When Keiichirou Tachibana chucks in a well paid job to become the proprietor of a patisserie, it seems an unlikely move for a man who doesn’t even like sweets that much. Still, his new life is far from uneventful, thanks to his new employees- a chief patissier so gay that he’s been fired from all his jobs for making even straight men fall in love with him, an ex-boxer with a sweet tooth and an overly devoted family friend. But does Tachibana’s sudden desire to deal in confectionaries have something to do with the fact that he was once kidnapped by a man with a strange predilection for delicious cakes?

Despite its obvious HARD GAY reputation, I initially regarded Antique Bakery with an optimistic eye; maybe it would be like the cake version of Bartender, with troubled customers coming in each week to find their perfect cake. The result combination of delicious confections and human drama could only be a recipe for a success, couldn’t it? Well, maybe it could have been if the series had gone down that route- but unfortunately, it didn’t.

Instead, what we get is something so ridiculously HARD GAY that it’s hard to believe even the producers took it seriously- in fact, all I needed to do to parody each episode was just relate almost exactly what happened. From gay baker Ono’s fear of anything lacking a Y chromosome to family friend Chikage’s overzealous devotion to Tachibana, everything is completely over the top- and worst of all, nothing really happens. Yes, there is an attempt at a main plot in which Tachibana tries to use his cake shop to track down the cake-obsessed man who kidnapped him as a child, but the whole thing is so utterly stupid that it is hardly worth classing as a plot at all.

Similarly, the characters, whilst unintentionally amusing, are largely a case of wasted potential. Despite having points where depth or development could be explored (such as ex-boxer Eiji having to give up his career or risk losing his sight), each of the main characters is portrayed one dimensionally, leading to a quartet of the uptight STRAIGHT man, the openly HARD GAY guy, the overeager novice and the stoic sidekick. The supporting cast is even less substantial, with the few other named characters proving forgettable at best and irritating at worst.

Visually, Antique Bakery sticks to a pale, pastel style that suits the series, although its greatest accomplishment is the paper cut out style opening and jigsaw ending. Background music is inoffensive and forgettable.

Final Thoughts

I don’t know what it was intending to achieve, but ultimately all Antique Bakery managed was to be an over the top HARD GAY-fest that was hilarious for all the wrong reasons. Perhaps the original manga held more promise, but this adaptation certainly didn’t have much of genuine value to offer.

Tier: Wood+

Yoshioka: Thanks for everything you did, Tachibana- and don’t worry, we won’t reveal your name as a low-life collaborating snitch!

Udagawa: It’s just as well you got there when you did, because after the cake would have come death! That’s how meals usually go, isn’t it?

(Tachibana: Oh, shut up, you minor characters! When am I going to get closure? I’ve wasted eleven episodes of my life in a stupid cake shop just to catch these damned kidnappers!)

Tachibana returns to Antique, where the others are still waiting.

Ono: Tachibana, is it true that the series is ending?

Tachibana: Yes, but we have one episode left- so we should make the most of it.

Ono: So, how was the child?

Tachibana: Oh yeah, he was okay.

Everyone seems happy, and Chikage even cries tears of happiness.

Tachibana: Oh come on, who cares about that? It wasn’t like he was the one who kidnapped me!

Meanwhile, the Original Kidnapper™ is moving house and may never be caught.

Solicitor: Well, this completes the contract- do you know where you’re moving to?

Man: I know where I’m going- Hell.

Time passes, and Antique Bakery continues to go from strength to strength. Everyone lives happily ever after- except that there are 14 minutes still to fill. So instead, Tachibana wakes up one morning to find that Chikage has packed his bags.

Tachibana: What- what’s going on here?

Chikage: I must leave you now, young Master.

Tachibana: What- are you going away to train in the mountains?

Chikage: No, I’m just moving out to my own place. Now that you don’t need me to make your cocoa and hug you at night, I think it’s a bit HARD GAY for us to be living together.

Tachibana: When has that ever been a problem?

Chikage: I’m afraid it’s time for me to get my own place so I can bring home other men. Farewell- I may get in touch some time.

Tachibana: Well, this is the era of e-mail and mobile phones, so it won’t exactly be hard.

Chikage leaves, but that very night Tachibana has another nightmare.

(Tachibana: Damn, I keep having this dream that I’m trapped in a world where I run a HARD GAY bakery!)

The next day (or whenever), Eiji and Ono are in the kitchen.

Eiji: Hey, I was thinking it was about time for me to go to France to improve my skills. My French teacher is going back for a couple of weeks, so I can go with her.

Ono: Go with a woman? I don’t think that’s such a great idea.

Eiji: Oh, but her father runs a bakery.

(Ono: Hmm, Eiji could learn much at the skilled hands of another man like myself).

Ono: On second thought, you must go at once! Godspeed!

In the very next scene, Eiji is leaving for France.

Ono: I just hope I can make it through these weeks without Eiji. Chikage, when you get your new place you must invite me over at once!

Chikage: Of course! It will be near the shop, so we can always nip home at lunch break.

With Eiki gone and Chikage moving, the shop seems very empty.

Ono: Man, I could use some HARD GAY right now. Without Eiji around, it’s hard to get motivated to use my hands in the kitchen.

Tachibana: Well, I’m not about to let you sleep with me- but rest assured that we will be main characters together forever!

Although he has sold his house, the Original Kidnapper decides to buy one more cake from Antique. He chooses a large strawberry cake.

(Tachibana: Thank god for that- I felt uneasy with all those strawberries in the shop.)

As the Original Kidnapper walks very slowly away from the bakery, Tachibana has plenty of time to fall into a Flashback Mode about how the kidnapper let him go after the stabbing.

(Tachibana: I feel at peace now- the kidnapper let me go, and he probably didn’t rape me after all! I’ve been fearing HARD GAY for nothing!)

And so, life goes on. Was anything really achieved? Probably not. But for now, this is-

THE END.

Tachibana finds himself trapped in yet another Flashback Mode about his kidnapping.

Young Tachibana: Mother, it was awful! And the worst thing wasn’t being taken from my family and forced to live with a strange man- it was eating cakes with strawberries on top!

Back in the present, the two cops plan a stakeout at Antique.

Old Detective: I know it’s the penultimate episode, but I’d like to announce that we habe names! I am now Udagawa, and this young guy is Yoshioka.

Tachibana: Hey Ono, now that these guys have name, do you fancy them?

Ono: I’ll never be that desperate.

As the police plan the details of the stakeout, Udagawa tries coming onto Chikage,

Udagawa: Hey young man, you look rather fit and strong. Do you wear those sunglasses to attract all the boys, er, I mean women?

Chikage: Er, no, it’s just that I’m a little short-sighted- and despite wearing these sunglasses, it seems to be getting worse.

Udagawa: Have you considered getting prescription lenses?

Chikage: Hmm, I hadn’t thought of that- I thought you could just wear any pair of glasses and it would automatically correct your vision.

Finally all the police cameras are set up and it is time for Antique to open.

Yoshioka: Perverted stalking mode- on!

After a whole day of viewing, nothing seems to have happened.

Yoshioka: So, Udagawa, seen any decent men today?

Udagawa: A few, but I haven’t seen any obviously suspicious looking kidnappers coming in.

Tachibana brings up dinner.

Yoshioka: We’d better step up the investigations a notch- Tachibana, have you seen any suspicious customers?

Tachibana: Surprisingly enough, no.

Yoshioka: Are you sure? No men who looked like they might be kidnappers?

Udagawa: Wait- I think I see some suspicious people coming in now!

Everyone takes a look.

Tachibana: No, they’re just random distraction characters. You know, I’m pretty sure kidnappers aren’t all that obvious to spot.

Udagawa: But this is the way the police have always proceeded! We have no other leads!

The day comes to an end, and apart from Chikage searching for a customer’s lost contact on the floor, little of note happens.

(Tachibana: Come on, plot development- we don’t have much time left!)

Tachibana falls into a Flashback Mode about high school.

Friend #1: I don’t know what it is about Ono, but he makes my heart beat a little faster!

Friend #2: I’m not even HARD GAY, but I’d pick him over an ugly girl any day!

Tachibana: Shut up! HARD GAY is evil! Flashback Mode squared!

Tachibana has a Flashback Mode within a Flashback Mode about how his kidnapper hugged him and called him a cute boy.

Ironically, back in the present, a suspicious woman comes by.

Tachibana: We’re actually closed, but as you’re probably important to the plot, please come and buy some cakes.

Woman: Oh, thank you.

Udagawa: Hmm, nothing suspicious here.

The woman seems a bit nervous and weak.

Tachibana: Are you okay? Would you like a rest, or maybe a lift home?

Woman: Oh no, you might find the kidnapped boy- er, I mean, everything’s fine.

Tachibana: Please- I insist.

In the end, Tachibana gets his way and gives the woman a lift. As she enters her suspiciously darkened house, a scream can be heard.

Tachibana: Is that your child?

Woman: Er, yes- he must just be playing a game or something.

The woman rushes into the house and tries to slam the door, but Tachibana holds it open.

(Tachibana: Something seems amiss here- if only I could put my finger on it.)

Tachibana enters the house.

Woman: No, don’t come in! Stop! Listen to my ineffectual pleas!

Driven on by Flashback Modes about being forced to eat strawberries and possibly have HARD GAY with his captor, Tachibana starts searching the house. He finally reaches the Door of Fate.

Tachibana: Open the door! The series is almost over and we must resolve this!

The door opens and the latest abducted boy runs out. Shortly after, the kidnapper emerges, but it is just a young man.

Tachibana: You’re not the real kidnapper! Zetsubou shita!

Tachibana: I don’t want any more strawberries!

Kidnapper: Wait! Would raspberries have been better?

In the present, Ono presents a new cake.

Eiji: Delicious! A perfect combination of mousse and fruit!

Ono: Er, yes, ‘mousse’…

Tachibana: Anyway, Eiji, I’ve decided that you’ve levelled up enough to have two cake recipes on sale.

Eiji: As expected for a main character- I’m unstoppable!

Tachibana: Watch it, boy- I’m more important to the plot than you are.

As business hours begin, Tachibana and Chikage begin serving customers. A particularly beautiful young woman comes by.

Tachibana: Well, hello there- and what can I do for you?

Woman: Actually, I’m Ono’s sister Nagako.

Tachibana: Ono has female relatives!?

Tachibana goes into the kitchen to tell Ono.

Ono: Oh yes, I do have a sister, don’t I? I haven’t seen her in ten years- ever since I developed my phobia of women. Actually, I have some family issues- you see, I caught my mother sleeping with my teacher!

Tachibana: That’s awful!

Ono: I know- he was my first crush!

Ono goes out to see Nagako.

Nagako: It’s been a while, I know, but when I heard you were starring in an anime, I decided to get in on the act. Plus I’m also getting married, and I’d like to invite you.

Ono: Erm, I don’t think I’m ready for such a celebration of STRAIGHT.

Nagako: If it’s STRAIGHT you’re talking about, then you should know that our father had many affairs.

Ono: Well, so did Mum, erm, I mean- I’ll think about it.

Ono goes back to the bakery.

Tachibana: So, what do you think of my chances with your sister?

Ono: None- she’s getting married.

Tachibana: Zetsubou shita! Am I to be stuck in this world of HARD GAY forever?

Elsewhere, Mr Important to the Plot is trapped in a delusion that his son is still alive. His long suffering partner (who regularly buys cakes from Antique) decides she has had enough.

Man: Here you go, son, a lovely cake for you!

(Woman: Hmm, he’s really losing it.)

Woman: Look, it’s time to face facts- there’s nothing there! Your son would be grown up if he was alive, but he isn’t! He died over twenty years ago!

Man: Shut up, bitch!

Plot Man gets out a knife, but can’t go through with that.

Man: It’s that time of the month again- time to go kidnap another boy and force feed him with cake.

The next morning, Tachibana awakens from another nightmare to breakfast with Chikage.

Tachibana: Hmm, two men sitting down to breakfast together- it’s all so depressingly HARD GAY.

Chikage: Maybe we should get a civil partnership.

Tachibana: Never!

They are interrupted by news of another kidnapping.

Tachibana: I hope this is all resolved by episode twelve.

At the police station, real progress is being made with the kidnapping case.

Young Cop: Well, we’ve had a good think about it, and we’ve come to the conclusion that all these children are being kidnapped and murdered by the same person!

Old Detective: In that case, it’s most definitely related to the kidnapping of Tachibana twenty years ago!

Inspector: What’s even stranger is that all of the children had stomachs full of cake!

Old Detective: Yes, this is exactly like the Tachibana case! What a coincidence!

The Old Detective decides to talk to the region’s leading cake ingredients expert, Akutagawa.

Expert: Hmm, rhubarb, raspberry mousse and an almond base- this can only be the famous Antique Bakery!

The police visit Antique.

Old Detective: Tachibana-san, we’ve already brought your cake in for investigation, but unfortunately it wouldn’t answer any of our questions. We’re hoping you can be more helpful.

Tachibana: Yes, this is just what I’ve been waiting for! This is why I started the shop in the first place!

(Tachibana: They must never guess my true purpose- to overcome my lifelong fear of strawberries!)

Old Detective: Akutagawa, you were right when you said we should probe any suspicious people!

Akutagawa: Well, actually I was just talking about my hobby, but yes- and this time, I’m experienced enough not to need the manual!

To be continued…

Tachibana: Who would have thought such plain cake would sell this well? All those cooking shows about fine dining have lied to me!

Ono: Well, it’s just like my body- once people get a taste of it, they keep coming back for more.

Whilst Eiji makes more cakes, Tachibana and Ono discuss his future.

Tachibana: So, what do you think? Is he going to become a worthy patissier?

Ono: Well, um…

(Ono: I can’t risk my kitchen lover being fired! Quick, make something up!)

Ono:…er, yes- one day he’ll be even better than me in the bedroom, er, I mean kitchen.

Tachibana: What!? Well, if it’s true, don’t tell him- it’ll ruin the character dynamics even more than the revelation that Chikage has a daughter!

Ono: Okay, but is it okay if we start him on proper training? Long hours in the kitchen, getting all hot and sweaty, ripping off our whites to reveal the glistening muscles beneath- I can’t wait!

As part of his training, Eiji is told that he has to go to evening classes to learn French.

Eiji: French? But what does that have to do with baking cakes?

Ono: French is the language of love- I like my lovers to whisper sweet nothings in it when we spend the night together. Besides, it will help you out when you go to France to learn HARD GAY from the masters.

Eiji begins taking classes, but he doesn’t seem to be learning anything.

Chikage: You can tell how much he hates studying just by looking at him from behind.

Ono: Really? I study his behind for different reasons.

Tachibana begins to despair of the money he is spending.

Tachibana: This is pointless! I’m spending all this money and we haven’t even had a training montage yet!

Ono: Don’t worry- if these French classes can’t turn Eiji HARD GAY, nothing can!

After seeing another kidnapping case on the news, Tachibana goes out to buy beer and angst. He happens to see Eiji confronting a random thug.

Thug: Hey, I’ll beat up random old guys if I like!

Eiji: Enough with your attitude- don’t you know I’m a main character?

Thug: What?

The thug runs away.

The next day, Eiji is at class when someone comes in and orders an artery-hardening twenty choux pastries. Chikage rushes into the kitchen to report.

Chikage: Emergency, Ono- we’re almost out of choux pastry!

Ono: Assemble the Baking Rangers at once! Oh, wait, Eiji isn’t here. Well, I’m busy making Michelin-starred desserts, so it will have to wait.

Tachibana comes in.

Tachibana: Ono, this isn’t another of those Celebrity Masterchef challenges- we have customers!

Ono: If you want cakes made, do it yourself! No, actually, that’s not a bad idea…

Before he knows it, Tachibana is making choux pastry.

Tachibana: If I’d realised I could do this myself, I never would have hired a chef.

Eiji gets back and has a crisis of confidence after seeing Tachibana cook with ease. The next day, he tries to make himself indispensable by cooking dozens of cakes, but manages to burn his hand.

Eiji: Aagh- my Hyper Self Pleasure hand!

Ono: Here, let me give you Pleasure for today.

Eiji: No, I’ll do it myself!

Eiji spends the day baking before going to French class. On his way home, he is confronted by the thug and his friends.

Thug: Let’s see how main character power fares against this!

Eiji: You’re nothing to me! Low budget animation static attacks!

Eiji dispatches the thugs just as Ono turns up. They both go to a church.

Ono: You know, if you really don’t like learning French, we can just have HARD GAY in Japanese.

Eiji: No- I really do want to please you! It’s just- well, if you’re sending me to France, does that mean you don’t need me anymore?

Ono: Of course not!

Eiji: But- I have insecurity issues! I want to be needed, wanted, loved! I want to be the only man you look at!

Ono: Eiji, don’t be silly, no one man can satisfy my appetites- but that being said, you are a very talented lover, my precious Eiji. Just promise me you won’t get into fights and damage your beautiful face!

Eiji: Anything, Master!

To be continued…

The episode begins in the home of a female writer as she types up a story; for comedy’s sake, we shall pretend she is a food critic.

(Woman: The meal was absolutely awful. The potatoes were undercooked; I’ve cracked my teeth on softer rocks! And as for the dessert, well, to even call such a lacklustre and watery mixture a dessert is an insult to chefs everywhere.)

Her daughter comes in.

Daughter: Mum, I’m hungry.

Woman: Then go and eat something! Don’t bother me with such trivialities! You know where the fridge, supermarket and ATM machine are, don’t you?

Daughter: But Mum, I want to spend time with you! You never do anything with me anymore!

Woman: Shut up- there are restaurants to be reviewed, you know! If you need money, then go and become a prostitute or something- don’t come crying to me about it.

Back at Antique, Eiji has turned out a rather plain-looking cake.

Tachibana: This is far too dull! We want sexy, Michelin star type food!

Ono: Let’s at least taste it first.

Everyone takes a slice of cake.

Tachibana: Actually, this isn’t too bad!

Ono: We must make this one of our products immediately! Of course, we’ll have to level it up a bit first- you might have the raw potential, but you’re not ready to upstage me yet.

The girl from earlier enters.

Girl: Chi-chan!

Chikage: Deko-chan!

(Ono: A woman! And she’s already friends with Chikage!)

Deko: Can I stay at your place tonight?

(Ono: NOOOOO!!!!)

Tachibana: Hey Deko-chan, long time no see.

Tachibana begins teasing Deko.

(Ono: Not Tachibana as well!? What’s going on here?)

Ono: Let me get this straight- this girl’s just a relative, isn’t she? There’s nothing else going on, is there?

(Ono: My heart rate is rising- being this close to a woman can’t be good for me!)

There’s worse to come as Deko hugs Chikage.

Deko: Chi-chan, it’s awful! My mother hit me- I’m sure she hates me!

Chikage: Even though an outside observer may say that your mother is neglectful and unnecessarily cruel to you, I can assure you that it’s all your fault. You’re the one who needs to be strong in this situation- support your cold bitch of a mother, and everything will be fine.

Chikage thinks back to a night when he comforted Tachibana.

Tachibana: Chikage, don’t tell anyone about my secret HARD GAY leanings!

ChikageL I won’t tell, so stick it in without fear.

Back in the present, a bombshell is about to be dropped as Deko’s mother, Sakurako, arrives.

Sakurako: There you are, you stupid girl! Here I was thinking you’d gone out to be a prostitute and instead you’re just hanging around in some HARD GAY bakery!

Chikage: Leave her alone!

Sakurako: Why, are you ready to step up to the plate and be a father?

Eiji: Father?

Ono: FATHER!? Zetsubou shita! This world where Chikage has partaken in heterosexual relations has left me in despair!

Sakurako: Well, the life of an author and food critic is hard, and when I wanted a child I decided to have it with the first guy I met, who happened to be Chikage. I thought if I could marry his looks and my brains, I’d make the perfect child, but she doesn’t take after me at all! Plus she’s a typical anime girl, so she looks like a high schooler even though she isn’t even thirteen!

(Ono: This sounds like a story for the Jeremy Kyle show!)

Eiji: This is just getting more and more bizarre- who could have foreseen this plot development?

Sakurako: Oh, and by the way, I’m not a completely cold-hearted bitch- I’m actually secretly ill and thus a figure of pathos rather than hatred.

Tachibana: Yeah, yeah, they all say that- just get some exercise and you’ll get better.

Sakurako: Why exercise when I can smoke?

Sakurako lights up another cigarette.

Chikage: Forget all that- let’s all be friends and share a lovely slice of cake.

Deko eats some of the cake, which somehow mends all the family tensions.

Sakurako: All right, time to go home!

Deko: Yay, home!

Tachibana: Hey, you might want to think about buying Deko a bra- she needs some support.

Sakurako: Meh, who cares- I’ll just wait until she’s stopped growing and buy her something then.

Tachibana: If everyone thought like that, children would always be naked!

Deko: Hey, don’t bully my chain-smoking and uncaring mother!

After Sakurako and Deko go home, everyone else goes back inside to clear up.

Eiji: Chikage a father- who would have thought it?

Tachibana: Well, you know how helpful he is- Sakurako said she wanted a child, and he couldn’t help but help out.

Chikage: I have to admit, though, that STRAIGHT felt good.

(Ono: Aagh, the thought of STRAIGHT! It burns!)

Meanwhile, Deko and Sakurako go home.

Sakurako: You know, maybe I have been a bit neglectful- I guess I could make some cake for you.

Deko: Oh, that’s okay- if you teach me how to make it, I’ll be better off. I am already in the fourth grade, you know, even if I do about seven years older than I actually am.

Meanwhile, our leads go out to dinner, only to hear about a kidnapping case on the news.

(Tachibana: This situation echoes my troubled past! Could this be some kind of foreshadowing?)

To be continued…

With the recent announcement of a second season of Fullmetal Alchemist coinciding with the Pope announcing seven new ‘modern’ deadly sins, it seems only natural that the two should go hand in hand. Could it be that in this new season, Ed and Al will have to battle seven new Homunculi related to these sins?

Pollution: Like a villain from Captain Planet, Pollution’s only aim is to spew noxious and damaging materials into the atmosphere. Wherever Pollution goes, animals die, plants wither and mysterious mutants turn up.

Genetic Engineering: Under the guise of a simple country doctor, Genetic Engineering carries out horrific experiments even worse than those seen at Lab 5. His aim is to improve soul transfer and chimera creation, and he is one of the few Homunculi who can use alchemy.

Obscene Riches: Bearing a remarkable physical similarity to Peter Jones of Dragons’ Den, Obscene Riches’ only goal is to make as much money as possible, even if it means bankrupting others in the process.

Taking Drugs: Usually seen lurking on a street corner, Taking Drugs can produce all kinds of mind-altering substances from within his body. His only aim is to addict as many people as possible.

Abortion: In the guise of a midwife, Abortion travels from town to town, visiting pregnant women. With a single press of her hand to a woman’s abdomen, she can dissolve the baby inside.

Paedophilia: A creepy man in an overcoat, Paedophilia has an unhealthy interest in young children, and will whisk them off at the first opportunity.

Causing Social Injustice: A knight in tarnished armour, Causing Social Injustice travels the land, wronging rights wherever he goes.

Nabari no Ou 15-16

No one said HARD GAY was safe.

“Don’t use your Liang! You’re going to rip me apart!”

“It’s no good- I just can’t control the urges!”

“I didn’t want my first time to be this way!”

“I think I love you!”

“…whether I’m STRAIGHT or HARD GAY.”

“This is what happens when you jump straight into bed with a stranger.”

“I know where the sex toys are!”

“I’d like to order Pleasure for sometime within the next seven days.”

“I know you take a while to get in the mood, but surely that should be long enough to work up to it.”

“Think of servicing us as a mission.”

“Once we have the ultimate techniques, everyone’s sex life will improve!”

*NEW* Scenes We’d Like to See

Based on the round of the same name from Mock the Week, Scenes We’d Like to See suggests an anime-related situation and then comes up with humorous suggestions. Unfortunately, we don’t have the likes of Frankie Boyle and Hugh Dennis around to help out, but we’ll try our best.

“Things a giant robot pilot would never say”

“I’m sorry, but I can’t pilot this- I haven’t had any training!”

“This robot defies the laws of physics- can’t we just use some really big guns?”

“For god’s sake, I’m only fourteen! I want to go out with my friends and buy porn magazines, not pilot some robot!”

“As a generic character who only appears in the first episode, I’m sure that I will win this battle before the main character shows up.”

“Since I went out there without a clue as to what I was doing, of course I messed up and had to be rescued by my highly trained allies.”

“I’m turning twenty-one next week.”

“I have a happy family life with absolutely nothing to complain about.”

“I am a female Gundam pilot with numerous victories and extensive battle experience.”

“I find it really hard to get the girls.”

This Week in Anime

Massive apple balloon can only be eclipsed by…

…massive ice cream balloon that doesn’t quite look like what it’s meant to be.

“At last- an orange of my own! I must crack its secrets!”

Cameraman stumbles on secret rubber duck convention.

Onegai Teacher, sponsored by T-Mobile.

Zetsubou shita!

You can’t trust an orange when it’s just been left alone like that.

“It’s an orange!”

Rubber duck takes job as impromptu censor.

Oranges and bananas may aspire to climb the dessert mountain, but can either of them break through the chocolate ceiling?

“According to this, we must report all incidences of fruit and veg in anime!”

What can be more tragic than a crushed apple?

HORSE! Get your HORSE here!

An apple a day applies even to Nekomata.

Who knew that you had to mine for strawberries?

“We’re more used to seeing strawberries, apples and oranges in anime.”

“Zetsubou shita!”

“A 9K gold hairpin set with a round brilliant cut sky blue topaz!”

Anime World Tour: Antique Bakery

Welcome to a world where cakes and HARD GAY are synonymous with each other! If you have a sweet tooth and a desire to see pretty boys who may or may not be sleeping with each other, then stop by Antique, the café that caters to all your tastes! Just watch out, however, as this world is also populated by kidnappers with a penchant for force feeding cakes to their captives.

Harem of the week: Kei Kusanagi (Onegai Teacher)

A mild-mannered young man with a disease that caused him to periodically have standstills and look 15 at age 18, Kei was nonetheless quite a hit with the ladies- especially those from outer space.

Harem

Mizuho: Kei’s alien teacher, who he ends up married to after a series of events triggered by discovering her secret. Although it is initially a marriage of convenience, they do develop feelings for each other.

Herikawa: Kei’s optimistic and good-natured classmate who obviously has unrequited feelings for him.

Ichigo: Another classmate who suffers from the same disease as Kei and hence is in fact 21 years old.

Maho: Mizuho’s little sister; she initially disapproves of Kei but later seems to develop affectionate feelings for him.

Katsuho: Mizuho’s outgoing mother, an older woman who seems interested in seducing Kei.

Despite it being August at the time of airing in the real world, Christmas has arrived in Antique world, and Ono has prepared some special cakes.

Tachibana: Is that white stuff on the cake chocolate?

Ono: Er, no…you’ll find out what that suspicious white liquid is when you taste it…

The others dig in.

Eiji: This fresh cream is great! It tastes wonderful!

Ono: Yes, er, ‘cream’…

Meanwhile, the retired officer turned detective is hanging around outside.

Detective: Screen time- has anyone got any screen time for me?

Ono: No, but I do have these cakes from my white range.

Detective: Oh, thank you.

(Ono: These cakes will sell like, well, hotcakes.)

Tachibana: Anyway, enough of that- I have an exciting announcement to make! On Christmas Eve I’m going to dress as Santa and climb down chimneys into kids’ bedrooms in order to leave them a special surprise! Or, since the broadcast standards won’t allow me to do that, just deliver them cakes with my Ferrari.

Chikage: Isn’t that a bit extreme?

Tachibana: I wouldn’t say so; of course, I’ll be expecting you to stay here and serve the customers by yourself.

Chikage: Young Master, I can’t do it without you!

Later, Tachibana is in the back trying to decide if he should shave.

Ono: You know, back in school I always thought you were cool- not the kind of guy who dresses up in a Santa suit!

Tachibana: Don’t you know that I have issues? As if it wasn’t bad enough that I was kidnapped and left with an irrational fear of strawberries, a girl once dumped me!

Tachibana proceeds to tell a Flashback Mode tale of how he was just too perfect for his girlfriend.

Ono: I knew women were nothing but trouble.

Chikage enters.

Chikage: Help, there’s a female customer outside! I don’t know what to do!

Tachibana heads out to handle it.

Woman: For Christmas, I’d like a massive cake made out of choux a la crème.

(Tachibana: I hope Ono can manage to produce that much of his special cream…)

Tachibana: Uh, we’ll see what we can do.

Begin Masterchef challenge!

Today’s Christmas challenge will see each contestant try to raise their game in a different area. Whilst Tachibana must learn how to decorate the perfect cake, Chikage will be out front serving, and the other two will be improving their baking techniques.

Tachibana: Caramel flick- aagh, it burns!

Tachibana’s early attempts with caramel are not going well. Meanwhile, Chikage has swiftly got the hang of handling four plates.

Tachibana: Ah, it must be because of your big hands- and when a man’s hands are big, you know what that says about his Liang.

(Ono: Great news!)

Chikage: What do I do now? Which plate do I put down first?

Meanwhile, out in the back.

Ono: Okay, it’s time for you to try to make your own cream, Eiji. I’ll just stand and watch.

Eiji: Uh, okay…

(Eiji: This is embarrassing.)

One week later, and everyone is ready to be put to the test. Tachibana is dressed in his Santa suit.

Tachibana: It’s Ferrari time! How do I look?

Ono: Like Jack Skellington when he dressed up as Santa in The Nightmare Before Christmas.

Tachibana: Pfft- just you wait!

Unfortunately, at the first house he delivers to, Tachibana’s get up makes the baby cry.

Mother: He must think you’re the Boogie Man.

Tachibana: What’s up with these gratuitous Nightmare Before Christmas references?

Elsewhere, Tachibana is met with ridicule and scepticism.

Old Man: You know, Santa is really meant to be a jolly fat man- what kid is going to believe in him after you’ve been?

Back at Antique, Eiji is finally having success with the white cream.

Ono: I know it’s hard to get it right at first, but once you relax you’ll find it comes out easily.

Eiji: I never knew it could be used in this way!

Meanwhile, Tachibana finally visits a house that likes his costume- if only because everyone there is drunk.

Man: Wow, it’s the new politically correct Santa- he’s no longer morbidly obese and in danger of dying from heart failure!

Now the time has come for Tachibana to decorate the cake, which for some reason looks like a lot of takoyaki piled high.

Man: Tell me, what are you doing here?

Tachibana: I’m making a caramel topping for the cake.

Man: Okay- you have five minutes to plate up!

Tachibana manages to coat the cake in caramel, creating a mini-Christmas tree effect (albeit an unattractive brown tree).

Masterchef challenge complete!

Back at Antique, the cakes have sold out.

Tachibana: Well done, Chikage- you might actually get through to the next round of HARD GAY Masterchef!

Chikage: Well, actually, Eiji did most of my work for me…I’m just not good at anything other than HARD GAY and calling out “Young Master!” periodically.

Tachibana goes out to the locker room to reminisce about his past.

Tachibana: You know, my kidnapper never asked for money- he either wanted to rape me or feed me cake. Either way, I’ve never been able to look at a strawberry since then without wanting to throw up.

Eiji: Well, cheer up, it’s Christmas.

Ono shows up.

Ono: I don’t know if this is a good time, but I’ve somehow had time to make some savoury dishes I think you should try! If we start selling them in the New Year, it will make this place less cloyingly sweet.

Tachibana samples them.

Tachibana: This is delicious! And I even feel strangely aroused!

Ono: Ah, that’ll be the ‘white sauce’.

To be continued…

Through the magic of television, we’ve jumped ahead to several months after Antique’s opening. Everything is perfect, and everyone is happy.

THE END.

Or not, because a new HARD GAY man is in town, and he’s packing red roses! He enters Antique, and one can almost hear the strains of Bach’s Toccata.

Man: Bonjour, je suis HARD GAY.

Tachibana: Oh, for goodness sake; Ono is working right now- he’ll service you later.

Ono emerges from the kitchen.

Ono: Ah, it’s my old teacher Jean Baptiste! He’s French, you know.

Jean Baptiste experiences a RAGING HARD-ON just from seeing Ono’s face.

Jean: All right, down to business- show me your Liang, er, I mean cakes. The Liang will come later.

Ono prepares some cakes for Jean Baptiste.

Jean: Hmm, not bad- I’ll give you 7/10 for the cakes, and 10/10 for HARD GAY.

Tachibana: What the hell is this guy doing here?

Jean: Hmm, is this your new lover, Yusuke? He’s not much of a catch.

Tachibana: Shut up! I’m not even HARD GAY!

Later, Ono is just about to go into his apartment when Jean Baptiste accosts him with a kiss.

Jean: Now, let’s see how you’ve progressed in the bedroom. Fancy letting me inside- in every sense of the word?

As they go indoors, Ono is sucked into a Flashback Mode about his days under Jean.

Jean: I have to warn you, I’m a passionate man- I may get a bit rough in the bedroom.

Ono: Yes, master.

Jean: No, not like that- like this! Here, use your hands to warm me up and then take me from behind!

Ono: Yes, master.

Jean: Yusuke, I may treat you harshly, but that’s only because I love you- you do know that, right?

Back in the present, and the couple are already in bed.

(Ono: Aagh, he took advantage of my Flashback Mode to have his way with me! I wasn’t even paying attention to how good it was!)

The next day, Ono and Eiji are in the kitchen.

Eiji: So, this guy is another ex-lover, eh?

Ono: Well, it would be more appropriate to call him a teacher- he taught me everything I know about Western style HARD GAY.

Eiji: So, how did you break up?

Ono: I, uh, got him pregnant- and then he lost the baby.

Eiji: Well if that’s the case, what’s he doing here?

Ono: Could you stop being so obvious about advancing the plot with your questions?

Ono slips into another Flashback Mode, this time about the previous night.

Jean: Ono, I need you to work under me once again- as my most trusted rent boy, you’d earn three times more than what that Tachibana’s paying you!

Back in the present, Ono wonders whether to hand in his resignation.

Ono: I know I’d have to forfeit my role as a main character, but I don’t know if I can pass up the opportunity for a massive pay rise and the best HARD GAY of my life!

Eiji: You can’t go! Narrative convention won’t let it happen- will it?

Tachibana: Oh, let him do what he wants.

(Tachibana: This is bad! I wonder if I can go on Dragons’ Den to ask for more money.)

After work, Tachibana takes Ono out for coffee.

Tachibana: All right, all right- you got me! I’ll turn HARD GAY if it means you won’t leave.

Ono: Actually, I wasn’t really going to leave- I won’t get any screen time in Paris! And now that Chikage’s on the scene, I don’t even fancy you that much.

Tachibana: You what!? Er, I mean, that sure is a relief.

Ono: Of course, Jean will probably get rough if I refuse, but I’ve never been a man to play it safe in the bedroom.

The next day, Ono is suspiciously late for work.

(Tachibana: Oh no- what if he was killed in a crime of passion?)

Tachibana: I’d better go and check on him.

Chikage: I’m coming too- I’ve had barely anything to do this episode!

At his apartment, Ono lies bruised and beaten on the floor whilst Jean sits in the corner. Finally, Ono awakens and gets dressed.

Jean: Why won’t you think it over? A pay rise, a permanent lover, regular beatings- what more could you want?

Ono: Screentime?

Jean: But everyone’s laughing at this series for being so HARD GAY! You’ll be taken seriously in France- they don’t call it Gay Paris for nothing!

Ono: I’m sorry.

Jean grabs Ono’s hand.

Jean: Well, if I can’t have you, no one can! Let’s see how well you cook once I break all your fingers!

Jean grips Ono’s right hand, but fortunately Chikage and Tachibana enter through the conveniently unlocked door.

Chikage: Get away from my Ono!

Ono: No, don’t hurt Jean!

Tachibana: We’ve magically talked this over off screen- Jean realised his place as a minor character and is no threat now.

Jean magically disappears.

Tachibana: Well, I’m off now- you two can have quick HARD GAY but then I want to see you back at work.

Chikage: Ono, are you all right?

Ono: I’m used to being beaten- I’m sure it was my fault anyway.

(Chikage: This is a textbook case of domestic violence! I must break Ono out of this vicious circle!)

Ono finally shows up at work.

Eiji: How dare he hurt Ono like this? I’ll put him in his place!

Ono: Eiji, you should eat Jean’s cakes- once you see how delicious they are, you’ll forgive him his violent outbursts.

Ono thinks back to Jean’s earlier unseen departure.

Ono: I admit that I only work as a patissier to make money for HARD GAY, but I finally have an apprentice who cares about cakes. I must teach him all I know in preparation for the spin-off series “Antique Bakery II: Full Throttle”.

Back in the present.

Ono: Anyway, enough of that- time to think up a winter menu!

Tachibana: And as an incentive, here’s your paycheque!

Eiji: Oh, I don’t need mine- just give it to Ono.

Tachibana: Why, are you rich or something?

Eiji: No- I’ve already given my life savings away. I don’t understand why people say you need money to live; it’s not like you can eat or drink it.

Ono: Anyway, moving on…I’d just like to say that I was really scared when I thought Jean was going to destroy my right hand- I thought I’d never be able to have Hyper Self Pleasure again!

Tachibana: Never mind that- I see you’ve become more comfortable around women lately. I’ll STRAIGHTen you out before you know it!

To be continued…

Reviewed this week: Antique Bakery 8, Detroit Metal City 2-3, Gunslinger Girl- Il Teatrino 8, Hidamari Sketch x365 8, Itazura na Kiss 21, Koihime Musou 8-9, Kyouran Kazoku Nikki 18, Love GetChu! 11, Nabari no Ou 20, Natsume Yuujinchou 9-10, Nogizaka Haruka no Himitsu 9, Ryoko’s Case File 9, Sisters of Wellber Zwei 5, World Destruction 9-10, Xam’D 8

…and in manga: Doubt 14, Elfen Lied 105, Emma Bangaihen 11-12, Minami-ke 37-9, Sketchbook 19-22, Slayers Revolution 4, xxxHOLiC 164

ANIME

CURRENT SERIES RANKINGS

1. Chi’s Sweet Home (1)- cuteness overload
2. Hidamari Sketch x365 (2) – 365 times the fun
3. Soul Eater (3) – Krona
4. Xam’d- Lost Memories (5) – Humanform
5. Natsume Yuujinchou (4) – can a fat cat get too fat?
6. Detroit Metal City (6) – I’m gonna f***ing raep you!
7. Wagaya no Oinari-sama (7) – pure white oni
8. Nabari no Ou (8) – tranquil aid to meditation
9. Nogizaka Haruka no Himitsu (9) – cliché
10. Slayers Revolution (10) – Dragon Slave
11. Koihime Musou (11) – Sun Shang Xiang
12. Antique Bakery (12) – father
13. Kyouran Kazoku Nikki (13) – Fantastic Voyage
14. Someday’s Dreamers ~Summer Skies~ (14) – magic can’t do everything
15. Ryoko’s Case File (17) – attack of the killer mangrove
16. Itazura na Kiss (18) – dislikeable cast
17. World Destruction (19) – some stuff happened
18. Chocolate Underground (21) – chocolate is forbidden

SLOW RANKINGS

1. Tetsuko no Tabi (1)- is this ever going to be subbed?
2. Love GetChu! (2)- voice acting isn’t easy
3. Gunslinger Girl- Il teatrino (4)- Claes
4. Sisters of Wellber Zwei (3) – love triangle
5. Himawari!! (5) – needs less plot
6. Real Drive (15) – demoted to slow
7. Himitsu (6) – demoted to slow
8. Allison and Lillia (-) – demoted to slow

Antique Bakery 8: It’s time for an unexpected revelation and evidence of STRAIGHT as a young girl gets fed up with her mother and asks to stay with her father for the night- that father being Chikage. As it turns out, Chikage fathered a child because one of Tachibana’s friends wanted to beat the biological clock, creating a soap opera style situation that is only exacerbated by the fact that the daughter in question is a 10 year old with the body of a high school student. It almost makes you long for the days when the series was plain, simple HARD GAY.

Detroit Metal City 2-3: After covering the rest of the material from the special, DMC is finally ready to forge ahead, as Negishi tries to keep Krauser in control whilst his agent decides to visit his home and help him lead the bona fide death metal lifestyle. By all rights, this series should be puerile and offensive, but I have to admit I find the mismatch between Negishi and Krauser to be rather entertaining- I just have to make sure I watch this when no one else is around.

Gunslinger Girl- Il teatrino 8: They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder, and it even applies to anime, making one actually look forward to a rare episode of a mediocre series. This episode is basically an expanded version of a manga chapter about a day in the life of Claes, roping in minor cyborg Beatrice (who appeared very briefly in manga volume four) as she undergoes tests, plants her garden, reads her book and has her erased memories stirred by a visit to the firing range. Unfortunately, this season is never going to be able to live up to the manga, so it’s a bit of a waste of time for anyone who’s already read it.

Hidamari Sketch x365 8: In the long overdue next instalment of Hidamari Sketch, it’s time for Sports Day, which for some reason in Japan always involves throwing balls into baskets, cavalry battles and so forth. Of course, we’ve all seen more than our fair share of anime sports festivals, but when it’s Hidamari Sketch, you can’t complain because it’s just as much fun as ever.

Itazura na Kiss 21: It’s taken 21 episodes, but Naoki’s stopped acting like a complete and utter jerk- so that someone else can take his place. As I predicted, ill pop star Nobuhiro is indeed the same Non-chan who Kotoko and the Iries once befriended in hospital, but the years have transformed him into the kind of selfish and spiteful bastard this series seems to specialise in. It’s a shame that no story arc in this series can be constructed without this kind of hateful character, but at least we’re near the end- just stop Hanners if he tries to test his theories of what would happen to someone who watched the whole series in one go.

Koihime Musou 8-9: Episode eight introduces another new party member in the form of Sun Shang Xiang (aka Sun Ren), the latest in a long line of lolis that tag along with Aisha/Guan Yu. No sooner has she joined, however, than the group become embroiled in an assassination plot and have to save archer Huang Zhong from murdering the feudal lord’s new husband by rescuing her daughter from some generic archers. After this is resolved, it’s time for the obligatory hot springs episode- except that the hot springs have dried up, forcing Aisha, Cao Cao to compete against each other to find a new spring whilst Yuan Shao bumbles about looking for treasure. I am slightly confused, however- does Liu Bei play any part whatsoever in this series?

Kyouran Kazoku Nikki 18: Given the kind of poor fare this series serves up, this episode didn’t actually seem too bad in comparison- at least at first. Ouka has fallen ill with a cold, and so Kyouka takes it upon herself to organise the household to compensate for his absence, only to get bored and go on an Indiana Jones style adventure to rescue an artefact that could cure him. Naturally, this only makes the situation worse, ultimately seeing the family make a Fantastic Voyage into Ouka’s brain in order to destroy an invading nanomachine. I can’t deny there were some amusing moments earlier on such as Kyouka squeezing lemons and Hyouka breaking the bath taps, but the episode packed in so many changes of direction that by around the 15 minute mark I just wanted it all to be over.

Love Getchu! 11: Now that our leads have skipped ahead of basic training, the time has come to apply for a proper voice acting role- but can Momoko and the others make an impression with just the line “I’m sorry- goodbye”? Naturally, Momoko has to go through the usual angst and finding her own path route that most main characters undertake, but loses out in the end anyway because the anime’s original creator wants a different actress (if that was the case, why didn’t he say so before they held auditions?).

Nabari no Ou 20: It’s been a while, but now more Nabari has come our way, as Miharu and Yoite decide to find Oda (yes, I thought she was out of the series, but it seems the plot needed her once more) so that they can communicate with the Shinrabanshou and find out how to use it. Unfortunately, not only does the Shinrabanshou have a personality and agenda of its own, but Kairoshuu have sent the Tategamis out to eliminate Yoite. Yes, things are actually happening now, but it’s still hard to see how the series can fill up six more episodes with content.

Natsume Yuujinchou 9-10: Natsume has been pretty much alone in his ability to see spirits, and even when he meets someone else who can just about see them, he doesn’t like to admit the truth. This time around, however, Natsume finally meets someone who not only realises his secret, but who wants assistance on a particular case. This change in pace injects some variety into the series, but the ending is nonetheless fairly predictable, whilst the high point is discovering that Nyanko-sensei has become so fat that he has to go out on walks, lest his moving around at home gets mistaken for an earthquake!

Unfortunately, episode 10 has much less Nyanko-sensei, but it does provide another interesting variation as Natsume gets possessed- by the spirit of a woman! Asagi wants just one more chance to play her koto, but can Natsume help her fulfil her dream even as his friends wonder why he seems a little more girlish than before? This series could easily go to 26 episodes, so why is it ending soon?

Nogizaka Haruka no Himitsu 9: Now that Yuuto is working with Shiina to help out with the school festival, he has less time for Haruka- so naturally, she jumps at the chance to help him pick out reference material for the cosplay café their class will be putting on- even if it means breaking a promise to her father. Aside from the threat of further craziness from the father and a cliff-hanger ending that will almost certainly turn out to be a misunderstanding, this was actually a rather pleasant episode, plus I’m now in a position to appreciate the Onegai Teacher reference in the preview.

Ryoko’s Case File 9: When Ryoko disappears, poor Jun’ichiro is like a dog without a master, even going so far as to wait on Ryoko’s rival. Worse yet, the press has begun attacking Ryoko for her practice of poaching ex-police officers for the family company just when she isn’t around to defend herself. As it turns out, however, this episode is just a rather dull prelude to a longer arc that may actually prove to be more worthwhile than anything involving enlarged lizards, sentient plants and suicide-inducing bugs- although I probably shouldn’t get my hopes up.

Wellber no Monogatari ~Sisters of Wellber~ Zwei 5: Despite his general lack of personality, Galahad has managed to end up at the centre of a love triangle as both Rita and Tina develop feelings for him (you fools, you’re meant to be HARD YURI for each other!), but since he can only reciprocate the feelings of one girl, how will it all end up? Meanwhile, Greedom and Wellber’s kings have a laugh together and Sherri falls ill, necessitating an RPG style trip to find a cure.

Love triangle summarised

Tina: Broke up with Jin because she loves Galahad, tries to confess but quickly changes what she said after blurting it out so he doesn’t realise. Later tells Rita her feelings for Galahad.

Rita: Loves Galahad, but becomes unable to admit it after Tina admits her feelings. Rejects him for Tina’s sake.

Galahad: Loves Rita and ultimately confesses to her after angsting about how Jamil was his one true love last season, only to be rejected. Has no idea about Tina’s feelings for him.

World Destruction 9-10: There are two kinds of World Destruction episode- the mediocre and the forgettable. Episode nine is definitely the latter, featuring a stop at a town where humans and beastmen live in harmony, Morte angsting over past and present, and very little else (or, if there was anything else, I can no longer recall it). Episode ten is slightly more memorable, featuring a town of robots that was clearly inspired by Wall-E, but ultimately it dragged on for so long that I had to split my viewing into two halves, separated by many hours.

Xam’D- Lost Memories 8: With the help of his newfound allies, Akiyuki manages to make it to his meeting with Haru, but whilst she still believes him, Furuichi feels otherwise. Having been cast as the anti-hero, Furuichi has no qualms about turning against the friend who believes betrayed and abandoned them, but even he is just another cog in the machinations of the authorities, who are currently interested in a giant green soulstone.

Really?

MANGA

Doubt 14: After dragging it out for as long as possible, the wolf is finally revealed, but just why did they kill everyone anyway? With his life literally hanging by a thread after he gets tied to the top of the staircase, Yuu’s only chance of survival may be to understand the motives that drive the murderer, but can anyone think straight under these circumstances? Now we’ll have to wait again to see what happens next.

Elfen Lied 105: With the realisation that she is dying, the remains of Lucy/Nyu begin lashing out at everyone around, with only a small portion of her consciousness left to protect Kohta. Can Kohta fulfil his promise to kill Lucy now that she has lost control? If so, he’d better hurry up, as the series is rapidly drawing to a close.

Emma Bangaihen 11-12: In this two-part story, we take to the theatre to follow the careers of three young singers- George, Allen and Louise. I can’t recall how or even if this relates to the original Emma characters beyond them going to the theatre at one point, but as always it’s so worthy that I wish these characters had their own series.

Minami-ke 37-9: Volume two draws to a close with these chapters, which fit in a bit of the ‘Banchou’ storyline before sending the Minami sisters off to beach with Takeru and some friends. The most amusing segment, however, is an omake chapter set in Chiaki’s school in which crossed wires lead to one boy in class getting the wrong idea about how far his female classmates have gone. An old joke, perhaps, but still amusing in the right places.

Sketchbook 19-22: It’s time for more random fun with Sketchbook, complete with the introduction of a character everyone should remember from the anime- English girl Kate. It’s not all (or even mostly) about her, though- there’s still time for oddities such as a plush screwdriver, a calendar that starts on Wednesdays and other quirks that will bring a smile to your face.

Slayers Revolution 4: The manga is quick to catch up with the anime once again as it strips away the fluff and skips straight to Lina and co having been captured by Xellos and sent to Gioconda’s castle. What follows is basically the same as episode nine, although I must say it’s easier to digest in 30 page rather than 25 minute chunks.

xxxHOLiC 164: I felt as if I was reading a cookery book in this chapter as Watanuki explained how he taught his new client how to cook potatoes (wait a minute, even I can cook potatoes), but when Doumeki gives the food the all-important taste test, something seems amiss. Am I really supposed to take Doumeki’s food criticism seriously in connection with spiritual and supernatural issues? Then again, in Ryoko’s Case File, bad cooking caused explosions, so who’s to say what imperfectly prepared food can do?