Yoshioka: Thanks for everything you did, Tachibana- and don’t worry, we won’t reveal your name as a low-life collaborating snitch!

Udagawa: It’s just as well you got there when you did, because after the cake would have come death! That’s how meals usually go, isn’t it?

(Tachibana: Oh, shut up, you minor characters! When am I going to get closure? I’ve wasted eleven episodes of my life in a stupid cake shop just to catch these damned kidnappers!)

Tachibana returns to Antique, where the others are still waiting.

Ono: Tachibana, is it true that the series is ending?

Tachibana: Yes, but we have one episode left- so we should make the most of it.

Ono: So, how was the child?

Tachibana: Oh yeah, he was okay.

Everyone seems happy, and Chikage even cries tears of happiness.

Tachibana: Oh come on, who cares about that? It wasn’t like he was the one who kidnapped me!

Meanwhile, the Original Kidnapper™ is moving house and may never be caught.

Solicitor: Well, this completes the contract- do you know where you’re moving to?

Man: I know where I’m going- Hell.

Time passes, and Antique Bakery continues to go from strength to strength. Everyone lives happily ever after- except that there are 14 minutes still to fill. So instead, Tachibana wakes up one morning to find that Chikage has packed his bags.

Tachibana: What- what’s going on here?

Chikage: I must leave you now, young Master.

Tachibana: What- are you going away to train in the mountains?

Chikage: No, I’m just moving out to my own place. Now that you don’t need me to make your cocoa and hug you at night, I think it’s a bit HARD GAY for us to be living together.

Tachibana: When has that ever been a problem?

Chikage: I’m afraid it’s time for me to get my own place so I can bring home other men. Farewell- I may get in touch some time.

Tachibana: Well, this is the era of e-mail and mobile phones, so it won’t exactly be hard.

Chikage leaves, but that very night Tachibana has another nightmare.

(Tachibana: Damn, I keep having this dream that I’m trapped in a world where I run a HARD GAY bakery!)

The next day (or whenever), Eiji and Ono are in the kitchen.

Eiji: Hey, I was thinking it was about time for me to go to France to improve my skills. My French teacher is going back for a couple of weeks, so I can go with her.

Ono: Go with a woman? I don’t think that’s such a great idea.

Eiji: Oh, but her father runs a bakery.

(Ono: Hmm, Eiji could learn much at the skilled hands of another man like myself).

Ono: On second thought, you must go at once! Godspeed!

In the very next scene, Eiji is leaving for France.

Ono: I just hope I can make it through these weeks without Eiji. Chikage, when you get your new place you must invite me over at once!

Chikage: Of course! It will be near the shop, so we can always nip home at lunch break.

With Eiki gone and Chikage moving, the shop seems very empty.

Ono: Man, I could use some HARD GAY right now. Without Eiji around, it’s hard to get motivated to use my hands in the kitchen.

Tachibana: Well, I’m not about to let you sleep with me- but rest assured that we will be main characters together forever!

Although he has sold his house, the Original Kidnapper decides to buy one more cake from Antique. He chooses a large strawberry cake.

(Tachibana: Thank god for that- I felt uneasy with all those strawberries in the shop.)

As the Original Kidnapper walks very slowly away from the bakery, Tachibana has plenty of time to fall into a Flashback Mode about how the kidnapper let him go after the stabbing.

(Tachibana: I feel at peace now- the kidnapper let me go, and he probably didn’t rape me after all! I’ve been fearing HARD GAY for nothing!)

And so, life goes on. Was anything really achieved? Probably not. But for now, this is-

THE END.

Tachibana finds himself trapped in yet another Flashback Mode about his kidnapping.

Young Tachibana: Mother, it was awful! And the worst thing wasn’t being taken from my family and forced to live with a strange man- it was eating cakes with strawberries on top!

Back in the present, the two cops plan a stakeout at Antique.

Old Detective: I know it’s the penultimate episode, but I’d like to announce that we habe names! I am now Udagawa, and this young guy is Yoshioka.

Tachibana: Hey Ono, now that these guys have name, do you fancy them?

Ono: I’ll never be that desperate.

As the police plan the details of the stakeout, Udagawa tries coming onto Chikage,

Udagawa: Hey young man, you look rather fit and strong. Do you wear those sunglasses to attract all the boys, er, I mean women?

Chikage: Er, no, it’s just that I’m a little short-sighted- and despite wearing these sunglasses, it seems to be getting worse.

Udagawa: Have you considered getting prescription lenses?

Chikage: Hmm, I hadn’t thought of that- I thought you could just wear any pair of glasses and it would automatically correct your vision.

Finally all the police cameras are set up and it is time for Antique to open.

Yoshioka: Perverted stalking mode- on!

After a whole day of viewing, nothing seems to have happened.

Yoshioka: So, Udagawa, seen any decent men today?

Udagawa: A few, but I haven’t seen any obviously suspicious looking kidnappers coming in.

Tachibana brings up dinner.

Yoshioka: We’d better step up the investigations a notch- Tachibana, have you seen any suspicious customers?

Tachibana: Surprisingly enough, no.

Yoshioka: Are you sure? No men who looked like they might be kidnappers?

Udagawa: Wait- I think I see some suspicious people coming in now!

Everyone takes a look.

Tachibana: No, they’re just random distraction characters. You know, I’m pretty sure kidnappers aren’t all that obvious to spot.

Udagawa: But this is the way the police have always proceeded! We have no other leads!

The day comes to an end, and apart from Chikage searching for a customer’s lost contact on the floor, little of note happens.

(Tachibana: Come on, plot development- we don’t have much time left!)

Tachibana falls into a Flashback Mode about high school.

Friend #1: I don’t know what it is about Ono, but he makes my heart beat a little faster!

Friend #2: I’m not even HARD GAY, but I’d pick him over an ugly girl any day!

Tachibana: Shut up! HARD GAY is evil! Flashback Mode squared!

Tachibana has a Flashback Mode within a Flashback Mode about how his kidnapper hugged him and called him a cute boy.

Ironically, back in the present, a suspicious woman comes by.

Tachibana: We’re actually closed, but as you’re probably important to the plot, please come and buy some cakes.

Woman: Oh, thank you.

Udagawa: Hmm, nothing suspicious here.

The woman seems a bit nervous and weak.

Tachibana: Are you okay? Would you like a rest, or maybe a lift home?

Woman: Oh no, you might find the kidnapped boy- er, I mean, everything’s fine.

Tachibana: Please- I insist.

In the end, Tachibana gets his way and gives the woman a lift. As she enters her suspiciously darkened house, a scream can be heard.

Tachibana: Is that your child?

Woman: Er, yes- he must just be playing a game or something.

The woman rushes into the house and tries to slam the door, but Tachibana holds it open.

(Tachibana: Something seems amiss here- if only I could put my finger on it.)

Tachibana enters the house.

Woman: No, don’t come in! Stop! Listen to my ineffectual pleas!

Driven on by Flashback Modes about being forced to eat strawberries and possibly have HARD GAY with his captor, Tachibana starts searching the house. He finally reaches the Door of Fate.

Tachibana: Open the door! The series is almost over and we must resolve this!

The door opens and the latest abducted boy runs out. Shortly after, the kidnapper emerges, but it is just a young man.

Tachibana: You’re not the real kidnapper! Zetsubou shita!

Tachibana: I don’t want any more strawberries!

Kidnapper: Wait! Would raspberries have been better?

In the present, Ono presents a new cake.

Eiji: Delicious! A perfect combination of mousse and fruit!

Ono: Er, yes, ‘mousse’…

Tachibana: Anyway, Eiji, I’ve decided that you’ve levelled up enough to have two cake recipes on sale.

Eiji: As expected for a main character- I’m unstoppable!

Tachibana: Watch it, boy- I’m more important to the plot than you are.

As business hours begin, Tachibana and Chikage begin serving customers. A particularly beautiful young woman comes by.

Tachibana: Well, hello there- and what can I do for you?

Woman: Actually, I’m Ono’s sister Nagako.

Tachibana: Ono has female relatives!?

Tachibana goes into the kitchen to tell Ono.

Ono: Oh yes, I do have a sister, don’t I? I haven’t seen her in ten years- ever since I developed my phobia of women. Actually, I have some family issues- you see, I caught my mother sleeping with my teacher!

Tachibana: That’s awful!

Ono: I know- he was my first crush!

Ono goes out to see Nagako.

Nagako: It’s been a while, I know, but when I heard you were starring in an anime, I decided to get in on the act. Plus I’m also getting married, and I’d like to invite you.

Ono: Erm, I don’t think I’m ready for such a celebration of STRAIGHT.

Nagako: If it’s STRAIGHT you’re talking about, then you should know that our father had many affairs.

Ono: Well, so did Mum, erm, I mean- I’ll think about it.

Ono goes back to the bakery.

Tachibana: So, what do you think of my chances with your sister?

Ono: None- she’s getting married.

Tachibana: Zetsubou shita! Am I to be stuck in this world of HARD GAY forever?

Elsewhere, Mr Important to the Plot is trapped in a delusion that his son is still alive. His long suffering partner (who regularly buys cakes from Antique) decides she has had enough.

Man: Here you go, son, a lovely cake for you!

(Woman: Hmm, he’s really losing it.)

Woman: Look, it’s time to face facts- there’s nothing there! Your son would be grown up if he was alive, but he isn’t! He died over twenty years ago!

Man: Shut up, bitch!

Plot Man gets out a knife, but can’t go through with that.

Man: It’s that time of the month again- time to go kidnap another boy and force feed him with cake.

The next morning, Tachibana awakens from another nightmare to breakfast with Chikage.

Tachibana: Hmm, two men sitting down to breakfast together- it’s all so depressingly HARD GAY.

Chikage: Maybe we should get a civil partnership.

Tachibana: Never!

They are interrupted by news of another kidnapping.

Tachibana: I hope this is all resolved by episode twelve.

At the police station, real progress is being made with the kidnapping case.

Young Cop: Well, we’ve had a good think about it, and we’ve come to the conclusion that all these children are being kidnapped and murdered by the same person!

Old Detective: In that case, it’s most definitely related to the kidnapping of Tachibana twenty years ago!

Inspector: What’s even stranger is that all of the children had stomachs full of cake!

Old Detective: Yes, this is exactly like the Tachibana case! What a coincidence!

The Old Detective decides to talk to the region’s leading cake ingredients expert, Akutagawa.

Expert: Hmm, rhubarb, raspberry mousse and an almond base- this can only be the famous Antique Bakery!

The police visit Antique.

Old Detective: Tachibana-san, we’ve already brought your cake in for investigation, but unfortunately it wouldn’t answer any of our questions. We’re hoping you can be more helpful.

Tachibana: Yes, this is just what I’ve been waiting for! This is why I started the shop in the first place!

(Tachibana: They must never guess my true purpose- to overcome my lifelong fear of strawberries!)

Old Detective: Akutagawa, you were right when you said we should probe any suspicious people!

Akutagawa: Well, actually I was just talking about my hobby, but yes- and this time, I’m experienced enough not to need the manual!

To be continued…

Tachibana: Who would have thought such plain cake would sell this well? All those cooking shows about fine dining have lied to me!

Ono: Well, it’s just like my body- once people get a taste of it, they keep coming back for more.

Whilst Eiji makes more cakes, Tachibana and Ono discuss his future.

Tachibana: So, what do you think? Is he going to become a worthy patissier?

Ono: Well, um…

(Ono: I can’t risk my kitchen lover being fired! Quick, make something up!)

Ono:…er, yes- one day he’ll be even better than me in the bedroom, er, I mean kitchen.

Tachibana: What!? Well, if it’s true, don’t tell him- it’ll ruin the character dynamics even more than the revelation that Chikage has a daughter!

Ono: Okay, but is it okay if we start him on proper training? Long hours in the kitchen, getting all hot and sweaty, ripping off our whites to reveal the glistening muscles beneath- I can’t wait!

As part of his training, Eiji is told that he has to go to evening classes to learn French.

Eiji: French? But what does that have to do with baking cakes?

Ono: French is the language of love- I like my lovers to whisper sweet nothings in it when we spend the night together. Besides, it will help you out when you go to France to learn HARD GAY from the masters.

Eiji begins taking classes, but he doesn’t seem to be learning anything.

Chikage: You can tell how much he hates studying just by looking at him from behind.

Ono: Really? I study his behind for different reasons.

Tachibana begins to despair of the money he is spending.

Tachibana: This is pointless! I’m spending all this money and we haven’t even had a training montage yet!

Ono: Don’t worry- if these French classes can’t turn Eiji HARD GAY, nothing can!

After seeing another kidnapping case on the news, Tachibana goes out to buy beer and angst. He happens to see Eiji confronting a random thug.

Thug: Hey, I’ll beat up random old guys if I like!

Eiji: Enough with your attitude- don’t you know I’m a main character?

Thug: What?

The thug runs away.

The next day, Eiji is at class when someone comes in and orders an artery-hardening twenty choux pastries. Chikage rushes into the kitchen to report.

Chikage: Emergency, Ono- we’re almost out of choux pastry!

Ono: Assemble the Baking Rangers at once! Oh, wait, Eiji isn’t here. Well, I’m busy making Michelin-starred desserts, so it will have to wait.

Tachibana comes in.

Tachibana: Ono, this isn’t another of those Celebrity Masterchef challenges- we have customers!

Ono: If you want cakes made, do it yourself! No, actually, that’s not a bad idea…

Before he knows it, Tachibana is making choux pastry.

Tachibana: If I’d realised I could do this myself, I never would have hired a chef.

Eiji gets back and has a crisis of confidence after seeing Tachibana cook with ease. The next day, he tries to make himself indispensable by cooking dozens of cakes, but manages to burn his hand.

Eiji: Aagh- my Hyper Self Pleasure hand!

Ono: Here, let me give you Pleasure for today.

Eiji: No, I’ll do it myself!

Eiji spends the day baking before going to French class. On his way home, he is confronted by the thug and his friends.

Thug: Let’s see how main character power fares against this!

Eiji: You’re nothing to me! Low budget animation static attacks!

Eiji dispatches the thugs just as Ono turns up. They both go to a church.

Ono: You know, if you really don’t like learning French, we can just have HARD GAY in Japanese.

Eiji: No- I really do want to please you! It’s just- well, if you’re sending me to France, does that mean you don’t need me anymore?

Ono: Of course not!

Eiji: But- I have insecurity issues! I want to be needed, wanted, loved! I want to be the only man you look at!

Ono: Eiji, don’t be silly, no one man can satisfy my appetites- but that being said, you are a very talented lover, my precious Eiji. Just promise me you won’t get into fights and damage your beautiful face!

Eiji: Anything, Master!

To be continued…

The episode begins in the home of a female writer as she types up a story; for comedy’s sake, we shall pretend she is a food critic.

(Woman: The meal was absolutely awful. The potatoes were undercooked; I’ve cracked my teeth on softer rocks! And as for the dessert, well, to even call such a lacklustre and watery mixture a dessert is an insult to chefs everywhere.)

Her daughter comes in.

Daughter: Mum, I’m hungry.

Woman: Then go and eat something! Don’t bother me with such trivialities! You know where the fridge, supermarket and ATM machine are, don’t you?

Daughter: But Mum, I want to spend time with you! You never do anything with me anymore!

Woman: Shut up- there are restaurants to be reviewed, you know! If you need money, then go and become a prostitute or something- don’t come crying to me about it.

Back at Antique, Eiji has turned out a rather plain-looking cake.

Tachibana: This is far too dull! We want sexy, Michelin star type food!

Ono: Let’s at least taste it first.

Everyone takes a slice of cake.

Tachibana: Actually, this isn’t too bad!

Ono: We must make this one of our products immediately! Of course, we’ll have to level it up a bit first- you might have the raw potential, but you’re not ready to upstage me yet.

The girl from earlier enters.

Girl: Chi-chan!

Chikage: Deko-chan!

(Ono: A woman! And she’s already friends with Chikage!)

Deko: Can I stay at your place tonight?

(Ono: NOOOOO!!!!)

Tachibana: Hey Deko-chan, long time no see.

Tachibana begins teasing Deko.

(Ono: Not Tachibana as well!? What’s going on here?)

Ono: Let me get this straight- this girl’s just a relative, isn’t she? There’s nothing else going on, is there?

(Ono: My heart rate is rising- being this close to a woman can’t be good for me!)

There’s worse to come as Deko hugs Chikage.

Deko: Chi-chan, it’s awful! My mother hit me- I’m sure she hates me!

Chikage: Even though an outside observer may say that your mother is neglectful and unnecessarily cruel to you, I can assure you that it’s all your fault. You’re the one who needs to be strong in this situation- support your cold bitch of a mother, and everything will be fine.

Chikage thinks back to a night when he comforted Tachibana.

Tachibana: Chikage, don’t tell anyone about my secret HARD GAY leanings!

ChikageL I won’t tell, so stick it in without fear.

Back in the present, a bombshell is about to be dropped as Deko’s mother, Sakurako, arrives.

Sakurako: There you are, you stupid girl! Here I was thinking you’d gone out to be a prostitute and instead you’re just hanging around in some HARD GAY bakery!

Chikage: Leave her alone!

Sakurako: Why, are you ready to step up to the plate and be a father?

Eiji: Father?

Ono: FATHER!? Zetsubou shita! This world where Chikage has partaken in heterosexual relations has left me in despair!

Sakurako: Well, the life of an author and food critic is hard, and when I wanted a child I decided to have it with the first guy I met, who happened to be Chikage. I thought if I could marry his looks and my brains, I’d make the perfect child, but she doesn’t take after me at all! Plus she’s a typical anime girl, so she looks like a high schooler even though she isn’t even thirteen!

(Ono: This sounds like a story for the Jeremy Kyle show!)

Eiji: This is just getting more and more bizarre- who could have foreseen this plot development?

Sakurako: Oh, and by the way, I’m not a completely cold-hearted bitch- I’m actually secretly ill and thus a figure of pathos rather than hatred.

Tachibana: Yeah, yeah, they all say that- just get some exercise and you’ll get better.

Sakurako: Why exercise when I can smoke?

Sakurako lights up another cigarette.

Chikage: Forget all that- let’s all be friends and share a lovely slice of cake.

Deko eats some of the cake, which somehow mends all the family tensions.

Sakurako: All right, time to go home!

Deko: Yay, home!

Tachibana: Hey, you might want to think about buying Deko a bra- she needs some support.

Sakurako: Meh, who cares- I’ll just wait until she’s stopped growing and buy her something then.

Tachibana: If everyone thought like that, children would always be naked!

Deko: Hey, don’t bully my chain-smoking and uncaring mother!

After Sakurako and Deko go home, everyone else goes back inside to clear up.

Eiji: Chikage a father- who would have thought it?

Tachibana: Well, you know how helpful he is- Sakurako said she wanted a child, and he couldn’t help but help out.

Chikage: I have to admit, though, that STRAIGHT felt good.

(Ono: Aagh, the thought of STRAIGHT! It burns!)

Meanwhile, Deko and Sakurako go home.

Sakurako: You know, maybe I have been a bit neglectful- I guess I could make some cake for you.

Deko: Oh, that’s okay- if you teach me how to make it, I’ll be better off. I am already in the fourth grade, you know, even if I do about seven years older than I actually am.

Meanwhile, our leads go out to dinner, only to hear about a kidnapping case on the news.

(Tachibana: This situation echoes my troubled past! Could this be some kind of foreshadowing?)

To be continued…

Despite it being August at the time of airing in the real world, Christmas has arrived in Antique world, and Ono has prepared some special cakes.

Tachibana: Is that white stuff on the cake chocolate?

Ono: Er, no…you’ll find out what that suspicious white liquid is when you taste it…

The others dig in.

Eiji: This fresh cream is great! It tastes wonderful!

Ono: Yes, er, ‘cream’…

Meanwhile, the retired officer turned detective is hanging around outside.

Detective: Screen time- has anyone got any screen time for me?

Ono: No, but I do have these cakes from my white range.

Detective: Oh, thank you.

(Ono: These cakes will sell like, well, hotcakes.)

Tachibana: Anyway, enough of that- I have an exciting announcement to make! On Christmas Eve I’m going to dress as Santa and climb down chimneys into kids’ bedrooms in order to leave them a special surprise! Or, since the broadcast standards won’t allow me to do that, just deliver them cakes with my Ferrari.

Chikage: Isn’t that a bit extreme?

Tachibana: I wouldn’t say so; of course, I’ll be expecting you to stay here and serve the customers by yourself.

Chikage: Young Master, I can’t do it without you!

Later, Tachibana is in the back trying to decide if he should shave.

Ono: You know, back in school I always thought you were cool- not the kind of guy who dresses up in a Santa suit!

Tachibana: Don’t you know that I have issues? As if it wasn’t bad enough that I was kidnapped and left with an irrational fear of strawberries, a girl once dumped me!

Tachibana proceeds to tell a Flashback Mode tale of how he was just too perfect for his girlfriend.

Ono: I knew women were nothing but trouble.

Chikage enters.

Chikage: Help, there’s a female customer outside! I don’t know what to do!

Tachibana heads out to handle it.

Woman: For Christmas, I’d like a massive cake made out of choux a la crème.

(Tachibana: I hope Ono can manage to produce that much of his special cream…)

Tachibana: Uh, we’ll see what we can do.

Begin Masterchef challenge!

Today’s Christmas challenge will see each contestant try to raise their game in a different area. Whilst Tachibana must learn how to decorate the perfect cake, Chikage will be out front serving, and the other two will be improving their baking techniques.

Tachibana: Caramel flick- aagh, it burns!

Tachibana’s early attempts with caramel are not going well. Meanwhile, Chikage has swiftly got the hang of handling four plates.

Tachibana: Ah, it must be because of your big hands- and when a man’s hands are big, you know what that says about his Liang.

(Ono: Great news!)

Chikage: What do I do now? Which plate do I put down first?

Meanwhile, out in the back.

Ono: Okay, it’s time for you to try to make your own cream, Eiji. I’ll just stand and watch.

Eiji: Uh, okay…

(Eiji: This is embarrassing.)

One week later, and everyone is ready to be put to the test. Tachibana is dressed in his Santa suit.

Tachibana: It’s Ferrari time! How do I look?

Ono: Like Jack Skellington when he dressed up as Santa in The Nightmare Before Christmas.

Tachibana: Pfft- just you wait!

Unfortunately, at the first house he delivers to, Tachibana’s get up makes the baby cry.

Mother: He must think you’re the Boogie Man.

Tachibana: What’s up with these gratuitous Nightmare Before Christmas references?

Elsewhere, Tachibana is met with ridicule and scepticism.

Old Man: You know, Santa is really meant to be a jolly fat man- what kid is going to believe in him after you’ve been?

Back at Antique, Eiji is finally having success with the white cream.

Ono: I know it’s hard to get it right at first, but once you relax you’ll find it comes out easily.

Eiji: I never knew it could be used in this way!

Meanwhile, Tachibana finally visits a house that likes his costume- if only because everyone there is drunk.

Man: Wow, it’s the new politically correct Santa- he’s no longer morbidly obese and in danger of dying from heart failure!

Now the time has come for Tachibana to decorate the cake, which for some reason looks like a lot of takoyaki piled high.

Man: Tell me, what are you doing here?

Tachibana: I’m making a caramel topping for the cake.

Man: Okay- you have five minutes to plate up!

Tachibana manages to coat the cake in caramel, creating a mini-Christmas tree effect (albeit an unattractive brown tree).

Masterchef challenge complete!

Back at Antique, the cakes have sold out.

Tachibana: Well done, Chikage- you might actually get through to the next round of HARD GAY Masterchef!

Chikage: Well, actually, Eiji did most of my work for me…I’m just not good at anything other than HARD GAY and calling out “Young Master!” periodically.

Tachibana goes out to the locker room to reminisce about his past.

Tachibana: You know, my kidnapper never asked for money- he either wanted to rape me or feed me cake. Either way, I’ve never been able to look at a strawberry since then without wanting to throw up.

Eiji: Well, cheer up, it’s Christmas.

Ono shows up.

Ono: I don’t know if this is a good time, but I’ve somehow had time to make some savoury dishes I think you should try! If we start selling them in the New Year, it will make this place less cloyingly sweet.

Tachibana samples them.

Tachibana: This is delicious! And I even feel strangely aroused!

Ono: Ah, that’ll be the ‘white sauce’.

To be continued…

Through the magic of television, we’ve jumped ahead to several months after Antique’s opening. Everything is perfect, and everyone is happy.

THE END.

Or not, because a new HARD GAY man is in town, and he’s packing red roses! He enters Antique, and one can almost hear the strains of Bach’s Toccata.

Man: Bonjour, je suis HARD GAY.

Tachibana: Oh, for goodness sake; Ono is working right now- he’ll service you later.

Ono emerges from the kitchen.

Ono: Ah, it’s my old teacher Jean Baptiste! He’s French, you know.

Jean Baptiste experiences a RAGING HARD-ON just from seeing Ono’s face.

Jean: All right, down to business- show me your Liang, er, I mean cakes. The Liang will come later.

Ono prepares some cakes for Jean Baptiste.

Jean: Hmm, not bad- I’ll give you 7/10 for the cakes, and 10/10 for HARD GAY.

Tachibana: What the hell is this guy doing here?

Jean: Hmm, is this your new lover, Yusuke? He’s not much of a catch.

Tachibana: Shut up! I’m not even HARD GAY!

Later, Ono is just about to go into his apartment when Jean Baptiste accosts him with a kiss.

Jean: Now, let’s see how you’ve progressed in the bedroom. Fancy letting me inside- in every sense of the word?

As they go indoors, Ono is sucked into a Flashback Mode about his days under Jean.

Jean: I have to warn you, I’m a passionate man- I may get a bit rough in the bedroom.

Ono: Yes, master.

Jean: No, not like that- like this! Here, use your hands to warm me up and then take me from behind!

Ono: Yes, master.

Jean: Yusuke, I may treat you harshly, but that’s only because I love you- you do know that, right?

Back in the present, and the couple are already in bed.

(Ono: Aagh, he took advantage of my Flashback Mode to have his way with me! I wasn’t even paying attention to how good it was!)

The next day, Ono and Eiji are in the kitchen.

Eiji: So, this guy is another ex-lover, eh?

Ono: Well, it would be more appropriate to call him a teacher- he taught me everything I know about Western style HARD GAY.

Eiji: So, how did you break up?

Ono: I, uh, got him pregnant- and then he lost the baby.

Eiji: Well if that’s the case, what’s he doing here?

Ono: Could you stop being so obvious about advancing the plot with your questions?

Ono slips into another Flashback Mode, this time about the previous night.

Jean: Ono, I need you to work under me once again- as my most trusted rent boy, you’d earn three times more than what that Tachibana’s paying you!

Back in the present, Ono wonders whether to hand in his resignation.

Ono: I know I’d have to forfeit my role as a main character, but I don’t know if I can pass up the opportunity for a massive pay rise and the best HARD GAY of my life!

Eiji: You can’t go! Narrative convention won’t let it happen- will it?

Tachibana: Oh, let him do what he wants.

(Tachibana: This is bad! I wonder if I can go on Dragons’ Den to ask for more money.)

After work, Tachibana takes Ono out for coffee.

Tachibana: All right, all right- you got me! I’ll turn HARD GAY if it means you won’t leave.

Ono: Actually, I wasn’t really going to leave- I won’t get any screen time in Paris! And now that Chikage’s on the scene, I don’t even fancy you that much.

Tachibana: You what!? Er, I mean, that sure is a relief.

Ono: Of course, Jean will probably get rough if I refuse, but I’ve never been a man to play it safe in the bedroom.

The next day, Ono is suspiciously late for work.

(Tachibana: Oh no- what if he was killed in a crime of passion?)

Tachibana: I’d better go and check on him.

Chikage: I’m coming too- I’ve had barely anything to do this episode!

At his apartment, Ono lies bruised and beaten on the floor whilst Jean sits in the corner. Finally, Ono awakens and gets dressed.

Jean: Why won’t you think it over? A pay rise, a permanent lover, regular beatings- what more could you want?

Ono: Screentime?

Jean: But everyone’s laughing at this series for being so HARD GAY! You’ll be taken seriously in France- they don’t call it Gay Paris for nothing!

Ono: I’m sorry.

Jean grabs Ono’s hand.

Jean: Well, if I can’t have you, no one can! Let’s see how well you cook once I break all your fingers!

Jean grips Ono’s right hand, but fortunately Chikage and Tachibana enter through the conveniently unlocked door.

Chikage: Get away from my Ono!

Ono: No, don’t hurt Jean!

Tachibana: We’ve magically talked this over off screen- Jean realised his place as a minor character and is no threat now.

Jean magically disappears.

Tachibana: Well, I’m off now- you two can have quick HARD GAY but then I want to see you back at work.

Chikage: Ono, are you all right?

Ono: I’m used to being beaten- I’m sure it was my fault anyway.

(Chikage: This is a textbook case of domestic violence! I must break Ono out of this vicious circle!)

Ono finally shows up at work.

Eiji: How dare he hurt Ono like this? I’ll put him in his place!

Ono: Eiji, you should eat Jean’s cakes- once you see how delicious they are, you’ll forgive him his violent outbursts.

Ono thinks back to Jean’s earlier unseen departure.

Ono: I admit that I only work as a patissier to make money for HARD GAY, but I finally have an apprentice who cares about cakes. I must teach him all I know in preparation for the spin-off series “Antique Bakery II: Full Throttle”.

Back in the present.

Ono: Anyway, enough of that- time to think up a winter menu!

Tachibana: And as an incentive, here’s your paycheque!

Eiji: Oh, I don’t need mine- just give it to Ono.

Tachibana: Why, are you rich or something?

Eiji: No- I’ve already given my life savings away. I don’t understand why people say you need money to live; it’s not like you can eat or drink it.

Ono: Anyway, moving on…I’d just like to say that I was really scared when I thought Jean was going to destroy my right hand- I thought I’d never be able to have Hyper Self Pleasure again!

Tachibana: Never mind that- I see you’ve become more comfortable around women lately. I’ll STRAIGHTen you out before you know it!

To be continued…

Boxer: I want Eiji-san’s body!

Boxer #2: It’s no good- I can’t take it anymore!

The coach enters.

Coach: What’s going on here?

Boxer: Ever since Eiji-san started working at that bakery, his HARD GAY levels have increased! It’s driving us wild with lust for him!

Later that day, Eiji decides to move out.

Coach: You know, Eiji, you don’t have to leave.

(Coach: If he goes, then so does my screentime!)

Eiji: No, I really feel that I should- I don’t know why, but I keep having nightmares about get raped.

At the bakery, Tachibana has good news.

Tachibana: Hey everyone, we’re going to be on TV!

Eiji: Aren’t we already on TV?

Tachibana: Not like that! We’re going to be featured on Housewife’s Pride for being the gayest bakery in Japan- no, the world! And what’s more, there are two female announcers coming round, which will crush all the rumours of my being a part of that HARD GAY!

Soon after, two women from Odaiba TV visit the bakery.

(Tachibana: Ah, how refreshing it is to see the female form.)

(Ono: Oh my god, they have something on their chests! I can’t take this!)

After they sample the cakes, the women leave.

Ono: Aagh, that was such an ordeal! I just can’t handle women; knowing that down there they don’t even have so much as an Ezo really stresses me out.

Tachibana: Get with it, Ono- women make up half the population.

The next day, the four main characters meet up to check out the department store where they will be selling cakes.

Tachibana: Okay, as the most important characters, Ono and I will be on the department store team. Chikage and Eiji, you’ll be in the background at the main bakery.

Ono: But- there are women at department stores!

Tachibana: Well, who knows, maybe you’ll turn STRAIGHT. I know I’m looking forward to getting out of this HARD GAY atmosphere!

Unfortunately, as they search for their booth at the store, they are confronted by men from other bakeries.

Nakai: Damn you, Ono! Your HARD GAY powers wrecked my career!

Tachibana: Oh, get real- this series is becoming more ridiculous all the time!

Ono: More importantly, this kitchen is on show- I can’t make delicious pastries if women are watching!

Tachibana: Just leave the ladies to me.

As it turns out, however, Tachibana gets a stye in his eye and can’t work.

Chikage: I could be on the department store team- although I’m low-level and might not be up to the task of handling so many ladies.

(Ono: Great- just great).

Celebrity Masterchef challenge- start! Today on Masterchef, our two teams have to make delicious cakes for their customers. First up are Eiji and Tachibana.

Eiji: It’s no good- the mousse is separating!

It’s a disastrous start for Eiji, whose lack of actual cooking experience is beginning to show through. He’ll have to start again- but with only minutes left, will he make the deadline?

Meanwhile, at the department store, Ono is facing a different challenge- he may be a skilled patissier, but will the presence of female customers throw him off his stride?

Ono: There’s too many X chromosomes around here! I can’t take it!

Chikage: You think you’ve got problems- I’ve got to take off my sunglasses!

Chikage removes his sunglasses, letting the HARD GAY power flood out.

Ono: HARD GAY levels returning to normal- I think I can work now!

Ono manages to make his way through a crowd of women.

Ono: Excuse me, but can I have an earring? I think I need Otome powers to get through this.

Back at Antique, Eiji is still having problems.

Tachibana: It’s not good- we’ll have to go without the cassis.

Eiji: If we do that, we’ll get marked down and the department store team will win! I’m not going to give up my chance to become Celebrity Masterchef!

Meanwhile, Ono gets a silver stud from somewhere.

Ono: Activate Otome GEM! Generic Silver Stud!

With the Otome powers, cooking for women becomes easy.

Chikage: Ono, I can do it! I can talk to women!

Eiji has also magically managed to complete his challenge. Both teams have done well in this round of Celebrity Masterchef, but who will take the title?

Celebrity Masterchef challenge- complete!

Eiji: Hey, Tachibana, did you start this cake shop in order to catch your kidnapper?

Tachibana: Of course not- what a ridiculous reason to start a cake shop! You might as well say that I was doing this to overcome a fear of strawberries!

Meanwhile, Nakai apologises to Ono.

Nakai: I realise it’s stupid falling out with a main character- and besides, you’re just too sexy to hate for long.

At the end of the day, Ono faints into Chikage’s arms.

Ono: The presence of women has drained my HARD GAY energy- please replenish me, Chikage.

Chikage: Of course.

Later that evening, everyone is back at Antique when Eiji’s coach shows up.

Eiji: Coach, what are you doing here?

Coach: I’ve figured out a way to get my screentime back! I’ll just come here for cakes!

Eiji: But you hate cakes.

Coach: I’d even eat dirt if it meant I could get screentime!

Coach eats a cake and weeps tears of joy.

Coach: Eiji, since you can cook like this, you can live with me forever!

Eiji: Coach, I’ll always be your lover, but I need to mature and try different types of HARD GAY before I return.

Tachibana: Hey Eiji, since you’ve moved out of the dorm, I’ll let you live upstairs.

(Ono: And he says he isn’t HARD GAY?)

To be continued…

Outside the bakery, Chigake thinks about Ono and gets a RAGING HARD-ON.

(Chikage: Ono, take me in your arms and let me the rich chocolate sauce to your creamy profiterole!)

At closing time, Tachibana calls Chikage in.

Chikage: What is it, young master?

Tachibana: Well, you know, it’s getting pretty late and I’m closing up shop soon…

Chikage: Are you propositioning me?

(Chikage: What to do, what to do- should I pick Ono or Tachibana?)

Tachibana: No, I just want to know if you plan on stalking me forever!

(Chikage: No, don’t send me away!)

(Ono: No, don’t send him away!)

Tachibana: In fact, why not come and work here? You’re in the OP anyway, so you can be my errand boy.

Chikage: Did you say whipping boy? I accept!

Tachibana: Hmm, your hand feels a bit warm. Have you been…?

Chikage: Having Hyper Self Pleasure over Ono? Of course not!

Tachibana: Okay then- you two, starting tomorrow, stick this guy in the corner of the kitchen.

(Ono: Stick it in? With Pleasure!)

Eiji: Isn’t he a bit big to go in the corner?

(Ono: He’s Zhuge? Even better!)

Tachibana: Please go easy on him.

(Ono: Okay, I won’t wear him out just yet.)

That night, Ono takes Chikage to the infamous gay bar of episode one.

Ono: Now listen up, officially this guy is STRAIGHT- and as far I’m concerned, that means I’m the only one who gets to turn him. Chikage, would you mind taking off your sunglasses?

Chikage: I, er, I can’t…

(Chikage: He mustn’t know that it’s only these sunglasses that suppress my inner HARD GAY!)

Ono: Oh, come on.

Ono takes off Chikage’s sunglasses. The HARD GAY levels in the bar increase a hundredfold.

(Barkeep: Damn, that’s one guy I wouldn’t mind for myself!)

Meanwhile, Tachibana has another nightmare Flashback Mode about the terrible night of the strawberries. His child self raises a knife to stab the evil strawberry, before he wakes up sweating.

(Tachibana: This phobia is getting worse! Soon I won’t even be able to look at a strawberry!)

Meanwhile, Ono is continuing to drool over Chikage.

Chikage: Ono, I really would like to spend the night with you-

(Ono: Jackpot!)

Chikage: -but the young master will need me to comfort him during the night. You understand, don’t you?

(Ono: NOOOOO!!!)

Ono: Well, in that case, if you wouldn’t mind just dropping me off at a hotel on the way…

Chikage takes Ono to a hotel room, where Ono immediately tries to seduce him.

(Ono: I must have this man!)

Chikage: I- I’m sorry! I can’t betray the young master! Farewell!

Chikage runs off.

Ono: Oh cruel fate, why must you mock me? Why do the two men I want most seem so committed to each other?

Chikage runs into Tachibana’s apartment.

Chikage: Young Master, forgive me! I’m ready for HARD GAY now!

Tachibana: Didn’t I tell you I hate HARD GAY?

The next day, everyone is back at work when a young man, Yacchan, arrives.

Yacchan: Yu-chan, is it true that you’ve been sleeping with other men?

Ono: Of course it is- I mean, I’m a main character and you’re just some random gay.

Yacchan: They say he was tall and handsome, just like this guy right here! Aagh, I knew it!

Ono: Oh, him- no, there’s nothing between me and Chikage.

(Ono: I must lie so that Tachibana doesn’t suspect a thing.)

(Chikage: Nothing between us? Is that how you think of me, Ono?)

Chikage starts crying and runs off.

Tachibana: Ono, how could you break Chikage’s heart like that? Go and apologise to him at once! He’ll be at my apartment, of course.

(Ono: This is bad- but at least Tachibana is becoming more receptive to the high levels of HARD GAY around here.)

Ono goes to visit Chikage at Tachibana’s apartment.

Ono: Wow, this is really close to the bakery- I never realised how easy it would be to have an affair.

Chikage: You didn’t mean it when you said there was nothing between us, did you? I thought we were destined to be together!

Ono: Chikage, I’m so sorry- of course I want HARD GAY with you! It’s just that I kind of picked you up on the rebound, and I want our relationship to be more than that!

Chikage: Ono!

Ono: Chikage!

They embrace.

Later, Chikage dresses in a waiter’s uniform.

Tachibana: I can’t leave Chikage in the kitchen with you, Ono- who knows what might happen? Instead, he’ll be serving cakes out front with me.

(Ono: Maybe it’s for the best- if we work too closely I’m bound to end up sleeping with Chikage instead of baking cakes.)

As customers start arriving, one of them turns out to be the detective who rescued young Tachibana from his kidnapper.

Detective: I’m so sorry- it’s all my fault that you ended up with a lifelong fear of strawberries!

Tachibana: It’s okay- I’ve learned to live with it. And since this cake shop reminds me of being forced to eat strawberry cake by my kidnapper, maybe it will help me work through my issues.

To be continued…

The day of the grand opening has finally arrived.

Tachibana: Antique- open for business!

Ono: Sweet cakes and HARD GAY for all!

Eiji: Why’s it called ‘Antique’ anyway?

Unfortunately, the rain ensures a lack of customers- at least until one woman shows up.

Ono: All right, STRAIGHT boy, show me how you deal with women.

Tachibana: Why of course. Madam, is there anything you would like?

Tachibana turns up the STRAIGHT charm.

(Ono: Hmm, he’s rather skilled after all- turning him will require extra effort.)

As the customers start to flow in, Tachibana uses his STRAIGHT skills to wow the ladies, and even ends up selling twenty cakes to a male customer.

(Ono: Ah-ha, HARD GAY is creeping in even when you don’t notice!)

A car stops at the bakery and a sunglasses-wearing man gets out.

Tachibana: Oh no- this guy’s been after my body for ages!

Tachibana tries to hide under the table.

Man: Scanning…target detected.

The man finds Tachibana.

Man: Master, I live to serve.

Eiji: Who is this?

Tachibana: Ah, well- I’m actually the son of a rich family, and this man is my-

Man: I am your everything, Master!

Tachibana: No! He’s Kobayakawa Chikage- a houseboy at my parents’ place.

Chikage: How cruel- I thought we were much more than that!

Tachibana: Shut up! I was hoping that I could get away from you!

Chikage: Very well, then- I’ll content myself with stalking you from afar.

Chikage leaves.

Ono: Ah, so you were HARD GAY after all! And all this time I thought you were STRAIGHT!

Tachibana: I’m not HARD GAY! My relationship with Chikage is strictly platonic! His mother died and his father probably disappeared before that, so we’re his only family.

Ono: Well, they do say that the incidence of childhood friends becoming lovers is exceedingly high.

(Ono: I must exploit this chink in Tachibana’s armour! He’ll join the HARD GAY side yet!)

Tachibana: Well, I guess now that he’s found me we’ll have to start living together again- it’s not like I want to, but it’s unavoidable.

(Ono: Living together!? Forget about turning Tachibana, this guy could be a real rival!)

Chikage continues to wait outside in the rain.

Ono: Eiji, come out back and help me ‘pipe’ some ‘cream’.

Ono and Eiji go out to the kitchen.

Ono: Hey Eiji, would you like to do the ‘piping’ this time?

Eiji: Sure thing!

(Ono: At least this boy is well trained.)

Tachibana has a flashback to a troubled night he had as a boy, and how Chikage comforted him.

(Tachibana: No, I mustn’t fall prey to Flashback Mode! My relationship with Chikage was purely platonic! Platonic!)

Chikage: How can you keep calling what we had together platonic?

Tachibana: Aagh, where did you come from? Oh well, at least make yourself useful and buy us some lunch.

Chikage: Yes, Master!

Chikage and Eiji head off to buy lunch, but when it starts raining even harder, Tachibana decides to go after Eiji. Meanwhile, Chikage somehow manages to get his car towed away and has to return to the bakery.

Chikage: I’m sorry for causing all this trouble!

Chikage hits his head on the doorway and knocks his sunglasses off. HARD GAY energy flows out of him.

(Ono: What’s happening!? I’m falling for him! I want to resist, but my HARD GAY reflexes are taking over!)

(Chikage: What’s this overwhelming feeling of HARD GAY? I must resist- Tachibana is the only man for me!)

Ono: I, uh, I have to go!

Ono rushes out into the rain to take a cold shower.

Ono: I’m HARD GAY in the rain, just HARD GAY in the rain! What a glorious feeling, a HARD ON again!

Ono walks back to Chikage.

Ono: Chikage, I choose you!

(Chikage: But, Tachibana…no, it’s no good! I want this patissier to fill me with his exquisite cream!)

Ono: Shall we dance? I hope you know the HARD GAY two-step.

Finally, Ono realises what he is doing.

Ono: I- I’m so sorry, really, who dances in the rain these days? We should go inside, I mean to get changed, of course! Man, I’d love a nice hot bath right about now!

(Ono: Aagh, everything I say comes out HARD GAY! I’m going to scare him off!)

Chikage: I hope we can do this again sometime.

Later, Ono is drying off indoors and thinking about Chikage.

(Ono: Tachibana, I’m sorry, what have I done? I know, I’ll try the old cool act- that’ll set things right.)

But as it turns out, Chikage comes round later with flowers.

Chikage: I, er, would you like to go out to dinner with me? I thought we could go to a family restaurant.

Ono: You’re new to the whole HARD GAY dating scene, aren’t you? Anyway, what about Tachibana?

Chikage: He’s going to be late tonight- he’ll never know!

(Ono: I must resist! Tachibana is the true prize, but…)

Ono: I’ve got an idea- why don’t we skip tea and get straight down to the sex? But I have one condition- Tachibana must never know about this!

Chikage: Don’t worry- it’ll be our little secret.

To be continued…