DVDs in a row, their lax approach to subtitle quality can become hard to ignore. Is it no wonder that people continue to import?

In Your Reflection

This week we take a look at two similar villains- Cell from Dragonball Z, and King from the Chimera Ant arc of Hunter X Hunter. Aside from their physical similarities, both are designed to be superior beings effectively completed from “lesser” allies (Cell needed to absorb two androids, King was born from Queen), who the heroes must eventually fight.

Fashion Police: Kharg

Last week his brother came under fire, but this time around we look at Arc: Twilight of the Spirits’Kharg, who may have gotten away with a more human appearance, but who has little in the way of dress sense. The arm guards and boots may be more dull than offensive, but choice of colours in the tunic leaves little to be desired, and the less said about those hideous shorts, the better. Why must heroes insist on wearing these schoolboy length shorts?

Fashion sense: E

Amusing Search Terms

Old favourites: rumble roses doujinshi, hard yaoi, you toube, your toube

azureflame romance: tj han is looking for romance among the female bloggers again.

common puny owl archer “phantom brave”: Make up your mind, although I commend you for playing Phantom Brave.

hard gay costume: Take your pick, but make sure it unbuttons at the rear.

.Hack G.U. hentai: Again?

how to start a diary farm: A diary about the farm, or a farm where one grows diaries?

Removing a bikini: shouldn’t be too hard if you’re the one wearing it, otherwise I can’t guarantee your safety.

yugi meto: Yugi Mutou perhaps?

were to by beyblade: u mite want 2 trie a shoppe.

anime episodes- blindfold: I don’t know if there’s much point watching anime blindfolded, although it would improve certain series.

h scenes utawarerumono walkthrough: Everyone wants those H-scenes, you perverts.

Ginga densetsu weed gay: Now, now, that was one parody where I didn’t even mentione HARD GAY.

shishi dog tattoo: My secret career as a tattoo artist continues.

anime blog maker: A brand new technology, Anime Blog Maker enables you to put in a few keywords and generate a complete anime blog with minimal effort! Throw out Wordpress and install it today!

Initiation Harem: Someone wants some harem action.

ginga densetsu weed party stuff: Hey, want to come to my Weed themed party? We’re all going to dress as brown dogs.

old romance games where girls are the bo: If only Wordpress recorded the complete sentence.

“pipe fox” plushie: How cute.

meaning of cat soup: Cat Soup only has meaning when one is taking mind-altering substances.

anime with magical violin: That’ll be La Corda d’Oro then, unless there are more magical violins out there.

gay-and-horse: HARD GAY and HORSE- every man’s ideal combination.

spells to repel evil: Evil begone!

dragon ball z hard yaoi: Someone’s really into this.

best beyblades spinning tops: Let’s Beyblade!

The lesson we must learn from this week is not to write Tuesday Rumble at the very last minute- but would you have noticed if I hadn”t mentioned it?

A guide to WOOD

Whilst the better characters take down the enemy soldiers, Hakuoro prepares himself for battle with that deadliest of foes- inanimate WOOD.

Ever since it made its debut appearance in Utawarerumono, WOOD (as opposed to plain old wood) has proven itself of a silent yet undeniable importance in the worlds of anime and gaming. Here’s a brief guide to its uses and appearances.

• In SRPGs, obstacles made of WOOD often appear, and have a variety of uses, from blocking the progress of your units to acting as equippable items. As much as it can be a deadly foe, WOOD can also be a powerful ally- for example, in Phantom Brave one can do damage in the hundreds with merely a wooden crate equipped.
• WOOD’s presence in anime tends to be more silent and unobtrusive, but even so it seems to provoke the ire of certain characters. SaiMono’s Soujun detested WOOD after he realised it was more erudite and attractive than he was, and often smashed tables and chairs for no reason. Other characters will often smash wooden objects in the heat of the moment.
• WOOD takes on especial importance in the world of Harvest Moon, where Anton must learn to chop it with his axe- out of need rather than any personal grudge. Similarly, RTS games such as Warcraft rely on units chopping WOOD for lumber.
• In fantasy worlds such as that of FFIX, advanced technology is not permitted- unless of course it is made of WOOD. Even airships can be made of it.

Parodying SaiMono Fanfiction

• Ryuuki stared out at the practice field with undisguised lust. Seien ani-ue had been the first one to enter his lonely life to show him that Pleasure could be gentle, and now that they had found each other again, he longed to pick up where they had left off. Drinking in his brother’s rippling muscles, the Emperor found his gaze drawn inevitably downwards, and felt a thrill of pleasure when he imagined being impaled on Seiran’s mighty Sword.
• “Ouch!”exclaimed Seiran as Ensei got out his weapon. “Your Staff is far too long to be waving it around like that!”

“I’m sorry,” replied Ensei, “but it’s been so long since we were last alone like this- you can’t blame me for not being able to control myself.”

• Staring down at his naked body, Eigetsu tried to console himself. “The situation isn’t so bad that I’ve had to resort to Hyper Self Pleasure, it really isn’t. I’m just satisfying Yougetsu’s desires, that’s all.”
• Reishin had waited so long for this day- in fact, it was the only reason he had taken the boy in in the first place. He had carefully supervised Kouyuu’s growth and development, ensuring that the young man never grew too interested in women; in fact, he was utterly delighted that Kouyuu seemed to actively dislike them. And now the time had come for all his hard work to pay off. “Draw your Sword, boy,” he commanded his adoptive son, “and we’ll see how much of a man you are.”

Shining Tears X Wind 4

If only the weather was so easily controlled in this world.

Wait a minute- wasn’t this a fantasy world?

“You may know it as technology, but demonic alchemy sounds more evil.”

From out of nowhere, a laser cannon appears.

Quite. Now can the series end, please?

There’s always a Lord of Chaos causing trouble somewhere.

Commence Souma’s Question Time!

Next episode: some Elf on Elf action.

Random Thoughts: Anna

This week, we catch up with Anna from Chevalier!

Anna, was it ever hard being the fiancée of a man who was so obviously HARD GAY?

Sorry, could you repeat the question? I thought I heard you say that d’Eon was HARD GAY, which can’t possibly be true.

Oh, sorry, my mistake. Well then, how did you feel when d’Eon and the others left you in France with barely any screen time?

Well, I had to come up with reasons for screen time, like writing letters to him and making sure to be in the background of any plot-related scenes back in France. It wasn’t ideal, but I did the best I could; I just don’t understand why d’Eon never wrote back to me.

I hope you don’t mind my bringing up painful memories, but why didn’t you run from Louis when he was slowly walking towards you with his sword in hand?

I was going to run away, but the director called me to say my contract with the show was up, and I was just so shocked that I couldn’t move.

And finally, what happened to your plans for a spin-off show with the Dauphin?

Oh, that’s still in the works, but Broglie seems to be delaying the process for some reason.

This Week in Anime

Shameless advertising in El-Cazador as the Noir and Madlax buildings are spotted (offering female Sword and Coca-Cola respectively).

“These fruits are just trying to live!”

“My magic CCTV setup is ranked among the best in the world!”

conference between grapes and lemons (as mediated by an apple) is rudely interrupted.

Oranges arrive in SaiMono land.

Anime Awards

Slowest subbed anime of the era goes to Love GetChu, for being behind series subbed this year.

Most sitting and talking of the week goes to Seirei no Moribito, as it continues to keep exposition as its stock in trade.

HARD YURI corner: Kaleido Star

When Sora Naegino joins the Kaleido Stage, she quickly learns the ways of American HARD YURI. Whilst contenting herself with partners Mia and Anna, Sora lusts after star Layla Hamilton, and after a great effort, manages to gain her recognition, tearing her away from a STRAIGHT relationship with Yuri Killian. Sora and Layla enjoy a brief yet pleasurable partnership before Layla injures herself in the bedroom, forcing her to retire from HARD YURI.

Whilst searching for a new partner, Sora once again makes do with her friends, as well as child prodigy Rosetta. Will she find happiness with a new HARD YURI partner, or has the time come to go STRAIGHT? Find out when New Wings makes it into HARD YURI corner.

OST spotlight: Bakumatsu Kikansetsu Irohanihoheto OST 2

A series second OST always has a hard job in following the first, but Iroha does a good job, offering a solid soundtrack that pretty much equals the first. With its period flavour and mix of atmospheric action tracks and slower pieces, Iroha continues to evoke the best of other soundtracks such as the Uta game and SaiMono, whilst standing above both those examples. There’s still the obligatory remix of the main theme, but if you enjoyed the first OST, the second is required listening.\r\n

Notable tracks: Kumikyoku Irohanihoheto ~Soutetsu~Youjirou~Kakunojou, Kouya Ruten TV Size, Yami no Kodou, Tsurugi no Sadame, Houkai

Mini-editorial: No room for B and C titles?

A couple of weeks ago, ADV told us there was no room financially to license B and C grade anime titles, a fact I made fun of on Sunday when we learned that they had licensed Xenosaga. Whilst it is obvious that no company would want to license something they would most likely make a loss on, the irony of ADV saying this is laughable at best. What kind of person considers Samurai Gun, Yugo the Negotiator, Coyote Ragtime Show, Gokujou Seitokai and Xenosaga A grade titles? Pumpkin Scissors and Red Garden at least have the name Gonzo behind them, regardless of their actual quality, but can ADV really be said to be harvesting the cream of the crop? Yes, they are putting out some very good titles, such as PPD, Chevalier, Kurau (which I would consider A-grade, but was treated poorly in terms of waiting three years after licensing to get released) and now Air, but it seems clear that despite what they say, ADV have far from learned their lesson about not licensing any old crap. Then again, what can we expect from the instigators of the Hurai Suzumiya incident?

Harem of the week: Daisuke Niwa (DNAngel)

As if periodically turning into a Phantom Thief after his fourteenth birthday wasn’t enough, Daisuke just didn’t seem to know which girl to choose- and it didn’t help that there was a boy after his affections too.

Harem

Riku Harada: The quiet and stoic one- comes from behind to steal our hero’s heart.

Mio Hio: The annoying and flamboyant one with a tendency to slip into Engrish; an artificially created life form whose feelings for Daisuke enable her to perform a bit of dues ex machine at the end.

Towa: The Eternal Guide and (much) older woman, becomes the Niwa family’s maid and also seems interested in Daisuke’s grandfather.

Risa Harada: The initial lead girl, usually quite shallow and selfish.

Satoshi Hiwatari: He may be male, but he seems to have an interest in staying close to Daisuke.

Rivals

Dark: The Phantom Thief who resides in Daisuke’s body, plays with Risa’s affections.

Krad: Dark’s nemesis, not so much interested in girls as just causing trouble.

Takeshi Saehara: Daisuke’s friend and classmate; quickly gets a crush on Mio.

Fashion Police: Darc

This week the Fashion Police have started their cleanup of the Arc: Twilight of the Spirits world, beginning with the half-human, half-Deimos anti-hero Darc. Not blessed with the best of looks to begin with thanks to his mixed heritage, choosing a questionable mixture of sandals, armour that protects the chest even as it leaves the abdomen exposed, and some sort of scarf/beach towel combination that passes as a kilt. The poor guy did try to redeem himself with wings in the first chapter of the game, but sadly they got ripped off.

Fashion sense: F

Amusing Search Terms

Old favourites: hard yaoi, yaoi episode hard, you toube sex gay, ship videos you toube

badass manly anime review marimite: MariMite, a show truly overflowing with testosterone.

hige nipples: Hige, someone’s after your nipples.

“amigo tacos” nadie: See the power of advertising- now everyone wants a taste of Taco Taco Tacos, Oishii Tacos.

underage lovers: keep your tastes to yourself.

“Yu Gi Oh”+card+appraisals+current: Yep, that’s me, a veritable fountain of up to the minute Yu-Gi-Oh information.

Lost episode 24 ending theme: Wait, shouldn’t you at least have gone to my other blog? Not that it has music information.

flamed tops boys were: don’t kept me in suspense!

Harvest moon – How do you pick up the di: Diaper? Diamond? Diplodocus?

magical gril lyrical: Coming soon, Magical Grill George Foreman!

flame work maker/ Flame word maker: Eh?

bishie deck the halls: Deck the halls with A-rank bishies, lalalala lala lala.

dark days anime: Those were dark days, almost chaotic, one might say.

+school rumble +yuri: Ah yes, that simmering attraction between Mai and Sarah.

anime cleaners: An exciting tale of cleaners, told across 26 episodes. Will they scrub the toilet first, or leave that task until later?

anime year ago: We have regular years, and anime years.

fate stay night h-scene sound: You sick pervert, you just want to hear Rin moan, don’t you?

.hack//gu Yuri: Come on, surely there are better places to look for yuri.

how to pleasure a gay lover: He likes it from behind.

rotk hentai: “Yes, your Liang is certainly Zhuge,” whispered a pleased Liu Bei…

self-pleasure art: I may have started drawing again, but not that.

If your sensibilities are not easily offended, you may find Sexy English amusing. A video intended to help Japanese speakers learn slang terms for intercourse and genitalia, it doesn’t show anything explicit, but it should still be considered NSFW.

Oh, and apparently a Tsubasa OVA has been announced. The only hope for it being any good is to not have Bee Train “animate” it (then again, Production I.G.’s Tsubasa movie was hardly stellar).

Bug Master revisited

41 weeks ago, the very first Tuesday Rumble brought us Bug Master, an imaginary edited version of Mushishi. Now we return to expand on that idea with the 4Kids version: Bug Master ~Gotta Catch ‘Em All!

An aspiring young Bug Master, Ginko longs to catch every type of Bug and become the number one Bug Master in the New York league. To that end, every week he travels around the woods and forests of America, meeting up with good American folk and collecting the Bugs he needs to enter the end of series Bug tournament! Thought you already watched “Bug Master”? Think again, because this features all-new dialogue and retooled footage!

Avoiding death: the funniest Yu-Gi-Oh edits

Everyone knows that death and religion don’t exist in America, so they have to be edited out to prevent kids from learning about them. In this article, I don’t even have to make anything up, because we’re about to delve into the dubbed Yu-Gi-Oh archives (without the annoying voices) in order to pick out some of the most hilarious edits.

Original: Kaiba’s father fell (or was he pushed?) out of a window, and didn’t survive the experience.

Edited: Kaiba’s father mysteriously disappeared without a trace.

Original: Yugi and Kaiba play against two opponents on a glass panelled rooftop wired to explode and send whoever loses their life points plummeting to their deaths.

Edited: When the glass panels explode, the loser now falls into the Shadow Realm.

Original: Marik’s father has just whipped Rishid into unconsciousness, causing Dark Marik to emerge and kill his father.

Edited: Marik’s father has just weakened “Odion” with the Millennium Rod off screen, causing Dark Marik to emerge and send his father to the Shadow Realm.

Original: Mai’s parents died when she was young.

Edited: Mai’s parents were never home for some unspecified reason.

Original: Amelda and his brother Miruko live in a war torn country where Gozaburo Kaiba appears to be supplying weapons to both sides. Miruko is killed in an explosion.

Edited: Alistair and Mikey live in an area that has just been bought up by Gozaburo Kaiba. When Kaiba goons try to force them out, Mikey is “taken” (or was that his mother?).

Original: Raphael’s parents and siblings were killed when a tidal wave struck the cruise ship they were on whilst he is marooned on a deserted island. He later digs up his siblings’ skulls in a graveyard.

Edited: Raphael is washed overboard by the tidal wave, and by the time he is rescued from the island, they have forgotten about him (isn’t this crueller?). He digs up an evil duel disk at the graveyard.

Original: Valon beats up some thugs.

Edited: No such beating occurs.

Darker than Black 7

“Thank you for this Pleasure.”

“No problem.”

“I’m very experienced in the ways of Pleasure.”

“…and more importantly, I enjoy myself doing it.”

Dennou Coil 1

“You’re lowering the tone of the show!”

You can’t argue with that.

Sisters of Wellber 3

“No one is more skilled than he is when it comes to Pleasuring a lover with Crossbow.”

“Men have their Crossbows, but we girls prefer Gun!”

“Actually, I’m not familiar with Gun.”

“Looks like his Crossbow isn’t performing up to expectations anyway.”

Random Thoughts: Haseo

Today we chat with Haseo, angsty hero of .hack//Roots and .hack//GU!

Haseo, what made you sign up to The World in the first place?

I know you want me to say I’m a friendless loser with nothing better to do, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. I have a bustling social life- why just last week someone sent me a text message, and it wasn’t even a wrong number! So anyway, yeah, I just wanted to keep up with the latest trends, you know?

Did you ever feel like an idiot, paying to sit around and mope in an MMORPG when you could have just done it in your room for free?

That’s not sitting and moping! It’s introspection, a vital part of character development. I guess not everyone can understand its complexity, though.

How would you answer accusations that your World is ugly and inferior to the original?

You’ve got a lot of nerve even asking me that after featuring me on your Fashion Police section. You people from 2007 just can’t understand the finer points of fashion in my time.

Was there ever anything between you and Tabby?

I can’t deny I like catgirls, but Tabby wasn’t my type- I’m more of a Shino man myself. Although that being said, no man would refuse a close-up of Pai’s assets, am I right?

You went from zero to hero pretty quickly- what was the secret of your success?

Thanks to a clause in my contract, Bee Train weren’t actually allowed to film me during action scenes (some stupid health and safety issue, I think). So all the time I wasn’t on camera, I was actually fighting some really exciting battles and levelling up. I wish you could have seen them, but there’s nothing on record.

And finally, is the sword in your Brandish form trying to compensate for something?

I’m going to hit you in a minute.

This Week in Anime

Strawberries achieve new proportions.

An apple is no match for Ukyo.

After merging with a doughnut company, McDonalds decides to go in for a rebranding.

Watermelon is never far from the screen come the summer.

And here it is in its natural environment.

Anime Awards

Most appreciated animal of the week is the HORSE, which provides Pleasure to many a group of anime heroes.

Most extended exposition scene of the week goes to Seirei no Moribito episode 8, for its lengthy scene with the Evil Men and the Blacksmith. Apparently it was a complex and interesting exploration of the finer uses of exposition, so I must have missed something.

Most HARD GAY episode of the week goes to Koutetsu Sangokushi episode 8, an episode so HARD GAY that it makes the rest of the series look STRAIGHT.

Game World Tour: Phantom Brave

Welcome to the world of Ivoire, a beautiful scattering of islands in a clear blue sea, which has recently entered a time of peace thanks to the defeat of Dark Lord Sulphur. Although conditions in such places as southern Frigidia or the northern deserts may be a little extreme for some, feel free to visit the more temperate central islands. Enjoy the bustling city life in Windmill Promontory, Vapor Island and Bamboo Company, or the quiet villages of Terra Firma, but make sure to take a guide whenever you venture into the wilderness, as monsters abound. We recommend contacting Marona of Phantom Isle if you require assistance in getting around.

OST spotlight: Bakumatsu Kikansetsu Irohanihoheto OST 1

As befits a series set in the Bakumatsu era, the first of Iroha’s two OSTs encapsulates the period feel with its style and instrumentation, but manages to largely avoid those droning themes we tend to associate with Japanese festivals and theatre. Instead, despite an extensive reliance on the series’ prime theme, it manages to create a atmospheric set of tracks with just the right flavour. I’d certainly rate it far above similar OSTs such as SaiMono for its ability to hold worth even outside of the context of the series.

Notable tracks: Shizuku, Doukoku no Haguruma, Shinen no Kousaku, Shannai Kurabu, Shinnen

Mini-editorial: the end of the world as we know it?

Picking up where last week left off, the time has come to question whether the release of a “questionable” anime or manga cause the apocalypse to arrive as the media picks up on it and slams the hotbed of evil that is anime and manga.

Although ideally people would be sensible enough not to tar every piece of Japanese media with the same brush, it would be not unlike the media to sensationalise the “evil of Japanese cartoons” if it got the chance- yet even so, would it magically vanish entirely from the Western world? Video games are constantly being blamed for all kinds of terrible misdeeds, yet they have hardly vanished. Would licensing companies stand idly by and let their profits dry up? Is it common to watch adult titles and then randomly broadcast the fact that “today I watched tentacle demons raping young women! Yay for me!”?

In short, even if anime and manga ends up with negative press attention for a time, it is largely bound to die down as it always does, and whilst it may put off new fans and children still dependent on reactionary parents, many fans will probably carry on largely undeterred.

In Your Reflection

This week we focus on three “stoic dark-hair and easygoing blonde” relationships. First up are Tsubasa Chronicle’s Fye and Kurogane, one a light-hearted mage with a hidden dark side, the other a gruff and committed samurai. Next in line are Ouran’s Honey and Mori, one a laid back lover of sweets with hidden karate skills, the other a quiet “stoic type” who always accompanies him. Finally, we have the newcomers Francisco and Curio, a light-hearted lady-killer who may have further depths, and his extremely dull friend.

Fashion Police: Toya

I won’t deny that Toya is bishie (moreso in the manga), but what were the animators thinking when they dressed him in this? Aside from the bare torso, the choice of colours is questionable and too clashing for its own good, whilst the coat isn’t sure whether it wants to be short or long.

Fashion sense: C-

Amusing Search Terms

What happened to “you toube” again?

Old favourites: hard yaoi, toube pr0n

last exile hentai: “Would you like a ‘ride’ on my ‘vanship’? he whispered in her ear.

Yumizuka Wallpaper: I don’t even know who that is, let alone have a relevant wallpaper.

“futanari lesbians”: This may become an old favourite soon.

“.hack//roots” “OST” “download” “free”: the use of quote marks amused me here.

goku yaoi: Not again.

buso renkin plot: Was it really so complex that you needed to look it up on the internet?

ikkitousen big breast: Booby bombs!

el cazador de la bruja boring: too right it is.

door-to-door salesmen with soda: Forget Pizza Hut, soda is the new in-thing.

soda hime: See, there’s even a princess of soda.

chained up, chained up in the dark: Someone’s looking for bondage ideas.

SHOW EVERY BEYBLADE POWER: I DON’T WANT TO.

“the way” “episode 6″ rpg maker: Wasn’t The Way some religion in Andromeda?

mokkun plushie: Let me know if one exists.

range weapon in rpg maker xp -2003 -2002: When the countdown reaches zero, I want that ranged weapon!

do gay men like three in a bed sessions: better ask some gay men.

games where you can start were you left: It’s called saving, and it’s a really great innovation.

Anime Parodies gay: people actually search for this now?