Zhuge Liang: Come, Lu Xun, show me that there is at least one man in this land worthy of being my partner. In the meantime, I shall randomly burn everything, just as any good final boss should do!

Whilst the other Pleasure Rangers fight off the burning meteors that are falling on China, Lu Xun (who is back to being Ranger Red) heads for Zhuge Liang.

Sun Quan: I’m about as useful in battle as that guy in Captain Planet who had the Heart power, so I’ll just stay here and pray for everyone.

Zhuge Liang: This world is corrupt, and must be destroyed!

Lu Xun: How can you say that? I mean, I thought I was angsty and full of despair, but you really do have problems!

Zhuge Liang: Shut up! You can forget any chance of seeing my sword now!

Lu Xun: You know what- I don’t care? I’m sick of being told how big you are and then never getting any! Initiate boss battle, phase one!

Lu Xun begins attacking Zhuge Liang, who counters with dark energy blasts.

Zhuge Liang: You fool! I have summoned the Red Star Meteor, the same evil that a thousand bosses have used in their attempts to destroy the world! Oh, and by the way- I killed your family too!

Lu Xun: What!? How much more clichéd can this get?

Zhuge Liang: All I wanted was the HARD GAY power of the Lord’s Cube, but when I realised there was no man worthy enough to sleep with me, I decided to just destroy the world and be done with it!

Lu Xun: But…I thought you loved me!

Zhuge Liang: Fool- I only ever loved myself! Now commence boss battle, phase two!

Zhuge Liang transforms into Dark Zhuge. In response, Lu Xun transforms into the Inferno Ruby Otome.

Lu Xun: Butterfly Inferno Charge!

Lu Xun flies into space and destroys the meteor Zhuge Liang had summoned. Sun Quan and the other Pleasure Rangers are somehow transported to a featureless world.

Sun Quan: What’s going on? Could this be the most ridiculous final episode since Bakumatsu Kikansetsu Irohanihoheto?

Ling Tong: I think so- I mean, we seem to be inside the Lord’s Cube.

Dark Zhuge approaches.

Zhuge Liang: Oh, hello everyone, fancy meeting you here.

Otome Lu Xun also appears.

Lu Xun: Everyone, you’re here!

(Lu Xun: Now they’ll know of my secret Otome habit! What should I do?)

Zhuge Liang: It seems you saved the world after all- oh well, you win some, you lose some.

Dark Zhuge begins to dissolve into sparkles.

Zhuge Jin: Everyone’s probably wondering what’s going on, so let’s break off for some exposition. You see, Lu Xun needed the power of the ultimate light to defeat the meteor that would have destroyed our world, but he couldn’t access it until Zhuge Liang became the ultimate darkness. In other words, this was all planned out!

Lu Xun: I knew it! Master wasn’t really evil at all!

Lu Xun and Zhuge Liang embrace.

Zhuge Liang: Well done, Lu Xun- you have saved the world.

Zhuge Jin: Don’t die, brother! We could still have great HARD GAY together!

Zhuge Liang: It’s too late for me- for in my desperation for a partner I ruined my Sword with excessive Hyper Self Pleasure.

Lu Xun: But Master, all I ever wanted was to see it!

Zhuge Liang: It was the Lord’s Cube- it made the Pleasure too intense for mortal flesh to endure.

Lu Xun: Then I must destroy it, so that no other man has to suffer thus!

Lu Xun grabs the core of the Lord’s Cube and shoves it into himself.

Zhuge Liang: NO! You mustn’t endure the intense Pleasure!

Lu Xun: I have to do this, to save everyone else from it!

Lu Xun explodes in a massive burst of Pleasure that leaves him naked and glowing; a sort of Pleasure nuclear bomb, if you will. He then dissolves into golden sparkles.

Zhuge Liang: Lu Xun, you weren’t meant to die! I would have eventually shown you my Sword, you know!

Zhuge Liang continues on his way alone, leaving the Pleasure Rangers and Sun Quan behind to wonder what the point of the whole series was.

THE END.

Zhuge Liang: Lord’s Cube, please tell me the name of the one worthy to see my might weapon- is it Lu Xun or Liu Bei?

Meanwhile, the Liu Bei dragon attacks Lu Xun and Sun Quan.

Liu Bei: Die, and let me become the main character! All Iever wanted was love and peace- that’s why I’ve just wiped out half of China with my mighty dragon!

Lu Xun: Wait- I’m sure we can work things out!

Liu Bei: Never! Give me back my precious flowers! Frozen Breath!

Liu Bei starts freezing Lu Xun, which takes much longer than usual due to the latter’s main character status.

Lu Xun: Counter! Intense and Inexplicable HARD GAY Destined Powers!

Lu Xun draws his sword, flooding the area with a HARD GAY aura.

Lu Xun: By the power of HARD GAY, I will restore this world to the way it should be!

Liu Bei: Why bother? This world will only fall into corruption and chaos- better to destroy it than to carry on!

Lu Xun: Listen to yourself- that’s final boss talk!

Liu Bei: Well, what do you expect- I am the final boss! And unless I’m very much mistaken, you don’t even have any other party members with which to face me!

As Zhuge Liang watches from his magic CCTV, Lu Xun is knocked down by Liu Bei’s freezing breath.

Sun Quan: No! The main character can’t die in the penultimate episode!

Lu Xun is trapped in the featureless blackness again, assailed by flashbacks.

Lu Xun: ZETSUBOU SHITA! Someone help me, I’m in despair!

Liu Bei causes a rain of petals to fall.

Liu Bei: Everything’s just so depressing, isn’t it? I mean, look at this place- some idiot’s gone and turned the whole thing to ice. And then there’s you, Sun Quan- you don’t even have a Sword! I wish I had been brave enough to have the operation like you did.

(Sun Quan: Why does everyone keep thinking I’m really a woman?)

The Liu Bei dragon blows freezing wind at Sun Quan, causing Lu Xun to stir.

Liu Bei: What do you think of my petals, Lu Xun? I’ve always thought that when you want to kill someone, you should say it with flowers!

Sun Quan: Don’t listen to him! You are the main character! You must inevitably triumph!

Liu Bei: Shut up! I should be the main character!

Sun Quan starts glowing with HARD GAY energy. The Liu Bei dragon knocks him down with an especially powerful blast, although moments later he appears to be standing again with only minimal damage to his clothing.

Lu Xun: Damn you! Activate Pleasure Powers- Ranger Red!

Liu Bei: Frozen Blast!

Lu Xun: Flaming Passion! Melt the ice and magically restore the land!

Somehow the land is thawed and all greenery emerges unharmed.

Lu Xun: Cut scene power! Finishing blow!

Lu Xun sends off a wave of crimson energy that vaporises the Liu Bei dragon. Liu Bei’s naked body falls to the ground.

Liu Bei: Hmm, I appear to have the chest of a man- perhaps the question of my gender can finally be laid to rest.

(Lu Xun: Not until we take that blanket off your lower half, methinks.)

Lu Xun hands Liu Bei a pair of magical orbs containing the faces of Guan Yu and Zhang Fei.

Liu Bei: These are- the limited edition Dynasty Warriors collectable paperweights! You must have bought them from eBay- and after everything I did to you.

Lu Xun: What, freezing my friends and destroying my country? Why, that’s hardly worth mentioning- and besides, how can anyone take that haircut of yours seriously?

After watching this scene from afar, Zhuge Liang makes the sky turn dark before appearing as a giant projection of himself.

Liu Bei: Well, it looks like I didn’t even qualify as the final boss, let alone make it all the way to main character.

Liu Bei dies.

Lu Xun: Not again! I’m in despair!

Lu Xun is enveloped in blue HARD GAY energy.

Lu Xun: Power up to Ranger Sapphire!

Zhuge Liang: I am the final boss! Summon Meteor!

Fiery meteors rain down upon the land. Meanwhile, the newly thawed Pleasure Rangers power up.

Lu Xun: Everyone’s alive! It’s time for the final battle!

To be continued…

Zhuge Liang: Poor little boy, all alone without even a backdrop, Come to me, and I will show you the ways of men- it will hurt at first, but in time I’m sure you’ll come to enjoy it.

Meanwhile, Liu Bei plays alone in the frozen wasteland.

Liu Bei: Playing with the frozen men, having so much fun- wait a minute, Lu Xun isn’t here! I can’t become the main character until I get rid of him!

Meanwhile, Lu Xun has run off with Sun Quan.

Lu Xun: Don’t worry, my Lord, in a few days we’re bound to find some nomads I can leave you with; then I can go and be heroic by myself.

Sun Quan: What can any man accomplish by himself? Does it not take two for Pleasure?

Lu Xun: Oh, don’t worry about me.

(Lu Xun: How can I even begin to explain about Hyper Self Pleasure?)

The Liu Bei dragon continues to search for Lu Xun, but only finds Zhao Yun.

Zhao Yun: Ah, my Lord, you look different somehow- have you changed your hairstyle?

Liu Bei: Fool! I’m looking for Lu Xun so that I can finish him off and become the main character.

Zhao Yun: Hmm, I believe Zhuge Liang is next in line for the post of main character.

Liu Bei: Then I’ll just have to find him too! And when I do, he can show me that mighty weapon he’s always boasting about!

Zhao Yun: So, you want to see him too.

Liu Bei: Of course! And then I will preserve his wondrous implement by encasing it in ice forever!

Liu Bei flies away.

Zhao Yun: Wow, turning into a dragon really hasn’t been good for his mental state. Doesn’t he know that Zhuge’s flaming passion would melt through any ice?

That night, Lu Xun and Sun Quan camp out under the stars.

(Sun Quan: He seems unwilling to initiate Pleasure. I must try to seduce him.)

Sun Quan gets Lu Xun’s attention by burning his hand.

Lu Xun: My Lord! You must be careful!

Sun Quan: Ah, fancy meeting you- do you come here often? Please, tell me more about yourself.

Lu Xun: There’s not much to tell, really- when I was young, Master took me in and taught me many things, such as how to cook and clean for him, and how to take Pleasure from behind.

(Sun Quan: Damn, why is he so obsessed with Zhuge Liang? It makes it almost impossible for another man to score with him!)

Sun Quan: Hmm, maybe you’d better get some sleep.

Lu Xun: But I’ll have bad dreams and the monster under the bed might get me!

Sun Quan starts stroking Lu Xun’s hair.

Sun Quan: Well then, I know some other things we can do in bed…

The next day, the couple start searching for food. Sun Quan picks a generic leaf.

Sun Quan: What about this tasty-looking leaf?

Lu Xun: Get serious- it’s a leaf.

Later, Lu Xun practises alone with his ‘sword’.

(Lu Xun: Master, once I leave Sun Quan, I shall finally see your mighty weapon and service it with my own two hands!)

Lu Xun is overcome by feelings of Pleasure for Zhuge Liang.

That night, Sun Quan tries to seduce Lu Xun again.

Sun Quan: Let’s look at the stars and see if we can find a constellation of two men, or perhaps a giant Sword.

(Sun Quan: Could my flirting be any more obvious?)

(Lu Xun: I never before realised…how much I love my master!)

The next day, they continue their journey.

Sun Quan: Oh, by the way, Lu Xun, I got you a present.

Lu Xun: You did? What is it?

Sun Quan: A tree- I planted it for you at our last campsite.

(Lu Xun: What an awful present- I was hoping for money or some saucy pictures.)

Lu Xun: Er, thank you.

Sun Quan: It’s a great gift, don’t you think, for whilst it is unlikely that the people of the future will remember us and make games and anime series loosely based on our lives, this generic tree will live on.

Finally, the couple reach a frozen plain.

Lu Xun: All right, looks like it’s time for us to part ways.

Sun Quan: You can’t just leave me here in the middle of nowhere!

Lu Xun: Oh, I’m sure some nomads will be along eventually- and besides, it’s almost the end of the episode.

Sun Quan: But I want you! Don’t leave me behind.

Lu Xun: Just because everyone else in this series is HARD GAY doesn’t mean that you have to force yourself to conform. I’ve always suspected you might secretly be STRAIGHT, or a woman.

(Sun Quan: What a cruel way to reject someone!)

The Liu Bei dragon suddenly appears.

To be continued…

Liu Bei: Damn those accursed Pleasure Rangers! Zhuge Liang, give me the HARD GAY power needed to defeat them!

Zhuge Liang: Certainly, my Lord.

Zhuge Liang uses the Lord’s Cube to infuse Liu Bei with HARD GAY energy; somehow in the process a boss monster is produced- a dragon with Liu Bei junctioned to its head.

Meanwhile, at Wu palace, Wei’s Zhang Liao comes charging in. He is taken to see Sun Quan.

Zhuge Jin: This must have something to do with Liu Bei- I bet he’s gone on a Pleasure rampage.

(Lu Xun: Master, what have you done? You’ve corrupted everyone with HARD GAY energy!)

Meanwhile, Zhang Liao makes his report.

Lu Meng: What are you doing here- aren’t we supposed to be enemies?

Zhang Liao: That was so last month- besides, there’s only time to resolve the Liu Bei storyline now. Anyway, I have bad news to report- when we went to attack Shu, a frigid wind stripped us of our desires for warming HARD GAY, and the whole army froze to death!

Sun Quan: We must fight this enemy of Pleasure!

As if on cue, Wu is assailed by a cold, frigid wind. Sun Quan talks with Zhang Zhao.

Sun Quan: Even though you are only a minor character, I want you to know that your off screen Pleasure teachings have always been of use to me.

Zhang Zhao: If only I had been a frontline soldier instead of a highly ranked civil advisor, I might have had more screen time!

The generics of Wu are evacuated from the capital.

Lu Xun: Master, why are you doing all this? None of it makes any sense!

Sun Quan: It may be that he is testing you- and if you prove worthy, you will finally see his mighty endowment.

Later, the Pleasure Rangers are waiting when the Liu Bei Dragon arrives. It looks like something out of Yu-Gi-Oh!.

Lu Xun: By the powers of love and friendship- Pleasure Rangers, move out!

Liu Bei: Frozen Breath!

Lu Xun: Blazing Shield!

Zhuge Jin: His power level is off the charts!

Lu Meng: There has to be a weakness! Bosses always have one weak point!

The Pleasure Rangers try a team attack, but the dragon deflects it.

Lu Meng: Lu Xun, you must retreat! The main character has to survive until the very end!

Whilst the other Pleasure Rangers attack, Lu Xun runs away.

Liu Bei: How dare you disrespect the final boss by running away? I’ll get you!

Zhuge Jin: Not so fast! We supporting characters need our time in the spotlight too, even if we are ultimately useless!

Meanwhile, Zhuge Liang is conducting a ritual to seal away the power of the Lord’s Cube, turning the Pleasure Rangers back to normal.

Liu Bei: Gwakaka, I cannot be defeated!

Liu Bei stabs Zhuge Jin.

(Zhuge Jin: NOOOOOOOOO!!! I never even got to sleep with Lu Xun!)

Liu Bei: Frozen Breath!

Ling Tong is hit by the blast. Gan Ning takes him out of harm’s way, but he dies of the cold.

Lu Meng: It’s just as Zhang Liao said- these frigid blasts are counteracting our Pleasure powers!

Using his searchlights, the Liu Bei dragon tracks down the remaining Pleasure Rangers.

Liu Bei: Take this! Frozen power of flashbacks!

Lu Meng is transfixed by a vision of Taishi Ci and gets frozen in a block of ice. Now only Gan Ning is left. He shoots an arrow to warn Lu Xun.

Gan Ning: It doesn’t matter if I die, because Zhou Yu is waiting for me in heaven!

The Liu Bei dragon heads for the capital and starts firing lasers and ice blasts at it. Lu Xun and Sun Quan take refuge in the basement whilst everyone else gets killed.

Lu Xun: What’s happening? I didn’t think this was going to be ‘everybody dies’ series!

After an hour or so they emerge to a world of frozen figures. Lu Xun spots his fellow Pleasure Rangers, now encased in ice.

Lu Xun: Angst Mode! The loss of my friends has left me in despair!

To be continued…

Guan Yu: Don’t you hate me? I mean, it was my turning into a horse monster that tipped this series over the edge into complete and utter ridiculousness.

Lu Xun: I shouldn’t worry, it was heading that way from the start. We shouldn’t blame ourselves when the writers are the ones at fault!

Meanwhile, Liu Bei is having a tantrum.

Liu Bei: Why am I being cast as the villain in this series? Everyone knows I’m righteous and good!

Upon seeing this, Zhang Fei realises that he must save Guan Yu by using the power of the Lord’s Sphere.

Zhang Fei: HARD GAY energy, flow into me- even if I end up turning into a ridiculous monster it will be worth it!

Zhuge Liang watches as Zhang Fei zooms off into the distance.

Zhuge Liang: Alas, any lover not worthy of my charms must be gotten rid of in this way. Zhao Yun, here is another dose of the mighty aphrodisiac that turned Guan Yu into a raging HORSE- use it as you wish.

Zhao Yun: But won’t the viewers become disillusioned if we use exactly the same trick twice in a row?

Zhuge Liang: Use it, boy, and I will show you why they nicknamed me “Huge Wang”.

Zhao Yun eagerly departs. Meanwhile, the Pleasure Rangers are preparing for Zhang Fei’s inevitable arrival.

Lu Meng: Guan Yu, your fate has been decided.

Guan Yu: Am I to be executed?

Lu Meng: Our Lord wishes to see you- if you can Pleasure him sufficiently, you may yet be spared.

Lu Meng and Lu Xun take Guan Yu outside to see Sun Quan.

Lu Xun: Lord Sun Quan is an amazing person- outwardly he seems so weak, and yet he is like an animal in the bedroom.

Sun Quan: Lu Meng, now that you’ve dragged Guan Yu all the way out to see me, you can reveal his fate.

Lu Meng: Guan Yu, you have been sentenced to punishment by Harvest Moon! You must take control of this barren, lifeless earth and transform it into a working farm within three years!

Guan Yu: I must protest! Who needs something useless like a farm when we could turn this into a massive flower garden of no practical use?

Sun Quan: Ah, let me just explain the teensy flaws in that argument. You see, people can’t eat flowers.

Guan Yu: Hmm, I guess you do have a point.

Guan Yu thinks back to when he met Zhang Fei and they fought over a watermelon the latter had stolen until Liu Bei broke up the fight.

Liu Bei: See how food causes fighting? We should abolish food in favour of flowers, which are peaceful and beautiful.

Back in the present…

Guan Yu: Just where exactly did we go wrong? I can’t seem to pinpoint the exact moment.

After half an episode, Zhang Fei finally reaches the Wu stronghold.

Gan Ning: Ranger Orange! Flare Arrow!

Ling Tong: Ranger Blue! Frontal assault!

Zhuge Jin: Ranger Green! Claw Swipe!

Zhang Fei: Counterattack! Energy Shield!

Zhang Fei easily deflects their attacks.

Lu Xun: You might be able to hold your own against supporting characters, but let’s see how you do against the lead! Ranger Red, power up!

Lu Xun and Zhang Fei commence battle.

Guan Yu: Sun Quan, I thank you for the Harvest Moon offer, but I must decline- for only I can save Zhang Fei from these raging HARD GAY impulses.

Zhang Fei throws his ‘balls’ at Lu Xun, but Guan Yu arrives in time to intercept them. The two ‘brothers’ engage in intense HARD GAY.

Guan Yu: Brother, for your sake I will quench your insatiable desires by giving my life in one last session of HARD GAY!

Guan Yu dies bringing Zhang Fei back to normal.

Zhang Fei: Guan Yu!!!!

Lu Xun: Angst Mode! I’m in despair!

Zhang Fei: This is all Zhuge Liang’s fault! There are some forms of HARD GAY that man was never meant to know about!

Zhao Yun appears from nowhere.

Zhao Yun: We’ll see about that! Open wide!

Zhao Yun forces the aphrodisiac on Zhang Fei. In another room, the Pleasure Rangers wait for him.

Lu Xun: Lu Meng, did you plan to recruit Zhang Fei from the start?

Lu Meng: Not really, but when I saw the size of his Sword, I knew he would be a great addition to the group.

Zhang Fei enters.

Ling Tong: About time- we’ve all been waiting for you to service us.

Unfortunately, the aphrodisiac has turned him into a sex-starved beast.

Lu Xun: Why? Why did you take drugs when we could have had great HARD GAY without them?

Zhang Fei: I didn’t want to- AAAGGHHH!!!!

Zhang Fei resists the power of the aphrodisiac and ends up turning into purple sparkles.

Lu Xun: Not again! I’m in despair!

Back at the Shu palace, Zhuge Liang informs Liu Bei of recent events.

Zhuge Liang: Well, it looks like Guan Yu and Zhang Fei are dead- it’s just you and me now, my Lord.

To be continued…

Zhang Fei: Zhuge Liang, where did you send Guan Yu? It’s getting late and I need him to warm my bed.

Zhuge Liang: Sorry, but I’ve been too busy admiring myself to know where he is- he could have turned into a raging horse monster for all I know.

Zhang Fei: Horse monster? Damn you and your Lord’s Cube- I knew it was bad for the body!

Zhang Fei runs off to find Guan Yu.

Liu Bei: Where’s Zhang Fei off to?

Zhuge Liang: Oh, he’s just gone to help the horse monster, er, I mean Guan Yu. More importantly, this means that you and I are alone here- what say we retire to the bedroom?

Meanwhile, the remaining Pleasure Rangers are camped out in the woods. As usual, Gan Ning gives himself Flute whilst Lu Xun remains in Angst Mode.

Ling Tong: Stop giving yourself Flute, Gan Ning, and service someone else for once!

Zhuge Jin: Don’t force him- it takes a man a while to master Flute.

Gan Ning: To be honest, after Zhou Yu died, I’ve lost interest in other men.

Zhuge Jin: Well, at least we have Lu Meng- he’ll do it with anyone.

As if on cue, Lu Meng calls everyone over. After a night of HARD GAY, they continue their journey.

Ling Tong: Everything’s gone wrong! We’re supposed to be the Six MANLY Steeds, but now there are only five of us! Someone’s going to end up without a partner!

Somehow, Sun Quan randomly appears before them.

Sun Quan: Did I hear something about there being a shortage of men? Perhaps I can help.

Everyone sits down on a nice comfortable rock outcropping in the middle of nowhere.

Lu Meng: Well, this is a surprise.

Sun Quan: I’m fed up with just wandering around the palace gardens doing absolutely nothing of plot importance- I want to do something constructive!

Ling Tong: All right! Now let’s get back to the palace and have a wander round the gardens.

Everyone is delighted to have Sun Quan as a new regular HARD GAY partner.

Generic: My Lord, Guan Yu has turned into a monster and gone on a rampage!

Ling Tong: What? So Taishi Ci basically died for nothing?

Lu Meng: Yep, pretty much, but luckily I have a cunning plan that I borrowed from Utawarerumono. What we’ll do is lure Guan Yu onto some wet marshland, and then when he sinks in we can each attack him and share the EXP. Well, everyone except you, Lu Xun- you’ve lost your Ranger powers and can’t participate.

Lu Xun: What the hell? I’m the main character!

Lu Meng: Oh shut up, you angsty little brat.

Lu Xun: Angsty!? This cruel and insensitive world has left me in despair!

Lu Xun goes off to angst by himself, but Sun Quan follows him.

Lu Xun: I just can’t help it, I’m obsessed with Zhuge Liang. All I want is to see his mighty weapon!

Sun Quan: It’s an understandable desire, really, but you won’t ever be happy unless you act on it.

The Guan Yu horse monster slowly approaches the marshy area- it is time for the Pleasure Rangers to act.

Ling Tong: Ranger Blue! Boomerang Strike!

Guan Yu is lured into the marsh, where he sinks down.

Zhuge Jin: Ranger Green! Spider Web!

Zhuge Jin traps Guan Yu in an energy web.

Gan Ning: Ranger Orange! Flare Arrow!

Guan Yu: Gwakaka, such preliminary strikes cannot finish me off!

Lu Meng: It’s my turn! Ranger Turquoise! Revenge Strike! This is for Taishi Ci!

Lu Meng finishes off Guan Yu…or so it seems, until he rises up yet again.

Sun Quan: He’s being driven by the burning passion of HARD GAY! There may be no stopping him! Lu Xun, run away!

Lu Xun: I can’t run away- only a main character can finish off such a high profile enemy! Restore powers- Ranger Red! Ultimate Finishing Blow!

Lu Xun somehow regains his powers and uses them to finally defeat the horse monster, restoring Guan Yu to human form.

To be continued…

(Lu Xun: Why did this have to happen? Now I’m never going to get a glimpse of Master’s mighty weapon!)

Lu Meng: I think there’s a farmhouse nearby- we should rest and have some refreshing HARD GAY there.

Taishi Ci: But we need to get back quickly so that we can service Sun Quan!

Lu Meng: If we’re out of practice, we’ll be in no fit state to service him.

At Liu Bei’s palace, the named Shu characters gather together.

Zhuge Liang: Guan Yu, Zhang Fei, it’s good that you were able to defeat minor Wei characters, but that was just an interlude.

Liu Bei: That’s right- it’s about time you tried to capture the heroes again.

Zhuge Liang: Actually, if we want to observe the proper clichés, we should move on to the next underling for this week. Zhao Yun, it’s your turn to try and fail to capture the heroes, okay?

Liu Bei: Great idea! And afterwards, you can visit my bedroom, okay?

(Zhang Fei: Damn it, aren’t we good enough anymore?)

Meanwhile, the Pleasure Rangers have changed into generic clothes so that they can remain incognito in a farming village.

(Generics: Are those main characters? They’re dressed like us, but they have names!)

Lu Meng: Taishi Ci, what say we take a bath?

Lu Meng takes Taishi Ci into the bathroom to ‘scrub his back’.

Taishi Ci: You’re so small, no one would ever guess you were a soldier! I can see I’m going to have train you in the ways of rough Pleasure.

Lu Meng: I can’t help my size.

Taishi Ci: Oh, don’t worry about it- everyone has to start somewhere. Why, I remember when Sun Ce himself first trained me in the ways of HARD GAY. Ah, good times, good times.

Taishi Ci stands up in the bath.

Lu Meng: Hey, you aren’t that big yourself!

Taishi Ci: Shut up! None of my lovers have ever complained.

They begin having a bit of rough and tumble in the bathroom. Meanwhile, Zhuge Jin, Lu Xun and Ling Tong talk outside.

Zhuge Jin: You know, Lu Xun, you may be the main character, but I have seen Zhuge Liang naked.

Lu Xun: You have!? Tell me all about it!

Lu Xun roughly shoves Ling Tong aside to go to Zhuge Jin.

Zhuge Jin: He was so big and strong and hard- I need a nubile young lover to help me forget about him.

(Zhuge Jin: He has to get the hint this time.)

(Ling Tong: Lu Xun, when will you return to my loving arms?)

Whilst Gan Ning gives himself Flute, Taishi Ci sits down for a drink.

(Taishi Ci: Sun Ce, I have many strong young lovers to service me now, just as you had that marble dildo you were always so fond of.)

Later that night, everyone’s sleep is disturbed by the news that Liu Bei’s men are burning another generic village.

Taishi Ci: There’s no point wasting our energy out there- it’s just another load of generics.

Lu Xun: But we’re meant to be heroes! Pure of heart and short on pragmatism!

Predictably, by the next day Lu Xun is in Angst Mode again, and wants nothing more than to run to Zhuge Liang’s arms. The others stop him.

Taishi Ci: You can’t keep running off in the hopes that you’ll catch a glimpse of Zhuge Liang without any clothes on. You have all of us to service you now- what more could you want?

Lu Xun: Stop ordering me around- I’m the main character!

Taishi Ci: Main character this!

Taishi Ci knocks Lu Xun down.

Lu Meng: Come on, Lu Xun, it’s not all that bad- here, I brought you a silkworm.

Energised by this gift, Lu Xun continues onwards with the others. Meanwhile, Zhao Yun is unhappy.

Zhao Yun: Where are those fit young men? They were supposed to come and service me hours ago!

Zhao Yun thinks back to his last meeting with Zhuge Liang, who gave him an aphrodisiac.

Zhuge Liang: I’ll leave this with you- use it when the time is right.

Back in the present, Zhao Yun can wait no longer. He leaps on Guan Yu and forces the aphrodisiac on him.

Guan Yu: No! I can’t take any more! My backside is on fire!

Lu Xun’s group is just about to cross back into Wu when Zhao Yun appears, ‘riding’ a transformed Guan Yu.

Gan Ning: We must go! This is just getting ridiculous now!

Whilst the others run, Taishi Ci remains behind to face the enemy. Guan Yu appears to have turned into some kind of giant mechanical horse, the stuff of nightmares.

Taishi Ci: It’s time for me to sacrifice myself in the pursuit of the roughest HARD GAY known to man! Go on without me.

Lu Xun: I can’t leave without you!

Lu Meng: Yes we can- there are still several more episodes to fill.

Taishi Ci: Pleasure powers on! Ranger Yellow!

Taishi Ci and the Guan Yu horse monster do battle, both ultimately falling to their apparent deaths.

To be continued…

Taishi Ci: Snap out of it, man- there are only seven episodes left! We have to get back to Wu!

After a brief spot of HORSE, Guan Yu and Zhang Fei report in to Liu Bei.

Liu Bei: What do you mean, you were unable to defeat the Pleasure Rangers? What are you, mindless underlings?

Zhuge Liang: Do not fear, my Lord; this week’s plan will surely succeed, because instead of attacking well protected main characters, we are going after some mid-bosses from Wei.

Liu Bei: Excellent- and if you could perhaps bring back their severed Swords for me, as I seem to have lost mine.

Zhuge Liang: Now get to it- it’s time for Liu Bei and I to have wild Pleasure in the garden.

A jealous Guan Yu and Zhang Fei leave.

Zhang Fei: What the hell is going on between those two? Liu Bei never sleeps with us anymore- I’m so frustrated!

Guan Yu: The only thing we can do now is indulge in a Flashback Mode.

Guan Yu and Zhang Fei think back to the days when they were just generics- until a fateful meeting with Liu Bei elevated them to the status of named characters.

Guan Yu: If not for Liu Bei, we would have remained random generics forever!

Zhang Fei: Even so, are our named character powers enough to stand against Wei?

In order to ensure that it is, Guan Yu has another session with the Lord’s Sphere.

Guan Yu: No matter what the damage to my mind and body, I must saturate myself with HARD GAY energy!

Zhang Fei does the same. Meanwhile, the Wei army marches on Shu, trampling flowers as they go.

Liu Bei: It’s a shame that they want to kill my people and all, but did they have to step on the flowers? That’s just going too far! Guan Yu, Zhang Fei, go and teach them a lesson!

Guan Yu and Zhang Fei activate their HARD GAY auras and fly off (no, seriously, I don’t even need to make this up anymore). They use HARD GAY energy to knock down the Wei generics. In response, Cao Ren and Xu Zhu activate their own HARD GAY power.

Cao Ren: Damn, there’s no beating these guys- they’ve completely given in to their animal instincts!

Since all their generic cannon fodder troops have died, Cao Ren and Xu Zhu beat a hasty retreat.

Liu Bei: Hooray, hooray, genocide today!

Guan Yu: These generics aren’t enough! I need more HARD GAY!

Guan Yu and Zhang Fei try to sate their unnatural desires by turning on each other. Liu Bei runs over to stop them.

Liu Bei: Guan Yu, Zhang Fei- you can’t die yet! We still have the last part of the series to go!

Their HARD GAY energy dissipates.

(Zhuge Liang: Guan Yu, Zhang Fei, you may still live, but Liu Bei’s heart is mine!)

Meanwhile, Lu Xun is running back to the action.

(Lu Xun: I can’t believe this episode passed without my doing anything!)

The other Pleasure Rangers stop him.

Taishi Ci: Think of the plot, man! I know there isn’t much of one, but we can’t mess it up by interfering where we’re not supposed to!

Lu Xun: Fine, I’ll trust in the writers.

To be continued…

Ling Tong: Aniki, are you sure you should go alone?

Lu Xun: Yes- I need to ask Zhuge Liang to bless our union.

Ling Tong: Can I actually count on you to come back? What if he seduces you into breaking up with me?

Lu Xun: I wish- er, I mean, wait here, and if I don’t get any better offers I’ll be back for you later.

Lu Xun goes to meet with Zhuge Liang.

Zhuge Liang: Ah, Lu Xun, I see you have made your decision to settle down with another man.

Lu Xun: Master, I do love you, but you toy so mercilessly with my feelings! You won’t even show me your mighty Sword.

Zhuge Liang: My Sword is not something men can gaze upon without feeling intense jealousy. All you can do is feel it through HARD GAY.

Lu Xun: All I want is for you to treat me as an equal in the bedroom!

Zhuge Liang: Foolish boy- no man can be my equal. That is why I must take up the Lord’s Cube, for only I can fully appreciate its HARD GAY power.

Lu Xun: Master, how can you say such things? I thought our cause was to bring HARD GAY to all of China!

Zhuge Liang: Most of China is composed of generics anyway- why should we named characters care about them? Let’s just have wild orgies together.

Lu Xun: No, I can’t do that- it’s not heroic enough! You’re not the man I thought you were!

Lu Xun leaves and vents his frustration by having WOOD in the forest. Ling Tong approaches.

Lu Xun: Ling Tong, I’m sorry- I don’t think I can marry you right now.

Later, Zhuge Liang contemplates the Lord’s Cube in Liu Bei’s garden.

Liu Bei: Aren’t flowers great? Once they cover this whole country, everyone will be so happy that they won’t feel any urge for Pleasure.

Zhuge Liang: I hate to say this, but men will always feel those urges.

Liu Bei: How sad. They should get in touch with their feminine side- like I have.

Elsewhere, Liu Bei’s generic soldiers confront some generic villagers.

Soldiers: We’re here to bring you peace and happiness by burning down your village and replacing it with flowers!

Villager: I know we’re only generics, but even we can spot the flaws in your plan.

Soldiers: Shut up! We don’t need you exposing the fact that we can only mindlessly follow orders!

The village is burned, and somehow magically within moments the place is turned into a flower garden. The soldiers enslave the generic villagers to water the flowers.

Meanwhile, back at Liu Bei’s palace, Guan Yu returns.

Guan Yu: I’m not feeling so good- I think my health bar is low.

Liu Bei: It’s just as well I saved this meat bun for you, then- as we know from Dynasty Warriors, they restore health.

Later, Zhuge Liang forces Guan Yu to restore his HARD GAY meter through a session with the Lord’s Sphere.

Zhuge Liang: Thank you, Guan Yu- that will be enough.

Zhang Fei: What are you doing to my Guan Yu?

Zhuge Liang: Just relieving my desires.

Zhang Fei: You’ve damaged his body with your rough HARD GAY!

Guan Yu: Quiet, Zhang Fei- it’s enough that I got to see his mighty weapon.

Zhuge Liang: Indeed, and in return for that privilege, I want you to go and kill Lu Xun. You probably won’t succeed, but the conflict should take up another couple of episodes. In the meantime, Zhang Fei, you can give me HARD GAY.

Zhang Fei: I have to admit I like the look of your backside, but I really need some screen time, so I’ll go and be the one to kill Lu Xun.

Zhuge Jin has been spying on this exchange.

(Zhuge Jin: This series makes no sense anymore!)

The next day, Ling Tong and Lu Xun are making their way back to Wu when Zhang Fei confronts them.

Zhang Fei: Zhang Fei is here! Listen, Lu Xun- Zhuge Liang will never give you HARD GAY! If you want the next best thing, come and meet me for a liaison in the foothills- but remember, if we can’t reach a suitable climax, I’ll get so frustrated that I’ll burn down a village with my Flaming Passion!

Zhang Fei somehow turns into a fireball and flies off. Meanwhile, Zhuge Jin confronts Zhuge Liang.

Zhuge Jin: Brother, I’ve been watching you, and I have to say that I never thought you’d stoop to such vulgar practices.

Zhuge Liang: The world is filled with men who will do anything for money; in fact, the purity of HARD GAY has become so corrupt that the only thing I can do is destroy the world.

Zhuge Jin: Ah, so you’re going to be the final boss, then.

Zhuge Liang: Indeed.

Meanwhile, Zhang Fei is in the midst of Flaming Passion. Ling Tong decides to face him, and somehow flies off to meet him.

Lu Xun: I’d like to help, but I feel a touch of Angst Mode coming on. Oh Master, why did you forsake me?

Ling Tong and Zhang Fei get caught up in intense HARD GAY, whilst Zhuge Jin and Zhuge Liang watch from afar.

Zhuge Jin: Brother, don’t sink to the level of a mere final boss! Come back with me, so that we can share each other’s bodies as we used to!

Meanwhile, the HARD GAY face-off continues.

Zhang Fei: You’re not bad, boy, but as a supporting Ranger, you can’t hope to win without your leader. Final Attack!

Lu Xun appears from nowhere to block the blow. Shortly after, Guan Yu joins the battle in Berserk Mode.

Guan Yu: Who is my lover!?

Zhang Fei: It’s me, brother!

Guan Yu: I don’t know you! Oh well, any lover will do!

Guan Yu becomes consumed by Flaming Passion. He knocks Lu Xun out of Pleasure Ranger mode.

Zhuge Liang: Brother, you are the only man I could ever love.

Guan Yu is about to violate Zhang Fei when Taishi Ci, Lu Meng and Gan Ning somehow appear out of nowhere to attack him.

Lu Xun: The Pleasure Rangers are reunited! We can’t lose now!

Guan Yu: More men! I must have more men!

Zhang Fei: Stop it, brother! I’m the only one you need!

Zhang Fei knocks out Guan Yu and walks away.

Zhuge Jin: Sorry, brother, but I have other lovers to attend to now. Farewell.

The Pleasure Rangers return home.

To be continued…

(Ling Tong: He has to notice me after this!)

(Lu Xun: Master, why have you forsaken me for the charms of other men?)

The next day, Lu Xun visits the shrine with Sun Quan.

Lu Xun: Before he died, Zhou Yu told me that Master was in danger.

Sun Quan: This is serious news indeed- without him, China would lose a valuable source of HARD GAY. Lu Xun, as the main character, you must save him.

They are interrupted by the sound of Gan Ning having Flute.

Gan Ning: Damn, this will never be as good as when Zhou Yu used to give me Flute- but even so, I have to keep the urges away somehow.

In Shu, Liu Bei admires the flowers in his garden.

Liu Bei: I love flowers and gardens- which is why I always dress as if I were a character from Red Garden.

Guan Yu: My lord, I can’t help thinking that maybe, as a leader, you should try being a bit more…well, practical?

Liu Bei: Why? Flowers make people smile!

Guan Yu: I’m no expert, but they might need, you know, vegetables and stuff to live?

Liu Bei: Honestly, such a prosaic outlook.

Zhuge Liang: Indeed, for flowers are useful in expanding one’s mind.

Liu Bei: I can always count on you to see my point!

Zhuge Liang: Now, let us frolic amongst the flowers.

Zhuge Liang smiles back at Guan Yu and Zhang Fei as he takes their lover off for some HARD GAY.

Zhang Fei: Damn him- this is happening just like it did in the ROTK anime.

Guan Yu is overtaken by HARD GAY energy.

Guan Yu: Damn, it’s happening again- my flower phobia is acting up! I must burn everything!

Zhang Fei: Me too- I long for the roaring flames of passion!

Back in Wu, Sun Quan and his generals discuss recent events.

Zhang Zhao: Liu Bei and his men have begun indulging in Flaming Passion- burning villages and the like.

Sun Quan: But the novel says that Liu Bei is righteous and good- we cannot change people’s perceptions of him now!

Taishi Ci: Lu Xun, you’re the main character- come up with something.

Lu Xun: Um, er…

Later, Lu Xun angsts outside. Ling Tong approaches him.

Ling Tong: Lu Xun, I know you’re upset right now, but maybe a little HARD GAY with me would help.

Lu Xun: Ling Tong, are you trying to say that all this time…you wanted HARD GAY with me? I never realised!

That night, Lu Xun and Ling Tong try to elope together, but Lu Meng catches up with them.

Ling Tong: Damn, caught trying to elope.

Lu Meng: Good luck- here, I made some food for the wedding.

Lu Meng hands over a box of food.

Ling Tong: How did you know?

Lu Meng: The way you looked at Lu Xun- it had to happen eventually.

Lu Xun: Thank you.

Ling Tong: All right, that’s enough of that- we have a wedding night to get to!

Lu Xun and Ling Tong set off on their journey.

(Lu Xun: Master, soon I will be a married man- am I doing the right thing?)

Once they reach Shu, the couple dress as women to get through the checkpoint.

Lu Xun: Where did you get these clothes?

Ling Tong: My wardrobe, of course- I’ve been into this kind of thing ever since Father bought me my first skirt.

As they continue onwards, a dispute breaks out between soldiers and generics without a gate pass. The soldiers are about to take action when Guan Yu appears and strikes them down.

Guan Yu: Using Sword against generics is a waste of time! If you’re so desperate for action, then get over here and service my muscular body.

By passing themselves off as performers, Lu Xun and Ling Tong make it to the nearest town, where, for some reason, Guan Yu starts hoeing at a patch of ground.

(Guan Yu: This Harvest Moon experience was the best investment of my life.)

Soldiers: So girls, what exactly is it that you can do?

Ling Tong: Well, uh, I give good Boomerang.

Ling Tong demonstrates against a tree, attracting Guan Yu’s attention.

Guan Yu: I know a trap when I see one! These aren’t women, they’re something better- cross dressers!

Guan Yu exposes Lu Xun.

Guan Yu: Oh, it’s you. Are you here to give me some HARD GAY?

Lu Xun: Actually, I’m supposed to be eloping with Ling Tong, but actually I wanted to try to get a look at Master’s Sword beforehand.

Guan Yu: And if he doesn’t want to show it to you?

Lu Xun: Then I have no choice but to get married.

Meanwhile, one of the generic soldiers comes onto Ling Tong, who refuses his advances.

Ling Tong: Stay away from me! I won’t be violated by a mere generic on my wedding day!

A spear thrust from the generic soldier exposes Ling Tong.

Generics: Wait a minute- that’s a guy! We don’t have to worry about resorting to STRAIGHT after all!

Ling Tong tries to beat off the generics with his Boomerang, but accidentally strikes Guan Yu instead.

Guan Yu: Aagh, I’m feeling uncontrollably aroused!

HARD GAY energy begins to take over Guan Yu’s body. He tries to take Lu Xun by force.

Ling Tong: Lu Xun, resist him- I won’t marry you if you’re tainted goods!

Lu Xun: Activate Pleasure Ranger powers! Ranger Red!

Lu Xun fights Guan Yu, who has become some kind of Mutant of the Week. Ling Tong runs to intervene.

(Guan Yu: This boy’s feminine looks remind me of Liu Bei!)

Guan Yu’s HARD GAY energy dissipates.

Guan Yu: My boss battle must end now, and so I will randomly give you directions to Zhuge Liang. Hurry, before the raging beast between my legs awakens again.

Lu Xun and Ling Tong run off.

(Guan Yu: I’m going to have a hell of a time explaining this in anger management class.)

To be continued…