Lia confronts Louis.

Louis: Yes, I was the one who killed Lia, Marie and, er, what’s-her-name through intense STRAIGHT. That is why HARD GAY has abandoned me and left me to rot.

Meanwhile, Robin has a cross melted down and turned into bullets.

(Robin: These holy bullets will surely produce a heavenly BI experience.)

Robespierre: Killing the king will not put an end to HARD GAY- if we do not show the people that BI is a viable replacement, they will only long for more of the same.

Robin: Don’t worry- I will show them the strength of BI.

Robespierre: Good boy; now let’s go and have the BI to end all other BI.

Meanwhile, in Louis’ room…

D’Eon: Why did you have to kill Lia? Was she too popular a character to be left alive.

Broglie: Lia and Robespierre’s STRAIGHT was too dangerous- it threatened the HARD GAY fabric of France.

Louis: Although it was a distasteful thing to do, I had fatal STRAIGHT with Lia. When Robespierre learned of it, however, he realised the value of women and chose to forsake pure HARD GAY in favour of accursed BI.

D’Eon: Lia sacrificed so much in preparation for this series!

Louis: Indeed, and yet there is more exposition to reveal. For example, I am not truly of the royal bloodline, for it was prophesied that the true heir would be too HARD GAY for even France to handle. Thus, Maximilien and I were exchanged, but now it seems that I am not HARD GAY enough, for my dalliances in STRAIGHT have caused me to rot.

D’Eon: But Lia can open the Book of HARD GAY, and she is a woman!

Louis: Lia is one of the previous king’s illegitimate children; when I sought to separate from Maximilien, it was not so much from fear of STRAIGHT as a desire to avoid incest. Although that being said, I cannot help but be resentful towards STRAIGHT, for when I learned the truth of my lineage I always knew I would never truly escape it no matter how HARD GAY I tried to be. Look- I can’t even give myself Hyper Self Pleasure now.

Louis tries to give himself Sword, but he cannot.

D’Eon: Could you stop talking about yourself? This exposition is getting boring.

Robespierre, Robin, Giuseppe and Lorenza enter.

Robespierre: Stop prattling on about HARD GAY, old man- this is the era of BI!

Lorenza: Everyone is sick of this lengthy exposition! Let’s have a Psalm Battle!

Lorenza and Lia have a Psalm battle, but Lia is clearly stronger.

Robespierre: Lia and d’Eon in one body- I can no longer hold back the urge to have Sword!

Robespierre gives Lia-d’Eon intense Sword.

Robespierre: Let me give you Sword good enough to send you to the next world!

Just as it seems that Robespierre is about to kill Lia-d’Eon, the Book of HARD GAY opens and dispels his attack.

Robespierre: Could it be that HARD GAY is rejecting the concept of BI?

Suddenly, Gargoyle Saint-Germain bursts in through the window.

Robin: Saint-Germain! His corpse must be animated by his intense cravings for HARD GAY!

Lorenza: I will stop him with HARD YURI!

Saint-Germain resists Lorenza’s HARD YURI magic.

Giuseppe: In that case, let me satisfy his cravings with Sword!

Even Giuseppe’s Sword is not enough to stop Saint-Germain. Lia-d’Eon attacks next, but even s/he cannot stop Saint-Germain, who leaps onto Louis’ bed. Louis gives him Sword.

Louis: Yes, this is as it should be…how ironic that a corpse would be my last HARD GAY experience…

Saint-Germain is weakened.

Robin: Let’s all join in and have some CORPSE!

Robin gives Saint-Germain Pistol, which Lia-d’Eon follows up with Sword. The Sword shatters, but Saint-Germain is dispatched in a purple aura of HARD GAY.

Robin: Now to put an end to foul HARD GAY!

Robin tries to give Louis fatal Pistol, but his gun will not fire.

(Robin: Is my weapon rejecting the idea of HARD GAY now that I have had CORPSE and BI?)

Robespierre picks up the Book of HARD GAY and hands it to Robin.

Robespierre: Lia, the time is near to transform this Book of HARD GAY into a Book of BI. What do you say to that?

Broglie: HARD GAY forever!

Broglie gives Robespierre Sword.

Robespierre: Why didn’t you do this when I was a child? If only you had, I might have lived a life of HARD GAY, never wishing to seek out STRAIGHT or BI.

Robespierre causes Broglie to collapse.

Robespierre: Okay, the series is drawing to a close; let’s go outside to tie up the plot.

Robespierre, Robin, Lia-d’Eon, Giuseppe and Lorenza go outside, leaving Louis indoors.

Louis: Oh cruel plot, leaving me to rot in here alone!

Outside, Robespierre says farewell to his companions.

Robespierre: According to the director, my time here is up. Robin, you must continue spreading BI across Europe in my name.

Next, Robespierre talks to Lia-d’Eon.

Robespierre: I must go to the next world, for this plane of existence can no longer satisfy my intense BI cravings.

Robespierre dies; elsewhere, the Book of HARD GAY becomes the Book of BI, and Robin opens it. He sees a vision of BI before Lia-d’Eon interrupts him.

Lia: Robin, you can still go back to being a supporting character- just give me the Book of BI.

Robin: Haha, I have the Book, and you’re never getting your hands on it!

Lorenza and Giuseppe’s carriage conveniently comes by, and Robin jumps into it.

(Lia-d’Eon: Damn, I really wanted that Book.)

Older d’Eon begins to narrate as we see d’Eon burning his sister’s corpse.

Older d’Eon: On that day, I knew there were no more threats to my role as main character, but I also knew that the series had ended. All I could do was indulge in my fetish for women’s clothing and watch as Robin’s BI conflicted with Broglie’s HARD GAY. From then on, events proceeded as history dictated, whilst I went to England for BI with Queen Charlotte. And now, all I can do is make money by turning my story into an anime…

The end.

(Anna: I feel like I should run away, but I just can’t be bothered. What’s the point of living in a world where d’Eon doesn’t even know who I am, and my only offers of STRAIGHT come from old men and little boys?)

Louis gives Anna fatal Sword; a short while later, Broglie arrives.

Louis: For a moment there, my STRAIGHT impulses overcame me, but now that I am back to myself again, I can see that STRAIGHT is quite distasteful.

Broglie: From now on, leave all matters of STRAIGHT to me.

Robin arrives.

Robin: What have you done? STRAIGHT is the future, and you two have just tried to destroy it! Damn you!

Unable to control himself, Robin gives Broglie Pistol.

(Robin: What have I done? I’m trying to give up HARD GAY, but at the first sign of trouble the old instincts assert themselves.)

Robin runs away. Meanwhile, in his room, d’Eon reads about HARD GAY when Lia suddenly asserts herself.

D’Eon: Aagh, I can’t avoid it- I’m entering Flashback Mode.

D’Eon sees Lia and Robespierre on a boat to England.

Robespierre: Ah, another successful BI session complete. Hey Lia, your little brother must have grown up by now? If he’s as good as you in the bedroom, I wouldn’t mind meeting him when we get back to France.

Lia: d’Eon may not be a good choice of partner for you.

Robespierre: I bet you just want to keep him for yourself, don’t you? He can’t be that bad- I mean you’ve nominated him to become the main character if anything happens to you.

Lia: Well, I discussed it with the writers and they agreed that he was the best choice.

Robespierre: Fine- I didn’t really want BI with him anyway. You are all I need, Lia- I’m even ready to marry you and live a life of STRAIGHT.

Lia: I would like that.

Back in the present, d’Eon screams in pain.

D’Eon: Aagh, hideous STRAIGHT!

Elsewhere, Robin evades the royal guards.

Robin: Marie, Anna- if all the women in the series are killed, there can be no STRAIGHT!

Robespierre: STRAIGHT is a treacherous thing indeed- place your trust in it, and your partner is immediately killed. Come with me, and I will show you the wonders of BI.

Meanwhile, d’Eon is thrust into another Flashback Mode.

Robespierre: His Majesty has realised that you and I wish to abandon BI and embrace STRAIGHT together. He’s trying to prevent this by sending me to Russia, a land of rough HARD GAY.

Later, Lia is in church when Robespierre arrives.

Lia: I see you didn’t like the sound of Russian HARD GAY.

Robespierre: Well, I just happened to be in His Majesty’s bedchambers- quite by chance I assure you- when I stumbled upon this Book of HARD GAY. I can’t read it myself, so you must read it for me and tell me the secrets of HARD GAY.

Lia: Maximilien, we mustn’t! We promised to go STRAIGHT from now on!

Robespierre: Please, you must! Only by mastering HARD GAY can I hold my own in France!

Robespierre leaves the book with Lia, who opens it and is given a list of potential HARD GAY partners.

Lia: I must not let him see these techniques, or he will leave me forever.

Lia absorbs the teachings of the Book into herself, leaving its pages blank. She sends a letter to Robespierre telling him she cannot read the book, and that their STRAIGHT is over.

(Robespierre: HARD GAY, STRAIGHT…am I to lose it all?)

Back in the present, Robin follows Robespierre back to his room.

Robin: Why did you save me?

Robespierre: Why did you follow me? I think we both know that’s there an implicit attraction between us- and we both wish to act on those feelings.

D’Eon has his next Flashback Mode, in which Robespierre visits Lia at night.

Robespierre: Lia, I know you read the HARD GAY techniques in this Book! Why won’t you explain them to me?

Lia: This sort of HARD GAY is too dangerous to be attempted! No one should ever try it.

Robespierre: Don’t think that you will stop me from trying HARD GAY so easily. If need be, I will just experiment by myself.

When his Flashback Mode ends, d’Eon runs into the forest. He makes his way into town and visits the carriage driver from earlier episodes.

Driver: Are you back for more HARD GAY and HORSE?

D’Eon: That’s right, but please don’t mention HORSE so loud in public- I have a reputation to maintain.

Driver: Fair enough. So, you’re alone this time, eh? How are the others doing?

D’Eon: Well, one turned into a Gargoyle and died, another revealed himself to be evil and died, and the third one has disappeared, but overall, they’re fine.

Driver: Good to hear it.

After he gets into the carriage, d’Eon is thrown back into Flashback Mode. This time, Lia is summoned to see Louis and Broglie.

Louis: My important book of HARD GAY techniques has been stolen, and without it I cannot have a good night in the bedroom. Lia, you must retrieve it.

Broglie: I hear Robespierre has already hooked up with a Russian lover.

At the palace, Louis visits Broglie, who is in bed.

Louis: Broglie, I know I said I would sleep with you if we got the Book of HARD GAY back, but it seems that the pages with my favourite technique on them are missing.

Broglie: Don’t worry- my generic soldiers are searching for it even now.

Louis goes back to his room and looks through the Book.

Louis: Damn it, none of these other techniques excite me in the same way!

He rips out a page of the Book and throws it in the fire. As it burns, green splotches appear on his skin.

Louis: This must be HARD GAY’s punishment for having STRAIGHT and burning a page of the Book.

After getting dressed at home, d’Eon comes to the palace, where he hears that Anna has been killed.

(d’Eon: What is this? I never got to find out who Anna was!)

d’Eon visits Anna’s coffin, and opens it to look at her. He examines her body, even kissing her.

(d’Eon: Nope, doesn’t feel familiar at all. Anna, who were you?)

That night, d’Eon takes his Sword and goes to Broglie’s room.

Broglie: Sorry, boy, but I’m not interested in HARD GAY with you.

D’Eon: In that case, let us go to His Majesty.

Broglie leads d’Eon to Louis, who seems to be rotting.

Louis: You came back, but as you can see, you are a bit late for HARD GAY with me.

D’Eon: Lia Mode!

Lia: In that case, let’s just tie up loose ends and finish this series!

To be continued…

The year is 1742, and the body of Lia de Beaumont has just been found in a coffin floating down the Seine- and for her brother d’Eon, it signals the start of a journey. Possessed by Lia’s restless soul, he finds himself driven to find the cause of her death, and in so doing, he and his comrades find themselves travelling across Europe and uncovering conspiracies and agendas that permeate even the highest of authorities. Can d’Eon survive long enough to uncover the truth, or will he fall victim to mysterious powers possessed by the many forces seeking to advance their own agendas?

Every so often, a series will come along that produces an ‘obsession phase’- that is, a condition in which one becomes so enamoured of the title in question that its flaws, whilst apparent, pale against the general appeal it holds. Such was the case with Chevalier, a historical fantasy that took more than a few liberties with the events of eighteenth century France as it wove a tale of historical and fictional characters during a sort of compressed pre-Revolution era.

By all rights, the result should have been (and in many ways nearly is) a somewhat cheesy tale of swords, sorcery, clichéd characters, historical cameos and unnecessarily convoluted storylines that often went nowhere and made little sense. Indeed, many times Chevalier skirts perilously close to this realm, but some thread of inherent quality manages to keep it from going over the line every time. Perhaps it is the conviction with which the characters play their roles, investing passion and an air of gravity to the tale; perhaps it is just something as simple as the atmosphere set by the superbly produced OP- either way, instead of seeming laughable, Chevalier is transformed into a compelling and addictive tale that generally makes one want to gloss over its flaws rather than focus on them. The end result is so satisfying, in fact, that one almost wants more arcs- seeing France, Russia and England is far from enough when the likes of Austria and Prussia are just begging to be visited.

As mentioned above, Chevalier boasts an impressive cast of both fictional and historical characters, each of whom have well-defined personalities despite never really receiving much in the way of development. Aside from the unique combination of Lia and d’Eon, even characters who are given back story and the chance to grow over the course of the series generally only do so in the most predictable of ways. There are a handful with more complex motivations and agendas, such as the enigmatic Maximilien Robespierre, but unfortunately the actions of such characters often ultimately make little sense when analysed in depth over the course of the series.

Visually, Chevalier combines intricately drawn settings with somewhat low key but still technically adept character designs; unfortunately, however, the animation is not always up to par in every episode, with certain characters looking rather inconsistent as the series progresses (of course, this may be fixed in the DVD version). The OP and ED are powerful and memorable, but the rest of the background music is generally forgettable, although it does subconsciously add atmosphere to the series.

Final Thoughts
Whilst it is clearly a series that won’t appeal to everyone, those who fall under Chevalier’s spell will quickly find themselves addicted to this intriguing tale of “what just might have been happening alongside historical events”. If you have any interest in fantasy, drama and a dash of politics all presented in a historical setting, you must at least give it a chance.

Orleans runs away.

Teillagory: I did not want to die in throes of HARD GAY, but now that it has happened that way, it does not feel so bad. My son and my comrades are surely waiting to service me in Heaven.

Robin: TEILLAGORY!!!!!!!

D’Eon: Come on, let’s go. He will never give us HARD GAY again.

(d’Eon: Not that I need the old man now that I have BOOK.)

(Robin: I never knew that HARD GAY could be so dangerous. Maybe I was wrong to ever try it.)

Outside the room, Orleans finds himself surrounded by soldiers.

Orleans: Get away from here- I did not order Generic Sword!

Broglie approaches.

Broglie: You should not have spurned them so swiftly, Phillipe, for now you will never have HARD GAY again- not even with me. Look forward to spending the rest of your life in celibacy.

Orleans breaks down in tears.

At the Palace, Pompadour prepares to have SKULL with Belle, now revealed to be her daughter.

Pompadour: HARD GAY is everywhere, and my plans for STRAIGHT have been shattered- all I have left is SKULL.

Robespierre enters.

(Robespierre: Hmm, I’d like to try SKULL for myself.)

Robespierre: One Hit Kill!

Robespierre uses his magic to snap Pompadour’s neck. He retrieves the skull.

(Robespierre: This is strictly for research purposes.)

Outside, Saint-Germain confronts Marie.

Saint-Germain: Greetings, Marie, I have important plot information to impart. There is a way to remember Auguste from the H.O.M.O. club and spare him a life of HARD GAY. I know you must feel bitter that the king abandoned you for HARD GAY, and so surely you would not want him to follow the same path.

Marie: The king is worse of than I am, for he is now so hard up for partners that he must sleep with generics. I only wish that I had been successful in keeping him on the path of STRAIGHT.

Saint-Germain: Hmm, perhaps this cannot be settled with words after all. Commence Psalm Battle!

Both sides recite Psalms, but Marie gets the upper hand. As Saint-Germain is overpowered, Robespierre arrives.

Saint-Germain: Quick, Robespierre- kill the queen so that STRAIGHT will be weakened and HARD GAY will prosper!

Robespierre: Saint-Germain, you are not a worthy enough partner for me to save.

Between them, Robespierre and Marie strip Saint-Germain of his power.

Robespierre: Marie, the plot will soon have no further need of you- tread carefully.

Marie: His Majesty often came to this place for Hyper Self Pleasure- I never did find out why.

Robespierre: There are some embarrassing secrets that men never want women to discover.

Meanwhile, d’Eon and Robin hide out in a safe house.

Robin: Her Majesty said we should remain here for a while.

D’Eon: As the main character, I can’t just stay here whilst important plot events are happening!

D’Eon tries to get up, but he falls back down and drops the BOOK. Robin catches it.

Robin: I can hold the Book now- does that mean I am more HARD GAY than before? It must be because I killed Teillagory in the throes of passion.

D’Eon: Teillagory saved you, for if he had not taken your Gun, you would have had to bear the shame of having had HARD GAY with Orleans.

Robin: To be honest, I need time to think- I am not sure if HARD GAY is even the right future for me.

Lorenza and Giuseppe are in their room when a mark appears on Lorenza’s hand.

Giuseppe: Oh, it’s a text message from Saint-Germain. Let’s go.

They meet Saint-Germain inside a church crypt.

Saint-Germain: I’m feeling weak- hurry and bolster my strength with HARD GAY.

Lorenza: It seems the master has deemed you unfit for HARD GAY- try this BI instead.

Lorenza uses Psalm Power to give Saint-Germain deadly BI.

Saint-Germain: Aagh, the BI! It burns!

Saint-Germain is killed when the roof of the crypt caves in.

At the palace, Louis talks to Broglie.

Louis: Broglie, could you handle HARD GAY matters for me today? I wish to have one last STRAIGHT session with my wife.

Meanwhile, Robin has gone to see Marie.

Marie: Robin, I know you long to have STRAIGHT with me, but that must wait. In the future, you will be able to return to court, where I hope that you will help Auguste avoid turning HARD GAY and making the same mistakes his grandfather has.

That evening, the Dauphin asks Anna to stay behind when he goes to bed.

Dauphin: Anna, I’ve been told that I must avoid HARD GAY and stick to STRAIGHT- could you help me?

(Anna: I guess I might as well- it’s not like my fiancé d’Eon even seems to know who I am.)

That evening, Marie and Louis have dinner together.

Louis: It’s nice to have STRAIGHT once in a while.

Marie: This reminds me of the old days, when we were first married.

Louis: I almost wish I could go back to those days.

Marie gets the Book out.

Louis: Have you looked at the Book of HARD GAY?

Marie: Yes. I thought I might finally be able to understand HARD GAY if I did. Now I realise that its lure is impossible for a man such as you to resist.

Louis: Then you must drink this poisoned wine, so that the pain of waiting for me to turn STRAIGHT again can end.

Marie: Very well, but I must ask that you spare the two remaining main characters.

Marie drinks the wine.

Marie: My time in this series is over.

Marie dies. As Louis catches her body, Anna walks in on them.

Anna: I think I just saw something I shouldn’t have.

Louis: Ah, Anna, good timing- Marie has just awoken my appetite for a touch of STRAIGHT, but as you can see, I need a new partner.

Louis takes a sword down from the wall.

Louis: Ready for some Sword, Anna?

To be continued…

Orleans: Hmm, I think I shall have Cane with him.

Teillagory: I was hoping you’d leave it to me…er, I mean, I didn’t think you’d go to the trouble of servicing him yourself.

Orleans: I want to see his face when I give him a taste of Cane.

Orleans administers harsh Cane to d’Eon.

Teillagory: Careful, sir, the rest of us want to have a go later.

Orleans: Hmm, I always hate having to share a lover.

Orleans’ party takes d’Eon outside just as Robin joins the crowd that has gathered round.

Teillagory: There should be one more around here somewhere- capture him and you can all have generic Pistol!

(Teillagory: Gwakaka, once they get Robin out of the way I will finally become the main character!)

(Robin: This could be my chance to become the main character! I’d better run.)

At the palace, Anna receives a letter from d’Eon.

(Anna: What’s this? He’s writing as if he doesn’t even know who I am!)

As he searches for d’Eon, Robin encounters a guard.

(Robin: As a main character, I should start refining my HARD GAY skills by having Pistol with this generic.)

Robin has rough Pistol with the guard, knocking him out when he cries out.

Robin: Ah, that feels good…sorry, but this is payback for all those times Durand and the others used me as their whipping boy.

Robin hides outside another window. Inside, d’Eon is seated in front of the Book of HARD GAY. Teillagory enters.

Teillagory: d’Eon, open the book of HARD GAY and teach me some of its techniques. If you do that, you may yet live.

D’Eon: Teillagory, why did you betray the side of good?

Teillagory: I have always serviced Orleans- both he and the previous king were favourite HARD GAY lovers of mine. I thought I would be content to just live with the memories of the time I spent with them, but when I looked up, the world had moved on. Versailles had forgotten the ways of true HARD GAY, and descended into hideous things like STRAIGHT and BI!

D’Eon: What are you saying? Louis XV himself is HARD GAY, and as knights we should be proud to service him!

Teillagory: I’m sorry, but the king is weak- he even takes generics to his bed these days.

Robespierre appears outside.

Robespierre: There is no need for HARD GAY and Swords any more. I have found newer and better methods of Pleasure.

Robin: How can you say that?

An intruder alarm is raised by the generic guards, and Robin runs away. The camera pans down to Robespierre’s crotch as Robin jumps over the balcony.

Robespierre: We will meet again- I know you want my body.

Robespierre climbs into the room where Teillagory and d’Eon are talking.

(Robespierre: The old man is not worthy of my attention, but maybe I can seduce d’Eon.)

Robespierre places Durand’s sword on the table.

Robespierre: So what’ll it be, d’Eon- Sword or BOOK?

D’Eon: How dare you come in here and try to seduce me? I am the main character, you know.

Robespierre: And a startlingly attractive one, at that. I finally understand why Durand gave his life for you- you are truly worthy of learning the HARD GAY techniques in the Book.

D’Eon: I will never sleep with you!

Robespierre: Ah, I wouldn’t be so sure of that. It is what Lia wants, and deep down, I suspect that you want it too.

Robespierre places his hand on top of d’Eon’s.

Robespierre: I will see you again, d’Eon…

Robespierre leaves, and Teillagory follows.

Teillagory: Have you no shame- trying to seduce a man as soon as you meet him?

Robespierre: Once I too was imprisoned by such foolish things as honour and propriety, but no longer- now I just take whatever men I want. In time, everyone will do the same, and the world will be a better place.

Lorenza approaches.

Lorenza: Maximilien, it’s time for my BI session.

Robespierre: Ah, of course- turn around.

Robespierre writes letters on the back of Lorenza’s neck. She passes out from the Pleasure and Giuseppe conveniently appears to catch her.

Robespierre: I’m heading out to advance the plot- you two stay here until the story needs some minor minions of evil.

Teillagory, Giuseppe and Lorenza report to Orleans.

Orleans: Are you saying Robespierre was here? How dare he leave without having HARD GAY with me?

Teillagory: I’m sorry, sir, but we are running out of episodes in which to wrap the story up. Besides, you’ll soon have the chance to cross Swords with Louis himself soon enough.

Orleans: Good point…and in the mean time, I always have you, Teillagory. Here, throw out that broken old antique and use this new Sword to show me the ways of Pleasure.

Teillagory: Yes sir.

Meanwhile, Robin visits Marie for some quick STRAIGHT.

Marie: You have done well, my little knight. I am glad I chose you.

Robin: Not so much of the little, if you don’t mind. Anyway, now that d’Eon has been captured, I am the main character.

Marie: I am sorry, but that just won’t do. This series is called Le Chevalier d’Eon, and so you must rescue him. Don’t bother asking the king for help, though, as he is evil.

Elsewhere, Saint-Germain and Pompadour plot and scheme.

Saint-Germain: According to the Book of HARD GAY, Dauphin Auguste is my optimum HARD GAY partner. I have already branded him with the H.O.M.O. mark.

Pompadour: Oh, right.

(Pompadour: Weren’t we fighting to establish an era of STRAIGHT?)

That night, d’Eon decides to open the Book of HARD GAY.

(d’Eon: It can’t hurt just to take a look at the different techniques.)

d’Eon soon becomes absorbed in the book, whilst outside, revolutionaries wander the streets demanding HARD GAY for all. Teillagory talks to Orleans.

Teillagory: These are dangerous times- sir, you must move to safety lest you have to give Cane to many generics.

Orleans: What, and let you have Sword with them all? No thanks; I will stay here and get my share of HARD GAY.

Teillagory: Sir, it is too dangerous for you to have HARD GAY with generics on such a large scale- you could exhaust yourself.

Orleans: I just can’t depend on you not to leave me alone and doom me to a life of Hyper Self Pleasure!

Teillagory: Trust your men, sir- we will always be ready to service you.

D’Eon continues to read and make notes from the Book of HARD GAY when Robin bursts in.

(D’Eon: Damn, I was just getting to a good part.)

(Robin: I don’t want to rescue him, but it’s the only way to get Marie to have STRAIGHT with me again.)

Robin: Come on, we have to go!

Robin and d’Eon run down a long corridor into a room where Lorenza and Giuseppe await.

Lorenza: It’s mid-boss time! Now marvel as I force Robin to give d’Eon fatal Pistol!

Robin swings his Pistol towards d’Eon. Meanwhile, Marie visits Pompadour and hands her some documents.

Marie: These documents prove that you tried to steal additional screen time for yourself.

Pompadour: But the director said it was okay!

D’Eon prepares to have BI with Robin.

D’Eon: I’ll show you how a main character has BI! Lia Mode!

Lorenza grabs Lia-d’Eon from behind.

Lorenza: If you’re going to turn into Lia, I want in on the action!

Lia-d’Eon: I don’t need you- only BOOK!

Lia-d’Eon has BOOK.

Lia: Such intense BOOK- I can’t bear to watch!

Lorenza faints as Teillagory enters.

Teillagory: Throw down your Sword, d’Eon.

D’Eon: Do you mean to have your way with me?

Robin: Don’t do this! If you take him by force, it will stain the reputation of HARD GAY forever!

Teillagory: Be quiet, Robin- you are just jealous that you only have a Pistol.

Teillagory and d’Eon start giving each other violent Sword. Teillagory soon dominates.

(Robin: What is this? I feel strangely aroused.)

Orleans enters.

Orleans: Teillagory! Honestly, I go away for five minutes and you start having your way with another man.

Orleans picks up d’Eon’s sword.

Orlean: There’s still time for me to join in.

Robin gets his pistol out.

Robin: If he’s joining in, then so am I!

Orlean: Stay out of this; d’Eon is the one I want Sword with!

Robin: Damn you! I want to be the main character!

Robin tries to have Pistol with Orleans, but Teillagory intercepts.

To be continued…

(Durand: I’m off for some HARD GAY in Heaven, a place of Zhuge Liangs.)

Back in France, Louis writes down the name of the night’s lover.

Louis: And tonight, I choose Generic Advisor!

(Pompadour: Damn!)

Pompadour thinks back to a conference with Saint-Germain.

Saint-Germain: Even if we cannot turn Louis STRAIGHT, it is not the end of the world, for we still have the Dauphin.

Pompadour: I won’t sleep with one so long.

Saint-Germain: Consider it a request from me.

Later, Broglie talks to Marie.

Broglie: I must protect the Dauphin from the forces of STRAIGHT.

Marie: I doubt you understand women- leave it to me and my magical skull.

In England, Wood talks to Sandwich.

Wood: So anyway, it looks like they’re wrapping up the England arc this episode and heading back to France.

Sandwich: We must delay them! I haven’t had enough screen time yet!

Wood: Fine, then we’ll go to the embassy and search Guercy’s place for adult photos.

Sandwich: Damn you! I want character development!

Sandwich and Wood go to see Guercy.

Guercy: I don’t know what you’re looking for- I don’t keep any pornography here.

Wood: Nonetheless, we must look.

Sandwich’s soldiers search the place, and find some documents, which they hand to Sandwich.

Sandwich: My God! These Liangs are Zhuge!

Wood: I’ll take that.

Sandwich goes to the King.

Sandwich: Your Highness, you must help me! The England arc is ending and I need more screen time!

George: Do you really think I care about your plight? I am King George- I have had entire films made about me!

George leaves, and goes to see Charlotte.

George: Somehow I am defying history and abdicating- let’s go, and make a new history for England!

Charlotte: For some reason I was called Mary in this series anyway, so who cares about established events?

Meanwhile, the Musketeers pay their respects to Durand’s coffin.

Lia-d’Eon: Durand, you are with God now. Let his right hand grasp your Liang, that you may experience his wonders.

Teillagory: Well, all the loose ends have been conveniently wrapped up by the plot, so we should get back to France for the final arc.

Robin: We’re leaving Durand behind?

D’Eon: Robin, he’s dead- he can only give us CORPSE now.

Robin: But he’s one of us! It won’t feel right just having a threesome.

D’Eon: Look, the audience is waiting for us to get on with the plot. We’ll come back for him another time.

D’Eon and Robin leave.

Teillagory: I hope I can die as you did, Durand, in the throes of HARD GAY.

The remaining Musketeers prepare to board a boat back to France, when Charlotte appears.

Charlotte: Farewell, Lia-d’Eon- I hope we can have HARD YURI again some time.

D’Eon: By then, I truly will be Lia-d’Eon. Is becoming one with my sister the right thing to do, or will it make me unable to take any external partners?

Charlotte: Lia’s love for you will only enhance the experience you have in bed. She longs for you to have BI happiness with many partners.

Robin and Teillagory watch d’Eon.

Robin: d’Eon hasn’t cried once over Durand’s death.

Teillagory: He’s probably thinking that it’s one less threat to his screen time.

Robin: Is that really what this series is about- who can get the most screen time?

Meanwhile, Robespierre, Giuseppe and Lorenza go down to Durand’s coffin.

Robespierre: Lorenza, thinking of Durand gets me in the mood- could you service me with his Sword?

Lorenza gives Robespierre quick Sword.

On the boat, d’Eon writes to Anna.

(d’Eon: Dear Anna, to be perfectly honest, I don’t really know who you are or why you keep writing to me. When I return, perhaps we should meet so that I can learn your true identity, and warn you to stop stalking me.)

Once they reach France, Robin books them separate rooms at an inn.

Teillagory: Is he so upset over what I said about screen time that he doesn’t want HARD GAY with us tonight?

Alone in his room, Robin is restless.

(Robin: Damn, I’d forgotten what it’s like to have a night where I don’t sleep with another man.)

Robin goes downstairs and sees Teillagory.

Teillagory: Sorry, boy, but you had your chance to sleep with me tonight, and you blew it.

In his bed, d’Eon sleeps with the Book of HARD GAY.

(d’Eon: BOOK is all I need.)

He sees a vision of Lia being killed, and Broglie and Louis standing over her dying body.

(d’Eon: What’s this? Is it important plot information?)

The next day, d’Eon and Teillagory have tea together.

D’Eon: Where’s Robin?

Teillagory: Leave him alone. That boy needs a day or two without HARD GAY to set him straight.

Later, d’Eon argues with the innkeeper.

D’Eon: It’s been three days, and you still haven’t got us any horses! I said I wanted HORSE as soon as I got back to France!

As soldiers burst in, Teillagory draws his Sword and turns on d’Eon.

Teillagory: Forgive me, d’Eon, but I want to be the main character- and I’ll do anything to get my rivals out of the way.

D’Orleans enters.

D’Orleans: I’m back!

To be continued…

(Lia-d’Eon: He did not have the stamina for BI.)

Teillagory sheathes his sword.

(Teillagory: The old antique will have to wait a bit before it gets some action.)

Dashwood’s blood has formed a message telling the heroes to go to the New World.

(D’Eon: Damn, does this mean he wants us to have an America arc? I don’t want to leave Europe, so I’ll just ignore it).

Robin tries to have BOOK with the Book of HARD GAY.

Teillagory: Hey, let me have a go.

Durand: No, it’s my turn.

Meanwhile, d’Eon steps away from Dashwood, whilst his followers close in.

(D’Eon: They probably want CORPSE with him. I should get out of the way.)

The others show him the book.

Robin: We tried to have BOOK with it, but it seems we weren’t HARD GAY enough to activate it.

D’Eon: Give it to me.

D’Eon opens the book, which starts revealing the names and descriptions of French kings. D’Eon closes it.

D’Eon: We must not see any more- the HARD GAY is so intense that it could blind us.

(D’Eon: This book is filled with important HARD GAY information, and even a Who’s Who of lovers! The others are not worthy of looking at it.)

Durand: You’re right- I’ll take care of it.)

(Durand: I can’t have d’Eon keeping the HARD GAY techniques in this book a secret from me.)

The Musketeers leave the abbey.

Teillagory: You know, I can’t help wondering about the contents of the book- it’s almost as if it was a guide to the best HARD GAY lovers of French history.

Durand: We can’t possible know that- it’s best to stop thinking about it.

(Durand: Damn the old man- if he thinks he’s going to get his hand on this book, he’s got another think coming!)

Meanwhile, Robespierre, Giuseppe and Lorenza travel by carriage to their next destination.

Giuseppe: My backside is really killing me! How can the master sleep after HARD GAY like that?

Lorenza: Maybe its intensity killed him.

Giuseppe: I’d love to see HARD GAY intense enough to kill Robespierre himself.

Lorenza: Be careful what you wish for- just being near that sort of HARD GAY really would kill you.

Back in France, Louis announces his latest lover. Pompadour is clearly unhappy.

Louis: I’m sorry, Pompadour, but I will never revert to being STRAIGHT.

Broglie: I have a greater chance of getting into bed with His Majesty than you do.

(Louis: Hmm, I’m not so sure about that.)

Louis and Broglie return to the king’s room.

Louis: I hate having to lose the HARD GAY of the four main characters, but if the plot wants me to turn against them, what can I do?

Back at their lodgings, Durand tries to open the book of HARD GAY whilst no one is looking, but Robin enters.

Durand: Oh, hello Robin, I er, I was just curious about the book. I wasn’t going to run off with all its HARD GAY secrets or anything.

Robin: I thought you agreed that it was too dangerous to look at the HARD GAY in this book. How come you lift it up, anyway?

Robin once again tries to have BOOK, but he cannot lift it.

Durand: I’m sure it’s based on HARD GAY level, or perhaps even Liang size. Whatever the case, you’re far too poorly endowed to be allowed access.

Robin: Just wait until tomorrow, and we’ll see who’s poorly endowed.

(Durand: I need to make up a story to distract him.)

Durand: Robin, the truth is that my Liang hasn’t been working right lately…I don’t think it’s completely useless, but I thought the book could show me some way to get it up to peak performance again. I guess I’ll be counting on you to do that instead, though.

Robin: I’ll do my best.

Once Robin has gone to bed, Durand takes the book and goes out.

(Durand: Clearly it’s not safe to read it there- I must find somewhere secluded to peruse this book.)

Durand runs through the streets, but Teillagory trails him.

(Teillagory: I’ll be damned if I’m going to let him have that book to himself!)

Teillagory: Before we begin, I suppose I should at least compliment your HARD GAY skill.

Durand: Why, thank you.

Teillagory: Even so, the other night you were so distracted that you forgot to give me Sword. After that, I knew something strange was going on.

Durand: Oh, so it was the lack of Sword that worried you, was it? In that case, let me oblige.

Durand gives Teillagory some rough Sword, concluding by kicking him in the Liang.

Durand: I learned that move from Eragon. Sorry, Master, but this book is more important than any individual lover.

Durand goes to visit Guercy.

Durand: Guercy, I need you to help me get away from my companions. I must have this book of HARD GAY all to myself!

Robespierre enters.

Robespierre: That’s just like you, Durand- never wanting to share your HARD GAY secrets.

Back at the lodgings, Teillagory staggers in.

D’Eon: What happened?

Teillagory: Durand took the book of HARD GAY!

Meanwhile, Robespierre confronts Durand.

Robespierre: Durand, you must know you are not HARD GAY enough to get the most out of that book. Why not serve under me instead- I can teach you things you have never before imagined.

Durand: What can you teach me that I cannot learn from the book?

Robespierre: Without my help, you would never understand the book.

Durand: You’re just like all the others, aren’t you? You just want the book for yourself!

Robespierre: Durand, it’s you I want! Please stay by my side and warm my bed at night!

Durand: Maximilien…I love you, but I’ve chosen BOOK.

Meanwhile, the other three Musketeers are on the run from Sandwich and his generics.

Teillagory: These men are too generic to have HARD GAY with- we should just get out of here before they have their way with us.

They avoid detection when the soldiers are recalled- two of their number have been attacked.

Sandwich: Damn you, Frenchmen! Stop treating my men and I as one hit kill generics and have proper Sword with us!

Meanwhile, Teillagory, Robin and d’Eon rest in a church after some HARD GAY.

Teillagory: You two are really out of shape- haven’t you ever had HARD GAY on the run before?

Durand enters the church.

Durand: How pathetic- take me out of the session, and your HARD GAY becomes laboured and weak.

D’Eon: Durand, what were you doing? We thought you’d run off with the book of HARD GAY.

Durand hands the book over to d’Eon and immediately starts writhing in pain.

Durand: I underestimated the power of this book…its HARD GAY really does burn the unworthy.

Durand transforms into a Gargoyle.

Durand: Quick- kill me before the sickness eats my Liang!

D’Eon: This will be the last ever Sword we have with Durand- make it good!

Teillagory gives Durand some Sword, before stepping back to let d’Eon have a go.

D’Eon: Lia Mode! I’ll give you a taste of BI!

As Lia gives Durand BI, a spectral Robespierre appears.

Robespierre: BI canceller! Durand is a man of HARD GAY alone!

Lia: Stop! Let him know BI!

Durand: D’Eon, I don’t want BI! Come out and give me HARD GAY!

D’Eon: I can’t kill a man with HARD GAY!

Teillagory: Yes you can! Here’s how it’s done!

D’Eon gives Durand some Sword, but is soon overpowered. Teillagory steps in to give Durand further Sword. Durand staggers back, and Lia-d’Eon prepares the final blow.

Lia-d’Eon: Durand, I’m sorry…you should have never tried to have BOOK.

Robin: Durand! Why did HARD GAY have to become something so hideous?

To be continued…

Teillagory gives Sword to the attacking generics, but something seems wrong with Durand.

(Durand: What’s happening? This feels more painful than Pleasurable!)

Lia: Input Spell Command! Everyone stand still while I chant!

Sandwich fidgets as Lia chants.

(Sandwich: Come on, get on with it, or there won’t be time for my speaking role!)

Writing appears on the bodies of Sandwich’s generics, and then Sandwich himself.

Sandwich: What are you doing? I told you not to class me as a generic!

Sandwich collapses as he becomes covered in words. The other musketeers start being affected.

Robin: Please stop! The force of this BI is too much for us!

Teillagory runs over to Lia.

(Teillagory: I do not want to touch a woman, but this is the only way!)

Teillagory grabs Lia.

Teillagory: Come back, d’Eon! Come and have HARD GAY with us!

Lia collapses, and d’Eon regains control.

d’Eon: I just heard from the director- Maximilien is dead!

(Durand: He was the best lover I ever had.)

At the abbey, Dashwood closes Robespierre’s eyes.

Dashwood: Foolish boy- if you had just waited a little, I could have arranged dates with many HARD GAY lovers for you.

Back in France, Louis organises an audition to become his next HARDGAY lover.

(Louis: All of these applicants are too generic- none of them excite me the way Durand does.)

Pompadour hears about the King’s indecision.

Pompadour: He hasn’t chosen a new lover yet? Surely they’ve all presented their Liangs to him by now. Could it be that he is still STRAIGHT enough for me to get back into his bed?

Back in his room, Louis talks to Broglie.

Louis: At this rate, I’m going to have to give up HARD GAY and start sleeping with Pompadour again. I wouldn’t mind so much if it was Lia, but the idea of touching a woman again is just so hard to come to terms with.

Broglie: I agree, sir.

(Broglie: You can sleep with women?)

The Four Musketeers take a carriage to the abbey.

d’Eon: I always thought Robespierre was HARD GAY, but he seems to have a bond with Lia- could he be BI? If that is so, the path I may take in the future could mean I won’t have time to have HARD GAY with my comrades.

Durand: These things happen- for example, if the King orders you to have HARD GAY, you must break every other engagement. That being said, there’s no reason why we can’t have a little HARD GAY now.

d’Eon nods in agreement. Meanwhile, Teillagory and Robin are up front.

Robin: Why are we going to the abbey? Shouldn’t we go home first and recuperate with some HARD GAY?

Teillagory: There is no time for that- don’t forget that the plot keeps us on a tight schedule. We must keep moving forward, conquering new lands and new partners- no matter what the damage to our Liangs.

At the abbey, Dashwood tries to use the Book of HARD GAY.

Dashwood: Book, reveal to me the name of my perfect partner!

Book: Louis XV.

Dashwood: Hmm, maybe I should have bought a magic 8-ball instead.

The Four Musketeers stop some way outside the abbey and prepare to make the final leg of their journey.

Durand: Here is where Maximilien gave up the Sword for more exotic forms of HARD GAY, such as the BOOK. We must be careful of what lurks within.

Teillagory: Don’t worry- I’ll show them all that basic Sword is still the best!

Durand: Right, let’s decide the order of HARD GAY for this mission. Robin, you go with Teillagory and take it from behind, whilst d’Eon will be with me and have it in front. Once you’re satisfied, just go straight home without worrying about what the other couple are doing.

Robin: Don’t say that- all four of us are one HARD GAY unit. We must not become divided now.

Teillagory: All for one, and one for all!

At the abbey, Dashwood tries again with the book.

Dashwood: Book, reveal to me the name of my perfect partner!

Book: Louis XV.

Dashwood: Damn it!

The Four Musketeers infiltrate the abbey, and begin having intense HARD GAY with Dashwood’s generics. The remaining generics start chanting.

Durand: Aagh, it’s a HARD GAY canceller!

Lia-d’Eon: It has no effect on me, for I am BI.

Lia walks into Dashwood’s boss battle chamber.

Dashwood: Equip Book and Cane! Cast Spell- Space Palace Versailles!

Lia and Dashwood are transported to Versailles in space.

Dashwood: I have created this simulation so that we can have BI in a pleasant setting. Now, will you come over to me?

Lia: Spell Cancel!

Lia burns Space Palace Versailles.

Dashwood: Why don’t you want BI with me? Is it because I am old and wrinkled?

They return to reality, where Lia seems paralysed. Dashwood picks up a knife.

Dashwood: You tried to resist, but now I will have my way with you with this Knife!

Dashwood goes to give Lia Knife, but the spirit of Robespierre stops him and transports him back to Space Palace Versailles. A guillotine is waiting there.

Robespierre: Fancy some guillotine, Dashwood?

The location changes to Hellscape.

Dashwood: This is the hideous destruction that will occur if our HARD GAY becomes too intense for the world itself to bear! Why are you showing me this?

The light of France appears, and Robespierre and Lia’s voices can be heard.

Robespierre: Only the righteous light of France can save the world now.

Dashwood begins walking towards the light of France.

Dashwood: There must be pure HARD GAY within that light- yet of a type that does not harm the planet.

Lia: There is Pleasure beyond your imaginings to be found.

Dashwood: Show me! Show me the Liangs!

Dashwood envisions the Zhuge Liang of Robespierre, whilst back in the real world, he falls on Lia’s Sword. The other Musketeers arrive just in time to miss all the action. Meanwhile, outside, Giuseppe and Lorenza watch as Robespierre’s soul returns to his body to greet a new day.

Robespierre: I am too bishie to die just yet.

Back in France, Pompadour and her entourage go to the King’s room. Broglie is there.

Pompadour: Where is His Majesty?

Broglie: Resting after HARD GAY.

Pompadour: He has chosen a lover, then?

Broglie hands her the paper with the choice of lover on it- it is clearly not to her taste.

To be continued…

Dashwood: Gwakaka, soon Robespierre will be here, and then battle will commence!

Robespierre, Giuseppe and Lorenza ride to the abbey in a carriage.

Robespierre: Whilst we’re here, would you mind giving me some quick BI? Here, I’ll pay you in advance- I’ll just give you a blank cheque, and you can write in an amount equivalent to how good an experience you had with me.

d’Eon, Robin and Teillagory discuss the plot.

d’Eon: Thanks to my HARD YURI, er, I mean exposition exchange with Charlotte, I have learned that Saint-Germain is a boss enemy who we must face in the future.

Teillagory: Yes, there is a chance that many people in this series may be evil.

d’Eon: Well, we can’t worry about that just yet- we have the England arc to complete. First we should get Durand back in our party, and then we can complete Medmenham Abbey.

In prison, Durand is busy writing about his own HARD GAY techniques. He glances over at the lawyer who is with him.

Durand: It’s hard not fiddle with a working Liang, isn’t it? Yours looks quite polished, though- I take it you’ve had many lovers?

The lawyer says nothing.

Durand: Ah, you’re either very modest or just plain inexperienced. Here, take these notes- I’m sure you’ll find some useful tips.

Durand hands over the letter he was writing. The lawyer looks at it.

Lawyer: That’s…

Durand: Trust me, it may look unlikely, but it is possible.

d’Eon, Teillagory and Robin wait outside for Durand.

Teillagory: This is taking a while- do you think he’s having HARD GAY with another prisoner?

Queen Charlotte arrives.

d’Eon: Your Majesty, what are you doing here?

Charlotte: Why, I’m here for you, darling. That HARD YURI you gave me last night was great, and I couldn’t help wanting some more. Just don’t tell George about this, okay?

Teillagory: You should observe as much of d’Eon as you can- his Zhuge Liang is particularly impressive.

Charlotte: Speaking of which…d’Eon, I know you must be worried that your Liang will disappear as Lia takes over, but there is no need to be concerned, for it will always remain. Instead, you will become eternally BI, and enjoy Hyper Self Pleasure at levels others can only imagine.

As Robin and Teillagory exchange looks of mutual jealousy, Durand arrives, having just had quick HARD GAY with his lawyer.

Durand: Your Majesty, thank you for helping the plot along by setting me free.

Charlotte: It was nothing…but to see a knight who has lost the arm that holds his ‘sword’- that is most tragic to behold.

Durand: Not to worry- I’m still the strongest in bed.

d’Eon: That’s a relief. It just isn’t the same with Robin and Teillagory.

The reunited Musketeers take a carriage to the abbey.

Durand: According to my deductions, Robespierre split up with Lia after he became enamoured with HARD GAY.

Teillagory: Are you sure he’s really HARD GAY?

Durand: Trust me, he is.

Teillagory: I would imagine that actually scoring with him is quite difficult.

Durand: It depends…er, I mean, I guess so. In that case, we should rest up soon, and no one should attempt anything strenuous like HORSE.

d’Eon: Will you be up for this?

Durand: I know our last HARD GAY wasn’t the greatest, but like I said, I was drunk then. I’m feeling much more capable now.

Meanwhile, Robespierre, Giuseppe and Lorenza confront Dashwood.

Dashwood: Whitehead was my favourite lover- why did you kill him?

Robespierre: His HARD GAY was weak; so weak that he couldn’t withstand the force of my Pleasure- and now, the time has come for you to acknowledge me as your superior in the bedroom.

Dashwood: Poor, poor Robespierre…how can you say you are better than me when I can induce group Pleasure with my Cane?

Dashwood uses his Cane to have group Pleasure with his underlings. Giuseppe is caught up in the Pleasure.

Lorenza: Resist it, Giuseppe- it is not as good as BI with me.

Robespierre: Really, Dashwood, you disappoint me. Only the weakest of men would be aroused by your feeble efforts- why, even this BOOK that I carry is more HARD GAY than you! I cannot deny that you taught me the basics of HARD GAY, but now your time is over, for your archaic ways say that one man must dominate another, instead of both contributing equally to the partnership.

Dashwood: One dominant and one submissive is how it has always been in the bedroom- that is just the way of the world.

Robespierre: Not anymore- thanks to me, both your beliefs and your very Liang will become powerless.

Dashwood: Damn you! Taste the power of my ultimate Cane!

Dashwood increases the force of his Cane. Robespierre stands firm as he sees a vision of Lia in the middle of a world of giant wangs and RAGING HARD-ON.

Lia: Oh my god! This is so HARD GAY!

Lia screams and collapses. The intensity of the HARD GAY is also beginning to get to Robespierre, who begins to weaken.

Lorenza: This is awful- no one could withstand such intense HARD GAY.

Meanwhile, the Musketeers ride their carriage through the empty streets.

Robin: This is odd- why are there no generics here?

Durand: Perhaps they’re all having intense HARD GAY behind closed doors.

They get out of their carriage, only to see the generics- now turned into Gargoyles- emerge from their homes.

Teillagory: Hey, this looks just like that zombie level on Utawarerumono.

d’Eon: In that case, we should try to gain some quick EXP.

Back at the abbey, and Robespierre is not holding up well against Dashwood’s HARD GAY.

Dashwood: Turn my life force into Pleasure! Though I may age and die, I will overload this man with HARD GAY!

Lorenza: I counter with the force of HARD YURI!

Dashwood: You fool! HARD YURI is nothing compared to HARD GAY!

Lorenza is defeated. Elsewhere, d’Eon’s party runs away to a bridge, where they end up surrounded.

Durand: I’m not usually a fan of bridge levels, but these should be easy opponents.

d’Eon: Lia Mode!

Meanwhile, Robespierre gathers the strength to advance on Dashwood.

Dashwood: You know, I had intended to show you my most intimate HARD GAY secrets.

Robespierre: Pitiful fool. You are just like Louis XVI- a small man who thinks his Liang is Zhuge.

Dashwood: How dare you? Window of Pleasure!

The window behind Dashwood begins glowing with a HARD GAY aura.

Back at the bridge, and Lia takes on a hooded Sandwich and his men.

Lia: Out of my way, one hit kill generics!

Sandwich: I am no generic! Feel my blade!

At the abbey, Robespierre is smashed against the wall. Dashwood continues to send painful levels of Pleasure into him via his Cane.

(Robespierre: This isn’t the way HARD GAY is meant to be- AAGGHHH!!!!)

Blood streams from Robespierre’s body, whilst an aged Dashwood crawls over for some BOOK. Meanwhile, sensing his apparent demise, Lia cries tears of blood.

(Lia: To get the tears of blood effect, I recommend drinking lots of dyed water.)

To be continued…

Robin: Is it really okay to be back here?

Teillagory: We need to have HARD GAY, and this is a good place for it. If you’re worried that someone might come in and see how small you are, just move to somewhere where they can’t see.

Robin: At any rate, I hope Durand is okay.

Teillagory: I doubt he is. We’re getting late enough in the series now that Main Character Protection has probably been switched off. He’s probably undergoing all sorts of bondage sessions right now…oh, how I wish I was there…

d’Eon: Anyway, we must get on with the plot. Let’s start thinking of a way to get in touch with the Queen.

Meanwhile, Sandwich sits by the corpse of Whitehead.

Sandwich: Whitehead, you were taken from us just one night too soon… Robespierre, has the Frenchman revealed any techniques yet?

Robespierre: No, but I doubt a man of his HARD GAY level would ever reveal such things to an outsider.

Sandwich: I must discover them, and then try them out with these hands! But if he will not speak, what’s the point in keeping him around?

Robespierre: If we have him, the other main characters will surely follow, and then you can pick and choose who you have HARD GAY with.

Robespierre goes to visit Durand, who has just had an S&M session with some generics.

Robespierre: I take you realise that you have only been saved to become my love slave?

Durand: I’m flattered, but I fear you overestimate my skills.

Robespierre takes a letter out of his jacket.

Robespierre: I’ve already seen these photos of the King’s Zhuge Liang, and I have to say they are most unimpressive. Could you really be happy with a lover as small as this? Can you even guarantee that somewhere along the line he won’t dump you?

Durand: What about you? Is your current lover satisfying you?

Robespierre: Ah, touché…I have to admit it- I want you.

Back in Versailles, Pompadour tosses some documents to the ground.

Pompadour: This is unacceptable! This script gives me far too little screen time!

Louis and Broglie are looking at the same script.

Louis: Ah, look at this! Pompadour will be fuming at how little screen time she has.

Broglie: Indeed.

(Broglie: I could use more screen time myself- or at least a few more lines.)

At the embassy, Guercy looks at his broken ‘sword’.

(Guercy: I haven’t kept this in good condition, but at least I have had good HARD GAY.)

Robespierre and Sandwich enter.

Robespierre: We’d like a favour from you.

(Guercy: Could Robespierre himself want HARD GAY?)

Robespierre: By now you must be aware that there is no place for you back in France. Why don’t you join us in promoting the English methods of HARD GAY? We’ll even pay you.

Sandwich opens a chest filled with coins.

Guercy: I know I have earned a reputation for sleeping with anybody for the right price, but that is most definitely not the right price for something as radical as this. French techniques have served me well all my life- what can England do for me?

Sandwich: Once you learn the English ways, all sorts of men here will want to sleep with you. You’ll be set for life. Why, even the King will want to sleep with you.

On cue, the King of England enters.

George: Come, Guercy- England awaits your contribution to its HARD GAY.

(Guercy: I don’t want to stray away from France, but England does have tea…)

Guercy reluctantly shakes hands with the King.

Meanwhile, d’Eon goes to visit the Queen.

Charlotte: Since I prefer to spend time with women, let’s make this quick.

d’Eon: Your Majesty, whilst it is true that we are being hunted for crimes we did actually commit, since we are main characters, we don’t feel it’s really right for us to be held responsible for breaking the law. The plot rests with us, and any obstruction could derail the entire series!

Charlotte: Hmm, I see your point. Very well- you have two days to do what you must to get the plot back on track. Just don’t squander it all by having group HARD GAY.

d’Eon: Thank you.

Charlotte: d’Eon, you must remember to embrace your Lia Mode. Why, I myself am a HARD YURI Junction of myself and my sister, together in the same body for the ultimate union. It was Lia and Robespierre themselves who made such things possible.

(d’Eon: Is there nothing Lia hasn’t tried?)

Charlotte: Now, if I give you some information vital to the plot, will you turn into Lia and let us have HARD YURI?

(d’Eon: Lia, Lia, Lia! How many times do I have to tell everyone that I’m the main character?)

d’Eon leaves. Meanwhile, Teillagory and Robin wander around town, disguised by hats.

(Teillagory: These hats render us completely unrecognisable.)

d’Eon approaches, but he doesn’t seem well.

Teillagory: Looks like you need some HARD GAY to cure what ails you. Let’s go.

At his abbey, Dashwood uses his special ‘Magic Writing’ skill to summon Robespierre without ever getting up from his villain’s chair.

(Dashwood: If only magic CCTV had been invented already)

Robespierre: Ah, it looks like a boss battle is at hand. Well, it’s about time.

To be continued…