How I became ‘perverted’

Maintaining a reputation can be difficult sometimes- one minute you’ve convinced everyone you’re as sweet and innocent as they come, the next you’ve gained a reputation for being a bit of a pervert. The latter isn’t true, of course, but how could such a misunderstanding have come about?

Excuses, Excuses

• “I only played that eroge because I was curious after watching the anime adaptation!”
• “I only acquired those game CGs because I like the character designs!”
• “I only read that yaoi manga because it had an interesting sounding title!”
• “These pictures of couples and naked women are just references for my drawing!”
• “I’m only looking at this adult doujin because someone sent it to me!”
• “I know this anime has adult scenes, but I’m watching it for its historical/dramatic/romantic elements!”

I just played that adult game because it had SRPG elements! I just downloaded those naked women because they looked beautiful! I’m just reading this yaoi manga because I liked the title!

Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei: the lost chapters

Sensei is at his desk, but nothing is happening.

Chiri: Sensei, the bell has rung- you should be taking class!

Sensei: There will be no class today! I must finally depart this mortal coil!

Sensei gets out a noose.

Sensei: Last night, I had a marvellous idea- something that would become my life’s work! But when I woke up this morning, I had forgotten it! There’s no point in living anymore!

Kafka: But Sensei, when we forget things, it’s just to make room for new things!

Sensei: Zetsubou shita! This world where great ideas can so easily be forgotten has left me in despair!

• Ideas you think of whilst falling asleep that are forgotten in the morning because you forgot to write them down.
• Forgetting everything you revise when you get into the exam.
• Forgetting a perfect pitch in front of potential investors.
• Freezing up in the middle of a play or recital.
• Unsaved documents lost in a computer crash.
• Priceless works lost to fire or flood.
• Geniuses dying of malnutrition because they forgot to eat.

Shaman King

Ryu receives some HARD GAY encouragement…

…along with a confession.

“I can get much more aroused than that!”

“A truly Zhuge Liang!”

“Don’t act so surprised- I told you I was large!”

Yoh discovers the joys of fetishism.

A perfect HARD GAY moment.

“I need to study those HARD GAY techniques!”

“Ryu, I’m just not into you.”

“You’re not doing it right!”

Len tries to deny any confusion over sexuality.

“Even if you’re not experienced with HARD GAY, we’ll see how it goes.”

“Man or woman, it’s all the same to you.”

Dragons’ Den

Welcome to our regular feature based on the TV program of the same name, in which anime characters try to market their great idea to five fat cats of anime! President Aria made his fortune in the gondola industry of Neo Venezia, and is now CEO of a well-known company. Mikoto started her business in the capital of Wind Bloom, and is now a trusted advisor to the queen, with business partners scattered across the world. Nyanko-sensei is a contract expert who made his fortune in the supernatural business, and whose sharp observations and ruthless manner make him a formidable businessman. Mr Tibbs started his career as a tea cat for the bank, but his sound grasp of finance saw him rise up the ranks until he became one of their most prominent managers. Finally, The Cardinal is the world’s most powerful fat cat, with a wide range of business interests that ensure that he has a paw in every pie (often literally, depending on his appetite). These five cats represent some heavyweight investment clout in every sense of the word, but is any deal attractive enough to get them to roll off their backsides and shake paws with a budding entrepreneur?

Entering the Den this week is Fai D. Flowright, an entrepreneur with an intriguing concept based around discoveries made whilst travelling.

Fai: Hello, my name is Fai, and I’m here to represent Tsubasa Enterprises. We are looking for investment in the procurement and sale of our product, the Sakura Feather. Made of pure memory, these feathers represent an amazing new power source, one that is both renewable and eco-friendly.

Mr Tibbs: When you say procurement, does that mean you aren’t actually making these?

Fai: Well, not as such, no- we just collect them.

Nyanko-sensei: And how hard is it to collect them?

Fai: It’s not without its challenges- but it’s well worth the effort. They make amazing power sources.

Cardinal: Hmm, I do have the manpower to see to their collection, but I have several questions. First, what’s to stop other people from collecting and selling the same product? Do you have an exclusivity contracts?

Fai: Well, I’m travelling with the heroes, so we always get the feathers.

Mikoto: Always? Bear in mind that we have had Fei Wong Reed in here, who I believe you may be familiar with.

Fai: Okay, there have been one or two exceptions, but we do have the monopoly on the market.

Cardinal: Fair enough, but even so, there must be a finite amount of feathers. I’m very wary of investing in a company whose worth will one day just drop to zero- unless of course you have a contingency plan?

Nyanko-sensei: Now wait a minute, I can see some potential here. Is there any way you could research or take control of actual feather production?

Fai: Erm, I…I honestly don’t know.

Aria: Punyu. [Making feathers is obviously going to cost someone their memories. I’m not comfortable with that, and so I’m out.]

Cardinal: To be honest, as you are, you are not investable. If you can find a way to maintain the exclusivity of your product and the longevity of your business, we’d be interested, but as it is, it’s not something that can be scaled to the levels we’re looking at. I think I speak for all of us when I say- I’m out.

Although most of the Dragons were interested in the product, flaws in the business model have discouraged the Dragons, leaving Fai to go home without the investment he was hoping for.

Scenes we’d like to see

Lines you’d never hear in Star Trek

“Captain, there’s a major disaster affecting the Federation- but another starship has taken care of it so we won’t be needed.”

“Everything is as it seems on this idyllic alien planet- let’s enjoy an entire episode of doing nothing.”

“Captain, I’m not going down to the planet with you- this red shirt means I’d be doomed!”

“You know what, Spock, I really can’t be bothered to save the galaxy today- let’s just leave it.”

“Cap’n, the engines are down, the dilithium crystals are shot, and there’s no way I can fix it! I’m goin’ home for the day!”

“The invading aliens don’t seem to be at all interested in Earth! They’re targeting one of the many other planets in the Federation!”

“Does anyone have a map of this place? I seem to be lost on Deck Five.”

“These alien pleasure women are an illogical nightmare, Captain- I’m completely

and utterly sexually exhausted.”

“People of Earth, we have come to share our knowledge and wisdom with you- and there is absolutely no catch! No really, this time you can trust us!”

This Week in Anime

The sight of so many lemons in anime is unprecedented.

Chop!

Squeeze!

But they won’t give up their secrets easily.

And, if given the chance, they will fight back.

HARD GAY- just say no.

When so many fruits come together, something is bound to happen…

…and indeed, within moments a fight has broken out.

“Just because fruits appear all the time in anime, there’s no need to shove it down our throats!”

“I thought everyone liked putting some ‘banana’ in their mouth.”

“Aagh, someone’s having DOG in here!”

“I feel strangely aroused.”

“No one was ever meant to see DOG!”

“Oranges and whites, get your oranges and whites here!”

“I’ll take an orange- I don’t know what whites are.”

“Smile for the camera, orange!”

That fruit basket from earlier somehow jumps series to end up here.

“Oh my god, he’s having WATERMELON!”

“Destroy this abomination at once!”

“Akagi will be along soon.”

Game World Tour: Mana Khemia

Welcome to a world where your dreams of attending a school of alchemy can finally be realised! At the dedicate Al Revis Academy, you will spend three years on campus, learning alchemic synthesis, combat training and survival skills. Unfortunately, you will not be allowed to leave campus from the time you arrive until the time you graduate, but if you do well enough in your studies, you will have plenty of free time to explore and make new friends. Just be warned- slack off in your studies and you’ll get put in detention! So don’t delay, apply to Al-Revis Academy today!

Mini-rant: Why is it always character A’s fault when character B is a complete and utter a-hole? Is it a reflection on Japanese culture?

Forgive the length of the title, but upon watching Antique Bakery episode 8, I was struck by something- how many times in anime have we seen a character complain about someone acting rudely or indifferently towards them, only to be told it’s their fault? Now, whilst I appreciate that interaction is a two-way thing, and that both sides may not be completely blameless, when we see a character acting deplorably, isn’t it the fault of that particular character? Is it merely indicative of the values of politeness, respect, obedience and so forth in Japanese culture that mean we should take it as our own fault when people treat us badly? Shouldn’t we just call them out for being the assholes that they are?

Take Leon in Kaleido Star, for example- he went as far as dropping his partner, and then Sora and May get the blame for not being trusting enough. Personally, I don’t blame them for being wary if he’s going to take it into his head to do something like that.

Harem of the week: Vayne (Mana Khemia)

A quiet and sometimes weak-willed character, Vayne started out pretty indifferent to the world, but still somehow managed to amass girls around him

Harem

Jess: The main girl, classmate and the first one to befriend Vayne when he comes to Al-Revis Academy. Suffers from a mysterious sickness.

Nikki: An outspoken catgirl with super strength and the desire to marry lots of husbands and bear lots of children.

Pamela: A ghost who resides in the school library, Pamela is whimsical and easily distracted.

Anna: A pre-teen master of swords, she is an impeccable samurai but sometimes misinterprets social situations due to her overly serious nature.

Class has begun, but Sensei is nowhere to be seen, and in his place is a crudely made replica.

Chiri: What is this?

Kaede: I can’t be taught by a fake! I’ll sue!

[Meru: What a stupid reproduction.]

Sensei appears from nowhere!

Sensei: This is the new, automated Sensei! In an age where humans are alowly being replaced by robots, we must move with the times!

Chiri pokes at the reproduction with a stick and the head falls off.

Sensei: Zetsubou shita! This world of callous automation has left me in despair!

• Automated phone systems- press one to advance.
• Self-service checkouts.
• The possibility that many TV celebrities are just androids.
• New robot that can perform surgery.
• Computers secretly gaining sentience.
• Movies about robotic rebellions.

Shion no Ou 22

Apart from the obvious Pleasure jokes, he’s complaining about injuring his hand whilst murdering Shion’s parents- obviously she should appreciate the trouble he went through.

“Pleasure! I must have more Pleasure!”

“It’s like a drug to me!”

“I want to be a part of this orgy!”

“There’s no point in holding back and not getting satisfaction.”

“Pleasure is as much about your partner as yourself.”

Dragons’ Den

Welcome to our regular feature based on the TV program of the same name, in which anime characters try to market their great idea to five fat cats of anime! President Aria made his fortune in the gondola industry of Neo Venezia, and is now CEO of a well-known company. Mikoto started her business in the capital of Wind Bloom, and is now a trusted advisor to the queen, with business partners scattered across the world. Nyanko-sensei is a contract expert who made his fortune in the supernatural business, and whose sharp observations and ruthless manner make him a formidable businessman. Mr Tibbs started his career as a tea cat for the bank, but his sound grasp of finance saw him rise up the ranks until he became one of their most prominent managers. Finally, The Cardinal is the world’s most powerful fat cat, with a wide range of business interests that ensure that he has a paw in every pie (often literally, depending on his appetite). These five cats represent some heavyweight investment clout in every sense of the word, but is any deal attractive enough to get them to roll off their backsides and shake paws with a budding entrepreneur?

Entering the Den this week is Keiichirou Tachibana, who is looking for investment in his Antique Bakery business, offering a unique mixture of delicious cakes and HARD GAY. Is the way to a Dragon’s heart through their stomach?

Tachibana: Hello, my name is Tachibana, and I’m the proprietor of Antique, a bakery offering cakes crafted by an expert Paris-trained patissier.

Mikoto: I won’t deny that we all like a good cake, but what sets your bakery apart from the thousands of others in the world?

Tachibana: Simple- no other bakery is as HARD GAY as mine.

Aria: Punyu. [That doesn’t sound like much of a selling point to me.]

Tachibana: I assure you that we appeal to the ladies too.

Tachibana puts on his best smile, but can the hard hearts of the Dragons possibly be softened?

Mikoto: Not only do you not appeal in the slightest, but as a royal cat, I can have my food delivered. What would make me want to order from your company?

Tachibana: Here, taste this.

The Dragons are offered a selection of cakes, which quickly vanish into their stomachs.

Cardinal: Hmm, not bad.

Nyanko-sensei: It’s a bit sweet for me- do you have any savoury dishes?

Tachibana: We’re about to launch our new savoury range in the New Year.

Cardinal: To be honest, the idea of investing in a bakery is interesting, but this is too HARD GAY for my image, so I’m out.

Aria: Punyu! [We already have many good cake shops in Neo Venezia, so I don’t think there’s room in the market for this.]

Mr Tibbs: Are you planning to go down the franchise route when it comes to opening more bakeries?

Tachibana: I hadn’t really thought that far ahead.

Mr Tibbs: Wait a minute- you’ve come here to ask for money from us and you don’t even have a proper business plan!? I’m disgusted, and I’m out.

Tachibana has failed to impress the Dragons, and three are out already. Will either the sceptical Mikoto or new Dragon Nyanko-sensei bite?

Mikoto: Yours is a small business, and with any luck, it will stay small- which is why I’m out.

Tachibana: Nyanko-sensei?

Nyanko-sensei: Tell me a bit about yourself- how did you get to this point?

Tachibana: Well, to be honest, I don’t like sweet things, but many years ago I was kidnapped by a man who force fed me cake. Thanks to that experience, I quit my job in the City and opened a bakery.

Nyanko-sensei: You don’t even like cakes?

Tachibana: Uh, no, not really.

Nyanko-sensei: Well, I can’t invest in someone who doesn’t believe in his own product, and that’s why I’m out.

Tachibana has lost all the Dragons, and must leave the Den with nothing. Without a sound business, even the sweetest cake won’t go down a treat with these investors.

This Week in Anime

Kazuki loses his nerve when confronted by yet another bowl of strawberries (okay, it’s the same bowl as last week).

“We are the strawberries…of DOOM!”

“Take that, strawberries of DOOM!”

During Hyper Self Pleasure, one man hasn’t grasped that you usually call out “Yes!”

Pineapple and cherry meet in a strange blue cocktail.

“His name was…Superman!”

No strawberry shall escape divine justice!

An evil rubber duck is capsized.

Zetsubou shita!

These oranges have no idea what lies in store for them.

“I can’t help it- I hate the smug looks on their faces!”

Just stop torturing those innocent oranges!

Flash Game Review: Monkey Puzzle

A game I discovered some ten years ago on the now defunct Games Domain, Monkey Puzzle is based on the typical “connect three of the same colour” game class. As the water rises, your only hope of escape is to launch different coloured coconuts into the air in an attempt to bring down the monkeys that block your path. Although the pattern of each level is identical, precise skill and timing is increasingly required as you progress in the game, and by level ten or eleven, the water is rising continuously- so woe betide anyone who makes even the tiniest of mistakes!

Harem of the week: Shinkurou Kurenai (Kurenai)

A high school student with a dangerous part-time job, Shinkurou was thrown in at the deep end when he had to become bodyguard for Murasaki, the escaped daughter of the Kuhouin family.

Harem

Murasaki: The main girl and obligatory loli. The series just about manages to make the relationship between them seem sweet rather than inappropriate.

Tamaki: Flatmate and outgoing university student with a reputation as a man-eater. Her bold personality hides deep seated insecurities.

Yamie: Goth girl who only dresses in black.

Benika: Older woman, mentor and teacher to Shinkurou.

Yayoi: Benika’s deputy, she watches over Shinkurou and Murasaki from the shadows.

Ginko: Schoolmate with a love of computers and an ability to nose out any scrap of information.

Yuno: Schoolmate and sparring partner; helps Shinkurou to train and strengthen himself.

Anime Olympics

With the real Olympics having just finished, it’s time for our favourite anime characters to step up to the plate and have a go at their own unique set of events. Highlight include-

• Trap Race: how fast can you dress as a member of the opposite sex?
• Harem relay: harem members race around the track in an attempt to get the object of their desire.
• Fat cat rollathon: fat cats roll towards their food bowls.
• Metal Diving: contestants must swim through Real Drive’s virtual reality.
• Mobile Suit race: how quickly can one Gundam pilot destroy generic mobile suits?
• Strip Fighting: high school girls battle in an attempt to see who can end up in their bra and panties the fastest.
• Swimsuit competition: obligatory.
• Special Attack Contest: who can shout the name of their attack the fastest? Who has the most ridiculous special move?

Seen any other events at the Anime Olympics? Be sure to tell us all about them!

Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei: the lost chapters

Sensei enters the classroom, more depressed than ever.

Kafka: Sensei, what’s wrong?

Sensei: I went to see my favourite actor last night!

Kafka: Isn’t that a good thing? Getting to meet your hero in the flesh!

Sensei: No- he was old!

Chiri: Meeting your heroes is always a disappointment.

Sensei: It’s not just that- he was past his prime!

Sensei gets out a noose.

Matoi: No, Sensei, don’t die without me!

Sensei: This isn’t for me! This is to kill off all actors before they get old and start losing their looks and talent! Zetsubou shita! This world where things continue past their best has left me in despair!

• Celebrities who become old and ugly.
• TV and book series that go on for so long that even their greatest fans don’t like them anymore.
• Favourite items that become old and unusable.
• Relatives who become too old and feeble to be useful.
• Old money that isn’t legal tender anymore.

Amtsuki 13

A mountain giving birth to a fox? Even I’m not that twisted.

“He was a real Countdown addict- he just couldn’t help it!”

“They specify the type of Pleasure that they want.”

Really?

“I am God! Monty Python style!”

“Now, are you an old man with a beard?”

Oh no, someone’s cracked the camera!

Ginshu has Pleasure with some giant Buddha statues from Gantz.

“Wait- are these leftover butterflies from the ending of Iroha?”

Now the world is falling apart!

Dragons’ Den

Welcome to our regular feature based on the TV program of the same name, in which anime characters try to market their great idea to five fat cats of anime! President Aria made his fortune in the gondola industry of Neo Venezia, and is now CEO of a well-known company. Mikoto started her business in the capital of Wind Bloom, and is now a trusted advisor to the queen, with business partners scattered across the world. The Admiral’s first business venture was to invest in a Chinese restaurant, but a meteor threat to Earth saw her buy shares in ground and space based defence technology, which she currently administers with her protégé “The General” (aka Shogun). Mr Tibbs started his career as a tea cat for the bank, but his sound grasp of finance saw him rise up the ranks until he became one of their most prominent managers. Finally, The Cardinal is the world’s most powerful fat cat, with a wide range of business interests that ensure that he has a paw in every pie (often literally, depending on his appetite). These five cats represent some heavyweight investment clout in every sense of the word, but is any deal attractive enough to get them to roll off their backsides and shake paws with a budding entrepreneur?

Hello and welcome to a special behind the scenes edition of Dragons’ Den. Following the first season of this fat cat rip-off of a popular BBC programme, we’ve decided to keep things fresh by introducing a new Dragon to the team! Whilst The Admiral departs for the world of book deals, speaking tours and cheap publicity, she will be replaced in the Den by Nyanko-sensei, who, whilst technically not a fat cat, looks enough like one to be let in. Nyanko-sensei is a contract expert who made his fortune in the supernatural business, and whose sharp observations and ruthless manner make him a formidable businessman. Expect to see Nyanko-sensei debut in the Den next week!

This Week in Anime

Don’t eat it- strawberries only lead to trouble!

Note the basket of fruit in the background- only a seasoned pro would spot those.

HORSE- coming indoors for your convenience.

Nonetheless, the dedicated HORSEman stills prefers to have it outside whilst stark naked.

Get those shiny strawberries away from me!

Hidamari Sketch’s rubber duck content mysteriously doubles.

“Should we really eat these strawberries of doom?”

In the world of live-action, lemons prove to be troublesome in The Scorpion King 2: Crappy Sequels Make Us Money.

Even Yoshinoya-sensei is getting in on the lemon act.

“You know they’re dangerous!”

“Aagh, reality is being warped by strawberries!”

This man is desperate to impress the food critics.

Strawberries of doom…

…followed by pizza (Hut)!

This is not a combination to be taken lightly, you fool!

What a cruel fate for a noble apple.

Flash Game Review: Chicken and Egg

I was actually looking for a different game where you have to breed chickens whilst making sure you don’t put two cocks together lest disaster occurs (if anyone knows the game I’m talking about, please link to it), but my top search result was Chicken and Egg. The object of the game is to move eggs of the same colour next to each other so that they will hatch, but naturally there are all sorts of obstacles and only a limited number of clicks per level. Although not as hard overall as other games of this type, Chicken and Egg is still a fun mix of brains and timing that will pass a few minutes now and then.

Harem of the week: Rentarou (Futakoi Alternative)

In a world with the same twins but a whole different setting to the original, Rentarou ‘Nidame’ balanced running his detective agency and fighting giant squid with meeting beautiful twins.

Sara and Sojyu: The main girls and Rentarou’s assistants- he may not know much about their past or their home life, but he knows that the three of them belong together.

Kira and Yura: Daughters of a local yakuza boss, they masquerade as “Gothloli Mask”, a crime fighting duet.

Rara and Ruru: Juvenile secret agents with some explosive moves.

Ai and Mai: The seductive older women.

Kaoruko and Sumireko

Ui and Koi

Book Promotion Special

Here at Azure Flame we like to keep you up to date with the latest developments in the anime world- everything from the Spice and Wolf trading game to the acclaimed crossover series “Mewsou Renkin”. Today, however, we’re here to advertise a new set of self-help books, written by some of the finest names in anime!

From Friendship to Marriage: A Guide to Relationships by Irie Naoki

Everyone’s favourite husband, Irie Naoki, takes us through relationships with the aid of his extensive personal experience. Learn how to impress the ladies and land that someone special with Naoki’s impeccable advice. Here are some extracts from this bestselling novel.

“Girls don’t appreciate affection, so act as coldly towards them as possible. Use their unrequited feelings for you to manipulate them into believing they’d never love anyone else, and then get married as quickly as possible. Don’t worry about the bonds of matrimony- you can treat wedlock as little more than casual dating.”

Top Class Dad by Oscar ‘Major Stork’ Whittington

The next book to hit the selves this summer is Oscar Whittington’s guide to being the perfect father- a must for all current and prospective dads!

“The best way to foster a relationship with your daughter is to abandon her at an early age and live the life of a cold-blooded murderer. When you are finally reunited with her, a simple birthday gift will be enough to mend any feelings of estrangement or dislike. The truly thoughtful dad will even go so far as to ask the love of her life to leave her for a life of undercover work.”

Love and Marriage: A Modern Perspective by Wil Schultz

A follow-up to Top Class Dad, Love and Marriage delves deeper into the process of raising a family.

“It is important not to casually say ‘I love you’ to your partner; save it for that moment when you get her pregnant and then leave her all alone. Fatherhood is enhanced by distance, so never admit to your child that you’re their parent; instead watch over them from a distance, maintaining a cool, professional relationship at all times.”

Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei: the lost chapters

Sensei enters the classroom at the beginning of another school day. He is looking particularly unkempt.

Chiri: Sensei, what happened?

[Meru: You can’t afford to look any worse than usual.]

Sensei: What’s the point of it all? Even if I bother to clean up, I’ll just get dirty again!

Kafka: So Sensei is just saving energy by not washing! How noble!

Chiri: Uh, I don’t think that’s it…

Maria: In Maria’s home country, we didn’t wash for years!

Matoi: I’ll love you no matter what, Sensei!

Sensei: Zetsubou shita! The society that places so much value on personal care has left me in despair!

• Having to wash when you’ll just get dirty again.
• Constantly needing haircuts because it keeps growing.
• Hair removal, manicures and other potentially painful processes.
• Anti-ageing creams that never work.
• Celebrities paying thousands for dodgy surgical processes.
• Getting dressed up nicely and then having to constantly get changed to do household jobs.

Amatsuki 12

This hamster must have been the brush god that never made it into the final cut of Okami.

“…for the Pokemon battles!”

“That’s not playing fair and you know it!”

“…then you’re no good to HARD GAY!”

“Exterminate!”

Toki shows extreme arrogance by calling his Liang “Master” during a Hyper Self Pleasure session.

Ignorance at its finest.

“He’s my lover!”

“Are you here for HARD GAY?”

“Sorry to disappoint, but I’ve gone STRAIGHT!”

“How could you abandon the ways of HARD GAY for mere STRAIGHT?”

“Just go and sleep with your new lover and stop bothering me!”

“Don’t turn to the STRAIGHT side!”

“Toki, you can only sleep with one person at a time.”

“Trying to sleep with everyone you meet will only end in tragedy.”

“I’m sorry- I just can’t seem to satisfy my raging libido!”

“Those days are over now that we’ve conceived the child you always wanted!”

“I won’t have you skipping out and leaving me to raise it all alone!”

Dragons’ Den

Welcome to our regular feature based on the TV program of the same name, in which anime characters try to market their great idea to five fat cats of anime! President Aria made his fortune in the gondola industry of Neo Venezia, and is now CEO of a well-known company. Mikoto started her business in the capital of Wind Bloom, and is now a trusted advisor to the queen, with business partners scattered across the world. The Admiral’s first business venture was to invest in a Chinese restaurant, but a meteor threat to Earth saw her buy shares in ground and space based defence technology, which she currently administers with her protégé “The General” (aka Shogun). Mr Tibbs started his career as a tea cat for the bank, but his sound grasp of finance saw him rise up the ranks until he became one of their most prominent managers. Finally, The Cardinal is the world’s most powerful fat cat, with a wide range of business interests that ensure that he has a paw in every pie (often literally, depending on his appetite). These five cats represent some heavyweight investment clout in every sense of the word, but is any deal attractive enough to get them to roll off their backsides and shake paws with a budding entrepreneur?

Arriving in the Den this week is Mai-Otome’s John Smith, who is hoping that his range of Otome GEMs will whet the appetites of our feline investors. Mikoto already has previous experience in this field, but will he be able to catch her eye?

Smith: Hello Dragons, my name is John Smith and I’m here to represent Otome GEMs Limited. As I’m sure you know, the jewellery market is one that continues to thrive, and we’re here to introduce a brand new range to the discerning consumer. From our generic Coral and Pearl ranges to custom high-end pieces, each Gem can be set into an earring or ring, enabling the use of special powers!

Mikoto: Been there, done that- this isn’t a profitable business, so I’m out.

Mr Tibbs: I’m actually interested, but tell me, say I wanted to buy more than one Blue Sky Sapphire, for example- would that be at all possible?

Smith: So far we’ve only been able to source one pair of each type.

Admiral: How are you manufacturing these?

Smith: Uh, we just find them.

Admiral: So you’re just a reseller then? What’s to stop me finding some GEMs and selling them myself?

Smith: Well, nothing really- but we do have an exclusive product line of in-house Slave GEMs that can be worn as pendants! They even let you control giant monsters.

Mikoto: Why don’t you tell the other Dragons how you turn into green sparkles if your monster is defeated?

Smith: …

It’s a shocking revelation, and one that has certainly soured the mood in the Den. Will any Dragon want to invest after this?

Aria: Punyu! [I think this is a ridiculous idea that won’t generate any profit, and that’s why I’m out.]

Cardinal: To be honest, in the right hands the product could have potential, but your lazy approach to production means that you’ll run your company into the ground within months. I’d invest in the product, but not in you- and that’s why I’m out.

John Smith’s dreams of marketing Otome GEMs lie in tatters! Can anyone impress our jaded investors?

This Week in Anime

“Those apples may be more dangerous than they appear.”

“Oh no, they’re floating away and I’m powerless to stop it!”

“Captured- and tasted.”

“Hyper Self Pleasure in the sea is such a great feeling!”

“Our home was infested by apples.”

A trio of food critics decides to prepare dinner.

Unfortunately, there is some disagreement over preparation.

Aagh, a mechanical tomato! What has become of the world?

“He’s only interested in Liangs on his level.”

“We desperately need HARD GAY!”

“Given the size of your Ezo, I’ll won’t get my hopes up.”

“Alert! Alert! Rival detected!”

“Gwakakaka!”

In golem competitions, it’s important to get your priorities straight.

“Swords are there to be used.”

“They really know how to do breast enlargements!”

“They fill me with dread! I can’t be in the same room as pies and cakes!”

Flash game review: Clay Kitten Shooting

We’ve all heard of clay pigeon shooting, but fewer of us have indulged in Clay Kitten Shooting; a cruel-sounding yet oddly amusing game in which one must shoot cartoon kittens as they fly across the screen. With a limited amount of shots and each level demanding more accuracy, the game is quick to become hard but highly addictive at the same time.

Harem of the week: Nozomu Futami (Futakoi)

Not content with just adding single girls to his harem, Futami specialised in attracting twins.

Harem

Kaoruko and Sumireko: The childhood friends with secret feelings for Nozomu.

Kira and Yura: The clueless rich girls who must slowly learn about normal life.

Rara and Ruru: The lolis with an open claim on Nozomu as their future husband.

Ui and Koi: The gentle animal lovers.

Ai and Mai: The seductive older women.

Sara and Sojyu: The sick girl and the tsundere.

Welcome to our regular feature based on the TV program of the same name, in which anime characters try to market their great idea to five fat cats of anime! President Aria made his fortune in the gondola industry of Neo Venezia, and is now CEO of a well-known company. Mikoto started her business in the capital of Wind Bloom, and is now a trusted advisor to the queen, with business partners scattered across the world. The Admiral’s first business venture was to invest in a Chinese restaurant, but a meteor threat to Earth saw her buy shares in ground and space based defence technology, which she currently administers with her protégé “The General” (aka Shogun). Mr Tibbs started his career as a tea cat for the bank, but his sound grasp of finance saw him rise up the ranks until he became one of their most prominent managers. Finally, The Cardinal is the world’s most powerful fat cat, with a wide range of business interests that ensure that he has a paw in every pie (often literally, depending on his appetite). These five cats represent some heavyweight investment clout in every sense of the word, but is any deal attractive enough to get them to roll off their backsides and shake paws with a budding entrepreneur?

Braving the Den this week is John, a chef with a rather unique line of recipes to sell.

John: Hello Dragons. I’m generic chef John and I have come up with a new food line that is bound to outsell anything on the market so far! I call it the Chocolate Underground Collection!

Aria: Punyu! [Sounds great- is it a new line of rich chocolate confectionary?]

John: Uh, no- it’s actually a line of health foods based on the restrictions from Chocolate Underground. Since chocolate, vanilla, honey and pretty much every flavouring is forbidden, I’m come with a unique line of bland mushes that should satisfy every palate.

Mr Tibbs: Surely it’s possible to make tasty health foods? What about mixed fruit packs?

John: Hmm, I hadn’t considered that- but here, try this bran mush before you start complaining.

The Dragons reluctantly try John’s bran mush, but none of them seem impressed by its lack of flavour.

Mikoto: I’m not impressed by the complete lack of flavour. I don’t see this selling anywhere, and that’s why I’m out.

Aria: Punyu! [Agreed- I’m out too.]

Admiral: I made my fortune from Chinese restaurants, so I doubt there’s anyone here who knows more about food than I do- and I can tell you that you need to go back to the drawing board with this one.

Mr Tibbs: Forget the drawing board- take it straight to the bin.

Cardinal: Selling health foods to fat cats was a mistake from the start. I think I speak for all of us when I wish you a speedy farewell.

John has crashed out of the Den in flames! Will the next entrepreneur fare any better?

This Week in Anime

You can’t have a viridian cocktail without a slice of lemon.

Team A has chosen to prepare outdoor baked fish the traditional way, but impatient cooks must beware not to undercook it.

Meanwhile, Team B is preparing Unspecified Floating Brown Object Stew using a wood oven.

Members of the Orange Society have a secret meeting.

Lina tires of the prevalence of fruit in anime.

Hands up who’s thinking of that scene in Harry Potter where Sirius talks through the fireplace.

After seeing its compatriot hanged, this poor banana is about to spend its life in captivity.

If in doubt, there’s always the Harvest Moon way of life.

Don’t even ask what’s going on here.

But which is better- melons or bananas? There’s only one way to find out- FIGHT!

Melons emerge as the winner of this impromptu battle.

Why choose between different fruits when you can have them all?

Disillusioned with all the outdoor foods that are being cooked above, our critics opt for a gourmet night out instead- complete with Strawberries of Doom.

A rubber duck encourages Momoko to suggest bath HARD YURI.

“I am the destined guardian of these apples.”

“Boy, you’re wasting your life- join the orange side!”

“But beware- this is what happens to anyone who tries to leave our exclusive club.”

Anime World Tour: Toshokan Sensou

Welcome to a world where censorship protects you from all the evils that lurk in books! Never worry again that your children are indulging in unsuitable reading- everything here is safe and sanitised! We have committees working day and night to keep everything pure and acceptable to your eyes, so relax and let us take care of it! And don’t worry about those libraries- they’re just there so we can keep all the filth isolated in one place!

Harem of the week: Ukiya Shun (Gatekeepers)

As a main character with special powers, it was no wonder that Ukiya could gather women around him, but would romance take a backseat to saving the world from generic invaders?

Harem

Ruriko: The childhood friend and main girl, this tsundere hides her feelings under a veneer of anger that Ukiya remembers her as “snot-nosed Rurippe”.

Reiko: The none-too-bright rich girl.

Kaoru: The main rival, a forward girl with amazing athletic prowess.

Fei: The genius loli from China.

Yukino: The quiet and mysterious girl whose connection to the team is the only way to escape her isolated existence.

Kurogane: The smart-aleck meganekko.

]]> http://azureflame.dasaku.net/2008/08/05/tuesday-rumble-august-5th/feed/ 3 http://azureflame.dasaku.net/2008/07/29/tuesday-rumble-july-29th/ http://azureflame.dasaku.net/2008/07/29/tuesday-rumble-july-29th/#comments Tue, 29 Jul 2008 19:54:23 +0000 Karura http://azureflame.dasaku.net/?p=3278

Dragons’ Den

Welcome to our regular feature based on the TV program of the same name, in which anime characters try to market their great idea to five fat cats of anime! President Aria made his fortune in the gondola industry of Neo Venezia, and is now CEO of a well-known company. Mikoto started her business in the capital of Wind Bloom, and is now a trusted advisor to the queen, with business partners scattered across the world. The Admiral’s first business venture was to invest in a Chinese restaurant, but a meteor threat to Earth saw her buy shares in ground and space based defence technology, which she currently administers with her protégé “The General” (aka Shogun). Mr Tibbs started his career as a tea cat for the bank, but his sound grasp of finance saw him rise up the ranks until he became one of their most prominent managers. Finally, The Cardinal is the world’s most powerful fat cat, with a wide range of business interests that ensure that he has a paw in every pie (often literally, depending on his appetite). These five cats represent some heavyweight investment clout in every sense of the word, but is any deal attractive enough to get them to roll off their backsides and shake paws with a budding entrepreneur?

The latest entrant to the Den is the mysterious Tailor, who has come to market a rather unique line of clothing.

Tailor: Hello, my name is Tailor and I represent the interests of the company who supplies Ikki Tousen, Sekirei and related series with clothing. I’m here to ask for investment in our special line of ‘easy-rip’ clothing. Easy rip clothes tear off at the drop of a hat, leaving the wearer clad in only their underwear.

The Admiral: We’re cats- why would we be interested in clothes?

Aria: Punyu! [Well, actually I’m a collector of hats and accessories, but I prefer ones that are durable enough for a hard day’s work in Neo Venezia.]

Mikoto: Likewise, I prefer outfits that can stand up to all the rolling around and eating I do in the course of a normal day.

Tailor: But trust me- once you try these clothes, you’ll never want to go back!

Mikoto: Sorry, but I’m not convinced, and that’s why I’m out.

Aria: Punyu! [I’m out as well].

Mr Tibbs: I’m actually rather interested to learn why the underwear doesn’t rip as well.

Tailor: Well, in order to keep within broadcast regulations, we have to make the underwear out of a super-durable fabric.

Mr Tibbs: Interesting. Now, if I’m right, don’t your paper-thin clothes mean that the customer has to keep buying replacements?

Tailor: Yes, that’s just it!

Mr Tibbs: Well, in that case I can see massive profit potential in this venture, and I would like to make you an offer.

Tailor: Really? Well, in that case, I’d love to accept your offer.

Having impressed the hard to impress Mr Tibbs, Tailor has secured the first offer from the Dragons in while. Let’s hope he puts that investment to good use for the future of crappy fanservice series.

Blade of the Immortal

Bee Train really like their red moons, don’t they?

“Today’s talking point: murder- right or wrong? Phone in with your views!”

“Why did you have to make me HARD GAY?”

“You think you’ve got problems, but I’m a woman with a Liang!”

“But I thought we were having HARD GAY!”

I thought this was a metaphor at first until I realised it was the real deal.

“I’m not in the mood for HARD GAY right now.”

“Not in the mood?”

“Too bad, because you’re going to be having it anyway!”

“Twelve? No man could have that many Liangs!”

“Oh well, even twelve Liangs will be satisfied by twenty men.”

“I can promise that all of you will die of sexual exhaustion after just one night with me!”

This Week in Anime

“Must reach…giant fruit so I can present it on…Tuesday Rumble…”

There’s just too much wrong with this page…

But what about narrative convention? Is it meaningless now?

“But which is better- pink dango, or brown dango? There’s only one way to find out- FIGHT!”

“Oh, sorry, I thought you said your arse was perfect!”

No they aren’t- they’re here to laugh when you fail.

“Any man will do, as long as he has the stamina to go a few rounds in the bedroom.”

New Wang reveals their new built-in lighting add-on.

Angry mothers decide to show men just what it’s like to give birth.

“Gwakakaka!”

Aagh, rubber duck!

These bananas were clearly found guilty of some terrible wrongdoing.

“Which is we why now say Liang and two buns.”

Dancing apple is caught on camera.

“

Serge will be publishing his own villain’s handbook- “The Seven I’s”- this autumn.

Ah, so that’s the new excuse for looking at adult magazines.

HARD YURI in action.

Flash Game Review: Crimson Room

If you like puzzles, escaping locked rooms and endless clicking, then the Crimson Room is for you! A game that requires observation and brainpower in order to ever get out, the Crimson Room is both addictive and frustrating, and once you complete it, the even harder Viridian Room awaits!

Harem of the week: Issun (Okami)

Diminutive he may be, but tiny artist Issun knew how to chat up the ladies- even if it didn’t seem to result in much actual success.

Harem

Sakuya: A tree spirit whose revealing clothing makes her an instant hit with Issun.

Rao: A priestess and ‘busty babe’ whose assets attract Issun’s attention.

Kaguya: The bamboo princess from the moon- Issun and Amaterasu rescue her from the royal palace.

Fuse: Gentle and kind leader of the Canine Warriors, although they don’t always listen to her.

Himiko: Queen of Sei-An city.

Otohime: Leader of the underwater people.

Kai: A Wep’keer girl who can transform into a dog.

Lika: A young girl with the power to make the northern volcano erupt.

2-H enters the classroom, only to see that the whole place is lit by candles- Sensei is in the shadows.

Chiri: Sensei, what’s going on?

Chiri switches the light on, causing Sensei to rise up and scream.

Sensei: You mustn’t!

Maria: Sensei’s a vampire!

(Meru: Idiot.)

Sensei: Turn that light off! Class, today we must spend the entire day without relying on electricity once! Therefore, IT class is cancelled- we’ll watch an educational movie instead!

Chiri: But to watch the movie we’ll need a TV and DVD player.

Sensei: Zetsubou shita! The culture that relies so much on electricity has left me in despair!

• Can’t use TV, games consoles or computers, among other things.
• Even battery-powered laptops, mobiles and handheld gaming devices will need recharging.
• Forgotten how to cook without oven, hob and microwave.
• Water can only be boiled over a fire.
• DVDs trapped in the player until power returns.
• No lighting at night.

Amatsuki 8

“I may be huge, but this DOG will be Pleasurable.”

Hmm, does that still work these days?

“On top, maybe, but I won’t be your bitch.”

“I desire it that much!”

Amatsuki 9

Toki catches the eye of a potential HARD GAY partner.

“…already skilled in the ways of HARD GAY?”

“Why, when I was young, I barely knew of such things! How times change…”

“It’s just that you’re so damned good-looking!”

“Strip naked and prepared to be spanked!”

“Are you off to the blue light district again?”

“How many times do I have to tell you not to sleep around?”

They aren’t? My education has been sorely lacking.

The most common problem of FOX is highlighted.

Dragons’ Den

Welcome to our regular feature based on the TV program of the same name, in which anime characters try to market their great idea to five fat cats of anime! President Aria made his fortune in the gondola industry of Neo Venezia, and is now CEO of a well-known company. Mikoto started her business in the capital of Wind Bloom, and is now a trusted advisor to the queen, with business partners scattered across the world. The Admiral’s first business venture was to invest in a Chinese restaurant, but a meteor threat to Earth saw her buy shares in ground and space based defence technology, which she currently administers with her protégé “The General” (aka Shogun). Mr Tibbs started his career as a tea cat for the bank, but his sound grasp of finance saw him rise up the ranks until he became one of their most prominent managers. Finally, The Cardinal is the world’s most powerful fat cat, with a wide range of business interests that ensure that he has a paw in every pie (often literally, depending on his appetite). These five cats represent some heavyweight investment clout in every sense of the word, but is any deal attractive enough to get them to roll off their backsides and shake paws with a budding entrepreneur?

This week in the Den we have Haru and Kurama, who are here to pitch a revolutionary new form of the internet known as “The Metal”. Will the Dragons jump at the chance to be at the forefront of this technological revolution?

Kurama: Hello everyone, I’m Kurama, this is Haru, and we’re here today to pitch for investment in a brand new technological development called the Meta-Real, or Metal for short. Basically, what it allows you to do is dive into a virtual reality tailored to your choice.

Cardinal: Been there, done that.

Kurama: Ah, but this is different. Allow me to play a short video.

Kurama shows a video of the ocean-like nature of the Metal.

Aria: Punyu? [Why does it look like an ocean?]

Kurama: Well, uh, no one knows, really. But dogs have their own Metal, so presumably fat cats could too.

Mikoto: We are not fat!

Admiral: I have to admit that swimming around in a virtual ocean seems a bit too much like hard work to me- I’m out.

Kurama: But the possibilities are endless, like wish fulfilment, virtual sex and er, multiple orgasms.

Aria: Punyu! [There’s no way I can attach my name to such a seedy practice- I’m out.]

Mr Tibbs: Tell me, what sort of equipment do you need to connect to the Metal?

Kurama: Well, like Haru here, you can get yourself a cyberbrain- or you can use a special diving bell type apparatus.

Mr Tibbs: Could you tell me a little more about these cyberbrains? Would they let me log onto the bank directly?

Kurama: Yes, but you’d run the risk of having your brain hacked or your spare CPU cycles put to use by unscrupulous companies.

Mr Tibbs: Well, I have to admit that I’m unwilling to invest until those security risks are worked out, so I’m out.

Cardinal: I must admit that while I’m interested in virtual realities in general, this one does seem a little convoluted for my tastes. I understand that you were trying to be different, but I think it’s backfired- when I go online I want to relax, not literally go diving.

It seems as if the Metal isn’t a big hit in the Den- the Dragons have seen better virtual realities already. Kurama and Haru will have to leave emptyhanded.

Anime Big Brother

Maki settles into his room in the Big Brother house.

Aoki: Hey, Maki, did you bring your women’s clothes? I was hoping we could have a little dress up session later.

Maki: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Aoki: Yes you do, don’t you remember?

Maki: Shut up, Aoki!

Meanwhile, in the living room…

Allison: I love you, Wil!

Wil: Eh? Oh, that’s nice. Do you like my sweater?

Kuu-chan: Is dinner ready yet? I’m starving.

Lawrence: I’ll sell you these apples for three Thoreni silver coins.

Horo: Get away from those apples! They’re mine!

Doumeki: Watanuki, everyone’s getting hungry.

Watanuki: And I suppose you’re going to say it’s my turn to cook again? Honestly, I don’t know why I put up with this.

Doumeki: Don’t forget your apron.

Watanuki: Thanks- hey, wait a minute!

This Week in Anime

See what happens to oranges stored in the fridge.

Aagh, tangerines are taking over her brain!

Natsume Yuujinchou supports peaches!

Beyblade spotted on Wagaya no Oinari-sama.

Could this be the fruit invasion that we’ve dreaded for so long?

Agreed- that’s not suspicious at all.

Nice boat!

Tsubasa Chronicle, soon to be renamed Apple Chronicle.

Men, be sure to name your ‘weapon’ for a better Gun experience.

“You’ll use your right hand for the actual Hyper Self Pleasure.”

“This Hyper Self Pleasure isn’t working!”

Liang or Ezo, they all come under the same heading in the end.

“You’d think she’d have given up by now.”

I hate logos, images, icons and avatars! Put an end to them all!

“It’s not like we have time for full Pleasure right now.”

Pinocchio admits he’s more comfortable in the HARD GAY scene.

Anime World Tour: Chocolate Underground

Welcome to a world where voter apathy has caused the super healthy to take power! Don’t worry about sweets- chocolate, vanilla, honey and various other confections are banned, ensuring that all you’ll have to eat is a tasteless mush! You can also enjoy daily adverts and health bulletins, all of which are compulsory to ensure that you don’t accidentally miss them and regret it later! And don’t worry about rumours of secret underground facilities where they force you to eat hideous chocolate- the police are already seeking them out to make your world a safer and more tasteless place.

Reverse Harem of the week: Ange (Koi Suru Tenshi Angelique)

Other heroines may have had to make do with seven or eight bishounen, but Ange netted no fewer than nine protectors in her plot-free adventure.

Harem

Marcel: Obligatory blonde shota.

Olivie: Cross-dresser with a taste in Victorian-style fashions and bi-coloured hair.

Randy: Hot-headed, honest and open type.

Zephel: ‘Cool’ punk warrior type, becomes angered when he realises he doesn’t have a destined HARD GAY partner.

Luva: Quiet book lover; spends his days researching HARD GAY in the library.

Clavis: Calm and collected type with a semi-tragic past.

Oscar: Knight type with a fondness for HORSE.

Lumiel: Musician with HARD GAY ties to Clavis.

Julius: Blonde princely type.

Arios: Not a destined bishounen, but a wandering swordsman who randomly turns up later in the series.

(UK readers, a new series of the real Dragons’ Den begins next Monday at 9pm on BBC2.)

Welcome to our regular feature based on the TV program of the same name, in which anime characters try to market their great idea to five fat cats of anime! President Aria made his fortune in the gondola industry of Neo Venezia, and is now CEO of a well-known company. Mikoto started her business in the capital of Wind Bloom, and is now a trusted advisor to the queen, with business partners scattered across the world. The Admiral’s first business venture was to invest in a Chinese restaurant, but a meteor threat to Earth saw her buy shares in ground and space based defence technology, which she currently administers with her protégé “The General” (aka Shogun). Mr Tibbs started his career as a tea cat for the bank, but his sound grasp of finance saw him rise up the ranks until he became one of their most prominent managers. Finally, The Cardinal is the world’s most powerful fat cat, with a wide range of business interests that ensure that he has a paw in every pie (often literally, depending on his appetite). These five cats represent some heavyweight investment clout in every sense of the word, but is any deal attractive enough to get them to roll off their backsides and shake paws with a budding entrepreneur?

Making his way to the Den today are Himitsu’s Aoki and Maki, who are here in an attempt to franchise the device used at their workplace- the MRI scanner! Will the Dragons be interested in this revolutionary new application of the technology that enables the user to probe the minds of the dead?

Aoki: Hello, I’m Aoki-

Maki: Shut up, Aoki- let me do the talking. My name is Maki, and I’m here to pitch for investment in our new franchise centred on the MRI scanner. With this device, we can scan the brains of the dead and see the same images they did.

Mr Tibbs: Can I just ask you something- why are you dressed as a woman?

Maki: Er, it’s for a mission.

Aoki: Hey, I thought you said it was for a special treat later.

Maki: For the last time, Aoki, shut up!

Cardinal: The good thing about the dead is that they can’t reveal my secrets, er, I mean any crucial secrets. I most certainly won’t be investing in this.

Aria: Punyu? [Could you perhaps explain the science behind this? I don’t really understand how magnetic resonance imaging lets you see the thoughts of the dead.]

Aoki: Well, uh, neither do we-

Maki: That’s a trade secret! Look, is no one interested in seeing through the eyes of a dead person?

Mikoto: Well, no one ever dies in Mai-Otome- no one important, anyway- so it doesn’t make much difference. I’m out.

Dodgy science and a lack of application have lost most of the Dragons already. Will Maki and Aoki be able to rekindle their interest?

Admiral: So, you’re looking to sell this as a franchise?

Maki: That’s right- you pay us large wads of cash, and then we give you your own kit to start scanning dead brain.

Admiral: And how will the franchisee actually make a profit?

Maki: That’s up to them- we can’t be expected to think of everything!

Admiral: Well, I think I speak for all of us when we say that you’re sloppy, unprepared and unimpressive- I’m out.

Mr Tibbs: Maybe if you ditch Aoki, dress like a man and get a solid business plan, I’d be tempted to invest, but until then, I’m out.

It’s a disaster in the Den for Aoki and Maki, who will have to return to their day job at Section Nine- and no, that’s not the Section Nine with the lovely Ms Motoko Kusanagi.

Amatsuki 7

Kuchiha suggests STRAIGHT with a splash of DOG.

“Everyone knows that boys sleep with other boys.”

“Fine, go and be HARD GAY with your boyfriend!”

“I just can’t bear the thought of turning STRAIGHT!”

“Well, couldn’t we at least try some BI?”

“Now, let’s wash away all talk of STRAIGHT and BI with some good old HARD GAY.”

Don’t you just love moments like these, especially if they’re in slow-motion?

“What kind of rough HARD GAY is that?”

“You were the one who told me to get into it!”

Anime Big Brother

Big Brother: The time has come for me to read out the nominations for eviction. For being too stupid, we have Wil and Aoki; for being too stoic, Doumeki and for threatening to devour all the housemates, we have Heat. One of you will be leaving at the end of this paragraph, but for now, would you like to share a few words with your audience?

Doumeki: You can’t evict me without Watanuki- who will cook my lunch?

Watanuki: Why, you-!

Wil: I’m not stupid, I’m top of my class!

Allison: Then why can’t you tell I’m in love with you?

Wil: Sorry, Allison, did you say something?

Aoki: Oh, I’m up for eviction- oh well, back to the crossword. Hmm, three letters- “four legged animal that goes ‘moo’”. There’s a ‘C’ at the beginning- any ideas?

Heat: Shut up! I’ll devour you all!

Big Brother: Thank you. And now, the housemate who will be leaving is….Heat!

Heat transforms into Agni, roars and beats his chest.

Big Brother: In Heat’s place, the next person to join the Big Brother house is Maki from Himitsu! Look forward to it!

(Aoki: It’s as good as Sister, but hopefully he’ll bring his cross-dressing kit.)

This Week in Anime

Is that some kind of apple in the bottom left hand corner?

“NOOO!!! Don’t turn us into juice!”

We learn how the rubber duck came to the Hidamari Apartments.

Take note here, because these represent the strawberry cakes of doom that appear in Antique Bakery.

“All hail Tequila, our new god!”

Healthy cigarettes…

…amazing make-up…

…is there nothing these products can’t do?

Tomatoes are caught lounging on the vine.

Handling four Zhuge Liangs can be exhausting.

“HARD YURI only from here on.”

An epic tale of a boy with a monkey tail who gains shinigami powers and uses them to found his own pirate crew.

“But don’t worry- it’ll be pleasurable.”

Hey, who’s been eating the watermelon?

Here we see the legendary apple shrine.

Banana overload!

Mmm, tasty.

Aagh, a rubber duck of doom is floating silently towards you! Get out of there!

Faceless returns.

“You saw the legendary Golden Wang?”

Classic PC games: Alley Cat

As a cat lover, the chance to play as a cat couldn’t be passed up, even if it meant turning to a rather inferior and frustrating game. You take on the role of the titular alley cat, and your first goal is to avoid being eaten by dogs by jumping onto the dustbins on your street. From there, you must avoid more obstacles try to get into an open window, wherein a mini-game will commence within the rooms. These games usually involve avoiding more dangers, with one in particular requiring you to collect fish underwater without running out of air. Once the game is over, you get chucked outside again, but persevere and you might just find love with a lady cat. The graphics are simplistic, the game frustrating, but Alley Cat is nonetheless one of those titles that stick in the mind just for sheer effort.

In Your Reflection

In the latest of the increasingly rare head-to-heads, we compare Renton and Eureka from Eureka Seven with Seikichi and Sora from Oh! Edo Rocket. In both cases, we have a hot-headed and determined young man who defies the authorities, and the mysterious female love interest with a very special secret.

Still missing Busou Renkin? On the off-chance that you actually are, why not imagine a world where the series has its own RPG? In the style of Star Ocean, all battles are fought in real-time, with trigger buttons used to unleash special attacks from a player’s Busou Renkin. Whether you fancy stabbing the enemy with Sunlight Heart or ripping them apart with the Valkyrie Skirt, this is the game for you.

Playable characters: Kazuki, Tokiko, Bravo, Ouka, Shusui, Papillon, Gouta

Shion no Ou 19

“He was the only man I cared about.”

Satoru gets desperate for some phone sex.

“This will help me get in the mood for my later customers.”

“You know those kinky photos we took last time? I really need copies.”

“I don’t need Pleasure today, Ayumi.”

“Hani-meijin is mine now!”

“She taught us how to use these hands for Hyper Self Pleasure!”

Dragons’ Den

Welcome to our regular feature based on the TV program of the same name, in which anime characters try to market their great idea to five fat cats of anime! President Aria made his fortune in the gondola industry of Neo Venezia, and is now CEO of a well-known company. Mikoto started her business in the capital of Wind Bloom, and is now a trusted advisor to the queen, with business partners scattered across the world. The Admiral’s first business venture was to invest in a Chinese restaurant, but a meteor threat to Earth saw her buy shares in ground and space based defence technology, which she currently administers with her protégé “The General” (aka Shogun). Mr Tibbs started his career as a tea cat for the bank, but his sound grasp of finance saw him rise up the ranks until he became one of their most prominent managers. Finally, The Cardinal is the world’s most powerful fat cat, with a wide range of business interests that ensure that he has a paw in every pie (often literally, depending on his appetite). These five cats represent some heavyweight investment clout in every sense of the word, but is any deal attractive enough to get them to roll off their backsides and shake paws with a budding entrepreneur?

The latest entrepreneur to brave the Den is Taro, a generic male with a rather interesting proposal- the sale of personal harems for men and women.

Taro: Hello everyone, I’m Taro, and I’m here to show you how you can revolutionise your life with your own personal harem! Lonely men can spice up their lives with our starter pack of Lead Girl, Tsundere, Meganekko and Maid, whilst add-on such as Sports Girl, Android, Iinchou and many more are available for purchase from our website. We also cater for the female market with specialised reverse harems of bishounen.

Admiral: This is all very interesting, but we’re cats- we aren’t really interested in human mating rituals. I’m out.

Cardinal: Actually, I am interested if I can make money from it. I can foresee this being a nice little earner.

Taro’s proposal has already caused controversy in the Den, but can he rely on the Cardinal’s interest in the product to land an offer?

Aria: Punyu? [Do you cater for people looking to land a specific partner?]

Taro: Well, we’ve really chosen to specialise in harems at the moment.

Aria: Punyu. [That’s a shame- if it can’t help me get President Hime, I’m out.]

Mikoto: To be honest, I’ve spent some time in the company of generic characters, and the idea of flooding the market with more of them frightens me. I’m out.

Three Dragons are out already, but will either the Cardinal or Mr Tibbs throw Taro a lifeline?

Cardinal: I don’t know what the others are on about- not only can we make a killing from lonely otaku with this, but we can then make generic anime series about their lives and sell related merchandise. I’d like to make you an offer.

It’s success for Taro, but will this cause the anime market to collapse from harem overload? We can only wait and see.

This Week in Anime

“In the old days, Grandpa and I would have tomato carrying races.”

Magatama make a long-awaited return.

Jaco Daniels, not to be confused with Jack Daniels.

“Oh god, I’m losing the baby!”

The true purpose of the pyramids is finally revealed- they were meant to house giant apples.

“Could this be the fabled Strawberry Mountain I’ve heard so much about?”

“Melons! Get your watermelons, parsnips and nondescript round things here!”

“Could this be- fruit?”

“One day I will live in luxury, consuming whatever fruit I wish!”

“You didn’t mean to drink the invisibility potion?”

Little did we know how important apples were to become in Spice and Wolf.

“Am I too late for the tomato carrying race?”

Sweet juicy apples…

…you can never have enough.

Maybe that’s why shinigami like them so much.

Just for DS, we now track dango!

That basket of oranges has been in so many series.

How can I order from this Zamahzon place?

Neapolitan dango.

*NEW* Classic PC Games: Traffic Department 2192

As part of a new feature, we go back in time to investigate the PC games that shaped Karura’s formative years, starting with the surprisingly influential Traffic Department 2192. Set in the future on the distant planet of Seche, TD 2192 deposits you right in the middle of the war between the native Traffic Department and the invading Vulture army; you’ll play as Lieutenant Marta Velasquez, a pilot with a sharp tongue and a chip on her shoulder, through twenty missions in the shareware version, and a further forty in the full version.

Actual game play is rather simple- in either a hoversled or helicopter, you fly around the city accomplishing the objective of either wiping out the enemy or protecting your ally. Gunning down everything in sight is usually the way forward, and since the number of maps you use is rather limited, you won’t have to worry about finding your way around. Nonetheless, it’s good fun- but what really makes the game stand out is what happens between missions, namely, the dialogue. With a somewhat crude yet surprisingly funny set of exchanges and one-liners, TD 2192 was the kind of game you couldn’t play when your parents were in the room, although admittedly by the second and third episodes both the humour and the plot had worn a little thin.

Visually, TD 2192 uses ray trace graphics for scrolling, arcade style gameplay, whilst the music is oddly catchy- especially the three tracks used in missions. It may have not been played by many, but those who try it will always remember TD 2192 with a degree of fondness.

Mini-editorial: Should the future of DVD releases lie in boxsets alone?

In the days when I was young and reckless, I would purchase single DVDs as they came out- hungrily devouring the three to five episodes on an average disc over the course of an evening or two. It was all very exciting to be at the cutting edge of the UK and sometimes US market (which admittedly wasn’t all that cutting edge compared to the latest releases from Japan), but by the time I had amassed several hundred DVDs, it occurred to me that I had perhaps spent rather a lot of money on this pursuit.

From then on, my desire for single DVDs seemed to peter out, especially when the patient were almost always rewarded with cheap boxsets that were a relief for both the bank account and the heaving shelves. Being able to marathon a whole series without long two month gaps that ensured you’d pretty much forgotten what had happened at the beginning by the time you reached the end was something of a revelation, not to mention the series where you weren’t in any rush because you’d already seen it on fansub.

With all this in mind, it seems no wonder that the market for single DVDs has declined, to the point where some series have even been pulled due to poor sales. And with 13-26 episode sets becoming increasingly popular, wouldn’t it be better to make the switch completely and save the printing and production costs of the single DVDs? Or do they still have a role as more expensive ‘comparison products’ that actually help the boxsets to sell better?

Harem of the week: Juliet (Romeo X Juliet)

Her one true love was meant to be Romeo, but she somehow amassed many more admirers in her quest to find a plot.

Harem

Romeo: Her true love, with whom she would share an angst-filled relationship.

Tybalt: Dark brooding bishounen who always appeared during Juliet’s hours of need.

Curio: Stoic Kurogane type who secretly loves Juliet but never reveals his feelings.

Francisco: Blonde playboy who hides deep feelings for Juliet.

Antonio: Obligatory shota.

Rivals

Hermione: Romeo’s fiancée- gives up on him when the plot turns against her.

Cielo: Romeo’s HORSE, and his first lover.

• Fat cats: really, what better reason could there be to watch a series than because it has overweight felines in it? It was this that brought me to Stratos 4, and kept me going with Mai-Otome.
• Title: if the mere title of a series sounds interesting, or simply vaguely like something that I already like, I feel oddly drawn to it.
• Music: a good OP sequence or soundtrack is a sure-fire way to draw one into watching a particular series.
• Promotional artwork: likewise, I’m a sucker for a nice character design, although after various eroge adaptations I’ve learned to be more wary.

So, does anyone else experience this, or am I alone in my strange need to pick series based on such flimsy reasoning?

Sisters of Wellber 13

Gernia offers a perfectly logical reason for murdering women with blue eyes.

“What else could I do except re-enact the ending of School Days?”

Erm, I hate to say this- but you’re talking to a doll.

“I shall not permit any man with a Zhuger Liang than mine to live!”

“Won’t you stay for a cup of tea?”

“Sorry, Gernia, but it’s HARD GAY time!”

Here we see the characters escaping from the burning castle by having their tower shot down- don’t try this at home.

Dragons’ Den
Welcome to our regular feature based on the TV program of the same name, in which anime characters try to market their great idea to five fat cats of anime! President Aria made his fortune in the gondola industry of Neo Venezia, and is now CEO of a well-known company. Mikoto started her business in the capital of Wind Bloom, and is now a trusted advisor to the queen, with business partners scattered across the world. The Admiral’s first business venture was to invest in a Chinese restaurant, but a meteor threat to Earth saw her buy shares in ground and space based defence technology, which she currently administers with her protégé “The General” (aka Shogun). Mr Tibbs started his career as a tea cat for the bank, but his sound grasp of finance saw him rise up the ranks until he became one of their most prominent managers. Finally, The Cardinal is the world’s most powerful fat cat, with a wide range of business interests that ensure that he has a paw in every pie (often literally, depending on his appetite). These five cats represent some heavyweight investment clout in every sense of the word, but is any deal attractive enough to get them to roll off their backsides and shake paws with a budding entrepreneur?

Next into the Den is Roger Smith from Big O, who is here to sell his unique selection of gadgets. The Dragons are known for liking technology which makes life easier for them, but will Roger’s selection of goodies tickle their fancy?

Roger: Hello Dragons, I’m Roger Smith and I’m here to ask for investment in my unique selection of gadgets, including the colour-change armoured car, the jet propelled suitcase, the wristwatch communicator and our main product, the Big O.

Cardinal: Hmm, I’m very interested in the armoured car, but how does the deal work? Do we get a share in all these products, as well as any future ones developed by your company?

Roger: Right now, I’m pitching for the products you see in front of you- we’d have to negotiate anything else on a case-by-case basis.

Aria: Punyu? [How much time do you intend to spend on developing new products and marketing the existing ones?]

Roger: Well, marketing is basically handled by going out in Big O and fighting giant monsters- it’s hard work, but pretty high profile.

Mikoto: Hmm, I’d like to hire you to fight the giant monsters that keep showing up in and around Wind Bloom.

Roger has an offer already, but will any of the other Dragons offer a more tempting deal?

Admiral: Actually, I’d like to use the Big O to defend the Earth against meteors.

Mr Tibbs: I hear that he once defended a bank against having its printing plates stolen, so I’m interested too.

The Cardinal: I would also like to express my interest.

Aria: Punyu. [I’ll make this easy for you- this isn’t something I can sell in Neo Venezia, so I’m out.]

Four Dragons have now made offers, but which will Roger choose?

Roger: I’d like to thank you all for your offers, and I’m sure we can work out something where we all benefit.

With his negotiation skills standing him in good stead, Roger is on the verge of making a record-breaking deal in the Den! Will the next entrepreneur fare as well?

This Week in Anime

Ever since they took centre stage in Romeo X Juliet, anime characters have been keeping a close watch on grape affairs.

New mecha design comes with inbuilt ‘melons’

Lemon trio enjoys a romantic lunch.

An apple reconnaissance squad is caught and confined to a basket after a failed mission.

How many times do I have to remind you not to get gremlins wet?

Fruit basket spotted hiding amongst the flowers.

“I have to admit I’m getting sick and tired of the apple diet.”

“Must…finish…shogi…game…before…I…die…”

Ogiue tries some Disgaea cosplay.

Another orange returns from the Antarctic mission.

Who needs an Apple when you can have a Cherry?

“Noooo- why did you eat so much cherry pie?”

“Yeah, he’s a novice at HARD GAY.”

Another victim of cherry pie addiction is discovered.

“…we won’t improve our waltz if we don’t practice every day.”

Kaiji auditions for a role in the new Alien movie.

“Coming soon to cable and satellite- When Big Butts Go Wrong.”

Flash Game Review: Chocolatier
If you love chocolate, what could be more fun than trying to revive a world renowned chocolate company? Well, lots of things, actually, but Chocolatier (deluxe trial – crippled free version) is an interesting diversion. The idea of the game is to restore the former greatness of a chocolate company by travelling the world, collecting ingredients and recipes, and then going back to your factory to create delicious products for sale. This story mode makes up half the game play, but the full version also allows you to go into the factory and set the rate of chocolate production by firing ingredients into the machine in the right proportion- the more complete sets you make, the faster the automatic production rate will be. It is this combination of action/puzzle and story mode elements that makes the game so fun, although it can sometimes be irritating when you don’t know where to go to advance the story, or you can’t remember which city to visit to pick up the cacao beans you need (especially as specialty ingredients deteriorate over time, and each ship journey to a new port costs precious cash). Nonetheless, despite these slight annoyances, the ability to play a game about delicious chocolate is well worth indulging in.

Mini-rant: Why I hate the castle levels on Samurai Warriors
Forget pseudo-intellectual arguments; this week I need to have a good old rant, unsurprisingly about the titular castle levels in Samurai Warriors. Now in fact, I haven’t played Samurai Warriors in a while, but my hatred of the castle levels remains strong, and for that reason, I shall not shy away from complaining about them.

As most will already know, the –Warriors (aka –Musou) series of games are all based on one simple gameplay idea- taking a named character and carving up hordes of enemy troops on level upon level. So far, so good- it may be repetitive, but it also happens to be highly addictive, so much so that dedicated fans will buy add-ons and minor upgrades of what is effectively the same game time after time. Unfortunately, when it came to the Samurai Warriors series, the developers decided to add a little variety- in the form of indoor ‘castle levels’.

Castle levels bring a whole new brand of evil to the game, for not only are they more strictly timed than outdoor levels (and completely lacking in the option to save in-level), but they also seem to have been designed by a uniquely cruel bunch of sadists. Whilst the time ominously ticks down in the upper right hand corner, you find yourself trapped in a maze-like construction of identical rooms, all filled with enemies and generals. You must hack and slash your way through multiple floors of the castle- all the while trying to avoid such innovations as spiked floors and various other traps- in a desperate attempt to complete the level before either your time runs out, or your precious health bar depletes to zero. You can’t even enjoy the wholesale slaughter of generics, because the stress of the time bar forces you to devote your energies to running away so that you can get through the level as quickly as possible- although of course if you then fail to kill a particular general, you’ll probably have to go back and find him to open up the passageway onwards.

Much as they were meant to be a refreshing new angle on gameplay, then, the verdict on castle levels can only be a harsh one- the are neither fun nor enjoyable, merely an evil that must be cleared as quickly as possible, and then left well alone.

Reverse Harem of the week: Kou Shuurei (Saiukoku Monogatari)
In the Land of Many Coloured Bishies, the brave and idealistic Kou Shuurei was able to amass quite a harem, whilst still leaving men over for the other female characters to choose from.

Harem
Ryuuki: Emperor of Saiunkoku, Ryuuki falls in love with Shuurei when she first comes to the palace, and pursues her from then on.
Seiran: Childhood friend and protector.
Ensei: The rough around the edges older man who is solid, dependable and supportive.
Kouyuu: Claims to hate women, but is a candidate for an arranged marriage with Shuurei.
Reishin: Shuurei’s uncle, he has an overprotectiveness towards his niece that includes vowing to marry her to keep her safe from other men.
Ryuuren: An eccentric genius who considers Shuurei one of his soul friends.
Sakujun: A creepy bishounen who falls for Shuurei’s innocent charms.
Santa: A minor character and possible arranged marriage candidate.
Tan-tan: Accompanies Shuurei in the latest arcs, his job is to counter her naïveté by showing her how the world really works.

Rivals
Jyuusan-hime: The ‘thirteenth princess’ of the Ran clan, a proposed bride for Ryuuki.