In the floating city of Neo Verona, the Capulet family ruled peacefully- until the night Lord Montague massacred them and took control of the city for himself. Unbeknownst to him, however, the surviving friends and retainers of the family take it upon themselves to rescue Capulet’s daughter Juliet and raise her in secret, all the while keeping her unaware of her true heritage. Now, fourteen years later, Juliet has finally come of age, and so the time has come for her to learn the truth- and hopefully lead an uprising against Montague’s increasingly cruel regime. Juliet, however, has other concerns, for she has just met a young man named Romeo- and it is only after she starts falling in love with him that she learns he is the son of her enemy Montague.

Romeo and Juliet is that one Shakespeare play that everyone knows almost inside out- if you haven’t studied it in school, then chances are you’ve been subjected to one of the many adaptations, from the old 70s film where all the protagonists wore hilariously awful costumes to the more recent effort involving Leonardo di Caprio. With the market for the world’s most famous tragic love story so flooded already, there hardly seemed room to pack in an anime series as well, but despite their amazingly poor track record at adaptations, Gonzo decided to give it a shot.

As it turned out, they might as well not have named the series “Romeo X Juliet” at all- Ryutaro X Jun would have done just as well. Yes, there were two tragic lovers from opposing families, but wasn’t the original set in the distinctly land-based city of Verona, rather than the floating continent of Neo Verona? Certainly the original didn’t have magical trees, flying horses and the perplexing presence of Shakespeare himself within the play; nor did the original Juliet don a cape and mask and fight for the rights of the oppressed peasants under the alias of the ‘Red Whirlwind’. Alterations were the order of the day, but at first, that didn’t matter- if you forgot its origins and just treated it as another anime series, the whole thing seemed like a mildly entertaining romantic fantasy.

Unfortunately, things soon took a downward turn when it became clear that instead of throwing the original plot out of the window in favour of a new one, Gonzo didn’t actually have anything much to offer in the story department. For fear of moving too fast and thus running out of story, characters dithered around for episodes on end, going round in circles and never experiencing any real development. Juliet was meant to be leading an uprising, but the time was never right, whilst Romeo only managed to get himself sent out to some distant mines before ultimately taking up a farming career. Fascinating stuff, to be sure.

By the time the plot did take off, however, not only was it in the last few episodes, but it was such a half-hearted attempt at anything resembling a story that you ended up wishing they hadn’t bothered. Whilst good finally rose up and defeated evil with a remarkable ease that made it plain they could have done so any time in the series, poor Juliet found out that her destiny was to save the world by turning into a tree. I truly and honestly wish I was joking, or that I could at least report that she avoided this fate, but alas, it was not to be. I know the minds at Gonzo have come up with laughably poor endings before, but this must take some sort of record.

As well as the titular Romeo and Juliet, the series is packed with supporting characters, both loosely based on those from the original play or just made up for the occasion. Don’t expect much in the way of development, however- most characters are as simplistic and one-dimensional as they come, with the writers’ idea of fleshing them out being to information dump a typical “mother died and father disappeared, so I became evil” back story on us. The only vaguely interesting character is Capulet cousin Tybalt, and even his appeal is largely because of his brooding good looks and black Pegasus.

If there’s one thing Gonzo are known for delivering (often to the detriment of all else), it’s visual quality- and RxJ is no exception. Neo Verona itself must truly be an example of architecture porn- beautifully rendered buildings and streets are packed into every corner, and even though more rural locations such as the Gradisca mines are necessarily less attractive, they are still technically very competent. Character designs are less extravagant but still well done for the most part, although as the series progresses there seem to be an increasing number of budget-saving episodes where everyone becomes simplistic and ugly. Background music is largely forgettable, whilst the OP (a Japanese version of “You Raise Me Up”) will only appeal to those with a penchant for overdramatic ballads.

Final Thoughts
I’m not sure whether an animated adaptation of Romeo and Juliet would ever have been taken seriously, but Gonzo seemed determined to ensure that even those who would have given it a chance could find little good to say about it. With its bland characters and lazy approach to plot development, there was certainly little incentive to do anything other than stare at the beautiful architecture of Neo Verona.
Tier: White

Juliet: No! I don’t want to turn HARD YURI!

Meanwhile, Francisco, Curio , Conrad and Tybalt are stuck outside.

Francisco: It looks like we aren’t even important enough to be allowed into the final area.

Tybalt: I hate to say it, but the time has come to accept our accursed roles as supporting characters. All we can do is carry out useless time-filling tasks whilst we wait for Romeo and Juliet to resolve the plot.

Romeo prepares to confront Ophelia.

Romeo: What have you done to Juliet!?

Ophelia: She’s mine now.

Romeo: Shut up! The series is called Romeo X Juliet, not Ophelia X Juliet!

Ophelia: We’ll see about that.

Escalus closes Ophelia and Juliet away from Romeo. As she does so, Neo Verona begins to fall apart.

Shakespeare: No! If the world falls apart, we’ll all die horribly, but more importantly, there will be no more stories!

Ophelia begins the incantation necessary to turn Juliet to WOOD.

Ophelia: Oh, foolish star of the worst adaptation of Romeo and Juliet to appear so far, absolve thy sins by becoming inoffensive WOOD!

Romeo: Stop! It wasn’t that bad a series!

Juliet is taken into Escalus’ trunk.

Conrad: Why is this happening? This has to be one of the worst anime endings ever, and that’s saying something!

Ophelia: Damn, she’s resisting and I don’t know why! Who wouldn’t want to become WOOD?

Romeo: Well, pretty much anyone, I should think.

Ophelia: Shut up!

Ophelia moves to attack Romeo, but Curio, Francisco and Tybalt appear just in time to rescue him.

Tybalt: Ah, having something to do in the final feels great!

Ophelia: How dare you supporting characters come in here!?

The four men begin battling Escalus and Ophelia. Romeo makes his way to Juliet and calls to her, causing the tree to burst open.

Romeo: Juliet! Let’s make this a happy ending!

Ophelia: The final boss battle isn’t over yet! Begin Phase Two!

Ophelia becomes completely WOODEN and combines with Escalus to attack Romeo.

Romeo: Cutscene power!

Romeo stabs Ophelia, shattering her. Unfortunately, he is also stabbed by WOOD, and falls into Juliet’s arms.

Romeo: Juliet.

Juliet: Romeo.

Romeo: Juliet!

Juliet: Romeo!

Romeo: I can’t speak your name anymore- the director has forbidden it. Farewell.

Romeo dies.

Juliet: Damn you, Gonzo, why did you have to change everything else and still keep the tragic ending? Now there’s no choice but for me to become WOOD!

Juliet transforms into WOOD, safely bringing Neo Verona down to rest in the sea instead of floating unrealistically in the air. In the months afterwards, all the named characters find happiness- Cordelia and Benvolio have a child, Vittorio becomes mayor, Tybalt and Petruchio’s siblings have HORSE with Cielo, Cielo and the female HORSE have a foal, and so forth. And that, as they say, is that.

Romeo: Juliet, I now declare that you are Grand Duchess of Neo Verona. Use your main character power to save the people whilst I go back to the village to continue my Harvest Moon dreams.

Generics cheer as the Capulet banner is raised.

Generics: Hooray! This will probably make little difference to our inoffensive, generic lives, but let’s cheer anyway!

(Cordelia: This must mean the series is coming to an end soon! I’m so glad!)

Whilst everyone rejoices, Romeo visits his father’s corpse.

Romeo: Father, you need never force young men to have HARD GAY with you again.

Tybalt enters.

Romeo: Who’s there?

Tybalt: Romeo, I am your brother! …Ahem, sorry about that. Anyway, I’m just here to ask what your screen time plans are for the next couple of episodes- you know, just in case there was anyone close to you who you’d like to give some attention to.

(Tybalt: Come on- take the hint and give me something important to do onscreen.)

Romeo: Well, you know, I really love Harvest Moon so I’m going to give all my screen time to Juliet whilst I go and farm. But if you want something to do, why don’t you go and give HORSE to the siblings of a minor character named Petruchio?

Tybalt: You idiot! I want a proper plot role, not wasting my HORSE on generics! And besides, don’t you even know that Juliet is going to become WOOD?

Romeo: WOOD? That’s an awful ending- I must stop her!

Whilst tremors shake the Keep, Tybalt and Romeo run to find Juliet.

Romeo: Why did this have to be a falling rocks level? Those are so 2006!

A convenient hole in the floor separates Romeo and Tybalt, ensuring that only Romeo can progress.

Tybalt: Damn, even the plot is telling me that I haven’t got an important role! Go on ahead, Romeo!

Romeo continues onwards and catches up with Juliet.

Romeo: Juliet, why didn’t you tell me about this whole WOOD thing? I turned STRAIGHT for you!

Juliet: Stay away- this is my plotline!

Romeo: The title of the show is Romeo X Juliet- we both have equal importance in plot matters!

Juliet: Romeo, don’t you understand? This is the point where I pretend not to love you so that you’ll leave me alone!

Romeo: I know that, but I still have to go after you or the director will get mad at me!

Juliet: You idiot- it’s the director who wants me to become WOOD!

Romeo: Maybe he’s just saying that so that you’ll do the opposite- you know, reverse psychology!

Juliet: I can’t take that chance!

Romeo and Juliet draw their swords and start fighting.

(Juliet: I had hoped it wouldn’t come to this- I’m still Level One!)

(Romeo: Why did I let myself get drawn into this? Now she’ll find out that I’m only Level One!)

As they fight, Juliet is overwhelmed by the power of flashbacks and ends up dropping her sword. Romeo briefly kisses her, before Escalus rises up, destroying much of the cavern and separating the couple just as Conrad, Curio, Francisco and Tybalt fly down.

Ophelia: There is no escape from the power of WOOD!

Juliet’s armour bursts open and she sprouts wings.

Juliet: Romeo, save me from the WOOD!

Tybalt: Romeo, much as I hate to admit it, you are the main character. Take up your sword and save her whilst we all stand around doing nothing.

Romeo: Got it.

Romeo runs after Juliet.

Romeo: Juliet!

Ophelia: Stay back, boy- she’s mine now!

Ophelia kisses Juliet.

Romeo: JULIETTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!

To be continued…

Tybalt: Juliet, I must have some kind of plot role to justify my existence- therefore I must insist that I be the one to kill Montague.

Juliet: Hatred and anger is wrong- the only way out of this situation is for me to become WOOD.

Tybalt: WOOD?

Juliet: Yes- and so I won’t be here to give Romeo STRAIGHT. Could you perhaps educate him in the ways of HARD GAY?

(Tybalt: Oh great- just what I wanted to hear.)

Juliet: Well, I’m off to become WOOD now…yes, I’m just on my way…don’t try to stop me…unless of course you really want to…I’m going now…in just a moment I’ll be gone for good…

Tybalt: See you.

Meanwhile, Romeo visits Portia.

Romeo: Hello Mother, I’m just off to kill Father.

Portia: Romeo, that isn’t a very heroic thing to do, is it? Why not let an unredeemable character like Tybalt do it instead?

Romeo: I probably won’t actually do it, of course, but it’s important for the hero to at least show up at the final boss battle.

Romeo leaves. Back home, Juliet dresses in red armour.

Emilia: Hey Juliet, I hope you’re not finished dressing as Odin- I like you best that way.

Cordelia: Why would she need to cross-dress now that everyone knows she’s a woman?

Emilia: I thought she was doing it for Pleasure reasons.

Juliet goes out to address her troops.

Juliet: Generics, go forth and spend your HP so I don’t have to!

Juliet and her allies have group HORSE on the way to Neo Verona Keep. Meanwhile, various denizens of the keep are fleeing.

Soldier: Shouldn’t we be doing something evil like killing them?

Tubal: What’s the point? The series is almost over and we’re bound to lose anyway. Let’s just put our feet up and collect our paycheque at the end of it.

Whilst everyone runs away, Mercutio drags himself along the corridors.

Mercutio: All I ever wanted was to be an important character! Now both generics and main characters hate me, and I have nowhere to go!

Meanwhile, Montague continues to sit in his villain’s chair.

(Montague: I regret nothing- if I had my time again, I would do everything exactly the same! Except this time, I wouldn’t let even a single grapevine escape my notice!)

Tybalt enters.

Tybalt: I’m here to initiate the pointless pre-final boss battle in which I must inevitably lose!

Montague: And, er, who are you again?

Tybalt: Montague- you are my father!

Meanwhile, Juliet and her allies confront Tubal and the Keep soldiers.

Juliet: We wanted to fight you, but to be honest we don’t have the time or budget for that now, so can we just skip to the part where you surrender to us?

Tubal: Yeah, sure, why not?

Tubal opens the Keep gates for Juliet and her increasingly badly drawn allies to enter. In the throne room, Romeo walks in as Tybalt attacks Montague.

Tybalt: Go away! I’m going to kill him!

Romeo: No way- I should be the one to kill him!

Montague: Damn you, grape lovers!

Juliet and the others enter.

Conrad: Wait a moment- save some for us!

Juliet: Everyone, he’s a boss and not worth any EXP! Let’s just exile him so that he can make up some evil schemes for the sequel- RxJ II: Montague Strikes Back.

Montague: I thought that, with a strong enough will, I could eradicate grapes, but it was not to be.

Montague swings his sword but does not strike anything. Then, from out of nowhere, Mercutio appears to stab him from behind with a poisoned grape juice soaked dagger.

Mercutio: This is the only way I can ensure that everyone remembers me!

(Romeo: Oh no- a random stranger just showed up and stabbed my father!)

Montague: I can feel the grape juice entering my body…it burns…

Montague collapses.

Mercutio: I did it! I’m a hero!

Tybalt: I don’t know who you are, but get out- this gathering is for named characters only.

Mercutio wanders away, laughing maniacally.

Montague: Why did things turn out this way? Where did I go wrong?

Montague dies.

To be continued…

Ophelia: Yes, the time has come for you to have TREE with Escalus and thus turn into one yourself, proving the superiority of WOOD over mere flesh.

Juliet passes out, and awakens later by herself.

Juliet: Must I really sacrifice myself for the sake of a load of generics? Is becoming WOOD the answer?

Meanwhile, the city has been badly damaged. Mercutio addresses some soldiers.

Mercutio: Why are you all standing around? We need to prepare the bedchamber for the Grand Duke!

In the city, Francisco and Curio give HARD GAY to various generics.

Curio: Take all the injured ones away- we only want able men here!

Francisco: There are more men than I anticipated- this could be an all-nighter.

The first fires are spotted.

Francisco: Damn, now these fires are going to interfere with our Pleasure plans!

Curio: I’ll go and put them out at once- the only flames I need are ones of passion.

Romeo and Montague watch the spreading fires from the Keep.

Montague: Gwakaka, this will teach those grape lovers! Watch as your fruit burn!

Romeo: Father, are you really burning your own city?

Montague: Silence, fool! Those generics and their grape-stained fingers deserve it!

Romeo: Damn you! Even Darth Vader was a better father figure than you!

Tybalt watches the proceedings from his HORSE.

Tybalt: Hmm, we’re getting close to the end- I wonder if I’ll have any discernible plot role whatsoever.

As Mercutio and the soldiers set the city on fire with flaming HORSE, Romeo confronts them on his generic HORSE.

Romeo: You, whatever your name is, HORSE isn’t meant to be used for destruction! It is the ultimate form of Pleasure!

Mercutio: I’ll show you the ultimate Pleasure! Aerial HARD GAY!

Mercutio tries to give Romeo Sword, and they both plummet to the ground in the throes of HARD GAY.

Romeo: I don’t know who you are, but stop this madness at once!

Mercutio: You’ll never understand the pain of having so little screen time and development!

Romeo: If you’d just tell me your name, maybe I can help you.

Mercutio: Damn you! I’m off to find a series where I can shine!

Mercutio runs off. Meanwhile, Juliet is helping generics when Romeo swoops in on his HORSE to save a little girl from a falling keystone.

Romeo: Juliet, I have completely given up HARD GAY- all I want now is STRAIGHT with you.

Juliet: You were HARD GAY?

Romeo: Anyway, I have to go now- unspecified plot events and all. See you later.

Romeo runs off. After all the commotion is settled, Juliet meets up with her allies and they return to their base.

Conrad: Damn that Montague! Is he trying to set himself up as a final boss?

Francisco: We’ve spent twenty-one episodes doing barely anything- perhaps now is the time to take action.

Conrad: Yes, we must attack at once!

Meanwhile, Cordelia brushes Juliet’s hair.

Cordelia: You know, us supporting characters have had development too- for example, even though our relationship was barely starting out last time we were onscreen, now he wants us to live together!

Juliet: He does? Go for it!

(Cordelia: Damn, I shouldn’t have exaggerated so much- now I have to go through with it.)

The next thing we know, Benvolio and Cordelia are having a wedding ceremony.

(Juliet: I’m so happy that I feel like having a budget-saving Flashback Mode!)

We see brief clips of events throughout the series.

(Juliet: I’m sorry, Romeo, but it looks like I must offer myself up to WOOD at the end of the series. I hope you can be happy with HORSE and HARD GAY instead of STRAIGHT.)

To be continued…

Romeo: How can this be happening? I followed all the instructions in the manual!

Giovanni: Looks like we bought a special edition of Harvest Moon with more challenging requirements.

Romeo: Well then, we’ll just have to reset and start a new game.

(Romeo: And I’m going to find that guy who gave me those ‘magical’ seeds! I can’t believe I fell for one of the oldest tricks in the book!)

Romeo heads out to the woods to find the old man.

Romeo: Hey, what’s the deal with those magical seeds that were supposed to grow anywhere? My whole crop just failed!

Old Man: Look, it’s not my fault, okay- the world is ending!

Romeo: Really? My apologies, I didn’t realise.

(Old Man: Sucker!)

Romeo returns to the village.

Giovanni: Bad news, Romeo- lots of viewers have written in to complain about how boring this farming arc is. They want you to go back to Neo Verona.

Romeo: But I wanted to complete Harvest Moon!

Giovanni: Then let me put it this way- if you stay here, no one will have HARD GAY with you. There’s no point having Pleasure without a good partner now, is there?

Romeo: Fine, then I’ll go back to Juliet and STRAIGHT!

Romeo gets a HORSE from nowhere and flies back to Neo Verona. Meanwhile, Juliet and her allies are having a meeting.

Conrad: This is great- we can just stand and chat in this room whilst increasing numbers of generics pledge themselves to our cause! This is the easiest revolution ever!

Francisco: Even so, it must be very tiring for a level one useless figurehead like Juliet- my Lady, you really ought to get some rest.

(Francisco: Once we get the woman out of here, we can have wild HARD GAY!)

Juliet returns home with Antonio and Benvolio’s parents, where they find Benvolio and Cordelia in the kitchen.

Benvolio: And today on Benvolio in the Kitchen, I show you how to roast a bird!

The next day, Romeo arrives at the gates of the city, but is turned away by generics.

Generics: Go away! We won’t give up our meagre share of screen time to anyone!

Romeo: But you’re just generics! Can’t you see how insignificant you are compared to me?

Juliet arrives.

Juliet: Let him go- you have no right to treat a main character in this way!

Romeo: Juliet, I am sure I can end the pointless fighting- all I need to do is show my father how tasty grapes are.

Juliet: Very well- go ahead.

At the council chamber, the nobles discuss the situation.

Tubal: The city has become infested with grape lovers! The moment we open the gates of the Noble’s Quarter, we will all be splattered with fruit!

Montague: Unacceptable! I move to burn the city to the ground!

Only Mercutio supports the motion.

Montague: What is wrong with you people that you can’t even agree to such a logical suggestion?

Montague goes to fetch a sword before proceeding to murder the chairman.

Montague: Look at this- the red stuff that flows from his veins must be grape juice! This man is clearly a traitor! Now then, who votes that we burn down the city?

Naturally, everyone now supports Montague. As the nobles leave the council, Romeo confronts his father.

Montague: Ah, Romeo, if you’ve come to give me HARD GAY, it’s too late- I already have a willing partner.

Mercutio: Yes, that’s right- he adopted me!

Romeo: And…who are you again?

Mercutio: Damn you!

Montague: Mercutio, go and wait in my bedchamber- oh, and prepare the whips.

Mercutio: Y-yes sir.

Mercutio leaves.

Romeo: Father, as a villain you will inevitably be defeated! Step down now and avoid that ignominious fate!

Montague: Gwakakaka, what do you know about being a villain!? I won’t rest until every last grape is squeezed of its juice!

Montague takes Romeo to see Escalus, but they are interrupted by an earthquake.

Curio: Francisco, the earth is moving- and this time I don’t think it’s because of your HARD GAY!

Meanwhile, Opehlia appears to Juliet.

Ophelia: Juliet, the world is dying, and our only hope may be for you to become a new tree that can replace Escalus.

Juliet: A tree? Is that the best the writers can come up with?

To be continued…

Romeo: As you can see, it isn’t perfect- this one tiny field that holds all my livestock isn’t ideal, and my great plans to have everyone live here one day might be a teensy bit ambitious.

Juliet: I think it’s wonderful- although not as wonderful as you.

Romeo: Your lips are so soft!

Juliet: And your hands are so strong!

Romeo and Juliet have a Romantic Moment.

Juliet: I wish I could do this all episode, but apparently that would bore the audience senseless, so I have to go and do some plot-related things.

Romeo: There’s a plot?

Juliet and Curio prepare to leave on HORSE, but Curio grabs Romeo’s shirt.

Curio: Romeo, I had planned to punch you in the face for taking away my chance of becoming the main character, but now that I have found true love with Francisco, I no longer care.

Romeo: Good luck in overthrowing my father- I’ll just stay here and farm.

Juliet returns to participate in the play, which begins after Shakespeare has a spot of HARD GAY behind the curtain.

Francisco: Curio, let’s slip round the back and have HARD GAY while the play is on.

Whilst they do, a play that basically echoes the plot of the series with slightly changed names.

(Shakespeare: Some would say I have no imagination, but this is actually a cleverly disguised and subtle commentary about contemporary society.)

Francisco: Instead of raising an army, this play will help rouse generics to overthrow the country for us.

When it is Juliet’s turn to come onstage, she breaks from the script to enter as the Red Whirlwind.

(Juliet: This costume is symbolic of how far we’ve come since the early episodes.)

Juliet: In early episodes, I was weak and useless, but from now on, I will be a weak and useless figurehead for a revolution! Even the sword I carry is not for killing, but for a +5 SPD bonus for equipping it!

Generics: Hooray! We will become cannon fodder and follow you until the end!

After the play, Juliet talks to her named allies.

Juliet: I’ve decided on my course in life- I must overthrow Montague!

(Conrad: Took you long enough.)

Conrad: A worthy decision- I can see you’ve thought long and hard about this.

The next day, everyone gets HORSES from nowhere and flies off in battle garb. At the Keep, Montague is given a report.

Tubal: Sir, we hear that the grape supporters are making their move.

Montague: Gwakaka, I shall crush them all…like grapes!

Outside, generics throw roses at the soldiers.

Soldier: Not the roses- anything but that!

That evening, Francisco and Curio launch an attack on Montague’s hidden fortress.

Guard: How has this happened?

Francisco: It is the power of named characters!

Juliet’s party of unknown HORSE riders rides towards the walls of Neo Verona. The sight of her causes the generic townspeople to start throwing rocks.

Tubal: First roses and now rocks- these generics are formidable indeed!

The soldiers try to give ARROW to the HORSES, but they easily evade. Juliet and her allies comically kick the soldiers off the walls with their HORSES.

(Juliet: This will prevent needless killing.)

Juliet: Dramatic Entrance! Generics of Neo Verona, after this there are only six episodes left! We must get on with overthrowing Montague before the autumn season begins!

Tubal: Damn it! Soldier, shoot him!

Antonio: Juliet, look out!

The soldier fires an arrow straight at Juliet- does it hit her? Does Antonio take the arrow himself? No, it just harmlessly pierces her hat!

(Montague: Damn you, lover of grapes! I shall not be defeated!)

Francisco: What we need to do is somehow assemble a previously unmentioned group of HORSE cavalry for an all-out attack.

Conrad: So what we need to do is start recruiting generics.

Francisco: Yes- it’s only episode 18, so we have plenty of time to make arrangements.

A delivery of apples arrives, but beneath the apples are a pile of swords.

Conrad: Damn, why did we have to go short on apples just so they could fit in these pointless swords?

Juliet: Are you sure we should do this? I mean, if we fight, we might kill people!

Curio: I shouldn’t worry- at your level, you won’t be killing anyone.

At the abandoned village, Romeo hoes at the ground.

(Romeo: This is harder than it looked in Harvest Moon.)

Giovanni enters a house, and finds a broken puppet.

(Giovanni: Wow, this will keep me occupied for hours.)

Some generic prisoners arrive back with food. Giovanni picks up an orange.

(Giovanni: This should get my Liang in working order again.)

Romeo goes down to the river to get water, only to bump into the old man from several episodes ago.

Old Man: What are you doing here? You need to get on with the plot!

Romeo: But I’m trying to recreate the Harvest Moon experience!

Old Man: Why didn’t you say so? Here, take this bag of seeds. Plant them in hoed soil, and water them every day.

Romeo goes back to the village.

Giovanni: Hey, Romeo, did you really mean for us to make a life here? This place is abandoned, lacking in resources and entirely boring for the audience!

Romeo: But- but- I got some seeds!

Giovanni: Why didn’t you say so? Let’s get to work at once!

Back at the summer house, Emilia and Juliet practise a play not unlike the real Romeo and Juliet.

Shakespeare: What do you think of my new play? Thanks to its pro-grape sentiments, I could never have written it in Neo Verona, but here it will stir the hearts of many who enjoy their sweet taste.

Francisco: Interesting- we can use this to further delay any trace of real plot.

By the next day, everyone is being roped in to help with the play.

Curio: What’s this? Why have I been cast as Shakespeare’s HARD GAY lover, with actual HARD GAY scenes?

Francisco: Oh come on, it won’t hurt- you and I have done it many times before.

Shakespeare: Please lend my Liang your hands, Curio.

After practising the play, Curio and Francisco get some alone time.

Curio: Francisco, I have seen you looking at women and I need to ask- out of HARD GAY or STRAIGHT, which would you choose?

Francisco: Curio, I’ve never been able to find the words to say it, but you are the one I love!

Curio: And all the time you were teasing me and telling me to go after women was just how to hide how you feel?

Francisco: Yes! I only ever learned Sword, and I was always worried that I wasn’t good enough for you!

Curio: Francisco, every man learns through Hyper Self Pleasure- we just make up the rest as we go along.

Whilst largely pointless preparations for the play are made, Curio and Francisco celebrate the fact that their relationship is now official and Juliet models for a shampoo advert.

After handing out flyers for the play, Juliet talks to Antonio and Curio.

Antonio: Juliet, Romeo is only in the next village! Why don’t you just leave Angst Mode behind and go see him?

Juliet: I can’t! I must milk this angst for as long as possible!

Curio: Oh, for heaven’s sake just go!

Juliet: You’re right- I should go and see Romeo at once!

Juliet and Curio take HORSES over to Romeo’s village, which has magically been transformed into a place of prosperity. They are met by Giovanni and some generics.

Juliet: Wow, what a fine village!

Generic: Yes, Romeo showed us the Harvest Moon way of doing things. Now, where is he?

Generic 2: Ah, he must be in the church- he’s always going up there for Hyper Self Pleasure.

Juliet goes to find Romeo.

Juliet: Stop that Hyper Self Pleasure at once, Romeo- it’s time for our dramatic reunion!

To be continued…

Emilia: Wow, it’s episode seventeen and I’m still getting screen time! I thought I was going to be a one shot character!

Shakespeare: Can you shut up for a moment? I still can’t come up with a decent plot for this series!

At the mines, Romeo receives a message that he and the workers are not allowed to return.

Romeo: We aren’t? I thought my father would welcome us all with open arms.

Generic: What are we going to do? We’re all going to die, and worse yet, no one will even care!

Romeo: Nonsense, you have a main character with you! I know, why don’t we occupy the conveniently abandoned village? It’ll be like the beginning of our own farming simulation!

Conrad and the others arrive at the summer house.

Emilia: Hey, is that Odin over there? Why’s he dressed as a woman?

Juliet: It’s a long story, but basically I am really a woman- I just dressed as a man to satisfy Conrad’s fetishes.

Conrad: Here, Juliet, I have something for you- the sword that you left behind when you ran away, and that you can barely use anyway.

Juliet: I know I really messed up last time, but it’s later in the series now, so I’ll try to do things right.

Later, Antonio spots Camillo (previously spelt Camio) in town, and reports back to Francisco and Curio.

Francisco: Hmm, Camillo was the minor evil who thwarted our plans a while back- the writers must be really scraping the barrel. Anyway, we’d better go and find out what he’s doing.

Juliet: I’ll come too! Maybe I can stay in the back row and level up a bit.

Francisco, Curio and Juliet follow Camillo back to his house.

Camillo: Named characters! Why can’t you just leave alone and let me fade into one-shot obscurity?

Tybalt appears from upstairs.

Camillo: Tybalt, save me! I am your father!

Tybalt: You are far too ugly to be worthy of me. Now go away and let the camera have a close-up on my good looks.

Tybalt goes back to his room, and Juliet follows. She sees a picture of the Capulet family on the wall.

Juliet: Why do you have a portrait of the Capulets here? Are you related to them?

Tybalt: I’m glad you asked, for now I can relate my tortuous back story. You see, my Capulet mother died, and although my real father did not disappear, he turned out to be Duke Montague.

Back in Neo Verona, Montague unveils a new golden statue of the goddess.

Montague: Gwakaka, this pointless statue will reinforce my iron rule over the city! I could have spent the money on something more productive, but then I might be seen as benevolent!

Titus approaches.

Titus: Ah, good day, Montague. I just thought now would be a good time to remind you that I am the only one who knows about your true origins, thus making me an annoying and potentially dangerous threat that you will have to kill soon. Also, of late I have been having odd cravings for grapes.

(Montague: Damn you!)

Back at his home, Tybalt continues with his back story.

Tybalt: Just in case you thought that was enough of a twist, I also have something else to tell you. Montague is said to be the son of a prostitute. There’s a whole flashback arc right there.

At the Keep, Titus brings Mercutio to Montague.

Titus: Mercutio, from tonight onwards I am giving you to Montague- you will take the place of his son, and give him the regular HARD GAY Romeo never bothered with.

Mercutio: I will service you well, sir, er, I mean Father!

Montague: Speaking of which, what do you say to some ‘sword’ practice, Titus? I hear you were a quite skilled lover in your youth.

The two men get their ‘swords’ out, and Montague begins having violent HARD GAY with Titus.

Mercutio: Grand Duke! I never knew your appetites were so intense!

Titus: Help me! I prefer a gentler lover!

Montague: Shut up whilst I have a Flashback Mode about how my mother died and my grape-eating Capulet father disappeared, thus explaining why I have an intense hatred of all Capulets, and also ironically meaning that Romeo and Juliet are related!

Titus: Just eat a few grapes and you’ll calm down!

Montague: Never mention the name of that accursed fruit in front of me! I even endured HARD GAY at the hands of the Montagues so that I could kill their heir and take his place! Everything I have done has been for the eradication of Capulets and grapes! And now I must compound my evil by killing you!

Titus: Mercutio, save me!

Mercutio: Sorry, Father, but if I step in, my screen time might get cut short!

Montague fatally stabs Titus, before turning to Mercutio.

Montague: Will you still become lover, even after seeing how rough my HARD GAY is?

Mercutio: Y-yes! I’ll do anything for screen time; commit any act, no matter how perverted!

Montague: Then kneel before me and take my Liang.

Mercutio does so.

To be continued…

Hermione: I somehow magically heard that there was an accident in the mines! Do you think Romeo survived?

Mercutio: Unfortunately, he did, which puts paid to my plans of becoming the main character.

Hermione: Don’t say that! Juliet is the one we must get rid of, so that I can replace her. In fact, I shall go and do that right now!

Hermione rushes off to visit the mines. Meanwhile, Juliet’s party continues onwards to Ariel’s summer house.

Juliet: Enter Romantic Angst Mode! Ah, Romeo, how much I love you.

Francisco: God, this is so boring- at least you get to take the reins and have HORSE, Curio.

As Juliet’s HP has dropped through sitting in the carriage and angsting, the party takes a break. Antonio shows Juliet a cricket.

Antonio: Look, Juliet, a bug! Do you think I can become a Mushishi?

Juliet: Somehow, I doubt it.

Antonio: Oh. Well then, er- do you really love Romeo?

(Antonio: I have to find out if I’m still in with a chance.)

Juliet: Of course- I just hope that Gonzo writes us an ending where we live happily ever after.

Francisco and Curio watch from afar.

Francisco: You know, we could have avoided this whole mess if you’d just dated Juliet from the start.

Curio: I tried to think of her as a man, I really did, but even the cross-dressing could not disguise the fact that she had no Liang for HARD GAY.

Francisco: Didn’t you ever consider having BI?

Curio: I’m not interested in BI!

In order to prove his point, Curio tackles Francisco and begins having HARD GAY with him.

Francisco: Hey, you know I don’t like it when someone else is on top! I’ll be the ‘driver’ for the next session, if you get my drift.

At the Keep, Montague talks to Mercutio.

Montague: Mercutio, what do you think of your father? Has he ever expressed sympathies for grapes?

Mercutio: Well, I have to admit that he has been known to eat them.

Montague: In that case, I may have to ask you to dispose of him in exchange for more screen time.

(Mercutio: I always said I would do anything for more screen time, but can I really kill my old man?)

Whilst Juliet’s party finally reaches the summer house, Hermione single-handedly takes a carriage to the mines. Unfortunately, she is attacked by bandits on the way.

Bandit 1: Should we rough her up a bit?

Bandit 2: Nah, we’re not being paid enough for that- let’s just steal her carriage but leave her otherwise unharmed.

The bandits ride off in Hermione’s carriage.

Hermione: This is all Juliet’s fault! She’s taken every measure to prevent me from succeeding!

Hermione walks around for a while before hitching a ride on a carriage.

Carriage Driver: Hey, you have to pay for a ride, you know!

Hermione: Pay? I’m a named character!

Carriage Driver: Are you? I don’t see you here on the list of most important characters.

Hermione: What!? Fine, then take this Key Item Ruby Ring as payment.

Juliet, Curio and new character Reagan go into town to do some shopping. Juliet picks up a carrot.

(Juliet: The shape of this carrot reminds me of Romeo’s Liang.)

Hermione arrives in town, but her HP is low. Juliet comes over to see if she is all right.

Hermione: Stay away from me, hussy!

Hermione runs behind a carriage wheel and tries to attack with a small stone. Curio stops her.

Curio: Don’t do that- a small stone like that could KO Juliet!

Hermione: Then take this! Hateful Words!

Hermione shouts at Juliet, thus draining all her HP. She is taken back to the summer house.

Curio: Juliet, you should be careful; she’s Level One, more than a match for you.

Juliet: Sorry, but I fancy some HARD YURI.

Juliet washes Hermione, who wakes up some time later.

Juliet: Oh, hello, Hermione- I hope you don’t mind, but while you were asleep I took advantage of you.

Hermione: How dare you!?

Hermione grabs a knife that was sensibly left by her bedside and tries to stab Juliet. Juliet catches the blade with her hand.

Juliet: Wow, they said you were Level One, but you can’t be more than Level Zero!

Hermione: It’s all your fault! If you weren’t around, this could have been Romeo X Hermione!

Juliet: But I love Romeo!

Hermione: He’s my fiancé, bitch!

Juliet: I love him!

Hermione: Hmm, you must really love him.

The next morning, Hermione comes down to breakfast.

Hermione: Having accomplished precisely nothing, I have decided to go home again, thus negating the point of this entire episode. Farewell, losers.

Hermione leaves. Meanwhile, back in Neo Verona, Mercutio pays a visit to his wine-sipping father.

(Titus: If I sip wine, maybe I can become a villain.)

(Mercutio: I see grapes in that fruit bowl over there; Montague was right to suspect him.)

To be continued…