Anime Nano: the RPG

The other day, a random remark on the Anime Nano forums gave birth to the idea of it being an MMORPG rather than a blog aggregator, and of course, me being me, I couldn’t help but think “where better to explore this idea than Tuesday Rumble?”. So, without further ado, let us explore Anime Nano: the RPG!

Choose your class: The first thing to do is invest your start-up points in creating a character. The cheapest class to create is Lurker, but with a little more effort you can go for Commenter instead. Purchase your own home base (blog), and your class immediately goes up to Blogger.

Tweak your stats: The next thing to do is assign bonus points to the various stats. Available stats include “Pretentious Elitist”, “Screencap Frenzy”, “Blow-by-Blow Summariser”, “Overanalyser”, “Straight Reviewer”, “Flame Baiter” and “Merchandise Whore”.

Time to play!: Now you are finally ready to step into the world of Anime Nano: the RPG. Much of the game is spent in blogging dungeons, using your abilities to hack and slash at endless waves of Flamers, Spammers and Trolls. The number of successive combo attacks you are able to perform in battle is determined by the number of hits your blog receives divided by one hundred; if you don’t have a blog, you can only ever perform a single hit combo.

Advanced Play: For those familiar with the game’s system, there are other, more advanced game play options to exploit. Form a permanent party by recruiting other writers to your blog, or a temporary one for multi-blog articles. Form trading alliances with links, or even declare war on other blogs. Whatever you do, avoid getting hit with the Hiatus status effect, since it usually leads to a slow and painful death.

Romeo X Juliet: X-treme(-ly over the top) version

After the revelations of episode seventeen, the time came to wonder- just how many more twists could the Romeo X Juliet anime throw our way? The only way forward, of course, was to delve deeper and come up with some of the more outlandish ideas the writers may still have in store.

• Romeo and Juliet are actually (half) brother and sister, making their entire love story completely incestuous.
• Hermione is actually Juliet’s half-sister, or at the least an adopted commoner who was switched at birth with Emilia.
• Cordelia (or perhaps Reagan) is the real Juliet, and Juliet is just a random generic.
• Antonio, Curio and Francisco are all Montague’s illegitimate sons.
• Romeo is not Montague’s son at all, since Portia had a one night stand with Conrad.

Reideen Again

“Look, girls!”

“Huh, who cares?”

“Well, there’s one other place, but it isn’t what you’d call practical or comfortable.”

“Yeah, Jack Squat’s a great guy, unlike his better known yet more offensive cousin.”

“Let’s have Pleasure!”

A new form of Hyper Self Pleasure is developed, code-named God Bird.

(”Did he break his arm having Hyper Self Pleasure?”)

It wouldn’t be Reideen without the damn swearing.

Even so, some people are trying to tone it down.

“Someone went and used a Qwack-o-Ray on us!”

Random Thoughts: Shinji, Asuka and Rei

With the upcoming release of the Rebuild of Evangelion movie, we decided to interview Shinji, Asuka and Rei on their hopes for the new movie series.

So, guys, what changes would you like to see in this remake?

Shinji: I definitely want to be kicking more backside! Let’s stop with this whole whiny Daddy’s boy thing and get me out there beating up bad guys with the best of them!\r\n

Rei: I’d like to actually have some skills instead of training for months and still having the lowest synch ratio.

Asuka: I should totally be the star this time around!

When you look back on the original series, do you feel that it has held up well, or was it even any good in the first place?

Shinji: I think mistakes were made and some things went wrong, but the fact that we were able to capture the public imagination so much has got to count for something.

Rei: I don’t care either way, really.

Asuka: if you ask me, everything went downhill when Shinji’s synch ratio overtook mine. Before that, I was in charge and everything was cruising along smoothly.

Has Eva’s continued popularity helped or hindered your careers?

Shinji: I’ve never really been able to escape the typecasting, which is a shame because I really wanted to try my hand at the whole outgoing shounen hero thing.

Rei: It was really a boon for my career- I got some choice roles like the part of Yuki Nagato on Haruhi, for example.

Asuka: I don’t know why, but everyone really goes for the Rei type- I can’t seem to get out of her shadow.

How would you respond to the people who say “enough is enough, let the damn franchise end already?

Shinji: I’m just glad I got to do something different in Angelic Days, which wouldn’t have been possible if the franchise hadn’t ballooned the way it did.

Rei: The revenue generated from PVC figure sales is really helping my bank balance, even if Gainax and the sculptors take a healthy cut of the profits.

Asuka: Enough is never enough! I’m never giving ground to those up and coming newbies!

Now for the individual questions. Shinji, can you shed some light on your apparent father complex?

Shinji: I do not have a father complex! I’m telling my dad about this!

Rei, was your emotionless performance a challenge to your skills, or did you long for more of a stretch?

Rei: At the time, I really wanted to be able to cut loose and show my emotions a bit more, but now I’m glad I played it the way I did, because it’s made me a really memorable character. Anyone can be a silly little girl, but playing it cool is a lot harder.

Asuka: I hope you weren’t referring to me just then!

Asuka, how did you react when you found out your character’s depressing back story?\r\nAsuka: It was a bit of a comedown- all this time I’d been feeling superior to the other two, and then it turned out I was as messed up as they were!

Well, thank you- we hope to have all of you back for more interviews.

This Week in Anime

Here we see fruit in its natural habitat.

An innocent slice of orange is impaled on the edge of a glass by an apple supporter.

“Just a little further…I can make it out of here!”

Heroic Age maintains its reputation for wide-wide-wide-angle shots.

Fat cat checks in on developments in Kaleido Star.

Nut forces threaten to overwhelm our leads.

Anime World Tour: Record of Lodoss War

Ever fancied dropping in on a world of classic fantasy? Why not try the so-called “cursed island” of Lodoss? Learn magic and swordsmanship from some bona fide heroes, visit classical kingdoms, meet dragons both good and evil and learn the secrets of elves and dwarves with our all inclusive trip to Lodoss Isle! Worship at the shrine of Marfa, participate in one of the many chaotic wars that plague the Isle, attend parties held by legendary kings and fulfil all your classic fantasy desires in one go! Who know, you may even find yourself on a heroic quest of your own!

OST spotlight: Heat Guy J

Heat Guy J is an odd soundtrack indeed, combining elements I usually wouldn’t have time for, such as looping and often random electronic themes, bagpipes and the dreaded J-rock to make something that actually has some catchy themes. I have to admit that there are stretches where you’ll just blank out and not really listen to it, but the sheer energy with which its quirky and often discordant themes are presented is enough to make it extremely catchy in places. One to at least try out, even if it doesn’t really suit your tastes, not to mention oddly reminiscent of the Noir and RahXephon music at times.

Notable tracks: Tribe, Rainbow Gate Park, Backstreet Guys, Black Box

Mini-editorial: Does commercialism exclude art?

A rather pretentious sounding title if you will, but let’s just go with it for the moment- do the needs of fulfilling an order for twenty-six (or however many) animated episodes on a given budget (whilst getting ratings and selling merchandise in the process) prevent any sort of artistic vision from being realised? Even if one retains the core essence of the original concept, does compromise prevent it from being the True Series it could have been? Is the integrity of a piece always destined to ever be compromised by the desire to pander to the audience? Can any anime, apart from perhaps Voices of a Distant Star, be said to be proper “art”, undiluted by the need to make money?

Then again, is making it for an audience merely a key element in the creation of so-called art? Aren’t plays written for people to come and watch, paintings created to sell and put on exhibition? Does it matter if a few elements are changed, as long as we can communicate the core essence of our vision to others? Can we possibly hope to use this line of argument to justify the creation of a model kit seller like Gundam Seed Destiny?

In the end, as we learn from Animation Runner Kuromi, the vast majority of anime is not meant to be high art, it’s just business. But if we can appreciate artistic qualities within it, does it really matter how they came about?

Harem of the week: Ayato Kamina (RahXephon)

The slowed down time of Tokyo Jupiter may have messed up his life, but Ayato was still able to connect with women from both his past and present.

Harem

Reika: The mysterious girl who guides the plot whilst having a deeper significance.

Megumi Shitow: The energetic and argumentative “friend your own age” type.

Haruka Shitow: The older woman, also with plot significance.

Quon: The second mysterious girl, fond of talking in riddles.

Fashion Police: Shigure

This week, the Fashion Police are after Kenichi’s Shigure for a double offence, starting with her default outfit. Her hair is at least nice and she does carry her costume off with confidence, but seriously, what’s up with that fishnet top and cerise tunice, not to mention the fact that certain screenshots seem to indicate that she isn’t in the habit of donning underwear?

Then we move onto this, her revealing “bandages only” swimsuit, surely in danger of unravelling whenever she performs strenuous martial arts.

Fashion sense: C

Amusing Search Terms

Old favourites: bouncing breasts

virtual sex: At least search for the real thing.

rpg maker 2003 harry potter games: Anything has to be better than EA’s efforts.

utawarerumono sex scenes download: You want them and don’t have them, I don’t care about them and have them on my computer. And no, I’m not uploading them.

tyou toube porn: is this the next evolution of you toube?

anime panty shot: These days, this seems tame.

walkthrough ( puzzle ARIMASU ): ???

super b train: Go! Super B Train! Gattai!

all grunty: It’s all grunty, all the time!

azure- nude.net: Is this domain taken? Will I get more hits if I use it?

gay movie maker: A very specialised version of Windows Movie Maker, it turns any movie into a gay love scene.

“marie zhuge”: A distant descendant of Liang himself.

evil teenager anime: Damn those evil teens.

Back by Popular Complete Lack of Demand, Amusing Spam

“were to sky dive…

The period of perpetually digging up dependable opinions having to do with this topic have ended….”

I agree, it’s time to stop investigating where to sky dive and just stick with the places other people used.

“emeraldrocks…

Once you totally appreciate this, you will be able to work more effectively….”

I hope so.

“home business…

Sometimes, you”ll become overwhelmed by the enormous quantity of attitude information out there….”

Yeah, I know.

“Our ambition is to point you in the right direction for sex investigation….”

Good for you.

“vegetable diet soup…

The normal everyday fellow would be under the impression that investing the time to obtain intellect on this topic of interest is a waste of resources….”

But vegetable diet soup is such a worthy topic! I have so much more to say about it

“fast weight loss diets…

It can occasionally get difficile to set apart the valuable diet soda info from the bad….”

I agree, there’s just so much information about diet soda out there.

“hallo everybody users of site azureflame.ikimashou.net I not so a long ago I live in Oshkosh

and so, that I divided with dear a man, Paul/Lisa – Craigkon, and now try to find him, last that I know so it that he lives in citi, and often vi

sits the resources of type your azureflame.ikimashou.net, names on itself Leeporkon

, if suddenly will see this nik write that this man contacted with me . I very much I miss without socializing with this man.To reason wanted to say thank you and to wish successes to the team of developments and web masters your resource. So to hold boys. Only little request of,sdelayte more graphic arts on pages on a subject”

I got several spam of this type, all looking for a different person.

“The plan of bonification of Telextreme is fantastic, therefore with few indications you can form a net of distribution of much success and excellent financial return. Visit:”

I so want to be a part of this…whatever it is.

New Moneymaking target for Gundam
Thought you’d never get the chance to own Gunpla for every single generic Zaku? Think again, because Namco Bandai is looking to rake in 60 billion yen from Gundam merchandise by the end of the financial year, and if they want to meet this target, they may well have to pull out all the stops. Will we see models for each and every mobile suit, pointless upgrades in 00 to justify new models, or just more of those ridiculously expensive platinum Gundams? Maybe they can make it all just by commissioning a 1:1 scale platinum Gundam with ruby and diamond encrusted detailing.
Cid says: Godammit, I’d love to pilot one of those Gundam things and go out into space!

MegaTokyo makes it to Japan
Japanese and to a lesser extent Korean titles often make it over into the English-speaking world, but this time around it’s a reversal of fortune as well-known series MegaTokyo is picked up by Kodansha. Even if it is just a curiosity for the Japanese to see what those “stupid American otaku” are doing, the news has sparked a full spectrum of reactions from those whose feelings range from the benign to the vehement. Personally, whilst I was mildly entertained by the early strips, I never really bothered to keep up with it, and so this is more a point to note than anything that’s going to get a strong reaction from me.
Cid says: Who cares about some goddamn comic, anyway? Now where’s my tea?

More wallet draining figures
Well, it’s a bit of a slow news week, so let’s go and drool over some newly announced anime and game related figures, shall we? First up is the lovely Donne, who may be an expensively priced 1/8 from a game I’ve never heard of, but still merits acquisition somehow.

Next up is this Max Factory Shana; I’ve wanted a Shana figure for a while but none of them have quite captured the character well enough- and whilst this one isn’t perfect, it does have that lovely hair. I probably won’t get this one either, but it’s worth keeping an eye on.

Finally, there are these two Fate/Zero figures which I likely not get due to a) the effort needed due to their rarity and b) the danger that I slip back into Fate figure buying mode again and spend stupid amounts of money on Saber.
Cid says: Whoa, those are some hot chicks, but I’d prefer to meet the real thing.

Eva themed…Doritos?
It’s a running joke around here that I like to keep track of the extremes Eva merchandise can go to, and now a new record has been set with these special themed Doritos. This puts this once humble mecha series on a par with blockbuster movies in terms of invading food packaging, and at this stage we can only ask- what next for Eva-themed products?
Cid says: Some franchises have no shame when it comes to their goddamn merchandise! Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to rush off to pose for my lastest platinum-plated limited edition FF7 diorama with lifelike materia.

HITS

Kare Kano (His and Her Circumstances)
I absolutely love Kare Kano, and whilst the manga is far better than the anime, that doesn’t mean that the animated version isn’t worth a look. Sadly, Kare Kano is dogged by an animation budget so low that much of the series is stills (or even cardboard cut-outs at one point), to the point that whenever you begin watching, you cannot help feeling frustratingly divorced from the action. Nonetheless, the base brilliance of this tale of high school life, keeping up appearances and the effect of first love cannot help but shine through, and with an amazingly cheap series boxset now available, there is no excuse not to check it out.

Memorable moments: Too many to pick just one or two.

NEUTRAL

Neon Genesis Evangelion

Ah, and this is where the you-know-what hits the you-know-where. Yes, in the early days of anime fanhood, I loved Eva- I obsessed over the characters, rewatched it several times in both English and Japanese, made it my desktop and drew endless reams of fanart. Ultimately, though, whilst I still believe it has worth in getting across Anno’s message about depression and in delivering some powerful moments, as an anime series, it doesn’t work. The story meanders between giant robots, light harem and ponderous religious themes, leaving huge parts undeveloped due to its raw and unpolished state (both a strength and weakness for the series). And when we look at the main characters, what do we see- a whingy, angsty boy getting into his mother to impress his daddy; an emotionless doll and an overbearing young woman who turns out to also have a traumatic back story. Worse yet, Gainax just can’t leave it alone- instead we have to have movie remakes and increasingly ridiculous amounts of merchandise shoved down our throats. Thought those Eva soap dishes were bad enough? How about specially themed Eva juices, or figures based on what the Angels might have looked like if they were humanoid women?

I know a lot of you will want to flame me for this, but please save it for the day when I write a full “Evangelion Deconstructed” post.

Memorable moments: Shinji watching in horror as the Unit 1 autopilot goes berserk on Unit 3, Rei telling Ritsuko’s mother that Gendou calls her an old hag.

FLCL

FLCL is hard to class; after all, it is so insane that no one can truly understand what is going on, and so most end up either loving it or hating it. I think I need to watch it at least once more before coming to a final decision; there are times when the over-the-top ridiculousness of it gets annoying, but also times when it’s actually quite fun to just sit back and get taken on a crazy ride.

Memorable moments: Not a moment, but the soundtrack is rather memorable.

Gunbuster 2

Gunbuster 2 is an odd OVA; it starts out setting up one story, only to diverge off into another less satisfying one halfway through. Had it properly finished what it started instead of veering off into this new direction I would have enjoyed it a lot more, but as it stands the feeling of petering out towards the end is a little disappointing. Nonetheless, the character designs are at least bright, colourful and worthy of note.

Memorable moments: Nono demonstrating her splitting capabilities.

MISSES

Magical Shopping Arcade Abenobashi
I’ve already written about this for another article, but Abenobashi and I simply didn’t get on. Instead of being the clever parody of anime, game and film stereotypes that I had hoped for, Abenobashi descended into tiresome attempts at plot and unfunny jokes that just made me want them the whole experience to be over with quickly. The ending was also a perfect example of why Gainax are so bad at conclusions, fizzling out like a damp squib rather than bringing anything to a proper conclusion.

Mahoromatic – Automatic Maiden
Ah, Mahoro, why did I subject myself to you? Yes, it did improve slightly towards the end, but the feather-light storyline and masses of fanservice surely put it in squarely in the “why am I watching this crap?” category. Worst of all was the well-endowed teacher who seemed desperate to get it on with the main character- was I the only one who found this creepy? Surely one to miss- the trauma of episode four’s beach visit still haunts me to this day.

This Ugly Yet Beautiful World (Kono Mini)

For some reason, I had led myself to believe that this would be a serious and thought-provoking series, and so when I came to realise that it was going to be nothing more than a mediocre fanservice fest, I couldn’t help but be disappointed. Admittedly, most series have a light throwaway episode or two, but Kono Mini is effectively entirely composed of such episodes, with even the main plot proving to be an ultimately disappointing excuse to slip in the Angels that failed the auditions for Eva. In the end, the only things I really liked were the OP animation and Hikari and Akari’s character designs.

Final Thoughts
With its predilection for maid- and fanservice and its over-reliance on the legacy of Eva, Gainax is sadly not all that impressive on the content front. Nonetheless, it has managed to carve out a high profile in the minds of many anime fans, and if nothing else, it can be said to be responsible for the Unit 1 look-alikes that infest the lands of anime in the modern age.

This week I have some advice that will probably be of no use whatsoever to most of the people who read this- never let yourself get into a situation where you have to dance with a fat old lady who completely lacks any sense of rhythm. Also, should you happen to be the child of such an old lady and come to think it would be nice to take her dancing with you and your partner- don’t do it. Remember, some poor sap will have to dance with her.

The anime guide to wooing your beloved
Last week, I completely forgot about Valentine’s Day until after Tuesday Rumble had been written, so unfortunately, I was unable to include anything relevant. Never one to pass up an opportunity, however, I went to the effort of contacting a select group of anime and game characters so that they could give essential advice to those wishing to impress the object of their affections.

Anton (Harvest Moon): I’ve never had any difficulties with love, so I don’t really get what all the fuss is about. Every day I just pick some random flowers that are growing in the local area and present them to Popuri- it took a mere two seasons of this to increase her affections for me to their maximum level. We have never even been on a date or talked about anything other than the most superficial of topics, but even so, she has agreed to marry me.

Harima Kenji (School Rumble): I have to admit that I’m still having trouble winning Tenma-chan’s heart, but the method I recommend is to draw a manga of the prospective relationship between you and your beloved. Once she reads it, love will surely follow.

Tenchi Masaki (Tenchi Muyo!): I have to admit I’ve never really had to do anything to attract the girls; if anything, I need methods to keep them away! My advice is just be yourself, and the more average you are, the more likely it is that the girls will like you.

Hakuoro (Utawarerumono): The key to love is to be ambitious- never think that you have enough women until you have slept with every member of the opposite sex around. Jealousy is always a problem, but by keeping them in separate wings of your well-appointed castle, this can be minimised. If you need male assistants to take care of trivialities such as running an empire, make sure they are all HARD GAY men who will be uninterested in stealing your women away.

Yuuichi Aizawa (Kanon): Some men prefer to have multiple women at the same time, but I have discovered that the optimum method is to have an arc with each of them in turn- once you have got all the use you can out of the girl, she can be discarded as you move on to the next one. If you are especially, she will die or otherwise leave the story and you won’t have to worry about her sabotaging your chances with the next girl. Remember, there’s no need to worry about treating her well; just make her feel like an inferior being who should consider herself privileged to be able to spend precious time with you.

Emiya Shirou (Fate/Stay Night): Despite what others say, I have found the most important thing is to maintain a high level of cohesion between your various harem members. Invite each girl to live with you as soon as you can- only in such intimate circumstances can your relationship be tested to the limit (not to mention the opportunities it provides for sneaking into their bedrooms at night).

Introducing…Eva Burger
We’ve just seen the launch of special Eva-themed drinks, but where can the franchise go from here in its attempts to prise money from our wallets? The answer, of course, is to launch a new chain of fast food restaurants- Eva Burger. With eighteen branches, each named and themed after a different Angel, Eva Burger offers an utterly new fast food experience (or at least a conventional fast food experience cunningly disguised with papier maché and costumes). Staff are required to wear plugsuits or NERV uniforms, whilst ketchup and straws are dispensed from a large Unit 1, and trash cans are shaped like Unit 0. Meals include the following-

• The Gendo Burger: a mysterious burger with a special secret sauce recipe that no one can quite figure out.
• The Rei Meal: as tasteless as the cardboard and Styrofoam it is made out of.
• The Asuka Meal: uncomfortably hot and spicy.
• The Shinji Meal: the standard meal set, each has a different defect- from misshapen burgers to missing fries.
• Misato Nuggets: they look normal, but every so often you get one with a strange taste.

More options will become available as the popularity of Eva Burger increases. Future menu choices include the Ritsuko Shake, the Kaji Breakfast and Toji Ice Cream.

Death Note 17

Soichiro chooses a secluded place in which to seduce his lovers.

L reveals his new Bondage Special to Light.

“I didn’t realise you were HARD GAY.”

L explains that he is not willing to let Misa have Light to herself.

“I already told you I had another lover.”

Mogi reacts badly after reading the latest parodies on Azure Flame.

Light explains that there certain acts he considers too obscene to carry out.

L is understandably disappointed at being denied the opportunity to try those techniques.

“Short Parody: Deltora Quest” has been cancelled after I randomly decided to give it a full parody.

The history of fat cats in anime
Weekly Awards have now been changed to Monthly Awards. For now, the interim weeks will contain this “History of…in anime” feature.

Although the obese feline was often a background staple in anime series, it was only with the rise of Stratos 4 that they truly gained prominence as a huggable character type. The pioneer in this field was The Admiral, a lazy grey and white cat who gained weight through years of eating leftovers from the Chinese restaurant that serves as her home. Although The Admiral did not, as was initially hoped, prove to be a real admiral trapped in cat form who saved the day at the end of the series, she proved to be an ambassador for fat cats, raising their profile everywhere. She even adopted an apprentice, The General (aka Shogun), a small white kitten who she hopes to fatten up and raise as her successor.

After this strong start, 2005 proved to be a watershed year for fat cats in anime, bringing us not only Mikoto of Mai-Otome, but also President Aria. With a new and huggable shape that defied the laws of biology, Mikoto was truly the highlight of Mai-Otome, even proving to be just one member of a whole species of this new type of chubby grey feline. As if she wasn’t huggable enough, the bizarre form of Martian cat President Aria brought still more converts to the side of fat cats, with his distinctive ‘punyu’ winning over the hearts of many.

Despite the subsequent lack of any really high profile kitties to add to the roster, fat cats continue to make their influence felt throughout anime with cameo appearances such as that of ‘Big Boss’ in D.Gray-man. Even when their furry bulk is not filling our screens, images and plushies ensure that they will never be forgotten.

HARD YURI corner: Noir
With HARD YURI skills so intense that they usually ended up killing their lovers, Kirika Yuumura and Mireille Bouquet were forced to live alone, at least until they met each other. Despite Mireille’s jealousy over Kirika’s superior HARD YURI skills and her subsequent need to continually put her new lover in her place, the couple commenced a life of HARD YURI under the code name Noir, sleeping together at night and killing men (a threat to HARD YURI) by day.

What they did not realise, however, was that their actions were all part of a plan set in motion by Altena, a woman who defied the generic males of her organisation in her efforts to bring HARD YURI back to prominence. In order to spice things up, Altena decided to encourage a threesome by sending HARD YURI devotee Chloe to Kirika and Mireille. Eager to see how their relationship dynamics would evolve, Altena manipulated the lives of these three women, eager to see whether Kirika would end up with Mireille or Chloe.

In the end, however, despite Chloe’s unique HARD YURI skills, Kirika chose to be with Mireille, and the pair even killed Altena lest she force them to become her sex slaves. Now the official queens of HARD YURI, Kirika and Mireille stepped out in a new world- but will the men of this world accept their love, or will they try to infect it with STRAIGHT and BI?

Licensing Reactions

• Karin (Geneon): Given that Tokyopop had already picked up the manga, this license wasn’t a big surprise, but this mediocre mix of comedy, romance and spurting blood isn’t something I plan to pick up on DVD. As I said in my annual round up, Karin was one of those series that seemed like it could have been good if it was just a little different, but it was hard to pinpoint what exactly needed to be changed.

Mini-rant: What Golden Age?
Following on the heels of last week’s rant, this week examines the claim that anime has only got worse in recent years. According to the proponents of this theory, once anime was in a Golden Age where classics such as Eva and Akira littered the floor, whereas these days it’s all about fanservice and lolis.

Now, whilst 2007 may not be the best year to argue this point, given the lack of anything truly outstanding thus far, still I feel the time has come to argue against this so-called Golden Age. Putting aside my personal feelings that Eva and Akira aren’t really all they’re cracked up to be (such things can be covered in a future piece), let’s not forget that those years saw their fair share of forgettable series, most of which have happily fallen under the radars of most. From the laughable cheese of ROTK to the gratuitous sex and violence of sci-fi OVAs such as A.D. Police, the past year had plenty of series that deserve burning on a pyre far more than burning to disc.

Now, let’s take a look at 2005-6; once again, there was a lot of crap, but even so, these were not years totally devoid of hope- after all, these were the years that brought us the likes of Aria, Mushishi, Saiunkoku Monogatari and Le Chevalier d’Eon, to name but a few. There may be more anime around now, and certainly more that is readily available to international viewers via DVDs and ‘acquisition’, but as I mentioned last week, there is still a select proportion that is good, and a lot that is average, mediocre or downright awful (who wants to be the first commenter to mention Sturgeon’s Law). In the end, this is true of both the past and the present; the past may seem better due to the fuzziness of memory or the less stringent tastes you may have held then, but there really were no ‘good old days’. Try focusing on the worth to be found from more recent offerings as well.

OST Spotlight: Last Exile OST 1
Dolce Triade and Hitomi Kuroishi come together to create this strong orchestral soundtrack, which has its flaws, but still contains enough strengths to merit investigation. Whilst it falls down on its brass led military themes and slow vocal numbers, this OST also includes some well composed pieces that perfectly capture the sensation of both making a living on the surface and flying against the wind in a tiny vanship.

Notable tracks: Cloud Age Symphony, Flyin’ to Fly, Over the Sky

In Your Reflection

This week’s head to head is a battle of butlers between Keroro Gunso’s Paul and School Rumble’s Nakamura. Both now serve as butlers to the household of the series’ respective rich girls, but each has a military background and still takes enjoyment in combat situations.

Fashion police: Tidus

Whilst he does have to be given some credit for the complexity of his uniform, unfortunately, when it comes to the actual content, Tidus cannot deliver. As if the bare chest wasn’t bad enough, the sides of his jacket are also cut too short, and when combined with his cut-offs, it leaves altogether too much flesh showing. Even with the black base, mixing together three bright primary colours is also too much for the eyes, especially in his CG form, where the yellow is even more prominent. Looking even more closely, we must question the design of his arm guard, not to mention the way his trousers seem to unzip in segments. All in all, a sports uniform turned into something quite bizarrely hideous.

Fashion sense: D-

Amusing Search Terms

Lolicon: you just clicked looking for lolicon, didn’t you? There isn’t any on this blog, so try again.

audition+hacker, audition perfect hack, download free hack perfect auditionsea, getting hack audition: the mystery persists.

hack of harvest moon back to nature: In the hacked version, Anton is invincible.

fate stay nigth season 2 review: There’s a second season?

torture: watching a 26 episode marathon of .hack//Roots should fit the bill.

large boobs: try drinking some milk.

you toube: If you Google this, you will now find Azure Flame in third and fourth position. Now if only I could be that highly ranked for things I actually do write about.

Saiunkoku Monogatari fanfiction: ‘Seiran gazed into the liquid brown eyes of his lover… “What are you doing with that horse?” asked Ensei.’

A romance of three Kingdoms CCTV

top love hina: Top of what?

acid trip: Cat Soup.

miguel ayman: At long last, Miguel is gaining the recognition he deserves

Anyway, on with the show…

Mini-Bites

Neon Genesis Evangelion: Flogging the ground where the corpse of the horse has long since rotted away
Scant months ago, it seemed that the milking of the Eva franchise had peaked with the tenth anniversary boxset and Angelic Days manga, but as it turned out, these were just prequels to the latest project, a series of no fewer than four new movies. Such news is surely made for Tuesday Rumble’s benefit, and so I present my very own guide to making money with Eva:

• Produce several new 26 episode TV series from the perspectives of the different characters, such “Rei’s side”, “Asuka’s side”, “Toji’s side” and “Maya Ibuki’s side”. Release these series on DVD at an episode count of one episode per disc.
• Re-release each DVD in Gold, Platinum, Titanium and Iridium versions. Include new covers, extras and t-shirts to make fans feel that they will miss out if they don’t purchase the latest version.
• Release a comprehensive series of 1/6 and 1/8 Rei Ayanami figures in various outfits, including such variants as “Rei in white dress”, “Rei in magnolia dress” and “Rei in cream dress”. Also release a lesser number of Asuka figures.
• Create 52 new remixes of Fly Me to the Moon and release each one on its own single.
• Use the footage from the new TV series to create a range of compilation movies. Add in two minutes of new footage so that all promotional material can read “now with new material not seen on TV!”.
• Create manga equivalents of each new TV series, and also branch out into light novels. Increase the retail price over that of the average volume to account for high quality paper, colour pages and fancy covers.
• Sit back and watch the money roll in. Place a down payment on that tropical island you always wanted to retire to.
• Addendum- only for use by qualified ADV personnel: Pour money into a black hole entitled “Evangelion live action movie” and use it as an excuse to license second-rate anime and completely make a mess of your manga division.

Loli & Clover- what happened to former “best thing ever”?
Last night, I watched the tenth episode of Honey and Clover II. Eight minutes in, I was disappointed, but decided to myself that such an excellent series didn’t really deserve a rant. By the end of the episode, however, my outlook had changed- a rant was definitely on the cards. In due time, I will create such a rant, but in the meantime, what better place than Tuesday Rumble to air its predecessor, the “Loli and Clover” game?

Aim of the game: Your goal is simple- to attain the object of your heart’s desire through means either fair or foul. You can indulge in text-based dialogues in the style of a regular dating sim, or simply dispense with the chatter and face your opponents in a one-on-one beat-‘em-up situation. In the basic game, there are two main story modes- the titular “Loli and Clover”, in which Morita, Takemoto and Shuu battle for Hagu’s love, and “Possession”, which covers the Rika-Mayama-Yamada-Nomiya tangle. Expansion packs include Miwako X Yamazaki and a pointless visual novel arc for Kaoru.

Mayama demonstrates some of the tactics available in the fighting section of the game.

Weekly Awards

Flawed yet Addictive- Obsession Phase of the Week: In the olden days that most people will know as ‘2005- early 2006’, I held an unashamed love for the .hack franchise. I listened to the OSTs several times a day, I avidly watched SIGN, and spent over 120 hours on the game racing grunties and finishing the item completion quest (admittedly, I was hoping the reward for my efforts would be nothing less than a real grunty, hand-delivered from Bandai’s offices). Unfortunately, .hack later shot itself in the foot by overloading the audience with an excess of content in its ‘r2’ generation, making it little better than parody fodder and earning it only the runner-up prize.

That leaves only one candidate for the winner’s spot, and anyone who has read this will know that the prize must go to Utawarerumono. Neither the anime, game or doujin game are perfect, but put all three together and suddenly an addictive franchise filled with endless possibilities is born. Of late, I’ve even been repeatedly listening to the game OST, and I don’t even like the game music all that much.

Most Unashamed use of Flashbacks: Shounen Jump series are infamous for their use of flashbacks to remind us what happened last episode, or how hero X previously beat villain Y, but none of them can hold a candle to the ultimate in flashback technology, better known as Gundam SEED and its sequels. Whilst clip shows were far from rare in the series, SEED showed us its true genius by integrating reused footage whenever it thought it could get away with it. Introspection, moments of angst, reunions- all of these could be clarified through flashback, and better yet, they could be used multiple times to account for the perspective of every single character.

Miguel, you died at the beginning of SEED, but through the magic of flashback, you shall never be forgotten.

Cheesy J-Pop Theme of the Week: Utawarerumono returns to the top with its addictive OP and ED (Musou Uta and Madoromi no Rinne), but Haruka, Kimi no Moto e (Haruka 8 ) and Show Time! (Burn Up Excess) earn brief mentions as well.

OST gem of the week: Completing the Utaware triple crown is none other than the game’s opening theme, A Song Given Voice, with Kodoku na Kokoro (Rozen Maiden) taking second place.

Most ridiculously out-of-place TV version censor: It’s difficult to pick a winner here, so for this week we have a three-way tie between Air Gear’s crows, Gun X Sword’s donkeys, and the ever present police tape of Chokotto Sister.

New Feature: Amusing Search Engine terms
There are often times when you wonder how a particular search term led to your blog, or even why someone out there was searching for it in the first place. Now, courtesy of Tuesday Rumble and the Wordpress Blog Stats page, some of the most hilarious, bizarre and downright terrifying search terms of the last 7 days can be brought to light.

The hilariously misdirected: “becoming a backing singer in the music industry”, “gay hacker blog”, “Cat on acid+movie”, “20 % pain 20 %pleasure”, “the root of ignominious”

The confusing: “hack audition”, “you toube”, “you Episode move”

The terrifying: “swiss grandpa pr0n”

Extra: Utawarriors Story Mode suggestions
As promised last week, here are the aims of each individual character’s Story Mode.

Orikakan: Fight to restore your place among the elves of Rivendell.

Niwe: Search for the one man able to stand up to you in bed.

Sasante: Undergo an extensive workout to become slim and trim.

Nuwangi: Save up for that operation you’ve always been promising yourself.

Touka: Choose between supporting Orikakan or Hakuoro’s harems.

Hakuoro: Build the ultimate harem and defeat the forces of HARD GAY.

Aruruu: Breed an unstoppable army of Mukkurus.

Eruruu: Kill off rival harem members whilst searching for the perfect blend of tea.

Dorii: Convince dissenters that you are, in fact, male.

Oboro: Battle Kurou for Benawi’s affections.

Teoro: Attempt to avoid the second worst death scene ever.

Guraa: See Dorii.

Derihourai: Defeat Suonkasu and Hakuoro and secure Karura for your own harem.

Genjimaru: Set up an Avu Kamuu tactical training centre.

Kuuya: No fixed objective- it changes every stage.

Benawi: Build a HARD GAY harem.

Karura: Choose between Suonkasu, Derihourai and Hakuoro’s harems.

Kamyu: Evade Munto and befriend as many harem members as possible.

Urotorii: Set up a HARD YURI harem.

Kurou: Earn Benawi’s love by participating in the regional thumb wars.

Suonkasu: Become a flower baron and win Karura’s heart.

Mutsumi: Create a HARD YURI world.

Dii: Create a HARD GAY world.

Kanhorudari: Rejoin the Brotherhood of Mutants as Sabretooth.

Yuzuha: Become first wife in Hakuoro’s harem.

Hien: Rejoin the cast of Sakura Taisen as Ohgami.

Hau: Arrange for a sex change and enrol in a convent.

Even more playable characters

Tamua: Deri’s treacherous underling wields a whip-sword. For his normal attacks, he uses it in sword mode, but it changes to a whip for his special.

Inofushi,Elron+Nicol: When playing as Niwe’s three generals, you start off by controlling only one of them (all are swordsmen), but can summon the other two using special attacks.