Many people love Gantz. They praise it with adjectives such as ‘awesome’ and ‘pure w1n’, and can never be said to be slow to defend its perceived greatness. Unfortunately, I never really appreciated the appeal of the series, and so what better pastime than to rile the fanboys introduce an opposing point of view? Please note, however, that I’m only talking about the Gantz anime; I have yet to read the manga, although I may do so in the future.

Gantz tells the tale of Kei Kurono, one of the few main characters to die at the beginning of a series when he and an old friend are hit by a train whilst attempting to help a hobo off the tracks. Fortunately for the long term prospects of the series, they (among others) are revived by a mysterious black ball known only as Gantz, and instructed to defeat a particular type of alien if they wish to survive. From then on, their lives follow a pattern of periodically facing up to deadly aliens in exchange for being allowed to return to their normal lives in between- although turnover rate is high, and not everyone makes it out of a mission alive.

Even though this is a rant, let’s start off by addressing the good points, of which even I was able to find a few. At its core, the series can be said to be an examination of the ugliness that lurks within the human psyche, and in that sense, it performs admirably, pointing out everything from the wanton cruelty that some freely choose and others are forced into, to the basic selfishness and unwillingness to interfere that most of us can be accused of. It is perhaps a little too large a dose of it to take, but it still provides something to think about if you are so inclined.

Unfortunately, any message the series may have to impart is overshadowed by various other factors, the first of these being the notoriously high volume of gratuitous sex and violence. Some will surely find this titillating, others will argue that this rams the message home more clearly, but for me, it just seemed (as I have said before) as little more than an adolescent boy’s wet dream, filled with big breasts, big guns and RAGING HARD-ONs. Subtlety, a somewhat underrated virtue, was not to be seen here, and whilst I’m not one to run and hide at the first sign of blood or nipples, you have to question the inclusion of a dog that enjoys licking the crotch of a naked girl.

Off-putting as all this may sound, it was something I could have just about lived with, if not for the series’ other main flaw- its painfully slow pacing. In an attempt not to run out of what manga material was available at the time, the anime was forced to take each arc at a measured pace, to the extent that it became a little too tiresome for its own good. Each time an alien was defeated, there was an almost certainty that it would prove to be just one of a wave of enemies, each designed to stretch the current arc out as much as possible. You may have already tired of that particular storyline, but that’s not going to stop the series from giving you three or four more episodes of it.

The fact that the manga remains unfinished also gives the anime another obvious problem- it remains unable to answer many of the driving questions behind the series. Who exactly is Gantz, and what is its ultimate purpose? How does it choose who to resurrect, and what are the aliens they are fighting? To be fair, I knew that these questions would not be answered in the anime and so I don’t count it against the series that they were not addressed, but even so I am still curious about the answers.

As well as answers, something else that the series fails to provide is basic character development for anyone beyond the three main characters. With its high turnover rate of supporting cast members, there is barely time to get to know most of the characters that appear in the series, and whilst some are clearly meant to be one-dimensional personalities designed to play as brief a role a possible, even those with vastly more potential tend to be killed off all too soon.

Finally, the presentation must be addressed, and although Gonzo is usually known for placing style before substance, unfortunately here they seem to have neglected their usual aesthetics. Whilst technically clean and well done, character designs are hardly attractive, and even though this is an acceptable move for the tone of the series, everything looks that much worse for being placed in ugly CG backgrounds that make the characters seem divorced from their surroundings. Background music is generally forgettable, although the OP is oddly catchy despite its leanings towards the dreaded realm of J-rap.

Final Thoughts
Love it or loathe it, Gantz is the kind of series that creates a strong impression, and it cannot be denied that it has left its mark on the anime community. As the above rant goes to show, it never really clicked with me for various reasons, but even so, I cannot deny the notoriety it has earned.

A while ago, I reviewed Bee Train’s works and managed to create a minor backlash when I placed Madlax in the ‘miss’ category. If I had any sense, I would probably have left it at that, but having brought up the topic of Madlax, I came to feel as if I needed to say more on just where Madlax went wrong for me.

Back when Madlax was first being released on DVD, I let myself get caught up in a wave of enthusiasm for the series, even going so far as to buy it with no more knowledge than “it’s Noir II”. And indeed, for a time, it seemed as if I had made the right choice, with the series promising an intricately linked tale between Madlax, a compassionate assassin, and Margaret Burton, an amnesiac high school student who clearly had more to her than met the eye. Unfortunately, having built up such a comprehensive mental idea of the story I wanted, the reality of the situation could not fail to disappoint.

Despite its promising start, Madlax soon managed to sabotage my attempts to pay attention to it, creating a story so unnecessarily convoluted and filled with characters I didn’t care about that it was hard to even pay attention. And even as I struggled onwards, the series took a turn towards the more supernatural side of things, ensuring a transition from the dull to the completely ridiculous. Alternate realities with psychedelic backgrounds, books that opened a doorway to another world, magic words that affect everyone who hears them, split personas living in different bodies- no matter how ridiculous and hard to swallow it sounded, Madlax seemed determined to include it.

Noir II with a splash of .hack
As the second in Bee Train’s ‘Girls with Guns’ trilogy, Madlax must inevitably be compared to its predecessor, and unfortunately, it cannot live up to the standard set by Noir. Although the characters are arguably warmer and more human than the cool and detached Mireille and Kirika, they are also shallow and lacking the development they needed to fulfil their potential. And where Noir kept a tight focus on its four regular cast members whilst unfolding an intriguing mystery, Madlax is a far more bloated and convoluted tale that ends only in disappointment.

Magical Books
In the world of Madlax, there are three magical and powerful books (yes, books) that effectively enable those with equally unbelievable supernatural powers to access an alternate dimension where ridiculous plot related events can occur. The actual point of these books is, however, doubtful, as the magical effects seem to be contained in a mere six words, rendering the bulk of the text within the books negligible.

As if to add insult to injury, these three books are individually named Firstari, Secondari and Thirstari, names which simultaneously display and incredible lackof imagination and a stupidity that goes beyond mere Engrish; for even if the first two names could be accepted, the third sounds like “Thirst Diary”, a journal of one man’s search for water.

Character summaries, a ranting convention

Madlax: Our eponymous heroine, Madlax (her code name) is a seventeen year old assassin living in war-torn Gazth-Sonika. Since she is technically not a real person but actually a split persona of Margaret Burton, she has various special abilities, such as enhanced combat skills, near immortal endurance and most remarkably, a tendency to magically change from her normal attire into a clinging white dress in the middle of missions- surely practical wear for any assassin. Madlax was created twelve years ago when Margaret Burton killed her father and then used her special gift to separate the part of her that committed that act. Towards the end, they briefly become one, but upon realising that HARD YURI is difficult in a single body, they choose to separate again.

Margaret Burton: The other protagonist of the tale, Margaret was forced to kill her father in self-defence after Friday Monday used the magic ‘Words of Awakening’ to make him shoot her. No one would want to remember shooting their beloved father, but in Margaret’s case she has the rather unique solution of splitting into three personas- herself, Madlax and Laetitia, with only the latter retaining any memory of the event. From that point onwards, Margaret becomes quite an irritatingly spaced out person who seems barely able to look after herself.

Elenore Baker: As often happens, Elenore has compressed her entire high school education into a single year, enabling her to graduate and become Margaret’s maid as soon as possible. Her motive is ostensibly to look after her beloved Margaret, but it may just be so that she can wear a maid’s uniform for no real reason.

Vanessa Rene: The face of HARD YURI in the series, Vanessa is actually one of the more inoffensive characters during the times when she wasn’t tempting Madlax away from all possibility of STRAIGHT. Vanessa’s role should not be underestimated, however, as it is her actions that drive the plot forwards.

Friday Monday: When you’re a villain, you don’t want to be like everyone else- that’s why you have to name yourself after days of the week and wear a custom made but unlikely looking mask to cover your damaged eye. You also need to have a burning desire to plunge the world into never-ending war for no apparent reason, which is exactly what Friday’s agenda is. The laughable pointlessness of his goals goes beyond that of any final boss before him, and his lengthy diatribes only serve to ensure that the series ends on an extremely underwhelming note.

Limelda Jorg: The anti-heroine of the series, Limelda’s job is to chase relentlessly after Madlax, but never mess up the plot by actually killing her. Her character can be summarised by the line “I’ll get you next time, Madlax!” as she runs away after passing up yet another opportunity to kill her.

Carrossea Doon: As a child, Carrossea fell in love with Margaret within the space of about two minutes after the pair survived a plane crash. Unfortunately, he died protecting Margaret soon after, but thanks to several plot contrivances, he was resurrected without his memories, and became the bishie face of evil as an adult, spreading STRAIGHT in order to combat HARD YURI.

Quanzitta: The guardian of a magical book and the gateway to another dimension, Quanzitta’s debut was the first indication that the series was getting too bloated with characters and convoluted storyline for its own good. Her job is to offer exposition and plot advancement for the more supernatural side of the story.

Nakhl: Quanzitta’s assistant, Nakhl is a blade expert and spiritual successor to Noir’s Chloe. Aside from adding to the character count, she seems to exist for the sake of action scenes that do not involve the shooting of generics.

Laetitia and Poupee: Separated parts of Margaret and Carrossea respectively, these two children live in the alternate dimension and possess the lost memories of twelve years ago. Throughout the series, they appear to utter cryptic lines. Laetitia also bears a distinct resemblance to .hack’s aura.

Final Thoughts
Where Noir succeeded with its minimal cast and intriguing storyline, Madlax seemed almost determined to fail by introducing more thinly developed characters than the audience could ever care about and placing them in a world with ridiculously convoluted supernatural elements. There was certainly potential in the initial setting, but the execution left far too much to be desired.

Claire, Rose, Rachel and Kate may attend the same school on New York’s Roosevelt Island, but apart from sharing a friendship with a recently deceased girl named Lise, they are all very different people. Nonetheless, this unlikely quartet is thrown together when a mysterious woman named Lula enters their life with some shocking news- all four of them are already dead. Now, they are living on borrowed time, and it is time that will run out unless they follow Lula’s orders and dedicate their nights to fighting a succession of zombie-like men. Confused and afraid, but nonetheless desperate to uncover the truth behind their demise and resurrection, the four girls must now work together if they wish to balance their everyday lives with this strange new world that they have been thrust into…

There are times when you have to admire the power of words. For example, in the above paragraph, Red Garden may sound like quite an interesting series, which is why I must inform you at this point that it is, in fact, quite the opposite. A tedious mess of dull character angst and a plot so convoluted that it makes earlier Gonzo efforts look well-written, Red Garden’s only prowess lay in spanning the realm of mediocrity that lies between the laughably stupid and the tiresomely monotonous.

The Plot: I’m sick of giving spoiler warnings but I hate the comment flames even more
As we eventually come to discover, Red Garden is about (I must use words like ‘plot’ and ‘about’ somewhat loosely in this context) a battle between two opposing forces- the Animus and the Doral. Once, the Animus were in possession of two Cursed Tomes of magical plot powers, but the Doral thought it was a good idea to steal one of them, an act which seemed to achieve little more than damaging both sides. The Doral fell under a curse which fated their family members to eventually turn into grey slavering monsters, whilst the leaders of the Animus became immortal yet immobile characters who were so well developed and essentially important to the story that we were only introduced to them in the penultimate episode.

Flash forward to the present day, and events have reached breaking point. Despite having a near infinite number of generic men and no restriction on marrying outsiders (one character, Emilio, is even engaged to Kate’s sister), the Doral are down to their last two females, and so, if possible, they would like to resolve things within the next twenty-two episodes. To that end, they capture Lise’s re-animated body in the hopes that she can become the Holy Mother-esque figure who will breed life back into their clan, presumably by having an ultra-resistant body that will not fall prey to the curse.

On the other side of the fence, the Animus seem to have committed themselves to fighting the Doral, by sending out teams of dead high school girls in replacement bodies to tackle the slavering monsters (who conveniently have arranged to only appear at night). At this point, you could be forgiven for thinking that if you’re going to rely on dead girls instead of trained professionals, you could as least give them some weaponry and possibly even a crash course in how to shoot straight, but alas, this is not the case. The re-animated bodies (the original corpses are kept in storage) even have enhanced physical capabilities, but why bother to tell the girls about that when they can figure it out by trial and error? In short, it’s like ‘Gantz for Girls’, only a lot less gratuitous and somewhat more pointless.

As the latest four woman team to join the roster, Claire, Rose, Rachel and Kate now have to keep their evenings free in case their handler Lula “large lips” and her dull brother JC need them to fight (to give you an idea of just how interesting a character JC is, I must admit that I didn’t realise he was Lula’s brother or even had a name until he was killed off later in the series). The punishment for not showing up to fight is to lose their second lease of life- or is it? That may have been the case earlier in the series, but later on the writers completely forget about this, and let the girls have a night off whilst Lula stepped in for them- begging the question as to why they are needed at all if it so easy for Lula to take over (or alternately, why didn’t Lula call in another team?).

Anyway, whatever the case, through various bursts of angst, our four heroines fight a succession of slavering grey men, whilst the side of evil gets a non-generic face in the shape of blonde bishie Hervé. Hervé’s cousin and sister are the last two remaining Doral females, and thanks to his intense feelings of siscon, he resists the general consensus to give up on them and focus all efforts on Lise. In fact, he does have a point- twenty episodes later, Lise proves a failure and when even the brief capture of Kate yields nothing, the Doral have to admit that everything they have done during the series has essentially been pointless, and what they should have been aiming for was to take the second Cursed Tome away.

The finale may be fast approaching, but having discovered that they are stuck in immortal bodies and will eventually lose their memories (what happened to being returned to their original bodies?), the leads cannot act straightaway, instead devoting an episode to saying goodbye to supporting characters whilst practically the entire female contingent of their school reveals themselves to be affiliated with the Animus in one way or another (only women can be revived after death, perhaps due to the fact that they only possess the one book now). If the plot made little sense before, then this must be the point where it becomes totally ridiculous, as Roosevelt Island (population 9000+ in real life) somehow not only becomes solely inhabited by the leads and generic Doral and Animus members, but also magically becomes separated from the mainland when the bridges leading to it are blown up.

If this were any other series, the conclusion would involve a final boss battle, but even here Red Garden manages to produce something rather more disappointing. Whilst generics from both sides fight and turn to dust, a by-now deranged Hervé carries his beloved sister around whilst searching for the second Cursed Tome. Since we discovered a few episodes ago that Hervé and the other non-slavering Doral somehow also have enhanced physical capabilities, he proves up to having a brief punch-up with Kate before Lula steps in and sacrifices herself to get in a hit. At this point, I was fully expecting Hervé to run away transform into a hideous beast invested with the ‘ultimate’ power from two books, but alas, even this hope for a mediocre ending was replaced by the reality of an awful one. Hervé does indeed run away, but once he reaches the final boss room he instead concentrates on having sex with his sister killing his sister when she awakens as a monster, before apparently dying from all the wounds that have been inflicted on him (I’m not 100% convinced that he is in fact dead, and wouldn’t be surprised if he returns to be a final boss in the OVA).

With Hervé now out of the picture, our heroines coincidentally meet up with Lise (who has a tendency to randomly wander around) and retrieve the book that Hervé conveniently brought with him. Upon showing it to the masters of the Animus, its magical plot powers awaken, enabling the Animus masters to die, and leaving the four leads alone and apparently immortal on the island as Lise crumbles to dust and the whole place gets covered in pinkish-red flowers (the red garden of the title). Exactly what they will do now and how the inhabitants of New York will adapt to the sudden appearance of such a garden in the middle of the city remains unknown- quite possibly to the writers as well as the viewers.

The Characters: Coming soon to a soap opera near you
With such a confusing, convoluted and ultimately poorly written plot, the writers often needed to take time off for a type of intense and endless angst they liked to call ‘character development’. In the early episodes, this was accompanied by the leads singing awful insert songs, but luckily this practice was soon forgotten.

There is something to be said for realism in anime, and that is that said realism should not be overdone. Were I to find out that I had died and now had to fight slavering men, I probably wouldn’t take it in the best of moods, but when watching such things on screen, I don’t want to see the leads running away and crying during the fight, and later angsting about what they have done. Unfortunately, this is just what we see in Red Garden, as our heroines steadfastly attempt to cling onto their general uselessness for as long as they possibly can.

• Kate: A member of the school’s sorority/student council Grace, Kate was expected to give out tickets to rule breakers and latecomers, but when her main character duties started affecting her duties, fellow Grace members became annoyed with her. Fortunately, the leader of Grace (an Animus affiliate who just happened to have HARD YURI feelings for Kate) always backed her up, but tensions still remained.

Worse yet, not content to stick with HARD YURI, Kate decides to start dating her girlfriend’s fiancé’s friend, who just happens to be Hervé (somehow even Lula and JC fail to notice this, despite keeping tabs on her). In time, she discovers that Hervé is in fact evil, and has the great idea of phoning him from just outside Doral headquarters. Needless to say, she gets captured, although she is rescued within the space of an episode.

• Claire: Having become estranged from her career orientated father, Claire lives on her own and constantly struggles to pay her bills. Despite this, she lets pride get in the way of common sense when her pay is docked for neglecting work (again for main character duties) and storms out, only to face a life of destitution and an inability to land any other form of employment. After being forced to borrow money from her brother Randy (and thus indirectly from her father, since Randy borrowed it from Dad in order to set up a business) she swallows her pride and takes back her old job. Meanwhile, Randy’s business fails and he gets into a car accident, but luckily for all concerned, he eventually makes a recovery, whilst Claire even has a reconciliation of sorts with her father.
• Rose: Given that she has to look after her two bratty siblings whilst her mother is in hospital and her father is away trying to earn money by working at a construction site (just come and look after your damn kids), I might actually feel sorry for Rose- if only she wasn’t so annoying. The most whiny and ineffectual of the girls, Rose is the doormat’s doormat, a woman with so little spine that her strongest attack skill is ‘Cry’. It takes her about two third of the series to actually become useful in any way, although perhaps this is better than nothing.
• Rachel: The trendy girl of the group, Rachel initially likes hanging around with her shallow friends and boyfriend Luke (or is that Rook?), picking out the latest fashions in clothing and make-up. After her resurrection, she begins to tire of this, leading to friction with her friends, and tension in her love life, especially after her new fondness for having coffee with a teacher leads everyone to believe she is having an affair with him.
• Hervé: The blonde bishie of evil, Hervé was dating Lise until he ended up overseeing the murder of her and the leads. Having been haunted by the time when his mother turned into a monster and had to be killed, Hervé doesn’t want that fate for his sister and cousin, and fights against their apparent abandonment in favour of Lise. In the end, however, despite his various siscon-inspired machinations, he cannot even make a good final boss.

Visual Style
When Red Garden first started, I really disliked the character designs- they were technically well done, but for me, not particularly aesthetically pleasing. Over time, I came to appreciate the less generic ones more, and with the exception of such blunders as Lula’s immense lips, I’m now quite appreciative of the distinct and different art style with its gradient colour shading- it’s not something I’d want to see overused, but it ultimately made for an interesting change from the norm.

That being said, the series may have done well with the basic design, but its fashion sense was not always in the right place. Attempts to look ‘arty’ often resulted in hideous clothing for certain characters- just look at poor Rose and that green dress of hers. Such poor taste was not only limited to the visuals, however, as the two ear-bleedingly poor ED themes proved.

Final Thoughts
Although it manages to capture the interest early on by promising a slowly unfolding mystery, Red Garden’s tedious mix of dull character angst and needlessly convoluted plot was a recipe for only failure. When sitting through it even once is such a chore, any long-term value is entirely nonexistent.

Some months ago, I reviewed the second season of School Rumble, and the verdict was not a positive one- much as I may have loved the series in its first season, these new episodes just failed to shine. Nonetheless, unwilling to completely give up on the franchise, I convinced myself that my dissatisfaction was due to the filler elements introduced in Nigakki, and vowed that reading the manga would make everything better. Unfortunately, if not unpredictably, this was not to be the case.

To be fair, at first, everything seemed hopeful. As I reread the chapters that had later been turned into the first season, I was once again transported to the days when School Rumble’s crazy comedy and romantic misunderstandings had still been able to hit the spot. It all seemed entirely promising, and I couldn’t help looking forward to what was coming next- effectively ‘season two as it should have been’.

Sadly, I was soon to discover that all was not well within this manga world. As with the anime, everything went well until the school play arc, but after that, it seemed as if the basic premise had just naturally reached the end of its lifespan. Many of the following segments which I had initially hoped were merely filler actually turned out to have their origins in manga chapters, and unfortunately, they had little to offer in either format. What exactly was the point of having Akira, Sarah, Yakumo and Tenma get stuck in the floor? Why did we have to see Hanai’s adventures after he got strapped to a kit and blew away on the wind? Even for a light high school comedy like School Rumble, these stories seem exceptionally pointless and irrelevant.

Then again, by this point, it is hardly as if the main storyline is all that enthralling anymore. There is only so long that such a chain of unrequited feelings can be maintained without getting completely stale, but Jin’s attempts to develop the situation are hardly make the situation better. Even as Tenma continues to mindlessly long for Karasuma, and Harima maintains his pointless love of Tenma, two girls start to catch the Harima bug- namely Eri and Yakumo. Now, in all honesty, it took me a while to even start to like Harima, and whilst he isn’t a bad person, I don’t see anything noteworthy enough about him to merit having not one, but two girls so devoted to him. Worse yet, whilst Yakumo’s feelings are at least in character, Eri seems to have completely altered her personality in the last few chapters, turning from a proud and independent young woman into a desperate Harima chaser. Chapter 203 is perhaps the worst example of this, documenting Eri’s attempts to become clumsier than Tenma in the hopes of attracting attention. Is this really the same Eri that I came to know and like in the early days?

Regardless of whether they are in or out of character, however, there comes a point when you realise that, truth be told, perhaps the members of the School Rumble cast aren’t all that worthy after all. As far as the male characters go, it is hard to point out a single one who is particularly likable- from Tougou to Yoshidayama, they all seem to be shallow and irritating one trick personalities. The girls fare a little better, but even they do not stand up under scrutiny- Tenma is so incapable that she barely seems human, Yakumo intentionally allows herself to become a subservient doormat and Akira is completely inscrutable, to name but a few. Of course, it doesn’t help that the series is burdened with so many characters that in trying to include them all it has just become a tedious morass.

After the anime: what happens next
Those who watched to the end of the anime will recall that there was a preview for the next arc, a school trip to England. As it turns out, after having Harima and Eri become the trip organisers, 2-C end up going to Kyoto instead (all except Hanai, who ends up at Heathrow airport by himself).

Unfortunately, the Kyoto trip is entirely unexciting, consisting of various characters wandering around and taking in the sights, before moving on to an extremely confusing fight between Harima and some students from England. Apart from the fact that one of the English characters had a past connection with Eri, this seemed to be a completely pointless and confusing arc that achieved absolutely nothing. Perhaps some of the blame can be laid at the door of the grammatical imperfections of the scanlation group, but I can’t help feeling that even the best translation in the world would not do much to help matters.

Of course, no school trip would be complete without some romantic misunderstandings, and so it is that the Harima tangle receives its share of attention. After learning about the tradition of writing your name alongside that of your beloved on a paper charm, Harima writes his and Tenma’s names down on the same piece of paper, only for the rain to cause his name to soak through onto a charm where Eri had written her name. Naturally, Eri happens to see this charm, and from then on her personality changes from ‘normal’ to ‘chase Harima’ mode.

Back at Yagami High School, the story slowly crawls forward with only one certainty- Jin has no intention of ending it any time soon (and indeed, bad as it gets, how does a series like this end?). Eri and Harima are forced to spend more time together as they assemble the photo album for the trip, complete with an overnight stay for the two of them at Eri’s house. By this point, Eri is determined to pursue her feelings for Harima, and when she realises that he likes Tenma, a rift grows up between the two girls. Naturally, the oblivious Tenma has no idea what she did to upset Eri (it’s perhaps a wonder that she even noticed Eri was treating her differently, given her lack of observational skills), but after attempting to talk to her, she writes an apology in the snow and the friendship is restored.

In the meantime, the end of the second year is approaching, and after some Valentine’s fun in which no one seems able to easily hand over chocolates to their beloved, it is time to start thinking about the future. Having randomly decided that she wants to become a teacher, Tenma decides to get some experience with a day of teaching at an elementary school, causing Harima to turn up and pose as one of the students (since, conveniently enough, it’s his brother’s class). After a day of ‘hilarious’ antics, it is time to get back to school and continue the rumble…but how long can it go on before all but a handful of dedicated readers lose hope?

Relationship woes
There are far too many relationships in School Rumble for me to get much out of covering them all, but whilst I may add to this list later, for now I’ll just concentrate on the main batch of “are they, aren’t they?” pairings.

Tenma x Karasuma
Although it started off as one of the main hooks of the series, Tenma’s love for Karasuma is really something that should have long died away by now. In some ways, it would almost be a relief to at least have Tenma out of the way by pairing her off with Karasuma, but at the same time, he is just so inscrutable and downright strange that he barely seems human- after all, just who walks around in a kappa suit when it rains? Add in the fact that he just plain disappears from the story at times, and it is hard to imagine anyone having a close personal relationship with him.

Harima x Tenma
Harima’s hopeless love continues to endure, but even so, it merely marks another relationship that doesn’t seem viable. Given their propensity for mutual misunderstandings and the sheer difficulty of clearly communicating with each other, it seems as if any relationship between them would be painful at best (think Love Hina).

Harima x Eri
The trouble with this pairing is that I just have a hard time swallowing that Eri could develop those sorts of feelings for Harima at all- I could see them becoming friends, but a romance between them just doesn’t sit right with me. Even if I could have accepted it with time, the way Eri’s personality has changed to make her another link in the ‘unrequited love chain’ has ruined any hope of that happening now. Poor Eri, whatever happened to you?

Harima x Yakumo
Although I didn’t initially feel this way, if Harima is going to end up with anyone, I have begun to see this as the most viable option. In the midst of other disappointments, the quiet friendship and respect that has grown up between Harima and ‘Imouto-san’ during their manga sessions is one of the better parts of the manga, and I could actually envisage Harima slowly realising how much Yakumo means to him. It would also be refreshing to see Yakumo start to have more a life beyond just being Tenma’s keeper; certainly it isn’t helping either sister to grow up by having them stuck in their current roles- not to mention the fact that I hate to see something as worthy as Yakumo in the position of sacrificing herself for the irritatingly thoughtless Tenma.

Imadori x Ichijou
This section is really just an excuse to rant without any kind of measured thought- I simply hate the way poor Karen tolerates Imadori’s immature attitude just because she likes him. It’s almost a relief when Lala puts Imadori in his place, since Karen is simply far too tolerant- especially when one might question just what exactly she could possibly see in Imadori anyway.

Mikoto x Asou
Although this relationship seemed slightly more mutual, it was simply so dull that I didn’t really realise that they had ever been properly ‘going out’ until after they had broken up. Worse yet, Mikoto seemed to feel compelled to alter her personality when she was with Asou in order to be more feminine- I’d rather see her happy to be herself.

Hanai x Yakumo
Anything involving Hanai must simply never come to pass- he is simply far too annoying a character. At least this is played more for laughs than anything that could ever possibly happen.

Final Thoughts
Like most static situations, School Rumble was a series which would eventually have to ‘evolve or die’ if it didn’t want to go downhill in the way that it has, but unfortunately it continues to limp along in what is effectively the same old rut. The basic setup simply isn’t strong enough to continue for over two hundred chapters, and with each passing instalment, my love of the series seems ever more distant. Perhaps if Jin had introduced some proper progression in the relationships between characters instead of getting caught up in diversions, side stories and essentially embellishing the original situation with more of the same, the series could have been more satisfying, but unfortunately, even light comedy cannot hope to be successful if it remains in the same unchanging mode forever.

Indeed, as far as parody goes, Jyu-oh-sei is a veritable goldmine of material, but unfortunately, the very aspects that make it easy to make fun of also prevent it from having much in the way of entertainment value. The tale of twin cyclewear models brothers ripped from their sterile and futuristic life on the Juno colony and sent to prison planet Chimera somehow covers the entire spectrum of awfulness- from the laughably ridiculous to the downright dire, no type of mediocrity is neglected.

Spoiler Alert! The ending will be revealed…

Episodes 1-5: The Destined Hero
Every story needs a destined hero, but at the start, Jyu-oh-sei appeared to have two; what else could it do, then, than kill off Rai in his very first episode on Chimera? Poor Rai was so unimportant that he didn’t even get to return later as an enemy- all he could do was appear briefly in the OP.

Meanwhile, for Thor, events were to proceed more favourably. Protected by his main character status and a single beam knife, Thor was easily able to navigate the hazardous planet of Chimera and even defeat more experienced opponents when the plot called for it. Within the space of five episodes, he manages to recruit named allies, secure his own Ring (one of the four hierarchical settlements on the planet) and begin a quest to become Chimera’s Jyu Oh (Beast King). The Jyu Oh is the only one who can leave the planet, for when someone takes that position by defeating the other Ring leaders, the space elevator known as Dagger Pagoda magically knows to activate and let him go to Hecate, supposedly another prison planet- is it really worth the effort?

At Thor’s side are the obligatory supporting characters- Tiz, a girl who inexplicably wants to marry Thor after first catching sight of him, and Third, the manipulator of the series. Third is a man entirely devoted to the plot- through actions so blatant that the audience can see them a mile off even as the other characters fail to notice them, he makes sure that everything runs smoothly.

Unfortunately, Chimera is a world of contradictions and lack of explanations. For example, apparently men and women live separately, but where some Rings have a mixture of males and females as leaders, others seem to have separate hierarchies for male and female. Admittedly, Chimera is said to be short on females, but we only ever see about six women in the course of the show- surely there cannot be that few.

Worse yet, however, are the points which are introduced for the sole purpose of being forgotten by the next episode. In the first episode, we learn of the Wild Children who belong to no Ring, but aside from seeing their leader Zagi as a Ring leader later in the series, the actual Wild Children themselves are never referenced again. Equally pointless is the revelation that Thor has not had life-extension surgery and will only live to about twenty years of age- since we never see him reach this age, do we really need to know?

Episodes 6-9: It all turns HARD GAY
At the end of episode five, we see night finally come to Chimera and antagonist Zagi make his move against the Rings. We then skip ahead around five years or so whilst Zagi patiently waits for Thor to go through puberty- only then can he finally come forward and initiate the next arc. In order to provide a contrasting view, Zagi is interested in HARD GAY with Thor gaining independence for Chimera; he even goes so far as to attempt to alter the course of the series, although fortunately Third is there to get things back on track. In the end, Zagi must simply settle for being an inconsistent personality who switches between trying to use the leads for his own ends and accepting his place as an unimportant supporting character.

Thor, meanwhile, has issues far more important than the plot to attend to in this arc- having finally met Karin (a girl who briefly appears in the OP) he immediately falls in love with her. Unfortunately, being an OP character is no guarantee of immortality in this series, and Karin dies a scant two episodes later- just the impetus needed for Thor to defeat Zagi and become Jyu Oh. It’s almost as if someone wanted things to happen that way…which of course they did. Yes, it’s Third up to his old tricks again, but can you blame him when the series has too few episodes in which to digress?

Episodes 10-11: Call that a plot?
If the rest of the series was poor, it was nonetheless nowhere near the depths plumbed by the last two episodes, a mishmash of poorly thought out story ideas that ranged from the laughable to the perplexing. Thor has become Jyu Oh, and the time has come to leave the planet, but beyond the orbit of Chimera lies only reams of exposition and a conclusion so bad that even the series’ handful of fans could not defend it.

The future of humanity.
As hinted at earlier in the series, humanity is slowly dying out, with only Chimera proving to be a place where people actually have children without artificial intervention (perhaps a few sex education pamphlets elsewhere would have helped out). In the most convoluted of plans, therefore, anyone who became Jyu Oh was allowed to leave the planet in order to be frozen in cold storage; after all that, the genetic material of these promising human samples was somehow combined to create Thor, who as lead character just happens to be the destined saviour of the human race- in fact, stranding him on Chimera was all part of the great plan to test his worthiness.

Thor is not just a typical destined lead, however- his powers go beyond even that. Artificially implanted into a surrogate mother’s womb, he nonetheless managed to look like his ‘mother’ and ‘brother’, thanks to his ‘magical DNA’. Although it requires a not-inconsiderable stretch, I could just about live with this happening in the womb due to some kind of retrovirus, but any vague chance at credibility this plot element has is blown out of the water when adult Thor somehow ‘absorbs’ the physical characteristics of Tiz and Third after their deaths.

The ridiculousness does not end there- having gone to all this trouble to use Chimera as a breeding ground, final boss Odin and his obligatory scientist underling Dr Loki have created a system that will speed up the rotation of the planet, killing the inhabitants but apparently making it the perfect place for Thor’s descendants (it is unclear whether they will be clones or genuine offspring) to grow up in. Yes, the one planet that humanity has been able to prosper on is to be unrealistically altered by a special doomsday device created for the sole purpose of being deactivated by the main heroes.

Of course, you can’t have such a device and make it easy to switch on and off- instead, once activated, the device requires an entire episode of clichéd action elements in order to reach its central controls. Cue the final episode, a sequence of scenes surely ripped from any action film or role-playing game, in which our heroes battle successively harder enemies on their way to the control room, with lesser characters and generics sacrificing themselves so that Thor can complete the mission and escape. They aren’t entirely successful, but it hardly matters- somehow, the very plants of Chimera rise up and stop the relevant parts of the doomsday device from landing on the surface. Who needs to work when the plants will do it for you?

By this point, even Odin has had enough of the series- having decided that this whole final boss thing isn’t really for him, he inexplicably decides to scrap his life’s work in favour of letting the hero live in peace on Chimera.

Third, and final
On top of its basic story, Jyu-oh-sei’s finale seems determined to throw in some character deaths for no apparent reason whatsoever. Back on Chimera, Tiz takes a bullet to the shoulder after protecting Zagi from a random generic, only to fall down a crevasse and subsequently breathe her last (compare to Odin, who gets shot in the chest but acts as if he has barely been scratched). Pointless as Tiz’ death was, however, she was not alone- Third also meets his end in the final episode.

In case anyone hadn’t noticed how scheming and manipulative Third was, the final arc reveals him to be one of Odin’s agents who was specifically sent to Chimera to watch over Thor (this was supposed to be a test of Thor’s survival abilities, but there would have been no series if he actually had died). Third’s actions were motivated by his lifelong desire to see Earth, but upon learning that it had been destroyed 130 years ago, perhaps he just didn’t have the will to continue living. Either way, it’s hard for the audience to care about these facts when they are introduced so late in the story.

Final Thoughts
It may have only had eleven episodes to cover a series that spanned five manga volumes, but Jyu-oh-sei does an exceptionally poor job of telling its story. From its average beginning to its completely ridiculous ending, there is little to recommend this series- save yourself the pain and watch something else instead.

136 chapters ago, orphaned high school student Tohru Honda came to live with the Sohmas, a family with a bizarre secret; when hugged by a member of the opposite sex, they turned into the animals of the Chinese Zodiac. Now, the series has finally concluded- all the tears have been shed, the confessions have been made, and we can at last get on with our lives. But what should the final verdict on Furuba be- was it the best manga ever, or did it simply outstay its welcome?

Like many people, my Furuba experience actually started with the anime, a series that was highly enjoyable but also one that ended too soon. Having been drawn so fully into the heartfelt and bittersweet world of Tohru and the Sohmas, I was desperate to find out what happened next, and with that in mind, the manga seemed the logical next step.

And indeed, when I started reading the manga, it seemed an entirely worthy experience. Over the course of the first twelve or so volumes, Fruits Basket wove a deceptively simple story of drama and romance, the tale of one pure-hearted girl’s catalytic effect on a group of people too trapped and scared to save themselves. Their problems may have been more extreme than most, but they were still ones that the reader could identify with, based as they were on the feelings of isolation, loneliness and uncertainty that almost everyone experiences at some point in their lives. What could be more satisfying, then, than to watch them slowly opening up and putting aside the pain that had haunted them for so long?

Yes, for a time, Furuba was onto to a good thing, and I was only too happy to be swept along with it. I let myself be absorbed into the world of these unique and likable characters, smiling when things when worked out for them, and even shedding a few tears at the most bittersweet and sorrowful moments (I don’t want to give anything away, but suffice to say that you should have a few tissues handy when reading volume six). It all seemed nothing short of excellent, and I was only too happy to include Furuba in that select list of favourite series.

Unfortunately, as with so many things, the good times were not to last forever. As the series moved into its second half, I began to feel a niggling sense of dissatisfaction- a treacherous yet inescapable feeling that Furuba simply wasn’t engaging me to the same extent that it previously had. As the weeks passed and still more chapters came my way, I couldn’t deny it- Furuba was losing its impact.

Aside from a select few exceptions, most series have a limited lifespan, and Furuba was already approaching its expiry date. Between its extended cast and their various problems, Furuba was already walking the fine line between engaging drama and over-the-top angst, and now it was about to topple over the edge.

The downhill slide began with the introduction of no less than four new characters- the student council that newly elected president Yuki Sohma would be working with. Furuba hardly needed more characters, but not only did it bring in an entire quartet to occupy Yuki, but it gave two of them complicated and traumatic histories that were the equal of anything the Sohmas had experienced. From then, it felt as if the series had simply gone too far; not only did almost everyone featured on its pages seemed to have some kind of troubled past filled with family conflicts, deceased relatives and other distressing incidents, but Tohru became the ultimate Mary Sue, magically healing all their wounds with just the power of her smile. What had once been such an excellent series was now beginning to bear a distinct resemblance to a tangled and melodramatic soap opera.

Equally disappointing in the later chapters is the laziness with which the main storyline is finally resolved. The curse of the Sohmas is the driving force behind the series, and the question in every readers mind must have been whether or not it would be broken, especially in the case of Kyo, who as the Cat, bore the brunt of it. It seemed reasonable to expect that everything would end happily for our protagonists, but given the care taken in setting up the curse, surely it would receive an equally well thought conclusion? Unfortunately not; apparently the situation would have worked itself out over time no matter what happened, effectively rendering the events of the entire series somewhat pointless.

Final Thoughts
Any series could be proud of laying claim to twelve volumes of excellence, but enjoyable as they were, such heights quickly pale when balanced with a further eleven volumes of intense angst and a focus split between far too many characters. It could be argued that Furuba’s ending was never going to be anything but a little bit cheesy and disappointing, but even so, it didn’t have to take quite so long getting there.

These days, it’s rare for a series not to get subbed- even the likes of Haruka 8 and the twenty year old Ginga Nagareboshi Gin are slowly but surely being released. With that in mind, it seemed only logical to expect the Angelique TV series to be picked up by someone sooner or later, but unfortunately, as the final episode aired, it became clear that such was not to be the case- if I wanted to watch it, my only recourse would be the raws. Driven onwards by a strange need to watch the series, I decided that I would have to rely on my basic grasp of Japanese to carry me through, but as I realised by the end, it hadn’t really been worth the effort.

From the early trailers, it had been abundantly clear that Angelique was more likely to be amusingly cheesy than actually good, but nonetheless I was certain of one thing- I had to see it for myself. After all, I had survived the entirety of Haruka 8 twice (some of it in French)- how much worse could this be? Perhaps even thinking such a thing was tempting fate, since as it turned out, Angelique was so pedestrian and dull that it made Haruka look like a deep and well-plotted series in comparison.

Based on the game series of the same name, Angelique is the tale of Ange, a young woman chosen to become the Legendary Etoile and save the fledgling universe known as the Holy Cosmos. In order to do so, she needs the aid of nine bishounen guardians (or arguably eight bishies and one character that looks too much like a woman to possibly be male), who must transfer their magical HARD GAY elemental powers to Ange’s bracelet so that she can use them to reconstruct the Holy Cosmos.

We are supposed to believe that Olivie is a man, but even though ‘he’ has a distinctly male VA I am of the firm belief that ‘he’ is actually a female prostitute included to fill out the numbers.

In all honesty, this isn’t a concept that sounds very interesting on paper, and unfortunately, it gains absolutely nothing in the execution. After an episode or so of angst in which Ange must decide whether or not to accept her inevitable destiny, Angelique turns into something akin to a game in which the player can only wander around the home world and never actually go out to complete any quests or dungeons. For over half the series, each episode consists of Ange chatting with one of the guardians until he reveals his true feelings and starts glowing with a special HARD GAY aura; after this, Ange and one or more bishies take a bizarre space-going boat to the Holy Cosmos to apply the collected HARD GAY power.

At a stretch, this method of storytelling could be interesting if it actually gave some sort of insight into the characters, but predictably, this is not the case; to continue with the game analogies, Ange’s interactions with the guardians are more akin to repeatedly chatting to an NPC until they finally give the player the desired answer. Even at the end of the series, there’s no real sense that we know the guardians any better than we did before- Clavis has a semi-tragic past, Luva likes books, Marcel is the obligatory blonde shota- beyond simple descriptions like this, there really is nothing more to say about them.

If the first eight episodes were poor, however, then the last five must surely rank amongst the nonsensical. The quest to save a universe that consists of one castle and one town goes horribly wrong when Zephel realises that having an odd number of bishounen means that he is left without a HARD GAY partner. As Zephel falls into despair, the Holy Cosmos becomes an evil lava-filled place with a badly drawn boss monster wandering around, whilst for reasons that I couldn’t discern, a wandering bishie swordsman named Arios randomly appears during this story arc. I’m not sure whether he was there to become the missing HARD GAY partner, replace Zephel, or just sacrifice himself to women so that other bishies could enjoy HARD GAY uninterrupted, but his purpose (if he had one) was entirely unclear.

Having set itself on this final arc of sorts, Angelique’s finale was nothing if not predictable. After realising that HARD GAY is possible in threesomes as well as couples, Zephel returns to the fold, Arios disappears, whilst each of the nine guardians summons the ultimate HARD GAY power in order to dispel the evil and save the Holy Cosmos (making you wonder why they didn’t just do that in the first place and skip all the preliminary wandering around). For some reason, however, it has been deemed necessary to continue the story in a second thirteen episode season that starts airing in January- the only question is whether anyone is actually going to watch it.

Final Thoughts
I started Angelique because I wanted some light fun, but what I got was something too awful to even be labelled as laughably bad; in fact, the only reason I watched to the end was so that I had enough material with which to create this rant (after all, I would hate to be accused of not being VALID). As to whether I will watch the second season; well, it all depends on how masochistic I’m feeling at the time.

It’s funny how things go back and forth. Back in the olden days when anime was a fresh and exciting product from a distant land, Love Hina was one of the staples that you just had to see- a combination of slapstick humour and slow-burning romance that embodied one of the early entries in the harem genre. You couldn’t call yourself an anime fan if you didn’t have a working knowledge of the antics of Keitaro, Naru and the rest.

As time went on, however, and the anime-sphere expanded, Love Hina came to pass into the realms of the unworthy. Now it was a beginners’ series; profess to like it, and more knowledgeable fans would nod and smile at each other even as they labelled you an anime novice. If you wanted to be considered a serious, experienced viewer, Love Hina was not something you could ever admit to liking.

In time, however, a select few voices decided to speak up in defence of Love Hina, and once again the balance was reversed; now it was mindless crowd-following to bash Love Hina, whilst those who admitted to liking it were to be applauded for their courage. Suddenly, being a Love Hina fan was ‘in’ again.

Nonetheless, the existence of this rant isn’t to address who should and shouldn’t like Love Hina; in fact, lengthy as it was, I only wrote the above by way of introduction. The real reason for suddenly wanting to write about Love Hina lies entirely in the fact that I recently watched the Spring Special, and whilst that in itself was not too bad, it couldn’t help but remind me of the pain I had suffered at the hands of the TV series.

To be fair, Love Hina didn’t start too badly. In its earliest episodes, it seemed as if the slapstick elements would be balanced by romance and a less over-the-top brand of humour- the series may not amount to anything special, but at least it would be an entertaining dose of light fun. Unfortunately, whilst this was to be the case for the first few episodes, as the second DVD drew to a close, things took a turn for the worse.

At the beginning, Love Hina had at least seemed vaguely grounded in reality, but now it became a case of “the wackier the better”. What had once been limited to a small flying turtle and some crazy inventions from resident eccentric whiz kid Kaolla Su turned into something on a larger scale; now giant mecha turtles and ancient turtle-based civilisations were part of an average day for the residents of the Hinata apartments.

Unappealing as it was, however, the crazy ‘humour’ was not the worst Love Hina had to offer- that prize went to the depressing futility of the entire series. The lead, Keitaro, was a born loser beyond almost any other harem lead, so much so that he inhabited a painful realm where nothing could possibly go right. Year after year, his attempts to get into Tokyo U met with rejection; no matter how well he prepared, some outside influence was bound to conspire to make him fail his exams. Any point where Keitaro seemed optimistic was not a sign that his life was about to improve; rather, it was an indication that his tentative hopes were about to be cruelly dashed.

Unsurprisingly, however, it was in love that Keitaro fared even more badly. His ‘relationship’ with Naru quite possibly underwent the slowest progression in history; at any point where Naru started to believe that perhaps Keitaro wasn’t so bad after all, he would invariably manage to walk in whilst she was undressing, accidentally grab her breasts or cause some kind of misunderstanding. In each case, the end result usually consisted of Naru punching Keitaro and sending him flying, and yet neither side ever learned from this.

As the endless cycle of slapstick and repeated jokes began to take their toll, Love Hina entered a downward spiral. The lowest ebb was reached in volume five, a quartet of episodes so tiresome and insipid that they drained the very will to live. By this point, it felt as if we had seen all the series had to offer so many times that whatever appeal it had once had was now long gone. The only reason to continue to the final volume was for that all important sense of completion.

Fortunately, in its last four episodes, the series was able to recover a little, finally offering some development for both the characters and their relationships. Whilst hardly close to being good, at least the ending seemed an improvement on what had come before, especially when added to the relief of knowing it was all finally over and done with (not counting the specials or OVA).

Lead characters, or how not to build a harem

Keitaro Urashima: A born loser, Keitaro is determined to fulfil a promise he once made to a girl by getting into Tokyo University. Unfortunately, his immensely bad luck and his lack of social or intellectual ability stand in the way of every single one of his efforts; the only thing he seems to be good at is getting punched in the face. He manages to start off on the wrong foot by lying to the girls in order to get them to accept him as manager of the Hinata apartments, and things only go downhill from there.

Naru Narusegawa: Lead girl and tsundere, Naru spends half the series pining for her old tutor before finally realising that what she really wants is a punching bag Keitaro. As with Keitaro himself, her efforts to get into Tokyo U are continually met with failure.

Mitsune Konno (Kitsune): Laid back and somewhat self-serving, Kitsune seemingly has nothing better to do in life than run around keeping an eye on Keitaro and Naru. When she’s not actively attempting to make Keitaro’s life difficult, she can usually be found causing an equal amount of damage by trying to help him.

Kaolla Su: A youthful inventor from a strange foreign kingdom that seems to exist within the borders of Japan, Kaolla’s duties include creating mayhem through mecha turtles and other inventions. Even when Kaolla herself isn’t causing trouble, it is equally likely that her family members will show up to cause mayhem with a visit to the Hinata apartments.

Motoko Aoyama: As the token kendo girl and man-hater, Motoko’s appearances are generally restricted to practising sword arts on Keitaro in order to keep him in line. She also comes in handy whenever the story line demands some muscle.

Shinobu Maehara: The quiet one, Shinobu is the one girl who actually likes Keitaro from the start, which gives the others an excuse to beat him up on the pretext of protecting her feelings.

Mutsumi Otohime: The obligatory sick girl and third woman in the “Keitaro-Naru-Mutsumi” triangle, Mutsumi has been just as unlucky as the others in her attempts to get into Tokyo U (since she either passes out during the exam or forgets to write her name). Her duty is to turn up at convenient moments, as dictated by the plot.

Sarah McDougal: Although she doesn’t appear until later in the series, Sarah is noteworthy simply for being the most annoying character in the series. Fuelled by an inexplicably intense grudge against Keitaro, she spends all of her screen time finding ways to makes his life more difficult- as if he needed any more help on that front.

Christmas Special
Released together with the bonus episode 25, the Christmas Special isn’t so much poor as just incredibly average. Featuring the requisite amount of running around and misunderstandings before everything comes together for the usual “and they all lived happily ever after…until the next crisis” ending. The extra episode is actually reasonably entertaining, but there are better things to spend 70 minutes on.

Spring Special
After reading some bad reviews, I prepared myself for the worst before watching this special, but with my expectations so low, it actually turned out to be better than I’d hoped. Although the storyline is weak and contrived, there are some worthy character moments sprinkled here and there- and most importantly, the leads are finally able to move beyond the cruel status quo that held them for so long.

Final Thoughts
Sitting through Love Hina is a bit like running a marathon- it starts off well enough, gets extremely tiring and painful in the middle, and ends with a final spurt of energy and a sense of relief that it is all over. Unfortunately, where those who choose to tackle a marathon usually feel some sense of achievement when it is done, it cannot be said that finishing Love Hina will provide any kind of benefit or satisfaction.

Recommendations are tricky things. Sometimes, someone will alert you to a worthy series that had completely passed you by, and you’ll understandably be thankful that they did (although if you end up forking out for DVDs, your bank balance may not be as appreciative). Unfortunately, for every good series that you manage to uncover in this way, there seem to be three times as many awful series that ‘random contact A’ enjoyed but which otherwise seem to have no merit whatsoever. Since this is clearly marked as a rant, it doesn’t take too much effort to deduce that Burst Angel falls into the latter category.

Burst Angel is possibly the laziest attempt at a ‘girls with guns’ series to grace our screens, the tale of four generic women fighting ugly monsters dispatched by an evil organisation. There’s Jo, the strong but silent type with a mysterious past; Meg, the whiny cowgirl who is so completely useless that she manages to get kidnapped on practically every mission; Sei, the cool and calm leader with an outfit so gravity-defying that it’s a wonder her breasts don’t fall out of the bottom; and Amy, the irritating kid who’s good with computers. It’s like Bubblegum Crisis all over again, only this time with less interesting characters and more potential for HARD YURI (not that the series does more than vaguely imply such relationships).

To be fair, at the start, I had a vague hope that Burst Angel could at least provide some light entertainment, but then again, those were in the days when I assumed it was working towards some kind of plot. Since I had convinced myself that it was going to get better later, I felt I could live with the flaws in the earlier episodes- it was only when said ‘later’ was reached and things had taken a turn for the worse that I realised how wrong I was.

Over the course of its first eight episodes, Burst Angel presents four two-part stories, each involving some kind of evil mecha, the kidnapping of Meg, and Jo’s subsequent fight to rescue her and save the day. Stretching each standalone story across two episodes was not a good choice for the series- compared to monsters-of-the-week, monsters-of-the-fortnight are that much more tedious and painful to watch.

From volume three onwards, however, the series sticks to more conventional single episodes for its standalone stories, and for one brief moment, it seems as if Burst Angel might actually have something vaguely approaching merit. A pair of episodes devoted to Sei and Amy offers some hope that this characters will get to have more than shallow supporting roles, whilst the beginning of a longer arc that takes Jo to Osaka seems to promise something in the way of a main plot.

With the advent of volume four, however, such hopes are proven to be completely false. From this point onwards, it becomes hard to care about or even concentrate on what is happening in any given episode, so much so that the first half of the series actually looks good in comparison.

To be fair, there is one good episode on the disc- a ‘past chapter’ about how Jo and Meg came to meet. Unfortunately, this one example of worth and character development cannot stem the tide of shallow characters and mediocre stories; from the obligatory beach episode to a production line magic CCTV villain, everything is dull and generic as it can possibly get.

Poor as volume four was, however, volume five manages to take the series to new lows. For a brief moment, it seemed as the promised main plot that had previously failed to materialise would finally arrive- surely now the story would become interesting as Jo’s mysterious past was finally uncovered. Of course, that was not to be the case- in true Mai-Otome fashion, the penultimate four episodes did not so much begin a main storyline as totally erase any chance of the series having one.

Ever since I had first read about the series, I had been looking forward to volume five and its promised showdown between Jo and her ‘anti-existence’ look-alike Maria; no matter what pain I endured earlier on, I had convinced myself that this part of the series would make up for it. In retrospect, it was wrong to hold any kind of expectations for the series, since it could only lead to disappointment. The Jo/Maria showdown was not only confined to a single episode, but it was a poorly edited one at that, making little sense as it meandered between reality and Sunrise sweet potato dango-esque fantasy.

As if to add insult to injury, the next episode turned out to be a completely pointless standalone story about a generic one-shot character- exactly the sort of story that no one can be persuaded to care about even at the best of times. Meanwhile, the second half of the disc is the final nail in the coffin, in which monsters of evil menace the populace of the city for no particular reason, whilst Mr. Magic CCTV looks on from his observation room. Even Tsubasa’s Fei Wong has sounder motives than that of Burst Angel’s nameless villain.

At the time of writing, I have yet to see the final four episodes of Burst Angel, but based on what little I’ve read about them, I hardly expect them to show any great improvement. In fact, the only reason that I’m looking forward to the end of the series is so that I can finally put Burst Angel behind me and never speak of it again.

Style over Substance?
This is a phrase used often in connection with Gonzo, but it has to be said that whilst Burst Angel certainly lacks substance, it fails on the style front as well. The character designs certainly have potential, but lose far too many points for the ugly and ridiculously impractical outfits, whilst the animation budget is extremely inconsistent. So much of the animation budget has been sunk into making the characters’ nipples stick out from under their clothing that there isn’t much left for anything else, resulting in an overuse of stills and ugly CG mecha- when will Gonzo learn that well choreographed hand-to-hand action is much more satisfying than bullet time and badly designed robots?

Final Thoughts
Burst Angel is one of those series that starts badly and only gets worse as it continues. Even if you consider yourself a fan of girls, guns, nipple-shots and HARD YURI undertones, there are numerous better alternatives to spend valuable time and money on.

A few years ago, I happened to stumble across FUNimation’s trailer for the recently released Kiddy Grade. It was a trailer that immediately captivated me, promising a futuristic tale of secret agents with special abilities, not to mention a tragic past that haunted the main character. Upon seeing it, I knew I had to watch the series for myself, and therein began the trouble- because everything that these few minutes of advertisement promised, the series itself would be completely unable to deliver.

To quote the wisdom of Blackadder, Kiddy Grade “started badly, tailed off a little in the middle, and the less said about the end the better”. Nonetheless, as recent news has proven, a second season of this underwhelming series should eventually be on its way to us, and for that reason, it seemed only right to publish a rant that addresses the problems of the original.

It started badly…
Set in a distant future where humanity has colonised planets all across the galaxy, Kiddy Grade tells the tale of Éclair and Lumiere, special agents for the ES, a shadowy arm of the powerful Galactic Organisation of Trade and Tariffs. Together with the other agents that make up the ES force, Éclair and Lumiere are assigned to whatever mission requires their attention, from recovering stolen goods to pulling bodyguard duty.

As to be expected, the early portion of the series is primarily concerned with standalone missions, with only a few hints about the main plot strewn here and there. Unfortunately, not only is Kiddy Grade extremely slow in even getting to this main plot, but the standalone episodes prove to be a mess of poorly edited stories that leave an extremely unsatisfying aftertaste. An episode may be at the centre of the action one minute, only to suddenly jump to a “by the way, everything was resolved while you weren’t looking” scene; the result is that even potentially entertaining stories become transformed into pointless throwaway segments.

…Tailed off a little in the middle…
The mid-section of Kiddy Grade is actually the best part of the series, but that does not mean it is without fault. This is the point where the promised main plot finally comes to the fore, as the sealed memories from Éclair’s previous life start to emerge, and she and Lumiere are forced to go on the run from their own organisation.

In principle, this should be a worthy storyline, but yet again the series is plagued by poor editing and no small amount of indecision. As it turns out, the ES members are cyborgs who have lived many lives, their consciousness transferred from body to body through the abilities of their boss, Eclipse (as leads, Éclair and Lumiere get a new look each time this happens, but everyone else seems to stay the same) Éclair, however, became so overcome with the burden of the things she had done in those previous lives that she had her memories erased, only for them to return alongside her true destined powers (you can’t be the lead unless you have ridiculously high power levels compared to anyone else).

The main problem with these revelations is that they simply aren’t presented to us in a clear and coherent way- it’s almost as if we are expected to know many of these facts without a full explanation. And instead of ever clarifying the ideas that are presented, the series chooses to move on and throw in some other plot twist, suddenly mentioning that character A actually has special powers, or some secret agenda that will string the plot out for a few more episodes.

…The less said about the ending, the better
It is in its final stages, however, that Kiddy Grade finally loses all claims to worth. The concluding arc begins with Alv and Dvergr coming forth as main bosses, stealing Éclair and Lumiere’s physical appearances, and taking over the directorship of GOTT. Naturally, the real Éclair and Lumiere come forth to combat them, in a series of episodes that involves a lot of wandering around in a forest with the enemy trudging along a short way behind them.

Naturally, such shallow evil cannot last in the face of the slightly less shallow forces of good, and after a series of battles in which everyone’s unique powers are revealed to be an identical ability to fire energy blasts and control generic “nanomachine mists”, Alv and Dvergr are defeated. By all rights, the series should have ended there, but with 24 episodes to fill, the writers were forced to come up with a pointless final arc to round things off.

In true final boss tradition, this final arc has Alv and Dvergr show up again and steal a giant spaceship, so that Alv can combine with the spaceship and become an oversized opponent worthy of the final battle. For the next few episodes, everyone gets a chance to put in a generic attack before leaving it to the destined main characters to finish things off- and conveniently enough, Lumiere discovers that she has just the ability needed to save the day. And in case anyone were to accuse Alv of being a generic villain, it is revealed that she was given a hard time at the hands of the evil nobles, and that Dvergr is actually her mother (after all, anyone with a family can’t be all bad).

Thus concludes Kiddy Grade, a series filled with squandered story potential and undeveloped cast members- perhaps one of the more extreme examples of Gonzo’s ‘style over subtance’ tendencies. And with such poor beginnings, can there be much hope for a worthy second season?

Building a better cyborg: suggestions for a better Kiddy Grade
Despite its numerous flaws, Kiddy Grade did in fact have some measure of potential, hence I have created a first draft for an improved version of the story. This version will also see increased character development for all ES members, with character-based episodes spread throughout the series.

Part One- Training: New recruit Éclair begins her ES member training, with Lumiere as her partner and supervisor, Sinistra and Dextera as instructors, and Armbrust and Mercredi on the faculty. Éclair is not always happy to be ordered around by someone as young as Lumiere, but with her supervisor’s obvious skills, she cannot complain too much.

Although her academic abilities are not particularly outstanding, Éclair shows an especial talent for physical training, almost as if she has had some prior experience elsewhere. Éclair claims that everything here is new to her, but every night she has intense dreams of missions with Lumiere and the others- missions that she cannot possibly have been a part of. Putting it down to excitement about her new job, Éclair says nothing about this to anyone.

Whilst Éclair continues her training (befriending Viola and Cesario on the way), Armbrust and Mercredi keep a close eye on her. Eventually, Armbrust makes a report to some shadowy superiors, claiming that there is no sign that the memory seal has been breached. The superiors are pleased about this, even suggesting that the seal could be used more often to keep the cyborgs more pliable.

Part Two- In the Field: Having finished her training, Éclair is assigned to the field, with Lumiere as her partner. As the pair complete various missions for the GOTT, they come to meet more active ES members- Tweedledee and Tweedledum, Alv and Dverger, and A-ou and Un-ou. Unfortunately, as the excitement of her new work wears off, Éclair begins to notice some morally dubious motives behind some of the missions, and wonders just who benefits from their work. She tries to persuade Lumiere to apply her extensive computer skills to the question, but Lumiere is extremely reluctant, telling her that no good can come of snooping around.

Things come to a head, however, following a conflict on a planet containing critical GOTT facilities. Feeling that she knows a way to defuse the situation, Éclair requests that she be assigned to it, but is told that a different department will be handling it. Forcing Lumiere to look into this more closely, Éclair discovers that the proposed plan of action will involve the death of millions, and resolves not to stand back. Turning rogue against their own agency, Éclair and Lumiere head to the planet to see what they can do.

Naturally, other ES members are sent to apprehend them, but after a fraught battle, Éclair and Lumiere win Viola and Cesario over to their side. Promising to stall anyone else who comes after them, Viola and Cesario tell Éclair and Lumiere to continue onwards towards their destination.

Once on the planet, Éclair seems oddly drawn to a particular facility (officially labelled as a hospital for ES members and other high ranking GOTT officers), claiming that the answer to everything lies there. The pair go ahead and break into the facility, but what they find there reveals a disturbing truth. This place is the answer to the enhanced abilities and longer life spans of ES members- rather than being a mere hospital, it is a facility for the creation of enhanced clones. Given the toll their abilities take on their bodies, ES members actually have shorter life spans than the average human, and thus instead of receiving the regular check-ups they are officially reported to have, their memories and experiences are transferred into new bodies grown just for the task. In this way, a worthy ES member need never die.

As she sees all this, Éclair feels something inside her snap, and memories come flooding back. This isn’t the first time she has lived as an ES member- before coming for her recent training, she was an experienced officer. Unfortunately, Éclair had already come to find out about this facility once before, and was captured for knowing too much. Unwilling to lose one of their best officers, however, the authorities decided to transfer only selected memories to a new clone, hoping to retrain her and put her back in the field. As it turned out, they could not erase all the traces of her past life, which have haunted Éclair ever since she rejoined the ES.

Having realised all this, Éclair decides that the truth must be known, and with Lumiere’s help, she downloads evidence about the facility. Armbrust and Mercredi are sent to stop them, but despite Armbrust’s arguments that the truth is best kept hidden, Éclair insists that it be brought out into the open, hoping that it will the first step towards exposing the corrupt elements of the GOTT. With some last minute help from Viola and Cesario, Éclair and Lumiere are able to escape with the evidence, and they arrange for its broadcast across the galaxy.

Part Three- Galactic Conflict: Unfortunately, Éclair’s well-intentioned actions have an adverse effect- upon learning of this key to immortality, the galaxy is thrown into conflict, with some factions claiming that it should be made available to all, and others declaring that it is an abomination that defies the will of God. As wars begin to break out of control of this technology, the corrupt and shadowy elements of the GOTT are brought out into the open, but at a cost far higher than anyone anticipated.

In the hopes of bringing an end to the very conflicts she precipitated, Éclair decides that the only way forward is to destroy the facility once and for all. Unfortunately, the place is now highly guarded by skilled ES members- with Alv, Dvergr, Armbrust and Mercredi on the front lines. With this in mind, Éclair and Lumiere set out to reunite the now-unaligned ES members, persuading Tweedledee, Tweedledum, Viola, Cesario, Sinistra, Dextera and even former boss Eclipse to put aside their personal issues and take to the front lines once more.

In a final assault that sees the deaths of several key characters, the cloning facility is destroyed, and although there will be no changes overnight, Éclair hopes that the galaxy will turn away from conflict and begin rebuilding itself. Several ES members resolve to use their remaining time to build a better GOTT, but Éclair decides that she has had enough, and decides to live out the rest of her lifespan (which may be anything from a few days to a few years) on a quiet planet, away from conflict.

Everything seems to have ended well, but even as the rebuilding commences and Éclair enjoys her final days, at a distant location, Mercredi reports in to her surviving bosses. A backup of the cloning data is hidden on a barren planet, and once the research is uncovered, they can use it to further a new regime…