A thunderstorm of evil covers Kyou, whilst hideous monsters menace generic townspeople. Tomomasa stays at the manor does nothing.

Tomomasa: To be honest, I couldn’t care less about the fate of Kyou and its generics. As long as I have access to HARD GAY named characters, that is all I need.

Meanwhile, Sefuru is upset at having lost so easily.

Sefuru: My battle was over in less than a minute- I don’t even qualify as a mid-boss.

Fuji watches over the sleeping Akane.

Fuji: It’s only the last episode, so there’s no need for any sort of urgency. Instead, I shall indulge in some budget-saving flashbacks.

Akane wakes up.

Akane: I’m sorry, but those flashbacks were so boring that I have to go now.

Tenma, Yorihisa, Shimon, Inori, Ikutidal and Sefuru are all transported to the same location via magical plot powers.

Sefuru: Master, don’t abandon me now! I wanted more HARD GAY with you!

Ikutidal takes Sefuru aside.

Ikutidal: I’m afraid you only have me now, boy.

Takamichi and Tomomasa arrive, followed by Eisen and Yasuaki.

Tomomasa: It looks like everyone’s gathered here for the final boss battle.

Ikutidal and Sefuru continue to randomly wander around. Ikutidal remembers when Akram put on his mask.

(Ikutidal: Back in the days when the demon clan had more than four people, Akram was a sweet young man, but when he put on the mask, he became a vainglorious megalomaniac! Hachiyou, even though I spent several earlier episodes opposing you, I now hope that you can defeat the Master and show him the error of his ways.)

Yasuaki: The time has come to break down this random barrier in front of us and enter the final boss level.

Eisen: Flute playing!

Yasuaki: Stock Animation Attack x3!

Yasuaki and Eisen break down the barrier that blocks the gateway in front of the Hachiyou.

Akram: I will just sit here and wait for them to come to me. Ran, go to them and be a final mid-boss.

Ran teleports away.

Yasuaki: Eisen and I have done our part, so we will just wait around here whilst the rest of you go on ahead.

Tenma, Yorihisa, Shimon, Inori, Takamichi and Tomomasa run through the gateway. They encounter Ran.

Tomomasa: Takamichi, I guess it’s time for the two of us to get our Yu-Gi-Oh card back. One woman should pose no problem for out HARD GAY.

Takamichi: This is our role in the final battle, so you four should go on ahead.

Ran does nothing as Tenma, Yorihisa, Shimon and Inori run past her.

Ran: I summon Dark Byakko!

Takamichi grabs her arm and whispers to her.

Takamichi: Ran, all the men in this series are HARD GAY. They aren’t interested in women like you.

Ran is so shocked by this that she does not resist or protest as Takamichi takes the Dark Yu-Gi-Oh card.

Takamichi/Tomomasa: HARD GAY powers, purify the darkness!

Dark Byakko transforms into Ultimate Byakko, and the Four Gods appear above Kyou.

Akane: For some reason I didn’t go earlier, but now I must use the magical teleportation abilities to reach the site of the final battle.

Fuji: I am completely useless, but I don’t want to be left out! Please take me with you.

Akane: Since it’s the last episode, I may as well bring you along.

Akane and Fuji teleport away. Unfortunately, Shimon, Inori, Tenma and Yorihisa have to take the long way around, and are blocked by a giant spider.

Inori: RAGING HARD-ON! Tenma, Yorihisa, go on ahead!

Shimon: I’m not doing anything perceptibly useful, but I must stay behind with Inori!

Tenma and Yorihisa run on ahead just as Inori defeats the spider.

Inori: There was no real reason for six of us to stay behind at various points, but I guess the plot demanded it. Shimon, I just want you to know that even if you go back to your own world, we’ll always be HARD GAY companions.

Yorihisa and Tenma reach Akram.

Tenma: Look at me! I’m wielding a ‘sword’ even though I’ve barely had any practise!

Tenma and Yorihisa attempt to break down Akram’s barrier as an insert song starts to play.

Akram: Gwakaka, I will just sit here in my barrier whilst I use my black kirin furry accessory to attack you!

As the kirin attacks, Akane and Fuji teleport in. Akram does nothing whilst Akane talks to the Hachiyou.

Akane: It’s the final battle, so I was able to teleport straight here. I guess it makes your efforts to get here a little pointless.

Tenma: If a REAL MAN does it, it cannot be pointless!

Akane turns to Akram.

Akane: Akram, I know that your people were persecuted, but that’s no reason to become a main villain.

Akram: Gwakakaka, what do you know? My plan was to manipulate humans into starting a war, even though that contradicts all my previous actions and plans. Now, Activate Random Dark Beam!

Dark power suddenly engulfs all eight Hachiyou, causing them to crumple up in pain. Ran teleports back to Akram’s side.

Akane starts glowing with yellow power.

Akane: How dare you hurt my bishies!?

Ran: Akane, I am suddenly good again! You mustn’t do this!

Something shatters and Fuji lose one of her two HP. Akane stops glowing.

Akane: Fuji-hime, are you okay?

Fuji: The stress of standing here and doing nothing was too much for my frail body!

Akram: Kirin, attack them again whilst I continue to stand here and do nothing!

The kirin attacks again, but Yorihisa and Tenma attack it with HARD GAY power. The other six Hachiyou are randomly teleported to the final battle, and everyone’s gems start glowing; the intense light destroys the kirin. Even Akram’s hat is blown away.

Fuji: It looks like the heroes have activated their God Mode.

Akram: Gwakakaka, I am too good looking to be defeated by the likes of you! Now, I’ll give up Ran’s life points in order to summon the Black Dragon to the field!

Ran falls to the ground as a black CG dragon appears.

Akane: Everyone, it took me half the series to find you and give you your gems, but now I need them back so that I can summon the dragon and end this!

Yasuaki: I can’t help feeling this could all have been avoided if you had just done that in the first episode.

Akane starts praying and the gems leave the Hachiyou as a white CG dragon appears. Seimei and the generic priests reappear, not that anyone cares about them.

As the two dragons face each other, Akram and Akane are transported to the blue interlayer world with the Kyou magic CCTV. Akane hugs Akram.

Akane: Akram, you tried to kill and manipulate us many times, but I knew you were a good person- you were just upset at having to hide your bishie good looks behind that mask.

Akram: How did you guess?

The two dragons clash a few times.

Ryuujin: Miko, what is your desire?

Akane: To free Akram from his mask and let his bishiness be seen by everyone!

Akram’s mask shatters, and his true bishie nature is revealed.

Akram: Thank you. Now the world can see how attractive I am.

As Akane and Akram start to fade away, the eight gems appear and the bishies talk to Akane in budget saving still.

Bishies: Thank you, Akane, for bringing us all together so that we could find our destined HARD GAY partners.

Shirin appears.

Shirin: Wait! Miko, you can’t have Akram- I staked my claim on him first.

Akane: Oh, okay then. I’ve got my pick of eight other men, so I suppose I can let you have him.

Akane lets go of Akram, and Shirin takes hold of him.

Ryuujin: We’ve successfully filled twenty six episodes with poorly plotted lightweight crap. Now the time has come to wrap everything up.

Kyou is returned to a normal, happy state and Akane, Ran, Tenma and Shimon are sent home. The other bishies and named characters are seen in Kyou, but in contradiction, Akane is able to pick the Hachiyou with the highest relationship score to come back with her to her own world. Who did she choose? Well, since the director didn’t want to upset anyone, it wasn’t made clear- there are even possible endings for all eight Hachiyou on the DVD release.

Takamichi staggers out of bed, only to meet up with Tomomasa.

(Takamichi: HARD GAY with Tomomasa is so taxing- I can barely stand.)

Tomomasa: Where do you think you’re going, Takamichi? I told you to wait for me in bed.

Takamichi: Tomomasa, it’s getting towards the end of the series- I want to participate in the final battle.

Takamichi continues on his way. Later, Akane is given a scroll that he wrote.

Akane: According to this scroll, Takamichi conveniently found a book that describes a situation much like the current one, in which evil monsters waved around ineffectually and generic humans ran screaming from them. Due to this, he’s gone out to throw knives at some of the minor monsters.

Shimon: I want to be vaguely useful for once, so I will go out and look for Takamichi.

Shimon goes out to search, leaving Akane with Fuji and Tomomasa.

Meanwhile…

Boss Battle: Yasuaki, Eisen and Kotengu vs. Ran and Dark Byakko.

Ran: Look how evil and threatening I am! Hand over your Yu-Gi-Oh card!

Yasuaki: Why don’t you hand over yours? Stock Animation Attack!

Ran: Convenient Energy Barrier!

Ran blocks Yasuaki’s standard paper seal attack. Yorihisa and Tenma join the hero party.

Yasuaki: Pointless Lengthy Chanting!

Tenma: Ran, remember the good old siscon days and come back to me!

Ran: I’m sorry, but it’s supposed to be one pair of Hachiyou vs. one demon of evil! Budget-saving loss of background and teleportation!

The background turns white, and Yorihisa is transported to Ikutidal and Dark Seiryu. Ikutidal throws his Dark Yu-Gi-Oh card away and makes a few sword poses.

Ikutidal: With a ‘sword’ like mine, who needs Dark Yu-Gi-Oh cards? Let’s cross our ‘blades’, man to man.

Takamichi wanders around when he spots a somewhat dishevelled and disorientated Shirin. He saves her from wandering into a corpse-filled blob.

Shirin: To think that you would only show feelings for me after the Master abandoned me.

Takamichi: It is the job of men to protect women, Tenma taught me that. Shirin, although I am primarily HARD GAY, I have come to realise that I can be BI like Tomomasa and accept women too.

Shirin: So my plan worked after all. Now I will just randomly teleport away until the plot calls for me again.

Shirin teleports away.

Meanwhile, Akane has fainted and her spirit been transported to the magic CCTV realm of the Ryuujin.

Akane: Dragon, you gave me your power at the beginning of the series, but now I must ask for your power to save Kyou.

Ryuujin: Give yourself to me, and I will consider it.

With Tenma and Yorihisa removed from their party, Eisen and Yasuaki continue the fight.

Ran: The Master told me that I could be a main character if I destroyed you! Dark Byakko, Arrows of Light!

Yasuaki: Kotengu, the time has come for you to be useful. Revert to your true form!

The seal on Kotengu is released, and he becomes a full-sized tengu who blocks the attack. Ran and Byakko conveniently stop attacking for a few moments in order to let the heroes converse.

Yasuaki: This is your chance to be more than a comedy sidekick. Now go and fight Byakko whilst I stand here and do nothing.

Kotengu: And just why should I obey your orders? You were the one who turned me into a comedy sidekick in the first place!

Eisen: I guess he’s just too weak to fight. Let’s just use our HARD GAY, Yasuaki.

Kotengu: Since I’m too stupid to know about reverse psychology, I now feel compelled to show you how strong I am!

Kotengu equips Feather Fan and starts attacking Dark Byakko.

Shimon wanders through town, and once again finds himself surrounded by generics.

Generics: You’re a demon!

Shimon: How many times do I have to remind you all that I’m the hero loli shota from the OP?

Sefuru teleports in.

Sefuru: So you generics want to see a demon, do you? Let me show you what a real demon can do! I summon Dark Suzaku!

Sefuru uses his Dark Yu-Gi-Oh card to summon Dark Suzaku. The generics run away.

Shimon: Thanks for helping me, Sefuru; you’re always such a good friend to me. Even when you tried to kill me, I knew that was just your way of showing affection.

Sefuru: You still don’t get it, do you? I’m an enemy. My tragic childhood drove me to the Master, where he showed me the superior demon version of HARD GAY. Humans are beneath me now.

Shimon: But Sefuru, I always wanted to be HARD GAY with you!

Inori arrives.

Inori: Shimon, are you all right?

Sefuru: Oh, so that was your little game. You were going to win my affections, and start two-timing me.

Shimon: That’s not true!

Sefuru: You’re just like my mother! She was human, but she abandoned me because of my demon blood! Now I hate all humans, even though I am clearly half-human myself!

Boss Battle: Shimon and Inori vs. Sefuru and Dark Suzaku.

Sefuru: Go, Dark Suzaku!

Dark Suzaku disappears.

Sefuru: Damn, why does nothing ever go right for me? Oh well- Kamehameha!

Sefuru fires an energy blast at Shimon and Inori, who easily dodge it. Inori punches Sefuru.

Sefuru: How dare you punch me!? What have I ever done to you?

Inori: Come on, let’s have a proper brawl!

Shimon: Wait! Everyone can live together in peace and harmony! You see, ages ago, there was a war between humans and demons-

Inori: There was? That sounds like an important piece of history that no one ever bothered to tell me before.

Shimon: Anyway, both sides were at fault back then, but now we can live in harmony and usher in a new age.

Inori: Shimon, even though I have hated demons for years, your few lines have persuaded me that my lifelong beliefs are wrong. I am now convinced that humans and demons should be friends.

Inori and Shimon hold the Dark Suzaku Yu-Gi-Oh card.

Inori/Shimon: Magical Plot Powers, purify the darkness!

Dark Suzaku changes to Ultimate Suzaku.

Meanwhile, Tenma materialises just in time to see Yorihisa and Ikutidal start to cross ‘blades’.

Tenma: Yorihisa! Are you being HARD GAY with another man?

Their blades clash as Dark Seiryu flies around.

Ikutidal: Don’t make this action scene too complex- the animation budget is down to the last few yen!

Tenma notices the discarded Yu-Gi-Oh card and picks it up.

Tenma: Even more ridiculous and unexplained Plot Powers, purify the darkness!

The Yu-Gi-Oh card and Dark Seiryu become Ultimate Seiryu. Yorihisa smiles at Tenma.

Ikutidal: Don’t start thinking about having some HARD GAY with him just because he has a big ‘dragon’! You promised to ‘spar’ with me!

Yorihisa and Ikutidal clash a few more times before Yorihisa bests the demon.

Yorihisa: All my HARD GAY training has passed off; I have surpassed you, old man.

Ikutidal: You have indeed surpassed my HARD GAY, but you are still no match for the Master.

Tenma: What are you talking about? We have the plot on our side.

Eisen, Yasuaki and Kotengu are having a harder time with Dark Byakko.

Yasuaki: I’m sorry, Eisen, but because I am a high level warrior, our opponent is stronger than the ones the others faced.

Ran: I’ve just been standing around for a while, but now I will command Dark Byakko to use Arrows of Light again!

Yasuaki: Paper Barrier!

Yasuaki creates a barrier to block the attack, but Kotengu comes over to handle it.

Kotengu: Leave it to me! I won’t waste a single opportunity to be more than a comedy sidekick!

Kotengu blocks the attack, but seemingly at the cost of his own life!

Eisen: Kotengu! No one really cared about you, but now you are dead we are all devastated!

Yasuaki: I shouldn’t worry, he’ll probably return in his chibi form at the end of the series.

Ran: Kotengu’s sacrifice accomplished nothing! Dark Byakko and I still have all our HP!

Yasuaki: Pointless Paper Attack!

Yasuaki commences an attack.

Eisen: I know, why don’t I use the Genbu Yu-Gi-Oh card that we’ve been carrying around since the start of the battle?

Eisen summons Ultimate Genbu.

Ran: I can’t be defeated until Tomomasa and Takamichi get a chance to fight!

Ran teleports away and Dark Byakko disappears.

Everyone’s gems start glowing and Akane wakes up.

Akane: Did I miss anything?

Ikutidal talks to Tenma and Yorihisa.

Ikutidal: Now there are only two boss battles left- Ran and Akram.

Akram and Ran materialise in Kyou.

Akram: Gwakakaka, this time I will surely succeed!

To be concluded…

A red moon of evil shines over Kyou. Akram, Ikutidal and Sefuru watch as Ran infects the three stolen Yu-Gi-Oh cards with the power of darkness.

Akram: Gwakakaka, with this latest plan we demons shall surely gain control over the Four Gods that we stole ages ago. Kyou will be ours, and nothing can stop us…except perhaps the Ryuujin no Miko and her eight destined bishounen.

Yasuaki talks to his master, Abe no Seimei.

Seimei: Yes, I have screen time again, for I must arrange some rain ceremony that has suddenly become important to the plot.

Yasuaki: Master, I must protect the Miko, for I have realised that I am the only vaguely competent Hachiyou.

Some budget-saving stills of generics having a hard time are seen. Inori wanders around, and sees two children fighting over food. One snatches the brownish root away, leaving the other hungry. Inori gives him some biscuits.

Inori: Don’t worry, in another few episodes, everything will be all right again.

(Inori: Hmm, it has only just occurred to me that beating up demons might not really help to make everything magically okay again.)

Eisen walks through the palace grounds, and thinks back to a conversation with his brother.

Eisen: Brother, since I am a main character, I must leave you for a while in order to free the Four Gods.

Brother: I hope you can return to a normal life soon, for I have missed our HARD GAY sessions.

Eisen: Now that I have met other partners, I do not know if I can ever go back to that.

That evening, Fuji and Akane are alone together. Fuji gives Akane a gift.

(Fuji: If only I could pluck up the courage to ask her for some HARD YURI!)

The next day, Inori randomly goes to a deserted house.

Inori: Ikutidal, come out at once! I know you have nothing better to do than hang around waiting to teleport to my location!

Ikutidal appears.

Ikutidal: How did you know?

Inori: I know I just called me here, but why did you answer and leave my sister behind?

Ikutidal: She is in a safe, offscreen location.

Inori: Ikutidal, you have to betray your fellow demons and tell me how to get to Akram and Ran before it’s too late!

Ikutidal: I’m sorry, but even though I seem to switch sides quite often, I can’t betray my inconsistent loyalty to my master. Farewell.

Ikutidal teleports away.

At the manor, Fuji talks to Akane again.

Fuji: The future of Kyou hangs in the balance, and as no one has sent me the script for the next two episodes, I don’t know how it will turn out.

Akane: Fuji-hime, I hate to break it to you, but there is no script. We’re just making it up as we go along.

Fuji: You know, you might be right about that.

That evening, some of the Hachiyou gather together for a HARD GAY meeting.

Tomomasa: We must all protect Akane, because she is the catalyst for our HARD GAY.

Tenma: If you all want to be REAL MEN, you should stop relying on women- and besides, Akane is mine. I don’t want anyone else using her.

Yorihisa: Even so, we still need the Yu-Gi-Oh card that she is holding.

Tenma: Good point. Whipping Boy Shimon, you can go and get it.

Shimon goes to visit Akane. He shows her some paintings.

Akane: Wow, these random paintings are really pretty. I might as well look at them, since I haven’t got anything else to worry about.

Shimon: Akane, I want to thank you for becoming my first friend, and introducing me to Tenma. As long as I am his whipping boy, I know that he is the only one who is allowed to beat me up- the other bullies leave me alone.

Akane: Shimon-kun…

Shimon: I hope that when we fight the demons, we’ll be able to save them somehow- especially my good friend Sefuru.

Akane: You’re right- I’m sure that my destiny is not only to save the people of Kyou, but also the demons that have been trying so hard to kill them.

At Akram’s lair, the ceremony to infect the Yu-Gi-Oh cards with darkness continues.

Akram: It has taken all episode, but at long last they are a nice shade of black. Luckily, I have already abandoned Shirin, so the three of you can have one Dark Yu-Gi-Oh card each. I won’t ask where Ikutidal randomly teleported to earlier.

Dark Yu-Gi-Oh cards appear before Ran, Sefuru and Ikutidal; they teleport to their boss fight positions. At the manor, Akane senses the evil and goes outside.

Yasuaki: Ah, Miko, there you are. Shimon was supposed to be getting it from you, but since he is incompetent, I may as well directly ask if you wouldn’t mind handing over our Yu-Gi-Oh card.

Akane hands the card over to Yasuaki and Eisen.

Yasuaki: Excellent, now our HARD GAY will be amplified.

Yasuaki and Eisen leave just as Akane notices that Tenma and Yorihisa are going out as well.

Akane: Where are you going?

Yorihisa: Oh, we’re just heading out to fight the demons and save Kyou. You stay here and let the men handle it.

Yorihisa and Tenma leave. Takamichi is seen under a blanket, with his hair down.

Takamichi: Tomomasa has been tiring me out with all his HARD GAY, but I must gather my strength for the final battle.

Sefuru, Ikutidal and Ran reach their final boss positions, and summon Dark Seiryu, Dark Suzaku and Dark Byakko. Eisen and Yasuaki see the Dark Gods in the sky.

Eisen: It looks like the boss fights are all ready and waiting for us.

Meanwhile, Seimei is standing around with generic priests as part of the rain ceremony. Akram appears.

Akram: My name is Akram. Since I am much better looking than any of you, I am here to take control of Kyou. Magical Wind Powers that I never bothered to use before!

Akram sucks all the priests into some kind of warp.

To be continued…

Yasuaki wastes a couple of minutes angsting over budget-saving stills and flashbacks.

(Yasuaki: It’s episode 23, and we still don’t have much of a plot!)

Takamichi arrives at the latest Hachiyou meeting.

Akane: Takamichi, have you been getting enough sleep lately?

Takamichi: Tomomasa’s been keeping me up all night, but I’m fine.

Tenma: Where’s Yasuaki? Why isn’t he here?

Akane: I’m sure he has his reasons…

Tenma: Shut up, woman! It’s all his fault that I lost Ran again.

Tomomasa: We really don’t have the time to worry about your little sister, Tenma- she’s too generic to be important.

Takamichi: But she does control the Black Dragon, so she must have some importance to the plot.

Inori: Who cares about the plot? Siscon is one of the purest and most honourable feelings in the world, so of course we should help Tenma!

Yorihisa: Whatever our motives, we’re going to end confronting Akram anyway- he is the final boss, after all.

Akane: That’s right- the plot is pretty much laid out in front of us. All we need to do is find the last Yu-Gi-Oh card, recover the other three, and free the Four Gods.

Shimon: I hate to ruin the story, but should we really bother to get the last Yu-Gi-Oh card? If we don’t have it, Akram can’t take it from us.

Eisen: That might work for you, but finding the symbol of my HARD GAY connection with Yasuaki is very important to me. Besides, if we do things your way, there won’t be enough material to fill the last few episodes.

Eisen leaves.

Outside, Sefuru is sitting on a roof and angsting to himself.

(Sefuru: Everyone always abandons me; even the people who call themselves my friends get upset when I try to kill them.)

Sefuru spots Eisen.

(Sefuru: Hmm, a spot of evil should take my mind off my troubles.)

Back at the manor, the others continue to talk.

Fuji: Is it really okay for someone as useless as Eisen to go off by himself?

Tenma: Who cares about that? I’m going to go and solve everything with my patented method of randomly running around.

Tenma leaves. Shimon runs after him.

Tomomasa: Well, it’s about time for my HARD GAY appointment with the Emperor. Takamichi, if you don’t mind waiting in your room, I’ll be round to service you later.

Everyone goes off to attend to various unspecified tasks. Akane decides to visit Abe no Seimei.

Seimei: At long last I, the most important mystic of the age, can have five seconds of screen time, for I am too generic to deserve more.

Yasuaki wanders around randomly, indulging in more budget-saving flashbacks. He recalls an earlier meeting with Seimei.

Seimei: Yasuaki, if you want to be a real man, you must learn how to indulge in HARD GAY.

Back in the present, Eisen is randomly wandering around in the forest when Sefuru appears.

Sefuru: I can’t be bothered with a monster of the week today, so I’ll just kill you myself! Fire Ball!

Meanwhile, Akane finds Yasuaki.

Yasuaki: The time has come for me to reveal my semi-tragic secret. I never thought it worth mentioning before, but I am not actually human- I was created by Abe no Seimei. Can such a being ever understand HARD GAY?

Akane briefly indulges in yet another budget-saving flashback.

Akane: I’m not really smart enough to understand what you’re talking about, but I really don’t see any problem. You look human enough on the outside, so you must be equipped for HARD GAY.

Yasuaki starts crying.

Yasuaki: Yes, you’re right…I can be HARD GAY too!

Meanwhile, Sefuru continues to fire energy blasts at Eisen.

Sefuru: I hope you realise that it takes an especially skilled marksman to consistently miss his target- a truly incompetent one might accidentally hit a good guy. Now I will walk towards you slowly, allowing ample time for help to arrive.

Yasuaki senses that Eisen is in trouble.

Yasuaki: Warp Mode on! To Eisen!

Sefuru is still firing energy blasts.

Sefuru: Okay, I’ve had enough of missing the target- this one will definitely hit you!

Sefuru fires a large energy blast, but Yasuaki arrives just in time to block and deflect it.

Yasuaki: Your fireballs are as nothing against my beads!

Akane arrives, causing Deep Orange to appear.

Deep Orange: Genbu Hachiyou, what is it that you hold dearest in your heart?

Yasuaki: Eisen.

Akane starts glowing with HARD GAY catalyst aura.

Eisen: Water Attack that I sometimes have!

Yasuaki: Stock Animation Attack!

Yasuaki/Eisen: Combine to form Water Wang!

A blast of water rushes towards Sefuru, who teleports away just in time. The final Yu-Gi-Oh card appears.

In Akram’s lair, Akram and Ran have been watching everything on magic CCTV.

Akram: Everything is in place, just as I planned, and even if it wasn’t, I would pretend that it was.

To be continued…

Akram stands in front of the sealed Four Gods.

Akram: Hmm, episode twenty-two…I suppose it’s about time I did something. Black Dragon, come to me!

Tenma is visiting Ran, who suddenly becomes silent and distant for a moment.

Tenma: Don’t scare me like that, Ran. For a moment I thought you might try to leave me again.

Ran: Why do you need me, anyway? You neglect me for episodes on end now that you have Akane.

Tenma: It’s not that I particularly care about you anymore; it’s just a matter of principle. I don’t want anyone else having my little sister. Now, you just stay here at home like a good woman whilst I go out and do MANLY things.

At the manor, Akane, Shimon, Inori and Fuji look at the Yu-Gi-Oh cards. Shimon and Inori try to release their HARD GAY powers.

Akane: Please don’t do that here. Anyway, it only works when I’m the catalyst.

Akane’s cellphone starts ringing. She picks it up, but it cuts off.

Fuji: It’s getting towards the end of the series- that means you’re moving closer to your own world.

Akane: That’s convenient.

Eisen arrives.

Eisen: Miko, it’s time to start looking for the last Yu-Gi-Oh card. I want to forge a HARD GAY connection too.

Akane: Okay, but we have to find Yasuaki first, since you won’t be useful on your own.

Akane and Eisen go to Yasuaki’s house, but he isn’t there.

Eisen: How rude of Yasuaki not to wait here in case we randomly came to his house.

Akane: Ran isn’t here either- she isn’t important enough to ever leave the house.

Akane looks around and finds Ran, but when she approaches, Ran slaps her.

Ran: It’s not fair! You got to be the main character and get all those bishies attending to you, whilst I always have to be alone!

(Akane: Oh no, she’s starting to remember.)

Ran: You even got a less generic character design than I did! I hate you!

(Akane: I can’t deal with this by myself!)

Akane runs off. Eisen catches up with her.

Akane: It just isn’t fair. Ran is only supposed to be a minor character, but she always wants to take my place.

Tenma arrives.

Tenma: Akane, how dare you stay out so late with another man? Just because I’m HARD GAY now doesn’t mean that you can start acting like you aren’t my possession.

Eisen excuses himself.

Tenma: So, what were you talking about with Eisen? I want to know everything you did while you were out.

Later, Akane talks to Shimon.

Shimon: I just thought I should get some angst in while I have the chance. You see, when I go home, I won’t have to worry about being called a demon anymore, but what about my good friend Sefuru? He tried to set me up and kill my friends, but I know his intentions aren’t really bad- he’s just misunderstood.

Meanwhile, Ran enters evil mode and leaves Yasuaki’s house. Kotengu spots her.

Ran: I am evil- Butterfly Attack!

Ran attacks Kotengu with her 1 HP butterflies.

The next day, Tenma is practising with a ‘pole’ in front of Yorihisa when Kotengu randomly hurtles through the air and lands at his feet.

Tenma: Not again. You know, if you want to be a comedy character, you should find some new material.

A generic suddenly arrives.

Generic: Bad news! The generic Minister of the Left has been attacked by demons!

Tenma: Oh no, we need to do something.

Akane: I’ll come too.

Tenma: How many times do I need to tell you that women stay at home?

Yorihisa and Tenma leave, whilst Akane stays with Fuji.

(Fuji: Alone with the Priestess at last- perhaps I can finally get some HARD YURI.)

Later, Kotengu finally drags himself over to Akane.

Kotengu: Akane, it would have messed up the plot if I’d been able to tell you earlier, but Ran is evil again now.

Akane: I’d better go and do something about this before she tries to become the main character again.

Meanwhile, tentacles of evil are attacking the Minister of the Left’s carriage. Generics try to stop it.

Generics: Help, we’re too generic to be of any use!

Yorihisa and Tenma arrive, but do little to help. The tentacles are finally dispelled by one of Yasuaki’s seals.

Yasuaki: I think you’ll both agree that I’m the most useful member of the cast.

Tenma: Take that back! I’m useful too.

Tomomasa arrives.

Tomomasa: Tenma, all you do is tell Akane to stay at home. Don’t you realise that we need her to use Cheer in order to level up our HARD GAY?

Takamichi is wandering around. Unbeknownst to him, Shirin is watching.

Shirin: Takamichi, I haven’t given up on my plan to make you relinquish HARD GAY.

Ran continues to create 1 HP butterflies at a random location, but Akane comes over and purifies them.

Ran: Stop interfering with me!

Akane: Don’t you get it yet? If you were meant to be the main character, your powers wouldn’t be so weak and useless!

Ran: I guess you’re right; you are a good person who is surrounded by bishies, whereas I can only be dark and evil.

Akane: Well, at least you understand that now.

Ran: I’m sorry, Akane. I promise not to hurt you for at least five minutes.

Akane and Ran talk for a while, before Akram appears.

Akram: Now, now, Ran, don’t go soft on me. Evil Ray!

Akram fires a blast of dark energy that turns Ran evil again. She attacks Akane and steals the two Yu-Gi-Oh cards she has with her.

Akane: Ran!

Akram: You should feel privileged to see my powers; after all, I usually leave things to my pathetic underlings!

Akram starts to take Ran away just as Tomomasa, Yasuaki, Tenma and Yorihisa arrive. Shirin appears in front of them.

Shirin: Master, I played a little bondage game with Takamichi and stole his Yu-Gi-Oh card!

Akram takes the Yu-Gi-Oh card but otherwise ignores Shirin.

Shirin: Master!

Akram and Ran teleport away.

Shirin: Master…

Yorihisa: Well, I guess your time with the side of evil is done.

Shirin: I shall always support the Master! He has the Yu-Gi-Oh cards, and with them, his vague and inconsistent plan is nearly complete.

Yasuaki: Not quite. We still have one more Yu-Gi-Oh card to uncover.

Shirin: Don’t make me laugh. You aren’t nearly HARD GAY enough to find a Yu-Gi-Oh card.

Shirin teleports away.

To be continued…

One night, Ikutidal and Inori’s sister Seri are on a boat together.

Seri: Why can’t humans and demons just get along? It would render the series pointless, but we wouldn’t have to hide our forbidden love.

Ikutidal: I’m afraid we must be slightly tragic lovers, now with a child on the way.

In Kyou, a drought is killing all the crops.

Fuji: This is awful- the demons have used their inconsistent powers to inflict a drought upon us.

Akane: There must be something we can do. Surely my Convenient Plot Powers can combat this.

Tenma: Akane, this isn’t something that women should interfere in. Let the REAL MEN handle it.

Shimon: But is there anything we can actually do?

Tomomasa: Well, we could randomly run around and try to find the source of the curse. You have to admit that it’s worked for us so far.

Fuji: I have a better idea- why don’t we talk to the demons and try to find out what they’re trying to achieve.

Akane: What a good idea- let’s do that! Then again, it might not be very easy…

(Tomomasa: Yes, the demons are really going to want to chat to humans about their ineffectual and nonsensical plans. Hasn’t anyone noticed that it’s time for the series to get some kind of plot together?)

Inori suddenly feels the need to angst and goes outside. Shimon follows him.

Inori: Why do you always have to trail after me like some puppy? Leave me alone!

Shimon: But, Inori, I thought you had accepted me as your HARD GAY partner.

Inori: Yes, but I don’t need you with me whilst I’m trying to work out complex strategies. The way I see it, I just need to fight Inori, and everything will be okay again. Now, don’t tell anyone else about this until I get in trouble and need help- understood?

Seri sits alone in her empty house. Inori enters.

Inori: Sister, even though I spend most of my time with HARD GAY bishies, I don’t want you thinking that I don’t have feelings for you anymore. My siscon tendencies are as strong as ever.

Seri: Inori, I was out with Ikutidal again last night.

Inori: Why? Why do you keep choosing him over me?

Seri: Inori…

Inori: He’s a demon! Have you forgotten our tragic past?

Inori activates Flashback Mode, revealing a time when he and his sister were driven out of their village for associating with demons.

Ikutidal reports in to Akram.

Ikutidal: There’s been no progress yet, Master.

Akram: What a surprise.

Ikutidal: I’ll be on my way then.

Akram: Ikutidal, I hope you aren’t sullying yourself through congress with humans. Only a pure man can be allowed to indulge in HARD GAY with me.

Ikutidal: Understood, sir.

Akram: If you are even thinking of betraying me, remember that I was the one who ripped out your eye. Acts like that are the ones that inspire the love and devotion of my underlings.

That night, Inori angsts. Akane arrives.

Inori: Hypothetically speaking, if there was some guy with red hair who had an unhealthy obsession with his sister, and that sister wanted to go out with another man…well, what should he do?

Akane: I can’t imagine any person like that, but I always say that true love will out.

Inori: Why are you so naïve? Can’t you just agree with my, er, I mean the red-haired guy’s point of view?

Inori runs off. Meanwhile, Seri indulges in flashback mode. As children, she and Inori only had each other, but all that changed on a day when bandits tried to rape Seri and Ikutidal rescued her.

Bandit: Green eyes and grey hair! He must be one of those blue-eyed, blonde-haired demons!

Ikutidal kills the bandits.

Seri: Apart from my brother, you are the first non generic man I have met! I have already fallen in love with you!

(Seri: Now I’ll pull the sick girl act to reel him in.)

(Ikutidal: After so much HARD GAY with the Master, a woman could be an intriguing novelty.)

Ikutidal: Please take this medicine- it will give you stamina for our encounters.

Through a series of flashbacks, Seri and Ikutidal’s relationship develops, sometimes through scenes where they do not even meet.

The next day, Inori confronts Ikutidal.

Inori: It’s time for a man-to-man face-off, Ikutidal. Only one of us can have Seri, and it won’t be you!

Ikutidal: Why are you getting so worked up over this? Don’t you have HARD GAY now?

Inori starts attacking Ikutidal, who easily dodges.

Ikutidal: Now listen to me, Inori- Seri is mine!

Akane and Shimon arrive.

Akane: Inori! We randomly knew that you would be here!

Shimon: Inori, are you betraying our HARD GAY bond?

Inori: My sister is just as important as HARD GAY!

Seri arrives.

Seri: Inori, even though I am ill, I dragged myself out here. I love you, but I love Ikutidal more- I made that decision a long time ago.

Inori starts crying.

Inori: Sister…

In his lair, Akram summons a dark energy ball.

Akram: I suppose I’ll have to summon the monster of the week myself.

A giant insect-like creature appears before Inori and the others. Everyone stands around as it starts attacking. Finally, Ikutidal draws his sword in order to protect Seri.

(Ikutidal: What am I doing? I will be betraying my Master and his HARD GAY!)

Inori: If you won’t do anything to save her, then let me do it!

Shimon: Inori, don’t fight alone! We should use our HARD GAY to protect everyone!

Inori: Yes, let’s unite and use the power of insert song!

An insert song starts to play, and Deep White appears.

Deep White: Hachiyou of Suzaku, you have finally found your HARD GAY connection. Take this Yu-Gi-Oh card and equip it for a powerup.

Shimon and Inori start glowing with a fiery aura.

Shimon/Inori: Power of fire, DOUBLE HARD-ON!

A stream of fire pours out from their hands and engulfs the monster. Ikutidal takes the opportunity to float away with Seri.

(Ikutidal: Akram must have seen this. He may rip out my other eye.)

Akane, Shimon and Inori go home.

Shimon: So, Inori, now that we are an official HARD GAY couple, Ikutidal is welcome to your sister, right?

Inori: Well, I wouldn’t exactly say that.

To be continued…

Takamichi is randomly wandering around when he happens to see Shirin.

Takamichi: Shirin! What are you doing here?

Shirin: Why, I’m here to see you, of course. My goal is to make you doubt your HARD GAY leanings.

Takamichi: I shall never stray from the path of HARD GAY!

Shirin: Mwahahaha, we shall see about that! Behold my pathetically ineffectual item of the week!

Shirin gets out a purple rock and transforms it into a mirror. Takamichi sees his mother trapped inside.

Takamichi: Mother!

Mother: Takamichi-dono, I really am the spirit of your mother, and not an obvious trick! Your Yu-Gi-Oh card can be found in a nearby forest!

Shirin: You heard her. Find and hand over your Yu-Gi-Oh card, and I’m sure not to keep any promises I make about saving her from a hideous but unspecified fate.

Takamichi: Mother!

Shirin: Of course, if you wish to save her, you will have to betray your HARD GAY comrades. Think about it.

Later, Takamichi angsts over this development. Akane arrives.

Akane: What’s wrong, Takamichi? You seem to be caught up in some angst.

Takamichi: Ah well, it’s nothing really, just that the demons have caught my mother and want my Yu-Gi-Oh card in exchange for her freedom. Now, if you don’t mind, I must activate Flashback Mode in order to explain my tragic past.

Takamichi explains how he was a bastard son who was sent away to live with a random woman.

Takamichi: That woman treated me as if I were really her son, and in order to earn her favour and make her like me, I pretended to be a hard-working person. It was all for nothing, though, for when I was still young, she passed away; from that moment on, I knew that women could not be trusted- and that HARD GAY was the only course open to me.

Back in the present, Akane is very moved by Takamichi’s tale. Tomomasa enters, and reveals that he overheard the story.

Tomomasa: So, Takamichi, what are you going to do?

Takamichi: Don’t worry, Tomomasa, my mother is already dead. You are the one I love now, and I won’t put you in danger in order to save a mere woman.

Akane: But she’s your mother!

Takamichi: I couldn’t call myself a good Hachiyou if I wasn’t fully committed to HARD GAY. Now, Tomomasa, I’m going to go out and attempt to handle this alone- feel free to act as deus ex machina when I get in trouble later on.

Takamichi goes out to find Shirin. Tomomasa and Akane secretly follow. Sefuru is also secretly watching.

Shirin: Ah, Takamichi, I was just randomly standing here and waiting for you to arrive.

Takamichi: I have no intention of handing my Yu-Gi-Oh card over to you!

Shirin: Have you really become so cold towards women? Here, let me reawaken your feelings for your mother!

Shirin summons a vision of Takamichi’s mother in a field of cherry blossoms.

Mother: Takamichi-dono, please agree to the demon’s request. Don’t ignore my needs just because I’m a generic character without even a name. Give her the Yu-Gi-Oh card, and then I can rest happily in heaven until the next time a demon summons my spirit and tries to use it against you!

Takamichi: You aren’t my mother! My mother would happily sacrifice her generic existence for the sake of the main characters!

Mother transforms back into Shirin.

Shirin: You are correct, Takamichi! That was just a pointless little scheme that I created to fill time! Rose Powder attack!

Takamichi is caught in a whirlwind of pink powder.

(Tomomasa: I knew I would have to come along and save him.)

Tomomasa shows himself, and the cherry blossom illusion is shattered.

Tomomasa: Using some convenient plot powers, Akane has disrupted the last traces of your wicked feminine illusions. Now cower before the might of our HARD GAY!

Takamichi: Shirin! I will destroy your evil mirror of temptation!

Shirin: Can you really shatter the last of your feelings for women that easily?

Takamichi goes to shatter the mirror with his ‘dagger’, but is unable to do it.

Shirin: Hahaha, you pathetic fool! Vine whip!

Shirin attacks Takamichi with her vine whip, knocking him back and shattering his glasses.

Shirin: And now that I clearly have the upper hand, I will stand back and let the mirror attack instead!

Four white arms reach out from the mirror and attack Takamichi.

Mother: Takamichi, this mirror version of me may be my actual spirit! Don’t worry about me, for I am just a generic character.

Sefuru: How can a mother possibly love their child? Up until now, I have been a shallow enemy character, but now I shall reveal that I am a tragic half-demon who was abandoned by his mother!

Sefuru runs away.

Shirin: Mirror, what are you doing? I suppose you think that I should go to all the effort of attacking him!

Mother: Takamichi, you must destroy me for the good of the plot and your HARD GAY future!

Takamichi: Mother, I can’t do it! I seem to have some lingering feelings for women after all!

Takamichi is unable to act as the mirror attacks.

Mother: Takamichi, think back to when I died and left you all alone! Women can’t be trusted!

Takamichi: …Yes, you’re right. I’m a Hachiyou who has HARD GAY! I don’t need you!

As Takamichi starts fighting back, Tomomasa enters the battle.

Tomomasa: I was just standing around doing nothing for the last few minutes, but now that my partner has reaffirmed his commitment to HARD GAY, I may as well step in. Takamichi, whatever you’re feeling right now, let me share it with you- that’s what HARD GAY partners are for.

Takamichi and Tomomasa’s gems start glowing, and Deep Yellow-White appears.

Deep Yellow-White: The HARD GAY connection between the two of you cannot be denied. Here, take this ridiculous power-up!

A glowing yellow aura surrounds Tomomasa and Takamichi.

Tomomasa/Takamichi: HARD GAY power, giant wang attack!

A giant ‘wang’ of white energy is created, which smashes the mirror. As Shirin teleports away, the mother’s spirit is released.

Takamichi: Mother!

Mother: Even though I am going to heaven, I will always be ineffectually watching over you.

Mother goes up to heaven, and Takamichi and Tomomasa’s Yu-Gi-Oh card appears.

Takamichi: The Yu-Gi-Oh card! By giving up my last feelings for my mother, our HARD GAY has been approved!

Shirin returns to Akram’s lair, where her master has been watching everything on magic CCTV.

Akram: Why did you come back after failing so miserably?

Shirin: But master, we always fail. I thought that was the idea.

Akram: Just get out of my sight.

To be continued…

Ikutidal visits Akram.

Ikutidal: Reporting as requested, sir.

Akram: I may have requested that you report in five minutes ago, but now I insist that you do not return until the heroes are defeated. You must carry out my will, whilst I sit here and ineffectually curse Kyou.

Ikutidal: Whatever you say, sir. I’ll go and arrange a monster of the week.

Akane is out with Eisen.

Akane: Fuji-hime has consulted the plot, and apparently we should go to the creatively name north peak if we want to find the North Yu-Gi-Oh card.

Eisen and Akane fan each other.

Akane: This fan smells nice.

Eisen: Yes, it contains a special ‘incense’ that I use to get nice and mellow.

Yasuaki consults a nearby tree for information.

Yasuaki: Ah, that was a refreshing chat. The trees are more interesting than some of the characters in this series.

Yasuaki, Eisen and Akane continue on their way.

Yasuaki: Miko, just how exactly did Tenma and Yorihisa demonstrate their HARD GAY bond and get the Yu-Gi-Oh card?

Akane: To be honest, I don’t really understand this whole HARD GAY thing myself. All I know is that your hearts have to become one.

Eisen: Maybe we should go back to Fuji-hime. They do say that if you talk to an NPC enough times, they might offer you some new information.

At the manor, Yorihisa and Tenma spar with ‘wooden swords’.

Tenma: I want you to come at me for real this time!

Yorihisa: Are you sure you are ready for that? You might get hurt.

Tenma: If I can’t take the force of a HARD GAY attack from my destined partner, how I am supposed to endure that of a demon?

Whilst Tenma and Yorihisa continue their practice, Akane, Eisen and Yasuaki have returned home.

Akane: Apparently we have to wait for the game clock to move on a bit before Fuji-hime can tell us anything new.

Shimon and Tomomasa arrive, bringing some bowls of ice.

Tomomasa: Since the emperor has nothing better to do, he personally asked that we bring you this ice.

Tenma and Yorihisa come inside.

Akane: Tenma, you look a little bruised. Is HARD GAY practise really that strenuous?

Yorihisa: Considering that he started ‘sparring’ at such a late age, he really I making incredible progress.

Tenma: I’ll be a match for you some day, Yorihisa!

Shimon excuses himself.

Shimon: Sorry, but I have to go. Inori is a very demanding partner.

Tomomasa: At least you have your partner. Takamichi has gone away one business, leaving me along again.

Takamichi is seen talking to generics again. He sees a vision of Shirin in the sky.

(Takamichi: These unfamiliar feelings for women- what are they?)

Inori and Shimon continue their search.

Shimon: Even though we’ve randomly wandered around for days, we still haven’t found our Yu-Gi-Oh card.

Inori: Maybe we need Akane with us- she could be a catalyst for HARD GAY.

Inori notices that Ikutidal is watching them. Inori runs over to him.

Ikutidal: Inori, even though I am a demon serving the side of evil, I have important information for the Ryuujin no Miko. Perhaps you could pass it on.

Inori: Like hell I will! Didn’t you notice that I hate demons?

Ikutidal: I’ll let you think about it whilst I teleport away somewhere.

Ikutidal teleports away.

Shimon: We should tell Akane about this.

Inori: After the Sefuru incident, I hardly think that we can trust your judgement. I mean, it’s clearly going to be an ironic case of Ikutidal’s information being important, but let’s not tell anyone about this.

Meanwhile, a generic man comes to see Eisen.

Generic: Eisen, I hear that you dress as a woman for the right price. There’s a certain man who would like to employ your services.

Yasuaki: Get away from him, he’s mine.

Yasuaki wanders away.

Man: Okay, let’s go.

Eisen goes to see two generics- the previously unmentioned Minister of the Right and his underling.

Old Generic: Eisen, you seem to have grown into a fine man. Some say you have been taking lessons from Tomomasa himself, so I look forward to our night together.

Eisen: I’m sorry, but I can’t be HARD GAY with just anyone these days. I’m trying to settle down with my partner.

Generic: According to rumours, you have been seen with a young woman of later. Perhaps you are losing your taste for men.

The generics laugh and bid Eisen farewell. Eisen goes to his lake and angsts whilst an insert song plays and some budget-saving flashbacks are seen. Eventually, Akane arrives.

Akane: Eisen, this angst is all very well, but we really need to get on with the plot.

Eisen: But angst is what this series is all about!

Akane: Come to think of it, you have a point. Let’s angst together and waste precious story development time- it should disguise the fact that we don’t really have a story.

Whilst they angst, Tenma goes to visit Ran.

Ran: Tenma, you don’t have to visit me if you don’t want to- I know my place as an unimportant side character.

Tenma: But you are my precious sister…

(Tenma: Is she really that precious? Actually, she’s quite dull.)

Yasuaki arrives.

Yasuaki: I think I should shake things up a bit by telling Ran the truth.

Tenma: You can’t do that! Do you want her causing trouble again?

Ikutidal materialises in a forest.

Ikutidal: I really don’t know what the point of this is, but I may as well put a curse on Kyou. It will make these trees glow in a dark and evil manner.

Eisen’s angst is interrupted.

Eisen: I sense evil close by.

Eisen and Akane run into the forest, which is now red and thus clearly evil. They meet Ikutidal.

Eisen: Look, I don’t want to fight, mainly because I’m too weak to have a chance of winning.

Ikutidal: I agree.

Yasuaki suddenly appears from nowhere and starts fighting Ikutidal.

(Ikutidal: This man- his HARD GAY is well developed for a mere human.)

Yasuaki: Stock animation attack!

Ikutidal: That won’t work on me, for I have randomly placed a curse on Kyou! We could have done this in the first placed instead of using weak monsters of the week, but then the series would have been too short.

Yasuaki: I won’t let you get away this.

Ikutidal: In that case, let me introduce you to my ‘blade’.

Yorihisa randomly appears.

Yorihisa: If it’s a duel of ‘blades’ you want, then let me demonstrate my expertise!

Eisen: Miko, our stats are too low- let’s run away.

Eisen and Akane run away, and conveniently encounter the white flame that is the source of the curse.

Akane: Oh look, the source of the curse is conveniently exposed. I must use my special plot powers to purify it.

Unfortunately, Akane’s powers do not work. Eisen rushes in.

Eisen: Random and Inexplicable Powers! Purify this taint!

Eisen is somehow able to summon a water attack that removes the curse. The forest swiftly returns to normal.

Yasuaki: Even someone as weak as Eisen can defeat you, demon.

Ikutidal: Gwakaka, you may have defeated me this week, but I will just create more weak and ineffectual curses for you to destroy! Now, marvel once more at my teleportation powers!

Ikutidal teleports away.

Akane, Eisen and Yasuaki go to stand by the lake. The generic underling from earlier arrives.

Generic: Eisen-sama, I have been randomly looking for you all episode! Are these your partners?

Eisen: Yes, they are.

Yasuaki: I already told you, he is mine.

The generic runs off, and Deep Purple descends from heaven.

Deep Purple: Genbu Hachiyou, if you can find out what it truly means to have a HARD GAY heart and soul, then I will be able to reveal your Yu-Gi-Oh card.

Deep Purple vanishes.

(Eisen: Once we find our HARD GAY connection, the Yu-Gi-Oh card will be ours! Oh wait, we already knew that.)

To be continued…

Akane, Shimon and Yorihisa go to visit Ran.

Akane: I hope she won’t mind us dropping in to visit her.

Shimon: It should be the highlight of her day. After all, we had completely forgotten about her for a few episodes.

Yorihisa: If Ran remembers her time with the demons, it could help us in some vague and unspecified way.

(Akane: The last thing I want is for her to remember- she’ll get angry about me being the main character again!)

Kotengu is discovered in the basket of fruits Akane was bringing to Ran.

Kotengu: I’m coming with you to Abe no Seimei’s house! It’s the only way to get Yasuaki to change me back to my original form.

Yorihisa: Are you still going on about that? You do know that you’re just a chibi sidekick now.

Akane: Although it’s been plainly obvious for a while now, I’ve only just noticed that Kotengu has eaten all the fruits! Everyone chase after him!

Kotengu flies into a garden to hide, but meets a girl who looks a lot like Akane.

Kotengu: Oh no, how did you have time to change your clothes, dye your hair, and still be waiting here for me?

The real Akane catches up with Kotengu and sees her not-quite double, also called Akane. Later, she relates this tale to Ran, and they giggle pointlessly.

(Ran: I’m sure there is an important reason for me to be here, but until I remember it, I won’t have any screen time.)

That evening, Akane discusses the second Akane with Fuji.

Fuji: Hmm, it looks like we’ll all be forgetting about the main plot for a week in order to focus on two previously unmentioned side characters that no one can possibly care about.

Generic woman: I just happen to know that Akane II is a tragic girl, forced to live with her cruel uncle and break up with her lover.

Tomomasa arrives.

Tomomasa: Conveniently, I have been talking with her lover.

Akane: Perhaps, as main characters, we can help them.

The next day, Akane, Yorihisa, Shimon, Inori and Tenma visit Akane II. Her evil uncle comes outside.

Uncle: Akane II, I am a cruel and harsh uncle, who is also a drunkard. Go and get me some random medicinal herbs before I turn you out of the house.

Akane II and the main characters gather medicinal herbs.

Akane: It’s a shame you have to put up with this, Akane II.

Akane II: What can I do? I’m just a weak female who can’t live on her own.

Tenma: That’s what REAL MEN are for. Just get your lover to protect you whilst you stay at home.

Yorihisa notices that Akane II’s lover is hanging around close by.

Yorihisa: Come on, everyone, let’s give up our screen time so that these two random characters can have a meaningful chat.

Lover chases after Akane II, who runs away.

Akane II: Don’t come after me! You see, I really do love you, but now I must pretend that I don’t love you and actually want to marry a priest.

Lover: A priest? But everyone knows that all priests in anime are either evil, perverts, or both!

Akane: This is awful! We must help these characters.

Lover wanders into town, crying. Inori approaches.

Inori: Look, you’ve made so much of a fuss that we main characters are now going to use our precious screen time to help you.

Lover is dragged off to meet the Hachiyou.

Tomomasa: The eight of us are supposed to be saving the world, but we’ve decided that that’s trivial enough to put on the backburner whilst we help you.

Akane: I’ve come up with this extremely clever plan where we pose as thieves, steal Akane II, and help you two run away. As part of the plan, I will pretend to be Akane II.

Tenma: Akane, you can’t! You have to stay at home where it’s safe and you can’t get taken by other men.

Eisen: He’s right, Akane-dono. Perhaps one of us should dress as a woman…in fact, I already have experience at that.

Whilst Akane and the others put the plan in place, the priest comes to visit Akane II.

Priest: Gwakaka, I am a lecherous priest who has come to pick my wife up in the middle of the night. Audience, feel no sympathy for me, for I am obstructing the course of true love!

The priest takes Akane II away in his carriage whilst she cries and indulges in budget-saving flashbacks of her lover. In short order, however, Yorihisa attacks the carriage and rescues her.

Priest: Akane II! Could my lecherous days have ended even before they even began? Generic underlings, go and recover her whilst I sit here!

The generics run after Yorihisa, but a masked Shimon is waiting for them.

Generics: He must be a demon, and not that well-known loli shota from the OP!

Meanwhile, Akane II has been transferred to a horse ridden by an oddly familiar masked man. She rips his mask off to confirm his identity.

Akane II: I didn’t recognise you with that mask covering the lower half of your face, but now I see that you are indeed my beloved, the person I consider myself closest to in the entire world.

Somehow, the priest gathers many generics, and reaches the house where Tenma and Eisen are posing as Akane II and Lover.

Priest: This woman is just as beautiful as Akane II- I think I’ll take her instead.

Tenma: Get your hands off- he’s mine!

Inori leads Akane II and Lover through a grassy field.

Lover: I’m not entirely sure how this plan helps in the long run, but I’ll go back to my parents and make them accept my love. It’s bound to work, even though it didn’t before this episode.

Over some budget-saving stills, Akane relates how no one cared that Akane II had gone missing.

Some time later, Lover’s parents call on Yasuaki.

Father: Ever since his first lover suddenly went missing, our son immediately fell for a mysterious princess who randomly appeared from nowhere. It’s clear that this is a completely different woman, and we want to know if we should approve the marriage.

Yasuaki waves his beads about in a fake and meaningless fashion.

Yasuaki: My all-knowing beads say that you should let your son marry her, for then all will end well, and we can get back to the main storyline.

Akane and the others congratulate themselves on a job well done.

Tomomasa: Eisen, I bet the emperor would love to see you dressed as a woman.

Eisen: …Uh, he already has.

Elsewhere, Akane II and Lover are finally together.

Lover: So just who were those Hachiyou?

Akane II: Who knows? We’re the main characters of this series, aren’t we?

The series will be getting back to what passes for a plot next episode…if you’re lucky.

Yasuaki and Takamichi are together.

Yasuaki: The plot is telling me that something may happen in Sagano this episode.

Indeed, in Sagano, a tree of evil is glowing. Shirin materialises next to it.

Shirin: At long last, I am going to get some more screen time!

At the manor, Tenma boasts of finding his Yu-Gi-Oh card.

Tenma: I guess this means my HARD GAY is more advanced than anyone else’s.

Shimon: I wonder if Inori and I can find ours. It would mean I would have to be useful again- I just don’t know if I can manage it.

Tenma: Listen, Whipping Boy, if you’re having a hard time being HARD GAY, I’ll give you a few pointers.

Takamichi arrives.

Takamichi: Fuji, do you know where Tomomasa is? He promised me some HARD GAY.

Fuji: I’m sorry, but I haven’t seen him.

Takamichi: Oh.

(Takamichi: He’d better not be cheating on me!)

Takamichi leaves. That evening, he finally catches up with Tomomasa.

Takamichi: Look, Tomomasa, I just don’t think we can call ourselves HARD GAY if we don’t find our Yu-Gi-Oh card soon. Yasuaki has even given me a convenient pointer as to where we should go.

Tomomasa: Takamichi, I’ve already told you that you shouldn’t limit yourself to HARD GAY alone. If you come to appreciate women as well as men, you can be BI.

Takamichi: Tomomasa, I only want to commit to you! And our Yu-Gi-Oh card can be proof of that.

Tomomasa: I really don’t think there’s any need to rush. I’m sure the plot will provide us with our Yu-Gi-Oh card when the time is right. And anyway, if you become BI, we can have a threesome with the Priestess; I’m sure you’d like that.

Takamichi: Why can’t you take our relationship seriously?

Tomomasa: I am being serious.

The next day, Takamichi decides that he might as well look for the Yu-Gi-Oh card by himself. Through a series of budget-saving stills, he talks to generics and makes his way to the forest of evil. As he reaches a suspicious looking house in the middle of nowhere, he hears a woman crying and goes inside.

(Takamichi: Maybe Tomomasa is right, and I should try to cultivate feelings for women. Besides, surely there can be nothing suspicious about this house stuck in the middle of nowhere.)

Takamichi: Excuse me, is there anything wrong?

Woman: Thank goodness you came by. You see, the man I loved dumped me and married another woman, so I’m just randomly sitting and crying here in the middle of nowhere.

Takamichi: I know what it’s like when the man you care for doesn’t seem to return your affections. Here, let me help you.

Woman: Mwahaha, that is just what I wanted to hear! For I am an evil monster who is about to entrap you!

Takamichi is ensnared and trapped inside a lamp.

The next day, Tomomasa is wandering through the marketplace when he meets Akane.

Akane: Tomomasa, have you been keeping Takamichi busy with HARD GAY again? He promised he’d come and see me yesterday, but he never showed up.

(Tomomasa: Hmm, I didn’t see Takamichi yesterday either. Could he really be that upset about our little argument?)

Tomomasa: Don’t worry about it, Akane, I’m sure he’s working or something.

(Tomomasa: I must find Takamichi, but we’ll need to talk privately.)

Tomomasa talks to some more generics, and makes his way to the forest of evil. He enters the house where Takamichi was trapped by the evil woman. Shirin materialises.

Shirin: Akram has taught us not to fight the Hachiyou directly, but to empower weak monsters and then stand back as the heroes defeat them. This is surely the ultimate evolution of the useless underling system!

Tomomasa meets the crying woman. He happens to notice Takamichi’s glasses on the ground.

(Tomomasa: What a convenient clue.)

Woman: Can it really be Tomomasa-sama? I’ve been watching the OP, and I really think that you’re the bishiest man in the series! I’m so happy to meet you.

Tomomasa: I’m sorry, but I’m here for my HARD GAY partner Takamichi.

Woman: Oh, Tomomasa-sama, please forsake your HARD GAY side and marry me instead.

From inside the lamp, Takamichi watches.

(Takamichi: This is awful! I have to watch as my HARD GAY partner is seduced by a woman!)

Tomomasa: I’m sorry, but I’m not really ready to settle down- especially if it means I cannot indulge in HARD GAY anymore. Takamichi in particular is very special to me.

(Takamichi: Tomomasa! You do care about me after all!)

Woman: If you won’t be mine and mine alone, I might just have to kill myself!

Tomomasa: You’re just like Takamichi- still stuck with the old fashioned idea that it is best to stick with only one partner.

Woman: Will you stop going on about Takamichi?

Tomomasa: I’m sorry, but I was trying to subtly hint that you’re not my type, and that I’d rather be with him.

Woman: Then I’m sure you’ll be interested to hear that your dear Takamichi went straight for me. I don’t think he cares about you at all.

Yasuaki appears.

Yasuaki: I can easily get rid of this troublesome woman for you.

Tomomasa: I’m sorry, Yasuaki, but this episode isn’t supposed to be about you. Please let me handle it. If everything goes horribly wrong, then you may intervene, but for now, please stand back and let me use the destined power of insert song to finish this.

An insert song plays as Tomomasa draws his ‘sword’.

Tomomasa: A single thrust of my ‘sword’ will overpower you.

Tomomasa stabs the woman with his ‘sword’ and she starts glowing.

Woman: Such a magnificent ‘sword’! I can happily go to heaven now.

The woman and her house vanish, whilst Takamichi is conveniently freed.

Yasuaki: I’ll leave you two alone, then.

Yasuaki walks off. Tomomasa smiles knowingly at Takamichi. They leave just as Shirin materialises.

Shirin: Damn. Who’d have thought such a weak monster would be defeated so easily whilst I stood back and did nothing?

Takamichi and Tomomasa return to town.

Takamichi: I was just trying to expand my experience as you suggested, so that I can be a worthy partner for you.

Tomomasa: Takamichi, you’re good enough for me already.

Takamichi: I just got worried that we might not be HARD GAY enough to find our Yu-Gi-Oh card.

Tomomasa: Takamichi, you try too hard. Just go with the flow, and let the plot handle the difficult parts. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go home and get some rest. Come and see me later, if you’d like.

Tomomasa leaves as Akane, Shimon and Inori arrive.

Inori: It’s probably going to be our episode next, Takamichi, but if you want to come along and offer some HARD GAY tips, feel free.

Takamichi: I’m sorry, but I already have a date.

To be continued…