Remember the old days? Times were bloodier, women were meeker, and MANLY men strode across the lands, showing off their toned muscles to one and all. Yes, this was the era of Fist of the North Star, a tale of a post-apocalyptic era where ugly villains seized power over innocent villagers, and where one man fights for justice. That man’s name was Kenshiro, lone inheritor of Hokuto Shinken, the Fist of the North Star, a powerful and deadly martial art that lets one paralyse or kill just by touching certain pressure points on the body.

As I have often said, in the olden days when my internet was slower and anime was painfully scarce in DVD form, I would jump at the chance to watch anything that appeared on TV, and despite its 5am airing time, Fist of the North Star was one of those things. A far cry from the elegant artwork and complex storylines that drew me to anime in the first place, FoTNS was gruesome, ugly and rough around the edges- but somehow I watched all 36 licensed episodes without complaint.

What was it that drew me to the series? Even now, it seems to hard to say, but perhaps it was because whilst it was unlike everything that usually takes my fancy, it was also unashamedly slow. This is a show about an invincible hero uttering the immortal words “you are already dead” before taking out yet another ugly and entirely deserving villain; since Kenshiro will inevitably win within minutes, there’s nothing in the way of tension, but it is rather refreshing to see the bad guys so thoroughly defeated because the hero isn’t too pure-hearted to be afraid to get his hands dirty. And dirty they do get, because many of his techniques involve exploding heads, whilst his allies have such charming techniques as attacking the enemy with spiked yoyos or slicing them to pieces with their bare hands. For these reasons, FoTNS is hardly a series I can casually recommend, and yet those who cross its path may well find that they enjoy it, guilty pleasure though it is.

The ‘Shin’ OVA, aka “you can’t go home again”
Love it or hate it, all must surely agree that FoTNS belongs in the past, and nowhere is this better demonstrated than by “New Fist of the North Star”, a three episode OVA covering a standalone story in which Kenshiro must once again fight various villains. Sadly, not only is the story lacklustre and filled with largely pointless characters, but the CG and digital animation techniques of the present day only serve to accentuate the base ugliness of the series. Even the gore seems to be heightened, with rather explicit shots of blood and intestines putting even the old exploding heads to shame. Unless you have an extremely strong stomach or an obsessive love for the series, this OVA is to be avoided, for not only is it underwhelming in every way, but it will even make you question what you saw in the original series in the first place.

Final Thoughts
A Shounen Jump series from the days before it became the SJ we know now, FoTNS offers brutal and unashamed action and little else, ensuring that viewers will either hate it or secretly quite enjoy it.

It’s a lazy Saturday morning and you can’t be bothered to do anything other than sit and watch whatever crap happens to be on TV. It’s a situation most of us have been at one point or another in our lives, and it is in these weak and lazy moments that the likes of Beyblade creep in. One minute, you’re a respectable anime fan who can hold your head up in the most pretentious of online communities, the next you’re watching a budget series with a cheesy English dub about boys who are so obsessed with spinning tops that they’re prepared to miss school in order to travel around the world entering tournaments. Yes, this is truly the dark side, the place where Beyblade awaits, and it is at this moment that I have to admit that yes, I have seen all 153 episodes of it, god have mercy on my soul.

As a series designed for the sole purpose of selling toys, Beyblade toils under the necessity to making spinning tops look like the next big thing, and thus takes place in a world where everyone in their early teens is obsessed with the sport. There are Beyblade Federation buildings all over the world, Beyblade shops in every town, even special Beyblading academies where children can hone their skills. Now, being the obvious novitiate at spinning top games that I am, I assumed that there was very little that could be done in the way of training- after all, after you’ve built and launched the thing, all you can do is sit there and hope for the best, right? Not so, it seems, in the world of Beyblade, where everyone can inexplicably exert a conscious control over one’s spinning top (or blade, as they are known in the series), directing them to move as they will. Then again, in a world where spinning tops are all the rage (a fact which the characters feel obliged to comment on every few minutes), perhaps it shouldn’t be considered odd that everyone who plays it has telekinetic abilities.

Even so, it is clear this in itself isn’t enough to lure impressionable viewers into the world of blading, and so an extra hook is given in the fact that the Beyblades of most named characters are not mere spinning tops- instead, they are imbued with special powers. Inside these blades dwell animal spirits known as Bit Beasts, who can be summoned during the ‘Beybattle’ to perform special attacks, which, together with novelty ‘Beystadiums’ containing special obstacles and different terrains, helps to disguise the fact that spinning top contests are ultimately rather boring. And lest anyone snort in disbelief and underestimate the incredible power of these devices, it should be made clear that not only have certain personalities in the series wished to harness the power of Bit Beasts in order to take over the world, but they have even proven capable of creating entire parallel dimensions.

So, having convinced children everywhere that spinning tops are amazingly cool, and that they too can have exciting battles with their own super-powered Beyblades, the next step is to provide something for them to actually buy. Naturally, every kid will want the same blades as their heroes, but once they’ve collected everything from Tyson’s Dragoon to Tala’s Wolborg, how do you keep them coming back for more? Introducing more named characters can and does work, but an even better method is to have the leads continually upgrade their blades. Why settle for just a Dragoon when you can also pick a negligibly different Dragoon Phantom as well? Be it training or tournament, each new arc will see our heroes rebuilding their blades, ensuring that there is yet another model the kids will be clamouring for.

For all the cynicism and low budget attempt to shift plastic toys, however, it has to be admitted that on some level, Beyblade is actually quite entertaining. From unintentional hilarity to cheesy dialogue and even the occasional genuinely funny joke, there is some quality about that ensures that whilst the series overall is actually rather poor, it somehow remains watchable for episode upon episode.

Know Your Beybladers- dub version
Beyblade is a world filled with Beyblading teams, some generic, some named, and to be honest, I cannot even remember them all. The situation only gets worse in seasons two and three, where a raise in the animation budget allows for more polished character designs and ugly CG Beyblades, not to mention the addition of a whole host of new sense and continuity defying characters. Not that Beyblade makes a great deal of sense at the best of times; after all, this is a world where named characters can continue to participate in tournaments even after they get knocked out in earlier rounds.

Bladebreakers: Our heroes, the Bladebreakers initially consist of Destined Hero Tyson, Cheerful Defense Specialist Max (you can tell he’s half American since he’s blonde), Cool and Calm Ray and Anti-Hero Kai, the perfect combination of generic shounen personalities. Nerd Kenny supports them from the sidelines, using his high-powered laptop to suggest such brilliant strategies as “if you want to win this match, you have to beat the other guy!”. From season two, the team gains a token female cheerleader in the form of Tyson’s classmate Hilary, whilst in season three Max, Ray and Kai all leave to join different teams, forcing Tyson to bring in Chirpy and Immature Hothead Daichi.

White Tigers: A Hong Kong team composed of Ray’s childhood friends, there is a rift between them and Ray at the beginning of season one, but after they are defeated by the Bladebreakers, they see the error of their ways and instantly become good friends with him again. The White Tigers consists of Gruff and Angry Hothead Lee, Ray’s Love Interest Mariah, Sneaky Prankster Kevin and Large and Dumb But Well Meaning Gary.

AllStars: Who else but an American team would call themselves the Allstars? A team of gifted sports talents specially trained by Max’s mother to channel their skills into Beyblading, they become rivals of the arc for the Bladebreakers until they too are defeated and decide to become friends with the main characters. The team consists of Too Smart for Her Own Good Emily and three annoyingly shallow (even by the standards of this series) Sports Jocks.

Demolition Boys: A Russian team with a past connection to Kai (are you seeing the pattern yet?), the Demolition Boys are harshly trained and highly skilled bladders who are the final bosses of season one- their leader is even placed in a vat and upgraded to become the ultimate Beyblader (luckily his skill is no match for Friendship and Destiny). Naturally, after being defeated, they become allies of the main characters.

Majestics: The obligatory European team, the Majestics are incredibly wealthy and somewhat eccentric even by Beyblade standards, although they do prove worthy opponents for a training arc between tournament matches.

Saint Shields: One of the main antagonists for season two, the Saint Shields have apparently been tasked with the mission of sealing away all Bit Beasts, although somehow they missed all the ones seen in season one. Although they are initially stronger than the heroes, they kindly give our leads time to level up and become powerful enough to defeat them.

Team Psykick: Another season two enemy, these children are so accomplished in Beyblading that they have already travelled around the world to teach others. On their return, they are programmed for evil and given dark copies of the heroes’ Bit Beasts, but thankfully, the power of friendship wins through after some lengthy Beyblade battles.

Zeo’s team: The final bosses of season two, Zeo’s team consist of two blade hunters who steal rare parts from their opponents, one generic power-crazy hothead, and Zeo, a boy who starts out friendly until he learns that he is an artificial being built to replace his ‘father’s’ real son. From that point onwards, he becomes evil, and only the power of Beyblading to save him.

Final Thoughts
It can hardly be said to be very good, and I wouldn’t go so far as recommending it to anyone, but compared to much of the complete trash aimed at children, Beyblade at least offered entertainment of a sort, unintentional or otherwise. Let it forever be known as a guilty pleasure that some of us have indulged in on dark days of boredom.

Ah, the good old days. Muscular men and bizarre lizard monsters facing off against each other for no good reason, posturing, powering up and trading punches, until a hundred episodes later (if you were lucky), the fight might just have ended. It was brainless, it was fairly ugly, and it was to inspire a near endless stream of copycats, but for many fans, Dragonball Z was to become the secret shame that they would carry with them as their introduction to the anime world.

It is at this point, of course, that I have to admit that I too spent a portion of my early anime days watching Dragonball Z (and later GT and the original). As I stared at men and monsters endlessly trading blows against backgrounds not unlike those coloured with those hideous shades made from mixing all the spare paints together, I knew there was a callous futility to those tediously protracted battles, but even so, I had to keep watching. It was the soap opera of anime- awful and never-ending, but nonetheless possessed of an odd power to make you keep watching. After all, even if nothing had happened in this episode or the ones before it, you just never knew what might occur in the “next exciting episode of Dragonball Z”. Would Goku finally defeat his opponent? Perhaps a secondary character might attempt to fight and inevitably lose? Was it time for yet another transformation? The only way to find out was to keep on watching.

The Rules of Engagement, aka making sure a fight lasts at least one hundred episodes
Although most people aren’t even aware of it, there are actually quite a few villains seeking to fly around causing random violence and destruction. Although some claim it is for the sake of lofty goals like immortality, or simply because they were programmed to fight, most of us know the true reason behind their actions- they are driven to such extremes of aggression after realising just how ugly they are compared to everyone else.

Fortunately, the one thing you can count on with such villains is that they like to take things at a measured pace, making sure to proceed slowly and perhaps just rough up a few generics before they make a serious attempt on the lives of the named characters. This enables our heroes to get in sufficient training, for as everyone knows, training arcs are the key to success. In a mere three days, the average hero can learn the techniques that took his superiors upwards of ten years to master. Illogical? Not at all- this is the power of Destiny. With Destiny on his side, the hero can attain power levels and transformations above and beyond the ‘ultimate power’ he harnessed in the last arc, defying even continuity itself in his quest to become the strongest man in the galaxy.

Sadly, for the characters not so blessed with Destiny, lesser power levels are all they can aspire to. Whether they are allies, anti-heroes, or rivals turned friends, no supporting character can ever reach the heights achieved by Goku himself. They may have unique attacks of their own that they spent months perfecting, but it is to no avail- they can only ever be the warm up acts before the main battle begins.

Such warm-ups are of course important in stretching the episode count, however, and it is only in due time that the hero himself can step into the ring. By this point, the villain has been allowed to power up to his ultimate form- a move which may seem unwise when the fate of a planet is at stake, but since he is willing to stand and wait whilst the heroes transform, it is only fair.

With the preliminaries out of the way, the main fight can finally proceed, although it would be unwise to rush things at this point. There may well be more transformations (and in some cases fusions) to come on both sides, numerous plot establishing flashbacks and frequent check-ins on the exploits of the supporting characters. Some of them may have been killed, of course, but this is nothing to fear in the DBZ universe, where the afterlife is just another location in the universe (it should be noted at this point that in the edited dub, HELL becomes HFIL- Home For Infinite Losers), and where the seven dragonballs can be used to wish anyone back to life.

Finally, many episodes later, when only a morbid desire to see how it all pans out has kept you going, the end finally appears on the horizon. Goku will invariably start assembling his Genki Dama/Spirit Bomb attack, a ball of energy which requires several episodes to create with our hero standing motionless all the while. Luckily, whatever allies remain do their utmost to distract the villain during these vital hours, and finally the attack can be launched and the latest threat to the universe vaporised. Even the normal laws of physics do not seem to apply in these fraught times; for example, during a fight between Goku and the lizard-like Frieza, the planet they were on was set to explode with five minutes- a period of time which somehow translated to around ten episodes.

Final Thoughts
Like that aging aunt who sits in the corner and tries to tempt children with cheap sweets, Dragonball Z is an unavoidable part of the anime world. Whether you continue to embrace it, or look back on it with a mix of nostalgia and embarrassment, for better or worse, it exists, and it did set many an anime fan on the road to discovering better things.

Remember back when you were a kid and everyone was into card games that had a direct bearing on the fate of the world? Doesn’t ring a bell? Well, I don’t remember those days either, but I do recall watching a certain anime about it. As the subject of my opening “Those Were the Days?” article, Yu-Gi-Oh will be the first of a handful of series to receive a (reasonably) good-natured grilling as I look back on the early days of my anime fandom.

Set in a world where the normally insignificant pastime of trading card games is an all-consuming passion designed to encourage kids in the real world to spend their pocket money on endless starter decks and booster packs of largely useless cards. In the world of Yu-Gi-Oh, the game of Duel Monsters is everything; it was integral to the history of Ancient Egypt and the sinking of Atlantis, and even now it take precedence over such trivial concerns such as attending school or going to work.

The Story: the fate of the world is at stake!
Yu-Gi-Oh is a story of many arcs, each of them much the same; for reasons ranging from a desire to destroy the world to a wish to see the destruction of earth, a semi-bishie villain has taken up Duel Monsters, and only our spiky-haired hero can stop him- by defeating him in a card game. You can’t just walk up to a villain and politely ask if he would mind facing you in a match, however; instead, the proper forms must be obeyed. First, a tournament of some sort must be arranged, with clear rules that ensure that you must face a set number of themed underlings and rivals from previous arcs before you are even considered worthy of approaching the final boss castle. The most important matches must be handled by the hero or his greatest rival; friends and allies are welcome to play, but they must be prepared to fail miserably against all but the weakest of opponents.

Once all the necessary conditions are met and a flashback or two has enlightened us to how the villains went from law abiding citizens to evil card game players, the concluding card game of the arc can finally be played. Such matches are clearly important, and to give them anything less than six episodes would be nothing short of a crime. Each and every move must be countered, re-countered and nullified, insults must be exchanged and life points must get down to single figures before the end can even be said to be vaguely in sight. Our hero must fight back from any number of impossible situations, cheat using the power of friendship and show the villain the error of his ways, before finally winning and forcing his opponent to admit that becoming evil was a big mistake and he never really meant to hurt anyone.

The Characters: Spiky Hair is the Key to Destiny
Yu-Gi-Oh is unique in that it does not have just one the one spiky-haired hero; technically, there are actually two- high school student Yugi Mutou, and the ancient Egyptian pharaoh that possesses him. Since Yugi is a bit of a wimp, he tends to leave the man’s work of playing card games to the Pharaoh, at least until the plot decrees that he actually step up to the plate himself.

Of course, no hero would be able to play without the support of his devoted cheerleading team, and Yugi is no exception. Whilst having The Hothead (Joey/Jonouchi), The Generic (Tristan/Honda) and The Token Female (Teá/Anzu) babbling on about friendship from the sidelines may sound like an unwelcome distraction, it is actually just what Yugi needs to overcome even the direst of situations. Skill and experience are simply no match for the power of useless friends who generally are only allowed to play card games in carefully controlled situations against weak opponents.

Equally key to the existence of a hero is the presence of his ultimate rival; in this case, Seto Kaiba, a rich boy who has nothing better to do with his time and money than buy rare cards, arrange card tournaments, and invent holographic simulators for the playing of card games. Since he is a loner, however, Kaiba has no hope of defeating Yugi no matter how hard he tries, for without the power of friendship, he is nothing.

How to play Duel Monsters

1. First, put together a deck. Your deck must be hideously unbalanced, but preferably it should be stacked or marked somehow so that you always know which card you are going to draw next.
2. Next, find an opponent. When starting it out, it is best to select a low level player with a humorous name and a preference for a themed deck.
3. Although it is acceptable to play strong moves for the first few turns, for most of the game you should deliberately play poorly so that your opponent can gain an advantage. If possible, make sure you are down to 100 life points or less before starting to play well; it requires exceptional skill to fine tune your life points in this way.
4. During the match, you should make sure to engage in trash talk with your opponent. If possible, try to make some poor puns based on their playing style; for example, if they favour an insect deck, it is acceptable to say “I’ll squash you like a bug!”.
5. Once you are in a disadvantageous position, the time has come to briefly listen to the encouragement of your useless friends, and then start playing properly. At this point, there are several courses to take.
   1. Play a card that seems weak, but actually has a powerful effect that, for some reason, your opponent has no knowledge of. When they tell you how stupid you are for playing such a poor card, you can confidently reply “Ah, but I didn’t tell you about my card’s special effect- automatic game win!”
   2. Deliberately use a card that does not target your opponent’s strongest monster, but instead exploits an unnoticed weakness of theirs. When they say “But my Blue Eyes White Dragon is immune to the effects of your card”, you can nonchalantly counter with “Who said I was targeting your Blue Eyes?”
   3. Use the Heart of the Cards and the fact that your deck is stacked in order to draw exactly the card you need to turn the tide.
   4. Invoke a previously unmentioned and obscure rule of the game (you can even make one up, there are so many rules that your opponent probably won’t notice) to guarantee your victory.
6. After you have claimed victory, feel free to steal rare cards from your opponent’s deck, thus ensuring that they can never threaten you again. If their character design is aesthetically pleasing, then you should be a gracious winner, but no one cares how you treat generic and ugly opponents.

With all this in mind, you too are ready for the world of Yu-Gi-Oh. Simply strap on your Duel Disk and Card Belt (available from all good toy stockists), prepare your deck (cards available wherever goods are sold), and go and challenge complete strangers to a game! Better yet, get all those lowlifes off the streets by playing card games with them and thus making them see the error of their ways! Have fun![1]

Enjoy Yu-Gi-Oh for yourself with the hilarious abridged Yu-Gi-Oh from LittleKuriboh.

[1] Please note: Azure Flame accepts no responsibility for any physical harm that may result from trying to force people to play cards with you.