Weed: Where is Jerome?

Minor Dog: Sorry, he had to die to give you the strength and resolve to fight on.

Back at the battlefield, brown dogs fight each other. Finally, Akame reaches Gajou.

Battle Message: The Ohu forces have retaken Gajou!

Akame: With a minimum of screen time and noticeable effort, we have retaken Gajou!

Battle Message: Hougen has appeared on the battlefield!

Hougen: Break Level Limit! Increase power to Level 150!

Battle Message: Weed has appeared on the battlefield!

Hougen: Let’s settle this in the only sensible way possible- the good old one-on-one DW style duel.

Weed: Agreed. Everyone, I want you to stand here and watch.

The battle begins…

Weed: Absorb Power of Friendship! Increase power to Level 99! Battouga!

Hougen: How many times do I have to tell you not to keep using the same old trick?

Weed: Thanks for warning me- Mode Switch! Lightning Attack!

Weed begins a series of swift attacks on Hougen; Hougen is downed.

Kyoushiro: Well done Weed, you’ve done it!

GB: Are you sure? We’re only seven minutes into the episode.

Hougen stirs, and gets up.

Hougen: Gwakaka, that was just my third form! Begin Final Boss phase four!

Gin arrives on the battlefield.

Gin: Weed, you may be among the youngest and least experienced of the dogs here, but it is up to you to defeat Hougen by yourself.

Weed absorbs the power of Father-Son bonding.

Hougen: Such insignificant power will not be enough! Aeraga!

Weed is blown back.

Hougen: Follow-up attack! Omnicrush!

Hougen grabs Weed by the tale and begins shaking him.

Weed: Counter with Fang Crunch!

Weed gets in a couple of hits on Hougen’s forehead, but it is not enough- in short order, Hougen tosses a broken and bloodied Weed on the snow.

Hougen: MWAHAHAHA, I have won! That makes me the leader of all dogs in the world!

Kyoushiro: Don’t be ridiculous- evil can’t win!

Gin: I’m afraid we cannot intervene, as there’s no way to add us to the active party.

Suddenly, the green spirits of dead dogs such as Smith and John appear to Weed.

Smith: Weed, please take the ultimate power of Dog Souls!

Weed absorbs the power and stand up.

Weed: Final Attack- Battouga!

Hougen: Not again.

Hougen ducks, and the Battouga misses…or does it? A magical Aeraga wind of destiny blows Weed back, enabling the Battouga to land squarely on Hougen’s forehead.

Other dogs: You’ve done it! Hougen’s HP must be zero by now!

Hougen stirs, and stands up once again!

Hougen: Don’t count me out just yet- I’m a very special type of final boss with no fewer than five separate forms!

Gin: Weed, you have to finish him off.

Weed: Father, I can’t, for I cannot abandon my pure-hearted image now!

Gin: Yes, you are right- I instantly see your point of view. Son, you have surpassed me- which makes you the new Leader.

Weed: Thanks, Dad, although I’ve effectively been the Leader for the entire series anyway.

Hougen: Stop chatting! I’m still alive!

Hougen climbs to the top of Gajou!

Hougen: I am the Leader!

A convenient lightning strike incinerates Hougen.

Weed: Oh good, he died without my having to lift a finger and become a murderer.

Gin: Looks like a happy ending all round.

Flash forward to spring; everywhere is blooming and everyone is happy. Weed sits by himself in a field of flowers.

Weed: Can the series really be ending so soon? I didn’t even get to have a girlfriend.

Jerome’s spirit briefly appears.

Jerome: Don’t worry Weed, your story continues in the manga- all forty-one volumes of it.

Weed: That’s a relief, then.

Weeds friends approach, Weed happily goes to greet them. Could this be…the end?

Many thanks to everyone who read and enjoyed these parodies; if you’d like to see me parody the prequel, Ginga Nagareboshi Gin, be sure to comment here.

Hougen: Do we have to do this again? I know she’s going to knock me into the river.

Reika: I won’t be deprived of any time onscreen, even if it is just a flashback!

Reika knocks Hougen into the river again. Hiro and Mel watch from the shore.

Mel: What do we do now? Our HP is low and we can’t act.

Jerome appears.

Jerome: Never fear, my triumphant return is at hand! Jerome Power!

Jerome leaps into the water.

Mini-game digression: Ginga Densetsu Weed Water Panic! Guide your dog down an icy river filled with obstacles and other dogs. Make sure that your dog doesn’t get too cold or run out of oxygen! Choose from 108 playable characters, including twelve different types of brown dog!

Hougen, Reika and Jerome are carried downriver. Reika soon loses consciousness, and Hougen climbs on her body to get out.

Hougen: Gwakakaka- that should further cement my status as the ultimate lord of evil.

Jerome: I need to catch up to Reika- magical hero powers!

Jerome catches up with Reika and prevents her from drowning; both dogs end up clinging to a black rock in the middle of the river just as Weed arrives.

Weed: Just wait there in the middle of the freezing river for a moment, would you?

Weed equips a log and uses it to rescue Jerome and Reika.

Weed: Jerome, I’m the main character so I’ll go after Hougen

Jerome: Now that I’m on dry land again, I can use my special ability- Summon Allies! Now my allies will appear so that I can leave Reika in their care!

Cut to the main battle- Hougen forces vs. Akame leading the Ohu forces of good.

Battle message: The Ohu forces are gaining morale!

Some brown dogs kill each other; the named characters gather together.

Kyoushiro: Let’s leave the main battle to the unimportant characters and join Weed’s party for the final boss battle.

Meanwhile, Hougen is wandering around when he finds a stray member of his forces.

Hougen: Ah, here’s a random dog that bears a striking resemblance to me. Underling, wander around here and confuse the enemy.

Back at the hotspring, GB is guarding Gin when Kite, Buruge and Bat appear.

GB: Generals of evil, even though I am a low level dog and completely useless in battle, I will fight you!

Sasuke appears.

Sasuke: GB, it’s okay, they’ve seen the error of their ways and switched to the side of good.

Kite: I think I speak for all of us when I say that, although we have been unspeakably evil all our lives, it took only a few minutes to sway us to the side of good.

Buruge: We have finally come to understand the merits of love and friendship over evil and inevitable defeat.

GB: It might be too late to use you as playable characters, but at least you can go on the stone tablet now.

Switch to Hougen. Weed has gone after the underling, but Jerome is on the trail of Hougen himself. Meanwhile, GB randomly spots Hougen whilst wandering around.

GB: Hougen is much stronger than me, but I’m a named character from the OP! If I want to prove myself, it’s now or never!

GB attacks and fails. Jerome arrives.

Hougen: Who are you?

Jerome: Don’t you watch the OP? I’m Jerome!

Hougen: Oh, that Jerome- now I see the resemblance.

Jerome begins attacking Hougen.

Haven’t you read the script, you idiot? Only the main character can defeat me!

Jerome: I have to try anyway- it’s the only way for me to get some screen time!

Jerome fights bravely, but Hougen manages to overpower him.

Jerome: Damn this bullet in my leg, why did I have to be a real man and insist that it was left in?

Hougen: Poetic justice finisher! River toss!

Hougen tosses Jerome in the river. Weed arrives and jumps in after him.

Weed: Sorry, Hougen, but we can’t conclude our battle until next episode!

Jerome: Weed, why are you coming after me after all I’ve done- or rather, the one thing I did many episodes ago?

Weed: Jerome, it doesn’t matter what you do- you cannot sever the ties of friendship that destined main characters share!

Weed and Jerome flow downriver together and get trapped under a thick sheet of ice.

Hougen: Even though I’m destined to lose, I might as well return to the main battle for now.

In the freezing water, Weed’s body temperature drops rapidly.

Jerome: Weed, as the main character, you cannot die in the penultimate episode! Since I have committed many necessary evils in my life, the time has come for me to pay by sacrificing my life for yours!

Jerome does his utmost to keep Weed safe before letting himself drift away with the current.

Jerome: Named dogs briefly seen in episode four, I am coming to join you in the afterlife, better known as heck.

Whilst hunting around on the surface, Kyoushiro and the others pick up Weed’s scent. They dig a hole through the ice and find him.

Kyoushiro: Weed! At last we’ve found you and can join the main character’s party for the final battle.

Cut to Jerome.

Jerome: My final wish is that my fanbase is crying for me right now…well, don’t think that I wouldn’t settle for miraculously surviving this as well.

Only one more episode (and thus one more parody) remains! Stay tuned for the exciting conclusion of Ginga Densetsu Weed!

Weed: Akame, you’ll have to stay behind on the main map and serve as the army commander; Rocket and I are going after Hougen.

Rocket and Weed leave the main level to go on their side quest. They soon catch up with Hougen and Kite.

Hougen: Ah Weed, how considerate of you to bring an underling to fight my general. Let’s have two DW-style duels- you and me, and Rocket vs. Kite.

Weed: Fine with me- but first there’s time for a cutscene. Why don’t you explain just what drove you to the path of evil?

Hougen: Gladly. My long-term goal is not to rule over dogs, but to have the power to destroy the humans who have hurt and abused us for so long! Now, duel start!

Battle message flashes onscreen: Ken and Kagetora’s unit has encountered Bat’s unit.

Ken: Another army…

The two duels begin; Rocket attacks Kite, whilst Weed runs from Hougen, waiting for his Musou to fill.

Hougen: You can’t run forever, Weed!

Weed: Then I’ll just have to use my special attack! Battouga!

Weed turns and charges his Battouga.

Hougen: That won’t work on me twice- I’ve magically learned how to defend against it!

Weed changes the angle of his Battouga to prevent Hougen from evading, but is only able to deal minor damage. Hougen falls into one of the series’ many conveniently placed rivers.

Hougen: This isn’t the end, Weed! As a final boss, I have many phases!

Weed is weakened by his attack. Rocket breaks off the duel to check on him, and Kite obligingly stands and watches.

Rocket: Are you okay, Weed?

Weed: Of course- since I’m the destined main character, I have Auto-Life. Kite, why do you serve Hougen and the side of evilz?

Kite: I also hate humans!

Weed: But why? Couldn’t you enter Flashback Mode to explain?

Kite: Flashback mode denied.

Kite attacks; Tesshin appears.

Tesshin: Your opponent is me! Duel start!

Cut back to the main battle. Bat is using his special ability, Mind’s Eye.

Bat: With my ability to see the entire map, I can direct the course of battle and lead those foolish heroes into a trap.

Ken and Kagetora’s team find themselves surrounded by Bat’s forces, but suddenly a new force arrives to save them.

New Allies: This is why Jerome left- so that he could recruit deus ex machina forces to save the day.

Ben and Kurotora go after Bat and initiate a two player co-operative duel with him.

Cut back to Tesshin vs Kite; for some reason a fire has started. Tesshin equips Flaming Branch, and burns the fur off Kite’s front legs. Metal legs are revealed.

Kite: Yes, this is what the humans did to me- they made me into an enhanced Assassin Dog, free from the light mobility of natural legs!

Tesshin equips normal branch and attacks, lodging the branch in Kite’s collar.

Kite: I’m just going to leave this branch stuck here whilst I chase after you!

Kite chases Tesshin through the trees, until the branch jams in a tree, leaving him trapped and barely able to breathe. Tesshin turns back and starts to free him.

Kite: What are you doing?

Tesshin: Even though it was my tactic that just trapped you here, I will now show mercy upon you and set you free- only in that way will you understand the power of love and friendship.

Kite: Yes, yes- I have been evilz all my life, but now I understand!

Cut to Ben and Kurotora vs Bat. Ken and Kagetora walk in on the battle, and Kurotora is downed.

Kurotora: Great, if you hadn’t distracted me, I could have won.

Bat: No one can win against me; my psychic powers are stronger than even the Dragon’s Eye!

Ben: Don’t listen to him; the power of love can always defeat evil!

Ken and Kagetora charge a double attack and defeat Bat.

Bat: So…this is the power of love and friendship. I now see that I have lived my life in error.

Meanwhile, Hougen has found the reserve party of Hiro, Reika and Mel.

Hougen: Reika, honey, I knew I’d find you eventually.

Mel and Hiro attack, but are easily defeated.

Reika: Do what you want to them, but spare me!

Hiro: Reika, what are you saying?

Reika: I’m sorry, Hiro, but I need to pretend to betray you to make Hougen let his guard down. Hougen, these men are weaklings, I need a REAL MAN like you.

Hougen: At last, my needs can be satiated. Come on, Reika, let’s go and have some fun.

Reika goes with Hougen, but once it is clear that his guard is down, she attacks him, knocking them both into yet another river.

Reika: I’m sorry, Hiro, but even though I’m a female, I wanted to get EXP by attacking Hougen!

Hougen: This isn’t over yet- there are still two episodes to go!

To be continued…

Weed: I’m sorry, Father, but you aren’t a playable character anymore- you’ll have to wait here. Hiro, Kyoushiro, go and rest at the inn to restore your HP and remove status effects.

Three days pass in the space of about a second. At Hougen HQ, Hougen is assembling his forces.

Hougen: Buruge, Bat, Kite, your units will wait outside Gajou. I will stand at the top here, as befits a commander.

Some Kamakiri underlings return to Gajou.

Hougen: Kamakiri was my fairly loyal underling, but I care nothing for him because I am EVILZ! You could act as reinforcements, but instead I will kill you!

Back at Weed’s snowy patch of nowhere, he is planning the parties for the final battles.

Weed: Since there are three mid-bosses, I’ll need three minor parties to fight them. Party One will be Tesshin and nameless Ninja Dogs; Party Two will be Ken, Kagetora, and nameless brown dogs; Party Three will be Kyoushiro, Hook, Sasuke, and yet more minor dogs. Rocket and Akame have been randomly chosen to attack Hougen with me.

Kyoushiro: Weed, thank you for letting me risk my life for you.

The dogs head to the battlefield. At one point, Kyoushiro’s team must jump a wide crevasse. As the others manage it, Hook, Sasuke, Ben and Cross are left behind.

Ben: I may be old and blind, but once I figure out which direction to run in, I can make it.

Cross: That’s the spirit, although I’m not sure why I’m being allowed to come, since I’m female.

Ben and Cross leap across the crevasse.

Hook: I won’t be outdone! Named character invulnerability- activate!

Hook and Sasuke make the jump.

Sasuke: Now that the writers have remembered me, there is nothing I cannot do.

Jerome watches from afar; he feels a pain in his leg.

Jerome: Even though I could have easily had the bullet in my leg removed, I am now going to suffer pain and paralysis to show that I am a REAL MAN.

The battle begins as the various underling units attack each other and Weed’s party takes a secret route to circumvent the mid-bosses. Kyoushiro’s unit attacks Buruge’s unit, but when he starts losing, he accepts a Dynasty Warriors style one-on-one duel.

Kyoushiro: Special Move- Cross Leap!

Buruge: Copy Move- Cross Leap Remix!

Kyoushiro and Buruge duel for a while.

Kyoushiro: You aren’t bad for a brown dog, but you can’t beat a Destined Hero like me!

Buruge: Think again- my Musou gauge has just filled! Musou part one: Flashback Mode!

A flashback ensues in which Buruge dispatches a dog named Kantarou.

Buruge: Now for Part 2- Shinigami Mode!

Buruge overpowers Kyoushiro, who enters a flashback mode of his own.

Kyoushiro: Weed, even though you aren’t here right now, I’d like to thank you for everything. Without you, I could never have become an important OP character…that’s right, I am an OP character! Powers of Friendship and Plot Necessity, Activate!

Kyoushiro’s HP bar refills, and he gains the strength to defeat Buruge. Meanwhile, Weed’s party has reached Hougen’s position.

DW Message flashes up: “The enemy commander has changed position!”

Weed: HOUGEN!!!!!

Hougen: I have been taking lessons from Niwe- MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

OMG TEH SUSPENSE!!

Weed: Let’s head out at once and bring them back safely before Kamakiri’s forces get them. All named characters except Hiro, you’re with me.

Hiro: But Weed, Kamakiri killed my father and damaged my right eye; you have to let me come.

Weed: Hiro, since you feel so strongly about coming, you must stay behind and join us later in the episode.

Hiro: Oh, okay, I suppose we should follow procedure right to the end.

Meanwhile, Kyoushiro and Gin take refuge in a cave whilst Kamakiri underlings search for them.

Gin: You should go on without me…save yourself.

Kyoushiro: What is with you and your self-sacrificial attitude? We’ve spent all these episodes worrying about you and trying to rescue you and you haven’t uttered a word of thanks. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to find another losing battle.

Kyoushiro reveals himself to the enemy.

Kyoushiro: I’m hopelessly outnumbered, but nonetheless I shall fight you and protect Gin, who may or may not be hidden somewhere around here!

Kyoushiro fights the enemy but is quickly overpowered and dragged off. Some minutes later, Weed’s forces pass by.

GB: My GB sense is tingling! Evil must be nearby!

Cut to Gajou. Hougen is in the grip of paranoia.

Hougen: The end of the series is coming, and the final battle is near…I know I’m destined to lose but I must put up a good fight.

Cut to Reika and Hiro.

Hiro: I must go and help Weed, for Weed’s father is like my own father in all regards- except for the fact that a) he isn’t my father and b) I barely know him.

Reika: I understand, and am just glad to get some screen time.

Hiro departs.

Musou Mode: The Battle with Kamakiri

Some pointless fighting occurs until Hiro appears on the battlefield and challenges Kamakiri.

Hiro: You killed my father! Now face me in a one-on-one DW style duel!

Kamakiri: You’re ten years too early to face me, boy.

Hiro: That’s what you think. Special Ability number one- Defang!

Hiro feints and rips out Kamakiri’s fangs.

Hiro: Now for my patented finisher- Ball Snatch!

Hiro ‘snatches’ Kamakiri’s testicles.

Hiro: Mmm, haven’t done that for a while.

Kamakiri: How could you do that to me!?

Kamakiri underlings: We’re only nameless minions- even though we outnumber the named characters we should run away.

Kamakiri’s forces run away.

Hiro: Kamakiri, since I am on the side of good, I must not kill you. I will just let you live in pain and humiliation for however long you last, only able to catch rats.

Kamakiri: NOOOOO!!! Worse than any physical loss is the knowledge that I am no longer important to the plot!

Weed’s forces leave Kamakiri behind and head towards the final confrontation…

Bat: Using my special ability, Mind’s Eye, I can immediately see the truth of matters- truly a useful plot device.

Random dogs: Tasuke, we’ve known you for all of five minutes! Surely you can’t be a traitor!

Hougen begins savaging Kyoushiro.

Hougen: Who cares if he’s a traitor? A good savaging is the perfect way to get to know this dog and see if he’s worthy or not.

Toube arrives.

Hougen: Toube! How did you survive?

Toube: I have mastered the secrets of Mai-Otome; with them, a fall such as mine was as nothing to me.

Hougen: Excellent timing, Toube- you see, we have a potential traitor right here in our midst. To reaffirm your loyalty to me, I’d like you to kill him.

Toube: Of course, sir.

Kyoushiro: You bastard, you’ll never get me, for I am Kyoushiro of Shiga!

Random dog 1: What? You’re Kyoushiro?

Random dog 2: You know, I thought he looked familiar- he’s from the OP!

Duel Start: Toube vs Kyoushiro

Toube begins attacking Kyoushiro.

Toube: Enter Telepathic Mode!

Suddenly, Kyoushiro and Toube can understand each other’s thoughts.

Toube: [Kid, I hope you understand that I’m doing this as part of our bigger plan to get a double agent inside Hougen’s inner circle.]

Kyoushiro: [Of course, I’ve read ahead in the script.]

Toube: [Okay, I’m going to knock you out now. Leave the rest to me.]

Toube smashes Kyoushiro’s head against a rock, rendering him unconscious.

Hougen: I told you to kill him- why didn’t you finish the job?

Toube: Sir, we shouldn’t kill a named character from the OP until all the lesser dogs have been used up. Let’s just imprison him instead.

Hougen: Fair enough.

Kyoushiro is imprisoned with Gin inside Gajou.

Duel Complete! Main Level Start!

Mission Briefing

Cut to Weed’s forces.

Akame: There is a storm tonight, and this is episode 21; what better time to suddenly decide to rescue Gin through a convenient secret passage I previously failed to mention?

Weed: Let’s do it.

Victory Conditions: Rescue Gin and Kyoushiro.

Defeat Conditions: There are none; the plot dictates that good must win out.

Mission start

Weed and Akame make their way down the secret passage. Meanwhile, Toube begins his infiltration from the front entrance, unaware that Kamakiri is spying on him.

Kamakiri: It’s just as we thought; Toube has joined the Stars of Heaven!

Battle message: Weed has engaged the enemy!

Weed: It may look like I’m being a coward and running away, but I’m actually providing a diversion whilst Akame rescues my father.

Hougen Underlings: After him! We must uphold the long tradition of underling stupidity!

Battle message: Akame and Toube have reached Gin and Kyoushiro!

Gin: You must leave me behind…I can’t take the pain of not being the main character anymore!

Akame: Forget it, Gin, we must obey the will of the storyline.

Toube carries Gin on his back as the party escapes. Kamakiri’s forces chase after.

Cutscene event- the rescue party triggers a cave-in to block Kamakiri’s progress.

Kamakiri: Foiled again! If I was physically able to do so, I’d start shaking my fist in anger about now.

The rescue party emerges from the secret passage, whilst Weed makes it out through the front entrance, past Hougen himself.

Hougen: Damn, it’s a few episodes too early to engage him again.

Meanwhile, at the entrance of the secret passage, Toube chooses to stay behind.

Toube: My name is even now greying out on the stone tablet; that means it’s my duty to stay behind and sacrifice myself in order to slow Kamakiri for five minutes.

Akame: I can see you’ve accepted the duties of a brown dog- farewell, Toube.

The others leave Toube behind.

Toube: Enter Challenge Mode!

A stream of enemies pours out. Toube kills a steady stream of them until he is overwhelmed.

Kamakiri: That’s the end of your Challenge Mode, Toube, and you aren’t even in the top three on the high score board.

Toube: I will never lie down to the likes of you!

Toube remains standing despite his injuries, but Kamakiri’s forces move on anyway. Later, the Ohu dogs find Toube’s frozen corpse, still standing.

GB: Toube, we barely knew you, but you were a brave brown dog until the end. Unfortunately, now the story must progress without you, for there are more important characters at hand.

The boss battle with Kamakiri awaits our forces! The excitement continues in the next thrilling episode of Ginga Densetsu Weed.

Play Weed rap: Ginga, GingaDen, Densetsu Weed

At Gajou, Hougen is none too pleased about GB’s escape. He takes his anger out on Gin.

Hougen: I know I’m destined to be defeated by the end of the series, but for now, I’m in charge! And I say it’s time to initiate the beginning of phase one of the final battle. Move out!

Mission Briefing

GB draws a vague map using sticks and stones.

Weed: Thanks, GB, with this accurate intelligence we can finally make a move. Enter Briefing Mode!

Stills from a magic CCTV are displayed onscreen.

Weed: As we can see, Hougen’s forces have split into five separate divisions; Hougen (large red triangle), Kamakiri and the three remaining generals of evil (smaller red triangles). They greatly outnumber us, so what I propose to do is split up our forces. Women and low level fighters, go with Mel, the rest of you come with me. Oh, except you, Kyoushiro.

Kyoushiro: How can you leave me behind? You know I’m hot-headed and need to be on the front lines.

Weed: I’m sorry, Kyoushiro, but we might need an unexpected plot twist or deus ex machina later on. That’ll be your job.

There is some more discussion, but in true Dynasty Warriors style the player of the game skips it.

Victory conditions: Defeat Hougen (don’t kill him though, or there won’t be any material left for the next six episodes).

Defeat conditions: Weed is defeated; viewer gets bored and closes media player.

Mission start

Weed’s forces are spying on Hougen.

Weed: This is only episode twenty, but there is no doubt- I must fight Hougen now.

Meanwhile, Mel’s team are swimming downriver.

GB: Why are we swimming?

Mel: It gives us something to do whilst the other dogs fight.

Campaign message: Weed’s forces have encountered Hougen’s forces!

Weed: The battle is joined.

Brown dogs kill each other whilst Weed waits for his Musou gauge to fill. Finally, it is ready.

Weed: Flames of Hell, vanquish the wicked! …I mean, Battouga!

Hougen: You fool, you cannot defeat me yet! There are still six more episodes after this one!

Hougen is knocked headfirst into the snow by Weed’s attack. A short victory track is played. Weed’s forces retreat just as the other four Hougen squads arrive.

Kamakiri: How convenient for the plot.

Post mission

Back at the river, Kyoushiro is nowhere to be found. He has snuck away from the “women and children” party and run into Jerome.

Kyoushiro: Jerome! Why are you still hanging around here?

Jerome: I’m just here to hand you your revised script, as you can see there are some exciting changes in store for your character

Jerome hands Kyoushiro his new lines and departs for off-screen-land. Kyoushiro’s underlings arrive.

Random dog: Kyoushiro, if you’re going to go off your own, then we’re coming with you!

Kyoushiro: Look, the whole point of going off your own is that no one is supposed to come with you.

Kyoushiro starts attacking the nameless dogs.

Random dog: What are you doing?

Kyoushiro: I’m sorry, but this is what the script told me to do. I’m supposed to make you hate me by pretending to join Hougen; this will toughen you up and put me in prime position to betray Hougen later on. Oh, and look, some Hougen forces are on their way over here as we speak- you’d better get going.

The nameless dogs depart as a Hougen squad arrives.

Minor EVILZ dog: Hey, what are you doing here?

Kyoushiro: Who, me? I’m just a minor dog who randomly wants to join up with you, definitely not a named character from the OP.

Minor EVILZ dog: Okay, come with us.

Weed’s team are now swimming downriver.

Rocket: Great job you did there, defeating Hougen.

Weed: I’m sorry, Rocket, but the series isn’t over yet. That was just Hougen’s first form. Enter magic CCTV mode.

Cut to Hougen as he explains how he sacrificed an underling to survive.

Hougen: That was only my first form! I shall transform at least three more times before the end, so bring plenty of Phoenix Down!

Hougen tuns to Kamakiri, and tosses him into the river.

Kamakiri: What was that for?

Hougen: You should have arrived sooner and finished off Weed so that we could get the perfect ending in Musou Mode.

Kamakiri: You know, this whole ‘ruling by intimidation’ thing is getting old. You do realise it will be your downfall, don’t you?

Hougen: I’ve spent an entire season being an ugly bastard; I’m not about to change now.

Cut back to Weed and his party as they return to base.

Random dog: Bad news, Weed, it looks like Kyoushiro has defected.

Weed: Well, that puts a crimp in my plans, but never mind, I know it will all work out by the end.

Toube approaches.

Toube: As a former general of evil now turned to the side of good, I’d like to offer my services as a double agent.

Weed: Happy to have you on board. Of course, since you are a brown dog, you’ll probably die in the line of duty, but I take it you’re fine with that?

Toube: Of course; you see, in the space of an episode I have finally found where I belong! Now, if only I could find a way to take these leather straps off.

Weed: Oh no, you mustn’t do that- you’d be indistinguishable from Moss, Musashi, and even nameless brown dogs.

Toube: I understand, sir- once again, you have shown me the light.

Our heroes are outnumbered and the situation is grim; hold onto the edge of your seat as you prepare for the next exciting episode of Ginga Densetu Weed!

Hougen: You fool, why did you run away? You should have got pointlessly massacred!

Kamakiri: The thing is, Hougen, that whole approach is a bit short-sighted- if our forces keep dying, good will defeat us easily well before episode 26, and the rest of the series will have to be spent in the hotsprings.

Hougen: I suppose you have a point, but I am evilz- so if you fail me again, I will eat you.

Cut to Weed’s party- a pair of random Hougen dogs standing beside a river call out for their help.

Keri: You have to help us; Toube is alive and being pulled downriver by the current!

Kyoushiro: Wait, aren’t you all on the side of EVILZ? Why should we help you?

Weed: Remember to code of good, pure-heartedness- we must help anyone who is in trouble.

The rescue takes place offscreen, and we cut to the Ohu northern fortress (nope, I didn’t know they had such a thing either).

Toube: I hope you realise that rescuing me doesn’t change anything. Hougen may have tried to kill me, but this isn’t Three Kingdoms- I need at least two days before I decide to change sides.

Musashi: Toube, is that you? I conveniently know you from the past, so let’s enter Flashback Mode together!

Scene dissolves to flashback.

Musashi: Back in the old days, when I was a fighting dog, I faced off against Toube in the finals of a tournament (shounen action series must always have tournaments aplenty). Our fight lasted the equivalent of four anime episodes, but in the end I was so happy and excited that I just lay down and let Toube win.

Back to the present.

Toube: Winning because you lay down means nothing to me. I can only be satisfied with a good ripping-apart kill.

Weed: Toube, regardless of your past or your allegiances, stay here and rest up.

Toube: I cannot! I must go and rip out Hougen’s throat, or more likely die in the attempt.

Toube tries to get up, but collapses.

Toube: Then again, maybe not.

Two days later, and everyone at the fortress is gathering food. Keri and the other random Hougen dog decide to leave.

Keri: Well, we’ll be on our way, then. By the way, you should really know how EVILZ Hougen is- he’s eaten other dogs and even his former owner.

GB: Do we really need to know that? The viewers have already seen that in flashback, and we were going to fight him anyway.

Keri and random dog depart.

Kyoushiro: Should we really let them go and compromise the safety of this base?

Weed: It’s okay; I trust them implicitly, as I trust everyone.

A short way away…

Keri: Okay, let’s go and inform ay, let’… depart. anyway.n flashback, and is- he’safety of this base?

happy and excited that I just lay down and let THougen about the Ohu northern fortress, since he’s bound to promote us and not, as all prior evidence suggests, rip our throats out.

Jerome appears and pins Keri.

Keri: Who- who are you?

Jerome: I am Jerome, self-appointed leader of the Ohu Black Ops Division. Now since I’m currently trying to the learn ways of merciful heroism, I’ll let you off with a warning this time.

Back at the fortress, Toube is unimpressed with the bird GB gives him to eat.

GB: You may be a former general of evilz and all that, but never mind, I’ll go and get you a nice nutritious snake- everyone knows that snake meat is good for you.

GB unsuccessfully hunts for a snake before finally settling on a rat. As he goes to catch it, however, he runs into a trio of Hougen minions.

GB: Oh no, I’ve wandered too close to Gajou- er, I mean, I’m just a Hougen underling named JinBei, a name totally unrelated to GB.

Minion: Come on, let’s get back to Gajou. I’ll show you the way.

GB has no choice but to follow them back to Gajou. Somewhere along the way (offscreen), he picks up a snake.

Minion: Come on, let’s go and deposit this food in Hougen’s stash.

GB: So what exactly was the point of my getting this snake if I’m just going to have to leave it here.

GB follows the minions into Gajou and leaves the snake behind. On the way out, he gets lost in its inexplicably complex interior, and spots Gin.

GB: Leader, is that you? We always knew you were being held prisoner by Hougen, and now we know that you’re being held prisoner by Hougen- this changes everything!

Guard: Get out of here, suspicious dog.

GB goes outside; he is about to slip away when he runs into Sasuke.

GB: Sasuke! The writers finally remembered you! Did you ever find your owner?

Sasuke: Actually, I was drafted into the Hougen army as an excuse to get me back in the story.

The minions randomly show up.

Minion: Hey JinBei, how’s it going?

Sasuke: JinBei? I thought your name was GB.

GB: Uh, no, not at all.

Minion: Now that you mention it, he does look an awful lot like GB from the Ohu army- under normal circumstances we wouldn’t know who the hell he is but we’ve seen him 19 times in the OP already.

GB: Since I’m only a Level 11 fighter, initiate Escape Mode!

GB and Sasuke start running. Meanwhile, back at Ohu fortress, Weed is getting worried about GB.

Kagetora: What’s to worry about? He’s probably stuffing his face somewhere.

Weed: What if he gets in trouble? You know he hasn’t mastered any Special Abilities. Let’s go and find him- it shouldn’t be hard if we turn the area map on.

Indeed, GB and Sasuke are in trouble, but never fear, for as they are about to get owned, Weed, Ken and Kagetora join the active party. The battle is over in one turn.

Weed: To those who underestimate the value of levelling up, I say “behold”!

Sasuke: Weed, is that you? You’ve come a long way, as befits a main character.

Weed: Sasuke, ever since you disappeared between episodes one and two, I’ve keenly felt the absence of your name on my stone tablet.

Sasuke: This time, I’m back for good, that is provided the writers don’t forget about me again.

Weed: Let’s get back to our fortress.

Back at the fortress:

GB: Hey everyone, I went to Gajou and saw Gin.

Various dogs: GB, your pointless mission gives us a much clearer picture of how to go about the final fight- we have such respect for you now.

Sasuke: Oh, and by the way, he’s Weed’s godfather.

Everyone is impressed.

GB: Of course it was my intention all along to carry out a dangerous and difficult mission.

Weed: Now that we know where Gin is, planning the final battle becomes much easier. I’m not sure how exactly, but we have to make GB feel useful.

Meanwhile, Toube seems to have recovered.

Toube: Now listen to me- you and I share the same goals, we’ll be fighting on the same side, and my name will be on the stone tablet, but officially I won’t have joined your party, okay?

Weed: That’s fine. I’ve learned the error of trying to actively recruit people; they all come to me in the end.

Next episode: the final fight part one, already? What about the other three generals of evil and Kamakiri mid-boss? I demand resolution!

Subordinate dog: Hougen, what are you doing?

Hougen: I know it seemed like I just ripped my brother’s throat open, but what really happened was much deeper than that. Enter Flashback mode!

Cut to the probably not too distant past. An anonymous narrator starts speaking.

Narrator: Now, I know you’ve all been thinking that Hougen is your average run-of-the-mill, two dimensional villain…and, let’s face it, he is, right down to the point in the series when you discover that he was driven to EVILZ by a greater EVILZ. You see, what happened was that Hougen and Genba were locked up this EVILZ human and forced to eat their fellow captives (unimportant brown/black dogs, might I add) to survive. When the EVILZ human returned, they ate him and became the cruel (if not unusual) villains we know and hate today.

Back to the present; Hougen captures Toube and his forces.

Hougen: Everyone knows that thuggish types like myself value their brothers above all else! Subordinates, kill Toube and Genba’s underlings for letting them die!

Toube: Hougen, don’t you think that executing a sizeable chunk of your forces is a really bad idea?

Hougen: You fool, it establishes me as even more evil than before, and makes it easier for the forces of good to defeat me at the end of the series.

Hougen kills Toube. Three generals and Kamakiri left.

Meanwhile, Weed and his party are proceeding to an unspecified safe hideout when they meet up with Akame’s team.

Akame: Weed, we’re officially joining your party now.

Play Suikoden wav; the group proceeds until they spot Kamakiri’s forces.

Hiro: Looks like another mid-boss we’ll have to fight before we can get to the final stage.

Weed: It’s okay; I have a plan.

Weed and Rocket run out in front of the enemy.

Weed: Oh no, we’ve accidentally run into the enemy. Let’s run away and hope they’re stupid enough not to realise it’s a trap.

Weed and Rocket run off.

Kamakiri: After them!

Kamakiri’s group follow Weed and Rocket. They reach a cliff; Kamakiri checks himself but unimportant brown dogs fall down and have to climb back up.

Weed: It looks like the plan didn’t work as I predicted, who would have thought that a cliff we could easily traverse offscreen wouldn’t prove fatal to our enemies?

Rocket: What should we do now?

Weed: It’s okay, the studio has found enough money to animate more dogs than just the two of us- we can proceed with a new plan.

Rocket continues to lure Kamakiri’s squad onwards whilst Weed sets up plan B!

Kamakiri: After him! They tried to trick us once, so it’s inconceivable that they’d do it again!

Kamakiri’s squad continues on until they find themselves surrounded by a circle of Weed forces!

Kamakiri: Oh no, we clearly outnumber them but they have good on their side! We’ll surely be defeated, but let’s go forth and die like dogs!

Weed: Oh no, they’re going to call our bluff! I didn’t see that coming either!

A squad of brown dogs appears, led by ‘heavy’ brown dogs Moss and Mushashi.

Moss: Don’t you just love it when backup for the side of good appears!

GB: Quick, we can capitalise on this! Everyone run round and round and shout out, and the enemy will believe invisible reinforcements are arriving!

The named characters follow GB’s lead.

Hiro: Don’t you think this a touch too ridiculous?

Kyoushiro: Don’t be stupid!

Kamakiri: This trick has been used at least a hundred times before, but as a mid-boss I’m still stupid enough to fall for it. Retreat!

Kamakiri’s troop retreats; their eventual defeat must be stretched out a bit more. Weed goes to meet Moss and Mushashi.

Moss: We’re Gin characters (probably) who’d like to inscribe our names on the new stone tablet. Jerome recruited us, through a sequence that, like much else in the series, conveniently took place offscreen.

Weed: Is Jerome here?

Moss: He was here just a minute ago, but seems to have disappeared.

Cut to Jerome, who watches events from a short distance away, together with four nameless bodyguards (one actually appears to be female!).

Female bodyguard: Assuming I’m not an effeminate male, I represent a sidelined gender in this series, and so must have at least one line. Jerome, why can’t you rejoin Weed? Your name is currently greyed out on the stone tablet.

Jerome: Nameless characters like you just can’t understand that Weed and I need to endure episodes of angst and misunderstanding before we can become best buddies again (in a proper, manly sense) and defeat the final boss. We still have eight episodes to fill!

Jerome leaves. Weed calls out after him.

Narrator: Who am I? You shall never know. And yet, I can tell you that an ominous evil is stirring- and as you well know, I’m only saying this so that you’ll feel watching the next episode is a must.

To be continued in the next exciting episode of Ginga Densetsu Weed!

Hougen: Listen, I don’t care if there are only three women in the series! I have needs, you know!

Genba: Let’s kill these failures and be done with it.

Hougen: No, brother, I have a better idea. We need to appoint strong generals to bring me my women, and what better way to find them than by holding a tournament?

Genba: You’re right; everyone shounen action series needs a tournament of some sort.

Cut to Kyoushiro and his brown dogs; they are observing Weed’s party from afar, but have yet to pluck up the courage to rejoin the group. Mel approaches them.

Mel: Oops, these guys might be enemies. I’d better make a big show of hiding myself.

Kyoushiro: Hey kid, are you a spy?

Mel: Oh no, better run for it!

Mel runs towards Weed’s party. Kyoushiro follows.

Weed: Kyoushiro, you’re back! I was wondering where you got to.

Kyoushiro: Is it really okay for me to come back? I did say some pretty harsh things last episode, after all.

Hiro: What, are you still harping on about that? That was two days ago, it’s ancient history now. Weed forgives everyone so he’ll have no problem accepting you back in the group.

Kyoushiro: It just doesn’t feel quite right to me.

Weed: Okay then, Kyoushiro, let’s have one of those pointless macho making-up rituals where I give you the canine equivalent of a good punch in the face and then we’re both the best of friends again.

Kyoushiro: Sounds good to me.

Weed head butts Kyoushiro; all is well again. The party moves on a little way.

Weed: So anyway, Mel, why are you here?

Mel: Akame sent me to tell you that Hougen’s forces have taken over Gajou and turned into their final stronghold of EVILZ.

Everyone is shocked.

GB: Hang on, we’re all acting surprised, but didn’t we pretty much find out about this last episode?

Rocket: Never mind about that, we need to mount an attack.

Weed: No need to be hasty; there’s eight episodes left after this one. There’s a save and restore point here, so everyone should rest up and regain their HP whilst I choose the party members for my scouting operation. Rocket, GB, Tesshin, Kyoushiro- you’re with me; Ken, Kagetora, you’ll be in charge until we get back.

Weed’s scouting party leaves; cut to Gajou, where the fighting tournament is in its closing stages. A large brown dog, Toube, has just defeated his generic brown opponent.

Hougen: Come on Toube, prove yourself worthy by killing him!

Kamakiri: has it occurred to you that slaughtering our own forces isn’t really a good move in the long term?

Hougen: If you want better developed villains, go and watch something else.

Toube kills the brown dog.

Hougen: Well done. You shall be one of my four generals. Now go with Genba and find me some women.

Genba and Toube head back to the human settlement. Akame’s group notices them, but before they can decide to do, Shigure and his newly recruited group of grey and black dogs run straight into the two evilz bosses.

Genba: I remember you- good to see you’ve brought some grey and black dogs, I’d tired of killing browns.

Shigure: My team and I will avenge my fallen brothers!

Akame, Hook and Kurotora join the party.

Genba: You lesser dogs are nothing! Bring me some more important characters!

Weed’s scouting party arrives.

Genba: That’s better- battle start!

The lesser dogs from each side engage each other.

Genba: Now that those lower ranked dogs are out of the way, let’s begin the only type of battle fit for a REAL MAN- the one-on-one Dynasty Warriors 4 style duel!

Double battle: Toube (Level 62) vs. Weed and Genba (Level 80) vs. Tesshin. Genba appears little match for Tesshin, but Shigure joins the battle for good measure. Weed defers his match to beat off lesser dogs and free up the new grey and black allies.

Grey/black allies: Drill attack!

Three grey and black dogs use a spinning drill attack on Toube.

Weed: Genba, just give up and surrender to us!

Genba: You fool, this is far from over- for just when evilz seems about to be defeated, reinforcements always arrive to turn the tide!

As if on cue (which, let’s face it, they are), Kamakiri’s reinforcement squad arrives.

Genba: Now you shall be owned instead.

Akame: I think not, for destiny is on the side of good.

A convenient blizzard starts up, forcing the Hougen forces to withdraw. The side of good regroups.

Tesshin: Weed, we finished off Genba for you…oh, don’t worry, since you don’t like we didn’t kill him, we just left him horribly maimed instead. He’s probably in incredible pain, but the important thing is that he’s still alive.

Kamakiri’s forces tend to Genba, who kills a greyish brown dog in his rage and anger.

Kamakiri: Looks like one of the big three is gone, unless he returns to battle as insane berserker dog.

Will the wait for the next episode to be subbed prove too much? Will the suspense drive us as insane as Genba? I have to say, it seems doubtful.

No dogs were harmed in the making of these parodies.