Indeed, as far as parody goes, Jyu-oh-sei is a veritable goldmine of material, but unfortunately, the very aspects that make it easy to make fun of also prevent it from having much in the way of entertainment value. The tale of twin cyclewear models brothers ripped from their sterile and futuristic life on the Juno colony and sent to prison planet Chimera somehow covers the entire spectrum of awfulness- from the laughably ridiculous to the downright dire, no type of mediocrity is neglected.

Spoiler Alert! The ending will be revealed…

Episodes 1-5: The Destined Hero
Every story needs a destined hero, but at the start, Jyu-oh-sei appeared to have two; what else could it do, then, than kill off Rai in his very first episode on Chimera? Poor Rai was so unimportant that he didn’t even get to return later as an enemy- all he could do was appear briefly in the OP.

Meanwhile, for Thor, events were to proceed more favourably. Protected by his main character status and a single beam knife, Thor was easily able to navigate the hazardous planet of Chimera and even defeat more experienced opponents when the plot called for it. Within the space of five episodes, he manages to recruit named allies, secure his own Ring (one of the four hierarchical settlements on the planet) and begin a quest to become Chimera’s Jyu Oh (Beast King). The Jyu Oh is the only one who can leave the planet, for when someone takes that position by defeating the other Ring leaders, the space elevator known as Dagger Pagoda magically knows to activate and let him go to Hecate, supposedly another prison planet- is it really worth the effort?

At Thor’s side are the obligatory supporting characters- Tiz, a girl who inexplicably wants to marry Thor after first catching sight of him, and Third, the manipulator of the series. Third is a man entirely devoted to the plot- through actions so blatant that the audience can see them a mile off even as the other characters fail to notice them, he makes sure that everything runs smoothly.

Unfortunately, Chimera is a world of contradictions and lack of explanations. For example, apparently men and women live separately, but where some Rings have a mixture of males and females as leaders, others seem to have separate hierarchies for male and female. Admittedly, Chimera is said to be short on females, but we only ever see about six women in the course of the show- surely there cannot be that few.

Worse yet, however, are the points which are introduced for the sole purpose of being forgotten by the next episode. In the first episode, we learn of the Wild Children who belong to no Ring, but aside from seeing their leader Zagi as a Ring leader later in the series, the actual Wild Children themselves are never referenced again. Equally pointless is the revelation that Thor has not had life-extension surgery and will only live to about twenty years of age- since we never see him reach this age, do we really need to know?

Episodes 6-9: It all turns HARD GAY
At the end of episode five, we see night finally come to Chimera and antagonist Zagi make his move against the Rings. We then skip ahead around five years or so whilst Zagi patiently waits for Thor to go through puberty- only then can he finally come forward and initiate the next arc. In order to provide a contrasting view, Zagi is interested in HARD GAY with Thor gaining independence for Chimera; he even goes so far as to attempt to alter the course of the series, although fortunately Third is there to get things back on track. In the end, Zagi must simply settle for being an inconsistent personality who switches between trying to use the leads for his own ends and accepting his place as an unimportant supporting character.

Thor, meanwhile, has issues far more important than the plot to attend to in this arc- having finally met Karin (a girl who briefly appears in the OP) he immediately falls in love with her. Unfortunately, being an OP character is no guarantee of immortality in this series, and Karin dies a scant two episodes later- just the impetus needed for Thor to defeat Zagi and become Jyu Oh. It’s almost as if someone wanted things to happen that way…which of course they did. Yes, it’s Third up to his old tricks again, but can you blame him when the series has too few episodes in which to digress?

Episodes 10-11: Call that a plot?
If the rest of the series was poor, it was nonetheless nowhere near the depths plumbed by the last two episodes, a mishmash of poorly thought out story ideas that ranged from the laughable to the perplexing. Thor has become Jyu Oh, and the time has come to leave the planet, but beyond the orbit of Chimera lies only reams of exposition and a conclusion so bad that even the series’ handful of fans could not defend it.

The future of humanity.
As hinted at earlier in the series, humanity is slowly dying out, with only Chimera proving to be a place where people actually have children without artificial intervention (perhaps a few sex education pamphlets elsewhere would have helped out). In the most convoluted of plans, therefore, anyone who became Jyu Oh was allowed to leave the planet in order to be frozen in cold storage; after all that, the genetic material of these promising human samples was somehow combined to create Thor, who as lead character just happens to be the destined saviour of the human race- in fact, stranding him on Chimera was all part of the great plan to test his worthiness.

Thor is not just a typical destined lead, however- his powers go beyond even that. Artificially implanted into a surrogate mother’s womb, he nonetheless managed to look like his ‘mother’ and ‘brother’, thanks to his ‘magical DNA’. Although it requires a not-inconsiderable stretch, I could just about live with this happening in the womb due to some kind of retrovirus, but any vague chance at credibility this plot element has is blown out of the water when adult Thor somehow ‘absorbs’ the physical characteristics of Tiz and Third after their deaths.

The ridiculousness does not end there- having gone to all this trouble to use Chimera as a breeding ground, final boss Odin and his obligatory scientist underling Dr Loki have created a system that will speed up the rotation of the planet, killing the inhabitants but apparently making it the perfect place for Thor’s descendants (it is unclear whether they will be clones or genuine offspring) to grow up in. Yes, the one planet that humanity has been able to prosper on is to be unrealistically altered by a special doomsday device created for the sole purpose of being deactivated by the main heroes.

Of course, you can’t have such a device and make it easy to switch on and off- instead, once activated, the device requires an entire episode of clichéd action elements in order to reach its central controls. Cue the final episode, a sequence of scenes surely ripped from any action film or role-playing game, in which our heroes battle successively harder enemies on their way to the control room, with lesser characters and generics sacrificing themselves so that Thor can complete the mission and escape. They aren’t entirely successful, but it hardly matters- somehow, the very plants of Chimera rise up and stop the relevant parts of the doomsday device from landing on the surface. Who needs to work when the plants will do it for you?

By this point, even Odin has had enough of the series- having decided that this whole final boss thing isn’t really for him, he inexplicably decides to scrap his life’s work in favour of letting the hero live in peace on Chimera.

Third, and final
On top of its basic story, Jyu-oh-sei’s finale seems determined to throw in some character deaths for no apparent reason whatsoever. Back on Chimera, Tiz takes a bullet to the shoulder after protecting Zagi from a random generic, only to fall down a crevasse and subsequently breathe her last (compare to Odin, who gets shot in the chest but acts as if he has barely been scratched). Pointless as Tiz’ death was, however, she was not alone- Third also meets his end in the final episode.

In case anyone hadn’t noticed how scheming and manipulative Third was, the final arc reveals him to be one of Odin’s agents who was specifically sent to Chimera to watch over Thor (this was supposed to be a test of Thor’s survival abilities, but there would have been no series if he actually had died). Third’s actions were motivated by his lifelong desire to see Earth, but upon learning that it had been destroyed 130 years ago, perhaps he just didn’t have the will to continue living. Either way, it’s hard for the audience to care about these facts when they are introduced so late in the story.

Final Thoughts
It may have only had eleven episodes to cover a series that spanned five manga volumes, but Jyu-oh-sei does an exceptionally poor job of telling its story. From its average beginning to its completely ridiculous ending, there is little to recommend this series- save yourself the pain and watch something else instead.

Last time on Jyu-oh-sei: The plot was revealed to be completely ridiculous, Odin explained his desire to become a final boss with unlimited HARD GAY partners, and certain characters switched sides for no apparent reason.

And now the conclusion…

Thor, Third, Loki and the generics prepare to enter part one of the final boss dungeon on Hecate.

Loki: It looks like Valkyrie has locked down the Ion II research centre and turned it into a special boss dungeon just for us.

(Thor: Thank god I brought all these expendable generics along.)

Thor: All right, let’s enter the facility. I’ll stand here at the back whilst the generics risk themselves by going first.

Begin Level One: Plant Panic!

Thor’s team enters the facility, only to be confronted by an overgrowth of plants from Chimera. Some generics rush ahead and get eaten by the killer plants.

Thor: Stay back! I can’t afford to lose all my generics on the first level!

Third: Equip Flamethrower!

Third burns the plants so that the party can proceed, but another generic is eaten by a Verasona.

Thor: Leave this to me, my Anti-Verasona level is high. Item Use- Grenade!

Thor lures the Verasona out with a grenade.

Thor: Now for some impressive manly antics! Third, cover me!

Third: You know, now that we all know my name, I wish people would start using it.

Thor: You can’t expect me to change my ways just for the last episode.

Thor shoots the Verasona bulb, killing it.

Thor: This must have been the boss enemy, so that means we’ve cleared level one.

Third: Don’t get complacent; there’s more to come.

The team moves on.

Level One Clear! Begin Level Two: Beast King Brawler!

On the next level, the generic Jyu Ohs are unfrozen and sent to attack the party with intense HARD GAY.

Generic: AAGH! The HARD GAY is too much for me to take!

Third: Thor, ‘shooting’ these naked men could take a while- why don’t you and the professor go on ahead?

Thor: You’re right- we can’t afford to waste time on the last episode.

Thor and Loki move on to the Jyu Oh storage room. Despite having bothered to stay behind, Third and the remaining generics finish up quickly enough to be right behind them.

Loki: Oh no, this is an infinite enemies level!

Thor: In that case, we’ll just have to cheat.

Thor shoots the pods that store the Jyu Ohs before they can revive.

Loki: What are you doing? Those are important HARD GAY samples!

Thor: Hey, I thought you said I was the most HARD GAY of them all! These nameless men cannot compare to me!

Thor kills the sleeping Jyu Ohs, only to trigger a holographic projection of the Earth.

Level Two Clear!

Loki: It’s a cutscene!

The synthesised voice of Thor’s mother is heard.

Eva/Valkyrie: Thor, you must understand that our plans of evil are not entirely pointless. Humanity must do what it can to survive, since the Earth was actually destroyed 130 years ago. In a spectacularly contrived twist of plot, it was hit by the same meteor that had previously passed by Chimera and changed its rotation speed.

Third: The Earth is gone? Are you trying to tell me that everything I’ve worked for has been completely pointless?

Thor destroys the holographic projector with some random shots that just happen to hit their target.

Thor: Join the club. Now come on, we still have several levels to complete.

Begin Level Three: Computer Chaos!

The team moves on to the computer room.

Loki: There shouldn’t be any enemies on this level. I’ll just input the code to shut down the evil final boss process.

Unfortunately, the code does not work.

Thor: There’s nothing for it- we’ll just have to destroy Valkyrie.

Loki: Wait, you can’t do that! It’ll cause an explosion, and bring down the shield so we can’t escape, and, erm, well I’m sure there’s some other important reasons as well.

Thor: For heaven’s sake, old man, just make up your mind whose side you’re on!

Third: Generics, fire at those computer panels!

The generics destroy the computer panels in front of them, which somehow takes down the whole Valkyrie system.

Level Three Clear! Begin Level Four: Mega Scramble!

Loki: What have you done?

Third: The game timer has started counting down. Our mission objective is to reach the helipad on the roof within twenty minutes.

Loki: You fool- no one could do it in less than forty!

Third: Thor’s the main character- I’m sure he’ll find a way.

Back at evil boss HQ, Odin’s underlings report to him.

Underling: Valkyrie has been destroyed! The Ball of evil and doom is moving erratically.

Odin: Damn, why isn’t everything going to plan? What did I do wrong?

Underling: Something strange is happening- there’s a huge growth of Musa on the surface!

Down on Chimera, Zagi has somehow found the strength to go outside. Tiz approaches him.

Tiz: Zagi, what are you doing?

Zagi: All I ever wanted was to be the main character- in fact, when I signed up to take part in this series, I thought I was getting the lead role. It wasn’t until episode two that I realised the series was about Thor.

Tiz: I don’t really understand what you’re talking about, but you have to get to safety. Thor would be mad at me if I let his favourite HARD GAY partner die.

Zagi: Favourite?

Tiz: Well, he didn’t kill you after your last encounter, so he must like you.

As Chen and Rada come out to get Tiz and Zagi, a random Night Ring generic appears to avenge his people.

Night Ring Generic: Damn you, Zagi! Die!

The generic fires his gun.

Tiz: Pointless Self-Sacrifice!

Tiz takes the bullet. Moments later, the ground opens up and swallows the generic, whilst Tiz and Zagi fall into the newly created crevasse.

Chen: Tiz! Why did we have to have this pointless twist?

Meanwhile, Thor and the others are climbing the maintenance ladder to the helipad when a Verasona bursts out of the wall and attacks.

Thor: I thought there were no enemies on this level! We’re going to run out of time if we have to stop for random encounters.

Loki stays behind.

Loki: Don’t worry, Thor! Run away like a man whilst I lock down this section and keep the Verasona contained!

Thor: Professor!

Third: Keep going, Thor- he’s just an unimportant character!

The party leaves Loki behind as he locks himself in with the Verasona.

Loki: Go, Thor…go and spread BI throughout the galaxy.

Odin receives a report about the Balls of evil and doom.

Underling: Four of the Balls have stopped! The other two have been blocked by the Musa roots!

Odin: Is it over yet? The plot is getting really stupid now, and I just want to go home and have a cup of tea.

At the bottom of the crevasse, Zagi cradles Tiz in his arms.

Zagi: Tiz, you can’t pointlessly die in the last episode! Pull yourself together.

Tiz: I just wanted to live out the series, but the studio couldn’t afford to pay me for the last seven minutes of this episode.

Tiz dies.

Zagi: Well, that’s one less rival for Thor’s love.

Thor and Third reach a locked door.

Thor: For some reason I can’t open it.

Third: This must be a switch puzzle…ah look, the switch is on the floor in front of us.

Third goes over to the switch, but a quake from the lower levels causes him to fall over the edge into the maintenance shaft. Fortunately, Thor catches him just in time.

Third: Thor, just let go of me! The most important thing is that the main character survives!

Thor: I won’t let go! If you die, who am I going to have HARD GAY with?

Third: I guess you won’t let go no matter what I say…after all, I was the one who introduced you to Chimera’s HARD GAY techniques and made you what you are today. Making a lengthy speech whilst hanging over the edge of this maintenance shaft isn’t ideal, I know, but I won’t get another opportunity. You see, my contract has just expired, and it’s time for me to go.

Third draws a gun and shoots himself in the head.

Thor: Third!

Now alone, Thor reaches the helipad, only to find that the helicopter is buried in a pile of rubble.

Thor: Is this it? How can I ever complete this game?

For some reason, Thor’s skin starts getting darker.

Thor: Must be my magical DNA at work.

Thor sees a vision of Tiz cosplaying as Reika from RahXephon.

Thor: Tiz, all my other partners have deserted me- you’re all I have left.

Level Four Complete! Cutscene on!

Conveniently, an aircraft of generics appears to rescue Thor.

Thor: Wait, Tiz is still down there! It makes no sense that she would be standing on top of this building in a cream dress, but we can’t leave her behind.

Thor struggles as the generics take him on board.

Some time later, Thor visits Odin, who is recuperating in bed.

Odin: I wanted to be a final boss and have HARD GAY with you, but since there’s only about three minutes of this series left, I’ve given up on all that. I’m just going to leave Chimera alone from now on.

Thor: All I ever wanted was to leave Chimera, but now I see that the plot just went downhill once I got away from there.

Down on Chimera, Chen and Rada rescue a girl who looks like Tiz.

Rada: Taking in another child?

Chen: Now that the Rings have collapsed and no one’s being sent down from above, we need to concentrate on finding home-grown partners for Thor.

Thor arrives, now with black hair- he seems to have absorbed the appearances of Third and Tiz into his own.

Thor: Your name will be Tiz. Now come with me- Daddy has something special to show you.

The end- yes, the pain is over at last!

Generic: Wow, I never imagined that you’d be so good looking.

(Thor: Is this guy trying to hit on me? He should know that I’m only interested in named characters.)

Generic: Anyway, as of now, you have been pardoned- you may leave the prison planet Chimera in order to go and live on the prison planet Hecate.

Everyone gets on the Dagger Pagoda elevator.

(Thor: This is the plot outcome I wanted, but I feel as I can hear a voice saying “don’t go”. Is it the voice of the plot?)

The elevator stops at Chimera space port. Dr. Loki is waiting.

Loki: Okay, generics, you can go now- the leads should be dealt with by named characters. Hello, everyone, I am Doctor Loki, a stereotypical researcher. Follow me to reach an Exposition Point.

The trio follow Loki, but Captain Heimdall and more generics appear.

Generic: I’m sorry, but only the main character is worthy of an audience with Odin.

Tiz: Thor, I won’t be left behind again! What if you get up to more HARD GAY behind my back?

Thor: It’ll be okay…whatever happens, I’ll still treat you in the same uncaring way.

Thor is led away.

Heimdall: Well done, Third- or should I say Lt Sigurd Heiza- you have successfully completed your assigned task of being generally manipulative and evil.

Tiz: Third!? I would never have guessed such an open and honest person could be evil.

Thor is taken to see Odin.

Odin: Ah, Thor, it’s been five years since we last met, during which time I have become older and uglier.

Thor: Odin!

Odin: Are you angry? I guess it’s not unexpected, since I did kill your parents and strand you on a hostile planet with your brother.

(Thor: I had a brother? I must have forgotten about that.)

Odin: You know, if you want to kill me, that’s fine- just as long as my final wish is carried out.

Thor: Final wish?

Odin: Why, dear boy, to be HARD GAY with you!

Thor shoves Odin away.

Thor: As if I would ever be HARD GAY with someone as old and ugly as you!

Loki: Exposition Mode on! Now seems as good a time as any to explain that our researchers have discovered that an excess of HARD GAY means that humanity will be extinct within 50 years.

Thor: Then Chimera…

Odin: It isn’t just a prison planet, it is a place in which people can become BI and breed again.

Thor: And the frozen Jyu-ohs?

Odin: They are important samples of BI, which we use to artificially breed BI offspring to be returned to Chimera.

Thor: Isn’t this all a little convoluted?

Odin: Don’t you dare criticise my ultimate plan of evil!

Thor: I get it…this is all about breeding the perfect HARD GAY partner for you, isn’t it?

Thor throws Odin to the ground. Generics appear and aim their guns at him.

Odin: Don’t shoot! He is my destined HARD GAY partner- the culmination of generations of breeding!

Thor lets go of Odin.

Odin: Yes, that’s right, Thor, you were the perfect HARD GAY man we strove to achieve. The people you thought were your parents were not even related to you- Rai was their real son. That was why he was so inferior that he had to die in the first episode.

Thor: This makes no sense- if I’m not related to mother and this brother you keep talking about, why did we look so alike?

Odin: I can explain that too; you see, to make this revelation a bit of a surprise, the special plot device known as Magic DNA made you look like your surrogate family.

Thor sinks to his knees.

Thor: I can’t believe it…to think the truth behind this series would be so ridiculous…

Odin: I’m not finished yet, for I must also mention that we always intended to test the extent of your HARD GAY and BI tendencies by sending you to Chimera to refine them- and when your parents refused, we killed them.

Thor: Mother…father…

Odin: Anyway, enough talk- the important thing is to breed from you as much as possible.

Thor: If it involves beautiful women, count me in.

Third arrives, now altered to look like a short-haired Thor.

Odin: Allow me to introduce Lt. Sigurd Heiza, known to you as Third. He originally auditioned for the part of main character, but had to alter his appearance when he was cast in a supporting role. His mission was to keep the plot moving in the right direction.

Thor: You…you killed Karin, didn’t you?

Third: Has it really taken you all that time to figure it out?

Thor: Damn, I just don’t get what this series is supposed to be about any more.

Later, Third is told he will be part of the delegation to go to Earth as he wanted.

Third: Since it’s the penultimate episode of the series, what better time to stop and have a Flashback Mode? Ever since I was young, I always wanted to go to the Earth. Although it has never been mentioned before, this is the driving force behind my character.

Loki takes Thor back to the room where Tiz is waiting.

Tiz: Thor, are you okay? Did they wear you out with HARD GAY?

Loki: From now on, he’ll be participating in all our HARD GAY experiments.

Tiz: Get out.

Loki: I’ll come for you tomorrow, Thor.

Thor and Tiz are left alone.

Thor: How could this happen? I’m the main character, but I’ve only just learned the truth behind everything in this, the penultimate episode! I may as well give up on being the lead and become a generic.

Tiz: Thor, you mustn’t become disheartened now- the series will be ending soon anyway.

Thor: You’re right. Let’s just go back to Chimera and have children.

Loki reports to Odin.

Odin: Where’s Thor?

Loki: In the cabin.

Odin: We must begin the HARD GAY DNA extraction at once, for I must make an entire generation of perfect HARD GAY partners to tend to me in my old age. After that, we must increase Chimera’s self-rotation rate.

Loki: Isn’t that an incredibly evil and pointless course of action that will kill most of the people living on Chimera?

Odin: Of course it is- you can’t be a final boss without a pointless and evil plan! If you try to stop me, I will deal with you as well!

Loki: You…I always knew you were an evil final boss, but never did I once assume that you were an evil final boss!

Loki draws a gun.

Loki: I can’t believe I slept with such an evil man! This is the last time I fire my ‘pistol’ at you!

Loki fires at Odin, who theatrically takes the bullet and falls to his knees. As if on cue, the generics only rush in after Odin has been shot. They restrain Loki.

Heimdall: Sir, are you okay?

Odin: I have sustained a bullet wound in a vital area, but nonetheless I have enough stamina left to theatrically stagger around and play the part of the final boss.

Odin goes over to his control panel and enters a simple key sequence.

Odin: Activate Ultimate Plan of Evil!

Computer: Ultimate Plan of Evil- Start!

In the cabin…

Tiz: Thor, what’s going on?

Thor: I don’t know, but it might be some kind of Ultimate Plan of Evil. Since we’re main characters, we should go and see.

They leave the cabin and run into Third.

Third: Hi guys, let’s forget all about that betraying your confidence thing and go and see what’s going on.

Thor: Sure, why not? Do you know anything about this Ultimate Plan of Evil?

Third: As a matter of fact, I do. It is a pointless and scientifically unsound plan to accelerate Chimera’s self rotation in the hopes of providing the optimal environment for raising your HARD GAY offspring.

Thor, Tiz and Third reach the control room.

Thor: What have you done? Switch it off immediately!

Odin: Idiot boy, I just switched it on! This is my Ultimate Evil Plan- I can’t be a final boss without one!

Loki: My last act of exposition shall be to tell you what to do. In order to ensure a dramatic finale, the plan cannot be switched off from here; instead, you must go to the Valkyrie on Hecate.

Thor: How long do we have?

Third: Just two hours- any longer and it would be too easy.

(Thor: At last I’ve found my destined role in the plot!)

Thor: It is clearly my duty to stop it; Third, you can come with me in case I need HARD GAY on the way there.

Third: I don’t actually obey your orders, but since I want the screen time I shall come along anyway.

Thor: Tiz, you’re just a woman so you can go back to Chimera and wait for me to save the day.

Thor gets dressed into his “Saving the Day” costume, before heading out with Third, Loki, Heimdall and some generics. They leave for Hecate on a sphere known as “The Ball”.

To be concluded…

Thor: Tiz, please let me in; all I said was that I loved Karin instead of you- I don’t know why you’re so angry about a little thing like that.

Tiz opens the door.

Tiz: Look, I understand that you’re the main character, but at least let me be your second wife.

(Thor: Now that’s what I like to hear.)

Meanwhile, Karin goes to see Zagi.

Zagi: You know, Karin, I really have to thank you. I thought I could blind Thor with the power of my HARD GAY, but in the end, it was your feminine charms that won him over.

Karin: Zagi, what is it you want with Thor? Is it just HARD GAY?

Zagi: Of course not, it’s more plot related than that. Thor is just another tool.

Karin: You really are trying to set yourself up as an antagonist by belittling the main character like that.

Zagi: I’m bad to the bone, honey.

Karin: I hate you and want to kill you; therefore the logical thing for me to do now is to passionately kiss you.

(Zagi: I still have my bad boy charm- and this black leather outfit probably doesn’t hurt, either.)

Zagi: Karin, enjoyable as this is, I’m afraid I’m going to have to loan you to Thor for a while so that you can spy on him.

Karin: You went as far as having HARD GAY with Thor, but you still don’t trust him?

Zagi: I’m an antagonist; my character description says I’m not to trust anyone.

Karin: Even me?

Zagi: Who do you love more, Karin, me or Thor?

Karin: The man I’ve loved and followed for years, or the main character I met two episodes ago- hard choice.

Zagi: I see.

Zagi leaves. Karin staggers outside in order to randomly stumble around and call for Zagi. Eventually, she catches up with a hooded man whom she believes to be Zagi, but he stabs her in the chest.

(Karin: Zagi, I should be angry that you cut my screen time short, but in my twisted logic I understand that you killed me because you love me.)

Having heard her calls, Thor and Tiz run outside and find Karin’s body.

(Thor: This can’t be happening. I finally found a woman that I liked, and she got herself killed- now I’ll have to go back to Tiz!)

(Tiz: This is perfect- my rival is gone!)

Thor confronts Zagi and attacks him, slicing open his cheek.

Zagi: Are you so jealous of me that you would try to ruin my good looks?

Somehow, everyone automatically knows to gather around.

Third: It looks like those two will be battling for the position of Jyu Oh after all. It’s almost as convenient as if I had arranged it myself, er, I mean I would never do such a thing.

Zagi draws his ‘sword’ and begins to duel with Thor.

Chen: This is bad; as a BI master, Zagi has a second sword concealed on his arm. Even the power of a main character might be enough to match that.

Thor knocks away Zagi’s ‘sword’.

Zagi: Cloak and Dagger!

Zagi tries to blind Thor with his cloak so that he can attack with the concealed blade, but it does not work.

Thor: Main Character Destiny Slash!

Thor counterattacks and slices open Zagi’s chest.

Zagi: Oh great, my outfit is ruined now.

Thor: Zagi, why did you kill Karin?

Zagi: If you had just talked to me before giving me this fatal wound, I would have been able to tell you that I didn’t kill Karin. I may be an antagonist, but I’ve always tried not to stray onto the path of fully generic evil.

Thor: If you didn’t kill her, then who did?

Thor approaches Zagi in order to find out the truth.

Zagi: I’d like to tell you, but that would spoil the suspense. I’ll give you a few clues- he’s an important HARD GAY OP character.

Zagi collapses.

Third: A new Jyu Oh is born!

Third approaches Thor.

(Thor: An important HARD GAY OP character…it couldn’t possibly be Third.)

Third: Come on, Thor, finish him off so that we can enjoy some celebratory HARD GAY.

As Third urges Thor to finish the job, Dagger Pagoda lights up.

Rada: It’s Dagger Pagoda- how does it know?

Third: Come on, Thor, it’s time to go and fulfil the original plot.

Thor: Zagi is still alive, I can’t leave him.

Third: Of course you can- we’ll just get the women to look after him whilst we fit young males enjoy some HARD GAY.

Thor: Erm, well, I’d like to look at Karin’s dead body one last time.

Third: Oh, okay then, but don’t be more than five minutes- the episode is about to end, after all.

Thor goes to say goodbye to Karin.

Thor: Karin, I don’t have any clue as to who killed you- in fact, I don’t even know what the plot of this series is supposed to be anymore. All I can do is trigger the Dagger Pagoda event and hope things work out.

Thor, Tiz and Third go to Dagger Pagoda, which opens up. As they enter, they meet three generics.

Generic: Well done, Thor Klein, you have cleared the Jyu Oh event.

To be continued.

Rada: Third, Thor and Tiz have gone again.

Third: Damn, when will they learn to stop leaving me behind- I hardly had any screen time last episode. I guess I’d better go after them.

Rada: Hey, what were you doing in here in the first place?

Third: Uh, nothing…

Third goes off to find Thor and Tiz. Meanwhile, Thor has awakened at the bottom of the ravine.

Thor: Thank goodness I’m a main character- that didn’t hurt at all. Now to find Karin.

Fortunately, Karin is only a short way away. Thor awakens her.

Thor: Thank goodness you’re uninjured.

Karin: I’m a named character too, you know- it’s just that I like randomly lying around until a man comes along to wake me up.

Back at Night Ring, Tiz is worried about Thor.

Tiz: Thor, as long as I’m not there to stop you, who knows what sort of HARD GAY activities you might get up to? You might even end up with that other woman- she is one of the few named females in the series, after all.

As soon as the blizzard eases up, Tiz rushes outside to search for Thor.

Tiz: Thor, you won’t get away from me that easily!

In the ravine, Thor tries to climb out, but the roots break under his weight.

Thor: I should have known the plot wouldn’t make it that easy. Still, these roots must have water running through them; we can survive if I cut them open.

Thor tries to cut open a root with his beam knife, but to no avail.

Thor: Damn, why did the roots that broke so easily when I climbed them suddenly attain the toughness of steel?

(Thor: I guess we’ll be okay since we’re both named OP characters, but if we spend the rest of the series in this ravine, it won’t be very interesting.)

Karin: At least you have a reason to get out of here, but now that Zagi has chosen you as his partner instead of me, I have nothing to live for.

Thor: Karin, you’ve misunderstood- just because I’m with Zagi doesn’t mean that I can’t have a relationship with you too!

Karin: That’s not what I want!

Karin uses her mini-harpoons to attack Thor.

Thor: Karin, attacking me is pointless- I’m the main character!

Thor does not even bother to dodge Karin’s attacks.

Karin: Why didn’t you evade my attacks? Surely your stats must be high enough for that.

Thor: Karin, if I wanted to I could easily defeat you, but I know the audience doesn’t want that. Besides, if truth be told, I don’t really want Zagi as my partner; someone who spends so much time attending to himself can never give the best HARD GAY to others.

(Thor: I must tread carefully here, for I want Karin to be mine.)

Karin: Just a minute ago, I wanted to kill you, but now I have changed my mind.

Thor looks over to where his beam knife has somehow become embedded in the roots. A strange moss is growing around it.

Thor: I knew the plot would provide; this soft mossy section is easy to penetrate- perhaps we can get out after all!

Thor breaks open a hole in the vines, leading to an underground, water-filled cavern.

Thor: A sealed underground cavern- somehow this means we’re saved!

Up on the surface, Zagi and his generics are randomly wandering around when Third lands beside them.

(Third: Zagi, you may be prominent in the OP, but I am still better looking than you.)

(Zagi: Third, you may have had more screen time than me, but I am more HARD GAY than you.)

Zagi: If you’re looking for Thor, he isn’t here.

Third: I thought he might have come here for HARD GAY, but I guess he wouldn’t do that when he’s got me.

Zagi: Actually, if you must know, he went out to look for my former Second. He seemed quite passionate about her, so I doubt he’ll even need you any more.

Third: Her? You had a female Second?

Zagi: Yes- you may be pure HARD GAY, but I am BI.

Third: Anyway, how long has he been gone?

Zagi: Oh, about a day or so. Anyone else would be dead by now, but since he’s the main character I guess there’s a good chance he’s still alive.

Third: Well, much as I’d like to stay and chat with you in the freezing cold, I really should go and look for him.

Third departs on his air bike. Meanwhile, Thor and Karin have made their way into the water-filled chamber.

Thor: For some reason, I know that these roots will support us as we climb out. It’ll only take two days of exhausting and back-breaking labour- shall we go?

Karin: Thor, this probably isn’t the best time to bring this up, but I actually find you attractive. I mean, five minutes ago I said that I only lived for Zagi, but the truth is, I liked you from the first moment we met.

(Thor: Thor scores again! Named females may be few and far between, but I certainly have a way with them.)

Thor: That’s good to know, er, I mean, I find you attractive too.

Karin: Thor, I’m so jealous of you; as the main character, you can get any partner you want! I wish I could be you.

Thor: I’m afraid that’s not possible, but would you settle for being a member of my harem? It’s the next best thing.

Thor and Karin kiss.

Karin: Actually, come to think of it, it’s too soon to start another relationship. I should just stay down here and angst about Zagi for a while.

Thor: Karin, I’d love to oblige you, but this is only an eleven episode series- we just don’t have time for that kind of angst.

Karin: Oh well, in that case, we should climb out.

Magic Fast Forward Mode activates, and in the very next scene, Thor and Karin have reached the surface.

Karin: That was even faster than I imagined.

Thor: That’s just one of the many advantages of sticking close to the main character. Anyway, now that we’re above ground, let’s indulge in some cheesy romantic dialogue, shall we?

Tiz appears.

(Thor: Damn that Tiz, how dare she ruin my moment with Karin?)

(Tiz: What’s he doing with another woman? When will he learn to be faithful to me?)

Tiz: Hey Thor, I’ve been randomly wandering around in the freezing cold for days just because of you!

Thor: Yes, yes, I’m sure it was terrible, but the important thing is that I’m all right.

Tiz: I can see that- were you with her all this time?

Thor: Tiz, I’m not sure how to break this to you, so I might as well be direct. I care more about this woman I met two days ago than I do about you.

Third and Chen appear. As Tiz runs away, Chen follows her.

Chen: Tiz, wait! I agreed to appear in this episode purely for the purpose of having a woman-to-woman talk with you!

Tiz: It’s just not fair. I’m already 17 years old- at this rate I’ll be an old woman before I have Thor’s child!

Chen: I know it hurts, but at times like these, you have to focus on what’s important- namely the plot. You have to stay by Thor’s side both for the sake of the story and your screen time.

Back at Night Ring, Thor, Zagi, Third and Karin confer.

Thor: I still don’t like your idea, but since I haven’t been able to come up with a better plot, I guess I’ll go along with it for now.

Zagi: In that case, we’ll talk to Juno about Chimera’s independence. You’ll go to Hecate as Jyu Oh, and I’ll be your Second. Oh, and by the way, you shouldn’t have chosen Karin over me- my HARD GAY would have been far superior to anything she could give you.

Later, Third talks privately to Thor.

Third: Thor, how can you go along with Zagi? He’s meant to be an antagonist!

Thor: Third, we’re running out of time. There are only three episodes after this, and I can’t think up a decent plot.

Third: Why not stick with the original plot of becoming Jyu Oh under your own terms?

Thor: It’s too late to bother with all that, especially if Zagi’s exposition was correct. It won’t be perfect, but we just have to finish the series as best we can.

To be continued…

Heimdall: Sir, should we begin Operation Midgard?

Odin: Ah, an evil scheme worthy of a final villain such as myself. Of course, we must go ahead with it, but more than that, I want my magic CCTV operational- it only seems to be displaying numbers at the moment.

Loki: I am a kindly scientist, so I must lodge a protest at the evilness of this plan.

Odin: Your objection is noted and duly ignored. Ah, if only Klein were here…oh wait, I was the one who ordered his death.

Back on Chimera, Thor is heading out to meet Zagi, but Tiz is waiting for him.

Tiz: Thor, you can’t head out to a boss battle alone- if you die, it’ll be game over.

Thor and Tiz ride out to Dagger Pagoda.

Tiz: We have to be careful of Zagi- he’s an outsider who doesn’t respect our pointless and arbitrary rules.

Tiz and Thor land at Dagger Pagoda and meet Zagi.

Zagi: Hey, I thought I said to come alone for some man to man HARD GAY.

Tiz: Did you really think I’d let you be HARD GAY with my husband?

Thor: It’s okay Zagi, we’ll leave the woman behind in the freezing cold snow and have a private chat.

Thor and Zagi do so.

Zagi: Thor, now that we are on our first date, I can start revealing details about my past. You see, I only actually committed a crime worthy of lesser prison planet Hecate, but whilst there, I broke into a facility of evil and saw ten generations of frozen Jyu Oh.

Thor: You bothered to count them?

Zagi: The point is that becoming Jyu Oh is worthless! You just get stuck in the deep freeze for some random reason!

Thor: No…that can’t be right! The whole plot of this series is supposed to be based around my becoming Jyu Oh and returning to the colony in triumph!

Zagi: Don’t despair, Thor, I have thought up an alternate plot- one where you and I become the HARD GAY rulers of this planet. You see, you are the only one here who I would consider worthy of my bed.

Zagi realises someone is eavesdropping and calls out. Tiz reveals herself.

Tiz: I’m sorry, Thor, but I was worried about the potential for HARD GAY…

Zagi: I have to admit that HARD GAY outside can get a little cold sometimes. Let’s go back to Night Ring and continue our ‘meeting’ there.

Tiz: Thor, you can’t go!

Thor: I’m sorry, Tiz, but the prospect of HARD GAY with Zagi intrigues me.

Thor and Zagi goes to leave, but Tiz spots some generics hiding in the cliffs.

Tiz: Thor, watch out!

Generics: Die, named character!

(Thor: For the sake of HARD GAY, I must protect Zagi!)

Thor throws Zagi to the ground just as the generics open fire. Before anyone can react further, however, the unknown woman from the OP jumps down and captures the men.

(Thor: An OP character!)

The woman orders her own generics to kill the attacking generics.

Zagi: Thor, why did you protect me? Could it be that you have feelings for me after all?

Thor: Don’t get cocky- I’m only after you for your body.

Zagi: Then I guess you’re an idiot, since there’s so much more to me than that.

The woman, Karin, reports to Zagi.

Zagi: Karin, I thought I told you this was a HARD GAY males-only meeting.

(Thor: A woman…is he BI?)

Thor, Zagi, Karin and Tiz go to Night Ring’s stronghold. As they wander through the outskirts of the Night Ring buildings, Tiz trips over a corpse.

Zagi: Oh, you’ll have to excuse the mess- I never was much good at clearing up. And in case you’re wondering, I’m not as evil as I’m made out to be- Night Ring was planning to attack us first. They should have known better than to target named OP characters. Now, Karin, take Tiz away to the women’s block; it’s time for some more HARD GAY.

Thor and Zagi go inside. Zagi prepares a drink for Thor.

Zagi: Here, try my special sake and juice mix- the perfect cocktail to kick start a night of HARD GAY.

Meanwhile, Karin takes Tiz to her room.

Karin: This is your room. Just wait here like a good girl.

Tiz: Hey, wait a minute- if you’re going back, then I should too. I love Thor as much as you love Zagi.

Karin: Everyone loves Zagi- since he is BI, it doesn’t matter to him if you’re a man or a woman.

After enjoying some HARD GAY, Thor and Zagi get down to business.

Zagi: Anyway, as I was saying earlier, I’ve been coming up with some ideas for the plot, and I’ve decided that Chimera needs to declare its independence. For that, I’ll need you as my beautiful and charismatic HARD GAY partner.

Thor: So what, you’re just using me? I am the main character, you know!

Zagi: You may be the main character, but can you really say you have any ideas better than becoming Jyu Oh and getting frozen?

Karin enters.

Karin: I’m sorry to interrupt your HARD GAY, but Ochre’s Second is getting very worried.

Thor: I suppose she’s getting jealous again. I’d better go and see to her.

After Thor leaves, Zagi slaps Karin.

Zagi: Foolish woman, how dare you disrupt the best HARD GAY I’ve ever had?

Karin: Top, that man, he isn’t right for you! He’ll use you up and throw you away once he’s bored with you!

As Zagi and Karin continue arguing, Thor returns.

Thor: Now, now, there’s no need to fight over me. I’m sure we can work out an equitable threesome.

Zagi: No, this woman should learn that sleeping with me is not a right, but a privilege. Karin, you must leave.

Karin: Zagi!

Zagi: Thor, you should go. I’m not in the mood for HARD GAY anymore.

Zagi leaves.

Karin: I- I just wanted to tell him how dangerous it is to trifle with the main character! Besides, if he becomes too obsessed with HARD GAY with you, no one else will be able to get any.

Thor: Zagi is a fickle man; although I may be flavour of the month now, I’m well aware that he’ll dump me once he’s had enough.

Karin: You idiot! Since you’re the main character, if Zagi dumps you, he’ll be the one to suffer.

Karin runs off. Thor goes to Tiz.

Tiz: Thor, what’s wrong?

Thor: It seems as if the plotline that I tried to follow for over half the series was entirely pointless. Now all I can do is agree to be HARD GAY with Zagi and see where it leads.

Tiz: Thor, I thought that you and I were an item! Let’s just settle down here and pump out a few kids.

(Thor: Tiz, you are an important named character, but I am not interested in having children with you when HARD GAY is available.)

Outside, some generics discuss the fact that Karin has gone missing.

Thor: Since I’m the main character, I’ll accept the mission of going after her. Tiz, you wait here.

Tiz: Wait, Thor…are you going after another woman this time?

Thor randomly runs off into the blizzard to find Karin.

(Thor: This shouldn’t be too hard- randomly running off is my speciality, after all.)

Indeed, in short order, Thor stumbles across Karin, who has collapsed in the storm.

Thor: Karin, go back to the stronghold- a named character shouldn’t risk themselves in this way.

Karin: What’s the point of living if Zagi won’t sleep with me?

Karin magically finds the strength to get up and start walking away again, only to step onto some thin ice. As Thor tries to rescue her, the ice cracks, and both fall into a chasm. What an exciting cliffhanger.

To be continued…

Zagi’s people (Blanc Ring) attack Night Ring. Zagi confronts its Top, Jeso.

Jeso: You won’t defeat me so easily!

Zagi: Who are you kidding? I’m an OP character, whilst this is your first appearance.

A messenger from Night Ring makes his way to Ochre Ring in order to meet up with Thor, Tiz and Third (now Top, Second and Third of Ochre Ring).

Thor: Look at me; I’ve gone through puberty; now I’m a fifteen year old MAN with a deep voice!

Tiz: And I’m all woman, with large assets.

Messenger: I bring you important plot-related information- Blanc Ring has attacked Night Ring and killed our Top. Before he died, Jeso asked me to come here and ask that the main character stand against their leader, the Blanc Wolf.

Later, Thor talks to Third.

Third: Your main character powers have really helped us out, Thor. You’ve expanded our territory, ensured that food and water are plentiful, and given our Ring the most screen time.

Thor: Don’t think that I’ve grown complacent during these few years offscreen; I still plan to become Jyu Oh.

Third: Just what I wanted to hear. Luckily for us, Blanc Ring is going after Sun Ring next. We can just sit back and take out whoever wins.

Thor: Does that sound like the sort of thing a righteous main character should do to you?

Tiz enters.

Tiz: Sorry to interrupt, but it’s time to advance the plot again. This time we need to go and meet Sun Ring’s Top at a random location. All three of us should go, leaving the Ring completely without its leaders.

Thor, Tiz and Third head out into the snow to meet Yuuki, leader of Sun Ring. They meet him in a ruined village.

Thor: I recognise this; it’s the Ruins tileset from RPG Maker…now with added snow!

Yuuki: Thor, I’m so glad to meet the main character- and I love what you’ve done to your hair.

Thor: Oh, I just made it platinum blonde so that I would be more recognisable from a distance. I’d never want to be mistaken for a generic.

Yuuki: Anyway, let’s get down to business. We need to do something about Blanc Ring; what say you and I team up to oppose their leader, the Blanc Wolf?

Thor: Hmm, your character design is more generic than I’d like, but I guess there’s no harm in it for now.

Yuuki: In that case, let’s get down to more important business. Third, I have something to ask you- are you HARD GAY?

Third: I’m afraid it hasn’t been the same ever since Chen left me.

Yuuki: Ah, I was afraid that would be the case. Well, after that last Try four years ago she had to have her leg amputated, but now she’s conveniently waiting for you in yet another abandoned village to the east.

Tiz: I can’t believe that a named OP character could lose their leg.

Yuuki: Poor Chen, she tried to be an independent woman, but in the end she had to return to the protection of men.

Yuuki’s underling enters.

Underling: Top, Chen has left already.

Yuuki: Quick, Third, you must go to her.

Third: Now that I have learnt that she lost her leg, I am no longer interested in Chen. You can have her, for it’s back to reliable old HARD GAY for me.

Thor: Third, if you keep saying things like that, you’re just going to alienate the audience. Come on, let’s go and see Chen.

Despite supposedly having started to go back, Yuuki is talking to Chen in the house she was originally waiting in.

Yuuki: Chen, there’s no need to worry. Even though you are apparently one-legged and wasting away, you still look much the same, and even have an artificial limb that we somehow procured on this backwater planet.

Chen: Yuuki, I’m just tired of everything. I don’t want to keep pumping out children.

Gunshots are heard outside.

Yuuki: Chen, be a good woman and hide upstairs.

Whilst Chen goes upstairs, Yuuki looks outside and sees that Zagi and his men have killed his generics. Whilst Chen shoots at them from upstairs, Yuuki also opens fire.

Zagi: You may kill my generics, but you won’t kill me that way! If you want to fight, let’s have a proper boss battle!

Yuuki: All right, then, let’s do this man-to-man- swords at the ready!

Yuuki draws his ‘sword’ and ‘comes’ at Zagi, who easily dodges.

Yuuki: Stop dodging and draw your sword already; that’s manlier than running away until your Musou bar is charged.

Zagi: Say what you like, but my HP is still at maximum.

Enraged, Yuuki charges at Zagi, who draws a sword at the last moment and blocks the blow.

Yuuki: So, you do have a sword after all- but that move won’t work on me twice.

(Zagi: That fool, can’t he see that I’m an OP character and he’s just some generic who was introduced this episode?)

Yuuki attacks again and breaks Zagi’s sword.

Yuuki: I’ve won! Nothing can possibly go wrong now!

Yuuki charges again, but Zagi throws his cloak over him and attacks with a hidden blade attached to his arm.

Yuuki: I’m dying, dying!

Chen: Damn you! Now I’ll have to point my gun at you but pass up the opportunity to actually shoot you.

Zagi: You’re all fools, playing by the rules of the plot. By defying those rules and doing the obvious instead, I shall be victorious.

Chen: In that case, I will have to shoot.

Zagi: I don’t think so.

As Chen goes to shoot, Zagi’s underling Kevin emerges from where he was waiting patiently, and shoots the gun out of her hand.

Zagi: Kill her.

Yuuki: No, she’s an OP character!

As Kevin fires, Yuuki magically finds the energy to block the bullets and save Chen.

Chen: Yuuki!

Yuuki: So, you really do care about me…and here I wasted my life on HARD GAY.

Zagi: Keivn, stop giving them time for fond farewells and just shoot the damn woman!

Thor, Tiz and Third appear, guns pointed at Kevin and Zagi.

Tiz: Didn’t you hear the man? You shouldn’t kill her- she’s a named OP character.

(Thor: This man is the Blanc Wolf, but with that mask obscuring the lower half of his face, I can’t be sure if he really is that man name Zagi who I met several years ago.)

Chen: Tiz, Yuuki is dead!

Tiz: Oh no, Yuuki! Let’s have an emotional moment for him, a random character who barely had ten minutes of screen time!

Thor approaches Zagi.

Thor: Breaking the rules of battle like that is unforgivable.

Zagi: Now really, you may pretend to be righteous and honourable now, but weren’t you the one who abandoned your own brother at the beginning of the series?

Zagi removes his mask.

Thor: I didn’t recognise you before, but now I can plainly see that you are Zagi!

Zagi: Thor, come and meet me alone at Dagger Pagoda tomorrow- I promise you’ll have a good time, if you know what I mean. And now, Smoke Bomb!

Zagi and his underlings escape under the cover of a smoke bomb.

Thor: Don’t shoot- he promised me some HARD GAY!

Thor and the others return home, where Thor talks to Third in his room.

Thor: I thought I’d finally got over Rai’s death, but still he haunts me. Why can’t everyone just forget about him and concentrate on me, the main character?

Third: It looks like Zagi has you confused.

Thor: The Zagi I knew for five minutes was a kind man, not a beast.

Third: Remember this, Thor- in the bedroom, all men are beasts.

To be continued…

Third: How could you do that to my beautiful face? There’ll be a bruise there now.

Thor: I didn’t want a Try! I haven’t levelled up enough to face Top yet!

Third: Levelling up is overrated. If you can’t do it now, you’ll ruin the whole plot.

Thor: If it’s so important to the plot, why don’t you fight Top?

Third: I told you; I can’t be anything other than a Third. Anyway, I didn’t just create this situation to be a manipulative bastard; I believe that your main character powers will be vital in the struggle to become Jyu Oh.

Tiz: I agree- only Thor can do it.

Rada: But what about the match? Top is at a much higher level than Thor.

Third: That’s where cheating comes in- or as I prefer to call it, ‘evening the odds’.

Third takes Thor to look around the arena he will be fighting in.

Third: Remember, we don’t want the fight to end too quickly, or the episode will run short. Just run around for a bit and let Third get the upper hand, then lure him to this conveniently placed blind spot in preparation for a cut scene that will turn the match around.

Later, Thor and Tiz go outside.

Thor: No matter what Third says, I can’t help but worry. I’ve hardly had any time to level up.

Tiz: Thor, what happened to all that main character arrogance? Top is actually the weakest of the ‘Big Four’, so you have a marginally higher chance of beating him than any of the others- especially as you studied martial arts in PE.

Leaves start falling from the Musa plants.

Tiz: This is Leaf Fall. Soon it will be time for the mating season, then Chimera’s long night of darkness and evil will begin.

The long-awaited Try finally begins. Thor and Top enter the arena.

Top: I’m not going to kill you quickly, boy; instead, I shall delay and talk a lot in order to give you a chance to make a comeback- not that that ever happens when the hero faces a minor villain.

Whilst Top and Thor stand still and wait for the ATBs to fill, Third dons a trench coat and watches from a hidden storeroom.

Third: Ah, deus ex machina, my favourite role.

Third starts assembling a sniper rifle.

(Third: With this coat and rifle, my looks are only enhanced.)

Finally, the actual fight begins.

Top: Running Charge! Rraaargh!

Thor: Swift Evasion!

Top: Second Charge! I’m coming towards you, so just stand still and let me cut you down!

Top keeps swinging his sword at Thor, who continues to dodge.

Top: Damn, your Evasion stat is pretty high.

(Thor: My stamina won’t hold, and a single hit from him could wipe out my HP, but I have to keep going until his anger bar is maxed out.)

Top: Damn you! Damn you! Damn you! I won’t be just a minor supporting character!

Thor keeps dodging until Top’s anger bar is at maximum, before switching to Attack Mode.

Top: Sword Swing #501!

Thor: Ankle attack!

Thor directs a kick towards Top’s ankle and knocks him over.

Thor: Equip Beam Knife!

Thor activates his beam knife, and starts to think about getting to the blind spot. Top: Back attack!

Top slices open Thor’s right shoulder.

(Top: Since he is the main character, I suppose I had better not target any vital areas.)

Top: Did you think I was the sort of villain who would just stand motionlessly whilst you made your plans? I’m not that stupid!

(Thor: Damn, I underestimated him.)

Thor falls to the ground.

Tiz: Thor, get up! Severe blood loss is nothing to a main character!

(Thor: She’s right.)

Thor struggles to his feet and starts staggering towards the blind spot.

Top: I could easily finish you off now, but instead I’ll stand here and laugh maniacally! Hahahahaha!

Thor makes it to the blind spot and collapse. Top finally advances on him.

(Thor: Third, where are you? I thought you were going to help me cheat!)

Just as Thor loses hope, Third fires a bullet that distracts Top.

(Third: I should leave actually killing Top up to the main character.)

Realising his chance, Thor suddenly dispels the effects of his injury and stabs Top with his beam knife. The crowd cheer as Top falls, for he was less important than the main character.

Unfortunately, the match has taken its toll on Thor, who collapses from blood loss. He is taken to his bedroom.

Rada: His blood loss was severe; I don’t even know if he can survive the night.

Tiz: Of course he’ll survive! To a main character, this is nothing more than a light scratch!

Rada: I’m sorry, but his pulse is gone.

Third: He needs CPR; let me do it!

Tiz: He my husband, so I should do it.

(Third: Damn, I was hoping for some HARD GAY. Oh well, I can still get on top of him.)

Third pushes on Thor’s chest whilst Tiz breathes into his mouth and Chen checks his pulse.

Third: You can’t die yet, Thor! We still have six episodes to go!

Chen: His pulse is back!

Tiz: He won’t die…the series can continue!

Later, Third stares outside. Chen comes to see him.

Chen: I have to go back for my HARD YURI with Ilza.

Third: Good luck.

Chen: I can see you care a great deal about Thor, but I want you to know that, HARD GAY or not, I’m going to nominate you again next mating season.

Chen leaves.

(Third: Night is coming. Soon it will get cold and we’ll all have to stop dressing in such skimpy clothes.)

Some time later, Thor wakes up to find Tiz watching over him. Third enters.

Thor: Why are you both wearing coats now?

Tiz: Night fell while you were sleeping. Cycling shorts won’t cut it in this weather.

Outside in the blizzard, Kevin and Zagi (now a Top) look at Ochre Ring.

Zagi: It looks like the first arc is over. Soon it will be time for me to attack Ochre Ring.

To be continued…

Top: Anyway, don’t you think I’m great? I’m so MANLY and impressive that you really should be falling over yourself to get into bed with me.

Chen: I’m sorry, but I’d never even consider having a relationship with someone as generically designed as you.

Chen walks away. Thor and Tiz watch the exchange whilst eating their own meal.

Tiz: Top will never get anywhere with Chen. During the mating season, she nominated Third as her partner, but he refused. I guess he really is HARD GAY.

Top calls for Third.

Top: Third, go and do some meaningless task for me! That way I can bolster my ego and feel more secure in my position.

Third: Whatever you say, Top.

(Third: No matter how much you try to humiliate me, you cannot escape the fact that I am an OP character, and more good-looking than you.)

Later, Thor and Tiz are talking as they stare outside. Third approaches.

Tiz: Hey Third, we made a new Ring. It’s one for named OP characters only.

Third: Sounds good- how about you let me be your third? I have the name for it, after all.

Tiz: But you’re already the Third for Ochre Ring.

Third: I’m a capable man, so I can hold two jobs at once. After all, ‘holding’ things is something I’m very skilled at.

Tiz: In that case, you have to help us with our current mission of going to see Colin.

Third: Sure, why not? Let’s go.

Thor: But…

Third: There’s no need to feel threatened, Thor. You can still be alpha male.

The trio heads out, only to be stopped by Chen, who wants to talk to Third.

Chen: Third, I have to know- are you so HARD GAY that you couldn’t even sleep with me once?

Third: It’s pointless wanting to have my child; too much HARD GAY has left me infertile.

Chen: But I still need you! I can’t pretend to be a strong woman if I don’t have a REAL MAN to cling to! And this year, I don’t even want a child- in fact, Ilza has asked for some HARD YURI.

Third: Well, I guess you can still be my woman. That means I can touch you any time I want, and still have HARD GAY.

Later, Third and Rada take Thor and Tiz to Colin’s place on their hover-sleds.

Thor: I just don’t understand you. Are you HARD GAY or not?

Third: When you’re older, you’ll understand that sometimes people need both men and woman.

Thor: You’re BI?

Third: That’s pretty much it.

The party arrives at Colin’s secluded cave.

Tiz: Colin, we’ve come here for some exposition and explanation. Do you think you can help us?

Colin: Of course. I may live the life of a hermit in this cave, but thanks to the power of magic CCTV, I know everything. As a key player in galactic affairs, I happen to know that President Odin is an evil man who decided to frame your father and have him killed. You could have been killed too, but then we couldn’t have had this series.

Thor: In that case…activate Angst Mode!

Thor goes outside to angst and flashback until Tiz comes to interrupt him.

Tiz: Thor, we only have eleven episodes, so there isn’t really time for angst. Instead, we must skip all the side quests and focus on the main mission of your becoming Jyu Oh.

Third comes outside.

Third: Well, you just found out that your parents were killed by someone you trusted, but there’s no point dwelling on it. Let’s go home and have lunch.

Third starts walking away, only to be shot by a hidden sniper.

Thor: Third! You can’t die, Third- you’re a named OP character!

Whilst Rada fires a machine gun in the general direction of the sniper, Third gets up.

Third: That’s right, I’m too important to die. You see, under this incredibly thin shirt I am actually wearing a bullet proof vest.

Rada: Third, that generic sniper must have been one of Top’s assassins.

Third: Just as I thought; he’s jealous of my good looks. Anyway, let’s go home.

Thor: Go home? How can you say that after your own boss tried to kill you?

Third: You said it yourself- I can’t die.

As the others prepare to leave, Tiz says goodbye to Colin.

Colin: Before you go, I have one last piece of exposition for you. Using my magical powers of deduction, I can tell that Thor hasn’t had life extension surgery yet, and that means his health will deteriorate after the age of twenty. He’ll be lucky to reach thirty.

Tiz: Can’t the plot do anything to protect him?

Colin: Probably not.

Back at Ochre Ring, Top talks to the generic assassin.

Assassin: I shot him once from afar and then ran away, but there’s no doubt about it- he must be dead.

Top: Excellent. Everything is going to plan.

Third and the others return to the Ring.

(Top: Damn!!)

The next day, Thor and Tiz go out to see Colin again.

(Thor: Colin knows everything. Every time I have a question, I just need to go to his cave.)

Unfortunately, Colin has already been killed.

Tiz: Colin! What are we going to do about exposition now?

Thor and Tiz return home to talk to talk to Third.

Thor: Third, Colin has been killed!

Third: Oh well, he was old and living alone in a cave without a HARD GAY partner; it’s not like there was much left for him to live for.

That night, Top holds a banquet.

Top: Chen, I know you think you’re not worthy of a man like me, but I just want you to know that my bed is open for you any time.

Chen: I’d pick HARD YURI over you any day.

Third, Thor and Tiz stroll in, fashionably late.

Generic woman: Those three really stand out, don’t they?

Generic woman #2: They are the main characters, after all.

(Top: I’m sick of this! I’m in charge around here, so why do I have be treated like a supporting character?)

Top: Third! Get over here and show everyone that you’re my bitch!

Top throws his cup on the floor and gets Third to pick it up.

(Third: I must stay calm and show everyone what a petty idiot Top is.)

Top: You’re my underling! I’m the one who’s always on top, whether it’s in this Ring or in the bedroom!

Third: Of course, Top.

Top: Damn you!! Stop using your subtle verbal manoeuvrings to make me look like an idiot!

Top throws down his glass again, but Thor kicks it away.

Thor: Just who do you think you are? You’re not even a main character! If you can be a Top, then it must be such an easy job that even I could do it!

Third: Sounds like a Try to me! Go on, Thor, fight this guy- that way I don’t have to challenge him and ruin my good looks.

Top: Excellent. Let’s settle this in the arena, little boy

Tiz: Thor, what are you doing? I know we only have eleven episodes, but this is still too early for you to be fighting Top!

Thor: I didn’t meant to…

(Thor: That damn Third, he set me up! How dare he do such a thing to the main character?)

To be continued…

Third is talking to his HARD GAY partner, Rada, as he stares outside.

Rada: What are you looking at, Third?

Third: Nothing, really, I just sense that the plot will get moving soon.

Rada: I suppose you’re going to tell me that you’re interested in that boy again.

Third: Well, he is the main character. If I want to have some screen time, I’d better stick close to him.

Meanwhile, Thor is wandering around in the jungle of Musa plants that germinated last episode. Tiz swings towards him on a vine.

Tiz: You’d better learn how to swing on these vines too. It could be useful to the plot later on, and besides, you’ll look really cool.

Thor: Vine swinging went out of fashion long ago, Tiz. Besides, I’m happy just wandering around here.

Tiz: These plants almost killed us last episode, but you have to admit they are beautiful.

Thor: If only Rai could have seen them. I thought it would be better to get rid of him, but now I miss having him around to abuse and take my frustrations out on.

Tiz: As far as I could tell from the two seconds in which I observed him, Rai was useless. You’re better off without him.

Thor: I guess you’re right; I’m almost twelve years old now, so it’s about time I learned to stand on my own two feet. Anyway, the first order of business is to get on with the plot, which means somehow finding out what happened to my parents.

Tiz: Hmm, maybe Colin would know.

Thor: Colin?

Tiz: He’s this special exposition NPC who lives in a cave but still knows all about the outside world. I’m sure he’ll be able to answer your questions.

Thor: All right, then, our first quest is to go and see him.

Back at Ochre Ring, Third receives a report that Thor and Tiz have disappeared.

Third: Oh great, how am I supposed to get any screen time when they keep leaving me behind?

Third heads out after Thor and Tiz, who are making their way through the forest.

Tiz: Thor, try to be a bit more careful. I know you like randomly wandering around, but the plants here are dangerous.

Thor: Chimera really is different to my old home on Juno.

Tiz: Wow, Thor, you’re really clever! I can see I was right to choose you as a husband.

As they talk, Sun Ring’s Top, Chen, and two female underlings appear.

Tiz: Oh no, it’s my old boss.

Chen: Why did you betray me, Tiz? I thought you liked HARD YURI.

Tiz: I’m sorry, Chen, but this guy is the main character. I wanted an important role in the story, so I decided to stick with him.

Chen: In that case, I may as well kill you here.

Chen commands her underlings to aim their guns at Thor and Tiz.

Tiz: What are you doing, Chen? Named characters like us can’t be killed by your generics.

Chen: Tiz, if I can’t have you, then I’ll make sure that nobody can.

Thor: Stay out of this! She’s mine now!

Tiz: Thor, it might be best if I just go with her for the moment. I’m sure the plot will reunite us soon enough.

Tiz slowly walks towards Chen’s party.

(Thor: She must be walking slowly in order to give me time to think of a plan.)

Thor looks around.

(Thor: Hmm, perhaps that conveniently located plant by Chen’s feet is the answer).

Thor: Hero Invulnerability Mode!

Thor runs towards Tiz and grabs her knife. The generic females start firing at him.

Generic: Be careful not to actually hit him, or the series will end after only three episodes!

Thor hurls the knife into the plant.

Chen: Is that the best you could do? You couldn’t even hit me!

Thor: Who said I was aiming at you?

As if on cue, some purple gloop bursts out of the plant and hits Chen. Whilst she and her party fight it off, Thor and Tiz run away.

Tiz: You fool! You’ll definitely be killed now!

Thor: How many times do I have to say it? I’m the main character- I can do what I like!

Tiz: I already said I didn’t want go to back to Sun Ring, but now I’m upset because I won’t be able to go back.

Thor: I’m sorry about that, but there’s still our mission to see Colin to complete. Why don’t we just make our own Ring? I’ll be Top, of course, and you can be Second.

Tiz: We still need a Third, though.

Thor: I’m sure the plot will provide us with one.

Tiz: Okay then, we just need a name for our Ring. What colour should it be?

Thor: Who needs colours? Let’s just name it after me.

Once again, Chen and her party appear. Chen throws Tiz’s knife back to them, grazing Thor’s cheek in the process.

(Thor: Oh no, not my face again!)

Chen: Tiz, I won’t give up until you return to my side.

Thor: Tiz, hide behind me like a proper woman whilst I deal with this.

Thor activates his beam knife.

Chen: I could just kill you right now, but instead we’ll stand and talk.

Thor: I could have equally killed you earlier, but since you are a named OP character, I chose not to. Shouldn’t you do the same for me?

Chen: Well, I guess there’s no need for my generics to shoot you. Let’s have a proper one-on-one duel instead.

Thor: Okay, but if I win, you let Tiz go free.

Tiz: Thor, what are you saying? Chen is a skilled fighter.

Thor: It’s okay, I learned martial arts in PE.

Chen draws a sword and the duel begins. Thor is swift, but Chen overpowers him and knocks him to the ground.

Chen: You have a high Agility stat, but that is nothing compared to my strength. Now I will just stand here motionless whilst you think of ways to defeat me.

Once Thor has had ample time to think, Chen attacks again. Their blades clash, until finally Chen’s breaks in two. Thor follows up with a tackle that knocks Chen down.

Thor: I win- and that means Tiz is mine.

Chen: Damn, I should have known that fighting the main character was more trouble than it’s worth.

As if waiting for a quiet moment, a Verasona plant emerges from underground and kills a generic.

Chen: Don’t move, generics! Throw me a gun and let a named character handle it!

Chen takes a gun from one of the generics and advances on the hole left by the Verasona. She lures it out by randomly firing at the ground, before evading it and firing back.

Generic: Well done! Now let’s run towards it, even though the plant is clearly still alive!

The generics run towards the Verasona, only to get attacked and killed.

Chen: You fools! You’re giving generics a bad name!

Chen continues firing. Thor picks up a discarded gun and runs towards the Verasona.

(Thor: I may as well add my main character powers to the fight. Now, clearly the most sensible course of action is to climb on top of the monster and start firing at it.)

As Thor does so, the Verasona pulls itself out of the ground and begins rampaging through the jungle.

(Thor: Why did it turn out like this? Where was the flaw in my perfect plan?)

Thor notices some green spots on the Verasona’s bulb.

(Thor: Maybe I can lower the monster’s HP by targeting these weak spots.)

Thor fires into a green spot, killing the monster as it launches itself into a pool of water. Tiz, Chen and the surviving generics catch up with him.

Thor: Behold the power of a main character!

Tiz: Thor, you’re amazing!

Thor: Well actually, I used to get A’s in Gymnastics at school- and to think they say you can’t apply that kind of thing to real world situations.

Third and Rada arrive.

Third: Well, I guess I was a bit late for deus ex machina this time- but at least I can give you a lift back to Ochre Ring.

Third takes Thor back to Ochre Ring on his hover-sled.

Third: There’s never a dull moment with you around, is there?

Thor: I’m just trying to get off this planet. In order to do that, I need to go and see Colin, and then get back to my original mission of going to Dagger Pagoda and talking to the Jyu Oh.

Third: Actually, there isn’t a Jyu Oh right now…but that just means the position’s open for anyone who wants it. Perhaps you should have a go.

Thor: If anyone can be Jyu Oh, why aren’t you trying to go for it as well?

Third: The thing is, I’ve forgotten my real name, so I can’t be anything other than a Third.

To be continued…