(UK readers, a new series of the real Dragons’ Den begins next Monday at 9pm on BBC2.)

Welcome to our regular feature based on the TV program of the same name, in which anime characters try to market their great idea to five fat cats of anime! President Aria made his fortune in the gondola industry of Neo Venezia, and is now CEO of a well-known company. Mikoto started her business in the capital of Wind Bloom, and is now a trusted advisor to the queen, with business partners scattered across the world. The Admiral’s first business venture was to invest in a Chinese restaurant, but a meteor threat to Earth saw her buy shares in ground and space based defence technology, which she currently administers with her protégé “The General” (aka Shogun). Mr Tibbs started his career as a tea cat for the bank, but his sound grasp of finance saw him rise up the ranks until he became one of their most prominent managers. Finally, The Cardinal is the world’s most powerful fat cat, with a wide range of business interests that ensure that he has a paw in every pie (often literally, depending on his appetite). These five cats represent some heavyweight investment clout in every sense of the word, but is any deal attractive enough to get them to roll off their backsides and shake paws with a budding entrepreneur?

Making his way to the Den today are Himitsu’s Aoki and Maki, who are here in an attempt to franchise the device used at their workplace- the MRI scanner! Will the Dragons be interested in this revolutionary new application of the technology that enables the user to probe the minds of the dead?

Aoki: Hello, I’m Aoki-

Maki: Shut up, Aoki- let me do the talking. My name is Maki, and I’m here to pitch for investment in our new franchise centred on the MRI scanner. With this device, we can scan the brains of the dead and see the same images they did.

Mr Tibbs: Can I just ask you something- why are you dressed as a woman?

Maki: Er, it’s for a mission.

Aoki: Hey, I thought you said it was for a special treat later.

Maki: For the last time, Aoki, shut up!

Cardinal: The good thing about the dead is that they can’t reveal my secrets, er, I mean any crucial secrets. I most certainly won’t be investing in this.

Aria: Punyu? [Could you perhaps explain the science behind this? I don’t really understand how magnetic resonance imaging lets you see the thoughts of the dead.]

Aoki: Well, uh, neither do we-

Maki: That’s a trade secret! Look, is no one interested in seeing through the eyes of a dead person?

Mikoto: Well, no one ever dies in Mai-Otome- no one important, anyway- so it doesn’t make much difference. I’m out.

Dodgy science and a lack of application have lost most of the Dragons already. Will Maki and Aoki be able to rekindle their interest?

Admiral: So, you’re looking to sell this as a franchise?

Maki: That’s right- you pay us large wads of cash, and then we give you your own kit to start scanning dead brain.

Admiral: And how will the franchisee actually make a profit?

Maki: That’s up to them- we can’t be expected to think of everything!

Admiral: Well, I think I speak for all of us when we say that you’re sloppy, unprepared and unimpressive- I’m out.

Mr Tibbs: Maybe if you ditch Aoki, dress like a man and get a solid business plan, I’d be tempted to invest, but until then, I’m out.

It’s a disaster in the Den for Aoki and Maki, who will have to return to their day job at Section Nine- and no, that’s not the Section Nine with the lovely Ms Motoko Kusanagi.

Amatsuki 7

Kuchiha suggests STRAIGHT with a splash of DOG.

“Everyone knows that boys sleep with other boys.”

“Fine, go and be HARD GAY with your boyfriend!”

“I just can’t bear the thought of turning STRAIGHT!”

“Well, couldn’t we at least try some BI?”

“Now, let’s wash away all talk of STRAIGHT and BI with some good old HARD GAY.”

Don’t you just love moments like these, especially if they’re in slow-motion?

“What kind of rough HARD GAY is that?”

“You were the one who told me to get into it!”

Anime Big Brother

Big Brother: The time has come for me to read out the nominations for eviction. For being too stupid, we have Wil and Aoki; for being too stoic, Doumeki and for threatening to devour all the housemates, we have Heat. One of you will be leaving at the end of this paragraph, but for now, would you like to share a few words with your audience?

Doumeki: You can’t evict me without Watanuki- who will cook my lunch?

Watanuki: Why, you-!

Wil: I’m not stupid, I’m top of my class!

Allison: Then why can’t you tell I’m in love with you?

Wil: Sorry, Allison, did you say something?

Aoki: Oh, I’m up for eviction- oh well, back to the crossword. Hmm, three letters- “four legged animal that goes ‘moo’”. There’s a ‘C’ at the beginning- any ideas?

Heat: Shut up! I’ll devour you all!

Big Brother: Thank you. And now, the housemate who will be leaving is….Heat!

Heat transforms into Agni, roars and beats his chest.

Big Brother: In Heat’s place, the next person to join the Big Brother house is Maki from Himitsu! Look forward to it!

(Aoki: It’s as good as Sister, but hopefully he’ll bring his cross-dressing kit.)

This Week in Anime

Is that some kind of apple in the bottom left hand corner?

“NOOO!!! Don’t turn us into juice!”

We learn how the rubber duck came to the Hidamari Apartments.

Take note here, because these represent the strawberry cakes of doom that appear in Antique Bakery.

“All hail Tequila, our new god!”

Healthy cigarettes…

…amazing make-up…

…is there nothing these products can’t do?

Tomatoes are caught lounging on the vine.

Handling four Zhuge Liangs can be exhausting.

“HARD YURI only from here on.”

An epic tale of a boy with a monkey tail who gains shinigami powers and uses them to found his own pirate crew.

“But don’t worry- it’ll be pleasurable.”

Hey, who’s been eating the watermelon?

Here we see the legendary apple shrine.

Banana overload!

Mmm, tasty.

Aagh, a rubber duck of doom is floating silently towards you! Get out of there!

Faceless returns.

“You saw the legendary Golden Wang?”

Classic PC games: Alley Cat

As a cat lover, the chance to play as a cat couldn’t be passed up, even if it meant turning to a rather inferior and frustrating game. You take on the role of the titular alley cat, and your first goal is to avoid being eaten by dogs by jumping onto the dustbins on your street. From there, you must avoid more obstacles try to get into an open window, wherein a mini-game will commence within the rooms. These games usually involve avoiding more dangers, with one in particular requiring you to collect fish underwater without running out of air. Once the game is over, you get chucked outside again, but persevere and you might just find love with a lady cat. The graphics are simplistic, the game frustrating, but Alley Cat is nonetheless one of those titles that stick in the mind just for sheer effort.

In Your Reflection

In the latest of the increasingly rare head-to-heads, we compare Renton and Eureka from Eureka Seven with Seikichi and Sora from Oh! Edo Rocket. In both cases, we have a hot-headed and determined young man who defies the authorities, and the mysterious female love interest with a very special secret.

Allison and Lillia’s handbook for life

Do you have difficulty in social situations? Do you just not know what to do when put on the spot? Luckily, Allison and Wil have put together a convenient handbook that will sit snugly on your bookshelf right next to “How to Win Friends and Influence People”.

• When old men tell tall tales, don’t hesitate to believe them. Who knows, their wild stories of war-ending treasures might just be true, and if not, at least you got a nice cup of tea for your efforts.
• When suspicious old ladies offer you a cup of tea, drink it without reservation. Even if she locks you in her cellar, it shouldn’t be too hard to get out.
• When dictators attack, don’t leave it to the highly trained security guards. Remember, he’ll invariably flee for the roof of the nearest building, and then you can just blow him off with the wake from your plane.
• When mysterious majors order you to attack military trains and tanks, just go along without question. Remember, tanks are super-fast vehicles with a low rate of fire, whilst armoured trains are no match for a standard service revolver.

Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei: the lost chapters

Sensei takes his class to the canteen.

Chiri: Sensei, why are we here? It’s not lunchtime yet!

Sensei: Class, today we’re having a special lesson on how to eat difficult foods! We’ll start with spaghetti.

Sensei tries to eat some spaghetti, but it goes wrong.

Kafka: Don’t worry, Sensei- if you can’t twirl it, just cut it up.

Sensei: But that’s not acceptable in polite company! Zetsubou shita! These hard to eat foods have left me in despair!

• Precariously arranged restaurant dishes where you don’t know where to start.
• Meat that can’t be cut because the knife is too blunt.
• Unsliced bread that requires a steady hand to make a perfect slice.
• Cream puffs that leak out as you bite into them.
• Seafood and shellfish that defies access.
• Working inwards with the cutlery, only to realise it’s been mixed up to catch you out.
• Trying to spoon food on your plate and getting one bean at a time.

Shion no Ou 21

“I don’t have time for Pleasure right now!”

“…when we will have a Pleasure extravaganza!”

“I’m just going to have Hyper Self Pleasure tonight.”

“I don’t want them to catch me at it.”

“If I decide to have full Pleasure, I’ll let you know.”

“I think he did it because he was a transvestite, but everyone’s entitled to their own opinion.”

“I admit it- I practised with Hyper Self Pleasure!”

Kurenai 12

Yayoi contemplates trying a new HARD YURI technique.

“Eh? You want to get adventurous?”

“I may not be able to control it.”

“Don’t worry, I’m ready.”

“Then let me show you the heights of Pleasure!”

This Week in Anime

Thanks to loli_slayer for sending in the last two images.

Zetsubou shita! These notes have left me in despair!

Zetsubou shita! Marco’s face has left me in despair!

But which is better- small orange fruit or large green fruit? There’s only one way to find out….FIGHT!

It seems that small orange fruit has won, against all the odds.

Wide angle shots return!

From now on, Tuesday Rumble will be spotting rubber ducks as well.

World’s most athletic fat cat spotted.

“Ballroom, latin or freestyle?”

“…a Zhuge Liang?”

It was love at first sight…

…but would their relationship last?

Classic PC Games: Raptor- Call of the Shadows

Take on the role of a mercenary and battle against the forces of an evil organisation in this top scrolling shooter from 1995. With nine levels in the shareware version and additional regions to unlock in the full version, Raptor throws wave upon wave of enemies at you, from the straightforward to the fiendishly complicated. Fortunately, the more money you earn, the more you can upgrade your ship with shields and killer weapons- and if you can’t get enough first time around, then you’ll be sent back to the beginning with your bank balance intact to start saving up for the next purchase. Overall, it’s good fun, and even though it can get repetitive whilst trying to save up, it also proves addictive in brief bursts.

Harem of the week: Hino Kahoko (La Corda d’Oro)

With her magical violin, she set out to win a music competition despite having no previous experience, but along the way she would meet her fair share of musically inclined bishounen.

Harem

Tsuchiura: A good friend from the ‘normal’ section of the school, he gave up the piano and focused on soccer until the plot dictated otherwise.

Tsukimori: The cold-hearted overachiever who also studies the violin- can Kahoko melt him even a little?

Yunoki: The most popular bishounen in the school- talented, relaxed and universally adored.

Hihara: The easygoing senpai who’s a little rough around the edges.

Shimizu: The sleepy and often detached blonde-haired ‘shota’.

Allison and Lillia: the game

Can’t get enough of Allison and Lillia? Need something to do when each episode finishes? Well, fear not, because we have just the thing for you- Allison and Lillia: the game! An action-based game, A&L throws conventional physics out of the window for the most rip-roaring ride you’ve ever experienced! Shoot down trains with pistols, try to outrun an insanely fast tank and even blow your enemies off rooftops with the power of your plane- it’s all possible in A&L: the game! Reserve your copy today, because they’ll be disappearing off the shelves faster than you can say “Wil is an idiot”!

Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei: the lost chapters

Sensei enters the classroom and tosses out a pair of dancing shoes.

Kafka: Sensei, have you been dancing?

Sensei: Yes, but I can’t get on with it at all! None of the steps are anything like their names!

Kafka: But they’re just metaphors- everything has to have a name.

Sensei: Zetsubou shita! The society that encourages bizarre names for dance moves has left me in despair!

• A ‘hand on bum’ step that involves placing the hand on the hip.
• A ‘neckbreaker’ that involves no breaking of bones.
• ‘Sliding doors’ that aren’t in a doorway.
• A ‘whip’ that has nothing to do with S&M.
• An ‘octopus’ that doesn’t have eight legs.
• An ‘American spin’ that doesn’t take place in America.

Nabari no Ou 1-3

“There’s nothing wrong with satisfying the need for Pleasure.”

“And I’d just like to say that I’ll always be ready and willing to help get your motor running.”

“I should never have tried having Hyper Self Pleasure for ten days straight!”

“Pleasure techniques that no-one was meant to know are contained within them!”

“…of Ultimate Self Pleasure!”

“No matter the kind of Pleasure, we’re all gagging for it!”

“I still remember how great it felt!”

“When this guy said he had a dragon, he wasn’t kidding!”

“Why does everyone want to get inside my pants?”

“That way, I thought I could improve my Pleasure experience!”

“How many time do I have to tell you that I don’t care about advanced Pleasure?”

“And stop trying to take me without my consent!”

“He’s too big to take it out all at once- your backside would be ruined!”

“Just don’t let anyone else know how to do this!”

“You must become King of the Bedroom!”

An evil pimp appears.

“He’s my partner!”

“No longer should we feel embarrassed over our love of HARD GAY porn!”

“They took his Liang!?”

“I’ve assigned five partners to my bed for tonight.”

“Will that be enough for your insatiable appetite?”

“What’s wrong- don’t you like Gun?”

“We should aim for variety in the bedroom!”

This Week in Anime

Take note of the fruit in the background- they may the most intelligent life forms in the entirety of Allison and Lillia.

“Pizza-La, for the days before Studio Bones could bring you Pizza Hut.”

“And this, Rose, is our latest enemy.”

“You can’t be serious…”

Zetsubou shita! Sickness has left me in despair!

And people say bananas aren’t corrupt in the slightest.

“Yes! I’ve finally found a girl who knows how to Pleasure a man!”

“Tezuka, is there something wrong with you?”

“If you need the toilet, stop holding it in and just go!”

“How did you guess? Was it the way I’m sitting?”

“This apple will save us from the orange threat!”

“This is larger than any other fruit seen in anime so far!”

“Never! We apples will remain supreme! Exterminate all other fruit!”

“Sorry, I thought you said I like my Pizza Hut…”

Stay healthy- eat apples.

“Okay, who ate my Pizza-La?”

“Zetsubou shita! The society that encourages people to eat pizza has left me in despair!”

Classic PC games: Paganitzu

A sequel to the game Chaganitzu (a title so old that it played at insane speeds even on a Windows 98 PC), Paganitzu takes Indiana Jones rip-off Alabama Smith deep inside a giant pyramid of the same name, where he must solve puzzles involving keys, spitting cobras and deadly spiders that sever Smith’s head the moment he goes anywhere near them. It’s good fun, if frustratingly hard at times, featuring tens of rooms for our hero to navigate through that range from straightforward to fiendishly hideous. Just remember that whilst you will need speed and quick reflexes as well as puzzle solving abilities, don’t even think of going on the attack- Alabama doesn’t even have a whip to his name with which to fend off the enemy.

Harem of the week: Fayt Leingod (Star Ocean 3)

With destiny on his side, Fayt was able to catch the eye of the ladies on his journey to save Elicoor II and the galaxy.

Harem

Sophia: The childhood friend and main contender for Fayt’s heart.

Maria: The bold and brave ‘other woman’ who shares a past secret with Fayt.

Albel: The anti-hero swordsman who visits Fayt’s room late at night if you trigger the scene needed to recruit him in disc one.

Peppita: A young and outspoken performer.

Ameena: An Elicoorian who resembles Sophia; she strikes up a friendship with Fayt even though her heart ultimately lies with her childhood friend Dio.

The Stylus of Life

Nintendo DS owners will be more than familiar with using the stylus to manipulate objects on the touch screen, but here at Azure Flame, we’ve taken things one step further- with the Stylus of Life! No longer need you be restricted to virtual situations, because the Stylus of Life can let you manipulate the real world! Scrub out things you don’t like, draw new things that you’d rather have in their place, move friends and generics as you wish- all with the Stylus of Life! You can use it to cook, clean, even empty the cat litter tray! Everyday chores become a breeze with the Stylus of Life!

Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei: the lost chapters

Sensei enters the classroom.

Sensei: Okay, class, let’s get started.

Chie arrives.

Chie: Itoshiki-sensei, I need to see proof of your ID before you start teaching these children.

Sensei: But you know who I am! We’ve been working together for months.

Chie: I’m sorry, but without ID nothing is certain.

Sensei: Zetsubou shita! The society that constantly needs identification for everything has left me in despair!

• Need a passport to get a driving licence, job, bank account, criminal record check.
• Need a birth certificate to get a passport.
• Proof of ID required when entering any club, TV studio, etc.
• Need to get a professional to confirm your ID photo- amateurs don’t count.
• You can’t get a credit card without sufficient ID, but a dog can.
• Still need parents’ details even when in your 20s.

Majin Tantei Nogami Neuro

“Shouldn’t someone have told them that the world was still there?”

These remind me of something- if only I could place what…

“Gwakaka, I’m so obviously evil that I’m probably not evil at all!”

“Even cats aren’t that lazy!”

“I bought these from the Jewellery Channel!”

Uh, yes…

Spice and Wolf 7

Horo inspects a case of apples to see if they are worthy enough for anime cameos.

Horo and Lawrence discuss their policy on Liangs.

“Now that I have a Pleasure partner, there’s no stopping me!”

“You’ll need it if you’re going to be doing it outside.”

“Those apples never stood a chance.”

Anime Big Brother

Our housemates have settled in, but will tempers fray thanks to their extended proximity?

Lawrence: So, if I buy a fur for ten Thoreni silver coins, and sell it for twenty, how much profit have I made?

Aoki tries to count on his fingers, but gets confused.

Aoki: Uh, can we go back to the basics? I’m still not confident with numbers.

Horo: And you say you have a job on the outside?

Lelouch: I wouldn’t be too sure of that- I tried to use my Geass on him but there’s not enough brain in there for it to work.

Doumeki: Hey, Watanuki, is lunch done yet?

Watanuki: Shut up! Why does no one ever help me in the kitchen?

Heat: Hurry up with that meal, or I might just devour you all!

Meanwhile, Allison is with Wil.

Allison: Come on, Wil, let’s take a shower together!

Wil: Would that really be appropriate?

Allison: How am I ever going to get it through your thick head that I love you?

Wil: Hmm? Did you say something?

Big Brother: Housemates, next week one of you is going to be evicted. Readers, vote in the poll to decide who should go.

This Week in Anime

Zetsubou shita! The society that loves railroads has left me in despair!

“Gwakaka, everything’s going to plan! I even have a special chair!”

Zetsubou shita!

Bananas are one thing, but flying bananas?

Stupid filler weapon redux.

“Oh god, not those stalkers again.”

One day, I’m going to be a Broaoway star.

“Damn, they caught me in the middle of my Star Trek cosplay!”

“Yeah, but I got fed up with mah-jong.”

“Wait, is this like Pokemon?”

“No HARD GAY, nothing!”

“You have no right to hold my Zhuge Liang!”

“…Holland!”

Classic PC games: Return of the Mutant Space Bats of Doom

Having promised to talk about this a few weeks ago, I completely forgot about it until the other day, perhaps an indication that this game hasn’t captured my heart in the way the original did. Although much the same in that you shoot down wave upon wave of attacking bats, the graphics have been overhauled, there are new weapons in the form of the Zapper and Rotospike, and various other tweaks to the system. Personally, I find the first game more graphically appealing, but if you’ve played that to death then this is a good way to get another dose of retro action.

Harem of the week: Felt (Atelier Iris 2)

Although he was supposed to be travelling to the world of Belkhyde to find a way to save his home of Eden, Felt somehow proved adept in picking up girls along the way.

Harem

Viese: A fellow orphan and childhood friend of Felt- has deeper feelings which Felt has yet to notice.

Noin: An outspoken hothead who Felt meets when he first comes to Belkhyde.

Fee: A cool young woman with a hidden heritage.

Yuveria:A holographic projection that appears to Felt in the workshops due to his destined status.

Forget the DS- how about the Five Screen?

Are two screens just not enough? Perhaps you want a bit more challenge when it comes to keeping track of onscreen events? Then why not invest in the new Five Screen? Arranged in the shape of an open-topped cube, the Five Screen unfolds to reveal all of its screens, each of which can be configured to be a touch screen. Use screens to control your characters, keep track of enemy stats, view overworld maps and much, much more! The insanity just keeps mounting up when you try to play anything on the Five Screen!

Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei: the lost chapters

Sensei: Class, today we will be visiting all of your homes for some long overdue spring-cleaning!

The class visits various homes, chucking out everyone’s personal belongings.

Kafka: Sensei, why are we doing this?

Sensei: We need to minimise! Throw out all these useless belongings and start anew!

Chiri picks up something.

Chiri: But this might be useful someday!

Sensei: Zetsubou shita! The society that hangs onto clutter that might be useful has left me in despair!

• Keeping clothes that don’t fit you even though they’ll be out of fashion by the time you lose weight.
• Picking up free gifts and discarded items in case they might be useful at home.
• Keeping spare parts for a car or appliance you got rid of years ago.
• Keeping toys your kids have grown out of in case your friends have children.

*NEW* Anime Big Brother

As Necromancer and the internet-departed Hopeless know, Tuesday Rumble leeches some of its best ideas from random conversations with others, which is why credit goes to Hanners for this new feature. This week we’ll be meeting the first bunch of housemates, and even if, like me, you care little or nothing for the real show, I promise this will be worth the read.

Lawrence: A travelling merchant and trader, Lawrence’s desire to make a profit will no doubt manifest when he meets his fellow housemates.

Horo: Known as Horo the Wise, this wolf-girl has several lifetimes of experience and the ability to transform into a giant wolf, but will her insatiable love of apples endear her to the audience?

Kuu-chan: An ancient fox who has forgotten his or her true gender, Kuu is powerful, capricious and bound to shake things up amongst the housemates.

Allison: A young pilot with boundless energy and a definite crush on Wil- but will their extended time in close proximity enable him to finally grasp it?

Wil: An intelligent and bookish young man who might just be pulled out of his shell in the Big Brother house.

Aoki: Having taken some time off from his important work at Section Nine Mark II, will Aoki be able to put aside his dedication to reports to integrate with the housemates?

Watanuki: A young man with the ability to see spirits and a rare talent for cooking.

Doumeki: Watanuki’s schoolmate, stoic to the point of being little more than rock.

Lelouch: An ambitious young man with a unique ability to control others around him- if he can use it successfully on such an unusual group of housemates.

Heat: A member of the Embryon Tribe from Digital Devil Saga’s Junkyard, Heat has a tendency to transform into a demon when angered or just hungry.

Amatsuki 5

“…all of it kinky.”

“But sadly it all contravenes broadcast regulations, so we have to wait until later.”

“Are you ready to see my most intimate secrets?”

“This takes all the fun out of guessing, I know.”

“We can’t have HARD GAY!”

“Cross-dressing is the norm around here.”

“As is castration.”

I have to admit there are some conveniences I’d rather go without.

Er, yes…

“My knowledge of arcane Pleasure techniques has made me a sought after lover.”

“Of course, without adequate time to prepare, I might damage my partner in the heat of the moment.”

“Even though, I consider myself a master of Pleasure.”

“…just as long as my Liang is in perfect condition.”

This Week in Anime

“Watermelon, do exactly as I say or I’ll smash you with this stick!”

Shinichiro’s mother’s secret apple habit is exposed.

…but which is better? There’s only one way to find out…

“So many apples…”

“Normally you’re in and out of the bedroom in about twenty minutes.”

Phone sex, Hyper Self Pleasure and DOG all in one go?

“I’ve done it! I’ve created the ultimate cat!”

What more can I say?

Even Sunao has fallen to the apple curse.

“Oh come, there’s no way I can service this many men in one evening.”

“Hang on a moment, I’ll call Akagi and tell him there’s a match on.”

“Sir, we have a Very Close Alert!”

“Give me more details!”

“I can’t- that’s all the monitor is telling me!”

Mutant purple lemons introduced at the latest Fruit Conference.

“Cross-dressing forever!”

Oranges are pros at draining the energy of nearby life forms.

“At last- the perfect apple has been selected!”

“Mmm, crunchy.”

The Jewellery Channel is still popular even in the future.

Classic PC games: Hocus Pocus

A platformer from the mid-90s, Hocus Pocus sees you take on the role of the eponymous wizard as you attempt to save the dimensions from evil and earn enough kudos to impress both your elders and your sweetheart. Set over four episodes (the first of which is shareware) of nine levels each, Hocus Pocus is all about the usual platformer content of collecting items, earning bonuses, defeating enemies and of course facing ridiculously oversized bosses.

Although all the environments are similar (being palette-swapped mystical castles based on different themes such as Egyptian, jungle or classical European), the game is good fun throughout, although there is something of an imbalance between difficulty levels (in easy mode, you lose 4% of health per hit, but in normal this triples to 12%, and in hard it is 16%). The background music is generally catchy, making this a nice little game that will entertain beginners and experienced players alike.

Mini-editorial: Is it a blogger’s ‘duty’ to write about everything they see/watch/play?

An odd thought occurred to me some weeks ago- since I go to the trouble of maintaining my blog, should I try to make it as complete as possible by reviewing every single game, anime and manga series that passes my way? Should I make my review archive as complete as it can possibly be instead of not reviewing something because everyone else watched it years ago and I can’t bring anything new to the discussion (or even admit that I only recently caught up on it?). Obviously, it’s up to me to decide what to write on here, but does anyone else get caught up in this feeling of having a ‘duty’ to express one’s opinions whenever and wherever possible? Or is it good to enjoy a series from time to time without worrying too much about what you’re going to write about it afterwards?

Harem of the week: Tate Yuuichi (Mai-HiME manga)

Elevated in importance in the manga, Tate became the Key to releasing the power of two HiMEs.

Harem

Mai: The impossibly large breasted main HiME who ends up living with Tate.

Natsuki: The tsundere HiME who ends up living with the others after her dorm is wrecked, resulting in a high friction ménage à trios.

Shiho: A PRINCESS who turns up later in the manga.

MyAnimeList and rising divorce rates

As users of MyAnimeList.net will know, whenever you click on another users profile, you can see their compatibility with them- a simple thing, perhaps, but one rife with potential problems. For example, when you find a high compatibility with someone, you might assume that they are your destined soul mate, but a few series disagreements later, and your falling compatibility can spell the end of the relationship. Some say that MAL has become one of the prime motivators for divorce, with angered couples citing such problems as a 2 point difference in ratings for Slayers TV as grounds for separation.

Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei: the lost chapters

Sensei: There will be no class today- I’ve decided to finally kill myself!

Sensei looks around for his rope and noose, only to find that Arai has it.

Arai: I’m sorry, but you can’t have this in the classroom- it’s a health and safety risk.

Sensei: Zetsubou shita! The society that’s obsessed with safety has left me in despair!

• Stores that won’t let you buy too much paracetamol.
• Regulations that don’t let kids play outside in case they get hurt.
• Villains unable to burn the hero’s village in case of smoke inhalation.
• Parents having to sign consent forms to let teachers hug an injured child.
• Barbed wire fences banned in case they harm burglars.
• Travel pillows not allowed near pets, children, soft furnishings and sharp objects in case of damage.

Amatsuki 4

“Humans have the living touch, but robots can go for hours!”

“If you decide to sleep with me, I’d like to be called Big Boy.”

“You’re only good for Pleasure, after all.”

“In the bedroom, I will be your willing love slave.”

“Help, this blind is attacking us!”

“I can’t help but want kinky Pleasure!”

“I don’t want Pleasure from you, and she doesn’t either!”

“This is getting seriously twisted now.”

“You saw a few Liangs, but you couldn’t touch any of them.”

“If he’s as big as you say, we must take him to our beds at once!”

“He can’t really be that big, can he?”

“I’d like to, but we have to settle on a partner first.”

“And if Toki is worthy, he must be included in our Pleasure plans.”

“Haven’t I always been good enough for you?”

This Week in Anime

Apples prove important in the Tsubasa world- and indeed, they make more sense than the plot.

Lina Inverse is overwhelmed by the sheer volume of fruit in anime.

Lawrence selects the best HORSE.

Oh no, even Aria has fallen prey to evil infiltration tactics of Pizza Hut!

Grapes have moved from anime to live action.

“I ended up in hospital after tangling with this basket of fruit.”

Bananas!

…and melons!

Tomatoes!

Watermelon!

I want this kitty cup.

Chickens are great.

Dango Kazoku!

Mango!

It’s important to treat your fruit properly.

Fruit jewellery- does it get any better than this?

New Wang roll out their Italian products.

Classic PC games: Invasion of the Mutant Space Bats of Doom

Who couldn’t love a game with such a cheesy B-movie title? A reworking of the old staple Space Invaders, Space Bats is a scrolling shooter with a difference; as well as being able to move left and right, you can also manoeuvre vertically- an important asset when trying to dodge invading space bats.

Unsurprisingly, the aim of the game is to shoot your way through wave upon wave of invading bats, each with their own style of attacking- from the ‘mother bats’ who can drop babies on you to the fire bats and their deadly flaming wings. Each level consists of twenty-one rounds, including two bonus levels where you shoot at harmless orbs in an attempt to earn points and power-ups. The shareware version contains only level one, but don’t be too disappointed- levels two and three just contain harder versions of exactly the same enemies, without any attempts at additional innovation.

There are also several versions of the game available, each of which is slightly different. Depending on which version you have, you may get a two-player mode, an ‘orb game’ which solely consists of bonus levels, and either a boss ‘mother bat’ battle or no combat at all in rounds 21, 42 and 63. Some versions also contain a very easy to use cheat mode, in which setting the controller to mouse and then right clicking periodically destroys everything on screen (the game may crash if you use this on the bonus rounds).

Although simplistic, the in-game graphics have their own charm, whilst background music consists of just two tracks, both of which are fortunately rather catchy. Overall, then, this is a nice little shooter which will help you relive those retro days.

Next week I’ll cover the sequel to this game, Return of the Mutant Space Bats (don’t say you didn’t see that title coming).

Mini-editorial: categorising blogs

As we all know, the Anime Blog Awards and their associated drama, voting and what-have-you took place recently, with the whole thing being divided into different sections for newcomer, editorial, humour and so forth. Naturally, this got me to thinking- do we really need to categorise blogs at all? What about people who write about a broad variety of things without particularly specialising in any one area?

Azure Flame itself is generally regarded purely for its parody, quite ironic considering that I’ve actually posted far more reviews than parodies for many months now, and also a little disheartening- is everything non-parody on my blog simply too minor and uninteresting to be worth mentioning? Still, at least I have some recognisable gimmicks- what of those who have none? Should they suffer in obscurity because they’ve chosen to write about what takes their fancy, instead of marketing a particular style? Then again, as always, does it matter as long as they enjoy blogging?

Harem of the week: Kira and Athrun (Gundam Seed/Destiny)

In between enjoying HARD GAY with each other, Kira and Athrun managed to rack up an impressive number of girls between them, even swapping and sharing at points.

Harem

Lacus: Originally Athrun’s fiancée, later becomes attached to Kira.

Cagalli: Kira’s sister (in a convoluted sort of way), main Seed love interest for Athrun.

Lunamaria: Typically useless female pilot, admires Athrun but ends up with Shinn.

Meyrin: Lunamaria’s sister, dreams of being a useful character who gets noticed by Athrun.

Meer: Fake Lacus used by Durandal, sticks close to Athrun for a while.

Flay: Manipulative bitch queen who tries to get close to Kira so that she can then force him to risk his life in battle.

Rivals

Shinn: Angsty new hero of Destiny, desperate to usurp the old guard.

Sai: The only minor character foolish enough to have feelings for Flay.

We’ve considered this crossover before, but now is the time for the Mai franchise to take another step towards world domination with Mai-Undine! In Neo Venezia, aspiring Undines must learn to harness their gondola power in order to defend their respective companies from attack. Complete with fat cats, transformation sequences and those infamous gondola battles, Mai-Undine is the one to watch this summer!

Tsubasa Chronicle OVA1

“Well, I’ll break that promise as and when the plot demands.”

“Seeing as you’re so useless when you’re awake and all.”

“Is it a Zhuge Liang?”

“Better get our Swords out just in case.”

“The only thing that’s large and powerful around here is in my trousers.”

“If it’s HARD GAY you’re after, we’re CLAMP bishies, so expect plenty of it.”

“Well, that’s our evening sorted, then.”

“Some people have wanted her to sleep for the whole series.”

“Time for more Sword!”

“To interfere would be to spoil the plot- and anyway Fei Wong is going to kill me off shortly.”

Is this a hint that the Infinity Arc will be animated?

The Jintarou Kyle Show

Kyle: Welcome back to the Jintarou Kyle show! Before the break, we spoke to Tenma and Yakumo, two sisters living on their without their parents. Now we turn to a new family in the same situation- the Minami sisters! Everyone, please welcome Haruka onto the show!

Haruka enters.

Kyle: Your sisters are backstage, Haruka, but before we hear from them, we’d like to talk to you. Is it true that you’ve been put in the position of head of the family, even though you’re still in high school yourself?

Haruka: That’s right. I have to do all the cooking and cleaning for the family- I even gave up a chance to go abroad because I knew I had to stay and look after them.

Kyle: And where do you get your money from?

Haruka: Our parents did leave us some money in the bank, but it’s running low now- if they don’t come back soon, I’ll probably have to start looking for a job.

Kyle: Hasn’t it always been your dream to finish high school and go onto college?

Haruka: Yes…

Haruka starts crying.

Kyle: Now, let’s welcome Kana and Chiaki on the show.

Kana and Chiaki enter.

Kyle: You’ve just heard everything Haruka had to say backstage. What do you think of the situation?

Chiaki: Haruka-neesama, I’ll do everything I can to help you. I don’t want to be a burden. You’ll help too, won’t you, Kana?

Kana: Yeah, maybe.

Chiaki hits Kana.

Chiaki: Idiot!

Kyle: I think the situation in anime Japan is shameful! Parents leaving their children home alone for months and years at a time! But here at the Jintarou Kyle show, we’re here to right all the wrongs of the world, one family at a time! Haruka, we’ll do what we can to track down your parents, and help you realise your dream of going to college.

The audience cheers.

Kyle: Join us next time on the Jintarou Kyle show for “Forced to Pilot a Giant Robot- even though I’m only in junior high!”

This Week in Anime

Will the Harvest Moon nightmare never end?

Melons!

Oranges!

“…No…”

Fat cats on a diet? Has the world gone mad?

Bananas!

Apples evolve to the next level.

Aika is caught staring at Al’s bum.

As the devil’s fruit, it’s no wonder apples can lure people to hell.

Note the apples on the left hand side.

To be fair, I haven’t learned the lambada, but something seems a little wrong here.

Could this be the world’s Zhugest Liang, recreated in bread?

If this doesn’t look dodgy, I don’t know what does.

“He’d give me all types of Pleasure, no matter how kinky.”

“I may prefer peaches, but an apple a day keeps Doctor You away.”

“I’m sick of this all apple diet!”

“Sorry, but there are more apples in the fridge.”

“Who keeps fruit in the fridge?”

Classic PC games: Jazz Jackrabbit

Basically a Sonic clone for PC (complete with 3D bonus levels), Jazz Jackrabbit was a fun platformer that was actually somewhat easier than the game that inspired it. Unlike Sonic, Jazz could take multiple hits and came armed with some of the most powerful weapons a hare has ever wielded, from rapid fire missiles to rubber explosives- all necessary for his multi-planet crusade to defeat the evil turtles and rescue the hare princess.

Unfortunately, like so many games of its era, the shareware first episode was easy and enjoyable, but the levels in the full version were much harder and less satisfying. Even so, I will go back and finish them some day- perhaps.

Mini-editorial: Perfection vs. enjoyment

All anime viewers are searching for that holy grail- the perfect series that can make the likes of Aria and Dennou Coil look merely adequate. Along the way, however, we tend to watch a lot of incidental titles (crap, if you will), and sometimes the question must occur to us- isn’t it okay to watch a poorer series just for the entertainment factor? Must we always be highbrow and only watch those series with true merit, or is it okay to indulge in the guilty pleasure of a poorer series that nonetheless makes us smile? Should we hide the fact that we actually quite liked at least parts of Inukami, Dirty Pair Flash, MagiPoka and so forth? Will it make our anime habit less shameful if we pretend we’re only in it to appreciate high art? Then again, who care what we do with our spare time?

In Your Reflection

Too lazy for pictures; to be edited in later.

It’s time for the first head-to-head in a while, as we compare Slayers’ Amelia with Disgaea’s Flonne. Both operate as part of an eclectic bunch of ‘heroes’, and each has an obsession with justice and righteousness, with specialty skills in white magic.

Still missing Busou Renkin? On the off-chance that you actually are, why not imagine a world where the series has its own RPG? In the style of Star Ocean, all battles are fought in real-time, with trigger buttons used to unleash special attacks from a player’s Busou Renkin. Whether you fancy stabbing the enemy with Sunlight Heart or ripping them apart with the Valkyrie Skirt, this is the game for you.

Playable characters: Kazuki, Tokiko, Bravo, Ouka, Shusui, Papillon, Gouta

Shion no Ou 19

“He was the only man I cared about.”

Satoru gets desperate for some phone sex.

“This will help me get in the mood for my later customers.”

“You know those kinky photos we took last time? I really need copies.”

“I don’t need Pleasure today, Ayumi.”

“Hani-meijin is mine now!”

“She taught us how to use these hands for Hyper Self Pleasure!”

Dragons’ Den

Welcome to our regular feature based on the TV program of the same name, in which anime characters try to market their great idea to five fat cats of anime! President Aria made his fortune in the gondola industry of Neo Venezia, and is now CEO of a well-known company. Mikoto started her business in the capital of Wind Bloom, and is now a trusted advisor to the queen, with business partners scattered across the world. The Admiral’s first business venture was to invest in a Chinese restaurant, but a meteor threat to Earth saw her buy shares in ground and space based defence technology, which she currently administers with her protégé “The General” (aka Shogun). Mr Tibbs started his career as a tea cat for the bank, but his sound grasp of finance saw him rise up the ranks until he became one of their most prominent managers. Finally, The Cardinal is the world’s most powerful fat cat, with a wide range of business interests that ensure that he has a paw in every pie (often literally, depending on his appetite). These five cats represent some heavyweight investment clout in every sense of the word, but is any deal attractive enough to get them to roll off their backsides and shake paws with a budding entrepreneur?

The latest entrepreneur to brave the Den is Taro, a generic male with a rather interesting proposal- the sale of personal harems for men and women.

Taro: Hello everyone, I’m Taro, and I’m here to show you how you can revolutionise your life with your own personal harem! Lonely men can spice up their lives with our starter pack of Lead Girl, Tsundere, Meganekko and Maid, whilst add-on such as Sports Girl, Android, Iinchou and many more are available for purchase from our website. We also cater for the female market with specialised reverse harems of bishounen.

Admiral: This is all very interesting, but we’re cats- we aren’t really interested in human mating rituals. I’m out.

Cardinal: Actually, I am interested if I can make money from it. I can foresee this being a nice little earner.

Taro’s proposal has already caused controversy in the Den, but can he rely on the Cardinal’s interest in the product to land an offer?

Aria: Punyu? [Do you cater for people looking to land a specific partner?]

Taro: Well, we’ve really chosen to specialise in harems at the moment.

Aria: Punyu. [That’s a shame- if it can’t help me get President Hime, I’m out.]

Mikoto: To be honest, I’ve spent some time in the company of generic characters, and the idea of flooding the market with more of them frightens me. I’m out.

Three Dragons are out already, but will either the Cardinal or Mr Tibbs throw Taro a lifeline?

Cardinal: I don’t know what the others are on about- not only can we make a killing from lonely otaku with this, but we can then make generic anime series about their lives and sell related merchandise. I’d like to make you an offer.

It’s success for Taro, but will this cause the anime market to collapse from harem overload? We can only wait and see.

This Week in Anime

“In the old days, Grandpa and I would have tomato carrying races.”

Magatama make a long-awaited return.

Jaco Daniels, not to be confused with Jack Daniels.

“Oh god, I’m losing the baby!”

The true purpose of the pyramids is finally revealed- they were meant to house giant apples.

“Could this be the fabled Strawberry Mountain I’ve heard so much about?”

“Melons! Get your watermelons, parsnips and nondescript round things here!”

“Could this be- fruit?”

“One day I will live in luxury, consuming whatever fruit I wish!”

“You didn’t mean to drink the invisibility potion?”

Little did we know how important apples were to become in Spice and Wolf.

“Am I too late for the tomato carrying race?”

Sweet juicy apples…

…you can never have enough.

Maybe that’s why shinigami like them so much.

Just for DS, we now track dango!

That basket of oranges has been in so many series.

How can I order from this Zamahzon place?

Neapolitan dango.

*NEW* Classic PC Games: Traffic Department 2192

As part of a new feature, we go back in time to investigate the PC games that shaped Karura’s formative years, starting with the surprisingly influential Traffic Department 2192. Set in the future on the distant planet of Seche, TD 2192 deposits you right in the middle of the war between the native Traffic Department and the invading Vulture army; you’ll play as Lieutenant Marta Velasquez, a pilot with a sharp tongue and a chip on her shoulder, through twenty missions in the shareware version, and a further forty in the full version.

Actual game play is rather simple- in either a hoversled or helicopter, you fly around the city accomplishing the objective of either wiping out the enemy or protecting your ally. Gunning down everything in sight is usually the way forward, and since the number of maps you use is rather limited, you won’t have to worry about finding your way around. Nonetheless, it’s good fun- but what really makes the game stand out is what happens between missions, namely, the dialogue. With a somewhat crude yet surprisingly funny set of exchanges and one-liners, TD 2192 was the kind of game you couldn’t play when your parents were in the room, although admittedly by the second and third episodes both the humour and the plot had worn a little thin.

Visually, TD 2192 uses ray trace graphics for scrolling, arcade style gameplay, whilst the music is oddly catchy- especially the three tracks used in missions. It may have not been played by many, but those who try it will always remember TD 2192 with a degree of fondness.

Mini-editorial: Should the future of DVD releases lie in boxsets alone?

In the days when I was young and reckless, I would purchase single DVDs as they came out- hungrily devouring the three to five episodes on an average disc over the course of an evening or two. It was all very exciting to be at the cutting edge of the UK and sometimes US market (which admittedly wasn’t all that cutting edge compared to the latest releases from Japan), but by the time I had amassed several hundred DVDs, it occurred to me that I had perhaps spent rather a lot of money on this pursuit.

From then on, my desire for single DVDs seemed to peter out, especially when the patient were almost always rewarded with cheap boxsets that were a relief for both the bank account and the heaving shelves. Being able to marathon a whole series without long two month gaps that ensured you’d pretty much forgotten what had happened at the beginning by the time you reached the end was something of a revelation, not to mention the series where you weren’t in any rush because you’d already seen it on fansub.

With all this in mind, it seems no wonder that the market for single DVDs has declined, to the point where some series have even been pulled due to poor sales. And with 13-26 episode sets becoming increasingly popular, wouldn’t it be better to make the switch completely and save the printing and production costs of the single DVDs? Or do they still have a role as more expensive ‘comparison products’ that actually help the boxsets to sell better?

Harem of the week: Juliet (Romeo X Juliet)

Her one true love was meant to be Romeo, but she somehow amassed many more admirers in her quest to find a plot.

Harem

Romeo: Her true love, with whom she would share an angst-filled relationship.

Tybalt: Dark brooding bishounen who always appeared during Juliet’s hours of need.

Curio: Stoic Kurogane type who secretly loves Juliet but never reveals his feelings.

Francisco: Blonde playboy who hides deep feelings for Juliet.

Antonio: Obligatory shota.

Rivals

Hermione: Romeo’s fiancée- gives up on him when the plot turns against her.

Cielo: Romeo’s HORSE, and his first lover.