It’s been a long time since I’ve been able to have an honest-to-goodness rant. I’ve tried to moderate myself and just post my thoughts in the form of structured reviews, but the time has come to break down those barriers and lay into the easiest target of the Spring 2007 season- El Cazador de la Bruja. A series which generated low expectations even before it began, Cazador nonetheless managed to plumb untold depths of dullness and monotony, and much as it pains me to revisit it in any form, this rant shall be a cathartic experience that will justify sitting through those twenty-six episodes in the first place.

Billed as the third in Bee Train’s ‘girls with guns’ trilogy, El Cazador was to be the successor of Noir and Madlax, one a solid series with a tight focus, the other a HARD YURI-fest packed with dubious supernatural elements. With this in mind, it was perhaps not wise to ever expect too much from the series, which promised yet another pairing of young girl and skilled gun-woman, albeit this time with different hair colours to their predecessors. This time around we would be following the adventures of bounty hunter Nadie as she attempted to protect her charge Ellis from various forces out to capture her- although as per the usual formula, there was more to Ellis than met the eye. Over the course of the series, this intrepid duo were to travel across Central America in search of the village of Wiñay Marka, all the while pursued by both recurring and one shot characters.

So far then, not too bad- it may not be the most enthralling of concepts, but surely something could be made of it- couldn’t it? Well, yes it could, but not something that anyone would choose to watch. Instead, each episode was so spectacularly dull that it made monster of the week series look innovative- every week, Nadie and Ellis would stop off at some insignificant town, get involved in the mundane lives of the characters of the week, perhaps indulge in a car chase and then move on again. Whether it was the lives of a couple who ran a roadside café or the dull antics of an underwhelming village, each and every episode succeeded in achieving absolutely nothing. In short, it was the dustiest and most boring road trip in history- a sort of extended version of the bus arc first seen in Tsubasa.

Even so, you might argue, there was still a girl with a gun, and that must surely mean that the poor stories of the week could at least be compensated for with a healthy dose of action, right? Admit it, if you seriously thought that, you have absolutely no knowledge of Bee Train whatsoever, do you? For, fearful that action might actually overly stimulate the viewers, Koichi Mashimo and his pals decided to make Nadie a rather unique personality- a bounty hunter who doesn’t actually go after any bounties. Indeed, why bother with a tense and exciting hunt for a dangerous killer when you can spend an episode working at an Amigo Tacos restaurant instead (despite not being a real franchise, Amigo Tacos is to El Cazador what Pizza Hut was to Code Geass and Pizza Hut). Then again, perhaps it was for the best that Nadie chose not to foray into the world of bounty hunting, because on the odd occasion when she did attempt it, she failed so miserably that it was clear she had chosen the wrong career. From slipping and tripping at the drop of a hat to falling for one of the oldest cons in the book, it was abundantly clear that the only bounty hunting Nadie had experience with was searching for a particular brand of chocolate bar in the aisles of her local store.

Under these less than ideal conditions, the series plodded on, but there was worse to come when it tried to convince us all that yes, there was actually some kind of plot going on. At the centre of the conspiracy we have Ellis, a ‘man-made witch’ with disturbingly orgasmic special powers that activate whenever the plot deems them necessary. Naturally, a hero cannot have powers without various antagonists wanting them, and so in pursuit of her are both evil scientist Rosenberg and a clan of descendants of ‘natural born witches’. In order to truly expose the ridiculousness of the entire series, we can do no better than to take a detailed look at the modus operandi of these two factions.

Rosenberg: a villain who likes to switch on a light using a complex system of ropes and pulleys
Many men seem to have a knack for making simple tasks unnecessarily complicated, but none more so than Doug Rosenberg, a scientist dedicated to the idea of harnessing the power of the witches. His plan is to awaken Ellis by causing the deaths of the people closest to her, first by killing the beloved Professor Schneider with whom she grew up and rather disturbingly fell in love, before sending her off on a long journey with Nadie in the hopes that they would become close enough that Nadie’s death would trigger her final awakening. Yes, in short, he was responsible for the whole interminably dull road trip through Central America in the first place- and for that alone, he should have died a far more painful and horrible death than the one he actually experienced in episode twenty-five.

LA: the psychotic bishounen
As one of Rosenberg’s lackeys, LA’s job was initially to trail Ellis and shoot video footage of her- a task the psychotic stalker took to with relish. As a fellow genetically engineered specimen, LA felt a kinship with Ellis that went beyond the usual limits; so devoted to her was he that even her lighting his crotch on fire was a source of excitement to him. Even capturing him and attempt to reduce his affections via brainwashing did not seem to work, and so he spent some twenty-four episodes acting irrationally in pursuit of his beloved before finally getting killed.

Ricardo and Lirio: a disturbing relationship
Also in Rosenberg’s employ to keep an eye on Nadie, Ellis and LA (talk about redundancy) is Ricardo, an older man who travels with his own personal loli- the mute Lirio. The way Lirio (whose head reaches up to Ricardo’s groin) cuddles up to him when in danger is rather disturbing, as is the rather creepy lack of clarification about their relationship. In fact, the whole point of Lirio at all is something of a mystery- she spends most of the series mute, only to suddenly awaken to her witch heritage at the end in time to speak two lines to Blue-Eyes. Was she just there because Bee Train productions have to have a pink-haired loli? All signs point to yes.

Melissa: who was she?
Partway through the series, Rosenberg’s superiors at the CIA briefly step into the series to tell him to stop lusting after Ellis and take a vacation with a woman of legal age. Rosenberg duly follows their instructions and spends several pointless episodes vacationing with a woman named Melissa- a woman of undisclosed background and purpose who comes into the series purely to be with her beloved ‘Doug’ for a while. As the series starts drawing to an end, however, Rosenberg ungraciously leaves her high and dry in order to get back to the plot, cementing her existence as nothing more than a pointless time filler.

The clan of the witches, or why body sacks are not in fashion
Also keeping an eye on Ellis and her powers are the clan of the witches- real witches who are slowly losing their power and dying out, but fear that Ellis may misuse her abilities. From their base at the Dark Assembly, these cosplayers don all manner of hooded robes designed to retain anonymity and thus minimise their embarrassment at their continually changing policies. Every few episodes, they alter their stance, unable to stick to either hanging back and observing Ellis or moving in and capturing her. The point of including them in the series at all is unclear, as is the episode where they send .hack rejects to chase the leads over the course of one night before giving up by dawn.

Blue-Eyes: a woman of two looks
The main operative of the clan of the witches (and indeed the only one to be blessed with a name), Blue-Eyes spends several episodes as a wide-eyed meganekko working for Rosenberg. Unfortunately, bland attempts to outwit him, getting stuck in a ceiling vent and periodically claiming that his plans were sure to fail was not really a recipe for job satisfaction, and so at the halfway point Blue-Eyes transforms into a sexy sharp-eyed woman with an agenda of her own.

From hereon in, Blue-Eyes and her nameless underlings pursue the leads in their own bid for screen time, generally observing and only rarely aiding the plot. Sadly, whilst I must admit that Blue-Eyes in her second form is the most attractive female on the series, she deserved more than her role of being the “other woman” with added minor plot role.

Audiovisual
As to be expected from any Bee Train series, El Cazador is a series with distinctive named character designs in the familiar style, dull looking generics, beautiful panoramic settings- and a distinct lack of much in the way of action. Characters are all too often seen in low detail distance shots, mere specks on the horizon, whilst action scenes are meted out sparingly, in case an excess of fighting might excite the viewers too much.

Background music is, unsurprisingly, handled by Yuki Kajiura, who adds a Mexican flavour to the score that ensures that whilst it is solid enough and in keeping with her familiar style, it just isn’t up to par with her best work. Nonetheless, after the glut of slow ballads used in the likes of Tsubasa, it is nice to hear some decent insert songs, whilst both OP and ED are catchy and memorable (in fact, they are one of the most watchable aspects of the series). Speaking of the ED, however, we must question something- who was the masked man who appeared so prominently in it? And what was the point of the ‘sniper cat’?

Final Thoughts
A series so dull that I could watch entire episodes on a low volume setting without noticing, El Cazador consistently failed to excite or entertain, instead offering only a target for parody wrapped up in a pleasant presentation. Noir was focused and worthy, Madlax was convoluted and over the top, but this was just one long stretch of monotony interspersed with frustratingly unanswered questions.

Nadie experiences extreme boredom after watching twenty-five episodes of El Cazador.

“Hello, I’m the star of season two- El Cazador Full Throttle.”

“In that case, you can warm up by watching the shop whilst I nip off for a bit of HARD YURI.”

Since this is an epilogue, everyone has made an effort to change their hairstyle.

“That ball’s been stuck up in the tree for months.”

“A little kid stuck servicing an older man.”

“I only like underage boys!”

“I can’t believe you just said that out loud- and on TV, too.”

“Hey everyone, remember us? Last time you saw us, we were HARD GAY cross-dressers, but now we’re HARD GAY fatsos!”

“How did minor characters like you even get a return appearance?”

“I feel strangely attracted to them.”

“Nadie, Ellis, why don’t you join us for a double date?”

“To tell you the truth, we’re not into the sort of kinky games you like.”

“Don’t knock them until you’ve tried them, honey.”

Ellis catches Nadie in the middle of Hyper Self Pleasure.

“It’s not what you think- honest!”

“You said I was all you needed!”

“I’ve seen you sneakily doing it under the covers.”

“It doesn’t count if no one sees you doing it.”

“We need to look normal- they’d chuck us out if they knew we were raging nymphomaniacs with a taste for HARD YURI, BI and Hyper Self Pleasure!”

“From now on, we must give up all but the most basic of Pleasure.”

“Damn, a life without proper Pleasure is going to be a long and dull one.”

Taco taco tacos, delicious tacos…

“Anyway, I realised the real money was in tacos, and I haven’t looked back since.”

“Oh by the way, this may be the year 2009, but cassette tapes are still going strong!”

“I thought everyone used CDs these days.”

“By the way, I hear Ricardo is givng Lirio Boomerang these days.”

“..and wait a second as I unzip my trousers…”

“She’s growing up fast.”

“If we don’t, that kid will be the star of season two!”

“We just found something even more boring than our constant travelling, and you want to give it up to go back to baseline monotony?”

“I bear an uncanny resemblance to Rosenberg for no real reason.”

“You look like a man who’s good in bed- come and service my partner and I!”

“We’re getting some loving tonight!”

“Useless as you are, you had the power of main characters to combat our minor recurring nature!”

“Sorry, you’re so minor I don’t even remember who you are.”

“Nadie, how could you forget those HARD GAY cross-dressers? The image of them is still burnt onto my brain.”

“It sounds laughably ridiculous in the retelling, but there you go.”

“…as advertised on teleshopping!”

“They’re minor characters, and no one really cares if they’re fat or not!”

“I’ve had enough of this farce! Time to kick some booty!”

“Hey wait- I was the bounty hunter so I should at least get a tiny bit of action!”

“Shut up, Nadie- I’m the sexiest and most accomplished character, and the viewers know it!”

“I wish you’d use those moves on me!”

“Accept your minor status!”

“Never! Counter with flab power!”

“Why is uselessness my role in life?”

“Gwakaka, now we can finally dispatch these main characters and have our own show!”

“Stay back! I’m booked to star in the next season!”

“Nadie, I’m sorry- I just can’t hand over being the main character yet!”

“Go, Main Character Power!”

“It’s the only way we can get screen time!”

“Sorry, but we’ve decided to film a second series of our car trip adventures.”

Like a bus arc, it never ends.

Ricardo is recovering well after straining his hand during excessive Hyper Self Pleasure.

“Know that it has been coated with Teflon!”

Bee Train has a liking for phallic imagery.

“Stop trying to leave me behind just because I’m essentially useless!”

“This looks like the entrance to the final boss dungeon- I hoped you saved.”

“It took twenty-five episodes to get here, but now let’s finish this.”

“Marvel at my amazing fashion sense!”

“That’s just an old curtain, isn’t it?”

“Keep me alive, and I can tell you how to make your own.”

“…the pain of being trapped in an endless bus arc!”

“Inexplicable Final Boss shield powers!”

“Cameraman, stop zooming out!”

“I don’t know what you’re complaining about- you can still make out the characters if you squint at the screen.”

“And don’t let that blasted cameraman get away again!”

“At last, an opponent worthy of my skills- a rock!”

“Come on, this is the platforming section of the game.”

Press Circle+X+Square whilst holding down the R2 button and rotating the analogue stick 270° to perform this move.

“Gwakaka, now comes my favourite bit- the part where the villain explains his motives to the hero in unnecessary detail!”

“I just wanted to see if a man of HARD GAY could be turned STRAIGHT or BI!”

“…and became a woman trained in the arts of Pleasure!”

“Now you are the ideal woman I have seen in so many eroge!”

“Back off, she’s mine!”

“Ellis and I beg to differ.”

“Some may call it a rather extreme way to get rid of a romantic rival, but it seems perfectly sensible to me.”

“At long last I can move past phone and internet sex, and have the real thing!”

“The whole series was so boring that I can’t remember any of it!”

You may wonder why I bothered with this featureless white screen, but it is actually a statement as to how interesting the series as a whole was.

“Give me one last Gun for old time’s sake.”

“You know how bad my aim is!”

“You must do it before Rosenberg forces me to act out his kinky fantasies!”

Ah, the obligatory confession.

“I don’t want to have CORPSE!”

“I wasn’t actually wounded in any discernible way, but I shall die with you to provide a Romeo and Juliet style tragedy.”

“Why, Rosenberg? Why were our phone sessions never enough for you?”

“I have been mute all series, but now the plot will give me the power of speech!”

“I choose to save Ellis, since I’ve already slept with Nadie!”

“Well done- you made the right choice.”

“Now, what comes next in the villain’s manual? Ah yes, ‘blow up final boss dungeon, giving heroes scant minutes to get out’.”

“Aagh, falling rocks- this is just like when I run out of time in Utawarriors!”

“We can call it El Cazador season two!”

“Sorry, but Nadie is all I need!”

“Nadie!” “Ellis!” “Nadie!” “Ellis!”

“It isn’t over yet! If I get away, we can still have a second season!”

“I didn’t die either.”

“We, the clan of the witches, who spent the whole series in the shadows taking very little constructive action, shall now return to the shadows to take no action!”

“I hope no one noticed I dropped the camera.”

“Rosenberg, you can never beat the power of main character BI!”

“Aagh, the zoom button is jammed again!”

“Damn, my most dramatic moment and I choked to death on a glass of Ribena!”

“Was it wrong to want more than just phone sex?”

I love the way Bee Train lets you feel up close and personal with the action.

“A long and boring journey, in fact.”

“For I am all-knowing, handsome and also terribly modest.”

“Now, taste my superior Gun!”

“You can’t shoot me- I’m a main character!”

“Why are you collapsing? I’m the one he shot at!”

“I’m just that good- I can induce Pleasure merely by being close to someone.”

“Oh, and did I mention that I am also the mastermind behind this entire series?”

“You’re the one responsible for this endless monotony?”

“People have suggested that there must have been a less convoluted way to proceed, but I don’t listen to those fools.”

“I even arranged for the two of you to get all that HARD YURI business out of your systems so you would be ready to embrace BI.”

“When the time was right, he would show you how men like to be Pleasured.”

LA tries to cover up his disappointment when his latest blind date proves to be somewhat underwhelming.

In a desperate effort to salvage the situation, he strikes up a conversation.

“All I want is to make Ellis a BI partner worthy of me!”

“BI? What’s all this about BI?”

“Ah, it seems an old HARD GAY partner of mine is here.”

“Although if truth be known, we’ve only ever had phone sex.”

“You told me I was your one and only!”

“Surely you knew those were sweet nothings!”

“And now I’m afraid I have a prior engagement at the final boss location- farewell.”

“Hi, we’re back on our continuing search for names and a purpose.”

“Why are bubbles floating past? What’s the point of anything anymore?”

“Oh hello, I just happened to be enjoying a spot of bubble-blowing, as you do.”

“Now, let us have HARD GAY.”

“NOOOO!!! I don’t want HARD GAY with you!”

“Stop violating me!”

“Just relax, and you will feel the Pleasure.”

“There- it isn’t so bad now, is it?”

“I was the one who first taught you the ways of Pleasure.”

“Let us attain a climax.”

(“Another lover conquered, gwakaka!”)

“He wanted to find ways of enhancing Pleasuring techniques.”

“None of his colleagues were up to his exacting standards.”

“He became so depressed that he barely noticed when the removals men made a mess of his office.”

“In the end, he died during a particularly dangerous bout of Hyper Self Pleasure.”

“Yes, he truly is a well developed antagonist.”

“Does he think her powers will help reach new levels of BI?”

“That’s obscene!”

“Ah, nothing like eating in the middle of nowhere to really sharpen the digestion.”

“LA, the new Liang I fitted to you is just perfect!”

“Yes, what a fine figure of a man you have become.”

“Now, here are the instructions for the next technique I want to try…”

“Bad news- Rosenberg has seduced LA!”

“I refuse to believe it- I’m the one he wants!”

“You shouldn’t go there without a main character!”

“Face it, Nadie, you’re too useless to tag along.”

“And besides, this is a conflict between men.”

Let’s play Spot the Character.

HARD GAY commences.

“This is not just Pleasure…this is M&S Intense Pleasure.”

“Is there time for a spot of break dancing?”

“What are you doing? You’re damaging my Liang!”

“Why do I keep waking up in the middle of nowhere? Is it the drugs?”

“And what was I doing having HARD GAY? I am committed to BI with Ellis!”

“Your partner is me!”

“Fatal HARD GAY!”

“That was unsatisfying- Lirio, service me!”

“These supporting characters are taking up our screen time- let’s leave them behind for the finale!”

Next episode

“What do you think of my new outfit? I got it in the John Lewis sale.”

Whilst LA must discover what sort of Pleasure is available to a man without a Liang, Nadie and Ellis face yet another threat to their relationship- for having exhausted the possibilities of HARD YURI with her nameless underlings, Blue-Eyes is ready for Ellis to show her the ropes of BI. Can their relationship weather yet another week of ups and downs?

L.A. is reduced to mere PILLAR.

“He told me it was normal not to have a Liang!”

“Why? Why is there nothing down there?”

“There must be ways even someone like me can have Pleasure!”

“Stop forcing me to have cyber-Pleasure with you, Rosenberg!”

“Was my Pleasure really intense enough to do this to Nadie?”

“You are most skilled at both HARD YURI and BI.”

“What’s this? The minute we leave the room, they start having Pleasure again?”

“…have more BI with you, Ellis?”

“Of course!”

“You know, Blue-Eyes, I never realised how attractive you were before- and as for those melons, well, compared to mine they’re damn impressive.”

“Stop, you’re embarrassing me!”

“And before you ask, these are my natural melons- no artificial enhancements.”

(“Yeah, right.”)

“Oh by the way, I have decided to turn BI as well.”

“And here I thought you were committed to HARD YURI.”

“I have tried all the HARD YURI techniques in an effort to revitalise my flagging love life.”

“But in the end, it just doesn’t excite me anymore.”

“Instead, I found myself increasingly impressed by the ways of BI.”

“I can no longer deny my need for BI.”

“…and I know that if I have BI with Ellis, I will revitalise my libido!”

“Blue-Eyes, I think you came on a little too strong.”

“She is not yet ready for the raunchy things I have in mind.”

“I know what you mean- I’m waiting for the day when she wants to become more ambitious in the bedroom.”

“I guess when you come down to it, we’re both attracted to Ellis.”

“…but we must leave it to her to decide who she wants to go out with.”

A new low is reached in the form of a random old generic talking about the weather.

“I am a registered exposition NPC!”

“Then can you help me? I’m worried that the intensity of my BI will damage my partners.”

“The only way to become a good Pleasure partner is to practise.”

A member of the production staff is carelessly caught on camera.

(“I hope no one spotted me running off with this stolen tablecloth.”

“Nadie, I see now that you are useless and that I might as well continue by myself.”

“You can’t do this to me- I’m in the OP!”

“She has clearly rejected you in favour of my charms.”

“I love her!”

“Up until now, I have always been single.”

“You, with your many lovers, must think that the single life is a blast.”

“…that you get so insanely jealous of couples!”

“I need a partner too!”

“Instead, we must interest them in a foursome.”

Ellis randomly runs into LA and decides she is ready for BI with him.

Let it never be said that tacos took a backseat in this production.

“Of course it is- it’s an Amigo Taco! Tacos, tacos, tacos….”

Amigo Tacos- for a taco you can rely on.

I know not everyone is comfortable with the telephone, but this is taking it a bit too far.

“He wants more phone sex!”

“Sorry, but I can’t possibly stay with someone who has telephone sex!”

“Even POLE is more acceptable!”

“Ellis, you’re mine- and don’t ever forget it!”

“I thought we discussed this- you’re useless!”

“I am not useless!”

“I know you’ve been thinking about BI and Liangs…”

“…but you are destined to be mine!”

“This Spidey-sense thing is overrated- I can’t seem to get it to work.”

“Oh, hello girls.”

“Using the magic of teleport, I have got here ahead of you.”

“Sorry, are you important to the series at all?”

“Sadly, I believe he is.”

“Director, the zoom function on the camera’s gone weird again.”

Next episode

Nadie puzzles over the purpose of a spoon.

“I shall give myself Gun!”

(“Oh no, she caught me about to have Hyper Self Pleasure!”)

“Oh, so you do have a Gun after all- I thought maybe the reason you were into cybersex was because you weren’t able to have the real thing.”

“Would you like to give me Pleasure?”

“Women can’t give Gun.”

“They can’t? I can see I have been grossly misinformed.”

Ellis is once again interested in Kokopelli’s “pipe”.

Meanwhile, Nadie decides to enquire about new forms of BI.

“I’m a newcomer to the BI scene, so I don’t really know about the kinkier stuff.”

“There’s this old guy who’s been around the block a few times- he probably knows all sorts of techniques.”

“Now, which Pipe will offer the best experience?”

“Yeah, I know one or two things about Pleasure you young ‘uns won’t have experienced.”

“Tell me everything you know about BI!”

The threat of another bus arc is never far away.

“Am I perhaps ready for Double Pipe?”

“Hey Ellis, could you pick out one of those pipes for me? It turns out I don’t have one of my own.”

“You what?”

“Yes, she was truly blessed with unique powers…wait a minute, anyone can do those things!”

“Ah, sitting in the background and listening in on the plot- is there any finer use of my time?”

“I wonder, were the witches of HARD YURI corrupted by the Liangs of men?”

“Anyway, only try those advanced techniques I told you if you’re truly serious about BI.”

Oh god no- it took twenty-two episodes to get here, and now you’re suggesting going back?

“Nadie, did you find out about any good BI techniques?”

“I can’t wait for BI!”

“I feel like an idiot in this costume- and I still can’t cast Omega Star.”

“So much for all those Amigo Tacos employment promises.”

“El Cazador Card Battles!”

“It’s us…again.”

“Group Pleasure!”

“Would you like to join in?”

“Sorry, but I’ve decided not to sell my body anymore- Ellis is the only one for me.”

“Well, how about we catch this puma instead? Given the events of last episode, it should be right up your street.”

“Haven’t you heard of the feline mafia?”

“Oh great, I’ve woken up in the middle of nowhere again.”

“I really have to cut back on the alcohol.”

“It’s almost like the writers don’t even care anymore.”

“Even the fork was better.”

“Ellis, watch out! Dangerous barrel up ahead!”

“That’s a mean one, all right.”

“Oh wait, Lirio has already disarmed the barrel- stand down.”

(“I wonder if anyone can spot me behind this barrel?”)

“I found out the hard way that CAT isn’t for me.”

According to the rules of El Cazador: the RPG, Lirio’s attack doubles when Ricardo is downed.

Unfortunately, 2×0 is still 0.

“I may be useless, but at least I have main character power!”

“You’re nothing without me, Nadie!”

“Hmm, good point.”

“Activate weird camera controls!”

“Hey, what happened to the camera?”

“My internet may have been cut off, but I’ll just leech off someone else’s wireless connection!”

“Now to log onto cybersex- let’s see who’s online.”

“Oh, it’s just LA- he doesn’t even have a Liang.”

“Help me- a paw is reaching through a small hole!”

“Don’t worry, Nadie- I’ll protect you!”

“Man, do I feel useless…”

Poor cat, it never wanted to be part of El Cazador.

“Activate laser defence system!”

“Pleasure Field on!”

“What’s happening? I’m feeling strangely aroused!”

“The intense Pleasure Aura is ripping a hole in the fabric of the universe!”

“Take this- Pleasure Zap!”

“She will incinerate you with her new Pleasure powers!”

“This feels…so good…”

“Oh no, we ran out of time on this level of Utawarriors, and boulders have started to fall!”

“Did something just happen?”

“You fool- you just invoked Pleasure power strong enough to seriously injure your partner!”

“Rosenberg, why did you have to leave? Now I will never get any character development!”

“He was sick of waiting for the plot to advance.”

This is the only shot contained in the entire preview.

Blue-Eyes decides to indulge in a bit of casino bondage.

“…this telephone sex bondage session has been most disappointing.”

“Okay, let’s go again- this time with a Pleasure technique of your choice.”

“You must satisfy me.”

“My Liang didn’t suffer at all when it was set on fire.”

“Could it be that…I have no Liang!?”

“What the hell do I do now?”

“Damn these driving levels- I’m going to keep trying until I can do this lap in under 50 seconds!”

“Sorry, but we can’t accept rifles to make bets- they stretch across too many numbers.”

“How is your Gun ability?”

“I’ve been trained in all types of HARD YURI.”

“Although that was in my wild university days.”

“Every week, the heroes seem to foil our inconsistent and poorly thought out plans.”

“What do you mean, the director isn’t in his office? I’ve been waiting weeks to be told my name!”

“Shall we do something kinky under this blanket?”

“The camera was too far away on that long shot!”

Episode twenty-one, a time for plot, a time for pushing forwards to the finale- a time for…catching random vultures.

Yep, we’re all wondering that about now.

“Okay, we’re on track for our obligatory cameo.”

I’d like to break from parody for a moment to cover something far more hilarious than anything I might come up with. You see, this character of the week ties his birds up loosely so he can accuse passers by of setting them free and force them to compensate him. Nadie and Ellis fell for it, and so are trying to catch a replacement bird- I think this shows us all how worldly and wise the accomplished bounty hunter Nadie really is.

“What do you think of my new outfit- will I be accepted into Slytherin now?”

“I don’t know- I thought this was the place to join the Men in Black.”

“Anyway, enough of that- let’s select the best place for HARD YURI.”

“And then it’s Pleasure City!”

“We’re supposed to be having BI here!”

“Okay, just a quick bit of BI, then.”

David Attenborough didn’t say anything about luring vultures with half-eaten bars of chocolate.

“Hey, birds don’t like chocolate!”

(“Like hell I don’t- I need something sweet to take away the taste of carrion!”

Nadie performs some sort of ritual dance.

(“God, this series is so boring! When will it end?”)

“We can even make a spin-off show called The Chick Raiser!”

“When it comes to Pleasure, I’ll do it anywhere- even this cave.”

“The only thing I worry about is not finding a partner and having to resort to Hyper Self Pleasure.”

“Silly Nadie, you’re supposed to say ‘anywhere’s fine, as long as it’s with you’.”

Yeah, me too.

“Is she the other woman in your life?”

“It was strictly professional between us- I swear!”

“Yay, we finally caught this pointless bird!”

“And now it has immediately been released- this futility almost echoes the series overall, don’t you think?”

Oh my god, the suspense! Is a minor supporting character really going to kill the lead five whole episodes before the finale?

If you seriously thought it might happen, go and sit in the corner.

“There is absolutely no point trying to fight the main characters.”

“In other words, I am useless.”

“However, maybe I can gain power far too late for it to have any bearing on the plot.”

“Now I must go off on a journey of spiritual awakening- alone.”

“You can’t leave us- we don’t even have names!”

“Boy, do I feel stupid!”

“I think I may be falling for her.”

“The series can never redeem itself now.”

“I just can’t drink from this broken glass!”

“Police here- who wants some Gun?”

“HARD GAY? Don’t mind if I do!”

“We’ll get a nice double bed and practice our BI!”

“We can offer you superior BI at an affordable rate.”

“Aren’t you just generics?”

“…we’ll know you aren’t satisfied, and we’ll give you your money back.”

“What if I refuse your advances?”

“No one’s ever said no to us before.”

“Fine, but make it quick!”

“Okay then- Speed Gun!”

Here we see Nadie, the mighty and accomplished bounty hunter…tripping over a dustbin lid.

“Can you really be that useless?”

“Looks like I’ll be having a full BI session after all.”

“Oh, er, hello Ellis- we’re not stalking you, honest!”

“That BI was very rough!”

“Around these parts, that kind of BI would be considered refined and gentle!”

“…that you got the chance to be with a lover as good as me!”

“I didn’t get turned on at all from watching that BI!”

“I only like it when the Pleasure is intense enough that your partner dies!”

“I’m afraid I prefer to leave them alive.”

“Is it time for us to have some role in the plot this episode?”

“No, not yet- there’s plenty of time left for us to do something.”

“Ellis is entering puberty- she will soon be ready for our HARD YURI.”

“Unlike you, Nadie, I’m actually good at what I do.”

“Don’t you think the foursome of you, me, Ellis and Lirio caters for all tastes?”

“…Is he trying to say he thinks he’s my type?”

“What about me? Don’t I bring a freshly unique perspective to the group?”

“Anyway, I was with this guy, and he was this big- no kidding!”

“To me, that is small.”

“I have to make do with Lirio.”

“He did not pass Go, and he most certainly did not collect £200.”

“Hopefully no one will notice I had the camera upside down when I switched it on.”

“May I have this dance?”

“I shall slice up this bed so that you and Ellis will never be able to have BI on it!”

“I thought you didn’t mind if Ellis and I were together!”

“That’s before I realised you were a useless bounty hunter who attracted partners like Ricardo and Lirio!”

“Equip length of pipe, Streets of Rage style!”

“Damn, who switched breaking weapons on?”

“None of them have the stamina to service me.”

“You’ve given Pleasure to mere humans before!”

“I just gave it a try out of curiosity.”

“You just wanted to practise on lesser lovers to be perfect for Ellis, didn’t you?”

“LA, how many times do I have to do this- I choose Nadie!”

“However, just this once I will show you what it is like to have Pleasure with me.”

“That was just the kind of Pleasure I was looking for!”

“So intense that my crotch even caught fire!”

“Put it out, man, or you’ll lose your Liang!”

“I’m sorry, Nadie, I just wanted to try him- but don’t worry, he’s nowhere near as good as you!”

“I’m not!?”

“…but Nadie knows just how to make a girl feel wanted!”

“I still need the screen time, after all.”

“I’m sorry, we lost our chance to do anything meaningful this episode because the queue for Amigo Tacos was so long.”

“But never fear- we’ll be back next week!”

“All right- time to log onto cybersex.”

“How many times do I have to confirm that I am over 18?”

The happy couple sleeps off another night of wild BI.

Meanwhile, LA has to make do with a cold shower.

Blue-Eyes enjoys a bondage group session with the members of the Dark Assembly.

“Not now that she and Nadie have begun exploring BI.”

“For no apparent reason, we have made a complete U-turn on our approach to Ellis.”

In case you had forgotten all about those delicious tacos.

“Hello, it’s us again…er, would you mind giving us a lift?”

“We offer bed and breakfast while you wait for your car to be repaired!”

Bee Train’s specialty- distance shots with minimal character intrusion.

“All mechanics say that.”

“Would you like to stay at our B&B in the meantime?”

“…if we like B&B.”

“Well then, maybe you’d like to try a hotel.”

“After all, a married couple like you must want a nice room to have STRAIGHT in, right?”

“Hey, I only had STRAIGHT with him once!”

“This woman is a bit too old for me- I usually prefer them young.”

“…just casual, one-off lovers!”

“…with a connecting door, of course.”

“…then we have to admit to the poorly scripted ‘coincidences’ that result in our meeting every episode.”

“…and ever since then, these restaurant tickets I bought on the day she died have been going to waste.”

“Trust me, mate, this is the way to get good STRAIGHT out of your wife.”

“I don’t need a generic giving me advice on my love life!”

“Engaged again…when are we ever going to get through to the director and learn what our names are?”

“Perfect for us to try out BI!”

“Let’s get started straightaway!”

“We should wash before Pleasure- I thought you knew that by now.”

“Damn, they’ve seated us separately- what if Ricardo and Nadie start having Pleasure without us?”

“See, didn’t I tell you this costume was the greatest? It’s practical and comfortable!”

“What a fine looking figure of a man, if I do say so myself!”

“Although with nothing to do in the plot, I’m thinking of auditioning for the next season of Bartender.”

(“I thought things would improve when Nadie discovered BI, but instead it’s backfired!”)

It’s actually a generic from the next table saying this line, but let’s take it out of context.

“I hear you’ve been selling Pleasure for money.”

“It’s the only way I can raise money to buy delicious tacos for me and Ellis!”

“I don’t even know why you’re with Ellis when you’re so useless.”

“My presence is for the good of the plot! You can’t just write me out now!”

“Hey, who turned out the lights?”

“Quick, Lirio, give me Pleasure while the lights are off! Oh damn, they came back too soon.”

“Will you sell yourself for Pleasure again?”

“Or would you do your actual job, even though you’re useless at it?”

“Well, I have to admit that bounty hunting isn’t working out as a career for me, so I’d probably just get a job at Amigo Tacos.”

“And Ellis doesn’t like it when I sell her body for Pleasure, so that’s out.”

“It’s hard selling yourself and your ‘Gun’ for Pleasure- I should know.”

“Unfortunately, I don’t have any skills or qualifications, so I’m stuck doing it.”

“Oh great, not another power cut!”

“Caught red-handed again!”

(“Ricardo keeps having quick Pleasure with Lirio, but Nadie never comes over to take me!”)

“He’s going to convert all the girls to BI or STRAIGHT at this rate!”

“It doesn’t matter, just as long as he doesn’t contaminate our Ellis.”

“That way Papa doesn’t need to keep getting up to service you.”

“Oh good, the lights are off again- come here quickly, Lirio!”

“You don’t suppose this was all an obvious ploy to kidnap Ellis, do you?”

“Can you be quiet? I’m having quality time with Lirio here!”

“Play close attention, everyone, because I’m about to have an action scene!”

“Everything’s going far too smoothly for episode nineteen.”

“Don’t take my Ellis away to the realms of HARD YURI!”

“Stay back, you STRAIGHT freak!”

“That was a bit anticlimactic.”

“Your Gadgetron personal bracelet would like to remind you that you are overdue for your next insulin injection.”

“Help me- my blood sugar is going through the roof!”

“Time for another GTA-style driving level, I guess.”

“We’ve just got our relationship back on track! I can’t lose her now!”

“Forget it- we need her for HARD YURI!”

“I’ve asked you nicely, and now you leave me no choice- but to ask you nicely again!”

“What’s happening? Ellis’ Pleasure powers are going out of control!”

“Return Spell on- bring Ellis to me!”

Nadie and Ellis have quick BI in the back of the car.

“Nadie, you were able to perform after all.”

“Did you think I would ever be unable to do it for you, Ellis?”

“At least get a room if you’re not going to invite me to join you, girls.”

“Insulin injection complete.”

“Ah, that’s better- now where was I?”

“They said it’s what all mechanics do- you go in for a burnt out spark plug and they convince you to replace the whole engine!”

“Come on, Nadie, we’re going off for some alone time.”

“That way, Ricardo and Lirio can get on with it uninterrupted.”

“Mmm, this feels good.”

“Nadie, now that you’ve discovered BI, I only want to be with you.”

“Ellis, you’re taking this a little too far.”

(“I guess Nadie isn’t willing to commit to me just yet.”)

“Ellis is mine!”

“Did you think I was going to leave you? After all I’ve done to keep us together?”

(“I should stop worrying and work on strengthening our relationship with some wild Pleasure!”)

Next episode

LA discovers the dangers of intense Hyper Self Pleasure.

El Cazador world is so boring that hanging a cap on a stick is considered a hobby.

(“This reminds me of that episode in Skullman Village- ah, good times.”)

“Look out, Ellis- a man is close by!”

“Hey, I’m just a Level One generic!”

“I thought you were a dangerous Level Two enemy!”

Nice going, Nadie.

“How dare you get annoyed just because I broke your most precious item!”

“I didn’t mean to- I’m just naturally clumsy.”

“I thought that man was going to have STRAIGHT with you, and I couldn’t allow that!”

“That guy didn’t even have a Liang.”

“Face it, Nadie, you’re damn useless!”

“B-but- I’m a main character!”

“I’m not being left behind that easily!”

“Men in Black Mode- on!”

“A love motel, or somewhere more upmarket?”

“We can always have Pleasure under the stars…”

“…but we’d probably freeze to death in the act.”

“Why don’t we go to this beach house that was in Noir instead?”

“We should be able to recover our HP and MP here.”

“And based on the name, Pleasure is more than acceptable here.”

“How strange for there to be guests at an inn.”

“I am a master of STRAIGHT, and have had many wives.”

“Sadly, once you get to my age, you have to rely on Hyper Self Pleasure.”

“Hello, it’s us again- but we’re not following you, honest!”

“Oh by the way Nadie, I don’t want to sleep with you tonight.”

(“Is Ellis turning towards STRAIGHT again?”)

“She’s at that rebellious age, I see.”

“That way, I can come and visit you later.”

“Sounds good- you can show me some STRAIGHT techniques.”

(“And just as I thought our HARD YURI relationship was secure!”)

Lirio tries a little Pipe.

“Also known as his Zhuge Liang.”

“I thought you were committed to HARD YURI, and yet you know of this famous Liang.”

“Hmm, let me test out my Pipe technique.”

“You’ll never be any good at STRAIGHT, Ellis.”

“It’s not mere WOOD- this is the genuine article.”

And now on the El Cazador channel, Learn About Llamas!

“Don’t teach her unnecessary things- all she needs to know is how to service me!”

“It’s time for our HARD YURI session!”

“I told you, I don’t want HARD YURI with you!”

“You promised me you’d chosen HARD YURI over STRAIGHT!”

“I know, but that was before I realised you were manipulating me into believing that STRAIGHT was bad!”

“Ah, another named character has appeared- I was warned about this.”

“I’m not here to give you HARD GAY, old man!”

“That’s okay, I’m not into HARD GAY- I prefer STRAIGHT.”

“I would, however, like to partake of Pleasure with Blue Eyes over there.”

“You aren’t even an important character, are you?”

“No, but I am dead, and thus I can give Heavenly Pleasure.”

“Now, Lirio, let me show you techniques your master cannot even dream of.”

“Well, Nadie, looks like it’s you and me tonight.”

“Sorry, Ricardo, but I tried STRAIGHT once when I was a kid, and I wasn’t any good at it- that’s why I turned to HARD YURI.”

“You shouldn’t be so hard on STRAIGHT just because of one bad experience. Here, let me show you how good it can be.”

“Wow, you’ve shown me a whole new perspective on STRAIGHT!”

“Yeah, I actually thought you were only into underage girls.”

“I can see where you got that idea from.”

“I have been with older women.”

“…I’ve even had HARD GAY!”

“Okay Ellis, it’s time for you to experience some Heavenly Pleasure.”

“This time, Nadie, we’re going to have that group session!”

“My room of Infinite Pleasure!”

“We’re here to claim her for the HARD YURI side!”

“Just look at my Liang, girls- can you shoot someone as well-endowed as me?”

“It’s so big!”

“Forget it, Blue Eyes- Ellis and I aren’t interested in your group Pleasure!”

“If Ellis stays with you, she will reject HARD YURI forever!”

“Break up with her now, so that she can learn HARD YURI from the masters.”

“STRAIGHT is Ellis’ true destiny!”

“Take Ellis to Wiñay Marka, and she can have eternal STRAIGHT with me!”

“She must not go! She must follow the path of HARD YURI!”

The clash between HARD YURI and STRAIGHT ignites the flames of passion.

“What do you think of my room of Infinite Pleasure, Ellis? It can recreate any environment.”

“Nadie, with a Pipe in her hands? Is this a message to try the best of both worlds?”

“Ellis, I’m sorry I tried to out you off STRAIGHT so you’d be more inclined to have HARD YURI with me.”

“Women are important to me, Nadie, but now I realise that men are too.”

“I see- so you’re saying that you’re BI, right?”

“So, we’re still lovers, right?”

“Of course we are- does it look like I have anyone else?”

“See you next episode!”

“Help, I’m trapped in a bus arc!”