Three years ago, Lightning Farron led a mission to save the world of Cocoon, and then vanished. As far as most people are concerned, she sacrificed her life in the final battle, but her sister Serah knows differently – she remembers Lightning returning alive. Now living a new life on the surface of Pulse, Serah continues to dream of Lightning, but has no idea how to go about finding her – at least until the day a boy named Noel turns up. Claiming to be from the future, Noel has a message from Lightning, one that will prompt Serah and Lightning to travel through time in an attempt to safeguard the future of Pulse and Cocoon, and bring Lightning home once again.

After the pain of Final Fantasy XIII, it might seem that only a masochist could possibly want to play a sequel, but as someone who hails from a generation conditioned to at least try everything labelled “Final Fantasy”, it was inevitable that I would have to try this one. As it turned out, FFXIII had set the bar so low that it was very easy for this game to do better.

Serah and Noel: A Journey Through Time

Unlike FFXIII, which was one massive run down a corridor, FFXIII-2 reintroduces us to that old staple of actually being able to freely explore distinct areas. From the Historia Crux, a Doctor Who-esque time vortex, Serah and Noel (the only two playable characters in the game) are able to visit various different time periods, from 3 years after the events of FFXIII to the end of humanity some 700 years in the future. Many areas are reused for different time periods or timelines, but compared to the restrictiveness of its predecessor, the chance to explore even a limited number of maps is a breath of fresh air.

As you might expect, adventures in one time period will unlock gates leading to other times, with a smattering of optional areas thrown in amongst the compulsory ones. Within each time period, subquests exist that reward you with Fragments – 160 in total. Some of these Fragments will come your way automatically as you progress with the game, but others will require some investment of time and effort. Having expected to put in the minimum of both in order to get this game out of the way, I was surprised to find I was enjoying myself enough to want to collect even the optional Fragments. And they’re not just a meaningless number, either – as you collect more and more, various useful abilities will be unlocked.

For the truly committed, there is even the option to replay various areas and trigger different endings. And, if that isn’t enough, you can also spend your hard earned monies on acquiring various DLC chapters featuring characters from FFXIII. I’ve yet to drop any cash on this, and am led to believe the DLC is of variable quality, but it’s worth knowing the option is there – along with, of course, the obligatory set of pointless alternate costumes for the main characters (including, bizarrely, Ezio’s robes from Assassin’s Creed 2).

Game Mechanics

On the surface of it, combat in FFXIII-2 is basically the same as FFXIII, using the fake real-time system of Paradigms and ATB segments in which you issue general orders to your party and watch them jump and flip about as they carry them out. Dig a little deeper, however, and you’ll see that some tweaks have been made.

For starters, even getting into battle has been altered somewhat. To explain how things work, I first have to go into some detail about Serah’s weapon. Instead of a conventional bit of kit, Serah is accompanied by Mog, a moogle who can transform into a bow for long-ranged attacks, and a sword for melee battle. Mog also has various uses in the field – not only can you use him to ferret out hidden objects and concealed treasure chests, but when an enemy is approaching, he will provide a heads-up in the form of the “Mog Clock”. The Mog Clock is basically a countdown timer that starts when an enemy appears in range – attack the enemy while it’s still green to earn a Pre-Emptive Strike, but wait until it’s red, and you’re locked into battle with no choice of running away.

The upshot of all this is that enemies are not only generally easier to avoid than they were in FFXIII (since the Mog Clock also has a range indicator that makes running away before battle commences far simpler than it ever was in FFXIII), but that you can get in far more Pre-Emptive Strikes. To compensate for this, Pre-Emptive Strikes are far less useful than they were in the original game when it comes to Staggering the enemy.

That being said, battle itself is now a lot more consistent. In the old days, normal battles were either trivially simple or incredibly long and drawn out, whilst boss battles had to be finished within a set amount of time or the game would get bored and cast Doom on you. This time around, only a handful of battles stray into frustratingly difficult territory, so that while few changes have been made to the actual battle mechanics, getting into combat is no longer painful in the way it once was.

As in FFXIII, character roles in battle are determined by Paradigms that assign them each to one of six roles, but with a key difference. As mentioned earlier, Serah and Noel are the only playable characters, so who takes up the third slot in the party? Is there even a third slot? As it turns out, there is, and in order to fill it, you’ll have to recruit monsters. Luckily, accumulating monsters in general is not difficult – although getting the exact monsters you want might be a bit trickier.

Acquiring a monster is as simple as defeating it and hoping you receive its crystal after the battle, at which point you can choose to include it in your party. Each monster specialises in one particular role (Medic, Ravager, Commando etc), and you can have up to three monsters available to switch in and out of battle at any one time. A vast array of monsters is available to gather, with skill sets and development potential ranging from limited to expansive. It’s even possible for one monster to devour another and possibly gain some of its abilities. Of course, when analysed closely, this setup is more limited than having three human characters who each have access to all rules, but it’s quite fun to have wild cats and chocobos fighting on your side nonetheless.

Veterans of FFXIII will recall that levelling up took place via the Crystarium, and yes, it’s back this time as well, albeit a little tweaked. It’s not really worth going into the specifics, but the differences make the whole system a little slicker than before, although it does take a little getting used to if you come in straight off the back of FFXIII. For monsters, however, the Crystarium works a little differently; not only is theirs necessarily more limited, but instead of using CP earned in battle to level up in the Crystarium, monsters require a steady supply of special items in order to advance. Grinding for adequate supplies of these items can be a bit tedious at times, but it’s worth it to make a kick-ass team of monsters.

If you’re the type of person who craves puzzles rather than battles, then FFXIII-2 also has something for you – although you should be careful what you wish for. For reasons that make no sense, resolving temporal paradoxes in the different time periods is achieved by solving sequences of puzzles. Three different types are available: timed ‘join the dots’ puzzles where you connect crystals to make a mini-Crystarium; clock puzzles where you have to select numbers on the clock face in the correct sequence to make them all disappear, and disappearing floor puzzles where the goal is to collect all the crystals without retracing your steps. Occasionally, these puzzles can be mildly enjoyable, but more often than not they prove to be simply tiresome – especially when Noel and Mog are heckling from the sidelines.

Story

Unfortunately, whilst FFXIII-2′s gameplay is a lot more fun than its predecessor, it can’t be said to have made any great strides when it comes to story. Time travel stories always have to be taken with a pinch of salt anyway, but FFXIII-2 doesn’t really concern itself with investing time in a deep and meaningful plot. In all honesty, it’s best to let the details wash over you; concerning yourself with such minor details as how Flan monsters can melt a crystal pillar, for example, will just cause unnecessary stress.

Similarly, the characters, whilst overall less annoying than the cast of FFXIII (even the whiny brat Hope has grown up into a respectable scientist), are pretty paper thin, to the point where it’s hard to care about them.

Audiovisual

The one thing FFXIII did well was its visuals, and since it’s using many of the same assets, FFXIII-2 is no different. True, there are new locations and costumes, and it’s all gorgeous to look at, but it’s not achieving anything beyond what we already experienced in the original game.

As far as music goes, FFXIII-2 feels even more lightweight than its predecessor, straying even further from its Final Fantasy roots. Over time, some of the tracks may actually go to you, but the random lapses into death metal (see this remix of the chocobo theme) are jarring at best and ear-bleeding at worst.

Final Thoughts

Final Fantasy XIII-2 is not a great game. There are any number of titles out there that blow it out of the water. But unlike its predecessor, it achieves that essential goal of actually being fun to play. If you haven’t touched FFXIII, you can give this one a miss, but if you’re shackled to the name of Final Fantasy, then this one will at least provide some measure of enjoyment.

For years, the alliance between the Kingdom of Carnava and the witches of the Rev Magic Association has made the world a peaceful place to live, but all that changed with the arrival of the vicious Beast Fiends. Now, Fatima the Shadow Frost Witch has betrayed her compatriots to advance some dark goal; can young knight Roland unite the remaining elemental witches and put a stop to Fatima’s nefarious plans?The indirect sequel to Luminous Arc, Luminous Arc 2 may be set in a brand new world with brand new witches, but essentially it’s more of the same – a mix of SRPG and visual novel with an average story and some nice looking witches. As before, the game is divided into chapters, each consisting of a series of battles framed by cut scenes, all leading up to one of two possible endings.

The Kingdom of Carnava

The basic layout and battle system of Luminous Arc 2 differs very little from the first game, or indeed SRPGs in general, with only a few differences worth noting. The most welcome change is that the stylus and D-pad can now be used simultaneously, which makes moving around the field and selecting a target far easier than it was in the original. In exchange for this, characters are no longer completely healed when they level up, which certainly makes this game a bit trickier than the first one.

How much does that really matter, though, given how easy the first game was? Well, the answer is that the difficulty of Luminous Arc 2 all depends on how you approach the game. Alongside the main storyline, the game also offers a number of optional quests, which vary from chapter to chapter (basically, miss an early quest, and it’s not coming back). If you keep up with the quests as the game progresses, then your characters will always be about the right level to beat the main storyline without too much difficulty, but if you neglect them, then things will become much harder at around the halfway mark. You’ll suddenly find that enemy characters are six or seven levels ahead of you, and that you can barely make a dent on them before they pulverise your party. At this point, your only choice for grinding is to endlessly repeat the 3-4 quests available to you at any one stage in the game until you finally have enough EXP to proceed. At this point, you’ll probably lose the will to play the game, so be warned and avoid this outcome by tackling all optional quests that come your way.

There are a few more hidden optional missions which are also worth going for if only for the sake of variety. The longest and most tedious of these is an extended sequence of hot springs battles against Luminous Arc 1′s Vanessa and her endless army of Kopins – small elemental creatures who can be surprisingly tough to kill. The hot springs quest has the advantage of offering plenty of EXP and the chance to see the girls in swimsuits, but other than that, it seems needlessly long and drawn out.

As far as combat itself goes, the tweaks to the battle system itself are largely minor. The overpowered Flash Drive attacks remain (and are your best bet for taking down bosses), but combo Synergy attacks have been removed. In their place, Roland has the ability to Engage with any witch on the field and gain their abilities and elemental affinities for a few turns. By the end of the game, this ability will make Roland a one-man wrecking ball.

Playable Characters

Roland: Since he’s the main character, you’ll be seeing a lot of Roland. Fortunately, not only is he the typical sword-wielding all-rounder, but he can also ‘Engage’ with the witches to gain elemental magic and powerful attacks. A worthy front-liner, despite his increasingly annoying arrogance as the game proceeds.

Rasche: Roland’s brother, Rasche is a spear wielder who makes for a good tank character early in the game, but becomes less useful later on.

Rina: As an archer, Rina’s ranged attacks are valuable in the early stages when you have many close-ranged warriors and few mages. She’ll probably be relegated to the back benches by the final chapters, but she’s definitely a good choice to have along up until then.

Althea: The fire elemental witch, Althea can learn plenty of powerful attack magic, but will quickly begin to lag behind if you don’t use her all the time. Probably my second most powerful mage for sheer attack power.

Dia: My most overpowered mage, Dia’s light magic can put paid to most enemies, whilst her Flash Drive is ridiculously strong. A definite must-have in any party.

Luna: The water witch, Luna’s main reason for being in the party at all times is that she is the best healer, with powerful HP-restoring and revival spells that will be invaluable in tough boss battles. Of course, she does have her weaknesses – her movement range is very low, and her physical defence is similarly limited.

Pop: Pop is the master of Earth/Nature attacks, and like Mavi from the first game, her magic is mostly close-ranged and no better than her physical attack. Given the limitations on party size throughout the game, I rarely rely on her.

Sadie: As a Winged One, Sadie’s high movement stat and ability to fly means that she can sneak past enemy lines, but her relatively low HP and defence means that it’s not wise to put her at risk. Her basic weapon attack has an unconventional range and low hit rate, making her a reasonable “B-lister” but not a first choice for the party.

Kaph: A perverted photographer who writes a witch fanzine, Kaph is one of the more unnecessary characters of the game. He wields a ranged “guitar bowgun”, but there’s no real reason to use him instead of Rina.

Fatima: Whip user and mistress of dark magic, Fatima does not join until late in the game since she spends most of it being an antagonist. She’s a decent all-rounder who makes a good choice for the party line-up.

Josie: Fatima’s feline familiar, Josie is a solid but not outstanding character who joins too late for it to be worth swapping one of your established favourites out for him.

Karen: A gun-wielding thief, Karen is another completely unnecessary character; if I didn’t like her design so much, I would say that she doesn’t really need to be in the game at all.

Ayano: Yet another unnecessary character, Ayano is a relatively strong ninja, but I never felt the need to rely on her.

Richter: A handsome knight who joins late in the game, Richter is yet another character who appears too late to be worth investing in.

Gaston: Another knight, Gaston, like Richter, joins so late in the game that he’ll probably end up just staying on the bench.

Alice: An optional character and apprentice witch from Luminous Arc 1, Alice has a mixture of elemental arts. Using her is a novelty, but not a necessity.

Therese: The other optional apprentice witch from the first game, Therese has a range of physical attack skills. Again, a novelty character.

Story

Although the story of the original game wasn’t anything to write home about, Luminous Arc 2 offers up something even more lacklustre. From an average start, the plot only goes downhill, shoehorning in far too many “dramatic” life-altering revelations, and then resolving them in a few lines. Mass murderers are forgiven for having good intentions, deep emotional angst disappears within moments, and overall, there’s no real incentive to care about what’s going on. The witches are mildly interesting characters, but Roland evolves from generic to irritatingly arrogant, whilst there are numerous other characters whose existence seems entirely pointless.

Audiovisual

Like its predecessor, Luminous Arc 2′s strength lies in its visuals, with plenty of eye candy to cover up for its other flaws. The musical score is very visual novel-esque, with some bland elevator music tracks balanced by a few more dramatic themes.

Final Thoughts

Despite being let down by its lacklustre story, Luminous Arc 2 is still a good looking, fun little game. Although a bit more challenging than its predecessor, it won’t pose any real problems for the SRPG aficionado, but should still provide some hours of enjoyment.

Which girl would you choose?

32-year-old Vincent Brooks is content with his life. He’s got a decent job, a steady girlfriend by the name of Katherine, and really, he’d be happy enough if things never changed. So it’s no wonder he’s uncomfortable when Katherine starts talking about getting married and raising family – but is that any excuse for a one night stand with the engimatic and beautiful Catherine? As nightmares take over his nights, and resolving his cheating ways occupy his days, can Vincent hope to find a way out of his predicament?

From Atlus, creators of the popular Shin Megami Tensei, comes Catherine, a quirky and unique game that combines elements of two different genres – the visual novel and the block puzzle. It’s an unusual marriage of styles, and yet one that provides an addictive and compelling experience.

Something a little different

A step away from the usual teenage protagonists of Japanese games, Catherine is a more grown up experience, focusing on themes of (in)fidelity and the conflict between remaining carefree and settling down. The story takes place over nine in-game days and nights, during which time Vincent must struggle through his nightmares even as he chooses between tying the knot with girlfriend Katherine or throwing it away for the free-spirited Catherine.

During the day, the game plays out like a visual novel, with Vincent finding himself ever more inextricably drawn into a tangled web that involves keeping Katherine and Catherine unaware of each other’s existence. Although this part of the game is mainly cutscenes, Vincent’s reactions are determined by decisions made elsewhere in the game that can swing him towards the Lawful outcome of staying true to Katherine, or the Chaotic one of throwing it all away to be with Catherine.

Come evening, however, you’ll have the chance to take control as Vincent hangs out with his friends in the Stray Sheep pub. As time passes, different patrons stop by the bar, and by talking to them, you can save them from falling prey to their own nightmares. You can also respond to text messages, get drunk and play a special arcade block puzzle that resembles the main game play – but more on that later. Your actions here will have an effect on how the game proceeds – for example, requesting sexy picture messages from Catherine is not a good choice if you’ve got your heart set on proposing to Katherine.

Where things really get intense, however, is during the Nightmare Stages that take place while Vincent sleeps. A punishment for unfaithful men, each Nightmare Stage is a block puzzle that involves climbing a tower as the bottom of the stage slowly falls away – tricky enough on its own, but made worse at the end of each night, when an oversized homicidal boss will also be chasing you. It takes a combination of speed, strategical thinking and trial and error to make it to the top of each tower – and even on the easiest of difficulty settings, the gameplay can prove quite challenging. It’s usually stressful, often frustrating, and yet somehow still completely addictive and fun.

Fortunately, each night is divided into a number of sub stages, with the option to save, talk to rival climbers, buy items to assist in the climb and learn climbing techniques through indirect tutorials. You also get a chance to enter a confessional and answer questions that will further affect your Law/Chaos alignment – and also get sent to the internet so you can compare your responses with other players. Of course, this is somewhat biased by people tailoring their answers to get specific endings, but it’s still an interesting little feature.

But if this isn’t enough block puzzling for you then fear not, because there’s plenty more to keep you sated. At the bar, a similar tower-climbing block puzzle game called Rapunzel is available, in which you must complete 128 different stages to rescue princess Rapunzel from her confinement. Unlike the main Nightmare Stages, there is no time limit, but there is a limit to the number of moves you can make, switching the focus from “do whatever you can as quickly as possible” to “sit back and think things through”. In fact, despite its simple graphics and retro appearance, this mini-game is potentially more deep and involved than the main game itself.

Also available are a number of other play modes outside the main game. As well as a competitive mode in which two players race to the top of the Nightmare Stages, additional challenges await in Babel Mode, a series of four levels unlockable by turning in a gold trophy level performance in the levels of the main game. The Babel levels are basically the Nightmare levels on steroids, featuring tall towers and increasingly complex and precarious block layouts that force you to use all the techniques learned in the main game. Babel mode can be attempted solo or co-operatively; the co-op version has somewhat shorter levels, so it’s not imposslble to achieve on your own with two controllers.

Unfortunately, however, the English language version of the game has a fatal glitch that it’s essentially impossible to defeat the final Babel level, Axis Mundi, on single player mode.

Story

Catherine’s story is based around a simple concept, and yet it’s one that’s executed very well. With each passing in-game day, Vincent gets more and more entangled in his situation, and while some of his excuses are pretty feeble and outlandish, you can’t help but feel for him. Meanwhile, many of the supporting characters have rich back stories of their own, inspiring you to care about them and want to save them from the nightmares. Whether or not you end up thinking that all men are cheating scum after this game, however, is probably down to your own experience.

Audiovisual

Catherine is a gorgeous visual experience, with beautiful cel-shaded graphics and plentiful anime cutscenes throughout. Even the Nightmare Stages are beautifully designed, with exceptional attention to detail even for simple blocks. The only part of the game that’s more simplistic are the Rapunzel stages, and while this is obviously intentional, it is a little disappointing given how much time you can potentially sink into that side of the game.

The background music is low-key and well-suited to the game – it’s unlikely to be anything you’d listen to on its own, but it does the job in maintaining the atmosphere. Similarly, the sound effects are all high quality, and for once, I have no complaints about the English voice acting.

Final Thoughts

Sexy and flirtatious, Catherine is a unique and addictive experience that certainly stands out from the crowd. Don’t be put off by all the tales of how hard it is – if you’re up for a bit of a challenge, this game is more than willing to provide ample reward.

The citizens of the floating world Cocoon live an idyllic life, sheltered from harm by the mighty beings known as Fal’Cie. But the hostile surface world of Pulse has Fal’Cie of its own, and they are not averse to invading Cocoon and binding unsuspecting citizens to their will. Marked by the Pulse, an eclectic group of strangers are thrown together on a quest that will decide the fate of both worlds, and threaten all that they hold dear.

There was a time when Final Fantasy was a franchise that made you sit up and take notice. Each new entry in series was an epic journey in its own right, a hotly anticipated guarantee of tens if not hundreds of hours of satisfaction. But over time, the cracks began to show. Endless FFVII spin-offs of variable quality appeared left, right and centre. Final Fantaxy X-2 was a door opener for the cheap cash-in sequels, and by the time Final Fantasy XII finally appeared on the market, no one really cared any more. But FFXIII was to be the first time the franchise made the jump to the PS3 – surely it couldn’t be all bad?

Unfortunately, while FFXIII certainly looks gorgeous, there’s little else to recommend it. A game now infamously likened to running down a long, endless corridor, FFXIII pretty much takes everything that makes RPGs in general and previous FF games in particular fun to play, and throws it away. In its place, you’re left with a painfully linear experience, filled with tedious battles, uninspiring characters and a story so poorly executed you’ll cease to care about it moments after the game begins.

A long and winding road

Remember the days when the worlds of Final Fantasy games were vast and expansive, filled with secrets and hidden areas just waiting to be ferreted out by the dedicated player? Yes, those were the good old days, with special emphasis on the old – because things just aren’t like that any more. Final Fantasy XIII is the epitome of linearity, less a game and more a 50 hour run through a long and winding corridor. There are no towns (supposedly too difficult to code), no side roads, no free roaming – just one long straight path punctuated by overly frequent cut scenes. Shopping is relegated to save points, whilst NPC interaction only occurs when you overhear them speaking as you run past. You go where the game wants you to go and nowhere else. Free will is an illusion.

Battle like a boss…your work boss

Along the way, of course, you’ll encounter monsters too, but don’t expect battle to be any less painful than exploration. You know how, in the workplace, your manager tells you to do something, and then you go and do it? The battle system in FFXIII is a lot like that – you issue general directives to your party, and then you can basically go off and do something else whilst they get on with the specifics.

To be more specific, FFXIII uses its own take on the ATB system, one seemingly designed to be neither true turn-based or true real-time. In battle, you control one of your 2-3 party members (the choice of who this is is not left to you until quite late in the game), with the computer taking command of the others. Each character has a number of different roles they can take, roughly corresponding to warrior (Commando), mage (Ravager), healer (Medic), status buffer (Synergist), status debuffer (Saboteur) and damage magnet (Sentinel)– eventually, all characters can learn all of these roles, but they all have innate roles that are easier for them to learn. Every role confers a number of abilities on a character, and the combination of roles assigned to your party is known, in the language of the game, as a Paradigm. At any one time, you can have up to six Paradigms available to your party, corresponding to various combinations of your choice, such as an all-out attack Paradigm, a balanced offensive and defensive Paradigm, two attackers plus a healer, and so forth.

So, roles decided, you’re ready to fight – but here’s where the dullness really kicks in. Each character has an ATB gauge made up of 2-5 segments (the exact number depends on how far you are through the game). Individual commands take up 1-3 segments; you pick a sequence of commands of the appropriate cost, and when the ATB bar has filled, those commands will be executed. For even less interaction with the game, select the ‘Auto Battle’ command to let the computer pick the best combination of commands – this is actually less painful than trying to navigate through menus choosing commands yourself. The net result is the same, however; your characters jump and flip around and it all looks very fast-paced and exciting to the outside observer, but all you’re doing is pressing X every few seconds with the occasional change of Paradigm to break the monotony.

Worse yet, battle isn’t even a quick affair. Instead, there are two difficulty levels – trivially easy, or drawn out and tedious, with the latter applying to regular enemies as much as bosses. The key to dealing big damage in FFXIII is to ‘Stagger’ the enemy by building up a chain of continuous attacks against them; once Staggered, an enemy is much more vulnerable to attack and easier to take down, but often times the average party will be overwhelmed before they can manage to pull off this feat. And if you’re not Staggering the enemy quickly enough, you’ll spend forever performing attacks that do little to no damage. It is possible to Stagger the enemy almost instantly by sneaking up on them for a Pre-Emptive strike, but this can be quite hard to achieve.

If, like me, you tend to defeat bosses through a war of attrition than brute force, then there’s yet another unpleasant surprise for you – even if you’re slowly chipping away at the boss’s health with a sound healing strategy for your party, if you take too long, the boss will cast Doom on you, and you’ll have to either step up the pace or die. In other words, the game doesn’t even want you to defeat bosses in your own way – if it thinks you’re taking too long, then you’ll get a very unpleasant reminder to hurry it up.

Worst of all for timed battles, however, are those in which the main characters acquire their summon monsters, Eidolons. In this battle, you have Doom cast on you from the start, and if you can’t build up a decent chain of attacks on the Eidolon before the timer runs out, then it’s game over. There’s not much leeway here, either – the right Paradigm (and only the right Paradigm) can make most Eidolon battles straightforward, but try to use your own strategy, and you’ll most likely just die before you can make a dent in your opponent’s defences.

Once you manage to subdue an Eidolon, however, they do become powerful allies who can be summoned through the use of battle-assisting skills called Techniques. In battle, the party leader has a limited number of Technique Points that can be used on a limited selection of special skills – non-elemental damage, resurrecting a fallen ally, or summoning an Eidolon, the latter of which can only be done a maximum of once per battle. Once the Eidolon is called, they’ll replace your AI-controlled party members for a limited time to attack the enemy alongside the party leader. You can also put them into ‘Gestalt Mode’, at which point they transform into a vehicle for your party leader to ride. If the enemy is Staggered, Eidolon attacks and Gestalt Mode will do massive damage whilst keeping you safe from harm, but bring them in whilst the enemy’s defence is still high, and the whole exercise will just be a waste of time.

So, if battle is so tedious, is there any flip side to the situation? Fortunately, given how often you’re likely to die in combat, Game Over isn’t a true game over that forces you to reload an old save, but rather just a menu that lets you restart from just before the point where you entered the battle – so you can either put together some new Paradigms to help you out, or just run away altogether. It is also possible to apply a number of aerosol sprays in the field that will either strengthen your party pre-battle, or let you slip past the enemy incognito. This can hardly make up for the general tediousness of the battle system, however.

Aftermath

When combat is finally over and the dust settles, what exactly do you gain? Well, not gil, for one thing – that has to be obtained from treasure chests or selling goods. What you do is get is a pointless score, a slightly less pointless star rating (the latter can actually affect the spoils), items and Crystarium Points (CP), the game’s equivalent of EXP.

There is no conventional levelling up in FFXIII – instead characters proceed along a fixed route in their Crystarium, using up CP to master nodes that either increase their stats or give them new abilities for their roles. It’s basically a more restrictive version of the Sphere Grid from FFX, but even so, the very act of holding down the X button and watching a white line proceed from one crystal to the next is the most fun part of this game.

The spoils of war, meanwhile, can be poured into weapons to upgrade them, with various monster parts all adding EXP to a given weapon or item. This rather tedious process slowly strengthens your weapon to a point where it can be transformed into a new one, but it does make buying new weapons somewhat pointless, since they all start at Level 1 and will usually be much weaker than the weapon you’ve been working on since the start of the game.

Story, or lack thereof

Unfortunately, all FFXIII’s many gameplay faults are matched by an equally lacklustre and generally nonsensical story. Although cutscenes are annoyingly frequent, the story manages to spend all of them saying not much at all, with all of it dressed in needless terminology that you can only fully understand by reading the in-game Datalog. Those who understandably didn’t buy a game to read an in-game encyclopaedia about its world will instead have to struggle on through endless cutscenes about l’Cie, Fal’Cie and various named characters pontificating about the meaning of free will and so forth. At best, it’s extremely tedious, but at worst, it’s an incoherent mess that defies rational explanation.

As for the characters, as a whole, they are as underdeveloped as the story. While on a personal level, I like Lightning a lot just for the air of awesomeness she projects, I have to admit that all the characters of FFXIII are shallow, underdeveloped and often downright annoying. By the time you’ve spent several hours in the company of Hope as he whines about how much he hates everything and how it’s all everyone else’s fault, or put up with Snow’s irritating combination of egotism and stupidity, you’ll be hoping that they’ll all turn to crystal sooner rather than later.

Audiovisual

If story and gameplay are so bad, where exactly did all the effort that went into making FFXIII go? The answer, of course, is in the looks – for all its flaws in terms of actual playability, the game does at least look gorgeous, although this is small comfort when working your way through it is so tedious. No expense has been spared in making character models, locations and effects look good, which is probably why everything else has to be so limited.

As far as music goes, the complete lack of Nobuo Uematsu sees FFXIII stray far from the fold of the usual FF style, with even the prelude music and victory fanfare absent – only the chocobo theme remains, and even that has been given lyrics. Although the music is by no means bad, with some tracks such as the battle theme even being quite catchy, it all conspires to make FFXIII feel even less like a Final Fantasy game than it already does.

Final Thoughts

Final Fantasy XIII is not a game that wants to let you play it the way you want to play it. It is a game that has determined that the human element is the most unpredictable aspect of gaming, and has thus concluded that the best thing to do is to minimise player participation as much as possible. You don’t go where you want to go, you run along a preset corridor that never allows for more than the tiniest ounce of exploration. You don’t fight the way you want to fight – you figure out which Paradigm will get you through the battle before the opponent casts Doom on you, and you let the characters take care of the specifics.

The battle between Cosmos, the goddess of good, and Chaos, the demon of evil, rages ever on, but this time, the battlefield is somewhat different. To shine in the darkness, the crystals of the FF worlds need the power of rhythm – can the heroes of Final Fantasy fight this new, musical battle?

With 2012 being the 25^th anniversary of the birth of the Final Fantasy franchise, it was for certain that Square-Enix would be doing something special to mark the event. Even so, their choice of celebration initially seemed a little odd – was the best way to commemorate the endless trundling of their mighty cash cow to release, of all things, a rhythm game?

As it turns out, this seemingly odd choice is actually a very shrewd marketing ploy, because as you play it, those familiar tunes overwhelm you with nostalgia and positivity for the FF series. Not only do you suddenly want to replay all those old classics, but you find yourself thinking new, unfamiliar thoughts, such as “you know what, maybe FFXIII wasn’t that bad after all”. It’s truly a stroke of genius on Square-Enix’s part, but given how fun and addictive this game is, we can forgive them their tactical ploys.

Feel the rhythm

Introduced by way of its paper thin story, Theatrhythm thrusts you into a world of FF music, stretching all the way from the 8-bit days (and it is indeed the original 8-bit versions of tracks) to the more modern anthems. There are three different types of level, all requiring you to tap, hold and swipe the stylus to the music, but each with their own unique style.

Field Music Stage (FMS): As the music plays, your character walks through a field map – do well and they start running (or even summon a chocobo), do badly and they fall over. Progress far enough over the course of the stage and you’ll be rewarded with an item. FMS takes a little getting used to, but ultimately it proves to be the easiest of the three modes, although still a lot of fun.

Battle Music Stage (BMS): Your party of four faces a succession of enemies, dealing damage as you hit triggers and taking damage when you miss them. Battle music can be a pretty intense experience at the harder difficulty levels, with some insanely fast combos that can wipe you out in seconds. It is also possible to call summon monsters in BMS to deal additional damage.

Event Music Stage (EMS): Perhaps the most pointless set of stages, EMS is basically a level set against the backdrop of some FMV or in-game footage (depending on whether the game’s original release had FMV sequences). You tap along as the cursor moves about the screen with something of an oddness in timing, affecting nothing in the stage itself except whether you get to play the extended version or not. EMS, although not as difficult to finish as BMS in the harder difficulty levels, is nonetheless the hardest to get a good score on.

Every time you clear a stage, the game rewards you with Rhythmia, the so-called power of rhythm needed to restore balance to the crystals. Rhythmia can’t be spent; like a points score they just endless accumulate, but for every 500 you earn, something new gets unlocked. This can be anything from movies and music to be watched and listened to outside of gameplay to items, new songs to play and special Crystal Shards needed to unlock more playable characters.

With these different stages as the building blocks, Theatrhythm is divided into three different gameplay modes, with three difficulty levels. Only Basic is available at first, but do well enough and you’ll unlock the more challenging Expert and the insane Ultimate.

Series Mode: The ‘meat and potatoes’ of the game, Series Mode lets you choose your favourite out of the 13 main FF games and play through five consecutive tracks – an optional Prologue and Epilogue in which you tap in time to notes hitting a crystal to accumulate more Rhythmia, and one stage each of EMS, FMS and BMS. The prologue and epilogue sections are quite dull (especially given that most of the prologue tracks are just versions of Prelude, the well-known FF opening theme), but in your quest to accumulate as much Rhythmia as possible, you find yourself unwilling to skip them.

Challenge Mode: As you might expect, Challenge Mode lets you play any individual EMS, BMS or FMS song. All songs from Series Mode will eventually become available, as will extra unlockable BMS and FMS songs gained either from accumulating Rhythmia or purchasing DLC.

Dark Notes: A section of the game that ranges from challenging to fiendishly difficult, each Dark Note consists of an FMS immediately followed by a BMS. How well you do on the FMS determines which of three bosses you face in the BMS, with each boss dropping different items. Your first Dark Note is awarded after you’ve played enough of the main game; from then on, you earn more either by completing the Dark Notes you already have, or by getting them via Streetpass from other Theatrhythm players. Dark Notes are randomly generated from all songs available in the main game, including a few that can’t be played in the other modes, and you can have up to 99 different Dark Notes at any one time. The best use of Dark Notes is for the collection of the Crystal Shards needed to unlock new characters, since the bosses you face drop them quite frequently.

Those FF touches

You might think that playing FF songs as FF characters (and, in the case of BMS, fighting FF enemies) would be enough to seal this game’s identity, but even so, Square-Enix have packed in many more little details from their juggernaut franchise. And it’s not just the frequent appearances of moogles, chocobos and summoned monsters – they’ve gone out of their way to give this rhythm game a pseudo-RPG feel.

It may be surprising at first to discover that all your characters still have stats and levels as if they were in a real RPG, but after a while, it all begins to make sense. Your HP now corresponds to how many mistakes you can make before you fail a stage, Strength and Magic determines how quickly your attacks defeat enemies in BMS, and a higher Agility means that your character will progress more quickly through an FMS, thus being more likely to reach the end and pick up an item. Each successfully completed level earns EXP for your characters, and as you might expect, earning EXP will let your characters level up and become stronger.

Characters also learn skills as they level up, which can then be equipped for use in stages. Proactive skills usually confer some sort of protection or advantage on the party throughout the level, such as stat bonuses or health regeneration, whilst reactive skills are usually attack based, and useful for dealing additional damage in BMS.

Even items have their place in Theatrhythm; ranging from simple curative items such as Potions and Phoenix Downs, to more specialised objects that enable you to call a faster chocobo or a specific summoned monster. Scrolls can also be equipped to teach your characters new abilities, allowing you to eventually kit out your favourite characters pretty much as you like.

All in all, though, is this array of things to acquire and unlock enough to invest some real replay value into the game? Well, the answer is yes, because in general, playing this game is simply great fun. It’s a rhythm game, and it’s the Final Fantasy music that fans of the series have come to know and love; even without all the extra bells and whistles, it would be satisfying to play, but with them, you feel this urge to have just one more go on a level you might otherwise have considered over and done with.

Audiovisual

Theatrhythm has its own unique visual style, where everything from our heroes to Safer Sephiroth is cute and chibi-fied. It takes a little getting used to, but over time it does actually grow on you and begin to seem quite appealing.

Of course, looks aside, the one thing Theatrhythm is proposing to be all about is the music, and it certainly has a vast library of that to choose from. Although the selection of tracks is not the one I would have chosen if let loose in the FF archives, there is plenty of good stuff there, and, like the visuals, the less appealing tracks do grow on you over time. And if the selection on offer still fails to satisfy even after you’ve unlocked all the extra tracks, you can always sink dizzying sums of money into downloading the available DLC tracks.

Final Thoughts

Despite my pre-release scepticism, Theatrhythm has more than proven its worth by being an entirely fun and addictive experience. Not only a worthy game in its own right, but one that makes you nostalgic for the entire FF series, it has certainly proven to be a worthy way of celebrating Final Fantasy’s 25^th anniversary.

When a previously unremarkable prisoner stages a dramatic escape with the help of alchemy, the Elric brothers are at the forefront of the action. Following up on this lea, the brothers are dispatched to the border town of Table City, where the native Milosians live in poverty, stuck between the powers of Amestris and Creta. With tensions high between all sides, can the Elric brothers hope to untangle a dangerous mystery relating to the past of both the town and its people?

In the preceding paragraph, I have attempted to succinctly summarise the plot of the second FMA movie, but I have to admit that I have met with limited success – if only because the writers themselves didn’t seem to be working to any coherent plan. Instead, the story tries to throw in as many conflicting factions as possible, such that by the time Ed and Al even reach Table Town, they’ve already encountered the aforementioned escaped prisoner, a wolf chimera and a rebel faction who glide around on special bat-wing suits. At this point, you could be forgiven for already being somewhat confused as to the overarching plot of the movie, but unfortunately, things get little better. In fact, by the time the film has thrown its full barrage of twists, turns and Flashback Modes at you, you’ll be struggling to remember what everyone’s motivation is, let alone why you should care.

Perhaps the most enduring imagery the film will leave you with, however, is that of the subtitle of this review – blood and lava – both of which appear in the movie in unbelievably copious quantities. As Ed and Al eventually discover, the villain’s ultimate master plan of evil relies on creating a massive 3D transmutation circle out of the flowing blood of sacrifices, and to that end, an unsuspecting minor character is stabbed to death. Now of course, the villain knows that the blood of one person isn’t going to be enough to fill a city-wide transmutation circle, but as it turns out, the blood of two people is plenty. From these two unfortunate victims (one of whom is able to somehow briefly get up again several minutes later), a veritable torrent of blood is produced, cascading through the pipes that make the transmutation circle in ridiculous quantities. Now of course I’m not suggesting that we should have sat and watched a ten minute sequence in which the villain ritualistically butchers a few hundred people, but even so, some things are too ridiculous not to be commented upon.

So that’s the blood, but where does the lava fit in? Well, towards the end of the movie, in true 2012 fashion, lava starts spewing everywhere and it’s up to our heroes to put a stop to it before everything and everyone they’ve fought to save is caught in its path. What this means is that whilst the villain of the moment pontificates and the heroes fight back, lava is gushing everywhere, and apparently the only way to stop it is to plug the source. Good advice, perhaps, except that the source appears to be an entire wall of molten rock. Never mind, though, somehow blocking a few spots with rock that doesn’t magically melt will do the trick. It looks a lot like trying to save a crumbling wall by throwing a few bricks at it, but this being anime, it does the trick. Oh, what the hell, I’ll stop trying to painfully explain it in words – here’s some imagery.

Strangely enough, given the usual lavishness of film budgets, the animation quality of this movie leaves something to be desired. So much time and effort seems to have been spent on detailing the scenery and backgrounds that hardly anything is left for the characters themselves. Perhaps seeing the film on the big screen simply exacerbated the problem, but Ed in particular seemed less sharply detailed than usual, whilst many of the action scenes took fluidity to the point of comical and lazily drawn. In contrast, the background music is at least of a high standard.

Final Thoughts

So, for all its flaws, is the film worth watching? Well, like most movies based on long-running series, it’s an average outing, the typical standalone story of familiar heroes versus a one shot villain, but unfortunately packed with a few too many twists, turns and ridiculous amounts of liquid substances. It might be fun for a single viewing, but unlike the FMA TV series, it’s not something you’re going to want to come back to again and again.

Tier: Bronze-

Yosuke’s Courage is finally up to the level where he can initiate a confession.

(“Could it be? Surely not!”)

“I’m HARD GAY for you!”

“…and I can’t help feeling you must feel the same way too!”

“You have so many good qualities…”

“…that I just can’t help liking you!”

“I knew I had to confess today!”

“I couldn’t let things go on, with my feelings buried beneath the surface!”

“…will you have HARD GAY with me?”

“…take me now!”

“Man, that was intense!”

“But we can’t have a proper relationship unless I do you as well!”

“If you don’t want to be in a relationship with me, all I’ll have left is Hyper Self Pleasure!”

“Come on then, give me HARD GAY!”

“Wow, you’re good at this, Yosuke!”

Another happy relationship begins.

Who can resist that invitation?

Adachi learns the intimate details of Pleasure.

(written March 30th)

This week, the pressure of juggling work, PhD, online courses and learning all of maths causes Karura’s writing ability to reach new lows. Forgive me for the poor quality of this post.

Reviewed this week: Ano Natsu 12, Another 12, Aquarion Evol 13, HxH 24, Mirai Nikki 23, Mouretsu 12, Natsume Yuujinchou 12-13, Symphogear 12

*COMPLETE* Ano Natsu de Matteru 12

Whilst their friends try to draw off the alien pods, Ichika and Kaitou head off to find the place in her memories, the one piece of proof that aliens have been here before. At stake is Ichika’s continued presence on Earth, so everyone’s fighting their hardest – but will it be enough? I have to admit I haven’t rated this series as highly as others overall, but it certainly has had its share of great moments, and this episode is no exception. A well crafted ending that is emotional without being melodramatic, Ano Natsu certainly goes out on a high note.

You think?

“Killing each other is just silly!”

“If it turns out the global economy doesn’t improve after I kill Misaki, then I can probably include that she wasn’t the cause.”

“I don’t see why you have such a problem with me killing someone!”

Now is probably not the time to be making phonecalls.

“Pleasure in the middle of a fire is never recommended.”

Kids, check anyone suspicious at your school…and kill them.

“…but hey, that’s a risk we have to take.”

“You know the whole stabby stab thing, well it was nothing much really.”

“Maybe I could have saved a lot of lives and ended the series sooner, but it hardly seemed worth the effort.”

*COMPLETE* Another 12

It’s stabbity stab stab as the remaining classmates go around hacking each other up, but who exactly is the dead person? Well, I’m not going to give the game away here, but quite frankly the best part of this episode was the unintentional hilarity, which I have showcased in this short parody. There was no question of ever taking it seriously at this point.

Kagura prepares to become the frontman in a new series of Febreze ads.

He still needs to work on his chat up lines.

Aquarion Evol 13

It’s the halfway point of the series, and that means DRAMATIC THINGS are set to happen, as Kagura’s attack on the school requires the intervention of not one but two Aquarions, and Jin must decide where his loyalties truly lie. It’s at times like this that Aquarion scales the dizzy heights it’s capable of, complete with grandiose robot attacks, superb music and enough cheddar to take a prize in the World Cheese Awards (which do exist, incidentally). More of the same, please.

Hunter X Hunter 24

The episode begins with a Flashback Mode explaining Killua and Canary’s friendship (or rather, enforced lack of it) before flashing forward to the present day, where Gon, Kurapica and Leorio are still on the way to rescue their friend from his rather ‘special’ family. Killua’s mother is as nnoying as she ever was, but luckily this part of the story is drawing to a close, so we’ll be getting on with the good stuff soon.

Mirai Nikki 23

Speaking of stabbity stab, Yuno and Yukiteru are now basically alone in the world – but that’s fine with Yuno, since it means she gets her Yuki-kun all to her herself. But there are yet more truths about her to be revealed, and if Yukiteru discovers them, it could be hazardous to his health. I’m glad that my instinctual feeling that Yuno’s backstory was the meatiest part of the series has been proven correct, but with three episodes left, there’s clearly more to come. I look forward to seeing the last few cards that this series has to play.

Mouretsu Pirates 12

We finally get to explore the golden ghost ship as Marika and Gruyère head into its depths, only to find animals and even a newborn baby in stasis. I’m sure other things happen to fill up the 25 minute span, but I wasn’t paying attention. Incidentally, I bought Gruyère cheese recently for some reason and now I can’t remember what I was going to use it for.

*COMPLETE* Natsume Yuujinchou Shi 12-13

The final arc of the season *sob* concludes with these two episodes, as Natsume heads back to see the house he lived in with his dad all those years ago. Before he can go there, though, he has to pick up the key from one of the families that took him in, a place full of sad memories of how their daughter resented him, and also inhabited by a malevolent youkai. Spanning both past and present, these episodes tug on all the heartstrings, and only the most hardened person couldn’t want to give shota Natsume a hug and tell him that things will get better. Season five now, please.

Symphogear 12

Things look bad for all concerned when Hibiki loses it and turns into a Heartless – is it time for the power of friendship to step in and save her from the brink? You’d better hope so, because only a main character can defeat Fine’s phallic tower and save the moon. What logic there ever was is long out of the window by this point, but it’s still highly entertaining.

So the other day, Kotaku posted an article giving FF fans a ready made list of why their chosen FF is the best, and I couldn’t help thinking to myself, “I haven’t mindlessly copied enough people lately, why don’t I do that too?” Only, as an extra twist, I will not only give arguments as to why each of the main sequence FFs is the best, I will also explain why that game is also undoubtedly the worst.

Final Fantasy

Why it’s the best: Without the original Final Fantasy, this franchise wouldn’t even exist! As the ancestor of all FF games, good or bad, doesn’t it therefore deserve its respect? Also, no one can accuse it of being overcomplicated, so shouldn’t we credit it with an elegant simplicity that doesn’t overcomplicate matters. Also, the PSP remake has really cute graphics.

Why it’s the worst: Have you seen how simple the game is? I mean, you’re just four generic guys who wander into a castle, the King asks if you’re the Warriors of Light, and that’s it, you’re off on some generic destined quest that lasts ten hours at best! Of course you can extend the gameplay time with some optional dungeons, but do you really want to get kicked out each time you defeat a boss at the bottom of the dungeon, and have to fight your way back down three more times to defeat the remaining bosses? Whose idea of fun is that exactly?

Final Fantasy II

Why it’s the best: It dared to be different, with some new game mechanics. No more plain experience points for standing around, now it was all about practice, practice, practice if you wanted to improve those skills. Also, it introduced chocobos, and who doesn’t love chocobos? (If you answered yes to that question, leave at once. We cannot be friends).

Why it’s the worst: It tried to be different, with some new game mechanics. People soon realised how to game the system by attacking their own party members.

Final Fantasy III

Why it’s the best: It provided the template for the job system in all future Final Fantasy games. No longer was it just about brawny warriors and robed mages; now dragoons, geomancers, bards (spoony or otherwise) and summoners joined the ranks of Final Fantasy occupations, and would remain there for many years to come. Not to mention the immortalisation of the “Onion Knight”.

Why it’s the worst: There are no save points in dungeons! When you add this to the generally higher difficulty of old school NES games, then you can quite often find yourself screwed. Take for example the ending of the game, where you fight your way through a dungeon, battle a boss, and then immediately get sent to the world beyond to face Cloud of Darkness with nary a chance to rest, recuperate and save your game. If you get game over in the final boss battle, that’s two or more hours of gameplay, nay, of your life, gone forever!

Final Fantasy IV

Why it’s the best: With a more epic story than anything that had come before, FFIV represented a new dedication to plot that would resonate down through the series for years to come. Here were complex and memorable characters struggling with the fine line between good and evil, hand in hand with legendary moments of humour such as “You spoony bard!”. Here was a journey that was about more than just rushing from crystal to crystal (although crystals were still important), an immersive experience that went beyond the simple stories of its predecessors.

Why it’s the worst: That being said, there’s a few too many cop outs later on in the game. After so many dramatic moments of characters apparently dying or turning to stone, by the end most of them were saved by some contrivance or another. Oh, and don’t worry that all the crystals have been lost, because if you go to the previously unmentioned World of Darkness, you’ll find a whole new set!

Final Fantasy V

Why it’s the best: It may be about yet more crystals and such, but FFV definitely has a sense of humour. Here we have characters who aren’t always brooding and moody, but instead aren’t afraid to rib each other – and what characters at that! How many other games have an awesome pirate trap like Faris? And this is all before mentioning the extra spin FFV puts on the job system, allowing you to carry over commands learned from another job into your current one for greater flexibility.

Why it’s the worst: Sandwiched between two epics like IV and VI, FFV just feels little tedious and lacklustre, a bit of a slog, if you will. There’s nothing there to keep you glued to the screen, and it’s all too easy to get distracted from the game, which probably explains why I’ve repeatedly had to keep restarting it on different platforms over the years.

Final Fantasy VI

Why it’s the best: FF6 finally threw out the tired old “search for the magical crystals and then watch as they shatter/get stolen” model in favour of a completely different story with a proper ensemble cast. Who can forget the struggles of our heroes against the insane clown Kefka, not to mention their own inner conflicts? Then there was the battle system, that let characters keep their individuality with unique job commands, but also let them eventually learn all types of magic by equipping the right Espers.

Why it’s the worst: Well, apart from the fact that parts of the game were broken (although this was advantageous to the player since it meant the Blind status effect was essentially worthless), why did the developers think it was a good idea to introduce extra challenge with an area like the Fanatic’s Tower? Having built up your awesome, ultimate team, how annoying to only be able to use magic (Gau and Umaro excepted)! I will never forget the pain of that dungeon.

Final Fantasy VII

Why it’s the best: How many of us started our Final Fantasy experience with FFVII on the Playstation? I know I did, and it was an eye opener into the wonderful world of JRPGs. Here is a game that’s dripping with nostalgia and iconic images, from Cloud’s oversized swords to *that* moment when Sephiroth plunged his sword into Aeris and the white materia poignantly dropped to the ground. Not to mention the fact that it has Red XIII, who is one of the best RPG characters ever.

Why it’s the worst: Because the damn fanboys won’t shut up about it! I mean, the game couldn’t help its piss-poor localisation, but even if you take that out of the equation, look at it, people! There are square blocky characters, tedious mini-games and the main character is so ashamed of his loser past that he ends up taking on the memories of his best friend! Also, Square-Enix have turned the damn game into an entire franchise! We had to sit through the plotless mess that was Advent Children!

Final Fantasy VIII

Why it’s the best: Spanning a whopping four discs, FFVIII was all about packing as much content as possible into a game, including the very first Final Fantasy card game and a whole raft of quests that you might not even realise existed the first time around (like the invisible monkey). And after the lunky super deformed moments in FFVII, FFVIII took graphical presentation a lot more seriously right from its stunning opening movie. Plus it brought gunblades to the franchise, and despite the fact that the laws of physics are against them, they are cool fantasy weapons.

Why it’s the worst: I mean seriously, the only thing your characters can do on their own without junctioning a GF is attack? They’re too stupid to even use items without a summon monster in their head telling them how to do it? And what’s with the endlessly having to draw and stock magic from monsters? Not that you should ever use that magic, no, you should store it up and use it to enhance the stats of your six identikit characters, who differ only in their physical appearance and limit break attacks.

Final Fantasy IX

Why it’s the best: Final Fantasy IX summarises what Final Fantasy is all about. Awash with nostalgic nods to previous games, FFIX moves away from the sci-fi settings of the previous few titles to return to pure fantasy (aka advanced technology made of wood), all packaged up nicely into an attractive new world. Better still, after the moodiness of Cloud and Squall, Zidane’s upbeat attitude is a refreshing change, whilst the remainder of the cast manage to capture the full spectrum of emotions.

Why it’s the worst: The pacing of battles is much, much slower than that of the previous two titles, and it really shows. A lot of the time you’ll just be sitting around waiting for ATB gauges to fill rather than doing anything.

Final Fantasy X

Why it’s the best: As well as taking the graphics to the next level as the series moved to the PS2, FFX really hit the nail on the head as far as the battle system was concerned. Gone were unwieldy time bars; the new CTB system let you swap characters in and out of battle and even see the upcoming turn order so you could plan ahead. Together with a sphere grid that could either be straightforward or complex enough to allow advanced customisation, FFX never stopped being fun, and it even let you break the fabled 9999HP barrier.

Why it’s the worst: Putting aside how annoyingly immature Tidus can be, FFX was a bit too full of itself when it came to minigames. The chocobo race section was beyond painful, but even that paled in comparison to the need to dodge 200 consecutive lightning strikes to earn a powerup for Lulu. Then there was the near endless list of super-powered boss monsters who required days and days of grinding before you could even hope to last a turn against them. Not to mention one of the most painful boss battles ever in the form of Seymour Flux.

Final Fantasy XI

Next!

Final Fantasy XII

Why it’s the best: The game is set an expansive world filled with massive and immersive areas that make you feel like you’re actually there. Plus the game has plenty of cute girls, including one with bunny ears.

Why it’s the worst: The attempt at a brand new real-time type battle system was a bad decision on Square-Enix’s part. In the old days, you selected Attack once your turn was up, and your character did an attack, end of story. Now you select attack and your character is connected to the enemy by a blue line which indicates that they eventually will attack. It’s real time with all the waiting of turn based and none of the fun of either.

Final Fantasy XIII

Why it’s the best: No expense has been spared in the presentation and aesthetics of the game. The girls are hot, Lightning is awesome (especially when she’s riding Odin’s horse) and Sazh has a chocobo chick that lives in his hair.

Why it’s the worst: The linearity of this game is beyond belief; in fact, it’s equivalent to running down a corridor for two days straight. Not to mention the fact that battle system leaves you feeling even more disconnected from the action than FFXII did. Sure, your characters may be flipping and jumping all over the place, but all you’re doing is selecting Auto-Battle every turn (or spending far too much time selecting individual moves before deciding Auto-Battle is less painful). All you do is direct the action by doing Paradigm Shifts; it’s the gaming equivalent of being the characters’ line manager. Also, Hope is really, really annoying.