Azure Flame Reloaded

The country of Shu is magically created by gathering Liu Bei, Guan Yu, Zhang Fei, Zhao Yun, Zhuge Liang and numerous cloned generics together in a castle.

Guan Yu: This is our land! Long-live Shu!

Zhang Fei: Take that, historical accuracy!

Liu Bei: This is boring! When are we going to get around to deciding my gender?

Zhuge Liang: Actually, what we need for that is the Lord’s Cube, which happens to be in Wu right now. I spent half the series helping Wu get it, but now the time has come for me to support Shu. Continue Reading »

Lu Xun awakens from a dream to find himself naked in bed.

(Lu Xun: What is this? Did someone violate me whilst I was sleeping?)

Meanwhile, other named characters gather around Zhou Yu’s corpse.

(Gan Ning: My lord, why did you have to deprive me of everything but CORPSE with you?)

Lu Meng places Zhou Yu’s Flute on his body.

Lu Meng: This was Zhou Yu’s weapon, which he used to bring Pleasure to many. Continue Reading »

Ling Tong pays a visit to Sun Quan.

Ling Tong: I’m sorry to ask for HARD GAY at such short notice, Sun Quan.

Sun Quan: Ling Tong, you should know that I am always ready for HARD GAY with you.

Ling Tong: Sir, I’m afraid this will be the last HARD GAY we can have together for a while, for I feel my chances of screen time are better served by going after Aniki.

Sun Quan: I understand- you’re worried that he’ll dump you for Zhuge Liang if you don’t go with him, right? Continue Reading »

After some intense HARD GAY to celebrate their victory, all the named characters gather together in Sun Quan’s audience hall.

Sun Quan: Zhuge Liang, that was excellent HARD GAY.

Zhuge Liang: Thank you for recognising my superior abilities. Nonetheless, we cannot achieve the true heights of Pleasure without the Lord’s Cube, which is still in Cao Cao’s possession. Continue Reading »

Zhou Yu confronts Zhuge Liang.

Zhou Yu: Zhuge Liang, it is time to throw any pretence at historical accuracy aside and claim that you are a legendary wizard who can call forth thunderstorms with Key Item Big Dipper Mandala!

Lu Xun: Oh come on- that’s stretching credulity a bit too far!

Zhuge Liang: I agree; besides, I’m too modest to admit to my amazing magical powers just yet.

Back on the Red Cliff, Cao Cao talks to Zhuge Jin. Continue Reading »

A Wu guard outpost is attacked by an implausible and historically inaccurate laser cannon. More importantly, however, the named Wu characters eat a meal together the next day.

Lu Meng: Lord Taishi Ci-

Taishi Ci: I told you not to address me so informally now that you’ve levelled up from the HARD GAY training camp!

Taishi Ci tucks into Lu Meng’s herbal rice cakes.

Lu Meng: Our group just doesn’t feel right without Zhuge Jin’s casual superiority, but he hasn’t been back since that time he said he was leaving for good.

Lu Xun: Don’t worry, I’m sure he’ll return- he’s not the sort to miss out on screen time.

Lu Meng: Who cares about that? Let’s go outside and pointlessly train some more! Continue Reading »

Gan Ning wanders the land of Wei, dressed in a hooded cloak. He is stopped by some guards.

Guard: You there- that cloak and hood make you look rather suspicious.

Gan Ning: Oh, I’m just a generic labourer, and most certainly not a named character from an enemy country.

Guard: Oh, well that’s okay then. Carry on. Continue Reading »

Zhuge Liang talks to Sun Quan, Zhou Yu and Lu Xun.

Zhou Yu: Are you saying that your command of HARD GAY is beyond that of anyone here?

(Zhuge Liang: Of course it is.)

Sun Quan: I do want to try it, but I don’t want my men to get jealous of you.

Lu Xun: There’s only one thing to do- arrange a mass HARD GAY session so that no one feels left out.

Sun Quan: Won’t that be dangerous? Someone might get hurt in the throes of passion. Continue Reading »

Zhuge Liang talks to Lu Su.

Lu Su: Did you take me to your special place to give me HARD GAY?

Zhuge Liang: Hmm, perhaps.

Lu Su: If you ask me, you still seem distracted by your pupil. If I find out you’ve let him see your Sword already, I might start getting jealous.

At home, Lu Xun tries playing housewife to Ling Tong.

Ling Tong: This meal tastes horrible! Continue Reading »

Whilst everyone else is sensible enough to sleep, Lu Xun indulges in Flashback Mode.

(Lu Xun: Master, was it really you who gave the Lord’s Cube to Huang Zu? Was it for the sake of the plot, or did you seek to create a HARD GAY partner worthy of your Liang?)

Zhuge Jin gets up.

Lu Xun: I’m sorry, did my flashbacks wake you up?

Zhuge Jin: Oh, it’s not your fault, it’s just that the floor was little too hard for me. I’m used to being on top of a nubile young man who’s only hard in one place. Continue Reading »