It’s funny how things go back and forth. Back in the olden days when anime was a fresh and exciting product from a distant land, Love Hina was one of the staples that you just had to see- a combination of slapstick humour and slow-burning romance that embodied one of the early entries in the harem genre. You couldn’t call yourself an anime fan if you didn’t have a working knowledge of the antics of Keitaro, Naru and the rest.

As time went on, however, and the anime-sphere expanded, Love Hina came to pass into the realms of the unworthy. Now it was a beginners’ series; profess to like it, and more knowledgeable fans would nod and smile at each other even as they labelled you an anime novice. If you wanted to be considered a serious, experienced viewer, Love Hina was not something you could ever admit to liking.

In time, however, a select few voices decided to speak up in defence of Love Hina, and once again the balance was reversed; now it was mindless crowd-following to bash Love Hina, whilst those who admitted to liking it were to be applauded for their courage. Suddenly, being a Love Hina fan was ‘in’ again.

Nonetheless, the existence of this rant isn’t to address who should and shouldn’t like Love Hina; in fact, lengthy as it was, I only wrote the above by way of introduction. The real reason for suddenly wanting to write about Love Hina lies entirely in the fact that I recently watched the Spring Special, and whilst that in itself was not too bad, it couldn’t help but remind me of the pain I had suffered at the hands of the TV series.

To be fair, Love Hina didn’t start too badly. In its earliest episodes, it seemed as if the slapstick elements would be balanced by romance and a less over-the-top brand of humour- the series may not amount to anything special, but at least it would be an entertaining dose of light fun. Unfortunately, whilst this was to be the case for the first few episodes, as the second DVD drew to a close, things took a turn for the worse.

At the beginning, Love Hina had at least seemed vaguely grounded in reality, but now it became a case of “the wackier the better”. What had once been limited to a small flying turtle and some crazy inventions from resident eccentric whiz kid Kaolla Su turned into something on a larger scale; now giant mecha turtles and ancient turtle-based civilisations were part of an average day for the residents of the Hinata apartments.

Unappealing as it was, however, the crazy ‘humour’ was not the worst Love Hina had to offer- that prize went to the depressing futility of the entire series. The lead, Keitaro, was a born loser beyond almost any other harem lead, so much so that he inhabited a painful realm where nothing could possibly go right. Year after year, his attempts to get into Tokyo U met with rejection; no matter how well he prepared, some outside influence was bound to conspire to make him fail his exams. Any point where Keitaro seemed optimistic was not a sign that his life was about to improve; rather, it was an indication that his tentative hopes were about to be cruelly dashed.

Unsurprisingly, however, it was in love that Keitaro fared even more badly. His ‘relationship’ with Naru quite possibly underwent the slowest progression in history; at any point where Naru started to believe that perhaps Keitaro wasn’t so bad after all, he would invariably manage to walk in whilst she was undressing, accidentally grab her breasts or cause some kind of misunderstanding. In each case, the end result usually consisted of Naru punching Keitaro and sending him flying, and yet neither side ever learned from this.

As the endless cycle of slapstick and repeated jokes began to take their toll, Love Hina entered a downward spiral. The lowest ebb was reached in volume five, a quartet of episodes so tiresome and insipid that they drained the very will to live. By this point, it felt as if we had seen all the series had to offer so many times that whatever appeal it had once had was now long gone. The only reason to continue to the final volume was for that all important sense of completion.

Fortunately, in its last four episodes, the series was able to recover a little, finally offering some development for both the characters and their relationships. Whilst hardly close to being good, at least the ending seemed an improvement on what had come before, especially when added to the relief of knowing it was all finally over and done with (not counting the specials or OVA).

Lead characters, or how not to build a harem

Keitaro Urashima: A born loser, Keitaro is determined to fulfil a promise he once made to a girl by getting into Tokyo University. Unfortunately, his immensely bad luck and his lack of social or intellectual ability stand in the way of every single one of his efforts; the only thing he seems to be good at is getting punched in the face. He manages to start off on the wrong foot by lying to the girls in order to get them to accept him as manager of the Hinata apartments, and things only go downhill from there.

Naru Narusegawa: Lead girl and tsundere, Naru spends half the series pining for her old tutor before finally realising that what she really wants is a punching bag Keitaro. As with Keitaro himself, her efforts to get into Tokyo U are continually met with failure.

Mitsune Konno (Kitsune): Laid back and somewhat self-serving, Kitsune seemingly has nothing better to do in life than run around keeping an eye on Keitaro and Naru. When she’s not actively attempting to make Keitaro’s life difficult, she can usually be found causing an equal amount of damage by trying to help him.

Kaolla Su: A youthful inventor from a strange foreign kingdom that seems to exist within the borders of Japan, Kaolla’s duties include creating mayhem through mecha turtles and other inventions. Even when Kaolla herself isn’t causing trouble, it is equally likely that her family members will show up to cause mayhem with a visit to the Hinata apartments.

Motoko Aoyama: As the token kendo girl and man-hater, Motoko’s appearances are generally restricted to practising sword arts on Keitaro in order to keep him in line. She also comes in handy whenever the story line demands some muscle.

Shinobu Maehara: The quiet one, Shinobu is the one girl who actually likes Keitaro from the start, which gives the others an excuse to beat him up on the pretext of protecting her feelings.

Mutsumi Otohime: The obligatory sick girl and third woman in the “Keitaro-Naru-Mutsumi” triangle, Mutsumi has been just as unlucky as the others in her attempts to get into Tokyo U (since she either passes out during the exam or forgets to write her name). Her duty is to turn up at convenient moments, as dictated by the plot.

Sarah McDougal: Although she doesn’t appear until later in the series, Sarah is noteworthy simply for being the most annoying character in the series. Fuelled by an inexplicably intense grudge against Keitaro, she spends all of her screen time finding ways to makes his life more difficult- as if he needed any more help on that front.

Christmas Special
Released together with the bonus episode 25, the Christmas Special isn’t so much poor as just incredibly average. Featuring the requisite amount of running around and misunderstandings before everything comes together for the usual “and they all lived happily ever after…until the next crisis” ending. The extra episode is actually reasonably entertaining, but there are better things to spend 70 minutes on.

Spring Special
After reading some bad reviews, I prepared myself for the worst before watching this special, but with my expectations so low, it actually turned out to be better than I’d hoped. Although the storyline is weak and contrived, there are some worthy character moments sprinkled here and there- and most importantly, the leads are finally able to move beyond the cruel status quo that held them for so long.

Final Thoughts
Sitting through Love Hina is a bit like running a marathon- it starts off well enough, gets extremely tiring and painful in the middle, and ends with a final spurt of energy and a sense of relief that it is all over. Unfortunately, where those who choose to tackle a marathon usually feel some sense of achievement when it is done, it cannot be said that finishing Love Hina will provide any kind of benefit or satisfaction.

Recommendations are tricky things. Sometimes, someone will alert you to a worthy series that had completely passed you by, and you’ll understandably be thankful that they did (although if you end up forking out for DVDs, your bank balance may not be as appreciative). Unfortunately, for every good series that you manage to uncover in this way, there seem to be three times as many awful series that ‘random contact A’ enjoyed but which otherwise seem to have no merit whatsoever. Since this is clearly marked as a rant, it doesn’t take too much effort to deduce that Burst Angel falls into the latter category.

Burst Angel is possibly the laziest attempt at a ‘girls with guns’ series to grace our screens, the tale of four generic women fighting ugly monsters dispatched by an evil organisation. There’s Jo, the strong but silent type with a mysterious past; Meg, the whiny cowgirl who is so completely useless that she manages to get kidnapped on practically every mission; Sei, the cool and calm leader with an outfit so gravity-defying that it’s a wonder her breasts don’t fall out of the bottom; and Amy, the irritating kid who’s good with computers. It’s like Bubblegum Crisis all over again, only this time with less interesting characters and more potential for HARD YURI (not that the series does more than vaguely imply such relationships).

To be fair, at the start, I had a vague hope that Burst Angel could at least provide some light entertainment, but then again, those were in the days when I assumed it was working towards some kind of plot. Since I had convinced myself that it was going to get better later, I felt I could live with the flaws in the earlier episodes- it was only when said ‘later’ was reached and things had taken a turn for the worse that I realised how wrong I was.

Over the course of its first eight episodes, Burst Angel presents four two-part stories, each involving some kind of evil mecha, the kidnapping of Meg, and Jo’s subsequent fight to rescue her and save the day. Stretching each standalone story across two episodes was not a good choice for the series- compared to monsters-of-the-week, monsters-of-the-fortnight are that much more tedious and painful to watch.

From volume three onwards, however, the series sticks to more conventional single episodes for its standalone stories, and for one brief moment, it seems as if Burst Angel might actually have something vaguely approaching merit. A pair of episodes devoted to Sei and Amy offers some hope that this characters will get to have more than shallow supporting roles, whilst the beginning of a longer arc that takes Jo to Osaka seems to promise something in the way of a main plot.

With the advent of volume four, however, such hopes are proven to be completely false. From this point onwards, it becomes hard to care about or even concentrate on what is happening in any given episode, so much so that the first half of the series actually looks good in comparison.

To be fair, there is one good episode on the disc- a ‘past chapter’ about how Jo and Meg came to meet. Unfortunately, this one example of worth and character development cannot stem the tide of shallow characters and mediocre stories; from the obligatory beach episode to a production line magic CCTV villain, everything is dull and generic as it can possibly get.

Poor as volume four was, however, volume five manages to take the series to new lows. For a brief moment, it seemed as the promised main plot that had previously failed to materialise would finally arrive- surely now the story would become interesting as Jo’s mysterious past was finally uncovered. Of course, that was not to be the case- in true Mai-Otome fashion, the penultimate four episodes did not so much begin a main storyline as totally erase any chance of the series having one.

Ever since I had first read about the series, I had been looking forward to volume five and its promised showdown between Jo and her ‘anti-existence’ look-alike Maria; no matter what pain I endured earlier on, I had convinced myself that this part of the series would make up for it. In retrospect, it was wrong to hold any kind of expectations for the series, since it could only lead to disappointment. The Jo/Maria showdown was not only confined to a single episode, but it was a poorly edited one at that, making little sense as it meandered between reality and Sunrise sweet potato dango-esque fantasy.

As if to add insult to injury, the next episode turned out to be a completely pointless standalone story about a generic one-shot character- exactly the sort of story that no one can be persuaded to care about even at the best of times. Meanwhile, the second half of the disc is the final nail in the coffin, in which monsters of evil menace the populace of the city for no particular reason, whilst Mr. Magic CCTV looks on from his observation room. Even Tsubasa’s Fei Wong has sounder motives than that of Burst Angel’s nameless villain.

At the time of writing, I have yet to see the final four episodes of Burst Angel, but based on what little I’ve read about them, I hardly expect them to show any great improvement. In fact, the only reason that I’m looking forward to the end of the series is so that I can finally put Burst Angel behind me and never speak of it again.

Style over Substance?
This is a phrase used often in connection with Gonzo, but it has to be said that whilst Burst Angel certainly lacks substance, it fails on the style front as well. The character designs certainly have potential, but lose far too many points for the ugly and ridiculously impractical outfits, whilst the animation budget is extremely inconsistent. So much of the animation budget has been sunk into making the characters’ nipples stick out from under their clothing that there isn’t much left for anything else, resulting in an overuse of stills and ugly CG mecha- when will Gonzo learn that well choreographed hand-to-hand action is much more satisfying than bullet time and badly designed robots?

Final Thoughts
Burst Angel is one of those series that starts badly and only gets worse as it continues. Even if you consider yourself a fan of girls, guns, nipple-shots and HARD YURI undertones, there are numerous better alternatives to spend valuable time and money on.

A few years ago, I happened to stumble across FUNimation’s trailer for the recently released Kiddy Grade. It was a trailer that immediately captivated me, promising a futuristic tale of secret agents with special abilities, not to mention a tragic past that haunted the main character. Upon seeing it, I knew I had to watch the series for myself, and therein began the trouble- because everything that these few minutes of advertisement promised, the series itself would be completely unable to deliver.

To quote the wisdom of Blackadder, Kiddy Grade “started badly, tailed off a little in the middle, and the less said about the end the better”. Nonetheless, as recent news has proven, a second season of this underwhelming series should eventually be on its way to us, and for that reason, it seemed only right to publish a rant that addresses the problems of the original.

It started badly…
Set in a distant future where humanity has colonised planets all across the galaxy, Kiddy Grade tells the tale of Éclair and Lumiere, special agents for the ES, a shadowy arm of the powerful Galactic Organisation of Trade and Tariffs. Together with the other agents that make up the ES force, Éclair and Lumiere are assigned to whatever mission requires their attention, from recovering stolen goods to pulling bodyguard duty.

As to be expected, the early portion of the series is primarily concerned with standalone missions, with only a few hints about the main plot strewn here and there. Unfortunately, not only is Kiddy Grade extremely slow in even getting to this main plot, but the standalone episodes prove to be a mess of poorly edited stories that leave an extremely unsatisfying aftertaste. An episode may be at the centre of the action one minute, only to suddenly jump to a “by the way, everything was resolved while you weren’t looking” scene; the result is that even potentially entertaining stories become transformed into pointless throwaway segments.

…Tailed off a little in the middle…
The mid-section of Kiddy Grade is actually the best part of the series, but that does not mean it is without fault. This is the point where the promised main plot finally comes to the fore, as the sealed memories from Éclair’s previous life start to emerge, and she and Lumiere are forced to go on the run from their own organisation.

In principle, this should be a worthy storyline, but yet again the series is plagued by poor editing and no small amount of indecision. As it turns out, the ES members are cyborgs who have lived many lives, their consciousness transferred from body to body through the abilities of their boss, Eclipse (as leads, Éclair and Lumiere get a new look each time this happens, but everyone else seems to stay the same) Éclair, however, became so overcome with the burden of the things she had done in those previous lives that she had her memories erased, only for them to return alongside her true destined powers (you can’t be the lead unless you have ridiculously high power levels compared to anyone else).

The main problem with these revelations is that they simply aren’t presented to us in a clear and coherent way- it’s almost as if we are expected to know many of these facts without a full explanation. And instead of ever clarifying the ideas that are presented, the series chooses to move on and throw in some other plot twist, suddenly mentioning that character A actually has special powers, or some secret agenda that will string the plot out for a few more episodes.

…The less said about the ending, the better
It is in its final stages, however, that Kiddy Grade finally loses all claims to worth. The concluding arc begins with Alv and Dvergr coming forth as main bosses, stealing Éclair and Lumiere’s physical appearances, and taking over the directorship of GOTT. Naturally, the real Éclair and Lumiere come forth to combat them, in a series of episodes that involves a lot of wandering around in a forest with the enemy trudging along a short way behind them.

Naturally, such shallow evil cannot last in the face of the slightly less shallow forces of good, and after a series of battles in which everyone’s unique powers are revealed to be an identical ability to fire energy blasts and control generic “nanomachine mists”, Alv and Dvergr are defeated. By all rights, the series should have ended there, but with 24 episodes to fill, the writers were forced to come up with a pointless final arc to round things off.

In true final boss tradition, this final arc has Alv and Dvergr show up again and steal a giant spaceship, so that Alv can combine with the spaceship and become an oversized opponent worthy of the final battle. For the next few episodes, everyone gets a chance to put in a generic attack before leaving it to the destined main characters to finish things off- and conveniently enough, Lumiere discovers that she has just the ability needed to save the day. And in case anyone were to accuse Alv of being a generic villain, it is revealed that she was given a hard time at the hands of the evil nobles, and that Dvergr is actually her mother (after all, anyone with a family can’t be all bad).

Thus concludes Kiddy Grade, a series filled with squandered story potential and undeveloped cast members- perhaps one of the more extreme examples of Gonzo’s ‘style over subtance’ tendencies. And with such poor beginnings, can there be much hope for a worthy second season?

Building a better cyborg: suggestions for a better Kiddy Grade
Despite its numerous flaws, Kiddy Grade did in fact have some measure of potential, hence I have created a first draft for an improved version of the story. This version will also see increased character development for all ES members, with character-based episodes spread throughout the series.

Part One- Training: New recruit Éclair begins her ES member training, with Lumiere as her partner and supervisor, Sinistra and Dextera as instructors, and Armbrust and Mercredi on the faculty. Éclair is not always happy to be ordered around by someone as young as Lumiere, but with her supervisor’s obvious skills, she cannot complain too much.

Although her academic abilities are not particularly outstanding, Éclair shows an especial talent for physical training, almost as if she has had some prior experience elsewhere. Éclair claims that everything here is new to her, but every night she has intense dreams of missions with Lumiere and the others- missions that she cannot possibly have been a part of. Putting it down to excitement about her new job, Éclair says nothing about this to anyone.

Whilst Éclair continues her training (befriending Viola and Cesario on the way), Armbrust and Mercredi keep a close eye on her. Eventually, Armbrust makes a report to some shadowy superiors, claiming that there is no sign that the memory seal has been breached. The superiors are pleased about this, even suggesting that the seal could be used more often to keep the cyborgs more pliable.

Part Two- In the Field: Having finished her training, Éclair is assigned to the field, with Lumiere as her partner. As the pair complete various missions for the GOTT, they come to meet more active ES members- Tweedledee and Tweedledum, Alv and Dverger, and A-ou and Un-ou. Unfortunately, as the excitement of her new work wears off, Éclair begins to notice some morally dubious motives behind some of the missions, and wonders just who benefits from their work. She tries to persuade Lumiere to apply her extensive computer skills to the question, but Lumiere is extremely reluctant, telling her that no good can come of snooping around.

Things come to a head, however, following a conflict on a planet containing critical GOTT facilities. Feeling that she knows a way to defuse the situation, Éclair requests that she be assigned to it, but is told that a different department will be handling it. Forcing Lumiere to look into this more closely, Éclair discovers that the proposed plan of action will involve the death of millions, and resolves not to stand back. Turning rogue against their own agency, Éclair and Lumiere head to the planet to see what they can do.

Naturally, other ES members are sent to apprehend them, but after a fraught battle, Éclair and Lumiere win Viola and Cesario over to their side. Promising to stall anyone else who comes after them, Viola and Cesario tell Éclair and Lumiere to continue onwards towards their destination.

Once on the planet, Éclair seems oddly drawn to a particular facility (officially labelled as a hospital for ES members and other high ranking GOTT officers), claiming that the answer to everything lies there. The pair go ahead and break into the facility, but what they find there reveals a disturbing truth. This place is the answer to the enhanced abilities and longer life spans of ES members- rather than being a mere hospital, it is a facility for the creation of enhanced clones. Given the toll their abilities take on their bodies, ES members actually have shorter life spans than the average human, and thus instead of receiving the regular check-ups they are officially reported to have, their memories and experiences are transferred into new bodies grown just for the task. In this way, a worthy ES member need never die.

As she sees all this, Éclair feels something inside her snap, and memories come flooding back. This isn’t the first time she has lived as an ES member- before coming for her recent training, she was an experienced officer. Unfortunately, Éclair had already come to find out about this facility once before, and was captured for knowing too much. Unwilling to lose one of their best officers, however, the authorities decided to transfer only selected memories to a new clone, hoping to retrain her and put her back in the field. As it turned out, they could not erase all the traces of her past life, which have haunted Éclair ever since she rejoined the ES.

Having realised all this, Éclair decides that the truth must be known, and with Lumiere’s help, she downloads evidence about the facility. Armbrust and Mercredi are sent to stop them, but despite Armbrust’s arguments that the truth is best kept hidden, Éclair insists that it be brought out into the open, hoping that it will the first step towards exposing the corrupt elements of the GOTT. With some last minute help from Viola and Cesario, Éclair and Lumiere are able to escape with the evidence, and they arrange for its broadcast across the galaxy.

Part Three- Galactic Conflict: Unfortunately, Éclair’s well-intentioned actions have an adverse effect- upon learning of this key to immortality, the galaxy is thrown into conflict, with some factions claiming that it should be made available to all, and others declaring that it is an abomination that defies the will of God. As wars begin to break out of control of this technology, the corrupt and shadowy elements of the GOTT are brought out into the open, but at a cost far higher than anyone anticipated.

In the hopes of bringing an end to the very conflicts she precipitated, Éclair decides that the only way forward is to destroy the facility once and for all. Unfortunately, the place is now highly guarded by skilled ES members- with Alv, Dvergr, Armbrust and Mercredi on the front lines. With this in mind, Éclair and Lumiere set out to reunite the now-unaligned ES members, persuading Tweedledee, Tweedledum, Viola, Cesario, Sinistra, Dextera and even former boss Eclipse to put aside their personal issues and take to the front lines once more.

In a final assault that sees the deaths of several key characters, the cloning facility is destroyed, and although there will be no changes overnight, Éclair hopes that the galaxy will turn away from conflict and begin rebuilding itself. Several ES members resolve to use their remaining time to build a better GOTT, but Éclair decides that she has had enough, and decides to live out the rest of her lifespan (which may be anything from a few days to a few years) on a quiet planet, away from conflict.

Everything seems to have ended well, but even as the rebuilding commences and Éclair enjoys her final days, at a distant location, Mercredi reports in to her surviving bosses. A backup of the cloning data is hidden on a barren planet, and once the research is uncovered, they can use it to further a new regime…