For a long time now, I’ve wanted to rant about Fate/Stay Night, but somehow it turned into one those tasks that seemed best left until some asymptotic ‘tomorrow’. At long last, however, the time has come to turn my attention to the series and give it the shredding it deserves.

The length of time it took me to even start writing this rant perhaps says something in itself about the quality of Fate/Stay Night- where Mai-Otome, Good Witch and the rest demanded to be written about with some idea of promptness, the ending Fate simply left me so apathetic that I couldn’t bring myself to bring pen to paper (or rather, fingers to keyboard) to mention it ever again. At the back of my mind, however, I knew it had to be done, that my disappointment in the series would have be collected together into a single document, no matter how long it took, or how poorly written it might turn out.

As with its fellow trainwrecks, in the early weeks, Fate seemed to be blessed with no shortage of potential. The initial Curtain Raiser had seemed full of action scenes and intriguing personalities, and it seemed only natural to want to see their full TV series glory. And indeed, as the series began, everything seemed set to fulfil our expectations. A war between seven pairs of Masters and their summoned Servants with the Holy Grail as the prize- each one a legendary hero of a different class-what better set-up for the ultimate battle royale, an emotional and tactical extravaganza beyond anything ever seen before?

Unfortunately, such was not to be the case. Even at that stage, treacherous thoughts were beginning to invade my mind. What if the first half of the series turned out to be episode upon episode of ‘attack and retreat’ to keep everyone alive until death was switched on at around episode fourteen? What if our plucky and annoying hero, Emiya Shirou, used the powers of love, friendship and plot necessity to beat his worthier and more experienced peers? What if the whole thing turned into Shirou’s Harem Diaries? As it turned out, I was right to fear these things, and worse yet, they would be only the tip of a larger iceberg.

For indeed, as the weeks went by, more and more characters of limited depth and intermittent likeability were introduced, all destined to survive until death was activated at episode twelve. By that point, however, it was hard to care about such shallow characters suddenly turning into coloured sparkles or otherwise departing the storyline, leaving the survivors to join Shirou’s growing harem. Awful CG dragons, dull harem building, black slimy tentacles, crazed and illogical mid and final bosses- Fate had them all, and it wasn’t afraid to use them. By the end, all that could be said was this- “thank god that’s over.”

Character Summaries: the lazy efficient way to rant about the story

Shirou “I want to be Justice Man!”
I have a particular dislike of the ‘typical’ short-haired cocky lead, the sort who uses their position as main character to build harems and generally circumvent the usual rules of whatever world they live in. Unfortunately, Shirou is among the worst of the lot, an irritating character who refuses to let his servant, Saber, fight, simply because she is a woman (never mind that she is an accomplished swordmaster with years more experience than him). He is also at the centre of two of the series’ worst plot devices- the sheath of Excalibur within his body that makes him practically invincible, and his special ability to create anything he can visualise in his head. The latter is particularly ridiculous- in the fight against Berserker, for example, why imagine a sword instead of a flamethrower, immobilising block of crystal, or even just a very large anvil?

Saber “Honour, loyalty, and more honour”
As a legendary servant, and the reincarnation of Arturia (King Arthur, female edition), it’s no surprise that Saber ends up by the side of the destined main character. Predictably, Saber is the staid and loyal knight of justice who eventually falls in love with Shirou but has to return to her own time before she can settle in as first wife of his harem. At one point in the game, Shirou had to sleep with her to replenish her mana, but the anime takes a creative new route by making him destroy an incredibly ugly CG dragon inside her. Not so much a dislikeable character as a predictably dull one.

Rin “I want to be the main character”
Rin is one of the few things about Fate that can actually be said to be worthy- a cool and experienced mage with a fierce intellect (and a superior character design). Unfortunately, even Rin is far from perfect- for no discernible reason, she has a soft spot for Shirou, going so far as to use a valuable magical gem to revive him, and even summoning his heroic spirit in the form of Archer. By all rights, Rin should have been the main character, but instead she is relegated to the position of harem member.

Poor Rin, she deserved better than this.

Archer “I am the bone of my sword? Can I talk to the writers?”
Rin’s servant, Archer may be archer class, but for reasons best known to the creators, he shuns the bow in favour of a pair of swords. The white-haired reincarnation of Shirou (how could anyone count such an annoying lead as a legendary hero), Archer is forced to spend most of his time off screen in invisible mode, before sacrificing himself with a Bad Engrish final attack in order to whittle down Berserker’s life count. Oddly, he is then glimpsed in a duel with Shirou in the second OP, a duel that can never come to pass in the anime. To his credit, he tries to impart some wisdom to Shirou, but his younger self refuses to listen.

Ilya “I want to sleep with Shirou-niichan!”
The series’ obligatory loli-bait, Ilya controls the ultra-strong Berserker, but always manages to get bored or call off the battle if there is any chance of her winning and defeating a main character. Her primary aim is to become first wife in Shirou’s harem.

Berserker “…”
The hulking reincarnation of Hercules, Berserker is a convenient mid-boss with twelve lives (give or take a few inconsistencies) and nothing in the way of dialogue. His lives are whittled down via Archer’s sacrifice, Rin’s jewel magic and a convenient plot device sword created by Shirou.

Lancer “Why did the writers forget about me?”
The reincarnation of an Irish hero, Lancer must be applauded for trying to kill Shirou not once, but twice (and if not for the demands of the plot, he would have succeeded). Unfortunately, for the bulk of the series, he is forced to take an extended holiday in Ireland whilst waiting for the writers to remember his existence.

Shinji “Hahahahaha!! Does that sound unbalanced enough?”
Every series needs a psychotic yet ultimately cowardly antagonist, and Shinji fills in that role for Fate until his timely demise. He’s more of a warm up to the main event than anything important in himself.

Rider “Fancy a little S&M?”
The bondage queen reincarnation of Medusa, Rider gets to dress up in her dominatrix outfit and attack the heroes with her chain whips until finally death is switched on and she becomes the first to die.

Sakura “Shirou was mine first!”
Shinji’s sister, and Shirou’s default live-in housemaid, Sakura handles the housework so that Shirou can scout new harem members. She is later revealed to actually be Rin’s long lost sister, and even gets a turn as a bondage queen under Caster’s control, but by then, there’s little reason to care.

Kuzuki “I want to be EVIL”
A teacher at Shirou’s school with pretensions to evil, Kuzuki works with Caster (although technically, he isn’t her master). Both he and his mild backstory are entirely uninteresting.

Caster “I also want to be EVIL”
The reincarnation of Medea, Caster killed her original Master, teamed up with Kuzuki, and summoned Assassin to be a frontline attacker. Despite her superior character design, she chooses to remain hooded.

Assassin “Let’s have an action scene”
Default hired muscle for the Kuzuki/Caster faction, he is more of a samurai than an assassin, and a reincarnation of a hero who is fictional even in the Fate world.

Kirei “Let’s destroy the world- come on, it’ll be fun”
At the beginning of the series, Kirei is the arbiter of the Holy Grail War (he won the last one by default, but received no prize), and the go-to guy for exposition. Since he is a priest, however, he is naturally the evil final boss of the series, who takes pleasure in capturing Ilya and using black slimy tentacles. Master of both Gilgamesh and Lancer, his goal is nothing less than to make the world more exciting by turning it into a flaming bloodbath. Who wouldn’t want to aspire to that?

Gilgamesh “Saber is mine, Saber is mine, Saber is mine…”
The leftover Archer class servant from the last Holy Grail War, Gilgamesh has exceedingly poor fashion sense, favouring Gold Piros armour and a spiky haircut. His goal is to make Saber his woman, and to that end he too forsakes the bow for any number of swords.

The curse of being an even more minor character than Lancer: The above characters may seem underdeveloped, but they are nothing compared to such personalities as Shirou’s teacher Taiga, friend Issei, or the head of the archery club- each of whom seem to have some purpose at the start, but are forced further and further off screen.

Final Thoughts
And so, at its conclusion, did Fate leave us with anything except a bitter mixture of relief and disappointment? Not really, it seems, unless one counts the money casually spent on overpriced Rin and Saber and figures. Unfortunately, the anime itself fell far short of expectations, and so, after the “True Mai-Otome” (contrary to all evidence, I am still working on this) expect “Fate/Stay Night Remix”, aka “yet another attempt to rewrite the story”.

Afterword: 6 things that are actually good about Fate/Stay Night

1. Character designs and artwork (selected characters only)

2. Rin

3. Selected 1/8 and 1/6 figures

4. Next episode preview music

5. Shirou getting run through with a lance (why did he have to survive?)

6. First OP, “Disillusion”

That being said, I wonder if I even need a harem anymore, for Saber has devoted herself to me body and soul; I am even teaching her how to cook in order to make her into a better wife. She has even expressed gratitude at the fact that I have entered her so many times, and of course, I hope I shall have the opportunity to do so again in the future.

Entry 22
Today I must offer up a prayer to the gods that watch over main characters, for I have been spared from death and am practically healed thanks to a most convenient plot device. Apparently, the sheath of Excalibur is within my body, imbuing me with marvellous powers of recuperation.

Lancer is also out of the way; not that he was much of a threat, but the fewer men that are after my harem, the better. Now all I must do is defeat the final boss, Gilgamesh, or rather, get the girls to defeat him for me.

Entry 23
Everything has gone wrong, horribly, horribly wrong. On arriving home, I was devastated to find that Kirei had damaged my beloved Rin and taken Ilya in a horrific attempt to sabotage my lead in the harem wars. Desperate for the companionship my lesser harem members could not long provide, I took Saber aside and let her enter me to retrieve the sheath.

With our bond strengthened, Saber and I resolved to put an end to the harem wars once and for all- she would remove the threat of Gilgamesh, whilst I rescued Ilya from Kirei. With the power of the plot on our side, I was sure we could easily snatch victory from their poorly dressed clutches, but unfortunately the path has been more troublesome than I envisioned, for Kirei has the power of unholy tentacles on his side. I only hope that I survive his ravages so that I may claim victory and conclude my diaries.

Final Entry
It is with news of a bittersweet nature that I pen my final entry; I have won the harem war, but as with all things, there was a price to pay. Through the contrivance of several plot devices (many of them created simply for this episode), I managed to escape Kirei’s tentacle rape prison and defeat him, whilst Saber was likewise able to finally put an end to Gilgamesh. In order to ensure that no other man could better my harem success in future wars, we agreed to destroy the Holy Grail; unfortunately, this meant that Saber had to return to her own time, depriving me of my first wife.

Nonetheless, I must look on the bright side of things; I have ended up with a stable harem of Rin, Taiga, Sakura and Ilya, and while that is not as many women as I had hoped to acquire, it is twice as many as I had at the beginning of this. And now, I will sign off, for Ilya is growing up fast, and I must make the best of things before she gets too old to fulfil her role.

Entry 18
On second thought, Caster’s actions were not wholly deplorable; on arriving at Ryuudoji, we discovered that Sakura had been transformed into a bondage queen, a perfect replacement for Rider. Now all I need to do is finish off Kuzuki and Assassin, and Caster can be mine.

Entry 19
I had hoped not to have to write this entry, but the worst has happened- although Sakura is back with us and in recovery, Caster was lost in the ensuing battle. It also seems that we have a new force to worry about; Gilgamesh, the surviving Servant from the last war, is determined to have Saber for his own! I will fight to the death (hopefully without the whole actually dying part) in order to maintain my harem.

Entry 20
I have come to realise that Saber should be the first wife in my harem, and thankfully Rin completely agrees- she even intimated that she would enjoy a threesome with us. Unfortunately, Ilya was unwilling to accept her place as a lower ranking member, but I let Rin deal with her whilst Saber and I enjoyed our first proper date.

Unfortunately, the date ended badly- Saber still insists that fighting is proper, and fails to realise that her role should be to see to my every need. There is also the matter of the Holy Grail; having invested so much time in her, I must ensure that Saber uses it to remain in this world.

However that may turn out, we still have one more plot device to overcome before our adventure concludes- Gilgamesh. Despite our differences of opinion, neither Saber nor I want him to come between us- a man with such poor fashion sense cannot be allowed to claim victory in the harem war.

Entry 14
I should have known my dedicated harem wouldn’t leave me in Ilya’s clutches for long; as to be expected, jealousy moved them to come and save me. On the way out, Archer sacrificed himself to stall Ilya and Berserker which is doubly beneficial as it puts Rin fully under my control, and gets rid of a minor annoyance without any further action on my part.

Entry 15
With my own safety assured, I have finally been able to turn my attention to restoring Saber. I have long hoped for the chance to enter Saber and perhaps even enjoy a threesome with Rin, and finally my wish has been granted- although I did have to settle for some light foreplay and more of a spiritual ‘entrance’ than I had anticipated.

Nonetheless, thanks to my incredible powers, Saber is back on her feet, and I have begun to enact my next plan- that of removing Berserker so that Ilya can finally come over to my harem. Dearest Ilya, I know that this is what you want too.

Entry 16
At long last my dreams have come true- Ilya has willingly joined the harem, and she even seems content to sleep in my bed. I had to ensure the other girls didn’t feel threatened, but in the end they all realised that having to share me was better than having no Shirou at all. Anyway, to briefly go over the details- that presumptuous Berserker was trying to grope my dear Rin, and so Saber and I were forced to use the powers of plot convenience to create a sword and deplete him of his remaining lives.

Also of note is the fact that Saber finally seems to be making more of an effort to please me, although she does worry too much. For example, I really don’t mind about her muscular body; it just means that she has the stamina for those long nights. I have even begun having dreams about Saber’s past, a sure indication that we are getting closer.

Entry 10
There are some days when everything goes perfectly, and this, surely, was one of them. This morning, I enjoyed a brisk refreshing workout with Saber; okay, so my fighting skills aren’t great, but I can still rely on my status as the main character to see me through. Then, whilst out on my shopping trip, I ran into Ilya (minus Berserker)- she certainly seems to have warmed up to me, so once I get her Servant out of the way there shouldn’t be any further obstacles to adding her to the harem. I even had some time left over to learn about reinforcement sorcery from Rin.

Entry 11
I’ve reluctantly come to realise that I really do need Saber to fight for me- I only hope that she won’t get too damaged or exhausted. Equally unfortunate is that she had to fight against Rider- I was really hoping to just get Shinji out of the way and absorb Rider into my harem, but it’s proving more difficult than anticipated.

Entry 12
I have bad news to report- today marks my first major setback on the road to harem perfection. Rider is dead, and Saber is dreadfully weakened through use of her Noble Phantasm. I have gambled and lost out quite seriously; my only hope is that dear Rin knows a way to recover Saber so that we can set out to pursue Ilya.

Things aren’t going so well on the Rin front, however; at school today she actually tried to attack me! I suppose it makes for a more interesting relationship, but I hope that she’ll settle down soon.

Entry 06

Good news; Rin and I have put aside our differences for now, just as I knew we would. Hopefully from now on we’ll be working together- she can handle Holy Grail matters, and I’ll collect the women released in the fallout.

I have also identified yet another harem candidate, although unfortunately I was attacked whilst doing so- Rider, the bondage queen. Saber is most insistent that I let her fight Rider, but I really don’t want my goods getting damaged.

Entry 07

It seems the associated problems increase exponentially with each harem member I add. Rin has made a complete turnaround and now wants to spend more time with me; naturally I’m happy to walk to school and spend lunchtimes with her, but I worry that Sakura is getting jealous.

Anyway, regardless of that, Rin and I did get to spend a lot of time together in school today, hunting down and removing magical symbols. Even though this is more on the Holy Grail side of things, Rin assures me that we could meet up with a new servant and master, hopefully of the female persuasion.

Entry 08

I have to say some of the other masters don’t seem to have got the hang of these harem wars at all. Shinji actually offered to become my ally today- doesn’t he realise I’m not interested in other men? All I want from him is Rider.

In other news, Rin has finally decided to move in with me- we had the usual rumblings of discontent from the established harem members, but we were able to make up a few excuses to pacify them.

Entry 01
My name is Emiya Shirou, a fairly average high school student with a small but stable harem. Between Sakura (childhood friend, schoolmate and cook) and Taiga-sensei (the older woman), most of my needs are catered for, and yet I can’t help but feel that something is missing from my life. Perhaps the only way to be truly satisfied is to gather more women to my side- but where to start?

Entry 02
Although I was pretty sure that my status as the main character made me invincible, I had a bit of a shock today when some weird guy dressed in blue ran me through. Fortunately, a mysterious benefactor (thank you, and if you’re female, would you consider joining my harem) revived me, and my brief time on the other side was akin to a revelation from god- I saw the clear path required to create the ultimate harem.

On that note, I have to say that the first steps went well without my even having to do much- admittedly I ended up being chased by that blue guy again, but as if from nowhere, a woman called Saber appeared and fought him off. Somehow, she already knows my preferences, and has begun addressing me as Master.

Entry 03
I have added another name to my list of potential candidates- classmate Rin Tohsaka. As a skilled and intelligent magic user, she will be a worthy addition to my harem; of course there is the unfortunate matter of that guy called Archer who’s always hanging around her, but as it seems that she can make him invisible, I don’t anticipate him being too much of a problem.

The most important news of the night, however, is this- according to some exposition guy at the church, I have been chosen to take part in the harem wars! Apparently there are seven pairs of servants and masters, and my job is to get the rival men out of the way so that all the women are free to join my harem. Oh, and there was some mention of a Holy Grail War too, but I’ll leave all that complicated stuff to Rin.

Entry 04
I had something of an unfortunate encounter the other night- dearest Saber was attacked by some big hulk called Berserker. I feared for her safety, but fortunately death does not appear to be switched on yet, so his master got bored and called him off. I am sure Berserker’s master is the kind of girl I’m supposed to be collecting in the harem wars (she’ll fill the loli role nicely) but I can concentrate on that later- for now, Saber and Rin must be my prime concerns.

Of course, I haven’t forgotten about my initial harem members, and since integrating all four women into one unit may prove tricky, I’ve decided to take it slowly. Nonetheless, I can’t have dearest Saber skulking around outside when I need her by my side, and so regardless of the consequences, I must move her into the main house.